Well, I don’t feel like doing much writing today, CN. I heard the news Friday, got in my car and drove an hour into DC to go shriek at the Supreme Court for hours. How was your weekend?
Oh God, she’s not going to talk about abortion today, is she? That’s so divisive! I thought this was a safe space.
I thought my uterus was a safe space. But don’t worry, I’m not going to talk about my once-constitutionally-protected reproductive freedoms going down the shitter. I’m going to talk about babies!
We all like babies. These are divisive times, but we can all agree on one thing — babies are adorable. And, if we all get testy with one another, just look at this picture and go “Aww!”
However, a warning, if you get testy in the comments, I will delete. Do not bleat to me about your right to free speech, because that’s a constitutionally protected right and those are just for guns.
Before I move on to babies (so cute!), I wonder if anyone else is wondering “What next?” Now that states get to reverse legal precedent and federal laws, can Ohio bring back Dred Scott? How does that work if you’re three-fifths of a human in Ohio, but a whole person in Michigan? Do you get discount theater admissions in Toledo, but pay full price in Detroit?
Or taxes? What if Rhode Island declares that no one in the state has to pay federal income tax? Can we all move to Rhode Island? It’s small.
I have so many questions. But, looking on the bright side. Mr. CL and I have three sons, so now grandchildren look like a distinct possibility. Yea! Babies!
Speaking of babies, I just wanted to follow up with the five Supreme Court justices who wrote the majority opinion last Friday. Some people say they’re radical, misogynistic, right-wing zealots, but I think of them more like storks. In black robes. Who will bring us babies.
Dear Brett, Clarence, Neil, John, and Amy,
I hope it’s okay to call you by your first names. I feel like we’re intimate, what with you overseeing my lady parts.
Now that you’ve overturned Roe v. Wade, I was wondering if you could settle the small matter of my unpaid child support. Last time I looked, I was owed about $7,000 and change. Plus seven years interest. And 15 years of unpaid medical expenses. Plus three years of dropped health insurance. Anyway, there’s a tab.
And I thought as how — and I’m not blowing smoke up your ass — you’re the highest court in the land, you could enforce my court order.
I’ve been trying to enforce it for years! But I don’t have the Federalist Society behind me or Mitch McConnell.
I know you have a lot on your plate, but I have a few suggestions. Could we microchip the deadbeats? Or would that be government overreach? Oh ha, just kidding.
If I lose my phone, my iPad can find it. Bluetooth syncs with just about everything. So, how about every time a man ejaculates irresponsibly, we chip him? Keep a database. That baby mama check doesn’t appear? Whammo! They’d go off like a car alarm.
Is that too disruptive? We could set them to vibrate. The technology exists.
Look, I’m not trying to call in favors, but I’ve been a good vessel. White Anglo-Saxon Protestant, married, carried my pregnancy to term (pre-eclampsia, two months of bedrest, and three-day labor damn near killed me — but what is organ failure when it comes to motherhood?).
Gestating a human being was all worth it because — babies! Who doesn’t love them? Their cute little nibblet toes. Their chubby little cheeks. Nom, nom, nom! Look at this cuddle muffin:
I’m sure you’re thinking, “Oh good, she’s completed her manifest destiny and given us a boy child.” And when you think of fetuses, you imagine this blonde, blue-eyed, baby Boo. Decked out in his preppy sweater, full of potential.
And then… the shiny wears off.
And you don’t think of him (or me) at all.
HELLO? Can’t you see how freaking ADORABLE my child is? The same thing happened to his father. He canceled his subscription to parenting.
Which left me with that court order.
The one I had to try and get enforced, which is kind of nuts. He walks away from moral and court-ordered responsibility, and it’s my job to play bounty hunter? (The chips would make things much easier!) However, bounty hunters get actual bounty. I got an arrearage balance, paid off in $50 monthly increments over years. (Apparently it’s too unkind to force immediate repayment.) And then a notice, from the state of Texas, that they stop enforcing altogether after your kid turns 18.
I won’t bore you with the state skipping, under-table-working, and all around bill shirking. Or the paltry sums I was fighting for. Less than baseline child support is a thing! Meanwhile, dick dribble was buying a house, enjoying world travel, posting pictures of himself with elephants on his social media. All of which is affordable when you’re not feeding and caring for a child.
Brett, Clarence, Neil, John, and Amy — children need care and feeding. Fetuses, not so much. They have this whole umbilical cord thing, but once you push them out into the world? OMG, the bills.
I don’t know if you’ve thought through this entire social experiment of More Babies. It’s not all Happy Nuclear Families out there. More babies = more deadbeats.
Maybe we could abort the deadbeats? Oh, that would stop a beating heart?
Consider the chips.
Your faithful vessel,