Hi Chump Lady,
A little about my situation: I’m five and a half months pregnant with my and my boyfriend of four years’ much wanted first baby. This has not been an easy pregnancy — I bled daily for the first three months and suffered horrendous sickness (barely able to keep down a meal, I lost weight), the sickness has abated a little, but it remains quite frequent. I’ve had acid reflux, along with recurring UTIs that have meant I have been on antibiotics for pretty much the entire pregnancy. I have also been diagnosed with a different kind of infection that threatens the baby and will mean I need intravenous antibiotics through and following labour. I have also had covid-19, and just generally felt quite poorly for much of the time.
In addition, I work full-time (have had only two days absent) as the breadwinner for our family. We have recently found out our landlord is selling our home, and will have to relocate as we can’t afford to live in our current location due to price hikes.
As you can imagine, I’ve not felt particularly sexy during this last five months or so. Our sex life has drastically changed, with sex daily or every other day now scaled back to once or twice a week (and honestly only then because I feel I must). I have completely, given my heightened senses and gag reflex, gone off of oral sex (my uti’s mean I’m not too keen on receiving either).
About a week ago, my boyfriend — who can’t stop telling me how excited he is for the baby, what a trooper I am and how much he loves me – announced he would be seeking the services of a prostitute because he can no longer go without (particular oral) sex. Yesterday, he left the house and when he returned told me he had been ‘seen to’ by the prostitute and was now ‘satisfied’ for the time being.
This is devastating and unacceptable to me. I know I cannot continue in the relationship, but have no idea how to untangle myself from the man I considered my rock and life partner. I know he will be distraught at losing me and the family we had planned. Our families will be devastated, and I am mortified at the thought of sharing what’s happened with my or his parents. I cannot get my head around how his ‘need’ for a blow job supersedes our family’s need for trust and stability. I can’t understand how he could not do without oral for a year or so while my body is ravaged by pregnancy symptoms, in order we can bring a baby into a loving and stable environment.
I can’t stop swinging between anger and tears, and at points in the last 24 hours have felt pain in my uterus making me worried for the safety of the baby. My boyfriend is indifferent, as if I am overreacting to a very normal chain of events.
Any advice you can give please to pick myself up off the floor?
Babymummachump
****
Dear Babymummachump,
I’m having a hard time composing sentences to reply to your letter, because my inner Vinnie would like to throttle your boyfriend with a threaded pipe. And then as he sat there, gripping his kidneys, spitting up blood, I’d demand he be sexy.
Minus his dental work. Bloodied. In pain. Be sexy.
NOW.
Is that scenario cruel? That’s what you’re living. You didn’t get yourself pregnant. But you’re suffering, in pain, and discomfort, for a situation that he helped create. You’re the only one sacrificing — and he’s placing MORE demands on you instead of lightening your load. Worse, he is ABUSING YOU.
Before we get into his charming hooker habit, let’s discuss the deadbeat problem. You’re the sole breadwinner? Are you fucking kidding me? Who’s paying for Bambi to suck his dick? YOU?
This man is leeching off of you. The good news is, you’ve already learned to live without his financial contribution. Which is probably how this scenario will continue — with child support he won’t pay. I know you’re not ready to hear it, but if I were you, unmarried, having bred with a fuckwit, I would not put him on the birth certificate and I would talk to a lawyer about custody and terminating his parental rights. He can see this child at YOUR discretion, but preferably not at all.
All because he wants to bang hookers, Tracy? Isn’t that a bit harsh? Doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to be a father.
I’m looking down the long arc of parenting. What’s best for Babymummachump and child? Get out while the getting is good. Before he can model his abuse to a child.
Yesterday, he left the house and when he returned told me he had been ‘seen to’ by the prostitute and was now ‘satisfied’ for the time being.
Vinnie thwacks his head. Brain matter spatters on the pavement. He’s satisfied for the time being.
Excuse me. Back to you. THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE.
You are not a sexual vending machine. He doesn’t get to insert his dick every time he wants a treat. You are not obliged to fuck him. Especially not when you’re SICK with UTIs and God knows what else, in your second trimester.
You MATTER. His flaming entitlement can go jerk itself off.
recurring UTIs that have meant I have been on antibiotics for pretty much the entire pregnancy. I have also been diagnosed with a different kind of infection that threatens the baby
Talk to your gyno. Get a full STD test. It sounds like he’s been fucking prostitutes throughout your pregnancy. I’m so sorry.
I know I cannot continue in the relationship, but have no idea how to untangle myself from the man I considered my rock and life partner.
He is NOT your rock. He’s an anchor. A despicable human being. His dick is more important than your health or your child’s health.
I know he will be distraught at losing me and the family we had planned.
He will be distraught at losing your paycheck.
He will be distraught at the loss of his image of Family Man.
He does not care about you or the family you planned. That’s obvious from his behavior.
Our families will be devastated, and I am mortified at the thought of sharing what’s happened with my or his parents.
This isn’t your shame to bear. You tell them, “I ended it, because he’s been endangering my health by seeing prostitutes during my pregnancy. That’s a deal breaker.”
I cannot get my head around how his ‘need’ for a blow job supersedes our family’s need for trust and stability.
You can’t understand it because you’re not a pathetic cum stain of a person.
I can’t understand how he could not do without oral for a year or so while my body is ravaged by pregnancy symptoms, in order we can bring a baby into a loving and stable environment.
Well, his “doing without” is not your problem any more. He can do without you sucking his dick and paying his bills, and putting your body through hell to birth a child.
You WILL bring a baby into a stable and loving environment — because YOU bring love and stability. Not him.
If he gets angry?
You’re getting your needs met elsewhere.
I am so angry on behalf of babymummachump! I hope she listens to CL and kicks that abusive FW to the curb!!!
Your landlord selling the house is a blessing as now you’re forced to move. Don’t move with him.
I would find a new place and get friends to move me out fast so he doesn’t even know where I went. lol
⬆️ That is the first thing I thought of. It is a blessing because you and the baby you’re carrying and caring for get to move out without him.
I’m very sad to say that he probably will NOT “be distraught at losing me and the family we had planned”. We chumps tend to project our feelings onto scum that don’t have any. I think everyone here will agree that YOU cared, and tried and planned while he sat back and let you think this was his plan as well.
Many of us would be thrilled if we could extract our cheaters from our children’s lives.
Examine for a moment what he would bring to your child’s life? Commitment? No.
Pure love and respect for their mom? No.
Pure love and respect for your child? No. No loving father would put their future child’s health at risk.
Teach them a strong work ethic? No.
Morality? No.
How to be responsible with money? No.
I’m sure you get the point.
This freak is a leech and he has your mind so twisted in the blender that you cannot think straight. But part of you is strong enough to have written to Chump Lady. Please take her advice and leave the trash on the curb while you move to a new, safe environment.
This will probably be the hardest thing you ever do! But you’re now responsible for a soon to be new life who deserves to start life with just a strong, proud mother and a fuckwit-free environment.
If possible she should move in with her parents. I am sure they would share the outrage CN is feeling right now. Thank God she didn’t marry this creep or she’d be liable for alimony. He’s a bum and a louse that is feeling confident Babymummachump will put up with anything because she is pregnant. Babymummachump he has shown you who he is…a good for nothing bum that is just fine with his pregnant girlfriend supporting his lazy ass and apparently now feels he has carte blanche to cheat. Oh and don’t think for a moment this was his first time cheating…I think it will come to light he’s been cheating all along.
The recurring UTIs point to him having cheated before.
When I was married and before we had our child, I kept on getting UTI and yeast infections. After the kid was born, I didn’t want to go back on birth control, and since XAss refused to get a vasectomy, I insisted we use condoms. Huh, after that I stopped getting the UTI’s and infections. Imagine that.
Same Exact Experience. 52 year old man child never wanted kids. ME: he had the luxury of me having an IUD. IUD had expired after 10 years. I wanted a tubal. But sinceI was 39 I had to sign government forms claiming I don’t want a child. I had a hysterosalpingiogram Yes Painful. Only one doctor in San Diego does them because the men don’t use twilight anesthesia. I was on dialysis at the time, so if one sperm gets out or and std, I am fucked. The baby man said he would get one then changed his mind. All I did was give him a business card. Im not doing the work for you! Look at how many times I have needles in my arms 3x a week for 4 hours. And Mammone could not get an easy snip. Its free (and smart) in the Navy where its done for free with just ice. So yes we went the awful condom route that stank, was expensive, and reminded me of high school. He refused to get a teeny tiny snip! I MADE him take me to the hospital and watch as much as they allow, while the guide wires are measuring my fundus and Fallopian tubes.. I was about get a kidney transplant any day now as I was at the top of my list. But he had already been fucking AND Dating his co-worker. I have never felt pain and betrayal like lat in my life. Im sure he was a chameleon. His family supports me and they are wonderful. They say, that he was never raised to be such a dirty scumbag. Well he is. As soon as I presented proof of same old ho-worker, the anger came and he blamed me for everything! He wouldn’t let me take my cats back. I took all the groceries I bought back because I knew its survival time. I had no where to go. I told him togo to his 42′ sailboat which is listed as a second house. He said NO. So much projection, and gaslighting. I have never been discarded and betrayed the that my entire life. He was perfect for the first three years and I loved our friends. This is what sociopaths do to you. They don’t give a fuck about you. Its all about image management. Well his friends can take it ir leave it. I know who I am. I haven’t trusted a date in 3 years. Partly bc of covid and mostly because my kidney transplant. He could never understand the the strength I have. # months later he had another floozy. Poor lady. she will see soon enough. He comes first. Could do his vasectomy in his sleep. my god. Karma will find some woman to have triplets with. There goes all of his money. Idiot.
OMG, Margaret. I’m sorry. ????
What a complete waste of DNA that guy is. I hope your kidney health is better now.
I don’t trust enough to date either, and it’s not just Covid. It’s almost like I used up all my trust on the FW and have none left.
I’m so sorry, Margaret…you didn’t deserve that at all.
My situation has some similarities to yours (him not wanting kids, the ho-worker).
Sending love and comfort to you!
Absolutely
For years my gynecologist was trying to figure out why am I having so many infections. Am I allergic to condoms? We have talked about 10001 options.
The only option we haven’t discussed was my husband fucking randos and hookers.
Before I got pregnant, during my two pregnancies and after.
Who would jeopardize LIFE of a wife & children?!?
Well, my husband had no issue with that.
After I demanded the STD testing ( I wanted to know if his presence in any way dangerous ) and he received a negative results, his reaction left me speechless
With a smirk he said “ you see? You were overreacting, I told you I was careful “
Ugh…
OMG, dump this guy NOW!!!! Where is he getting money for hookers???? Hopefully you are not paying for this habit. He should be using his money to get baby things and to pamper you during this time not on his dick! You are being abused!!! Get out now!!!!! This guy goes above and beyond any FW. Your life will not get worse, it will get better. Family and friends will get over your breakup. Get rid of the scum NOW!!!!!
He does do some low paid work and contributes to expenses like foodand social events, and has for the vehicle we share. I pay rent and utilities (and also contribute to food and social events). I guess I know now why he doesn’t ever seem to have money for basic expenses like bills/rent.
Now you know why you have all these weird infections too. You need to get away from him. His habit of having sex with diseased hookers can literally kill you and your baby. You need to go mama bear.
My ex cheated in me through pregnancy. When I think back to that time, telling midwives I had no STIs with such confidence… And how he could have given me an infection that could have killed my baby, I still shudder. I will never forgive him. I hate that my daughter – who is 7 now- thinks the world of him. He endangered us both with such casual disregard.
Yes! This is your health and your baby. I have a close friend who was born with half a brain. It was from herpes. Herpes causes babies to go blind and have so many problems. She raised the child until 14 and he gracefully died. The guy dumped her so fast saying my child aint a retard! While she slept in her car. I mean this guy who came from a family of contractors on the central coast. needs to be arrested. He needs to get together with my ex. Everyone please pray to the goddess Karma former power to manage these bastards. If we women did the same to men, wouldn’t life be great? Prostitutes, vacations, fine wine and dinner, no screaming babies. It would be so nice to walk away. Not a care in the world. Its unimanageable. Karma will get them for bank fraud like they always do. There is no pussy in PRISON. Boo Hoo Hoo.
I’m so sorry babymammachump he is awful. I hope you find a nice new place all to yourself without him. My FW always lied about where he was spending money and never seemed to have money for our basic needs (because he was spending it on other women). It’s common among these FW. You will likely feel so much better once you’re away from him as there are many other invisible abuses that can make you feel physically awful (as well as psychologically). Please get out ASAP. We’re all here for you and know how terrifying it is, but your health is clearly at risk and will continue to be if you stay with this FW. We all wish we had left sooner. ((HUGS))
Is it possible for you to move in with your family or even friends? You need to get away from this creep and I’m pretty sure your body is signaling to leave with all the health issues you’ve suffered.
I am sorry to say that it seems you have been babytrapped. Consider, if you are projecting onto him, what is he projecting onto you. He has decided that his junk is more important than respect, honour, or loyalty. Please , put yourself first, and get to a safe place. Do not depend on him. He will not be there for you. Check out Lundy Bancrofts Why does He do That. ( it is free to read on line.) Get a full spectrum STD check. STD’s can contribute to difficulty’s in pregnancy. Take care, stay safe. Do not feel embarrassed about letting people know why you left. It is not your fault. You did nothing to deserve this treatment. He lacks discipline, empathy and any way to see beyond his own wants. Wants, not needs. There are duties and obligations that he is not fulfilling. He gets an F- in partner relations for being such a selfish child. Good luck.
You’re overfunctioning in the relationship to compensate for his underfunctioning. All that does is allow him to continue to underfunction without the loss of any creature comforts. If you stay with this guy, you will be responsible for not one baby but two – your actual baby and this baby man. He won’t step up, he won’t get better. He’ll just work less and demand more.
I’ve lived this, minus the baby. I did not like the stressed-out, cranky, suspicious, distracted, exhausted shell of a person I became.
So I left. It was hard, because I thought I loved him, and more importantly I thought he loved me, but I left anyway.
Four years out, my life is brilliant.
Babymummachump, please give yourself and your baby the fresh start you deserve!
I did not realize what a financial drag my cheating ex was until he left. Suddenly, I had more time, money, and closet space than ever before. I thought he needed me, but he moved straight into his parents’ basement and hasn’t left.
He has custody of our kids every other week and lets his (crazy) parents do the parenting. He wants me to pay him child support. He uses his kids and “great Dad” image to lure in new chumps.
It took a lot for me to finally accept the fact that he does not think and feel like a regular human being, and there is no point trying to reason with him or co-parent. I can’t trust him, I can only trust that he sucks.
Now is your chance to escape this human tampon. He told you who he is: a man that neglects the mother of his child, solicits sex from strangers, and expects you to compete with sex workers.
This is not a man you want to share custody with. Period. He is grooming you for worse treatment and you will look back one day and either regret/or be grateful for the decisions you make today.
I wanted so badly to preserve something good from my marriage by hanging on tightly. But it turns out the good was me and the kids. He was just along for the ride.
At least a tampon is useful.
Leave this guy off the birth certificate. Acquaintance in a similar situation put the bf of the certificate and it turned out most of his income was cash under the table. The child support was a pittance and then his family turned out to be super crazy including at least one pedophile. The child support wasn’t worth it and she regretted being unable to just walk away.
If you are paying the bulk of the expenses and he is using his money on hookers, he has some entitlement issues. You and the baby need to be priority number one. His dick is his priority. Don’t make excuses or project onto him. He is spending money on HOOKERS when you have bills to pay. Please get STD tested and stop having sex with that creature. Kick him out and your health will improve drastically and you will probably find you have more money without a FW spending it on HOOKERS.
Babymammachump, I am SOOOO angry for you! So you GUESS you now know why he doesn’t ever seem to have money for basic expenses like bills/rent?
Listen to someone who also used to spackle about expenses: my FW always complained about never having enough $ and the fault was always mine.
So, who is paying for Bambi to suck his dick? YOU are and so is your baby.
Stay strong, this is a life skill and your baby is going to need a strong mother.
“Some” low-paid work? What is he doing with all of his free time? I mean, we know what he is doing, really, but what is his excuse for mostly doing nothing?
You share a vehicle that you bought? Fuck that. Get your car back. You will need it for the baby. The punter can take the bus. Separate everything financial that you share with this leech.
Babymammachump, whatever you do, DON’T MARRY HIM. Getting rid of him will be infinitely more difficult if you’re married.
And I believe Chumplady gave you good advice re not putting his name on the baby’s birth certificate. But you’ll want to talk to a lawyer about that.
You may want to consider STD testing as well. Please carefully consider the content on this site when planning. This human shaped dumpster fire is not going to change, you and your baby deserve a better future.
I can’t agree enough with Chump Lady and the other commenters telling you to SEE A LAWYER STAT and leave him off the birth certificate. Consider moving, especially if you have ties out of state.
If this is how he treats you while you’re freaking pregnant, he’ll ramp up the abuse especially once the baby arrives. You need to leave him and protect yourself. Lawyer’s your first stop. Grieve later.
Please please listen to folks here.
Go live with your parents for a bit if you can. Tell them the truth. They will help you move. Leave now. If you stay it will never be the right time. Or he will just get better at hiding things. My bet is he’s had ‘friends’ for a long time as his needs are more important than anyone our anything else.
CL is right, don’t list his name. Be prepared for him to turn into a victim. There will be friends who listen to him. They are not your friends, not your tribe.
You are lucky to know this before you were married. Things are much harder legally then.
I am sending you huge hugs – this should be a wonderful time (even sick) as you are having a baby. Go start being a mom and remove this boat anchor now. Be as good to yourself as you can. Get tested for STDs – I’m worried that you may have something going on harming you or your baby.
Get CLs book – it will still help you even though you are not married.
Continue getting support from this group. Come daily post as often as it helps – there are som many of us here with so many different stories. You will be understood, promise.
Again, hugs.
I really hope that you will set your emotions aside and listen to us. People like him play the long game. They see we are good “supply,” meaning they can have a caring person “stupid” enough to be manipulated by them. That’s how they see us. I first came to CL many years ago and sadly took the cheater back. Learned the lesson even harder the next round. I hope for your child’s sake and the self dignity that exists within you that you can see or at least hear what we see clearly from the outside. We have no ties to this man, so we see the data. This man has used you, he does not have empathy for you, he may have put you and your baby at further risk (the infection your child has is hopefully not STD related). I didn’t think I had any mighty in me when I left. Just one step at a time. Please don’t repeat my mistakes and leave him now. He cheated. With a prostitute. While you were pregnant. God knows what he has done behind your back.
lawyer up, you are the bread winner
you need to move into your own place NOW, you need to get child support nailed down NOW with the lawyer
dump him NOW, run, run far, run fast, this is only going to get worse
Not a full parody today — I think we’re all horrified at this description and would, if we could, harness our rage into some act of retribution on behalf of Babymummachump.
But if I could suggest a banner song title for her to proceed with going forward? (with apologies to Todd Rundgren)
“I Don’t Want This Jerk, I Just Want to Bang On His Dong All Day”
UXW,
You got me with the Runt riff! Lmao.
Babymummachump,
Not much to laugh about today. Oh, how I know. Five years out and the sun is shining on me.
I, too, am angry at the very thought of that f*boy f*wit that is your parasite. It IS a blessing from the Universe of Good that you don’t need to break a lease to break free from that goon. Use that spiritual momentum. Team Babymummachump can help you move on, physically and emotionally. Line up your network – those who believe you, believe in you, and also want to kick his tail – and BOLT! I moved 6 times last year, with a new diagnosis of cancer. And my daughter’s cantankerous cat. It is possible and exhausting, but far more manageable than sticking your head back into his mindfuck blender. When you and bebby are safe again you will have some bandwidth to grieve and focus on the two of you. A WHOLE family. Without a weak link.
Just a wise guess: he was relieved that he stopped HIDING his hooker (&who knows what other extra-relationship) tricks (sorry, I cannot resist a pun – good or bad). The sheer audacity of his pronouncement screams “you’re not the boss of me.”
Run! Run, Babymummachump!
We who bred with fuckwits and were this forced to interact throughout divorce and child support admire, respect, snd encourage your freedom.
Big hugs, Bmc!
YES YES YES to all of this. Thank you, CL!
BMC,
He’s endangered your health and the health of your baby by fucking around (and I agree that the visit to a prostitute that he’s informed you of is not his first visit to a prostitute). Don’t have sex with him anymore at all, because you don’t know what he’s dipped his wick in. And as long as you have to move, move without him.
He’s a parasite leeching off you.
100% he’s visited hookers before – and he’s only telling hurt her NOW to hurt her. Almost like he’s shoving her face in it: “Well, you’re pregnant and sick and stuck with me now! Haha, bitch!”
Your Ex must be my Ex’s brother. You don’t want to find yourself with an STD like I did after the birth of my third child with the loser.
This isn’t going to be easy but you telling yourself he can be different doesn’t make him so. My Ex, probably like yours, swore “I’ll never do it again! You and the kids mean so much to me! Please forgive me.”
He’s now married to his secretary, has a red convertible and took our daughter to DisneyWorld. That’s not a metaphor. Losers don’t change, they get worse.
Get out now. Like everyone here is saying, while you have the chance to move, move. Your forward momentum is screaming at you with the blessing of being forced to move. Take this opportunity and don’t give him a key, don’t reply to his texts and get a lawyer. Protect your child from this abuser.
It will be hard in the sort term. In the long term your life will be SO MUCH BETTER!
“This isn’t going to be easy but you telling yourself he can be different doesn’t make him so.”
SO TRUE !!!!!
I believed my Cheater could be better so I waited for YEARS hoping and praying and yet he still treated me like shit.
He treated me like shit because he wanted to and apparently could. The end.
Your Cheater’s bold declaration of having been satisfied by a prostitute was horror personified. And one way or the other, he was spending grocery money on that and it didn’t sound like his first rodeo.
I work in maternity care and you can be admitted to Labor and Delivery as a “no information” patient and they can’t even tell people you are there. Go home to your own new home from there.
I’m sorry for this, it hurts so damn bad.
Melissa – the similarities between our comments are spooky!
Coool!
Go now. Many of us stuck around way too long with men like this and you are young with a long life ahead of you. Model safe and sane parenting to your kids. Leave now. This will not get better.
I think I can safely say that you have a nation of people, Chump Nation, who have your back.
HE can’t do without oral sex and is seeing prostitutes? And not even hiding it.
I’d like to highlight a few essentials that YOU are doing without. The list is LONG. This is just for starters:
You are doing without TRUST.
You are doing without SAFETY.
You are doing without KINDNESS.
You are doing without EMOTIONAL MATURITY (his).
You are doing without LOVE.
THIS IS NOT WHAT LOVE LOOKS LIKE.
He is hard at work devastating YOU, 24/7/365. Never mind the families!!!!
I am getting in line behind Chump Lady with my threaded lead pipe.
I am glad to hear you don’t need Mr. Pond Scum’s money, and that your housing situation is BEING UPGRADED, to a new location. WITHOUT the black rot masquerading as a boyfriend, thank you very much.
I am so so very sorry for your pain. And this is lifesaving surgery without anesthesia, to be sure.
SENDING LOVE.
❤️❤️❤️
And PLEASE do your best to find an excellent therapist to add to your pit crew. You need a trusted experienced guardian angel to guide you who will fill in the space vacated by Black Rot Boyfriend. The families are not a substitute for the objective trained expert help of a really good therapist and often are part of the problem, consciously or unconsciously.
I know now that Traitor Ex had a secret sexual double life going on while I was pregnant. I think the absolute lowest life form is someone who doesn’t even bother to lie about it.
There are billions of people on the planet. There is no need to give this fool for one more second of your precious life, or your precious baby’s life. And being on your own is light years better than sharing air space with this total creep. If he was the last man on the planet I would not let him near me. And I REALLY don’t want him near you or your baby!
☹️
Velvet Hammer, after reading stories on this site, including yours, I’m amazed at how many narcissistic leeches are in the world – male, female and nonbinary. Sometimes I think I’m fortunate to be a suspicious, paranoid, mistrustful survivor of my childhood with an alcoholic parent. I think it’s kept me out of trouble on many occasions.
Just no way. This might be just the tip of the iceberg and is only the beginning of his wayward ways. If he’s so weak on the sexual front that he feels entitled to a prostitute while you are pregnant, he’s not going to be faithful, period. “Satisfied for the time being,” indeed. He gave you all the right words for a time, but his actions say it all.
I’m also disturbed that he’s not contributing financially. Maybe he’s in school or whatever, but I’ve seen more than once where men defer to the woman to bring home the bacon and gestate/birth the children while they piddle around trying to find themselves. That is not acceptable.
Oh BMC, I’m so sorry. Your, and your baby’s, health is your only priority now, not FW. I know it is hard. Unfortunately, he has shown you his true (lack of) character. Do not be embarrassed to tell your friends and family why you must leave him. That is his issue to be embarrassed by, not yours. You only put your heart and body where they were not protected.
Please keep us posted that you are safe.
Thank you chump lady for printing my letter. I am in a hotel for the moment trying to get the strength to take some action. He doesn’t know where I am but is ringing my phone off the hook accusing me of taking his child away. I don’t even know what to feel right now. The thought my uti’s could be caused by an STD just made me throw up. Sorry I am rambling, I am gathering strength and have friend driving to be with me over the weekend.
I am so happy you have support of your friend who is helping you. You are going to feel better (I hope) once you find rest and emotional confidence in yourself.
Tell your medical provider right away. You don’t want any STDs to affect your child. I’m so sorry. Don’t answer the phone. Get a lawyer and have all communication go through them.
Please please find a lawyer soon. I know it’s so hard to think that way right now, but you can’t wait. Listen to the line he is already taunting you with, claiming you are “taking HIS baby away”.
You don’t have much time. Please find a lawyer this week.
Best to you and YOUR baby.
Yes, he is harassing you and claiming ownership of child (and by extension, you) to keep you trapped. This has emotional abuse all over it. You need a lawyer.
Glad you’re away.
Stay away or go home. Definitely tell your family the truth. You have nothing to be ashamed about and I pray they will support you 100%.
Block him on your phone and read all of Chump Lady’s posts about NO CONTACT.
I will save your life.
Then see a lawyer now to find out his parental rights.
Sorry, IT will change your life
This!
Also if you trust them, warn your workplace that he may show up demanding to see you. Most workplaces have or should hve a domestic violence protocol. Confirm that the front desk/receptionist is not to confirm or deny that you are there and can screen your messages if your workplace has one. Document all of his attempts to contact you/find you in case you need a restraining order.
I’m so glad your friend is coming. Take a few deep breaths and know that you CAN do what needs to be done to keep your baby safe. Do not ever again have sex with that piece of trash sperm donor. The next few weeks and months will be hard, but you will get through and it WILL get better. Also, tell your parents NOW that he has been seeing prostitutes and that you are breaking up with him. And if you get any pushback tell them that the baby’s health is your top concern and the piece of trash is putting the baby in danger.
Block his number and get a lawyer! If he keeps trying to contact you, report him to law enforcement and get a protective order. You need not ever have direct contact with this FW again, and best for you and baby if you don’t.
I recommend NOT blocking his number. Definitely don’t answer or respond – but this could escalate. If he sends threatening texts you want to see them and they may help you get full custody / protective order.
This!
OP you can make a free new google voice number that goes to your phone. Turn of notifications from the number he has. The google voice number can go to your trusted friends, doctors, lawyer and family. If he finds it you can delete it and start over. Keep the texts on the old number. You can ask your friend to screen them for you so you don’t have to read them. Same for email.
Agreed. Also if he gets truly pissed he might send a text to the effect of “ I don’t want you or the baby.” Which would be extremely helpful to an attorney.
BMC, CALL YOUR LOCAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE/WOMEN’S SHELTER!
Him bombing your phone claiming you are taking his child away after how he has behaved, and he openly tells you he is seeing prostitutes?! This is Code Blue serious domestic violence going on.
https://www.thehotline.org/
Call the national hotline (link above) or Google for local assistance.
NOW.
❤️
BMC,
Get a notebook at the drugstore or office supply and START DOCUMENTING WHAT HE IS DOING.
Date, time, details. Phone calls. Words. Actions. Behavior. Etc.
Start with what you remember.
Then look at this to write down what you remember that comes under the headings on the Power and Control Wheel:
https://www.blackburncenter.org/post/how-the-power-control-wheel-helps-us-understand-domestic-violence
And keep the log going daily. It helps YOU gain clarity and break the spell. It will also aid you if there is a custody dispute.
If there has been any physical violence, call the police and get him on that radar.
This individual is NOT loving you. LOVE is a VERB and that means RESPECT.
Cheating is just ONE form of disrespect.
LOVE IS RESPECT.
Cheaters and those they cheat with don’t respect ANYBODY. So when they use the word “love”, laugh and love yourself by getting away and living with love and caring and kindness toward YOURSELF (and your baby!)
❤️
Velvet, great advice on the notebook. My lawyer here in PA advised me that your notes written shortly after an event are admissible as evidence. You may want them for protective orders, custody, and child support.
⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️
Screenshot any threatening or abusive texts. Save in an album on your phone.
Save any threatening or abusive emails. You can also print out and keep in a safe place, along with your notebook documenting.
Keep the notebook with you so you can immediately write down things that come to mind or as they happen.
I still do this, four and a half years later as I share custody of a child and a business with Traitor Ex.
⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️
I agree. This is abusive behaviour and needs immediate attention
The x gave me HPV just in time for the birth of our first child. It was very traumatic and humiliating.
After the 3rd was born I was diagnosed with Trich.
I had so many UTIS, assorted STDS and infections while we were married.
I haven’t had a single one since I finally realized that he wasn’t going to change and called it over after more than 40 years of marriage.
I deserved better, so much better.
Don’t be me.
Glad you left. Hes a parasite. Taking his child away?! He by his foolishness put that same child at risk. Please stay away don’t fall for his oh it was a mistake etc. And when people want to know why you left tell them just like CL said.
HE took the child away from himself by seeing hookers! You did nothing except logically react to his conduct. Classic narc blameshifting! It’s not what they did, it’s your (totally normal) reaction to it!
If you stay with this guy the abuse will only ramp up. Run like your hair is on fire. He is a disgusting piece of shit loser. He’s calling you frantically because he’s scared of losing his useful chump appliance ,not because he cares about you.His actions clearly demonstrate that he doesn’t.Not that I’m advocating violence but I’m amazed at your restraint in not lamping him over the head with a heavy object when he made his announcement about the prostitute.
Get away from this abuse ASAP. I’m so sorry you’ve had to endure this.
So glad to hear you are away from him…not to pile on and I’m not being cruel but right now he is in a panic, not because you are taking his child away but because his meal ticket is threatened. Even if he didn’t cheat I would urge you to walk away. The last thing you need in life is a dead weight.
I am so glad you are safe and away from him. Please take care of yourself and do NOT take his calls or read his texts. He will just make things up about his legal rights as a father…do a free consult with a lawyer to know exactly where you stand. Your stbx will continue to lie and manipulate you if he knows you are listening.
I have been working with birthing families for the past 30 years and I can tell you that one safe, sane, and stable parent is SO much better for babies. I parented with an abuser for years and it did unspeakable damage to me and my children. You have the chance now to avoid this, please take it for you baby and yourself. And all of us!!!
Please turn off the location finder on your phone just in case. And please, please, please don’t answer his calls or texts. Sending love and support your way.
BCM, abuse is all about power and control. If he was concerned about your health , it would be one thing. But he is not. He is throwing a temper-tantrum. Block him. Go no contact. Leaving may lead him to becoming violent. Do not give in. Stay safe. Hugs
Oh, so he’s not even blubbering apologies now, he’s angry and making accusations about you taking his child away… He’s a flat out psychopath. I’m so sorry. Men like that are dangerous. Do not ever be alone with him again. He’s showing you what he is. Work on accepting it. I’m so sorry, I had to accept that reality too. I know it’s hard. I’m glad you have a friend coming to stay with you.
He’s not sorry he feels entitled.
What’s more significant is that he isn’t even socially aware enough to apologize. He’s poorly regulated and likely to lash out impulsively.
Yep, he’s on the rage channel now.
That took courage, to get out from under an awful, poisonous man! Block his number for as long as you need to, leave him off the birth certificate, and don’t let him know where you are ever again. You deserve a bit of rest and a good life with your little one!!!
I feel in awe of how quickly you reacted. It usually takes people longer to heave themselves out of the quicksand of gaslighting. Typically the worse the offense (and the offense you describe is off the charts), the more shock it induces and so it can actually be harder to shift into action mode. But you obviously have some steel in your spine. That’s good. That’s beautiful. That’s the best trait of the best mothers. You have everything it takes to rock the world. Just keep it up and keep those friends and family around who totally support you.
He can cry that you’re “stealing his child” all he wants. Maybe he can join those weird men’s groups that try to banish domestic violence protections in the hopes battered women lose any chance of keeping full custody (there are male chumps here who’ve been falsely accused but even they don’t proclaim membership of those bizarre groups). But thankfully your FW is very disadvantaged in trying to control you through your progeny. For one, he didn’t marry you (thank God). Then he takes money out of your mouth (and umbilical cord) to serve his pathetic dick. He commits psychologically devastation on your while you’re struggling with a risky pregnancy. He may even have subconsciously wanted to kill the baby by exposing it to disease. If you can prove he did what he did (if secret audiotaping is legal in your state, you might be able to get him to confess on tape. If you’re in the US, check here for legality: https://recordinglaw.com/united-states-recording-laws/one-party-consent-states/) or even that you developed an STI because of his conduct, his chances of being recognized as a father or getting visitation decrease and that’s as it should be. Blood may be thicker than water but so is used motor oil. No one would hire a guy who goes to hookers– much less a guy who tortures his pregnant girlfriend with the fact– to even babysit their kids. In the true spirit of justice, he just forfeited any “father’s rights” he ever had.
You’re not rambling, Babymammachump, you’re reeling from a horrible betrayal. But you’re strong and your friend is going to help. You got this! Block the FW on your phone.
My husband cheated on me when I was pregnant with a prostitute and I didn’t go. We worked it out.
Great, right?
No.
No.
Years of “sex addiction therapy” marital counseling on and on and on.
You know, when the only person they give a fuck for is the hooker things don’t improve No matter how much he pays lip service to it.
I’m still married 13 years later. Sunk fucking costs. After a decade of recovery work, yes, I’ve sculpted a unicorn. But holy fuck. I could’ve done so much other shit with my life and truth be told I STILL think about it every goddamn day. It sure didn’t help he lied about it for 8 years.
I want out but at the same time I’m not about to burn my kids’ house down at this point. They’re happy, we’re stable. I like the guy. But goddamn. It never leaves.
It NEVER EVER LEAVES. It never leaves the pleasant afternoons, it never leaves the holidays (he fucked her on Christmas Day), it never leaves the bedroom for me. It never leaves while I struggle with obesity and body image issues.
It’s a constant drag and I SHOULD HAVE LEFT 5 mins after I knew he was trying to sleep around. I was scared but I would’ve figured out SOMETHING.
You will too.
Leave for us that didn’t, okay?
“It never leaves the pleasant afternoons…” This right here. I hate it. I know exactly what you mean.
Alexandra,
Love,
You can still go. I was 55 when I had Dday #3 – decades after the first 2. My jackass’s carrot fell off his head and I refused to eat another shit sandwich. 31 years together, 29 married. Kids were 21m & 15f at the time. Sunk fuckin costs ENDED there. My new life began. It wasn’t easy at first. I was trauma-bonded to that POS, believing his “you couldn’t survive without me” to my core.
Until I didn’t.
I had bought the RIC bullshit 26 years earlier, the sex addiction bullshit, yadda, yadda. Hell, after our “successful” marriage counseling I went to grad school to become a therapist, ffs! Guess what? It didn’t affair-proof nuthin!
I was fortunate to find CL & CN in time and got myself free.
My kids saw his abuse. Most recent/known AP even came on to my son while she was f*ing his father. They saw me say, “Enough.” HE blew up their family and they knew it.
I am pursuing dreams I had given up on long ago. I have my own home, a great professional reputation, and solid friends (the Switzerland ones showed themselves). I have so much more peace on my own now, not pandering to a FW’s every pout. I know what I want in a relationship and won’t settle until I find it.
Ex FW has already hired – oops, martied – wife appliance #3. The odds are not in their favor.
Alexandra, I am not judging your choice to stay. I know there are a million little reasons that seem to make sense, especially when kids are smaller. Just know YOU can change YOUR MIND at any time. You don’t have to build a case or convince anyone but yourself. I’m sending you big. BIG hugs lady. I just felt you after reading your comment. You deserve better.
A thousand yesses.
Alexandra, there was a comment applauding babymamachump for the steel in her spine. (And damn, you sure do, BMC, you are AWESOME and so brave).
You’ve got it too.
You deserve better. You can’t keep living like this. You’ll bleed out eventually.
More big hugs.
This man is a cruel psychopath. This behaviour is shocking. It reeks of he got an STD or something and was about to get busted so he ‘admitted’ to it and made it into a need. He was going to get caught for some reason. I’m so sorry you’re pregnant and vulnerable, trust me, only a monster would do this. This is disgusting behaviour. You WILL be happier on the other side of this pain without him. He’s a curse. Just remember he is not the solution to your pain – he causes pain. Only a monster would do this to someone. His actions also are gaslighting you and controlling you to make you feel like you must be his servant now. This man is trash.
Your sole job is to protect that baby and you’ve taken the first step in getting away from him. Please stay strong. You don’t need him. He has already failed as a father by willingly compromising his child’s health. Fast forward 2 years and he’ll think nothing of leaving the baby unattended in the bath whilst sexting his latest whore, or forgetting the baby in the hot car while he jerks off to porn in the bedroom. Dump his ass for good!
Good job! Also be sure if you share a phone plan and apple phones turn off tracking.
Be sure if you share an account and have an apple phone turn off tracking.
Babymummachump: I am very worried about you. The stress, sickness and conditions you are describing indicate a high risk ( I am not a doctor or medical person) situation for you and your little. You need meds, rest, quality nutrition – as much as you can hold down, and extreme care – for you.
What would be the top 3 things that YOU can control that would make your world better right now?
Less stress? Emotional calm?
More sleep? Less upset stomach?
Make a plan to address each one, no matter how simple the solution – and note it.
Even baby steps will help you re establish your confidence. You will be a parent soon. You can do this.
I am sorry this is happening to you while you are having a difficult pregnancy.
I would strongly advise taking maternity or sick leave ASAP to have time to get things sorted: starting with evicting him or leaving, then checking in with family or friends to be completely taken care of. This woman needs to put up her dang feet and be REVERED!!!!!!
Sadly there might not be someone who can really take care of her. Women who overfunction like this typically come from a background of neglect.
Not necessarily a history of neglect. Abusers also jujitsu healthy character traits like empathy and a strong work ethic and manage to turn wonderful qualities into liabilities. Women can be particularly vulnerable simply because of the evolutionary hard-wired tendency to “tend and befriend” when in crisis.
In any case, DV researchers increasingly argue that the reasons victims get entrapped can all reliably be traced to the tactics and behavior of abusers. That obviously doesn’t mean that people with traumatic backgrounds can’t be abused, it just means it doesn’t necessarily have any bearing on why they were entrapped to begin with even if past trauma can deepen the quicksand. This can literally happen to anyone. For every human being on earth, there’s a predator that can get past our defenses. That’s partly what makes it so diabolical and also why bystanders often start blaming the victim. Finding fault with victims– some special reason the victim was targeted– is a knee-jerk means by which bystanders can deny their own universal vulnerability. It’s sometimes called the “safe world” or “just world” effect.
“For every human being on earth, there’s a predator that can get past our defenses.”
Thank you for pointing that out. Anyone’s defences can be bypassed, just not by every abuser. The higher the defences, the more covert and complex are the tactics the abuser will have to have mastered to succeed. Ask me how I know…
“the reasons victims get entrapped can all reliably be traced to the tactics and behavior of abusers.“
The best prevention, though never bulletproof, is spreading the word about the tactics and behaviours abusers tend to weaponise. Instead of dissecting and categorising the victims, we need to spotlight the abusers. But I guess they aren’t the clients therapists relying on to pay their bills.
“Instead of dissecting and categorising the victims, we need to spotlight the abusers.” I’m glad you feel that way. When the advocacy organization I worked with did this, it was considered VERY controversial to the point of impacting funding. Aside from offering practical support, the service offered an online library of material on batterer psychology and clinical tomes on captor bonding– meaning the material on victimology focused only on what happens in the course of abuse and its aftermath.
The founder, a survivor herself who had originally been a computer scientist, had a very simple formula: if shaming and blaming are the chief tool that abusers use to control victims, then it was a crock for those who purported to help these people to dish out more of the same. Furthermore, why not empower victims by turning the tables and letting them put their own abusers in a petri dish and studying them like bugs, studying their tactics, etc.? The reasoning was that if the statistics didn’t support the idea that all or even most battering victims came from dysfunctional backgrounds (in fact they’re no more likely to than anyone else), then it could not be considered “the” cause of domestic violence and wasn’t relevant to crisis intervention unless someone really desired to talk about it.
The approach had an interesting effect. If someone felt that their FOO issues had complicated their situations, they felt free to talk about it but they wouldn’t foist this interpretation on others who didn’t have the same experience and all agreed that the cause of it lay entirely with perpetrators. There were even some women who’s tough backgrounds made them fight back harder and they had a voice too. In any case, you can always tell when an approach is working because diverse people find common ground and everyone starts adopting humor as a survival tool. The tone of meetings could switch from hilarity (usually at the expense of some abuser or his shithead attorney or flying monkeys) to solemnity if there was a new member with a terrible story. It was the first thing I noticed about CL and CN. Yay.
People would ask me if it was a big drag working with survivors and I never understood the question. No, it was inspiring, beautiful, incredible.It’s pretty amazing how brilliant people who are fighting for their lives can show themselves to be. There were women who didn’t finish high school who could recite mechanisms of the neurofeedback loop in PTSD and cite research on deindividated violence, etc. It was very exciting and that service cranked out a lot of newly minted activists who had become “unpatronizable” by lousy therapists and blamey bystanders. They knew their shit.
I read a passage from Noam Chomsky where he described the irony of how average people might show genuine brilliance in, say, factoring sports scores but they would defer entirely to “experts” in matters like economics and politics to their own peril. We used to encourage survivors to become experts on their own experiences. I saw one person I worked with speaking on Nancy Grace after she took down her violent father and liberated her mother. My jaw was on the floor from her eloquence, especially in responding to quotes of her father’s self defenses and DARVO accusations against her. When she’d first arrived in a meeting, she’d been a monosyllabic teenager.
Meanwhile the official shelter system at the time and the majority of therapists would confront every victim with questions about why they felt they “deserved” to be abused. It was the price of being able to stay in a shelter or get state-sponsored help of any kind. Many survivors found this humiliating while others would try to internalize it and would foist it on others. Many would become (predictably) depressed because the focus alone was the message– your background caused this. Focusing on victims psychology insinuated that it was the central problem. Then as the approach failed when large numbers of women would return to abusers, the advocates and therapists would blame the victims for the failure rather than their own methods. A lot of critical voices were emerging in social science and DV research which questioned the “psychological deficiency” theory of battered women– the assumption that all were simply reenacting childhood abuse and were “drawn” to abusers– and research was finding that the assumption didn’t fit statistical evidence, but these facts and arguments were mostly ignored by state systems and hospitals. I think there’s been some progress but the patronizing approach still persists.
HOAC, I am as always amazed by the depth of your knowledge and understanding of power dynamics.
I am annoyed by the prevalence of the outdated and harmful DV framework the “system” tends to use (I mean agencies, aid workers, psychologists, judicial system etc.). Often doing more harm than good (similar to the RIC). I am determined to do what I can, which is not much, to push for change.
I would love to connect with you, if you like drop me a line, my burner email: [email protected].
If survivors start figuring out the dynamics of abuse, the voting public might figure out how it operates in other spheres. Uh oh.
I haven’t been directly involved in advocacy for a long time but I can recommend authors and experts whom I think have a clue. Reading bibliographies leads to even more material. Evan Stark’s “Coercive Control” is an important book as well as his chapter on DV (written with wife and research partner Anne Flitcraft) in founding psychotraumatologist Frank M. Ochberg’s “Post-traumatic Stress Therapy and the Victims of Violence.” Ochberg was the first to write about captor bonding after the Swedish bank hostage case for which Stockholm syndrome was coined by the press. His collection of essays remains one of the most important, humane books on trauma therapy and the chapter on DV rips apart all of the old victim-blaming hypotheses. Anything from criminologist Donald Dutton is worth reading and for a bit of evolutionary perspective on domestic abuse, primatologist Richard Wrangham’s “Demonic Males: Apes and the Evolution of Human Violence.”
I’ve noticed Wrangham is very tidy about not allowing anyone to draw erroneous assumptions from his work, such as anti-monogamy groups going gonzo over his research on the enthusiastic sexuality of bonobo chimps. Wrangham points out that regular, warring Clockwork Orange chimps are also indiscriminately sexual but not so groovy with their constant lethal raiding, rape, cannibalism and infanticide. Furthermore, regular chimps are far more closely related to humans which is pretty clear from human history not to mention carbon dating. But then he argues against making evolutionary excuses for human aggression and also makes a case that humans, unlike any breed of chimpanzee, evolved as basically monogamous by making an educated supposition that the leap from grunts to human language likely happened so that early hunter-gatherers could keep tabs on mates through gossip. And though Wrangham makes an argument that human males, like chimps, may commit most aggression and a remedy for this would be for women to seek equal power across every level of society, it’s also clear that males are the greatest victims of male aggression. Women aren’t let off the hook for enabling violence against others (generally not themselves).There’s not a word of victim blaming in the book.
This man makes me sick. I worked swing shift so I could help out raising my first child and then worked two jobs so my ex-wife could take 3 months off for maternity leave for my second child. His unborn child should come first before his sexual wants.
I am not surprised by what has happened. After 4 years he hasn’t made a commitment to her? She is supporting the family?
I will never understand why so many people put sex in the number 1 spot in their lives. They judge how good a person is by how good they are in bed or that their sexual needs come before everything.
“I will never understand why so many people put sex in the number 1 spot in their lives. They judge how good a person is by how good they are in bed or that their sexual needs come before everything.”
This is so true. All you have to do is read people’s posts on dating discussion sites to see that “sexual compatibility” is the number one box that absolutely must be ticked or it’s a dealbreaker. So basically, a person could be the loveliest, kindest, most loyal person on the planet, but if they don’t give you the kind and quantity of sex you want from the very beginning of meeting them (nevermind allowing time and emotional connection to gently build that amazing intimacy), you dump them because “life is too short for bad sex”.
I say, go fuck yourselves for being so fucking shallow. Clearly, I’ll never date again.
CHARACTER compatibility is my Number One…..any idiot can perform The Act.
Oh dear, I thought it took an IQ of 135 or higher to perform “reverse cowgirl.” I stand corrected. 😀
“I will never understand why so many people put sex in the number 1 spot in their lives. They judge how good a person is by how good they are in bed or that their sexual needs come before everything.”
That’s what they SAY about sex but what is actually in the number one spot is them getting their rocks off on power, control and deception.
In any case, narcissists are lousy in bed. You may as well be a porn prop to them.
Amen. I also don’t understand what they call “limerance” past the age of 11. Even in seventh grade I learned not to put too much stake in my crushes since they changed every week. I recognized that it wasn’t “real love” but kind of juvenile bs. Seeing grown-ass adults getting carried away and destroying their families over googly “wuv” is repulsive and unsettling.
OMG this: “You are not a sexual vending machine. He doesn’t get to insert his dick every time he wants a treat. You are not obliged to fuck him.”
CL, you’re a treasure.
EEEW. This makes me want to vomit. And then to hang this man up by his precious little dick.
GET OUT. I think you’ll find that once you dump this dead weight of a “man”. You have an advantage over many chumps by already being the primary (only?) wage earner. But even when my income was cut in half by splitting from FW, I had so much more money because he was an irresponsible spender. I only wish I’d left him when our child was a baby. Don’t expect it to get better. What happens when you’re busy with the baby? He’ll “get his needs met” elsewhere then too. My ex got much more abusive after our child was born. He was jealous that the newborn got more time and attention than he did. I also had a birth injury that made sex painful for a long time. And all my husband could do was cry about how it affected HIM.
My ex died about a year ago, and honestly, our son is doing so much better without his dad. These people do NOT make good parents.
You can’t imagine your life without your BF right now, but I PROMISE you, there will come a day where you can’t fathom life WITH him.
You’ve got this. Get a lawyer. Get a new place of your own. Tell your families exactly why you’re doing it. Don’t shield your FW from the consequences of his own actions. This isn’t on you, it’s on him.
Go live your best life.
I think this story is one of the worst I’ve read on this site. And I’ve read every post and all the comments here. I hate this man’s guts.
Men who cheat are worthless and unforgivable.
Men who cheat while not using a condom? Total pieces of shit.
Men who cheat, while having unprotected sex with randos while their partner is pregnant? Doesn’t get any worse than that.
I sense that there is a line here forming to get a crack at this monster. He would probably be unrecognizable by the time the last person is finished with him.
Honestly, I’m picturing the line of people with weapons from the movie Airplane.
You got this momma! Do not look back. This is who he is. I hope his dick falls off. He will try to lure you back but do your best to not talk to him at all. In the book Why Does He Do That, the author talks about how an abuser’s behavior during his partner’s pregnancy is a big window into his soul. Their ego and dick cannot handle being front and center for 9 months, abusers will act out and reveal who they are. Please get out! It will only get worse.
BMC
You said you were staying in a hotel. See if you can stay with a friend or family member but don’t go back to that man. He’ll only continue to make your life a living hell.
BMC, you’re on the right track now, away from this worm! Please don’t engage with him over the phone, who cares if he’s upset you left? Let him twist, it’s his karma.
Be safe, he’s completely UNTRUSTWORTHY. One of the best things you can do for yourself right now, is to tell people the truth! Tell your parents, tell your friends, tell the authorities if he pulls anything dangerous. There’s no shame for you to bear it’s all his. You know darn well he is going to spin this that he has no idea why you left, so tell everybody you can what really happened. just so you know that you’re not the only one, I now know why I was always getting UTIs when I was in my 20s, and in what I thought was a committed relationship with my partner. He was doing all the neighbors, but I had no idea. This is the kind of man that only thinks about his dick. Terrible, terrible parent material! Don’t make the mistake I made and stay for so long.
Sending you big hugs ❤️ and the strength to only focus on you, and baby!
So sorry for your situation. I am not a lawyer, but I agree with Tracy’s suggestion not to name FW as father on the birth certificate, having been through something similar. Do not even tell him when you go into labor. If he decides to go for any kind of custody, he will first have to prove he is the father through paternity testing. This will allow you more time to establish your home without him, and will cost him money. He may end up just giving up, especially if you don’t ask for child support ( which doesn’t seem like he can pay too much of.) Ideally you will find a new home as far away as possible to discourage him visiting if he ends up being allowed to. If you move now you won’t be under any kind of court order to remain in the area. Hugs and good luck…
This. I would bet if she leaves him off the birth certificate and doesn’t ask for support he will just go away at least for now.
When the Dickhead filed for divorce, I painfully joked that the best gift he ever gave me was the separation from him. I had the chance to live a new life free of his mental and emotional abuse, free of always wondering if he was cheating or not, and free to live my life in peace with my kitties and in my own home. It was best gift I ever received and never asked for.
You have the same gift – you get to choose how you want to live the rest of your life for yourself and your little one. Pick you each and every time. He doesn’t even deserve an explanation for his callous disrespect and actions. He’s a POS. As Lizzo would say, walk your fine ass out the door, and don’t look back.
It is a gift. It sure doesn’t feel like it at the time.
My ex dumping me freed me to be happy.
Now that you’ve made the choice to exit this relationship, you need to make a list of to-dos and execute it:
1. Get a lawyer
2. Go to your doctor – get STD check
3. Get a real estate agent to help you find a two bedroom with good location
4. Set up a new budget based on your actual income sans this dim wit (you may notice that once he’s unloaded, you have much more money)
5. Get an order of protection if he threatens you
6. Inform your parents (not his) and siblings to not have anything to do with him. There will be no reconciliation.
7. Enlist help from family and friends to move your stuff into storage and/or consider going home to complete your pregnancy.
8. Don’t put his name on the birth certificate.
Right now, you need to stay calm, relax and enjoy growing your baby. Don’t take his calls.Don’t listen to his entreaties. Ignore his friends and yours that would advocate for him. You’re going to be a mother so you’ve got to be as strong, ruthless and as tough as possible to move on from this. Good luck and blessings.
This is great advice. My biggest regret was not leaving after dday 1. I stayed for 3 reasons.
1) I loved him and the future I thought we were building together.
2) I didn’t want break my kids’ hearts.
3) I was afraid of failing (going bankrupt/losing my job and home/moving back home,etc.
Today, I can see clearly how strong I am as a person and how little he was contributing to our well-being.
I can honestly say that even if all my fears had come to fruition, I would still be better off today, if I hadn’t stayed 3 more years, than I am now.
What I want to know is how you didn’t bludgeon-hammer him the second he returned and uttered such profanity!!!!!!
I am LIVID on your behalf and sincerely wish for a series of very un-Christian things to him!!!!
YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER !!!!!!!!
Call pest control, girl…
CL, you are a bigger woman than me. I could not even string together a thought after reading Babymummachump‘s letter.
Babymummachump, please re-read what you wrote and imagine it isn’t you. That it’s your sister or a dear friend. You pay all the bills. You are going through health problems through a pregnancy. And this asshole Is leeching off you — and feels entitled to sex with prostitutes — and blames you for it??? WTF
Please get that attorney lined up. Protect you and your child. And kick him out.
I know this is the most difficult time to try to do anything. Please get help from friends and family if you can. But get free of that guy.
He is on a whole new level of crazy cold-hearted and selfish. Zero empathy. If he can do that now, imagine when you’re home with a newborn and he wants to go out and have fun. Free yourself now ok?
I’m so sorry. He really sucks.
I am So sorry! You might consider contacting social services for referral for temporary home for homeless mothers if needed. Definitely call your parents if that is an option and get their support until you can get settled with baby. Do not go back to house alone! Never be alone with him again! He can’t be trusted! Hugs!
Thiiis!
You can often get a police officer to come with you or to go with a friend to collect a list of items from your house.
Also if only your name is on the lease they may be able to evict him. Ask friends and family to help you fund emergency movers who can quickly and professionally pack up your things and move them to a safe place in a storage unit/family home etc.
This! Especially since he now knows you’re reacting and appropriately distancing yourself to leave, this is when these pricks can escalate things to UNIMAGINED heights.
You will finally get to see the real him, just about now…
So you must protect yourself, never see him alone, and even in public settings, never position yourself so that he’s between you and any door!
Rock on, chumplady! This is me 37 years ago. And I stayed and made it work for 35 more years before he pulled his D-Day stunt and left me like I was a used up Kleenix. I absolutely, without a speck of doubt in my mind, wasted my life. Worst of all, my two children are now adults and all the hours I spent modeling and teaching them to love…….well, none of it took hold. To my total shock – they, too, revealed themselves to be users and abusers when the shit hit the fan.
I lost everything and everybody in one fell swoop. I so much wish I would have just walked when my mind, body and spirit were screaming at me to leave! One time I had both babies in the back seat and I had gotten away during a fight…… I called the domestic violence hotline from a payphone in an empty parking lot at 11pm or later. This was late 1980s. The person on the hotline asked if he was physically violent. No. She told me to go back home. Another time, I was standing at the front door ready to walk out and he and the two kids were sitting on the couch taunting me to go ahead and leave because they would be just fine without me…….. I could not walk away and leave two innocent grade school age children without a mother. Turns out they didn’t ever see me as their mother, anyway.
I think of those moments a lot. And at this age, no one else even remembers those moments, nor wants to sit and listen to me cry about them yet again.
Tallgrass, my heart breaks for you. So very wrong that your kids turned out like their father, but some DNA is strong! I hope you find meaning in life now, it’s a challenge when we are nurturers, and then find ourselves alone. Plus, getting older in general, is tough ????
I wish I could have you over for tea, and I hope you have a friend you can hang with. We are your virtual friends of CN! ❤️
This means so much to me. Thank you!
Tallgrass, we’re listening, we’re reading, keep sharing. I’m so sorry this has been your road. Love to you.
Thank you for leaving the door open for me. I do come here to share. No one else has a clue what I’m blubbering about.
Oh, this brings up the memory of when I was trying to get away from my abusive, cheating ex-boyfriend, also in the mid-80s. No kids in the mix, but he had become physically violent and started threatening to kill my cats which was the last straw for me. I called a DV hotline after he’d finished pretending to strangle my smallest cat (luckily didn’t do any damage) and had stormed out to visit the OW, after spitting on me (gross). The woman on the phone was very rude – she snipped “where did you get our number?” “who told you we could help you?” “what do you want us to do?” She then told me that they couldn’t do anything for me and literally suggested that I wait until he was actually hitting me and then call the police. I think that domestic violence services have come a long way since then. At least I hope so.
Oh, my. I feel sick for OP.
Please, please, please. Find your own place, keep your stable job, don’t even talk to that monstrosity of a man. Just make your own plans and love your child.
I’m livid! I hope he chokes on his own dick. I bet he gave you those UTIs and God knows what else. I hope you see how you are being abused Babymummachump
and get rid of this leech.
Babymummachump:
Please read Chump Lady’s excellent response as many times as is necessary to accept every morsel of her advice especially:
(1) Not putting him on the birth certificate;
(2) What to tell your families about why you’re dumping him, and
(3) The very likely scenario that he’s been visiting prostitutes throughout your entire pregnancy (and maybe long before that).
If this selfish little boy can’t make it through 5 1/2 months without getting his peen sucked off by a professional, how is he ever going to survive a minimum of 18 years of having to sacrifice things that he deems “critical to his survival” so that his child is well-taken care of? As the mother of triplets, I can tell you that children have many physical and emotional needs, and they’ll be looking to you to fill them.
If you stay with this completely unsuitable person, I guarantee that you’ll be not only continue to be the family’s breadwinner (yes, he will be distraught if you deny him your paycheck), but you’ll also be your child’s sole participating parent because the truth is, you don’t have a partner, you have a petulant prick. I hope you leave this sorry ass excuse for a man TODAY and get on with your life; if you stay, you’ve seen just the tip of the iceberg.
I wish Chump Nation could meet at your house with boxes and packing tape. We’d pack you up and load you out right in front of that cretin’s face while you stay snug and safe in your hotel.
This would be a very cool thing to develop: a caravan of CL vans pull up and out pours all kind of support. Packing, comforting, soothing, advising, caring for children, kvetching, pulverizing – then whisking Chumps away to a Paradise. Possibly a lush and beautiful campus where Chumps can come to heal. We could call it Grey Rock.
Soon, cheaters all across the world will quake when they see the CL vans – where empowered survivors do not hesitate to call out and mock and shame the losers. A Chump militia of snark.
Chumpsy and Roaring, I loooooove these ideas! I would totally welcome that kind of help if I needed it.
Roaring, I like how you think! Love the picture you word-painted there.
It makes me cry just to think about it!
I remember those moments of vulnerability and how wonderful it would have been to have someone do the thinking for me and to just whisk me away and telling me “we’ve got this! we’ll take care of you”, so I didn’t have to deal with any of the abuse a minute longer.
That’s the Dream Team!
I could bring my whole roller derby team. It’s not our first emergency women’s pack up and move.
Dudes back off from 30+ pissed off, muscular, tattooed and capable ladies.
Followed by a town car full of business-suited, tattooed, accountants and lawyers.
I’m concerned.
Someone with this much disregard for his partner and entitlement to sex on demand strikes me as someone who might eventually lash out at the baby if, let’s say, the baby has the nerve to cry while you two are having sex.
Please get away from him to protect yourself and your baby. He’s not partner material, which is an understatement from someone with a faulty picker.
Agreed he’s disgusting ????
If he can’t be there for you now, he won’t be there for you when the baby is teething, or gets sick, or for the terrible twos, and on and on until the teenage funks. He’s shown you who he is, and he will seek escape and “getting his needs met” at every difficulty, of which there are many when raising kids. He’s not the one who values the family you’re both building, you are.
Get out now before you set up yourself for a life of pain and disappointment. Model something better for your kid. It took me 15 years to realize that he wasn’t into the family life I thought we both wanted, and there was a lot of pain along the way.
He’s shown you who he is. Take the exit and get out now.
6) Tell your parents what’s going on. You need help, and support…both emotional, and with moving. You should not cover for your abusive fuckwit.
2) Actually, I think that you should contact your landlord, and terminate your lease. And immediately move in with your parents, or move to a short term (cheap) rental, if that’s your only option.
Honestly babymama, it sounds like he’s been getting his needs met elsewhere for a while and his “announcement” was just to get more attention. His ass needs to be kicked to the curb! That is what needs to happen. This guy is a fucking leech.
I think you are in to something. I think he thought it would be fun to cause some drama and he didn’t get the results he was expecting so now he’s livid.
Ah, Babymummachump,
I have been there. Ex was f***ing a work colleague and getting his needs met while I was carrying his much-wanted child. I ended up in hospital with gallstone problems while pregnant. I wasn’t eating and generally was in a bad way and he was off with his new fancy piece. He just dropped his family (my son and I) for someone he had known for about 6 months.
I got through my pregnancy with the help of my family. My sisters were at the birth. He strung me along for a year after the birth, making out he was involved etc, but he just wanted cake.
Don’t be like me!
It’s really hard, but get yourself sorted now. Try and take some paid time off work. Don’t let him control you anymore. Take control of the situation yourself.
I wish I hadn’t put my ex on the birth certificate, but he was getting ‘expert’ advice from the OW. He went from abandoning his family to a new family man with a new kid of his own (5 years down the line). He now wants to see the kids, but before then he wasn’t that bothered. There’s no connection to anyone if you can do that. It’s all image management.
He would say he missed the kids, but his actions proved otherwise. Even now, he has regular days he sees the kids, but he doesn’t want them overnight (I am relieved). He won’t do the hard work in his time, like the kids’ parties, or taking them to activities. He will sporadically get in contact in with the school when there are issues, but never really resolves anything and the teachers never contact him. (I don’t even question it anymore and it no longer bothers me. I’m happy to do it. He pays his maintenance every month, but that’s image management too. He wouldn’t want people to know he doesn’t pay. I do chase him on it when he doesn’t pay on time too. He’d hate for me to tell his family he’s not paying for his kids)
He does what he needs to look like a good dad outwardly, but take his daughter to a swimming lesson on his time (even though I’m paying) – not a chance. When people tell me he’s a good dad. They can’t see the fakeness.
Wow, 15 years of reading Chump Lady and this one really sticks out! Much love and support to you as you navigate your journey away from this horrible man. Anyone that selfish is not worth any more of your time. As it is, you will be stuck with him as a co-parent. You (and your baby) deserve so much more. And, believe me, there is a whole universe of good, morally intact me out there. xoxoxo
I feel the most important and immediate task is emotional and physical safety. Do you have a permanent place where you can go with a supportive family member or friend? Fleeing to a hotel was brave and courageous and getting the help of your friend. Where can you stay long-term, so that you don’t have to go back? Please try to block all communication with him. That can feel scary too, but it gives your mind a much-needed rest. I agree that asking for help from the nearest women’s group is another important first step. You are strong and brave. Get at least one other trustworthy person and a stable place to stay for now.
That was supposed to be …morally intact men…
I am surprised he didn’t say “your welcome” when you came home from the hooker. He acted like he was doing you a favor.
This obviously was not a first-time encounter with a prostitute. He knew where to go and how to pay and all the other bits and pieces of purchasing sex. He has been frequenting prostitutes for a while, he finally felt like he had justification this time.
Please get an STD check and leave him. He will get worse, and your life will be a living hell for a long time. Trust all of CL nation, we have been there.
I had never had UTIs until the last five years of the marriage, when x started fucking strange in real life. Like the movie says, GET OUT!
Also, NOPE!
Me too, the last 2 years of my marriage I had vaginitis and multiple UTI’s. I just thought it was stress. Now I am sure it was the disgusting whores.
Count me in on the recurring UTIs for over 30 years. I was diagnosed with interstitial cystitis, which miraculously cured itself as soon as I stopped having sex with that turd. Coincidence? I think not. I couldn’t even have a bath the whole time we were together because my urinary tract was so inflamed that I would get a UTI from the bacteria in the bath water. Now I have a lovely soak three times a week. ????
Same here. I stopped having sex with Cheating Bastard Ex the last 15 years or more of our sham marriage when I found an assortment of underwear that he was keeping as trophies from his hookers. I should have walked our then, but rationalized I needed to keep the family together. I could protect myself and stay healthy if I quit having sex with him. He never noticed that I had stopped.
Then came Covid and I’ll be damned if he didn’t try to get me sick from that too!
It. Never. Gets. Better. The sooner you get out, the better you will be.
Yup, Me too.
I’m so sad for you that the joy of carrying your baby is being diminished by your faux partner’s complete idiocy. I want to take a threaded pipe to him for that alone.
I just want to say I had one UTI in my life, but it wasn’t during either of my pregnancies. It was right after my ex husband cheated on a business trip. I echo the others in saying that FW is the cause of most of your medical troubles, and I also think it’s irresponsible of your OB-GYN if they haven’t talked to you about this possibility so you could protect yourself and your baby.
Take care. You have made it through so much already. You are going to be one amazing, strong mamma.
Also, if you think your employer would be sympathetic, or you’ve seen them be flexible with other employees in crisis, please ask for a meeting with your supervisor or a mentor to let them know what is going on (maybe writing it out will help you get the gravity of the situation across while sticking to what is appropriate to share).
My employer was so empathetic and flexible from the beginning of my 3-year-long divorce to this day. It was an absolute blessing that I was able to talk candidly with my mentor who is now an AVP and just recommended me for a raise. Multiple managers donated their extra time off to me only knowing that I was taking care of the kids alone. It’s made all the difference to not have to be on edge about my job when I’m having a difficult day or need time off. I owe them so much.
I wish my doctor would have told me that the STDS he diagnosed me with were STDS.
Instead, he named the disease and prescribed the medication.
If I had thought to ask my doctor HOW I got them, or if he had told me that they were sexually transmitted, I may have gotten out decades before I finally had enough.
I only found out that everything I had been diagnosed with were STDS when a woman surgeon went through my records with me prior to surgery that was needed as a result of untreated PID.
Maybe doctors don’t want to editorialize or come across as judgmental. But they might also have done a disservice to their patients by not initiating a frank discussion with them.
OMG I am glad you got out & hope you can get into your OB for STI testing.
Don’t be ashamed- these abusers confuse us by sometimes being affectionate, or fun, or helpful. Until they don’t.
Keep reading CL’s reply until you get angry about this. You need anger to keep propelling yourself away from him.
Very true, that part about feeling confused – my STBX has a great sense of humor, a friendly nature, has always been hugely helpful with our kids and around the house, has always had a job and provided for our family. Thus his sextracurricular activity – along with (at least) two years of lies – have baffled me.
He’s your boyfriend, not your husband, and you’ve only been together four years. You owe him nothing legally. He won’t get any alimony or palimony. You have to find a new place anyways since the landlord is selling, find one without him.
When it comes to explaining things to family and friends, I think it’s good to be as concise with it as possible. Something like, “He announced he is going to start using the services of prostitutes and then went and saw a prostitute and he doesn’t care how I feel about it. I don’t want to be in a relationship like that.” Any decent person who cares about you is going to be horrified by that and support you. The ones who don’t support you… well, that answers a difficult question nobody wants to ask but it is better to know so you can protect yourself.
Also, I’m with chumplady on the UTIs being from him cheating. I had issues with UTIs and yeast infections to the point I felt dirty and wondered what was wrong with me. All gone when I got rid of my ex. Haven’t had a single issue since.
Also, a man doesn’t go from never cheating on his girlfriend to announcing to his pregnant girlfriend that he will screw hookers and not caring that she’s crying about it. Their behavior escalates over time. There’s no way this is the beginning. He’s been doing so much behind your back that he decided this was fine to do out in the open. Cheating on you is now normal to him, that’s why he doesn’t get why you are upset. I’m sorry that’s so harsh but it really is how they think and how it progresses.
I’m so sorry this is happening to you. Please reach out to people you can trust for support. Don’t be ashamed. You haven’t done anything wrong. As for his “lack of sex”… honey, you’re having a rough pregnancy and bleeding and having infections and being on antibiotics and you’re STILL having sex with him once or twice a week. THAT is abnormal. I was in the same boat, no matter what was happening we had to have sex at least 3 times a week because of his “needs.” Didn’t matter where we were or how sick I was, it had to happen. That’s actually really fucked up. You’re carrying his child right now and you are sick and you are OBLIGATED to screw him once or twice a week?! That’s actually demented. Decent men can go without sex. Decent people can go without sex while their partner is sick and they care more about their sick partner than getting their genitals manipulated.
I’m ranting a bit but I spent 20 years married to a man like this. GET OUT NOW! Nothing makes this worth it. You went from daily sex (was that obligation too, due to his “needs”?) to still having sex once or twice a week while you are ill and that’s not good enough for his perverted, abusive ass. Imagine in the future, you have the flu and your child has the flu and you just worked a 40 hour week, and you’re trying to catch up on laundry, and you are fucking exhausted, and he’s standing in front of you stomping his feet and asking “Where is my blowjob?!” He’s pretty much at that point now but it gets worse with these guys. He’ll get worse. It’s a terrible, terrible life. I’m so sorry it hurts, I promise it gets better but you have to get away from him so you can heal. You can heal from this.
Great comment Katie Pig.
It made me remember something- the awful feeling I got when I realized I’d been giving husband oral, when he’d been sticking it in everyone else, too. This can lead to throat cancer, from what I understand. Sorry, to talk about a gross topic, but this was what he conned me into. Certainly not my idea of how I wanted to live my life! Thankfully, I’m fine, so far, but my blood just boils over what these FW’s put on our plates, when we are being great, faithful spouses!
It IS gross.
But this is the type of abuse Babymummachump will have to look forward to if she doesn’t get out now.
And it is typical behavior of a certain type of cheater who gets off on crap like this.
Mine did; he would demand oral the morning after his date nights with his skank.
He wouldn’t shower beforehand. I noticed *scents* that I had never smelled before from him, but never batted an eye.
THAT is truly gross and I can’t believe I didn’t feel like I deserved better treatment than that from the man I loved.
“As for his “lack of sex”… honey, you’re having a rough pregnancy and bleeding and having infections and being on antibiotics and you’re STILL having sex with him once or twice a week. THAT is abnormal.”
It’s not just abnormal, it’s rape.
He doesn’t care that you don’t want to have sex, he’s a rapist. Doesn’t matter if he hasn’t physically forced you – he has the mind of a rapist.
No decent man would want to have sex when he knows the woman he’s with doesn’t enjoy it.
His hooker habit also hints at him enjoying forcing sex on women who don’t desire him but need the money.
“He is NOT your rock. He’s an anchor.”
It took me years of hard work to see this; now I can never unsee it.
I think that this is NOT his first trip to the blowjob store. In addition, he’s grooming you when you’re sick, pregnant, and about as vulnerable as possible, he was testing the waters to see if he could get away with his hooker habit in the future. Baby up all night? Wow, need a blowjob. Baby teething? Gee, need a blowjob. Hangnail? Blowjob! Your medical history tells me that this guy has been frequenting hookers if not your entire relationship, at least during your pregnancy. Please leave this utter POS. If he is so callous as to announce he just visited a hooker like he just bought a six-pack of beer, then you have nothing to work with. He doesn’t want this child. If he did, he wouldn’t be threatening its life by fucking strange. And he IS fucking strange.
I agree, over here shaking my head..like, where exactly is the blowjob store?? How does one go about that? Surely it isn’t just common knowledge, as if you just run to the pharmacy for toothpaste? I would imagine this would take a minute to sort out details, so the story that he ‘just did it’ out of the blue is not convincing at all. He’s been doing this for awhile or forever and decided to throw his entitlement out there and announce it to see if she’d just let it blow over (no pun intended) while she’s distracted with health/pregnancy issues. This is how he deals with minor life problems (sex only 2twice a week, poor baby).
I’m standing in line for my turn with the threaded pipe!!
–“he’s grooming you when you’re sick, pregnant, and about as vulnerable as possible, he was testing the waters to see if he could get away with his hooker habit in the future.”
This is what I came here to say. Babymummachump, read Gavin de Becker’s book “The Gift of Fear,” which among other things explains how predators test and push boundaries. It’s important for you to understand what this man really is.
My story is very similar to Babymamachump’s. I found hooker phone numbers in my ex’s phone when my daughter was 10 months old. He also never had money to help me with bills and during the height of the pandemic in 2020, when I was pregnant with our daughter, he went to the “dentist” 7 times, but when I’d ask what for he insisted he didn’t have cavities and just needed “extensive periodontal work” (but he only came home with dental baggies/medication after two of those “appointments”) I remember going to my gynecologist for an STI screening after finding out and when I told her why I was there she said, “Let me guess, he either told you he was just looking at their webpage or he told you it was only once, am I right?” When I said “Yep, the 1st one…” she and her assistant kind of chuckled and then she said, “We hear this story at least once a week in this office, usually more than that. The husbands or boyfriends ALWAYS say they were just looking or didn’t do it that much/very often, but their partner’s positive STD test gives them away every time. I’m so sorry honey.” That confirmation from her was enough to let me know I wasn’t crazy for not believing his little “I was just looking” story. Gynecologists have seen some shit. They know.
Babymummachump,
Hugs to you at this difficult time. You are in an abusive relationship. Your sexual partner has risked your sexual health and the life of your unborn child. He has shown little regard for your safety.
It’s been years since I’ve posted a comment, because my Tuesday came long ago. However, I feel compelled to share my experience as a word of caution. I discovered my ex-husband was cheating on me when I was about 6 months pregnant with our 4th child (the eldest of whom was 5 years old). (To keep this post from being too long, I’ll just mention the health consequences of serial infidelity during pregnancy.).
I filled for divorce. The week before my due date, I had what I thought was a yeast infection. I was not able to be prescribed the oral medication that I wanted because of my pregnancy. I experienced what I thought was an allergic reaction to the topical medication that I was prescribed; however, my OBGYN was very concerned that it was a primary outbreak of the STD HSV – herpes. He told me not to go into labor until my lab work could tell us more. The next day, I went into labor, before test results were available. I had to have an emergency C Section.
When my daughter was born via emergency C Section, she had a large blister on her fist. Because my physicians were very concerned that I had contracted HSV during my 2nd trimester of pregnancy, they were immediately concerned that my seconds-old new born had neo-natal herpes, a potentially fatal illness for infants.
Upon birth, my daughter was immediately rushed for a spinal tap to test for meningitis and then STD testing of all her mucas membranes. I did not see nor touch my child until the next day. Her first human touches on Earth were STD tests.
A special team of doctors called Infectious Disease Specialist created a Risk Algorithm for my daughter, utilizing medical history. For me, this was complete sexual fidelity to my then husband for the entirety of my adult life. Without my husband’s affair(s?), we would have no risk of disease. Due to the physicians’ concern of seroconversion, it was ultimately determined that the safest course of action was to treat my daughter with the course of intravenous, anti-viral medication to treat her potential illness. This was a 10 day, level 3 NICU stay in the hospital, sequestered in a Contagious Disease hospital room. It was explained to me that if my daughter had contracted HSV in utero, at the end of pregnancy, that it would cause her blood to be toxic with the HSV virus and she would either die or remain desperately I’ll for the reminder of her life.
I don’t need to tell you how absolutely horrific this experience was.
Ultimately, my daughter tested negative for all STDs (and later so did I). I was able to unplug my tiny, infant daughter from all those machines after 10 days of 24 hour medication. I am so grateful for the gift of my child’s health.
True to nature of an abuser, my ex husband lied to all the physicians involved about his affair. He took no accountability and never apologized for the high price his infant daughter and I both paid. It became a DARVO attack, and the abuse I experienced escalated greatly.
Please take care, Babymummachump. I wish you and your unborn child good health and a bright future – free from abuse.
Oh my God, I’m so sorry. That is horrific. I’m so glad your daughter is ok.
Stalked, name changed: I’m so sorry you had to go through that! I had an initial onset of HSV-2 as a newlywed, but not yet pregnant. We had been together for 9 yrs (another red flag, I know), so this was a little puzzling… Even my Dr. gave me some bullshit story about how it ‘can be dormant’ for a time… really? 10 yrs? Not that much was known in the mainstream about it, so I ate that shit sandwich. Proceed to a year later and I am pregnant. My Ob/gyn was much more concerned that there was a good chance that I would also need a C-section if I had an outbreak close to delivery. Luckily I didn’t, but my very first pregnancy was a ‘high risk’ with that cloud around us. I should have left the FW right then. Don’t be gullible like me.
If I can influence even one fellow chump to ‘act decisively’ and get out early, I’m good with that.
Thank you to everyone for your comments and support. I am reading everything and it is helping.
NO CONTACT. Do not share your doubts or plans with him. Read through the Chump Lady archives, over and over and over, in the next few days as you put together your support team.
If your family doesn’t have the resources to support you, work with your local Domestic Abuse program to obtain safe housing and therapy. Take their advice on how to manage your current employment.
Talk to a lawyer about protecting your baby and your finances. If your baby’s father has any sincere intention to step up to the plate, he can communicate it through attorneys (he won’t).
Hugs. I agree with others you will likely begin to feel physically stronger soon. Use it as fuel.
You poor darling. I hope there’s someone who can sweep you up and keep you safe from that abuser. Mother, father,sibling,friend.
And someone who’s bad ass enough to run him off if he hassles you. I hate him on your behalf. I’ve read a lot of terrible stories here but this one stands out. Find your inner courage for the sake of your child as well as for yourself and flush this turd. He’s most likely on the psychopathy spectrum and no good will ever come from an entanglement with him. Ever.
I think that if you were already familiar with this site then you probably knew what the answer would be when you wrote in. You have already shown how strong and amazing you are – only missing two days of work after being that ill all through your pregnancy!!! Take some of the wisdom from the many people on this site who learned through bitter experience and you will look back some day and see that while it was scary as hell it was worth it.
It’s difficult to think beyond the “now” but, you need to. Get yourself checked for STD’s (I went planned parenthood because I was to embarrassed to tell my MD, but wouldn’t be now). If you have a supportive family, reach out to them for help and encouragement.
Important part is to start separating your banking if you have any joint accounts.. cancel credit cards in his name that you are responsible for.. if he’s on your cell phone account shut that off…if he can sign on your checking account or has access to ANY of your financials… shut it down. Sign up for a credit monitoring service today! Run a credit check to make sure there are no loans or cards that you don’t know about. This seems like a lot, but I learned the hard way, that my grief gave him time to sabotage my financial health.. maybe you friend can help you with some of this.
Then rest, cry and grow that baby & have a easy birth and enjoy that gift.
Hugs,
Jann
please get a lawyer ASAP
stop giving him money
if you have a lease, check your local rules
– i was able to give my ex- 30 days notice because he wasn’t on the lease
i had a security system with a panic button key fob and i kept it with me the whole 30 days just in case
see if you can move in with family – you did nothing wrong, you have nothing to be ashamed of
please take care of yourself and your child
Prepared to stand your ground for your kid. The hardest hurdle to leaving for me was the physiological manipulation.
– He will say he is sorry and will never do it again
– He may cry crocodile tears, or threaten to harm himself
– He will tell you you are hormonal and not thinking clearly
– He will tell you you are overreacting
– He will tell you his behavior is normal and yours is abnormal
– He will say you are breaking up the family, not him
– He may make all sorts of wild promises
– He may go all in and ask you to marry him to try to trap you
– He will blame you, not his actions for everything
He may appear genuinely distraught about “losing you,” I know I thought mine was for a short period of time. But what he was really sad about was losing everything I did for him, all the bills I paid, all the adulting for two I did. He was sorry… for himself. He still blames me and is angry at me for drawing a line in the sand for my own and our kids safety. Who doesn’t want their wife and children to be safe? These guys.
Be ready to bear all that. It was a bit easier for me to stand up when I became a mother and had a child to protect. I’ve often been a doormat in my life, but I’ll be damned if anyone is going to to that to my kids.
“‘recurring UTIs that have meant I have been on antibiotics for pretty much the entire pregnancy. I have also been diagnosed with a different kind of infection that threatens the baby.’
Talk to your gyno. Get a full STD test. It sounds like he’s been fucking prostitutes throughout your pregnancy. I’m so sorry.”
Coming in to comments to second this. I thought my constant UTIs were my shitty immune system. I had them CONSTANTLY and was on constant antibiotics. Turns out cheater was cheating and giving me the infections. They were VERY painful yet cheater blamed me, much like your cheater is doing to you now, and whined how I couldn’t have sex (because I was in severe pain from the infections cheater had given me) so cheater was justified in seeking sex elsewhere.
I didn’t have an STI panel done at the time so it could have been that or jus the bacteria from multiple partners. I will never know. But I would bet money your cheater is giving you those infections.
As someone who suffered the cheater infections, while cheater just blamed me and whined about unfulfilled needs, I’m here to tell you the abuse will only get much much worse if you stay. That is unsafe for you and unsafe for your child. Run. Follow CL’s advise.
OMG. Get his hands out of your bank account/wallet. Move back home and tell everyone what he did. And let this entitled FW crash and burn on his own. Take care of you and the baby. Go complete NC and get him out of your life. He contributes nothing and adds no value.
“My boyfriend is indifferent, as if I am overreacting to a very normal chain of events.”
This right here tells you all you need to know. He does not care. He has no empathy for your pain, either for the suffering you are going through to bring a new life into the world, or the anguish he has caused you by his utterly disgusting and selfish actions. I too dealt with mystery infections in the year preceding D-Day. Could they have just been coincidental? Maybe. But I no longer trust that they were. Who knows. I will never know the full story about what my ex was up to.
I left my ex after he was arrested for felony voyeurism and child porn. I was three months pregnant when he was arrested, and five months pregnant when I finally was able to move away. It was a hellish six months as I had to establish residency in a new state so I could apply to Medicaid to get health insurance, because my ex lost his job from this shit show and so I lost his employer sponsored insurance. It was absolutely horrible. I spent many evenings staring into a campfire with tears streaming down my face. But I survived, and my child was born healthy and loved. You are several steps ahead of me since you already have a steady career. You can do this. Move away from this scary guy, get support from your family and friends, get therapy, find a life that YOU love. You will probably find the longer you are away from him and the more you process through all your memories, the more you will discover subtle emotional abuse from him. That is what happened with me. “Why does he do that?” By Lundy Bancroft is an excellent choice to help see things more clearly.
I am so sorry you’re going through this. But you can live and survive and find a life you love on the other side. “When you’re going through hell, keep going.” You can do this. We’re with you.
Sitting here shivering because every cell in my body hates this man with extreme burning passion. I swear for two cents I would mount a harpoon on the hood of my car and hunt his sorry ass down. In a sane world a man who exposes his unknowing partner and innocent child to STDs is guilty of a heinous crime and deserves jail time. He is a psychopath, and his callous indifference is terrifying. I detect massive potential for violence from him. Because you don’t matter and your baby doesn’t matter: nothing matters but him. Thank God his mask dropped before baby came, because now you can get to safety and make a calm and safe nest for you and your baby. Tell everyone who he really is!
I beg of you, run fast run far! Five years in I caught Satan in his “first” affair, he cried, he apologized, he put on the performance of a lifetime and I stayed. Out of misplaced love for him, shame that I had made a mistake marrying him and because I didn’t want to be alone. I endured another ten years of abuse, more affairs and his behavior only got worse. How I wish I had CL back then and could have gotten my life together. I’m 54 years old now, alone by choice because I still can’t muster the ability to trust a man but I often wonder if I had gotten out that first time what my life could have been Please read everyone’s advice, we’ve walked this road. He will NEVER change. Run please run!
“I bled daily for the first three months and suffered horrendous sickness (barely able to keep down a meal, I lost weight), the sickness has abated a little, but it remains quite frequent. I’ve had acid reflux, along with recurring UTIs that have meant I have been on antibiotics for pretty much the entire pregnancy. I have also been diagnosed with a different kind of infection that threatens the baby and will mean I need intravenous antibiotics through and following labour.”
Where is your ob/gyn now? You should have been tested for STDs already and you need to be retested NOW.
You really need to tell your family, friends and employer that this man is bad news. Your family and friends need to know he’s cheating on you – your employer may need to know he is possibly going to stalk you and put policies in place to keep you safe at work at the very least. If you can be transferred to a different location or WFH – do so. If you are well and truly stuck with THAT job, do everything you can to minimize risk to yourself. Get SabreRed (if legal in your state) and keep it ready to go as you move about.
Whose name is on the title to that car, or the loan papers? Yours? Then it is YOUR CAR. Get it packed full and get out.
Lawyer, lawyer, lawyer.
You can tell the hospital when you are admitted for labor and delivery that your information is not to be shared with anyone. No one is to know you are a patient and you can limit visitors.
I wouldn’t write his name on a gum wrapper in case he uses that as a pretense to forge your signature on legal documents.
He is a terrible human being and you do not want him in your life for the next 18+ years if you can legally excise him from it.
Oh Dear BabyMumma,
I’m Not surprised there are several comments here. Because we feel for you and care for you. A hellava lot more than that horrible FW.
The recommendation for bleeding during pregnancy is REST. I know because I experienced same and my doctor took me off work. I went on an early sick leave and the maternity leave. I’m guessing your doctor recommended this but you feel you must continue to work since Fuckwit cannot be bothered to step up to support you and your unborn child.
BabyMumma, please listen to Chump Lady when she references the long arc of parenting and how this Fuckwit will model his abuse of you in front of your child. Again, how do I know this? Because I LIVED it for 21 years. My children saw me ill with SEVERE depression and witnessed his contempt for me and how he “needed to go out with the boys” drinking, etc. when I had breast cancer and was bald with chemo, he was out all night and didn’t return until the next day. The day of his cousin’s wedding! I had to attend that event bald, sleep deprived from crying all night and rejection. I’ll never forget sitting at the large round guest table by myself while Fuckwit was outside smoking and drinking with the party crowd. It was humiliating and demoralizing.
I could go on but this reply is in support of YOU and your baby. Please…
GET TO SAFETY.
You are enduring horrific abuse. Start with your doctor. Inform Dr of ALL this prostitute behaviour and demand an STI panel. (Yes I went through this too due to FWs penchant for prostitutes).
Kick out that FW or move in with relative or friend until you can deliver and get up on your feet. The healing from all this abuse will take time long after this FW flakes off.
We hope to hear of good news from you. There’s a CN support group to join on FACEBOOK.
PLEASE TAKE CARE of YOU and your BABY.
Get rid of that anchor and you will be ???? better off!
If I were in your shoes, I would follow every bit of CL’s excellent advice, minus the termination of his parental rights. He should lose you, but losing his child also robs the child of knowing who their father is. Lots of us have been fathered by fuckwits, but we still deserve to have a relationship with them and know who they are, if we choose it.
I agree, and I would get child support paid through the system, whether he ever pays or not. If he doesn’t pay, at least it is on record, and if he ever tries to take the child or demand more; there is a record of non payment.
If he does pay, then all the better. At least the child will be getting that from the father. If mom does not want to use it, put it in a fund to grow for the child and turn it over to child when he is old enough to be responsible. Not 18, but maybe for college or for after college.
She can ever make it a trust that pays out later in childs life.
Susie Lee – she is the breadwinner, so she would likely be on the hook for child support to him. She definitely doesn’t need to be in a situation where she will have to pay him money monthly.
I respectfully disagree. That is something for future consideration when and if the child chooses. But can you honestly see this FW having custody/visitations? Will he bring the baby along when he needs a blowjob? If it’s a boy, will he encourage him to use hookers too? This guy has such a rotten character he really needs to be kept away from children.
My son, at age 8, was already modeling his father’s abusive behavior. Calling me names, insulting me, lying, throwing things at me, etc. My ex died a year ago and my kid is doing so much better now. He still has days where he gets angry or misbehaves, etc. but it is much less often. He also had a lot of anxiety (especially about the back and forth between houses) and severe depression. Those have vanished. Having a “father” in your life isn’t always a positive.
I also disagree. At this point the health and safety of this woman and her baby are far more important than any theoretical relationship the child may have with this abusive pos.
I vehemently disagree. The child cannot benefit by a relationship with this psychopathic abuser. He will be just as toxic to the child. To let him into the child’s life would be a huge mistake for the welfare of the child as well as tethering the mother to co-parenting with a psycho.
This is also the sort of man who is not above abusing his own child to get his “needs” met. She can count on him having hookers in his home during visitation, if he has the money. If he doesn’t, what do you suppose he will do? If he can use vulnerable, trafficked women that way he can use a child. He is an abusive pervert. Abusive perverts don’t make safe parents.
If I were pregnant by a sadistic, cruel, abusive, disordered boyfriend, I would do everything in my power to make sure he could not get to my baby.
The baby’s and the mother’s right to be safe is paramount.
My parents felt the same way, and it’s the only reason they didn’t cut off dangerous relatives 40 years ago. They worried we would lack something by not having them in our lives.
The result of that fateful decision was all us kids needed therapy at very young ages. We’re all still in therapy to this day as adults. I often wonder how much better my life would be if I hadn’t grown up around abusers, if I wouldn’t have a PTSD diagnosis.
All that to say, children need abusive fathers like they need a hole in the head. Nobody deserves abuse.
“He should lose you, but losing his child also robs the child of knowing who their father is.”
Well, totally disagree on that. There are fuckwits and fuckwits. This piece of shit isn’t a common or garden fuckwit, he’s a psychopath/sociopath. He’s deliberately given the OP STD’s, he’s a leech, a psychological abuser, a physical abuser. This fucker’s reaction to the OP leaving is to constantly harrass her, and berate her for taking *his* baby away. And you think this evil piece of shit should have *parental rights* !!!???
Dear God.
To quote a dear friend who was assaulted by both her real father and a step father, “Blood may be thicker than water but so is used motor oil.”
Do perverts deserve father’s rights? Zero empathy maniacs? The risk is too high. If this creep could not protect the life of his child before birth, how will that change after birth?
I respectfully disagree. Holding my LO in my arms has taught me how very precious and fragile they are. If she had been my exhole’s daughter I would lose my mind at the thought of that psychopath being anywhere near her! I don’t want horrifically abusive people in my life and it is my sacred duty to protect my child even if that means from “family”. There are far too many children damaged by a toxic parent. If you have the opportunity to protect your child from a fuckwit then please do it. Once the child is an adult they have plenty of time to seek to establish a relationship with an estranged parent with their eyes wide open and critical thinking skills. Don’t let a child endure abuse from an inconsistent fuckwit on the mistaken belief they somehow “need” both parents. They need a loving and stable, supportive home and they can have that with a sole parent. They miss out on nothing by losing an abuser.
I’m prefacing this comment with my usual “As a former advocate for victims of domestic violence I think that”…
I start out comments that way because it too often fits the bill. When I sense real danger, I kind of flip into technical explanations of abuse so forgive how “dry” this sounds. It’s just a response to what I recognize as extreme crisis because I think this guy is a dangerous abuser who’s threatening the life of mother and child. I don’t think it’s a stretch to predict he’s likely capable of much worse– though I don’t know how much worse it could be than this. If it seems surprising that he waited all this time to show his true face, it’s not. It’s what batterers do and make no mistake, that’s what this guy is. One specialist in domestic violence hypothesized that batterers channel far more psychic energy into image management than normal people which could explain how so many are able to mimic “nice and normal people” almost down to a cellular level and keep up the act for long periods of time, at least until some trigger pulls the mask off.
The timing gives it away. Pregnancy is often a trigger for abusers to drop their masks. Some researchers have argued that part of it is that batterers psychotically view the fetus as competition for their pathological, infantile, frequently concealed and denied dependence on partners (which triggers chronic rage and resentment for feeling helpless). Then part of it is feeling trapped (fear of “engulfment,” another peculiar internally-generated fear of batterers. Because they have no true self and tend to mirror partners, abusers easily feel as if others who actually have true selves are “impinging” views, beliefs, etc., into abusers’ voids). And part of it is sensing the victim is over a barrel and can’t escape no matter what the abuser does so the abuser will “celebrate” their power by showing their true faces). In any case, most fetal injuries occur in the course of domestic violence. An STI gotten through cheating that threatens an unborn child qualifies and cheating is increasingly viewed as a form of intimate partner violence.
It depends on the region but I think the OP qualifies to get services from battered women’s resources. Another earmark of intimate partner violence is “captor bonding/Stockholm syndrome” which battered women’s shelters are very familiar with. If you want to know if it’s DV, look no further than the victim’s total psychological paralysis. The victim’s sense of paralysis and dependence has likely been subtly cultivated by the abuser for a long, long time. My dad compared it to someone sawing a millimeter off the legs of your breakfast chair every day until one day your wake up and sit down and your chin is on the table and you don’t know how you got there. In any case, this is often wrongly attributed to the victim’s “codependence” while more cutting edge DV researchers believe the syndrome can be entirely explained by the actions of abusers and coercive control. The same type of captor bonding seen in political captives which is why even battle-tested intelligence operatives are never given whole parcels of state secrets but only bits and pieces. This is because, if captured and subjected to certain stressors (which DV expert Richard Gelles argues are precisely equivalent to the tactics of domestic abusers), these agents will reliably crack like pinatas and spill all sensitive information. This is so expected that captured agents are automatically given psychological deprogramming if/when released from enemy captivity.
And as the East German Stasi proved, physical violence isn’t even necessary to facilitate this process. The Stasi tagline was that while the Soviets and fascists broke bones, the Stasi broke souls. By the same token, contrary to the myth that batterers are violent all the time, DV expert and researcher Donald Dutton has argued that most batterers operate on a beat-by-need basis. If they can achieve certain goals through less athletic, less legally risky means, they will. And most victims report that it’s the psychological torture involved in DV that is most injurious and paralyzing. As for the goals of abuse, cheating is a major weapon in the arsenal of abusers because it can produce the same effects as physical violence which is likely while virtually all batterers cheat. By cheating, abusers can “dilute” their shameful, pathological, frequently masked (“s/he aint the boss of me!”) dependence on intimate partners by spreading that dependence out among more than one partner. This also helps the abuser continue to mask that shameful dependency from both themselves and others (“See, I don’t need him/her!”). It’s also a way of punishing the partner because the abuser typically blames the partner for “making” them dependent despite the fact that this dependence is entirely internally generated. The “punishment” is betrayal and potential exposure to disease. Furthermore, cheating is a form of triangulation and batterers typically try to generate social support to “approve” their abuse of partners. Affair partners and even hookers willing to cheat with a cheater are stand-ins for social approval because they’re agreeing to help abuse the intimate partner. Cheating is also psychologically devastating to victims which can further paralyze the partner and hinder their ability to escape.
Like CL and CN are saying, there’s no viable choice here but to get out and get out fast. He’s shown his true colors and every other “nice” trait he displayed before was a mirage. He bided his time in doing it exactly like a batterer and the victim now feels utterly flattened and helpless, which was all by design. It can only get worse from here so everything should be about safety, support (to emerge from captor bonding) and strategy.
One of the most important strategies is to keep this deadly menace far away from children. If he’s arrested for going to hookers, it’s going to hurt his case for custody or visitation. Bonus– it’s not like it’s going to hurt his financial contribution which is zero anyway.
I hope BMC is able to get help from the state, friends or family to move alone to a new, secure place and maybe hire a PI to get proof of FW’s criminal, abusive activity to use in court. The other pressing crisis is protecting health. Like CL, I would guess the new infection and even the yeast infections are due to the fact he’s been banging hookers and randos all this time. I got raging candida during FW’s affair because Schmoops was a butt-waxer which notoriously causes persistent thrush and even staph which are both sexually transmissible. She was also a raging alcoholic which alters gut flora and promotes chronic oral yeast among other ailments (gastic ulcers and tooth decay at the very least, which are both transmissible). FW thought Schmoops went commando just to be groovy and hot but it can be an attempt to air out the swampiness caused by removing pubic hair and the micro-injuries this causes which promote infection. Most hooker go bare down there because it’s what their porn-addled clients demand and they can pass on any number of things, including deadly MRSA. MRSA can be triggered by crotch-waxing and is now listed as sexually transmissible.
The final thing I would add is that captor bonding is not love. It’s nothing more than an evil spell. When its grip is loosened through social support and through understanding the process of how Stockholm syndrome takes hold via the specific, snaky tactics used by abusers, there will be no love or longing or heartbreak left in its place, only relief and freedom. If true safety is assured, eventually even victims of violence achieve “meh.” The ability to trust can take longer to restore but there’s a lot of light at the end of this tunnel as well as wisdom and power. Once you really know how all of this goes down, you’ll have points of bonding with all the other wise folks out there who know how it works. I think that knowledge can lead to deeper and more fulfilling friendships and relationships and even political understanding because the controlling, abusive, gaslighting tactics used by batterers are also the same tactics used for wider social control. Of course we don’t have to thank abusers or thank tragedy for gaining that wisdom since it’s only in spite of them that anyone achieves it.
Hell of a Chump —
You are spot on. You wrote:
“The timing gives it away. Pregnancy is often a trigger for abusers to drop their masks. Some researchers have argued that part of it is that batterers psychotically view the fetus as competition for their pathological, infantile, frequently concealed and denied dependence on partners …. part of it is feeling trapped (fear of “engulfment,” another peculiar internally-generated fear of batterers. … And part of it is sensing the victim is over a barrel and can’t escape no matter what the abuser does …”
EXACTLY. Ex FW’s mask didn’t fully come off until I had a baby. As soon as our son was born, FW didn’t want to come home anymore. I was mostly stranded for the first year with an infant. I went from a high paying job (at the same level as FW’s) to being a SAHM and alone. FW would get home at 10pm. It was horrific.
Things got better…. he claimed that first year he was “just scared.” Then when son was a toddler, FW would leave the house on the weekend and decide to stay out, leaving me to fend for myself. FW genuinely thought I was “stuck” and had no option.
At one point, I left at 6am on a Monday morning to get Starbucks just to show him that I had options too. I stayed there for 2 hours. He freaked out… he was home with our son and couldn’t leave for work. It was a turning point — trying to take back my power. And I tried to get counseling for us. I couldn’t understand what was going on.
But I didn’t know who I was dealing with and how much crazy he really is. These FW child-like narcs really do freak out when all the attention isn’t for them anymore. They don’t want to share attention with a baby. And they think that if you’re pregnant, you have no way out. It’s terrifying really.
I hope this helps others reading it too. Get free of anyone who sees their own child as competition and literally wants to keep you “barefoot and pregnant” (see: stuck with no way out)
Competitiveness with kids makes a kind of macabre sense considering research on the batterer psyche. It’s not easy to dig up but Dutton writes about something called “masked dependency” and argues that the more abusers mask their dependence on partners, the most statistically dangerous they can be. The fact that they feel “usurped” by their own children is incredibly chilling. As agonizing as it is to be abandoned with a new baby, it can be expressed in even worse ways. You might be lucky to be alive.
Male feminist ally John Stoltenberg https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Stoltenberg) took the idea further and postulated that abusers view male fetuses in particular as sexual competition. It may explain why, statistically, the worst violence to pregnant women by intimate abusers happens when the sex of the fetus is known to be male. Also 85% of batterers also abuse children and the most deaths and worst injuries in these cases typically occur among male children.
This is such a good reply, I wish I could like it a hundred times. This is EXACTLY what happened to me. This sort of abuse is so insidious. I also came to realize that the abuse started on DAY ONE. The wonderful, sweet, caring persona he wore was just the first step in his coercive control. He used the tactic of kindness until that didn’t work, and then ramped up to criticisms, insults, etc. and finally to horrible verbal abuse and gaslighting, and finally to intimidation and physical violence. But it wasn’t that he changed. He was always that way. “He bided his time in doing it exactly like a batterer and the victim now feels utterly flattened and helpless, which was all by design.”
“The final thing I would add is that captor bonding is not love. It’s nothing more than an evil spell. When its grip is loosened through social support and through understanding the process of how Stockholm syndrome takes hold via the specific, snaky tactics used by abusers, there will be no love or longing or heartbreak left in its place, only relief and freedom”.
-AMEN. My ex actually killed himself last year, and at first I felt like a horrible person, because my overwhelming emotion was RELIEF. The abuse was over. For good. (It did not stop during our separation/divorce, it got WORSE.) I don’t have hatred for him, or anger anymore. But I don’t have any love left, either. Once I got free of him, the love/longing/heartbreak went away.
“The victim’s sense of paralysis and dependence has likely been subtly cultivated by the abuser for a long, long time. My dad compared it to someone sawing a millimeter off the legs of your breakfast chair every day until one day your wake up and sit down and your chin is on the table and you don’t know how you got there. In any case, this is often wrongly attributed to the victim’s “codependence” while more cutting edge DV researchers believe the syndrome can be entirely explained by the actions of abusers and coercive control.”
-He broke me down over many years into a shell of myself, unable to make decisions, not knowing who I was outside of him. It was such a slow process I didn’t notice until he dumped me and I felt completely lost and hopeless without him. Even several episodes of physical violence couldn’t make me leave him. OW saved my life, because he dumped me for her and I was forced to make a life without him. It took several years of therapy to “find myself” again. I had to claw my way out of that hole with my bloodied hands. But I made it.
OP has had a stroke of fortune – he showed his true face before she was married to him. She is financially able to care for herself. The baby isn’t here yet. This is the perfect time for her to RUN. If I had known what my life would become after my son was born (which was when the abuse got noticeably worse), I would have left so much earlier.
My ex killed himself as well. The abuse, like you, got way worse when I finally left,I believe once he knew he couldn’t manipulate me anymore he checked out. His meal ticket dried up, the person he blamed his lousy life for (me) was no longer going to save him from his poor choices and he literally couldn’t deal with the reality. I too felt a lot of guilt because I too was simply relieved he couldn’t hurt me anymore. You are not alone.
OW left my ex when he started treating her the way he’d treated me. Unlike me, she didn’t stay for years and years after the abuse got bad (which was much faster for her than me). So FW hadn’t had time to line up a replacement for her. He couldn’t be alone. OW was also very vocal about his abuse, contacting friends, employers, landlord, etc. He tried to come to me for pity, but by that point I was completely done with him and no longer emotionally attached and so unavailable. With his public persona crumbling and the very real chance that because of that he would lose any custody of our child, as well as the fact that he had gotten himself into a terrible financial hole, he took, in my opinion, the easy way out. Not caring about the mess he left behind. His suicide note was full of blame for everyone but himself. Clearly he’d rather have died than ever apologized and tried to set things right.
It was horrible for me (all his “friends” abandoned him; I was the only one who noticed he was missing and took the police to his house where they found his body – it had been almost a week since he died) but our kid actually took it pretty well considering he was only 9. My child’s response to the news? “I had a feeling it would come to this.” I mean, Jesus. So yeah, after the initial shock, my kid and I are both better off.
My God you got out by the skin of your teeth. This reminds me of a vignette in the book “What Cops Know” by an officer who went to deliver a death report that the father of a family had died and was shocked when the long-battered mom and children began cheering, laughing and hugging each other in joy at the news.
From what I’ve read and learned about Stockholm syndrome, the reason it mimics love and devotion is because abusers are hyper-vigilant to any sign of rebellion in victims so only the victims’ total, seamless appearance of dependence/devotion can elicit a bit of mercy from abusers. In other words, victims have to believe their own “love” ruse because only if they believe it does it work to keep them temporarily safe. Of course the safety is only temporary because the abuse will always ramp up. Because trying to leave an abuser can vastly increase the danger, it’s usually only when the danger of staying starts to match the danger of attempted escape that many survivors are able to break free. When I did advocacy work I got so sick of hearing bystanders say about murdered women that “She’d be alive if she left ten years ago.” I would say, “Yeah, well, and she might have been dead ten years ago, too.” I was being a bit flip from exasperation and I do think abuse victims can sometimes get out sooner with support, deprogramming and– most of all– practical resources that typically cost more than states (or blamey bystanders) want to provide. But there’s still some truth in what I said. Escaping increases danger at first.
For me the insinuated danger wasn’t of direct violence but indirect– being abandoned with vulnerable children, fearing fabricated attacks on my character and reputation that could compromise my custody of children, etc. Every abuser will tailor their tactics to whatever is most effective which can differ with every victim. Anyway, part of what I learned about Stockholm syndrome was watching myself go through it. That’s the rub: you can intellectually understand how it works but still not be entirely capable of stopping the process. It’s a bit like being awake on the operating table but paralyzed. You feel every cut but you can’t get away– at least at first. I do think understanding it can expedite being able to shake it off. Getting a lawyer and learning that I had certain protections against ruin or losing custody flipped me into fighting mode much faster because I recognize that my “dependence” might be a mirage based on fear.
“Every abuser will tailor their tactics to whatever is most effective which can differ with every victim.”
Yep. Mine knew better than to try anything physical. I’m trained to fight and he isn’t. He’s also a physical coward. So he had to be more subtle. The insidiousness of it caused massive confusion and mental health damage.
“It’s a bit like being awake on the operating table but paralyzed. You feel every cut but you can’t get away– at least at first. I do think understanding it can expedite being able to shake it off.”
What an apt description. Seeing it for what it was absolutely saved me. I was feeling suicidal almost every minute of every day (no exaggeration) for years and had made a few attempts. I credit one of my kids, who first identified it as abuse, and CL and CN (plus self help groups and my own research), for explaining how it works and how to get free of it, with saving my life.
“I recognize that my “dependence” might be a mirage based on fear.”
I’m so glad you did!
I wonder if psychological abuse alone is more fatal in that sense. One of the psychologists, Evan Stark, who spearheaded legislation against coercive control has a book out by the same name. I wish he’d included infidelity in descriptions of psychological torture. I may write to him about it. We cited his work constantly when I worked for the service. I once read an excerpt of a chapter on DV written by Stark aloud in a meeting and a woman who’d been blinded in an assault got up and did a kind of Baptist revival dance and laughed. The truth will set you free. Plus you can dance to it. Doesn’t work with bullshit.
Sometimes, I think that the only way I will feel any sense of justice is if my ex dies. But recently, I’ve been experiencing occasional panic attacks, worrying that he will kill himself. I just don’t understand how he can live with himself (probably just projection). This fear is weird and surprises me because I’m pretty much meh and he is dead to me, and even most of my fury from the initial discovery, Hoover/discard then scorched earth has subsided. I also think about what I would say if one of his family members (who were my family for over a decade) reached out to inform me (which I don’t even know if they would, which is also incredibly bizarre). I could only sincerely say, “I wish you peace and healing.” Couldn’t say sorry for their loss or anything redeeming about him. A couple years ago, I cared more about his life than my own, and I couldn’t imagine my life without him. What a strange world.
I keep thinking about Laci Peterson. And Shananne Watts. A psychologist said not all narcissists are sociopaths but all sociopaths are narcissists.
Please reread every response starting with CL.
I was thinking the same thing. Also Jennifer Dulos whose murder triggered “Jennifer’s Law” in Connecticut which finally makes coercive control a crime. All three murders were cases of emotionally and financially abusive cheaters who’d never reportedly been physically violent until their spouses tried to leave or, in Dulos’s case, get custody (batterers typically use children as tools of control of exes and losing that tool may signal the kind of finality that batterers don’t accept). Just because a cheater isn’t violent yet doesn’t mean they won’t eventually be which is why learning about the signs of subviolent abuse/coercive control and categorizing it– legally, morally and in every other way– on a DV continuum is so important.
More good news, he’s a boyfriend, not a spouse, so no divorce.
The point of view expressed here is entirely what happens when you invest in the dream, not the reality, about your relationship and partner. I was guilty of thinking I could fix others, guilty of believing my FOO dream. I had to get over that and fix my picker before I could move forward by leaps and bounds. My change started with small steps, then my strides grew, then I was running like my hair was on fire.
I went on vacation once with 3 other married couples. My Ex and I did not have children, yet. We went to the Florida Keys, and went out on a boat most days, and stayed in dive motels, being beach bums. It was cheap fun for almost a week.
One of the couples had one daughter (about 6 I think). They slept in the same room. The husband started pestering the wife for some type of sex as soon as the lights went out, not willing to wait for the child to actually go to sleep or do without. Not one single day. She finally told the other wives why the obvious tension was ruining her vacation. I could never look at him or talk to him again. We never socialized again. His line was “men have needs.”
I was married to a selfish man, but if he had tried that crap on me, our marriage would have been much shorter, and we would never have had kids. If you need a sexual fix so bad, find yourself some private time in a locked bathroom, and STFU. If your SO has no respect for your needs, find another SO. Situations like this never get better. It does not matter how much you want to believe in the dream, it won’t happen with a FW.
THIS is what RIC bullshit breeds.
RIC is the worst for sure.
I am not sure from how it reads that they were involved with this situation.
Yeah, I don’t think the OP got enmeshed with RIC yet. The FW’s werewolf transformation just happened. The dust is still hovering in the air above where his “nice guy” mask just dropped. Now she’s in a hotel and a friend is coming to form a war council (hopefully). Send lots of healing, strengthening, “fuck that asshole” thoughts that she keeps going in that direction.
DO NOT MARRY THIS GUY. A proposal and a bunch of prostitute promises will come your way when you break it off with him. He will turn on the charm, he will do everything he can to keep you as his breadwinner. If you marry him you will for sure be paying spousal support when you do eventually get divorced.
Yes and follow CL’s advice and don’t put his name on the birth certificate, either.
Good warning. If he was that good at acting like a “nice guy” for so long (minus the lack of proposal and hobosexual bilking), he’s going to pull out a full orchestra and sing “Return to Me” in a warbly voice with tears streaming down his face and throw rose petals at her feet. In fact, I should quickly (and badly) rewrite that song as an emergency inoculation. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EpBjgQlT_jA
Return to me
Oh my dear I’m so horny
Hurry back, hurry back, oh my love
Hurry back, I’ve got bills
Return to me
For I just want a blowjob
From a hooker or two or some chimps at the zoo
Hurry home to my dick
[Bridge]
My darling
Give me another chance
To infect the baby
And please pay the masseuse
Return to me
Please come back chumpa mia
Hurry back, hurry home to my lies
And my wandering dong
Return to me, return to me
Ritorna me
La mia paffuta patsy
Mi manca usarti
Come una bambola
Bobo
Return to meeeeee…
.
Get your village together – coworkers, friends, family, the mailperson, anyone to help you move out while he isn’t home. Don’t tell him where you go. You’ve been doing it all alone already. You will do it alone after too, but you will do and that’s all your baby needs. They need one person and that is you and they are so blessed. Do not let this lowlife excuse of a human bring you down anymore. There won’t be a reprieve until you have removed yourself from him. Put yourself and your baby first. He will never be on that list.
When I had to go get my stuff out of my house (where my husband was staying), I enlisted a cop (call and tell them you need a “civil standby”), the police chaplain, a DV advocate, and two friends. There are resources out there. My stbx insisted on being in the house while I packed (he didn’t want me collecting any evidence of his affair, I suppose, or taking “his” stuff). He was FURIOUS that I brought the police, but I hadn’t seen him in a year and he’d been horribly abusive via phone and text, as well as through his lawyer, and in the past had physically harmed me. I wasn’t taking any chances.
Listen to Chump Lady and get rid of the despicable hobosexual who’s leaching off you. He is absolutely, unequivocally irredeemable.
I could go on and on about this guy because I’m so angry I want to be Vinnie and kill him with my bare hands. I’m amazed you’ve been able to work through this physical and emotional torture. You are a tower of strength and you sure as hell don’t need this sick, abusive bastard. He will only be poison to the child, too. Leave his name off the birth certificate and terminate his parental rights. What’s he going to do about it, sue you? He doesn’t have the money for a lawyer. Do not feel sorry for him. He has no authentic tender feelings for you, the baby, or anybody else. Believe CL and believe CN because this judgement will be unanimous. We don’t have to know him to see that he is evil. His actions speak for themselves. Back the dump truck on him immediately.
Now I need a shower after reading about that piece of filth.
I forgot to mention the financial stuff. If you have a joint account or one he has access to, take all the money out and open an account in a different bank. Do not tell him. Then when he goes to the ATM to get hooker money he’ll be in for a surprise.????
If he has a credit card on your account, cancel it. If he has a cell phone on your account, cancel that. Change the locks. If he’s in your will, change it. If he has life insurance on you, talk to the company. Tell them he is an abuser and you fear for your life, because he is an abuser and you should fear for your life. They will cancel the policy. Prepare for things to get ugly and go to a DV shelter if need be. Tell everybody you are close to that he has been abusing you by seeing prostitutes and giving you infections, threatening your life and the life of your baby. Tell them you are afraid that he will become violent, because he very well could when you dump him. Anyone who doesn’t stand by you and is not willing to help protect you is garbage and should be tossed. Good luck. Please stay in touch and let us know you are safe. ????
Yes, I’d say this situations has the earmarks of potential violence. The OP would NOT be lying to say this is a possibility and report it as something she fears. If she’s in the UK, coercive control laws can kick in to protect her or in certain states in the US. He does not have to have been violent in the past for this to be considered a risk. It’s more about patterns of behavior.
Amen to the financial tips. The fewer resources he has, the less he’ll be able to stalk.
One thing which helped me wrap my head around how I could have been so wrong about who I fell in love with… The “Clever Hans” effect. One hundred years ago, a horse who could do complex math was big news. A team of scientists eventually figured out that the horse, Clever Hans, couldn’t really do math; instead, he was responding to his trainer’s body language. Clever Hans could only “do math” when his trainer knew the answer.
These FWs are like Clever Hans. They only ape love. The FW knows your buttons, how to ape signals which encourage you to give more and let him off the hook. The FWs love to see you love them, so they encourage that with words and gestures which mean nothing to them. BMC is one of those loving people who can’t imagine NOT being a rock for someone they love, so it’s hard to imagine what goes on inside these parasites aping love.
I call it biomimicry and abusers are notoriously good at pretending to be good people– so much so that even pets and little kids may be drawn to them. If you were a total void and cipher pretending to be human, wouldn’t you choose a stellar model of human to emulate rather than a so-so one? One DV researcher even argued that batterers have an “alacrity” for reading and understanding material of interest to women. I guess they catch more flies with faux empathy and faux feminism.
The founder of the advocacy organization gave me a heads up that I would get to see the chilling moments when batterers’ masks fall and their image management machine sputters out if I attended court proceedings against batterers in which either the victim or the victim’s experts/witnesses testified about assaults in detail or video or audio recordings are aired of abusers in full berserker mode. Abusers can apparently keep up that charm mask as long as no one’s confronting them with the bald ugliness of their own conduct. They tend to arrange their lives so that no one can confront them or everyone’s too terrified. Plus DV expert Donald Dutton describes batterers as having willful amnesia about their own behavior. They very often have fuzzy memories because they tend to automatically reconstruct past events so that those events reflect them in a better light (and their victims in a worse one). But in a courtroom with an armed marshal, abusers can’t stop these things from being aired and you get to see the werewolf transformation. I’ve seen it. It’s terrifying. From placid, blinking innocence to beet-red, wild-eyed maniac psychotically stabbing a legal pad with a pencil in .5 seconds just because they couldn’t threaten the victim or their medical experts out of describing assaults and injuries.
You could even say that this ability to reconstruct past events is the main facilitator of chronic violence. These people can do terrible, savage things and then magically shift back into actually seeing themselves as good people down to a cellular level. Thus biomimicy.
It’s your money he’s using to see prostitutes. No, it’s your and your baby’s money. Think about that. This kind of male entitlement to sex and your interest in complying is called marital rape – coercion. I walked in on my ex husband sucking our lawyers dick, and I stayed, because “pregnant” because “need housing security for my kids” and more bullshittery like that. It’s not ok. You just need to tell people “I’m just not ok with his priorities such as demanding sex all the time and seeing hookers when I say no”. If you cut the money supply to pay for them he’ll just find women who will do it for free. Run gurl run.
My ex FW of 25 years didn’t have sex too frequently. I thought he had a low sex drive. But also he didn’t come to bed or spend any intimate time with me so there was no build up or closeness. Turns out he got his “needs” met by jerking off to porn, going to sex clubs and hookers. I wanted more sex and some intimacy, he wanted to tie women up and hurt them for pleasure. All this came crashing down on DDay when I learned the truth. The thing is, no one could meet his “needs” forever- his fantasy sex needs are insatiable. He was buying hookers while I was sitting home with our young baby, all alone in a foreign country we moved to for his work. I had infections galore, including an all over staph infection on my skin. He’s such a fucking asshole for doing that to me, and I will never forgive him. I always felt inadequate and down, longing for love and time with my husband. He was out fucking strange. Any man who has sex with you frequently and then goes out for BJs because of his “needs” is a complete vampire and you need to leave him. He won’t stop his compulsive sexual behaviour. You’re lucky in the sense you know now, not after 25 years. Get STI tests and tell your doctor everything right away. I hope you can move in with your parents or some family or friends. He sounds abusive if he’s talking shit about you taking his baby away. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this. ????
What the hell is the matter with her OB providers? If a bunch of strangers on the internet can see what’s going on, why can’t they?
OP, talk to them.
What? Boy, doctors sure get a bad rap. Many, many pregnant women get recurring UTI’s and yeast infectionsduring pregnancy. They are not really STD’s. This guy is a scumbag, see my comment below, but the OB is not to blame. At all. If this sweet Mom shares this info with the OB, she will be supported and I’m sure the OB will carefully explain how seriously this dick is putting his baby at risk. But no one can read minds and, again, UTI’s and yeast infections in pregnancy are not at all isolated to people with cheating partners. Let’s blame the cheater. It’s all on him.
Where in from STI testing is standard with pregnancy. When my doctor said I should get checked for “everything” (as HIV testing was optional at that point) during my first prenatal appointment. I said I didn’t think it was necessary, but I’d do it anyway. She said there’s no way you can ever know if your partner is monogamous, so it’s best to do it.
Dear, sweet expectant mom, so many people have said he’s “risking your health and the baby’s.” Let me be a little more specific, as a pediatrician and a chump. Neonatal herpes, which happens most often when the baby’s mom gets infected for the first time during pregnancy, is one of the worst things that I’ve seen as a pediatrician over a long career. This is from the Am.Acad. Of Family Practice:, emphases and editing are mine.
A neonatal HSV infection can be DEVASTATING to an infant. Most cases occur in the intrapartum period but they may occur in utero and postnatally through contact with oral or skin lesions. Many infants infected with HSV are born prematurely and subsequently have a low birth weight. Congenital HSV.. can result in an infant born with microcephaly, hydrocephalus, chorioretinitis and vesicular skin lesions.9… [that’s small head due to lack of normal brain development, extra fluid on the brain that needs surgical drainage, serious eye inflammation that can cause blindness, and skin blisters.]
The diagnosis of neonatal HSV can be difficult initially. The presentation is nonspecific, with signs and symptoms such as irritability, lethargy, fever or failure to feed at about one week of age (Table 1). Infants often do not have skin lesions (less than 50 percent of infants with encephalitis or disseminated disease). BY THE TIME THE DIAGNOSIS IS MADE, MANY INFANTS HAVE SEVERE DISEASE AND HAVE DEVELOPED COMPLICATIONS. When diagnosis is delayed, MORTALITY IS HIGG DESPITE ANTIVIRAL THERAPY… (mortality is ) 15 percent among infants with encephalitis and 57 percent among infants with disseminated disease, even with antiviral therapy. Long-term morbidity is common in infants who survive with encephalitis or disseminated disease, and may include SEIZURES, PSYCHOMOTOR RETARDATION, SPASTICITY, BLINDNESS, OR KEARNING DISABILITIES. (Table 2).8
This is serious. Deadly serious. Maybe he didn’t know HOW serious, but he didn’t care to find out. For a BLOW JOB. Lots of men, and I’d argue the vast majority, survive without blow jobs durimg and after pregnancy and they are happy to do this for the women they love. It’s hard to leave when pregnant. It’s harder to leave once he’s on the birth certificate and you have to let someone have custody of your beloved child who values a blow job over his partner and child. You can do it. Tell your family the truth. Please. Sending so much love and support.
It happened to me, and it was a traumatic, horrible nightmare. Please see my below post with the details. My infant daughter and I both paid a high price for my abusive ex-husband’s secret “sex addiction”. Six years later and not a day goes by that I don’t feel immensely grateful for the health of my youngest child. Infidelity is abuse. Please be careful, Babymummachump.
Babymummachump, I’m amazed that you had sex even once or twice a week given your state of health. I wouldn’t be capable of it.
Also, I must agree that the recurring UTIs and the other infection do point to an STI, or STIs.
You and the baby will be infinitely better off without this person. Listen to Chumplady! Lose A Cheater, Gain A Life!
…but his NEEDS, what about his needs?!
To me, this is just a short hop away from “his needs weren’t being met so…” or “well, she was giving too much attention to the kids”.
And that’s a huge problem with the RIC, it assumes two emotionally “healthy” individuals and ignores the possibility of sociopathic abusers, like this guy. Often they weaponize therapy speak to blame-shift and gaslight which I have no doubt this guy would do. Already has, which is why he felt justified announcing he would get his all important needs met elsewhere.
Run away!!!!!!!!! Run away nooowwwwww!!!!
Cl, you are such a treasure and spot on accurate in your assessment and advice. I would try for full custody of the baby too. This guy does not have a snowball’s chance in hell of becoming a great dad and partner, absolutely ZERO chance!! He’s scarily abusive to you.
I am so sorry you’ve been so ill, you certainly are getting challenged! And you only missed two days of work?! How is that even possible? You are amazing!
If you can move in with your parents, I might go with that option right now instead of having to set up a whole new place when you’ve had soooo much going on already. They can maybe help you with the baby early on and you may be able to get a break here and there.
I don’t know how you’re even able to write a coherent letter for advice to CL! You are truly incredible.
He………is the lowest denominator scumbag. Don’t pick up any of his calls, tell all the ppl that will support you what happened. The shame is not on you, you are a superstar extraordinaire! Turn to ppl for support, he put himself under the bus, you didn’t do it and owe him nothing.
I’m glad you didn’t marry the creeper, extricate him and his omnipotent slimy dick from you and your baby’s world, it will be the most important decision of your lives and you have to trust with every fiber of your being that he really really does SUCK!!!!! You are asking professionals on the topic!
All the best to you and your babe to be, I promise you better days are coming for you, even wonderful ones, which is hard to imagine just now. Just lose that simply awful FW first.
Do it for all us Chumps that wished we had got out a whole lot sooner!
Thank you. I work from home when I need to, so sometimes was working through sickness. Reading the comments about overfunctioning kind of blowing my mind because my bf has repeatedly told me I am lazy (because I don’t do manual Labour which is how he makes the little money he makes, and I’m paid well).
That’s manipulation talking, all part of the abuse. The longer you stay, the more you will second guess your own worth and world view. Hell, he will be able to convince you that the hookers give better head than you and YOU will attempt to up your game!!
Don’t be fooled, they are capable of that and a whole lot more. This isn’t a one off situation, it’s abuse and it doesn’t end, it just goes under cover when it needs to. It’s who he is!
You are only seeing what he allows you to see in his life and that’s already catastrophic to you. ( and should be!!)
Imagine what is going on under the surface he hasn’t given you access to!
Stand strong, you’ve got this. Listen to your gut and your UTI’s, this man has only the capacity of caring about himself, he personality is disordered, it is not the difficulties in your pregnancy making him go tilt, it’s just forcing his mask to slip off sooner than he wanted.
He is no good for you or your baby and you will have a much better life without him in it. It’s all not easy and very destabilizing and surreal, but trust that it is very real that you need to take action and never look back, it’s the only right decision for you.
My ex husband called me lazy even though I was working two jobs while pregnant and doing 99% of the household chores. These guys are just jerks. I guarantee you are not lazy.
BMC, He is trying to instill uncertainty and sow doubt in your mind. He wants you to think you can’t do this without him. He is full of piss and wind. So snug down in your cave, and let the boy water the lawn and howl at the moon. He can be the wind outside your cave. Not in it. Take care, stay safe.
BMC – If you take away one thing it’s this.
Be ruthless.
If he’s blatantly saying to your face that he’s going to get hookers – then he’s already seen them, and not just for oral. Trust me – my ex wife and thousands of others will tell you – it’s trickle truth….
You don’t know anything then what he’s told you and he’s a liar…
I wish I had been more ruthless with my ex wife but I froze with fear. A lot of people on here will tell you what that’s like…
Fear about what would happen next – what would I do without my family – I didn’t want to be lonely etc it was powerful. It kept me on a leash and my ex did awful things to me – in front of my eyes.
The worst thing she did was pretend she wanted to be with me – that really just killed me, the psychological strain was awful – I think about it all the time, she enjoyed it
Little did I know she had already completely checked out and trying to get pregnant by the OM
Life is hard and it will get harder but your post tells me your a resourceful and intelligent women – but your emotions will be going haywire! That’s normal – but don’t give into fear.
Have someone take care of you that you trust and speak to a lawyer if you can.
Don’t be scared! You’ve got this!
Be ruthless for your kid and don’t for a second doubt yourself.
If I had been more ruthless I would have my daughter 50/50 instead I have to fly halfway across the world….
You and your boyfriend, yes boyfriend, could not make a commit to marry before conceiving and now you are upset that the alley cat is leaving for something better. You made a very poor decision and sadly you are going to live with it for a long time. First off get samples for DNA testing so when he claims it is not his you have your own samples. Second go to a lawyer right now and ask what you have to do to insure he pays his share for the “pleasure” received. Get all the information you can on what visitation if any you must allow. Toss the alleycat out and never look back; in the future only time you think of him is when the checks, if they ever do, come in. Good luck because you are going to need it.
Thank god she didn’t marry the pos, who could then file for half her assets and maintenance.
Comments like this make me wish CL hadn’t got rid of the downvote button.
Fuck off you spiteful arsehole with your vile comment. Or are you just a troll ? Either way you’re a despicable piece of crap.
“Our sex life has drastically changed, with sex daily or every other day now scaled back to once or twice a week (and honestly only then because I feel I must).”
This sort of thing is a recurring theme with cheaters (probably because cheating is abuse) – they make their partners feel obliged to “give” them sex. No matter how you feel about it, he has to have sex.
That’s abusive. He has the mind of a rapist.
Feeling entitled to sex is a red flag. You may have assumed that having sex you did not want would keep him from cheating (it’s a common myth), and wonder if he would have stayed faithful had you tormented yourself even more to give him what he felt entitled to, but the reality is that his disregard for what you want is part of the abusive personality that also caused him to see a prostitute.
I feel that should be mentioned, because imho, when you feel that you ‘must’ have sex you don’t want – that is the time to start running.
Good luck!
He has probably been using prostitutes most of the time you’ve been together. He is telling you about it now when you’re at your most vulnerable because he thinks you will be unable or unwilling to enact consequences. This is calculated abuse, not an accident or a coincidence.
Don’t make the mistake I did. I was on my own during pregnancy because he said he didn’t want to be a father after 8 years together. While pregnant I got a new job in my home state, moved 3 times, and made all of the arrangements for birth on my own. My ex “came around” when our son was born and claimed that he was just fearful of being a father but that the experience changed him and he wanted to be there for us. For two years he modeled nearly exemplary behavior, so we got married, I quit my job, sold the house I bought for myself when I was pregnant, and moved across the country with him. A month later he told me he had been cheating for the last year and didn’t want to be together or a family anymore. So I packed up my toddler, flew back home the next morning, and Started. All. Over. Do not let him fool you into thinking that he’s he’d a revelation. They do not have character transplants. They stay the same old lying, cheating, abusive shit stains they always were.
I struggled a lot those first few years, and the days of being unemployed and living in my parents’ guest room bring back bad memories. But now my BEAUTIFUL son is 10, I’m at the peak of my career with a job I never thought I’d achieve, I’m married to an incredible fellow chump and we have the relationship I’d always wanted and never had with the ex fuckwit, and we have a beautiful home with a garden that my husband built for me that looks like it came out of a magazine.
Life is better on the other side. Your strength will get you and your baby through, and you’ll create something better than you have dreamed.
Sending love and strength.
Babymummachump, This is one of the more disturbing letters I’ve read here (and there have been some doozies!) For the sake of your sanity, your dignity, your finances, your physical health, your upcoming role as a mother, and especially for your child please get out of this relationship immediately. You and your child deserve so much better. Please know that there is a tribe of chumps cheering you on and sending you strength to make the right decision for you and your baby’s health and safety.
BMC- I am in the middle of a divorce. D day was when I was 5 mo pregnant with twins, my 3rd and 4th kiddos. I kicked him out after I found out. After therapy, time and processing with my newborns, I’ve realized he DARVO for sure and manipulated me and his family into believing he was suicidal so he could be the victim 3 days after D Day and avoid taking responsibility for what he’s done. I’m the breadwinner and go back to work from maternity leave in 2 weeks. I filed an order for temporary child support (he has paid $0 and only given me 1 pack of diapers for our 4 kids) and now his lawyer is saying I need to pay him spousal support and his legal fees. It’s ridiculous.
I was able to have the babies without him. It was really sad. And not what I wanted. But I felt safe and could not imagine seeing this horrible person he had become (or been all along) next to me in my most vulnerable state after the carelessness he had for me, my health and our unborn babies health. I did the protective order from the hospital. The nurses and team have your back. He did visit the babies in the hospital, but it was with one of my friends supervising him in another room. I haven’t seen him face to face since February (babies born 2 months later) and I’m keeping it that way as long as possible despite having to hand off my babies (with others’ help) for visits with him 4x a week.
Men who cheat on their pregnant partners are the most selfish men on the planet.
Men who have Unprotected sex with someone else and then come insist on sex with their pregnant partners who are obviously physically hurting are even worse.
And men who blame their pregnant partners for being responsible for their sexual satisfaction under the guise and lies of being in a committed and monogamous relationship is sexual coercion.
I think you’ll find as you have time and space to process, that he really is a POS and horrible partner. Good for you for leaving now. It’s hard.
You’re doing it. You got this.
Heres the good news 1- you are not married 2- you need to move out anyways from house you share. This is a good break time. Move out now. Go home to your parents, so they can help you. No need to lie or cover for him. Tell the truth, he is seeing sex workers. Im sure your parents will be supportive. He can pay child support. You are young. Move on now, find a nice man. Dday for me was when I was pregnant. I found out through HPV, yes it can lay dormant for 2 years and I choose to believe that. Now its 20 yrs and 2 kids later. I can tell you from experience once a cheater always a cheater. I wish someone had told me about poor character. I would have pulled the plug on the marriage then. Cheaters dont change, they just dont, because of poor character.
Honestly RUN, like your hair is on fire – don’t put him on your babies birth certificate, it’s much easier to parent without a fuckwit. I’m so sorry, but you’ve got this.
You sound so resilient and strong! I am in a similar situation. I discovered my husband’s hooker habit while pregnant with our third baby last autumn. The shock was immense and I was paralysed for a long time. I tried to save our 20 year relationship and he wanted to recover from his ‘addiction’, but he just feels like a stranger now. I thought we were happy and he always seemed so caring, but all the while he has spend more than 60000 euros on about 400 hookers and booze. It’s still unbelievable to me, but it is the truth sadly. How could he do this? Why did I not see it? I hope to regain some peace of mind after the divorce. I wish you a fw-free happy future. We can do this!
Rosie, He could do that because it did not cost him. As Chumplady says, Kibbels! Lundy Bancroft’s Why Does He Do That? is an eye-opening read. And helps a-lot with our (chumps) moving on. Take care, stay safe.
You are right, although paying a hooker would feel like an embarrasment en humiliating to be honest; hardly kibbles. But I Don’t think like a punter. I just don’t get the appeal of transactional sex with women who are often abused and forced to do this. I so wish this dirty world was not part of my reality. I am disgusted by it. My stbxh says he would never do it again as he sees how damaging this is to everyone involved. The face he could not come to this realisation earlier is inconprehensible to me. I don’t believe him and trust that he sucks.
I am speechless. Escape dear, you are dealing with evil .Please, dont raise your precious baby near or around such an evil person.. Please, listen to everyone above, birth certificate with your name only. You or him can add his name later, but you can not remove him from it. He does not love you or the baby, sorry to be so blunt.
About him calling you lazy when you are not, he is puting you down for a reason,with a purpose, and it is not good.
watch videos by Doctor Ramani on youtube.
Wishing you and your baby all the best, you both deserve to be loved and cherished.