UBT: ‘Please Send Me the Money’
Hi Chump Lady!
I love the UBT. I thought it could use a snack. I received this text from Schmoopie. Backstory: she was the OW he left to be with, 20 years younger, and she calls FW “Daddy” while our kids are not allowed to. Separated 5 years, finally divorced this year.
FW does not communicate with me (yay!) so he gets Schmoopie to do his dirty work. Grandma is my former MIL. FW gave her an ultimatum to pick between us. She said “no” and I have a great relationship with her to this day. She has been sending me money for the kids’ gifts for years as they live with me. (I got full custody.) FW and Schmoopie had a birthday party for youngest this weekend and invited Grandma.
They don’t allow our 16-year-old to bring anything home from their house, even things that are bought with allowance from them must stay there. They have clothes that are only worn at their home. Child changes when arriving, they wash the clothes and return in home clothes. (20-year-old has chosen not to have a relationship with dear old Dad).
PS: FW is marrying her in 2 weeks and they are expecting a baby.
I hope the UBT can enjoy.
Suddenly Single and Thriving
Hi (Suddenly) sorry to bother you. FW just found out that (youngest child’s) gift from her grandmother was sent to you when that was not supposed to be the case. We had the party here and all gifts given at the party were to be enjoyed here. If you have already given the money to her, if you can please make sure she does not spend it and brings it with her when she visits next.
If you have not had the chance to give it to her, can you please forward it to me, as the email for FW is not attached to any accounts.
***
Dear SSaT,
Wow. Schmoopie wants to micromanage a teenager’s birthday gift? The Universal Bullshit Translator is here to serve.
Hi (Suddenly) sorry to bother you.
Hi Suddenly. Don’t mind my intrusion. As a woman who cheated with your husband and got pregnant while your divorce dragged on, I would never want to cause offense. Just one small matter…
FW just found out that (youngest child’s) gift from her grandmother was sent to you when that was not supposed to be the case.
FW just found out his mother prefers communicating directly with the custodial parent of her grandchildren. Clearly there must be some mistake.
This addled old bat sent money to her granddaughter at that child’s address. Perhaps it’s time for a dementia check.
We had the party here and all gifts given at the party were to be enjoyed here.
We had a party. You were not invited.
All the gifts are to be enjoyed HERE. Not with you. I specifically told FW, everything stays within a 100-foot perimeter. Which I have cordoned off with party ribbons and trip wire.
Nothing may leave the perimeter. Guests, gifts, FW’s wandering dick. It’s all mine. Do you hear me? MINE.
If you have already given the money to her,
Gifts are supposed to be surprises, but I KNOW IT’S MONEY.
I have my ways, Suddenly.
if you can please make sure she does not spend it and brings it with her when she visits next.
DO NOT SPEND THE MONEY. Bring it here. Drop it off in small, unmarked bills.
If you have not had the chance to give it to her, can you please forward it to me,
In a time of technology, where teenagers deposit funds faster than you can say “Venmo!” I would like to make the quaint request that you forward all monies to me.
You can trust me. As the woman who cheated with your husband, I am beyond reproach.
as the email for FW is not attached to any accounts
FW is not allowed his own money. Or email. There is just the 100-foot radius, or ZAP.
****
SSaT, I would respond to this request with crickets.
And I hope you and your daughter enjoyed a grand day out with grandma spending her birthday gift.
I don’t know which is worse; schmoopie’s delusional overreach of control or the fact that the ex asshat chose this prize as his baby container. Yeah, that’s gonna last.
I’ve heard some whoppers on this site, but forcing his children to change clothes before going home to Mom? What a tight-fisted, bitter old fuck. He’ll be alone in the nursing home wondering why his kids hate him.
I just just laughed so hard at baby container!
I laughed too! I think I’ll co-op that usage to OW is now his jizz container. Now that puts things in a different perspective for me! ????
I found this little bit of information reeeeeeealy interesting: “[Schmoopie] calls FW “Daddy” while our kids are not allowed to.” It’s a gross understatement to say that’s twisted. If she calls FW “Daddy”, does that mean the new kid is …. going to call him “Grandpa”? Probably not, but still… yeesh. I couldn’t let that tidbit that SSAT shared go unacknowledged. Yet another dimension to the whole idea of “baby container”.
Yeah. That’s all weird.
OW is freaking weird.
Give her zero kibbles. To do so would be acknowledging her “authority” in the relationship… as if she matters.
In fact, I’d forward that lil’ note to FW…. Just to make sure he’s aware what his little princess is up to. No commentary, nothing added. Just forward to him, your attorney, his attorney and maybe his momma on a blind CC. No need for her to think you’ll keep her confidence.
I’d be really tempted to send that delusional twunt a link to this UBT post as well. ????????????.
No, ‘crickets’ are best, that will annoy the cow much more anyway!
As CL so often says, no point in trying to speak truth to stupid. ????????
Definitely got lost in the mail – straight to jail, do not pass go. Do not collect $200.
Delusional Cow.
Block her. No response is a response. She doesn’t get to control you.
I am blessed that 10 years in Miss Piggy still hates me and that she would rather die than communicate with me.
I’ve heard so many stories that during affairs, side pieces seem to have an unstoppable compulsion to pee in the four corners of chumps’ existences while chumps often become completely avoidant after D-Day of anything Schmoopies might have breathed on or touched. But for a certain breed of Schmoopie, it’s all about territorial encroachment, getting all over the marital house, bed, cars, etc. If it’s the park where chump strolled with baby buggies or played with toddlers, Schmoopies want to hike there. If the chump nursed infants in a certain lounger, Schmoopies want to bonk on it. Is it sacred and symbolic? Then they must decorate it with sticky fingerprints and crusty thongs! So now I’m wondering if that reverses when Schmoops win the big pickme death match: do Schmoopies suddenly project the pathological encroachment drive onto chumps and don’t want anything chumps touched or looked at within the sacred perimeter? Hilarious.
That’s gross, but I don’t doubt it. One thing I had was my husband and I bought a beautiful signed and limited edition print that we loved. We bought it together after months of lovingly looking at art and sharing our interest in pop-surrealism. We were so proud of that print! It was wonderful and I spent a fortune having it framed. It always had pride of place in our home. Fast forward to DDay, FW said he had to have the print. I said yes because I didn’t want it- it felt too special and he’d ruined the magic of it. We’ll later on he let slip that Schmoops liked it too. It wasn’t about a year later that it dawned on me it meant she’d been in our house.
Yikes. I’ve heard of mate-copying but these ciphers seem to copy everything. With no character as armature to develop a personality, I imagine some people have to shop for personality traits, tastes, opinions, etc and those traits will change according to whomever they’re plying at the moment. Schmoopie in my situation was like a droning, monotone, expressionless cartoon. The PI I hired did some risk assessment and background checks on Schmoopie and her family and sent me some corporate videos that creeped me out. I don’t know if she was doing too much botox or just had the: “flat affect” and monotone voice of a psychopath but she reminded me of the SNL skit “Los Angeles Face” (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dRNk9c5JmFE ). Someone who’s a tabula rasa likely has an easier time mirroring.
yup. They sleep in the bed I nursed my babes.
I could never pry that out of FW even during his confession-vomiting phase during the ill-advised RIC spree. I still don’t know whether Beefy the Danger Pig (daughter’s name for Schmoopie) was in our house or not. I could totally see FW admitting to everything else but not wanting our kids to know he fucked a bar fly on their toy box or something. Now gray rock forbids I ask crap like that so I may never know.
But I do know she wanted in. Apparently she repeatedly wheedled and pressured to get into the house, even offering to clean the place (pickme dance-off. Idiot). This was reportedly when I was out of town with all the kids to get medical treatment for my middle child so… did it happen or not? Just HOW disgusting were they beyond the ways in which we already know they were disgusting? Just in case, I had the bed thrown out, had a professional crew sterilize the place from top to bottom and during his own pickme dance, FW offered to smudge the entire town, our street and our house just because she’d allegedly driven past.
Still the mystery endures. I am missing two pairs of heirloom earrings and Schmoops did make a crack to some frenemy (who repeated it so that I caught wind) that the house “did not reflect FWs taste.” But she could have meant the exterior when she did one of her stalky drive-bys. I’m betting she wouldn’t like the inside because there are no recognizable mall brands in sight, no ticky-tacky butterfly knick knacks and it doesn’t look like a 1980s Vegas sushi bar. And sure, the outside is ugly but that’s because FW future-faked home repairs and spent the money on booze and twat.
Skein, skein, skein, skein. I’m less and less traumatized by this thought of that creature in the house I raised my children in but I’m still curious about why Schmoopies feel compelled to encroach to this degree. It’s just weird science. When she was dumped after D-Day, she ended up trying to style her hair like mine and dress like me for a while which was SWF enough. I’m sure if she’d ended up with FW, she would have me wrapped in barb wire because, lol, no one is more paranoid about being duped and encroached on than creeps who get a rush from duping and encroaching on others.
Beefy the Danger Pig.
Priceless.
“No response is a response”
That’s the total answer right here.
Or “sorry, already deposited into child’s savings account”
This is one of the few times you can sit back and just chuckle at another persons stupidity. The best way to get under the skin of a micromanager is to do nothing! It drives them crazy. As if so close to delivery she needs anything to set her off.
Good news is that once “her” baby arrives, yours will immediately take a back seat and this idiot won’t have the time or energy anymore.
Hopefully your 16 year old is on countdown towards following the 20 year old.
I can’t even imagine how shitty she treats her mother in law.
MsIL do not like to be treated like shit, they are human too.
Yeah, I’d love to see the nastygram she sent grandma over this.
The Disordered and their money…my mother – whose dementia is so advanced she has no orientation to person. place or time whatsoever – will perk up at any talk of money. The pathology that keeps on giving.
I dont presume to know much about dementia… for me n=1.
Her dementia has actually had phases that influenced her behavior.
For a while she hated me and knew why then she forgot why she hated me (that stage was scary) then she forgot that she hated me.
For a time she used crazy means to get alcohol then eventually forgot to acquire booze.
The last lingering concepts she speaks on are that she has “worked very hard, all day” (she was only of the laziest people I ever met) and that she wanted money and riches and was jealous of anyone who had more than her.
I imagine there are various manifestations of this condition that affect different people differently
Those of us who are caring for someone with dementia see the person who has been inside the person we thought we knew, someone with no boundaries, no empathy, someone who can say hurtful things and then tell us we misunderstood them. It is awful. I never knew my mother was such a racist, so vain, such a flatterer, or so obsessed with weight. I wish I never knew these things. Mine has no concept of time or money, or the difference between a want and a need. I would not wish this experience on anyone.
She is not that person. I owned home for elderly with dementia. It’s like having Tourette’s syndrome. They may hit, kick, spit, cuss. Be racist, raging narcissist or super kind, loving, tearful children. They is often extra fluid on the brain replacing the space from shrinkage Due to dementia. While sitting in front room they would discuss the size of the delivery man’s “package “ . In detail about shape , size and if he knew how to use it. To the guys utter embarrassment. These ladies were in their 90s! They rarely if ever had any conversation with each other. They were hyper sexualized. It was the fluid, the deteriorating brain, not their real selves. I had two who called everyone the N word. Me especially. I make snow look dark. So Portia, take heart I promise you, that’s not her real self
Portia my heart breaks for you. I worked for a while (as an art therapist) in aged care and learnt quite bit through both study and real experience with many different individuals. (In the end I chose to pursue other work bc I found dementia just too distressing. Death, not so much).
Please don’t think that this version of you mother is at all genuine or somehow a “hidden” part of the wonderful woman you loved. Dementia is a neurological, not a psychological disease. When I studied we learnt about “tombstone cells” and “ghost tangles”. Part of her brain have died and it isNOT working properly. That is what causes her behaviour. Not any underlying bigotry or meanness. Speak to dementia experts or do your own research.
It’s really really sad and hard but please know that this person just holds some fragments of the mother you knew and loved. Strength to you.
Hi Portia:
My father died of Alzheimer’s and I know what you are talking about to all of a sudden see pettiness and greed where once there was only magnanimity and generousness. But I felt grateful to see it, because my father in his right mind, was so much better than that. He chose generosity and kindness. I got to see both who my father could have been and who he allowed himself to be. To me it was one of the very few gifts of Alzheimer’s.
The reality is that we all have selfish spiteful voices inside us, and not to detract from the more angelic voices that are also inside us. When we are in our right minds we get to pick. Your mother is who you always thought she was, only better, because now you can see what she could have been. Hugs and best wishes to you for where you are right now: it is one of life’s most difficult journeys.
Daughter – What insight! You sound like a sage. Thanks for sharing.
No, dementia doesn’t reveal the true self. I suffered serious cognitive issues. That was not the real me. It was like being locked in a prison and terrified all the time. People are not themselves in torturous situations. I’m so sorry you are struggling but please speak with her doctors. Dementia destroys the true self, it does not reveal it. Don’t let this destroy who you knew your mother to be.
My mother was a smoker from her teens to the moment she went into memory care. I asked a biologist friend and he said, “The dementia hit the addiction center.” It’s always way hard to know how dementia or Alzheimer’s or CTE will impact the brain, where the degeneration will hit next. Memories, judgment, language, emotional control. All up for grabs.
I’m sorry you are experiencing a parent with dementia, that is so hard. I experienced something similar – though I don’t think that someone in the throws of a degenerative brain illness is revealing their ‘true’ self. More likely, they no longer have the social filters or self control to keep intrusive thoughts inside. Dementia can erode parts of the brain responsible for empathy, rendering a truly empathetic person cruel. It is an awful disease.
I hope you are right about that. However, it does not offset the power of hateful words and actions that come out of the person with dementia. I did not grow up in a home where my parents openly expressed hatred of others due to their race or weight, or how they fixed their hair. However, there were undercurrents I was aware of, which I wrote off to their FOO upbringing. They were teachers, so to keep their jobs, they had to control what they said. What I wonder is was the deep prejudice always there, and I just did not see it as a child? Social filters prohibit me from saying things I think, because I know that words can be misinterpreted, even if they are meant as humor. As an example, a Jewish comic can mimic his or her relatives, and tell jokes. If I said any of those things, it would be inappropriate. I can laugh at the comic, however. That is still socially acceptable. Same way with black comedians. I come from hillbilly stock — I can make jokes about my culture. I don’t like it when people from other parts of the country act like my family has no worth or intelligence.
I hope I am being clear. It hurts me to hear this stuff come out of my mother. I have loved her and respected her all her life. She was a strong woman who took care of me and my children. I am taking care of her now. But it feels like I am living with a stranger. One who has habits and opinions I despise.
Living with someone with dementia can be one of the most stressful things you will EVER do. Even if they don’t say and do inappropriate things.
But many people with dementia say and do things that are truly shocking. Unless that person behaved that way prior to dementia, it is definitely not the case that this was the real person all along!
Sometimes it helps to picture a “dementia monster” (such as a nasty beast with fangs and green skin and wild eyes) inside your loved one’s brain. Because in fact, their brain has been hijacked. The mean, insensitive, and racist words that come out can be thought of as directed by the dementia monster using the person’s mouth to spew out those awful words, with your loved one having lost control over their words.
If someone has ever heard a certain word, even if they never spoke it before, it can be pushed out of the mouth of a dementia patient by the ugly plaques, tangles, prions, Lewy bodies, etc. that have taken over their brain.
The filters and inhibitions that one acquires as an adult have been destroyed. There may be some vestiges of the person still there – the old personality may have moments of re-emergence – but think of that as the dementia monster taking a nap. The monster is STILL in there. It is tragic.
Please don’t think of those awful words as showing her “true self.” The monster inside is responsible, not her.
Yes, thank you, Portia.
My mother has dementia too and has become obsessed with money!
My aunt wasn’t disordered, just way eccentric, but she came out of a semi-coma to tell my father “I have money you don’t know about.” That’s the last thing she said to him, and maybe the last thing she said, period.
I honestly think dementia just does to people. My grandmother was one of the nicest, most generous people I ever knew. She never had much money and it wasn’t important to her. But near the end, she became obsessed with thinking people were stealing from her and punched her roommate over it. Maybe it’s because money can feel like security and one wants security when losing their mind. Her doctors said it’s very common.
I used to visit my uncle in a nursing home, and this adorable little old lady had the chair next to him in the sunroom. The stuff she used to qccuse me of was just madness. I didn’t know this woman. Never met any of her family in the 7 years I was visiting. But I was a prostitute and a thief. And other names which made me wonder where a sweet 90+ year old lady even heard them. I should have framed a picture of FW and told her she was the prostitute and thief.
“Nothing may leave the perimeter. Guests, gifts, FW’s wandering dick. It’s all mine.”
So funny and so true. CL, you have a gift. Way to see right through to OW’s massive insecurity and the truth about what it really means to “win” the pick me dance. Bravo.
OW attempting to control things is so laughable. She has tied herself to a cheating FW … she’s now pregnant (nothing takes away the sexy fun of cheating like being pregnant and dealing with a new born)… they still aren’t married (imagine the anxiety she’s having with the wedding in 2 weeks and pregnant!?) … and MIL loves Suddenly Single and Thriving best?
OMG — this is precious karma. Thank you SSaT! OW showed her hand. She’s a hot mess.
And yes, definitely don’t respond at all. It’ll make her even more frustrated lol
I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if the pregnancy wasn’t her way of getting him to get on with the divorce and getting him to finally put a ring on it. Once she has gotten her way, what’s her next goal going to be?
First of all,
Forcing a 16 year old to change out of/into clothes is child abuse. No shocker that 20 wants nothing to do with this shit show. My daughters are 19 & 16. Would AP force a boy child to do same? That’s some coercive control she has over your daughter. FW’s balls are firmly planted in her purse! I would call social services on that B****. Teenagers deserve respect too. AP’s controlling ways are beyond Effed up!
As for her pathetic attempts to get you to wire her the $, she can F wayyy offf. CL’s advice for crickets is spot on.
So glad MIL has a heart and a brain and is with you and your kids.
My XW made my 15-yo son to shower when he arrived at her house, because “you smell like your father’s house”. My house has a normal smell, btw: a little lemony from cleaning products, and I very occasionally burn piñon incense. No pets or old carpets. No mold. It must have made an impression on him because normally he tells me nothing about XW’s household (because I don’t want to know), but he dropped this nugget on purpose.
She also refuses to let the kids bring “her shoes” to my house, so they often come over barefoot.
My ex wife would make my kids get rid of anything from my side of the family plus get rid of all pictures of me. I had to have the kids change back into their clothes because I didn’t want my ex to throw them out. Even my daughter who is 19 keeps all gifts here or is given gift cards/cash to buy her own gifts. It’s very sad.
Sirchumpalot, I have the same issue! My daughter who is only 7 knows that anything I give her will get ‘lost’ at my ex wife’s, so she keeps everything at my place, (her idea) the same with clothes, it’s just terribly sad that a 7 year old has to put up with that kind of stress
Get the kids those shower sandals to put in their bags. They can slip them on as they exit her majesty’s house.
Cheaters have no self-control. Even if I thought to myself ‘my child smells of his father’s house’, whatever that means, I would not say what I thought to my child or insist he took a shower. I would be able to be adult about it and put my feelings gently to one side so that I did not hurt my child or his father. And look how the sane parent does just that, asks himself what his house might smell like and questions whether there might be smells! Out of consideration for his child. The more I understand about the make up of cheaters, the more I want nothing to do with them. The sister of one of my closest friends is a cheater. She got pregnant (child is now 32). The man refused to leave his wife who in turn chose to stay with him when she was told about the child. My friend’s sister is a ball of seething resentment with no filter on her mouth in any and every part of her life. It’s what they are; disordered, obnoxious people. Thank goodness I can now smell them approaching and can have a shower after I’ve spent any time with them.
My son used to have to be 6 months with X and 6 months at a time with me. The XAss lives in a moldy pre-fab that he doesn’t clean, is filled with horded crap and it heated by wood stove and a on old fuel oil boiler. When the kid would come home to me he smelled just like that house. I would just ask him if I could wash his jacket, and the rest would eventually get cleaned as it migrated to the laundry room. I’m sure my noticed the difference between his father’s and my place. And I know he appreciates the clean, uncluttered and fresh smelling house he now lives in with me. Though if my love for sage and E. Indian incense – which I try to only burn in my room – bothers him, he hasn’t mentioned it.
My EX lacked the organizational skills to create and maintain a perimeter, his mother, however, was certainly willing to try and do it for him from a 1000 miles away. She would mail the Christmas and birthday gifts for the kids to my house, because she knew her son was incapable of keeping track of them or handing them out at the appropriate holiday (or even pulling them in off the porch when it rained). Then she would send an email telling me they weren’t to be opened at my home but sent with the kids to her son’s home next time he had custody. And, of course, that they were to stay and be used exclusively at his home. I’d send the gifts along with the kids to their father’s house, but the kids then did whatever they wanted with them, and the EX certainly couldn’t be bothered to pay any attention. She probably thought they wrote thank you notes because their father was so thoughtful (despite the return address and postmark), when, of course, I was the one passing out cards and stamps and standing over the kitchen table and insisting on at least three sentences from each kid on each note.
Are you effing kidding me?! You are a far nicer person than I. I’d have sent them back to her and told her to go eff herself, I’m not his damn assistant.
But, I may be burnt out from doing everything involving gifts for 20 years. I did way too much. I should’ve let him look like the asshole he is.
Katie, I hear you on gifts…I was everything from Santa to the tooth fairy to the birthday party planner, and ex just showed up the day before with nothing and then bitched the following month about the Amazon card bill, or why I only work 30 hours a week.
Past Christmas FiL texted me as usual to ask kids’ clothing/shoe sizes even though FW was LIVING WITH the in-laws and saw them every day, and battling me over child support/custody days. I just chuckled to myself and answered him because he’s been very kind to me/kids during the divorce shit show, and is not like Eilonwy’s controlling MiL. Still, I did think of just replying “… Maybe ask their dad?”
Maybe your FW was like mine and has (had, in my case) NO IDEA what size clothes/shoes the child wears. I bought 100% of our kid’s clothes because FW couldn’t be bothered to do anything practical like that.
My FW couldn’t even manage to buy his own clothes, let alone anything for the kids. He didn’t even know his own size. He kept claiming his pants size was 34 for about twenty years, even though he’d gained weight and had been a 38 the whole time. His excuse for not buying clothes was because “they never fit me.” Well no shit, if you’re delusional about your size.
So I had to buy them. Geez, the things we did for our stupid FWs, things that they had no appreciation for.
LOL. When he started a new job, my stbx asked me to buy him clothes because he didn’t know what went with what or how to dress nice. Like the pick-me-dancer I was, I picked out a whole wardrobe for him of mix and match stuff. He very shortly after put on a lot of weight and nothing fit, LOL. Had I known how involved he and OW were, I would have told him to ask HER. YEARS after we split, he still was asking me where I bought his jeans, and without me his socks and underwear were just rags full of holes. Even after I knew about him and OW, one of his socks ended up in the kid’s laundry with a HUGE hole in the heel. I felt like writing to OW and telling her she was falling down on the job of looking after him. HAHA. (I was over him by that point, and just thought it was funny).
Sounds like she’s keeping the kid’s money or the ex thinks his mother’s money should be his to control. Poor mom – they must salivate over his future inheritance. To schmoopie – ‘birthday gifts don’t work like that so, no’. Obviously, the dad thinks that money is his. To which we say go f thyself.
Yeah, I hope the MIL skips a generation in her will, and gives all her money (if she has any remaining–elder care is expensive!) to her grandchildren–minus Schmoopie’s.
Adelante, I completely understand the impulse for the “-minus Schmoopie’s”. However, I hope my filters are in place and do not wish harm to the future spawn. Being borne from a Schmoopie is karma enough for the poor kid. I would not deny the kid a share of Gran’s inheritance (locked until majority of the kid, of course! I try to be kind, but I am not stupid ????)
Maybe schmoopie has been impregnated with another’s sperm?!!
Just a thought ????
I was thinking the same thing! No reply is a reply and it’s a strong one!
Wow, while I know no answer really is the best response, I would be SOOOOOO tempted to tell her to “go fuck yourself, just like you fucked my husband”!
“ … all gifts given at the party were to be enjoyed here.“
Well, the gift wasn’t given at the party, genius. It was given before the party. Might want to get your lame fine-print b.s. in place before you start barking orders.
“ … all gifts given at the party were to be enjoyed here.“
Hard to imagine anything being “enjoyed” at that sh!t show.
I’m blown away by the fact her children can’t call him Dad. And this is normalized how? Grandma needs to be cautious with this territorial control freak. I hope she’s smart enough to exclude daddy and whore from her will.
Me, too. And that Schmoopie calls him “Daddy” while pregnant with his baby (presumably it’s his) is another layer of creep-out.
Well, they’re probably pedophiles. That may be why they’re having a baby. Clearly the term daddy is now so sexual to them that his actual children are not permitted to use it. You see, these pedophiles train themselves to react when they hear the word daddy. They talk in their little groups about getting erections when they hear a child say daddy in public. The women involved in this think it’s hot. They roleplay the rape of children because nothing could be naughtier or sexier in their minds.
My ex and his adult baby girlfriend/daughter are this type of degenerate. And because I don’t think it’s cool, I’m an evil bigoted kink shamer judging them for their totally harmless fantasy of raping children.
This shit is becoming common. There’s a ton of them. They even want to be accepted as a perfectly healthy sexual orientation. MAPs, minor attracted person. It’s horrifying.
What if your kink is actually kink-shaming? Then it would be kink-shaming to shame you for it. 😉
That reminds me of a rad fem group on reddit that tried to claim hating men was their kink to see if they would be discriminated against. Of course they were and they got shut down, but misogynistic kink groups are still allowed, pedophilia kink groups, etc.. I believe one of the groups was literally called misogyny kink at the time. Moderators ignored numerous complaints against such groups and just banned the feminist groups whose members were the source of many of those compliants. That group sure proved the point that reddit is sexist. There were thousands of woman-hating and other depraved pervert groups and there are probably even more now, but a single group of man-haters was too much for male fragility to handle.
Lol Hell of a Chump…
For sure, my kink is shaming the shit out of people who get off on illegal & abusive dynamics.
KatiePig, I’m so sad you have to be exposed to these sickos ????
I know, right ? ????????
She calls him “Daddy” but the his kids aren’t allowed to? Ewwwwwwww
I’m afraid that FW and Schmoopie are doing a very good job of ensuring that the 16 year old drops them like a hot sht-covered rock as soon as they are legally allowed to do so ….. that is some seriously fcked up control freakery right there.
And they’ll still blame the OP, because that’s what Cheaters do.
LFTT
The AP has bought into the illusion of power. Covert narcissists are passive aggressive cowards. The chump has no contact with her X. He uses AP to do his dirty work to gain attention, create chaos and to keep her off center. She’s doomed.
DM,
I suspect that the OW/AP actually doesn’t trust the husband to speak to the OP – I guess that she sees OP as a threat to her new found happiness – and so “manages communications” with OP on his behalf so that she, and she alone, can control the narrative coming out of crazy town.
It’s funny how this control freakery about communications plays out. Ex-Mrs LFTT forbade her family from talking to me, and tried to insist that any query/question that they had about our children had to be routed through her. Bearing in mind that I have a great relationship with my MIL, BIL and SIL, and that they children live with me, you won’t be surprised to her that the told her to “get lost.”
LFTT
Take it up with Grandma.
Yes, forward the email to grandma. Let her see what OW is up to.
That level of control really takes the cake! (And not just the birthday cake!)
What part of “a gift is a gift to the recipient, who gets to decide exactly what she wants to do with it, and with whom, as well as where she wants to take it.”
the ow is a control freak, so is u fw. u cant have exs email, u kids, cant were clothes from u house around their house. she wants u daughter birthday money, ill be suspecting she will spend it on herself. u daughter is a teenager she doesnt have to give the ow the money. i bet the ow thinks u want the fw back, ill be telling the ow to fuck off myself
Would not reply to that. But I would enjoy her realisation that she can’t control you.
The leash is short with FW, what could possibly go wrong ????????????
” all gifts given at the party were to be enjoyed here. If you have already given the money to her, if you can please make sure she does not spend it and brings it with her when she visits next.” How can money be enjoyed or spent at their house? And who does she think she is to tell a 16 year old where to spend her own money? Looks like they have financial problems as well as control issues. I’d make sure that they provide all clothes and items needed for the wedding.
It sounds like inviting the exMIL to the birthday party was new, since this issue did not come up previously. I suspect this may related to the pregnancy, and is a bid to get control of Grandma and her wayward cash that they’ve learned has been going to the kids at their home. Grandma has been a gem, and I hope that doesn’t change with the new grandchild. I also suspect having a birthday party now was an attempt to start corralling the 16-year-old for baby-sitting duty.
Are FW and Schmoopie giving 16YO an allowance, or are they insisting that anything she buys while there must stay there? Either way, a 16-ear-old should be able to take her property with her to her primary residence.
The 20-years-younger OW calls FW “Daddy” and his real children, ages 16 and 20, aren’t allowed to? Will she still get to be the baby when they have a baby? I can see why SSaT got full custody. She and exMIL are the only sane parents here.
Those poor kids! The gift money issue is minor compared to how they must feel like prisoners for having to change clothes upon arrival and departure. FWs cause so much drama and trauma by attempting to force everyone to live in their version of their world. Age 18 can’t come soon enough for the younger kids.
I would laugh and ignore it. But she sounds so desperate to me. Like when people start wanting to control stupid little things because their life feels so out of control and horrible. I was there once. Trying to be super organized and handle everything while my ex was abusing and gaslighting me. Like I could fix it somehow. It’s a horrible place to be. But she chose to be the other woman so this is what she signed up for. Serves her right.
Reminds me when my nieces were little, I and my parents would gift them a little bit of money for their birthdays… until we discovered their “father,” Angry Lazy Blob, would “hold it for safekeeping” and later “used it for gas money.” Then we changed our tactics. My gut is telling me that might be the case here, especially with a baby on the way.
A 16-year-old is darned old enough to decide where their birthday money goes, whether they put it in a college fund, put it towards a car, or blow it all on sodypop and candy. Not the AP. geeeeezzzzz
Gosh, this is so disordered.
I’d make sure that the poor 16 y.o. is in therapy and that you are acknowledging how weird this whole thing is. You don’t have to dwell on that or tell them what to do, but they need to hear that it’s just so very off. Be brief and clear about the truth. It isn’t parental alienation if you are stating the truth in a factual way. The days of lying and covering up are over. They need to work through it themselves while knowing that you are NOT on board. Depending on the legal details, this isn’t going to be long-term, thankfully.
My guess is that once they get married and have the baby, the 16 y.o. will slip away into the background. You need to be prepared for that as well. Love on that poor kid and be the parent who shows up in an authentic, honest way.
A few examples of truth:
It isn’t right that you have to change clothes at Dad’s.
It isn’t right that she isn’t letting you call Dad what you are used to.
Etc.
That’s some deep pathological manifestations on that side of the block.
I truly hope your 16 y/o has the wherewithal to exit that circus as your 20 y/o did, for her own future sanity. That’s not a healthy environment and I agree that it’s a type of abuse to make the kid change clothes that only stay in that house.
It prob will get a whole other level of control freaky sick once the poor innocent babe shows up in that hot mess of a toxic environment.
Your FW will not be able to tolerate not being the center of Schmoopie’s universe any longer and will sneak his dick past the line of demarcation as she’s breast feeding one day.
When she gets wind of that, your daughter will also be in the line of fire from her Ursula the Seawitch wrath, as she is a control freak of the very highest magnitude.
I predict the whole big tent karmatic collapse on those cheaters and you will get your daughter back full time ( yeah!!) with all her clothes, toys, and birthday money from the locked clam shell at the “ don’t call me daddy”’s sinking and crumbling sand castle.
The cricket answer is spot on the right choice and the most clear.
Stay sane and solid over there, once Schmoopie loses her strangle hold on your ex’s dick, she won’t have time to worry about your daughter, she’ll be suing your ex for child support and alimony, as the sand castle she frantically tried to control gets swept into the ocean.
It’s a shame that unborn baby can’t be rescued, but at least you and your children will escape the toxic undertow.
“will sneak his dick past the line of demarcation”
????
I would not respond. Silence is an answer. She can pressure MIL to give her the money, hopefully MIL has caught on. Monetary gifts to children are fine, but the children don’t really understand the conversion into a product or consumable.
I had a friend who learned to keep an entire wardrobe for his daughter at his home, as well as things like toothbrush, hairbrush, etc. He would return daughter with a minimal value outfit on, and sometimes would not even get that back the next time he picked her up. For instance, barefoot instead of flip flops. His ex was an alcoholic, and yet had primary care due to his travel with work. If he sent an overnight case with everything his daughter would use, and good clothes, she might come back to his home in cheap pj’s. He learned to keep an outfit, with shoes, and an overnight in his car. Sometimes he had to stop and let his daughter dress, comb her hair, and brush her teeth. before he could take her to eat. It was a sad situation.
The good news is time will take care of the situation. Teenagers have loud opinions. I heard my sons tell their dad they did not want to be “dropped off” at his home with nothing to eat during his custodial time. If he could not spend time with them, doing something, they did not want to go. He blamed me for this, of course, and told me he had to work, and needed a social life. It never occurred to him to prioritize his time with his sons. FW’s only care about what the situation appears to be.
I don’t think OP’s think about why the spouse was attracted to them in the first place. If spouse ran away from responsibility to have “free” sex and “fun”, the last thing ex-spouse wants is the recreation of the Married with children scenario. The OP may think they can step into your position, but that is exactly what the wandering spouse does not desire.
I do have to reply here too, my ex earns three times what I do as a single mom working part time and to start with I bought clothes to be shared which went back and forth but found that the ex just expected me to furnish the wardrobe, with the items I bought being returned in poor condition and not replaced. Lately I have bought my child new rainboots and they have quickly degenerated, getting wet inside and not being dried and now stink. I also bought house slippers which I passed on during last custodian swap and they have come back stinking off food odor from the boots, as feet were not being cleaned or seen to. This may seem petty but I am keeping some clothing and footwear items at my place, which I do not now send on. They do not immediately need to change when they arrive, but I do make sure that my child is clean and in order and wash them if needed, and for the rest of my visit they wear some of the clothes I keep with me. I return them in the clean clothes that they came in. Ex expected me to handle everything about our day to day existence to the point that all of that just became an invisible expectation, and while I realise that clearer communication is ultimately the best solution, readying the house for sale, the moving out of the marital home (by me, while he sat like a bump on a log and gave no/minimal help with either) and working to bring in money to survive has left me exhausted and in need of distance. I see this more as a boundary for my safety, than a need to control or send a message to him, but I am working to act in my child’s best interests as well and once I am a bit more solvent will revisit this conserving of my resources. (And yes, I don’t want my child to feel like the stinky child, but I can’t keep doling out for new shoes all the time when ex doesn’t rise to the occasion).
That is awful.
I never understood the keeping of clothes and age timed toys away from the child. They grow out of them so fast.
Whenever I bought clothes for my grandchildren I always sent them home, even when I lived near them, sans on outfit in case of a needed change. Same with toys.
I had a box of toys when my grandson was very small and he was spending a lot of time with me, but any toy I got him special went home, he could even take the toy box toys home if he wanted to.
Poor kids having to put up with such nonsense.
Beyond batshit machinations of a control freak. Ignoring this request is the only response. Should she raise it face to face a simple, ‘please do not attempt to exert control on me, it will not end well.’ Would be my reply.
In most places teens can decide whether to spend time with a parent or not. Check with your lawyer. I got full custody and my then 10 yr old could have chosen as a teen to sleep over at dad’s (one of the APs is still there— the young goldigger). AP was so abusive (screaming, verbally attacking my child, falling down drunk) the exactly three times she tried to stay with dad that she vowed to NEVER do so again. All 4 of my kids (17-30) have vowed they will never allow her to join any gathering. XH tells them AP is a psycho and he is taking “action” to boot her out. 8 years since Dday. What a disaster. Meanwhile, my life couldn’t be better! Karma!
And in fact the gift was sent to the teenager at her address. It was not one of the ‘gifts given at the party to be enjoyed here’. It was a different sort of gift, given by a Grandma to a grandchild, and nothing to do with FW and Schmoopie. Which is no doubt why Grandma did what she did. Schmoopie has plunged to the even lower depths of seeking to extort money from a child. They have no shame.
Pilfering funds from a child. Low life scumbags.
Please let us know what happens when Schmoops tries this lecture on with Grandma. Popping corn now.
My ex also hoovers all the “good clothes” and says I dress the kids in rags. They are very young. They have special clothes for his house vs my house. When the school year ended, during this summer, he even sent them back to my house wearing private school uniform shirts for a school they will not attend next year, since those shirts are now of no value. This allows him to hoard one extra shirt per child at his house that is of value. When they were attending that school, it was the reverse: he hoarded all the private school uniform clothes he possibly could. The choildren evn have a special drawer at his house with rags permitted to be worn back to my house. This is all part of his effort to maintain some sense of control over me. I ignore it as best I can. If they want to take things to his house from my house, I do not care, with some exceptions.
My advice is to ignore any communication that is not a medical emergency.
Am I to understand that the kids are made to change clothes when arriving at their house, change into clothing which resides at that location, and then change back into the clothing they arrived in?!
That is insane, and I don’t stand down and stay silent when insane is running riot.
I do believe this is a major teachable moment, folks. How is anyone to learn appropriate behavior if we all stay silent?
Moreover, speaking up is standing up for the kids, and more importantly, teaching THEM the right thing to do! Staying silent is how this shit gets passed on from generation to generation.
Traitor X was heavily heavily indoctrinated to not speak up. It has handicapped him enormously. His inability to speak up also causes major problems for those around him (speaking as one of the main people whose life has sustained major irreparable damage directly because of his non-existent etiquette and communication skills training).
No, I’d be responding with a certified letter with brief informative bulletpoints spelling out appropriate behavior around the clothing change insanity, the money gift, etc.
Children learn by modeling, and they are learning from those two clowns as well, which is why I would be saying something, not just to Mr. and Ms. Grimy Homewrecker, but to my children as well.
Whether they comply is out of my control, but I’m going to say something.
I would not let my child behave this way without instructing them about appropriate conduct, and as we know here all too well, there are a lot of chronological adults who missed classes on how to treat other people as well. Just because someone is in a big body doesn’t mean they no longer need teaching; it’s even more important people speak up. ESPECIALLY TO CHEATERS, who are both currently getting an F in Etiquette.
One of my biggest pet peeves is when a cheater adopts a Miss Manners tone when their conduct is egregiously boorish. I wouldn’t dream of letting a teachable moment get away.
Velvet Hammer, “Staying silent is how this shit gets passed down from generation to generation”. AMEN, Velvet! I see this kind of thing said so much here. It boggles my mind.
Am I to understand that the kids are made to change clothes when arriving at their house, change into clothing which resides at that location, and then change back into the clothing they arrived in?!
That is insane, and I don’t stand down and stay silent when insane is running riot.
I do believe this is a major teachable moment, folks. How is anyone to learn appropriate behavior if we all stay silent?
Moreover, speaking up is standing up for the kids, and more importantly, teaching THEM the right thing to do! Staying silent is how this shit gets passed on from generation to generation.
Traitor X was heavily heavily indoctrinated to not speak up. It has handicapped him enormously. His inability to speak up also causes major problems for those around him (speaking as one of the main people whose life has sustained major irreparable damage directly because of his non-existent etiquette and communication skills training).
No, I’d be responding with a certified letter with brief informative bulletpoints spelling out appropriate behavior around the clothing change insanity, the money gift, etc.
Children learn by modeling, and they are learning from those two clowns as well, which is why I would be saying something, not just to Mr. and Ms. Grimy Homewrecker, but to my children as well.
Whether they comply is out of my control, but I’m going to say something.
I would not let my child behave this way without instructing them about appropriate conduct, and as we know here all too well, there are a lot of chronological adults who missed classes on how to treat other people as well. Just because someone is in a big body doesn’t mean they no longer need teaching; it’s even more important people speak up. ESPECIALLY TO CHEATERS, who are both currently getting an F in Etiquette.
One of my biggest pet peeves is when a cheater adopts a Miss Manners tone when their conduct is egregiously boorish. I wouldn’t dream of letting a teachable moment get away.
Sorry for the double post….my phone was glitchy this morning.
It would be really fun to submit this situation to Reddit’s Am I The Asshole and forward the clowns the results…..
????
That sub is filled with teenagers.
Dear FW and Scmoopie,
I understand how you have had trouble in the past determining what belongs to you and what doesn’t, and what you are allowed to do with it, and I want to express my sincere sympathy. I hope I can help provide some clarity.
The title of “Daddy” rightfully BELONGS TO THE CHILDREN, who have a right to use it.
Gifts BELONG TO THE RECIPIENT.
As the owner of the gifts, they have the right to decide where they will be enjoyed and where they will live and if they will travel back and forth.
The decision about where to send birthday money BELONGS TO GRANDMA.
The gifted birthday money BELONGS TO DEAR BIRTHDAY CHILD, who as the gift recipient owns the rights to its use and execution of its use.
Speaking of money, allowance BELONGS TO THE RECIPIENT.
Whatever is bought with the allowance BELONGS TO THE OWNER OF THE ALLOWANCE, and as such, the owner of the allowance owns the rights to the decisions about what property is purchased with that allowance and its living arrangements.
I appreciate that you have provided clothing for the children at your location, and they have the right to decide if they will wear it or not.
This would be sent certified to Mr and Ms Grimy Homewrecker BY MY LAWYER.
Kids need A VOCAL ADVOCATE when subjected to dysfunctional crazy abusive behavior. I am just really NOT going to stay silent when kids are involved and are at the mercy of a fucking wingnut.
And to our letter writer? Not only did the Karma bus arrive, your moron X husband jumped on it.
#crazytrain
“just as dicks brought into a marriage are to be enjoyed within that marriage” per the initoal contract.
Wedding gift suggestion. I’m sure they don’t have one already.
Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior https://a.co/d/dqWAkTK
Oh my god that is insane. SSaT, please update us on the soon to be hilarious drama when those two divorce.
I know disordered people make sense to themselves, and have no empathy, but this is beyond.
Changing clothes at the door (as if they’re polluted, your polluted, the girls need to be cleansed) and husband poacher calling FW ‘daddy’! Daughter’s can’t call him that…….
This is beyond damaging.
Your daughters need two know how deranged this is.
The surface is abusive, what is going on beneath the surface?
So sorry you all have to deal with this circus.
“The surface is abusive, what is going on beneath the surface?”
Good point. It might be a good idea to limit their access as much as possible.
And crickets were heard across the land ????.
Silence is always the most effective and powerful response you can provide.
I’ve been zero contact with FW and Married Howorker for years. I put a huge lime green flashing neon border around that boundary, and they haven’t dared to cross it (yet). But if they ever do, and the subject matter doesn’t have anything to do with a literal life-or-death situation for one of my children, all they’ll get out of me is exactly what they’ve been getting and what they deserve: stone cold silence.
Two major control freaks, living together, planning a wedding, and schmoopie pregnant….Just thank your lucky stars you’re over here, in the land of sanity! I hope your 16 yr old can see that her father is useless, and focus on her own future. I’d get her talking to a college counselor, in an art club, just as much planning for her future as possible! I agree with being hyper vigilant to them making her the babysitter- No thank you! You two wuv birds can do your own child care (poor baby!)
This letter was completely crazy.
I agree with the others. Don’t even respond to this lunacy.
Are they hard up for money? Is she trying to rip off your kid to put into her fake tits fund or something? Or do you think she’s just being a control freak and poking you about how they had a party and you weren’t invited? Not to untangle the skein, but it might be helpful to know how to predict her next move based on her motivations.
It is satisfying to know that she’s so insecure she’s making sure FW’s life doesn’t touch yours in any possible way, right down to changing the child’s clothes, presumably because they might be contaminated by ex-wife cooties. What a weirdo!
Sadly, the baby is going to be a casualty of these two chowderheads and their messed up relationship. Congrats on getting full custody so they aren’t able to play the usual petty games FWs do when they have 50/50 custody. Schmoopie is trying mighty hard to annoy you with what access they do have, but her efforts are downright pathetic.
Wow!! That’s all I can say about schmoopie’s missive. Just wow! They certainly give a lot of material to work with. Each time you think you’ve heard it all, something else surprises you yet again. And CL, I absolutely love the little penguin with the brief case!
The scumbag cheaters must have given Grammy hell when they found out her gift was sent to Suddenly’s house. I can’t even imagine the koo koo lifestyle these two are leading. Obsessing over kids clothes, gifts, etc.? This is one f’d up, miserable household. Suddenly can rejoice that karma has hit these two but should not respond in any way to OW’s deranged request.
That is some off-the-charts level of entitlement. I wonder if the OW put Grandma on the spot about her gift?
My god, is your daughter Marie Antoinette entering France for the first time, and she must not bring anything Austrian with her? Does this sick charade include underwear and socks? What about items like a cell phone or computer; does she have a different phone at Dad’s? Eye glasses, hair ties, jewelry? The entire concept is astounding.
I’m gross and defiant but if I had to to do this I would make a HUGE demonstration of removing a tampon upon arriving at dad’s and chucking it on the lawn. “I can’t bring ANYTHING into the house, just trying to be thorough!”
Or does the daughter need to take a shit in the front yard because the food came from her mom’s house?
Maybe Schmoopie and FW want to ‘temporarily borrow’ the money? It must be expensive living a carefree (aka irresponsible) life. Schmoopie reminds me of the Abba song, “Money, Money, Money.”
And weddings and new babies are expensive!
I love reading between the lines.
She must have wanted to holler at Grandma, and FW probably read her the riot act and told her not to contact his mother. So she must have figured the next best thing is to scold the ex-wife.
Agree that the best response is no response at all. FW is probably mortified that she tried this stunt.
Can you say Batshit Crazy!!!
Your ex is nuts! He chose his wandering dick out the door to copulate with a Karen! All apologies to normal Karens but this loon will be on youtube at some point. She is so entitled she thinks her shit doesn’t stink.
Your 16 yr old can probably decline visits at her age. Check your state if you are in the US.
“No.” is a complete sentence.
Agree with CL, and all the posts. That is an even more fucked up menage than one would expect a whore’s and a fuckwit to be. That poor baby.
On another note, the penguin! ????????????????. CL is inimitable.
Hahaha, the penguin is the perfect messenger to deliver those unmarked bills! ????
My MIL was hostile towards me before and during our entire 11 year marriage. But she was generous with checks for her grandchildren at the holiday sand for their birthdays. My ex used to cash the checks and keep the money for himself. When she realized this, (and how she found out, I don’t know) she began mailing the checks to me.
‘I think I’ll leave this one with (child) – it’s not a healthy parenting model to micromanage how a teenager spends their birthday money’.
All their behaviour is properly loopy! I think it’s nice to model what a normal person looks like for her too…
SS&T: The UBT never fails. Neither does Chump Lady.
And that takes us to why you are entertaining any emails from Schmoops. You’re divorced. Your kids are 16 and 20. They can deal with Dad directly. In an emergency, you can contact P*ssyWhippedDad directly. Put her email address in your spam or junk file. If he complains that you failed to do X, Y and Z, you can say, “I have no legal obligation to respond to email from your baby mama.” You think it’s a “YAY” that FW does not communicate with you, but he put you into a triangle with Schmoops. That should be a hard “NO.” Step out of the triangle. Let the kids deal with Dad. If he has something to say, and she lets him say it, you are far enough along to deal with him, not his handler.
I missed that this is a TEXT. So just block her. Block, block, block. If he complains, tell him you’re done communicating with her. Period. And stick to it. You don’t need to give an OW a direct pipeline into your brain, your heart, your day, or your life. No, no, nopety nope.