Hi Chump Lady,
My soon-to-be-ex started acting distant mid-March (2022) and moved to a spare bedroom.
Two weeks later I discovered his affair: He was on a plane to meet his new affair partner that he met online two weeks prior. I was 33 weeks pregnant at the time.
He has always wanted to move to South Carolina (we live in Connecticut)… and he flew to South Carolina to meet this new AP.
I literally caught him in the act while he was flying to meet her (via emails and cell phone records). He said he was sleeping at his Air Force base for work.
Over the next few weeks, chaos ensued. I messaged her, her family, his family, his work.
Due to him being in the Air Force he’s now claiming that he is “going to be asked to relocate.” Wouldn’t you know it…. to South Carolina. He claims all of the bases closer to Connecticut “aren’t hiring for his position.”
We also have a toddler (2). Every time I see him he cries that he misses his family, but then ends up saying mean crap to me about how I didn’t love him enough. He says we have different love languages. I did everything for that man, financially, cooked, cleaned, planned fun date nights. He says all he wanted was respect and for me to listen to him more.
I’m now 39 weeks, and the closer I get to my baby being due, he’s starting to panic. Says confusing things about getting back together, but then follows it with “how will we ever have sex?” “How will we get the love back?”
I know there is a special place in hell for men who cheat on pregnant wives…. But my question is:
Have you seen men do a 180 and become a unicorn after the baby is born? Should I ignore his “missing the family” bull crap? Should I ignore him when the baby is born if he tells me he “really wants to reconcile”?
Thank you!
Sarah
***
Dear Sarah,
You can do this without him. All the things.
I’m just going to cut right to the heart of it, because I know you’re 39 weeks pregnant, plus toddler. And you can’t shower, and you can’t sleep, and you need to pee every 15 minutes because there is a baby sitting on your bladder. You’re looking down the barrel at imminent child birth. Pain. Maybe some episiotomy scars. Bleeding. Milk coming in. And then an infant latched to you like a barnacle. A beautiful barnacle, but a barnacle. And you won’t be feeling beautiful. You might have burst a couple blood vessels in your eyes from pushing. You’ll have an abdomen of silly putty for months. Maybe years. Maybe for the rest of your life. And stretch marks.
All of which you endured to bring two lives into this world.
And he wants to know:
How will we ever have sex?
With a spiny cactus up your ass, you m*therf*cker.
I hate him for you, Sarah. His cruelty and his selfishness. But most of all I hate that you’re vulnerable to him.
I cannot fix fuckwits, and neither can you. But we can totally get your head straight and steer you towards safety.
Due to him being in the Air Force he’s now claiming that he is “going to be asked to relocate.” Wouldn’t you know it…. to South Carolina. He claims all of the bases closer to Connecticut “aren’t hiring for his position.”
Do not relocate. That will isolate you further. Do you have family you can move in with? Have you confided in them? You need a support system and legal help, stat. Do NOT tell him your plans. Just start making them. Some military chumps here I hope will speak up to what sort of support systems exist on base for you now.
We also have a toddler (2). Every time I see him he cries that he misses his family, but then ends up saying mean crap to me about how I didn’t love him enough.
There’s no “enough” with these freaks. Do not waste another second of your life trying to please someone who would CHEAT ON YOU WHEN YOU WERE PREGNANT. Has he rubbed two brain cells together about how much love he’s shown YOU? Raising his toddler and gestating another human being? Does he have an iota of shame?!
He says we have different love languages.
You have to have love to speak a love language. He is devoid of it.
He says all he wanted was respect and for me to listen to him more.
He is abusive, Sarah. Your whole letter sends off alarm bells for me. Please don’t think we’re overreacting here at CN. Remember the woman and children stuffed in the oil tank? She was inconveniently pregnant too and her husband “panicked.”
Respect is EARNED. He is not your master. Healthy relationships are based on reciprocity. Where is his respect for YOU? For his family? Oh right, it’s sleeping on base.
Have you seen men do a 180 and become a unicorn after the baby is born?
No. And there are literally millions of stories here.
Please put down the hopium pipe. Another child is not going to improve this man. He’s shown you who he is.
Should I ignore his “missing the family” bull crap?
Yes. I don’t know where he is right now, South Carolina or the spare bedroom, but you need to go no contact. Lean on your family and friends, and seek legal help, and counseling for YOU alone.
Do not beg, chase, question, or speak to him in any meaningful way. Focus on getting through birth right now. He doesn’t miss his family. He fears consequences. That’s not the same as loving you.
I know this seems daunting and overwhelming. What you “need” from this man can be extracted legally — child support, health insurance, division of assets. Everything else is toxic and is creating MORE of a burden in your life. Getting rid of him will be addition by subtraction.
Should I ignore him when the baby is born if he tells me he “really wants to reconcile”?
If? This is the hopium speaking.
If he wants to do something, he can give you a fair and generous divorce settlement. He can stop verbally abusing you and blameshifting his wandering dick issues.
But we’re dealing with a man who cheats on his pregnant wife, so he’s NOT going to do the honorable thing.
Please protect yourself and your babies. We’re here for you.
Please listen to CL. Call your family and friends to support you. Call 2-3 lawyers STAT! Have your most trusted friend or family member attend the interviews with the lawyers. You need someone to take notes for you , as you are emotionally traumatized and pregnant. The best advice is to go NO CONTACT w your Fuckwit husband. Hugs.
Make sure it is an attorney experienced in military divorce!!
Yeah, agreed. Don’t let him “pick” again. He already picked; first he picked you, then he picked SC; let him live with the decision….or not. He didn’t like the outcome of his first “pick” (eyeroll, not really), let’s see how great the second “pick” goes. What were the reqs again? Oh yeah, to be a resident of South Carolina lolololol. There are a few folks here who could probably place some bets based on their own real world experiences.
Don’t fight it; let him go; you will thank yourself later 🙂
“There’s no “enough” with these freaks.”
Truth. My exFW laid all the blame for his affairs in my lap as well. I was never enough for him, didn’t do enough for him, didn’t love him enough, etc.
His first affair (that I know of; I’m sure there’s more) was a few months after our second child was born. Your letter touches my heart. Except for the job (army stuff?) your situation is very much like mine was. Two babies in diapers under my wings and a husband who was feathering his nest elsewhere with another bird. It was…one of the worst times of my life. I don’t know how I would have survived if it wasn’t for my babies. Having to take care of them meant I had to take care of myself. Single motherhood forced me to put one foot in front of the other and not give in to despair.
Will he change after a second baby? No. He’ll get worse, if that’s possible. That’s been my experience.
Run, do not walk, away. You’ve got this. It’s hard (really hard) but single parenting rocks and is so much better for your mental health than co-parenting with a lying FW. You’ve got this. Stay close to your friends and family support system. Begin the paperwork (when you have time and energy) to sever yourself from your ex. Better days are ahead.
“Run, do not walk, away. You’ve got this. It’s hard (really hard) but single parenting rocks and is so much better for your mental health than co-parenting with a lying FW. You’ve got this”
This 100%
Yes to everything you wrote. I just want to add that blaming the chump is especially evil and abusive. It’s gaslighting.
And that sad part is that in our weakened states when our self esteem is in the crapper, we may think that the cheater has a point. “I guess I *should* have worn that thong, praised him more, lost (or gained) weight, bought the right kind of cereal, not fallen asleep during that movie….etc” It’s ridiculous.
Blame shifting=gaslighting=abuse.
I’ve posted this before, but when my ex complained about his first wife the biggest example he had was that he worked “so hard” to provide for the family and she didn’t save him a chicken thigh for dinner. I can think of lots of reasons why his favorite piece didn’t get saved, and only one of them was deliberate malice, you know? He nursed that grievance for years, even after he’d divorced her and latched onto me. When he was devaluing me, a people pleasing codependent over-achiever with a high income job? I put too many ingredients in the ramen and he liked it plain.
I didn’t add enough chocolate chips to the cookie dough. #unforgivable
I didn’t lose the baby weight fast enough, “so he deserved something for himself.” #hiswordsstillcut
What an absolute ass, This Shit is NOT My Story. After my baby was born my estrogen dropped to abnormally low levels. This caused me to dry out like a desert. I couldn’t have sex. It was a temporary problem, but my ex thought it was the end of the world, and so, of course he had to start cheating on me because he had “needs”. Never mind that I “needed” to have sex too, but it was excruciating so I couldn’t do it for a few months. Instead of talking it through with me, trying different things sexually, waiting it out together and supporting me and our new baby, he bailed and had sex with hookers. And gave me an STD.
No, babies don’t cause fuckwits not to cheat- I think it sometimes brings on even more entitlement because the energy isn’t on them for awhile.
This whole topic is making me really angry ????
Ya I know I’m triggered by all the FW stories too!!!
I invited family on our vacations (his and mine). Also, “made” him pick up iced tea for me when he was at the grocery store. I guess I’ll burn alongside him in Hell for my transgressions.
I parked his car in one day
I’m judgmental. And lazy. And not good at being nurturing to him.
Who was judging whom?
Lazy? Okay. I stopped doing housework. Seriously. Guess who had to pick up the slack. I’ll show you lazy
And nurturing stuff? Mommy issues anyone?
I had two tumors removed from my breast and was in pain from accidental damage to the nerve in my arm during surgery. I was also caring for my dying father and two children. He needed more attention since I was not meeting his needs.
I had too many miscarriages. That was my failing. It was actually due to the FUCKING CHLAMYDIA he gave me from the trampslut he was banging. They deserve a steamroller.
Regarding perpetrators’ tendency to manically victim-blame, I post the study/paper below a lot because just the context alone is a big eye opener. While the RIC establishment tries to paint cheaters/abusers as poor wuv/sex-addicted sad sausage victims, studies like this draw a far more chilling parallel. So in case anyone has idly wondered, “Hmm, what do cheaters and serial killers have in common?”, Google this publication and title: mdpi-res.com + Societies + “Denying the Darkness: Exploring the Discourses of Neutralization of Bundy, Gacy, and Dahmer” by Veronyka James, Department of Criminology and Criminal Justice, Shenandoah University,
It makes a great argument that the most reliable mark of perpetrators of all stripes is their ornate system of rationalization, one aspect of which is to blame their own victims and, as a logical extension of this, to see themselves as victims of their victims. Ornate rationalization plus frothing self pity= danger. Researchers speculate that this thought loop of rationalizations isn’t just handy for “neutralizing” a sense of culpability for past deeds but paves the way for future ones because the perpetrator can be assured that they won’t suffer from the guilt or self-punishment that would stop any normal person from planning and committing heinous acts. I thought that part was so interesting: a person might not even THINK about doing horrible things simply because they aren’t armed with a rationalization system sufficient to quell guilt for committing these things. But if someone has that system oiled and ready, they may become very imaginative in planning horrendous acts. It’s like fuel for a criminal machine.
In retrospect I notice that there was something really mesmerizing about the degree to which FW in my case seemed thoroughly convinced of his own fabricated rationalizations and the idea that I had done terrible things to him that, in his mind at least, made his cheating, endangerment, control, abuse and financial bilking completely justified. His conviction and commitment to his DARVO (deny/attack/reverse victim/offender) narrative stunned me silly before D-Day. Like an Oscar-winning method actor, he sold his performance so hard that he believed it himself (it helped that he rehearsed it with flying monkeys and a shitty therapist first) and, at least for a short period (but long enough for the damage to sink in), I nearly believed it. I really hadn’t been keeping score of past disagreements back then so it took a long time to piece things back together to figure out that he’d been wearing me down with all sorts of unsettling behavior until I was jumpy as hell and all raw nerves, then he’d bait me into disagreements, then use those disagreements as grounds to paint me as a terrible person and paint himself as a princess in a tower being held captive by an ogre.
From the moment he decided he was going to cheat and began sniffing around the workplace for doorknobs, I was boiled like a frog until I didn’t know which end was up or who started what. But reading over old texts and diary entries, I began to see what he had done in stark relief. Even with all the manipulation, his charges against me were vague and idiotic– that I wouldn’t let him watch Survivor (seriously), that I’d always made him feel like a bad husband (which he was), that I’d “broken” him with criticism. He was doing his damnedest to demonize me and this was all he could come up with?? Funny (now, not back then).
As they say, every accusation from a narcissist is a confession. Turns out he was holding me hostage, robbing me of agency, financially controlling me, nitpicking everything about me until my self esteem collapsed like a flan, breaking me, etc. What’s also funny in retrospect is that I now occasionally wish I’d been WAY more bitchy to him and way less loving than I had been in reality. It sometimes amuses me to think of how easy it would have been to tear down his pea sized ego through systematic nitpicking and that it would be better to be hung for a sheep. But only sometimes because that’s really not who I am. I don’t bait people or systematically attack their self esteem as a rule and I’ve got the solid relationships with my kids and the mutual social support system to show for it. I simply lack the internalized justification system that would quell and neutralize guilt for mistreating people. Thank God for that. But it still took understanding the mechanism to be liberated from the effects of it precisely because I’m relatively normal and not immune to being guilted.
A big fucking hug to you & all the chumps for all you went thru!!!
Thank you!
You’re dead on with this comment. It’s so true, all of it. Their accusations are definitely confessions. My ex accused me of being incestuous. I didn’t argue with him much after he talked of killing me but that was one I demanded to know WTF he thought he was talking about. He stammered out some lame story about how I had a crush on one of my father’s friends when I was a little girl and that made me incestuous. No. What it was really about is he and his girlfriend like to dress her up like a baby and role play that he’s raping his toddler daughter. He wanted to be incestuous so he accused me of it.
I had to laugh at you wishing you’d been more bitchy to him. I started treatment and started getting healthy and thinking clearer about seven months before d-day. In that time, I started handing his shit back to him. He criticized my body (for the millionth) and I pointed out his gut and the fact that his t-shirts are too small and his gut hangs out the bottom of them like a toddler outgrowing his clothes and asked him if he really thought he had any room to judge.
He also did this thing where he demanded I put my purse in the backseat if I was driving. Normally, with a normal person in the car with me, I just put it in the center console between the driver and passenger seats. He would claim he couldn’t buckle his seat belt and he’d shove my purse around as if it was in the way and whine and bitch about how he couldn’t operate the seat belt because my purse was touching it. It didn’t block the seatbelt in any way. It sat between the seatbelt buckles easily with room to spare. One day I lost and screamed, “LOOK AT ME! I’M A STUPID FUCKING MORON WHO CAN’T OPERATE A SEATBELT IF I CAN SEE A PURSE! IT TOUCHED ME! EW EW EW! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO OPERATE A SEATBELT IF A PURSE TOUCHES IT! OMG, THERE’S A PURSE HERE, I’VE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BUCKLE A SEATBELT!”
I went on for awhile. I lost it. I was pretty damn insulting. But I’d spent years very sick with him forcing me to get out of the car to put my purse in the backseat every damn time because he was offended by it’s presence. Then I’d have to go into the backseat to get it whenever I needed something. (I couldn’t reach over the seat because it was painful.) I had enough. I look back on that now and find it very funny. I wish I’d done things like that more.
What did he do/say when you said all of that? Your response is epic!!
KP– You reminded me of that stellar scene from Summer of Sam when the typically kind and accomodating Mira Sorvino character finally goes off on her cheating husband in the most spectacular way. Watch it again just for that diatribe. 😉
Fw also had me convinced I was completely unattractive and aging badly. It’s funny looking at pictures from the “affair era” when he was secretly drinking 14 hours a day and seeing how his hair was rapidly thinning and a drinker’s paunch was starting to cantilever over his belt. He had to lift his head for every shot to create the illusion of only one chin. He and the AP were both bloating themselves up on the family dime. Meanwhile I was getting way too thin from stress but otherwise looked okay. If anything I looked younger. But he had warped my perceptions at the time. Accusation= confession/projection.
Same situation here – my fuckwit cheated and got the whore pregnant while I was still on maternity leave. Fourleaf has it absolutely correct, it will get worse until you are free. Do not imagine that asshole has a heart or that your beautiful children will help him truly see what he lost. Please do not model dysfunction for your babies. You are strong and you and your two little muffins are a full and complete family.
I just got home from signing the final divorce papers. It hurts, but I was made for this kind of breaking because scars are the strongest parts of us.
I love your last sentence. This is the wisdom that keeps me committed to this circle ❤️
Welcome to divorce-land. It kinda sucks, but then it doesn’t.
Congrats on getting to this point.
Mine was finalized today by judge also it is Tuesday and my birthday. But I have healing to do
Congratulations DrChump????
Well done! And Happy Birthday ???? You deserve it. What a great present!
I saw my lawyer yesterday (Tues) to sign the divorce application to be filed at the Family Court and then served on FW. I still have some healing to be done but we’ll all get there????
I will send you some cactus. As much as you need. Men like this just piss me off. Go, run leave the ass. You’re going to have to go through this birth thing but you’re strong and can do it. I say just dive into the shit bucket all at once get it all over with and come out shining on the other end. We are here for you. You deserve so much more that this dick wandering pathetic person.
Sarah, I have a thirteen month old daughter, and even with the support of my husband, my parents, my in-laws, and all the siblings on both sides of the family, that time after kiddo was born was still an ass-kicking. I say this not to encourage you to take your STBX back, but to tell you to GET CLEAR. This man is actively sabotaging your and Junior’s health, and you’re going to need your wits about you after Junior is born. Please gather your tribe as best you can, and I’m sending you a hug.
Sarah, you immediately referred to him as your “soon to be ex.” Stick with that. You wrote that he started acting distant in mid-March. That may be when you first became aware of it. You say he wanted to move to SC. He didn’t conveniently find an AP there, he actively searched for one. He wanted a soft landing pad, and two weeks after finding one, he was on a flight to meet her.
I don’t know if you hoped to stop the affair or shame him by messaging her, her family, his family and his work, but consider it done and put the focus back on yourself, your toddler and the remainder of your pregnancy. This isn’t how it should be, but it’s what you have. Look for whatever support systems you can find, and read the archives here. Your cheater is not the kind of man you can ever rely on. You will find out that you are stronger than you know.
Sarah – You will receive excellent, loving advice today. Please quietly put together your support team (family, friends, lawyer, therapist, advocate, etc). And please believe your body will heal in months and your heart will heal in a couple years. The marriage and family can not ever heal with your husband. He broke it. Don’t let him break you.
Sarah, I think coming to terms with the devastating pain of blameshifting is one of the biggest challenges we face in recovery since so many of us are reflective people who want to be better. It’s cynical, abusive, and violent by nature. He has done violence to you and blames you for it. If you do anything, why don’t you get him a cactus with instructions on where to put it.
Sarah—I am so unbelievably sorry you are going through this. I was a military wife with my ex FW. We weren’t married very long but he manipulated the crap out of me with having to be at drill, wanting to change careers claiming it would all be for us and wanting us to relocate. Looking back I’m really happy I spoke up and said no to the relocation. I agree with CL, get out of this relationship. You can be a single mom and a badass, independent one. You deserve way better and you will one day get to your Tuesday and be proud you showed your kids that you deserve love and respect.
Also, side note: what is it with FW’s and the love languages thing?! My ex made us take the test and constantly brought up our love languages. He even had us download the app where you send your spouse a reminder that their love tank is empty. Vomit! Bet you can guess what his love language was…words of affirmation. He wanted to be praised CONSTANTLY! Yet, he was a lying piece of sh**. All FW’s really do use a similar script.
Let me guess DoublyChumped: he was frustrated that you weren’t speaking his LL effectively enough — or at all — not that he wanted to learn how to speak your LL better.
Fuckers.
Yes. 100% correct. Drained my energy and my patience
Yes! The love languages. Wtf!! FWs are only interested in their love language. Mine put poster on wall before d-day so we could all get along better. Huh?
Military chump here and it is difficult. You are probably somewhere away from family and scared. Screw him for doing this to you! I had my fourth child three weeks after moving to be near his mom who was terminal. Less than a month after birth he signed up for Ashley Madison and e harmony. Having the baby will not change his mind in a good way. Sounds impossible, but use the energy that’s being wasted on FW and take care of you and your little ones! Get a lawyer off base and keep records. He could relocate without you which would make divorce and custody a little bit easier. He may have been discovered by people at work and want to leave asap too. It is still frowned upon in most circles. Hugs going out to you!!
Also, had my fifth child and within 2 months started his hooker spree. The child stressed HIM out too much. New baby will not keep him faithful or trustworthy.
The x signed us up for the love language emails, which sent us weekly reminders during the second wreckronciliation.
He never did a single one of them, while I did all of them in addition to any- and every- other thing I could think of.
I foolishly asked about six weeks in whether he was getting the reminders. I truly thought that maybe either his email address was wrong or the emails were going into his junk mail. Blank stare and then he admitted that he was getting them, but “it was so hard”. But nothing else was “so hard” when it was beneficial to him.
It’s so true that they only care about their own love language.
The Love Language guy can bite me.
The love languages guy is terrible. I’m so sick of hearing about his crap book being used against chumps.
https://medium.com/blunt-therapy/the-bigot-who-wrote-the-5-love-languages-hates-you-e2f65771a1c0
I couldn’t agree more. The Love Languages thing is a gimmick that exploits vulnerable people who are clinging to disrespectful partners because it hurts so much to end relationships. Abusers use it to elicit compassion for their bullshit behaviors. “If you understood me better and fulfilled my wishes, our relationship would succeed, and if it fails, it’s because you failed at loving me correctly.” Total pig crap.
I once knew a woman who got pissed at her husband at a party they were hosting because he wouldn’t eat a meal she prepared using ingredients she well knew he hated. Her argument was “cooking for others and seeing them enjoy what I made is my love language, and you don’t even care enough to eat what I cooked for you!” followed by storming out sobbing and slamming a door behind her (hoping he would follow and apologize, I’m sure).
He looked at me with pain in his expression and seemed unsure what to do. I said “Well, I don’t know about you, but one of my love languages is not eating shit I hate just because somebody else wants me to.” It got a sad chuckle out of him, and others. And he didn’t follow her, at least that one time.
I sometimes think of this and find myself hoping he has a better life now.
Sometimes the question isn’t whether we should “learn” to “speak” another person’s “love languages”, but instead it’s whether the things they want fit well or badly into our lives. Being emotionally blackmailed into doing things a person already knows I don’t like or want (or which will harm me) is very low on my “tolerable” list.
I’ve read the book on Love Languages. Aside from all the Bible-thumping nonsense, it’s pretty bare standard advice that its author wildly blows out proportion in terms of its efficacy in healing relationships. To hear him, Love Languages are the cure for everything and anything that could possibly go wrong in any kind of relationship and that by learning the other person’s language you can magically turn your relationship into a 24/7 bliss party without any other work, ex. communication.
And look, I’m not saying that it’s a bad idea to understand that different people show and feel affection in different ways, but this author showed a profound ignorance for how dysfunctional relationships and people work, as it was never factored into his analysis and instead just assumed that knowing someone’s “Love Language” will always turn them from a grouchy old meanie into a purring kitten in your hand regardless of any deeper underlying problems in their part. It was all quite painfully naive sophistry that offered simplistic solutions to what could potentially be highly complex problems.
So it doesn’t surprise me that I see the five Love Languages being referenced time and time again in stories about dysfunctional relationships, cheating and otherwise. It usually involves one of the partners is constantly blaming all their shitty behavior on the other “not knowing their language” well enough, or one partner desperately spending all their energy on trying to fine-tune their language speaking and following the other around like a sad puppy trying to beg them to learn how to speak theirs when it is so, so clear that this relationship should have been taken out to the back of the shed with a shotgun years ago.
It was a cute idea that could have been a good exercise for people in already healthy relationships that got wildly oversold by its Christian conservative author and has since become a tool in the arsenal of FWs and hopium addicts everywhere.
“Love languages” are a concept from a sketchy Christian self-help guru. They’re sort of useful in helping to bridge a communication gap when one partner’s attempts to show love aren’t being received that way. But they’re also weaponized by FWs. See, if the FW’s “love language” is physical touch, then you, the chump, are obligated to show your love by providing them with sex whenever and however they want it. “But doesn’t that mean the FW is supposed to show their love for me in my ‘love language’ which is fidelity and honesty?” Silly Chump! They don’t speak your love language!
FWs also fall for the cheesiest claptrap and catch phrases in their mad hunt for rationalizations. I find these viral pop-psych concepts like “twin flame” and “love language” to be terrifyingly dumb.
Another dumb concept is the idea that anyone beyond seventh grade could be overcome by “wuv” and compelled to do shameful, hurtful things in the name of it. It’s embarrassing as hell. By my tweens I knew better than to admit to or invest in fleeting gonzo crushes. I’d keep that shit in check because even by that young age I knew those impulses typically lasted less than a few weeks or months before someone else caught my interest. If I wasn’t in danger of being exploited for believing I was head-over-heels, I was in danger of hurting the objects of it. By its nature that feeling is never real. It barely has any resemblance to real love.
HOAC, I totally agree. On the fuckwit’s computer I found him Googling, “When two empaths fall in love”, and “Can two empaths be compatible forever.” I was like, WTSF? I felt like I was looking at a high school girl’s journal. It was embarrassing. First of all, neither him, nor the sex slave GF are empaths-he has no empathetic bone in his body. He was that guy Chump Lady describes as stepping over my heaving body to microwave a hot pocket. If I had to guess, he’s a psychopath/sociopath and she’s a borderline. She is profoundly f’d up and she kind of wears it like a badge of honor. The fact that he believed he found his “empath” soulmate was incredibly sad to me. He just felt like the whole world was against him and his twu wuv, but he didn’t care at all that he hurt me and our daughter so profoundly. It’s really scary stuff as you suggest.
The military frowns upon adultery and could sanction him for it. Just be cognizant of the possibility that he could lose his job, along with any means of supporting you and your children. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. He’s a complete, irredeemable piece of shit.
This right here. Former military spouse. If he is active duty and the AP is military as well. You can and should report them to the personnel office of whatever base they are attached too. But do this AFTER you’ve gotten a lawyer and a financial support plan. Because it is entire possible he may get discharged.
In theory, yes the military doesn’t look highly on cheaters but to actually get them to do anything takes a lot of effort and evidence. (Ask me how I know. ????) Instead, I strongly recommend focusing on getting a lawyer and getting free from the fuckwit with as much parenting time as possible. Pick the important battles.
It’s not worth going through another court system. I thought about it in my situation but it wasn’t worth the struggle and prolonged exposure to the pain and his bullshit. Just lawyer up and get out as quickly as you can. He is a sinking ship. Get off the boat.
That might have been the old military. New military is they dont give a shit. Ex just retired with full honors as an officer after multiple affairs, some with lower enlisted and LTs. Also sprinkle in some sexual assaults, forced sex, DUIs, 3somes with other mil spouses. Had all the proof and him admitting and CID found nothing wrong.
The military usually DGAF about cheaters in their ranks unless there was fraternization or between a superior and his or her direct report. Military covers for cheaters. Waste of time. It rarely goes anywhere.
Listen to CL and everyone. I, too, had hopes that the baby would wake him up but it turns out he wasn’t asleep – just a fuckwit. My entire 2nd pregnancy he complained and said he “just isn’t that interested” the 2nd time around. Found out when she was 2 months old that he’d been having an affair the entire time and..surprise..many many before that. I tried everything and finally one day just gathered my community of people and sent him on his way. Be confused on your own time, dumbass- I have a toddler and an infant to raise. I am just grateful he didn’t do anything worse to me. Protect yourself and your babies and get away. I promise you will feel better and nothing is as glorious as not being responsible for some fuckwits happiness. Wishing you the best, mama.
“…nothing is as glorious as not being responsible for some fuckwits happiness.” ???? ???? ????✔
“‘He says all he wanted was respect and for me to listen to him more.’
‘He is abusive, Sarah. Your whole letter sends off alarm bells for me.'”
Yes. This is abuse. My ex was the same: demanding “respect” when he’d done nothing to earn it, and considering his opinions/wants/desires/decisions as ALWAYS superior to mine by default (even though most times they were not, particularly when it came to money).
You will be so much better off without this asshole. It will hurt, it will be hard, but think long game and get out now. No, it will not improve. No, crying about missing his family doesn’t mean he will change his behavior. Mine cried about missing me and then went straight to his mistress’ bed. It means NOTHING. He misses whatever it was you DID for him (you list quite a lot of things), NOT you. (Also FUCK the fixation on sex when you are so pregnant. “How will we have sex?” is such a selfish statement at this point. That was all my ex cared about too, even though I’d suffered both physical injury and emotional distress in a traumatic birth. He also criticized my post partum body, hated that I was breastfeeding the baby because it took time away from him. He was angry that I needed time to recover, that I was exhausted. That I chose comfortable clothes instead of thongs (ouch!) and mini skirts to entice him. You don’t need that at all. Especially not with also having a toddler.)
You are worth so much more.
What is it with FWs and thong underwear? I hear that some women actually do find them comfortable enough to wear, but I find them torture. And FW criticized me for not being sexy enough for him. He also criticized my personal grooming habits, if you know what I mean…. I blame porn. He watched it daily and couldn’t get it up without it. He thought I should look like a porn actress, I guess. No thank you.
Here’s the flip side to that SC — for years my FW detested the idea of thong underwear, made fun of it every chance she got, derided men who expressed liking seeing women wearing it, and said she appreciated that I had no interest in having her wear it (never did anything for me).
As soon as she dropped the open marriage bomb on me, what did she go out and buy? Like, in a 10-pack? . . .
And, as if on cue: “I finally feel sexy. You never wanted me to ever wear anything sexy.”
Empty shells posing as human beings.
OMG. So weird. I never made fun of it. I get why it’s sexy, but it’s just not for me. I guess that’s way too nuanced of an opinion for a FW. I now happily wear my comfy cotton briefs. 🙂
Yeah, I tried wearing lingerie near the beginning of our relationship and he was like ‘so pedestrian’ then years and years later, I find out that he likes to look at the sexy ladies in their sexy things… etc etc It was all about control for him. Unless he said he wanted it from me then he wasn’t interested. F*CK him.
Mine mocked me for wearing lingerie, he said it was stupid and a waste of money, and he didn’t care about it at all and would rather just see me naked. Years later one of his complaints was that I didn’t wear it anymore. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. They just want an excuse to insult it.
OMG! He would laugh at the nickname I had for them,{ Butt flossers}. Yet all the porn fried his humor. He got mad once because I wouldn’t wear them.
SC– He wanted you to look like a drug-addicted, abused and trafficked melted Barbie or like the former Eastern Bloc road-kill version of movie stars? I was on a feminist site for awhile where some of the very young members who’d unfortunately come of age during the explosion of streaming porn seemed to be almost lamenting that they didn’t look like porn actresses. I kept scratching my head over it. Who would want that? When I see the people involved in porn, I want to put them in a witness protection program, scrub the caked and spackled toxic makeup off them, get them in detox and on a nutrition program for a year and get them therapy for the nauseating trauma and misery that leaks out of their very pores. Tragedy isn’t sexy. There’s death around the margins of that entire industry.
He’s definitely abusive. Read “Why does he do that?” by Lundy Bancroft. You’re going to see him on those pages. Here’s a link to read it for free: https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
I would have sworn up and down my ex husband was not abusive. An asshole at times, sure, but he never abused me. Yet I felt like shit so often… I blamed myself for everything. We fought, it was my fault. He said something mean, well, I don’t look the same as I did before I got pregnant. Everything was my fault and I did everything for him. And mine also wanted me to respect him more and be more submissive, i.e. listen to him more. I read that book and it was shocking to me because I literally saw things he had said and done on those pages. And suddenly a whole lot of things made sense.
He’s not going to change. It takes a huge amount of work for abusive men to change and they have to work really hard at it and have professional help. And they have to want to change so badly they go against their own best interests because being abusive benefits them. Look how he had a wife doing everything for him and he still feels entitled to complain and cheat on you. You don’t have a unicorn. If you reconcile, you will deeply regret it. Or, you may not live to regret it because he may escalate. Like I said, I would have never called my ex husband abusive during my marriage and he was making plans to kill me. He had been fantasizing about murdering me for years. I never would have seen it coming.
Your husband is abusive. There are signs of it in your letter. Read that book and you’re going to see more signs of it. Go no contact, find a support system, protect yourself. Your kids need you. I know it hurts terribly and I’m so, so sorry. But it does get better, I promise.
That book changed my life. I would highly recommend it.
“I would have sworn up and down my ex husband was not abusive. An asshole at times, sure, but he never abused me. Yet I felt like shit so often… I blamed myself for everything. We fought, it was my fault. He said something mean, well, I don’t look the same as I did before I got pregnant. Everything was my fault and I did everything for him. And mine also wanted me to respect him more and be more submissive, i.e. listen to him more. I read that book and it was shocking to me because I literally saw things he had said and done on those pages. And suddenly a whole lot of things made sense.”
^^^^^^
THIS. I could have written this word for word.
I never thought my ex would be capable of really hurting me (pushing and shoving, throwing things at me – I didn’t name that as ABUSE, because I was so convinced it was all my fault), until the night almost killed me in a drunken rage (for the unforgivable crime of falling asleep during a movie). He picked me up by my neck and threw me across the room. I missed cracking my skull open on the corner of our piano by INCHES. He knocked the wind out of me, and as soon as I recovered enough to get up, I fled the house and went to my mother’s. I have no memory of that drive.
I’m glad you got out alive.
And it does get better. MUCH better.
Thank you for that link!
Yes! Any man who feels this entitled DOES NOT see his family members as individual, valuable people with their own rights. He does not see you (or anyone else) as worthy of basic human dignity. That is the problem. It’s not what he does, it’s what he IS: a very sick person with antisocial personality disorder.
They’d have to admit they were wrong. That’s not going to happen.
He is not who you thought you were marrying. If at his vows he had stood in front of god and his family and told everyone he was going to cheat on you and leave you alone pregnant with a toddler you would have left the altar.
Make a secret plan and get out. I know it seems hard but you are already doing everything on your own so how much harder can it really be? Get safe, get free, all of us are here for you ❤️
Also – I am seeing red over him asking you to “listen to him more” while he was lying and concealing things from you. What was there to listen to if there is no truth? There aren’t enough cacti in the world for this guy.
I got the “you never listen” thing as well. Of course in retrospect it’s easy to see that the times I actually would talk over him or block him out during a discussion or disagreement it was because he was lying through his teeth. Lies are “unlistenable.”
Thank you <3
If there’s one thing I’ve learned about people in general, but men in particular, is basically ignore what someone says and watch what they do. Your husband’s words are he “misses his family” but his actions are he has voluntarily separated himself from his family. He asks “how will you ever have sex” but his actions are to remove himself from your bedroom first now your state. Pay attention to what he does and ignore what he says. His actions, I’m very sorry to say, are not of that of a loving and devoted husband who is excited to grow his family. His actions are those of a cheater and an abuser who is trying to escape consequences. Hang in there. You can do this. We’re here to help.
I was pregnant with number three when the affair that I know about started. I was pregnant with number four when I found out about the affair. TWO pregnancies and FOUR children did not illicit a 180. I filed for divorce when my baby was three months old, and he was still cheating. I’m so very sorry, but you need to start acting like you’ve processed and accepted that it’s over, even though it may be months or years until you are actually there mentally and emotionally. It’s time to fake it until you make it. Also, do everything you can to breastfeed your child, because that does affect custody. I would even go so far as to tell him think you’re supportive of him asking for a relocation, let him get boxed into the relocation by the military, and then stay where you are. He can’t force you to go, and it will be very much in your favor for custody. You wouldn’t be lying, because you should be very supportive of him finding himself several hundred miles away from you. Chump Lady is spot on in her advice, especially that this is abuse. You are victim of domestic abuse. I’ll ask you the same question my therapist asked me, “Would you stay with him if he were physically abusing you?” Many, many hugs to you sweet sister.
THIS 1000%. Use this time when he’s focused on AP to line up your ducks for full custody. Let him move to another state. Let him think he’s getting whatever he wants. While you quietly plan your exit with your precious babies. It is not in your children’s best interest to have dual custody with a FW, and if you can avoid co-parenting with a FW for the next 18 years, consider yourself blessed. PROTECT them from him. You’re their only invested parent. Protect them from not only emotional and physical harm, but his modeling really shitty behavior. Hurry though, this AP won’t last and when it crashes and burns he’s going to turn to channel rage and try to be very, very controlling of you. <>
Even if you don’t count the deleterious effects of stress due to emotional abuse, cheating is physical abuse. Some STDs can kill and, statistically, cheaters are far more prone to contract them and infect others than even people in “open” relationships.
Great tip about breastfeeding to protect custody. Not everyone can do it but if possible, that’s yet another benefit aside from being excellent for babies’ immune systems. Mom gets the benefits of oxytocin which can be helpful for stress as well. I know there are recent studies warning that cortisol can be passed through breast milk but I’m reserving judgment until I can sleuth whether these have been funded by formula companies. It’s well known that infants are also exquisitely sensitive to social and emotional cues of trauma and stress and it’s known that the physical contact and bonding involved breastfeeding can significantly counter the effects of stress for both mom and baby. For those who can’t breastfeed for whatever reason, tons of contact and cuddling are the ticket.
Even thinking about this makes me even more pissed off at anyone who would thwart new mothers’ well-being and security.
I’m pretty sure I’ve seen this question before …
“Have you seen men do a 180 and become a unicorn after the baby is born? ”
As far as he goes, the only baby in the family who counts is HIM. Having to compete with a toddler is bad enough for HIM, but just imagine how HE would suffer after a newborn crashes HIS party.
And he cries that he misses his family? Maybe he’s crying because he’s aware how miserably inadequate he is, how completely he’s failed as a man and an adult.
When my sister was only 23, she gave birth to her much-wanted first child, who was born with severe mental and physical disabilities. Her husband, who was only 22 at the time, stepped up to the plate and pitched in enthusiastically as a father and a husband. THAT is what real men do. I point this out because we have so many stories on here about failed men (and failed women) so it’s important to remember: we CAN have standards. There ARE men who get it right the first time around, and don’t sit around weeping while the family meets its needs without him.
My sister and her husband are now in their 60’s, retired, with children and grandchildren and a support system they’ve spent a lifetime building and investing in.
Your unicorn had one chance to get it right, and he failed. Let him look back on that in his 60’s, if he even makes it that far, and wonder why other men have what he doesn’t have.
Wow, this really hit home.
The x is in his late sixties with almost nothing in the way of family now (one older brother), after blowing up/blowing off the family I worked hard to create for us over the course of decades.
His worst fear was dying alone and he certainly earned it.
FWs seem to think their genitals are the perpetual family newborns requiring all the one-sided care, attention and sacrifice of everyone around them.
My husband’s abuse got much worse after we had our baby. My husband resented how much time the baby took, was jealous of the “attention” (meaning: basic care) the baby got. Angry that I spent so much time feeding the baby. Feeding. The. Baby.
Even when our son was a bit older, my husband was still resentful. I remember when both he and our kid were sick at the same time. He yelled at me that I took better care of our son than I did of him. And I was like “He’s 2, you’re a grown man. Of COURSE he gets more care!” It’s ridiculous what babies they are.
Overall, it doesn’t sound like he is mature enough to change, or be a helpful partner with 2 children. But, as a military chump, the main thing I want to share is that you should, right away, go to the base legal services or legal assistance office. The attorneys there can tell you what support he has to provide you during a separation (and before there is a court order), and what other services and support may be available to you, and that is all confidential between them and you. You could also report his actions to the command if you want them to investigate and possibly take negative action against him, but, honestly, that won’t benefit you in the short-term, aside from making you feel better. Long-term, it probably will not benefit you if he is in trouble or loses money or his career. Also, military investigations into affairs and adultery can be very unpleasant for the people who report (he may try to blame you for things or make you look bad, and you don’t need that). I have chosen not to report my FW’s horrible behavior to the military because I have balanced carefully the pros and cons to me and my children and have decided it is still an overall bad choice. I may change my mind if he continues with more crap, as it may turn into an overall good choice. But, for now, my recommendation is for you to focus on the support you can get and how the AF and his command may be able to help you with that.
Totally agree. Make sure you et what you can and they can have the support come to your account directly. Get advice from legal services and then get a lawyer who is used to doing military divorce. Get a bank account lined up and do NOT let him return. Make sure you get what he owes you because the military will not let him be a deadbeat Dad. Your FW is not a unicorn. Make you get the money that you and your kids are entitled to.
Meanwhile, do a lot of self care, you are going to give birth and that is not easy or stress free. Make sure you do all the right things for yourself, your toddler and the new baby. Most of all get rid of the cheating, lying piece of crap. Men who do this to women when they are most vulnerable deserve a special place in hell. Hugs to you. You CAN do this. It will not be easy but you will be much better off without a cheater.
I cannot emphasize the first point enough. Even if your lawyer suggests child support/alimony gets paid via personal check, insist it goes through your state’s child support system. That way, he can’t simply decide to stop paying while you pay thousands in court fees to get money owed. Asked me how I know.
Whether you report the adultery to the military or not, gathering evidence sounds like a great idea. Maybe you can spare yourself some headache later with that leverage. Maybe he’ll be less vindictive to spare himself the consequences of his adultery exposed.
A man this cruel will absolutely, without a doubt, physically hurt you and your children if you stay with him. If you don’t divorce him right now and you allow him to live with you he will snap. It is not if, but when.
He is obviously severely emotionally ill. Please do not allow him near you or your children, ever. He is not safe in any way.
sarah, i’m sorry that you’re here–i’m sorry we’re all here–but there is much wisdom in the collective.
so, deep breaths and don’t forget your iron supplement. please take good care of yourself, your health is of great importance–tell your doctor what is going on and make a birth plan with them. and get STI testing, including hepatitis, done. your X may have passed a disease along to you. you cannot trust what he says.
do you have a therapist? please call for a counselling appointment.
the biggest turning point for me in the process of recovering from this shit show (17 months post D-day) was realizing my X does not have the capacity for love. who cares what his love language is, he does not have the capacity for love. he just doesn’t. there are reasons for it and that’s for him to sort out, if he ever does, not my business anymore. but he just doesn’t have the capacity for love. realizing this freed me up to let go of any idea that he might “come to his senses” because he doesn’t have any senses.
your H doesn’t have any senses either. further, he’s cruel and abusive.
but you’ve got love to give to your kids, and your self. you’ve got your senses, always have, always will. with the proper support of true friends and family, you’ll get through.
that should read “adjusted” birth plan. do not invite H into the delivery room. the doctor and nurses are there for you, he is not.
I am not a lawyer, but I do know that divorce laws vary state to state in the US. A quick google search suggests you would need to be separated for one year to divorce in South Carolina, but in Connecticut you would only need to be separated 90 days. I am sure there are other differences in terms of how property gets divided, how custody gets set up, how child support gets calculated. Please get legal advice asap, and don’t move anywhere until you do. (I am so sorry you are going through this and look forward to the time when you can enjoy your children, especially your new baby, with the peace of being fuckwit free.)
I’m not a military expert on legal services but my Dad was career military and I was married to an Air Force Officer. Other’s on Chump Nation might have better and more updated information..
Find out what squadron he’s being assigned to, then contact the commanding officer of the squadron, tell him your story.
There are two Air Force Bases in South Carolina, Charleston AFB and Shaw AFB.
Contact the Judge Advocate Office on Base and talk to an Air Force Attorney, he or she should be able to guide you and let you know what to expect financially and what medical coverage is available for your children
You should also contact a civilian attorney to make certain the information you’re told by the Judge Advocate is correct.
Sarah,
There is a special kind of Cheater that when they’ve just been busted for cheating or when the allure of the AP proves too much, seek to shed their spouse and children like a snake sheds its skin. They give no thought whatsoever to the damage that this causes to others, wanting to just walk away and leave others to deal with the mess they’ve made. I suspect that you have one of those; he shows no remorse for what he has done to you and your children and his focus is entirely on his needs.
People like this don’t change and he sees you (and your children) as acceptable collateral damage. You need to accept that, regardless of what he says about missing his family, he will never be worthy of you and will never treat you (and your children) in the way that he should. Follow CL’s advice; go low/no contact, get you ducks in a row and divorce his cheating ar*e and build a better life for you and your children.
LFTT
“There is a special kind of Cheater that when they’ve just been busted for cheating or when the allure of the AP proves too much, seek to shed their spouse and children like a snake sheds its skin. They give no thought whatsoever to the damage that this causes to others, wanting to just walk away and leave others to deal with the mess they’ve made. ”
And I would submit that most of them really believe they are entitled to do this and that most others will just accept them and in short time their life will go on as usual. In other words They are just switching out one appliance for another, and their life goes on.
For some it works, (usually the very rich) for most it does not go nearly as smoothly as they envisioned.
SL,
Ex-Mrs LFTT was one of those snakes. She dropped the kids and I like a red hot sh*t smeared rock to be with her AP and expected me (and the kids) to just accept it without complaint. Indeed, the only time that she raised custody arrangements during our divorce (none of them wanted to live with her) was to try and leverage a better settlement for herself. I am by no means rich …. and even the Judge and her legal team were taken aback by what she was demanding.
As you suggest …. it did not go smoothly for her. She didn’t get anything like the settlement she was demanding and, 7 years down the line, our kids (now 26, 23 and 18) have minimal contact with her and refuse to have anything to do with her AP.
I f*cking hate snakes when they take human form.
LFTT
Questionable commitment to the marriage, and you’re pregnant? Projecting his guilt and shame to dump on you? All of that and more?
Just no. This is not going to turn around.
Don’t be a fool like me. Listen to Chumplady!! This a terrible timing for you, but he is not there for you now and he never will be. They do not change. Gather as many support people around as you can, lawyer up, get an order for exclusive possession of the house, custody, support. And strict orders to family/friends/hospital security that he is not permitted anywhere near you when you go to have the baby. They are like sharks smelling blood and he will try to prey on your vulnerability.
Ha, different love languages… Had to hear that too. These fuckers… Let me guess, yours is giving and his is taking, taking and taking, endlessly and not even being thankful for it. No need to guess really, what you told CL says it all. Run away from this freak ASAP and don’t give him nothing from you anymore. Save all of your love for your children, your STBXH isn’t worth even your hatred – let us hate him for you.
You sound coolheaded notwithstanding the shitstorm you’re through right now. I hope you can keep calm while you make your moves. Make them unbeknownst to him, don’t tip your hand. Give him nothing, no foresight. Wishing the best for you and your babies.
I think a lot of these “love languages” and how to survive an affair etc are just more detailed manuals for cheaters on how to excuse themselves and blame others.
“your STBXH isn’t worth even your hatred – let us hate him for you.”
???? Can do.
I hope you have family support, your family not his. Call a lawyer today and start proceedings. You may think you need this cheater right now because you have a toddler and a baby on the way but he’s shown himself to be weak and stupid. You will be much better off in the long run without this FW. There is no future with a scumbag cheater. One more thing…these asswipes will say anything, it means nothing. He’s cheating yet he has twisted it to say that you didn’t love him enough? He’s deserting you and says he misses his family? Stop listening to his crap.
Sarah, I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I second everything CL has said, especially the part about getting a support system in place. That’s key.
Also, please remember that this OW did not win a prize, and you didn’t lose a prize. He’s not a good person.
Life can really suck sometimes. I’m so sorry. But you sound strong. You got this!
((hugs))
This has better information. https://www.statesidelegal.org/divorce-military-families-how-it-s-different-what-you-need-know
Tracy you can delete my last link for Law.com =)
“Due to him being in the Air Force he’s now claiming that he is “going to be asked to relocate.” Wouldn’t you know it…. to South Carolina. He claims all of the bases closer to Connecticut “aren’t hiring for his position.””
This makes no sense. Folks in the military (all four branches) don’t seek positions and “get hired”. They are moved to locations where they are needed, or for training etc.
While I get that now they do things a little different in terms of folks joining the military can choose what expertise they want to join in said branch, still they are beholden to go where needed and as ordered.
Unless he is actually a contractor working for the AF, in which case he is not considered to be in the military he would be a DoD contractor. Whole different thing.
Aside from that he is a lying asshole and needs to be drop kicked.
I’m connecting the dots around “He has always wanted to move to South Carolina (we live in Connecticut)… and he flew to South Carolina to meet this new AP.”
I don’t think this affairing-around is something he just started 2 weeks ago. Maaayyyybe he just started with the current one 2 weeks ago but i highly doubt that too.
Hugs
Sarah, please print what CL wrote and stick it up throughout your house:
What you “need” from this man can be extracted legally — child support, health insurance, division of assets. Everything else is toxic and is creating MORE of a burden in your life. Getting rid of him will be addition by subtraction.
This is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth!
Call lawyers today. Hire the best one. Go stay with your parents or loving siblings, aunt’s or other nurturing friend (preferably one that has given birth). Stay for as long as you and your babies can. Get the help and care you need and deserve!
Please stay no contact with this POS. you are young. There will be plenty of time to partner again with a mature, compassionate, loving, kind, beautiful person who wants you and only you and who will love the blessing of being in your Childrens’ lives. 100% certain of this.
Hugs to you mama. I’m so sorry he did this to you. It’s reality— he’s evil and will never change. They get worse, never better.
$5 says his parents or the OW want access to the baby and your toddler. Be strong. See him never.
Oh no, no no no, Sarah.
Mine left me cooling my heels at the hospital with a 3 week preemie who had just been released so he could “go to rehearsal” for hours. I couldn’t leave without a ride and a car seat, and he was my only option.
Fast forward to now (12 years later). Knocks up one of the many Schmoopies. She’s not even 2 months in and he finds another AP. Doesn’t tell AP about his new girlfriend, nor the impending kid.
A month before she whelps, he marries her. AP doesn’t find out about the wedding until afterwards. He also tells the AP the kid isn’t his. They needed a paternity test.
Kid born, tells AP that there is only an 80% chance the kid is his. That he will be getting divorced “soon”.
It’s 2 1/2 years later, still married, AP finally figures out she will be nothing more than a side piece.
So no, having a baby does NOTHING to change a FW. He will still cheat on you. He just made sure he has a new place to live for the foreseeable future.
Sarah you will be prayed for today
CL is right – do NOT move to SC. Your kids will be under CT court and he will be judged as having ABANDONING the kids. You WANT this to happen to him – the judges don’t like spouses that do this. Ask me how I know – my FW moved 2,000 miles away and I got 99% of the assets, child support, kids with me 95% of the time. Do NOT tell your Cheater the plans. Be mum. Don’t disclose anything to the FW.
I’d bet money this started with the first pregnancy and escaped her notice. I just googled “men who cheat during pregnancy” and it was pages and pages and pages of references – blaming it all on the wife, of course. According to google, the further you are into gestation, the more likely he is to cheat. Sickening.
My ex-husband started acting strange during pregnancy. He wasn’t happy at the “news” either. I dream here & there of that time & funny enough, it always ends with me walking away from him taking my pregnant belly with me. This is what happens when I ignore my intuition, my gut instinct. My subconscious mind keeps trying to rewrite what deep down I know I should’ve done, but ignored to “keep the family together” or “he’ll be happier later” or “men can act like that when they’re about to become a dad” …all the pre-recorded scripts & lies we listen to & tell ourselves.
My wife was a two time military chump. She has told me it doesn’t matter to the military that they cheat with other people in the military. That they are even encouraged to do it. Her first husband had 6 months of training in South Carolina and lived with a woman stationed there for 6 months! My wife said when she relocated to the base there and found out what happened it was so horrible living with people who knew about the cheating. Her 2nd husband was cheating wherever he was stationed.
Your husband won’t miraculously turn into a unicorn just because you have a baby. My ex wife cheated before, during, and after both of the kids were born (one was mine and the other was one of the AP’s). I am so sorry you are going through this! Hope you have a healthy baby!
I stayed when he cheated and my youngest was a baby. He was better for a little while. But it got worse and worse. I stayed for 16 more years. I raised my kids alone in a house where I was supposed to have a partner. I did all the kids sports alone, Dr appts, pretty much EVERYTHING to deal with the kids I did ALL alone. I regularly say I should have left many many many years before but I didn’t. Life is short. Don’t be me, I have so many regrets and I am 55 and single. Your kids have the chance of never seeing you be abused. GO NOW.
I also hate him for you, Sarah. Please get yourself and your children to safety.
i fucking hate that guy on Sarah’s behalf. i do.
I got told exact same thing. He said he had to move too, out of state, but interestingly, it happened to be much closer to where the whore lived. He said there weren’t any jobs in our current state. (lie). Then a year later, he moved again, even closer to the whore, 2 miles away from where she worked. Said it was all coincidence and it wasn’t how it looked. (another lie.) he hemmed and hawed the whole tkme, about how I didn’t love him enough and I didn’t respect him. ( I shined his shoes and would drive to the pharmacy in the middle of the night to get his needed supplies for “business trips. ” He said he didn’t feel a spark anymore after I birthed two babies, wasn’t sure he wanted to be married needed more time to think about comitting to me and staying in the marriage (Said this one tearfully after he already moved away). Marriage therapist was fed up with him but wouldn’t lay it out for me like Chump Lady. Everything she says is dead on. The charm, rage and self-pity personalities that come out (watch for them, mine does all three.) I could go on, but the point is, I heard the very same things from my jerk face too. I waited a year for him to come to his senses, but I filed when he didn’t want to adequately cover our children on his new insurance plan from work. You and those precious children are WORTH more than this. He is a BUM. The rub is he will make you think that it is YOUR FAULT that he isn’t happy. Don’t buy in. He is gaslighting you. No contact and that starts now. There are better men out there, I promise. We got stuck with dreck for husbands. File for divorce and watch him squirm. Stick to your decision when you file, and protect your children so that they don’t become him or become somebody who tolerates abuse. Would you want your children to be treated the way you are? This isn’t your fault and they don’t come back and return to the person you thought they were. You have to make a new life. Come here everyday and l read this blog. It will save your sanity and give you the strength you need when you hear more of his lies. Please update us.
I’m not sure why cheaters do this…but I know of at least 10 couples that relocated to another state and shortly after the move the wife was dumped for another woman. I’m sure this happens to husbands as well I’m just going by what I have personally witnessed. I don’t know if the cheaters plan the discard before the move or it just happens. My guess is that the cheater is keen on the move and possibly needs all the marital funds to make the move? Not sure, maybe CN can provide some input. Looking back years ago my first cheater (sociopath) wanted to relocate 2 hours away from where we lived and all our friends lived. I was game at first as things were not good and I thought maybe a different location would help. Of course my head was up my ass at the time, I was very young. Luckily the move never happened but when he traveled out of the country for work he got himself a new girlfriend and I got the discard. Of course the job didn’t last but the girlfriend moved up to the states pregnant. About 6 months after the discard I was extremely grateful and always wanted to thank the baby momma for helping with our breakup.
Agree about the moving thing. Klootzak was about to retire from the military and announced that we would be moving to the other end of the state and after we moved, he thought we would then divorce. WTF!?! I don’t have a support network in the other place and it is way more expensive to live there. I held him off and then the pandemic railroaded his plan. But he had tipped his hand and it gave me time to find an attorney, get ducks in a row, etc. He is still planning to take a position in the other location. Once he seals the deal, I will file, which will hopefully avoid a battle for the house. I will stay right where I am with cheaper cost of living and all of my child’s and my friends. It’s unbelievably selfish of these FWs to move spouse and kids to a new place with no network and then dump them flat. And of course, the court won’t let them move back.
Sarah is in a good position if she is located where she has support of family and friends. Thank goodness she had not moved with him and then got dumped. She needs to get a good attorney – former JAG, preferably – and file fast. Lock in support for the kids and herself while FW is still in the haze of his AP.
The US Military family support groups are big on the Love Languages. Ex cheater and I also had different love languages. Shockingly (sarcasm) I discovered my love language was “acts of service”. That is because I was a wife appliance. I don’t think that is my actual love language. In a healthy relationship my love language would be something different. Just another red flag. Move in with family, divorce the jerk, love your babies and regain your sanity.
Yeah this is the “love language” I was forced into as well..
I hope you have an amazing support system in CT and if not, can find a way for them to come to you or for you eventually go to them. My mom is like an orca grandma, making sure me and the kids are thriving.
Will having the baby make him do a 180? I think there is a possibility that he may decide to stick around after he considers what he has to lose, namely money and image. Unfortunately, so many cheaters are hollow shells of people and growing empathy and kindness isn’t gonna just happen without a lot of hard, unpleasant work. So yes, he may decide to try sucking you back into his life. No, you shouldn’t take it as a positive development. Stay the hell away from him.
YES, Limbo Chumpian is in my experience correct that he is moving to try to hoover you back, and right about his motivations for doing so.
Agree Tracy 200% what is wrong with these losers? What kind of a man sleeps around on his pregnant wife?
Mine kind of husband….
The dumb ass I married.
Everything important and true has already been said this morning. I am simply going to add my voice and vote to the chorus of guardian angels here and say
Do EVERYTHING in your power to get away from this mean ugly horrible evil jackass who, if properly ranked, would be whatever the lowest of the lowest rank is.
Give this creep a DISHONORABLE DISCHARGE from your life.
Keep coming back here for strength and truth and love and support and info.
Everyone ignore the finger emoji…..it’s a typo……unless you’re a cheater lurking here.
This situation is extremely dangerous for Sarah, her not yet born baby, and her 2-year old. I’m not saying this cheater *will* do something physical, I’m saying Sarah is at extremely high risk and so vulnerable . This is terrifying to me to read. Absolutely focus on birthing the baby and lawyering up. Laser focus. If there’s any way someone-friend-supportive parent- someone NOT the cheater- could stay w/ Sarah and help for a good chunk of time….if not an option—make a plan for yourself. I’m guessing lawyers can Zoom if u can’t see in person due to having a newborn. You can do this, Sarah. Do not stay with, meet up with, believe anything cheater says.
An entitled FW absolutely will NOT do a 180 after a child is born. If anything, his abuse of you will escalate. OMG, a vulnerable newborn is getting more attention than him! Men who cheat on their pregnant wives should have court mandated vasectomies, since they clearly only care about one child – themselves. Sarah, you will have your hands full with two kids. You certainly don’t need a man-child in the mix.
Please be strong. I am so sorry you are dealing with this right now. Let us know how your baby is doing, and DO NOT name it after the sperm donor.
Please listen to chumplady. You have a chance to raise those babies in a home without the poison of abuse which would have haunted them their entire lifetime. My experience is that they carry it forward – either as abusers or chumps themselves. Its devastating to have to witness and feel responsible for.
Take advantage of his new tingly affair to quickly get cut as free of him as possible. Let a good attorney put your life back under your control by cutting all legal ties. His true colors will become clearer and clearer to you as you get out of the abuse fog.
Chump nation sends love and strength! You will make it! I would come and nanny for you if you lived in my area. Find your midwife/nanny/lactation support circle. A circle of strong women.
Hi- all great advice here. And hard AF. My stbx started in Sept 2022 and I discovered the affair NYE. I was 5 mo pregnant. With twins. We have 2 older kids. We were doing couples counseling. He made his list of things he needed to thrive. Our family wasn’t on it. But exploring polyamory was. ‘Baby burnout’ was. Spending time with his friends was #1 on his list (without me) and come to find out one of them was his AP – who was at our wedding of 24 people. My list was all about our family, my self care and self advocacy so I could be a better wife, mother, sister, daughter etc. Upon reflection, the selfishness and entitlement is unreal. I just gave birth to my babies 2 weeks ago. It’s incredibly hard. I am grieving the man I thought I married in one breath. And then in the other being reminded of who he has become. Get a lawyer. Ask everyone you can to help. Protect yourself. Set and enforce your boundaries. And feel all your feels. Giving birth without my partner was so incredibly sad. But the thought of giving birth with this person I don’t know, who could disrespect me like this was way worse. Call on your tribe. They will show up for you and your babies. You can do this. And you will be ok.
A partner or spouse could be present during childbirth and you could still feel/be alone. I know that as a fact.
The ex actually voiced disgust to me about things my body did during the first birth. I felt shame. He voiced to others how it changes your life for the worst to others with me there holding our child.
With the second child, I now realize his affair was in full swing. Ohh the anger!! I was planning on leaving after a particular assault but got pregnant and aggressive cancer within those15 months. Cue to not sleep with someone you’re not going to stay with. I flushed 18 more heavily abusive years down the drain.
The nurse had to tell him to get up because the birth was about to happen. He was sooo tired he claimed over and over later.
I had gotten up an hour earlier than him that morning. Had to get things ready for our 3yr and take her with me to work against policy until my family could help. Place her in a corner with a tv and thank god was a quiet toddler. And had been diagnosed with cancer the day before but didn’t tell anyone because I was in shock. By lunch, I was so overwhelmed that I just left a note on my desk and went home. The Dr called when I got home and said I needed to arrive in a few hours for induction. It was aggressive and they couldn’t wait full term. I had to scramble child care, get in touch with the ex, say bye to DD and go to the hospital. HE was tired!
I think having genuine support, even if it was only the staff, would make those memories so much happier. Maybe it’s a lose lose situation. I’m angry about what happened. I may would have been hurt/angry if he had bailed as well but I wish he wasn’t a part of my actual hospital birth memories. If he had bailed at least he would have shown everyone what a shit he really is but instead gotta give public appearance without effort.
Sarah,
Your story pains my heart because there’s no choice immediately before you that comes without pain and stress and that is the last thing on earth a pregnant woman needs. But at least one of those choices, the one championed by CL and CN, provides hope for a future for you and your children: dumping the sociopathic asshole. The other choice– moving to another state so that your dangerous STBX has an easier time divorcing you and arranging visitation– carries pain now and even more pain later and then heaps of pain for your children.
One thing on your side is that you happen to be in a state with the best laws regarding abusive partners. Stay in Connecticut if just for the new anti-coercive control law called “Jennifer’s Law” that was added to domestic violence protections in memory of two women who were murdered by their STBX husbands. Read the history of it– it’s very sobering: https://www.fox61.com/article/news/local/jennifers-law-closer-look-connecticuts-new-domestic-violence-law/520-8ea71886-ab2d-4998-a556-d47c37e2753d
The law is cutting edge because one of the problems victims have in getting away from abusive but not-yet-violent spouses is that most statutes only recognize extreme violence and death threats as domestic violence despite the fact that most abuse within abusive relationships– and really the most paralyzing abuse according to most victims– is emotional, financial and psychological. Yet victims were unable to get orders of protection against abusive partners based on coercive control until recently and then only in some places. So stay where you are precisely because the new law may be one reason why your STBX wants you to move. If you stay where you are, he’ll have a harder time intimidating you, playing games, punishing and retaliating during a divorce and you could be able to get an order of protection against him if he even tries.
One question you had boils down to whether what your STBX is doing constitutes serious abuse. As a former advocate for domestic violence survivors, I would say absolutely yes. Cheating, abandonment, back-filling your relationship in order to blame you for his own choices (gaslighting), etc., are part of the arsenal of coercive control. Read the book on the subject by forensic social worker and dv expert Evan Stark.
Batterers tend to operate on a beat-by-need basis, preferring less athletic and less legally risky control tactics as long as they produce the same basic results– a flattened, inert victim without agency. Since you’re pregnant and emotionally, financially, physically and psychologically vulnerable, he easily has you over a barrel so the “violence” he expresses towards you is verbal, psychological and likely financial because he may perceive that it doesn’t take much to crush and paralyze you. It’s something only a monster would do to a pregnant woman. I would suspect he’s capable of worse if, God forbid, push were to come to shove.
Please be safe and get your supports together.
“With a spiny cactus up your ass, you m*therf*cker.”
Dip it in or rub it with a ghost pepper first, please. 1,000,000 Scoville Heat Units, roughly.
Sarah, happy mother’s day to you, from a mom of two, formerly married to a military cheater.
I know no two situations are the same, but apparently we are both such insufficient wives! Because my ex husband said the literal exact same things to me. Love language and everything. (Do they give Airmen those books? They do in the Army.)
Funny how they all suffer so, when we are doing everything for the family and they fly around doing literally whatever they want. Mine also cheated while “working” (12-hour shifts! Can’t Skype! Poor baby!) The entitlement and constant need for praise and hero-worship I know is not unique to military members, but it is frighteningly common.
I wasn’t pregnant, but we had children in preschool and kindergarten. I was doing everything myself. Oh sure, he helped out when he happened to be home, but he usually wasn’t (and never predictably). Only after I caught him, he complained about my post-baby body. He worked out every day because he didn’t have to take care of the kids. He complained AP praised his “physique,” and I didn’t. Gross. So maybe your husband will be excited about the new baby and change his tune, but what’s going to happen by the time this child is two years old like your first? Babies are miracles, but sadly they don’t perform miracles on fuckwits. The entitlement and insatiable thirst for validation won’t go away.
Here is what happened to me after DDay & ex’s list of complaints. I got therapy. He moved overseas after two months. And then with him not in my face and some professional help, I started to see. That I did nothing wrong. That he was always this way. That even if he did all the right things now to try to avoid divorce, nothing was going to change his character. That I was already doing everything for my family myself. That he could still be the same exact part-time father he already was if we were divorced.
So I divorced. It was hard. Three years from DDay I still need help as a single working mom. But I’m OK! The kids are OK! And I’m so glad I didn’t try to cling to someone who neither appreciated me as a person nor all the things I did for him. He moved back CONUS and is actually with his kids MORE now than he was before (child support %s provide that little extra incentive).
There was a short time after DDay when ex husband was somewhat candid. He said he wouldn’t be able to handle it if I cheated. He said he couldn’t stay with the AP because they couldn’t trust each other. He basically told me he was entitled, selfish and untrustworthy. You have all the information you need now. You know who he is and you know you didn’t deserve to be treated like this. And basically everything Tracy said. I saw it myself.
All that matters now is being a great mom to your babies, and that means protecting all of you from someone unreliable who doesn’t have your best interest at heart. Hugs.
Contact the motherf@#*er’s C.O., stat!! Not to say you should hope said CO will snap him into shape, but it’ll take him down a notch or two and put him under a microscope, making sure he doesn’t jerk you around further & you get what you & your kids need first.
Chumptydumpty, sadly it’s 50/50 whether the CO even bothers to take a stand, but if the guy THINKS he’ll get in trouble, that could be useful. She won’t want him to get punished too severely, because she’ll need his pay. But the threat was useful in my case.
But Sarah – don’t report him (or threaten to) if you think for a moment that he could harm you. It’s not worth your safety.
This breaks my heart. I was 35 weeks pregnant with an extremely wanted child (after struggling with infertility) with a toddler at home when I had DDay #2 and #3. It was the most painful and difficult time in my life. Please listen to the advice here. And I am sending you a lot of virtual hugs. You got this. You are stronger than you could ever imagine. Sending you so much love and strength.
Oh Sarah, my heart goes out to you, the victim of another godbedamned military cheater. Those dishonorable fucks are a dime a dozen. Keep your precious, extremely vulnerable self away from that cheater. Listen to Tracy.
Go to Jag and ask all about divorcing that monster wearing a uniform masquerading as an Airman. They can’t represent you but they can give you good information. Then hire the civilian “pitbull of a lawyer” with prior military divorce experience.
There is no hope here. He is a cheater and will always be a cheater. Hit him with papers while he is busily fucking around. Let that unrepentant asshole go.
Today schedule a STI panel as that fuck could have endangered your baby too. Check your money. Move half of it into your own account today. Secure your valuables and documents. Make a checklist and get to work.
Get away from him. He is no good.
Look up article 134 of the Uniform Code of Military Justice. There are serious consequences for adultery/abandoning minor children etc. And financial issues too. You hold all the cards here. Use this information to get everything you want and need. You should be operating from a position of power here. You can destroy his career. Whatever you decide to do make sure it is the best interest of you and your children.
See a lawyer now. One who regularly deals with the UCMJ.
Best of luck to you!
I had to leave after reading your comment so I’m just now getting a chance to tell you the smartest thing I have ever read. “When they show you who they are believe them the first time”. That’s from Maya Angelou and it is right on the money. He has shown you many times who he is and it’s scary.
On the flipside, my sister-in-law abandoned her husband and very young children and has never returned. She was adorable and precious and loving and everything else until one day she was not anymore. I don’t know how people manage to keep their masks on as long as they do but hers fell off with a thud and so has your husband’s. No he is not coming back. I want you to be realistic about that. Those kinds of people do not come back
Sara
My heart goes out to you but you and your children wil be fine and more secure without that lying piece of crap in your life. Don’t keep him in your life infecting you and the kids with his disgusting narcissistic behavior. Your kids will pay for it. You deserve so much better. All of us here have had situations like this and have made
It thru to the other side Stay strong ????????
Oh Sarah. My heart goes out to you. I was you five years ago, except baby #2 was six weeks old when I found out about the affair.
Chump Lady is right. He won’t change. That affair was the first of several. I spent two years hoping he would come to his senses. He didn’t.
It was an awful time, but you know what? I was surrounded by love throughout it. My family, friends, church, doctors and nurses, random strangers when I needed them – ask for help and it will be given to you. There is a special place in hell for those who cheat on pregnant wives, and there’s a lovely piece of heaven on earth for those of us who were cheated on. People will rise up and support you and you will get through it. One day, one sleep, one feed, one nappy change at a time. There’s nothing like a new born baby to cuddle when you’re heartbroken. They’ll never judge you and you can tell them anything you like.
You’ll discover a strength you didn’t know you had. The road ahead is hard and will almost break you at times but you will get through it. I know this because I see your inner strength and beautiful heart shine through your post. You can do this for your precious babies.
Come here often. Talk to your doctor. Mine put me on anti-anxiety meds as soon as I told her what was going on and it was the best thing she could have done for me. See a counsellor (a good one). Ask your family and friends for help.
So much love to you Sarah. You can do this.
Stay away from SC. In most cases, you have to be legally separated for one year before you can file for divorce in SC. RUN to your nearest JAG office and seek their advice. If you are able, get input from the best civilian divorce attorney you can find as well. Until your divorce is final, you should be entitled to half of his BAH, regardless of where he is living. Protect yourself and your kids from him!
Welcome to the Nomore family!! Sad you need to be here but you are safe here
Hi Sarah please take exquisite care of yourself right now – your story is totally heartbreaking and along with everybody here I am definitely rooting for you and your kids…. I’m currently living out the “relocation” part of what you’re going through (not military though) husband and I decided to move to another state, bought a house, and not long after the ink dried on our deed – you guessed it – I got chumped. He’s distant, surly, angry just the same as you mentioned.
So now in addition to all the regular hurts that come with being a chump wife I also have to deal with the reality of disposing of this new house (or trying to negotiate a buyout) that we bought together and paying my half of the Chump Tax I didn’t ask for to the IRS too. The other poster’s are right I’m living proof – know your own options cold before you sign a lease or get a mortgage or ship anything you personally value. Take care of your own interests and your kids’ interests first and don’t let him or his timeline intimidate you. It sounds awful I know and I can’t imagine how it feels to have all this piled on you right now – but I would give anything not to have a lot of cash tied up in this less than 6 month old house as I get legal stuff in order. I want to just cut and run and I can’t, yet…. Fingers crossed that once you wind down your home in CT you have a pathway to safely go your own way if that’s your decision.
Best wishes of course for a healthy baby in the days ahead! You are amazingly strong!
Star: The real estate market is up in most areas. Also since you have not been in the house very long, your profit will probably not be enough for a sizable tax bill. Sorry you are having to go through this. Good Luck.
Sarah, six words of advice for you:
Put your love where it matters!!
You will need that to get through this, focus on the blessings in your life.
It starts with yourself and your two heaven sent packages, that’s where you devote all your time, love and energy and to the ppl that support you and want you to get healthy and free.
Dump that abuser off the nearest cliff as fast as you can.
Power and control are what he loves and that will never spell anything good for you and your children. Walk away from his hoop jumping activities he’s got lined up for you forever.
Any positive seeming maneuvers he attempts to make on you are all part of the con game and they can play that game with you for decades if you let them and you will be mighty sorry you hung around to get abused all those many years you can’t ever get back. Don’t buy the con!
Get away now when you have the chance, as hard and as painful as I know it will be to do that. I’m so sorry, it’s so damn tough.
He’s not even close to a unicorn, he’s shown you who he really is,believe what you see, not the lies he wants you to buy.
He is a selfish entitled abuser who will blame you for all the wrongs in your relationship until you actually start believing that maybe it could all be your fault.
It is not!! It’s all him, not you.
He is abusing you and it’s very obvious to all the chumps commenting here that have seen abuse first hand in our own lives.
The drama and chaos will only amp up with the gaslighting and confusion, not a healthy environment to raise your beautiful babies in. Your babies need a safe place to grow up in.
Please believe us and get away.
Gray rock the hell out of this man until you can get fully free, then no contact. He does not have your back, trust nothing about him.
He will not change and does not want to change. Life is about him and getting his needs met, no one else matters to him.
That loving guy you once knew is not coming back Sarah.
You are seeing the real him, as hard as that is to comprehend. (It’s a living hell of a nightmare, we know!!)
He will most likely try and reel you back in many times ( image management, won’t want to be seen as the dick he truly is to others) but he will always be distracted during any activities you do as a family through the years, he will also continually be searching for your replacement under cover even if you think he’s loving and actively involved in family life, they are masterful at faking all of that!
Infidelity is just the tip of the abusive iceberg you are seeing, there is so much more going on and yet to come that isn’t pretty. You will recognize more once you get away.
He will be angry frequently, point out your ever increasing number of faults that you start falsely owning and make you feel so alone even when you are with him, slowing sucking the soul and life right out of you if you stay.
It’s really dark to imagine but it’s so real and if you have to be scared into leaving, it’s fully worth it, it’s that critical a situation!
Don’t stay long enough to go through all that.
He does not care about you or the kids, he has a life to live that is more valuable than yours or your babies’ lives and it is the ONLY life that really matters to him, regardless of what he says to you.
Watch his nefarious actions, don’t buy the lies he will try to get you to see instead. Once trust is gone, you have nothing left to work with.
He is not a good person and can’t become one. Leaving him is your very best choice.
Read CL’s wise words for strength regularly and know that it’s normal for you to feel so alone through this painful transition, but you will actually have a whole nation of chumps that care greatly about your welfare and will be pulling for the very best outcome for you. You sound strong, solid and capable, you got this!
You are your babies ARE a full family, the best kind, ones that love one another, embrace that blessing with gratitude.
Best of luck with the birth, stay with the game plan ( put your love where it matters) and trust nothing about that man, you know what he is now, you can’t unknow it.
An abuser- 1000%.
Sarah: Hugs to you. He has shown you who he is, BELIEVE HIM! “How are we going to get the love back?” You’re not. He threw it out the window when he found an AP online and traveled to see her. Get your ducks lined up etc. Keep reading at this site. He is a POS for cheating on you. Sorry.
Please listen to CL and the other good advice here. This man cannot be redeemed. He doesn’t miss his family, he misses the respectable front a family provides and all your caretaking of him. He isn’t normal and never will be. When he says “respect”, he means absolute obedience and submission. He means you should be his slave.
There will be no 180. What did he do after your first child was born? He continued to cheat. It’s not going to be any better with the second child. In fact, it will be worse, because by accepting him back you are imposing no consequences to his behavior. Let the legal system do that for you and get all the support you can from family and friends. This is going to be tough, but you will come through it and be so relieved that you didn’t stick around for more abuse. You’re stronger than you realize. You have survived living with a raging man-baby and managed to be a parent in incredibly hard circumstances.
I’m a former Army lawyer and if your husband is active duty, YOU can immediately see a military lawyer for free. He will have to pay support to you & it can be directly taken from his paycheck. Once divorced, the children will still be eligible for health care through Tri Care.
If he’s not active duty, then YOU MUST see a lawyer in your state (NOT in South Carolina unless YOU live there) asap.
Knowledge is power.
IF HE decides to file for divorce & you two live in different states, it’ll be a big, expensive hassle for you to hire an out-of-state lawyer to respond to his filing. And I can imagine a man who cheats on a pregnant wife could also choose the state that awards the lowest child support.
Ask the lawyer about whether you get any of his military retirement (there’s a federal law that awards it if you’ve been married long enough).
Good luck!
Short answer: No.
Longer: He will not get better. He will get worse. Gather up whatever your heavily pregnant self can, and GTFO right now.
I’m sending a ton of love to you and your babies…. You are one strong mama and a kick ass woman…
Sweetie- I GET IT!
You want him to be the man and partner you deserve…. But he is not
As many stories here…
I was pregnant with our 3 rd child… 36 weeks , hot summer days- two other kids under age of 5
I was big, uncomfortable…. It was the time of a Tiger’s scandal and I remember as it was today- all of us in the park , kids playing and us( adults) discussing this horrible scandalous behavior… my h was disgusted… saying all the right things
Guess what?
My h was having sex with me, without protection while pregnant with all of our kids, while fucking hookers ( also without protection)
Let me tell you this- you can’t go lower than that. Endangering life of your w and your unborn children?
During dday I saw RED…. When I realized how lucky we were ( I lost my 1st pregnancy, will always wonder why)
To end up with 3 healthy kids…
????????????????
He wants to be heard and respected?
???? ???? ???? yes, I was hearing that often
He wanted respect while giving none
Support while not providing any
Peace while creating chaos
It’s all MANIPULATIon
Trust us.. RUN
OK, something that needs to be clarified… You can go no contact about everything but the children. Courts strongly frown on one parent withholding information from the other parent regarding the children. You can read up about this on the ‘One Mom’s Battle’ website. You’ll be looking for something called “yellow rock”ing.
It seems to work fast if there is a parenting website where you can post data about the children so that you don’t actually have to email him with each update. Then he’s just free to go and look at or ignore it for years like my ex.
It seems to work “best” , not “fast”
For the time being, Beautiful Mother, just give birth. Giving birth is a great and wonderful part of our lives. Live it.
Then, Beloved Barnacle attached, Bewildered Toddler Sibling alongside, find YOUR (plural) lives, away from that other element, who doesn’t even deserve to be called ‘Father’.
As others have said, seek out your own support, your friends and family and cut out this cruel egoism.
There’s a better life out there.
When I shot down all his other ‘reasons’ for cheating he shrugged his shoulders and said ‘OK it was just a F U for not respecting me.
Great way to earn respect buddy and you will never have a grain of it from me ever again! You or any other cheater out there.
Insight from domestic violence expert Lundy Bancroft in the book Why Does He Do That–abusers always get worse during the partner’s pregnancy. It’s the new focus on the baby that makes their narc selves go ballistic. So if you aren’t sure if your spouse is a narc, think about their behaviors during your pregnancy. Your answer will be there. To the letter writer, your situation is exactly mine when I was pregnant with our third. I decided to forgive him then went on to be abused in more awful ways for 14 more years. We got divorced last year, but he is still dragging me in and out of court for every dang thing Your question is if he will change. Yes, he will. He will get 100x worse.
My former-military (former-living but that is another story) Cheater loved babies and always had a sparkly-spurt of marriage/family enthusiasm for a hot minute when we had babies…each time the enthusiasm waned rather quickly until he finally (during the “big affair”) forgot he had kids and moved away to his dream place (sound familiar) then told people it was my fault that we didnt live in the same city.
DO NOT MOVE – NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. !!! I had (previous to his Big Affair) been a compliant military wife who moved where and when he told me. After he burned down the structure of our marriage (3 kids by then big kids) I flat-out refused. By the time he got to the “move or I will divorce you” stage, he had already told me we were divorcing so he had overplayed his cards by then (yawn).
I told him if he didnt want to be married here, I cant see why he would want to be married there. Long story but if I had done as he tried to get me to do, we would have LOST EVERYTHING.
I may sound mighty here, but I wasn’t so much…I still smoked the Hopium pipe WAY TO MUCH and didnt admit to myself what an abusive prick he was before he died. I hope you dont wallow along as I did, it was a terrible idea. He has already shown you what he is capable of…this isnt a maybe, he DID this shit. I floundered in the “but why did he___?” skein untangling for way too long…none of it made sense until I actually realized how much he really sucked.
Guessing AP is on the fence now. Lawyer up.
Oh Sarah, I am so sorry this is how you’re spending the final days of waiting for your sweet baby. It’s late in the day so I’m guessing there’s lots of great support for you from CN. The single thing I want to stress is that once you are rid of him you will understand that you have not been properly loved or cared for. Once you realize this, it will change the way you love and care for yourself and your babies. You will thrive without him. It’s not fair that this is happening now when you need a loving partner more than ever. I hope you have lots of support from people who love you properly. Sending all my best wishes for a beautiful and easy birth.
After CL so graphically explained all you are about to go through with a new baby and have gone through — all that you have done for your family.
I was shocked when I burst out crying when she said:
“And he wants to know:
How will we ever have sex?
With a spiny cactus up your ass, you m*therf*cker.
I hate him for you, Sarah. His cruelty and his selfishness. But most of all I hate that you’re vulnerable to him.”
To be seen. To know all that you are enduring and the pain of wondering why you can’t hate him. It’s refreshing to have a best friend (CL) sticking up for us, telling us how bad-ass we are, and kicking our enemies right between the eyes!
This process is so painful. So confusing. But this place is so very needed! I read it every day to help me through.
I am a mom to 6. A stay-at-home mom for 16 years. Now a divorced chump after 26 years married since the age of 18.
This has been the hardest thing to do but the peace of living without the FW is worth it all.
You deserve that peace. Your kids deserve to see you stand in your dignity and respect. Find your support system. Take it one day at a time. You will get stronger.
Sarah,
I’m so sorry you’re going through this! Sadly, your husband simply does not have the capacity to rise to the challenge and provide the support you need. Please accept this as gospel.
And as the mother of an active duty USAF Lt. Colonel, the POS you’re married to is a total disgrace to the Armed Forces. No integrity. No standards. No self-discipline. No respect. No character. Please do not dismiss the importance of reporting his horribly abusive behavior to his commanding officer.
Oh yes, he’ll absolutely feign a 180 and want to reconcile. He’ll keep up the facade for a little while and then hit the gas pedal into another affair. Cheaters do constant 180s because they always think there’s something better in front of them or behind them.
It. Never. Stops.
My cheating ex abandoned me after 8 years together when he found out I was pregnant, only to “come around” to the idea of being a dad. He performed a superficial 180, I survived on hopium fumes, and he was back at it with a new affair partner when our son was 6 months old. When my son was 2 the discard came, followed by another attempted 180. This time I found my resolve and didn’t fall for the nonsense. It’s now 8 years later and my beloved son is 10. I single parented until my son was 7 and then got re-married to the most amazing fellow chump husband and we have a thriving family of 5 including my beautiful step-daughters.
Your husband has already shown you who he is, what he wants, and what he will do. The only magic that exists is inside of you, and it’s that mama-fire that will protect you and your babies from this sorry piece of flesh who does not have your best interests at heart.
It is sad. I know he has good qualities, too, but they don’t outweigh his abuse and they never will. I hope you will follow CL’s advice and stop his abuse in its tracks before he drags you and your children deeper into his disorder.
Sending lots of love and resolve from the other side of Tuesday. ❤️
Sarah,
He is not going to change. I was 7 months pregnant with my first and only child when D-day hit, and klootzak had been cheating on me even while I was going through IVF to conceive at Walter Reed. That D-day, my mama instinct kicked in. I stopped loving him and knew that divorce was the only answer.
I had lost my last job when we PCSd so had no means and zero family support. I gutted out the marriage until we moved back closer to friends and I then started clawing my way out. Klootzak continued hooking up with whatever trash he could find. I will never forget sitting at a red traffic light with my 2 year old in the car and seeing klootzak and his AP crossing the street in front of us, having just walked out of a park with a picnic basket on a weekday afternoon when he was supposedly at work. They don’t change – ever.
I think Military OneSource can hook you up with a counselor. The kids should remain on his Tricare coverage but you will lose it when the divorce is final (I’m assuming you haven’t been married 20 years overlapping him having 20 years of service). Divorce and the Military, Former Military Spouse, and Former Military Spouses are FB groups which have lots of info if you read through the old posts. Find an attorney familiar with military law – former JAG officers are great. Base legal will consult with you generally but won’t actually represent you in a divorce. You need to get an emergency hearing to get support established for the kids and you.
Act fast. As others said, he is enamored with schmoopie. He may be more agreeable to a decent settlement for you in his rush out the door. Take advantage of that. Once schmoopie dumps him he will change his tune.
MW-Ex – You’ve come so far in your journey of gathering knowledge and making your plans a reality.
I’m that dude in Shawshank Redemption, digging out with a spoon. lol
A couple more thoughts. A new child, bless us all, is a major stressor. Your FW has already shown how he acts under stress. No need to stick around and find out how bad he can get.
Mine was cheating our entire marriage, but doubled down on his scumbaggery when I was pregnant and after our daughter was born. The only thing that got his attention was divorce papers.
Obviously the military folks are best-placed to advise on this, but if he won’t be agreeable to giving you what you want, namely, to move out and go away, effective immediately, and then to pay all of the child support and so on that any normal person would understand was the least they could do, would getting his superiors involved help in any way? Are there any military support people that could help you, because often people like your shitheel of a fiance rely on shame and silence to keep them golden. Once light is shone on the matter, once the People Who Matter (not you!) know, ie the people who can make him face real consequences, then behaviour can be made to change.
Meanwhile, please let all of your friends and family know exactly what is going on, and his too. Do not keep all of this a secret. I’m not suggesting hiring a billboard or being ridiculous, but neutrally conveying what is happening and getting the help and support you and your little family (he’s not part of it) need and deserve is what needs to happen.
He’s not a unicorn. He never was. He’s an entitled, abusive, a-hole.
I, too, a Connecticut resident, was cheated on while I was pregnant. I thought he would come around once our child was born. He went on to have a secret child with his AP. I had so much hope that he would change. I tried everything. In the end, leaving him, breaking the cycle of abuse was the best thing that I could have done. I had to change the cycle to end it; to help my children live a better life. I have my life back in ways better than I could have ever imagined. Go no contact. Get a lawyer. Lean on your support system. Focus on yourself, you can do this.
I’m probably too late for Sarah to see this, but the good news is that once she’s divorced and established child support he won’t be able to dodge child support as long as he’s in the military! They’ll garnish his wages for her. The kids will still receive benefits too! So she doesn’t have to worry about their health insurance for example.