Will He Commit After the Baby Is Born?
Hi Chump Lady,
My soon-to-be-ex started acting distant mid-March (2022) and moved to a spare bedroom.
Two weeks later I discovered his affair: He was on a plane to meet his new affair partner that he met online two weeks prior. I was 33 weeks pregnant at the time.
He has always wanted to move to South Carolina (we live in Connecticut)… and he flew to South Carolina to meet this new AP.
I literally caught him in the act while he was flying to meet her (via emails and cell phone records). He said he was sleeping at his Air Force base for work.
Over the next few weeks, chaos ensued. I messaged her, her family, his family, his work.
Due to him being in the Air Force he’s now claiming that he is “going to be asked to relocate.” Wouldn’t you know it…. to South Carolina. He claims all of the bases closer to Connecticut “aren’t hiring for his position.”
We also have a toddler (2). Every time I see him he cries that he misses his family, but then ends up saying mean crap to me about how I didn’t love him enough. He says we have different love languages. I did everything for that man, financially, cooked, cleaned, planned fun date nights. He says all he wanted was respect and for me to listen to him more.
I’m now 39 weeks, and the closer I get to my baby being due, he’s starting to panic. Says confusing things about getting back together, but then follows it with “how will we ever have sex?” “How will we get the love back?”
I know there is a special place in hell for men who cheat on pregnant wives…. But my question is:
Have you seen men do a 180 and become a unicorn after the baby is born? Should I ignore his “missing the family” bull crap? Should I ignore him when the baby is born if he tells me he “really wants to reconcile”?
Thank you!
Sarah
***
Dear Sarah,
You can do this without him. All the things.
I’m just going to cut right to the heart of it, because I know you’re 39 weeks pregnant, plus toddler. And you can’t shower, and you can’t sleep, and you need to pee every 15 minutes because there is a baby sitting on your bladder. You’re looking down the barrel at imminent child birth. Pain. Maybe some episiotomy scars. Bleeding. Milk coming in. And then an infant latched to you like a barnacle. A beautiful barnacle, but a barnacle. And you won’t be feeling beautiful. You might have burst a couple blood vessels in your eyes from pushing. You’ll have an abdomen of silly putty for months. Maybe years. Maybe for the rest of your life. And stretch marks.
All of which you endured to bring two lives into this world.
And he wants to know:
How will we ever have sex?
With a spiny cactus up your ass, you m*therf*cker.
I hate him for you, Sarah. His cruelty and his selfishness. But most of all I hate that you’re vulnerable to him.
I cannot fix fuckwits, and neither can you. But we can totally get your head straight and steer you towards safety.
Due to him being in the Air Force he’s now claiming that he is “going to be asked to relocate.” Wouldn’t you know it…. to South Carolina. He claims all of the bases closer to Connecticut “aren’t hiring for his position.”
Do not relocate. That will isolate you further. Do you have family you can move in with? Have you confided in them? You need a support system and legal help, stat. Do NOT tell him your plans. Just start making them. Some military chumps here I hope will speak up to what sort of support systems exist on base for you now.
We also have a toddler (2). Every time I see him he cries that he misses his family, but then ends up saying mean crap to me about how I didn’t love him enough.
There’s no “enough” with these freaks. Do not waste another second of your life trying to please someone who would CHEAT ON YOU WHEN YOU WERE PREGNANT. Has he rubbed two brain cells together about how much love he’s shown YOU? Raising his toddler and gestating another human being? Does he have an iota of shame?!
He says we have different love languages.
You have to have love to speak a love language. He is devoid of it.
He says all he wanted was respect and for me to listen to him more.
He is abusive, Sarah. Your whole letter sends off alarm bells for me. Please don’t think we’re overreacting here at CN. Remember the woman and children stuffed in the oil tank? She was inconveniently pregnant too and her husband “panicked.”
Respect is EARNED. He is not your master. Healthy relationships are based on reciprocity. Where is his respect for YOU? For his family? Oh right, it’s sleeping on base.
Have you seen men do a 180 and become a unicorn after the baby is born?
No. And there are literally millions of stories here.
Please put down the hopium pipe. Another child is not going to improve this man. He’s shown you who he is.
Should I ignore his “missing the family” bull crap?
Yes. I don’t know where he is right now, South Carolina or the spare bedroom, but you need to go no contact. Lean on your family and friends, and seek legal help, and counseling for YOU alone.
Do not beg, chase, question, or speak to him in any meaningful way. Focus on getting through birth right now. He doesn’t miss his family. He fears consequences. That’s not the same as loving you.
I know this seems daunting and overwhelming. What you “need” from this man can be extracted legally — child support, health insurance, division of assets. Everything else is toxic and is creating MORE of a burden in your life. Getting rid of him will be addition by subtraction.
Should I ignore him when the baby is born if he tells me he “really wants to reconcile”?
If? This is the hopium speaking.
If he wants to do something, he can give you a fair and generous divorce settlement. He can stop verbally abusing you and blameshifting his wandering dick issues.
But we’re dealing with a man who cheats on his pregnant wife, so he’s NOT going to do the honorable thing.
Please protect yourself and your babies. We’re here for you.
Please listen to CL. Call your family and friends to support you. Call 2-3 lawyers STAT! Have your most trusted friend or family member attend the interviews with the lawyers. You need someone to take notes for you , as you are emotionally traumatized and pregnant. The best advice is to go NO CONTACT w your Fuckwit husband. Hugs.
Make sure it is an attorney experienced in military divorce!!
Yeah, agreed. Don’t let him “pick” again. He already picked; first he picked you, then he picked SC; let him live with the decision….or not. He didn’t like the outcome of his first “pick” (eyeroll, not really), let’s see how great the second “pick” goes. What were the reqs again? Oh yeah, to be a resident of South Carolina lolololol. There are a few folks here who could probably place some bets based on their own real world experiences.
Don’t fight it; let him go; you will thank yourself later 🙂
“There’s no “enough” with these freaks.”
Truth. My exFW laid all the blame for his affairs in my lap as well. I was never enough for him, didn’t do enough for him, didn’t love him enough, etc.
His first affair (that I know of; I’m sure there’s more) was a few months after our second child was born. Your letter touches my heart. Except for the job (army stuff?) your situation is very much like mine was. Two babies in diapers under my wings and a husband who was feathering his nest elsewhere with another bird. It was…one of the worst times of my life. I don’t know how I would have survived if it wasn’t for my babies. Having to take care of them meant I had to take care of myself. Single motherhood forced me to put one foot in front of the other and not give in to despair.
Will he change after a second baby? No. He’ll get worse, if that’s possible. That’s been my experience.
Run, do not walk, away. You’ve got this. It’s hard (really hard) but single parenting rocks and is so much better for your mental health than co-parenting with a lying FW. You’ve got this. Stay close to your friends and family support system. Begin the paperwork (when you have time and energy) to sever yourself from your ex. Better days are ahead.
Same situation here – my fuckwit cheated and got the whore pregnant while I was still on maternity leave. Fourleaf has it absolutely correct, it will get worse until you are free. Do not imagine that asshole has a heart or that your beautiful children will help him truly see what he lost. Please do not model dysfunction for your babies. You are strong and you and your two little muffins are a full and complete family.
I just got home from signing the final divorce papers. It hurts, but I was made for this kind of breaking because scars are the strongest parts of us.
Mine was finalized today by judge also it is Tuesday and my birthday. But I have healing to do
Congratulations DrChump????
Well done! And Happy Birthday ???? You deserve it. What a great present!
I saw my lawyer yesterday (Tues) to sign the divorce application to be filed at the Family Court and then served on FW. I still have some healing to be done but we’ll all get there????
Welcome to divorce-land. It kinda sucks, but then it doesn’t.
Congrats on getting to this point.
I love your last sentence. This is the wisdom that keeps me committed to this circle ❤️
Yes to everything you wrote. I just want to add that blaming the chump is especially evil and abusive. It’s gaslighting.
And that sad part is that in our weakened states when our self esteem is in the crapper, we may think that the cheater has a point. “I guess I *should* have worn that thong, praised him more, lost (or gained) weight, bought the right kind of cereal, not fallen asleep during that movie….etc” It’s ridiculous.
Blame shifting=gaslighting=abuse.
Regarding perpetrators’ tendency to manically victim-blame, I post the study/paper below a lot because just the context alone is a big eye opener. While the RIC establishment tries to paint cheaters/abusers as poor wuv/sex-addicted sad sausage victims, studies like this draw a far more chilling parallel. So in case anyone has idly wondered, “Hmm, what do cheaters and serial killers have in common?”, Google this publication and title: mdpi-res.com + Societies + “Denying the Darkness: Exploring the Discourses of Neutralization of Bundy, Gacy, and Dahmer” by Veronyka James, Department of Criminology and Criminal Justice, Shenandoah University,
It makes a great argument that the most reliable mark of perpetrators of all stripes is their ornate system of rationalization, one aspect of which is to blame their own victims and, as a logical extension of this, to see themselves as victims of their victims. Ornate rationalization plus frothing self pity= danger. Researchers speculate that this thought loop of rationalizations isn’t just handy for “neutralizing” a sense of culpability for past deeds but paves the way for future ones because the perpetrator can be assured that they won’t suffer from the guilt or self-punishment that would stop any normal person from planning and committing heinous acts. I thought that part was so interesting: a person might not even THINK about doing horrible things simply because they aren’t armed with a rationalization system sufficient to quell guilt for committing these things. But if someone has that system oiled and ready, they may become very imaginative in planning horrendous acts. It’s like fuel for a criminal machine.
In retrospect I notice that there was something really mesmerizing about the degree to which FW in my case seemed thoroughly convinced of his own fabricated rationalizations and the idea that I had done terrible things to him that, in his mind at least, made his cheating, endangerment, control, abuse and financial bilking completely justified. His conviction and commitment to his DARVO (deny/attack/reverse victim/offender) narrative stunned me silly before D-Day. Like an Oscar-winning method actor, he sold his performance so hard that he believed it himself (it helped that he rehearsed it with flying monkeys and a shitty therapist first) and, at least for a short period (but long enough for the damage to sink in), I nearly believed it. I really hadn’t been keeping score of past disagreements back then so it took a long time to piece things back together to figure out that he’d been wearing me down with all sorts of unsettling behavior until I was jumpy as hell and all raw nerves, then he’d bait me into disagreements, then use those disagreements as grounds to paint me as a terrible person and paint himself as a princess in a tower being held captive by an ogre.
From the moment he decided he was going to cheat and began sniffing around the workplace for doorknobs, I was boiled like a frog until I didn’t know which end was up or who started what. But reading over old texts and diary entries, I began to see what he had done in stark relief. Even with all the manipulation, his charges against me were vague and idiotic– that I wouldn’t let him watch Survivor (seriously), that I’d always made him feel like a bad husband (which he was), that I’d “broken” him with criticism. He was doing his damnedest to demonize me and this was all he could come up with?? Funny (now, not back then).
As they say, every accusation from a narcissist is a confession. Turns out he was holding me hostage, robbing me of agency, financially controlling me, nitpicking everything about me until my self esteem collapsed like a flan, breaking me, etc. What’s also funny in retrospect is that I now occasionally wish I’d been WAY more bitchy to him and way less loving than I had been in reality. It sometimes amuses me to think of how easy it would have been to tear down his pea sized ego through systematic nitpicking and that it would be better to be hung for a sheep. But only sometimes because that’s really not who I am. I don’t bait people or systematically attack their self esteem as a rule and I’ve got the solid relationships with my kids and the mutual social support system to show for it. I simply lack the internalized justification system that would quell and neutralize guilt for mistreating people. Thank God for that. But it still took understanding the mechanism to be liberated from the effects of it precisely because I’m relatively normal and not immune to being guilted.
You’re dead on with this comment. It’s so true, all of it. Their accusations are definitely confessions. My ex accused me of being incestuous. I didn’t argue with him much after he talked of killing me but that was one I demanded to know WTF he thought he was talking about. He stammered out some lame story about how I had a crush on one of my father’s friends when I was a little girl and that made me incestuous. No. What it was really about is he and his girlfriend like to dress her up like a baby and role play that he’s raping his toddler daughter. He wanted to be incestuous so he accused me of it.
I had to laugh at you wishing you’d been more bitchy to him. I started treatment and started getting healthy and thinking clearer about seven months before d-day. In that time, I started handing his shit back to him. He criticized my body (for the millionth) and I pointed out his gut and the fact that his t-shirts are too small and his gut hangs out the bottom of them like a toddler outgrowing his clothes and asked him if he really thought he had any room to judge.
He also did this thing where he demanded I put my purse in the backseat if I was driving. Normally, with a normal person in the car with me, I just put it in the center console between the driver and passenger seats. He would claim he couldn’t buckle his seat belt and he’d shove my purse around as if it was in the way and whine and bitch about how he couldn’t operate the seat belt because my purse was touching it. It didn’t block the seatbelt in any way. It sat between the seatbelt buckles easily with room to spare. One day I lost and screamed, “LOOK AT ME! I’M A STUPID FUCKING MORON WHO CAN’T OPERATE A SEATBELT IF I CAN SEE A PURSE! IT TOUCHED ME! EW EW EW! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO OPERATE A SEATBELT IF A PURSE TOUCHES IT! OMG, THERE’S A PURSE HERE, I’VE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BUCKLE A SEATBELT!”
I went on for awhile. I lost it. I was pretty damn insulting. But I’d spent years very sick with him forcing me to get out of the car to put my purse in the backseat every damn time because he was offended by it’s presence. Then I’d have to go into the backseat to get it whenever I needed something. (I couldn’t reach over the seat because it was painful.) I had enough. I look back on that now and find it very funny. I wish I’d done things like that more.
KP– You reminded me of that stellar scene from Summer of Sam when the typically kind and accomodating Mira Sorvino character finally goes off on her cheating husband in the most spectacular way. Watch it again just for that diatribe. 😉
Fw also had me convinced I was completely unattractive and aging badly. It’s funny looking at pictures from the “affair era” when he was secretly drinking 14 hours a day and seeing how his hair was rapidly thinning and a drinker’s paunch was starting to cantilever over his belt. He had to lift his head for every shot to create the illusion of only one chin. He and the AP were both bloating themselves up on the family dime. Meanwhile I was getting way too thin from stress but otherwise looked okay. If anything I looked younger. But he had warped my perceptions at the time. Accusation= confession/projection.
What did he do/say when you said all of that? Your response is epic!!
Thank you!
A big fucking hug to you & all the chumps for all you went thru!!!
I’ve posted this before, but when my ex complained about his first wife the biggest example he had was that he worked “so hard” to provide for the family and she didn’t save him a chicken thigh for dinner. I can think of lots of reasons why his favorite piece didn’t get saved, and only one of them was deliberate malice, you know? He nursed that grievance for years, even after he’d divorced her and latched onto me. When he was devaluing me, a people pleasing codependent over-achiever with a high income job? I put too many ingredients in the ramen and he liked it plain.
I had too many miscarriages. That was my failing. It was actually due to the FUCKING CHLAMYDIA he gave me from the trampslut he was banging. They deserve a steamroller.
I had two tumors removed from my breast and was in pain from accidental damage to the nerve in my arm during surgery. I was also caring for my dying father and two children. He needed more attention since I was not meeting his needs.
I’m judgmental. And lazy. And not good at being nurturing to him.
Who was judging whom?
Lazy? Okay. I stopped doing housework. Seriously. Guess who had to pick up the slack. I’ll show you lazy
And nurturing stuff? Mommy issues anyone?
I parked his car in one day
I invited family on our vacations (his and mine). Also, “made” him pick up iced tea for me when he was at the grocery store. I guess I’ll burn alongside him in Hell for my transgressions.
I didn’t add enough chocolate chips to the cookie dough. #unforgivable
I didn’t lose the baby weight fast enough, “so he deserved something for himself.” #hiswordsstillcut
What an absolute ass, This Shit is NOT My Story. After my baby was born my estrogen dropped to abnormally low levels. This caused me to dry out like a desert. I couldn’t have sex. It was a temporary problem, but my ex thought it was the end of the world, and so, of course he had to start cheating on me because he had “needs”. Never mind that I “needed” to have sex too, but it was excruciating so I couldn’t do it for a few months. Instead of talking it through with me, trying different things sexually, waiting it out together and supporting me and our new baby, he bailed and had sex with hookers. And gave me an STD.
No, babies don’t cause fuckwits not to cheat- I think it sometimes brings on even more entitlement because the energy isn’t on them for awhile.
This whole topic is making me really angry ????
Ya I know I’m triggered by all the FW stories too!!!
“Run, do not walk, away. You’ve got this. It’s hard (really hard) but single parenting rocks and is so much better for your mental health than co-parenting with a lying FW. You’ve got this”
This 100%
I will send you some cactus. As much as you need. Men like this just piss me off. Go, run leave the ass. You’re going to have to go through this birth thing but you’re strong and can do it. I say just dive into the shit bucket all at once get it all over with and come out shining on the other end. We are here for you. You deserve so much more that this dick wandering pathetic person.
Sarah, I have a thirteen month old daughter, and even with the support of my husband, my parents, my in-laws, and all the siblings on both sides of the family, that time after kiddo was born was still an ass-kicking. I say this not to encourage you to take your STBX back, but to tell you to GET CLEAR. This man is actively sabotaging your and Junior’s health, and you’re going to need your wits about you after Junior is born. Please gather your tribe as best you can, and I’m sending you a hug.
Sarah, you immediately referred to him as your “soon to be ex.” Stick with that. You wrote that he started acting distant in mid-March. That may be when you first became aware of it. You say he wanted to move to SC. He didn’t conveniently find an AP there, he actively searched for one. He wanted a soft landing pad, and two weeks after finding one, he was on a flight to meet her.
I don’t know if you hoped to stop the affair or shame him by messaging her, her family, his family and his work, but consider it done and put the focus back on yourself, your toddler and the remainder of your pregnancy. This isn’t how it should be, but it’s what you have. Look for whatever support systems you can find, and read the archives here. Your cheater is not the kind of man you can ever rely on. You will find out that you are stronger than you know.
Sarah – You will receive excellent, loving advice today. Please quietly put together your support team (family, friends, lawyer, therapist, advocate, etc). And please believe your body will heal in months and your heart will heal in a couple years. The marriage and family can not ever heal with your husband. He broke it. Don’t let him break you.
Sarah, I think coming to terms with the devastating pain of blameshifting is one of the biggest challenges we face in recovery since so many of us are reflective people who want to be better. It’s cynical, abusive, and violent by nature. He has done violence to you and blames you for it. If you do anything, why don’t you get him a cactus with instructions on where to put it.
Sarah—I am so unbelievably sorry you are going through this. I was a military wife with my ex FW. We weren’t married very long but he manipulated the crap out of me with having to be at drill, wanting to change careers claiming it would all be for us and wanting us to relocate. Looking back I’m really happy I spoke up and said no to the relocation. I agree with CL, get out of this relationship. You can be a single mom and a badass, independent one. You deserve way better and you will one day get to your Tuesday and be proud you showed your kids that you deserve love and respect.
Also, side note: what is it with FW’s and the love languages thing?! My ex made us take the test and constantly brought up our love languages. He even had us download the app where you send your spouse a reminder that their love tank is empty. Vomit! Bet you can guess what his love language was…words of affirmation. He wanted to be praised CONSTANTLY! Yet, he was a lying piece of sh**. All FW’s really do use a similar script.
FWs also fall for the cheesiest claptrap and catch phrases in their mad hunt for rationalizations. I find these viral pop-psych concepts like “twin flame” and “love language” to be terrifyingly dumb.
Another dumb concept is the idea that anyone beyond seventh grade could be overcome by “wuv” and compelled to do shameful, hurtful things in the name of it. It’s embarrassing as hell. By my tweens I knew better than to admit to or invest in fleeting gonzo crushes. I’d keep that shit in check because even by that young age I knew those impulses typically lasted less than a few weeks or months before someone else caught my interest. If I wasn’t in danger of being exploited for believing I was head-over-heels, I was in danger of hurting the objects of it. By its nature that feeling is never real. It barely has any resemblance to real love.
HOAC, I totally agree. On the fuckwit’s computer I found him Googling, “When two empaths fall in love”, and “Can two empaths be compatible forever.” I was like, WTSF? I felt like I was looking at a high school girl’s journal. It was embarrassing. First of all, neither him, nor the sex slave GF are empaths-he has no empathetic bone in his body. He was that guy Chump Lady describes as stepping over my heaving body to microwave a hot pocket. If I had to guess, he’s a psychopath/sociopath and she’s a borderline. She is profoundly f’d up and she kind of wears it like a badge of honor. The fact that he believed he found his “empath” soulmate was incredibly sad to me. He just felt like the whole world was against him and his twu wuv, but he didn’t care at all that he hurt me and our daughter so profoundly. It’s really scary stuff as you suggest.
“Love languages” are a concept from a sketchy Christian self-help guru. They’re sort of useful in helping to bridge a communication gap when one partner’s attempts to show love aren’t being received that way. But they’re also weaponized by FWs. See, if the FW’s “love language” is physical touch, then you, the chump, are obligated to show your love by providing them with sex whenever and however they want it. “But doesn’t that mean the FW is supposed to show their love for me in my ‘love language’ which is fidelity and honesty?” Silly Chump! They don’t speak your love language!
I’ve read the book on Love Languages. Aside from all the Bible-thumping nonsense, it’s pretty bare standard advice that its author wildly blows out proportion in terms of its efficacy in healing relationships. To hear him, Love Languages are the cure for everything and anything that could possibly go wrong in any kind of relationship and that by learning the other person’s language you can magically turn your relationship into a 24/7 bliss party without any other work, ex. communication.
And look, I’m not saying that it’s a bad idea to understand that different people show and feel affection in different ways, but this author showed a profound ignorance for how dysfunctional relationships and people work, as it was never factored into his analysis and instead just assumed that knowing someone’s “Love Language” will always turn them from a grouchy old meanie into a purring kitten in your hand regardless of any deeper underlying problems in their part. It was all quite painfully naive sophistry that offered simplistic solutions to what could potentially be highly complex problems.
So it doesn’t surprise me that I see the five Love Languages being referenced time and time again in stories about dysfunctional relationships, cheating and otherwise. It usually involves one of the partners is constantly blaming all their shitty behavior on the other “not knowing their language” well enough, or one partner desperately spending all their energy on trying to fine-tune their language speaking and following the other around like a sad puppy trying to beg them to learn how to speak theirs when it is so, so clear that this relationship should have been taken out to the back of the shed with a shotgun years ago.
It was a cute idea that could have been a good exercise for people in already healthy relationships that got wildly oversold by its Christian conservative author and has since become a tool in the arsenal of FWs and hopium addicts everywhere.
The love languages guy is terrible. I’m so sick of hearing about his crap book being used against chumps.
https://medium.com/blunt-therapy/the-bigot-who-wrote-the-5-love-languages-hates-you-e2f65771a1c0
I couldn’t agree more. The Love Languages thing is a gimmick that exploits vulnerable people who are clinging to disrespectful partners because it hurts so much to end relationships. Abusers use it to elicit compassion for their bullshit behaviors. “If you understood me better and fulfilled my wishes, our relationship would succeed, and if it fails, it’s because you failed at loving me correctly.” Total pig crap.
I once knew a woman who got pissed at her husband at a party they were hosting because he wouldn’t eat a meal she prepared using ingredients she well knew he hated. Her argument was “cooking for others and seeing them enjoy what I made is my love language, and you don’t even care enough to eat what I cooked for you!” followed by storming out sobbing and slamming a door behind her (hoping he would follow and apologize, I’m sure).
He looked at me with pain in his expression and seemed unsure what to do. I said “Well, I don’t know about you, but one of my love languages is not eating shit I hate just because somebody else wants me to.” It got a sad chuckle out of him, and others. And he didn’t follow her, at least that one time.
I sometimes think of this and find myself hoping he has a better life now.
Sometimes the question isn’t whether we should “learn” to “speak” another person’s “love languages”, but instead it’s whether the things they want fit well or badly into our lives. Being emotionally blackmailed into doing things a person already knows I don’t like or want (or which will harm me) is very low on my “tolerable” list.
Yes! The love languages. Wtf!! FWs are only interested in their love language. Mine put poster on wall before d-day so we could all get along better. Huh?
Military chump here and it is difficult. You are probably somewhere away from family and scared. Screw him for doing this to you! I had my fourth child three weeks after moving to be near his mom who was terminal. Less than a month after birth he signed up for Ashley Madison and e harmony. Having the baby will not change his mind in a good way. Sounds impossible, but use the energy that’s being wasted on FW and take care of you and your little ones! Get a lawyer off base and keep records. He could relocate without you which would make divorce and custody a little bit easier. He may have been discovered by people at work and want to leave asap too. It is still frowned upon in most circles. Hugs going out to you!!
The x signed us up for the love language emails, which sent us weekly reminders during the second wreckronciliation.
He never did a single one of them, while I did all of them in addition to any- and every- other thing I could think of.
I foolishly asked about six weeks in whether he was getting the reminders. I truly thought that maybe either his email address was wrong or the emails were going into his junk mail. Blank stare and then he admitted that he was getting them, but “it was so hard”. But nothing else was “so hard” when it was beneficial to him.
It’s so true that they only care about their own love language.
The Love Language guy can bite me.
Also, had my fifth child and within 2 months started his hooker spree. The child stressed HIM out too much. New baby will not keep him faithful or trustworthy.
Let me guess DoublyChumped: he was frustrated that you weren’t speaking his LL effectively enough — or at all — not that he wanted to learn how to speak your LL better.
Fuckers.
Yes. 100% correct. Drained my energy and my patience
The military frowns upon adultery and could sanction him for it. Just be cognizant of the possibility that he could lose his job, along with any means of supporting you and your children. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. He’s a complete, irredeemable piece of shit.
The military usually DGAF about cheaters in their ranks unless there was fraternization or between a superior and his or her direct report. Military covers for cheaters. Waste of time. It rarely goes anywhere.
That might have been the old military. New military is they dont give a shit. Ex just retired with full honors as an officer after multiple affairs, some with lower enlisted and LTs. Also sprinkle in some sexual assaults, forced sex, DUIs, 3somes with other mil spouses. Had all the proof and him admitting and CID found nothing wrong.
In theory, yes the military doesn’t look highly on cheaters but to actually get them to do anything takes a lot of effort and evidence. (Ask me how I know. ????) Instead, I strongly recommend focusing on getting a lawyer and getting free from the fuckwit with as much parenting time as possible. Pick the important battles.
It’s not worth going through another court system. I thought about it in my situation but it wasn’t worth the struggle and prolonged exposure to the pain and his bullshit. Just lawyer up and get out as quickly as you can. He is a sinking ship. Get off the boat.
This right here. Former military spouse. If he is active duty and the AP is military as well. You can and should report them to the personnel office of whatever base they are attached too. But do this AFTER you’ve gotten a lawyer and a financial support plan. Because it is entire possible he may get discharged.
Listen to CL and everyone. I, too, had hopes that the baby would wake him up but it turns out he wasn’t asleep – just a fuckwit. My entire 2nd pregnancy he complained and said he “just isn’t that interested” the 2nd time around. Found out when she was 2 months old that he’d been having an affair the entire time and..surprise..many many before that. I tried everything and finally one day just gathered my community of people and sent him on his way. Be confused on your own time, dumbass- I have a toddler and an infant to raise. I am just grateful he didn’t do anything worse to me. Protect yourself and your babies and get away. I promise you will feel better and nothing is as glorious as not being responsible for some fuckwits happiness. Wishing you the best, mama.
“…nothing is as glorious as not being responsible for some fuckwits happiness.” ???? ???? ????✔
“‘He says all he wanted was respect and for me to listen to him more.’
‘He is abusive, Sarah. Your whole letter sends off alarm bells for me.'”
Yes. This is abuse. My ex was the same: demanding “respect” when he’d done nothing to earn it, and considering his opinions/wants/desires/decisions as ALWAYS superior to mine by default (even though most times they were not, particularly when it came to money).
You will be so much better off without this asshole. It will hurt, it will be hard, but think long game and get out now. No, it will not improve. No, crying about missing his family doesn’t mean he will change his behavior. Mine cried about missing me and then went straight to his mistress’ bed. It means NOTHING. He misses whatever it was you DID for him (you list quite a lot of things), NOT you. (Also FUCK the fixation on sex when you are so pregnant. “How will we have sex?” is such a selfish statement at this point. That was all my ex cared about too, even though I’d suffered both physical injury and emotional distress in a traumatic birth. He also criticized my post partum body, hated that I was breastfeeding the baby because it took time away from him. He was angry that I needed time to recover, that I was exhausted. That I chose comfortable clothes instead of thongs (ouch!) and mini skirts to entice him. You don’t need that at all. Especially not with also having a toddler.)
You are worth so much more.
What is it with FWs and thong underwear? I hear that some women actually do find them comfortable enough to wear, but I find them torture. And FW criticized me for not being sexy enough for him. He also criticized my personal grooming habits, if you know what I mean…. I blame porn. He watched it daily and couldn’t get it up without it. He thought I should look like a porn actress, I guess. No thank you.
SC– He wanted you to look like a drug-addicted, abused and trafficked melted Barbie or like the former Eastern Bloc road-kill version of movie stars? I was on a feminist site for awhile where some of the very young members who’d unfortunately come of age during the explosion of streaming porn seemed to be almost lamenting that they didn’t look like porn actresses. I kept scratching my head over it. Who would want that? When I see the people involved in porn, I want to put them in a witness protection program, scrub the caked and spackled toxic makeup off them, get them in detox and on a nutrition program for a year and get them therapy for the nauseating trauma and misery that leaks out of their very pores. Tragedy isn’t sexy. There’s death around the margins of that entire industry.
OMG! He would laugh at the nickname I had for them,{ Butt flossers}. Yet all the porn fried his humor. He got mad once because I wouldn’t wear them.
Here’s the flip side to that SC — for years my FW detested the idea of thong underwear, made fun of it every chance she got, derided men who expressed liking seeing women wearing it, and said she appreciated that I had no interest in having her wear it (never did anything for me).
As soon as she dropped the open marriage bomb on me, what did she go out and buy? Like, in a 10-pack? . . .
And, as if on cue: “I finally feel sexy. You never wanted me to ever wear anything sexy.”
Empty shells posing as human beings.
Yeah, I tried wearing lingerie near the beginning of our relationship and he was like ‘so pedestrian’ then years and years later, I find out that he likes to look at the sexy ladies in their sexy things… etc etc It was all about control for him. Unless he said he wanted it from me then he wasn’t interested. F*CK him.
Mine mocked me for wearing lingerie, he said it was stupid and a waste of money, and he didn’t care about it at all and would rather just see me naked. Years later one of his complaints was that I didn’t wear it anymore. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. They just want an excuse to insult it.
OMG. So weird. I never made fun of it. I get why it’s sexy, but it’s just not for me. I guess that’s way too nuanced of an opinion for a FW. I now happily wear my comfy cotton briefs. 🙂
He’s definitely abusive. Read “Why does he do that?” by Lundy Bancroft. You’re going to see him on those pages. Here’s a link to read it for free: https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
I would have sworn up and down my ex husband was not abusive. An asshole at times, sure, but he never abused me. Yet I felt like shit so often… I blamed myself for everything. We fought, it was my fault. He said something mean, well, I don’t look the same as I did before I got pregnant. Everything was my fault and I did everything for him. And mine also wanted me to respect him more and be more submissive, i.e. listen to him more. I read that book and it was shocking to me because I literally saw things he had said and done on those pages. And suddenly a whole lot of things made sense.
He’s not going to change. It takes a huge amount of work for abusive men to change and they have to work really hard at it and have professional help. And they have to want to change so badly they go against their own best interests because being abusive benefits them. Look how he had a wife doing everything for him and he still feels entitled to complain and cheat on you. You don’t have a unicorn. If you reconcile, you will deeply regret it. Or, you may not live to regret it because he may escalate. Like I said, I would have never called my ex husband abusive during my marriage and he was making plans to kill me. He had been fantasizing about murdering me for years. I never would have seen it coming.
Your husband is abusive. There are signs of it in your letter. Read that book and you’re going to see more signs of it. Go no contact, find a support system, protect yourself. Your kids need you. I know it hurts terribly and I’m so, so sorry. But it does get better, I promise.
They’d have to admit they were wrong. That’s not going to happen.
Yes! Any man who feels this entitled DOES NOT see his family members as individual, valuable people with their own rights. He does not see you (or anyone else) as worthy of basic human dignity. That is the problem. It’s not what he does, it’s what he IS: a very sick person with antisocial personality disorder.
Thank you for that link!
That book changed my life. I would highly recommend it.
“I would have sworn up and down my ex husband was not abusive. An asshole at times, sure, but he never abused me. Yet I felt like shit so often… I blamed myself for everything. We fought, it was my fault. He said something mean, well, I don’t look the same as I did before I got pregnant. Everything was my fault and I did everything for him. And mine also wanted me to respect him more and be more submissive, i.e. listen to him more. I read that book and it was shocking to me because I literally saw things he had said and done on those pages. And suddenly a whole lot of things made sense.”
^^^^^^
THIS. I could have written this word for word.
I never thought my ex would be capable of really hurting me (pushing and shoving, throwing things at me – I didn’t name that as ABUSE, because I was so convinced it was all my fault), until the night almost killed me in a drunken rage (for the unforgivable crime of falling asleep during a movie). He picked me up by my neck and threw me across the room. I missed cracking my skull open on the corner of our piano by INCHES. He knocked the wind out of me, and as soon as I recovered enough to get up, I fled the house and went to my mother’s. I have no memory of that drive.
I’m glad you got out alive.
And it does get better. MUCH better.
He is not who you thought you were marrying. If at his vows he had stood in front of god and his family and told everyone he was going to cheat on you and leave you alone pregnant with a toddler you would have left the altar.
Make a secret plan and get out. I know it seems hard but you are already doing everything on your own so how much harder can it really be? Get safe, get free, all of us are here for you ❤️
Also – I am seeing red over him asking you to “listen to him more” while he was lying and concealing things from you. What was there to listen to if there is no truth? There aren’t enough cacti in the world for this guy.
I got the “you never listen” thing as well. Of course in retrospect it’s easy to see that the times I actually would talk over him or block him out during a discussion or disagreement it was because he was lying through his teeth. Lies are “unlistenable.”
Thank you <3
If there’s one thing I’ve learned about people in general, but men in particular, is basically ignore what someone says and watch what they do. Your husband’s words are he “misses his family” but his actions are he has voluntarily separated himself from his family. He asks “how will you ever have sex” but his actions are to remove himself from your bedroom first now your state. Pay attention to what he does and ignore what he says. His actions, I’m very sorry to say, are not of that of a loving and devoted husband who is excited to grow his family. His actions are those of a cheater and an abuser who is trying to escape consequences. Hang in there. You can do this. We’re here to help.
I was pregnant with number three when the affair that I know about started. I was pregnant with number four when I found out about the affair. TWO pregnancies and FOUR children did not illicit a 180. I filed for divorce when my baby was three months old, and he was still cheating. I’m so very sorry, but you need to start acting like you’ve processed and accepted that it’s over, even though it may be months or years until you are actually there mentally and emotionally. It’s time to fake it until you make it. Also, do everything you can to breastfeed your child, because that does affect custody. I would even go so far as to tell him think you’re supportive of him asking for a relocation, let him get boxed into the relocation by the military, and then stay where you are. He can’t force you to go, and it will be very much in your favor for custody. You wouldn’t be lying, because you should be very supportive of him finding himself several hundred miles away from you. Chump Lady is spot on in her advice, especially that this is abuse. You are victim of domestic abuse. I’ll ask you the same question my therapist asked me, “Would you stay with him if he were physically abusing you?” Many, many hugs to you sweet sister.
Even if you don’t count the deleterious effects of stress due to emotional abuse, cheating is physical abuse. Some STDs can kill and, statistically, cheaters are far more prone to contract them and infect others than even people in “open” relationships.
Great tip about breastfeeding to protect custody. Not everyone can do it but if possible, that’s yet another benefit aside from being excellent for babies’ immune systems. Mom gets the benefits of oxytocin which can be helpful for stress as well. I know there are recent studies warning that cortisol can be passed through breast milk but I’m reserving judgment until I can sleuth whether these have been funded by formula companies. It’s well known that infants are also exquisitely sensitive to social and emotional cues of trauma and stress and it’s known that the physical contact and bonding involved breastfeeding can significantly counter the effects of stress for both mom and baby. For those who can’t breastfeed for whatever reason, tons of contact and cuddling are the ticket.
Even thinking about this makes me even more pissed off at anyone who would thwart new mothers’ well-being and security.
THIS 1000%. Use this time when he’s focused on AP to line up your ducks for full custody. Let him move to another state. Let him think he’s getting whatever he wants. While you quietly plan your exit with your precious babies. It is not in your children’s best interest to have dual custody with a FW, and if you can avoid co-parenting with a FW for the next 18 years, consider yourself blessed. PROTECT them from him. You’re their only invested parent. Protect them from not only emotional and physical harm, but his modeling really shitty behavior. Hurry though, this AP won’t last and when it crashes and burns he’s going to turn to channel rage and try to be very, very controlling of you. <>
I’m pretty sure I’ve seen this question before …
“Have you seen men do a 180 and become a unicorn after the baby is born? ”
As far as he goes, the only baby in the family who counts is HIM. Having to compete with a toddler is bad enough for HIM, but just imagine how HE would suffer after a newborn crashes HIS party.
And he cries that he misses his family? Maybe he’s crying because he’s aware how miserably inadequate he is, how completely he’s failed as a man and an adult.
When my sister was only 23, she gave birth to her much-wanted first child, who was born with severe mental and physical disabilities. Her husband, who was only 22 at the time, stepped up to the plate and pitched in enthusiastically as a father and a husband. THAT is what real men do. I point this out because we have so many stories on here about failed men (and failed women) so it’s important to remember: we CAN have standards. There ARE men who get it right the first time around, and don’t sit around weeping while the family meets its needs without him.
My sister and her husband are now in their 60’s, retired, with children and grandchildren and a support system they’ve spent a lifetime building and investing in.
Your unicorn had one chance to get it right, and he failed. Let him look back on that in his 60’s, if he even makes it that far, and wonder why other men have what he doesn’t have.
My husband’s abuse got much worse after we had our baby. My husband resented how much time the baby took, was jealous of the “attention” (meaning: basic care) the baby got. Angry that I spent so much time feeding the baby. Feeding. The. Baby.
Even when our son was a bit older, my husband was still resentful. I remember when both he and our kid were sick at the same time. He yelled at me that I took better care of our son than I did of him. And I was like “He’s 2, you’re a grown man. Of COURSE he gets more care!” It’s ridiculous what babies they are.
FWs seem to think their genitals are the perpetual family newborns requiring all the one-sided care, attention and sacrifice of everyone around them.
Wow, this really hit home.
The x is in his late sixties with almost nothing in the way of family now (one older brother), after blowing up/blowing off the family I worked hard to create for us over the course of decades.
His worst fear was dying alone and he certainly earned it.
Overall, it doesn’t sound like he is mature enough to change, or be a helpful partner with 2 children. But, as a military chump, the main thing I want to share is that you should, right away, go to the base legal services or legal assistance office. The attorneys there can tell you what support he has to provide you during a separation (and before there is a court order), and what other services and support may be available to you, and that is all confidential between them and you. You could also report his actions to the command if you want them to investigate and possibly take negative action against him, but, honestly, that won’t benefit you in the short-term, aside from making you feel better. Long-term, it probably will not benefit you if he is in trouble or loses money or his career. Also, military investigations into affairs and adultery can be very unpleasant for the people who report (he may try to blame you for things or make you look bad, and you don’t need that). I have chosen not to report my FW’s horrible behavior to the military because I have balanced carefully the pros and cons to me and my children and have decided it is still an overall bad choice. I may change my mind if he continues with more crap, as it may turn into an overall good choice. But, for now, my recommendation is for you to focus on the support you can get and how the AF and his command may be able to help you with that.
Whether you report the adultery to the military or not, gathering evidence sounds like a great idea. Maybe you can spare yourself some headache later with that leverage. Maybe he’ll be less vindictive to spare himself the consequences of his adultery exposed.
Totally agree. Make sure you et what you can and they can have the support come to your account directly. Get advice from legal services and then get a lawyer who is used to doing military divorce. Get a bank account lined up and do NOT let him return. Make sure you get what he owes you because the military will not let him be a deadbeat Dad. Your FW is not a unicorn. Make you get the money that you and your kids are entitled to.
Meanwhile, do a lot of self care, you are going to give birth and that is not easy or stress free. Make sure you do all the right things for yourself, your toddler and the new baby. Most of all get rid of the cheating, lying piece of crap. Men who do this to women when they are most vulnerable deserve a special place in hell. Hugs to you. You CAN do this. It will not be easy but you will be much better off without a cheater.
I cannot emphasize the first point enough. Even if your lawyer suggests child support/alimony gets paid via personal check, insist it goes through your state’s child support system. That way, he can’t simply decide to stop paying while you pay thousands in court fees to get money owed. Asked me how I know.
A man this cruel will absolutely, without a doubt, physically hurt you and your children if you stay with him. If you don’t divorce him right now and you allow him to live with you he will snap. It is not if, but when.
He is obviously severely emotionally ill. Please do not allow him near you or your children, ever. He is not safe in any way.
sarah, i’m sorry that you’re here–i’m sorry we’re all here–but there is much wisdom in the collective.
so, deep breaths and don’t forget your iron supplement. please take good care of yourself, your health is of great importance–tell your doctor what is going on and make a birth plan with them. and get STI testing, including hepatitis, done. your X may have passed a disease along to you. you cannot trust what he says.
do you have a therapist? please call for a counselling appointment.
the biggest turning point for me in the process of recovering from this shit show (17 months post D-day) was realizing my X does not have the capacity for love. who cares what his love language is, he does not have the capacity for love. he just doesn’t. there are reasons for it and that’s for him to sort out, if he ever does, not my business anymore. but he just doesn’t have the capacity for love. realizing this freed me up to let go of any idea that he might “come to his senses” because he doesn’t have any senses.
your H doesn’t have any senses either. further, he’s cruel and abusive.
but you’ve got love to give to your kids, and your self. you’ve got your senses, always have, always will. with the proper support of true friends and family, you’ll get through.
that should read “adjusted” birth plan. do not invite H into the delivery room. the doctor and nurses are there for you, he is not.
I am not a lawyer, but I do know that divorce laws vary state to state in the US. A quick google search suggests you would need to be separated for one year to divorce in South Carolina, but in Connecticut you would only need to be separated 90 days. I am sure there are other differences in terms of how property gets divided, how custody gets set up, how child support gets calculated. Please get legal advice asap, and don’t move anywhere until you do. (I am so sorry you are going through this and look forward to the time when you can enjoy your children, especially your new baby, with the peace of being fuckwit free.)
I’m not a military expert on legal services but my Dad was career military and I was married to an Air Force Officer. Other’s on Chump Nation might have better and more updated information..
Find out what squadron he’s being assigned to, then contact the commanding officer of the squadron, tell him your story.
There are two Air Force Bases in South Carolina, Charleston AFB and Shaw AFB.
Contact the Judge Advocate Office on Base and talk to an Air Force Attorney, he or she should be able to guide you and let you know what to expect financially and what medical coverage is available for your children
You should also contact a civilian attorney to make certain the information you’re told by the Judge Advocate is correct.
Sarah,
There is a special kind of Cheater that when they’ve just been busted for cheating or when the allure of the AP proves too much, seek to shed their spouse and children like a snake sheds its skin. They give no thought whatsoever to the damage that this causes to others, wanting to just walk away and leave others to deal with the mess they’ve made. I suspect that you have one of those; he shows no remorse for what he has done to you and your children and his focus is entirely on his needs.
People like this don’t change and he sees you (and your children) as acceptable collateral damage. You need to accept that, regardless of what he says about missing his family, he will never be worthy of you and will never treat you (and your children) in the way that he should. Follow CL’s advice; go low/no contact, get you ducks in a row and divorce his cheating ar*e and build a better life for you and your children.
LFTT
“There is a special kind of Cheater that when they’ve just been busted for cheating or when the allure of the AP proves too much, seek to shed their spouse and children like a snake sheds its skin. They give no thought whatsoever to the damage that this causes to others, wanting to just walk away and leave others to deal with the mess they’ve made. ”
And I would submit that most of them really believe they are entitled to do this and that most others will just accept them and in short time their life will go on as usual. In other words They are just switching out one appliance for another, and their life goes on.
For some it works, (usually the very rich) for most it does not go nearly as smoothly as they envisioned.
SL,
Ex-Mrs LFTT was one of those snakes. She dropped the kids and I like a red hot sh*t smeared rock to be with her AP and expected me (and the kids) to just accept it without complaint. Indeed, the only time that she raised custody arrangements during our divorce (none of them wanted to live with her) was to try and leverage a better settlement for herself. I am by no means rich …. and even the Judge and her legal team were taken aback by what she was demanding.
As you suggest …. it did not go smoothly for her. She didn’t get anything like the settlement she was demanding and, 7 years down the line, our kids (now 26, 23 and 18) have minimal contact with her and refuse to have anything to do with her AP.
I f*cking hate snakes when they take human form.
LFTT
Questionable commitment to the marriage, and you’re pregnant? Projecting his guilt and shame to dump on you? All of that and more?
Just no. This is not going to turn around.
Don’t be a fool like me. Listen to Chumplady!! This a terrible timing for you, but he is not there for you now and he never will be. They do not change. Gather as many support people around as you can, lawyer up, get an order for exclusive possession of the house, custody, support. And strict orders to family/friends/hospital security that he is not permitted anywhere near you when you go to have the baby. They are like sharks smelling blood and he will try to prey on your vulnerability.
Ha, different love languages… Had to hear that too. These fuckers… Let me guess, yours is giving and his is taking, taking and taking, endlessly and not even being thankful for it. No need to guess really, what you told CL says it all. Run away from this freak ASAP and don’t give him nothing from you anymore. Save all of your love for your children, your STBXH isn’t worth even your hatred – let us hate him for you.
You sound coolheaded notwithstanding the shitstorm you’re through right now. I hope you can keep calm while you make your moves. Make them unbeknownst to him, don’t tip your hand. Give him nothing, no foresight. Wishing the best for you and your babies.
“your STBXH isn’t worth even your hatred – let us hate him for you.”
???? Can do.
I think a lot of these “love languages” and how to survive an affair etc are just more detailed manuals for cheaters on how to excuse themselves and blame others.
I hope you have family support, your family not his. Call a lawyer today and start proceedings. You may think you need this cheater right now because you have a toddler and a baby on the way but he’s shown himself to be weak and stupid. You will be much better off in the long run without this FW. There is no future with a scumbag cheater. One more thing…these asswipes will say anything, it means nothing. He’s cheating yet he has twisted it to say that you didn’t love him enough? He’s deserting you and says he misses his family? Stop listening to his crap.
Sarah, I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I second everything CL has said, especially the part about getting a support system in place. That’s key.
Also, please remember that this OW did not win a prize, and you didn’t lose a prize. He’s not a good person.
Life can really suck sometimes. I’m so sorry. But you sound strong. You got this!
((hugs))
This has better information. https://www.statesidelegal.org/divorce-military-families-how-it-s-different-what-you-need-know
Tracy you can delete my last link for Law.com =)
“Due to him being in the Air Force he’s now claiming that he is “going to be asked to relocate.” Wouldn’t you know it…. to South Carolina. He claims all of the bases closer to Connecticut “aren’t hiring for his position.””
This makes no sense. Folks in the military (all four branches) don’t seek positions and “get hired”. They are moved to locations where they are needed, or for training etc.
While I get that now they do things a little different in terms of folks joining the military can choose what expertise they want to join in said branch, still they are beholden to go where needed and as ordered.
Unless he is actually a contractor working for the AF, in which case he is not considered to be in the military he would be a DoD contractor. Whole different thing.
Aside from that he is a lying asshole and needs to be drop kicked.
I’m connecting the dots around “He has always wanted to move to South Carolina (we live in Connecticut)… and he flew to South Carolina to meet this new AP.”
I don’t think this affairing-around is something he just started 2 weeks ago. Maaayyyybe he just started with the current one 2 weeks ago but i highly doubt that too.
Hugs
Sarah, please print what CL wrote and stick it up throughout your house:
What you “need” from this man can be extracted legally — child support, health insurance, division of assets. Everything else is toxic and is creating MORE of a burden in your life. Getting rid of him will be addition by subtraction.
This is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth!
Call lawyers today. Hire the best one. Go stay with your parents or loving siblings, aunt’s or other nurturing friend (preferably one that has given birth). Stay for as long as you and your babies can. Get the help and care you need and deserve!
Please stay no contact with this POS. you are young. There will be plenty of time to partner again with a mature, compassionate, loving, kind, beautiful person who wants you and only you and who will love the blessing of being in your Childrens’ lives. 100% certain of this.
Hugs to you mama. I’m so sorry he did this to you. It’s reality— he’s evil and will never change. They get worse, never better.
$5 says his parents or the OW want access to the baby and your toddler. Be strong. See him never.
Oh no, no no no, Sarah.
Mine left me cooling my heels at the hospital with a 3 week preemie who had just been released so he could “go to rehearsal” for hours. I couldn’t leave without a ride and a car seat, and he was my only option.
Fast forward to now (12 years later). Knocks up one of the many Schmoopies. She’s not even 2 months in and he finds another AP. Doesn’t tell AP about his new girlfriend, nor the impending kid.
A month before she whelps, he marries her. AP doesn’t find out about the wedding until afterwards. He also tells the AP the kid isn’t his. They needed a paternity test.
Kid born, tells AP that there is only an 80% chance the kid is his. That he will be getting divorced “soon”.
It’s 2 1/2 years later, still married, AP finally figures out she will be nothing more than a side piece.
So no, having a baby does NOTHING to change a FW. He will still cheat on you. He just made sure he has a new place to live for the foreseeable future.
Sarah you will be prayed for today
CL is right – do NOT move to SC. Your kids will be under CT court and he will be judged as having ABANDONING the kids. You WANT this to happen to him – the judges don’t like spouses that do this. Ask me how I know – my FW moved 2,000 miles away and I got 99% of the assets, child support, kids with me 95% of the time. Do NOT tell your Cheater the plans. Be mum. Don’t disclose anything to the FW.
I’d bet money this started with the first pregnancy and escaped her notice. I just googled “men who cheat during pregnancy” and it was pages and pages and pages of references – blaming it all on the wife, of course. According to google, the further you are into gestation, the more likely he is to cheat. Sickening.
My ex-husband started acting strange during pregnancy. He wasn’t happy at the “news” either. I dream here & there of that time & funny enough, it always ends with me walking away from him taking my pregnant belly with me. This is what happens when I ignore my intuition, my gut instinct. My subconscious mind keeps trying to rewrite what deep down I know I should’ve done, but ignored to “keep the family together” or “he’ll be happier later” or “men can act like that when they’re about to become a dad” …all the pre-recorded scripts & lies we listen to & tell ourselves.
My wife was a two time military chump. She has told me it doesn’t matter to the military that they cheat with other people in the military. That they are even encouraged to do it. Her first husband had 6 months of training in South Carolina and lived with a woman stationed there for 6 months! My wife said when she relocated to the base there and found out what happened it was so horrible living with people who knew about the cheating. Her 2nd husband was cheating wherever he was stationed.
Your husband won’t miraculously turn into a unicorn just because you have a baby. My ex wife cheated before, during, and after both of the kids were born (one was mine and the other was one of the AP’s). I am so sorry you are going through this! Hope you have a healthy baby!
I stayed when he cheated and my youngest was a baby. He was better for a little while. But it got worse and worse. I stayed for 16 more years. I raised my kids alone in a house where I was supposed to have a partner. I did all the kids sports alone, Dr appts, pretty much EVERYTHING to deal with the kids I did ALL alone. I regularly say I should have left many many many years before but I didn’t. Life is short. Don’t be me, I have so many regrets and I am 55 and single. Your kids have the chance of never seeing you be abused. GO NOW.
I also hate him for you, Sarah. Please get yourself and your children to safety.
i fucking hate that guy on Sarah’s behalf. i do.
I got told exact same thing. He said he had to move too, out of state, but interestingly, it happened to be much closer to where the whore lived. He said there weren’t any jobs in our current state. (lie). Then a year later, he moved again, even closer to the whore, 2 miles away from where she worked. Said it was all coincidence and it wasn’t how it looked. (another lie.) he hemmed and hawed the whole tkme, about how I didn’t love him enough and I didn’t respect him. ( I shined his shoes and would drive to the pharmacy in the middle of the night to get his needed supplies for “business trips. ” He said he didn’t feel a spark anymore after I birthed two babies, wasn’t sure he wanted to be married needed more time to think about comitting to me and staying in the marriage (Said this one tearfully after he already moved away). Marriage therapist was fed up with him but wouldn’t lay it out for me like Chump Lady. Everything she says is dead on. The charm, rage and self-pity personalities that come out (watch for them, mine does all three.) I could go on, but the point is, I heard the very same things from my jerk face too. I waited a year for him to come to his senses, but I filed when he didn’t want to adequately cover our children on his new insurance plan from work. You and those precious children are WORTH more than this. He is a BUM. The rub is he will make you think that it is YOUR FAULT that he isn’t happy. Don’t buy in. He is gaslighting you. No contact and that starts now. There are better men out there, I promise. We got stuck with dreck for husbands. File for divorce and watch him squirm. Stick to your decision when you file, and protect your children so that they don’t become him or become somebody who tolerates abuse. Would you want your children to be treated the way you are? This isn’t your fault and they don’t come back and return to the person you thought they were. You have to make a new life. Come here everyday and l read this blog. It will save your sanity and give you the strength you need when you hear more of his lies. Please update us.
I’m not sure why cheaters do this…but I know of at least 10 couples that relocated to another state and shortly after the move the wife was dumped for another woman. I’m sure this happens to husbands as well I’m just going by what I have personally witnessed. I don’t know if the cheaters plan the discard before the move or it just happens. My guess is that the cheater is keen on the move and possibly needs all the marital funds to make the move? Not sure, maybe CN can provide some input. Looking back years ago my first cheater (sociopath) wanted to relocate 2 hours away from where we lived and all our friends lived. I was game at first as things were not good and I thought maybe a different location would help. Of course my head was up my ass at the time, I was very young. Luckily the move never happened but when he traveled out of the country for work he got himself a new girlfriend and I got the discard. Of course the job didn’t last but the girlfriend moved up to the states pregnant. About 6 months after the discard I was extremely grateful and always wanted to thank the baby momma for helping with our breakup.
Agree about the moving thing. Klootzak was about to retire from the military and announced that we would be moving to the other end of the state and after we moved, he thought we would then divorce. WTF!?! I don’t have a support network in the other place and it is way more expensive to live there. I held him off and then the pandemic railroaded his plan. But he had tipped his hand and it gave me time to find an attorney, get ducks in a row, etc. He is still planning to take a position in the other location. Once he seals the deal, I will file, which will hopefully avoid a battle for the house. I will stay right where I am with cheaper cost of living and all of my child’s and my friends. It’s unbelievably selfish of these FWs to move spouse and kids to a new place with no network and then dump them flat. And of course, the court won’t let them move back.
Sarah is in a good position if she is located where she has support of family and friends. Thank goodness she had not moved with him and then got dumped. She needs to get a good attorney – former JAG, preferably – and file fast. Lock in support for the kids and herself while FW is still in the haze of his AP.
The US Military family support groups are big on the Love Languages. Ex cheater and I also had different love languages. Shockingly (sarcasm) I discovered my love language was “acts of service”. That is because I was a wife appliance. I don’t think that is my actual love language. In a healthy relationship my love language would be something different. Just another red flag. Move in with family, divorce the jerk, love your babies and regain your sanity.
Yeah this is the “love language” I was forced into as well..
I hope you have an amazing support system in CT and if not, can find a way for them to come to you or for you eventually go to them. My mom is like an orca grandma, making sure me and the kids are thriving.
Will having the baby make him do a 180? I think there is a possibility that he may decide to stick around after he considers what he has to lose, namely money and image. Unfortunately, so many cheaters are hollow shells of people and growing empathy and kindness isn’t gonna just happen without a lot of hard, unpleasant work. So yes, he may decide to try sucking you back into his life. No, you shouldn’t take it as a positive development. Stay the hell away from him.
YES, Limbo Chumpian is in my experience correct that he is moving to try to hoover you back, and right about his motivations for doing so.
Agree Tracy 200% what is wrong with these losers? What kind of a man sleeps around on his pregnant wife?
The dumb ass I married.
Mine kind of husband….
Everything important and true has already been said this morning. I am simply going to add my voice and vote to the chorus of guardian angels here and say
Do EVERYTHING in your power to get away from this mean ugly horrible evil jackass who, if properly ranked, would be whatever the lowest of the lowest rank is.
Give this creep a DISHONORABLE DISCHARGE from your life.
Keep coming back here for strength and truth and love and support and info.
Everyone ignore the finger emoji…..it’s a typo……unless you’re a cheater lurking here.
This situation is extremely dangerous for Sarah, her not yet born baby, and her 2-year old. I’m not saying this cheater *will* do something physical, I’m saying Sarah is at extremely high risk and so vulnerable . This is terrifying to me to read. Absolutely focus on birthing the baby and lawyering up. Laser focus. If there’s any way someone-friend-supportive parent- someone NOT the cheater- could stay w/ Sarah and help for a good chunk of time….if not an option—make a plan for yourself. I’m guessing lawyers can Zoom if u can’t see in person due to having a newborn. You can do this, Sarah. Do not stay with, meet up with, believe anything cheater says.
An entitled FW absolutely will NOT do a 180 after a child is born. If anything, his abuse of you will escalate. OMG, a vulnerable newborn is getting more attention than him! Men who cheat on their pregnant wives should have court mandated vasectomies, since they clearly only care about one child – themselves. Sarah, you will have your hands full with two kids. You certainly don’t need a man-child in the mix.
Please be strong. I am so sorry you are dealing with this right now. Let us know how your baby is doing, and DO NOT name it after the sperm donor.