What Did They Still Expect After They Cheated?
Ah, cake eating. All the perks of commitment without the actual commitment.
Today’s Friday Challenge was inspired by a comment Luziana made on “She Keeps Acting Like We’re a ‘We‘.” The clueless FW who still assumes his hot dinner will be there waiting for him.
I stopped cooking for him. I made food for everyone else. He loved my cooking.
I made a crockpot of White Chicken Chili while I was repairing the floor in the master bath. He refused to help because ‘I am spiritually with Schmoopie now and moving out next week’
But he helped himself to Chili and Biscuits and blurted, ‘Darling, this is DELICIOUS’!
‘Enjoy that. Not your Darling and it’s the last thing you’ll ever have that I’ve cooked.’
Also:
Do you want anything from the store?
Calmly, ‘I don’t want anything from you as long as I live.’Comes to me for advice because his first wife is threatening to take full custody over his lack of morals.
Calmly, ‘You want me to help you avoid consequences of cheating on me? You fired me from being a wife. Ask Schmoopie.’Can you scan and email my apartment application?
NoCan your son help me move? No one but Schmoopie can and you won’t let her in your house.
Henry: Dude I am NOT helping you cheat on my Mom. Are you insane?
Felt good.
It’s so hard to lose a good spouse appliance.
So tell CN all the crazy things they still expected after they cheated. (You can avoid the obvious — that they would continue the relationship.) Mowing their lawn? Pet sitting? A really good pot of chili?
TGIF!
As I was moving out like truck in driveway friends moving me he asked me to pick up his dry cleaning!!! What!?!?!
I think I would have picked up his dry cleaning and set it on fire in the driveway.
That comment Just reassures you that you were doing the right thing
Yes and I stupidly hung around for 20 years.
That is awesome. Good for him to be that bold. Wow.
FW expected good will towards him – even though it was a ‘hit and run’ to OW DDay.
I admit I played the wife appliance for a very long time after he dumped me for OW. I was on the hopium, believing that he’d see what a good wife I was and come back (LOL, I would never do that now, but I was a very different person then). He would ask me to come over and cook, clean, mow the grass. He’d ask me to pick up his drycleaning, print things for him, help him with money. Of my own volition I often kept him stocked up on household supplies and got him new clothes or socks when he started looking ragged. I cut his hair. Ironed his shirts. Made his doctor appointments. Ugh. It’s embarrassing to think of now.
I got to the point where I decided I was done with all of that and started saying no to his requests. He got angry and then just had OW start doing those things for him.
Strangely he still expected me to emotionally support him. And he sometimes gave me gifts (and then turned around and demanded things of me because he had been so generous).
I wish I had used snappy comebacks like the post above, but I wasn’t in any place to do that then.
I even filled out his financial paperwork the court needed for our divorce. And I did his taxes the year after we divorced ????????♀️
I did our taxes every year, including the four years we were separated (we filed jointly for the larger refund and the ability to claim the dependent care credit while our son was in daycare). The last year, after we had actually filed for divorce, I again offered to do joint taxes. My ex took forever to get me his documents. When I finally ran the numbers through the tax prep software, I realized he had not had nearly enough taxes withheld (he claims every exemption he thinks he qualifies for, while I have always chosen “withhold at the higher single rate” and 0 exemptions, because I don’t want to owe), and he owed over $5,000, while I was due a $3,000 refund. NOPE. I told my attorney that I wasn’t going to file jointly, that I was claiming our child (who had lived with me most of the year), and that was that. She informed his attorney and as soon as she told me the email was sent, I hit “file” on the electronic filing.
I don’t think my ex ever paid his tax bill. And after he died last fall, I asked my attorneys if I had to file his taxes for him and they said no. I filed as head of household (because technically I’m a widow and now the sole parent) and got a nice big refund and I’m done with ever worrying about his taxes again.
Oh I did all of the divorce paperwork too. And he asked me to help him with his taxes the year after we divorced.
I too did this. He never did paperwork, taxes, appointments. I just filed and gave him his half.
At end of divorce, he asked for my tax “workpapers” as the person he hired could not figure out my return (I am a CPA). I told him sure, for $3000 I’ll give them to him as I am no longer HIS tax preparer! And when I finally received a copy of his return, of course it was fraudulent, and quickly reported him to the IRS.
NMF, so glad you reported him to IRS! I had to do that as I realized fuckwit was claiming our daughter As dependent and she was living with me 100 percent. He got angry at me and threatened to turn ME into IRS. I told him go ahead and falsely accuse that, and I would then file charges of harassment. He shut up. Total fuckwit.
I could have written this post word for word. I did all of this even after the divorce was final
Please don’t be embarrassed! This is our safe place to laugh at and support each other.
So many of us did the same things because we loved with a full heart. Our hearts took a while to catch up because we aren’t them.
To write a job application for him. Unfortunately I did and he got the interview and the job….then turned it down because it would interfere with his time with Schmoopie.
DDay announcement (brothels and gay saunas for last half of 22 yr marriage) came via phone call late on a Friday night, at the end of first day of his multi-day self-improvement “Become Your Authentic Self” course, (up in the city 1.5 hrs away). He finally got home on Monday afternoon. I took myself to the movies rather than cope with sitting down to dinner with him and the kids (who had no idea). When I came home later that night, he was in our bed!! WHAT?!?! (I slept on the spare, obvs).
Besides the initial “can you help me buy a new rug for my place”? BTW, my answer was “why don’t you take her? It’s her place”!
And even though the most recent request was to the oldest adult son (there is definitely a child-appliance thing) to “reconcile” with the ex-friend/still law partner/AP, it’s still cake. And not ask his younger adult son? How to drive a stupid wedge between siblings.
I cannot wrap my head around that being his dying wish!!! I should be so lucky that he’s dying. It’s an Oscar worthy performance. ????????
I had grad school orientation earlier this week. FW is in the program too. He got there before me and sat where he could see the door. He gave a big wave when I walked in and motioned for me to come sit at his table. I gave a polite quick hand flash of a wave and went to sit with someone I else knew. It ended up being a delightful evening, minus him trying to associate himself with me several times. Circle sharing icebreaker– I shared about being part of a students’ major achievement and how cool it was too see then succeed. He jumps right in after me and says “Well, since SHE didn’t share about our son, I WILL.” I tried to be unaffected, but I definitely let out an eye roll. It really felt like he was trying to make like we were a couple. No, dude, you lost that a long time ago.
I’m so happy to get updates from you…keep up the gray rock!!
You did great. If he does it again, wait till he’s done talking and say, “We’re not a couple and I don’t want to talk about my personal life in class.”
You are handling this like a badass boss. He also just made it easier to report him to the school or even police if he keeps traipsing up to the line of harassment. Document everything. He doesn’t seem to playing with a full deck if he doesn’t understand that being “friendly” doesn’t legally disqualify him as a stalker so he may keep traipsing.
He just made himself look like a massive idiot and is too stupid to realize it yet. Trust me when I say most people who witnessed this were not impressed by his obvious manipulation.
I remember your story from the other week, BDU. I would be shocked if your ex makes it through the semester, let alone if he makes any strong connections with your classmates. I’ve worked with idiots like your ex before and people see through them pretty fast.
I went back to my counsellor for 6 sessions when it occurred to me my ex might bring his girlfriend to a 3 hour passing out parade. You can deal with this course no problems. Xxxx
Not to derail this topic, but I want to make a suggestion based on my experience as someone who still works at the same place as my now ex. (We are faculty in the same department at the same university. Marriage can end in divorce, but tenure is more enduring.)
During the divorce process, in front of colleagues or at public events we both had to attend, there were a few instances when he made in-passing comments about things we had done together (travel, plays attended, etc) all the while acting like we were buddies reminiscing or maybe still a couple.
The last time he did that? At a training session where we had to go around the room and say something about ourselves. I responded by taking the first possible opportunity to say in front of others in the session but calmly and directly to him while looking him in the eye, “I didn’t think it would be appropriate to share details about my personal history with you in this forum, but I will keep in mind that it’s an option.”
He blanched and never tried that “We are so close and have such great history together” stuff again.
Presumably he would not like me to share publicly in our workplace that he had an affair with a graduate student from another university, someone he met at a conference we attended together. Or any of the specifics of how rotten he was towards me during our marriage. Or how contentious he was during our divorce.
Your ex’s good-guy act depends on you playing along. You don’t have to, and maybe it is possible to politely and publicly remind him of that?
And now grey rock is easy for me because the ex doesn’t pull that “we’re still buddies” nonsense anymore.
What a nightmare situation. Thankfully my ex gave up tenure to move to his AP’s town. You’re a rockstar!
That is a great example of how to shut down an entitled prick of an ex w/grace. Good for you! What an asshole to try shit like that in front of your mutual colleagues.
Medusa, you are MIGHTY!
I greatly agree! How Mighty!!!
The good news about that is he’s making himself look like an asshole. I’m so glad you stayed in the program. People will pick up on his bullshit. He’s an ass.
You got this
What a jackhole. A desperate, idiotic jackhole.
Gold star on your gray rock. He tried to shame you? First day of class? You are mighty. Hope he flunks out soonest.
After 35 yrs together I was totally devastated to discover his affair. It did not stop me from taking matters in my own hands. He wanted to remain ‘friends’ and I said not as long as he was with the OW.
At our collaborative law meeting he offered $250 a month alimony and wanted me to keep him on my health insurance (he is self employed). I was sitting there stunned wondering how after a lifetime together raising kids he could treat me like that. Thank goodness my lawyer spoke up for me and said absolutely not, that is not legal.
After divorce was finalized, my lawyer called to say that ex called him, complaining that I wasn’t “helping” him sign up for COBRA (my ex was self-employed and during the divorce process I had to keep him on my insurance, but when it was finalized I could drop him. Which I did.). I actually wasn’t even asked by my ex to help him, this came out of thin air. I told my lawyer that he had worked at the same hospital I was working at, and he damn well knew where the HR office was, and he could take the time and go there himself and sign up.
Yay you!
My ex, a lawyer mind you, was shocked that he could not stay on my health insurance after the divorce was finalized.
I was on my wife’s fully paid health insurance at the school district she worked for. When we divorced I activated the insurance from my employer. I got a letter from her insurer stating I now had double coverage. She had never informed her employer about divorce. When she did, after four months, they wanted me to pay at Cobra rates. I went to their office and told them this is your problem with her, she is the responsible party. I heard later they deducted it all from her wages. She was not a popular person as she had caused huge HR problems by having sex with three other employees.
So glad to be rid of her.
They booted FW off my health care. She can pay for coverage for 3 months and then has to get her own. Not eligible for COBRA. Looks like the minimally employed Dr’s wife will now have to go back to full time nursing after an 18 year hiatus of having to work 3 8hour shifts a month. When I was sick with cancer and asked if she could work more she told me she “could never go back full time.” I am too old and I will have to take call and have no seniority when it comes to vacations. I will be working every holiday”
I think I hear the squeaky brakes of the Karma bus pulling up. As Velvet Hammer suggested last week don’t do anything just sit back and watch
Unfortunately, after 22 years of marriage, I had to go back to nursing after an 18 year hiatus. I had to go back to nursing school for a refresher course, but was able to find a good job very quickly. I gave up my career so that my Doctor husband could advance his career, and never be home. Doesn’t seem fair, but I’m happy.
Sorry Beanie. FW gave up her loving, caring Dr Husband and cushy life to be with Minimally employed guys and band rejects
Just make a batch of ???? and watch Dr. Chump ! ????????????
X expected me to pay his credit card bill…he was 3 months behind. I told him to ask OW for the money and that maybe he shouldn’t have taken OW on a cruise while we were married!!!
My ex loved my baking so he always had fresh baked pastries to eat for breakfast. Lord knows what his whore cooks or bakes. Yesterday I made some scones and he picked my kids up in the evening. Later he texts me and says “thanks for the scones” sarcastically. Then this morning my daughter tells me “daddy wants scones so put some aside for him”. I told her I’m not his wife and I don’t bake for him.
This is just one example of many.
You did great by telling your daughter that you’re not his wife.
The audacity of that asshole. I’m sorry he’s dragging your kids into this.
This so outrageous because he pulled your daughter into it.
Yes, that he tried to get your daughter to be his little messenger was revolting. It’s obviously low-stakes as such, being about scones, but that’s a hard nope from me.
When you next have the misfortune to have to speak with him for any reason, explain that you will not be baking for him ever again, and specifically never to try that with your kids again.
Unfortunately this is one of the least ridiculous things he’s done that involves my kids. ????????♀️
A couple of days after audibly yelling at me that I was a WHORE, while I was on the phone with my dad, he still expected I’d decorate and cook and get on with our usual Halloween celebrations.
Reminds me -a couple of days after accusing me of being passive aggressive because I was being polite to him in comunications to do with our kids, he asked me if he could have ‘another chance’ because he ‘missed what we had’. Sheesh.
This recipe is really close to the one I made. I think I used a little less cilantro and hit it with some half and half near the end to make it creamer.
You are all my Darlings and I I would cook for you. Lebkuchens and all.
If you don’t know, ask somebody. Cold Slab O’Meat LOST OUT.
https://www.allrecipes.com/recipe/228650/easy-white-chicken-chili/
Thank You for posting Luz! I have my Dads cast iron Dutch oven and have bookmarked this recipe. You’ve solved my quandary for a pot luck + acoustic music jam next Saturday! Now all I have to do is pick the songs I’m gonna play.
Probably Ozark Mountain Daredevils BLACK SKY and Merle Haggard I THINK I’LL JUST SIT HERE AND DRINK. HUZZAH!!
If you can, look up New Mexico ground beef and green chili. Watch for iamnewmexico.com. It’s pretty good stuff. I put potatoes in it and a little 505 chili sauce in it.
Thanks! I bookmarked this because it sounds really good.
Precious Luziana! So good to ‘see’ you! {{{HUGS}}} You always inspire me
White chicken chili was one of cheaterpants favorites meals I made. I have not made any since I got off the ‘crazy train’ (9 yrs!), but I may be motivated to do so now, after this conversation and the link you shared
Love to all of ChumpNation as we continue to ForgeOn!
My ex loves it, too, and I stopped making it because it reminded me of him. Let’s switch out our old recipes for this new one & TAKE BACK white chicken chili!
????
Just written that down, definitely going to try it!
I’ve said it before, you deserve your own HGTV or FoodNetwork show. Cold Slabbo is an idiot of the highest idiot order.
I think I might just have to most insane one. After I told Schmoopie’s husband he was being cheated on (without even giving him the name of his wife’s AP), FW wanted me stay up and keep watch at night in case the guy figured out who it was and came over to beat him up.
I presume he was thinking I’d throw myself at the guy and take a punch for him, too. He’s that delusional.
There are more examples, but that one is a standout.
He didn’t even consider you might pin him down to assist?
He’s too stupid. So I mentioned that possibility to him. It shut him right up. ????
Spat coffee on screen when I read your comment!!
He wanted me to stay with him for a couple days after surgery and take care of him. I told him no. He kept asking.
OMG. What is it with FWs and surgery? Mine scheduled an elective procedure when our son was scheduled to be with him. Son had a mandatory band meeting that parents had to attend, so FW texts me, “son had a mandatory band meeting tonight and I’ll be home icing my balls.” I was like WTH is he talking about, but instead I just said, “Is this your way of asking me to be at this meeting?”. I went and picked up kiddo’s band instrument. The next day, I get a call to pick up kiddo, and I tell the school they’ll need to contact his dad because it’s dad’s week with kiddo. 30 mins later school calls me again because they cannot reach his dad. I leave work to pick up kiddo, and drop him off at his dad’s. With his brand new saxophone. I hope he practiced his new instrument a lot while FW was home recovering. (If it happened now, I would bring kiddo to my house and told FW if he wanted to exercise his parenting time he would need to come collect our child since he didn’t get him from school)
“Icing my balls” LOL! The possibility for snarky retorts is endless. ????
I haven’t gone no contact (though I know it’s better) and have been trying for amicable. It was DD2 and all I felt was relief we could now separate so didn’t feel bad about being friendly as knew I was getting freedom. But there were too many requests I found hard to avoid – can you pick up this on way to dropping off kid, can you stop at Ikea its on the way. I’ve ended up moving area. It’s a bit dramatic but my NO is still not very strong around him (or others to be honest) so the distance helps. I am driving kid to him weekly and family are outraged he never comes to collect but it helps me keep him and his many requests at bay.
Please, work at getting better at saying “No” with no explanation. You are continuing to let him use you and that is NOT a good lesson for your child to be learning. If he wants visitation, then he can come and pick him up from the porch or drive-way. No need for him to come into your house. “Amicable” is just another word for abuse for these people. He will use you for as long as you will let him.
Thursday is market day in my local town and there are signs up everywhere not to leave your car parked in the main square overnight or it will be towed. Schmoopie must have forgotten and her car was indeed towed, so FW told her not to worry as I would drive her (he’d lost his licence AGAIN) to pick it up. I just laughed in his face!
The audacity…..
If we could somehow bottle audacity for fuel, fuckwits would solve the global energy crisis.
That’s a winner for most clueless and audacious in my book, Attie.
My ex has, on several occasions, asked me if he could skip paying child maintenance for the month. Every single time, my reply is ‘No. You can’t’ and he does pay me, but it’s usually around the time he wants to buy another new car or latest gadget to make himself ‘happy’. He’ll never be happy.
Yes he always wants me to front stuff and pay me off slowly. Mostly it’s stuff for the kids so if I don’t pay they can’t do the activity.
I just thought of the main one and I don’t know how I forgot about this one as it had me really riled.
My ex walked out at the beginning of my 2nd pregnancy (a pregnancy he had wanted, but in hindsight, it was because he thought it would make him ‘happy’).
Anyway, he moved straight in with the OW and immediately introduced her to my son even though I had asked him not to as it would mess with his head.
So, fast forward 4 1/2 years and he is married to OW and she has a child on the way. She is booked in for a C-section and it coincides with ex having the kids as it’s the easter holidays.
He asks me if I would be able to have the kids on this day and book time off work to look after them, so he can be with OW for the birth! I said he would have to find someone else to watch his kids on his time as I would not be booking time off to make his and OW’s life easy. I made a comment a sarcastic comment about all the help he had given me during the birth of our daughter and he replied with ‘Well, you wouldn’t let me’. Always the victim. He didn’t reply to a text I sent him after our daughter was born to let him know she had arrived for 24 hours and when he did reply, it was ‘Congratulations’.
This is jaw-dropping weirdness ☹️
Congratulations on ‘your’ child? WTF is wrong with him? He’s completely selfish and out to lunch!
Grammatical errors: He didn’t reply for 24 hours and when he did, it was ‘Congratulations’.
Mine still asks me for copies of official documents that I, out of the goodness of my heart, gave him during the divorce. This is almost five years later 🙂 He even asked me for a copy of the Divorce Decree once when he was trying to bully me into paying some taxes that I was not responsible for.
Ex-FW just applied for “innocent spouse relief” on both state and federal taxes. This is after I had already agreed to pay remaining balance because he convinced me during our marriage that I was not good with money and if I gave my income to him he would “take care of it” and ensure our bills were paid. I left that marriage with >$250,000 debt and have paid off about half of it in the two years we have been divorced and have started saving for my retirement. None of which I could do while I was funding his “lifestyle” where he didn’t work and just played around with his stupid cards and watching porn all day. The audacity to file this paperwork and try to increase my debt load and get a refund on the amount we paid during our marriage is ridiculous!!!! He worked at the tax firm as an intern and prepared our taxes, so the idea he is innocent and had no idea is totally ludicrous. BUT, Aholes gonna Ahole.
XW has “borrowed” all three kids’ birth certificates, and never returned them. She also has all three kids’ passports, because she got our daughter to bring them to her. Daughter was concerned about taking them without my permission, but XW promised her she’d return them to me in a couple of weeks. Three years later I still don’t have them back.
IG, my boyfriends serial cheater ex did this – he made the mistake of lending these in good faith, she never gave them back, and then claimed they were “lost” in a car accident. Yes, because if that were true it’s not like a responsible parent wouldn’t have replaced these critical documents. They really do just live to make other people’s (and their own) lives more difficult.
Get new ones. Report the old ones as lost. And you can likely order new BCS through VitalChek. You don’t need her permission!
Involuntary Georgian,
She may try to steal your kids identities, if she hasn’t already. Is there any way one of your children can get them back without the fw knowing ?
Wow, it’s like they are all reading from the same playbook! I get requests for stuff like this, except it comes through our son. And FW has demanded that I make the IRS process his 2020 taxes, or barring that, that I pay him the $5k refund he believes is due to him. Unbelievable.
@schrodinger’s Chump @Anna123:
ITA that these FWs are all the same. Mine not only asked for copies of the divorce decree when he filed for bankruptcy, he expected ME to fill out the paperwork to stop child support when Jr. graduated from high school. Uh, no. I found the form number on the county website but there was no way in hell that his employer would give me the confidential information required to file the paperwork. (Think employer’s tax ID, FW’s salary, length of service, etc.) It’s been a full year since Jr. graduated and the direct deposit is still going into my account. I sent two emails to FW to inform him that I cannot file the paperwork and that any child support that is coming in now; a) repayment for the year or so he didn’t pay; and, b) contributions to Jr.’s college. I imagine he’s going to come back and ask for repayment, but I’m not repaying due to his procrastination.
Where do I start on this when Ex-Mrs LFTT has “gifted” me with so many examples of her egregious cake-eating BS both before and after our divorce?
A month after our divorce was finalised she had to go into hospital for a routine operation that led to some complications and her being bed-ridden for about a month. I started getting very aggressive emails from her demanding to know why I hadn’t offered to help her in any way, and that was my responsibility to help her as she was the mother of our children and all of her friends were useless blah blah blah. She seemed very quick to overlook the fact that she’d walked out on the kids and I to be with her AP and that she was not doing a single thing to support our children. She even offered a number of examples of things that I could do for her (cooking, cleaning, shopping etc), even though she had moved to a town a 90 minute drive away from where the kids and I lived. I shut that sh*t down pretty quickly and reminded her that she was now the AP’s problem and not mine; this did not go down well and I learned that (at least in her opinion) that I am a “vindictive piece of sh*t who had very quickly forgotten that we had been married for 26 years.”
I could also mention the time (after the divorce was finalised and I had received the Decree Absolute on a clean break) that she demanded to come over to the rented house where the kids and I lived so that she could go through the house contents and take her half of everything. The fact that she had signed over the entire contents of the house to me as part of the Divorce agreement clearly meant nothing to her; she went as far as threatening to sue me to gain access to the house and to get what she believed was rightfully still hers. Again, this got shut down pretty quickly, but she will still (7 years after she left and 5 years after the divorce was finalised) use this as an example of how I scr*wed her over in the divorce.
Sadly, there are so many other examples.
LFTT
Holy shit. What an asshole FW of an XW. LFTT, my heart goes out to you. My FW XW mainly acted stupid by assuming we’d still be friends. That, and also that she could come back into what had been our house whenever she wanted to do or take whatever she wanted. Yeah, NO. Probably because I did the pick-me dance for around 6 months for her (I mean, I loved her sincerely for over 25 years, so this must be a mistake, right????? God, how naive I was). She also believes in that alpha people shit, and that she and her former boss/AP/new partner for life (snort!) are alpha’s. No, you’re both just way farther towards the asshole end of the asshole-good person spectrum than I am. But I never got shit like this from her. Good for you for shutting her down. You’re so much better without her in your life. Cheers and best wishes to you and your kids!????
Can’t wait to hear about the new house and move! You are truly mighty!
“a vindictive piece of sh*t who had very quickly forgotten that we had been married for 26 years.”
????
A delusional, raging FW who projects massively. What a novelty.
LFTT, your boundaries are ironclad! No wonder you’ve built such a badass new life for yourself and your kids! Well done you!
WaW,
You are far too kind. While I’m proud of the boundaries that I have in place now – and more importantly, the boundaries that I have encouraged our children to put in place – it wasn’t always thus. Like many Chumps here, I spent far too long in my marriage having my boundaries trampled upon or being gaslighted into believing that the boundaries that I was trying to put in place were unreasonable; the now Ex-Mrs LFTT was incredibly good at making herself the victim when anyone said “No” to her. Slow-boiled frog that I was, it took D-Day and her reaction to the kids finding out that she was cheating and then telling me to provide me with the wake up call to how abusive her behaviour towards me (and the kids) was.
This is still something that I struggle to deal with. I still feel incredibly guilty that up until that point I had been failing to protect our 3 children and failing to protect myself, allowing her to ride roughshod over the 4 of us. I can only hope to make it up to our children (and myself) by doing better in the future.
LFTT
LFTT, I feel your pain. Before I took up with the Lying Cheating Loser, I was married for 18 years to my children’s father, who also turned out to be a cheater. Echoing your d-day experience, my daughter, at the tender age of 12, was the one who discovered her father’s affair, which effectively ended the marriage.
I should have left long before that, though. Ex bullied and belittled me at every turn. Our kids growing up never got to experience a loving, supportive, reciprocal marriage relationship. That’s a guilt and a grief I think I will carry for the rest of my life.
However: in the 12 years since I left their father, my now-grown kids have gotten to witness me gaining a life. I’ve made every effort to show up for them, make amends to them for the ways in which I failed them, and in general rebuild and repair our relationship.
All three say that they respect me more for leaving their dad and standing up for myself, at long last.
Your kids see you. It all works out.
LFTT, ‘The fact that she had signed over the entire contents of the house to me as part of the Divorce agreement’
Because of you sharing previously about the ‘house and contents’ being signed over to you, I made sure this happened in my divorce. Sure enough FW wanted to keep the ‘channels of communication’ open so he could come and go as he pleased if he remembered anything he hadn’t already taken. Errrrr NO! On the day of clear out I made it crystal clear to him that I would never ever speak to him again. Luckily my children are all grown adults now so they manage their own relationships with him (2 out of the 3 no longer speak to him).
The house and everything in it is all mine. Thanks for that wisdom ????????
Claire,
Bravo to you … and if my scribblings here have helped you, then my Friday just got a bit sparklier.
Best of luck for the future.
LFTT
OMG, what DIDN’T she want to continue?
She expected me to forward pics I took when our daughters went out with me for the day.
She expected me to drive her to the auto mechanic (700 feet from our house) to pick up her car.
She expected me to sit next to her at E the Elder’s gymnastics meets and M the Younger’s plays.
She expected to continue having use of the newer, nicer car (which was in my name) rather than the older, shittier car (which was in her name) because “this is the dynamic we’ve created.”
She expected me to pay all household expenses — not contributing a dime towards the mortgage, utiliities, or credit card payments — because “my paycheck is for me.”
Basically, she expected me to continue deferring to her wishes. Just like I’d done for the 15 years we’d been married.
Ha that made me remember. FW wrecked his car drunk right on the Swiss/French border and called me at 1 a.m. to come and pick him up. I went because otherwise he would be hassling the kids. Then he got the truck towed but had to pay heftily for it because he hadn’t bothered to pay his roadside assistance. He asked if I had any money and I said no (I did, but I wasn’t paying it). So the truck dropped his car off at Ford and I went to drive off when he screamed at me to wait as he needed a ride home. I reset the km to zero when I drove off – it was 800 metres to Schmoopie’s place and he couldn’t walk that far!
Female FWs are a special breed
Dr C,
Forgive me, but I don’t think that gender comes into it; a FW is just a FW. The issue here is that there is a huge gap between Ex-Mrs LFTT’s actions as a parent and how she wishes to be perceived as a parent.
I’ve seen male FWs behave just as reprehensibly.
LFTT
I’m w/you LFTT. A fuckwit is a fuckwit is a fuckwit. Gender may color them slightly differently, but in essentials, they are all alike. That is: narcissistic, self-entitled, black holes of selfishness. Sparkly turds? We don’t need no stinkin’ sparkly turds!
UXW,
7 years out from D-Day I still get the occasional request for photos. I’m attending a big event at our youngest’s school tomorrow that Ex-Mrs LFTT would have also been attending were it not for the fact that she “accidentally booked a holiday that clashes and she can’t get get a refund.” I mean, who books a holiday by accident for f*ck’s sake?
I got the photo request by email yesterday.
Our youngest pointed out that Ex-Mrs LFTT’s photo request will be to provide fodder for her Instagram/FaceBook campaign to support her “I am the Mother of the Year” narrative; something that our youngest hates with a passion. Youngest has suggested that every picture that I provide should include me in it and be framed in a manner that makes it impossible to crop me out so that they don’t end up on Ex-Mrs LFTT’s social media.
I know that CL says “if it feels good then don’t do it” …… but damn!
LFTT
LFTT, your “let me come over and take what I want” reference reminded me of the infamous ‘End Table Incident.” Even though she’d taken signed over the entire contents of the house to me, she came back a year later demanding a shitty old end table. When I countered that she perhaps contribute to the cost of getting rid of the shitty furniture she left behind that she DIDN’T want, she sent this: “I mean, your children know you are petty and uncooperative. Dean at the car shop even said to me, unprovoked, “your ex is kind of a jerk, isn’t he?” Storytelling people say to me, ‘UXworld is your ex? He’s an angry bitter person.’ You need help.”
If you’re ever in Boston, let me know. We’ll have a few beers and a ton of laughs.
Jesus!
I took great pains in not answering my phone at work because FW loved to call me. I was able to avoid his calls because I was lucky enough to have an assistant. I gave her a day off and wouldn’t you know that FW called.
FW: My Grampa died.
Me: Is that so?
FW: I need you to come to the funeral.
Me: Why doesn’t Schmoopie want to go with you?
FW: I didn’t ask her. A funeral isn’t something you take a date to, you take your wife.
I hung up the phone.
The absolute cheek of it!!!
I helped FW take care of his mom for years, and then he screamed at me that when she dies, Schmoopie is the one he wants by his side. Even though his mom got cheated on by his dad. I guess I will never have to have the conversation you just did. Never realized there’s a silver lining to everything.
Wait…what. WTF kind of request is that. Glad you hung up.
Wow.
These FWs really do come with a list of crap that they expect us to do:
FW: I can’t pay you the one lump sum support payment. Can I just write you a check for half and then give you the other half later?
Chump: No!
FW: Don’t you trust me?
Chump: No.
Talked to my attorney and we are getting it garnished. Why would he think anyone would trust a lying cheater?
Upon feeling sick earlier in the process:
FW: I am sick, can you get my medication for me and drop it off?
Chump: No, have one of your “friends” pick it up for you.
FW: But she doesn’t live close by……
Chump: Make new friends.
“FW: Don’t you trust me?
Chump: No.”
Such a head-scratcher.
x admitted he lied to me every day for three years and then acted SHOCKED and OFFENDED when I called him a liar. He said, “If you call me a liar to my face, then you’ll be lying.” Also, “If you don’t trust me, the divorce won’t go well.” ????
The man always had an uncanny ability to make himself the victim in every situation. So in this brief exchange we have:
*TFC complaining: “Poor me! Spinach just called me a name!”
*And threatening: “Toe the line (trust me) OR ELSE.”
RE: https://www.chumplady.com/2019/03/beware-the-timid-forest-creatures/
These cheaters not only feel entitled to cheat but also entitled to maintain their standing in their families and communities. As a group, they are shockingly clueless and stupid. x has always lacked self-awareness. One of my jobs (self-designated so that was my own crazy) was to catch him before he said something stupid or do a quick social clean-up when he did. I tap danced like no other.
So glad to have tossed out those dancing shoes.
Honestly, I don’t think they’re stupid. Their cluelessness is another form of deceit to protect their egos and get what they want. Cheaters are just as dishonest in discussions as they are relationships – hence the feigned helplessness and the “I fail to understand your hostility” mindfuck. It’s not so much a lack of understanding but an arrogant refusal to accept reality. They’re entitled.
It’s been a decade and my ex still insists he never cheated. I only know this because other people in my extended network began forcing the issue once they found out and not only called him out on the cheating but told him, “Dude, sex obtained through deceit is rape. You lied to her so she couldn’t give informed consent.”
Word’s now spreading in that community (I’m not around there much anymore) and apparently ex is flipping out because people now think he’s a rapist. Which he is. He can’t believe there’s consequences for bad behavior.
There is definitely a cheater’s playbook. It would be nice if we could find the link and publish for everyone who is seeing red flags. It is just uncanny how they all say the same thing and then try to act like poor little sad sausages. I know I am being overly nice in taking the money garnished from his pay but at least I know I will get it consistently. Of course, Schmoopie is getting the ready cash until it runs out.
His big thing lately has been to say how mean and bitter I am by not trusting him. Seriously??? I just roll my eyes and move on to the next subject with anyone who says that to me. I would rather be a Bitter Betty than to be married to a lying cheater.
Dear Chumped,
There is a playbook! Here’s the link. Written about the male cheater but certainly applies to any gender of cheater.
The Script: The 100% Absolutely Predictable Things Men Do When They Cheat https://www.amazon.com/dp/1401302289/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_WP9VPCPTNVQ00QFRQT5Q
“These cheaters not only feel entitled to cheat but also entitled to maintain their standing in their families and communities.”
Part of the “no consequences” entitlement.
He expected me stay in his closet.
Mine expected the same. Once he confessed to encounters with men for the entire marriage of 34 years, he said “ nothing has to change”. “I can have my happy ending weekends once a month and you get a husband and a house”. “In this state half of this house is already mine “, I responded., He immediately hollared “ IT’S A MONEY GRAB”.
No words. It’s just unfathomable the denial.
The thing is, that tells you how he thought of it: “I get a wife (and her labor) and a house. And my life on the down low.” Completely disengaged from normal emotional life.
Mine asked for $5k to pay for movers.
Mine wanted money for movers too! And he asked me to pay for the divorce because I’m “the one who wanted it”. Yeah, I want it because you cheated on me with at least 50 women that I know of! Asshole.
They really all do work from the same playbook. My ex expected me to “give him notice” of when he was going to be taken off my health insurance…I replied that we were getting divorced, his “notice” was when the decree hit his inbox! After I had moved my daughter and I, including all the crap he had abandoned for me to deal with at our family home (including HIS TRASH), he wanted to start borrowing things.. stepstool, games, etc. Then he had to have a mild procedure, but wasn’t allowed to drive after… so he asked our kid to pick him up “with the car.” Not MY car, you FW! It’s not “the car” that we SHARE anymore, judge awarded it to me and I paid it off! And how dare you try to get a favor from me by going through our kid. Now I’m the selfish one because I continue to steadfastly refuse to collaborate on gifts for our daughter, or even to share with him what I plan to get her “so that we don’t end up buying the same thing.” Dude, I am among the best gift-givers on the planet, you rode my coattails on that for our kid, my family, and your family for 20 years, I’m done ” collaborating.”
Isn’t it amazing how fuckwits try to spin their parasitism as “collaboration”?
I was accused of being “needy” by a grown man who didn’t own a car and constantly tried to mooch rides.
Mine tried that the first Christmas after he left to move in with AP. I said no thanks but your own gifts. My daughter received a jar of olives( she hates olives) and a Starbucks gift card( bigger than the one she gave him so he then tried to trade cards with her). I called him olive man for a while after that.
A jar of olives? WITAF?
Mine actually whined the Christmas after Dday that I didn’t buy him any gifts. The Christmas before Dday he had oh so generously given me a re-gift from his whore.
Can’t make this shit up.
Smaller than not bigger..
My ex moved to be closer to his drinking buddies (and farther from AP’s ex) and was starting a new job. He fucked around and only gave himself a day to pack and move out (really half a day because he slept in and then had to pick up a truck) and so ended up leaving a bunch of stuff (and so much trash).
The kids and I had already had plans to leave on vacation the day he left (he only told me a week before and the kids the day before) and so we came back to the mess he had left. When I called him, he said to keep what we wanted, please pack up what I knew he would need (like his motorcycle leathers) and trash/donate the rest and he would get the rest of the boxes on another trip. I am much too nice and so didn’t trash everything, just tossed things randomly into boxes. $1000 motorcycle jacket into the box with fish tank supplies.
What really pissed me off though is he left a bunch of videogames and so I told son he could take what he wanted of them and we would eventually get rid of the rest. Son was delighted, but when FW came back to get his boxes, he wanted to take a bunch of the games that son had wanted to keep. I told FW that son was keeping those and he could get himself new copies.
I was probably nicer than I should have been, but he didn’t take any of the furniture or housewares or really anything that wasn’t *his*. Anything of his I find now goes straight to the trash or donation bin.
I left all my unwanted stuff for FW to clean up when I left him. He still hasn’t gotten it all out. I smile whenever I think about it.
I bought a new wardrobe and furniture to have no reminders of my old life, so there was a lot of stuff.
Oh, that reminded me that back in the time after my 2013 dday, my ex-h tossed photos of me in the trash as he was cleaning out his stuff. Later when he was moving out, he wanted to leave the trash for me to deal with. I made him move with his trash. And the things of his that I’d packed in trash bags? I’d used the cheapest ones and overfilled them. I hope they broke on him.
FWs and their leaving of the trash.. SO freaking entitled!
The entitlement is off the charts. That’s the basis for all of this. They want whatever, and we are supposed to fill in the blanks.
What I did? Here’s a few: I wrote his grad school application and all of his papers. Job application letters. Resumes. Paid his college loans. Cooked, cleaned, ironed, mowed, painted, shopped, saved, scrimped, invested, planned, wrote wills, child care, homeschool. He constantly and ironically would say to me “don’t tell me what to do-you’re not my f**cking mommy,” but yet I was. Guess what I told him when he called me to bail him from jail after a DUI arrest? That’s right.
He immediately recruited a new “mommy .” Of course.
Entitled pieces of shite.
FWF- were we married to the same man?
I have a similar story about supporting my ex’s career. Isn’t it wonderful that now we can expend all our effort on our own behalf?
After DDay… FW expected:
-sex at least 3x weekly
-for me to be nice to him
After I filed for divorce… FW expected:
-“only” the house, in exchange he agreed not to pursue alimony or my 401k (he didn’t have a dime saved for anything)
-for us to keep living together, even sharing the same bed
-for me to send him his most recent W2 (he requested this when he was AT HIS PLACE OF EMPLOYMENT)
-our weekly family calendar I came up with on Excel
The EX did this almost exactly–wanted to keep living together. He thought there was no reason to bother about separate homes, and it would save money. He also wanted me to keep the divorce a secret from the church so that he wouldn’t get in trouble for cheating.
I was expected to forward my granddaughters performances after he abandoned her too. Nope. I did forward Nancy’s arrest records to the other grandmother. She told him to look it up online. Guess who was shocked when he wasn’t invited to her graduation.
The day before I was going to serve him divorce papers, he had a heart attack. Ending up on hospice for the next year. During that year he tried to date two of the hospice people. Even groped the social worker. Then was furious when they gave him an all male team. He wanted me to tell them he wasn’t that type of guy. She either lied or it was just an accident. A month before his death, I’m totally grey rock, haven’t spoken more then one word answers for the year, provided food to microwave or fast food. But only cooked for myself, refusing any requests to make some for him. He asks for me to cuddle with him. I say no. He says why not. Respond, never! He then says, “ I can’t believe you don’t want to make me happy, I’m choosing you, you should be happy “. (Eye roll) I walked away. Lol, he told on me. Thought hospice workers would make me cuddle with him. Proof, they don’t change, even in death.
“During that year he tried to date two of the hospice people. Even groped the social worker. Then was furious when they gave him an all male team. He wanted me to tell them he wasn’t that type of guy. She either lied or it was just an accident.”
“Thought hospice workers would make me cuddle with him.”
Wow. That was one disordered whacko. No gratitude that you stuck by him when he deserved to be left to die all alone.
My daughter wouldn’t speak to him. He wanted me to change her mind. I shut that down fast. I am not fixing something you broke. That relationship is between the two of them and I’m staying out of it. He tried multiple times. Even through the lawyers. She was 18 at the time. Saw right through the lies, manipulation and blame shifting. I told him if I needed to choose between his wishes and hers, she would win every single f*cking time.
He never wanted to continue the relationship but he did want me to continue managing his calendar for work and personal activities because I’m so organized, expects me to set up an Amazon gift registry for our kids so he doesn’t have to think what they might want for birthdays and holidays, wants me to book reservations for him on the 2x a year he visits with the kids for their birthday dinners, and, after being fired twice since the divorce, expected me (a lawyer) to negotiate his severance packages and use connections to find him a new job.
That he persists in asking after 5 years of gray rock is perhaps the most remarkable part.
For context, my ex husband is not a touchy freely person at all, and does not really do physical affection. I, on the other hand am very physically affectionate, and express my love that way. During our last argument, FW told me he had no romantic feelings for me, and it was like a switch flipped. I told him since that’s the case, I would be dialing way back on the physical affection I offered him. The next day, I left for a conference. As I was headed out the door, he goes in for a hug, which was unusual since he rarely initiated hugs. When I dodged it, he sarcastically said, “what, no high five or anything?” What an idiot.
Some other highlights:
After we separated and were ready to file for divorce, FW, who was then pro se, asked me how to file his paperwork. He also expected that I would fill out all of the paperwork, including his portion. My lawyer drafted the separation agreement and parenting plan, and he expected that I would do a cash out refinance of my house and provide him with a lump sum of $20k. (He ended up owing me money from his 401k even taking into account the equity in my house).
He left for a job several states away, but didn’t tell me until 3 days before he left, via text. He expected that we would figure out his visitation on the fly and expected child support would remain the same (he got a massive raise and went from 50/50 to me having our child 100%).
He was verbally abusive and threatened me when I tried to ask for information and clarification on his plans. Then when he initially left, our son, then 11, told me his dad told him he would be feeding his dad’s cat. Meaning I had to drive our child to my ex’s apartment, who had just threatened me, to feed a cat. Not wanting a pet to die of starvation, I chumpily drove my son to feed his dad’s cat.
Six months after our divorce was finalized (five months after he married his child bride), he had the nerve to text me, just before Thanksgiving, to ask for my recipe for Chicken and Dressing. He was always excited for Thanksgiving because he LOVED my Cornbread Chicken and Dressing. Mind you, he had ghosted me for almost two years except to text me about the divorce. Anyway, like any old fashioned southern women, I don’t use a recipe for my chicken and dressing. I just know by instinct when it’s right. I don’t measure any thing. He knows that! Anyway, apparently his 25 year old smoochie had no clue how to make dressing (stuffing with chicken in it for you non-southerners). My response??? “StoveTop Stuffing instead of Potatoes or Google…good luck!”
Awww what a missed opportunity… you could have gotten a recipe online and sent it to him with some transcription “errors”. I’m always mixing up tsp and Tbs, Bell peppers and Tabasco peppers….
Him: can we still be friends?
Me: so you were supposed to be my best friend already aka my husband & how exactly did that turn out?
Him: I guess not then hey?
Me: hey, that’s a definite big NOT
Him: slinks off with his tail between his legs
Me: giving him the death stare hoping for him to evaporate into outer space
Him: did not evaporate so definitely not my friend
Mine didn’t try the lets be friends nonsense but I was ready with a reply: “you fall well below my minimum standard for friendship so no we cannot be friends”
My experience is a little different, as I had two orders of protection against Evil FW and he was not allowed to come within 500 feet of me or the house (gps tracked on ankle monitor). I had agreed that he could take all the furniture and belongings that he brought into the marriage. I – very nicely – marked all his furniture with post its and put all his dishes, books, tools, electronics (the few that weren’t taken by the police), etc and put them all in the dining room so the movers could pack and get them out quickly.
When the movers arrived, I showed them the stuff. They said that they weren’t contacted to pack anything, and expected already-packed boxes. I told them they needed to call Evil FW and sort it out because I was not about to spend my hours packing his shit and be blamed if it broke. They left with only the furniture and a different crew came back 10 days later to pack and get the rest of it.
The hardest invasions to resist were those related to my children. They were 9 and 12 when we divorced. They wanted both parents at their school events, and holidays became tricky. Sometimes I just locked down my emotions and white knuckled it through an occasion. I was glad that time took care of the separation from one family to our 3-person family with visits to dad’s house. I try not to think about those adolescent years because they were so hard.
The biggest cake he requested came years later when he told me he had something important to discuss and asked me to meet him after work. It turns out he wanted me to sign a credit application for him to get some cash for one of his projects, because I had good credit and he needed a co-signer. He could not believe I refused. I told him to ask his new wife (she had already lost a home in foreclosure, bad credit). He said he could not ask her to risk losing their home — it was all she had. I pointed out my home, and income from my job was all I had, too. Why was it my needs were not important? He got angry, and said I wanted to see him fail, and I would never forgive him for his past sins. I told him I had put the past in the past, he was in charge of his own business, and I was in charge of mine. Our relationship aside, it did not look like a good deal for me.
When I drove away, I felt a strange sensation, like flying instead of driving. I think it was freedom, and the ability to say no and feel no hurt or regret. Our sons were in college then, and I felt we had all survived the trauma their dad had caused and come out stronger on the other side. He never asked me for money again. I guess I was removed from his useful list. How sweet is that?
Wow. Just wow. The gall…
To quote an earlier comment: “Can’t make this stuff up!”
So sweet!
I liked your response “I told him I had put the past in the past, he was in charge of his own business, and I was in charge of mine.”
How many times did the X-FW tell me “that’s all in the past!” to dismiss my concerns about his business trips & spending.
Luckily since we separated & divorced, he hasn’t asked me for anything. I’m keeping that response in my arsenal.
Pretty f’in sweet.
I had the converse. Took 6 weeks for FW to move out, her apartment wouldn’t be ready for that long. In that time she would cook, clean and do laundry. She would say “how can you be mad at me I am still cooking and cleaning for you”. “You should be grateful”.
Of course that was because she had planted the story that she was leaving because of “emotional abuse”. I was blindsided and did some “pick me” prancing until a couple of good friends pointed out that she was cheating. Then I once I got the proof I went public and buried her sweet poly pure bread image in a LACGAL way.
Let’s see, mine thought we would live together until our lease was up. It was July, our lease was up in March. He expected small talk and me asking about his day when he got home from work. He screamed in our kitchen at our son that I still had access to HIS account (our joint account) so I needed to be buying his fucking groceries at one point. I transferred ALL of my inheritance out of our account shortly after that outburst. During the divorce negotiations he screamed at me, “and you need to teach me how to pay a bill!” I had begged him to get involved with our finances for years. He refused.
D-day was July 27, I couldn’t get him out of the apartment until September 30. My lawyer wanted me to have the motherfucker arrested since he didn’t have the decency to leave and he had talked about killing me. I had to pack all his shit because I wanted him out and he wasn’t doing it. Then after he moves out he texts me wanting to know where I put his sweaters. I was already NC by then so I ignored it and blocked him.
It was just unreal. The entire experience. I guess it’s because I forgave him before but before he didn’t talk about murdering me and tower over me and flail his fists at me when I was crying and scream, “You’re weaponizing your tears! That’s abuse, you’re abusing me!” A man over six feet tall, towering over me while I’m crouched down taking laundry out of the dryer with tears streaming down my eyes, his face contorted in rage, his fist raised, him jerking towards me threateningly… I’m 5’4″. I had to not cry in my own home while he insulted me until I could get him out because I was afraid he’d attack me for crying. It’s just mind blowing to me, a 20 year marriage, I never knew him at all. And he destroyed any type of good will completely in that two month period. But even then, he still expected me to be a good little appliance. I guess he never really knew me at all either.
Weaponizing your tears, you abuser! Wow, that’s so unreal!
My ex hated to see me cry too, so for years I would have to muffle or just leave the room if I was crying.
I was 61 when I found out at a regular gyn appt that I had an active HPV infection. I told him about it while we were in the car driving somewhere. I was very emotional about it and the only thing I remember hearing from him was “ you’re so ugly when you cry”.
I’m so sorry, that’s terrible. He’s garbage.
Oh wow KatiePig. Just wow. Everything you you say I go “I know!!! Right?!?”. I inherited and put all of it into the house (much as I would’ve loved an American holiday or new car, something I’ve never had), and thereby be lucky enough to only work part time and spend time with our children. (I worked 24 hours a week, in (2) 12 hr shifts. Mum babysat those 2 days but we could not afford to pay for day care). FW then decides his 4 year old Landcruiser is not good enough for him, he has to have the latest Landcruiser. Of course he expects me to work full time to pay for it and the kids to look after themselves, purely so he can tool around in this truck looking swanky.
What I don’t understand – ok you’re quite happy taking advantage of me but clearly this isn’t good for a 6 & 9 year old to be home alone, plus walking alone to and from school, not to mention (illegal) child endangerment. How can you not put your children first? How? Your children should come first before yourself, AP, me, or anything. Certainly not a car!
All he had to do was wait about 5 years and the kids would be old enough to be home alone and he could’ve easily coerced me back to being his workhorse. I was actually lucky he found a thoroughbred and traded me in! (Joke was on him though, she turned out to be a gold digger and, to his utmost surprise, he didn’t get half my inheritance).
Oh and yeah, first Christmas after DDay. FW doesn’t have family in our state so I (generously I think) offer he can come over Christmas morning for breakfast and open presents with the kids. Then me & the kids go to my family’s traditional Christmas lunch. He acts surprised he’s not automatically included then goes all sad sausage “I guess I’m not invited anymore” poor me. Ok (a) YOU decided not to be part of my family, (b) go to APs & (c) seriously? My sister hates you – she knows the horrible things you said (I’m overweight) – “I’m embarrassed to be seen with you”, “my friends are laughing at me (being with you)” & let’s not forget stopping *half way thro* coz “you’re so ugly I just can’t” plus many, many more, Mums helping me pay for a lawyer, my brother in law was major friends with FW since childhood & is upset you never talked to him… but yeah, sure, wth, I guess come along & be the centre of attention & have a great time at our family lunch why not.
I’m so sorry, chumpasaurus45, that’s so cruel what he did to you.
We had one car. He was getting tired of walking to work and suggested that we set up a schedule when he could have the car a couple of days a week. Never suggested a schedule when he would spend time with our son who was in high school.
Shared custody of the car!! ????
3 months after he asked me for a divorce (we still lived together) he expected me to join him and the kids at his family’s Christmas celebration. I declined. He was shocked and enraged.
For my oldest son’s 8th grade graduation (9 mts after Dday-still living together) the school allotted each family 3 tickets which I took. FW booked a gig on his son’s graduation so was busy, but his gig got rained out so he was suddenly free. He asked if I had a ticket for him. (I did have an extra because no one in my family wanted to go, so for my son’s sake I gave it to him- we sat at opposite ends of the auditorium)-last time I ever wifed for him.
When FW finally moved out of the house he had the gall to COMPLAIN to me about how little room there was at his father’s 4000 square foot million dollar home-his father is in his 80s and lives in the “house” (mansion) alone. (also his excuse for never letting the kids stay overnite- NO ROOM IN THESE 6 bedrooms)
My ex still expected me to attend his snotty daughter’s baby shower after I’d found out his ex gf has been on the side our entire relationship, and he’d treated me like shit because I refused to rug sweep it. His highness hated being uncomfortable.
And his daughter had always treated me like shit. But he was super image conscious and was invested in the phony happy family image.
Since he was super conflict avoidant he just avoided the subject, assumed I’d go, then the day before started talking about how he’d drop me off, go to the beach (while I was miserable at the baby shower), then pick me up (while he acted like the big family man) and we’d go to dinner. Had my entire day planned out for me.
Imagine his shock at finding out I’d already sent a gift and declined the invitation. He was pisses off but too conflict avoidant to actually say anything so he plastered that phony smile on his face and pretended. At that point I was planning to file so I didn’t give a shit if he was upset….really freed me up to enjoy the show!
He later admitted that he knew I didn’t want to go. But my feelings were always prioritized far below those of his ex wife and snotty daughter. Now he’s alone and free to kiss both of their asses.
He wanted…
1. For me to continue to communicate with him on a friendly basis as if nothing had happened. This included discussing who we were “seeing”.
2. For me to continue to fund 50% of the ongoing house renovations after he changed the locks without telling me.
3. For me to keep paying the mortgage on a house he locked me out of.
4. To be able to dictate when and how I placed money in the joint bank account.
The answer to each was, of course, no.
Ah, that reminds me! Mine wanted me to use my inheritance to pay off his car! He said “we” can afford to pay off the cars before we get divorced.
And I was like you mean you want me to use my money to pay off your car. No. That’s not in my best interest, that’s my money.
He was so shocked. He always thought I did things and sacrificed for the family because I was weak. He never understood it was out of love.
To figure out how his AP could get a virtual key to his new apartment so she wouldn’t have to use his phone.
To get me to help him get a new bed for him and the AP because the borrowed bed they were sleeping and fucking in (cue the violins) was held together by hockey sticks and tape. ????
To help him fill out the divorce paperwork.
He didn’t know why I wouldn’t try to fix these problems for him. Almost can’t blame him; I mean, for 35 years I did just that.
Sex.
The divorce was final April 2018 after a 38 year marriage.He left to live with his much younger and long time mistress.
I was starting an April to Sept hike of the Pacific Crest Trail at the time.
He offered to host my extended family ( it’s been a 10 year annual and much anticipated event, 4th of July week at our beach house) while I was on the hike.
I’m sure it was to do some high steppin image management with my family, as he saw no reason on the face of this earth why we just couldn’t all still be friends and vacation together. ( my baby brother, a doctor now, was 8 years old when ex and I began dating, he was more like a sibling to him than anything else and looked up to him so much)
All my family is no contact with the ex now, which greatly upsets the FW for some odd reason.
I often wonder if his plan was to bring Schmoopie along beach week to sleep with him in my bed with my three ( very shocked and devastated kids still) in the house and my 5 siblings with their intact families who are hugely loyal to me in attendance. MHow delusional can a person be? What an idiot!
I just laughed out loud at that suggestion. Gives you glimpses of how they can’t even see the destruction they’ve caused, they just think it’s because you don’t want to remain friends with them, the only reason for any post divorce issues that arise is because I just won’t play fair and I remain bitter and non-forgiving. ( yeah, it’s all my fault, you A-hole)
They see themselves as so innocent of any culpability, they just want to be happy, why wouldn’t I want that for him too?
Life is short, if I truly loved him, I would want him to be happy, right?
I’m so damn thankful I was able to wake up from that fog that consumed me.
So no beach week 2018, but it’s continued every year since, very happily and very successfully.
His tried to have a beach w/e with his own family, but none of my kids would even go, so he gave that up and bought another beach house in another state for Schmoopie and him.
I’m sure he can find a ton of superficial ‘friends’ to join him there, but I do believe even he, with his cracked and broken soul, can sense the difference in ppl that have deeply bonded with you.
He walked away from many ppl that loved him so dearly. Just blew up his life.
I hope for his sake, he never stops hunting women long enough to realize what he gave up. More than he could afford to lose, but maybe being as shallow as a worm’s puddle, he is protected from ever grasping that.
Good riddance to him and best of luck to his new bride. My Lord, she will def need it.
Wow! This resonates with me so much, esp this part: “…they can’t even see the destruction they’ve caused, they just think it’s because you don’t want to remain friends with them, the only reason for any post divorce issues that arise is because I just won’t play fair and I remain bitter and non-forgiving. ( yeah, it’s all my fault, you A-hole)”
Oh god. Exactly. While holding the pin to the grenade, x can’t seem to understand that he’s responsible for the carnage. He did the calculation and decided he was willing to sacrifice his marriage/mirage, but shockingly he never anticipated that there would be any collateral damage (i.e., loss of kids, grandkids, etc…).
The EQ is low in that one. #understatement
His engorged dick was blocking his view of any collateral damage on the treacherous horizon.
“His engorged dick was blocking his view of any collateral damage on the treacherous horizon.”
???? Three inches can blot out the horizon?
Mine was getting married to to the OW ….he came and asked me …could I alter the bridal party dresses …. i couldn’t believe my ears ….and when I refused….he couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t
WINNER of all losers (I think!: still reading)! x
End thread. Go home, everybody. Wow!
Absolutely mind blowing. Wow.
Two months after our divorce was final, FW called me to ask for $30,000. He said his massage parlor girl Schmoopie had left him and he needed the money to get into a condo and pay his tax bill. I of course refused. Come to find out later that he was actually married to massage girl Schmoopie at the time. Married her before the ink was dry on our divorce.
How I found out that he was married to her, is he accidentally sent a text intended for her to our daughter. The text was some sort of long prayer asking her for forgiveness and for God to bless their marriage. He was Jesus cheater, you see. ???? Seemed there was already trouble in Paradise. I know I should’ve maintained no contact, but I was livid and emailed him to give him a piece of my mind. “How dare you ask me for money you are married to that whore. Ask your wife to step up to happy endings to pay your tax bill! And how the hell can you possibly think that God will bless your marriage?”
Thank God our divorce was final at the end of December, or I would’ve been on the hook for that debt.
Off-topic, but I have seen some of you have profile pictures. How do you create one?
Pictures come through if you have a gravatar account or WordPress.
Thank you! I’ll try it.
He wanted me to…1. Give him half the cost to full the propane tank for the house up (~$450), even though I wasn’t living there at the time, 2. Add his new truck (that he bought after we separated) to my insurance policy, 3. Be a reference for him on his rental application when he finally moved out of the house (and he only moved across the street, so he wants me to supervise off the books visits with our kid because he only has 4 hours of professionally supervised visits with her per week), and 4. Not report him to the State for not paying me child support. I’m in therapy to work on my codependency, boundary setting and assertiveness and it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.
Kudos to you ! You did it!!!
He wanted to allow me to let him travel 3000 miles to see his slutmate coworker and bring her back so I could meet her. “You’d like her. She’s just like you.” I told him he was delusional and filed for divorce the following week.
I was 5 mo pregnant with twins on DDay. He’d been cake eating for months if not longer. I filed 45 days later. Have 100% custody of our older 2 kids. Based on a court ordered mediation. During first mediation he wanted me to pay for his car insurance and business insurance (after we agreed to financially separate), wanted me to pay alimony and child support now (divorce prob won’t be final til October). And why would I pay child support for someone not supporting our children? His lawyer wanted to make sure he had a steady stream of income so he could qualify for a loan to be able to refinance the house we just moved from that’s a rental that I worked my ass off to pay for. Oh he wanted to name one of the babies and then ‘Let me’ pick the middle name for the other. Our first two kids are named after his family. The saga continues. He demanded to be in the delivery room but on the other side of the room and wouldn’t talk to me. Um no. This man caused me and my unborn babies so much trauma. The gaslighting, the lies, the manipulation. He won’t buy diapers or formula or anything for the twins unless he sees them when he wants. It’s not in our court order or recommended custody and I still make arrangements for him to see the twins. They’re only a month old right now! I won’t let him in my house and have a court order confirming that. He tells people the days he’s not hanging out with our kids are his days off (he only sees them 2x a week). Oh, he wants empathy from me and doesn’t understand why I can’t fill in the blank demand. Empathy? If anyone deserves … Nm. Gross.
JUST FO!!!!
Hugs to you CNM4!!!!
Hang in there , New Mom! The babies are only 1 month old! I admire your strength to say no.
Expected me to borrow $50k from my retirement account to pay his legal bills because OW(en) (there were 2of them) had filed a complaint accusing him is sexual harassment and assault.