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What Did They Still Expect After They Cheated?

Ah, cake eating. All the perks of commitment without the actual commitment.

Today’s Friday Challenge was inspired by a comment Luziana made on “She Keeps Acting Like We’re a ‘We‘.” The clueless FW who still assumes his hot dinner will be there waiting for him.

I stopped cooking for him. I made food for everyone else. He loved my cooking.

I made a crockpot of White Chicken Chili while I was repairing the floor in the master bath. He refused to help because ‘I am spiritually with Schmoopie now and moving out next week’

But he helped himself to Chili and Biscuits and blurted, ‘Darling, this is DELICIOUS’!

‘Enjoy that. Not your Darling and it’s the last thing you’ll ever have that I’ve cooked.’


Do you want anything from the store?
Calmly, ‘I don’t want anything from you as long as I live.’

Comes to me for advice because his first wife is threatening to take full custody over his lack of morals.
Calmly, ‘You want me to help you avoid consequences of cheating on me? You fired me from being a wife. Ask Schmoopie.’

Can you scan and email my apartment application?

Can your son help me move? No one but Schmoopie can and you won’t let her in your house.

Henry: Dude I am NOT helping you cheat on my Mom. Are you insane?

Felt good.

It’s so hard to lose a good spouse appliance.

So tell CN all the crazy things they still expected after they cheated. (You can avoid the obvious — that they would continue the relationship.) Mowing their lawn? Pet sitting? A really good pot of chili?


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  • As I was moving out like truck in driveway friends moving me he asked me to pick up his dry cleaning!!! What!?!?!

  • FW expected good will towards him – even though it was a ‘hit and run’ to OW DDay.

  • I admit I played the wife appliance for a very long time after he dumped me for OW. I was on the hopium, believing that he’d see what a good wife I was and come back (LOL, I would never do that now, but I was a very different person then). He would ask me to come over and cook, clean, mow the grass. He’d ask me to pick up his drycleaning, print things for him, help him with money. Of my own volition I often kept him stocked up on household supplies and got him new clothes or socks when he started looking ragged. I cut his hair. Ironed his shirts. Made his doctor appointments. Ugh. It’s embarrassing to think of now.

    I got to the point where I decided I was done with all of that and started saying no to his requests. He got angry and then just had OW start doing those things for him.

    Strangely he still expected me to emotionally support him. And he sometimes gave me gifts (and then turned around and demanded things of me because he had been so generous).

    I wish I had used snappy comebacks like the post above, but I wasn’t in any place to do that then.

    • Please don’t be embarrassed! This is our safe place to laugh at and support each other.
      So many of us did the same things because we loved with a full heart. Our hearts took a while to catch up because we aren’t them.

    • I could have written this post word for word. I did all of this even after the divorce was final

    • I even filled out his financial paperwork the court needed for our divorce. And I did his taxes the year after we divorced ????????‍♀️

      • I too did this. He never did paperwork, taxes, appointments. I just filed and gave him his half.

        • At end of divorce, he asked for my tax “workpapers” as the person he hired could not figure out my return (I am a CPA). I told him sure, for $3000 I’ll give them to him as I am no longer HIS tax preparer! And when I finally received a copy of his return, of course it was fraudulent, and quickly reported him to the IRS.

          • NMF, so glad you reported him to IRS! I had to do that as I realized fuckwit was claiming our daughter As dependent and she was living with me 100 percent. He got angry at me and threatened to turn ME into IRS. I told him go ahead and falsely accuse that, and I would then file charges of harassment. He shut up. Total fuckwit.

      • Oh I did all of the divorce paperwork too. And he asked me to help him with his taxes the year after we divorced.

      • I did our taxes every year, including the four years we were separated (we filed jointly for the larger refund and the ability to claim the dependent care credit while our son was in daycare). The last year, after we had actually filed for divorce, I again offered to do joint taxes. My ex took forever to get me his documents. When I finally ran the numbers through the tax prep software, I realized he had not had nearly enough taxes withheld (he claims every exemption he thinks he qualifies for, while I have always chosen “withhold at the higher single rate” and 0 exemptions, because I don’t want to owe), and he owed over $5,000, while I was due a $3,000 refund. NOPE. I told my attorney that I wasn’t going to file jointly, that I was claiming our child (who had lived with me most of the year), and that was that. She informed his attorney and as soon as she told me the email was sent, I hit “file” on the electronic filing.

        I don’t think my ex ever paid his tax bill. And after he died last fall, I asked my attorneys if I had to file his taxes for him and they said no. I filed as head of household (because technically I’m a widow and now the sole parent) and got a nice big refund and I’m done with ever worrying about his taxes again.

  • To write a job application for him. Unfortunately I did and he got the interview and the job….then turned it down because it would interfere with his time with Schmoopie.

  • DDay announcement (brothels and gay saunas for last half of 22 yr marriage) came via phone call late on a Friday night, at the end of first day of his multi-day self-improvement “Become Your Authentic Self” course, (up in the city 1.5 hrs away). He finally got home on Monday afternoon. I took myself to the movies rather than cope with sitting down to dinner with him and the kids (who had no idea). When I came home later that night, he was in our bed!! WHAT?!?! (I slept on the spare, obvs).

  • Besides the initial “can you help me buy a new rug for my place”? BTW, my answer was “why don’t you take her? It’s her place”!

    And even though the most recent request was to the oldest adult son (there is definitely a child-appliance thing) to “reconcile” with the ex-friend/still law partner/AP, it’s still cake. And not ask his younger adult son? How to drive a stupid wedge between siblings.

    I cannot wrap my head around that being his dying wish!!! I should be so lucky that he’s dying. It’s an Oscar worthy performance. ????????

  • I had grad school orientation earlier this week. FW is in the program too. He got there before me and sat where he could see the door. He gave a big wave when I walked in and motioned for me to come sit at his table. I gave a polite quick hand flash of a wave and went to sit with someone I else knew. It ended up being a delightful evening, minus him trying to associate himself with me several times. Circle sharing icebreaker– I shared about being part of a students’ major achievement and how cool it was too see then succeed. He jumps right in after me and says “Well, since SHE didn’t share about our son, I WILL.” I tried to be unaffected, but I definitely let out an eye roll. It really felt like he was trying to make like we were a couple. No, dude, you lost that a long time ago.

    • Gold star on your gray rock. He tried to shame you? First day of class? You are mighty. Hope he flunks out soonest.

    • The good news about that is he’s making himself look like an asshole. I’m so glad you stayed in the program. People will pick up on his bullshit. He’s an ass.

    • Not to derail this topic, but I want to make a suggestion based on my experience as someone who still works at the same place as my now ex. (We are faculty in the same department at the same university. Marriage can end in divorce, but tenure is more enduring.)

      During the divorce process, in front of colleagues or at public events we both had to attend, there were a few instances when he made in-passing comments about things we had done together (travel, plays attended, etc) all the while acting like we were buddies reminiscing or maybe still a couple.

      The last time he did that? At a training session where we had to go around the room and say something about ourselves. I responded by taking the first possible opportunity to say in front of others in the session but calmly and directly to him while looking him in the eye, “I didn’t think it would be appropriate to share details about my personal history with you in this forum, but I will keep in mind that it’s an option.”

      He blanched and never tried that “We are so close and have such great history together” stuff again.

      Presumably he would not like me to share publicly in our workplace that he had an affair with a graduate student from another university, someone he met at a conference we attended together. Or any of the specifics of how rotten he was towards me during our marriage. Or how contentious he was during our divorce.

      Your ex’s good-guy act depends on you playing along. You don’t have to, and maybe it is possible to politely and publicly remind him of that?

      And now grey rock is easy for me because the ex doesn’t pull that “we’re still buddies” nonsense anymore.

      • That is a great example of how to shut down an entitled prick of an ex w/grace. Good for you! What an asshole to try shit like that in front of your mutual colleagues.

      • What a nightmare situation. Thankfully my ex gave up tenure to move to his AP’s town. You’re a rockstar!

    • I went back to my counsellor for 6 sessions when it occurred to me my ex might bring his girlfriend to a 3 hour passing out parade. You can deal with this course no problems. Xxxx

    • He just made himself look like a massive idiot and is too stupid to realize it yet. Trust me when I say most people who witnessed this were not impressed by his obvious manipulation.

      I remember your story from the other week, BDU. I would be shocked if your ex makes it through the semester, let alone if he makes any strong connections with your classmates. I’ve worked with idiots like your ex before and people see through them pretty fast.

    • You are handling this like a badass boss. He also just made it easier to report him to the school or even police if he keeps traipsing up to the line of harassment. Document everything. He doesn’t seem to playing with a full deck if he doesn’t understand that being “friendly” doesn’t legally disqualify him as a stalker so he may keep traipsing.

    • You did great. If he does it again, wait till he’s done talking and say, “We’re not a couple and I don’t want to talk about my personal life in class.”

    • I’m so happy to get updates from you…keep up the gray rock!!

  • After 35 yrs together I was totally devastated to discover his affair. It did not stop me from taking matters in my own hands. He wanted to remain ‘friends’ and I said not as long as he was with the OW.
    At our collaborative law meeting he offered $250 a month alimony and wanted me to keep him on my health insurance (he is self employed). I was sitting there stunned wondering how after a lifetime together raising kids he could treat me like that. Thank goodness my lawyer spoke up for me and said absolutely not, that is not legal.

    • My ex, a lawyer mind you, was shocked that he could not stay on my health insurance after the divorce was finalized.

      • They booted FW off my health care. She can pay for coverage for 3 months and then has to get her own. Not eligible for COBRA. Looks like the minimally employed Dr’s wife will now have to go back to full time nursing after an 18 year hiatus of having to work 3 8hour shifts a month. When I was sick with cancer and asked if she could work more she told me she “could never go back full time.” I am too old and I will have to take call and have no seniority when it comes to vacations. I will be working every holiday”
        I think I hear the squeaky brakes of the Karma bus pulling up. As Velvet Hammer suggested last week don’t do anything just sit back and watch

        • Just make a batch of ???? and watch Dr. Chump ! ????????????

        • Unfortunately, after 22 years of marriage, I had to go back to nursing after an 18 year hiatus. I had to go back to nursing school for a refresher course, but was able to find a good job very quickly. I gave up my career so that my Doctor husband could advance his career, and never be home. Doesn’t seem fair, but I’m happy.

          • Sorry Beanie. FW gave up her loving, caring Dr Husband and cushy life to be with Minimally employed guys and band rejects

      • I was on my wife’s fully paid health insurance at the school district she worked for. When we divorced I activated the insurance from my employer. I got a letter from her insurer stating I now had double coverage. She had never informed her employer about divorce. When she did, after four months, they wanted me to pay at Cobra rates. I went to their office and told them this is your problem with her, she is the responsible party. I heard later they deducted it all from her wages. She was not a popular person as she had caused huge HR problems by having sex with three other employees.
        So glad to be rid of her.

    • After divorce was finalized, my lawyer called to say that ex called him, complaining that I wasn’t “helping” him sign up for COBRA (my ex was self-employed and during the divorce process I had to keep him on my insurance, but when it was finalized I could drop him. Which I did.). I actually wasn’t even asked by my ex to help him, this came out of thin air. I told my lawyer that he had worked at the same hospital I was working at, and he damn well knew where the HR office was, and he could take the time and go there himself and sign up.

  • X expected me to pay his credit card bill…he was 3 months behind. I told him to ask OW for the money and that maybe he shouldn’t have taken OW on a cruise while we were married!!!

  • My ex loved my baking so he always had fresh baked pastries to eat for breakfast. Lord knows what his whore cooks or bakes. Yesterday I made some scones and he picked my kids up in the evening. Later he texts me and says “thanks for the scones” sarcastically. Then this morning my daughter tells me “daddy wants scones so put some aside for him”. I told her I’m not his wife and I don’t bake for him.

    This is just one example of many.

      • Unfortunately this is one of the least ridiculous things he’s done that involves my kids. ????????‍♀️

      • Yes, that he tried to get your daughter to be his little messenger was revolting. It’s obviously low-stakes as such, being about scones, but that’s a hard nope from me.

        When you next have the misfortune to have to speak with him for any reason, explain that you will not be baking for him ever again, and specifically never to try that with your kids again.

    • The audacity of that asshole. I’m sorry he’s dragging your kids into this.

    • You did great by telling your daughter that you’re not his wife.

  • A couple of days after audibly yelling at me that I was a WHORE, while I was on the phone with my dad, he still expected I’d decorate and cook and get on with our usual Halloween celebrations.

    • Reminds me -a couple of days after accusing me of being passive aggressive because I was being polite to him in comunications to do with our kids, he asked me if he could have ‘another chance’ because he ‘missed what we had’. Sheesh.

    • I’ve said it before, you deserve your own HGTV or FoodNetwork show. Cold Slabbo is an idiot of the highest idiot order.

    • Precious Luziana! So good to ‘see’ you! {{{HUGS}}} You always inspire me

      White chicken chili was one of cheaterpants favorites meals I made. I have not made any since I got off the ‘crazy train’ (9 yrs!), but I may be motivated to do so now, after this conversation and the link you shared

      Love to all of ChumpNation as we continue to ForgeOn!

      • My ex loves it, too, and I stopped making it because it reminded me of him. Let’s switch out our old recipes for this new one & TAKE BACK white chicken chili!

    • Thanks! I bookmarked this because it sounds really good.

    • If you can, look up New Mexico ground beef and green chili. Watch for It’s pretty good stuff. I put potatoes in it and a little 505 chili sauce in it.

    • Thank You for posting Luz! I have my Dads cast iron Dutch oven and have bookmarked this recipe. You’ve solved my quandary for a pot luck + acoustic music jam next Saturday! Now all I have to do is pick the songs I’m gonna play.
      Probably Ozark Mountain Daredevils BLACK SKY and Merle Haggard I THINK I’LL JUST SIT HERE AND DRINK. HUZZAH!!

  • I think I might just have to most insane one. After I told Schmoopie’s husband he was being cheated on (without even giving him the name of his wife’s AP), FW wanted me stay up and keep watch at night in case the guy figured out who it was and came over to beat him up.
    I presume he was thinking I’d throw myself at the guy and take a punch for him, too. He’s that delusional.

    There are more examples, but that one is a standout.

  • He wanted me to stay with him for a couple days after surgery and take care of him. I told him no. He kept asking.

    • OMG. What is it with FWs and surgery? Mine scheduled an elective procedure when our son was scheduled to be with him. Son had a mandatory band meeting that parents had to attend, so FW texts me, “son had a mandatory band meeting tonight and I’ll be home icing my balls.” I was like WTH is he talking about, but instead I just said, “Is this your way of asking me to be at this meeting?”. I went and picked up kiddo’s band instrument. The next day, I get a call to pick up kiddo, and I tell the school they’ll need to contact his dad because it’s dad’s week with kiddo. 30 mins later school calls me again because they cannot reach his dad. I leave work to pick up kiddo, and drop him off at his dad’s. With his brand new saxophone. I hope he practiced his new instrument a lot while FW was home recovering. (If it happened now, I would bring kiddo to my house and told FW if he wanted to exercise his parenting time he would need to come collect our child since he didn’t get him from school)

      • “Icing my balls” LOL! The possibility for snarky retorts is endless. ????

  • I haven’t gone no contact (though I know it’s better) and have been trying for amicable. It was DD2 and all I felt was relief we could now separate so didn’t feel bad about being friendly as knew I was getting freedom. But there were too many requests I found hard to avoid – can you pick up this on way to dropping off kid, can you stop at Ikea its on the way. I’ve ended up moving area. It’s a bit dramatic but my NO is still not very strong around him (or others to be honest) so the distance helps. I am driving kid to him weekly and family are outraged he never comes to collect but it helps me keep him and his many requests at bay.

    • Please, work at getting better at saying “No” with no explanation. You are continuing to let him use you and that is NOT a good lesson for your child to be learning. If he wants visitation, then he can come and pick him up from the porch or drive-way. No need for him to come into your house. “Amicable” is just another word for abuse for these people. He will use you for as long as you will let him.

  • Thursday is market day in my local town and there are signs up everywhere not to leave your car parked in the main square overnight or it will be towed. Schmoopie must have forgotten and her car was indeed towed, so FW told her not to worry as I would drive her (he’d lost his licence AGAIN) to pick it up. I just laughed in his face!

  • My ex has, on several occasions, asked me if he could skip paying child maintenance for the month. Every single time, my reply is ‘No. You can’t’ and he does pay me, but it’s usually around the time he wants to buy another new car or latest gadget to make himself ‘happy’. He’ll never be happy.

    • Yes he always wants me to front stuff and pay me off slowly. Mostly it’s stuff for the kids so if I don’t pay they can’t do the activity.

      • I just thought of the main one and I don’t know how I forgot about this one as it had me really riled.
        My ex walked out at the beginning of my 2nd pregnancy (a pregnancy he had wanted, but in hindsight, it was because he thought it would make him ‘happy’).

        Anyway, he moved straight in with the OW and immediately introduced her to my son even though I had asked him not to as it would mess with his head.

        So, fast forward 4 1/2 years and he is married to OW and she has a child on the way. She is booked in for a C-section and it coincides with ex having the kids as it’s the easter holidays.

        He asks me if I would be able to have the kids on this day and book time off work to look after them, so he can be with OW for the birth! I said he would have to find someone else to watch his kids on his time as I would not be booking time off to make his and OW’s life easy. I made a comment a sarcastic comment about all the help he had given me during the birth of our daughter and he replied with ‘Well, you wouldn’t let me’. Always the victim. He didn’t reply to a text I sent him after our daughter was born to let him know she had arrived for 24 hours and when he did reply, it was ‘Congratulations’.

        • Grammatical errors: He didn’t reply for 24 hours and when he did, it was ‘Congratulations’.

        • This is jaw-dropping weirdness ☹️
          Congratulations on ‘your’ child? WTF is wrong with him? He’s completely selfish and out to lunch!

  • Mine still asks me for copies of official documents that I, out of the goodness of my heart, gave him during the divorce. This is almost five years later 🙂 He even asked me for a copy of the Divorce Decree once when he was trying to bully me into paying some taxes that I was not responsible for.

    • Wow, it’s like they are all reading from the same playbook! I get requests for stuff like this, except it comes through our son. And FW has demanded that I make the IRS process his 2020 taxes, or barring that, that I pay him the $5k refund he believes is due to him. Unbelievable.

      • @schrodinger’s Chump @Anna123:

        ITA that these FWs are all the same. Mine not only asked for copies of the divorce decree when he filed for bankruptcy, he expected ME to fill out the paperwork to stop child support when Jr. graduated from high school. Uh, no. I found the form number on the county website but there was no way in hell that his employer would give me the confidential information required to file the paperwork. (Think employer’s tax ID, FW’s salary, length of service, etc.) It’s been a full year since Jr. graduated and the direct deposit is still going into my account. I sent two emails to FW to inform him that I cannot file the paperwork and that any child support that is coming in now; a) repayment for the year or so he didn’t pay; and, b) contributions to Jr.’s college. I imagine he’s going to come back and ask for repayment, but I’m not repaying due to his procrastination.

    • XW has “borrowed” all three kids’ birth certificates, and never returned them. She also has all three kids’ passports, because she got our daughter to bring them to her. Daughter was concerned about taking them without my permission, but XW promised her she’d return them to me in a couple of weeks. Three years later I still don’t have them back.

      • Involuntary Georgian,

        She may try to steal your kids identities, if she hasn’t already. Is there any way one of your children can get them back without the fw knowing ?

      • Get new ones. Report the old ones as lost. And you can likely order new BCS through VitalChek. You don’t need her permission!

      • IG, my boyfriends serial cheater ex did this – he made the mistake of lending these in good faith, she never gave them back, and then claimed they were “lost” in a car accident. Yes, because if that were true it’s not like a responsible parent wouldn’t have replaced these critical documents. They really do just live to make other people’s (and their own) lives more difficult.

    • Ex-FW just applied for “innocent spouse relief” on both state and federal taxes. This is after I had already agreed to pay remaining balance because he convinced me during our marriage that I was not good with money and if I gave my income to him he would “take care of it” and ensure our bills were paid. I left that marriage with >$250,000 debt and have paid off about half of it in the two years we have been divorced and have started saving for my retirement. None of which I could do while I was funding his “lifestyle” where he didn’t work and just played around with his stupid cards and watching porn all day. The audacity to file this paperwork and try to increase my debt load and get a refund on the amount we paid during our marriage is ridiculous!!!! He worked at the tax firm as an intern and prepared our taxes, so the idea he is innocent and had no idea is totally ludicrous. BUT, Aholes gonna Ahole.

  • Where do I start on this when Ex-Mrs LFTT has “gifted” me with so many examples of her egregious cake-eating BS both before and after our divorce?

    A month after our divorce was finalised she had to go into hospital for a routine operation that led to some complications and her being bed-ridden for about a month. I started getting very aggressive emails from her demanding to know why I hadn’t offered to help her in any way, and that was my responsibility to help her as she was the mother of our children and all of her friends were useless blah blah blah. She seemed very quick to overlook the fact that she’d walked out on the kids and I to be with her AP and that she was not doing a single thing to support our children. She even offered a number of examples of things that I could do for her (cooking, cleaning, shopping etc), even though she had moved to a town a 90 minute drive away from where the kids and I lived. I shut that sh*t down pretty quickly and reminded her that she was now the AP’s problem and not mine; this did not go down well and I learned that (at least in her opinion) that I am a “vindictive piece of sh*t who had very quickly forgotten that we had been married for 26 years.”

    I could also mention the time (after the divorce was finalised and I had received the Decree Absolute on a clean break) that she demanded to come over to the rented house where the kids and I lived so that she could go through the house contents and take her half of everything. The fact that she had signed over the entire contents of the house to me as part of the Divorce agreement clearly meant nothing to her; she went as far as threatening to sue me to gain access to the house and to get what she believed was rightfully still hers. Again, this got shut down pretty quickly, but she will still (7 years after she left and 5 years after the divorce was finalised) use this as an example of how I scr*wed her over in the divorce.

    Sadly, there are so many other examples.


    • LFTT, ‘The fact that she had signed over the entire contents of the house to me as part of the Divorce agreement’
      Because of you sharing previously about the ‘house and contents’ being signed over to you, I made sure this happened in my divorce. Sure enough FW wanted to keep the ‘channels of communication’ open so he could come and go as he pleased if he remembered anything he hadn’t already taken. Errrrr NO! On the day of clear out I made it crystal clear to him that I would never ever speak to him again. Luckily my children are all grown adults now so they manage their own relationships with him (2 out of the 3 no longer speak to him).

      The house and everything in it is all mine. Thanks for that wisdom ????????

      • Claire,

        Bravo to you … and if my scribblings here have helped you, then my Friday just got a bit sparklier.

        Best of luck for the future.


    • LFTT, your boundaries are ironclad! No wonder you’ve built such a badass new life for yourself and your kids! Well done you!

      • WaW,

        You are far too kind. While I’m proud of the boundaries that I have in place now – and more importantly, the boundaries that I have encouraged our children to put in place – it wasn’t always thus. Like many Chumps here, I spent far too long in my marriage having my boundaries trampled upon or being gaslighted into believing that the boundaries that I was trying to put in place were unreasonable; the now Ex-Mrs LFTT was incredibly good at making herself the victim when anyone said “No” to her. Slow-boiled frog that I was, it took D-Day and her reaction to the kids finding out that she was cheating and then telling me to provide me with the wake up call to how abusive her behaviour towards me (and the kids) was.

        This is still something that I struggle to deal with. I still feel incredibly guilty that up until that point I had been failing to protect our 3 children and failing to protect myself, allowing her to ride roughshod over the 4 of us. I can only hope to make it up to our children (and myself) by doing better in the future.


        • LFTT, I feel your pain. Before I took up with the Lying Cheating Loser, I was married for 18 years to my children’s father, who also turned out to be a cheater. Echoing your d-day experience, my daughter, at the tender age of 12, was the one who discovered her father’s affair, which effectively ended the marriage.
          I should have left long before that, though. Ex bullied and belittled me at every turn. Our kids growing up never got to experience a loving, supportive, reciprocal marriage relationship. That’s a guilt and a grief I think I will carry for the rest of my life.
          However: in the 12 years since I left their father, my now-grown kids have gotten to witness me gaining a life. I’ve made every effort to show up for them, make amends to them for the ways in which I failed them, and in general rebuild and repair our relationship.
          All three say that they respect me more for leaving their dad and standing up for myself, at long last.
          Your kids see you. It all works out.

    • “a vindictive piece of sh*t who had very quickly forgotten that we had been married for 26 years.”
      A delusional, raging FW who projects massively. What a novelty.

    • Can’t wait to hear about the new house and move! You are truly mighty!

    • Holy shit. What an asshole FW of an XW. LFTT, my heart goes out to you. My FW XW mainly acted stupid by assuming we’d still be friends. That, and also that she could come back into what had been our house whenever she wanted to do or take whatever she wanted. Yeah, NO. Probably because I did the pick-me dance for around 6 months for her (I mean, I loved her sincerely for over 25 years, so this must be a mistake, right????? God, how naive I was). She also believes in that alpha people shit, and that she and her former boss/AP/new partner for life (snort!) are alpha’s. No, you’re both just way farther towards the asshole end of the asshole-good person spectrum than I am. But I never got shit like this from her. Good for you for shutting her down. You’re so much better without her in your life. Cheers and best wishes to you and your kids!????

  • OMG, what DIDN’T she want to continue?
    She expected me to forward pics I took when our daughters went out with me for the day.
    She expected me to drive her to the auto mechanic (700 feet from our house) to pick up her car.
    She expected me to sit next to her at E the Elder’s gymnastics meets and M the Younger’s plays.
    She expected to continue having use of the newer, nicer car (which was in my name) rather than the older, shittier car (which was in her name) because “this is the dynamic we’ve created.”
    She expected me to pay all household expenses — not contributing a dime towards the mortgage, utiliities, or credit card payments — because “my paycheck is for me.”

    Basically, she expected me to continue deferring to her wishes. Just like I’d done for the 15 years we’d been married.

    • UXW,

      7 years out from D-Day I still get the occasional request for photos. I’m attending a big event at our youngest’s school tomorrow that Ex-Mrs LFTT would have also been attending were it not for the fact that she “accidentally booked a holiday that clashes and she can’t get get a refund.” I mean, who books a holiday by accident for f*ck’s sake?

      I got the photo request by email yesterday.

      Our youngest pointed out that Ex-Mrs LFTT’s photo request will be to provide fodder for her Instagram/FaceBook campaign to support her “I am the Mother of the Year” narrative; something that our youngest hates with a passion. Youngest has suggested that every picture that I provide should include me in it and be framed in a manner that makes it impossible to crop me out so that they don’t end up on Ex-Mrs LFTT’s social media.

      I know that CL says “if it feels good then don’t do it” …… but damn!


      • LFTT, your “let me come over and take what I want” reference reminded me of the infamous ‘End Table Incident.” Even though she’d taken signed over the entire contents of the house to me, she came back a year later demanding a shitty old end table. When I countered that she perhaps contribute to the cost of getting rid of the shitty furniture she left behind that she DIDN’T want, she sent this: “I mean, your children know you are petty and uncooperative. Dean at the car shop even said to me, unprovoked, “your ex is kind of a jerk, isn’t he?” Storytelling people say to me, ‘UXworld is your ex? He’s an angry bitter person.’ You need help.”

        If you’re ever in Boston, let me know. We’ll have a few beers and a ton of laughs.

      • Dr C,

        Forgive me, but I don’t think that gender comes into it; a FW is just a FW. The issue here is that there is a huge gap between Ex-Mrs LFTT’s actions as a parent and how she wishes to be perceived as a parent.

        I’ve seen male FWs behave just as reprehensibly.


        • I’m w/you LFTT. A fuckwit is a fuckwit is a fuckwit. Gender may color them slightly differently, but in essentials, they are all alike. That is: narcissistic, self-entitled, black holes of selfishness. Sparkly turds? We don’t need no stinkin’ sparkly turds!

    • Ha that made me remember. FW wrecked his car drunk right on the Swiss/French border and called me at 1 a.m. to come and pick him up. I went because otherwise he would be hassling the kids. Then he got the truck towed but had to pay heftily for it because he hadn’t bothered to pay his roadside assistance. He asked if I had any money and I said no (I did, but I wasn’t paying it). So the truck dropped his car off at Ford and I went to drive off when he screamed at me to wait as he needed a ride home. I reset the km to zero when I drove off – it was 800 metres to Schmoopie’s place and he couldn’t walk that far!

  • I took great pains in not answering my phone at work because FW loved to call me. I was able to avoid his calls because I was lucky enough to have an assistant. I gave her a day off and wouldn’t you know that FW called.
    FW: My Grampa died.
    Me: Is that so?
    FW: I need you to come to the funeral.
    Me: Why doesn’t Schmoopie want to go with you?
    FW: I didn’t ask her. A funeral isn’t something you take a date to, you take your wife.

    I hung up the phone.

    • I helped FW take care of his mom for years, and then he screamed at me that when she dies, Schmoopie is the one he wants by his side. Even though his mom got cheated on by his dad. I guess I will never have to have the conversation you just did. Never realized there’s a silver lining to everything.

  • These FWs really do come with a list of crap that they expect us to do:
    FW: I can’t pay you the one lump sum support payment. Can I just write you a check for half and then give you the other half later?
    Chump: No!
    FW: Don’t you trust me?
    Chump: No.
    Talked to my attorney and we are getting it garnished. Why would he think anyone would trust a lying cheater?
    Upon feeling sick earlier in the process:
    FW: I am sick, can you get my medication for me and drop it off?
    Chump: No, have one of your “friends” pick it up for you.
    FW: But she doesn’t live close by……
    Chump: Make new friends.

    • “FW: Don’t you trust me?
      Chump: No.”

      Such a head-scratcher.

      x admitted he lied to me every day for three years and then acted SHOCKED and OFFENDED when I called him a liar. He said, “If you call me a liar to my face, then you’ll be lying.” Also, “If you don’t trust me, the divorce won’t go well.” ????

      The man always had an uncanny ability to make himself the victim in every situation. So in this brief exchange we have:
      *TFC complaining: “Poor me! Spinach just called me a name!”
      *And threatening: “Toe the line (trust me) OR ELSE.”


      These cheaters not only feel entitled to cheat but also entitled to maintain their standing in their families and communities. As a group, they are shockingly clueless and stupid. x has always lacked self-awareness. One of my jobs (self-designated so that was my own crazy) was to catch him before he said something stupid or do a quick social clean-up when he did. I tap danced like no other.

      So glad to have tossed out those dancing shoes.

      • “These cheaters not only feel entitled to cheat but also entitled to maintain their standing in their families and communities.”

        Part of the “no consequences” entitlement.

      • There is definitely a cheater’s playbook. It would be nice if we could find the link and publish for everyone who is seeing red flags. It is just uncanny how they all say the same thing and then try to act like poor little sad sausages. I know I am being overly nice in taking the money garnished from his pay but at least I know I will get it consistently. Of course, Schmoopie is getting the ready cash until it runs out.
        His big thing lately has been to say how mean and bitter I am by not trusting him. Seriously??? I just roll my eyes and move on to the next subject with anyone who says that to me. I would rather be a Bitter Betty than to be married to a lying cheater.

      • Honestly, I don’t think they’re stupid. Their cluelessness is another form of deceit to protect their egos and get what they want. Cheaters are just as dishonest in discussions as they are relationships – hence the feigned helplessness and the “I fail to understand your hostility” mindfuck. It’s not so much a lack of understanding but an arrogant refusal to accept reality. They’re entitled.

        It’s been a decade and my ex still insists he never cheated. I only know this because other people in my extended network began forcing the issue once they found out and not only called him out on the cheating but told him, “Dude, sex obtained through deceit is rape. You lied to her so she couldn’t give informed consent.”

        Word’s now spreading in that community (I’m not around there much anymore) and apparently ex is flipping out because people now think he’s a rapist. Which he is. He can’t believe there’s consequences for bad behavior.

    • Mine expected the same. Once he confessed to encounters with men for the entire marriage of 34 years, he said “ nothing has to change”. “I can have my happy ending weekends once a month and you get a husband and a house”. “In this state half of this house is already mine “, I responded., He immediately hollared “ IT’S A MONEY GRAB”.
      No words. It’s just unfathomable the denial.

      • The thing is, that tells you how he thought of it: “I get a wife (and her labor) and a house. And my life on the down low.” Completely disengaged from normal emotional life.

    • Mine wanted money for movers too! And he asked me to pay for the divorce because I’m “the one who wanted it”. Yeah, I want it because you cheated on me with at least 50 women that I know of! Asshole.

  • They really all do work from the same playbook. My ex expected me to “give him notice” of when he was going to be taken off my health insurance…I replied that we were getting divorced, his “notice” was when the decree hit his inbox! After I had moved my daughter and I, including all the crap he had abandoned for me to deal with at our family home (including HIS TRASH), he wanted to start borrowing things.. stepstool, games, etc. Then he had to have a mild procedure, but wasn’t allowed to drive after… so he asked our kid to pick him up “with the car.” Not MY car, you FW! It’s not “the car” that we SHARE anymore, judge awarded it to me and I paid it off! And how dare you try to get a favor from me by going through our kid. Now I’m the selfish one because I continue to steadfastly refuse to collaborate on gifts for our daughter, or even to share with him what I plan to get her “so that we don’t end up buying the same thing.” Dude, I am among the best gift-givers on the planet, you rode my coattails on that for our kid, my family, and your family for 20 years, I’m done ” collaborating.”

    • My ex moved to be closer to his drinking buddies (and farther from AP’s ex) and was starting a new job. He fucked around and only gave himself a day to pack and move out (really half a day because he slept in and then had to pick up a truck) and so ended up leaving a bunch of stuff (and so much trash).

      The kids and I had already had plans to leave on vacation the day he left (he only told me a week before and the kids the day before) and so we came back to the mess he had left. When I called him, he said to keep what we wanted, please pack up what I knew he would need (like his motorcycle leathers) and trash/donate the rest and he would get the rest of the boxes on another trip. I am much too nice and so didn’t trash everything, just tossed things randomly into boxes. $1000 motorcycle jacket into the box with fish tank supplies.

      What really pissed me off though is he left a bunch of videogames and so I told son he could take what he wanted of them and we would eventually get rid of the rest. Son was delighted, but when FW came back to get his boxes, he wanted to take a bunch of the games that son had wanted to keep. I told FW that son was keeping those and he could get himself new copies.

      I was probably nicer than I should have been, but he didn’t take any of the furniture or housewares or really anything that wasn’t *his*. Anything of his I find now goes straight to the trash or donation bin.

      • Oh, that reminded me that back in the time after my 2013 dday, my ex-h tossed photos of me in the trash as he was cleaning out his stuff. Later when he was moving out, he wanted to leave the trash for me to deal with. I made him move with his trash. And the things of his that I’d packed in trash bags? I’d used the cheapest ones and overfilled them. I hope they broke on him.

      • I left all my unwanted stuff for FW to clean up when I left him. He still hasn’t gotten it all out. I smile whenever I think about it.
        I bought a new wardrobe and furniture to have no reminders of my old life, so there was a lot of stuff.

    • Mine tried that the first Christmas after he left to move in with AP. I said no thanks but your own gifts. My daughter received a jar of olives( she hates olives) and a Starbucks gift card( bigger than the one she gave him so he then tried to trade cards with her). I called him olive man for a while after that.

      • A jar of olives? WITAF?

        Mine actually whined the Christmas after Dday that I didn’t buy him any gifts. The Christmas before Dday he had oh so generously given me a re-gift from his whore.
        Can’t make this shit up.

    • Isn’t it amazing how fuckwits try to spin their parasitism as “collaboration”?

      I was accused of being “needy” by a grown man who didn’t own a car and constantly tried to mooch rides.

  • The entitlement is off the charts. That’s the basis for all of this. They want whatever, and we are supposed to fill in the blanks.

    What I did? Here’s a few: I wrote his grad school application and all of his papers. Job application letters. Resumes. Paid his college loans. Cooked, cleaned, ironed, mowed, painted, shopped, saved, scrimped, invested, planned, wrote wills, child care, homeschool. He constantly and ironically would say to me “don’t tell me what to do-you’re not my f**cking mommy,” but yet I was. Guess what I told him when he called me to bail him from jail after a DUI arrest? That’s right.

    He immediately recruited a new “mommy .” Of course.

    Entitled pieces of shite.

    • I have a similar story about supporting my ex’s career. Isn’t it wonderful that now we can expend all our effort on our own behalf?

  • After DDay… FW expected:
    -sex at least 3x weekly
    -for me to be nice to him

    After I filed for divorce… FW expected:
    -“only” the house, in exchange he agreed not to pursue alimony or my 401k (he didn’t have a dime saved for anything)
    -for us to keep living together, even sharing the same bed
    -for me to send him his most recent W2 (he requested this when he was AT HIS PLACE OF EMPLOYMENT)
    -our weekly family calendar I came up with on Excel

    • The EX did this almost exactly–wanted to keep living together. He thought there was no reason to bother about separate homes, and it would save money. He also wanted me to keep the divorce a secret from the church so that he wouldn’t get in trouble for cheating.

  • I was expected to forward my granddaughters performances after he abandoned her too. Nope. I did forward Nancy’s arrest records to the other grandmother. She told him to look it up online. Guess who was shocked when he wasn’t invited to her graduation.

  • The day before I was going to serve him divorce papers, he had a heart attack. Ending up on hospice for the next year. During that year he tried to date two of the hospice people. Even groped the social worker. Then was furious when they gave him an all male team. He wanted me to tell them he wasn’t that type of guy. She either lied or it was just an accident. A month before his death, I’m totally grey rock, haven’t spoken more then one word answers for the year, provided food to microwave or fast food. But only cooked for myself, refusing any requests to make some for him. He asks for me to cuddle with him. I say no. He says why not. Respond, never! He then says, “ I can’t believe you don’t want to make me happy, I’m choosing you, you should be happy “. (Eye roll) I walked away. Lol, he told on me. Thought hospice workers would make me cuddle with him. Proof, they don’t change, even in death.

    • “During that year he tried to date two of the hospice people. Even groped the social worker. Then was furious when they gave him an all male team. He wanted me to tell them he wasn’t that type of guy. She either lied or it was just an accident.”

      “Thought hospice workers would make me cuddle with him.”

      Wow. That was one disordered whacko. No gratitude that you stuck by him when he deserved to be left to die all alone.

  • My daughter wouldn’t speak to him. He wanted me to change her mind. I shut that down fast. I am not fixing something you broke. That relationship is between the two of them and I’m staying out of it. He tried multiple times. Even through the lawyers. She was 18 at the time. Saw right through the lies, manipulation and blame shifting. I told him if I needed to choose between his wishes and hers, she would win every single f*cking time.

  • He never wanted to continue the relationship but he did want me to continue managing his calendar for work and personal activities because I’m so organized, expects me to set up an Amazon gift registry for our kids so he doesn’t have to think what they might want for birthdays and holidays, wants me to book reservations for him on the 2x a year he visits with the kids for their birthday dinners, and, after being fired twice since the divorce, expected me (a lawyer) to negotiate his severance packages and use connections to find him a new job.

    That he persists in asking after 5 years of gray rock is perhaps the most remarkable part.

  • For context, my ex husband is not a touchy freely person at all, and does not really do physical affection. I, on the other hand am very physically affectionate, and express my love that way. During our last argument, FW told me he had no romantic feelings for me, and it was like a switch flipped. I told him since that’s the case, I would be dialing way back on the physical affection I offered him. The next day, I left for a conference. As I was headed out the door, he goes in for a hug, which was unusual since he rarely initiated hugs. When I dodged it, he sarcastically said, “what, no high five or anything?” What an idiot.

    Some other highlights:

    After we separated and were ready to file for divorce, FW, who was then pro se, asked me how to file his paperwork. He also expected that I would fill out all of the paperwork, including his portion. My lawyer drafted the separation agreement and parenting plan, and he expected that I would do a cash out refinance of my house and provide him with a lump sum of $20k. (He ended up owing me money from his 401k even taking into account the equity in my house).

    He left for a job several states away, but didn’t tell me until 3 days before he left, via text. He expected that we would figure out his visitation on the fly and expected child support would remain the same (he got a massive raise and went from 50/50 to me having our child 100%).

    He was verbally abusive and threatened me when I tried to ask for information and clarification on his plans. Then when he initially left, our son, then 11, told me his dad told him he would be feeding his dad’s cat. Meaning I had to drive our child to my ex’s apartment, who had just threatened me, to feed a cat. Not wanting a pet to die of starvation, I chumpily drove my son to feed his dad’s cat.

  • Six months after our divorce was finalized (five months after he married his child bride), he had the nerve to text me, just before Thanksgiving, to ask for my recipe for Chicken and Dressing. He was always excited for Thanksgiving because he LOVED my Cornbread Chicken and Dressing. Mind you, he had ghosted me for almost two years except to text me about the divorce. Anyway, like any old fashioned southern women, I don’t use a recipe for my chicken and dressing. I just know by instinct when it’s right. I don’t measure any thing. He knows that! Anyway, apparently his 25 year old smoochie had no clue how to make dressing (stuffing with chicken in it for you non-southerners). My response??? “StoveTop Stuffing instead of Potatoes or Google…good luck!”

    • Awww what a missed opportunity… you could have gotten a recipe online and sent it to him with some transcription “errors”. I’m always mixing up tsp and Tbs, Bell peppers and Tabasco peppers….

  • Him: can we still be friends?
    Me: so you were supposed to be my best friend already aka my husband & how exactly did that turn out?
    Him: I guess not then hey?
    Me: hey, that’s a definite big NOT
    Him: slinks off with his tail between his legs
    Me: giving him the death stare hoping for him to evaporate into outer space
    Him: did not evaporate so definitely not my friend

    • Mine didn’t try the lets be friends nonsense but I was ready with a reply: “you fall well below my minimum standard for friendship so no we cannot be friends”

  • My experience is a little different, as I had two orders of protection against Evil FW and he was not allowed to come within 500 feet of me or the house (gps tracked on ankle monitor). I had agreed that he could take all the furniture and belongings that he brought into the marriage. I – very nicely – marked all his furniture with post its and put all his dishes, books, tools, electronics (the few that weren’t taken by the police), etc and put them all in the dining room so the movers could pack and get them out quickly.

    When the movers arrived, I showed them the stuff. They said that they weren’t contacted to pack anything, and expected already-packed boxes. I told them they needed to call Evil FW and sort it out because I was not about to spend my hours packing his shit and be blamed if it broke. They left with only the furniture and a different crew came back 10 days later to pack and get the rest of it.

  • The hardest invasions to resist were those related to my children. They were 9 and 12 when we divorced. They wanted both parents at their school events, and holidays became tricky. Sometimes I just locked down my emotions and white knuckled it through an occasion. I was glad that time took care of the separation from one family to our 3-person family with visits to dad’s house. I try not to think about those adolescent years because they were so hard.

    The biggest cake he requested came years later when he told me he had something important to discuss and asked me to meet him after work. It turns out he wanted me to sign a credit application for him to get some cash for one of his projects, because I had good credit and he needed a co-signer. He could not believe I refused. I told him to ask his new wife (she had already lost a home in foreclosure, bad credit). He said he could not ask her to risk losing their home — it was all she had. I pointed out my home, and income from my job was all I had, too. Why was it my needs were not important? He got angry, and said I wanted to see him fail, and I would never forgive him for his past sins. I told him I had put the past in the past, he was in charge of his own business, and I was in charge of mine. Our relationship aside, it did not look like a good deal for me.

    When I drove away, I felt a strange sensation, like flying instead of driving. I think it was freedom, and the ability to say no and feel no hurt or regret. Our sons were in college then, and I felt we had all survived the trauma their dad had caused and come out stronger on the other side. He never asked me for money again. I guess I was removed from his useful list. How sweet is that?

    • So sweet!
      I liked your response “I told him I had put the past in the past, he was in charge of his own business, and I was in charge of mine.”
      How many times did the X-FW tell me “that’s all in the past!” to dismiss my concerns about his business trips & spending.

      Luckily since we separated & divorced, he hasn’t asked me for anything. I’m keeping that response in my arsenal.

    • Wow. Just wow. The gall…

      To quote an earlier comment: “Can’t make this stuff up!”

  • I had the converse. Took 6 weeks for FW to move out, her apartment wouldn’t be ready for that long. In that time she would cook, clean and do laundry. She would say “how can you be mad at me I am still cooking and cleaning for you”. “You should be grateful”.
    Of course that was because she had planted the story that she was leaving because of “emotional abuse”. I was blindsided and did some “pick me” prancing until a couple of good friends pointed out that she was cheating. Then I once I got the proof I went public and buried her sweet poly pure bread image in a LACGAL way.

  • Let’s see, mine thought we would live together until our lease was up. It was July, our lease was up in March. He expected small talk and me asking about his day when he got home from work. He screamed in our kitchen at our son that I still had access to HIS account (our joint account) so I needed to be buying his fucking groceries at one point. I transferred ALL of my inheritance out of our account shortly after that outburst. During the divorce negotiations he screamed at me, “and you need to teach me how to pay a bill!” I had begged him to get involved with our finances for years. He refused.

    D-day was July 27, I couldn’t get him out of the apartment until September 30. My lawyer wanted me to have the motherfucker arrested since he didn’t have the decency to leave and he had talked about killing me. I had to pack all his shit because I wanted him out and he wasn’t doing it. Then after he moves out he texts me wanting to know where I put his sweaters. I was already NC by then so I ignored it and blocked him.

    It was just unreal. The entire experience. I guess it’s because I forgave him before but before he didn’t talk about murdering me and tower over me and flail his fists at me when I was crying and scream, “You’re weaponizing your tears! That’s abuse, you’re abusing me!” A man over six feet tall, towering over me while I’m crouched down taking laundry out of the dryer with tears streaming down my eyes, his face contorted in rage, his fist raised, him jerking towards me threateningly… I’m 5’4″. I had to not cry in my own home while he insulted me until I could get him out because I was afraid he’d attack me for crying. It’s just mind blowing to me, a 20 year marriage, I never knew him at all. And he destroyed any type of good will completely in that two month period. But even then, he still expected me to be a good little appliance. I guess he never really knew me at all either.

    • Weaponizing your tears, you abuser! Wow, that’s so unreal!
      My ex hated to see me cry too, so for years I would have to muffle or just leave the room if I was crying.
      I was 61 when I found out at a regular gyn appt that I had an active HPV infection. I told him about it while we were in the car driving somewhere. I was very emotional about it and the only thing I remember hearing from him was “ you’re so ugly when you cry”.

        • Oh wow KatiePig. Just wow. Everything you you say I go “I know!!! Right?!?”. I inherited and put all of it into the house (much as I would’ve loved an American holiday or new car, something I’ve never had), and thereby be lucky enough to only work part time and spend time with our children. (I worked 24 hours a week, in (2) 12 hr shifts. Mum babysat those 2 days but we could not afford to pay for day care). FW then decides his 4 year old Landcruiser is not good enough for him, he has to have the latest Landcruiser. Of course he expects me to work full time to pay for it and the kids to look after themselves, purely so he can tool around in this truck looking swanky.

          What I don’t understand – ok you’re quite happy taking advantage of me but clearly this isn’t good for a 6 & 9 year old to be home alone, plus walking alone to and from school, not to mention (illegal) child endangerment. How can you not put your children first? How? Your children should come first before yourself, AP, me, or anything. Certainly not a car!

          All he had to do was wait about 5 years and the kids would be old enough to be home alone and he could’ve easily coerced me back to being his workhorse. I was actually lucky he found a thoroughbred and traded me in! (Joke was on him though, she turned out to be a gold digger and, to his utmost surprise, he didn’t get half my inheritance).

          • Oh and yeah, first Christmas after DDay. FW doesn’t have family in our state so I (generously I think) offer he can come over Christmas morning for breakfast and open presents with the kids. Then me & the kids go to my family’s traditional Christmas lunch. He acts surprised he’s not automatically included then goes all sad sausage “I guess I’m not invited anymore” poor me. Ok (a) YOU decided not to be part of my family, (b) go to APs & (c) seriously? My sister hates you – she knows the horrible things you said (I’m overweight) – “I’m embarrassed to be seen with you”, “my friends are laughing at me (being with you)” & let’s not forget stopping *half way thro* coz “you’re so ugly I just can’t” plus many, many more, Mums helping me pay for a lawyer, my brother in law was major friends with FW since childhood & is upset you never talked to him… but yeah, sure, wth, I guess come along & be the centre of attention & have a great time at our family lunch why not.

  • We had one car. He was getting tired of walking to work and suggested that we set up a schedule when he could have the car a couple of days a week. Never suggested a schedule when he would spend time with our son who was in high school.

  • 3 months after he asked me for a divorce (we still lived together) he expected me to join him and the kids at his family’s Christmas celebration. I declined. He was shocked and enraged.
    For my oldest son’s 8th grade graduation (9 mts after Dday-still living together) the school allotted each family 3 tickets which I took. FW booked a gig on his son’s graduation so was busy, but his gig got rained out so he was suddenly free. He asked if I had a ticket for him. (I did have an extra because no one in my family wanted to go, so for my son’s sake I gave it to him- we sat at opposite ends of the auditorium)-last time I ever wifed for him.
    When FW finally moved out of the house he had the gall to COMPLAIN to me about how little room there was at his father’s 4000 square foot million dollar home-his father is in his 80s and lives in the “house” (mansion) alone. (also his excuse for never letting the kids stay overnite- NO ROOM IN THESE 6 bedrooms)

    • My ex still expected me to attend his snotty daughter’s baby shower after I’d found out his ex gf has been on the side our entire relationship, and he’d treated me like shit because I refused to rug sweep it. His highness hated being uncomfortable.

      And his daughter had always treated me like shit. But he was super image conscious and was invested in the phony happy family image.

      Since he was super conflict avoidant he just avoided the subject, assumed I’d go, then the day before started talking about how he’d drop me off, go to the beach (while I was miserable at the baby shower), then pick me up (while he acted like the big family man) and we’d go to dinner. Had my entire day planned out for me.

      Imagine his shock at finding out I’d already sent a gift and declined the invitation. He was pisses off but too conflict avoidant to actually say anything so he plastered that phony smile on his face and pretended. At that point I was planning to file so I didn’t give a shit if he was upset….really freed me up to enjoy the show!

      He later admitted that he knew I didn’t want to go. But my feelings were always prioritized far below those of his ex wife and snotty daughter. Now he’s alone and free to kiss both of their asses.

  • He wanted…

    1. For me to continue to communicate with him on a friendly basis as if nothing had happened. This included discussing who we were “seeing”.

    2. For me to continue to fund 50% of the ongoing house renovations after he changed the locks without telling me.

    3. For me to keep paying the mortgage on a house he locked me out of.

    4. To be able to dictate when and how I placed money in the joint bank account.

    The answer to each was, of course, no.

    • Ah, that reminds me! Mine wanted me to use my inheritance to pay off his car! He said “we” can afford to pay off the cars before we get divorced.

      And I was like you mean you want me to use my money to pay off your car. No. That’s not in my best interest, that’s my money.

      He was so shocked. He always thought I did things and sacrificed for the family because I was weak. He never understood it was out of love.

  • To figure out how his AP could get a virtual key to his new apartment so she wouldn’t have to use his phone.

    To get me to help him get a new bed for him and the AP because the borrowed bed they were sleeping and fucking in (cue the violins) was held together by hockey sticks and tape. ????

    To help him fill out the divorce paperwork.

    He didn’t know why I wouldn’t try to fix these problems for him. Almost can’t blame him; I mean, for 35 years I did just that.

  • The divorce was final April 2018 after a 38 year marriage.He left to live with his much younger and long time mistress.
    I was starting an April to Sept hike of the Pacific Crest Trail at the time.
    He offered to host my extended family ( it’s been a 10 year annual and much anticipated event, 4th of July week at our beach house) while I was on the hike.
    I’m sure it was to do some high steppin image management with my family, as he saw no reason on the face of this earth why we just couldn’t all still be friends and vacation together. ( my baby brother, a doctor now, was 8 years old when ex and I began dating, he was more like a sibling to him than anything else and looked up to him so much)
    All my family is no contact with the ex now, which greatly upsets the FW for some odd reason.
    I often wonder if his plan was to bring Schmoopie along beach week to sleep with him in my bed with my three ( very shocked and devastated kids still) in the house and my 5 siblings with their intact families who are hugely loyal to me in attendance. MHow delusional can a person be? What an idiot!
    I just laughed out loud at that suggestion. Gives you glimpses of how they can’t even see the destruction they’ve caused, they just think it’s because you don’t want to remain friends with them, the only reason for any post divorce issues that arise is because I just won’t play fair and I remain bitter and non-forgiving. ( yeah, it’s all my fault, you A-hole)
    They see themselves as so innocent of any culpability, they just want to be happy, why wouldn’t I want that for him too?
    Life is short, if I truly loved him, I would want him to be happy, right?
    I’m so damn thankful I was able to wake up from that fog that consumed me.
    So no beach week 2018, but it’s continued every year since, very happily and very successfully.
    His tried to have a beach w/e with his own family, but none of my kids would even go, so he gave that up and bought another beach house in another state for Schmoopie and him.
    I’m sure he can find a ton of superficial ‘friends’ to join him there, but I do believe even he, with his cracked and broken soul, can sense the difference in ppl that have deeply bonded with you.
    He walked away from many ppl that loved him so dearly. Just blew up his life.
    I hope for his sake, he never stops hunting women long enough to realize what he gave up. More than he could afford to lose, but maybe being as shallow as a worm’s puddle, he is protected from ever grasping that.
    Good riddance to him and best of luck to his new bride. My Lord, she will def need it.

    • Wow! This resonates with me so much, esp this part: “…they can’t even see the destruction they’ve caused, they just think it’s because you don’t want to remain friends with them, the only reason for any post divorce issues that arise is because I just won’t play fair and I remain bitter and non-forgiving. ( yeah, it’s all my fault, you A-hole)”

      Oh god. Exactly. While holding the pin to the grenade, x can’t seem to understand that he’s responsible for the carnage. He did the calculation and decided he was willing to sacrifice his marriage/mirage, but shockingly he never anticipated that there would be any collateral damage (i.e., loss of kids, grandkids, etc…).

      The EQ is low in that one. #understatement

      • His engorged dick was blocking his view of any collateral damage on the treacherous horizon.

        • “His engorged dick was blocking his view of any collateral damage on the treacherous horizon.”

          ???? Three inches can blot out the horizon?

  • Mine was getting married to to the OW ….he came and asked me …could I alter the bridal party dresses …. i couldn’t believe my ears ….and when I refused….he couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t

  • Two months after our divorce was final, FW called me to ask for $30,000. He said his massage parlor girl Schmoopie had left him and he needed the money to get into a condo and pay his tax bill. I of course refused. Come to find out later that he was actually married to massage girl Schmoopie at the time. Married her before the ink was dry on our divorce.

    How I found out that he was married to her, is he accidentally sent a text intended for her to our daughter. The text was some sort of long prayer asking her for forgiveness and for God to bless their marriage. He was Jesus cheater, you see. ???? Seemed there was already trouble in Paradise. I know I should’ve maintained no contact, but I was livid and emailed him to give him a piece of my mind. “How dare you ask me for money you are married to that whore. Ask your wife to step up to happy endings to pay your tax bill! And how the hell can you possibly think that God will bless your marriage?”

    Thank God our divorce was final at the end of December, or I would’ve been on the hook for that debt.

    Off-topic, but I have seen some of you have profile pictures. How do you create one?

  • He wanted me to…1. Give him half the cost to full the propane tank for the house up (~$450), even though I wasn’t living there at the time, 2. Add his new truck (that he bought after we separated) to my insurance policy, 3. Be a reference for him on his rental application when he finally moved out of the house (and he only moved across the street, so he wants me to supervise off the books visits with our kid because he only has 4 hours of professionally supervised visits with her per week), and 4. Not report him to the State for not paying me child support. I’m in therapy to work on my codependency, boundary setting and assertiveness and it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

  • He wanted to allow me to let him travel 3000 miles to see his slutmate coworker and bring her back so I could meet her. “You’d like her. She’s just like you.” I told him he was delusional and filed for divorce the following week.

  • I was 5 mo pregnant with twins on DDay. He’d been cake eating for months if not longer. I filed 45 days later. Have 100% custody of our older 2 kids. Based on a court ordered mediation. During first mediation he wanted me to pay for his car insurance and business insurance (after we agreed to financially separate), wanted me to pay alimony and child support now (divorce prob won’t be final til October). And why would I pay child support for someone not supporting our children? His lawyer wanted to make sure he had a steady stream of income so he could qualify for a loan to be able to refinance the house we just moved from that’s a rental that I worked my ass off to pay for. Oh he wanted to name one of the babies and then ‘Let me’ pick the middle name for the other. Our first two kids are named after his family. The saga continues. He demanded to be in the delivery room but on the other side of the room and wouldn’t talk to me. Um no. This man caused me and my unborn babies so much trauma. The gaslighting, the lies, the manipulation. He won’t buy diapers or formula or anything for the twins unless he sees them when he wants. It’s not in our court order or recommended custody and I still make arrangements for him to see the twins. They’re only a month old right now! I won’t let him in my house and have a court order confirming that. He tells people the days he’s not hanging out with our kids are his days off (he only sees them 2x a week). Oh, he wants empathy from me and doesn’t understand why I can’t fill in the blank demand. Empathy? If anyone deserves … Nm. Gross.

  • Expected me to borrow $50k from my retirement account to pay his legal bills because OW(en) (there were 2of them) had filed a complaint accusing him is sexual harassment and assault.

  • On the wall next to his desk in his office at the business we own. A copy of Promise Yourself by Christian D. Larson.
    (Google it. You will laugh out loud. That, on the wall, in the office of a liar, cheater, and thief).

    Those cheesy corny sports/action photos with an inspirational word of some character trait in all caps, framed and hung in our conference room, probably from Corporations R Us. Words like INTEGRITY! COOPERATION! PERSERVERANCE! under a photo of some dude on a big wave or dangling from El Cap in Yosemite.

    (They need one that says BULLSHIT!)

    The capper was when a local couple started a company called Do Good Be Kind. I ordered t-shirts for me and our daughter. It was about a week before DDay and I was in active PI recon mode, looking for proof of the screwing around I was sure was going on but he was continuing to deny. He arrived home from a “business trip” at the same moment the postman dropped the package off with the order in it. An order of t-shirts that say DO GOOD. BE KIND.

    As I am opening the box…….

    (Once again, a box with t-shirts inside that say DO GOOD. BE KIND…..yes, you read that right, dear Chump Nation)

    …..he actually asks me if I ordered one for him too.


    And of course I learned about two weeks
    later that he had actually been at the Craigslist cockroach’s place just before arriving home that day.

    I have come to realize that his image management campaign strategy includes actual signage, so desperate is he to throw people off the truth and prove that he is Really A Nice Guy.

    • “I have come to realize that his image management campaign strategy includes actual signage, so desperate is he to throw people off the truth and prove that he is Really A Nice Guy.”

      I wonder if he believes his own PR. I mean, if given a truth serum would he actually assert that he is “good and kind’? I’m convinced that my own pathetic x would. To think otherwise would probably send him into a tailspin of despair. x engages in frantic image management not only to convince others that he’s still a REALLY GOOD GUY but also to convince himself of his own goodness.

      The smoke he blows goes everywhere. And he would wear that shirt without irony.????

      • I do believe he actually buys his own bullshit. But the people who know him best do not.

        • Yeah. What I find interesting in my own case is that one of x’s best friends, who knows x lies and betrays, STILL somehow maintains a friendship. A certain mental gymnastics allows this, I guess.

          No doubt it goes something like this: “Well, yeah, x lied and cheated but we don’t know what goes on behind closed doors. And he only lied about one thing. He’s still my friend. I won’t cast him aside for one transgression.” Oh, “And he’s always been nice to me.”

          This guy shouldn’t be surprised if one day he wakes up with fleas.

      • Spinach, you gave me an idea! I can do a mock-up of one of those dopey corporate inspirational signs, using his LinkedIn profile picture (Cool Dude on a beam reach on what was formerly our sailboat) and the word

        I’ll frame it and hang it with the others and see how long it takes the dimwit creep to notice.


    • Yeah, it’s seems really critical for them to be seen by ppl as a “ good” person. I’ve gotten so many emails from the cheater saying “ but I’m a good person!
      ARE YOU?!?
      They should have contemplated that WAY sooner if that is the moniker they wanted in life. Lost opportunity there.
      Sorry to tell let them all know, saving whales during the week when you are drowning babies all w/e cancels out your “ good guy” award status.
      Even if they attempt to cover every square inch of their walls with
      “ integrity” hangings or stake a gigantic neon flashing sign on their front lawn “ a really good person lives here”, the spots can never be bleached out of their ‘cheat-a’ coats.

      • My ex tells everyone he’s a “nice guy”.

        The people who feel the need to tell you they’re a good person usually aren’t.

        • Kim,

          Also “nice” is not the same thing as “kind”.

      • Yup, a FB post of a similar thing came through on my feed, the first time I had looked at it for months!

        Blocked him after I finished dry heaving.

  • My husband (now ex-husband) assumed that I would move to a different city to live hear him and schmoopie so that he could still see the kids while he completed yet another degree. Oh and he also told me he couldn’t afford to go to grad school without my income (this was the third degree of his, each a complete career change, that I would have helped to pay for…he was only 30….). He assured me, however, that he had discussed with schmoopie and that she agreed to pay child support. How about…no!

    • Haha. The entitlement is strong in these FWs. Isn’t it?

      This reminds me that x also miscalculated re the AP. His retired physician ass (too young for Medicare) thought that he could go on AP’s health-insurance plan once he married her. Guess what, CN? It appears she’s not working at all. And she’s in her early fifties.

      For the non-US chumps out there who don’t get our effed-up US health insurance system, know that if you don’t get health insurance from your employer or your spouse’s employer, you have to buy it on the exchange, which is really expensive. I’m sure x feels the victim of this situation, too. ????

  • I can only think of one. It was after I’d started divorce proceedings, and he came over to collect all his shite which I’d bagged up.

    Just before he left, he asked if I would keep his mail and forward it to him. No.
    (being a whole sentence ????).

    Then of course he got all ratty and started complaining I’d: 1. ‘thrown’ all his clothes into bin bags without folding them, including his precious para blazer and beret, which might have damaged them, and 2. I hadn’t brought his fishing box inside, but left it out in the rain.

    ????????. Wanker.

    • NowEx had moved out in a temporary separation that permanent. As I continued to live my life surrounded by a life together of almost 20 years, I started putting his belongings in a storage room. He got mad that I was removing all trace from the house…. well, yes.

    • I’ve been impressed with posts in the past by Chumps who added cat urine to the bags……

      • Yes-cat ???? tinkle stinks ! I have a new feline neighbor marking his territory on my front porch ! Time to dig out the Super Soaker water gun ????????

  • I was never allowed to say no to sex again ( and I didn’t for 4 years during wreckonciliation). Can we say abuse?

    • Newlady- I am so sorry you experienced such abuse. X told me we could only reconcile if I agreed to sex three times a day. When I hesitated, he said, “See this is your problem.” I can’t even begin to explain their behaviour.

      • Same. I was “allowed” to say no but it came with the threat that cheater would cheat again if I ever said no. It was extra special because cheater refuses protection and I’m immunocompromised and told cheater the cheating is a threat to my life and safety. Cheater used this to make the threats if I said no essentially become death threats.

        • He’s a murderous psychopath, marissachump. I’m sorry you went through that and relieved you got out alive.

          • Thank you and me too! There were several times I wasn’t sure if I’d escape with my life. And I hope to god cheater doesn’t find me now that cheater knows I’ve told several people the truth about it all.

      • “I can’t even begin to explain their behaviour.”

        I can. They are rapists. Pure and simple. They actually prefer coerced sex, so when they get a chance like that, they go for it.
        Mine preferred schmoopie because he could have sex with her when she was so drunk her consent was meaningless.

  • After X said he wanted an open relationship- as I sat sobbing on the floor, (I was in so much shock)-he asked me to call his doctor to find out the appointment time for his MRI for his knee. I managed to tell him to call and find out himself.

    • Reminds me of my second Dday. XH called from a business trip to ask me what to do since he thought he had an STI from a hooker, Oh, and he was sorry.

      I told him if he could find a hooker, he could find a local public health clinic. Then, when he got home, he tried to tell me how painful it was to have a swab up his dick. I shut that down too.
      I know I stayed because I was a SAHM, hadn’t worked for 9 years, had 4 kids in preschool/grade school, lived 70O miles away from any family AND we were in the middle of another out of state move.


  • I paid all the bills for our house and business for 34 years and like all of us took care of the pesky things in life. After the divorce:
    Expected me to continue paying his business bills…umm no
    Expected me to go to the DMV to have my name taken off his vehicle titles..No
    Expected me to go around and have my name taken off of his utilities…No
    Continued to want things from my house…sent him screenshots showing Walmart sold said items
    Expected me to let him use my credit card for his vacation and he would pay me back????…No
    Then asked me to co-sign for a credit card for him…no
    Asked me for advice on how to break up with OW…told him to pretend she was me because he had no problem dumping me after 34 year.
    Blocked him

    • Good for you!! Mighty????.

      Your list would be funny if it weren’t so sad (and so familiar).

    • Like you, my ex expected me to pay the utilities while she stayed in the house after I moved out and until she moved out. Such entitlement.

      • He asked me to take his mother to the doctor’s office because he couldn’t. His mother was losing a frightening amount of weight. He was OH SO concerned.

        And chumpy me did it. (MIL was totally fine medically, btw.)

        Imagine my reaction when I found out that the reason FW was unable to take his mom is that he was driving out of town with the AP FOR PLEASURE.

        AND, to add insult to injury, on that unpleasant long drive to the doctor’s office, then-MIL:

        *lectured me on forgiveness (quoting the bible)

        *scolded me for not “getting over it” (it had been 3 weeks since D-day after a 35-year marriage), and

        *sang (I shit you not) a religious hymn to drown me out when I told her that what her son had done shows poor character and a sense of entitlement. Oh, and she also told me that she met with and hugged the AP. 3 weeks post D-Day!!

        Chumpy me decided then and there that I wouldn’t be used again and that certain people don’t deserve to be in my life. #toxic #divorceperk

  • Knave-man expected me to care for his dying mother. And I did it — for her.

    • I still feel guilty because I did not do this. He never asked me to, but I felt guilty each time he traveled back to his home state. That was 6 years ago, pre-separation. I assuage my guilt by asking myself, what would I have done with the kids? Can’t leave high schoolers & middle schoolers home alone…..

      I feel bad about that entire situation. We never discussed her care. He didn’t bring it up & I didn’t bring it up – our dysfunction clearly showed itself to me.
      And I have no idea what he told his mother over those last 3 months. I don’t even think I sent a card.
      Collateral damage. She was a good mother-in-law.

  • So many to choose from, LOL!

    During the divorce, my favorites were:
    – asking me questions about divorce law since he refused to hire a lawyer (WTF?!)
    – wanting to talk to me about his indiv. therapy sessions & all that he was learning about himself (not my journey)
    – expecting me to run to his family when his uncle was diagnosed with cancer (family stopped speaking to me immediately after the divorce, but I was supposed to care about them)
    – trying to talk to me about his problems with Shmoopie (the entitlement is strong with this one!)

    Since the divorce 2.5 years ago, I have been no contact with the exception of grey rock alimony/divorce discussions. He continued to text me at least once a month (miss you, made mistakes, want you back, how bout that hockey game?, blah blah) all while he was still with OW and they had a child together.

    About two months ago, I got a text message telling me how horrible his life is, how everything is falling apart, everyone is getting sick, you never know when it will be the last time you talk to someone… just on and on about himself, of course! The alimony & business of the divorce is complete, so this was the final straw & push that I needed. BLOCKED on all forms of communication and social media. It’s been the best, most peaceful time I can remember in a long time. Should have done it sooner!

    • LifeIsGood, the ex and I are both lawyers (UK). One moment he ‘knew what he was in for’, the next he was emailing me asking if I’d applied for the decree nisi. I ignored him. In my head I was thinking ‘call the court yourself, you lazy b*&£#&d!’ If I had been psychologically healthy at the time we met, 26 years before he left (now nearly 3 years ago), I would not have given him a second look. There was no way I was going to lift a finger to help him once I discovered the affair (up to that point I was the Ginger Rogers of pick me dancers without knowing that’s what I was doing). The ex is posh boy low life. Not unusual in England!

  • This is what really gets me the entitlement of the FW’s, it shows no bounds. It actually still breaks my heart to see how he never cared about me or the kids, only himself.
    – a few hours after discovery, he came up to me crying and hugged me. I thought it was about the cheating, no he was sad because he just talked to his Mom (it was Mother’s Day) and thought his parents were divorcing! News flash, they are still married.

    – right before he moved out (at the time I didn’t want him to) he told me I should pay half his rent! I didn’t.

    – after he moved out and realized the kids didn’t want to go there, he told me I should go somewhere for the weekends so he could live at the house to be with the kids! I refused.

    – he called me yelling and screaming at me because my daughter doesn’t want to see him and proceeds to tell me that I don’t understand this type of pain and rejection! I hang up on him.

    – the 1st Christmas after he moved out (2 months) wanted me to give him suggestions of what presents to get the kids! Ignored him.

    – since daughter was not communicating with him during the divorce I had to (on advice from my attorney) provide a bi-weekly email update on what was going on in her life. After the divorce he asked for these to continue – she was 2 months from being 18 years old! I ignored him.

    – he asked that we co-host a high school graduation party at my house for her! I ignored him.

    – text message 15 months after divorce asking me to support him as the “kids’” father (they are 22 and 20) that keeping info from him about them is “hurting” them! I ignored it.

    • It’s amazing how it is still the chump’s responsibility to make sure the cheater has a good relationship with his kids! The EX did this recently with me. Our 22-year-old hasn’t spoken to him in three years. He told me to have her call him. She is an adult with her own job, apartment, and boyfriend. I told him that I can’t make her do anything she doesn’t want to do, but if he wanted to send a letter, I would give it to her. No letters have arrived. Apparently, that’s too much work for him.

  • A recent example, it was our youngest son’s birthday last week. “Did you buy a card for him that I can sign?” Dude. Buy your own card. I wrote out a heartfelt message in the card I bought for my baby (17 years old so not a baby anymore, but he’ll always be to me) and not only can FW not sign it, I don’t even want him to read it! But yeah, sure, think I’m still doing the wife appliance jobs even though I kicked your lying, cheating ass out eight months ago.

  • I am happily remarried and my wonderful wife and I not long ago each had one of these moments. My my wife’s Ex fuckwit emailed her out of the blue and asked her to rummage through old VHS tapes to find two he was wanted. A video of trains and another of NFL bloopers! Not even of his own kids or family. He wanted her to make copies and offered to pay for them after he received them. She totally ignored the email and we had quite a laugh over it.
    My Ex fuckwit sent me an email asking me to give her my original birth certificate so that she could use it to apply for Social Security benefits based on our long term marriage. I responded “No”. She sent another email explaining why she needed it and that one of our sons could pick it up and take care of it. I responded by reminding of the ways she had cheated me in the past and that we had agreed in the divorce not to involve our adult kids in our business. She then had our son call me to explain all this again and ask me to cooperate. There was so much I wanted to tell him about his mom, but I bit my lip and asked him to butt out and leave this to me and his mother. I sent her an email telling her she had my answer and that she was very lowlife involving our son in this. Have not had any communication with her since.

    • Bruno,

      I can only imagine what a fw like that would do with an original birth certificate. What a dipshit ! ????

  • My ex said (after she cheated and abducted my kid to another country and her AP left his own kids) “….. when you fly to collect your daughter can you pick up his kids too and fly them at the same time”

    I said no and she got angry ‘there JUST kids!’

    She also said ‘can we have an open relationship?’ before I answered she said : ‘No actually, he’d (the AP) would never accept that’

    I mean I laugh now but just ….wow

  • After I moved out, we didn’t speak or see each other for almost a year. The divorce negotiations were almost entirely no contact via the mediator, with just a couple of business-like direct emails regarding the home sale. With no children, I was trying to look forward and planned on full no contact after the divorce was finalized.

    So, a few weeks after the divorce is finalized, she emails me out of the blue, and is all casual, like there’s nothing bad between us. I’m paraphrasing a bit here, but this is the gist of it: “Hope this finds you well. I know you love the cats [the ones she took], and I need a pet sitter for when I’m out of town, and they’d love to hang out with you. Let me know soon because I have upcoming plans. Thank you for considering.”

    My response was pretty much a big fat nope. A couple of my friends said the exact same thing about her doing this: “She has some balls asking that.” Indeed she does. This really does explain why she felt entitled to have affairs.

    • We had two wonderful cats early in our marriage. One unfortunately died in her arms from a seizure. She was heartbroken. A few months later a young stray cat started hanging out so we adopted him. She told me in all seriousness that God sent her that cat to mend her broken heart. OK. Within five years our marriage was rocky, as unknownest to me she was sleeping around. A new stray kitten appeared and she adopted this one too. The DD shit hit the fan and I kicked her out. She got her own place and I assumed wanted both cats. Nope. She only wanted the new kitten. She expected me to keep the cat from God. When I reminded her of it’s divine origin all I got was an icy stare. I was fine with the cat. I had it for many years and into my new marriage.

      • As a mom of three cats (i have a human son too but he’s grown) I can’t understand how a woman leaves her cat! I had one cat at the time of divorce and I had him written into the divorce paperwork because that mfer was not going to touch my cat! And he was just a shelter cat, not one sent to me by God!

        • She could be a regular Cruella Deville. Our family dog died while we were across the country on vacation. Our sons were heartbroken. We bought a German shorthaired pointer puppy to replace her and the kids were over the moon. But these dogs are very high energy and can be destructive if not exercised and trained. We were not prepared for this dog.. After a few years of this my XW says it is her or the kid’s dog. Our marriage is already on the rocks, because unbeknownst to me see is having sex with co-workers. I am willing to do almost anything to right the ship, so I find a breed specific rescue who would take him and find a good home. So I sit down to talk to her about it and she says, “No way, that would just make me the bad guy!” I think she was hoping I would just make the dog dissappear and tell the kids he ran away. Post divorce that dog was my best friend and we developed a really special bond. He even caught the eye of my to be wife, as she was hoping to find a dog lover to date. That cat was part of the package too.

        • KatiePig, my FW XW effectively left me the two cats she originally got as kittens several years before D-day (without my knowledge or consent. Not even the kids knew she was getting them. But who can get upset over adorable kittens?).

          After I started to slowly come out of the six month pick-me-dance, I changed the locks on the house she left me in, that’s now my home. So, I effectively blocked her from seeing the cats after that (she was waltzing in and out of the house doing whatever she felt like, after moving in a half mile down the street w/her soon to be former boss but active AP, now her new partner-for-life. I don’t call them married as you have to understand marriage in my book to be considered married, and clearly neither of them has a clue. Which also means she was never truly married to me. I, on the other hand, was married to her).

          At one point a few years ago I needed cat coverage while visiting my family, and my oldest daughter saw my struggle and suggested letting her mother do it (she’s never moved farther than the half mile away from me with the asshole). I had to inform my daughter that I had boundaries regarding her mother now, and that was NOT going to happen.

          At some later point (I don’t think it was the same time as above), the same daughter informed me (unasked for, as always) that her mother missed the cats, but told her that in leaving me she had to make hard choices about who to continue loving (they were talking about the cats at the time). Neither the cats nor I made the cut, it seems. My daughter did agree that it sounded like a weird statement from her mother. I couldn’t agree more.

          The cats and I are now living fuckwit-free together. At least they’re w/someone who can give them love. The fuckwit is incapable of that.

    • Michael S, hate to say the obvious, but she seems to have already mastered a really good handle of taking care of the pussies…sorry…

  • Back story: the Lying Cheating Loser, like so many cheaters, used to whine that I “didn’t want him to have friends,” that I “couldn’t stand that people liked him,” and that I “had taken everybody from him.” When what it really was, was my fruitless efforts to get him to have normal boundaries with female “friends.”
    After I finally told him to GTFO, his mommy paid for a UHaul, and he arranged for one of his many, many friends (not) to come help him move out. I had generously offered him the master bedroom furniture which I had bought and refinished with zero help from him.
    Oh, also! We shared an 1,100 sqft, two bedroom house which I moved us into completely solo, making a million trips in my pickup truck, one day while he was at work.
    Unsurprisingly, his buddy flaked and didn’t show up to help with the LCL moving effort.
    I was holed up in the guest bedroom, gray rocking like a champ, when suddenly the LCL stood in the doorway.
    LCL: Can you help me move the dresser and the chest of drawers?
    WaW: Nope.
    LCL: Buddy flaked on me. I can’t move them by myself.
    WaW: Why not? I moved them into this house by myself.
    LCL: I’m not you.
    WaW: Not my problem.

    Somehow he got the truck loaded and drove off. And I felt mighty as hell.
    For context: at the time, he was a 34-year-old former Air Force Sgt. I was an almost 50-year-old, 5’2″, physically average woman.
    But apparently, I was better suited to moving heavy furniture.
    Good riddance to that fucking loser.

  • Asked for a flat screen TV as a “parting gift”.

    Asked if my parent’s accountant could continue doing his taxes as well as mine because “I can’t do TurboTax!”.

    First day in my new place bombarded me with texts asking to help him transfer the utility bill to his name.

    “Joked” about bringing dishes and laundry when he visited me. I refused to give him my new address.

  • Cheater expected me to not tell a potential new supply about the cheating with one of the other APs because it would ruin cheater’s chances with that person. Cheater even claimed I supposed promised not to tell potential new supply. And then cheater raged like I have never seen before that point when I “broke my [supposed] promise” and told the potential new supply everything for her safety. She deeply appreciated the warning, ended her friendship with cheater, and became my friend instead.

  • Oh I forgot my most recent story! Cheater ex contacted me a couple of months ago to leave sad sausage text messages about how terrible I was because I was “isolating someone in recovery” because I told a few other people in cheater’s circles that cheater is a serial rapist and serial statutory rapist. I didn’t respond. I guess cheater expected me to keep her dirty and violent secrets? Yeah no.

  • At church, two weeks after he had been arrested for filming other people’s children to make porn for himself, he turns to me and says with excitement: “So should we tell everyone we’re pregnant??”

    I was so absolutely shocked. I just said, “No, they already know” (because my amazing wonderful fantastic pastor had alerted everyone the previous week that some shit was happening, he’d been arrested and *I* needed everyone’s support really bad because I was pregnant and my world was falling down around me. And my church followed through. Thank God for that man).

    That was the moment I knew my ex did not get it, he was delusional. I moved out immediately after church. When he came to see our daughter later that day I said to him, “WE are not pregnant. WE are not anything. *I* am pregnant, and you have left me in this hell.” Cue surprised Pikachu face.

    Oh, I’m supposed to celebrate a new child with you, when you’ve been charged with felonies against other children? No way. Left and didn’t look back.

    (And for those who might think “why didn’t you leave immediately after he was arrested child porn is an absolute deal breaker” I’m in agreement, child porn absolutely is unacceptable, and my initial reaction to stick around was an attempt to control the situation, to “support” him so he would get treatment, to MAKE IT STOP. Bargaining stage of grief, just like other chumps who think they can convince their fuckwits to stop being horrible by showing them how loving you are. But as we all know, they just take our love as a sign that they can get away with anything. That day I knew for certain: he had no remorse, he expected everything to go back to normal. Hell no.)

    • Don’t feel embarrassed. No one knows how to deal with the unthinkable.

      • I only shared that last paragraph because I read a post a while back where someone shared a story similar to mine and many people responded by attacking and criticizing that person, “You should have left immediately clearly you’re a terrible person for even considering being with such a person yada yada!” Which, come on. None of us would have chosen to be with a fuckwit if we knew from the beginning what they were. The same is true for those of us who were lured in by felonious ones.

        • I’m so sorry.

          CN’s pretty great but I’ve seen some judgmental comments here too lately. God forbid we don’t react perfectly when we’ve just been dealt the worst trauma of our lives.

    • I had the same exact initial thought. That I needed to protect children from him. I still feel this deep horror and guilt that I’m not there when he interacts with friends’ and relatives’ children. I completely get it. I would’ve sacrificed my whole life to stop him from harming a child.

      • Thanks Katie, it’s good to know I’m not alone in that sentiment. What a hard realization it was that even if I tried to watch him 24/7, he would still find ways to harm others. In the end I had to flee to save my own sanity and protect the two children I can – my own.

        • Exactly. I had two close friends and my lawyer gently tell me that I’d done all I could do and I had to let it go or it was going to destroy me. We can’t stop them from being who they choose to be. That’s their sin, not ours. It’s easier to say than accept though.

  • Well, the first thing Cheating Bastard Ex expected was that I would stay. I’d done it plenty of times before, so it was not an unrealistic assumption.
    The next offer was, maybe we can go out to dinner now and then. Hard oh, he’ll to the no!
    Then during property settlement negotiations, the “I hope you can help me with some things” email arrived. Had no idea at the time his missive corresponded to a leaky toliet that had caused significant damage to three downstairs ceiling during my absence. It gave new meaning to the phrase ” he shit all over my home and marriage.”

  • 3 months after D-day when I kicked him out, the last text he sent before I blocked him:
    FW: “Since I can’t get to the post office because of working every day, would you mail a package for me if I drop it off?”
    Me: “No. Ask your brother.”

  • That I would notify/remind him of parent-teacher appointments scheduled with her school, when he got the same emails I did. I was reprimanded for not letting him know about MY appointment that I scheduled to discuss our daughter with her teachers. If he had intended to hop onto my appointment, he certainly did not ask ahead of time, and I (stupidly) thought that since he was privy to the same information that he would have either done the former or scheduled one for himself. I told him I’m not his secretary. I freely share information that he would not receive about our daughter otherwise. Yeah, not playing on a “team” anymore, so put on your parental pants and figure it out yourself. They guy still can’t be bothered to trim her little fingernails. It’s become a sort of joke. Thank goodness she’s getting to an age where she can do and better advocate for things herself.

  • Dipshit #1 still tries to hug me and act like we’re friends on the rare occasions we run into each other, a decade after he cheated and dumped me over email. Later found out he was engaged the whole time to a 3rd woman. I’m amazed he’s not dead from STDs at this rate.

    Dipshit #2 didn’t cheat but was abusive in other ways. Last time I heard from him, he texted me in the middle of the night to ask if he could see a copy of the offer letter I received years earlier from our employer because he “needed leverage to ask for a raise.”

    That’s not how negotiations work, but I didn’t have the energy to parse through his obvious lie and figure out what his scheme was. I declined to help and never heard from him again, so he obviously swooped off like the parasite he is to easier prey.

  • He was convinced we would keep sharing the same psychiatrist, although I had been her client for years and he had been only once (and lied to her too).

    He also thought I would come to his father’s funeral. He died about one week after we signed the divorce papers. I actually would have gone, but everything was so raw that I couldn’t face it. Later I realised that was the time when he understood that we weren’t friends any longer, and I also realised that he probably had to explain to a lot of people why I wasn’t there. I broke NC when I was informed to say I was sorry for his loss, but I couldn’t go. I later came to regret it when he asked me why and I told him the truth (I couldn’t face it and I’m not gonna go to draw attention to myself, something his father would have done). He actually used this to try and drag me into a “closurr” conversation three months after discard. I told him I wasn’t interested anymore. I felt humiliated that I told him the truth at the time, but now I feel bettrr about it – the no show and the lack of interest to meet must have stung.

  • A year after we were living apart, he was dating the CEO of a company that was about to go public. In order to let people in on the offering, a letter has to go to the recipients so they can get in on the pre-public sales price. For god knows what reason, the official letter for the offering came to my address. I opened it, read what it was, remembered about him quitting work to reduce child support to $200 / month for 2 children … and carefully cut it into tiny pieces and set it on fire.
    It was sometime later he called and asked if a letter had arrived for him. I said no. He called daily for a couple more days and finally I asked why they would deliver a letter with his last name on it. He wasn’t on the lease or anything. So he basically missed out on an IPO that would have made him quite a bit. If I had thought any of that would go into child support … this story would end differently

    PS: any legal issues arising from this admission — I checked. the statute of limitations have long passed.

    • after D day, a letter came from his work, saying he had won an award, and would be receiving $25,000. I told him I wanted half of it to take the 3 kids on a vacation for Christmas. He was mad that I opened his mail. I reminded him that in the 22 years of marriage, I ALWAYS opened the mail, or it would sit there for months. He gave me the money.

    • Love how you handled this. Honestly, he didn’t deserve the opportunity if he was too lazy (or stupid) to contact the company directly to resolve the problem, which is what most adults would do.

  • I just want to mention that as bad as things are and as tough and difficult as things can be that there are 21 families, countless friends and relatives in Texas suffering at a magnitude that I hope I never ever have to experience. Ever. I hate what happened to me and it continues to be a mystery of emotions, but…

    • These cases got under my skin so much when I was editing an environmental health publication that I did extra work as an unpaid donkey researcher for a journalistic investigation into potential causes of school shootings and other modern random mass assaults. I worked on this for five years, traveled to psychiatric conferences, interviewed experts, etc. The general conclusion was that random western nonideological (as opposed to organized terroristic) mass assaults may have something to do with modern polypharmacy. This is coming from psychopharmacologists, psychiatrists and other experts from major institutions with no ties to Scientology so it’s not a woo-centric view, just science. Other theories are violent video games, etc. But the difficulty is that exposure to horrific violence in childhood is hardly new while these types of nonideological, nonmilitant attacks are a relatively modern phenomenon. There are no real precedents except perhaps the random Malayan machete massacres during the first opium war that Rudyard Kipling wrote about. But the latter circles back to the substance theory and likely related to the region being flooded with opium adulterated with all kinds of poisons including cadmium, lead and strychnine.

      I noticed that Lundy Bancroft’s book “Why Does He Do That?” that’s often discussed on this site includes a recommendation to read the book Mad in America (or possibly Anatomy of an Epidemic) by Pulitzer winning journalist Robert Whitaker whose research supported the med-madness theory (something to do with mitotoxic properties of certain drugs causing “suspension of REM sleep paralysis” coupled with “akathisia” in a small minority of patients… complicated). I think the book recommendation was in support of Bancroft’s advice to avoid medicating children who may have been traumatized by witnessing the victimization of a parent. This is pretty standard advice since PTSD reportedly doesn’t tend to respond well to extended medication. I don’t know about acute use of medication but PTSD can have an end point and isn’t categorized in the same way as mental illness. But I think Bancroft intended a broader warning since Whitaker’s books and website include references to “medication induced violence,” including school shootings.

      What’s relevant here is that warning could be extended to the typical RIC view that cheating can be a result of sadz/depression in cheaters and that meds are an instant fixit. Like everyone else here, I know people whose lives have been improved by short term use of medications. But there’s no evidence that personality disorders improve from medication and quite a bit of evidence that chronic use of meds, if they can drive a small percentage of people with no histories of mental illness/violence to commit heinous acts, may potentially make abusers more abusive. Also, according to domestic violence researchers, abusers tend to deliberately use drugs/drinking as both disinhibitors to enable abuse and as alibis for their abuse.

      I don’t know what’s causing this but I think the public has a responsibility to victims and their bereaved families to leave no stone unturned. . My response to things that keep me up at night tends to be skein-untangling.

  • During the lamentable RIC stage when FW did “full disclosure,” FW admitted that he cooked for the AP at her basement apartment using one of the recipes I’d learned while living in France for a year as a student.

    The AP couldn’t boil water and he was apparently sick of takeout. She had a yearning case of francophilia but had never traveled there and he was trying to keep up his worldly act (he’d spent two hours in the Paris airport once!) to impress her.

    He forgot that he’d called me at that time to actually tell him the recipe and I’d innocently recited it. I was traveling with the kids st that moment and was happy to hear he was eating at home for once because he’d been packing on the pounds and looked like hell. The fact that I so dutifully helped him get an extra blowjob that night could have been a scorching humiliation for me. But here’s the thing: it takes four to six hours to blend the spices and tenderize the meat for this classic dish if you don’t have a pressure cooker and I know from the secret credit card bill that he shopped for ingredients that night and hardly had time. That meat was likely tough as hell and they were picking dried thyme out of their teeth for days. Furthermoŕe that dish causes major gas– why I rarely cook it for the kids anymore. No one can deal with the green clouds that hover in their rooms after eating it. It’s unavoidable. So it makes me laugh imagining him and Schmoops trotting to the bathroom all night and running the water to cover the sound of their explosive farts. If anyone blew anyone, they’d have been gagging because, oops, provincial New England’s not France and there are no bidets.

      • LOL, you must have seen the infamous effects first hand!

        Thus solves the riddle of why the French have bidets.

        Cassoulet would have been even worse but boeuf bourguignon is bad enough. I swear the recipe I got from a socialist family in Paris must have been booby trapped by the French Resistance since, if it’s made by the ignorant with two buck chuck and advice is ignored to avoid eating these kinds of dishes in tandem with sugary cocktails and desserts, the gaseous effect is more explosive. 😉

    • I laughed and laughed and laughed at this. Thanks for sharing.

      • If that made you laugh, just imagine how the smell must have been trapped in that basement dump in the dead of winter. Bon appetit motherf*ckers.

    • Ugh. This reminds me that, while still married, x asked me to teach him how to cook a dish of mine that he liked.

      D-Day arrived shortly thereafter. I discovered that he wanted to learn the dish to impress the AP. Yet another way I feel I was used. Dammit.

  • There were several really out there expectations after the divorce, but I think the best was:

    “I thought we’d still all go on family ski vacations together, you, me, the kids, [AP]”… ????

    As a side note, I saw dicknut at our 8 year old sons open house last night – and he says to me “we made two amazing humans”. I could only think of two things: 1) oh gross don’t remind me! ???? and 2) they may have your dna but I made them amazing humans, deadbeat.

    • Hmmm, visions of “accidents” happening on mountain trails. So glad you didn’t go, either for your own safety or to avoid 25 years to life.

    • What is it with these delusional assholes thinking we are going on family vacations with them and their whores? The EX just told me he wants to take me and the kids on a cruise. I guess I was supposed to get all excited? I just told him that if I wanted to hang out with him, I’d still be married to him. The kids all declined as well. Funny how they get pissy when he cheats on their mom and abandons them all. Who would have imagined?

    • Agree. My fw told our preacher he wanted to help whore with her kids because our son was so great. Preacher said you are losing at least half of what made your son so great.

      He was right. I was pretty much the child care provider. Though to be fair, he did support him, and he backed me up in my decisions for his education and experiences. Her kids were failing in school and all on drugs. (two teen and a ten year old, all a mess) They stayed that way, he didn’t help them a bit.

      It would have been about the only good thing to happen if he had helped them, but you can’t turn the tide of a lifetime of a horrible parent easily.

      • It’s laughable that your ex thought doubling the number of fuckwit parents in his mistress’s home would benefit her children in any way. He says “help”, all I hear is “anchor.” No wonder those kids didn’t improve.

  • In the first week or so after DDay, I thought I could play nice and maybe win him back or something. But even when my heart would go there, my head would be an asshole LOL

    So within a week after walking out on me and our (then) 9 year old son… FW showed up at the house to take son to summer camp. (Yes, basically a week after school let out for summer vacation, FW walked out on us for schmoopie). I was still letting FW in the house and he came and sprawled on a chair in the kitchen while I was making a smoothie and I asked if he wanted one (chumpy me). He said yes… all happy that I was still at his beck and call. But as I walked it over to him I couldn’t help myself and I poured it down his white button down, going-to-the-office shirt.

    I went through a weird trauma… my heart was still attached for about 4 months, but my head kept telling me “this is unfixable — fuck him.” So I never played along well ????

    I broke free of FW relatively quickly because he started getting so shitty and abusive to our son. When that happened, there was no love left for FW and the gloves were off.

  • After leaving the marital home, while involved with an AP, I was contacted by Cheater via text to ask:

    Can I have that great chicken recipe I love? I’m going to a covered-dish and want to bring something delicious.
    Can you take me truck shopping; I totaled mine.
    I want to buy the LR furniture set from you.
    If you’ll bake my favorite cookie recipe for me, I’ll pay you.
    Do you have a spare guest room? I’ll always want to come visit to see my family.
    Why all the hostility? Me leaving is no different than if one of our kids messed-up. You’d always let them know they’re welcome to return home. Why not me?

    My responses:
    No. No recipes or anything else. You left your wife and family. Go find recipes somewhere else.
    I’m not taking you shopping for anything. You’ll need to ask your new mate.
    The furniture was awarded to me in a divorce decree.It’s not for sale or trade.
    I’m not your mother. Cookie baking in our house is for those that live here.
    You are divorced and left your family. I do not provide lodging for adulterers, liars, nor thieves.
    You are not my child and you didn’t “mess-up”. You are an adult man, father and husband that destroyed his marriage.

    Once these crazy requests were met with no cooperation, further requests discontinued. Listen to the childlike thought process in these requests? Listen to the immature state of mind – like a teenager. Listen to the entitlement and expectation. Listen to how the Cheater continues to rely on the stable Chump to keep them grounded. It all reads like emotional regression to that of a teenager.

    • ” like a teenager.”

      This just nails it. My horror and discard happened before internet or CL. However, the one thing I remember thinking the last few months when he was screaming at me and gone so much is that he is acting like a hormone crazed teenager who is pissed at mom.

      I still find it tragic that my fw, the farther of my amazing son threw his life away. He could have easily divorced me without acting like a slut cheater and managed to maintain his integrity; he chose not to. Of course I wasn’t the only one he and whore were lying to; he was lying to his bosses while he sneaked around with whore (his direct report) for several years behind his boss’s backs.

      It confounded me in the beginning how he kept her so quiet for so long, but when I ran the financials and saw how much money he was spending on her, yeah it made sense.

      Whores be whores (they always get paid) and she was/is dumb as shit; but she knew if he got outed before he was ready the money would stop. She could have filed a lawsuit and been way better off; but again I am pretty sure she was to stupid to know that.

      So he with my help got his Captains bars then started the year of discard. I am sure they thought themselves on top of the world. He would force me to file, then after we were legally separated he would tell his boss he and whore have developed feelings, she would be transferred and he would take his ill gotten gains and… Didn’t happen that way. Someone filed an ethics complaint based on him screwing his direct report, and then petitioning for a raise for her and his house of cards tumbled down.

  • He expected me to send him off on his “solo” ski trip with a smile, hugs and kisses when (I discovered) he was going with someone else! He was annoyed I wasn’t sending him off happily!

    I used to text him in the morning to make sure he was okay/fed/got any sleep when he had to “work all night” due to production issues. When I realized there were no production issues and I was being lied to about his whereabouts, I (obviously) stopped texting about his well being. And he was offended I didn’t care how he was!

    He wanted to continue to betray me and expected me to continue to cater to all his needs. He wanted to continue living together and expected to continue living a double life. He was wrong.

  • Washed his ass, held his limp duck to help him pee, lifted him out of bed after his hip surgery. Didn’t want schmoopie to know he was less than the great man she thought he was. I hate myself for thinking he would see what a great wife I was, to this day, 4 years later.

    • As it turns out you’re a great wife and a decent human being. You gave him credit that he was more than a fuckwit. He proved you wrong. That’s not on you.

    • “Held his limp dick to help him pee…”

      Me too, as he was lying in recovery following a heart procedure. He’d had a heart attack and subsequent septuple bypass surgery two months prior. Nursed him through that too. Heart attack likely caused by the stress of leading his double life.

      D-day was a few months later.

  • Before our initial court appearance, I decided to leave the house (in Los Angeles) and stay in NYC for three weeks. Then, his lawyer asked for a delay, which I agreed to on the condition that I could fly back for a couple of days to pick up more clothes, so I could stay a few more months into the cold weather. As I was coming in from the airport, he texted me “I had a slight accident last night. I was out late, and got a snack when I got home and I must have forgotten to close the freezer door. Everything is melted. How long does fish keep after it thaws?” He kept going in this vein, telling me maybe I could cook pork chops for dinner (after I stepped off my 5-hour flight). I responded that I’d only really left time enough to pack up my stuff, and wasn’t planning to make dinner. So he offered that I could maybe just go through the freezer and throw out anything that couldn’t be salvaged.

    I politely declined.

  • After D-day:
    He said he wanted us to all be friends and spend holidays together – NOPE
    He asked me to find his car registration – I did
    He asked for the name of our lawyer, so he could change the will (cut me out, and put schmoopie and her daughter in it)- I did 🙁
    At that point, I was still trying to negotiate the settlement, so was afraid to not be nice.
    In our one marriage counseling session, he said he wanted to reconcile, as long as I knew schmoopie was still in the picture That’s why it was our one and only session – I walked out
    He texted me, asking for the Netflix log in information – I just replied with “haha”

  • I’ve had two big requests for post-op cake. First one was predivorce, during separation, when a few of his friends called to let me know he had surgery and needed me. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that I’m an RN. He sent a similar request a year later, post-divorce while we were still negotiating personal property; when I didn’t respond to friends’ calls, he had his NURSE call to tell me he needed me to visit to show support. I called the nurse, asked if he’d given consent to discuss his condition, and since he had, I asked her what his real status was. She told me he was fine, just wanted lots of attention. I told her he was an ex due to his abuse and I was no contact for good reasons. contact. Then he called himself and left a pathetic voice mail promising to help me if I would help him. I am sure he expected me to help enough that he would not need to pay for post-op rehab care in a nursing facility. No thanks. I stayed NC and he kept himself busy creating a presentation of property he falsely claimed was his.
    A year later (last month), he called asking for forgiveness. I had answered because he used a phone with no caller ID. I told him forgiveness is based on actions, not words, and making amends. He said he no longer controls his money, was in a “facility,” and kept repeating that he didn’t want me to bring grandson and fly to his rescue (which apparently is what he wanted).
    Worse, I learned that shortly before calling me, he called our grandson, who he abused physically, psychologically, emotionally and financially (stole all of his inheritance and personal savings) and told grandson that God came to ex, said ex was forgiven, and that grandson must forgive ex too. Grandson said he answered because it wasn’t ex’s number. Per court orders, ex is NOT allowed to contact grandson in any way.
    Oh, did I mention I’ve learned since then that he is now at a memory care facility, again in need of care, and has someone acting as “de facto guardian” to manage his money and decisions?
    This is the same man who, during marriage, decided that my recent disabling Traumatic Brain Injury was a great reason to go back to school a thousand miles away from me, and the week we got custody of grandson was the time to look for a job and apartment out of state from us.
    Hmm. He planned to dump me for a online AP he lied to (promises to help her through college, a business and a baby, despite wanting to retire and relax child-free), then discovered she was catfishing him in a romance scam. He broke my heart, then had heart attacks. He ran from my brain injury and now has cognitive problems. He stole money from me and grandson, and now can’t handle his own. He left us in our old, outdated house so he could move into an upscale new development, and now lives in a single bedroom in a nursing home. I only had to wait a year for the karma bus, and I got a great one, that keeps making return trips to run him over every year.

    • That’s a Karma freight train with 100 freight “kars.”

    • Goodfriend, you made my freaking day with your story. Bravo to you.

    • This story gives me life! This is #thehopiumweneed
      Thank you for sharing!

  • He expected me to emotionally support him and drive him to his therapy appointments because he was suicidal — over potentially losing the OW, not over losing his family. The really sad thing is that his therapist knew what he’d done and yet still expected me to care for and be responsible for him, telling me to watch over him, remove any sharp objects from the home, etc. I told her he has siblings. Call them. I was fired from the job. Abuse by FW and then further abuse by his therapist.

    • Good job! I am so proud of you for not taking on responsibilities that don’t belong to you!
      10000% you nailed it. He is not your job anymore. Lest we forget, he made sure of that. At least his therapist sounds to be around the caliber/value he truly deserved. Shit therapist for a shit fuckwit.

  • After abandoning me while pregnant (D-day 1: 7 weeks & D-day 2: 15 weeks), a two-year-old, two cats, and two dogs while in TWO graduate school programs, and a SAHM for affair #2 that year (2000 miles away, of course), she was coming to “visit our daughter” for two days (which really was to steal our second car, sell it, cash out our savings, and drop 35k in cash downpayment on a used 2017 lemon Tesla with a 45k loan) she texted before she was coming to say “I’d appreciate it a lot if you could take the dogs so this doesn’t have to be any harder on on all of us than it has to.” I served her with papers twenty days later and gave birth three weeks after that.

    • By “us” she meant her mother and adult sister. There were going to be three adults and one toddler from 10-7 two days and she asked ME (the solo pregnant parent) to “take the dogs” to make it easier for them…

    • I got left when I was pregnant. Ex had a similar kind of entitlement too. I hope you and your kids are doing well. It takes a special kind of low-life to do this.

  • My ex was insisting that he come with me to my 30tj high school reunion ????????????????.

    I didn’t go.

  • The sheer entitled-ness of these idiots is amazing!

    I kicked FW out in May. He paid no child support during separation and both children lived with me full time. Yet he called on April 10th the following year, needing the childrens’ social security numbers because he was going to claim them as dependents on his (separate) tax return and was OUTRAGED when I told him that I had already filed, claimed the children on my return, and received my tax refund.

    He also refused to file a change of address with the Post Office after I kicked him out, nor update his address information with anyone: gig employers, pension fund, union office, IRS, Social Security. Nada. So all his mail kept showing up at the house. He thought I should notify him any time something showed up at the house for him. I gave him a deadline by which time I told him I would mark any mail “Return to Sender. Addressee unknown.” Apparently he didn’t believe me. But when his annual Social Security statement arrived, I marked it “Deceased” and sent it back. Along with the union pension fund statement. I can only imagine the chaos that ensued when he had to clean that mess up, but by that point I’d blocked and gone complete no contact. I heard bits and pieces from youngest daughter and we still laugh about it!

  • I forgot a funny one! This was such a big ask for cake and FW wouldn’t take no for an answer.

    FW and I finalized all custody and divorce in 2016 when our son was 10. I’m Jewish, FW is not.

    I wanted to write into our agreement that we share costs of the Bar Mitzvah when son turned 13. FW agreed but set some max amount he was willing to pay — I think $10k. He thought it was for a party lol

    Over the next several years I brought our son to Hebrew school. Sometimes FW had our son on a weekend and wouldn’t bother to take him to Hebrew school. Meanwhile I got our son Hebrew lessons and my boyfriend helped him prepare for the Bar Mitzvah.

    I also asked my son what he’d like as a celebration and he wanted a big party with a DJ and all his friends. So I put that together and invited all my family and friends. I wrote up the invitations. It took close to a year to plan and I had saved for it. Just a couple of months out, FW realized he was paying for Hebrew school, Bar Mitzvah lessons and the luncheon after the ceremony. But there was no party including him and his flying monkey parents and family.

    He’s asked our son and when he found out I was having a separate party (during my own custodial time) FW asked to be part of the party — nope… FW joined in on one party together with our son (age10) and FW made such an ass of himself and didn’t pay a thing — so no way was I going to do all the work and let him skate in.

    I reminded FW that the agreement only stated the “Bar Mitzvah.” And everyone was invited to that — it’s the actual event. It’s what his son has worked for. The party isn’t required in any way and not everyone does one. I also reminded FW that he had custody the day after and his family could have a second party with him.

    Boy did he pitch a fit! He wanted me to do all the work… all the party planning. All the coordinating. All the invites. FW complained to his attorney — but it wasn’t in the agreement that way and there was nothing they could do. He complained to the Rabbi and gaslighted him that I wasn’t including him in the actual Bar Mitzvah — I simply showed the Rabbi all the emails I’d sent to FW making sure he invited his family to the actual Bar Mitzvah. The rabbi shook his head at how idiotic FW is.

    Then FW said “at least invite the cousins!!” Nope. Have a party for your family yourself, asshat. I’m no longer your party planner.

    FW was so angry, he ended up only inviting his parents and one brother. And he made no plans the next day for his son.

    Just in case he tried to show up at the venue, I had several men (friends family and the venue!) prepared to escort him out. But he didn’t show. And the party was AWESOME and I could relax and have fun with my son. He loved it!

  • Mine wanted to keep eating cake apparently. He didn’t want to split up because I was “his rock”. I now know “rock” really means “wife appliance”.

  • She expects me to teach her things that she is gonna need when she lives on her own, like things that i know in the relationship like what food the kids like, how to make it, how to change a tire, how to service various pieces of a car, which mechanic i’ve used etc. Pretty much everything that i’ve done for 15 years she expects me to teach her. Ask the guy in another country who you’re sending nudes instead…

    • Good for you, dude. Stay strong and stay focused on your exit plan. You’re doing great.

  • Yeah-my FW wanted me to buy him a new truck cuz his was getting old..ah no. Also texted me to send him final divorce decree..ah no. Go get it from the court since he didn’t bother to show up at court.

  • My ex, a week after we separated but were still living in house, while I was devastated and in shock, texted me while he was out with his AP asking me to save him some of my scalloped potatoes dish-his favourite. For a long time, I kept a screenshot on my phone of those words-
    “Please save me some some scalloped potatoes”,as a reminder of how truly evil he was-how he could split himself into two people, and how he literally had zero idea how messed up that was. One day, when my kids are in their forties or fifties I’ll show them that text. For now, I’ll just keep it to myself. It still makes me so angry, two years later.

    • the scalloped potato is the new term for selfish/entitled.

    • I know exactly that moment! I feel so seen reading this! The moment you realized they were SO FAR GONE they had zero idea how obscenely pretentious and wicked their request/expectations/assumptions/hearts
      truly are.

  • The judge approved my divorce last Friday.. my ex had failed to show up for court again… I expected another continuance and instead miraculously I was finally given court approval for my divorce.. This week my ex requested that I text him and remind him to check his email if I know that he is getting important emails. Apparently he didn’t read the email about attending court and was displeased that he did not get informed. I requested that he monitor his emails and his spam box independently……. Working towards my goal of as close to 100 percent no contact as a human can be with 2 children… not perfect, but trying…

    • Hopefully the day your last graduates HS, will be a resounding day of freedom from the fw.

      I only saw my three about four times after D day. A couple grandkid birthday parties, I hugged the kids; gave them their gifts and got the hell out of there. A couple other times were just random sightings, and I would do the nod and keep walking. The last time was my granddaughters college graduation; and he and whore sat behind us, and acted to other folks like the uncivilized assholes they both are. My husband looked at me and said “what is wrong with them?” I just said that is who they are. We just ignored them and hopefully others figured we didn’t know them.

    • I believe in you, Dobby!

      You are not responsible for anyone but you. Whenever I get cold feet and crave a hit of the hopium I remind myself REAL TRUE love is loving someone enough to let them make their own mistakes and grow in their own time.

      He’s allowed to be wrong.
      He’s allowed to fail.
      & as he’s ensured, you’re allowed to only take care of you and not give a fuck about his successes and failures.

  • He asked me for a divorce and wanted to keep all my credit cards and leave everything like it was while he spent three months sorting through everything we had, putting it in multiple uhauls and taking it to MO where he was moving in with her. Oh no, that’s right she was just a friend and helping him find an apartment.

    I removed him from my credit cards, second week in to the three months of h3ll while we cohabitated stopped buying him his soda and munchies….then if I took my son out to dinner and we had leftovers for the next night I didn’t cook. Priceless to see him sitting on the couch eating cereal. It took me several weeeks of reading CLs book and reading this blog to understood he fired me.

    He really thought nothing would change, he even said that is what we should do.

    It’s crazy how they are so self absorbed and think everyone is on earth to serve them.

    For those that are starting their journey know it gets better and you are not alone. Take it one step at a time, be good to yourself and identify your tribe.

  • A few years after the divorce was final, FW called me from jail to track down his lawyer because he couldn’t think of anyone else to call. The lawyer, who had represented him in the divorce, had the gall to ask if I would post FW’s bail so he wouldn’t have to pledge his real estate. The same building I signed away all claim on in exchange for him renouncing my pension, which was and is worth considerably more. My reply: “you know better than anyone else why I will not.”

    Turns out he was charged in error for another jerk, but since this guy had enough sketchy things going on, even his friends found it plausible that he might be a sex offender. To this day, he thinks I’m the only one who believed in him because I called his lawyer. I didn’t believe him. I made the call because I would do that anyway for anyone regardless of guilt because I was raised to believe that everyone, even the Nuremberg defendants, deserves representation and a fair trial. I’ve been doing pro bono work for years representing people in personnel disciplinary hearings whether they are innocent or guilty. He doesn’t understand how principles work. He thinks it comes down to personal loyalty, which he’s obviously incapable of feeling for anyone except himself.

  • The EX wanted me to still live with him after we were divorced and to keep our divorce a secret so that he wouldn’t get in trouble at church. I’m not even kidding. He said there was no reason to have separate homes, but we could stay together “to save money” and I could still do the housework and all, but he would be free to have sex with other women without me interfering. He was SHOCKED when I turned down that thrilling offer. His next idea was that he could have his own apartment and a key to my house and just come and go as he pleased–family dinners, etc. To make a long story short, I now live hundreds of miles away from him, and the kids refuse to speak to him. We are still a happy family –minus the fuckwit freeloader.

    • Carol the entitlement of these ass wipes is astounding.

      I can’t imagine why you wouldn’t want to clean up after the schmuck while he freed his willy all over town.

    • Yeah, my FW was infuriated when I changed the locks on the house. He moved out while I was across the country caring for my sick mother. I was completely blindsided. Since I was unable to return for another month, so I instructed my adult daughter to have the locks changed. (The house was in my name only.) He was livid! Called me to harangue me about changing the locks. I said, “Fine. I will give you the key to my house as soon as you give me the key to the house you are sharing with your massage parlor whore. You know, the place you leased using the money you stole from our retirement account? That makes it half mine.” That put an end to it.

    • “Minus the fuckwit freeloader.”

  • When he left to be with the OW, he asked me to help him pack and carry his stuff to the car.

    At some point, he mentioned that he needs the divorce to be final to start dating me again. Dude actually thought that he could just downgrade me from his wife to one of his many fuckbuddies, like I had no choice.

    • Wow, how magnanimous of him. I’m sure he was shocked when you declined his generous offer.

      I hope you’re doing well now.

  • The only thing I remember after he left was the “I hope we can be friends” comment.

    He did worm himself back in about three months after he left on the pretense of “trying again”. Foolishly I let him and it lasted a few days, he was so nasty to me I kicked him out.

    Had CL been around or any advice like CN (it was pre internet), I doubt I would have let him come back to try again, because I would have understood the “I don’t want an asshole who has to try to love me” concept.

    Though to be honest my son, my dad and my brother all tried to gently warn me to not let him come back. So maybe I needed that kick in the head to open my eyes.

    When I told my son we were going to try again he said “be careful mom, I love dad; but he is messed up”. My dad and brother both just said well be very careful, I am worried about you.

  • He expected me to sit in his car with the kids and drive 2 hours to his niece’s graduation party at his city of origin. 2 months after he moved out and 1 month after his coworker-ho moved in with him. Was very amazed by my blunt refusal. I did not want hus family laughibg at me or pitying me.

    I had lost 20 lb in a month from pure shock and looked awesome.

  • He asked me what we were having for dinner just after he told me he was leaving again, after the umpteenth false reconciliation. He came back 3 days later to take his motorcycle’s away in a van and was struggling to push them up the ramp so came into the house to ask me to help. He asked me to provide him with all the information for the divorce disclosure as I always did paperwork. He asked me if I could box his Mother’s china up safely for him.

    I didn’t do any of it. His response? “See this is who you are, you’re spiteful and difficult, and making this more difficult than it needs to be”. !!! WTF

    • Girl, good on you for not lifting a finger!

      Isn’t it weird how it is never their shitty behavior- but our normal & healthy reactions to it- that is the problem…

  • After abandoning me and leaving a note on the hall table he wanted advice on buying a mattress for the new bed he was going to share with his ex fiancée of 40+ years ago!

  • 9 months after he moved out and filed for divorce (and after two affairs during our marriage that I knew of, probably more), he wanted to be invited to Thanksgiving with our adult kids and my MOM at my mom’s house. My mom who now hated him for being a cheater who dumped me! I suspect he just missed my delicious Thanksgiving cooking (which he always left me to do alone so he could go surf Thanksgiving morning). Ummm, NO! We had an agreement to alternate holidays with the kids, but he pretty quickly abandoned Thanksgivings ( guess his 19 years younger new wife – not an affair partner, thank god – must not know how to cook a Turkey. )

  • My fw stbxw said after two years of living with her schmoopie that she would be willing to go to “couples counseling.” I’ve learned how to mitigate the most difficult aspects of her personality mostly by coddling her and treating her like a child. I was still struck speechless by that one. I was just screaming inside my head lol like; “we are NOT a “couple” why in God’s name would I want to go to couples therapy with you? You might as well try and resuscitate a jar of ashes.”

  • These people just boggle the mind, the sheer entitlement it takes to think they can continue enjoying the benefits of the relationship after they blew it up. I have the joy of working with my ex who’s upset that I won’t respond to anything but work-related questions, or come over and watch movies with him like old times(which he only wants me to do so he can sucker me back in or talk me into sleeping with him). It’s so unfair, cruel, shocking, etc for me to ‘abandon’ him after we were so close! Can’t understand why I don’t care to chat and banter with someone who ripped my heart out. I don’t know what makes him think we’re close either, he spent years pushing me away and destroying my mental health so he could run around behind my back, when on earth were we EVER close?! I don’t owe him a friendship just to make the breakup easier for him, he can suffer my absence and be alone with his guilt.

  • I live, or did, in a country homestead. The children are with me, not her. She texts me the grass is getting long, I tell her to have her boyfriend to cut it. The dimwit couldn’t even figure how to start the tractor, let alone cut the grass with it. The water pressure dropped, she wanted me to fix it, I told her to get her boyfriend to do it. It has been weeks, still not fixed. Dimwit changed the tires/rims to summers, and didn’t torque the lugnuts correctly, two were practically one turn from completely coming off, 50% of all the lugnuts were under torqued. The dynamic duo of dimwit.

  • After separation, I was doing the “pick me” dance. He asked me out to dinner so we could “talk”. Of course, I am so high on hopeium I imagine all sorts of outcomes. Every single one begins with his outpouring of remorse and revelations of how much our shared life, children, and I mean to him.

    As my fellow CL’s know- I shouldn’t have been holding my breath for that. He takes me out to dinner. After dinner, he needs to swing by Kohls. Inside kohls, he finds a way to bring up going back to the office and needing work shirts. “You always know what looks best on me. Can you help me pick something out?”
    Surely it couldn’t be- right? I mean, he wouldn’t REALLY ask me to pick out clothes which favor him so he can go out with other women? Right???


    The hopium was wearing off fast. I asked.
    “Are these shirts for work- or for internet whores?”

    He looked at me as if I were awful to even suggest such a thing. Deflected and ultimately answered with, “I mean, they are shirts for me to wear. Everyone wears things to more than one place. I’m sure I’ll wear them lots of places. What the hell!? Do you only wear that shirt to kohls!?”

    I promptly went to the most hideous shirts I could find and started joyfully, calmly, and genuinely suggesting them. Needless to say he was not amused and ironically did not appreciate me wasting his time when he had wasted 10 years of my life.

  • Stbx started his own business 10+ years ago under the guidance of my dad who acted like a bank for him over the years, loaning money for different things which the ex would always pay back, fortunately. I worked from home, a really good job 40 hrs a wk, so I was able to handle all of the administrative stuff…fast forward to the last 2 years of our marriage. We hired a woman to help so we had more freedom to travel etc. Eventually they formed a relationship and started cheating. We are one year and a month separated, hoping to finalize the divorce next month (live in a wait-a-year state). He expected me to do his taxes this year…um no. And he emailed me a few weeks ago this gem:

    “I know this is a long shot but [our 20yo son] has messed my financial stuff on the computer can you com fix it please”

    I didn’t respond. He was blaming our son who helped him for a few months and had no idea how to do any of it. Have your girlfriend do it smartie…oh wait she doesn’t know what she’s doing either…good luck with that.

  • Yes, when picking up my dog from visitation demands “why can’t I just clean up (his mess in his apartment) a little”. That day he crashed his car. Was it the angels, my concentration of hate thought waves, who’s to know. I’m just thankful. Lol

  • I was blindsided so I continued to do all the things, after he announced he filed for divorce and moved out that day. He would come over for dinner and eat with the family (that he abandoned). THEN he’d take some of the leftovers in a container for his lunch the next day!!! After a couple weeks of this- my 21 yr old daughter asked me “why TF are you allowing this?” Out of the mouth of babes. Basically my ex ran the show for a long time. He would come and go from the house whenever he wanted. I give myself grace because I was honestly so shocked, and he was so prepared, that I was paralyzed with how and what to do. If I could have that time back- I would say “ok you’re moving out, then gtfo and don’t ever step foot in this house again. Give me your keys” Was I allowed to just come and go from his apartment? He wouldn’t even tell me where the apartment was. I look back and think- I can’t believe I just went along with that!

  • He expected we would still take our fun weekend trip to the casino, but just as buddies instead of a married couple, a week after D-day.