Today’s it’s Tuesday on a Wednesday. (Tuesday: the day the pain stops.) I got a really nice update from Gay and Monogamous, whose ex’s self-serving faux apology was fed to the UBT a few years ago.
You impacted my life at quite a vital choice point, so, while it may seem odd, I guess I just wanted to update you with what’s happened in the years since!
After I wrote you and you helped me leave my ex-, I was able to earn the scores necessary to enter medical school. I then graduated from medical school and matched into my top choice residency program in a dream city. I am now finished with my first year of training and received “Exceeding Expectations” on my first official review by the program. These are all things that I imagine I would have been too distracted/depressed/anxious to accomplish had I stayed with my ex. I also reached “meh” about my ex, especially on Tuesdays.
Oh, and did I mention I’m very popular on the dating apps? I have TOO many choices now!
Gay and Monogamous
We LOVE our leave-a-cheater-gain-a-life updates here. Yay! I’m sure you’re beating them off with sticks, GAM. Congrats on all your well-earned success.
And to remind everyone how things can change a few years on, here’s the old letter going down the UBT gullet:
Dear Chump Lady,
Long-time reader, first-time UBT submitter. I’m a gay man and was with my ex-boyfriend for about 7 years. I need some UBT help on a handwritten letter I got from him after official no-contact for a month and some change. I still love him and am weak in the knees after getting a card like this. Now I know this might be a tall order, but if there is anything that stands out as legit and not bullshit, please let me know.
A little background…
Ex cheated on me twice in the first couple years of our relationship and told me about it in the third year voluntarily, but claimed he was polyamorous and seeing other people was a part of his sexual identity. I accepted this and laid some rules out that would help me feel comfortable/build trust, even though I was still very hurt. On his first date with someone else thereafter he didn’t follow the rules — not sure why he admitted that he violated the rules instead of lying?
Anyway, I didn’t break up with him, he followed the rules thereafter (presumably), and then I, myself, tried fooling around with other people. That didn’t go over so well with him and he said we should go on a “break.” I begged him not to do so and stopped seeing other people because I didn’t want him to feel uncomfortable, though he continued to see others despite my reservations.
Fast forward to this past year when I said I didn’t want him seeing other people anymore and we needed to go to couple’s therapy. He had also tried breaking up with me a couple times because I was withdrawing my affection, but I begged him to stick it out with me. At the start of the very first session I explained that much of my withdrawal of affection was because I couldn’t trust him, didn’t feel like an equal partner, etc. LO AND BEHOLD! A month and some change into therapy I saw a text message on his phone (just on the lock screen, I wasn’t snooping!) from a guy. I confronted him and he said that they had met through Grindr and had had sex at least a couple times. (Apparently this guy knew that I was in the dark about the affair and was totally cool with it! Stay classy, Grindr.) I cried until I lost my voice and terminated our relationship, though we stayed in contact for months. I said to my ex that we should decrease the frequency of our talking and he agreed, but then berated me shortly thereafter because he felt I was “using” him. I also said that he needed to go to individual therapy and he found that an unreasonable request. Eventually I said enough is enough and initiated no-contact.
Here’s his letter…
I guess by now you’ve completed [your entrance exam for graduate school] and what an accomplishment that is! Well, I guess I was nothing more than a deterrent to you, and I vow to never be that again. I’ve been doing so much thinking about myself and about us, and I feel so horrible about how I’ve treated you; on so many different occasions I was completely selfish, recalcitrant and worst of all deceitful. I’ve spent the whole winter thinking about this. Can you find some place in your heart to forgive me? I know it’s hard to see since we live so far apart, but I really have made lasting changes and I really am genuinely remorseful for my numerous indiscretions. I want you to think of my positive attributes, all the times I really was there for you and the ways that I’ve forgiven you for some of your wrongdoings. We’ve taught each other a lot and we’ve grown together in so many ways. I know I haven’t shown you the respect you deserve and I’m so sorry that I couldn’t see sooner how important you are to me. But I see it now even if it’s too late. I wish I could go back in time but I can’t. All I can do is move forward with honesty and faith, two things I couldn’t allow myself to give before now. Please don’t give up on me. I promise to be faithful and true. It’s what I ((with “I” heavily underlined)) want. I never want to lie again and I’m so ashamed of myself. I don’t ever want to make you cry again; I want a happy future together. I know we can have that, if you can find some place in your heart to forgive me.
Sing me my song, Chump Lady.
Gay and Monogamous
I’m sorry, GAM. I don’t see anything in that letter that isn’t bullshit. I know your chumpy heart swells to hear “I don’t ever want to make you cry again,” but guys like this LIVE to make you cry again. And again. And again. And hey, back that kibble tanker truck up and dump the gallons of tears here.
He’s not a changed man. Besides, isn’t being a deceitful fuckwit part of his “orientation”? Can’t pray the stray away, you know.
He shouldn’t have to hide his true nature. He should be out and open as a deceitful fuckwit. (So we can throw rotten vegetables at the Fuckwit Pride parades.)
Oh right, but if he was out and open as a deceitful fuckwit, loving chumps would stop being of use to him. So he sends his “regrets.”
Let’s feed his hand-written apology through the Universal Bullshit Translator.
I guess by now you’ve completed [your entrance exam for graduate school] and what an accomplishment that is!
Pat, pat, pat!
Well, I guess I was nothing more than a deterrent to you, and I vow to never be that again. I’ve been doing so much thinking about myself
(The UBT can smell the Change from over here.)
I always think of myself! I vow to never deter myself from thinking about myself again!
and about us,
By which I mean “me.”
and I feel so horrible about how I’ve treated you; on so many different occasions I was completely selfish, recalcitrant and worst of all deceitful. I’ve spent the whole winter thinking about this.
I cheated on you for seven years. And every time I felt so gosh darn horrible about it, I created another Grindr profile. Selfish, recalcitrant, and deceitful works for me.
I’ve spent the whole winter wondering how to better to batter-ram your boundaries and respect your no contact. Oh hey, I know! A hand-written apology!
It’s like a chump decoy! Now, if I can just find my chump whistle to mimic the chump mating call. “I never want to make you cry again! HA-LOooooOOOO!”
What’s that rustling through the underbrush? A chump! Approach the chump lick! It’s made of salty, dried tears.
Can you find some place in your heart to forgive me?
The proper reply for GAM is “Oh yeah, it’s right there in my pocket next to, ‘Go to therapy’ and ‘Quit cheating on me.'”
I know it’s hard to see since we live so far apart,
I can’t show you any sorry, (how convenient!) but I’ve got plenty of pretty bullshit.
but I really have made lasting changes
A whole MONTH! Seven years of serial cheating and a “polyamorous orientation” POOF! Watch it LAST! I feel week 5 coming on.
and I really am genuinely remorseful for my numerous indiscretions. I want you to think of my positive attributes, all the times I really was there for you and the ways that I’ve forgiven you for some of your wrongdoings.
Let me demonstrate my genuine remorse by making false equivalencies.
That time I said “Let’s have an open relationship”? And then you went and actually HAD one? With someone ELSE? That kind of level playing field was really unforgivable. But I forgave! #biggerperson
We’ve taught each other a lot and we’ve grown together in so many ways. I know I haven’t shown you the respect you deserve and I’m so sorry that I couldn’t see sooner how important you are to me.
It took seven years of serial cheating, risking your health with Grindr hook-ups, disrespect, mindfuckery, and one pointless, sullen couple’s therapy session for me to realize how important
your kibbles you are to me.
This is the kind of solid foundation every healthy person aspires to!
But I see it now even if it’s too late. I wish I could go back in time but I can’t.
And isn’t saying “I wish I could go back in time” what really matters, versus good character and all that shit?
All I can do is move forward with honesty and faith, two things I couldn’t allow myself to give before now.
I couldn’t allow myself honesty and faith before. I keep them locked in a steamer trunk in the bottom of my fetid consciousness, bound and gagged. Whenever I let Honesty free, she says crap like “PROUD TO BE A DECEITFUL FUCKWIT!” Back in the box, Honesty.
Please don’t give up on me.
It’s hard to find replacement chumps. Fuck buddies? Sure. Invested, loving people who’ll agree to all my lop-sided terms of engagement for the occasional starvation kibble ration? Not so easy.
I promise to be faithful and true.
It’s what I ((with “I” heavily underlined)) want.
Fuck what you want. (Back in the BOX, Honesty!)
I never want to lie again and I’m so ashamed of myself.
Like I DO shame! Really, if I had any shame, do you think I’d send you this shit?
I don’t ever want to make you cry again; I want a happy future together.
I want a happy future of making you cry again. #kibbles #centrality #awesomeness
I know we can have that, if you can find some place in your heart to forgive me.
By “forgive me” I mean take me back with zero conditions, zero demonstrations of remorse, and allowing me to blameshift my shitty actions on to you.
GAM, Tell him no. Find it in your heart to forgive yourself for wasting seven years on a fuckwit.