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What Did You Want to Send But Didn’t?

cheater manifestoYou know you wanted to send it.

The dating profiles to Schmoopie.

An improving article to the unicorn you were imagining.

My book… perhaps sent flying across the room, aimed at a head, like some literary nunchuck.

But then your better angels weighed in. Or you remembered the Mr. CL axiom: “If It Feels Good, Don’t Do It.”

But you wanted to.

So, today’s Friday Challenge is — What did you want to send, but didn’t send? And why.


Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at [email protected]. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • He had left his brand new leased corvette (which we couldn’t afford and he had picked out with Ow) in the garage of our marital home where I was living with our kids. I so badly wanted to take a bat to it Big Lebowski style…

    • Betteroff,
      I did have the opportunity to beat his car to a pulp with a hammer. Long story. If it makes you feel any better it wasn’t satisfying at all.

      The ex is SO vain. I really wanted to have one index finger cut off so he would be visually damaged for the rest of his life*.
      Just a total fantasy however warped it was.

      I did learn in the long run that living one’s best life with no contact is the only real revenge.

      *I’m sure CL wasn’t looking for anything so vicious in the responses but I had to be honest.

      • I was so close to carving my name in his leather seats, but didn’t. I did smash a big screen tv with a baseball bat though and it felt amazing. (Tv didn’t work right anyway). It’s good to vent without long term financial responsibilities.

    • I might have used the care to run to get some sushi–eaten in the car–made certain some fell under the seat. when he confronts you look perplexed and say, “I assumed you already knew about my eating sushi in the car habit so I thought I didn’t have to tell you….”

      • Bwhahahahahahaha “… so I thought I didn’t have to tell you…”

      • a.friend,

        Crustacean ???? shells work a treat. Shrimp, crab, lobster-take your pick. Left in a car, stuffed in curtain rods. Use your imagination in a fantasy world only.

      • I did that completely by accident after a fair weather friend’s 10th birthday one summer at a seafood restaurant. I’ve never been able to stand seafood so I just picked at the bacon wrapped around the scallops and staff packed the scallops in tin foil to take home. Somehow the tin foil swan slipped behind the back seat of fair weather friend’s parents’ car.

        The friendship soured before the scallops did. The friend joined some neughborhood bully clique and turned mean. Then the clique fell apart and fair weather showed up again wanting to play and complaining about the mysteriously reeking “crotch car.” I tried to act sorry when they found the swan.

    • Same. My friend told me I should let loose a raccoon in FW’s brand new sports car bought just before he left for OW. ????

      • What is the deal with cheater FW’s and their car purchases right before their exit?!? Mine bought a BMW, online, and had (chumpy me) pick it up from the dealer for him 3 weeks before his “I don’t want to be married anymore” speech. I drove it once and the check engine light came on, then the front bumper fell off in the driveway, lol. He left it in the driveway while gone on a ‘business trip’ and I loaded it up with all of his earthly possessions that would fit, with a gun on top of everything. There was only room left for a driver. I did NOT shoot the tires out or leave it in a bad part of the City with the keys in it, but I thought it over, at length…

          • Mine the top of the range 4WD/truck we couldn’t afford. It’s not that I regret not “doing” something so much as I regret not saying “So to afford your car I have to go from working 24 hrs per week to full time, our 6 & 8 yr olds get themselves to/from school & are alone on holidays (because as you say they’re old enough to look after themselves), all so you can tool around in the latest Landcruiser. What a wonderful life. For you.”

            (In context the Landcruiser he already had was only a few years old. I’d inherited & put all into house so I could be fortunate to only work part time when our babies came. The 24 hrs was done in 2 days as my Mum would not have been able to babysit more than that).

            Although now I think about this, yeah I should’ve torched that car with or without him in it.

            And yes. He truly thought a 6 & 8 yr could be alone for 9 hours a day, plus walk to/from school going through a road with traffic lights. The words “child endangerment/neglect” are apparently just some random syllables strung together that have no meaning.

            • For years Cheater ridiculed people who owned big trucks with oversized tires. He’d say they looked stupid, it was a waste of money…. “he’s not that kind of guy.” I’d heard that line before when I suspected he was cheating. .

              After Dday guess who pulls up in a huge truck with ridiculously oversized tires?
              I was surprised then, because of course he told me he wasn’t that kind of guy and I believed him.
              After what I’ve learned from joining Chump Nation, I wouldn’t expect anything different….
              I discovered Cheater had purchased expensive racing bikes and gear
              He began wearing penny loafers and hiking boots, white baseball caps and fluorescent cycle shorts/clothing. He made fun of all of theses things especially people wearing spandex cycle outfits.
              It wasn’t very long afterwards I found photos of him and AP dressed almost identical, wearing penny loafers, white baseball caps, hiking boots, and matching cycling ensembles..
              It was adorable, a middle aged couple so in love they dressed alike.

              Which by the way is another thing he ridiculed couples who dressed alike especially middle aged couples. I remember him telling me if he ever suggests that we dress alike for me to shoot him.

              More examples of how full of shit he is.

          • Ah, mine was a flyer too. I bought him lessons for his 50th birthday and he thought he was Maverick ????

        • Pretty sure this is a deliberate strategy to divert marital assets.

        • My ex bought a car for our 18yo in the days after separation using joint money without my permission (after accusing me for 20 years of wasting money on things like getting my car serviced whilst he squirreled his own money away) ~ someone who worked with my ex and AP asked why APs car was parked in my driveway ~ the car ex purchased for our son was the same make, model and colour as APs. Creepy much?!
          My oblivious brainwashed son was ever so grateful that his dad had bought him a car and what did mum (who couldnt afford to help buy a car because all the money had been taken) ever do to help. Grrr.

    • Carrie Underwood sings to a cheater “took a Louisville slugger to both headlights” and more.

  • I spent hours crafting an email that was to be sent to every staff member of our business (and maybe even a couple of clients) outing my ex and his howorker, once the divorce was finalised. Two years on, it just seemed irrelevant and the few that did know turned a blind eye anyway. I’m grateful I didn’t send it but boy do I wish one of them would call me up and ask me what really happened.

    • I spent hours mentally crafting the Christmas card letter I was going to send everyone if he had openly left for OW. (He ended up covertly leaving for OW, took a job far away and got an apartment and “worked” near her all the while denying all over the place that they were still involved). He came home after 18 months of that and I have no idea what really happened. It was all a Wreckonciliation from Hell.

      • Unicorn this year I sent Christmas cards to APs and their wives. Probably shouldn’t have but I was pissed she broke up the family. I was careful not to threaten

        • I did write some individualize it and put personal stuff that I knew about their relationships. I have been told I am an imposing man and I think I scared some of those little band weasels. Some of her APs sent them back to her.
          she posted it on face book with following:
          “I know that several people have been sent these
          in the mail, with the postmark TN. They were
          anything but “warm” or “holiday” wishes for
          most of you. If any of you have recei… “

          • Lol, she basically poured water on the kitchen grease fire by posting about the cards on social media. Not much of a cook, is she?

            • Haha well said. It took 22 years to finally see she is not that smart. I think her angle was look at what Big Bad Abusive Man is doing.

              • I understand the delayed assessment of FW’s stupidity. I’ve known unassuming, simple-seeming people who are capable of flashes of genius so I’m not very quick to call others stupid, not unless they’re also dishonest and cruel. Nasty dumbasses tend to be full-strength stupid.

                But some are surprisingly clever in how they manipulate others. It’s hardly the same as creative intelligence but it’s a dark gift all the same. I remember being in the zoo and looking into the sparlkly, glinting eyes of a chimp and realizing that thing couldn’t factor pi but would be inescapable in its native habitat if it decided to attack a human. Regular chimps are such spectacular predators that they destroy every habitat they occupy. It’s suicidal and not smart planning but they’re the best at it. They have a kind of advanced cognitive empathy without wasting too much bandwidth on mushy affective empathy. Consequently they know how you’ll try to escape before you know.

                I get a chill when I see that monkey glint in humans. It’s better not to underestimate them even if they’re dumber than a sack of prawns.

              • Yeah, I like call that cunning, which isn’t quite the same as intelligence. It’s mostly a predator’s instinct. Fuckwits put all their intellectual marbles into that basket and perhaps a few others and are subsequently morons at almost everything else. My fuckwit could do his job, play chess (though not terribly well) and be manipulative. Outside of those areas he’s stupid. I had thought he was smart because he was simply mirroring my thoughts and beliefs back to me, making me believe he understood. After Dday I realized he actually didn’t understand most of what I was talking about. He has almost no critical thinking ability and his EQ is in the low double digits.

    • If anyone did call, wouldn’t you think they were a spy gathering intel for FW or something?

  • I wanted so badly to send the OW all of the information I found about his other cheating. She had this smug “I won and I’m so special” thing going on. I really, really wanted to burst her bubble. In fact, while he was with her he was also going to hookers, S&M clubs, banging a headshot photographer that I was using for my personal rebranding stuff at work, and I found a whole list of others he was cruising the net for. On any given week he had searched up about five women in various sites so he had A LOT of action besides the OW he got caught with. I so desperately wanted to screen shot the dates of the net searches and emails, send her photographs of all the sex toys I found and let her in on the little secret that he was fucking half the town and she was NOT special. However, I knew that I’d be opening myself up to more hurt so I decided to keep it classy. I won’t lie-it took major restraint not to do it. And her karma is that she won a cheating shit bag.

    • It recently came to my attention that my ex is back on Tinder while still living with the affair partner and my kids part-time. It’s a funny place to be in because it is so tempting to share that info with her but than again, this is what she gets. It has made me feel more powerful when dealing with him and has just helped to confirm that he is a dick and always will be.

      • You are a bigger person than I. I’d for definitely-definitely 100% sure sent an anonymous email with the details – including clear proof – to her. I would feel fantastic about it too. I wouldn’t editorialize or sneer, just send a clear and truthful piece of info and then let the chips fall.

        • The main reason I didn’t tell her was because I didn’t want to hear from my husband that she is special and that he was out there looking but he found the “one” or something like that. It was actually self protection from the hurt. It’s been almost 3 years since DDay and it’s only just now that I don’t believe that she isn’t special. I was so cut up by him and her together (she was a client at our work) that I believed his narrative of their “luv”. It took time and distance and chump nation for me to realize how silly I was being and the real story which is he a massive cheater and he’s in it for the cheating-not the love. I’m so glad I didn’t send anything to her- I didn’t want to throw kibbles her way or look like the crazy jealous spouse!

        • Pretend to a be a friend who cares. Apologize profusely for cowardice for remaining anonymous while bearing bad news but “that guy kind of scares me. I’m not alone in thinking that. People are worried about you.”

          Where’s the lie?

      • They really are all the same— and cheaters cheat and liars lie. XH, who refused to stop seeing young golddigger during 18 week he’ll of wreconciliation until I said GTFO was a match with my BFF on some dating site. He used a very old picture and lied and said he was single – he had been living with AP for 4 years at that point. Then two other acquaintances called me and said that XH had been dating women they knew that he met on the dating site- lying to both about being single and monogamous- apparently each of these finally found out he was living with AP and then about why our 25 year marriage ended — they were furious- had to get STD panels, etc. I wanted to tell AP for a hot minute but I was too busy reading a good book. ????. Meh is wonderful.

        • “I wanted to tell AP for a hot minute but I was too busy reading a good book.”

          I love this line and I will be stealing it for my own use. LOL!

      • Traitor X was living with the grifting gold digging Craigslist cockroach unbeknownst to me and our daughter. She was using his phone to watch a video and she got a drop-down message from someone on Tinder named Amanda. I couldn’t have orchestrated better karma myself. He was also telling our daughter we were not divorcing but “working things out”
        which was NOT true.

        They lie to EVERYONE, and lies come out because bloodstains don’t.

        Just keep whistling while filing your nails; losers always set their own houses on fire. Then calmly stroll over to the pantry and get your marshmallows and make s’mores.

  • A bag of candy dicks with a note:
    ‘Instead of cherishing someone else’s husband, how about you cherish your own’

    Sent c/o the girl guide group she’s the group leader for.

    They can never say I wasn’t classy…

    • I think about the bag of dicks a lot! That company online even has one that has a music box in it that won’t stop playing for HOURS once you open it. Ha! I’ve never sent one, but believe-you-me I have thought about it!!!

      • Oh my gosh they have a “Cheaters Lifetime Member” t shirt!!

        • I want to send the womans version to the OW so bad!!! She’s been dm’ing FW all about her plans to get an “upgrade” boob job like she’s going to be the most sought after woman in the USA because she’s replacing her huge implants with ginormous implants so he better pay attention. Usually these threads start with “way too much information I know but my boobs … (Fill in the blank – this is just what flashes on the notification screen when she booty (booby??) texts after hes asleep at night and my DM tone PTSD wakes me up like a shot every time….)

          I so want to send it to her along with a bag of dicks buuuut she’s not worth one red cent to me, really, so I never will. I would rather have her looking over her shoulder, waiting wondering and worrying about every unrecognized box and letter for the rest of her days … It will never be from me. Like the facebook meme says – Hang on, Karma is just finishing her drink and sharpening her nails, she’ll be right with you….

          • I hope she gets the implants. Because I’m petty like that. I have the largest silicone implants you can legally get in the states. I was a D cup to begin with. I’m a full H now. I got them because my boobs weren’t good enough for Scabby Dick after we had our son. They are such a pain. I actually had a fantastic surgeon who talked me out of the tummy tuck my husband wanted me to get and talked me out of the full breast lift and into the easiest, most least invasive breast surgery. He tried to talk me down on size too, God bless him. For a plastic surgeon he did wonders for my self esteem and must have pissed my ex off so much by saying why would you do this?! There’s nothing wrong with you! I have referred him to so many people. He is the perfect human to be a plastic surgeon. He’s very gifted and does incredible work and he also cares about patients and has empathy to be like is surgery the answer here or should we be looking at something else. I sent a relative to him with the whole vastly different sized breasts issue and he recognized me six+ years after my surgery and asked how I was doing and wanted to make sure everything was still ok. Wonderful human. Dr. Hankins in Las Vegas if anybody ever needs any type of vanity or reconstructive plastic surgery. But, I digress.

            I had back pain and breast pain before surgery due to lots of loose skin on my breasts. They got huge during pregnancy and then deflated. That is gone now. My surgeon talked me out of the super fake and perky lift my ex wanted and said if you just fill out that loose skin it should solve your problems and you’ll have an easy recovery and the least possible complications. He cost himself over $10,000 with that recommendation. My boobs look and feel amazing now. But I really should have listened to him and gone smaller.

            All that being said, they are STILL a huge pain in the ass! It is so hard to buy clothing! I regret going this big so much. Every woman I’ve ever met who has gone this big regrets it terribly after a year or two. So I hope your OW does it. It would serve her right. LOL

            • KP It is good to hear you had such an ethical surgeon. As a spine surgeon I will occasionally have women come in with upper back and shoulder pain due to breast size. They are sent in by plastic surgeons for evaluation and possibly a note recommending reduction. If the pain is from breast size the insurance company will cover the procedure. It is a very real problem.

            • Thank you for the contact. I will refer my friend, who is considering a (gasp) labiaplasty because of her not-cheater-but-nevertheless-FW husband.

    • I did send a bag of dicks – to her husband! With a note that said, “Clearly you must be lacking in this department as your wife has been banging X, Y, and Z”. I waited a LONG time after she banged my FW, just to confuse her as to which of her FW’s exes was responsible. And it felt good, let me tell you. I was as angry at her spouse as I was angry with her because he knew, discovered repeatedly, that she cheated. He made her quit one job after another and also caused an ugly scene in our professional building, beating on the locked door of the doctor’s office where she had just spent her day off with her employer. His life is one on going wreckciliation.

      • That’s awful to send to the chump husband. A lot of people try reconciliation first. (Sadly… RIC… hopium.) He didn’t make his wife cheat.

        • Pretty sure this is a fetish for them, given she told her co-workers that she always works for doctors, always has an affair, her husband always finds out, and makes her quit. I thought it was a joke until I saw her in action and heard about the “door hammering” episode. Google it under “cuckqueen”, etc.

      • Oh my gosh, poor man! How can you be just as angry at him?!? He had no control over his wife. He was obviously heartbroken and trying to get his whore to stop, just like most of us did at first. And to imply he lacked so therefore his wife cheated–that is mean and disturbing.

        • I think, from the things I’ve heard and seen, that this is a fetish for them. Google it. And I was angry with him for providing her with the cover of “married respectability”.

          • Maybe she threatened to use his past drug problem against custody or his career? Maybe she threatened to have him deported? Maybe he had a mental illness and his meds made him easier to gaslight? Maybe he came from a family that went to their graves in bad marriages rather than divorce? Maybe he was a cheater himself and got hoisted on his own territorial petard as cheaters so often are? Speculation can go in all directions.

      • As a chumped husband myself I find this terribly offensive … luckily the wife of the OM in my case did not respond this way to me … we became allies and exchanged notes in the early days of our lives unravelling.

        • I am am applying for annulment and asked OM’s wife if she wanted to apply for one as well being our FW’s were screwing on church property and he worked there. I feel we have good leverage.

          • This is conjecture on my part, but no one who works on Catholic Church property makes much money. Im guessing that your income provided him a nice standard of living. I sure as Hell hope you didnt get stuck paying him spousal support. I hope he has to give up every perk your hard work and work accomplishments got him, the weasel.

            I actually looked into a posthumous annulment since my Cheater sat on the sanctity of our marriage from day 1, but it wasn’t a practical idea.

            • He was maitance guy and he did not make much money. He was fired for sexual harassment of another woman at church but guess who defended him…..FW. How could I not realize that FW was with him. He and FW broke up after he cheated on her(again this was way before I knew FW was cheating. Why would I think a Eucharistic minister and president of altar group would be a cheater)
              Anyway last night I sponsored a young man for confirmation and spoke with 2 MSGRs who assured me that I should have grounds for annulment. I have helped them out and this is not a good look for the parish.
              BTW my situation bought to light the altar group was embezzling funds and led to investigation and embarrassment to her and her flying monkeys

              • Sorry Dr Chump, I missed the datapoint that you are a guy-chump, so my pronouns were off but the jist of the story is unchanged. Im horrified fro you that she proved herself untrustworthy on a few fronts. My husband2.0 gets annoyed when I tell him he how much I love his trustworthiness…he says it makes him sound like a Labrador. I think most people would do well being more like a trusty dog.

                My Cheaters spiritual abuse was awful. He insisted that we marry Catholic and I eventually converted and became (as many converts) a super-charged Catholic. I taught my kids Confirmation classes and even studied hospital Chaplaincy in a Catholic hospital. I asked him how he could justify his actions and his faith. He said “Im going to burn in Hell” and “I gave you and the kids to the Church…you are all so good, Ive done my part, I can go with Susan and when we get to a new place, we will just go to church and take communion…no one will know any better”. “Susan was a gift from God” “Susan is Christlike” blah blah

                Cheater told me that he was so reluctant on our wedding day that his consent was invalid therefore our marriage was invalid. He told me this in wreckonciliation and I BEGGED him to have a vow renewal to solidify our marriage. He said “if we live to our 25 year anniversary, I will do it” (odd since we were young and healthy).I waited 5 years and just before that point, he had his friend tell me that he had no intention to fulfill his promise. He knew the only way I could ever have a Catholic marriage was to have it with someone else and the only way to get an annulment is to be divorced already. I think he very much intended to force me to divorce him (he tried every possible way to do that…he didnt want to be married but didnt want to be “the bad guy”).

                Im embarrassed to admit that one reason I didnt divorce him was that (based on the state I live in) a divorce could take 3 years and an annulment would be years on top of that…I was looking at 7 years of singleness and it seemed a bridge too far. (I was not willing to see how miserable wreckonsillyation would be). I went to daily Mass and prayed for his soul for 7 years. I begged God that he had I would go to our little church and have the Deacon walk is through real vows.

                I came to REALLY believe I the concept of mortal sin…when a person freely chooses to engage in something so bad that the Holy Spirit can not dwell in them, it opens them up to inclination to sample other evils.

                On a terrible day, I offered a deal to God (red flag) that short of the suffering or death of any of my children, I was willing to endure anything that would result in my husband loving me.

                7 is the number of completion and at year seven (after Susan), I could see him returning to a dark place. I believe that God took him in the last moment before he returned to mortal sin…a time when Purgatory was still an option. I never wanted him to go to Hell and Im certain he is not there. My job as his wife was to help get him to heaven and I believe I did. He is in either Purgatory or Heaven and I am nearly certain that once he was briefed on the whole real story, he likely developed love for me. And I really dont care.

                It was during my marriage prep 2.5 years after Cheater died that I learned that he had cheated many times before. (A moment that made my mouth go dry and the room spin). A lot of things made sense after learning that. After crying daily for about 10 years, I shed not a single tear that day.

                My beloved sent me a file of his annulment docs during out courtship and he had been single for 12 years. As painful as this whole thing was, I can now look back and see that God was with me every step.

                I hope that you get an annulment and I hope you find a love who treasures you and you get to live a joyous completion to this hard experience

              • Unicornnomore,
                I wish I was better with words to express how moving this was for me. Thank you for sharing your experience it bought me to tears. You are a caring, compassionate person and I am happy for your new life. May God continue to Blessyou and your family.
                Many silimlarities here in that since DDay 10 months ago I have been in daily mass and I have been praying for my cheater. Briefly it was for her to come back but as I started looking I realized that she was gone long before DDay. Affairs started 7 years ago. I now pray for God to watch over her and protect her. I want her to go to Heaven. I ask why God why he would let such a sweet person fall but only he knows.
                “My job as his wife was to help get him to heaven and I believe I did.” Was the line that really hit me in the heart. You are a Christlike figure and maybe God used exH to get to you and bring you closer to him. Seems he answered one of your prayers by taking him before he slipped into mortal sin.
                I want an annulment because I feel it will be easier to get it now while the details are fresh. That being said I don’t se myself dating for a while. My divorce was final last Tuesday, only 10 months from a very unexpected DDay. Last year at this time I was happily married or at least I thought I was.
                On a separate note, Perhaps husband 2.0 gets “annoyed” at you complimenting his trustworthiness because he is a standup guy and doesn’t know how to be any other way. I also would guess that he was probably never chumped,
                Many Blessings to you

              • I dont often go into the spiritual complexity of this very often but every once in a while I can see there is something to be gained.

                I generally think its best for people to flee abuse and I never want anyone to subject themselves to it because of my experience – it was a specific path asked by God in a specific situation for a specific reason. He had gone deep into Mortal Sin and come out but was going back in that direction.

                During the worst, God was right next to me holding me up by the moment. I remember once “hearing” God tell me “Your husbands soul is in peril” and I asked “Why me?” and I got an answer I wasn’t expecting..”Because everyone else would have given up by now”. I chose to remain in that spot for good reasons and bad ones.

                God loves our Cheaters. I want him in Heaven but I dont want to have anything to do with him. His “love” for me at this point is inconsequential. God knew his days were short.

                “I ask why God why he would let such a sweet person fall but only he knows.” I find it absolutely agonizing that my Cheater had all the pieces to build a beautiful life but instead he built a filthy house of cards. It is nothing short of tragic to me…and after giving him a thousand chances, by the time he learned the Truth, it was too late for him to do anything about it. I stopped telling the bigger story when people would react “Oh he was a terrible person, so its good that he is dead”. NO, his death was not “good” it is all tragic…unlike the end of a movie, he did not learn his lesson in time to redeem himself.

                I believe that temptation for him to cheat was incessant…he likely suffered from depression and used it as a dopamine delivery system to help him cope. He got away with it for so long, I think he figured it wasn’t really a problem. By the time he realized it was a horrible idea, he had so many skeletons in his closet, he knew he could never come clean. In the last year or so of his life, I remember looking at him and thinking “He looks like a person with a terrible secret”.

                I agree with the Pope that likely, few marriages are actually sacramental…the people who entered them really didn’t understand what they were promising. Your prayers for your XW seem to be well directed…you still hold some goodwill for her even though you are done with allowing her to hurt you.

                Husband 2.0 is a dear. He was dumped but not thumped…his XW believed there was greener grass out there and sought to find it (she gets points for moving out before she started dating). I think he felt like his virtues did not save him from heartbreak so they must have been useless – I assure him that is not the case.

        • I visited the OW’s man (live-in BF of 7 years, who pays her bills and repairs her house) while OW and STBXH were enjoying a long week-end at Disney; he is staying with her because, he “loves her, but hasn’t serviced her well enough…”

          I’ve been chumped, but he has apparently gained a threesome! ????????

          • All this proves is that there’s no solid chump profile. As with battering victims, there’s no particular statistical common denominator according to pre-abuse character, background, education, self esteem level, intelligence, “attachment style,” etc. Takes all kinds– except when it comes to cheaters/abusers. The latter are very predictable in all respects. In turn it all proves who drives it. Not chumps.

          • That just means they’ve convinced him that he deserves the abuse. I know how that feels. I was one of those chumps too.

      • I don’t understand why you are angry at him. This makes me think of all the nasty things that were done to me throughout my marriage and I had no idea why. Why the F*** would you be mad at their spouse?! If you’re going to do something nasty, why not to the person who actually helped betray you? Not their other victim. I’ll never understand this shit but I’ve been on the receiving end of it plenty of times. It fucking sucks.

      • I’m just blown away by your comment so I have to continue. You hate him because he didn’t enjoy being cheated on? Wow, what an asshole to try to get his wife to stop cheating on him. What an asshole to cause a scene when he was abused and betrayed by his spouse. Just… wtf?! Did you like being cheated on? Was it a fun spa day for you? Is that why you can’t understand why another person might be upset and cause a scene?

        • I am pretty sure this thing is a fetish for the pair of them. See my replies and then google it.

          • Him freaking out in public and asking her to quit jobs to stop affairs makes it seem like it’s not something he enjoys.

            I’ve already googled it because people said the same exact thing about me. It was definitely not a fetish for me.

          • Yes, in some cases it is a thing enjoyed by the pair. See Frank Pittman, chapter 11/Marital Arrangements.

          • That’s a very convenient justification for doing something cruel. You have no way of knowing if that is true or if he’s just a trauma bonded abuse victim like so many other chumps. Not cool, WCBO.

      • Weasel Dick’s Wife,

        Why would you do such a thing ?!

      • Who in the hell would upvote sending a chump a bag of dicks and a nasty insult because he’s smoking hopium that his cheater will change? Most of the people on this blog did that at some point FFS. Lots of us have been distraught enough to make a scene in public over a fuckwit as well. Ten people really liked this bullshit?

  • I thought about sending him an age appropriate toupee that wasn’t cheap and shitty.

    Maybe one that wasn’t jet black compared to the rest of his gray hair.

    Not worth the money. LOL.

  • I wanted to send my medical file of constant yeast infections, suspicious vaginal lesions that had to be burned away, bladder and kidney infections, pelvic rashes of unknown origin, Cysts and cervical lesions. The lab reports confirming STI. The lab report confirming he gave me a life long STI. Most of these horrendously embarrassing and painful problems miraculously disappeared once he refused to have sex with me any more. I will carry his gift of STI for the rest of my life.

    I’d like to send her the bill for the years of therapy and medication it has taken for me to survive his abuse. I’d like for her to pay for the therapy my adult sons need.

    But mostly I’d love to send her proof that he is already fucking around on her.

    • I’m so sorry, Thirtythree. I wish I had known you then. I’m an attorney, so when I found out my boyfriend of two years was a cheating shit bag, I had another attorney friend send a letter demanding reimbursement for my STD testing. It also gave him a deadline to pay or we would file suit for negligence and sexual battery for the BV he gave me, which caused painful UTI’s. The letter warned that the suit would require subpoenas of his phone records and depositions of “all involved parties.” He’s a doctor and Lt. Col. In the Army, so he’s got plenty to lose.

  • I had seen phone messages that ex was going to be with the OW (at her house..I knew her address). He had told me he was going to work. I organised a huge bunch of flowers to be delivered on that day to the OWs house (knowing they would be together indoors) with a note implying she had been on a recent date and her suitor was sending her post date flowers…..sorry…not sorry.

    • I have thought about doing the exact same thing. How did you do it without them being able to trace the flowers back to you???

      • OverMim…I asked a friend from my walking group that the ex did not know and had never met to place the order over the phone. She has zero hesitation as she is also a chump and knows the deal. She used a fake name but her actual credit card details. I then gave her the cash. Data protection in the UK is tough so even if the OW had phoned to trace the purchase the florist would not be able to share the info (and my friend used a fake name…Elizabeth Taylor to be exact). I’ll be honest I wouldn’t do it now…2 years post D day but at the time I really needed to. I know it’s childish but it did make me smile. Again…sorry…not sorry.

    • How about we organize all sending flowers to each other? I’d love to get flowers from anyone for any reason – lol.

      • I buy them for myself at the grocery store all the time, to make up for the 35 years of marriage in which my ex bought me flowers exactly one time, when he was afraid I might out him.

      • Girl, I am Katie Pig in Las Vegas on Facebook. Anybody in here, feel free to friend me. It would so fun to organize a flower exchange or Christmas card exchange. Or maybe Valentine’s Day exchange. I am so down for that.

      • Erm, can I join but go in for a nice book or stationary? I’ve had serial nightmares about receiving monstrous, six foot tall Asian lilies wrapped in what looks like a transparent body bag.

        • Damn, that’s an interesting dream. I’m sorry you keep having it since you describe it as a nightmare, any idea what it means though?

  • I just celebrated one year post-DDay, and I STILL want to call/email/text the AP’s (and my former Bestie’s) husband and inform him of what went on when she lived under my roof for many many weeks and was enjoying new extracurricular activities (i.e. my husband) while I was helping her through their rough patch. The better revenge, though, is knowing she would rather be with my husband but has to be with hers after I kicked her the fuck out of my house… with a Police escort!

    • I used a burner email address to forward a bunch of emails one of klootzak’s APs had sent klootzak to the AP’s spouse. They included naughty photos of her. It took me a long time to decide to do it and only did so because I thought telling another chump the truth was the right thing to do. It was not something I did immediately and out of anger. I thought it only right he have honest info. He divorced her in less than a year. Good for him!

      Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. She was one of so many APs but the one he cheated on me with during IVF and pregnancy. I don’t feel bad one bit. I gave him evidence. Her own words. She got nothing from him in the divorce. I looked at his FB years later and saw him post about it publicly. lol

    • Double chumped, please tell the chump-husband of the OW, if that’s what you mean. He needs to know.

  • A letter to my sister-in-law has been written and re-written but never sent. It dispels any report that ex and I “just grew apart” or that his sexual relationship with OW began after we separated. At first, I waited until divorce was final and now I’ve accepted that I need to remain no contact with his family for my own healing. I have considered letting OW’s daughters know that their father’s suspicions were founded (and not dementia).

    • Every mother’s day I struggle to refrain from sending a card to OW’s daughter, telling her to google women who target married men. OW didn’t hesitate to hurt my child, and it is hard to refrain from blowing up her family too.

      • Angry with the man who gave her ‘the cover of married respectability.’ Angry at *the daughter?** I can’t believe 7 people actually liked that last comment. What’s the point of wanting to take revenge on the victims – especially a child? Like one person said above, they don’t have any control of the idiotic OW’s behavior.

  • There’s a company that will send an anonymous bottle of wine to whomever you want, except it’s NOT wine, it’s red wine VINEGAR, and they put a nasty label on it. I desperately wanted to send OW the bottle that said “Good luck with my husband. You deserve each other.” (The back is a label that basically says it’s your way of letting shit go.) I had her address (she didn’t know I knew it). I also really wanted to send her a “care package” with acne cream and Rogaine (she had acne and really, really thin hair).

    The notes app on my phone is full of letters I wrote to my ex and OW, spanning years. I found that writing out exactly what I wanted to say to both of them helped a lot. I didn’t actually have to send it. But getting it all out on “paper” made it so much easier to be civil when I had to deal with them in person.

    • Do you happen to have a name for the company that will send out the vinegar wine??? Asking for a friend.

      • It was called Vicious Vines, but it looks like they are no longer in business. Their web address is no longer active. You can see most of their bottles if you search for them on Pinterest.

    • My phone is full of those notes too. Angry ones but also sad ones to the person I thought he was. I usually stop half way through writing the angry ones because it dawns on me that he will just continue to deny the cheating & twist the truth and I sort of run out of steam. But the sad ones help me process the grief I still sometimes feel about the person I was happy with for nearly 4 years.

    • What is it with APs’ acne and thin hair? Weirdly, FW’s AP was not the first side dish I’d noticed this in. I worked in a very narc-infested field with a lot of workplace harassment and married cheating going on. Zits and thin hair seemed to be a typical office side piece profile. I assumed that this type is more insecure so more prone to taking up with gross married overlords and competing with hapless victims. But it might be more than that.

      Because my GP warned me of the epidemic of PCOS among women under 30 and I have a daughter, I did my usual exhaustive research into environmental factors to make sure my daughter avoided exposure to suspect stuff. I was relieved right off the bat because, despite DD’s tween chubby stage, she’s got four heads worth of hair, none on her back and no acne whatsoever. But once I got started, I got hooked into many research tangents because PCOS as well as plummeting sperm counts among younger men start looking like harbingers of species extinction the more information you see on it.

      I do what I can for my children but I’m afraid for their generation. Holy shit. BPA, “metaloestrogens,” synth hormones in commercial milk, meat, eggs, pesticides, food additives, etc., etc., not to mention the effects of drugs and alcohol — many suspects, many animal studies. Scarier still, I read research reporting that women with PCOS are over-represented among prison inmates charged with violent crimes. What makes this interesting is that PCOS is not related to a condition of congenital hyperandrogenism and women affected by the latter are not statistically more prone to violent crime so it’s not just the skew in hormones but how this is happening. And then, in biosociology, hormonal damage and other health issues that can lead to infertility are speculated to contribute to what’s called a “fast life strategy”– promiscuity and attempts to mate and breed quickly and unselectively before the fertility window shuts and health crumbles.

      Anyway, all that came to mind on D-Day when my attorney and I checked out the AP’s social media. Yup, acne scars, extremely thin hair, dark armpits, apple shaped body and parotid gland swelling. In fact the AP turned out to have PCOS.

      The good news for sufferers in general is that cleaning up diet and environment seem to have an impact on the condition. The unsurprising news is that the AP doesn’t look like she’s cleaning up anything– not from the massive junk food and bar bills that turned up on FW’s secret affair credit card. She lived on takeout pizza, pot and bourbon.

  • I wrote dozens of emails which I never sent. I still do occasionally. I find it helps get the frustration out without the effect of giving the cheater attention. Often they contain quotes from CL and CN.
    In the past I did send some of them. But it would only leave me angrier because I knew he would pay no heed. Oh, he would sometimes claim they had enlightened him, but he did nothing with any of it. Nothing changed, so his alleged enlightenment is worth exactly nothing. He tried to convince me that knowing made a difference. But as Dr. Simon says, it isn’t that he is unaware of his wrongs and his foolishness. He just doesn’t care and has no genuine intention of changing beyond superficial stuff. He deludes himself that there is a way he can continue to be the same old fucked up jerk, yet get different results. I do know it pissed him off, and for a while that was worth it. Not anymore.

  • My draft folder has approximately 5643467765 drafts of the letter I wanted send to them both. I still fantasize about it.

    Bottom line, it would include the following points:

    1. He lied about everything and you can tell because you and I know both know his resume is fiction and he has ZERO education. You don’t? Well you should look into it since your future relies on it and you are now where I was.

    2. He was still sleeping with me while he was allegedly falling in love with you and saying it was all over. See above regarding whether his version of history is reliable.

    3. He has 4 adult step children who will likely never speak to him again. His two biological children only speak to him because he bought them cars. He’s told you they’ll all get over it. See #1. You have three young children. This means the guy described in #1 now has NINE (count ‘em) children he’s a father/father figure to and he’s awful at it. If you saw the contempt on the face of my adult children when his name comes up – which is rare – and if you love your children at all, you’d get out before the wedding. The thing is, you deserve this, but they don’t. My children didn’t either.

    4. You should know that all midlife crisis cheaters vilify the wife. Guess who gets that role next? You are not the first mistress, you won’t be the last, and I fell for all the same bullshit you did. You’ll find out eventually it was never real. In fact he’s feeding you all the things I told you I needed. So ironically he does listen, but he only gives out when there’s a transaction involved. Make sure you don’t stop adoring him and providing for him and being his bestest mommy, even though your relationship is one of convenience for him, because he roped you into a big mortgage commitment two weeks after our divorce was final and has already isolated you in that remote house. The fact that his stories don’t all add up, that his children can’t stand him and that his ex says he was with her during those romantic first months and hid your existence – don’t let it eat you alive while he works long hours and leaves you alone in that old house to do all the hard work.

    He’s all yours. As someone I know says: no tags back. I’d send you postcards from my free, happy, stable life with my amazing kids, but that wouldn’t be nice.

    • Sounds like my FW, including the children that don’t talk to him, my kids who will never talk to him again, the love-bombing, the convenience of moving in with a woman with a nice house. He moved in with a new victim while he was still trying to get back with me. He just didn’t want to live in his shithole house or make his own food. But since his newest victim isn’t the AP she’s gonna have to learn it on her own. He’s already put that ring on her finger, just like he did to me, so that he could lock her up so she would forgive him, like he thought I would.

  • Well I did tell the OW about his online dating. It liberated her from the fantasy she was living. I have many an unsent email in my inbox though I have to say rather than nasty, they all read as reasonable attempts at regaining my agency. Even so, not worth it. I can do that (regain my agency) without approval of abusers.

    • CCinC, I love this line “without the approval of abusers”. I wish I had had it years ago. There is so, so much we chumps can do (and have done) without their approval. Beautiful wisdom – thank you for posting.

  • The second OW and I are friends. For the last two months, we have talked every day. She has provided me financial evidence for the discovery in case my ex decides to deleted important things. She spoke on the behalf of my kids to the Guardian ad Litem, which ultimately had a lot of sway on her most recent decision to grant me primary place and my ex no overnights. She has recorded phone calls. She has been a safe space for me. This is a unicorn situation, I know. When I first found out I messaged her. I was pregnant at the time and with a toddler, which she was unaware of. She lived 2000 miles away and fell for the lies of my ex and their family who went along with it all. She never responded, but a few months later, the woman before me reached out to her (again) and she started to piece together what actually was happening. She reached out to me and we spent week comparing her journal and my desperate chump notes. She was chumped just as much as I was, and all the other women, as well. The three of us are in a group text and we are a strong force of womanship. Unfortunately, we met through these circumstances, but losing a piece of trash and gaining two strong women was worth it.

    • I’m now friends with his most recent ex – she reached out to me after he started telling whoppers about me that were so outrageous she felt the need to confirm with me ???? I was 2 years no contact with him and all his friends and family and lived in another part of the country, so if he’d just stuck with the “we grew apart” narrative and not pure invented stuff she never would have started digging. She also got in touch with the woman before me and found out he’d done the exact same thing to her. Luckily she is smart and left him ???? She’s a really cool, kind person to boot and we’ve stayed in touch, we’re trying to arrange a trip to the theatre together (because we have common interests as well!). Here’s to women supporting women & doing the right thing.

  • A divorce announcement blast text to the last fifty or so hookups and their spouses where applicable saying “Have at it, he’s all yours”…

  • A WebMD article on how to treat STDs. And a link to his Adult Friend Finder profile since OW was so convinced he wouldn’t cheat on her. You know all that practical information. I did send OW a restraining order after discovering she was parking near my driveway to watch if ex was coming and going. Plus for phone harassment. Dingbat tried pleading with me and threatening me to move the divorce along. Apparently she didn’t get the memo ex was non-responsive to all the requests for info and was a no-show for two court hearings.

  • Oh, so many things. For one, a copy of the receipt for the tacky resort she went with then AP for a long weekend after leaving our children with her parents two state borders away, because she “needed to work”, during wreckonciliation. She paid for the chalet the same day she asked me for money. At the time I did recall Mr. CL’s line and saved it (along with now gigabytes worth of shit she’s been doing) for the day – may it never come – she seeks full custody of our children. I also refrained from sharing with her a screenshot I took during the videocall when I disclosed to her I knew where she was, when and with whom. She always says that if I could see myself I would realize how ridiculous and weird I am. I wish she could see her face when caught red-handed. The poorly repressed mix of anger and contempt. The wicked soul she keeps under wraps most of the time.
    After all was said and done, she sent me a link to an youtube video of Brian Adams’ “Please forgive me”. I wanted to reply with Caetano Veloso’s “Não enche” (“fuck off”, in a loose translation):
    But since the lyrics are full of profanity, I also refrained from doing so, sending
    Gloria Gaynor’s “I will survive” instead.
    But it would have felt awesome to tell her to fuck off in Caetano’s words.

    • You sent the message you wanted. No judge will ever hold that against you.

  • I wanted to send a detailed history to my EX’s parents describing his behavior–including the events that let to his arrest. I was so frustrated with their two-faced behavior. One week they would thank me for taking great care of their beloved grandchildren when their son was “struggling,” and the next week they’d be blaming me for everything.

    I realized it would be useless–no amount of detail or fact would help. They had spent more than 40 years looking for alternative explanations and scapegoats when their son failed at various forms of adulting; they weren’t going to realign their thinking just because his wife of over 10 years, the police, the grandkids, and the neighbors all told them that their son was lying.

    I also concluded that one of the reasons his parents were livid with me when I initiated a divorce was because it resulted in their son boomeranging back into their orbit. Sure enough, ten years later he continues to live in a home they bought supported exclusively by them. Forcing him to take responsibility for his own choices simply isn’t on the menu–and while that makes them complicit in his problems it also reveals the sad truth that they only see two explanations for their jackass of a son–either they are at fault for his behavior or someone else is. Never him.

  • I wanted to send the information I gathered to ow’s spouse and mother. I’m sure it wouldn’t have mattered as she would have just lied to them like she does herself.

    What I really wanted to do was paint “whore” in reverse on her rear car window so that when she drove home, every minute she looked in her rearview mirror, she’d be reminded of her pitiful life choices.

  • 100’s upon 100’s of wordy text replies through the years that I edited down to just the necessary facts -who what where – about shared child. I also had detailed letters planned, but never sent, to both the whore and ex. So glad now I kept my dignity but I silently cheer on the chumps I hear of that do some sort of over-the-top response to a cheater. (Dumping all the stuff on the lawn etc.) I am still surprised there aren’t more physical responses to this stuff. I am impressed most people prefer peace.

    • I also secretly love the over the top stuff. I didn’t do it but when I hear about someone else doing it I’m like oh fuck yeah, good for you.

  • My phone is a treasure trove of FW BS.
    My personal fave is a FW to OW text about ‘creative destruction’, having to destroy one part of his life to move onto the next. (Yep, that is me, my marriage, family & jointly owned business getting the torpedos) …to which the OW replied, “Well I hope that doesn’t mean you’re just replacing one for the other!” ummmm…. yes, dear OW, that is exactly what it means. No tag backs!

  • I wanted to go to my local Chinese restaurant and get the Cantonese speaking man to write “Your daughter is having sex with my husband. Tell her to stop, she is bringing shame to your family” but I was afraid he would actually write “this crazy anglo woman has it out for your daughter, call the police” (or something like that).

    I also wanted to go to her booth at the local conference (she was a sales person for a corporation trying to get contracts with the military) and spray paint “Susan _____ dates married officers”.

    When she was marrying the fiancé she cheated on with my husband, I wanted to send her a card and inside write “gosh, we didnt get an invitation to your wedding, Im sure that was an accident, but I was thinking of flying out (what with us all being so close an all) to surprise you! Maybe I will arrive at the last minute – it would be so fun !!”

    I did none of this.

    I sometimes still have daydreams about such things though, but many years have passed and she is long divorced from her husband. I imagine running into her in an airport (likely the only place we might cross paths) and asking her why they broke up, but I likely wouldn’t do that either

  • Unfortunately, I hadn’t read CL’s book or blog prior to my series of complete meltdowns, so I did the opposite of “if it feels good don’t do it”. However, some wishes never carried out:
    1.) Send myself and out two young children to the hotel in Panama where he was staying with the Knob Polisher during school vacation week when he was supposed to be with us but “won a trip” at the last minute.
    2.) A letter to her cleaning company indicating that the only knob she was polishing was my husband’s, on company time.

  • I still want to go to her old employer and tell them she was screwing sparkle dick (who still works there) in various places all over the property.

    • Yeah… I came so close several times to sending information to the Portugal AP’s boss informing him through her own emails of how many of the trips they paid to send her on were actually arranged to put her in the same city with klootzak so they could hook up. She was screwing klootzak on her company’s dime and it was a non-profit! (Doctors Without Borders kind of operation.) One of her emails discussing the scheme with klootzak had an attached photo she had taken of her boobs. I so badly wanted to hit print, shove it all in an envelope, and mail it to him. But I felt like somehow it would have bitten me so I had better not. I had those emails in an envelope for a year before I shredded them.

      AP’s boss retired and she was promoted into his position. She is very well off but money isn’t everything. She has no morals. I would rather be working long hours at my modest career in my little house with my little car than sleeping with other people’s husbands and ruining little kids’ lives. I wouldn’t mind the karma bus hitting that one but not going to waste a moment of my life waiting on it or looking for it. I don’t worry much about finding my way into heaven but she had better hope that hell doesn’t exist.

  • The pages and pages of text messages that I have received since the divorce was final. Rambling texts telling me how much he still loves me, what a mistake he made, I will always be his only true love, happy birthdays & anniversaries, blah blah blah. I’ve been tempted to send them to Schmoopie, but figure since she wanted him SO bad that she chased after a married man, she can deal with all of his drama without my help. No give backs!!

    PS – No need to worry, CN. Now that our divorce is final & everything legal completed, he is blocked.

  • A copy of his mobile phone records to his new girlfriend, who is the now-wife. He was dating the now-wife just a few months after we separated, no doubt giving the typical reasons for his sad, “I tried so hard” impending divorce. And no doubt he was partially honest about his affair, because I wasn’t going to cover for him and everyone knew why I threw him out of the house

    But what the now-wife still doesn’t know is that the affair had not ended. Phone records show that his long, lovebombing conversations with the now-wife were surrounded by conversations with his affair partner. So much for the now-wife being special . . . but she doesn’t know it.

    • My dream-scenario: knowing for sure that he betrays her too and is not able to stay fathful&loyal to anyone…

      That would make me feel so much better.

      • Pretty sure you can feel confident that he will or has already.

  • My ex-friend and soon-to-be ex-husband had sex in our family tent in our backyard (one of many locales) while I was out of town and my children were sleeping just inside. When ex-friend and her wealthy doctor-husband divorced, she was booted from their gorgeous farmhouse with all the amenities. I came very close to packing up the sex tent and sending it to her with a note reading: “Looks like you’ll be needing this.”

    • That would have been the perfect karma gift – it’s the thought that counts and the thought is hilarious!

  • Didn’t send anything but I did change the passcode for the alarm system on our house that I left and he was living in and then ran “tests” on the alarm system in the middle of the night. He called me to tell me the alarm kept going off. I told him I would look into it. Still makes me smile.

  • I don’t even know where to begin on this challenge, there’s so much to work with.

  • I wanted to pour sand or sugar into her gas tank. And spray grass killer all over APs yard. j

    But I haven’t.

    • Well if you do use the grass killer, my advice is to carefully apply it in such a way that you spell out choice words to convey a message… heheh

    • I had dreams of a cement mixer pouring cement into one of the AP’s cars.

  • I really wanted to send my in-laws the letter in which my ex confessed to molesting a 14-year-old girl and committing felony fraud. And the voice recording in which he admitted to stealing from a local Christian school. But I knew that no matter what I sent them, they’d just listen to his pathetic whining about how it wasn’t his fault. His mother molested a 17-year-old student and eventually ran off with him and married him, and the family claimed that the kid seduced her. So I knew there was zero chance they would have any good sense about the EX and his actions. No matter what he did, it would be my fault.

    • Have you thought about sending these to law enforcement? That underage victim deserves justice and validation. There may be others.

      • There are always others. In the past and in the future. Worth a sit down discussion with a police detective.

      • Yes, I did. But the underage girl was mentally incompetent and couldn’t testify, so they said he would just deny it and there wasn’t much to go on. I don’t know why a handwritten confession wasn’t enough, but there we are.

        • I get it. It’s extremely frustrating how little they can do, or will do. People will say go to the police but when you’re actually in the situation and go to the police you learn real fast why so many pedos get away with it. I can’t even openly say my ex husband is a pedophile or I could face charges. But he can talk up his fantasies about raping children on the Internet and that’s just fine. It’s beyond frustrating. Most of the time I have to just force it out of my mind because there isn’t a damn thing I can actually do.

  • I would have loved to send her the evidence I have that the first thanksgiving holiday after I kicked his sorry ass out (after I found out he was having an affair with my best friend) that he was contacting sex workers while said ex best friend/his schmoopie was in another state for the holiday. I asked him why he was contacting them if, as he claimed, she made him happy and he was willing to blow up a 23 year marriage and countless relationships/friendships just to be with her. He literally begged me to keep the discovery between the two of us. So I did. But whenever he was being a dick during our quick divorce and during the very infrequent communication we needed to have the few months following about our college aged daughter I would ask him if he was still seeing sex workers behind her back. Lolololol. I could hear in his voice the fear that I would out him to her. I know he is still terrified I will put him. I did mention it to a few people including his now ex best friend who happens to be the husband of my ex bestie/ the AP so perhaps the message will eventually get to her since they have another 12 years of shared child custody which will be bitter until the very end. I saved the evidence in case I ever run into her. I know her personality and she won’t be able to resist an “I won” comment. I’ll show her exactly what she won.
    A couple others: wanted to send her a catalog for sex toys because when he drinks (which is all the time now) his sexual performance is pretty abysmal. I also wanted to send his company an email to check his budget and the contracts they have with certain companies as I suspect he has set up a construction company or partnered with someone and gets kick backs when their company wins a bid on a job. I have some evidence but it’s all circumstantial without financial records, which his employer would be able to piece together.

  • Printed screenshots of their sexting, in which the OW said her boyfriend knows “she would never cheat on him”, (duh, you are you stupid twat), and mailed them to her house from a different postal area than I live. No DNA or fingerprints on anything. Hypothetically!

  • To the ex-student with whom he was “exploring his gender identity,” his sister, and all of the Switzerland friends, I would like to send all the selfies my ex sent me of himself wanking while wearing women’s lingerie.

    • You should absolutely do this. It would humiliate him almost as much as he humiliated you. I’d put it on a billboard! Print it on flyers and stuff it in mailboxes where he lives.

      • Get behind me, Satan! No temptation!
        However, I wrote an essay about the break up and why, and it’s to be published in the next month or so. ????

  • I’m resisting the urge to tell him (via email) that I’ve gained a life and am doing better without him, that I’ve met someone new who is superior in every way, that, although i’m still angry about having been chumped and abused, I’m actually grateful that at least the sordid affair freed me from his shitty, entitled self and a crappy mirage (thanks VH) that i was so deep into, I didn’t even appreciate how much it sucked.

    I won’t send him anything that’s non-business related, but I do hope it’s getting back to him that I’m doing well.

    • “a crappy mirage that i was so deep into, I didn’t even appreciate how much it sucked”
      ME TOO!!!! That is the perfect way to put it. Until several months out, I had no objectivity on this. Now, I still wrestle with feelings of sadness, anger and disappointment, but I feel so much more at peace overall and way physically healthier!

    • Yes! I had no idea how terrible my life really was. I would think well, life is hard, marriage is hard, raising kids is hard, etc. My life is so much easier and happier now it’s unbelievable. And I work full time, go to school full time, and I’m low income and struggle with bills.

      1000 times easier and more enjoyable than being married to him was, even at the times I wasn’t working. It blows my mind.

  • Sure, I thought about saying all kinds of things, but once I refused reconciliation, I was determined not to say anything else at all about our relationship to him. In my mind, he didn’t deserve any more attention than I had already given him during our several decades together. I made mistakes in my marriage and during separation, but when I drew that line, no more discussion. I had been seeing a coach and a therapist to deal with a whole host of issues.

    Ironically, it was his attorney who really got on my ex’s case for the whole thing and told my attorney all about it. Yes, the attorney who was on his third wife and had a reputation for sleeping with clients. My attorney assured me that he was just being a good listener and charged me for just a fraction of those conversations because apparently, his attorney went on for quite a while at times about my ex and various philosophical musings about marriage, family, and divorce practice. Mine had announced his retirement, so I guess my ex’s attorney felt safe doing that. We got all kinds of dirt on my ex. I told my attorney not to tell me the details of what he knew unless were going to trial, and we did indeed settle. His attorney decided that he was going to drop my ex as a client if it went to trial, and that tipped it.

    My attorney retired the day after it was final, and his associate took my case to another firm for closeout. Closeout was a mess, but thankfully my ex’s attorney hung in there until their part of closeout was done. He had promised my original attorney that he would do that, and he did.

    My ex remains a poor, suffering soul and periodically reappears via email years later, trying to take a swipe at me. I hit Tuesday a month or so after the divorce was final and went on.

  • I knew my former Husband and his office girl had a regular Thursday morning meeting with the entire office staff.
    I came this close to sending her a bouquet of stink weed with a big balloon “Congratulations!” And having him served with the divorce papers right in the middle of that meeting. Something stopped me, but I’m not sure what.
    I also wanted to send her all the texts he sent me after he moved in with her. What an eye opener that would have been. I sometimes Still regret I didn’t do that, but thankfully I do not care any longer.
    She knew what he was when she stated her affair with him. I, when I married him, was unaware of his “proclivities”

  • This is something I didn’t send, but I let him have it, which is even more satisfying. I started collecting Persian carpets in grade school, so of course he claimed they were marital property. During the divorce, when I moved a love seat to vacuum, I discovered my favorite, best rug was infested with carpet moths and not salvageable. Friends offered to throw it in their dumpster, but instead, we rolled it, wrapped the affected end loosely in plastic, and put it at the front inside the locked shed. Next to it was a huge cardboard box holding another rolled carpet that was barely visible; if he looked, he would have seen it was the small, cheap accent rug he gave me, which I hated, perched on top of empty cartons in the big box. All of it was destined for trash, one way or another. When he came for his final inventory with the mediation attorney, I had the shed key ready. Sure enough, he took one glance, took photos for his property settlement statement, and wrote exultantly, “FOUND THEM HIDDEN IN THE SHED!!!!!” In mediation he demanded, and got, those two, plus another he’d already taken. He bragged to the friend who later did his moving that he got my most valuable, cherished carpets. Little did he know what he got for being a greedy liar. I think he put them in storage, and I like to think of it as a gift that keeps on giving.

  • I did send. I sent an anonymous letter to her new employer (since my husband was her boss) and let them know about her drinking problem and her inability to run an office well (she was his “office manager”) and that she has no ethics with money management in her “office managing” …..that’s another story! Anyway they sent her to alcohol treatment after that. So maybe I did her the favor. I heard through the grapevine she didn’t stay sober however, and lost the job. Lucky for me her reputation in this town was so bad….she couldn’t find another job and had to move.

  • When I can finally go no contact (I share a child with a FW and am subject to court-sanctioned abuse), I fantasize about sending him a one line message on our co-parenting app that reads: I faked all my orgasms. But what I’ll really do is just change my password on the app and lose it and change my email address and phone number and let him sit in the echoing silence alone.

    • Winner winner, chicken dinner!! ????. I think I would send that, and then change everything and go on with your life. Signed, another chump who did the.same.damn.thing.

    • My kids are all adults now. The ex had my new cell phone number, but I NEVER answered or responded to his texts unless it was one of the rare occasions when he had the kids. He was fully trained to only contact me via email. Once the youngest was an adult I blocked him on email. It’s glorious. He’s come to my house twice since then. The first time was on a Christmas Eve and he dropped off letters for all of us. I didn’t read past the first sentence. The second time was recently, and I did not answer the door.

  • I found ex’s hidden masturbation photo files. Some of the photos were zoomed in pics of my brother’s wife’s backside and also her 20 yr old daughter who ex knew since she was 11yrs old (my sister in law and my niece). Ex was getting the pics from social media and from text messages I had sent ex (while still married). Example myself and family hanging out but ex zoomed in on SIL’s ass and cropped everything else out. Also included several coworkers with similar editing. Ex also had cropped out my brother from pics w his wife and daughters. Ex would always bad mouth my SIL saying she was attention seeking on social media and that my niece wore clothes that were too revealing. Ex continued to add these type pics to his collection even after his staged infidelity confession to me. I can tell because of the “file saved date”. I don’t want my young daughter to know what a pervert her dad is. My brother and his wife knows ex was cheating on me and chose to stay friends w him on social media. So sickening to have to coparent and he has no idea to this day how much I really know about his cheating and repulsive habits.

    • Girl, same! I found literally hundreds of videos of him doing this – at our daughter’s school, at his job, following women off of the train to THEIR jobs and holding the door for them, all while taping their boobs and butts, sticking his phone up women’s skirts on escalators. And guess what? I never said a word to my daughter but she came home a few years ago from a rare outing with him and asked me “why is Daddy taping women’s butts?” I lost my mind on him. My daughter is 14 and knows what a creeper he is…sigh!

      • I’m sorry your baby girl had to find out that way!! Ugg! Did he make absurd excuses when you confronted him?? I don’t think my ex will own up to everything I have proof of and I don’t think I would be able to control my anger towards the DARVO.

    • I found klootzak had squirreled away in his desk drawer the senior photo of a girl we have known since she was 9. She is the daughter of a man who has been his friend for almost 30 years. When the graduation announcement arrived, he denied seeing her senior photo and said it must have accidentally been thrown away. But there it was in his desk drawer. He is 49 years old and this girl is 18. He is such a creeper. If I had hard evidence of him doing anything, I wouldn’t hesitate to go to the authorities. People like him make me sick.

      • My ex mentioned the other day how all the incoming soldiers in his unit were in diapers when he joined the military almost 2 decades ago. I hate having to contain my outrage. He really thinks I don’t know he’s already lurking around their social media sites for more prey. Disgusting. I must admit his previous cheating opened my eyes to see how many females see sleeping with an older married man as some sort of competition. Most of the females he cheated on me with were also “married”. Lessons learned.

  • The cheater got a high level position post retirement that required a great deal of government clearance. They were required to interview me for 20 mins( the soon to be ex wife, as he was brazenly flaunting the mistress all over town by now)
    That’s when I had a million different emotions swirling around my mind and couldn’t even think straight from the pain. I knew, though, if I spoke with them ( government employees) I would say WAY more than would be helpful to me or my kids in the long run.
    I avoided every opportunity they tried to get to me ( barely!) and they finally did give up trying. ( probably concluded I was the crazy almost ex and it wouldn’t be beneficial info anyway)
    I’m glad I never did speak with them, FW would not have gotten the job ( similar sexual misconduct issues were the reason the outgoing person to the job was ousted! ????) and the only ones that would have paid for that would be me and my kids. ( we needed him to have a distraction so we weren’t his focus of abuse anymore)
    He, oddly, does a great deal of good superficially, it’s the ppl that really love him that get royally screwed in the background is the issue.
    My observation of that is you cannot be considered a good person ( as they desperately want to be known) if you are saving whales during the week and drowning babies on the weekends.
    Nope, sorry, not a good person!
    Seems to be a very common scenario with these malignant narcs we hear about all over the news ALL the time.
    I also wanted to mail a copy of CL’s book and the book “ Woman who Love Psychopaths” to his mistress. ( found out from my kids, her husband back 20 years, was physically abusive to her and she divorced him after 7 years and left with their son).
    Well, surprise surprise! She picked up yet another manipulating abuser, so her picker never did make it to the repair shop, and I, with toxic levels of empathy, kinda felt bad for her. ( even though she easily KNEW him to be an adulterer)
    I didn’t do it though. I already realized she was under his spell and no attempts from me ( the crazy, bitter ex) would break that.
    No tag backs bitch, he’s all yours!

    • Oh, gosh. I forgot about that. I DID speak to someone representing the FBI for a clearance for the ex. I talked to the guy for nearly an hour. I said that he was a liar and a cheater, but probably loyal to his country.

    • I think I’d avoid that too. My ex had a clearance for many years, but was retired when he ran.

      However, our son had to apply for a clearance not long after his dad took off. Periodically would I get a text or email that his dad was at yet another hotel, but unless he wanted something mailed, I really didn’t track it very well. So my son asked them what to do since his dad was effectively on the run, and they said to list his dad’s name and put “unknown” in every field. The investigator apparently asked my son’s references about that, and they confirmed, saying something about his dad talking off and leaving the state. So my son got his clearance without them talking to his dad, thankfully.

  • Honest question…when is a good time to say something? I’m thinking specifically of our church. Our kids have grown up there. For all the extolling of marriage and family that happens there, our church has done a terrible job helping our family navigate the circumstances. My ex-friend still attends so there is no way in hell I will ever return (though I gave it a solid go – the pandemic forced me home, and made me realize how much better I felt NOT attending). The church gave us several thousand dollars to pay for an affair recovery program, but to me, it’s like the equivalent of handing a five bucks to a homeless person. Yes, the money might help a little, but only temporarily. The real need is relationship. The real need is for people to check in on us, invite us, keep us close, guide us. Our church – as a whole – has turned away from our family, while seemingly folding my ex-friend back in (one of her parents is an elder, another is a teacher). It is betrayal by a faith community I loved and invested in for over 15 years. We have needed relationship with these people as our family has navigated trauma. Let’s just say they “socially distanced” themselves, never to return.

    I know others who feel similarly betrayed by their churches, due to divorce, suicide, identifying as LGBTQ, etc. When is the right time to say something? Because the kind of change I am seeking in our culture and our Christian churches will require truth being spoken.

    • I am so sorry, and this is a terrible injustice. Without my rector (female leader of a progressive Episcopalian church), I would never have made it through. She taught me about boundaries, and grief/sadness/anger. When I felt completely lost and rudderless, she told me I didn’t need direction: I just needed to “drop an anchor”. That was the beginning of healing for me. Juniper, we do need to speak truth to power, and that includes teaching folks how to handle trauma like divorce within their congregations, and to meet all people where they are, just like Jesus and the woman at the well. We know the way of love and truth. Best wishes as you navigate the church you’ve been a part of, and as importantly, find a new church who will walk with you.

      • Thank you, FF. Drop an anchor. I love that.

        And what I would give for a female leader of a progressive Episcopalian church…

    • Our church encouraged me to wait-and-see for a year after he took off, which I think was a mistake, but they helped move us and generally were very supportive. After that, one of the elders encouraged me to get a kick-ass attorney, which I eventually did. We still attend that church.

    • Juniper, is there a less conservative church in your area you could join?

  • I wanted to send Schmoopie a knee pad like gardeners use. Too much time spent on her knees on those concrete floors in the closets at their workplace – she’s no spring chicken anymore – I was worried. Oh, with a card giving her the exact dollar amount of his half of the divorce settlement so she would could plan her timeline accordingly.

  • I wanted to sprinkle on FW’s shit that I packed off, some dust from Mucuna pruriens (wikipedia: notorious for the extreme itchiness it produces on contact), which grows in my neighborhood. Instead, I let the cats pee on it and sealed it in a plastic trash bag.

  • I wanted to call her husband, but didn’t.

    I wanted to send the AP screenshots of FW telling me he’d make a big mistake and knew the games she (AP) was playing, but I didn’t.

    I wanted to write a snarky entry in the book the nurses gave him when he retired, pretending to be the AP (a nurse), but I didn’t.

    I wanted to send an entire google doc of angry missives, but I didn’t.

    Now, about 2 1/2 years since D-day, I really have no desire to send him much at all, except maybe a note to tell him I’m doing better without him.

  • I wanted to leave the pictures of her walking around in our business wearing only a shirt and her big naked butt hanging out that I got off the security cameras. And pictures of her with only a bra and her back rolls. Put them in every drawer of the house when I moved out. I also wanted to send him the video of the two of them examining something they removed from her….uh….”down there” area under a microscope. Yes. You read that right. also a picture of him watching her as she was semi-squatting to try to look at said “down there”. I still don’t have any idea what was going on.

  • I was considering emailing one of his OW, with her own masturbation videos attached. She was sending them to my XH couple of times a week (daily nude stills were not enough). Luckily, I didn’t. The desired effect – shame – would not have been induced.

    To this day I have no idea how did she even manage to shoot this footage. Showing off her body (she is a personal trainer) and her sexual deviance seemed equally important to her. The close ups were so close, I had to throw up (and stop looking).

    There were many APs, one night stands and prostitutes. But of those I am aware of, this one stands out.’Her family seems lovely (based on their social media presence) and totally unaware of her passion for dirty cinematography.

    • It would be awesome to send her masturbation videos to her sweet social media family. (But don’t really!)

  • He told me that part of what he liked about the online AP he planned to marry was that she was a great writer who wrote poetry to him. She seemed illiterate, and her “poetry” read like a series of bizarre, unrelated one liners, for example, “I love you more than the brightest sun that shines high in the sky. Yo, bro, you da man dat I luv with da heat of the sun. If I could only have one life to live, I would cherish waking each day with you for eternity.” She emailed him about five to nine lines like this every so often. I ran them through google, and they were from collections like “Fifty-five ways to say good morning to your lover,” meant as one-liners, not intended to be sent together.
    On the other hand, for decades, whenever he traveled on business, I put post-it notes on his packed clothes, each with a hand-written, original poem relating to the trip, either the place or what he was going to accomplish. He told me he liked getting one in EACH piece of clothing, and like a dutiful appliance, I complied (although each pair of socks just got one note). Over the decades, he accumulated hundreds, maybe thousands of these notes, and while packing up his stuff, I discovered he saved them (along with some special occasion cards from family, good-bye cards from various jobs and some rather suggestive cards from his former secretary). I wrote my notes, so I kept them and mulled the possibilities. Initially, thought about burning, soaking or running them through a shredder and sending him the illegible ashy/sodden/confetti remains. That would keep feeding his ego, so recently I thought about doing something more productive, like making art pieces intermixing my handwritten original poems with the cut-and-paste typed plagiarized “poems” his catfisher sent, and exhibiting them. That might be cathartic, particularly since he HATES when I get public recognition for my work.

    • Good friend, that is so creative! I love it. I would so enjoy seeing that art installation- it would be equal parts healing and triggering for many people. I say go for it!

  • FW left himself logged into his gmail account on my laptop after Dday. I knew he used my computer but never thought to open his email – I was truly clueless. When I looked I discovered emails from intern/AP with sexy .gifs and suggestive text (“Let’s hit the hay! xoxoxo” with a .gif of a hot woman in lingerie swinging her hips.) I also discovered emails between him and another law firm – he was clearly looking to leave his current firm, knowing it would be uncomfortable when word got out about an affair with such a junior lawyer. I was THISCLOSE to forwarding the suggestive email to his potential new managing partner and the negotiation emails to his current managing partner. THISCLOSE.

    In the end, I did not because my kids need him to be employed.

  • On D-day I wanted to throw all of his things on the lawn, but the kids would see and it was almost Christmas.

    I was asked by his boss to send the messages proving that he was sleeping with a patient, in the office to the licensing board but didn’t because I had a messy divorce ahead of me and it was best for the kids that he stay employed.

    I fantasized about storming into the yoga class she led at our kids’ rec center and yelling some glorious things at her and exposing her since she boasted that she didn’t care about social norms and sleeping with a married man with kids, their love was special.

    I wanted to announce to the world exactly what he’d done since he was telling everyone a big false and reversed timeline (I was unhappy, we’re splitting up, I met someone, she’s angry and abusive) when he’d been cheating and having sex in public places for some time. It came out of the blue after supporting him and his career and silly sports more and more over time.

    It hit me like a Mac truck, but I lawyered up, got the house and the kids in the divorce, focused on our new life, and we are moving on without him in a much more peaceful life.

    • Glad you are doing well.

      It is tough when you were supporting them and helping them build their career, they they turn it all over to someone else to enjoy. Or at least that is their plan, it rarely works out as glorious as they intended.

  • Sometimes I still fantasize about sending the Chlorine Special the text exchange that the ex had with the Carrot Singer, indicating (but not explicitly stating) that I’d given her a black eye after an argument, when in fact it had been given to her by yet another guy during rough sex (supposedly, you never know with her).

    Then I remember that CS hadn’t become acquainted with Her Royal Fuckedupedness yet, which means it none of my business.

    Then I remember that CS just published his latest novel — according to the publicity machine, a “warm, funny, thoughtful” portrait of open marriage based heavily on his own experience — and I realize that the very best service I can provide for me, my daughters, and the world at large, is to do all I can to make sure the two of them to stay together forever.

    • Clarification: the CS referred to in the “then I remember” segments is the Chlorine Special (formerly known as Rider of the Purple Dildo) who is now my ex-fuckwit’s husband and problem. The Carrot Singer (also ‘CS’) was thrown out by his now ex-W a year after his dalliance with my ex and is spreading his weaselly germs elsewhere.

  • my X is an alcoholic. 600 bottles of wine from the cellar, emptied, delivered to his office with a note about how it felt to flush it down the drain.

    • When klootzak was in Portugal hooking up with an AP there, he bought a bottle of port. It was some very expensive super special kind and he treated it like a baby, keeping it well preserved for some worthy celebration someday. When I was 7 months pregnant and D-day hit, I started taking that bottle to let it sun bathe on the patio in the backyard. I would put it out there in the summer heat right after he left for work and bring it back in hours later. That bottle must be absolutely putrid. It’s still in his wine collection. I wish I could be a mouse in the corner to see his face when he tastes it someday.

  • Shortly before D-day he sent me a ridiculous video of him dancing in a yellow thong to a song called “Are You Ready for Love?”. On D-day, when looking at the phone logs, I saw that he sent the video to her first and then me.

    He admitted that he made the video for her, because she asked him if he could dance (he can’t), and thought I would like it too. His thongs were so stupid but I never told him that I didn’t find them sexy at all.

    I made sure to save that sucker, and boy did I want to blast it on social media.

    Instead, I quietly deleted everything on social media about him ( I never had relationship status, just some vacation pics and such), and blocked him and all his friends and family. I did privately message his family about his cheating before I blocked them.

    I still have the video but it no longer matters. He probably sent it to his newest fiance.

  • FW left most of his stuff behind when he finally ran off with her. I’m tempted to box it all up and drop it off at her place, with the strap on he wanted to be pegged with on top and a note telling her she’ll be needing this now. She’s super right wing conservative and I’m guessing would be horrified…

    I’d also like to write up my own UBT of her public Facebook page and post it somewhere, tagging everyone they know. She’s that hypocritical strain of Christian that loves to pretend to be morally superior to everyone else while not actually practicing said morals. E.g. most recent post:

    “Wrong is wrong even if everyone is doing it. Right is right even if no one is doing it.”

    So true! Doing my husband is wrong, even if everyone is doing him.

  • My FW STBXW’s life revolves around social media, in fact her AP(s?) reached out to her via Facebook. Shes always posting new profile pics and gets comments from her coworkers and friends like “Beautiful, inside and out,” or “Pretty lady with a great heart.” I so want to comment something like, “If you only knew, lol!” I always say Facebook is a dating site for married folk and the people that like to date them.

    • 100% yes agree Facebook is the dating site for married people and the people that want to date them. I should be using it for advertising as part of my job but I just cant….

    • My X, official as of last Tuesday, was doing the same stuff. Typical narcissist. Good luck with your divorce.

  • I wanted to mail her their box of sex toys and love letters covered in cat litter but I settled for making him write her a letter telling her he chose me and it was over. I had already filed for divorce and had him served once I dropped the letter in the mail.

  • My ex turned into a hoarder. He signed on (in the settlement agreement) to a deadline of 3 weeks after the divorce was finalized to get all of his crap out of the house. Of course he didn’t.

    I put some of his more valuable stuff on eBay. The thought briefly crossed my mind to let him know, to let him see pictures of “his” stuff (by then, legally mine) and possibly even bid on it. But I knew it would infuriate him.

    So instead, other people bought it and the money I made covered my divorce attorney fees.

  • My fantasy was totally pedestrian: to forward the icky emails between Shmoops and FW and photos taken of them by a couple workplace whistleblowers to everyone at FW’s and Schmoop’s firms.

    The whistleblowers had shared the incriminating pix with me and deferred to my judgment on whether to take it further in a professional sense. I decided against the latter because of the kids. FW could have been fired= less child support. And besides, the whistleblowers only knew what many below a certain echelon at these firms knew because the AP had a big mouth. The AP would periodically drunkenly whine or brag to pals at work and both parties were like toddlers pissing in the pool and thinking no one could see what they were doing. It was satisfying enough to find out the affair and its participants were a running joke.

    The AP had interned at FW’s firm at the start but the AP moved to another firm as part of her not-so-secret long game (apparently only FW didn’t know) to get FW to dump his family and run off into the sunset with her. I assume her plan was to pretend as if they’d started up only after the demise of the marriage. Because this was happening in the middle of #MeToo, had the affair come out while she was at the same firm and while FW was still married, her rep would have been mulch, her fundamentalist parents would be outraged and might have stopped supplementing her income and FW could have lost his job and, oh noes, had less money for the AP to bilk. I gathered she had a dream of them being a professional power couple in the future.

    It was also satisfying to let FW know his colleagues were mocking him and to let the AP know indirectly that her “pals” betrayed her. Oh the paranoid hysteria and shrieking that ensued! But there wasn’t much hopium to be gotten out of the brutal way FW dumped the AP because it was so obviously done out of self preservation and anger that the AP had been blabbing and playing bait and switch– pretending to be “cool” about a no strings fling while in fact planning his divorce and their wedding. FW was misogynistically disappointed that the AP turned out not to be a deferential boneless groupie awaiting his every command! It even spoiled any Pickme pageant he might have had planned for me in which he’d exhort me to be more boneless, forgiving, indulgent, accomodating and passive to compete with the AP. But oops, she turned out to be none of those things.

    In the end it was humiliating enough for both of them. I felt like Sharon Stone in The Quick and the Dead riding away from the burning cowboy town. My mother was never particularly religious but she would always say of bullies and bastards, “Leave them to God.” In her long experience, the worst people tend to get their just desserts eventually.

    It’s not much of a consolation prize in the short run after having your life blown up but a little comeuppance doesn’t hurt. That’s why I have difficulty not advising chumps to get a wee little bit of revenge even if it’s just getting a coven of friends together and lampooning the cheaters. It helps to lace the trauma with something that makes you laugh later as long as this doesn’t increase the entanglement, damage kids or compromise a good settlement.

  • I sent nothing. Voldemort is a sociopath. I’m lucky I lived through this. To this day, Voldemort is *still* sure I never knew anything and I was the perfect dupe. That’s why I’m still alive. Let this be a lesson to those who come after. Peace out, happy Friday.

  • My FW cheated on me extensively, but was also playing 4 hentai porn games on discord, 1 with a lolichan character where the objective of her plot point is basically to groom her, and 3 with incest themes. This cost him custody of our daughter down the road, but he told all our neighbors I took his daughter away for “watching porn” and they believed him and give me the dirtiest looks imaginable when I see them at the grocery store or outside in my yard now. He convinced them he was watching normal porn and that I exaggerated the evidence to get our daughter to myself. I wanted to send every last one of them a copy of the divorce petition with all the incriminating screenshots I found, including the screenshot I took of his search for “Teen dating app” around the time he was being sketchy and buying our teenage neighbor all sorts of gifts. He even bought her a $30 bong that I stole from him before he could give it to her because, asshole, your wife would have liked a nice new bong instead of that kid you’re being weird with! I’m moving as soon as he signs the divorce papers. Later on all those neighbors ended up hitting on FW/ trying to get him to sleep with them, so living here is just a hot mess of betrayal and disgust I don’t need or want in my life anymore.

    • I wonder if the day conventional towns accepted help from Pornhub to plow streets in winter (really happened) was the day watching porn became conventional de rigueur. How Huxleyan. Definitely get out of there. Pretty soon they’ll form a pube-waxing committee and show up at your house with a tape measure, wax strips and magnifying glass.

  • I really wanted to send his new victim the emails from him from when he first met her, and from when he was moving in with her, when he still wanted to reconcile with me, that he loved me, that he didn’t love her (yet). He admitted that he lied to her when he said he was over me. She was convenient – beautiful house close to his job. He was getting sex, and he didn’t have to live alone. He was using her, pretending to love her. She was a soft landing for him.

    But nah – he didn’t cheat on me with her; she wasn’t the AP. She is innocent, she was seduced like I was. it’s not my place to warn her and burst her bubble.

  • They aren’t married yet so I haven’t had the chance but at one time I thought it might be fun to send a wedding gift of two books. One from some smarmy cheater writer about cheater love and how it’s ordained by the universe and lasts forever with a note saying “For Now” and also a copy of LACGAL with a note saying “For Later”

  • I wanted to send him a copy of the new mortgage deed indicating that I am the sole owner of the house we once owned jointly. Which, after calculations for unpaid child support and other miscellaneous goodies I’d been paying for on my own, the judge in our no-fault state awarded to me despite the whining of FW’s “men’s rights” attorney.

    But nah.

    • ETA: I was also tempted to send a copy of the divorce decree with financial details to FW’s Mommy, a “feminist”, who paid for her little boy’s shyster.


  • I agree. I have been in the middle of typing a reply and the site suddenly refreshes (it appears to me to be ad-related) and what I had typed is all gone. It happened again today.

    • CL has explained tjat the adds are necesary to maintain the blog and kinks are still being worked out so I’m patient with these kinds of kinks (and certainly prefer them to FW-style kinks). If you post by laptop, ads aren’t an issue and comments don’t disappear. It can also help to type comments/replies in your phone’s notes and then copy/paste in the mean time.

  • I was told FW was posting on Instagram and FB passive aggressive stuff about how she was a victim, the typical gaslighting shit. Her flying monkeys were joining in. Some friends sent me screenshots of her posts because I am not on IG and rarely use FB.
    I wanted to post a screen shot of LACGAL with a brief review “I would hope you never need this but Great book if you have a spouse that has committed adultery”

  • One week after the third and final D-Day, I walked past his car, which was of course his pride and joy. It was parked on a quiet street, there was no-one around, and I was carrying my son’s scooter.

    I put my head down and walked so fast because I knew if I slowed down that scooter would have gone through the windscreen.

    I didn’t know about CL and Mr CL’s maxim then (hence the 3 D-Days) but I retained enough sanity to know it wouldn’t have been a good idea.

  • I can’t remember wanting to send anything to the ex. He’s not worthy of my attention. I confess to wanting to send things to his new wife who was not the other woman. Mostly an anonymous note detailing the moment there was an accidental HIPAA violation and I heard his doctor ordering a full STD panel + Herpes. Eeeewwwwwww. (But maybe they have an open marriage. I don’t know. It’s not my circus.)

  • Silence and inaction are power.

    Don’t educate the enemy.

    If I maintain my integrity and stay on the high road, I reinforce my position as the wronged party.

    Anything you do or say can and will be used against you.

    Never interfere when your enemy is making a mistake. (Napoleon)

    My Higher Power specializes in way better consequences and I get to keep my hands clean.

    If I act and speak superior to them, I am superior to them.

    Wait 24 hours before responding. Call a trusted friend and vent.

    These are some of the reminders I use to stay on the high road, a beautiful and safe place inaccessible to liars, cheaters, and thieves.

  • I’ve wanted to send a lot of shit….and, I admit, in the beginning sometimes I slipped and did. Now, I take Mr. CL’s advice “if it feels good, I don’t do it.” I started listening after I realized no matter how I tried, it didn’t matter. And, I now use this mantra with almost everything in my life.

  • I found the 22 year olds thong in ex’s closet. I packed it up and sent it to her father and asked him if he would return it to her. I know I went low … but it felt awfully good! 🙂

  • I wanted to send him a dead fish.

    My kids wanted to send him a glitter bomb.

    Maybe we should have sent both—I’d love to imagine him cleaning up the stinky mess 🙂

  • After years divorced and no contact with FW except for business related to our now-adult son, I recently got a text from him at 3:00 a.m. telling me that the best days of his life were a specific vacation he described that we took as a family and golfing together as a family. I soooooo wanted to text back and say “How odd that you destroyed the family you were having so much fun with. And thanks so much for ruining every single memory I have of those times, but it’s so nice YOU have fond memories at least. Oh – and I wouldn’t have seen your text so early except that I was already awakened by the loud motorcycle in the street in the neighborhood we were forced to move to after you blew up our family and we had to sell our dream home in the best neighborhood in our city, but again, I’m so happy for your fond memories.” Of course I didn’t text back because I realized he was only texting because he had a sadz, either from breaking up with a current woman, or he was drinking again, or whatever. I knew if I engaged him, he’d only call me bitter or in some way make me feel worse, so I finally got smart for once and didn’t respond at all.

  • I seriously considered boxing up the sex toys I found in his bed side table (ones I’d never seen nor made use of) and sending them to shmoopie at work but figured why bother.

  • My ex’s mistress publicly shamed the woman who had apparently been shtupping her husband. Something along the lines of “What kind of woman screws a married man?” Ummm…WHAT, now? I don’t regret not responding at all years later. God, it was hard to sit on my hands a decade ago, though.

  • My EX had a conversation so full of lies on FB it was funny….sort of. The plus side is I found it the night he moved to another state to be with AP. Made me look at the situation differently and while sad was determined to be done /grey rock.

    The really bad part is he made up huge beyond belief stories about our adopted son and how he got to us. Crazy wild lies. Proved to me what a box of rocks this woman is.

    I really really fantasized sending her the legal proof….and I didn’t.

    When the karma bus his and she kicked him out when he wasn’t the man of money he sold her (he didn’t really work, the little he did he kept) and he had to live in a pup tent it was priceless.

    By then I wanted to send her a thank you card….and no I didn’t. She’s bat sh$)(t crazy.

    • “she kicked him out when he wasn’t the man of money he sold her (he didn’t really work, the little he did he kept) and he had to live in a pup tent it was priceless.”

      That’s one of the best FW karma stories I’ve ever heard. A pup tent! ????

  • The only thing I did that I regretted was to sell the wood stove that we had used for a few years. It was a nice one and I got three hundred dollars. The house had a gas furnace when we bought it but he in his usual anal fashion yanked it out because he hated that gas company, because his dad hated the gas company.

    Replaced the gas stove with the wood stove and he kept the wood pile supplied. I learned to build a fire like a pro.

    I didn’t do it to screw him over, I did it to gather as much money as I could. I was awarded all the stuff in the house in the legal separation, so I sold everything I could not use. (He got the car and all his tools, most of which I bought for him as gifts).

    I expected to be divorced by mid summer, but he did a delay and I was there for one more winter. Froze my ass off. We had electric baseboard heat, but they really didn’t do the job.

  • I definitely wanted to send your book (and didn’t), and I’ve wanted to send about a zillion emails. I had such a strong desire to make him SEE, see what he was losing, see what he was doing to us, see how much he was hurting me and the kids, see his own messed up brain. Alas. On some level, I knew he’d never get it. So, instead of sending all those emails, I wrote them in a Word doc and there they sit, unsent, unread, and very easily deleted.

  • When I finally received the discovery in my divorce I found that my husband had been paying for “Tinder Plus” each month since he was over 30 and I guess needed more swipes? What’s even more funny is how the OW thought she was so special having stolen a married man and she flaunted on social media how committed to each other they were. During the holidays I saw a Christmas tree ornament that said Tinder on it. I was so close to buying it and sending it to them as a gift.

  • I wanted to send his cheating partner a thank you note on their wedding day, with a list of therapists and legal resources that she is 100% gonna need as soon as he takes off his mask. Then it occurred to me that she got exactly who she deserved. Bye, Felicia! 🙂

    • I agree. Whore got exactly what she deserved, maybe even more shit than she deserved; but at least she knew what he was when she picked him up, I didn’t.

  • I recently discovered that my husband slept with his “howorker” when I was 8 months pregnant. He is not currently staying in our house. I am suspicious he is staying with her and I have a strong desire to do recon because I feel like I need another nail to put in the coffin before officially getting divorced. He is excellent at blameshifting and playing the pity card, do I need more evidence to prove to him he’s the bad guy? Please talk me out of it…or don’t.

    • forget it stealth. he does not have that gear in him that switches to giving a shit.

    • SIGS, you don’t need to prove it to him. He already knows he’s guilty and by the sound of it is probably not going to admit it no matter what you do. However, you may need to prove it to yourself in order to let go. If that’s the case, get the evidence and use it to propel yourself forward to divorcing his sorry ass. Blameshifting and manipulating you is enough of an offense to divorce him for even if he isn’t still seeing her. Fuckwits who cheat on a pregnant wife are the lowest of the low. A person who would do that is beyond redemption.

    • Stealth – the consensus is proof of cheating rarely impacts divorce settlements. Speak with a lawyer – it’s a better investment of your time and money.

  • I wanted to send an email to her mother about her drug problem but didn’t. I wanted to send a letter to her first husband and the father of her children telling him that she wanted me to lie to her children about her drug use. I wanted to send a letter to her mental health counselor about her continued drug use but didn’t. The reason I did not send letters is because I’ve already told them over and over again and not a single one of them cares or believes me because she is such a good liar. I’d have stayed with her and worked to get her into treatment but she lies to me and last year she ran away on a drug bender and spent 5 days with an ex boyfriend/drug companion. There’s nothing to work with here. But I’m a chump and keeping hoping something will change in her.

    • Al-anon or Nar-anon are wonderful 12-step based programs for family members. Many chumps have a streak of co-dependence and these groups offer local, strong and effective support. Great for setting and keeping healthy boundaries.

  • I wanted to forward an email to his family that included the phrase that he was “desperately tired of masturbating.” Mind you, he even did it in our shared office while my mom and I were in the living room, and left the evidence for me to have to clean up. Beyond gross.

    • Yeah, gross. My FW used to do it while my grandmother was visiting.

      Surprised that any of them ever gets “desperately tired of masturbating.”

  • To Schmoopie: All the female “first names only” entries from his phone register. One or two in each country.
    To a judge: Schmoopie’s and Cheater’s exchanges about buying a flat. With my money.
    I got the money back. She got the “prize”.

  • Evidence to his Schmoopie (secret babymama and now wife) of:

    1. His torrid work-toilet-in-the-basement affair with his male gym buddy
    2. His special night of passion with one of the very young male bar staff at his local
    3. His romantic station kiss with Schmoopie’s very young and vulnerable direct report

    All within six months of FW and Shmoopie finding twu love. God knows what he’s up to six years later.

    I leave it well alone, but it makes me smile every now and then. Then I remember there’s a kid, and feel guilty for the schadenfreude.

  • When my sister recently told me that the AP my ex monkey branched to (when I left him nearly two years ago) was *still* regularly creeping on her Instagram, I wanted to email him to request he tell that “scary stalker” (his words) he was fucking and cheating on me with all those years ago to leave my sister alone — without letting on that I knew this stalker became his girlfriend the week after I moved away. (I heard she moved in with him within months, then left him last winter, but who knows with their toxic cycle.) I didn’t and won’t, because I’m far too meh— and wise — to break NC on behalf of a disordered fuckwit and a manipulative, invasive stranger. Hope he’s enjoying his smug, spoiled, sneaky young prize.

    When I first learned about the “new” GF, it was hard not to let everyone know her real deal or to share the evidence of their cliched treachery from the previous several years. I also had to resist the urge to send this AP evidence of FW’s other “loves” (me included) during that time and of the ways he’d trashed her to me after dday. (He really threw her under the bus and was not kind about it, even claiming she’d practically raped him and was so fucked up and so abused in childhood that he’d wanted nothing to do with her within weeks of knowing her, except she was threatening suicide and other things so he was afraid to cut her off.) It was especially hard for me to maintain this restraint the day that I caved and skimmed through clips from his YouTube channel—gushing videos that showed her and my gardens and the house I’d been building, along with adoring comments from his many followers. A couple of screenshots would’ve shown everyone how abusive and duplicitous these two happy new sweethearts are in real life, the polar opposite of FW’s wholesome, earnest, charming image. (It’s darkly, comically ironic, really.) That day, I just reminded myself that their drama wasn’t mine and that my newfound awareness of reality allowed me to choose to stay above and out of it. I’d never willingly participated, and I wasn’t about to start. And while FW had forced this person (and others) upon me through deception and coercion, I realized that I did not need to even dignify her existence. Even if I hadn’t been personally and intentionally hurt by her, I’d have no interest in knowing someone like that.

    Who knows how this one got my sister’s name or how she found her Instagram. I don’t have social media, and my sister goes by her husband’s last name. My little niece and nephew are superlatively cute, so maybe I should give stalker shmoopie the benefit of the doubt…? Otherwise, if she’s hoping to see me—weird, but why else would she be snooping there—she won’t because my family and friends respect my wishes for online privacy. Besides, I wouldn’t care if she did see me. She would just see that I’m a normal, attractive, active and social person, not at all the insecure, pathetic ogre my ex made me out to be. Add fuel to her pathological insecurity and her delusional, covert, one-sided competition—*with* a person who until recently didn’t know she existed, *for* an entitled, cowardly cheater who is for all intents and purposes dead to me.

    • Can your sister block her? It’s gross to think of her looking at pictures of her kids. Maybe she even has designs on your sister’s husband. I’d put nothing past her and certainly
      wouldn’t give her the benefit of the doubt.

      • Thanks, OHFSS. She definitely doesn’t have designs on my sister’s husband and it’s highly unlikely they’d ever meet, although I wouldn’t be surprised if I learned my sister’s husband is a cheater, elsewhere (constant devaluation of my sister, lopsided relationship, lots of time on computer in basement, had a huge porn problem early in their relationship). I agree that it’s creepy she looks at my sister and her family, although I’m pretty sure it’s not about them and don’t think she’s dangerous or a pervert. I think it’s just her insecurities and games, though I’m shocked she’d even worry about me considering how FW went scorched earth and how I went NC with him, his family and all mutual friends. I haven’t been within a mile radius of my former home since she came back around, and we’ve never met or been in contact. As for blocking, don’t know how it works with Insta and will ask my sister how this stranger has access to her page.

  • I wanted to contact the charity he volunteered at, which promotes family, and tell them that the man on their board of directors and who was running an adult social group for autistic people, was a liar, a cheater, and an abuser, who secretly despises autistic people (I am autistic, and he used it as a biting insult against me on more than one occasion, saying he didn’t believe I was autistic, I was “just and idiot”), and not only that, but his mistress was volunteering there as well.

    I wanted to contact his job and tell them that he and OW had been an item before she started working there and since she was technically his subordinate, they’d violated all kinds of policies.

    I wanted to contact OW’s husband and tell him he should probably protect his kids from my abusive ex and OW, who had tried to commit suicide while the kids were in the house (but FW got her an ambulance in time, and she spent some time in a psych ward).

    I wanted to contact all my “friends” who sided with FW, and send them some of his abusive text messages and tell them that he and OW hadn’t just started dating, they’d been fucking for several years while we were still married.

    I did none of these things. I decided to just walk away from all of those people.

    I did send OW a message after my ex died (suicide), when she was for some unknown reason trying to be my friend or something, like we had a shared tragedy that made us buddies (or maybe she just desperately wanted to stay relevant, who knows, it was weird), and told her exactly what I thought of her. Then I blocked her phone number and email. It was satisfying, though I doubt it had any effect on her.

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