I DO NOT KNOW, CN.
Is it the charming way he blames his ex-wife for his addiction?
Or his enormous phoenix rising back tattoo? (He’s the phoenix, get it? Rising from the ashes of all the cruel, cruel forces that made him a fuckwit.)
Is it his sneery, perpetual look of boredom? Even while fondling J.Lo’s bottom?
Explain this to me.
Perhaps Ben Affleck has gotten a character transplant. Given all the things you can manufacture, inject, and implant into celebrities, it’s entirely possible. Maybe he’s had ethics injections. Integrity veneers. A personal trainer for apologies.
What does she see in him?
Isn’t this the guy who cheated on her the last time they were engaged 20 years ago? Allegedly, he went to a strip club and sampled the merchandise. Affleck denied cheating and threatened to sue the National Inquirer, but then didn’t. Drama, drama, drama… J.Lo calls off a scheduled wedding for 400 guests.
They blame the press for
Ben’s wandering dick the dissolution of their relationship.
J.Lo, that’s like me blaming Match.com for my ex-husband’s dating profiles. But whatever, it’s 20 years later, Ben Affleck has changed!
Since their ill-fated engagement, Ben married another Jennifer, had three kids, fucked the nanny — excuse me, dated the nanny while separated — did rehab, lost his fine-motor skills with Dunkin Donuts, and then went on the Howard Stern show to share how he was the real victim in his marriage to Jennifer 2.0.
I think I see a unicorn.
J.Lo, you’re worthy now. Okay, so he threw away what you had for a strip bar hostess, but since then you’ve built an entire multimedia empire. When Ben gets that far away look while caressing your ass, remind him, “This is a $400 million ass. You will NEVER find ass this good.”
And he’ll believe you, because he’s a changed man with $15 million worth of cosmetic character surgery. He had a douche tuck. No one can see his unsightly moral blemishes.
He only sucked for Jennifer Garner, the lesser Jennifer. He only vomits in her car. Cheats with her nanny. It will be different with you. Different than 20 years ago. Different!
Best of luck. Mazel tov.