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A Chump Declaration of Independence

freedomOverthrowing tyrants? Boldly striking out to chart a new life? Chumps have Independence Day down. Today I’m rerunning this proclamation by CN member KibblesNBits. Please add your amendments and revolutionary fervor in the comments. 

Have a happy July 4 holiday everyone and VIVA la independence!  

Dear Chump Lady,

In honor of what will be yet another difficult holiday for some. I have re-written the Declaration of Independence for Chumps everywhere. Thank you for all you do! Happy Independence Day!

Our Declaration of Independence
When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one person to dissolve the bonds which have connected them with a cheating partner, and to assume the powers of freedom, to which the Laws of Values and character entitle them.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all who have been cheated on are created equal, that they are endowed with unalienable rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness — That whenever any Form of relationship becomes destructive, it is the Right of the chumped to alter or to abolish their relationship, and to lay a foundation as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. It is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such an abusive partnership, and to provide a new life for themselves and their children’s future security.  — Such has been the patient sufferance of the chumpted. To prove this, let Facts of a cheater be submitted to a candid world.

  • They have broken the bounds of marriage and commitment.
  • They have blame shifted and gas-lighted their partner info believing it is all their fault. Thereby inflicting emotional abuse.
  • They have recklessly spent monies secured for your family and children.
  • They have called together family and friends for the sole purpose of feeding them a false narrative and moving them into compliance.
  • They made their partner/spouse vulnerable to disease and sickness.
  • They have obstructed the Administration of Justice, by lying under oath, and spreading false witness against their partners and circumventing the law.
  • They have made partner/spouse dependent on their will alone, taking advantage of their empathy and using it to fuel their relentless desire for cake.
  • They have created false records, email accounts, craigslist profiles to troll for hook-ups and have enlisted their allies to cover their tracks.
  • They have kept among us, in times of peace, enough tokens of affection to keep us in our place, and in a state of confusion.
  • They have frozen our assets and cut us off from our family through alienation.
  • They turn our children against us for the purpose of feeding their own ego.
  • They declare themselves falsely sorry and falsely invested our relationships only to continue to cheat.
  • They have plundered our lives, ravaged our self-esteem, burnt our love to ashes, and destroyed families for the sole purpose of self-gratification.
  • Our repeated pleas to change have been answered only by repeated injury.

We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our separation, and hold them, and their actions in contempt and adjudicate responsibility upon them.

We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of Chumps, solemnly publish and declare, That we have the Right to be Free and Independent; and have full Power to stand up in courts, demand child support, counter their false narrative, and to do all other Acts and Things which bring peace and stability to our hearts, minds and families. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to support each other and provide council to those who have been newly chumped. To light the way toward the land of Meh.

Signed,

KibblesNBits

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • -They have commited sexual abuse upon us by using the false claim that they are faithful in order to get sex they would not get if we knew the truth.

    -By deception they have stolen valuable time from our lives and prevented us from taking advantage of opportunities for an authentic relationship.

    -In this deception they have also have taken advantage of our labor in and out of the home and emotional labor within the relationship in order to benefit themselves.

    -They have, in doing the above, created a system of involuntary servitude within the relationship, thus violating our liberty and autonomy as human beings.

    • This is particularly meaningful for those chumps who faced a “gray divorce” and entered retirement with a fraction of financial savings and home equity after a lifetime of work. Freedom from tyranny, however, is worth the effort.

      • Yes, it’s meaningful IcanseeTuesday! The goalposts are always shifting and put older chumps at a huge financial disadvantage. At 57 after decades of his making unilateral financial decisions I was able to focus in a panicked state to set myself up for retirement currently at age 65. I had no assets, credit and debt. Thanks to this tribe I managed to utilize my time planning for my retirement. It’s never too late to leave a cheater. Freedom is priceless.

        • It’s amazing how we chumps find the time and space to do financial planning and organizing of our lives when we aren’t spending our energy pick me dancing and heeding to the endless demands of fuckwits.

        • 100% Doing me. I managed to keep some assets( though he kept 70% with the money he stole and blew in his failing business /ego boost). I just got downsized out of a business I have been involved in for nearly 30 years so once again I will pivot. I may just put my retirement plan in place early and sell my home ( something that was going to happen regardless since he left me with no retirement savings instead of the hundreds of thousands we had laboured for years to save. That is the only thing I now have any thoughts of missing.

      • It is frightening at any age, but has to be even more so the older one gets.

        Though it didn’t feel like it at the time, I think I was fortunate to be in kind of a sweet spot, of age 40 with my son grown, and still some time to rebuild.

        I think I will always be a little pissed though at the years he stole from me while I thought I was loving and helping a man who loved me. Wrong. It was a wire monkey.

      • Agree! It’s only money I keep telling myself and it can be earned. Living with an abusive fuckwit? That’s the real drain in the system

      • I divorced at 63, and left him with what I could carry — four boat bags full of my most important belongings after a quarter century together. Despite having bought and sold two houses (one that I bought long before he and I got together) I had no home equity — it was deposited into a joint account where he spent it. The financial aspect was bad. But the worst was the theft of my time. I’m now in my late 60s and have never had an authentic relationship. At my age, even though I’ve done the work on myself and fixed my picker, it is extremely unlikely I will ever have the opportunity to have an authentic relationship. That’s the part that hurts most of all.

    • And least we forget they take all that as the foundation with their AP’S, a sinkhole we’ve escaped. Toss in the evidence seeking, mindfuck, financial, health, and emotional abuse and future faking. Meh.

  • This reminds me that when I received my divorce papers, they were dated July 5. Closest day to Independence Day I could get!🇺🇸

    • Trudy- my daughter reminded me yesterday that the Declaration was written on the 4th but not signed until August 2nd!!
      Consider your divorce being signed on the 5th a big win!

  • we mutually pledge to support each other and provide council to those who have been newly chumped, and in doing so, incorporate the principle of “do no harm” so as to minimize further pain and suffering. we light the way to the land of Meh with cleansing fires of legal papers, leftover love letters, travel journals, and wedding clothes. therapists sing a glorious chorus of hallelujah! as we step across the threshold of a house with walls that sing.

    we are worthy! we are worthy! we are worthy!

    • Cleansing fires could probably have a Friday Challenge all to themselves: What did you *literally* throw in a fire when you left a cheater?

  • I declare freedom from caring about his welfare. I no longer focus on his injustices and focus on my peace and joy. I take care of my needs first and foremost and leave behind tethers to past emotional entanglements that do not serve my mental health. Hugs!

  • Every day I wake up, amazed that I made it to the other side. Truly life is good. I have the aches and pains of getting older, but most importantly, I have peace, love, and hope.

    That’s what I wish for others still in the fight. It will get better.

  • My D-Day was July 1, 2020, and while I’m sure he thought he was achieving independence, the reverse was true. While I do still mourn the marriage I thought I had, my life is much better without that lead FW weight on my back — and it’s hard now to imagine I was ever content with his nonsense.

    Mild spoilers for Stranger Things Season 4 Part 1 following, so scroll on by if you need to:
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    Spotify now has an “Upside Down” playlist, and the first song on the list is what your song, should you find yourself having tea with Vecna. Apparently mine is “Beautiful Day” by Michael Bublé 😀

  • Thank goodness for the combination of menopause + meh. Today would have been my wedding anniversary with Voldemort, and I can’t quite remember anymore how long ago that was. Freedom is awesome though. I’m grateful for my peaceful quiet life, without the endless pick-me dancing and barely-submerged financial damage. Happy Independence Day to *ME*! ❤💙❤💙

    • Yay Sunny! So it is possible to forget? That’s encouraging.

      I’m dreading both my wedding and D day anniversaries which are coming up shortly.
      They 100% suck. Let freedom ring!

    • Tomorrow would have been my 25th. 5 years ago we were planning to renew our vows. He was already cheating. Douche canoe. Bye bye.

    • It was truly confirmed for me that I’m at “meh” this past April, when I didn’t remember our wedding anniversary until two days after it passed. I was too busy with my own good life.

      “I’m grateful for my peaceful quiet life, without the endless pick-me dancing and barely-submerged financial damage. Happy Independence Day to *ME*! ” AMEN.

  • Yes!!! I totally agree!! My D-Day was July 4, 2017!! Mine came home that afternoon and said he didn’t love me anymore and he wanted a divorce!! I was devastated!! He had been having an affair with a married Ho-worker, who also has 4 young adult children! He started working out of town for 3 weeks, then home for a week, repeat. (All this for a possible promotion to management!) We had been married 25 years, no children. I was a flight attendant and traveled in and out of the country and US. I was never out more than 3/4 days at a time. We were making it work. I really started to get tired of his 3 weeks away and 1 week home. This started our downfall!! Especially when he would tell me he and OW were driving to work (10 minute drive) together! They both had company cars! Then working out in the extended stay hotel, lunch together with coworkers, etc…. Out to dinner together, etc…. I asked him one time if he would like me to go out to dinner with one of our pilots and another couple??? He said no. I said well I don’t like you going out to dinner with her and another couple!! It really turned out to be a huge tug o war!!! He devalued and disrespected me and our marriage vows. Told me, “I hope you know you brought this all on yourself!!” When he came home that 4th of July afternoon and said those things to me, I was devastated and hurt. A week later I hired an attorney. The rest is history. Not having children was easier for me to go no contact. I haven’t heard from him since 8/2018!! I don’t know anyone I would care to contact to see if he is still with the Ho-worker or not. So many want closure and all I can say to them is, when your spouse devalues you, disrespects you and betrays you, YOU have all the closure you need!!!
    Happy Independence Day to ME AND TO ALL CHUMPS!!!

    • This!!!! Thank you!!!
      “So many want closure and all I can say to them is, when your spouse devalues you, disrespects you and betrays you, YOU have all the closure you need!!!”

      I am 2 years, 2 months out. Getting rid of things that remind me of him bit by bit… Looking forward to not thinking of him at all!
      Life is so good right now.

    • I needed to hear this too. My d-day was July 2, 2021. Happy anniversary to my freedom. I secretly found out about the 3 year affair with proof of disgusting photos, video and daily texts that spelled out the entire double life without him saying a word. I went straight to a lawyer’s office that day to file – never even confronted him. Divorced 9 months later. Easier without us having any kids. I suspect I’ll never ever hear from him again. He’s too much of a coward while living with the AP enjoying their TRU WUV story together. As much a I want closure, you’re right. I have all the closure I need.

  • Sitting here, thinking of the freedom I won’t have until the Court grants our Divorce in April 2023.

    Limbo sucks. It sucks even more as I watch our lifelong savings disappear in a puff of failing markets, out of control inflation and devaluation of the dollar. As if a cheating spouse wasn’t bad enough, I must weather COVIDiocy and the NWO efforts to strip us of all we have, too…July 4, 2023 cannot get here soon enough!!!

    In the meantime, at least I am free of his flatulence, explosive bathroom events, gaslighting and verbal abuse…Let the silence of freedom ring!

    • Oh please, not more anti-vax, anti-mask, Q-Anon conspiracy nuttiness.
      Listen, I am *immunocompromised*. Mask and vaccine mandates saved lives.
      With mask mandates over I am just today getting some symptoms after being in a store with an unmasked idiot COUGHING with her mouth wide open.
      I’m vaxxed to the hilt, so I’ll survive even if is is Covid, but damn, do irresponsible people who put their so-called “freedumn” above the lives of others piss me off!
      I will not be able to go to an important family funeral if the test is positive, but that’s an example of the kind of sacrifices you make in order to protect others, if you are a good person. If you are a shit person all you care about is your own convenience and “free-dumb.”

    • “I am free of his flatulence, explosive bathroom events, gaslighting and verbal abuse…Let the silence of freedom ring!”

      Sweet, gentle peace and quiet. It’s wonderful. Congrats on phase one! Less than a year to go…

  • I am declaring freedom from making myself small so that he could feel big, and independence from a life where he made all the decisions. Now I am free to make my own choices. I am free from lies, gaslighting, unknowingly risking my health. Let freedom ring.

    • We make ourselves so small and diminish our expectations so much that we forget our feelings. At some point I forgot to laugh, get happy, voice my feelings. I could not feel. They wanted to turn us into robots and have fun. No more!

      • I made myself so small, I didn’t even know who I was by the end. The first day I was completely on my own (separated, and it was ex’s parenting time) I sat on my bed and had absolutely no idea what *I* liked to do. Every decision, activity, had been centered on FW for over a decade of my life. I no longer knew what I enjoyed, how I liked to spend my time, what I liked to read or watch or wear or eat. I had to go all the way back to my teenage self. I remembered some books I had gotten out of the library repeatedly. I said to myself “I remember liking THAT”. I went online and ordered them. That was the first step in rebuilding my identity, which he stole from me via insults and humiliation and sheer force of personality to get me to stop doing what I liked and do what he liked.

        I had completely forgotten what happiness felt like. I lived in constant fear of his mood swings and temper. I wasn’t allowed to be happy if he wasn’t happy. And he was so often miserable. Then after OW came into the picture, I was crying from the betrayal and loss. I fell into a dark depression because his gaslighting and denial left me feeling like I was going insane.

        Four years after D-day, I found myself standing in the sunshine and smiling for no reason at all, except that life was good and I felt good and it was a beautiful day. Some days I just want to dance. I finally have freedom and peace and REAL happiness.

  • I like to spend Fourth of July in my hometown of Boston but the pandemic has me and my daughter home in California today. We went to Target. We watched The Patriot. We have colonial fife and drum music playing in the car. We went to Starbucks for egg bites. The house is a mess. We skipped the parade downtown (there is literally never a single historical reference in the entire parade and whenever I attend in my Continental army uniform people keep asking me if I am a pirate). We are relaxed and enjoying the day. No one crabbing and complaining. No Scrooge McKilljoy harshing the mood with his endless negativity. I had no idea how restrictive and controlling he was until he was gone.
    (While he was micromanaging us, he was doing whatever the F he wanted with whomever he wanted, by the way……)

    I am thoroughly enjoying my independence, even though it was very very painful how I got here and I am still
    in a lot of pain.

    One woman’s trash is now an OW’s problem, and it sure does feel good to have someone take out the trash.

  • Someone told me that he was THE tumor and I had to just cut it out. Just a few months after I was diagnosed, he decided to lie, manipulate, disrespect, leave me in the house crying my eyes out for months, then gave me just enough kibbles and false hopes to keep me stagnant. He was so kind to everyone else! Could not kill a small fly or spider because they were so vulnerable!
    I learned that I was NED (no evidence of disease) several months after I separated from him. Now I am getting divorced.
    I was the love of his life, he had never met anyone like me (his own words) but it was so easy to dispose everything we had. These people cannot be mentally stable.
    I hear that he is an alcoholic now and is totally depressed.
    I now know I had full power and right to be independent from him from the very start, but I was so afraid. I couln’t have bern more wrong, we are all mighty!

    • NotFromVenus you are definitely mighty! You’re right about these disordered f/wits being unstable

      Chump lady is right when she says ‘an empty elevator shaft where their soul should be’

      These stories and my own experience still shock me to the core and the complete, cold shut down we experienced from heartless morons

      Congratulations on being NED and for your strong fight for independence

      • Byebyefw, thank you! I was melting with sadness as a result of his cruelty, and dealing with my diagnosis at the same time, while he was looking at me with empty eyes. No emotion whatsoever for someone whom he spent years, and claimed to love more than anyone. Yes, an empty elevator shaft indeed.

  • Hi fellow chumps, I’m sitting here in a beautiful wooded setting in the Champagne region of France with my two bored teenagers enjoying a two week well-earned vacation. I have been divorced from a fuckwit now for 5 years. If it weren’t for Chumplady’s sage advice, I wouldn’t have made it.

    And yet, even though I’ve come so far, I still remember what was done to me. So in quiet times like this, my mind will wander, still craving some form of accountability (revenge?).

    When the fuckwit moved out of our home, he moved into his parents’ basement and never left. We share 50/50 custody, so every other week, the kids live in the basement with him. His parents are actually raising them for him, so he is free to live his ‘authentic’ life.

    His parents are pillars of the Church; his father was a chaplain in the Navy and his mother was raised Brethren. I learned by accident a few years ago that his father solicits sex from (male) strangers on Craigslist. I also learned by accident that my ex published a fantasy, online, of himself kidnapping, torturing, and murdering his ex, just 6 months after I threw him out.

    My parallel parenting skills are on point. I go days and weeks sometimes without communicating with my ex, thinking about this fucked up situation, or wondering what’s going on with my kids over at their house. After spending 2 years and $40k on lawyers trying to change the custody agreement, I had to accept that I am powerless over this. “Come to me when the kids have cigarette burns on their arms,” I am told, and “even then…we’ll see.”

    On days like today, when I should be reveling in my new life, I feel like I have failed for letting these thoughts in. I should be impenetrably meh by now, right?

    But to be fair, the abuse hasn’t ended, I still have to erect strong walls to protect us. In the middle of COVID, my ex-in-laws threatened foreclosure on our marital home and sued me for $150k. Just a few weeks ago, they waited until I was out of the country to baptize my kids in their church, without my knowledge. I got wind of it and was able to watch the whole thing online: My 13-yr old daughter being baptized by her grandfather, the Craigslist cheater.

    I do not feel meh about this. I want to send the evidence I have on him and his son to their church, to their extended family, to their long-time church friends. I want to stop holding this evidence in my possession, hoping for some judgment day in court that will never come. I want to warn my kids that the carefully crafted narrative they have been written into is all a lie, and they are being used as much as I was, to reinforce that facade.

    Instead, I am writing this letter to the Chump-iverse, so hopefully, I can put my head on straight, rouse my kids from their Internet stupor, and make them take a walk with me in the sun.

  • I revisited an earlier post and then decided to follow a link.

    Go here, read the blurb and hear how this grown woman, a writer, decided she couldn’t POSSIBLY “use her words” to tell her husband what she needed in her marriage and that some of it was distance from his family & friends/room for hers. No. She was JUSTIFIED.

    Dolt.

    https://www.smirk-book.com/p/the-perfect-little-brooklyn-life-212#details

    I wish her very private ex-husband were here to write her Fuckwit obituary.

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