Many an alert chump sent me yesterday’s Yahoo news article: “What it Means if The Married Man You’re Having An Affair With Ghosts You Out Of Nowhere” by life coach Mitzi Bockmann. It originally ran on Your Tango, which is to UBT fodder what Purina is to dog chow.
News alert: an OW has a sadz.
The Universal Bullshit Translator is here to comfort and assuage. Oh sorry, it’s here to savage and eviscerate. Hang on to your Lebkuchen.
Having an affair with a married man is full of highs and lows, agony and ecstasy, and some days you may wonder if it’s all worth it.
Are you that special? Are your furtive orgasms worth his children’s therapy bills?
If you are reading this article because a married man ghosted you, it can feel devastating. And now here you are, in the deepest of lows, wondering what the heck happened and why he disappeared.
From personal experience (and the experiences of my clients), there are several specific reasons why a married man having an affair would pull away from a relationship with his mistress.
There are several reasons… and they all end in….
Spiffy midgets epoxy blunderbusses to bedposts, from personal experience of flimflam shimmy shakes, Mistress Twatwinkle will have two lumps.
(THWACK! Apologies. The UBT malfunctioned.)
The 5 main reasons why a married man ghosts the woman he’s having an affair with:
1. He’s freaking out, again
How many times have you and your married man broken up? I am guessing probably way more than once.
I am guessing the pussy buffet has other entrees.
Are there times when he is overwhelmed with guilt and he declares that he just can’t see you again and you — tearfully — agree to say goodbye?
I can’t tell you how many times this happened to me when I was involved with a married man. We would be seeing each other regularly, seem really happy when we were together, and talk about our future together. Then, out of nowhere, he would get consumed by guilt and decide that he had to let me go.
It was so sad for me — especially those times when he would ghost me instead of being honest with me.
I expected honesty from the man who lies to his wife. How DARE he be dishonest with me! #sosad
I would be devastated while wondering where he was. I felt sure in those moments that he had never really loved me. It was awful.
Can you imagine doing this to someone? The way we… uh… did it to… uh.
But every time, four weeks later, he would call me, for some small, stupid reason, we would agree to meet ‘as friends’, and the whole vicious circle would start up again.
My pussy buffet is open 24/7! Anytime! Any stupid reason! I’m here! Call me!
2. He takes you for granted
I can’t imagine why he takes you for granted.
I have a client whose married man regularly ghosts her. When their relationship is going just fine, out of the blue, she stops hearing from him.
What often happens during this time is that he is doing something with his family or friends. Perhaps it’s the weekend when he is skiing with his friends, on a vacation with his wife, or his in-laws may be visiting. For whatever reason, he doesn’t / can’t / won’t text.
And he doesn’t tell her ahead of time because he knows she will get mad, so he ghosts her when the time comes instead.
When a married man disappears from the woman he says he loves, he is taking her for granted. He assumes that, no matter what he does, she will be there for him when he gets back. And, more often than not, she is.
Just because you chose a married man doesn’t mean you can’t expect total centrality in his life.
RELATED: I Had An Affair With The Married Dad I Nannied For
RELATED: I Make Horrendous Decisions Because I Am Blitheringly Narcissistic
3. He doesn’t want to disappoint you
Disappointing Junior, by skipping his choral concert to fuck you, is fine. Disappointing you is not.
On the other side of taking you for granted is the fact that he knows that if he tells you the truth, it won’t go well. Perhaps he’s scared that he will hurt you. He might be worried that you will be angry or disappointed. And he knows that he can’t handle those kinds of emotions.
He’s sociopathic because he cares.
I can’t tell you how many times my married guy disappeared. He had no problem being there for me when things were going good, when he wanted my support, or he was interested in getting in my bed. But when it came to facing up to what was going on, he ran away.
He knew that he might hurt, anger, or disappoint me and he just couldn’t bear the idea of doing that.
He couldn’t bear it sooo much… that he kept on doing it.
Ironically, when he ghosted me he did all of those three things in an even bigger way. And it didn’t do anything for my self-esteem when he returned again, telling me how much he missed me and couldn’t live without me.
But I let him back in — over and over.
Enjoy my other life coaching sessions, “Obliviousness in 10 Easy Steps!”, “Here’s a Clue: Hit Me With It,” and “Blather: I’m Fascinating.”
RELATED: Why Men Suddenly Ghost You After 2-3 Months (And How To Get Him Running Back For More)
RELATED: WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU WANT A MAN WHO GHOSTED YOU?
4. His wife suspects an affair
More often than not, the #1 reason a married man will ghost you is that his wife suspects something.
More often than not, women who date men who don’t have wives, don’t deal with suspicious wives.
I have a new client who reached out to me when her married man ghosted her. She was devastated and confused.
The UBT is so confused. “Her married man?” Huh?
He had made her so many promises and they were planning their life together, and for him to suddenly disappear was devastating.
It’s almost like you’re his wife.
He wrote her an email and told her that his wife found out and that they were trying to ‘work things out.’ His wife found their photos, texts, and shared Spotify playlists, and asked him about them. He told her that he had met someone and that they hadn’t been physically intimate yet, but had had an emotional connection.
His wife ordered him to never talk to her again unless they were at work. She now monitors all of his phone calls and text messages. And they are trying to work things out.
So, because of his wife, who was the more important person to consider, despite the promises he made to his girlfriend, he ghosted her. Leaving her feeling ‘less than’ and unimportant.
Which is a totally okay feeling for wives to have.
The upside of this particular ghosting is that she finally saw him for the person he really was and was happy to do the hard work to step away.
And self enlightenment through fucking married men is what we’re about. See my other life coaching sessions, “Is That Karma Biting Me in the Ass?” and “Dumped: A Journey of Selfhood.”
RELATED: I May Be His Mistress, But I’m Not A Homewrecker
RELATED: I Am a Homewrecker
5. He met someone else
This one isn’t as common but it definitely is a thing.
It’s a thing. You’re Forgettable Fuck Wednesday.
Your married man may have decided that he needs someone else to make him feel less alone.
And your vagina could no longer comfort the afflicted.
For many men, the thrill of the chase is what makes their affair partner compelling. Being physically intimate with someone new may be wonderful for men like this, but fantasizing about a life with someone, having someone take care of them, and having a distraction when things get boring, is also very attractive.
When the thrill of those things fades with the affair partner (which they always do), the married man moves on to someone new.
Your married man, instead of working on his unhappy marriage, used you to fill his emotional and physical needs. Why would he change his stripes now and try to do the hard work with you?
Poor boo and his unhappy marriage. Why would he do the hard work with you when there are so many other appliances?
And why would he do the hard work of facing you and telling you that it was over? It’s easier for this type of man to simply ghost you and move on.
Accept your obsolescence, Sparkletwat.
I know that this concept is incredibly painful, but it’s the best thing that could ever happen to you. If a man loses interest in you so quickly, like he lost interest in his wife, then he definitely isn’t the person you thought he was.
Can you imagine what the rest of your life would look like with this man? Would you ever trust him again?
Having a married man ghost you is an awful thing to go through and you are likely feeling very sad, I know.
There were days when Mitzi Bockmann ate entire tubs of HagenDaz and stared at the wall and played Phil Collins over and over and over again. WHY?! she wailed. A voice answered from beyond: “To be a LIFE COACH, Mitzi.”
But knowing what is going on might help you manage the pain.
He might very well be questioning your relationship again and will be back. Or he might be afraid of being honest with you and dealing with your emotions. His wife may have found out or perhaps he just moved on.
With all of that in mind, for whatever reason, the reality is that your married man ghosted you.
I want you to ask yourself if you really want to be in a relationship, potentially long-term, with someone who will ghost you instead of facing issues head-on.
That doesn’t sound very fun, does it? It’s likely time to let him go and find the love that you deserve.
Find love with Bruno. Go marry him. Invest deeply. Buy a house. Have a couple kids. Share a mortgage. Schlepp his mother to chemo. Now look at his phone. He’s fucking some co-worker named Wendy.
She’s Wednesday. Now find his burner phone and discover Monday through Sunday.
There were days when Mitzi Bockmann ate entire tubs of HagenDaz and stared at the wall and played Phil Collins over and over and over again. WHY?! she wailed. A voice answered from beyond: “To be a LIFE COACH, Mitzi.”
so funny, CL!
i need to start my day being a SANE PARENT and REASONABLE HUMAN BEING and SEE MY THERAPIST.
Shared Spotify playlists??? WTF.
Yeah I discovered those. Middle school level stuff. ????
Yeah, me too. STBX and AP2 would intersperse songs by Whitney Houston and Dua Lipa in their adolescent text sessions – which my STBX saved, and I eventually read (to get real answers to my questions). I imagine that’s what the middle schoolers do these days. ????
Oh yes the playlist. But my FW entitled his playlist to Schmoops “violent songs for sex”. You can’t make this shit up
Oh blleargh. ????????
During sleuthing phase I discovered on FaceBook messenger desperate OW sent a link (after she was ghosted – married men ghosting their APs does really happen gosh who knew) for a song called Bandelero by Slightly Stoopid. I was mystified. WTF is this? The song is a jam band/reggae amalgam rendered in the most cringeworthy white reggae styling I’d ever witnessed. So not his taste. At all. Then, of course, I looked at the lyrics. The song is (kinda?) about a whole lotta pot smoking. Not his thing either. He hated pot smoking. With this verse:
Said little woman, would you like to come quick?
I said now woman, would you like to roll a little faster?
Woman, would you like to come quick, quick, quick?
Wouldn’t you like it if we roll a little faster?
Later learned that OW encouraged a whole lotta pot smoking to help FW *relax* so he could *complete*. None of that an issue with me. Idiot.
No words ????
She made him a cd that he left in the car. I got in car and was like what is playing. One of the songs was called let’s just Fuc&$
My ex is now a middle aged man obsessed with Doja Cat. And he speaks in ebonics, because that’s how you show, as a white person, that you respect black people. You’re supposed to speak like you’re in a blaxploitation film from the 70s.
He started doing that shortly before D-day. And when I asked him what the f was wrong with him and why he was speaking like that I got, “Whaz wrong wit da way I speak?! I can’t speak like dis?!” It’s no wonder I thought he was having a mental breakdown.
He and his friends literally call me a racist because I don’t think it’s cool that he started talking like that at 40. I think it’s fucked up and disrespectful.
Seriously? Wow. You can’t make this stuff up!
My stbx and his howorker used to chat on Chess with Friends.
Oh, ISTL, so you know Cheater #2? The king of Whatsapp and Words with Friends? Until OW’s husband saw the phone chat by accident. Oops.
Yup, Words with Friends here. Who’s Dawn? Signaled the beginning of the end. Dawn was a lady who he could really talk to and they were going through so many of the same things.
She also lived in whole other country and was still living with her stbx. Aha
Klootzak and his OW would make playlists for each other and burn them to CDs. Weird as hell.
Same! So bizarre. Are you 12 yo?
I don’t know if FW and Schmoops shared a Spotify but I learned during the RIC debacle that they mirrored the other’s vast generational divide in musical tastes. She would send him canned current club music with soppy themes and he’d pretend to like it. He sent her a weird 90s alt-pop song about a baby who looked like a pig because he was trying to glaze her with a bit of kultcha. It got funny at one point when one of them pretended to like jazz so the other pretended to like jazz and they ended up spending an awful night pretending to like jazz together in a sticky authentic venue where the dedicated audience glared if anyone attempted to get up from the tables during the sets, the musicians improvised for three solid hours, where the drinks were watered and the tapas tasted like old man scalp.
Even better than that was when she pretended to be an avid skier and ended up having her bloated couch potato arse hauled down from the middle of a blue run in a stretcher because she freaked out. #Mirroringschadenfreude
I laughed so hard
I am dying over old man scalp.
FW suddenly started listening to songs/going to concerts of bands/artists that he had always ridiculed and made no secret he hated (Taylor Swift and Mumford and Sons come to mind).
Turns out those are the artists that Schmoopie loves.
The nicest thing anyone said to me after I’d been married a few years was that I hadn’t changed like most women do– still believed the same things, liked the same things, expressed myself in the same way, etc. So this FW/Schmoop mirroring thing strikes me as incredibly icky and bizarre. I think I probably mirrored a boss or two to keep my career on track but it was reluctantly done and beyond a certain limit it feels completely disgusting. Doing it in intimate relationships seems worse than juvenile. It’s like they had no selves to begin with.
If only there was a girl code where it was OFF LIMITS to date/sleep with/etc a married man! What is wrong with these women????
Here’s what’s wrong with them…
They are shallow, low/no morals, low hanging fruit, lack of any type of moral compass, needy, lack integrity, daddy issues, unaccountable and basically bottom of the barrel type people.
Not my sort of people.
I used to get hit on by these women while working. Then my wife left, wedding ring came off, and not even one woman has hit on me in the 4 years since, that blew my mind.
Yuck. Somehow I’m not surprised. My ex didn’t wear his ring for years and then in the height of the cheating he got it fixed and started wearing it again. I have offended wondered if it helped him find the kinds of some he was looking for-unattached, desperate, young, and thought they were cool screwing married men.
I have been wondering why my ex still wears his wedding ring… #TheMoreYouKnow
Oh Val, you just explained why FW is now wearing a wedding ring and he isn’t married. He found OW while wearing my wedding ring. Didn’t stop them.
There is definitely NOT
a girl/woman code!
They all suck, especially the ones who you thought were your friend.
The only thing worse than this is when they ghost the wife and stay with the AP. That is painful.
I don’t think that is worse. These FWs who cheat are not relationship material period. The problem is not who they choose. They already *chose* when they got married. The problem is that they think they are entitled KEEP CHOOSING at the pussy buffet while married with/without kids. Entitled to secrecy and entitled to take away our agency by keeping us in the dark. Entitled in thinking Chumps are there to serve FWs and are just wife appliances who aren’t entitled to make choices as they simply take for themselves without regard to others.
Choosing the AP makes chumps kick the hopium. If not for that I think I would have kept trying to make things work forever. As it was I did 30 years hard time.
My stbx choosing to stay with AP was the best thing that ever happened to me. I would have stayed in my personal hell of trying to make it work. I’m free now.
I would keep hitting thumbs up on this if I could, QOS.
They are supremely selfish. Many are sociopaths. They are incapable of empathy. Evil personified.
Schmopie works in same company – not same site as I… today when i arrived at work she was in the parking lot waiting for a colleague… I couldn’t help saying “bitch”… she went hiding in the car… when I discovered she said she was not the bad person I made her be… she is married with young kids and reporting to FW… this kind of women that think they make a difference in the corporate world and fight for equality of sexes… disgusting really
I had someone, for another reason, recently protest to me “I’m not that person.” “Yes, you are. You said and did xyz or had someone say or do it for you. You are that person. Get over yourself.”
In my case, OW is an outspoken feminist, trumpeting how women ought to look out for each other. She thinks she is a good, kind person and cannot see what an evil bitch she is. She was also a coworker of mine and FW’s, and when both of them left my job (apparently I was making them feel “unsafe in the workplace by…existing), she was his subordinate. They lied to HR when she got hired (after him). He was one of the people who INTERVIEWED her.
OW would either hide when she saw me (funniest was when I was at a gas station near work and saw her pull in, see me, and pull out again without getting gas, LOL) or acted overly friendly “HI! How ARE you?” I’m just great, bitch. How are you? Truly selfish, zero empathy.
She eventually learned the hard way WHY stbx and I were having issues. And it wasn’t me.
My XW is an outspoken feminist. I came to understand (too late) that her version of “feminism” means “now women can do the shitty things that men have been doing for generations”: that is, focus entirely on work and let the spouse take care of the house, home and kids; and then dump spouse for a younger model once the career takes off (and the hard work of the early child-raising is over).
I’m a feminist and hate women like this. Like I wrote above, they’ll wave the equality banner if it suits them but they’re all Margaret Thatchers and no friend to other women when push comes to shove. I hired a supposed lesbian feminist when I was in the midst of prosecuting a workplace stalker/harasser. I hoped she’d be an ally. Within weeks she was sleeping with one of the stalker’s male flying monkeys (?) and reporting on my every word and deed to the stalker. She tried to physically attack me when I fired her and I had to report her to the police. I found out later that she’d suddenly become a “lesbian feminist” to sleep with the head of a female-run company at her former job. I was sort of appeased to learn that the former girlfriend eventually saw through the bs, realized the faux-feminist was just trying to encroach and take over and broke it off with and fired the faux-feminist.
I knew another woman who baby-trapped a professor by first becoming a Catholic merely to justify secretly ceasing to take the pill. Same thing. Sort of like that old Woody Allen film Zelig, there’s no “there” there with some people. Bernie Madoff sucked in Elie Wiesel by seamlessly feigning passion for education and literature. They choose identities as alibis, to get what they want, etc. I’m not really a huge fan of Ayn Rand’s political philosophy but she wrote something interesting about lack of character after she’d spent ten years caring for her disabled husband. She wrote that you can always identify someone inconstant, what she called something like “conformist lone wolves,” by pockets of crappy taste in one area or another– music, art, literature, etc. I’ve found this to be generally true.
Nobody “baby traps” a man. Men are adults and know how babies are made. If they don’t want any, they need to take their own precautions. They also are not legally required to stay with women they get pregnant.
I’m sorry but I hate that shit. Men need to be responsible for their actions. They aren’t little children who need to be protected by evil women who use their dicks to impregnate themselves. He was a grown man who fucked raw and created a baby. That’s not being baby trapped. He’s a professor, he knows how it works.
Oh I can’t really argue. I’ll grant you that the term sounds like one of those incel manosphere expressions. I used to hate that accusation until I learned the AP started flushing her pills and tried to secretly get pregnant by FW. Then I half got why accidentally-on-purpose getting pregnant can suck.
FW was of course entirely responsible for raw-dogging the office doorknob who humped more than one married douche in parking lots and was still Tinder dating during the affair and blowing bartenders. It will be a miracle if I don’t end up with HPV cancer and that’s entirely on him. But he did think she was taking the pill until her stealth attempts to get pregnant failed and she bawled drunkenly to a coworker about getting her period.
As far as who’s more disgusting, it’s sort of a tie. I have three minor kids and one with a serious medical condition that will require out of pocket interventions for the rest of his life. The last thing in the world he or any of the kids needed was a fetal alcohol syndrome half sib. Fortunately Schmoops has PCOS and it wasn’t that simple to get preggers otherwise it would have come right out of the money needed for my children. What adds to the evil of it is that the AP forced some tears when FW first told her about our son’s ordeal and then she bilked the kids’ college funds for a boozy lifestyle she couldn’t afford on her own and never once mentioned the kids again.
You’d think FW would have figured out the AP wasn’t taking the pill when her acne flared up again. In other words, none of her fuckery removes any responsibility from him. There was plenty of culpability to go around. They’re both absolute shitheads.
I think the only person “trapped” in that situation is the baby, with a father who apparently views fatherhood as something like a hostage situation, and a mother who probably uses her child as a means to an end (as her actions suggest). I feel for these children.
I would add that my three kids would have been in that trap as well, especially the one who will die if he doesn’t get specialized medical care in perpetuity.
Or Margaret Atwoods, for that matter.
What is it with OW proclaiming to be “feminists”? To me, a feminist honors women by not screwing them over, not by having affairs with married men. Schmoopie was/is a screaming feminist when she isn’t f*cking somebody else’s husband.
I worked in a really top-down, high stakes industry with tons of narcs and rampant harassment. From what I’ve seen, women who have affairs with married douches to get ahead are NEVER actual feminists. Some might make those noises when it serves them but they fail the ultimate test: if they see a female colleague being harassed or worse, that type never, ever steps up and does the right thing and moreover might join the bully cabal pressuring victims into silence. In my experience this pretty much defines that particular demographic: suck up, slap down, compromise themselves for profit and eventually pimp and procure other victims for men in power when they age out of the bimbo ghetto.
There is a code. It’s called integrity. But not everyone cares about it. And the lack of it has nothing to do with gender.
If only people cool with cheating stuck together, but there’s no dopamine high in that.
I thought there was – I bet you did too…
What is wrong with these women????
Gotta love the columnist: “take my advice, here’s what I learned from being a complete piece of human garbage…”
There have been studies. Here’s a good one:
Various conclusions from various studies:
Among the dark triad traits more commonly found in mate poachers, psychopathy and narcissism were the most frequent. Psychopathy was more common in female poachers. In general, female mate poachers tended to read as psychologically “masculine” in terms of hostility, selfishness and aggression (which doesn’t sound very fair to a lot of men). Mate poachers are more likely to watch poacher-themed soap operas and TV shows like Gray’s Anatomy and One Tree Hill. They tend to overestimate their own attractiveness. They tend towards high risk behaviors, eating disorders and substance abuse, are more likely to be infected with STDs, are more irresponsible with money than average, have histories of unstable relationships and have negative relational attitudes and strategies (controlling, punishing, withholding, etc.). They tend to grin broadly, spend greater amounts of time tending to appearance than average, pluck their eyebrows and wear revealing clothing. They pretend to be friends at first and gradually turn the conversation to sex, find ways to put down the spouse, set up situations in which they need to be rescued and “bait and switch”– at first offering easy access to sex and then setting more and more conditions.
Then there are other studies finding associations between poor health– particularly looming infertility (whether premature or age-related)– and “fast life strategy”(aggressive, indiscriminate mating behavior, including poaching); a study associating “infidelity tolerance” and “rape myth acceptance,” a study finding poached relationships tend to fail and one finding that cheating women often shop at Banana Republic.
If you can’t just accept they suck, there’s always science lol.
“They pretend to be friends at first and gradually turn the conversation to sex, find ways to put down the spouse, set up situations in which they need to be rescued…”
Rat faced whore to a T. ????????????
Even the most passive cheaters who set the stage for affairs obliquely (failing to mention they have families or not keeping pictures of their families on their desks at work, confiding their fabricated marital troubles to the bimbo pool to get word around that they’re “not REALLY married,” etc.) get a bigger share of culpability than APs. But it’s not like witting APs aren’t total pieces of shit in their own rights.
My FW’s AP did exactly the same. Witnesses at work heard her putting me down when she’d never met me, played the victim in her marriage, needed to be rescued… she certainly studied the script. In my house, she too is known as sewer rat or “Ratty” for short ????
My daughter calls the AP “Beefy the Danger Pig” and a slew of other creative names. If only APs knew what chumped kids would end up calling them forever afterwards they might think twice about bonking married assholes.
I’d bet money that OW needed to be rescued by the tall, good-looking blue eyed white man.
Mitzi Bockman’s contact page says she is “all ears”. I disagree. She is ears and a black hole where the wisdom chip should be. Before you send the email, you have to ask a question to prove that you’re a human. I think Mitzi has a few questions she needs to answer.
Maybe Chump Nation should send some feedback?
I kept it simple. Wouldn’t want to confuse the poor thing.
“How can I reach you? Please provide your email address.
Where are you from? Please tell me where you located.
How can I help? I am all ears…
*Remove yourself from the planet.”
Can I add to your list please?
In addition to being “ears and a black hole where the wisdom chip should be,” I’d suggest that Mitzi has: dried dog sh*t for character; toxic waste for judgement and; the square root of minus f*ck all when it comes to compassion for anyone other than herself.
These people need to give their heads a shake.
She also offers sage advice in “5 Ways to Survive after Your Boyfriend Cheated” further down on this page. wtf
We married Kidults. Now they’re exes. Everything is great until they’re faced with increasing challenges to ask for what they need, say what they mean and mean what they say, endure periods of difficulty, amuse themselves without us, problem-solve without a sexual organ, and learn from experiences. Rather than grow and cope effectively, they cut and run to a younger partner on their level, or an older partner to parent them.
Mitzi is “all ears”.
Maybe Chump Nation can fill them?
“All ears” ?
Hopefully someday she will be able to add a brain and a heart to her inventory. Useful body parts for a successful career as a life coach.
I have yet to meet a life coach with any of those qualities. To me, the words “life coach” are a red flag that it’s a messed up individual. It’s as though questionable (and that’s being generous) life choices are a prerequisite for the job.
“life coaches” also tend to sell every MLM product out there. Beach Body, supplements, etc. and aren’t afraid to friend you on facebook and dm you.
I no longer accept friend requests.
Does she actually look like Dumbo or Alfred E. Neuman?
“I can’t tell you how many times this happened to me when I was involved with a married man.”
The fact that anyone this stupid and self absorbed exists further strengthens my resolve to live as a hermit. I wouldn’t want to risk a runaway fist connecting with a smug face. I can’t tell you how many times that happened when I had to breathe the same air as a malignant twat of this magnitude.
It genuinely blows my mind that they really think these men care about them. They don’t care about their own families but they’re going to care about Miss Thursday lunch fuck? It’s honestly sad. What goes wrong in a woman’s life that she becomes this stupid and pathetic?
But then I think it’s more malicious than that. I know I had “friends” who acknowledged that my ex husband lied to me and deceived me but then they told me how it really was because they talked to him and he would never lie to them. My mind was blown. Why would he not just lie to you too? He lies. Oh, but to them?! How dare I! They are SPESHUL to him!!!!!!!
It’s like people get in bed with them, knowing they’re shitty people because they want to gloat that they won’t shit on them. It’s multiple levels of super fucked up when you think about it. I just try not to think about it anymore and just avoid these barely human freaks.
“What goes wrong in a woman’s life that she becomes this stupid and pathetic?”
Daddy and mommy issues. Her father was either emotionally (and possibly physically) incestuous or he abandoned her. But since she’s a congenital moron and a horrid little bitch, she didn’t blame him, she blamed her mother. She’s been competing with stand-ins for mommy ever since, trying to win daddy. She truly hates the wives of her APs, but not for themselves, just as a mommy substitute.
100% describes FW’s “cosmic soulmate”. She’s the product of an affair between a high ranking Army officer and his lowly subordinate. When mommy got into drugs and heavy drinking and lost custody of the kids, daddy’s wife refused to take them in. Oh but she loves her daddy, he was the best man ever and his wife was just the old bitter bitch who got in the way of twu wuv. So the cosmic soulmate spent most of her childhood bouncing around foster homes (which yes, is sad, no child deserves what she went through) until she found a way out. Fucking married men. Multiple married men at a time to get money or favors. Wash and repeat until she met my FW and they found that cosmic connection. Which only lasted a few months after I found out. He’s tried to come crawling back so many times over the last few years. I found months worth of texts and at least half of them were bad mouthing me. She hadn’t even met me and I was oblivious to her existence. I always wondered how she hated someone she didn’t know, but I’ve learned she just hated knowing deep down she wasn’t speshul.
You just described the AP in my situation perfectly. Thank you for articulating the gut feeling I’ve never put into words.
During my divorce, a mutual couple said they were firmly in Camp MissBailey. However, they turned out to be flying monkeys. My last straw with them, mainly husband who was/is friends with the Dickhead, was when the husband said I can’t believe he lied to me, I am his friend. Oh, okay to lie to wife of 17 years but not okay to lie to friend. They were still fishing around and that was my last contact with them.
They’re special, you see. They’re The One. Or they’re dumb or inexperienced enough not to understand that “my wife doesn’t understand me” is the oldest line in the book.
That whole lying thing has been the biggest mind-f**k to me. I’m cynical yet I believe people and still find it hard to believe how the whole thing with exFW was a lie.
Sure he cheats and lies on his wife, but not YOU! “If you really want to be in a relationship, potentially long-term, with someone who will ghost you”
Long-term? Like a marriage?
Another way to word this is…Is this relationship acceptable to you? Maybe CL should be doling out advice to these whores.
“He’s sociopathic because he cares.”
I just had to repeat that. Too funny.
My boss — well, former, since I recently quit — describes himself as an empathetic sociopath. It’s been a fun place to work these past two years, after fleeing an abusive fuckwit during a global pandemic.
Think it’s fair to say he’s a walking oxy-moron?
Arrrg!! Here’s some advice- Don’t date married men.
It’s really so simple.
Mitzi has shown me that explaining to an OW why she shouldn’t date married men is like trying to make an FW understand that cheating is abuse.
To paraphrase CL, arguing with an OW is like sticking your head in a blender. Don’t stick your head in a blender.
Cue my angry laughter. Also sorry, I’m working on myself. #wife
The testimonials are hilarious.
“Mitzi is truly one-in-a-million life coach!”
And for that, we can be thankful.
“I spent months talking to a psychotherapist with no results!”
It’s so annoying when you’re involved with someone who is married and the psychotherapist just won’t listen to reason and common sense and logic and tells you you’re wrong! Thank goodness I found Mitzi, a life coach who gets it!
“She’s called herself a friend without motive and I completely agree with that description!”
Has anyone seen my wallet?
“She is an expert communicator and a true empath!” *
*Unless you’re married to her boyfriend.
“She is constantly the conversation topic of family dinners and coffee chats with friends!”
I’m starting to suspect that Mitzi may have written the success stories
Hey, it’s not a TOTAL lie.
She really WAS the constant conversation topic…..between her married boyfriend and his wife.
You’re on a roll VH! ????????????
That reminds me of OW lamenting on social media that she just COULDN’T find a therapist and had tried so many…
Maybe they all told you your affair was a REALLY BAD IDEA and you didn’t want to hear it. Maybe?
Many dysfunctional people will go through umpteen therapists because the therapists will either call them out or refuse to go along with the insanity. There are two women I know that have been with their therapists for years, not because the therapists are helping them (both women are far worse, mentally hanging on by their fingernails) it’s because the therapists go along with and indulge their crazy narratives. Just easy money I guess.
Cheese and crackers. Isn’t adultery illegal? Does the columnist plan on submitting future “ins and outs” of fraud, slander, embezzlement articles?
These women must not be very bright. What do you expect from a cheater? Especially NOT a honest relationship.
I read a lot of these articles about women having affairs with married men. But I have never read an article like this about a single man having an affair with a married woman (besides Playboy, etc.) . Wonder why? My ex wife had affairs with married men.
OW in my case was (is) extremely stupid. But she thinks she’s brilliant. Now, several years out, I think it’s hilarious, though it wasn’t at the time.
There is no way to give an opinion on that without upsetting someone.
Regardless, it is wrong and the adultery partner is just as guilty as the married person. You don’t need to take vows to treat others and their family with respect.
“You don’t need to take vows to treat others and their family with respect.”
I have zero patience for this delusional BS. It’s straight up entitlement. In their weird OW world, a “wife” is just a pain in the ass stopping real love from happening with married men. There’s zero empathy. She’s literally saying “How dare he ghost ME and shatter my dreams of a future together??” with zero regard for the wife and family he’s been ghosting and abandoning.
How can this not be labeled as mental illness?
This reminds me of the wacko OW who fell in love with her married FW every summer at the fair while they peeled potatoes and made love in a field while his wife and family were away visiting grandparents. Then FW abandoned his wife for that delusional cuckoo OW (who posted bizarre belly dancing videos on YouTube) and they opened a weed store together or something. Anyone remember that?
I’m glad UBT has patience to work through their BS and mock it. I just want to tell these idiots to go fuck themselves.
“How can this not be labeled as mental illness”
Because it’s not. True mental illnesses are agonising and awful. Clinical depression, schizophrenia, etc. Taking what doesn’t belong to you and rationalising it is just greedy, shitty behaviour. That is *not* a mental illness.
I misspoke when I said “mental illness.” Maybe a “disorder” would be more appropriate. IE: NPD, sociopath, etc. My point was that those that are this delusional and disconnected should be recognized as “disordered.” In any case — not healthy people
I’m going to say something that might make some people really angry but I don’t care. Personality disorders aren’t illnesses. They are labels we use to describe people whose base personalities are so awful that they are barely human. They don’t have the most important emotions that make us human rather than ruthless animals.
They’re just descriptors of different kinds of human evil. These people can’t get better because this is who they are. It is their personality.
Exactly Katie Pig. A personality disorder is not an illness. Mental illnesses can be treated with medication.
Yes, it’s nutty. I don’t know how they can sit there and say “But he made promises to ME! We were supposed to have a future!”
Do these stupid bimbos really think these assholes tell us, the wives, “Hey, I fucking hate your guts and I’ll never love you but I guess I’ll agree to be married to you for awhile and you can birth my children and wash my underwear and cook my food but always know I will NEVER love you and I’ll be searching for my soulmate to leave you for when I find her!”
These idiot broads really seem to think that’s what we signed up for. That’s why they deserve all the heartache they get. No one is that stupid. They’re just evil and enjoy watching another woman be betrayed, manipulated, and abused.
Here’s my PSA for all APs out there:
Not even a 24/7 all-you-can-eat vagina can satisfy a cheater interested in a smorgasbord nor can an oh-so-special golden vagina (i.e., yours) give cheaters good character and communication skills. So don’t be surprised when they suck at relationships and you get hurt. When you feel the sadz, imagine how the spouse must feel because of what YOU and the FW are doing. #empathy
You want someone who is honest/has good character? Pick from the unmarried buffet. Yeesh. It’s not that hard.
Ugh. I know a lot of APs are men. Replace vaginas with the appropriate body parts, please.
I would like to know what CN says to people who say, “Well, AP didn’t betray you. AP didn’t break any vows. Don’t blame AP for spouse’s cheating. The AP doesn’t have any duty to the chump.” I find it so confusing.
I’ll take a crack at this:
I would say that if the AP knows that the FW is married, then the AP is complicit in the abuse. Even though the AP hasn’t signed a vow to be faithful to the spouse, she’s still hurting that chump by cheating with someone who has made such a vow. And intentionally hurting someone is wrong.
FYI, it’s not confusing at all.
I was taught not to take things that aren’t mine. That cheating and stealing and lying are wrong. That people in committed relationships are unavailable. That if I get involved with someone in a committed relationship, I am also liable for harming the party being duped.
What you describe above is the disordered thinking used by cheaters and their cheating accomplices to justify their bad behavior and deny responsibility.
If I walk into a bank and the teller says I can help myself to the money in the drawer, it’s OK?
I’m not confused at all. It’s people justifying illicit relationships that are confused.
And yes, the affair partner absolutely violates you. And the children involved. It’s not about vows. It’s about boundaries. My good boundaries means I don’t violate boundaries of others. A marriage and a family are like a bank, and a cheating partner is a bank teller who needs an accomplice to rob it. Whoever participated in robbing the bank is liable. Who made vows to whom has zero to do with it.
We’re all free to ethically exit relationships before we start another one. But cheating isn’t about choosing. It’s done by people who want everything they want when they want it die as long as it suits them.
“…a cheating partner is a bank teller who needs an accomplice to rob it.”
Heck, even the getaway driver in a robbery can be charged with the crime. “But I didn’t actually steal anything!” Yeah, idiot, but you helped.
They would be the “friends” from Switzerland who all knew and did nothing.
I live in a state where you can add the AP in court for damages. The thought of that exhausted me and it would add to the expense. I only suspected a couple that I knew I could prove and he only copped to very expensive prostitutes. Now I could add a few more names to the list. Honestly if they were wealthy I may have had more inclination and on the flip side the ex is extremely wealthy and I may have gotten more in the settlement if I had threatened to go that route. I did list that as a contributing factor for the divorce. I just had to get away from the abuse.
When I was younger my best friends mom, a nurse, had an affair with a doctor she worked with. Both were married and his wife sued her. I still remember the adult conversations concerning the case. She was shunned by everyone but they got married and stayed together. My friend and her siblings really suffered and their dad committed suicide a few years later.
Mental health can’t be imposed. It can only be sought. Not everyone is interested in doing that kind of work. It’s difficult and painful and takes a long time. Many people seek the quick fix and the magic pill and settle for the illusion rather than real McCoy. Living an unconscious, anesthetized life is acceptable to a lot of people. I don’t want to be one of them. It takes a lot of denial and anesthesia to be in an illicit relationship. No thanks. Crime pays for a while, or else no one would do it. Integrity pays infinitely more, and indefinitely. It’s also the harder path.
Affairs are dysfunctional. They are set up that way, intentionally created, baked in. You can’t take the dysfunction out of it any more than you can get eggs out of the cake batter.
The irony of cheating as a solution for alleged unhappiness and relationship dissatisfaction blows my mind. Affairs are an extension of the lack of relationship skills and disordered thinking that caused the issues the perpetrators are attempting to run away from.
Years ago, I did not know how to balance my checkbook. Eventually my checkbook became a mess with the corresponding negative consequences. My immature solution was to close the account and switch banks. Same thing happened again. I took my lack of skills with me a few times before I realized I was the source of the problem, learned how ro balance my checkbook, and became fiscally responsible. The problems ceased. Surprise.
An affair is an escape and a “vacation” from Real Life Relationships. A total lack of healthy relationship skills and working knowledge of the concept of love. Vacationing somewhere is not the same thing as living there. I know from a couple of experiences.
An affair is the hardest proof there is that someone is a lemon in the love, relationship marriage department. I don’t want a lemon.
Cheaters aren’t loyal to anyone. They are not faithful to an affair partner….you are an OW to them, remember?
“If I walk into a bank and the teller says I can help myself to the money in the drawer, it’s OK?”
This is the best comparison I have ever read about adultery partners.
Yes I know some don’t know they are married, but not enough to even consider them in a blanket statement.
Of course some people truly don’t know they are the side piece. What they do when they figure it out is where the rubber meets the road in terms of integrity.
I think Amber Frey was pissed when she found out the truth and helped put Scott Peterson away?
Those who knowingly participate in an illicit relationship don’t get a pass. They’re a joint principal.
If you fuck over your family, anybody who helps you is an AH too.
I believe the attorney Gloria Allred represented Amber Frey (pro bono ?) because of the tsunami of international media attention headed Amber’s way. And I’m sure Amber received plenty of hate mail as the other woman, even though she didn’t know she was one.
The AP’s in my case didn’t just want my ex (gag). They wanted my life— or their fantasy of it — and they had no problem going after it… behind my back, of course. One spoiled young OW actually made a Pinterest board about it right before rekindling things with FW, inspired by the progress of our home and property she was seeing on ex’s YouTube channel. How obvious and greedy can you get? (I found her Pinterest profile at a low point, after dday2 when I tried to find out who the fuck the third — I mean fourth — person in my relationship had been all those years.)
Both OW’s are easy, available, and immoral. And so ducking childish and entitled. If not them, FW would’ve inevitably tripped over others. Still doesn’t absolve them or make them decent people. Doesn’t mean they didn’t intentionally — gleefully — hurt me. Really, what kind of person would knowingly pick someone like this? They both, all three, deserve each other. By now, they’re all probably onto new marks. And probably still playing games with each other, too. Not my pig, not my farm. Literally.
OMG, AP in my situation was the same. Wanted my life. Her Pinterest was pictures of gallery walls by the stairs (her apartment didn’t have stairs, my house did), backyard gardens (ditto), etc. Not to mention vacation spots to places *I* have been or want to go. She tried to copy recipes I cooked, clothes I liked/wore, my hairstyle/color, my hobbies. I don’t know if she was afraid of/intimidated by me, or if she was afraid FW was still into me, or if it was simply that at that point a lot of the things I did/wore/whatever were FW’s tastes and he was pushing her into that mold as well.
It used to make me angry that she thought she could just waltz in and take the life I had without putting in the blood, sweat, and tears it had cost me. (FW had been a penniless waiter up to his ears in debt and living in a rented room when I started dating him; when she met him he had a good job, a house, a kid, several successful films he’d made, etc.). But eventually I realized that my “life” was the price I was willing to pay to get out of a very toxic and destructive situation.
Funny thing is, AP thought FW was responsible for our “successful” life – house, two cars, kid, his artistic achievements, etc. Truth was, most of that was me. Once I was gone from my life, the illusion shattered. His life fell apart without me to keep things together. All the problems we had, which AP blamed on me, turned out to be FW’s issues. My life got better and better, and his started spiraling out of control. I don’t say this to boast. It’s just that he blamed me every day for all of his issues, especially his financial trouble, and it was very vindicating when we no longer had any financial entanglement to see that financial difficulties continued to plague him (even with another person sharing all the expenses and giving him THOUSANDS of dollars), while I managed to pay off all my credit card debt and put money in the bank. FW was sure my mom was giving me money because he couldn’t believe I could take care of myself and be successful without him. She wanted my life…and she got it. But it was all a fantasy. She got the bad parts, like my abusive husband and his alcoholism and his terrible money management. All the good stuff? I kept that. Because *I* was the reason for most of the good stuff, and I got to take myself with me. I chose to sell the house (AP had been all over it and that’s gross), and so lost my garden and stuff like that, but I got all the profits and I’m very happy in my apartment for the present. AP ended up leaving my ex for his abuse and never was able to recoup the money she had given him, not to mention her dignity and four years of her life. He died a few months after, without a will. So, because our divorce hadn’t gone through yet, I got EVERYTHING and she walked away empty handed.
But even before that happened, I had come to the point where I didn’t envy her at all. In fact, I was grateful every day that it was her and not me who had to deal with him. I knew what her life was like. I watched her start to look old and careworn and sick and too skinny (seriously, she aged 10 years in 4). I knew exactly why. He had that effect on women. I was and am thriving and have healed to the point where I’m actually grateful for the affair (though NOT grateful to AP, because she, and he, behaved horribly) because it got me OUT. I’ve never been happier.
I have never in my life promised to any homeless person that I would not stomp them to death while they slept at a bus stop. Those words have never come out of my mouth, so should I start doing it? I didn’t make them any promises!
People will say, oh well, that’s illegal. Ok. Well, I never promised everybody on earth not to call them a fat, stupid piece of shit fucking asshole and tell them I hope they die. Should I walk around and start saying that to everybody I see? It’s totally cool because I never promised them I wouldn’t do that and it’s not illegal and everyone will still like me and want to do business with me and be my friend, right?
No, because there are social contracts. And fucking someone’s husband is violating that social contract. So the AP doesn’t get to be liked after doing it just like I wouldn’t be liked if I went around calling people names and treating people like shit. It’s the same thing. We’re allowed to dislike people who do nasty things to us.
I did my part to edify this… person. Handy little contact field on her blog. CN let’s educate this poor lost widdle soul shall we?
Ugh, first time reading this article and vomit. I made it to number 2 on the list and wanted to bitch slap this writer and others who find this acceptable so hard. Absolutely idiotic and disgusting. Boohoo you are being hurt while you are knowingly hurting the wife and potential child. Self-centered and classless.
she shouldn’t be surprised or hurt that she was ghosted? what did she expect? Did she really need someone to explain it to her?
He’s a married man cheating on his wife, why would you trust him? why would you expect anything different?
I once referred to OW as “trashy” to my stbx and he got so angry. But she WAS trashy. Only trashy women have affairs with married men.
Trashy is the perfect word for OW’s. Trashy isn’t about socioeconomic class, it’s about character. I felt trashy being involved in the drama, even though I didn’t have a choice the entire time it was kept a secret from me. Jerry Seinfeld had one thing right: “What’s adjacent to trash is trash.”
This is gross, it’s like the Pick Me Olympics. She’s at least 50 and she’s still competing? That’s actually sadder than being cheated on.
I’d really like to address a particular part of this. Le Emoshunz part.
“Perhaps he’s scared that he will hurt you. He might be worried that you will be angry or disappointed. And he knows that he can’t handle those kinds of emotions.”
He can’t handle you turning up on his door step with receipts, more like.
Top pick-me marks for perpetuating the ultimate bald faced lie of, “men can’t handle emotions”. I swear to God this is an excuse we women have to fucking burn at the stake.
“Men can’t handle emotion” is just “men refuse to handle consequence”. Women accepting and perpetuating this lie is what makes it so effective and we need to stop. Adults handle emotion, they deal with consequence or they aren’t mature enough for relationships. The end.
Notice that when it comes to screaming and guilting and “me want pee pee sleeve”, they do just great at emotions. Emotions bleeding all over the shop. The myth is that crying is an emotion and shouting is only an emotion when it comes from a woman. Men can shout all they like because they’re men and shouting is manly and everything that comes out of their mouths is 100% pure logic no matter the delivery (which is why they’re shouting, not because they’ve lost it but because you need corralling).
It suits men to write women off as, “emotional” when they react in accordance with what just happened. “It isn’t me, it’s your reaction to it”.
This Mitzi woman walks right into this patriarchal trap by viewing the affair and him purely from an emotional place rather than a logical one. Spackling the turd. This serves him perfectly.
Is she angry at me? She’s irrational, she’s emotional. Therefore I can write off the message.
That said, can I use her propensity for emotional to send her to Cloud 9 merely by sending her a text message?
No, men don’t have an emotion problem, they have a fucking honesty problem, an accountability problem in a world that has always punished women for speaking out on miserable conditions. They will purport to hate “emotional” but it actually serves them in many ways, it used to get women put in asylums and it still gets them on medication for purely situational depression. It’s like a Swiss Army Knife of Mindfucking.
If you’re still not convinced, try this; keep your cool and use logic on a man (optimally if he’s attempting to bully or fuck you) and watch how long it takes for him to attempt to inspire emotion in you. “You’re making me feel guilty”, “have you been hurt, why don’t you let those walls down a bit..?” etc
If you continue to use logic, watch how long it takes for him to stomp off and/or write you off as a bitch/ice queen/lesbian.
Men disdain emotionally-driven women but they absolutely loathe the logical woman.
“But I let him back in — over and over.”
I wouldn’t want anybody who swings between narcissism and self loathing anywhere near my life coaching plan.
I think I conked out like your UBT. Time for some chocolate.
“Men disdain emotionally-driven women but they absolutely loathe the logical woman.”
I have never seen this expressed so succinctly before and it’s perfect!
My ability to reason logically pissed off fuckwit no end.
I said to him once, why do you always have to shout and scream??
His reply, you’re better at arguing than me, that’s why I have to shout!
“Don’t raise your voice, improve your argument. Now get the fuck out of my way.”
Gotta love how people who mock and twist victims’ “emotions” in response to their abuse have no self awareness about their own rage, sadz, etc. My ex wavered between raving lunatic and blubbering baby — occasionally using a haughty, cold, condescending tone to mindfuck me — but I was the emotional one? I held myself, and him, together more times than I can possibly recall. He did manage to push me over the edge, more and more at the end, yet it was never anything close to his displays. What a freak.
I’d edit this to “cheating men” or patriarchal men. As we know here at CN, it’s a rainbow nation and men get cheated on too. The OW pick me dance shit, however, is incredibly retrograde and sexist. As pointed out in a comment below, men NEVER write these articles. Or the insipid ones on winning the turd that appear in every women’s magazine. There is nothing more suck-the-dick-of-the-patriarchy than being an OW. That some of them write it off as emboldened feminism makes my head want to explode.
Thank you Tracy, on behalf of the men who continue to set the good example but still get shit-painted by the broad brush.
I think if I were to edit it, I’d err on the side of “patriarchal men” rather than “cheating men” because this isn’t a phenomena that is present purely in cheating men.
Learned helplessness with regard to ’emotions’ in (patriarchal?) men spreads far and wide even in men who are decent and upstanding 90% of the time. There are men who will help you build a shed in the blink of an eye but the second you start welling up at anything, it’s stage exit left. I don’t think it’s healthy to keep normalising this invalidating reaction.
On the manipulation side, I’ll concede that I think a lot of the manipulations are by accident, not calculated. The mindset that women are hysterical-unless-proven-ice-cold-frigid-bitches is just that entrenched, unfortunately.
Of course #NotAllMen are bastards – and I won’t treat a man as if he’s a bastard until bastard-proved – but it’s up to good men to help us keep the bastards in check since patriarchal men only respect the opinions and validation of other men.
If a person has read everything I’ve said about the millennia-old systemic cruelty that women have suffered – continue to suffer – under patriarchal men and they’re stuck on #NotAllMen, I know where their priorities are. If that paints me morally grey, well, alright. Maybe it’s a false equivalence but I won’t go back to coddling a person who feels oh so pained by my taking a stand against a destructive force prevalent enough to be generalised. I’ve retired from that thankless job.
An interesting thing is happening in the younger men; while one half seem to be developing emotional maturity, you have another side sliding into the incel movement. I can’t tell if the status quo is splitting into diametric opposites or if everyone just feels comfortable enough to be more honest. I do think that the internet and its reach and its permissiveness have been the catalyst.
I appreciate Sally’s insights.
The double bind of emotions ~ if you have any, you’re an hysterical fish wife, and if you dont, you’re a calculating bitch. Like many of us I’m going through this at the moment with a property settlement ~ if I accept less than (emotional), I’m a good girl, but if I pursue what I’m legally entitled to (logical), a gold digging scoundrel. Thanks to the collective wisdom of CN, and seeing women I work with as a domestic violence lawyer get repeatedly done over by these pricks, I’m going with option b. Unlike Mitzi I never did learn to “be nice”.
I have to agree with this statement, there is a weird draw and focus on douchebag guys like this. The AP my wife chose was a real treat, an alcoholic cheating on his fiancee (he didn’t want to leave her, he was living in her house), working a low end job. And he was a controlling sexist POS man-child on top of it. I in contrast, am a professional who has always contributed more than my wife to my family (child care, chores, you name it). And yet she “pick me” danced for him. I think think these crappy guys don’t write the articles because they don’t need to. They don’t feel any pressure to justify their turdhood to others, they are always able to draw new flies.
Regardless of gender, the AP is almost always a big downgrade. Chump gets disdained and mocked for going into overdrive with effort and the fuckwit response to it is along the lines of, “you look desperate, you’re trying too hard, it’s a turn off”, even if they themselves told you to increase your contribution.
While I’m sure there’s truth in their response, I feel as though deep down, they know they aren’t worthy. So in their effed up way of squaring things, they look down on YOU for thinking that someone as scummy as them is worth winning over. “If they’re trying so hard for me, they must be stupid. So I’ll treat them as such to distract from how much of a fuckwit I am.”
Flies and their turds, huh?
“Top pick-me marks for perpetuating the ultimate bald faced lie of, “men can’t handle emotions”. I swear to God this is an excuse we women have to fucking burn at the stake.”
So true! Oh and the “he’s just scared to get involved or commit” crap women will use when a guy she’s dating is blowing her off. No, he’s flat out not interested.
I love this reply.
Fierce af. I’d like to buy you some chocolate Sally! This whole comment is fire.
Thank you! Let us share chocolate!
After the first question about “why would he ghost you”, came the text:
“There are several reasons… and they all end in….”
… at which point my screen inserted an ad for a hospital, showing a closeup of the “EMERGENCY MAIN ENTRANCE” sign…
… and the same ad was inserted over and over, after every reason for the rest of the (hilarious) post.
Subtle, UBT, subtle !!! ????????????
Perhaps the ad network has a sense of humor? Either that or the UBT really fucked with the algorithms.
It must have a sense of humor. The banner at the bottom of my screen reads:
We can help
Good luck with CN, you quacks. Now, “hex ex”… that might work.
My fw basically ghosted me to marry whore.
He spent about thirty years married to her; but to be fair he cheated on her the first few years (per my son and daughter in law), and the last ten to 15 years he was in such bad shape he could barely walk to the mailbox and back without resting. So I imagine the sex capades waned quite a bit for him.
PSA: Please stop smoking if you now smoke. Aside from my son losing his dad to the horrific effects of smoking; I lost my dear sweet brother to cancer due same.
I know it is a hard habit to break.
I lost my best friend to COPD from smoking. She was 49 and had a husband and 3 teenaged children.
To quote someone I met recently “Nothing good comes from smoking.”
And I’m sorry for your loss (your brother) and your son’s loss (your ex.)
Per another of her webpages, she has “52 years of experience as a woman and 10 years as a life coach,” which apparently is sufficient in her own mind to list ALL of these as her specialties: SPECIALTIES
Anxiety Issues, Business Management, Bipolar Disorder, Career, Change Management, Communication Problems, Conflict Management, Couples/Marital Issues, Dating/Being Single Support, Depression, Divorce Rehabilitation, Divorce/Divorce Prevention, Empowering Women, Emptiness, Family Support, Forgiveness, Happiness, Health Coach, Health/Wellness, Identity Issues, Life Management, Life Transitions, Marriage, Midlife Crisis, Mood Swings, Nutrition, Overwhelm, Parenting, Relationships, Self-Esteem, Social Anxiety, Stress Management, Time Management, Wellness, Worry https://www.yourtango.com/experts/mitzi-bockmann
Please note she claims to be an expert on Divorce Rehabilitation and Divorce/Divorce Prevention. And also that she is “an NYC-based, certified life and love coach.” Per her Linked in Page, her education is a BA in British Literature and she is a Certified Life Coach per the United Latino Students Association. Huh? She’s blonde and looks very, very white.
Here’s a tip from her article https://www.yourtango.com/heartbreak/survive-cheating-boyfriend :
“When my ex found another girlfriend, I was forever framing it as the fact that he ‘left me.’ That was how I felt it was. And, while, technically, it was true, in reality, our relationship hadn’t been perfect. So, I started to frame it not that he left but that we ended it. Which, ultimately, is what we did! That reframing helped me move on so I could use my coping skills to survive and thrive!”
Wow, let’s all learn to lie to ourselves and others. And learn from HER, because,
“So, if you want to survive after your boyfriend cheated, get some help. Find someone (like me!) who will listen to YOUR story and YOUR feelings and use their professional experience to help you move forward from where you are right now.”
“an NYC-based, certified life and love coach.”
Oh I see. So you’re telling me, she isn’t paying into Social Security. And fucking married men? So she’s not getting the benefit of his Social Security contributions, either.
I wish her a happy retirement, in about seventy more years.
I’m just a little bit confused about one thing.
I know the RIC works long and hard to convince women to stay in abusive relationships. I’m not sure I’ve seen as much dedication to men having to stay with cheating wives.
And now we have a life coach dedicated to getting women to accept this ridiculous subordinate position that just happens to cause absolute devastation to an innocent woman, with children, none of whom has ever done anything to deserve what’s coming at them.
Is this an equal-opportunity industry?
Are there young, single men who writhe in agony and indecision because the married woman they’re boinking hasn’t responded to a text in at least three weeks?
Are there actual life coaches out there who make a living convincing single, eligible men to stick it out with the married woman they’re fucking, who’s ghosting them? I just don’t think there’s an industry dedicated to keeping men in a completely subordinate position, sidelining any possibility of having a rewarding monogamous relationship with a decent and monogamous woman.
Meaning no offense, but you sound young, or at least naive. One thing I’ve learned in my years studying fuckwittery on this planet is that any evil shit you can think of, somebody else got there long before you did.
I think you’re missing her point, Violet, and I think it’s a really interesting observation.
“Are your furtive orgasms worth his children’s therapy bills?” Thank you for boiling it down to this.
Grim, isn’t it
The fact that someone wrote something so stupid is hilarious. With so much depressing news, it’s good to laugh. Thank you, Mitzi, for the ultimate UBT fodder.
This is just brilliant.
What do these women expect? WHAT DO THEY EXPECT?
OW saw me as an impediment to her happiness with FW, and was perfectly happy to participate in his abuse of me (smearing my name, trying to get me fired, screaming in my face, you name it), all the while posting inspirational memes about kindness and feminism on her social media. She knew me, and knew what he was doing to me, but she clearly thought that I was the problem, and while he did those things to ME, he would NEVER do them to HER, because she was SPESHUL, SHE really loved him, she really KNEW him, she could see what a tortured soul (sad sausage) he was. IF ONLY I wasn’t dragging him down, he’d be such a nice person. She wrote to him “I think you’re really a fundamentally happy person”. LOL. He was MISERABLE. Always. No matter what good things happened in his life, it was never enough. I tried to make him happy for 15 years. She learned the hard way that it wasn’t me. It wasn’t me at all. He turned around and started abusing her too. Whoops.
She was, and is, rather stupid. She thinks she is super smart, talented, and a social justice warrior (with whatever the flavor-of-the-month issue is). Maybe she was smart by the standards of the backwoods town she grew up in, but she’s neither well-educated, talented, or intelligent. She flattered my stbx by calling everything he said/wrote “mind blowing”, never stopping to think that maybe the reason why everything he said sounded so smart was just that she was kind of dumb. “I never saw it like that!” “I never made that connection!” “This is such a great insight!” Yeah, you don’t know shit, bitch, that’s all. He absolutely loved that she was naive and he could train her to be what he wanted. He introduced her to all the things he liked, and she just lapped it all up. I don’t think she has much of a personality of her own.
I feel so bad for her kids (she has two, from her ex husband). But…not my circus.
She did me a favor in the end. I have no sympathy for her, though. She deserved everything she got.
In the end, she ghosted HIM. She quit her job, fled the state, changed her phone number. He killed himself in despair. I blame her for that, too. What she put my child through is unforgivable. I don’t think she’s learned anything, and she still hates me for some reason (she called me her “arch nemesis” on social media, and accused me of stealing her things – seriously, she doesn’t matter enough to me for me to be her nemesis, let alone her arch nemesis; I didn’t and don’t have to do a thing to her, she’s more than capable of ruining her own life). She hilariously was offering advice on Twitter for women going through a divorce from an abusive man and said “DON’T date! Knights in shining armor WILL show up, and you could end up in a worse relationship than before”. Oh, so NOW she realizes that leaving her husband for a married man was a bad idea. I could have told her that years ago.
I don’t think there’s any way to help women like this. I just hope she doesn’t do to anyone else what she did to me and my family.
She sounds so enlightened and powerful and has so much wisdom to share. Is her next step to present herself as a life coach, ala Ms. Mitzi?
“I don’t think there’s any way to help women like this.”
Why would anyone want to? ????????
So they don’t do it to someone else’s family?
When people were coming over the border, and children were getting separated from parents, my ex’s new wife posted the meme “Keep Families Together” around her photo on Facebook. I found that laughable. She had no problem tearing my family apart – I guess she didn’t get that connection. I guess her never having met me made it so much easier for her to tear my family apart.
Now she’s in med school to become a gynecologist. Hmmm…I would not want a woman who steals other people’s husbands as my gynecologist. Call me crazy.
Years ago when I was newly out of college and working, I realized with shock that affairs were the norm in my workplace. They did it on business trips with each other, peers at the location, the hotel staff, or hired it out. They also did it in their offices. Heck, the group leader was living with his boss’s ex wife, an affair he pursued while his boss was married to her.
I thought that was just all too weird and gross and commented about that to a coworker who I had known for years because his wife had been my ballet teacher. He just cracked up and said that I wasn’t the only one who thought that it was horrid. He told me as my friend to take my romantic life away from work and away from married people if I wanted true happiness in life. Wise counsel!
Over the years I watched the breakups and ghosting from the sidelines and decided that it was stupid too. Gosh, people!
This was the best UBT ever. Totally made my day. Thank you.
My stbx and his AP had “their song”. It was a effing boy band song. He is 61 years old! Our grown children are more mature than he is. He thought the younger, hotter woman made him a stud, but it just made him look pathetic ????
Yup! My ex is married to a woman 21 years his junior. She dresses him in clothes he would never wear. She got him to shave his head bald (I guess so people could not see that he was going bald). Made him lose a good 40-50 lbs. And even made him have botox to keep his upper lip from revealing his gummy smile. I’m sure he thinks he’s a stud now, too. But…he looks pathetic…some old guy trying to be a young, hip guy. It’s an epic fail. Ridiculous!!! At least we can sit back and laugh at them!
Wait, what?! She’s a 52 year old *life coach*? ????????????
Leave it to a side piece to monetize this crap.
I hope this “news article” brings Mitzi a gazillion new ho clients. So she can pick their pockets while enabling their bat-shit crazy thinking. Feels like poetic justice to me.
Ho. What an awful, sexist word. Sorry about that CN.OW stuff always touches a nerve – even if it’s comical stuff. Even while laughing the pain is there. The term “side piece” however, is an equal opportunity slur :-).
I feel ya. However it is a useful term, easily uttered and universally understood.
It helps a little if you give equal time to the term “manho.”
Don’t ever use the “c” word though. <>
I like *whore* myself, as in ‘rat faced’ ????????
Why is ‘ho’ sexist? There are man whores, and woman whores, and man ho’s, and woman ‘ho’ s, aka shitty slime ball humans. ????????
Thanks Violet and Chumpnomore6. Words do change meaning over time. I’m a feminist tempered during the ancient misty era of the late ’70s and ’80s when “the rings of power were forged in the depths of Mount Doom” 🙂 Slut shaming words like ho etc. were heartily condemned. Guess I can cut myself some slack. Context also matters. Chumpnomore6 calling her OW rat faced whore never really bothered me. It does make me feel squirmy when those figurative frogs jump out of my mouth and onto the page.
Yeah, I agree with this one. Yes, ho and whore began as sexist terms to describe women who sold sex, had affairs, simply had sex out of wedlock with a person they loved or even just enjoyed sex. Just, if a woman was in the mere vicinity of sex and wasn’t making babies with her husband, immediate whore. Hell, we’re even whores if we say no! All roads lead to Ho.
I’ve started to use ho and whore equally in the last couple of years with regard to infidelity and it really helps in framing things correctly, I think. The cheating man doesn’t get to be, “player” or “I KNOW NOT WHAT I DO”, no, he can join the whores.
This is turning out to be a morning full of laughs.
– UBT was stellar, as always
– read the comments in the yahoo article . . . there are many clever ways people poke fun of stupid
– my favorite CL cartoon is the woman in the flowing nightie with her head thrown back, with some old dude in his whitey tighties. Mitzi’s website has a photo of a woman in that same carefree position. Screw a married man and experience exhilarating joy.
So good to laugh!
“my favorite CL cartoon is the woman in the flowing nightie with her head thrown back, with some old dude in his whitey tighties.”
I absolutely laugh to tears, every time I view that cartoon.
My fw was 40 when the year of discard started, whore was 35. He was only 5’7″ and she about 5′. Both overweight by a large number. (not that there is anything wrong with that, just setting the picture of reality). I can just picture them in all their cartoonish glory swooning over each other.
I am 5′ 5′ so maybe she made him feel like a giant among men. Lol.
“I am 5′ 5′ so maybe she made him feel like a giant among men”
Similar thing happened to me. It hurt that he was so defensive and protective of his AP while ????% devaluing me. An extra kick to the gut.
Yep, that is a pain that is hard to recover from. It left a scar for me.
Same. I tried to point out how outrageous and cruel some of the things she had said to me were. I got a hurt look. She was shiny. I was not.
At one point, he told me I had to apologize to HER because I’d noticed some odd withdrawals from our checking account and worried that she might have been the one who did it.
Why would I think she might steal his card and take $$?? Silly me. She’s as pure as the driven snow. Having a multi-year affair with my then-husband and cheating on her own husband didn’t mean she was a bad person. My bad.
Yes. It hurt so bad when he took her side, publicly defended her against criticism, encouraged her pursuits, complimented her appearance (glowingly), etc. while simultaneously tearing me down every chance he got, smearing my name, calling me ugly and worthless, etc.
When I was young, I wasted my precious time wondering why people cheat and whether it can be “fixed.” I thought of myself as a strong person, capable of fixing broken things and people. As I aged, I wised up. People only change when they are more unhappy with the way they are, and the way things are than they think they will be if they do the hard work of changing. I can only be responsible for my actions. I am not able to “fix” anyone else. I may have had some guidance abilities for my children, when they were young, but that was not “fixing ” them.
If an adult continues to cheat, over and over, they are not unhappy with the way things are. They are only unhappy if they get caught and face consequences. That is who they are. Step away from the problem person, then run away.
I also have zero compassion for adults who choose to live this way. I love CL and the UBT snark. It makes me happy that someone actually tells it like it is.
“On the other side of taking you for granted is the fact that he knows that if he tells you the truth, it won’t go well.”
Alternative fact: If he’s being dishonest, it’s already not going well.
What a sick freak.
When a schmoopie is ghosted, that is a sign from Chthulu that he/she/it loves you and wants you to be happy. In gratitude, the discarded ex-schmoopie should sound the alarm with the victim/spouse and suggest STD testing. Actually you should have done this a long time ago, but I digress. Notify FW’s employer and relatives. Raise Cain. Do this hidden behind several layers of anonymity and assure all parties that you would not touch the FW with a barge pole. Because that’s true now, right? RIGHT??
“I Make Horrendous Decisions Because I Am Blitheringly Narcissistic”. This needs to be done in needlepoint on a million throw pillows. Then thrown at FWs and their APs.
How can somebody actually write such a POS article and believe what they are saying! Truly unbelievable!!
These creatures are incapable of self-reflection. They truly believe they’re absolutely splendid.
What gets me the most is how iredeemably*stupid* they are; they really seem to think a fuckwit who lies to his wife, betrays her, gaslights her, won’t do exactly the same to them. ????????
The axiom, “If he cheats with you, he’ll cheat on you” just flies over their self absorbed twats.
Yep per my son and daughter in law fw went on to cheat on whore soon after their marriage. She made of pretense of “leaving him” but he coaxed her back. What a load, she was never going to leave that meal ticket. If he cheated on me because I was so miserable; I wonder what excuse he used to cheat on her. I mean she had the magic taco.
I assume he took his cheating further underground, she knew where all the alley cats hung out, so he had to be more careful with her.
Luckily for her he got so bad off I doubt he could get it up anymore; so she didn’t have to worry about it anymore. Then he took up gambling and gambled them into
bankruptcy. Gotta get their thrills somehow.
In the tradition of Camilla Parker Bowles, Rielle Hunter, Marla Maples, etc., etc., the AP in my sitch and now Mitzi, are chronic side pieces statistically more prone to ptosis, aka “droopy eyelids,” sort of like Droopy the dog from Looney Tunes”? I’m sure social scientists lurk on this page to mine study fodder. We should make open requests for correlative research lol.
Hmmm. AP in my sitch also has ptosis. In one eye. Maybe there is a correlation!
It can relate to early alcohol abuse. It might fit “risk taking.”
“And your vagina could no longer comfort the afflicted.”
I think I just peed myself, howled, AND splurted tea on the screen – all in one go. UBT is a MASTER today.
Hilarious, Chump Lady! Thank you.
I’d love to send this to the best friend/lawyer of my STBX’s OW. She told me how heartbroken the OW was when I found out my husband had a side piece and he suddenly dropped her like a hot rock. Poor thing was devastated. Aww
This is a pathetic piece of print. But the UBT is right on! This would be even funnier to me, but last night the FW XW decided to reach out to me in the most minimal way possible (still, I’m amazed and pissed off that she did), and send me something totally unrelated to being essential to our children (which I have repeatedly told her over the last five years that that’s the only thing I’m willing to break no contact/grey rock for. Which she has never fucking done. But, I digress). No, she sends me a text about a former asshole employer in the pharmacy business, who started a different pharmacy business after I left his previous business as a pharmacist. It seems his new business was highlighted in our (essentially) free state weekly paper, and how it’s not doing well because of his awful management. Which I could have told them would have happened years ago. However, in the midst of my depression at burning out in pharmacy, and being unable to support my former wife and family in the way they had been accustomed to, I interviewed for this new venture w/the former boss/owner, but it was only so the this guy could find out why I left his awful former workplace. So, I guess the FW XW wants to show me I was right about the business going bad? I think? Because, we’re still friends, right? The fact that she stone-cold exit-affaired me for her old, rich boss who she’s now married to shouldn’t really matter, right?
If this is hoovering, what a fucking joke. I’m so sorry for all of you that got this around D-day. It’s really pissing me off five years after D-day. I can’t imagine how anybody would deal with/it closer to the awful deed. What an attempt at mindfuckery. I’m not dignifying this shit w/a reply. As CL says, she fired me from my job as husband after almost twenty five years, ditches me and marries her asshole AP, but hey, it’s ok to remind me how we used to discuss stuff like this, when we were a couple. Good God. What an awful woman. I am SO better off without her in my life. WE are so much better off without all these fuckwits in our lives. Good night and God bless all us chumps. The shit we had and still have to put up with when it comes to these fuckwits. Unbelievable.????♂️
shes a life coach, Its the same with therapists probably. they fall for the crap that cheaters say. i unfortunately know of a couple of ow, and they are seriously deluded, they think they are way better than the wife or partner, they agree with fws all the time, harold pinter, playwright or poet said they fuck u up u mum and dad, and he was right. he cheated on his wife as well. such a sense of entitlement must come from somewhere
Likely you’ve all seen this already but wanted to be sure.
My then-60+ year old EXFW whose music tastes always ran to the music of his youth like the Spinners, Four Tops, Temptations, Jackie Wilson, etc. mirrored his 21 y.o. “playmate’s” (as in, I just saw her as a ‘playmate’ not an affair partner, said to me during a post DD discussion) musical tastes and downloaded to his iPhone music from The Grateful Dead and other rock bands that he had never listened to, not once in our 30-year marriage. I heard it playing from his phone one day, he admitted he got the band names from her, and for a very, very, very brief moment felt a teeny, tiny bit of pity for an old fool.
Maybe a married man isn’t the way to go. Anyone with even a little bit of self worth probably wouldn’t consider it. The married man is most at fault because he clearly has no integrity or morals. So maybe it’s a good match after all.