Five Months Pregnant and He Announces He’s Getting His ‘Needs’ Met Elsewhere
Hi Chump Lady,
A little about my situation: I’m five and a half months pregnant with my and my boyfriend of four years’ much wanted first baby. This has not been an easy pregnancy — I bled daily for the first three months and suffered horrendous sickness (barely able to keep down a meal, I lost weight), the sickness has abated a little, but it remains quite frequent. I’ve had acid reflux, along with recurring UTIs that have meant I have been on antibiotics for pretty much the entire pregnancy. I have also been diagnosed with a different kind of infection that threatens the baby and will mean I need intravenous antibiotics through and following labour. I have also had covid-19, and just generally felt quite poorly for much of the time.
In addition, I work full-time (have had only two days absent) as the breadwinner for our family. We have recently found out our landlord is selling our home, and will have to relocate as we can’t afford to live in our current location due to price hikes.
As you can imagine, I’ve not felt particularly sexy during this last five months or so. Our sex life has drastically changed, with sex daily or every other day now scaled back to once or twice a week (and honestly only then because I feel I must). I have completely, given my heightened senses and gag reflex, gone off of oral sex (my uti’s mean I’m not too keen on receiving either).
About a week ago, my boyfriend — who can’t stop telling me how excited he is for the baby, what a trooper I am and how much he loves me – announced he would be seeking the services of a prostitute because he can no longer go without (particular oral) sex. Yesterday, he left the house and when he returned told me he had been ‘seen to’ by the prostitute and was now ‘satisfied’ for the time being.
This is devastating and unacceptable to me. I know I cannot continue in the relationship, but have no idea how to untangle myself from the man I considered my rock and life partner. I know he will be distraught at losing me and the family we had planned. Our families will be devastated, and I am mortified at the thought of sharing what’s happened with my or his parents. I cannot get my head around how his ‘need’ for a blow job supersedes our family’s need for trust and stability. I can’t understand how he could not do without oral for a year or so while my body is ravaged by pregnancy symptoms, in order we can bring a baby into a loving and stable environment.
I can’t stop swinging between anger and tears, and at points in the last 24 hours have felt pain in my uterus making me worried for the safety of the baby. My boyfriend is indifferent, as if I am overreacting to a very normal chain of events.
Any advice you can give please to pick myself up off the floor?
Babymummachump
****
Dear Babymummachump,
I’m having a hard time composing sentences to reply to your letter, because my inner Vinnie would like to throttle your boyfriend with a threaded pipe. And then as he sat there, gripping his kidneys, spitting up blood, I’d demand he be sexy.
Minus his dental work. Bloodied. In pain. Be sexy.
NOW.
Is that scenario cruel? That’s what you’re living. You didn’t get yourself pregnant. But you’re suffering, in pain, and discomfort, for a situation that he helped create. You’re the only one sacrificing — and he’s placing MORE demands on you instead of lightening your load. Worse, he is ABUSING YOU.
Before we get into his charming hooker habit, let’s discuss the deadbeat problem. You’re the sole breadwinner? Are you fucking kidding me? Who’s paying for Bambi to suck his dick? YOU?
This man is leeching off of you. The good news is, you’ve already learned to live without his financial contribution. Which is probably how this scenario will continue — with child support he won’t pay. I know you’re not ready to hear it, but if I were you, unmarried, having bred with a fuckwit, I would not put him on the birth certificate and I would talk to a lawyer about custody and terminating his parental rights. He can see this child at YOUR discretion, but preferably not at all.
All because he wants to bang hookers, Tracy? Isn’t that a bit harsh? Doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to be a father.
I’m looking down the long arc of parenting. What’s best for Babymummachump and child? Get out while the getting is good. Before he can model his abuse to a child.
Yesterday, he left the house and when he returned told me he had been ‘seen to’ by the prostitute and was now ‘satisfied’ for the time being.
Vinnie thwacks his head. Brain matter spatters on the pavement. He’s satisfied for the time being.
Excuse me. Back to you. THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE.
You are not a sexual vending machine. He doesn’t get to insert his dick every time he wants a treat. You are not obliged to fuck him. Especially not when you’re SICK with UTIs and God knows what else, in your second trimester.
You MATTER. His flaming entitlement can go jerk itself off.
recurring UTIs that have meant I have been on antibiotics for pretty much the entire pregnancy. I have also been diagnosed with a different kind of infection that threatens the baby
Talk to your gyno. Get a full STD test. It sounds like he’s been fucking prostitutes throughout your pregnancy. I’m so sorry.
I know I cannot continue in the relationship, but have no idea how to untangle myself from the man I considered my rock and life partner.
He is NOT your rock. He’s an anchor. A despicable human being. His dick is more important than your health or your child’s health.
I know he will be distraught at losing me and the family we had planned.
He will be distraught at losing your paycheck.
He will be distraught at the loss of his image of Family Man.
He does not care about you or the family you planned. That’s obvious from his behavior.
Our families will be devastated, and I am mortified at the thought of sharing what’s happened with my or his parents.
This isn’t your shame to bear. You tell them, “I ended it, because he’s been endangering my health by seeing prostitutes during my pregnancy. That’s a deal breaker.”
I cannot get my head around how his ‘need’ for a blow job supersedes our family’s need for trust and stability.
You can’t understand it because you’re not a pathetic cum stain of a person.
I can’t understand how he could not do without oral for a year or so while my body is ravaged by pregnancy symptoms, in order we can bring a baby into a loving and stable environment.
Well, his “doing without” is not your problem any more. He can do without you sucking his dick and paying his bills, and putting your body through hell to birth a child.
You WILL bring a baby into a stable and loving environment — because YOU bring love and stability. Not him.
If he gets angry?
You’re getting your needs met elsewhere.
I am so angry on behalf of babymummachump! I hope she listens to CL and kicks that abusive FW to the curb!!!
Your landlord selling the house is a blessing as now you’re forced to move. Don’t move with him.
If possible she should move in with her parents. I am sure they would share the outrage CN is feeling right now. Thank God she didn’t marry this creep or she’d be liable for alimony. He’s a bum and a louse that is feeling confident Babymummachump will put up with anything because she is pregnant. Babymummachump he has shown you who he is…a good for nothing bum that is just fine with his pregnant girlfriend supporting his lazy ass and apparently now feels he has carte blanche to cheat. Oh and don’t think for a moment this was his first time cheating…I think it will come to light he’s been cheating all along.
The recurring UTIs point to him having cheated before.
Absolutely
For years my gynecologist was trying to figure out why am I having so many infections. Am I allergic to condoms? We have talked about 10001 options.
The only option we haven’t discussed was my husband fucking randos and hookers.
Before I got pregnant, during my two pregnancies and after.
Who would jeopardize LIFE of a wife & children?!?
Well, my husband had no issue with that.
After I demanded the STD testing ( I wanted to know if his presence in any way dangerous ) and he received a negative results, his reaction left me speechless
With a smirk he said “ you see? You were overreacting, I told you I was careful “
Ugh…
When I was married and before we had our child, I kept on getting UTI and yeast infections. After the kid was born, I didn’t want to go back on birth control, and since XAss refused to get a vasectomy, I insisted we use condoms. Huh, after that I stopped getting the UTI’s and infections. Imagine that.
Same Exact Experience. 52 year old man child never wanted kids. ME: he had the luxury of me having an IUD. IUD had expired after 10 years. I wanted a tubal. But sinceI was 39 I had to sign government forms claiming I don’t want a child. I had a hysterosalpingiogram Yes Painful. Only one doctor in San Diego does them because the men don’t use twilight anesthesia. I was on dialysis at the time, so if one sperm gets out or and std, I am fucked. The baby man said he would get one then changed his mind. All I did was give him a business card. Im not doing the work for you! Look at how many times I have needles in my arms 3x a week for 4 hours. And Mammone could not get an easy snip. Its free (and smart) in the Navy where its done for free with just ice. So yes we went the awful condom route that stank, was expensive, and reminded me of high school. He refused to get a teeny tiny snip! I MADE him take me to the hospital and watch as much as they allow, while the guide wires are measuring my fundus and Fallopian tubes.. I was about get a kidney transplant any day now as I was at the top of my list. But he had already been fucking AND Dating his co-worker. I have never felt pain and betrayal like lat in my life. Im sure he was a chameleon. His family supports me and they are wonderful. They say, that he was never raised to be such a dirty scumbag. Well he is. As soon as I presented proof of same old ho-worker, the anger came and he blamed me for everything! He wouldn’t let me take my cats back. I took all the groceries I bought back because I knew its survival time. I had no where to go. I told him togo to his 42′ sailboat which is listed as a second house. He said NO. So much projection, and gaslighting. I have never been discarded and betrayed the that my entire life. He was perfect for the first three years and I loved our friends. This is what sociopaths do to you. They don’t give a fuck about you. Its all about image management. Well his friends can take it ir leave it. I know who I am. I haven’t trusted a date in 3 years. Partly bc of covid and mostly because my kidney transplant. He could never understand the the strength I have. # months later he had another floozy. Poor lady. she will see soon enough. He comes first. Could do his vasectomy in his sleep. my god. Karma will find some woman to have triplets with. There goes all of his money. Idiot.
I’m so sorry, Margaret…you didn’t deserve that at all.
My situation has some similarities to yours (him not wanting kids, the ho-worker).
Sending love and comfort to you!
OMG, Margaret. I’m sorry. ????
What a complete waste of DNA that guy is. I hope your kidney health is better now.
I don’t trust enough to date either, and it’s not just Covid. It’s almost like I used up all my trust on the FW and have none left.
⬆️ That is the first thing I thought of. It is a blessing because you and the baby you’re carrying and caring for get to move out without him.
I’m very sad to say that he probably will NOT “be distraught at losing me and the family we had planned”. We chumps tend to project our feelings onto scum that don’t have any. I think everyone here will agree that YOU cared, and tried and planned while he sat back and let you think this was his plan as well.
Many of us would be thrilled if we could extract our cheaters from our children’s lives.
Examine for a moment what he would bring to your child’s life? Commitment? No.
Pure love and respect for their mom? No.
Pure love and respect for your child? No. No loving father would put their future child’s health at risk.
Teach them a strong work ethic? No.
Morality? No.
How to be responsible with money? No.
I’m sure you get the point.
This freak is a leech and he has your mind so twisted in the blender that you cannot think straight. But part of you is strong enough to have written to Chump Lady. Please take her advice and leave the trash on the curb while you move to a new, safe environment.
This will probably be the hardest thing you ever do! But you’re now responsible for a soon to be new life who deserves to start life with just a strong, proud mother and a fuckwit-free environment.
I would find a new place and get friends to move me out fast so he doesn’t even know where I went. lol
OMG, dump this guy NOW!!!! Where is he getting money for hookers???? Hopefully you are not paying for this habit. He should be using his money to get baby things and to pamper you during this time not on his dick! You are being abused!!! Get out now!!!!! This guy goes above and beyond any FW. Your life will not get worse, it will get better. Family and friends will get over your breakup. Get rid of the scum NOW!!!!!
He does do some low paid work and contributes to expenses like foodand social events, and has for the vehicle we share. I pay rent and utilities (and also contribute to food and social events). I guess I know now why he doesn’t ever seem to have money for basic expenses like bills/rent.
I really hope that you will set your emotions aside and listen to us. People like him play the long game. They see we are good “supply,” meaning they can have a caring person “stupid” enough to be manipulated by them. That’s how they see us. I first came to CL many years ago and sadly took the cheater back. Learned the lesson even harder the next round. I hope for your child’s sake and the self dignity that exists within you that you can see or at least hear what we see clearly from the outside. We have no ties to this man, so we see the data. This man has used you, he does not have empathy for you, he may have put you and your baby at further risk (the infection your child has is hopefully not STD related). I didn’t think I had any mighty in me when I left. Just one step at a time. Please don’t repeat my mistakes and leave him now. He cheated. With a prostitute. While you were pregnant. God knows what he has done behind your back.
Please please listen to folks here.
Go live with your parents for a bit if you can. Tell them the truth. They will help you move. Leave now. If you stay it will never be the right time. Or he will just get better at hiding things. My bet is he’s had ‘friends’ for a long time as his needs are more important than anyone our anything else.
CL is right, don’t list his name. Be prepared for him to turn into a victim. There will be friends who listen to him. They are not your friends, not your tribe.
You are lucky to know this before you were married. Things are much harder legally then.
I am sending you huge hugs – this should be a wonderful time (even sick) as you are having a baby. Go start being a mom and remove this boat anchor now. Be as good to yourself as you can. Get tested for STDs – I’m worried that you may have something going on harming you or your baby.
Get CLs book – it will still help you even though you are not married.
Continue getting support from this group. Come daily post as often as it helps – there are som many of us here with so many different stories. You will be understood, promise.
Again, hugs.
I can’t agree enough with Chump Lady and the other commenters telling you to SEE A LAWYER STAT and leave him off the birth certificate. Consider moving, especially if you have ties out of state.
If this is how he treats you while you’re freaking pregnant, he’ll ramp up the abuse especially once the baby arrives. You need to leave him and protect yourself. Lawyer’s your first stop. Grieve later.
You may want to consider STD testing as well. Please carefully consider the content on this site when planning. This human shaped dumpster fire is not going to change, you and your baby deserve a better future.
Babymammachump, whatever you do, DON’T MARRY HIM. Getting rid of him will be infinitely more difficult if you’re married.
And I believe Chumplady gave you good advice re not putting his name on the baby’s birth certificate. But you’ll want to talk to a lawyer about that.
You share a vehicle that you bought? Fuck that. Get your car back. You will need it for the baby. The punter can take the bus. Separate everything financial that you share with this leech.
“Some” low-paid work? What is he doing with all of his free time? I mean, we know what he is doing, really, but what is his excuse for mostly doing nothing?
Babymammachump, I am SOOOO angry for you! So you GUESS you now know why he doesn’t ever seem to have money for basic expenses like bills/rent?
Listen to someone who also used to spackle about expenses: my FW always complained about never having enough $ and the fault was always mine.
So, who is paying for Bambi to suck his dick? YOU are and so is your baby.
Stay strong, this is a life skill and your baby is going to need a strong mother.
If you are paying the bulk of the expenses and he is using his money on hookers, he has some entitlement issues. You and the baby need to be priority number one. His dick is his priority. Don’t make excuses or project onto him. He is spending money on HOOKERS when you have bills to pay. Please get STD tested and stop having sex with that creature. Kick him out and your health will improve drastically and you will probably find you have more money without a FW spending it on HOOKERS.
Leave this guy off the birth certificate. Acquaintance in a similar situation put the bf of the certificate and it turned out most of his income was cash under the table. The child support was a pittance and then his family turned out to be super crazy including at least one pedophile. The child support wasn’t worth it and she regretted being unable to just walk away.
You’re overfunctioning in the relationship to compensate for his underfunctioning. All that does is allow him to continue to underfunction without the loss of any creature comforts. If you stay with this guy, you will be responsible for not one baby but two – your actual baby and this baby man. He won’t step up, he won’t get better. He’ll just work less and demand more.
I’ve lived this, minus the baby. I did not like the stressed-out, cranky, suspicious, distracted, exhausted shell of a person I became.
So I left. It was hard, because I thought I loved him, and more importantly I thought he loved me, but I left anyway.
Four years out, my life is brilliant.
Babymummachump, please give yourself and your baby the fresh start you deserve!
I did not realize what a financial drag my cheating ex was until he left. Suddenly, I had more time, money, and closet space than ever before. I thought he needed me, but he moved straight into his parents’ basement and hasn’t left.
He has custody of our kids every other week and lets his (crazy) parents do the parenting. He wants me to pay him child support. He uses his kids and “great Dad” image to lure in new chumps.
It took a lot for me to finally accept the fact that he does not think and feel like a regular human being, and there is no point trying to reason with him or co-parent. I can’t trust him, I can only trust that he sucks.
Now is your chance to escape this human tampon. He told you who he is: a man that neglects the mother of his child, solicits sex from strangers, and expects you to compete with sex workers.
This is not a man you want to share custody with. Period. He is grooming you for worse treatment and you will look back one day and either regret/or be grateful for the decisions you make today.
I wanted so badly to preserve something good from my marriage by hanging on tightly. But it turns out the good was me and the kids. He was just along for the ride.
At least a tampon is useful.
I am sorry to say that it seems you have been babytrapped. Consider, if you are projecting onto him, what is he projecting onto you. He has decided that his junk is more important than respect, honour, or loyalty. Please , put yourself first, and get to a safe place. Do not depend on him. He will not be there for you. Check out Lundy Bancrofts Why does He do That. ( it is free to read on line.) Get a full spectrum STD check. STD’s can contribute to difficulty’s in pregnancy. Take care, stay safe. Do not feel embarrassed about letting people know why you left. It is not your fault. You did nothing to deserve this treatment. He lacks discipline, empathy and any way to see beyond his own wants. Wants, not needs. There are duties and obligations that he is not fulfilling. He gets an F- in partner relations for being such a selfish child. Good luck.
Is it possible for you to move in with your family or even friends? You need to get away from this creep and I’m pretty sure your body is signaling to leave with all the health issues you’ve suffered.
I’m so sorry babymammachump he is awful. I hope you find a nice new place all to yourself without him. My FW always lied about where he was spending money and never seemed to have money for our basic needs (because he was spending it on other women). It’s common among these FW. You will likely feel so much better once you’re away from him as there are many other invisible abuses that can make you feel physically awful (as well as psychologically). Please get out ASAP. We’re all here for you and know how terrifying it is, but your health is clearly at risk and will continue to be if you stay with this FW. We all wish we had left sooner. ((HUGS))
Now you know why you have all these weird infections too. You need to get away from him. His habit of having sex with diseased hookers can literally kill you and your baby. You need to go mama bear.
Yes! This is your health and your baby. I have a close friend who was born with half a brain. It was from herpes. Herpes causes babies to go blind and have so many problems. She raised the child until 14 and he gracefully died. The guy dumped her so fast saying my child aint a retard! While she slept in her car. I mean this guy who came from a family of contractors on the central coast. needs to be arrested. He needs to get together with my ex. Everyone please pray to the goddess Karma former power to manage these bastards. If we women did the same to men, wouldn’t life be great? Prostitutes, vacations, fine wine and dinner, no screaming babies. It would be so nice to walk away. Not a care in the world. Its unimanageable. Karma will get them for bank fraud like they always do. There is no pussy in PRISON. Boo Hoo Hoo.
My ex cheated in me through pregnancy. When I think back to that time, telling midwives I had no STIs with such confidence… And how he could have given me an infection that could have killed my baby, I still shudder. I will never forgive him. I hate that my daughter – who is 7 now- thinks the world of him. He endangered us both with such casual disregard.
lawyer up, you are the bread winner
you need to move into your own place NOW, you need to get child support nailed down NOW with the lawyer
dump him NOW, run, run far, run fast, this is only going to get worse
Not a full parody today — I think we’re all horrified at this description and would, if we could, harness our rage into some act of retribution on behalf of Babymummachump.
But if I could suggest a banner song title for her to proceed with going forward? (with apologies to Todd Rundgren)
“I Don’t Want This Jerk, I Just Want to Bang On His Dong All Day”
UXW,
You got me with the Runt riff! Lmao.
Babymummachump,
Not much to laugh about today. Oh, how I know. Five years out and the sun is shining on me.
I, too, am angry at the very thought of that f*boy f*wit that is your parasite. It IS a blessing from the Universe of Good that you don’t need to break a lease to break free from that goon. Use that spiritual momentum. Team Babymummachump can help you move on, physically and emotionally. Line up your network – those who believe you, believe in you, and also want to kick his tail – and BOLT! I moved 6 times last year, with a new diagnosis of cancer. And my daughter’s cantankerous cat. It is possible and exhausting, but far more manageable than sticking your head back into his mindfuck blender. When you and bebby are safe again you will have some bandwidth to grieve and focus on the two of you. A WHOLE family. Without a weak link.
Just a wise guess: he was relieved that he stopped HIDING his hooker (&who knows what other extra-relationship) tricks (sorry, I cannot resist a pun – good or bad). The sheer audacity of his pronouncement screams “you’re not the boss of me.”
Run! Run, Babymummachump!
We who bred with fuckwits and were this forced to interact throughout divorce and child support admire, respect, snd encourage your freedom.
Big hugs, Bmc!
YES YES YES to all of this. Thank you, CL!
BMC,
He’s endangered your health and the health of your baby by fucking around (and I agree that the visit to a prostitute that he’s informed you of is not his first visit to a prostitute). Don’t have sex with him anymore at all, because you don’t know what he’s dipped his wick in. And as long as you have to move, move without him.
He’s a parasite leeching off you.
100% he’s visited hookers before – and he’s only telling hurt her NOW to hurt her. Almost like he’s shoving her face in it: “Well, you’re pregnant and sick and stuck with me now! Haha, bitch!”
Your Ex must be my Ex’s brother. You don’t want to find yourself with an STD like I did after the birth of my third child with the loser.
This isn’t going to be easy but you telling yourself he can be different doesn’t make him so. My Ex, probably like yours, swore “I’ll never do it again! You and the kids mean so much to me! Please forgive me.”
He’s now married to his secretary, has a red convertible and took our daughter to DisneyWorld. That’s not a metaphor. Losers don’t change, they get worse.
Get out now. Like everyone here is saying, while you have the chance to move, move. Your forward momentum is screaming at you with the blessing of being forced to move. Take this opportunity and don’t give him a key, don’t reply to his texts and get a lawyer. Protect your child from this abuser.
It will be hard in the sort term. In the long term your life will be SO MUCH BETTER!
Melissa – the similarities between our comments are spooky!
Coool!
“This isn’t going to be easy but you telling yourself he can be different doesn’t make him so.”
SO TRUE !!!!!
I believed my Cheater could be better so I waited for YEARS hoping and praying and yet he still treated me like shit.
He treated me like shit because he wanted to and apparently could. The end.
Your Cheater’s bold declaration of having been satisfied by a prostitute was horror personified. And one way or the other, he was spending grocery money on that and it didn’t sound like his first rodeo.
I work in maternity care and you can be admitted to Labor and Delivery as a “no information” patient and they can’t even tell people you are there. Go home to your own new home from there.
I’m sorry for this, it hurts so damn bad.
Go now. Many of us stuck around way too long with men like this and you are young with a long life ahead of you. Model safe and sane parenting to your kids. Leave now. This will not get better.
I think I can safely say that you have a nation of people, Chump Nation, who have your back.
HE can’t do without oral sex and is seeing prostitutes? And not even hiding it.
I’d like to highlight a few essentials that YOU are doing without. The list is LONG. This is just for starters:
You are doing without TRUST.
You are doing without SAFETY.
You are doing without KINDNESS.
You are doing without EMOTIONAL MATURITY (his).
You are doing without LOVE.
THIS IS NOT WHAT LOVE LOOKS LIKE.
He is hard at work devastating YOU, 24/7/365. Never mind the families!!!!
I am getting in line behind Chump Lady with my threaded lead pipe.
I am glad to hear you don’t need Mr. Pond Scum’s money, and that your housing situation is BEING UPGRADED, to a new location. WITHOUT the black rot masquerading as a boyfriend, thank you very much.
I am so so very sorry for your pain. And this is lifesaving surgery without anesthesia, to be sure.
SENDING LOVE.
❤️❤️❤️
And PLEASE do your best to find an excellent therapist to add to your pit crew. You need a trusted experienced guardian angel to guide you who will fill in the space vacated by Black Rot Boyfriend. The families are not a substitute for the objective trained expert help of a really good therapist and often are part of the problem, consciously or unconsciously.
I know now that Traitor Ex had a secret sexual double life going on while I was pregnant. I think the absolute lowest life form is someone who doesn’t even bother to lie about it.
There are billions of people on the planet. There is no need to give this fool for one more second of your precious life, or your precious baby’s life. And being on your own is light years better than sharing air space with this total creep. If he was the last man on the planet I would not let him near me. And I REALLY don’t want him near you or your baby!
☹️
Velvet Hammer, after reading stories on this site, including yours, I’m amazed at how many narcissistic leeches are in the world – male, female and nonbinary. Sometimes I think I’m fortunate to be a suspicious, paranoid, mistrustful survivor of my childhood with an alcoholic parent. I think it’s kept me out of trouble on many occasions.
Just no way. This might be just the tip of the iceberg and is only the beginning of his wayward ways. If he’s so weak on the sexual front that he feels entitled to a prostitute while you are pregnant, he’s not going to be faithful, period. “Satisfied for the time being,” indeed. He gave you all the right words for a time, but his actions say it all.
I’m also disturbed that he’s not contributing financially. Maybe he’s in school or whatever, but I’ve seen more than once where men defer to the woman to bring home the bacon and gestate/birth the children while they piddle around trying to find themselves. That is not acceptable.
Oh BMC, I’m so sorry. Your, and your baby’s, health is your only priority now, not FW. I know it is hard. Unfortunately, he has shown you his true (lack of) character. Do not be embarrassed to tell your friends and family why you must leave him. That is his issue to be embarrassed by, not yours. You only put your heart and body where they were not protected.
Please keep us posted that you are safe.
Thank you chump lady for printing my letter. I am in a hotel for the moment trying to get the strength to take some action. He doesn’t know where I am but is ringing my phone off the hook accusing me of taking his child away. I don’t even know what to feel right now. The thought my uti’s could be caused by an STD just made me throw up. Sorry I am rambling, I am gathering strength and have friend driving to be with me over the weekend.
Be sure if you share an account and have an apple phone turn off tracking.
Good job! Also be sure if you share a phone plan and apple phones turn off tracking.
Your sole job is to protect that baby and you’ve taken the first step in getting away from him. Please stay strong. You don’t need him. He has already failed as a father by willingly compromising his child’s health. Fast forward 2 years and he’ll think nothing of leaving the baby unattended in the bath whilst sexting his latest whore, or forgetting the baby in the hot car while he jerks off to porn in the bedroom. Dump his ass for good!
This man is a cruel psychopath. This behaviour is shocking. It reeks of he got an STD or something and was about to get busted so he ‘admitted’ to it and made it into a need. He was going to get caught for some reason. I’m so sorry you’re pregnant and vulnerable, trust me, only a monster would do this. This is disgusting behaviour. You WILL be happier on the other side of this pain without him. He’s a curse. Just remember he is not the solution to your pain – he causes pain. Only a monster would do this to someone. His actions also are gaslighting you and controlling you to make you feel like you must be his servant now. This man is trash.
My husband cheated on me when I was pregnant with a prostitute and I didn’t go. We worked it out.
Great, right?
No.
No.
Years of “sex addiction therapy” marital counseling on and on and on.
You know, when the only person they give a fuck for is the hooker things don’t improve No matter how much he pays lip service to it.
I’m still married 13 years later. Sunk fucking costs. After a decade of recovery work, yes, I’ve sculpted a unicorn. But holy fuck. I could’ve done so much other shit with my life and truth be told I STILL think about it every goddamn day. It sure didn’t help he lied about it for 8 years.
I want out but at the same time I’m not about to burn my kids’ house down at this point. They’re happy, we’re stable. I like the guy. But goddamn. It never leaves.
It NEVER EVER LEAVES. It never leaves the pleasant afternoons, it never leaves the holidays (he fucked her on Christmas Day), it never leaves the bedroom for me. It never leaves while I struggle with obesity and body image issues.
It’s a constant drag and I SHOULD HAVE LEFT 5 mins after I knew he was trying to sleep around. I was scared but I would’ve figured out SOMETHING.
You will too.
Leave for us that didn’t, okay?
Alexandra,
Love,
You can still go. I was 55 when I had Dday #3 – decades after the first 2. My jackass’s carrot fell off his head and I refused to eat another shit sandwich. 31 years together, 29 married. Kids were 21m & 15f at the time. Sunk fuckin costs ENDED there. My new life began. It wasn’t easy at first. I was trauma-bonded to that POS, believing his “you couldn’t survive without me” to my core.
Until I didn’t.
I had bought the RIC bullshit 26 years earlier, the sex addiction bullshit, yadda, yadda. Hell, after our “successful” marriage counseling I went to grad school to become a therapist, ffs! Guess what? It didn’t affair-proof nuthin!
I was fortunate to find CL & CN in time and got myself free.
My kids saw his abuse. Most recent/known AP even came on to my son while she was f*ing his father. They saw me say, “Enough.” HE blew up their family and they knew it.
I am pursuing dreams I had given up on long ago. I have my own home, a great professional reputation, and solid friends (the Switzerland ones showed themselves). I have so much more peace on my own now, not pandering to a FW’s every pout. I know what I want in a relationship and won’t settle until I find it.
Ex FW has already hired – oops, martied – wife appliance #3. The odds are not in their favor.
Alexandra, I am not judging your choice to stay. I know there are a million little reasons that seem to make sense, especially when kids are smaller. Just know YOU can change YOUR MIND at any time. You don’t have to build a case or convince anyone but yourself. I’m sending you big. BIG hugs lady. I just felt you after reading your comment. You deserve better.
A thousand yesses.
Alexandra, there was a comment applauding babymamachump for the steel in her spine. (And damn, you sure do, BMC, you are AWESOME and so brave).
You’ve got it too.
You deserve better. You can’t keep living like this. You’ll bleed out eventually.
More big hugs.
“It never leaves the pleasant afternoons…” This right here. I hate it. I know exactly what you mean.
You’re not rambling, Babymammachump, you’re reeling from a horrible betrayal. But you’re strong and your friend is going to help. You got this! Block the FW on your phone.
I feel in awe of how quickly you reacted. It usually takes people longer to heave themselves out of the quicksand of gaslighting. Typically the worse the offense (and the offense you describe is off the charts), the more shock it induces and so it can actually be harder to shift into action mode. But you obviously have some steel in your spine. That’s good. That’s beautiful. That’s the best trait of the best mothers. You have everything it takes to rock the world. Just keep it up and keep those friends and family around who totally support you.
He can cry that you’re “stealing his child” all he wants. Maybe he can join those weird men’s groups that try to banish domestic violence protections in the hopes battered women lose any chance of keeping full custody (there are male chumps here who’ve been falsely accused but even they don’t proclaim membership of those bizarre groups). But thankfully your FW is very disadvantaged in trying to control you through your progeny. For one, he didn’t marry you (thank God). Then he takes money out of your mouth (and umbilical cord) to serve his pathetic dick. He commits psychologically devastation on your while you’re struggling with a risky pregnancy. He may even have subconsciously wanted to kill the baby by exposing it to disease. If you can prove he did what he did (if secret audiotaping is legal in your state, you might be able to get him to confess on tape. If you’re in the US, check here for legality: https://recordinglaw.com/united-states-recording-laws/one-party-consent-states/) or even that you developed an STI because of his conduct, his chances of being recognized as a father or getting visitation decrease and that’s as it should be. Blood may be thicker than water but so is used motor oil. No one would hire a guy who goes to hookers– much less a guy who tortures his pregnant girlfriend with the fact– to even babysit their kids. In the true spirit of justice, he just forfeited any “father’s rights” he ever had.
That took courage, to get out from under an awful, poisonous man! Block his number for as long as you need to, leave him off the birth certificate, and don’t let him know where you are ever again. You deserve a bit of rest and a good life with your little one!!!
Oh, so he’s not even blubbering apologies now, he’s angry and making accusations about you taking his child away… He’s a flat out psychopath. I’m so sorry. Men like that are dangerous. Do not ever be alone with him again. He’s showing you what he is. Work on accepting it. I’m so sorry, I had to accept that reality too. I know it’s hard. I’m glad you have a friend coming to stay with you.
Yep, he’s on the rage channel now.
He’s not sorry he feels entitled.
What’s more significant is that he isn’t even socially aware enough to apologize. He’s poorly regulated and likely to lash out impulsively.
BCM, abuse is all about power and control. If he was concerned about your health , it would be one thing. But he is not. He is throwing a temper-tantrum. Block him. Go no contact. Leaving may lead him to becoming violent. Do not give in. Stay safe. Hugs
Please turn off the location finder on your phone just in case. And please, please, please don’t answer his calls or texts. Sending love and support your way.
I am so glad you are safe and away from him. Please take care of yourself and do NOT take his calls or read his texts. He will just make things up about his legal rights as a father…do a free consult with a lawyer to know exactly where you stand. Your stbx will continue to lie and manipulate you if he knows you are listening.
I have been working with birthing families for the past 30 years and I can tell you that one safe, sane, and stable parent is SO much better for babies. I parented with an abuser for years and it did unspeakable damage to me and my children. You have the chance now to avoid this, please take it for you baby and yourself. And all of us!!!
So glad to hear you are away from him…not to pile on and I’m not being cruel but right now he is in a panic, not because you are taking his child away but because his meal ticket is threatened. Even if he didn’t cheat I would urge you to walk away. The last thing you need in life is a dead weight.
If you stay with this guy the abuse will only ramp up. Run like your hair is on fire. He is a disgusting piece of shit loser. He’s calling you frantically because he’s scared of losing his useful chump appliance ,not because he cares about you.His actions clearly demonstrate that he doesn’t.Not that I’m advocating violence but I’m amazed at your restraint in not lamping him over the head with a heavy object when he made his announcement about the prostitute.
Get away from this abuse ASAP. I’m so sorry you’ve had to endure this.
Glad you left. Hes a parasite. Taking his child away?! He by his foolishness put that same child at risk. Please stay away don’t fall for his oh it was a mistake etc. And when people want to know why you left tell them just like CL said.
HE took the child away from himself by seeing hookers! You did nothing except logically react to his conduct. Classic narc blameshifting! It’s not what they did, it’s your (totally normal) reaction to it!
The x gave me HPV just in time for the birth of our first child. It was very traumatic and humiliating.
After the 3rd was born I was diagnosed with Trich.
I had so many UTIS, assorted STDS and infections while we were married.
I haven’t had a single one since I finally realized that he wasn’t going to change and called it over after more than 40 years of marriage.
I deserved better, so much better.
Don’t be me.
BMC, CALL YOUR LOCAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE/WOMEN’S SHELTER!
Him bombing your phone claiming you are taking his child away after how he has behaved, and he openly tells you he is seeing prostitutes?! This is Code Blue serious domestic violence going on.
https://www.thehotline.org/
Call the national hotline (link above) or Google for local assistance.
NOW.
❤️
I agree. This is abusive behaviour and needs immediate attention
BMC,
Get a notebook at the drugstore or office supply and START DOCUMENTING WHAT HE IS DOING.
Date, time, details. Phone calls. Words. Actions. Behavior. Etc.
Start with what you remember.
Then look at this to write down what you remember that comes under the headings on the Power and Control Wheel:
https://www.blackburncenter.org/post/how-the-power-control-wheel-helps-us-understand-domestic-violence
And keep the log going daily. It helps YOU gain clarity and break the spell. It will also aid you if there is a custody dispute.
If there has been any physical violence, call the police and get him on that radar.
This individual is NOT loving you. LOVE is a VERB and that means RESPECT.
Cheating is just ONE form of disrespect.
LOVE IS RESPECT.
Cheaters and those they cheat with don’t respect ANYBODY. So when they use the word “love”, laugh and love yourself by getting away and living with love and caring and kindness toward YOURSELF (and your baby!)
❤️
⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️
Screenshot any threatening or abusive texts. Save in an album on your phone.
Save any threatening or abusive emails. You can also print out and keep in a safe place, along with your notebook documenting.
Keep the notebook with you so you can immediately write down things that come to mind or as they happen.
I still do this, four and a half years later as I share custody of a child and a business with Traitor Ex.
⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️
Velvet, great advice on the notebook. My lawyer here in PA advised me that your notes written shortly after an event are admissible as evidence. You may want them for protective orders, custody, and child support.
Block his number and get a lawyer! If he keeps trying to contact you, report him to law enforcement and get a protective order. You need not ever have direct contact with this FW again, and best for you and baby if you don’t.
I recommend NOT blocking his number. Definitely don’t answer or respond – but this could escalate. If he sends threatening texts you want to see them and they may help you get full custody / protective order.
Agreed. Also if he gets truly pissed he might send a text to the effect of “ I don’t want you or the baby.” Which would be extremely helpful to an attorney.
This!
OP you can make a free new google voice number that goes to your phone. Turn of notifications from the number he has. The google voice number can go to your trusted friends, doctors, lawyer and family. If he finds it you can delete it and start over. Keep the texts on the old number. You can ask your friend to screen them for you so you don’t have to read them. Same for email.
I’m so glad your friend is coming. Take a few deep breaths and know that you CAN do what needs to be done to keep your baby safe. Do not ever again have sex with that piece of trash sperm donor. The next few weeks and months will be hard, but you will get through and it WILL get better. Also, tell your parents NOW that he has been seeing prostitutes and that you are breaking up with him. And if you get any pushback tell them that the baby’s health is your top concern and the piece of trash is putting the baby in danger.
Glad you’re away.
Stay away or go home. Definitely tell your family the truth. You have nothing to be ashamed about and I pray they will support you 100%.
Block him on your phone and read all of Chump Lady’s posts about NO CONTACT.
I will save your life.
Then see a lawyer now to find out his parental rights.
This!
Also if you trust them, warn your workplace that he may show up demanding to see you. Most workplaces have or should hve a domestic violence protocol. Confirm that the front desk/receptionist is not to confirm or deny that you are there and can screen your messages if your workplace has one. Document all of his attempts to contact you/find you in case you need a restraining order.
Sorry, IT will change your life
Please please find a lawyer soon. I know it’s so hard to think that way right now, but you can’t wait. Listen to the line he is already taunting you with, claiming you are “taking HIS baby away”.
You don’t have much time. Please find a lawyer this week.
Best to you and YOUR baby.
Yes, he is harassing you and claiming ownership of child (and by extension, you) to keep you trapped. This has emotional abuse all over it. You need a lawyer.
Tell your medical provider right away. You don’t want any STDs to affect your child. I’m so sorry. Don’t answer the phone. Get a lawyer and have all communication go through them.
I am so happy you have support of your friend who is helping you. You are going to feel better (I hope) once you find rest and emotional confidence in yourself.
Babymummachump: I am very worried about you. The stress, sickness and conditions you are describing indicate a high risk ( I am not a doctor or medical person) situation for you and your little. You need meds, rest, quality nutrition – as much as you can hold down, and extreme care – for you.
What would be the top 3 things that YOU can control that would make your world better right now?
Less stress? Emotional calm?
More sleep? Less upset stomach?
Make a plan to address each one, no matter how simple the solution – and note it.
Even baby steps will help you re establish your confidence. You will be a parent soon. You can do this.
I am sorry this is happening to you while you are having a difficult pregnancy.
I would strongly advise taking maternity or sick leave ASAP to have time to get things sorted: starting with evicting him or leaving, then checking in with family or friends to be completely taken care of. This woman needs to put up her dang feet and be REVERED!!!!!!
Sadly there might not be someone who can really take care of her. Women who overfunction like this typically come from a background of neglect.
Not necessarily a history of neglect. Abusers also jujitsu healthy character traits like empathy and a strong work ethic and manage to turn wonderful qualities into liabilities. Women can be particularly vulnerable simply because of the evolutionary hard-wired tendency to “tend and befriend” when in crisis.
In any case, DV researchers increasingly argue that the reasons victims get entrapped can all reliably be traced to the tactics and behavior of abusers. That obviously doesn’t mean that people with traumatic backgrounds can’t be abused, it just means it doesn’t necessarily have any bearing on why they were entrapped to begin with even if past trauma can deepen the quicksand. This can literally happen to anyone. For every human being on earth, there’s a predator that can get past our defenses. That’s partly what makes it so diabolical and also why bystanders often start blaming the victim. Finding fault with victims– some special reason the victim was targeted– is a knee-jerk means by which bystanders can deny their own universal vulnerability. It’s sometimes called the “safe world” or “just world” effect.
“For every human being on earth, there’s a predator that can get past our defenses.”
Thank you for pointing that out. Anyone’s defences can be bypassed, just not by every abuser. The higher the defences, the more covert and complex are the tactics the abuser will have to have mastered to succeed. Ask me how I know…
“the reasons victims get entrapped can all reliably be traced to the tactics and behavior of abusers.“
The best prevention, though never bulletproof, is spreading the word about the tactics and behaviours abusers tend to weaponise. Instead of dissecting and categorising the victims, we need to spotlight the abusers. But I guess they aren’t the clients therapists relying on to pay their bills.
“Instead of dissecting and categorising the victims, we need to spotlight the abusers.” I’m glad you feel that way. When the advocacy organization I worked with did this, it was considered VERY controversial to the point of impacting funding. Aside from offering practical support, the service offered an online library of material on batterer psychology and clinical tomes on captor bonding– meaning the material on victimology focused only on what happens in the course of abuse and its aftermath.
The founder, a survivor herself who had originally been a computer scientist, had a very simple formula: if shaming and blaming are the chief tool that abusers use to control victims, then it was a crock for those who purported to help these people to dish out more of the same. Furthermore, why not empower victims by turning the tables and letting them put their own abusers in a petri dish and studying them like bugs, studying their tactics, etc.? The reasoning was that if the statistics didn’t support the idea that all or even most battering victims came from dysfunctional backgrounds (in fact they’re no more likely to than anyone else), then it could not be considered “the” cause of domestic violence and wasn’t relevant to crisis intervention unless someone really desired to talk about it.
The approach had an interesting effect. If someone felt that their FOO issues had complicated their situations, they felt free to talk about it but they wouldn’t foist this interpretation on others who didn’t have the same experience and all agreed that the cause of it lay entirely with perpetrators. There were even some women who’s tough backgrounds made them fight back harder and they had a voice too. In any case, you can always tell when an approach is working because diverse people find common ground and everyone starts adopting humor as a survival tool. The tone of meetings could switch from hilarity (usually at the expense of some abuser or his shithead attorney or flying monkeys) to solemnity if there was a new member with a terrible story. It was the first thing I noticed about CL and CN. Yay.
People would ask me if it was a big drag working with survivors and I never understood the question. No, it was inspiring, beautiful, incredible.It’s pretty amazing how brilliant people who are fighting for their lives can show themselves to be. There were women who didn’t finish high school who could recite mechanisms of the neurofeedback loop in PTSD and cite research on deindividated violence, etc. It was very exciting and that service cranked out a lot of newly minted activists who had become “unpatronizable” by lousy therapists and blamey bystanders. They knew their shit.
I read a passage from Noam Chomsky where he described the irony of how average people might show genuine brilliance in, say, factoring sports scores but they would defer entirely to “experts” in matters like economics and politics to their own peril. We used to encourage survivors to become experts on their own experiences. I saw one person I worked with speaking on Nancy Grace after she took down her violent father and liberated her mother. My jaw was on the floor from her eloquence, especially in responding to quotes of her father’s self defenses and DARVO accusations against her. When she’d first arrived in a meeting, she’d been a monosyllabic teenager.
Meanwhile the official shelter system at the time and the majority of therapists would confront every victim with questions about why they felt they “deserved” to be abused. It was the price of being able to stay in a shelter or get state-sponsored help of any kind. Many survivors found this humiliating while others would try to internalize it and would foist it on others. Many would become (predictably) depressed because the focus alone was the message– your background caused this. Focusing on victims psychology insinuated that it was the central problem. Then as the approach failed when large numbers of women would return to abusers, the advocates and therapists would blame the victims for the failure rather than their own methods. A lot of critical voices were emerging in social science and DV research which questioned the “psychological deficiency” theory of battered women– the assumption that all were simply reenacting childhood abuse and were “drawn” to abusers– and research was finding that the assumption didn’t fit statistical evidence, but these facts and arguments were mostly ignored by state systems and hospitals. I think there’s been some progress but the patronizing approach still persists.
HOAC, I am as always amazed by the depth of your knowledge and understanding of power dynamics.
I am annoyed by the prevalence of the outdated and harmful DV framework the “system” tends to use (I mean agencies, aid workers, psychologists, judicial system etc.). Often doing more harm than good (similar to the RIC). I am determined to do what I can, which is not much, to push for change.
I would love to connect with you, if you like drop me a line, my burner email: pilot_floss0k@icloud.com.
If survivors start figuring out the dynamics of abuse, the voting public might figure out how it operates in other spheres. Uh oh.
I haven’t been directly involved in advocacy for a long time but I can recommend authors and experts whom I think have a clue. Reading bibliographies leads to even more material. Evan Stark’s “Coercive Control” is an important book as well as his chapter on DV (written with wife and research partner Anne Flitcraft) in founding psychotraumatologist Frank M. Ochberg’s “Post-traumatic Stress Therapy and the Victims of Violence.” Ochberg was the first to write about captor bonding after the Swedish bank hostage case for which Stockholm syndrome was coined by the press. His collection of essays remains one of the most important, humane books on trauma therapy and the chapter on DV rips apart all of the old victim-blaming hypotheses. Anything from criminologist Donald Dutton is worth reading and for a bit of evolutionary perspective on domestic abuse, primatologist Richard Wrangham’s “Demonic Males: Apes and the Evolution of Human Violence.”
I’ve noticed Wrangham is very tidy about not allowing anyone to draw erroneous assumptions from his work, such as anti-monogamy groups going gonzo over his research on the enthusiastic sexuality of bonobo chimps. Wrangham points out that regular, warring Clockwork Orange chimps are also indiscriminately sexual but not so groovy with their constant lethal raiding, rape, cannibalism and infanticide. Furthermore, regular chimps are far more closely related to humans which is pretty clear from human history not to mention carbon dating. But then he argues against making evolutionary excuses for human aggression and also makes a case that humans, unlike any breed of chimpanzee, evolved as basically monogamous by making an educated supposition that the leap from grunts to human language likely happened so that early hunter-gatherers could keep tabs on mates through gossip. And though Wrangham makes an argument that human males, like chimps, may commit most aggression and a remedy for this would be for women to seek equal power across every level of society, it’s also clear that males are the greatest victims of male aggression. Women aren’t let off the hook for enabling violence against others (generally not themselves).There’s not a word of victim blaming in the book.
This man makes me sick. I worked swing shift so I could help out raising my first child and then worked two jobs so my ex-wife could take 3 months off for maternity leave for my second child. His unborn child should come first before his sexual wants.
I am not surprised by what has happened. After 4 years he hasn’t made a commitment to her? She is supporting the family?
I will never understand why so many people put sex in the number 1 spot in their lives. They judge how good a person is by how good they are in bed or that their sexual needs come before everything.
Amen. I also don’t understand what they call “limerance” past the age of 11. Even in seventh grade I learned not to put too much stake in my crushes since they changed every week. I recognized that it wasn’t “real love” but kind of juvenile bs. Seeing grown-ass adults getting carried away and destroying their families over googly “wuv” is repulsive and unsettling.
“I will never understand why so many people put sex in the number 1 spot in their lives. They judge how good a person is by how good they are in bed or that their sexual needs come before everything.”
That’s what they SAY about sex but what is actually in the number one spot is them getting their rocks off on power, control and deception.
In any case, narcissists are lousy in bed. You may as well be a porn prop to them.
“I will never understand why so many people put sex in the number 1 spot in their lives. They judge how good a person is by how good they are in bed or that their sexual needs come before everything.”
This is so true. All you have to do is read people’s posts on dating discussion sites to see that “sexual compatibility” is the number one box that absolutely must be ticked or it’s a dealbreaker. So basically, a person could be the loveliest, kindest, most loyal person on the planet, but if they don’t give you the kind and quantity of sex you want from the very beginning of meeting them (nevermind allowing time and emotional connection to gently build that amazing intimacy), you dump them because “life is too short for bad sex”.
I say, go fuck yourselves for being so fucking shallow. Clearly, I’ll never date again.
CHARACTER compatibility is my Number One…..any idiot can perform The Act.
Oh dear, I thought it took an IQ of 135 or higher to perform “reverse cowgirl.” I stand corrected. 😀
OMG this: “You are not a sexual vending machine. He doesn’t get to insert his dick every time he wants a treat. You are not obliged to fuck him.”
CL, you’re a treasure.
EEEW. This makes me want to vomit. And then to hang this man up by his precious little dick.
GET OUT. I think you’ll find that once you dump this dead weight of a “man”. You have an advantage over many chumps by already being the primary (only?) wage earner. But even when my income was cut in half by splitting from FW, I had so much more money because he was an irresponsible spender. I only wish I’d left him when our child was a baby. Don’t expect it to get better. What happens when you’re busy with the baby? He’ll “get his needs met” elsewhere then too. My ex got much more abusive after our child was born. He was jealous that the newborn got more time and attention than he did. I also had a birth injury that made sex painful for a long time. And all my husband could do was cry about how it affected HIM.
My ex died about a year ago, and honestly, our son is doing so much better without his dad. These people do NOT make good parents.
You can’t imagine your life without your BF right now, but I PROMISE you, there will come a day where you can’t fathom life WITH him.
You’ve got this. Get a lawyer. Get a new place of your own. Tell your families exactly why you’re doing it. Don’t shield your FW from the consequences of his own actions. This isn’t on you, it’s on him.
Go live your best life.
I think this story is one of the worst I’ve read on this site. And I’ve read every post and all the comments here. I hate this man’s guts.
Men who cheat are worthless and unforgivable.
Men who cheat while not using a condom? Total pieces of shit.
Men who cheat, while having unprotected sex with randos while their partner is pregnant? Doesn’t get any worse than that.
I sense that there is a line here forming to get a crack at this monster. He would probably be unrecognizable by the time the last person is finished with him.
Honestly, I’m picturing the line of people with weapons from the movie Airplane.
You got this momma! Do not look back. This is who he is. I hope his dick falls off. He will try to lure you back but do your best to not talk to him at all. In the book Why Does He Do That, the author talks about how an abuser’s behavior during his partner’s pregnancy is a big window into his soul. Their ego and dick cannot handle being front and center for 9 months, abusers will act out and reveal who they are. Please get out! It will only get worse.
BMC
You said you were staying in a hotel. See if you can stay with a friend or family member but don’t go back to that man. He’ll only continue to make your life a living hell.
BMC, you’re on the right track now, away from this worm! Please don’t engage with him over the phone, who cares if he’s upset you left? Let him twist, it’s his karma.
Be safe, he’s completely UNTRUSTWORTHY. One of the best things you can do for yourself right now, is to tell people the truth! Tell your parents, tell your friends, tell the authorities if he pulls anything dangerous. There’s no shame for you to bear it’s all his. You know darn well he is going to spin this that he has no idea why you left, so tell everybody you can what really happened. just so you know that you’re not the only one, I now know why I was always getting UTIs when I was in my 20s, and in what I thought was a committed relationship with my partner. He was doing all the neighbors, but I had no idea. This is the kind of man that only thinks about his dick. Terrible, terrible parent material! Don’t make the mistake I made and stay for so long.
Sending you big hugs ❤️ and the strength to only focus on you, and baby!
So sorry for your situation. I am not a lawyer, but I agree with Tracy’s suggestion not to name FW as father on the birth certificate, having been through something similar. Do not even tell him when you go into labor. If he decides to go for any kind of custody, he will first have to prove he is the father through paternity testing. This will allow you more time to establish your home without him, and will cost him money. He may end up just giving up, especially if you don’t ask for child support ( which doesn’t seem like he can pay too much of.) Ideally you will find a new home as far away as possible to discourage him visiting if he ends up being allowed to. If you move now you won’t be under any kind of court order to remain in the area. Hugs and good luck…
This. I would bet if she leaves him off the birth certificate and doesn’t ask for support he will just go away at least for now.
When the Dickhead filed for divorce, I painfully joked that the best gift he ever gave me was the separation from him. I had the chance to live a new life free of his mental and emotional abuse, free of always wondering if he was cheating or not, and free to live my life in peace with my kitties and in my own home. It was best gift I ever received and never asked for.
You have the same gift – you get to choose how you want to live the rest of your life for yourself and your little one. Pick you each and every time. He doesn’t even deserve an explanation for his callous disrespect and actions. He’s a POS. As Lizzo would say, walk your fine ass out the door, and don’t look back.
It is a gift. It sure doesn’t feel like it at the time.
My ex dumping me freed me to be happy.
Now that you’ve made the choice to exit this relationship, you need to make a list of to-dos and execute it:
1. Get a lawyer
2. Go to your doctor – get STD check
3. Get a real estate agent to help you find a two bedroom with good location
4. Set up a new budget based on your actual income sans this dim wit (you may notice that once he’s unloaded, you have much more money)
5. Get an order of protection if he threatens you
6. Inform your parents (not his) and siblings to not have anything to do with him. There will be no reconciliation.
7. Enlist help from family and friends to move your stuff into storage and/or consider going home to complete your pregnancy.
8. Don’t put his name on the birth certificate.
Right now, you need to stay calm, relax and enjoy growing your baby. Don’t take his calls.Don’t listen to his entreaties. Ignore his friends and yours that would advocate for him. You’re going to be a mother so you’ve got to be as strong, ruthless and as tough as possible to move on from this. Good luck and blessings.
This is great advice. My biggest regret was not leaving after dday 1. I stayed for 3 reasons.
1) I loved him and the future I thought we were building together.
2) I didn’t want break my kids’ hearts.
3) I was afraid of failing (going bankrupt/losing my job and home/moving back home,etc.
Today, I can see clearly how strong I am as a person and how little he was contributing to our well-being.
I can honestly say that even if all my fears had come to fruition, I would still be better off today, if I hadn’t stayed 3 more years, than I am now.
What I want to know is how you didn’t bludgeon-hammer him the second he returned and uttered such profanity!!!!!!
I am LIVID on your behalf and sincerely wish for a series of very un-Christian things to him!!!!
YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER !!!!!!!!
Call pest control, girl…
CL, you are a bigger woman than me. I could not even string together a thought after reading Babymummachump‘s letter.
Babymummachump, please re-read what you wrote and imagine it isn’t you. That it’s your sister or a dear friend. You pay all the bills. You are going through health problems through a pregnancy. And this asshole Is leeching off you — and feels entitled to sex with prostitutes — and blames you for it??? WTF
Please get that attorney lined up. Protect you and your child. And kick him out.
I know this is the most difficult time to try to do anything. Please get help from friends and family if you can. But get free of that guy.
He is on a whole new level of crazy cold-hearted and selfish. Zero empathy. If he can do that now, imagine when you’re home with a newborn and he wants to go out and have fun. Free yourself now ok?
I’m so sorry. He really sucks.
I am So sorry! You might consider contacting social services for referral for temporary home for homeless mothers if needed. Definitely call your parents if that is an option and get their support until you can get settled with baby. Do not go back to house alone! Never be alone with him again! He can’t be trusted! Hugs!
This! Especially since he now knows you’re reacting and appropriately distancing yourself to leave, this is when these pricks can escalate things to UNIMAGINED heights.
You will finally get to see the real him, just about now…
So you must protect yourself, never see him alone, and even in public settings, never position yourself so that he’s between you and any door!
Thiiis!
You can often get a police officer to come with you or to go with a friend to collect a list of items from your house.
Also if only your name is on the lease they may be able to evict him. Ask friends and family to help you fund emergency movers who can quickly and professionally pack up your things and move them to a safe place in a storage unit/family home etc.
Rock on, chumplady! This is me 37 years ago. And I stayed and made it work for 35 more years before he pulled his D-Day stunt and left me like I was a used up Kleenix. I absolutely, without a speck of doubt in my mind, wasted my life. Worst of all, my two children are now adults and all the hours I spent modeling and teaching them to love…….well, none of it took hold. To my total shock – they, too, revealed themselves to be users and abusers when the shit hit the fan.
I lost everything and everybody in one fell swoop. I so much wish I would have just walked when my mind, body and spirit were screaming at me to leave! One time I had both babies in the back seat and I had gotten away during a fight…… I called the domestic violence hotline from a payphone in an empty parking lot at 11pm or later. This was late 1980s. The person on the hotline asked if he was physically violent. No. She told me to go back home. Another time, I was standing at the front door ready to walk out and he and the two kids were sitting on the couch taunting me to go ahead and leave because they would be just fine without me…….. I could not walk away and leave two innocent grade school age children without a mother. Turns out they didn’t ever see me as their mother, anyway.
I think of those moments a lot. And at this age, no one else even remembers those moments, nor wants to sit and listen to me cry about them yet again.
Oh, this brings up the memory of when I was trying to get away from my abusive, cheating ex-boyfriend, also in the mid-80s. No kids in the mix, but he had become physically violent and started threatening to kill my cats which was the last straw for me. I called a DV hotline after he’d finished pretending to strangle my smallest cat (luckily didn’t do any damage) and had stormed out to visit the OW, after spitting on me (gross). The woman on the phone was very rude – she snipped “where did you get our number?” “who told you we could help you?” “what do you want us to do?” She then told me that they couldn’t do anything for me and literally suggested that I wait until he was actually hitting me and then call the police. I think that domestic violence services have come a long way since then. At least I hope so.
Tallgrass, we’re listening, we’re reading, keep sharing. I’m so sorry this has been your road. Love to you.
Thank you for leaving the door open for me. I do come here to share. No one else has a clue what I’m blubbering about.
Tallgrass, my heart breaks for you. So very wrong that your kids turned out like their father, but some DNA is strong! I hope you find meaning in life now, it’s a challenge when we are nurturers, and then find ourselves alone. Plus, getting older in general, is tough ????
I wish I could have you over for tea, and I hope you have a friend you can hang with. We are your virtual friends of CN! ❤️
This means so much to me. Thank you!
Oh, my. I feel sick for OP.
Please, please, please. Find your own place, keep your stable job, don’t even talk to that monstrosity of a man. Just make your own plans and love your child.
I’m livid! I hope he chokes on his own dick. I bet he gave you those UTIs and God knows what else. I hope you see how you are being abused Babymummachump
and get rid of this leech.
Babymummachump:
Please read Chump Lady’s excellent response as many times as is necessary to accept every morsel of her advice especially:
(1) Not putting him on the birth certificate;
(2) What to tell your families about why you’re dumping him, and
(3) The very likely scenario that he’s been visiting prostitutes throughout your entire pregnancy (and maybe long before that).
If this selfish little boy can’t make it through 5 1/2 months without getting his peen sucked off by a professional, how is he ever going to survive a minimum of 18 years of having to sacrifice things that he deems “critical to his survival” so that his child is well-taken care of? As the mother of triplets, I can tell you that children have many physical and emotional needs, and they’ll be looking to you to fill them.
If you stay with this completely unsuitable person, I guarantee that you’ll be not only continue to be the family’s breadwinner (yes, he will be distraught if you deny him your paycheck), but you’ll also be your child’s sole participating parent because the truth is, you don’t have a partner, you have a petulant prick. I hope you leave this sorry ass excuse for a man TODAY and get on with your life; if you stay, you’ve seen just the tip of the iceberg.
I wish Chump Nation could meet at your house with boxes and packing tape. We’d pack you up and load you out right in front of that cretin’s face while you stay snug and safe in your hotel.
I could bring my whole roller derby team. It’s not our first emergency women’s pack up and move.
Dudes back off from 30+ pissed off, muscular, tattooed and capable ladies.
Followed by a town car full of business-suited, tattooed, accountants and lawyers.
This would be a very cool thing to develop: a caravan of CL vans pull up and out pours all kind of support. Packing, comforting, soothing, advising, caring for children, kvetching, pulverizing – then whisking Chumps away to a Paradise. Possibly a lush and beautiful campus where Chumps can come to heal. We could call it Grey Rock.
Soon, cheaters all across the world will quake when they see the CL vans – where empowered survivors do not hesitate to call out and mock and shame the losers. A Chump militia of snark.
It makes me cry just to think about it!
I remember those moments of vulnerability and how wonderful it would have been to have someone do the thinking for me and to just whisk me away and telling me “we’ve got this! we’ll take care of you”, so I didn’t have to deal with any of the abuse a minute longer.
That’s the Dream Team!
Roaring, I like how you think! Love the picture you word-painted there.
Chumpsy and Roaring, I loooooove these ideas! I would totally welcome that kind of help if I needed it.
I’m concerned.
Someone with this much disregard for his partner and entitlement to sex on demand strikes me as someone who might eventually lash out at the baby if, let’s say, the baby has the nerve to cry while you two are having sex.
Please get away from him to protect yourself and your baby. He’s not partner material, which is an understatement from someone with a faulty picker.
Agreed he’s disgusting ????
If he can’t be there for you now, he won’t be there for you when the baby is teething, or gets sick, or for the terrible twos, and on and on until the teenage funks. He’s shown you who he is, and he will seek escape and “getting his needs met” at every difficulty, of which there are many when raising kids. He’s not the one who values the family you’re both building, you are.
Get out now before you set up yourself for a life of pain and disappointment. Model something better for your kid. It took me 15 years to realize that he wasn’t into the family life I thought we both wanted, and there was a lot of pain along the way.
He’s shown you who he is. Take the exit and get out now.
6) Tell your parents what’s going on. You need help, and support…both emotional, and with moving. You should not cover for your abusive fuckwit.
2) Actually, I think that you should contact your landlord, and terminate your lease. And immediately move in with your parents, or move to a short term (cheap) rental, if that’s your only option.
Honestly babymama, it sounds like he’s been getting his needs met elsewhere for a while and his “announcement” was just to get more attention. His ass needs to be kicked to the curb! That is what needs to happen. This guy is a fucking leech.
I think you are in to something. I think he thought it would be fun to cause some drama and he didn’t get the results he was expecting so now he’s livid.
Ah, Babymummachump,
I have been there. Ex was f***ing a work colleague and getting his needs met while I was carrying his much-wanted child. I ended up in hospital with gallstone problems while pregnant. I wasn’t eating and generally was in a bad way and he was off with his new fancy piece. He just dropped his family (my son and I) for someone he had known for about 6 months.
I got through my pregnancy with the help of my family. My sisters were at the birth. He strung me along for a year after the birth, making out he was involved etc, but he just wanted cake.
Don’t be like me!
It’s really hard, but get yourself sorted now. Try and take some paid time off work. Don’t let him control you anymore. Take control of the situation yourself.
I wish I hadn’t put my ex on the birth certificate, but he was getting ‘expert’ advice from the OW. He went from abandoning his family to a new family man with a new kid of his own (5 years down the line). He now wants to see the kids, but before then he wasn’t that bothered. There’s no connection to anyone if you can do that. It’s all image management.
He would say he missed the kids, but his actions proved otherwise. Even now, he has regular days he sees the kids, but he doesn’t want them overnight (I am relieved). He won’t do the hard work in his time, like the kids’ parties, or taking them to activities. He will sporadically get in contact in with the school when there are issues, but never really resolves anything and the teachers never contact him. (I don’t even question it anymore and it no longer bothers me. I’m happy to do it. He pays his maintenance every month, but that’s image management too. He wouldn’t want people to know he doesn’t pay. I do chase him on it when he doesn’t pay on time too. He’d hate for me to tell his family he’s not paying for his kids)
He does what he needs to look like a good dad outwardly, but take his daughter to a swimming lesson on his time (even though I’m paying) – not a chance. When people tell me he’s a good dad. They can’t see the fakeness.
Wow, 15 years of reading Chump Lady and this one really sticks out! Much love and support to you as you navigate your journey away from this horrible man. Anyone that selfish is not worth any more of your time. As it is, you will be stuck with him as a co-parent. You (and your baby) deserve so much more. And, believe me, there is a whole universe of good, morally intact me out there. xoxoxo
I feel the most important and immediate task is emotional and physical safety. Do you have a permanent place where you can go with a supportive family member or friend? Fleeing to a hotel was brave and courageous and getting the help of your friend. Where can you stay long-term, so that you don’t have to go back? Please try to block all communication with him. That can feel scary too, but it gives your mind a much-needed rest. I agree that asking for help from the nearest women’s group is another important first step. You are strong and brave. Get at least one other trustworthy person and a stable place to stay for now.
That was supposed to be …morally intact men…
I am surprised he didn’t say “your welcome” when you came home from the hooker. He acted like he was doing you a favor.
This obviously was not a first-time encounter with a prostitute. He knew where to go and how to pay and all the other bits and pieces of purchasing sex. He has been frequenting prostitutes for a while, he finally felt like he had justification this time.
Please get an STD check and leave him. He will get worse, and your life will be a living hell for a long time. Trust all of CL nation, we have been there.
I had never had UTIs until the last five years of the marriage, when x started fucking strange in real life. Like the movie says, GET OUT!
Yup, Me too.
Me too, the last 2 years of my marriage I had vaginitis and multiple UTI’s. I just thought it was stress. Now I am sure it was the disgusting whores.
Count me in on the recurring UTIs for over 30 years. I was diagnosed with interstitial cystitis, which miraculously cured itself as soon as I stopped having sex with that turd. Coincidence? I think not. I couldn’t even have a bath the whole time we were together because my urinary tract was so inflamed that I would get a UTI from the bacteria in the bath water. Now I have a lovely soak three times a week. ????
Same here. I stopped having sex with Cheating Bastard Ex the last 15 years or more of our sham marriage when I found an assortment of underwear that he was keeping as trophies from his hookers. I should have walked our then, but rationalized I needed to keep the family together. I could protect myself and stay healthy if I quit having sex with him. He never noticed that I had stopped.
Then came Covid and I’ll be damned if he didn’t try to get me sick from that too!
It. Never. Gets. Better. The sooner you get out, the better you will be.
Also, NOPE!
I’m so sad for you that the joy of carrying your baby is being diminished by your faux partner’s complete idiocy. I want to take a threaded pipe to him for that alone.
I just want to say I had one UTI in my life, but it wasn’t during either of my pregnancies. It was right after my ex husband cheated on a business trip. I echo the others in saying that FW is the cause of most of your medical troubles, and I also think it’s irresponsible of your OB-GYN if they haven’t talked to you about this possibility so you could protect yourself and your baby.
Take care. You have made it through so much already. You are going to be one amazing, strong mamma.
I wish my doctor would have told me that the STDS he diagnosed me with were STDS.
Instead, he named the disease and prescribed the medication.
If I had thought to ask my doctor HOW I got them, or if he had told me that they were sexually transmitted, I may have gotten out decades before I finally had enough.
I only found out that everything I had been diagnosed with were STDS when a woman surgeon went through my records with me prior to surgery that was needed as a result of untreated PID.
Maybe doctors don’t want to editorialize or come across as judgmental. But they might also have done a disservice to their patients by not initiating a frank discussion with them.
Also, if you think your employer would be sympathetic, or you’ve seen them be flexible with other employees in crisis, please ask for a meeting with your supervisor or a mentor to let them know what is going on (maybe writing it out will help you get the gravity of the situation across while sticking to what is appropriate to share).
My employer was so empathetic and flexible from the beginning of my 3-year-long divorce to this day. It was an absolute blessing that I was able to talk candidly with my mentor who is now an AVP and just recommended me for a raise. Multiple managers donated their extra time off to me only knowing that I was taking care of the kids alone. It’s made all the difference to not have to be on edge about my job when I’m having a difficult day or need time off. I owe them so much.
OMG I am glad you got out & hope you can get into your OB for STI testing.
Don’t be ashamed- these abusers confuse us by sometimes being affectionate, or fun, or helpful. Until they don’t.
Keep reading CL’s reply until you get angry about this. You need anger to keep propelling yourself away from him.
Very true, that part about feeling confused – my STBX has a great sense of humor, a friendly nature, has always been hugely helpful with our kids and around the house, has always had a job and provided for our family. Thus his sextracurricular activity – along with (at least) two years of lies – have baffled me.
He’s your boyfriend, not your husband, and you’ve only been together four years. You owe him nothing legally. He won’t get any alimony or palimony. You have to find a new place anyways since the landlord is selling, find one without him.
When it comes to explaining things to family and friends, I think it’s good to be as concise with it as possible. Something like, “He announced he is going to start using the services of prostitutes and then went and saw a prostitute and he doesn’t care how I feel about it. I don’t want to be in a relationship like that.” Any decent person who cares about you is going to be horrified by that and support you. The ones who don’t support you… well, that answers a difficult question nobody wants to ask but it is better to know so you can protect yourself.
Also, I’m with chumplady on the UTIs being from him cheating. I had issues with UTIs and yeast infections to the point I felt dirty and wondered what was wrong with me. All gone when I got rid of my ex. Haven’t had a single issue since.
Also, a man doesn’t go from never cheating on his girlfriend to announcing to his pregnant girlfriend that he will screw hookers and not caring that she’s crying about it. Their behavior escalates over time. There’s no way this is the beginning. He’s been doing so much behind your back that he decided this was fine to do out in the open. Cheating on you is now normal to him, that’s why he doesn’t get why you are upset. I’m sorry that’s so harsh but it really is how they think and how it progresses.
I’m so sorry this is happening to you. Please reach out to people you can trust for support. Don’t be ashamed. You haven’t done anything wrong. As for his “lack of sex”… honey, you’re having a rough pregnancy and bleeding and having infections and being on antibiotics and you’re STILL having sex with him once or twice a week. THAT is abnormal. I was in the same boat, no matter what was happening we had to have sex at least 3 times a week because of his “needs.” Didn’t matter where we were or how sick I was, it had to happen. That’s actually really fucked up. You’re carrying his child right now and you are sick and you are OBLIGATED to screw him once or twice a week?! That’s actually demented. Decent men can go without sex. Decent people can go without sex while their partner is sick and they care more about their sick partner than getting their genitals manipulated.
I’m ranting a bit but I spent 20 years married to a man like this. GET OUT NOW! Nothing makes this worth it. You went from daily sex (was that obligation too, due to his “needs”?) to still having sex once or twice a week while you are ill and that’s not good enough for his perverted, abusive ass. Imagine in the future, you have the flu and your child has the flu and you just worked a 40 hour week, and you’re trying to catch up on laundry, and you are fucking exhausted, and he’s standing in front of you stomping his feet and asking “Where is my blowjob?!” He’s pretty much at that point now but it gets worse with these guys. He’ll get worse. It’s a terrible, terrible life. I’m so sorry it hurts, I promise it gets better but you have to get away from him so you can heal. You can heal from this.
“As for his “lack of sex”… honey, you’re having a rough pregnancy and bleeding and having infections and being on antibiotics and you’re STILL having sex with him once or twice a week. THAT is abnormal.”
It’s not just abnormal, it’s rape.
He doesn’t care that you don’t want to have sex, he’s a rapist. Doesn’t matter if he hasn’t physically forced you – he has the mind of a rapist.
No decent man would want to have sex when he knows the woman he’s with doesn’t enjoy it.
His hooker habit also hints at him enjoying forcing sex on women who don’t desire him but need the money.
Great comment Katie Pig.
It made me remember something- the awful feeling I got when I realized I’d been giving husband oral, when he’d been sticking it in everyone else, too. This can lead to throat cancer, from what I understand. Sorry, to talk about a gross topic, but this was what he conned me into. Certainly not my idea of how I wanted to live my life! Thankfully, I’m fine, so far, but my blood just boils over what these FW’s put on our plates, when we are being great, faithful spouses!
It IS gross.
But this is the type of abuse Babymummachump will have to look forward to if she doesn’t get out now.
And it is typical behavior of a certain type of cheater who gets off on crap like this.
Mine did; he would demand oral the morning after his date nights with his skank.
He wouldn’t shower beforehand. I noticed *scents* that I had never smelled before from him, but never batted an eye.
THAT is truly gross and I can’t believe I didn’t feel like I deserved better treatment than that from the man I loved.
“He is NOT your rock. He’s an anchor.”
It took me years of hard work to see this; now I can never unsee it.
I think that this is NOT his first trip to the blowjob store. In addition, he’s grooming you when you’re sick, pregnant, and about as vulnerable as possible, he was testing the waters to see if he could get away with his hooker habit in the future. Baby up all night? Wow, need a blowjob. Baby teething? Gee, need a blowjob. Hangnail? Blowjob! Your medical history tells me that this guy has been frequenting hookers if not your entire relationship, at least during your pregnancy. Please leave this utter POS. If he is so callous as to announce he just visited a hooker like he just bought a six-pack of beer, then you have nothing to work with. He doesn’t want this child. If he did, he wouldn’t be threatening its life by fucking strange. And he IS fucking strange.
–“he’s grooming you when you’re sick, pregnant, and about as vulnerable as possible, he was testing the waters to see if he could get away with his hooker habit in the future.”
This is what I came here to say. Babymummachump, read Gavin de Becker’s book “The Gift of Fear,” which among other things explains how predators test and push boundaries. It’s important for you to understand what this man really is.
I agree, over here shaking my head..like, where exactly is the blowjob store?? How does one go about that? Surely it isn’t just common knowledge, as if you just run to the pharmacy for toothpaste? I would imagine this would take a minute to sort out details, so the story that he ‘just did it’ out of the blue is not convincing at all. He’s been doing this for awhile or forever and decided to throw his entitlement out there and announce it to see if she’d just let it blow over (no pun intended) while she’s distracted with health/pregnancy issues. This is how he deals with minor life problems (sex only 2twice a week, poor baby).
I’m standing in line for my turn with the threaded pipe!!
My story is very similar to Babymamachump’s. I found hooker phone numbers in my ex’s phone when my daughter was 10 months old. He also never had money to help me with bills and during the height of the pandemic in 2020, when I was pregnant with our daughter, he went to the “dentist” 7 times, but when I’d ask what for he insisted he didn’t have cavities and just needed “extensive periodontal work” (but he only came home with dental baggies/medication after two of those “appointments”) I remember going to my gynecologist for an STI screening after finding out and when I told her why I was there she said, “Let me guess, he either told you he was just looking at their webpage or he told you it was only once, am I right?” When I said “Yep, the 1st one…” she and her assistant kind of chuckled and then she said, “We hear this story at least once a week in this office, usually more than that. The husbands or boyfriends ALWAYS say they were just looking or didn’t do it that much/very often, but their partner’s positive STD test gives them away every time. I’m so sorry honey.” That confirmation from her was enough to let me know I wasn’t crazy for not believing his little “I was just looking” story. Gynecologists have seen some shit. They know.
Babymummachump,
Hugs to you at this difficult time. You are in an abusive relationship. Your sexual partner has risked your sexual health and the life of your unborn child. He has shown little regard for your safety.
It’s been years since I’ve posted a comment, because my Tuesday came long ago. However, I feel compelled to share my experience as a word of caution. I discovered my ex-husband was cheating on me when I was about 6 months pregnant with our 4th child (the eldest of whom was 5 years old). (To keep this post from being too long, I’ll just mention the health consequences of serial infidelity during pregnancy.).
I filled for divorce. The week before my due date, I had what I thought was a yeast infection. I was not able to be prescribed the oral medication that I wanted because of my pregnancy. I experienced what I thought was an allergic reaction to the topical medication that I was prescribed; however, my OBGYN was very concerned that it was a primary outbreak of the STD HSV – herpes. He told me not to go into labor until my lab work could tell us more. The next day, I went into labor, before test results were available. I had to have an emergency C Section.
When my daughter was born via emergency C Section, she had a large blister on her fist. Because my physicians were very concerned that I had contracted HSV during my 2nd trimester of pregnancy, they were immediately concerned that my seconds-old new born had neo-natal herpes, a potentially fatal illness for infants.
Upon birth, my daughter was immediately rushed for a spinal tap to test for meningitis and then STD testing of all her mucas membranes. I did not see nor touch my child until the next day. Her first human touches on Earth were STD tests.
A special team of doctors called Infectious Disease Specialist created a Risk Algorithm for my daughter, utilizing medical history. For me, this was complete sexual fidelity to my then husband for the entirety of my adult life. Without my husband’s affair(s?), we would have no risk of disease. Due to the physicians’ concern of seroconversion, it was ultimately determined that the safest course of action was to treat my daughter with the course of intravenous, anti-viral medication to treat her potential illness. This was a 10 day, level 3 NICU stay in the hospital, sequestered in a Contagious Disease hospital room. It was explained to me that if my daughter had contracted HSV in utero, at the end of pregnancy, that it would cause her blood to be toxic with the HSV virus and she would either die or remain desperately I’ll for the reminder of her life.
I don’t need to tell you how absolutely horrific this experience was.
Ultimately, my daughter tested negative for all STDs (and later so did I). I was able to unplug my tiny, infant daughter from all those machines after 10 days of 24 hour medication. I am so grateful for the gift of my child’s health.
True to nature of an abuser, my ex husband lied to all the physicians involved about his affair. He took no accountability and never apologized for the high price his infant daughter and I both paid. It became a DARVO attack, and the abuse I experienced escalated greatly.
Please take care, Babymummachump. I wish you and your unborn child good health and a bright future – free from abuse.
Stalked, name changed: I’m so sorry you had to go through that! I had an initial onset of HSV-2 as a newlywed, but not yet pregnant. We had been together for 9 yrs (another red flag, I know), so this was a little puzzling… Even my Dr. gave me some bullshit story about how it ‘can be dormant’ for a time… really? 10 yrs? Not that much was known in the mainstream about it, so I ate that shit sandwich. Proceed to a year later and I am pregnant. My Ob/gyn was much more concerned that there was a good chance that I would also need a C-section if I had an outbreak close to delivery. Luckily I didn’t, but my very first pregnancy was a ‘high risk’ with that cloud around us. I should have left the FW right then. Don’t be gullible like me.
If I can influence even one fellow chump to ‘act decisively’ and get out early, I’m good with that.
Oh my God, I’m so sorry. That is horrific. I’m so glad your daughter is ok.
Thank you to everyone for your comments and support. I am reading everything and it is helping.
please get a lawyer ASAP
stop giving him money
if you have a lease, check your local rules
– i was able to give my ex- 30 days notice because he wasn’t on the lease
i had a security system with a panic button key fob and i kept it with me the whole 30 days just in case
see if you can move in with family – you did nothing wrong, you have nothing to be ashamed of
please take care of yourself and your child
It’s difficult to think beyond the “now” but, you need to. Get yourself checked for STD’s (I went planned parenthood because I was to embarrassed to tell my MD, but wouldn’t be now). If you have a supportive family, reach out to them for help and encouragement.
Important part is to start separating your banking if you have any joint accounts.. cancel credit cards in his name that you are responsible for.. if he’s on your cell phone account shut that off…if he can sign on your checking account or has access to ANY of your financials… shut it down. Sign up for a credit monitoring service today! Run a credit check to make sure there are no loans or cards that you don’t know about. This seems like a lot, but I learned the hard way, that my grief gave him time to sabotage my financial health.. maybe you friend can help you with some of this.
Then rest, cry and grow that baby & have a easy birth and enjoy that gift.
Hugs,
Jann
I think that if you were already familiar with this site then you probably knew what the answer would be when you wrote in. You have already shown how strong and amazing you are – only missing two days of work after being that ill all through your pregnancy!!! Take some of the wisdom from the many people on this site who learned through bitter experience and you will look back some day and see that while it was scary as hell it was worth it.
You poor darling. I hope there’s someone who can sweep you up and keep you safe from that abuser. Mother, father,sibling,friend.
And someone who’s bad ass enough to run him off if he hassles you. I hate him on your behalf. I’ve read a lot of terrible stories here but this one stands out. Find your inner courage for the sake of your child as well as for yourself and flush this turd. He’s most likely on the psychopathy spectrum and no good will ever come from an entanglement with him. Ever.
NO CONTACT. Do not share your doubts or plans with him. Read through the Chump Lady archives, over and over and over, in the next few days as you put together your support team.
If your family doesn’t have the resources to support you, work with your local Domestic Abuse program to obtain safe housing and therapy. Take their advice on how to manage your current employment.
Talk to a lawyer about protecting your baby and your finances. If your baby’s father has any sincere intention to step up to the plate, he can communicate it through attorneys (he won’t).
Hugs. I agree with others you will likely begin to feel physically stronger soon. Use it as fuel.