I dated a guy for a while and decided that we weren’t a good match for marriage, so I broke up with him. I’d like to be married, so dating — for me — is with that purpose in mind. I was clear with him about the breakup, stating some reasons (flirting and female friends/ possible cheating as one of the reasons…) so he decided to move to another state, and he wanted to be friends until he moved.
I said okay, and discovered him saying he loved another woman on Facebook (she was saying Happy Birthday to him, and lived in his hometown, and it could have been casual and innocent,) but it was flirting, so I told him not to call me, not to text me, not to email me and not to message me.
He left me alone. And I’ve been happy! And living my best life as a single person. (I’d like to be married, but I’m making the best of being single. It doesn’t mean I’m dating; I’m just spending time with family, making friends, etc.) He texted on Valentine’s Day. I gave a friendly response (it had been many months since he moved.) Then he texted on my birthday in March. Then again, then he called, and now he is calling often.
The other day he said he wanted me to reconsider marriage, and I called him the next day and told him I didn’t have peace about the idea. He’s still been calling a lot.
I find that talking to him is disturbing my peace of mind. And that I’m thinking about him a lot. If he calls on Saturday morning, I think it’s because he has a date on Saturday evening. (It’s Saturday evening now…) If he calls on Monday or Tuesday instead of Friday or Saturday, I think he’s got dates on the weekends.
He says he isn’t dating anyone.
Am I paranoid, or what?
I would like to go back to that carefree existence, but I don’t know what to tell him! I love him, but we’re not right for marriage, so let’s never talk again?
I’ve already said all the things. Did he not believe them? I don’t want to just block him without letting him know that I don’t think I can handle being friends. But I’m not sure it’s the best thing all around.
This is more difficult than I imagined it could be!
One time I broke up with him in an email. I had tried breaking up in person, but there was always a reason not to! I didn’t want to text it, so I wrote a kind and well-thought-out email, and he’s pointed out so many times how uncaring it was that I emailed him instead of talking with him face to face.
What to do, then?
Do you have any suggestions? I hate No Contact, even though it’s necessary sometimes. And I’ll miss him all over again if he stops calling… but it isn’t working that he is calling…!!!
No Contact Resist
Dear No Contact Resist,
Give up the kibbles. I think you’re really digging this idea that he Just Can’t Quit You. (Cue soppy rom-com.)
There’s nothing romantic about someone violating your boundaries. I know there is an entire Hollywood industry that says otherwise. Faint heart never won fair maiden, yada yada. But a guy that keeps persisting after you broke up with him is NOT relationship material. He might be stalker material, but boyfriend? No.
You don’t trust him. You think he’s shady with other women. You didn’t see you guys working out long-term. And you feel happier when he doesn’t call you.
Every time you try (feebly) to assert yourself, he pushes back.
You: Let’s break up. Him: Let’s be friends!
You: I want marriage. Him: Reconsider that!
You: Here’s a carefully thought out email why we aren’t good for each other. Him: I demand face-to-face contact!
You miss that? Really? Don’t you get invalidated enough as a woman without inviting more of this crap into your life?
In fairness to him, you are sending mixed signals. He asked if he could be friends — you AGREED — and then you’re upset that he’s flirting with other women? YOU JUST BROKE UP WITH HIM. He’s free to flirt with whomever he wishes.
Most ex-girlfriends really don’t want a front seat to that, so please examine your motives. Are you doing that unicorn 180 nonsense, of harrumph! I’m leaving! PICK ME. Trying to goad him into choosing you?
I find that talking to him is disturbing my peace of mind. And that I’m thinking about him a lot.
Yes, because you keep taking his calls. No contact could return your peace of mind.
If he calls on Monday or Tuesday instead of Friday or Saturday, I think he’s got dates on the weekends.
Here’s a radical thought — expend your mental energy on people who are available.
If he were your boyfriend (he’s not your boyfriend), then it’s totally understandable that you’d want to be a priority. To feel central. But this guy isn’t offering that. He’s shoehorning you in as he likes. Keeping you around as an option. (Excuse me, friend.) And feels very entitled to that.
Is that OKAY with you?
No? Then draw a boundary. He doesn’t have to like it. In fact, generally speaking, boundaries are not well-received. When you have a boundary, you have to let go of popularity and consensus. Healthy people respect boundaries. They might be disappointed, but they get it and they’ll work around. Users HATE boundaries. Much better to have chumps who go along, suck it up, and have no needs.
This guy is not offering you what you want. You are allowed to break up with him. He doesn’t have to like it. You don’t have to explain it to him. It’s YOUR boundary.
I hate No Contact
Do you need “friends” this badly? Do you think a future committed relationship with a new man is compatible with Mr. Booty Call? No healthy person is going to want to be part of this nebulous unfinished business.
I suggest some mental housecleaning. And… sorry… no contact.