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Cringey Cheater Profundities

I am not defined by my relationship.A lot of New Age mumbo jumbo gets fed to the Universal Bullshit Translator. Witness last Wednesday’s sad sausage poetry. “I breath (sic) in the burning sirocco of your anger.”

The more-namaste-than-thou journeys to self-forgiveness. The Pinterest board adages.

One of the best Stupid Shit Cheaters Say submissions was “I did not cheat on you. I cheated on your idea that I would cheat on you.”

So meta. Mind blown!

Your Friday Challenge is to share with CN the cringiest mindfuckery you received after D-Day. Or read on their social media (which you should not have done, stop that now). Or was sent to you in some pathetic hoovering attempt.

Wherever you got it, we want it.


Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at [email protected]. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • After twenty seven years of marriage and his multiple affairs, he said…”we had a good run, not Kentucky Derby, but close enough.” And “I need a Tigger, and you’re too much of an Eyeore.”

    • Bouncy, bouncy, fun-fun-fun-fun-fun, the wonderful thing about Tiggers is! …. they’re with your ex.

      • Oh no, I have Tigger moments– family trait. My globe-trotting mother was still working for the news and teaching yoga in her eighties. I see the same in my daughter. Meanwhile the AP in my situation was somewhere between Heffalump and Backson.

    • Eyeroll emoji. I bet Tigger just annoys the heck out of him by now…..

    • Tigger was an annoying asshole. I think most chumps are more the piglet type: gentle, thoughtful, and caring about others.

      • I agree, if we were not accommodating and trusting we wouldn’t be so easy to betray. Or at least some of us. I have no doubt my trusting nature and peacemaker bend made it so easy for FW.

        The good news is fw didn’t escape his own destruction by his own hands. Though I am sure that was how he had it planned out. Then someone dropped a dime…

        • Same here. My wife’s affair lasted nearly two years. I never caught her. I travel a lot for work which gave her a huge window, but I also trusted implicitly. Even those time she went out with her “girlfriends” when I was home.

          • I worked shift work. Totally trusted my ex wife also. Never caught her until 12 years after the affairs stopped (at least whenI figured out her timeline). She had “girlfriends” nights out, working “overtime”, she loved “decompressing” at a local lake after work, plus she had secret apartments!

      • My granddaughter when she was just an infant had one of those jumping Tiggers. She would just lay there and laugh and giggle at it. She is 23 now.

    • What a loser. So sorry you had to deal w/that. With HIM. Better days ahead for you. A pox on him.

    • So…he wanted annoying, shows up in the middle of the night uninvited, scares the shit out of you when you’re trying to sleep, and their idea of a “greeting” is jumping on top of him…

      Instead of:

      Keeps peacefully to themselves, enjoys the kindness of friends, and appreciates even very simple gifts, is just happy to be included?

    • My ex told me he needed someone “bubbly”. It’s like he’d never even met me before… I have never been and will never be “bubbly”. He knew that from the day he met me and yet he pursued me relentlessly and married me.

      And so he left me for his AP, who acts like a 2-year-old: jumping up and down, clapping her hands when happy; moaning in ecstasy over a fucking PIECE OF CANDY; screaming, crying, and stamping her feet when angry.

      I’m a chill person on the whole. I save big emotions for, you know, big things.

      I find “bubbly” people exhausting, and, in the case of OW, fake.

  • I was leaving with what I could carry in my four boat bags while he was at his psychiatry appointment. (He was going to therapy not because I had asked him to, but because he wanted a prescription for anti-depressants and that was the only way he was going to get it.) He came back early as I was moving out, and as he’d been abusive, I was scared to death. Instead of remarking on my full-to-the brim and then some boat bags, he said, “I’m not arrogant. I just know more than anyone else.” And then, “That bastard doesn’t know anything! I don’t think I’m better than anyone else . . . I am NOT a Narcissist!” And then went on and on, getting more and more worked up about what his psychiatrist had said to him. He apparently didn’t even realize I was leaving. He was having a full-on, raging tantrum. I fled with the dog when he went to the bathroom. He apparently didn’t even realize I was gone (or care) for several hours.

    • Well, at least he was too preoccupied with himself to impede your escape. This story is hilarious in hindsight. I’m sure it was no thrill as you were living it, though.

    • “I’m not a narcissist! Me, me, me… boohoo meeeeee.”

      *several hours later*

      “Hey, you’re not home?”

  • “I am not defined by my relationships.” It was her response during false reconciliation to my questions about her various affair partners. I told her as a wife in a supposedly monograms marriage, her sexual relationships with other men pretty much did define her—as a bad wife. #CaptainObvious #MrsOblivious

    • Nomar, here is my version of the “I will not be defined!”

      I remain in the middle of an extended divorce where my closeted gay husband has used the legal system as a tool of abuse that mirrors the patterns of the marriage. Besides hiding assets and saying I deserve nothing, he and his attorney vilify me and call me all kinds of names to the point that my attorney says he has never seen anything like it in 30 years.

      In a letter not long before we separated, my husband said, “Am I gay? Am I bisexual? As I’ve told you, these are just political labels, and I don’t find labels USEFUL.”

      Also as a foundational part of his litigation and proving how difficult I am, he sent me a reconciliation request and in legal filings said he hoped to reconcile but I had refused.

      Then a few months ago after our lovely adult son came out as gay (a lovely person this son), my husband told him that he thought it was wonderful how the queer community respected people’s right to choose how they communicated their preferences and that he has chosen to keep his sexual identity private.

      As I read and remember and am haunted by all the names he has called me, it is pretty obvious he does find labels useful. Just not about him.

      • Grumpy,

        I am so sorry that you are still loosely tethered to this abusive piece of shit. This awful sham of a person. Nobody should have to deal w/anything like the crap he’s giving you. I can only wish you the speediest end to your connection with this asshole.

        I hope things change for the better for you as soon as possible. Sending you my hope of better days for you, your son, and anyone else affected by this monster hiding behind his sexual persuasion as an excuse for lying to and tormenting others. Especially you.

    • Nomar: She is/was also defined as a liar, betrayer and a person who does not care about hurting other people to name just a few.

  • I told fw that I thought we would grow old together. He said. “Me too, just not right now.”

    • Meaning he thought you would be good to have around to change his bed pan? Barf.

  • My ex said to me, “I have to grow a beard just to be taken seriously as an adult. Without a beard, people think I’m a little boy in high school! You look like my mother. People think you’re my mother. It’s an embarrassment to be seen with you! Everybody’s been telling me to leave you for years!”

    It was so bizarre, it didn’t even hurt. I remember thinking, what kind of grown man wants to look like a little boy? How would that be a good thing? What a strange choice of words. Later I found out about all the “age play” he was into and that comment made more sense. It also made me very sick to my stomach.

    • KP “ageplay” ~ yegods, FW rides to work through the city on a kiddy scooter (for a 5yo). He is a lawyer btw. He does lots of kiddy things. He speaks about our autistic child in magical mystical language, and claims to have a special connection to him (despite nine years of not giving a shit). I started to wonder if he was a pedophile. He used to burst in on me settling our son in the bedroom when our son had a meltdown. He was nowhere to be seen prior and sprang from nowhere. Every single time, like he was waiting for it licking his lips. He’d pretend to rifle around in the wardrobe then turn around and stare at us with a weird smirk. It was so ick. I thought after we separated perhaps he was jealous but he’s such a sicko who knows.

  • When my covert abuser was doing his 12 step recovery process in his co-ed sex addiction group (yes you read that correctly) he proudly told me he was working on Step 4: “Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself.” “Of course,” he added, “I did one of you first.” I stared blankly at him and never took the bait. He passed his “interview” with a spiritual leader and moved on to step 5 with flying colours. Once a con artist, always a con artist.

    • Funny how con artists find con artistry groups to join. All the freaks hang together to normalize their psychopathology and then look down from their lofty heights on the little ordinary people (= chumps)

  • “I need to be a freebird (like his fave stupid song) and I’m a gypsy and need to travel and love whoever I encounter!”

    He’s with a mommy type again with teen kids, same pets, expensive rental, health problems. Sounds like gypsy life to me…

    • Wow. Does he think he’s at Woodstock, tripping on peyote?
      They are so delusional.

    • As a Romany who never cheated on anyone, can people please stop throwing “gypsy” around so casually? It’s a pejortive racist term. We are actual living breathing human beings and not a fucking shitty lifestyle.

  • Mine used to tell me “I love you” all the time during custody exchanges. Not a mindfuck for me, but the kids too. When he told me that, I usually just looked at him, until the day I lost it and said “You show it by screwing the hired hand?” Crickets.

    • Mine tells me I love you at every single exchange. He also tries to hug and kiss me. At. Every. Exchange. It’s been a year and a half of this.

        • My put down in this situation is ‘no thank you, I know where you’ve been.’

        • Spaceman: Agreed. He has NO right to touch you. It can be hard to see FW as a bad guy, but he has no more right to touch you than a creepy stranger on the subway.

          If he won’t stop, report him. It’s a super creepy way of controlling you.

          I have something similar. ExFW stalks me at church because he knows I won’t tell him off in front of the kids.

          It’s sickening. Unfortunately I can’t report anything because hey, he’s just minding his own business. Who is going to yell at him for attending church? And is it a crime to talk to your own children?

          Barf. It’s so gross how they misuse things like that.

          I still have panic attacks sitting in the pews. That’s where he would put his arm around me and pretend to be Happy Family.

          It’s bone-chilling.

      • That’s sickening, ShePersisted. What an abusive POS. With the kids there, you must feel really cornered. Can a friend/family member ever join you?

      • Calmly explain to your kids in an age appropriate way that you will be staying in the car/at the door when Daddy comes for visitation. Remove yourself from the continued mindfuck and abuse (to you and your kids)… cuz if I’m a kid, I hear this and I’m thinking “If you love Mommy when will you come home?” That’s abuse and gaslighting. Daddy has a very unhealthy understanding of the word love – shut it down. Boundaries are your friend.

        • I wouldn’t allow the Douchecanoe on my driveway. The kids got into and out of the car on the curb side of the street. That set him and them straight regarding my lack of desire to even spend 30 seconds in his presence. When they were younger I watched from the porch at pickup and drop-off. When they were older it was in the kitchen.

        • I would carry my son’s things to his dad’s porch, give my kid a hug and kiss, and then walk back to my car and wait til I saw him go inside. Saved us both a lot of stress.

    • “Rightly so, I am pretty awesome and life with me was great. Too bad you threw it all away because I am over you.”

  • After 16 years, he told me “we are just two very different people” (I’m faithful and you prefer to have a secret life complete with fiancee and ‘soulmate’ for the last 3 years).
    He told our mutual friends (before he told me)..”you don’t get married expecting to get divorced”. (I prefer you don’t have a 3 year affair/second family life and still pretend to the world you are a great married family man). Mindfuckery.

    • “You don’t get married expecting to get divorced.”

      You don’t get married expecting your partner to exchange rings and vows with their affair partner while you’re at work one day.

      Which is exactly what cheater x did and why I expected him to scurry away like a cockroach when I found out.

      For someone who had ANOTHER WIFE waiting in the wings eager to take my place in the home, he was surprisingly reluctant to agree to a divorce from me, his legal wife.

      Tough luck dude, some things are not forgivable.

      • OC. I’ve mentioned this one before but hey it’s Friday, let’s drag it back out.

        Saw photos of dresses on ex’s phone (from OW) asking him which one he liked. Dresses, you say? What for? Dresses for her to wear to THEIR engagement party…..spoiler…we were also engaged at the time. Guess he forgot.

        #fiancee multiplied by fiancee = fianceesquared

  • 1) “We all have our own path to walk.” (Said in an airy-fairy, pretentious tone.)

    Me; “Apparently yours was a sprint down Douchebag road straight to Cheaterville.”

    Then I made a meme of a guy with his arms around another woman behind his wife’s back with that quote on it. I attributed it to “Cheatpak Dopra.”

    Oddly enough, he was not amused. ????

    2) “I’m broken.” (Sad, quavering voice.)

    I laughed at that and he was so offended. “See what I mean about you?” he whined. I laughed some more. He would rather I cry in despair for losing his precious “in love” feelings and beg for them back, so fuck him, I will laugh at him.

    • ughhHHH! That second one. Earlier this year, I mentioned to STBX that I couldn’t get past him reaching out to AP during the time he/I were attempting to reconcile. We had done all this therapy and work (for a year and a half at that point), and he called the AP after he crossed paths with her in public one day. His response to me this spring, “I reached out to her bc I was having a low point.” I laughed out loud. Really? YOU were having a low point??? After all the hell you’ve put our family through? It truly was laughable. When I laughed, he snapped “that’s not empathetic! You’re not being loving!” To which I replied, “what have the last three years of attempted reconciliation been, if not me extending love, empathy and compassion to you??” I looked at him directly and said: “I AM empathetic. I am loving. I am compassionate. I AM.” He interrupts, “no you’re not! You’re NOT!” I said I was done with the convo and got up to walk away. He said, “you’re walking way bc you know it’s true and you don’t wanna hear it – you’re not a loving person!” I said no, “that’s not truth. Those are lies. And you’re a liar.” He kept yelling “it’s the truth it’s the truth” (that I’m not compassionate, etc) over and over, till I lost it, turned around and (regrettably) screamed – my words echoing through the neighborhood – “you were fucking my FRIEND!!!” I wish I hadn’t lost my composure in that moment, but dealing with these thoughtless, disordered people…well, it’s a challenge…
      It was all further confirmation that STBX hasn’t yet done the real heart-changing work. Sad. Not my problem anymore.

      • “When I laughed, he snapped “that’s not empathetic! You’re not being loving!”

        What, you didn’t bow to the abusive piece of crap’s expertise on empathy and love?
        Naughty Juniper.

        “He kept yelling “it’s the truth it’s the truth”

        Yeah, five year olds will do that when they’re caught lying.

        “Not my problem anymore.”


        • OHFFS I think about all the times I laughed at the FW and all the idiotic things he did before I realised he was a FW. I recognise now he would have been raging under his nice guy mask, and plotting my demise. Part of me wishes I’d laid the boot in more.

      • Oh, Juniper. I have been right there. Too many times. Isn’t it a relief to have our heads out of the blender?

      • you may wish that you had not lost your composure, but I sure am proud of you for not letting that FW wallow in his delusions – – – you called him on his BS in no uncertain terms – – you deserve a big pat on the back for doing that

      • Ditto to the ‘I’m broken’ crap.
        He got away with an awful lot of covert trickery for a broken man!

      • Well, I guess if we’re going to talk about stuff like this, I’ll repeat that the FW XW sort of broke down in the 13 days I spent w/her in our house (now mine) between D-day and her moving in w/her then boss and AP, and told me, “I think there’s something really wrong with me.”

        Now I see it for her self-pity channel. It was true, but I was to feel sorry for HER. Not for what she’d done to me and our family w/this exit-affair. It was all about her.

        Unfortunately, at that early point, I was torn between wanting to yell at her, “You’re right! There IS something wrong w/you!”, and the pick-me dance. Pick-me dance won. I bit my tongue and said, “I don’t know if there’s something wrong w/you, but you’re definitely different.”

        Funny, now I know she’s not really different. But there’s definitely something wrong w/her. With all these fuckwits. They tend to be so alike, w/such shitty character. On the plus side: not my (our) problem anymore.

    • Cheatpak Dopra
      OMG funny. You could add that to everyone’s contributions here and make it like the Chump version of Confucius jokes.

      • “You could add that to everyone’s contributions here and make it like the Chump version of Confucius jokes.”

        Good idea. We just need somebody playing the sitar, badly, as accompaniment.

    • I got “there’s other lives I want to live.” Umm no, there is just the one where you fuck coworker subordinate (which got them fired months later). But he didn’t want to labeled a lying narc cheater just like his father so he wouldn’t admit it.

  • Wow, there is just so much that FWs say that is so crazy. Some of my favorites include:
    1. God sent Schmoopie to me (I had no idea that God sends Schmoopies for them to commit adultery with)
    2. You can love many people at the same time, I mean you love your parents, our son and some others, why can’t I just love Schmoopie (Uh, loving your kid, your family is a bit different than having sex with strange and loving it)
    3. I cheated because you were not meeting my needs and would not do what I asked of you (uh, well, if that is the case then address it through a conversation not by going out and fucking strange)
    4. Our son is grown. I deserve all the attention now (Really?????)
    5. You are so unforgiving that I have now forgiven myself and I feel fine about it (the affair).
    6. Since you have to work, I see no reason why I cannot go on vacation with my friends (not really friends, just Schmoopie).
    7. What’s wrong with being a sex worker, it is legal in many countries (Yep, it is a legit profession and should be recognized as such).
    The list could go on but how these FWs can justify their crap is simply amazing to anyone with a moral compass, common sense and character.

    • Mine said #2, #3, and #5 verbatim, with variants of some of the others. He would go to “conferences” where he would sign in, meet up with Schmoopie, and maybe go to one or two sessions in between the fuck-fests. Then he would come home and tell me how “being away really does make the heart grow fonder!” Initially I thought that meant he missed me, but now I know it was because he missed the AP.
      Oh, and BTW, cheating while at a “conference” is apparently a thing. If somebody attends a lot of them, if could be a red flag.

      • Yup…mine went to a lot of conferences and used that time to develop a relationship with his significantly younger coworker to whom he is now married. Watch a spouse that goes to conferences all the time. It’s a great cheater extravaganza. They can drink and then tell the coworker they are interested in how their wife doesn’t meet their needs. And the coworker can “save” them from a very “unhappy” marriage. Thank God for conferences!

      • I worked for a lawyer managing partner who was having an affair with a trainee. He was married with 7 year old twins, she was undergoing infertility treatment. Their cover was ‘conferences’. Every time his poor wife called, the receptionist was instructed to tell her that he was at a ‘conference’. I was new to the firm and it took me a while to work out what was happening. I exposed the affair to his boss with two other new staff members. And it didn’t go well for us. We were ‘let go’ after the subsequent enquiry. He was a big earner and he and she were both retained. The atmosphere at this small branch of a large law firm was toxic, the air oozed slime, and I was glad to go.

    • “You are so unforgiving that I have now forgiven myself and I feel fine about it (the affair).”

      Gotta love the whole forgiving themselves thing, when they weren’t ever remorseful. As if you can forgive yourself for stuff you have felt no guilt about. He felt fine about it all along or he wouldn’t have done it to begin with.
      Besides, that, the idea that he should forgive himself because you haven’t is beyond sophomoric. They just aren’t that bright.

    • “God sent Schmoopie to me (I had no idea that God sends Schmoopies for them to commit adultery with)”

      I just found out recently that many years ago whore said this to my daughter in law. She said “I believe God sent me to whoremonger just when he needed me” I laughed and laughed. I told dil that I must have missed it in the sixth commandment where it said Thou shalt not commit adultery; unless you really need it.

      DIL said she flat out told her that her God does not send a woman to steal another woman’s husband.

      Whore was a dumb shit though, I have no doubt fw told her exactly that. He had to come up with something as he was a professing Christian. Our preacher set him straight, and he never returned to that church.

      • susie lee,

        I just got a good chuckle at your words, “I must have missed it in the sixth commandment where it said Thou shalt not commit adultery, unless you really need it.” That’s great. We get it. The fuckwits never will.

        I say that as an agnostic, who was brought up Catholic, became a relatively lapsed-Catholic (or at least a fairly liberal one) and late in life migrated to Unitarian Universalism (partly to make the FW XW happy. She was a true lapsed-Catholic, and I believe joining the UU’s just satisfied her increasing liberalism and at the same time provided a cover of respectability for her covert narcissism).

        I’m not associated w/any organized religion anymore, but I believe there are some basic moral guidelines for being good in life. Thou shalt not kill and thou shalt not commit adultery always seemed like no-brainers. Not to our former partners/spouses, it seems. As Bugs Bunny would say, “What a bunch of maroons!”????

        • or “Thou shalt commit adultery if you want something different.” he forgot to mention he’d already found “something different.” Cheater didn’t feel butterflies in his stomach when I entered the room.
          Evidently he felt butterflies when AP walked into the room. Infatuation and sneaking around will do that to you. #3 It isn’t cheating because we weren’t getting along which was also my fault because. I’m never happy. Despite feeling happy and reading and following the rule from all the reconciliation books I was reading to be happy and not make demands. As I was doing all the research to work on our marriage so he would feel “butterflies” he was scheming with AP to leave. Cheater said he could never make me happy and was concerned for my mental well being. Cheater made no effort to make me happy.
          Someone was unhappy in the marriage and it wasn’t me.
          Since when does cheating help salvage a marriage? Concerned for my mental well being?
          Butterflies?? He should be more concerned for his own mental health.

    • #3 was what I got. I was working 2 jobs, helping to put him through school, and due to irregular scheduling, would occasionally have only a 1-hour break between the two. On those days, I wouldn’t come home but would grab dinner out and go straight to job #2. Apparently, even though it only happened every couple of weeks or so, it severely curtailed his preferred sexytime. How dare I deprive him and ignore his needs? He even complained about it to my therapist, who merely stared in disbelief. I guess that’s why he felt compelled to sleep with both one (maybe more) of his classmates and my sister.

  • I’ve got a good one. Long story but I went to visit him in TN. He was working there and had the skank living with him in the RV (I was unaware) so we stayed in a cabin in the smokey mountains. An argument started over his lack of anything and he left. In that process he ran over my feet and legs with the truck. After Being injured and alone in the dark I of course called 911. Sadly they said he was sitting in the truck just down the road. No he didn’t try to help but he did tell me that my recorded 911 call was pathetic and this was a pain in the ass for him. I guess I need to keep the hysterics out of being injured. What a douche bag!! Poor thing. He had to pay to get his record expunged too. How terrible. I can’t say how glad I am that he is gone!!!! Him and schmoopie traded up to a trailer bless his heart.

    • Holy crap! I am so glad you are safely out. He is dangerous af. How on earth could he pay to have a record of a violent crime expunged???

    • He ran you over???!!! Then he mocked your 911 call??!! While his OW was nearby??!! My God, the stories just keep getting worse! Jesus, how inhuman of him! You are so much better without that monster! Ugh. My heart goes out to you. I’m glad you’ve got the pup. The pup is a much better companion than that scum of the earth. Wishing you peace and meh as soon as possible. My fuckwit’s actions pale in comparison to that.

  • FW said “we haven’t been together since June”. Although, he was sleeping right next to me for 5 months after that. I think he truly believes he morphed into someone new & improved when OW came on the scene & that the old him left & apparently sometime in June. Of course, after a year of “peacocking” as my sons call it, he’s suddenly morphed back into himself again haha

    • ….and it will never be “enough” no matter what you do. We had a LOT of sex, that went on unendurably long due to his Delayed Ejaculation issues (which were related to his porn habit). If we stopped because I was hurting, then it didn’t count, since he didn’t have an orgasm. The resentment would start. “You just need more stamina!” he would proclaim (after an hour of intercourse). And we would try again the next day, and the next, until he finally came. Then I would, maybe, get a day off.
      He actually told our therapist he believed 4-5 hours of penile stimulation a day was “reasonable”.
      So, yeah, sex. And in our case, “sex” meant “anal”, which I absolutely cannot do. Believe me, I tried.

      • OMG ivyleague ????. How does a person even have time for that? I’m so glad you weren’t seriously injured. And now thankful that the porn habit just meant my FW couldn’t get it up for me in the first place.

      • This just sounds like an every living nightmare. Thank God you are out!!!

      • ivyleaguechump,

        That’s awful. I feel like I was on the other side of that sexual coin you’re describing. I would have loved more sex w/the FW XW (I felt that physically, she was naturally beautiful), and early on in the marriage I was stupidly angry about not getting it. I was the one in the early marriage counseling session that stated the problem was w/her not wanting as much sex as I did. Yeah, I was pretty clueless at that point and I’m not proud of it.

        It didn’t help that she was my first and only sexual relationship, and my only substantial relationship by age twenty one. I was extremely shy growing up. Didn’t have a lot of confidence w/girls or young women.

        We were friends for years first from late in high school, then morphed into romantic lovers later in college (all the more quickly because we were friends first). So I still had a lot of growing up to do in general and relationship-wise, and it happened (or didn’t) in our relationship. We married at twenty three, right after college.

        However, I think if it was solely up to the FW XW, we would have had sex roughly once a month. Right after her period, as her hormones influenced her quite a bit for sex (I suppose mine did too, as I wanted it at least every other day. At least). And even though it frustrated me to no end that I usually didn’t get that frequency (again, mostly early on), I never cheated on her. Even though she was also much more vanilla regarding sex than I was as well.

        Was I tempted once or twice in our marriage, to have an affair, especially in the early years? Yes. Did I act on it? No. Not at all. Because I realized I had too much respect for myself and respect and love for her. And as time went on, I recognized that I could either be continually frustrated w/her lower libido relative to mine and relative lack of sexual adventurousness, or simply appreciate her for what she did do for me as a wife and lover. I finally understood the latter was the adult, loving way to go, despite my desires suffering.

        And, as time went on in our marriage, I realized I appreciated her more and more, even w/all her faults, because I loved her, more and more. And hell, she put up w/all of my faults! Or at least, I THOUGHT she did.

        So I appreciate where you’re coming from, even though I feel I was on the other side of the coin. You were the good wife and lover, putting up w/your fuckwit’s demands for sex. You weren’t perfect, but neither was he (obviously). None of us are. But neither you nor I debased our characters by taking the shitty way out of our relationships’ sexual dysfunctions by having affairs. Like the rest of CN, we took the high road. Like me, we were all in it for the long run.

        Wishing you as much peace and tranquillity as you can get now, and all the good stuff in life.


      • I think he wasn’t that bright… maybe he should start reading more? I suggest a great book “ Becoming cliterste” by Dr. Mintz ????
        A few hours of vaginal intercourse? Jeez…you poor thing… oh, the things we do out of love ????

        • Oh, he was very literate in that realm, and oral wasn’t a problem except when it started to become tedious. I’ve never had problems with having orgasms, almost the exact flip of the “usual” couple. The problem lay with HIM, and was strongly related to his porn use and masturbation techniques….which a human body cannot mimic. He broke himself, and tried to blame me.
          There is a terrific book called “Your Brain on Porn” which is a scientific look at the effects of porn on the brain. All parents, particularly those with boys, need to read this book.

    • Melon, I got that exact comment. Then a diatribe that included “just a simple thank-you…” At which point I interrupted to say ” WHOA hold up. I’m a person that says thank you. I thank you for cutting your own damn grass every other week. WTF?” I thought he was just inventing random sad sausage reasons to cheat.

      Well…this explains it. He didn’t actually want a simple thank-you.

      Also explains why he thought “we” had communication issues ????

  • I got a mouthful of, “I’ve done my time. It’s my time now. I need a free spirit to do alot of things I haven’t been able to do. You’re beautiful on the inside and out, Latitude69. Don’t change for anyone! Maybe in a few years I’ll come back for you. I’m just not good at this relationship stuff.”

    Good riddance!

    • “Maybe I’ll come back for you” — Oh REALLY? Oh my gosh, after devaluing, abusing, undermining, and abandoning me, there’s nothing in this world that I would want more! …delusional asshole.

  • “It’s not cheating, I mentally divorced you two years ago”. Uh, news to me, our youngest child was born two years ago. And you still acted like my husband and called me your wife and pretended everything was fine.

    “I found my soulmate. I thought you’d be happy for me!” This one left me dumbfounded.

    When I told him I was divorcing him, he said “you can’t do that, I haven’t decided if I want a divorce!” My response: “it’s not up to you, I’m divorcing you” ????

    Apparently he was waiting for a sign from God on whether he should divorce or not. This guy who never went to church and wasn’t religious.

    “I cheated on you because you don’t like sushi”

    “I’ve forgiven myself. You can’t expect me to walk around feeling guilty all the time!” – this like 2 days after DDay

    There are so many.

    • “I cheated on you because you don’t like sushi”

      I think this should win some sort of prize because it’s so far away from reality that you can’t see it with the James Webb Space Telescope.

    • “And you still acted like my husband and called me your wife and pretended everything was fine.”

      Yep same as with mine, only ten years.

      I just watched a sermon the other day that was given by my former preacher who was our preacher when fw pulled all his crap. I won’t go into detail, but basically he was preaching on how falling into a life of sin is not generally one big decision, it is a series of small decisions. He then used as an example how one destroys their marriage, he said a man does not wake up and say to his wife, our marriage is over I am going to go out and have an affair. No, the little lies start, then eventually his family is destroyed etc… Bits and pieces. Same with most forms of self destruction, and by extension the destruction of others.

      • Exactly.
        As I was reading LACGAL a year ago, I was adding up all the lies over time, including the ones not quite necessary since we were separated. It was so simple to see in that moment. No wonder I couldn’t trust him. Wouldn’t ever.
        That’s when I realized I had to stop and get away for good.

        • I recall all the phone behavior in front of other people or strangers. Portraying himself as Mr. Nice Guy, Saintly, Dudley Do Right. Pretending to be a male feminist when around women when it couldn’t be further from the truth. He’s full of shit.
          Idon’t know why I was so surprised to find out he’s.compulsive liar, manipulator and cheater..

    • “You can’t expect me to walk around feeling guilty all the time!”

      OMG, this! And yeah, like 3 days after DDay! “I said I was sorry!” Then puts his head in his hands like his crazy emotional wife causes him pain …

      “You have to forgive me at some point” was my favorite. I don’t know what Christian or New Age ~Forgiveness~ crap he was buying in to, but this made it sooo easy for me to just stop trying and say “No…actually, I don’t.” And that was the first time I felt a taste of freedom from pain and spackling and pretzeling that made me really consider divorce. I’m not spiritual at all so in a weird way his lil’ Profundity enlightened me!

      I’ll probably never forgive what he did. And you know what, it feels just fine over here. I don’t even think about it except during my CN therapy sessions. Thanks, CL & CN!

    • Yikes, are these people pressed from the same mould? I got: “I don’t need your forgiveness. I’ve already forgiven myself.” WTF.

      • I asked Cheater why he always told me he was a “man of integrity” after finding out he was lying and sneaking around.

        He replied, my integrity is completely in tact..

        Evidently Cheater’s definition of integrity is much different than mine.

  • I’ve got a couple – both of which I’ve mentioned before – but I think that they bear wheeling out here:

    Firstly, her denying that she’d had an affair and asserting that – as she had an absolute right to happiness – that we had to get divorced, so that she could be happy. All so far so good, apart from the fact that the denials about her affair were barefaced lies. The mindf*ck was when she said “I would have suggested that we have an open relationship and see other people, for the sake of appearances and for the sake of our children, but I know that you lack the emotional maturity to make that work … so divorce it is.” Apparently me laughing at her and telling her that my emotional maturity (or lack thereof) wasn’t the problem here was rude and provocative … who knew? As others have said here, when your partner suggests an open relationship, you are almost certainly already in one ….. you just didn’t know it.

    Secondly, being told that “you are an arrogant, institutionalised ars*hole with no social skills and a drink problem …. I am embarrassed to bring my friends here because all you do is drink tea because you don’t drink and you don’t top their glasses up often enough and when you do, you look like you are judging them.” I am pretty much tee-total (my brother and step-father are alcoholics and Ex-Mrs LFTT knows this) and (you guessed it) Ex-Mrs LFTT is an alcoholic but denies it. Being told that I have a drink problem because I don’t drink might, I suspect, have been projection on her part ….. but who am I to say? As a sidenote, Ex-Mrs LFTT’s AP is also an alcoholic, so at least they have that in common.


    • Oh yes, my FW also gave me the “I deserve to be happy” spiel. They all deserve happiness at the expense of others. If they were that “unhappy” then why not say something?

      • I got the “I deserve to be happy” spiel delivered with dramatic Sad Sausage pathos –
        “There must be happiness somewhere.” Guess “somewhere” was located in AP’s vagina.

      • Yes! Yes! And, Yes!!! If he was unhappy, why did he waste 30 years of my life? He could have left any time!
        And, maybe I could have actually found someone that satisfied me in the bedroom! Maybe I could find someone that wanted to share experiences with me – not direct me on trips from one point to another because he always had to be in control. Why did he have to “fake” happiness?! If it was fake…which it probably was not…until 29 year old Miss V came along. Why didn’t he leave when I was in my thirties and could find someone that might be interested in me! Instead these jerks leave us later in life when it’s hard to make new connections. It’s hurt upon hurt.

        • Girl, I could have written this. Mine was a drug addict with a criminal record that hoards aggressive dogs. Still blows the mind.

      • CFaNM,

        I suspect that Cheaters see happiness – whatever that is – as a “Zero sum game.” They can only be happy if they actively go out of their way to ensure that someone else is unhappy.

        I suspect that, in Ex-Mrs LFTT’s case, happiness was about being freed from the hard work of helping bring up 3 children, released from any requirement to exercise financial responsibility, having the total freedom to hook up with her AP (an ex-boyfriend that predated our relationship, but whom she’d had an affair with when he was married) and to drink as much as she wanted …… all funded by that lavish divorce settlement that she believed that she was entitled to from me.

        Sucks to be her though, as the Judge saw through her BS and ensured that the settlement was very much in my favour (in the long term that is; in the short term I had to take on a mountain of debt and to bring the 3 kids up single handed). Add to that, the kids are now very much distanced from her, refuse to have anything to do with her AP and she has – in under 5 years – pretty much much burned through the whole of her settlement. Oh …… and her AP is off work with depression.


        • LFTT after 6 months on this site and a year of reading plenty about female infidelity my take is different.
          I don’t think that In most cases FW’s happiness depends on the chumps unhappiness. I think it is narcissistic of us chumps to think that. As painful as it is we chumps mean nothing to the FW. FWs are just narcissistic people who want what they want and don’t care about the chump. Anything done to the chump is just collateral damage helping them achieve their self centered goals. The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference

          • DrC,

            I would agree that Cheaters are indifferent to the pain that they cause in the pursuit of their happiness. That said, I have seen Ex-Mrs LFTT engage in far too much “blowing of others’ candles out to make her own look brighter” since our divorce; and she doesn’t just do it to me and our kids, she does it to members of her own family too.

            I can only surmise that – firstly – she is not indifferent to the fact that her own life does not measure (at least in her own mind) up to the lives of others and – secondly – that this may not be a “Cheater” thing, but more of a “disordered person” thing.


      • My ex told me he was unhappy. I asked for how long. He said, “A lot.” So I pushed…”what percent of the time that you were married to me were you happy vs. unhappy?” He said, “I don’t know 60/40 or 65/35.” I told my therapist. She said, “He was happy 60-65 percent of the time? I’d say that’s pretty good!” I guess, for him, it was not 100% so…he was just unhappy. Worth blowing up a 30 year relationship for sex with a girl who could have been his daughter. I don’t care what people say…if a woman is young enough to be a man’s daughter and he’s having sex with her that just screams unhealthy boundaries to me. Grow up!!!

    • The x told me after I discovered the first long-term girlfriend that I wasn’t as much fun as she was because I didn’t drink.
      1. I know how to have “fun” without drinking or getting high.
      2. He drank enough for the both of us, and we had young children.
      3. His married-but-separated girlfriend (her husband caught her cheating with the x) didn’t have custody of her children, so they were free to get drunk while I was working and raising three kids virtually as a single parent. Guess she had her priorities straight.

      • Ugh. My ex told me “SHE [OW] wants to DO STUFF with me and you never do” and it was the same thing you said in number 3. She COULD “do stuff” because she only had her kids half the time. FW was referring to the years I had a baby/toddler and we were really hard up for money, so I could have either afforded dinner out OR a sitter, not both (oh, and it was always on ME to find a sitter – he never did any work either finding someone or setting up the occasion, even if it was our anniversary or my birthday). But sure, it was because I’m not “fun”.

    • LHTT, the ex is a functioning alcoholic. As are his 80+ mother and both brothers. My brother is also a functioning alcoholic. The ex was often very abusive to me when he’d been drinking. When I challenged him, I was called ‘puritanical’ and that hurt. Sometimes he promised to cut down but he never did. When he was setting me up for leaving me, he told friends that we couldn’t go out with them because I was ‘restricting’ his drinking. One mutual friend who remained my friend after the split said that what he was saying didn’t make any sense to her. Cheating went with alcohol addiction for the ex, his brothers and my brother. I struggled with his alcoholism for 20+ years, always doubting myself and hoping he would change. I am very glad to be free of that now.

  • I felt stuck in a sexless 20 year marriage (the occasional sex was eye-wateringly bad). On discard (so galling to be dumped by someone you despise……) he acknowledged that all blame lay with him. Later on he rewrote his script and decided that the demise of our “marriage” was due to my “inability to compromise” hahahahahahahha!

    • I imagine many of us here feel like we compromised ourselves into oblivion PRIOR to DDay.

      • Well put, Ivy League. That’s where much of my rage came (and occasionally still comes) from. And then to top it off, they spread lies, sad sausage, and go scorched earth.

    • Wow sounds familiar Steely, in my case it was because I was a bad communicator

      • Apparently it was because I watched Love Island once when my daughter was over (she liked the series).

  • After spending 5 years begging FW to do therapy and work on our marriage, (we had 2 young kids) he refused, I finally gave up, and began plans to divorce him. I then found out he was actively pursuing a mom at our kids school, he had thousands in debt he’d hidden from me, and he had multiple social media handles under fake names where he was trolling for unsuspecting women. Here is one gem I found under one of his fake accounts that was public. And I’m the one he is grieving for, omfg!!

    “I am in mourning, as I have lost someone dear to me. She lives, but she is lost to me. As I grieve, as this chasm of loneliness empties itself through me, my memories and fantasies of her play in an endless loop. As time goes by, I find brief moments of respite, small bits of my life reclaimed.”

      • My kids and I are doing great and living our best lives. Ex-FW spent the last 6 years since the divorce, plunging further into debt, had the IRS after him when he apparently stopped paying his taxes after we divorced, and the woman he had the affair with dumped him. Karma!

    • It’s awful to see him continue to use you and his supposed grief as image management or bait for new partners. What an egotistical creep. And to pursue partners at your kids’ school, making your lives so much more complicated. I feel so sorry for you and your kids.

      • He is a creep who thrives off playing the victim card to unsuspecting women, especially the moms at school. The majority of them finally figured out his “game”. The first few years after the divorce were horrible, now he’s persona non grata on campus. There’s so much more he did that is truly stomach churning. The silver lining is we are thriving now and have a wonderful life.

      • This is the kind of thing that happens when they place no boundaries in the way of their pursuit of “happiness”.
        Friends, relatives, neighbors, the parents of your children’s friends.
        No one is off-limits.

        • I agree
          No boundaries with my sister, my friends, my nighties, his coworkers
          Their “Happiness”is merely doing what they want
          As my ex exclaimed, you cant put my dick in your purse”

    • “I am in mourning, as I have lost someone dear to me. She lives, but she is lost to me. As I grieve, as this chasm of loneliness empties itself through me, my memories and fantasies of her play in an endless loop. As time goes by, I find brief moments of respite, small bits of my life reclaimed.”

      That one is a winner.
      I’m confused about the chasm that empties itself. Isn’t the chasm emptiness itself? So an empty space (like his head) empties itself?

  • After d-day and while the divorce was underway and he was shaked up with the Cock Roach he texted… “Can we still do things as a family from time to time?” I guess he was looking to fill the sidepiece position now that the old sidepiece was set to become the new wife… ????‍♀️

    When I revealed to him that I had been diagnosed with Stage 4 breast cancer, he said to let him know if I needed anything. The very next day, he sent a nasty Our Family Wizard message demanding that I explain why I still had not paid our kid’s $25 technology fee at the school and to get it paid because he was tired of seeing it as unpaid on the school’s Parents’ Portal. (You would think that he had given me money to pay it, but he had not.)

    • You know what they say… “When a homewrecker becomes a housewife, a new position opens.”

    • It was well after seperation I got my stage 4 diagnosis but his first statement was “haven’t you pute through enough?”
      Then he applied to the compassionate fund at his job for financial help for his children and paid family leave. We never saw him so not sure what family he was with, and the children never got a cent….. He uses my cancer as a token of why he is a saint. So gross

  • I had a Jesus Cheater on my hand, so as far as I can remember, nothing New Agey came out of his mouth. Today one comment stands out as it came from left field, because at the time we were in counseling with our pastor. He said and I quote, “At least we will always have our great sex memories.” At the time, I had no idea what to make of that comment and honestly can’t remember if I even replied back to what he said.

    Twenty years married and 23 years total together. Beautiful children born, tons of happy couple and family memories, building a home together, vacations, daily family life, death of family members and pets, ups and down of life; a life I thought had great value. And the memories he values most is sex.

    I can assure you that I have not once ‘remembered’ sex with this FW. Just the opposite. The last time I was forced to see him (child’s graduation), I said to my sister something like, “I don’t know what I saw in him.” or “I don’t think he’s attractive anymore.” And she said something like, “Funny how that happens.” He was never particularly handsome, but I liked him in the beginning for who I thought he was in the inside (a nice guy). After the mask finally fell off and stayed off with me, I saw his insides and they were/are UGLY.

    As the wise Velvet Hammer said, “A person with a history of infidelity is a poor choice for a life partner, as is someone who screws around with people in committed relationships. This is also a consolation prize for the chump.
    The chump is the only player in the game who gets to achieve true peace of mind, which to me is the ultimate prize.”

    I have won the prize! PEACE OF MIND–No one f*cking with my mind; making me feel crazy and insecure. PEACE IN MY HOME — No one lying to me; making me question what I heard, what I saw, what I remembered; my history. NO ONE CHEATING ON ME!! Besides my job (nurse), my life is very peaceful. Twenty plus years of neck pain/tension are gone. The stomach pain: I thought I had an ulcer for the last few years of my mirage, are gone. Gone are the sleepless nights. Gone are the nightmares that would awaken me with fear and a racing heart. Gone is a pathological, lying serial cheater! #WINNING!

    • My ex also wanted the family holidays and vacations together. 8 years out and he still suggests it (he’s remarried, has two other kids now). The best was when his second son was diagnosed with autism, he told me “Now we both have special needs kids!” Uuh, yeah, the kid you had with me (also has autism), that you see when it’s convenient for you.

      • What a piece of shit your ex is!
        Now we both have special needs kids???
        When his own child with you is on the spectrum?
        I give up with these clueless assholes.
        I’m sorry for your child, that’s horrific.

    • Yay for you, Martha! Your new peaceful life sounds wonderful! And your comment made me think back to the dried-up husk of a human I became while living with the Lying Cheating Loser. Twitchy, hypervigilant, and tense. No matter what activity I was engaged in, there was always a ticker (like on a newschannel broadcast) creeping across the bottom of my mind, concerned with the LCL and all his fuckery.
      I’m four years out, and like you, I have peace. In my soul and in my home. No more ticker.

  • “I thought the two of you would be best friends.”

    “The two of us would come to the house and you could sit together on the porch while I mowed the lawn.” He hadn’t mowed it for years; he had a lawn service. I think he planned to do it shirtless so we’d be admiring his flabby old abs.

    “She’s very religious and spiritual.” He told his online AP that he was Catholic. She told him that her priest said it would be OK to have an affair with a married man with a child, and marry him, because they had Twu Wuv. Maybe him sending a few thousand dollars to the priest’s son (?) via Western Union helped.

    “She does so many good things for people.” I asked for examples, and he said “Asking me to let them use my credit card, and asking me to send them money.” He literally was sending money to pay for, so he thought, his AP’s friend’s cousin’s daughter and others.

    “God came to me and told me that I was forgiven and that you, teen, have to forgive me, too.” Said to our teen, who he assaulted, abused and repeatedly threatened.

    “My therapist told me to calculate the hurt I would cause to you and tween, so I calculated it and decided my happiness was worth it.”

    • Your comments make me think back at how gullible my ex-wife was. She believed everything people told her and didn’t even contemplate the fact that she was a lying asshole, and that her twu luv(s) were probably lying assholes. She is so desperate for attention from anyone that will give it. After 28 years together (25 married), my REAL/HONEST kibbles were too old and stale. I don’t think she even cares if any attention she gets is given in truth, just that it is from someone new. Smoke up her ass is SO wonderful to her. I guess that is kind of what CL’s “Sparkles” are. False coatings covering the turds.

  • Mine kept telling me we didn’t have enough in common. This baffled me – because we never had much in common; but it hadn’t been an issue for 20 years. He liked to go fishing, I’d tag along and enjoy the sunshine and read a book and/or chat with him. He liked hunting, I’d just use it as an opportunity to catch up with friends / family / watch chick flicks. He liked football – I’d just snuggle up next to him sorting through my phone and make commentary on the game we both knew was ridiculous and laugh. I later found out it’s because the howorker 8yrs his junior liked fishing and was a huge Pats fan. At the end, I told him, you’re right – we don’t have enough in common. I’m a person of loyalty and integrity and you’re not. BYE!

    • To be considerate of a partners enjoyed hobbies seemed reasonable , I don’t care for football but we had many good laughs at my nativity of the game . He would go hunting and found the money to stuff an elk head when we could not afford it . His trophies were very important! Bragging rights you know. He was always extremely needy for attention in every aspect. I overlooked a lot of immaturity and stupid acts that caused our entire family embarrassment. We couldn’t even go to restaurant with him not flirting with a waitress. The first cheat I learned of he claimed it was because I was a stronger person than him the second one a few years later was on account of an event in from his past long before we met. It seemed like his get out of jail monopoly card of entitlement. But the truth is , he is a liar and a thief and a cheat whos moral compass is broken. His only regret, getting caught. Entitlement is a powerful force !

      • I remember the flirting with the waitresses every time we went to a restaurant. He would gobble his meal, and then flirt with the waitress while I had barely started my meal. Even the most delicious meal tastes like garbage you have to force past the lump in your throat under those circumstances.

    • I got the “we have nothing in common” too. Except, we had LOTS in common. He just stopped talking to me or doing anything with me. Then had an affair with a girl with whom he had nothing in common except that she was willing to do whatever he said (and had precious little life experience and not much personality, so she was eager to “learn” from him), and they were both “writers”. For her, I put that in quotes, as her book was one of the worst I’ve ever read.

      As time has passed, I realized we didn’t have much in common. Our worldviews were very different. My first instinct is kindness, his was ridicule. I’m an optimist, he was a pessimist. I’m honest, he was a liar. I’m loyal, he wasn’t. I’m a saver, he was a spender. I have integrity, he didn’t. I’m faithful, he was a cheater. So I guess he was right, though not the way he thought.

      OW was an anxious, selfish, immature, unethical alcoholic, so I guess she was his perfect match.

  • After 35 years married he said two things..”our marriage ran its course “ and “if you didn’t nag I wouldn’t have fallen out of love with you”.
    The truth was the OWhore had him in lust and had hugh breasts. I lost one breast to cancer right before he met her. ????

    • Oh, Kathleen. I’m so sorry… You’re well rid of him. Of course reminding him over and over and over to do a task was YOUR fault. What a jerk.

      • Well, sure. She should have just done everything herself. Between cancer treatments.

    • The narcissists tend to view your health problems as something done to them, probably because they’re forced to care or spend energy on someone else. The X FW held my health issues against me and made dramatic whoe-is-me comments about what he had to go through during our split. Like I chose it and also chose a woman with opposite “attributes”. They’re truly uncaring people.

      • Yeah, they truly are uncaring people. Years ago, I thought I had a really bad cold. Coughing for close to three weeks. One evening I just wanted to rest on the couch, but the kids and the FW wanted to play board games. I said I really didn’t want to, because I sick. FW came over by me and brought up a Sad Sausage story of when he was a child. His mommy came home from work, and he asked if she wanted to play a game. She said no, because she was tired from work and had to make dinner. She hurt his feelings, and I guess that scarred him for the rest of his life. He said I was doing the same thing to our children, and they would remember I didn’t want to play games with them. Even though I was the one who bought ALL the many board games we had in the house, and I love playing board games; we played games together almost every weekend! But this one time when I was sick and didn’t want to play, this would be remembered for ETERNITY and would wound the children FOREVER! So, he guilted me into playing games when I was sick. A few days later I found out I had pneumonia and the only person who cared about me was my doctor who told me to take three days off work and rest. Did the FW care? No. The Wife Appliance came home from the doctor and made dinner as usual. If FW got sick, I took care of him and pampered him. And in the end, he said, and I quote, “You never took good care of me.” No, FW! You never took good care of me!!!

        • I’m so sorry. I was really sick with, I thought, bronchitis in 2015. I went to work anyway (a 14 hour shift with no breaks in a restaurant on Mother’s Day) and ended up in the hospital a few days later. Double pneumonia that turned out to be caused by a vicious and potentially fatal lung infection akin to tuberculosis (just not contagious). My lungs looked like Swiss cheese on the scan – full of holes.

          I couldn’t work for 3 months under doctor’s orders (so I wouldn’t, you know, DIE). I had a PICC line in my arm to deliver antibiotics straight to my heart and so was told not to do housework that required lifting or repetitive arm movements (like vacuuming).

          In spite of the fact that I took care of FW every time he was sick (which was a lot), FW never lifted a finger to help me. Instead, he subjected me to torrents of emotional and verbal abuse pretty much daily, calling me a burden, lazy, and ball and chain around his ankle, how much he resented having to “carry” us, blaming me for all our financial trouble (even though he got laid off), making me feel guilty about getting sick (like I had a choice in the matter). I continued doing all the housework, carrying/lifting our toddler, and all the rest, even though I was so sick I would have to stop halfway up a flight of stairs to rest.

          The disease I got is one that normally only people with severely compromised immune systems contract (think full-blown AIDS, or the very elderly). I had no comorbidities or circumstances that would have made me vulnerable. I’m convinced to this day that I was so run down from his abuse (it certainly didn’t start when I got sick, it just got worse) that my body couldn’t fight anything off. FW died last year so my divorce process ended, and so did FW’s continued abuse. Last month my pulmonologist told me that the last cavity in my lungs is gone. Without the stress of dealing with him, my body finally healed.

      • They truly are uncaring.
        I had a traumatic delivery with one of the children.
        The nurse actually exclaimed “I’ve never seen so many stitches!” (She could have kept that to herself.)
        Guess who stood by my bedside in the ICU and placed my hand on his erection?
        Other women get flowers after giving birth.
        I got a demand for sex.
        Did he really think I was going to raise my hospital gown and just go for it an hour after giving birth?
        Oh well, poor baby probably added that to the list of reasons why he had to look elsewhere.

        • Gross! My ex complained when I had an allergy flare up that had me coughing and sneezing all night – I realize this is nothing compared to childbirth – but she wasn’t even working. I had to get up and work the next day while she lounged around and her day was ruined because “she felt groggy after sleeping till 10am.” (She was being financially supported by her parents who gave her more per month than I took home working full time. But she still had $60K in credit card debt because that wasn’t enough money. ) I can’t believe I put up with that.

        • That is flat out crazy, predatory and evil. It makes me think he gets turned on by seeing women helpless and in pain. I’m really sorry OC.

        • I second that his behavior was so gross, OC!! I’m sorry he treated you that way! I can only imagine how many of us chumps got disrespected after the birth of our children. Like you, I never got any flowers. He couldn’t even be bothered to take a picture of me with my children, because you know, that takes away attention from himself/FW. #loser!

        • Old crone That makes me so angry! After my cesarean birth, my ex kept leaving me and our very jaundice baby at the hospital so he could go play Magic cards with his friend. I cried about it and and begged him to stay but he said he needed to have the support of his friend because it was so stressful for him.???? So I said okay I was fine (I was not fine). After DDay I yelled at that same friend who had been covering up for his cheating and I added that I thought he was a dick for taking my husband away from the hospital when our baby was just born to play f’ing cards. He looked bewildered and then said “that never happened” and then he looked sheepish and shuffled around. I said “oh, I see. He wasn’t with you?” “No”, he confessed.????

          13 years later when I had some advanced skin cancer removed from my face, which had the potential to be very disfiguring (it wasn’t luckily), my ex couldn’t come hang out with me during the procedure because he was busy. So I said okay I was fine (I was not fine).

          They are assholes.

        • Eww. And I thought my ex was bad.

          I too had a traumatic delivery. They never told me how many stiches it took to Frankenstein me back together. Sex was painful and scary for YEARS. But FW told me I was being dramatic, making things up, overreacting, and clearly didn’t find him attractive any more. He talked about how much HE was suffering because I didn’t always want sex. Sometimes I’d flinch away when he tried to touch me. He used that as a way to gain OW’s sympathy, too (UGH). I finally worked up the courage to get physical therapy (after one GYN basically laughed at me for the suggestion). I told the PT about my reaction to affection and she told me that that was TOTALLY NORMAL for someone who had been through what I had. I literally broke down in tears, because FW kept telling me there was something wrong with me for feeling that way (and PT resolved about 90% of my pain in 2 months).

          But even so, yikes! Making you touch his erection AT THE HOSPITAL???? Girl…Your ex should be grateful you didn’t punch him in the nuts.

      • “The narcissists tend to view your health problems as something done to them.”

        That statement is so accurate it just blew me away. Mine had to cheat because . . . because I had a serious back injury and couldn’t walk, then because I had two total knee replacements and used a walker and he had to chauffer around “an old lady with a WALKER.” And then because I had cancer and he needed to drive me to my radiation therapy appointments, and that was just too much. He was so victimized by the fact that I had three hospitalizations in a quarter of a century.

  • “You know I still love you.”

    Said with tears streaming down his face and with me in the middle of several FW-created horrors including treatment for the 4th or 5th STD he brought home.

  • Mr. Drama King (text): For the love of God. Jesus forgave his killers. Can u not forgive me?

    Judge: Psych eval. Anger management class. BIPP class. Protective order for wife/son. Loss of custody. Loss of guns. 55/45 property split in no-fault state.

    Hahaha. His histrionics cost him everything. FAFO, indeed.

  • When I found his empty bottle of viagra in his truck (cuz that’s where everyone stores their viagra – right?) he said he used it to beat off. I’m thinking so when are you beating off? Grocery shopping? At the stop-light? On the ferry? Have viagra will travel…

    • In his tool box, in the garage. Convenient to take right before he left home. They all think alike.

    • Generic viagra in his golf bag. Guess he went for that hole in one….

      • If your ex was anything like mine, he played golf before playing around with his AP.
        Mine told me that he never lied about playing golf.
        Well, then that’s the ONLY thing he didn’t lie about.
        Guess some things (like golf) are sacred.
        Marriage vows?
        Not so much…

        • Well by all means thank gif he didn’t lie about playing golf. What an honest guy Old Crone! I think we were married to the same guy. Mine said he didn’t lie too much about playing Magic cards- he did that AND other things. Magic cards were his cover but apparently the new young sex slave is a gamer too, so there’s lots of honesty abounding! They really WERE playing cards sometimes so it’s okay ????

    • I swear Viagra is the worst thing to have ever been developed. Just what these aging old farts need.

      Said in jest, I get that it can help some couples; but dang the damage it has caused.

  • He made a public sad-sausage post about his late wife (and posted a horrible pic of her near death), skipped over the 2nd wife who he totally screwed over, then got around to me saying I had decided I no longer had room for him in my life. ????

    It’s true… I have zero room for lying abusive cheaters!

    Those who didn’t know the reality of the situation were sympathetic. But since the post was public, many more came out and spoke the truth. He was busy deleting stuff for a couple of days.

    Sad, sad sausage!

  • Wouldn’t it be great if we got remarried again after our divorce? (We hadn’t even filed yet, I was still pick me dancing against the OW.)

    I left the hotel before the escort got there, my conscience wouldn’t let me go through with it. (So where were you then for four hours that night?)

    • My ex proposed “nesting” and just be friends as part of the divorce. We had a small house with no guestroom. No way in hell was I sleeping in the same bed as he would. He didn’t get that we were not on good terms anymore.

  • Luckily after nearly 8 years I’m starting to forget the harrowing details. However, I’m sure XH screamed in rage at me and the kids that he had been “miserable for at least 10 years….” Our youngest cried, “that’s my whole life, daddy!” He spewed with venom, “I’ve been unhappy the whole time and hated being a father!” She crumpled to the floor. I wish to God I’d kicked him out on Dday and prevented this further abuse during the hell of 18 weeks of wreconciliation. I’ll never forget or forgive him for this. He’s a sociopath.

    • My god. I’m so sorry. The thought of your young child crying out those words to her father, and his response – just so, so sorry. That is not okay. Will never be okay.

    • What a disgusting piece of dogshit! Who does that to a child?!? Fucking prick. I’m so sorry ❤️

  • Shortly after we separated he posted a meme on Facebook. I think it was a shortened version of the original quote and said something like this: “There comes a time in life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. Surround yourself with people who make you laugh, forget the bad, and focus on the good. Focus on the people who treat you right. Life is too short to be anything but happy.”

    He didn’t seem to notice that he was the one who created all the drama. He thought his own children didn’t treat him “right” because they didn’t like his assholery. ????

  • The most bizarre statement was made after my divorce was final. Asshole and I were waiting in a hallway waiting for a signed copy of the divorce paperwork. He walked up to me like a sad puppy and announced he thought about me all the time.

    He had been living with her for five months. She broke into her previous boyfriends house, throat punched him three times, threw hot coffee in his face and stole drugs.

    She also barged into a neighbors home and assaulted an elderly man. That’s the short list.
    They bought a 40 year old trailer and moved to central Florida living in a park where most residents are in their 80’s.

    Sweet Justice.

    • Uh oh. that is what happened to fw and his whore. He died and escaped; but she is still there. She is 68 now, I bet she is giving blow jobs to as many old goats as she can now to get a few bucks, or maybe snare another bill payer.

      My son and his family have not spoken to her since fws private service (fw’s request). I doubt any of them ever will again. I know my DIL won’t. That is what happens when you treat people like shit.

    • I’ve heard and received texts about how sorry he is, misses me, loved me and thinks about it every day. Today I just think “ya right!”
      I can’t wait to find out he’s living in a trailer somewhere with OW. Hope he stays away from Florida because that’s where I moved.

  • He was off on a solo vacation (red flag) to “think” because our marital problems had exploded. His therapist had called him on how full he was of himself and told him that he was going to blow up our family again (we had separated previously).

    Finally having some clarity, I told him over the phone about a week in that we needed to separate again. He chose to make it long-distance. And yet, somehow he made it that I had abandoned him and broken our wedding vows. Blatant projection, of course.

    After the intake appointment, my divorce attorney said he wanted a marital history appointment because of my ex’s documented mental health issues and the belief that it was going to be a high-conflict divorce (his specialty). When I told him how we separated, and how my ex said I had abandoned him and broken our vows, the attorney stood up and pounded the table with a string of colorful language.

    Yes, in a way that was healing because it was indeed a mindf*ck that my ex believed that garbage. There was another time that my attorney pounded the table in that meeting, but I went home knowing that he certainly got it and was going to be enraged on my behalf.

  • Oh, mine was “cheating”, he was “data-collecting”.
    So scientific, giving your spouse an STD. What an @ss.

  • “Even the times I told you the truth, you didn’t believe me”
    That’s probably my favorite…

    As I’m crying and in disbelief that he has done it again…ANOTHER EA, (although this one became a PA:) “What? You don’t wish anything good for me for the rest of my life???”
    “She picked up my pieces…”
    “She puts everyone ahead of herself!” I asked, like who?
    Long pause. “Her kids”
    Wow. Mother of the year. She threw her husband out in October, moved my husband in with her in December.. yes I’m sure her 5 and 9 year olds feel like she put them ahead of everyone else…
    “She always says she’s sorry to everyone!”
    Me: I bet she’s really sorry now.

  • there are so many weird things my X said. one that sticks in my mind is from the discard phase. said, angrily, “and you used to have nice legs.”

  • His response to his gaslighting me and the affair:
    ‘ you were too worried, you didn’t have to think about our relationship, they just are’

  • I just love it when they decide that the marriage is over without ever talking to you about it, so it’s OK to cheat. Then they tell everyone how mean you are and angry about they’re “new relationship” when DDay comes.

    That and the “I was unhappy” justification for blowing up your life, lies and betrayals, and seriously harming the kids.

    • Yep, the “I have been unhappy for ten years” shit. Of course he never told me of his unhappiness, in fact he seemed to be pretty happy, and why wouldn’t he be. I was working my ass off doing volunteer work to push his big ass up the ladder; while he was fucking any whore that would offer it.

      My guess is in fact those were the happiest years of his life.

    • Mine liked to use the old ‘marriage had been over for years’ card too!

      He never said this to me though…

  • On me finding out about his multiple online liasons and meetups on sex dating sites with men and women including the current affair partner dating ads dick pics left right and centre he said “You will always have a special place in my heart maybe we can be friends?
    But please remember my privacy “

    • “My privacy” is a real trigger for me. FW claimed he had a “fundamental right to privacy”, so I wasn’t allowed to ever go in his barn, open his closet, get anything out of his desk, look at his phone/computer etc. “Privacy” to me now means “cheating and porn”.
      If you don’t have anything to hide, “privacy” isn’t really an issue.

  • The ex proudly proclaims to the world “Behind every successful woman is herself.” I may have spent years keeping the kids while she worked 80-hour weeks, but my never being there for -her- is why she had to cheat. At work.

  • Cheater:
    Me: chasing him out to car, “What’s wrong?” (This is first thing in morning)
    Cheater: You are always mad at me
    Me: About what? I haven’t seen you yet today.
    Cheater: I guess not, I’m just sure you will get mad later.
    Me: So you are mad now about me possibly being mad in the future?
    Cheater: yeah, (smirks)
    Me (Chumpily) Ha ha, have a good day
    Ultimately the joke was on me…smh

    • FW used to do something similar. He would have these “arguments” with me where he would say “and you think this, and your BIL looked at me like that, thinking ….”! He’d wear himself out with all these arguments and nobody else even opened their mouths!

      • My son has these conversations with his wife. Reminding her that he didn’t say or do whatever it is that she said was happening.

  • Announcing that she would keep the 20th anniversary ring and wear it around her neck on a necklace as a “reminder of the happy family that we have built” … that, after telling me numerous times after D-Day how unhappy she has been for a long time … confused or what?

    • There is no “truth” with these people. It’s about whatever action fits the narrative of the moment.

      • Well … there is “their truth” and “your truth” … so postmodern 🙂

    • That is such BS. FW#2 (the pyschopath) told me he wanted my wedding ring back (it had 3 lovely diamonds) as a “remembrance” of our time together. I said I was planning on having the stones reworked into a different piece of jewelry, and he went into panic mode, finally bartering me out of the ring with various household items we had accrued during our brief marriage. I remember one item was a rug. At any rate, he reused that ring as an engagement ring for his next ex-wife. So classy.

  • “It’s time for me to move on with my life. And you should too.” WTF??? His devotion up to my blindsided dday still pains me. I’m meh about him but his wake of mental/emotional/financial destruction still has me almost drowning after all these years.

    • Hurt1, I can relate. I, too, was blindsided. My ex was loving, posting pictures of me on facebook with kind comments, and telling me he loved me right up until Dday – and then he turned into someone I didn’t recognize. He refused to see me or talk to me or explain anything. He just ghosted me after 30 years and moved onto his next conquest. It was like he was done with me and dropped me off on the side of the road like a puppy he didn’t want. It still aches inside of me, too.

      They are disordered – there is something so broken inside of them. I’m not saying we should pity them or feel sorry for them. I’m saying they are not worth our looking back. They were a mistake from which we escaped. We should celebrate that and pity their current victim. We are free to make our new perfect life.

      • Duped , so on point ! Mine was introducing me as his better half after we moved back to his old town. He had a great need to be busy , see family a lot to point of abnormal . After the discovery and being caught a second time , I told him there was no coming back from the damage , lies and deceit and I wanted a divorce. He looked as if he had turned to stone in agony , ready to fall into a million pieces. They really have zero conscience for their actions and antics. And hate being discovered! The masters at deception!

    • Yep, it’s not his fault; he’s a force — just like KnaveMan, who can’t control how irresistible he is.
      They’re like black holes.

  • There are soooo many! What to choose, what to choose??
    1) Maybe we can go out to dinner once in awhile. (Hard no)
    2) I don’t know what love is. (Maybe one of the three Amandas or the hundreds of prostitutes can help you with that?)
    3) Some of them were disgusting! (Yet all of them preferable to me? Sicko!)
    4) After you left, I seriously gave alot of thought to a “what the hell, let’s go for unbridled titilation scenario!” But the more I went down that path, the less attractive it felt. It actually began to make me a bit nauseous after a while. (I went on a fuck fest and got a tummy ache. I need for to feel sorry for me that my first instinct was to slick my dick.)
    Oh, I could keep going but why?? ????

    • TDMC
      “Some of them were disgusting”
      I love how they try to triangulate with you against random people you’ve never met or were even aware existed. Or is that the narcissistic lack of individuation so in their mind you were there with them anyway. Mine sent a message to me after d~day declaring “I’ve calmed AP down” in a way which suggested we were in on his hijinx together, and both responsible for managing the fallout. I think the scales fell off my eyes at that moment. Total manipulator.

  • “I want the relationship we had 10 years ago”

    So basically before marriage, kids,
    a mortgage, etc. He was cheating on me back then too! I just didn’t know it.

    • FW told me he missed the girl I’d been when we first started dating. Oh, before you abused me and basically crushed me and took everything that made me me? That girl? I miss her too.

      (Not anymore. I’m wiser now. I got “me” back, but smarted, kinder, and less prone to letting FWs in my life.)

  • When stupidly asking don’t you understand how badly this hurts me? The reply was, “If you’ve never had a broken leg, you just don’t know what one feels like.”

  • I just want to be like the Golden Girls. I don’t want or need a relationship in my life. I just want top be alone.

  • “We didn’t know what marriage was. We were too young.”
    Speak for yourself, FW!
    Poor whittle baby meant he didn’t know he couldn’t control his whittle dickie. We were 24 when we got married.

    • Yeah mine said the same “we got married too young” – ummmmm – you are three years older than me and I fully realized what I was committing to when we got married. Apparently, I just didn’t know WHO I was committing to.

  • Another bizarre one that comes to mind is being in one of the two kitchens on our beach house making dinner with him( we had many guests).
    He wanted a measuring cup and they all somehow made it to the other kitchen, a common dilemma that kept me in shape. He clenched his fists at his side, starting shaking and became so incredibly angry and said for only me to hear, “ you’re the only one that makes me get like this!”
    I guess if Schmoopie was next to him when he couldn’t find a kitchen tool, he would skip with glee to the other kitchen and get it, instead of erupting with pathological anger over it.
    Never knew I had such super powers, maybe it was the carrots I was chopping!

  • “But you said it was okay for me to be polyamorous so long as it wasn’t while I was around you and didn’t tell you about it!” *massive eye roll*

  • Upon receiving notice of our impending divorce, FW sent a text that said..

    ‘wow you’re divorcing me! I thought we would still ride the bike together and you’d cook me my favourite dinner’

    Yeah I blocked him on everything after that and engaged only via my solicitor.

    As we brits say ‘what a fucking wanker’


    • Claire, as a fellow Brit I second your ‘what a fucking wanker’. A couple of weeks ago 62 year old me was breaking up a large shed with a sledgehammer. With every slam of the hammer I pictured FW’s head as the target and said those words out loud. And that shed got demolished in record time.

  • “I never would have thought of HoWorker/Wife unless you hadn’t suggested her”

    “Your dad and you are so lazy”–My dad was a PhD & so is HoWorker/Wife and I was a SAHM mother & attorney.

  • My ex-wife pulled out this sparkling gem: “I may have lied to you. Many times. But that doesn’t make me a liar.”

    And she recently just told our 5-year-old, who asked her why we got divorced: “Your daddy just wasn’t a good fit for me.”

    By “good fit”, I assume she meant that I wasn’t willing to just sit by and twiddle my thumbs while she had affair, after affair, after affair (5 total that I knew about in 10 years),

  • He said “While we were doing it, I was thinking ‘Why doesn’t she do that thing that JCC does?’ – a particular tightening of my pelvic muscles that he enjoyed while we were having sex. I guess a 50+ year old pro in a massage parlor may be kind of loose “down there”. I am envisioning a “hotdog down a hallway” scenario.

    He actually believed he was complimenting me! I don’t think I’ll ever do another Kegel.

  • KnaveMan: “I can’t help that I’m irresistible for many, many women.”
    ???? Not this one.

  • Just wanted to share the latest news from the Velvet Report…

    I am currently experiencing the feelings joy and contentment and peace of mind, having enough and being in the right place. Gratitude. Feelings that are based on facts, not a mirage. Those feelings that you can’t imagine that you will ever feel again when DDay hits.

    It has been almost 5 years, lots of therapy, lots of reading, lots of praying, lots of hanging on and riding out feeling so horrible I did not want to go on, waiting, talking with people I love and trust, putting one foot in front of the other, doing the next right thing, one moment at a time, one day at a time…..with LOTS of help from Chump Lady and Chump Nation.

    I thank all of you.

    You will be OK. Do not harm yourself.
    Love (verb) and care for yourself. Just do today the best you can.

    • Yes! Healing and learning and moving forward. Not every day is without angst but I am able to do as I choose , free from lies abuse and embarrassment ! The only big hick up as of late , schedule if for remote counseling and the receptionist says “I live just down street from you and starts naming others on the street ????‍???? . So , I’m sticking to online ebooks!! And Chump Nation!

  • After I married him for the second time…(I know, I was full of hopium) I keep finding private messages on social media he sent to women he found attractive (most of the time, been left unseen, cringe). He will tell women, “I divorced a few years ago”, leaving the fact that he was currently married to me.
    When questioned, he said, in all honesty, I didn’t told a lie, we DID divorced in 2018.

  • “I did not cheat on you…sexually”
    “if you didn’t cheat on me, then why are you divorcing me?”
    “I have my reasons”

    That’s all I ever got haha

  • When I told him by text that I had discovered the rekindling of his romance with exgfOW: ‘truth and perception are not the same thing’. In this instance they were!

  • My 2 faves out of thousands –
    Him – “She’s my friend, just like (names changed for anonymity) Ed and Joe, no different.” “it bothers me that you don’t want me to be friends with her”
    Me – “Riiiight – you guys are in touch all day all night every day every night – more than everyone else you know put together”
    Him – “No, we don’t talk and text at all”
    Me – (knowing differently, I pay the phone bill) “seriously???”
    Him – Lightning fast swap from building defcon4 tantrum to fake sleeping… Gaslighting and lying saps your energy big time, and you can just lose consciousness, evidently…

    Him – ” I don’t want to feel guilty”.
    Me – “Riiight – maybe break up with her then?
    Him – exits stage right to go complain to side bitch right away. Sigh. What a piece of work….

  • After finding them in a motel room (d-day 3) they both texted me (him directly and her through him): “When you walked through the door, we were just talking about how good we had it at home and how much we love and respect our respected spouses.” Yup, the messed up bedsheets definitely shows that “love” and “respect”. But they also said how weak and flawed they are. Good riddence.

    • Wow. They were at a motel talking about how happy they are with their spouses. LOL

  • He refuses to remove his wedding ring to this day (after 3 years) saying that it is too precious to him. Gives it a kiss or two while saying that as well. ?!?!

  • I am not sure it is cringy. Definitely entitled. We spend 8 monthes of conjugal therapy where I would explain that during my second diagnosed burn out I could not keep doing everything for the kids, the house, ’round the house AND working, and I needed his help or hired help. He kept repeating that he could not do more and was looking forward to things being like before. Which meant me doing it all again, and another burn out for me within a couple months… Reiterated twice a month. Why on earth did I keep going to conjugal therapy for so long?!?

    • I’ve noticed how therapy and counseling for couples hasn’t worked for those in the CN. Perhaps this while “Counseling” as a requirement to fix a marriage is a lie, too.

  • Well, the EX wasn’t very profound. He did try to compose songs while he strummed his guitar, but they were awful. I think the most cringy thing he has going on right now is the tagline on his Facebook page: “A disciple of the Lord Jesus Christ.” He is a big ol’ Jesus cheater.

  • I’m not 100% sure, but I don’t think my FW XW has given me a whole lot of mindfuckery after she exit-affaired me. Of course, my mind’s a little foggy writing this after waking up from a nap unexpectedly (an emergency alert on my phone about a missing 86 yo male across Lake Champlain from me woke me up. Yeah, I wish they could tighten up their emergency alert area radius for things like this, but I do hope the guy is found. I’m just not likely to be much help where I am across a big lake). I’m off from work for a few weeks more than I expected due to me injuring my foot at the end of July. Hard to be a FedEx courier w/a foot injury.

    Right now, the best I can come up w/is one I think I mentioned a few months ago where I think (?) she was trying to Hoover me a little? I’m really not sure. All I know is, it royally pissed me off. Especially since I’ve gotten quite hardcore about greyrock w/her in the last three years since the divorce was made final. If it doesn’t seriously involve the kids? I don’t want to hear from her!????

    She simply texted me a link to an article in our default free weekly state paper about a former boss/owner of the nuclear pharmacy I used to work at. He was an asshole, and I have no doubt he still is (I didn’t need to read the article to think that). The entire ownership/management team for that business was either asshole family or just asshole’s. So glad I got out of there.???? Only took me seven years.????

    He and his family sold their interest in the independent chain of nuclear pharmacy’s they owned to some private equity firm (mine was the first one of their chain) right around the time I left them. I then made the mistake of going back into regular pharmacy for roughly four years (it’s not a good fit for me), and proceeded to burn out in pharmacy in general after 20+ years as a working pharmacist (helped by the sea change in the availability of pharmacy jobs following the 2008 financial crisis and the overpopulation of new pharmacist graduates).

    While I was doing my swan song in regular pharmacy, he stayed on to manage the independent chain for them for a few years (ha!) then got out. I gather he wasn’t happy being a lackey. He is (or was, at least) a multi-millionaire (paying his employees less than they deserved, of course), so he wasn’t suffering, except how to continue to give the world the benefit of his awesomeness?

    This was a guy who admitted to me he went into nuclear pharmacy because it’s mainly diagnostic, not therapeutic work (there is some, but it’s around 75% diagnostic/25% therapeutic). So he wasn’t as worried about hurting a patient w/a mistake as in most branches of pharmacy (which became a very real anxiety for me as I burned out as a pharmacist in the retail pharmacy sector).

    So, he decided to start a local compounding pharmacy (in the wake of the horrible tragedy of the Massachusetts compounding pharmacy doing shitty work on their products and killing or hurting a bunch of people with their poor quality products).

    I was seriously depressed at this point and desperate to try to find some type of job in pharmacy that would pay the bills at that point. I felt useless, and couldn’t figure out how to support the family.

    I almost had a full nervous breakdown when I left pharmacy, and I wasn’t much better at that point. I traded working for a job I now hated doing, which was causing me severe stress, but that paid really well, for no job and no direction as to how to support my family, let alone in the style and status the FW XW had come to expect.

    So I saw my former boss/owner’s ad for a managing pharmacist at his new startup compounding pharmacy, and with much trepidation, I applied. I was so fucking desperate. The FW XW knew this, and knew I had great reservations about working w/him again. I didn’t trust him not to do the same things that caused the Massachusetts tragedy.

    I met with him, and all he wanted to know was why I really left the nuclear pharmacy business. When I asked him about having some oversight in how the place was setup (I had clean room experience), I was informed that god that he was, he needed no help from anybody else in setting up his business. That absolutely killed the prospect for me, and the fact that I had the audacity to ask probably killed it for him, too.

    Long story long (sorry for the excessive length everybody. I’m also getting all this down so if the kids ever ask me about it, I can use this), I didn’t get any call back from him, and we had to downsize and move from where we lived to where I’m stuck now in the same town. Which really limited what we could get, as housing in our town remains very tough, unless you have lots of money.

    We stayed in the same town to save the kids having to deal w/changing schools, but most importantly (!) to allow the FW XW to continue to be the shining star of our local government. She’s now been booted out of our local government (within a few years of her exit-affairing of me, she lost by two votes to another woman. Guess who one of those two votes belonged to!????).

    Instead, she’s now running our state’s Emerge (insert state name here) for advocating and encouraging Democratic women in politics. Funny, I didn’t realize an adulterous woman would be a good candidate for helping develop females with integrity and good ethics for political office. Ah, well. What do I know?????

    So, I guess the article dealing with how my former boss/owner got into hot water w/the FDA for shitty practices at his (for now) defunct compounding pharmacy was her way of telling me I was right when I tried to explain to her following the interview w/him that it was an awful opportunity and that I would be in big trouble if I ever worked at that place (if you can call it an interview)? Even though it would have kept me as a working pharmacist and paid our bills, especially our big mortgage? I really don’t know. I can only guess.

    All I do know is, I don’t need HER anymore to point this shit out to me (if I ever did). Even if I didn’t read this on my own (I might not have), who gives a fuck?! I don’t care about him or that job opportunity anymore (other than it always worried me about him supplying badly compounded drugs to our local hospital and beyond), and I certainly don’t care about her anymore. Only how she continues to be a bad influence on our children.

    The only other thing I can think of right now is she did also express concern for me when I got Covid this spring, and had to suggest that our son stay with her and her AP, now married partner, for the two weeks of my self-quarantine. Not that I believed her or cared. When she got Covid a few weeks ago and asked the same of me, I made sure to tell her I was always there for the kids if they wanted or needed me. As long as I was able to do it. As for whether I expressed concern about her getting Covid? Crickets. If she died, the only thing I would care about is how it would affect the kids. She’s already dead to me.

    Fuck, that was long. Sorry again. Hoping this finds the majority of CN at peace, and making good progress to meh.

    • I wonder if the other vote against her was from an ex schmoopie or wife/gf of a schmoopie.

  • I have so so many:
    1) Had just found out he had impregnated AP who deliberately got pregnant. I say deliberately because i had stumbled upon a text, called her told her that she is being fooled into an affair by a man whose newborn was barely 6 months old. Exactly 3 weeks after this conversation on her ovulation day she called him over for a fuck fest and she got pregnant. Now FW’s mum had found out and in a furious rage had calked the OW and told her she will never ever be accepted into her home. She’d have to be 6 feet under before it happened. AP called FW crying and FW screamed at me and my toddler to get out as he comforted her over the phone. ‘ Can’t you see you and my mother are hurting someone’s daughter?’ WTF! We were no the evil ones for hurting poor pregnant AP
    2) In the aftermath of a failed wreckonviliation that saw me fall pregnant 10 months diwn the line, i decided to move out. He constantly calls about me making him live without his children. Cant i see its hurting him? Why do i have to always bring the AP and affair up?
    3) ‘. You have never ever supported me. She made me feel appreciated.’ This coming from a nan I had been with since i was 18 had known him since i was 13. Supported him when unemployed, when he found out he was conceived from a sexual assualt, when he lived in a tin house with nothing but a sleeping bag on the floor, yet i had my own fully equipped apartment and would still sleep over in the tin iron sheet house with an outhouse. Supported him during family tragedies etc
    4) When i questioned paternity and requested he has the chikd tested because AP had a boyfriend she was cheating on and had slept with FW’s cousin as well. He, for the first time pushed me and screamed’ Even is she has fucked 100 men that baby is mine.’

    That was the final straw . I moved out, found out im pregnant 4 weeks after moving out. He had demanded for all our savings which ended up being stolen 3 weeks after as i had given it in cash. He is constantly sending i love u texts, please forgive me, i treated you like shit give me a chance texts. Turns out AP is shitty, had dumped the baby at his car wash last week because he is buying the baby what he needs instead of giving cash. She had bragged to me about carrying a baby boy and she just found out im due in 2 weeks now with a son and that triggered dumping of the baby at the car wash. She never complained about stuff being bought and paid for. So FW is living his misery out once again in a studio, with an abandoned toddler. On the other hand i am healing, putting my life together as i await baby no 2 in 2 weeks. No stress, no drama. No shitty AP’s. No anxiety, no more paranoia, no self doubt, no people pleasing. Taking back my power a day at a time for my children’s sake

      • I camp here every day to get the grit needed to stay the course and CN has come through for me in mighty ways through encouraging testimonies of gaining a life!!

    • SBS, I’m so glad you are healing and away from that abusive lunatic. Congratulations in advance on your new baby. I suggest you leave FWs name off the birth certificate, since it seems clear he won’t be paying child support and because he physically assaulted you. He is not a safe person to be around the baby. If he wants to prove paternity he’s going to have to get a lawyer, which Car Wash Guy likely can’t afford.

      • Oh i will because i have plans to switch jobs and move . Having his name on the BC will only complucate my visa application process. I wish him the best with that situation. No longer my circus

  • A letter from him written when wreckonciliation was foundering:

    Dear [Adelante],

    I know, longer the wait, the more the anxiety builds. So I’ll start out
    simply by saying this is just a letter, there’s nothing new or momentous
    in it.

    One reason I have waited so long is the hope that I might figure
    something out that would make things better. Or at least I might
    recover enough to send something upbeat. Neither of those things has
    happened, nor was it reasonable to expect them to. I’m sure it has been
    quite apparent that I’m not in good shape: the year was endless and
    painful and I’m tired and depressed. And of course I’m worried
    about us. But “if you can’t say anything good, don’t say anything at
    all” has not been a strategy that has worked for me particularly well
    over the years, especially with you. So I’m writing, sans insight and
    sans good cheer. Trying to communicate.

    I look back to the good parts of last summer–I know, there were other
    parts too–and I wonder how or if we can get that back. The sheer
    creativity of that time is far from the least thing that I miss: I can’t even write in my journal, to
    speak of: I’ll start an entry, kvetch a little bit, and then stare at
    the blankness. At some point, we’re going to have to figure out
    what we can be to each other, sexually.

    I think maybe what I’m trying to do in this letter, which can’t be much
    fun to read, is not so much to share my pain as to just bottom out: to
    acknowledge what a low point I’m coming from, in hopes of building from
    there. The crucial fact for the moment isI’m tired and demoralized, and it’s going to take some time to build up
    energy and creativity. I hope you will be patient with me.


    • “At some point, we’re going to have to figure out
      what we can be to each other, sexually”

      There ya have it – fuckwit’s focus. Smh. #missedthewholedamnpoint

      • Buried the lede there a bit. Though obviously the long suffering woeful whine is also the point. He plants his flag on Victim Mountain and crowns himself Numero Uno King Victim for all eternity. And none shall usurp his claim!

    • Wow. That one needs to be sent through the UBT, Adelante. It’s all self-gratifying monologue with flippant insults thrown in:

      “If you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything at all” is a strategy that has worked for me, especially with you”.

      You have got to be kidding me.

      Completely devoid of any real information.

      • Oops, I read that too quickly. It said “has NOT worked well with you.”
        It’s still a sideways insult though.

  • “I’m a cheetah and you’ve kept me on a chain”.

    That one makes me chuckle to this day. Lol

    • Queen Chump, please! I’m picturing Austin Powers. This is a cheater caption waiting for a cartoon.

      • Ha!
        And interesting that he chose a CHEETAH. Not a tiger, not a lion…a “cheat-ah”. The subconscious works in mysterious ways.

  • He had a lot of gems, but the most eye-rolling was – “the fact that I was hiring sugar babies just proves how much I love you and that we’re soul mates. I had no interest in another relationship or replacing you, that’s why I’d just hire hookers”. He couldn’t understand why I didn’t find that a testament to our love.

    • The EX said almost exactly the same! He bragged that he didn’t even know his AP’s name, she was just a hooker, etc… as if that would make me say, “Oh, you really love me then!” It actually shocked me even more. HE threw away our marriage for someone whose name he didn’t even know? And how could he be sure she wasn’t trafficked? He just shrugged and said, “It was a business deal. I got what I wanted, and she got some money.” Ewwwww.

      • Same. In fact, mine said he’d know if she was trafficked RME. Mine went on to say he was doing me a favour by hiring hookers because I was so busy with working, the kids, the house (leaving out how I was so busy because he did nothing to help), so that it would be one less thing for me to worry about lol! You see, he was doing it all for me. Scary thing is I’m sure he believed he was being noble.

  • “Marriage is just a social construct”.

    We’d been married 9yrs, and had 2 young kids. I recall him being the one to propose and wanting a “traditional family wedding”.

    He also shared on social media that him having an affair with a co-worker and blowing up his family was a “unique situation”.


    • What is this social construct shit. Isn’t pretty much everything uncivilized society a social construct.

    • Isn’t it interesting that their twu-luv is almost exclusively someone from work? Out of billions in this world, they find their soul-mate in the same office. This alone tells me how ridiculous they are.

      • NFV….Never thought of it like that…feel kind of stupid for not having thought of it like that after all this time…but how true! This somehow makes me feel better.

        • DfY, they are deluding themselves, until the shine wears off. The next soul mate will probably be someone from work as well…

  • I can’t believe I put up with FW for years *before* dday. People would shake their heads ruefully and say, “b&r, how do you do it?” After ddayS – plural?! I will never fully comprehend what was wrong with me.

    One of FW’s recurrent complaints against me was that I wouldn’t forgive him for that time he told me (while cheating but 7 years before I learned about it) that if it came down to it and he had to choose between killing his sister, his mother or me — he’d kill me. He never gave a genuine apology, nor could he acknowledge what a hateful, fucked up thing that was to say. HE was the one to keep bringing it up — when he’d done something and wanted to shift the blame — because he actually thought he was the one who’d been wronged. On dday2, instead of accepting responsibility for all the pain he’d caused me, he screamed, “at least I’m not a murderer! At least I’m not a Rapist!” I’ve shared this before, but he balked at being asked to get rid of *some* of the mementos collected over years of secret affairs by saying, “It’s my personal history! You know how I am about that stuff. Hitler was a monster, but that doesn’t mean we should just throw away all Nazi paraphernalia.” I wish I had imagined this stuff. How can he tell himself he’s a “good person” who “deserves to be happy”?

    One that I can laugh about — now: In response to my raw pain and anger on dday3, FW admonished me with “that’s not nonviolent communication” and “you claim to want to lead an examined life.” This from an alcoholic, physically abusive serial cheater who conned me for years, lied to get me back, and never stopped lying. In that moment, I’ll admit I did want to kill him.

    • Hey, B&R, this is way late but I hope you’re still reading.

      The Hitler analogy is unintentionally apt on his part.
      People who collect Nazi paraphernalia are either WW2 historians or neo-Nazis. Of course people don’t want Nazi mementos around FFS. Gross! Unless he’s creating a museum of cheater history, keeping cheater mementos is just another sign of how much he loves to cheat. What an asshole.

      Forgive yourself for putting up with him. What he put you through is on him, not you.

  • I think I’ve shared this one before, but it’s worth repeating…
    “I want to be with somebody for whom honesty isn’t as important.” Umm… good luck w/that buddy. I wonder if he included that in his vows to the new wife appliance?

  • “I’m not your Noam Chomsky.”

    That one came out of left field in the middle of one his DARVO tantrums before D-Day. I’m left to guess what it meant. FW was raised Euro-Socialist but mysteriously started spouting Trump apologias while bonking a Jesus-cheater AP with a Trumpian family. It seems pretty clear that FW’s ideological switcheroo betrayed a lack of core self. He would just be whomever he had to be to get what he wanted. Before D-Day, his closest work friend confronted FW after hearing FW toss off one too many semi-positive remarks about Trump’s policies. The friend tore down FW’s hypocrisy so brutally that it left FW shaking and in tears. Then he swung the other way and ran out to get a bunch of lefty books that he never read– just to show how “deeply” he took any position.

    But I think another element in this was that FW had been mirroring me and my values for decades and had been pretty much pretending to be Noam-ish or at least the common perception of Chomsky: intellectual social justice warrior, devoted dad and husband, opposed to any form of exploitation, etc. I’m sure the mask started to feel very constrictive once he began to mirror someone with reverse values. Rather than admit to himself that he was aggressively being a fraud, he tried to imply that ogre-me had somehow been brainwashing poor floppy FW and forcing him into a restrictive mold! Plus I’d once had an interesting three day email exchange with Dr. Chomsky after asking him to verify a quote. I’d never realized how threatening that must have been to FW, as if he’d been gifting me with knock-off Chanel N°5 for years and I’d finally gotten a whiff of the real deal.

    Anyway, it felt like the reveal scene in a soap opera– FW throws off his fake persona as if it was shackles and victoriously announces, “I’m a shallow pig who exploits everyone and never read a book cover to cover! And I likes it!”

    • This is interesting, HOAC, as my ex constantly shape-shifted, which to me demonstrated his lack of core self. He unconsciously adopted the mannerisms of whomever he was with, down to unconsciously imitating their turns of phrases and posture. I always knew that he didn’t love ME; he just needed somebody/anybody to fill the role of adoring partner. For various reasons I’m absolutely convinced he was a victim of clergy sexual abuse, and I’ve always wondered if that might be the cause for his lack of concrete self. Hmmmm…

    • HOAC – have you read The Way of Integrity by Martha Beck? It goes into how damaging this type of duplicity is, the effects it can have on our physical wellbeing as well how it influences the decisions we make – it’s truly fascinating stuff.

  • During our second marriage counseling session after she came home from her drug-sex bender with an ex boyfriend the counselor told my ex she needed to do some real soul searching about what she did and figure out how to regain my trust. My ex got furious and said, “what about him!??!!” We never went back to counseling 🙂

  • “My thinking just didn’t keep up.”

    If this isn’t a dead give away for someone living a double life then I don’t know what is! This is what he said to me when things started to implode for him. I confronted him about lie after lie and this was his answer. Never one ounce of being contrite. He was more concerned that he fucked up and his house of cards tumbled. Classic sociopathic move.

  • Mine told me that he was never faithful to me for our entire relationship and he didn’t understand why I was upset now (after I found out) when it had been fine.

  • We’re not even divorced yet and he left me at his parents house where we were living after the pandemic because he just doesn’t have what it takes to be a good person. In fact, I’m not sure he is a person. He had to come back here as well because his girlfriends parents know he cheated on his wife and they don’t like him – just like being the loser teenager again, awesome dude congratulations. btw he’s told them all he’s already divorced when we’re not until October unfortunately it’s in a different county so even if they looked they wouldn’t see it. He’s now living upstairs in the same house and has decided he would bring his girlfriend over to stay the night. He absolutely makes me want to vomit and so does this idiot he’s with believing every word he says. It’s pathetic. So I’m stuck here, still married having to deal with this absolute p.o.s. bringing his girlfriend over now while I work my ass off trying to live and get out of here because he left me with nothing. This is the most disgusting thing I think anyone has ever put me through. This marriage was clearly a sham, it seems like he came into my life only to harm me. This is my life so I wouldn’t doubt that. I think that some people are really just terrible people and there’s nothing that could change that. Nothing. I don’t care if he’s anything anymore, happy, sad, glad, remorseful- who cares – what I care about is my own well-being and getting the hell away from this nightmare of a person. I truly think it makes him feel good about himself to try to cause pain to me when I’ve only tried to be the best I could be to him. In life, I never did anything to deserve anything like this at all and I’ll never say I did. The only thing I’ve done is allow people to get comfortable with disrespecting me and then when I finally stand up for myself, I’m the “horrible person”

    • Just wanted to say glad you’re here at CL and your STBX sucks. I hope to read about it when you’re finally able to get out!

  • She told me he was a better man for her because they had so much in common.
    I said, “like what???”
    I kid you not, her response was “family values.”

    • Kinda reminds me about what WW said about whether she was marrying her AP after we get divorced. “I can’t because of my religion”!!!

  • “You never BELIEVED in me!” Said after I had encouraged his dream of being an entrepreneur (to mirror his daddy’s success), gave up my own academic and employment opportunities where we were living to move our household and two school-aged children across country *by myself* (he was too busy setting up his business he’d later chosen to share with his beloved). His furor came from my telling him — with evidence — how he was being taken advantage of by her, and stating that I was confident she would take him to the cleaners financially and emotionally.

    After doing most everything I shouldn’t have (pick me, beg, etc.), I filed for divorce and insisted on a lump-sum payout, rather than alimony/child support = smartest financial thing I ever did. Guess whose “business partner” stopped coming to work (he had the nerve to try to cry on my shoulder!). Guess whose daddy had to bail him out (and pay for the divorce settlement). He eventually remarried someone else and told me (why?? I have to clue) the wedding “was painless.” As if I cared!

    Meh is wonderful.

  • FW insisted I return to marital house for an in-person conversation. I thought maybe he was going to finally come clean about the affair. Instead of denial and gaslighting, he pulled out sad sausage word salad. He explained he didn’t feel like himself, that he felt more connected to his (many) friends who had passed on. Chumpy me added grief to the possible explanations for his behavior. It was, instead, a rare and thinly veiled admission of guilt as he was fucking his best friend’s widow. I kept my appointment with the movers the following week.

  • I knew I could never trust you! (That was rich after being married 26 and together 33 yrs and he cheated the entire time plus add all the other illegal dealings he initiated or participated in that he gushed about. I was never impressed) he lived for drama and chaos. Actually his entire family did.
    I didn’t do it because you only had one breast.
    All you care about are the kids.
    You are to blame for this too!
    You’re a sorry wife!
    My dad would have kicked you out years ago!

    • You’re gay.
      You’re soooo non sexual.
      You’re having an affair with x (who was opposite sex so where did the gay part go.)

      Any excuse or blame was fair game for him. He could cut people to the quick verbally and physically at times but absolutely could not take any slights or criticisms himself.

    • Yeah 27 for me and apparently we were on different paths?! I didn’t know that when we was having sex regularly and his loving texts and messages right up until dday clearly don’t show that.

  • We always talked about how compatible we were. We had so much to talk about, common interests, similar cultural backgrounds. He always said that it is a rare thing to find, and many people in this world do not experience it. “I don’t know what I did to deserve you, I am so lucky”. Yes, this was him getting emotional talking about his love to me all the time.
    After dd he became a robot, no emotions, no reactions. When I mentioned him about the rare connection we found, he told me that he likes skiing but I do not like it.
    It is not like we live in the Alps.We live in an area that is hot and humid year around. He may be goes to skiing once a year for a few days, and I always accompany him.

    • Sounds like mine. We shared a religious and cultural background, were always on the same page raising the children. We shared one hobby, and she doens’t have many interests beyond that. AP is polar opposite in values and religion etc… Maybe she was just lying to me the whole time. I don’t think she really does have any deeply held beliefs…

  • In the midst of my ex’s cheating 3 years ago he was accusing me of cheating on him with this guy on our commuter bus that I (apparently) looked at for too long one day. I did look at the guy, but it was because I thought he was one of my coworkers from another office and I stopped looking at him immediately after deducing he wasn’t my coworker, but my ex started so many fights with me based on that one incident. Meanwhile, he was having an EA with one of his coworkers and keeping pictures of another one in her bikini on his phone and jerking off to them. During one of these fights, he made a cryptic, new agey comment saying “I have a feeling we’ll end up divorced but still best friends, kind of like your parents. I’ve always felt spirit was leading us in that direction.” Uh huh sure…”spirit” is leading you in that direction, and definitely not Rachel from admin who told you I don’t know how to treat a man just because I asked you kindly to not let our home warranty and trash bill lapse. Sure.

    • During his affair, FW accused me of cheating on him with every man that crossed my path. Once I put something on Facebook about how a guy had catcalled me and followed me in his car while I was walking and it had really scared me, and I kid you not, FW was like “why don’t you fuck him and have him be [son’s] dad?” (during a conversation where I had said something about the fact that I felt like he was trying to get our son to spend a lot of time with OW to make it easier for FW to introduce her as a “mother”). Another time I smiled and waved to a (male) coworker while I was in FW’s car and he accused me of wanting to sleep with the guy (uh, NO). Made small talk with a guy sitting next to me in the bar (there was literally one seat available so I took it, it was nothing to do with the man sitting there) and FW accused me of humiliating him by “flirting” while at a restaurant where we regularly went (except…he often took OW there on dates).

      They really are ridiculous.

  • “All you ever wanted was a nice house”. Say what? “One time you went into someone’s house and said “this is a nice house”.” At this stage the penny finally dropped that I’d been married to a complete moron.

    “You like sweeping the porch”. It’s true. I do.

    “Her father was murdered”. I found out later he wasnt. Ex had to mop away her tears with his lubed up dong. The genesis of the love affair ~ at a funeral for a different “father” (evidently APs mother was also a hornbag hence the succession of dead or dying fathers) ~ reminded me so much of Will Ferrell’s character in Wedding Crashers. Amusingly someone told me a chap went to give the grieving APs mother a peck on the cheek and she went in for a full blown snog. I mean who doesnt get hot under the collar when their husband’s casket is lowered into the ground.

    “I guess we’ve both done things we said we wouldnt (his being having a double, perhaps triple life, and mine being seeking child support when he continued trying to control me financially).

    I am now fighting to stay in the nice house so I can sweep the porch in peace.

  • I thought of another bizarre one. I was getting so excited about us retiring to our new beach house that I made a list of 40 some odd things I wanted to do in retirement. When I showed him the list, he said that’s almost exactly what his list would include. After D-day number 300 and during the divorce chaos, I brought up that list to him again when he claimed we had grown apart and had nothing in common anymore. His response was that yes, he wanted to do all those things on the list, but “not the same way you want to do them.”
    I hadn’t realized there were multiple ways to play golf.

    • C45 – It amazes me that cheaters can lie and future fake when a longtime spouse is clearly a loving partner. I now look for reciprocity in all my relationships.

  • “AP says you’re too controlling” because I didn’t want her contacting him. Oh wait, this wasn’t post d-day. That facebook message he sent her about “Send daddy a picture of those xxx panties” was a prank by his son that I totally misunderstood.

    • The too controlling line seems to be one of their most used lines?! However it translates to ‘I want to fuck someone else and cheat without you noticing or questioning what I’m doing behind your back’

  • 1. Ahhhhh the I need to have an open marriage over and over and over and over again… that and I NEED this toy we could not afford.
    2. You can’t work more you need to be here for the kids. (I took like 10 freelance clients on the side to save to get away.)
    3. When I asked for help with our addicted teenager as I take the healthy teenager out of state to look at colleges he screamed, You are manipulating me.
    4. He told everyone he saw I was poisoning him with chemicals in his food. He told this to my kids who both said we are fine. She loves us all. (Good kids)
    5. When I ran to a hotel in fear for two days and then to my new apt he got home from work at 6pm he never called to ask where we were!!!! He called at midnight. It was a school night… your family is not home at all and you don’t notice! Guess not. Discard much…
    6. Our son was hit by a car at high speed on a bicycle. In the hospital we were in a private waiting room for people whose loved one is close to death. He sat there watching MMA fighting on his phone and pontificated how his knees hurt as he took up running at 57. He left as out as kid hit surgery and I stayed all night alone.
    7. When said kid after his 4th surgery was told he needed his knee rebuilt my ex pontificated why did the kid need such an extensive surgery he wasn’t an athlete or anything………….

    • We had similar experiences. I’m happy we’re both away from that abuse.
      We left in the middle of the night after he raged at me in bed. I was terrified he was going to shoot me as it was dark and he kept multiple loaded guns on his side of the bed. I became skilled at smooth breathing and not moving. He rambled around and thankfully left spewing gravel. I took the kids and left. He called the next morning so I guess he didn’t come home. The first thing he said when I answered was, “ I didn’t know you were so non sexual.” I gave a reply that shut him up. Unfortunately, I went back but left for good months later in the middle of the night with help from the womens shelter when he was out of town.
      One child had surgery and he made it only because it was delayed an hour. The kid waited all day for him to show and cried saying he thought his dad would want to spend time with him before. It still breaks my heart. I was through making excuses at that point and just said I’m so sorry. The people taking him to surgery looked away. His excuse was he fell asleep watching a movie. He was freshly showered. My guess was a gf or prostitutes. My other kid was at my moms because they refused to stay with him. Thank god for the Ronald McDonald house because I also didn’t have any money for food.
      Same kid had an accident where I took him to participate with his team in an activity. I got the blame for that. He didn’t contribute a dime towards his bills and was present for one of 5 surgeries and promptly left before recovery. He visited twice one being Christmas Day without any of the gifts I had already bought. 2 weeks in two different hospitals with extensive rehab for months. He had his friend build a ramp which was his contribution. I hate him for those two things alone.

      • In relation to the first surgery. After he finished recovery and we were in his room it was close to midnight. I was exhausted because he woke me up at 2 the previous morning sick. The ex said he was hungry and I replied me too. He wanted me to go to the cafeteria for us both. It’s a huge hospital. I said no thanks I’ll wait. He just left without saying anything. I ate crackers the kid had left over. My brother called and offered to bring us something but I refused since it was so late and we were a good bit away.
        Later the ex showed up with cold food for me while he sat and had a hot meal in town. I was already passed out, woke and took a bite. I was unappreciative.

  • I know SO many of you have heard this overused BS.
    “Physical touch is my love language “. As if I was depriving him of something. I had sex with him all the way up until he couldn’t do anything any more. He had profound erectile dysfunction even with maximum medication.
    Like that’s MY fault.

    Ask him what MY love language is, he wouldn’t be able to tell you. Of course not. Because it’s all about him and his dick. Of course it is.
    You know he blames me for not being exciting to him anymore.
    You know what’s not exciting? Being treated like an easily replaced wife appliance. Being invisible and muted. Being treated like an annoying pet.
    You all know what I’m talking about. The day he moved out was the happiest fucking day of my life.

    Later I found out he was hitting on his female cousin (while still in the house with me and very nobly saying he was willing to reconcile). Also found out he molested his younger sisters when he was in high school.
    This is a lot to deal with after being married to and raising children with this person. I was married to an incestuous pervert. Great.
    Of course, “God has forgiven him”.
    What else am I going to find out!?

  • He said “I cannot ask you to forgive me because I have not forgiven myself”, never an I am sorry

  • Ex is a serial cheater (12+ partners) who also had an ongoing affair for 7 years: “Brene Brown says that we shouldn’t feel shame, so I refuse to feel bad about what I did. I’m a still good person!”

  • Found out he was cheating after a random girl sent me an Instagram message that he was married to a Russian stripper.

    We had been together 3 years. Within minutes I had the photos of them, her first and last name and proof they were living together.

    I was armed in evidence and made the call to him, to confront. First he denied, then he minimized, then he said:

    “No good deed goes unpunished.”

    As he tried to explain that he was just trying to help her get a green card.

    Then kept repeating “No good deed goes unpunished.. I’m a nice guy!”

    Pfffft.. Boy bye.

  • My cheater’s mindfuckery was pretty textbook but mindfuckery just the same: “we were living as roommates. Honestly I thought it wouldn’t even matter to you.”

    Really? When I was living with roommates back in college and in my early 20s when I met a man I really liked I told my roommates about it. That’s how you behave with roommates. I think the reason why you didn’t tell me about it is because I WAS NOT your roommate. I was still your WIFE, you stupid douche.


  • About a year ago, a man who eschewed social media, who I used to know (and loved very, very deeply for over thirty years) posted a long copy and paste diatribe about how terrible cancer is.

    After he gave me two STIs after fucking one of my childhood friends for a year and a half. One of which was a particularly aggressive strain of HPV.

    That turned into cervical cancer.

    That I had surgery, followed by radiotherapy for, two weeks after he left me for Schmoopie number two (or nine, or fourteen, I dunno.)

    Nice way to nearly kill the mother of your children, who only ever had sex with you her entire life. And never once ask the adult kids how Mum is.

    But hey, cancer’s a right bastard, eh?

    Such an empath.

  • D-Day confession from my FW……”While we were going through a sexual low patch, I experimented…..with men.” Turns out that “experimentation????????” was 40+ hookups with with rando men from grindr and craigs list over the course of our 21 year marriage that began THE FIRST YEAR OF MARRIAGE. When I finally got my wits about me and some good therapy and psycho-ed I started to stand up for myself, refusing to be blamed for his fuckery. That’s when I got the classic…”Well it took two to tango.” Yes! it takes two to tango but only one closeted narcissist to break up a marriage. Am I right?

  • “I am envious of homeless people. To not have any responsibilities but your next meal…” I ask, what about our kids? “Oh the kids are different. I’m not sure why.”

    “Oh, BTW, I’m poly and I want to keep you both. Look at all these articles from random internet ‘spiritual leaders’ that justify it in our faith!”

    I’m so thankful he had the affair. I would have continued to tolerate his alcoholism and emotional abuse otherwise. Now I can look back on all of it with a fresh, clear perspective.

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