My husband and I don’t know what to do, his sister (my SIL) is a chump of epic proportions.
She is 18 months out from D-day, her fuckwit led a full-on double life, cheating the entirety of their 16-year relationship and acted against her in a myriad of heinous ways (including cheating while she was in the hospital after a life threatening miscarriage).
Currently, she is deeply entrenched in reconciliation and will not even entertain any thoughts that she feels would deter her support for her Sex Addict Husband and his TREATMENT.
They are both seeing counselors and have all worked together to outline the criteria for his “self reporting” and the consequences he will suffer if he breaks the rules. She does say any more physical cheating is a dealbreaker. Their outlined treatment plan explains that he needs 1-3 years of therapy to heal and change him before they even get to the point of deciding if they will recommit to the marriage. Of course they will continue to live together and move forward as a married couple during those 1-3 years.
My SIL is completely against protecting herself in any way. She will not go see a lawyer or even entertain a post-nup. She doesn’t see how any of that would help her. She says if he cheats again then they “will divorce like normal people do every day.” She has declined our offer to pay for a forensic accountant and will not discuss the financial details, which we know are dire, as he lost his job and license due to the infidelity, and he is a gambling addict as well.
We had one confrontational conversation with her and she now knows without a doubt that we want nothing to do with the Fuckwit ever again, and that her brother (my husband) actively hates him and repeatedly called him a POS.
So now we are cut out of any information and interactions with her and her kids. All we see is the stupid Fuckwit winning, and it’s SO FRUSTRATING!
SIL is simply more isolated, steeped in denial and is keeping secrets to protect him as she strongly believes he is a “good man” who “loves her and the kids” meanwhile we look like the assholes for refusing to give him the benefit of the doubt.
Their kids are 9 and 14 and know only a small portion of what is going on outside of what they hear pressing ears to closed doors. They know for sure that dad betrayed mom and that both parents are in group and individual counseling. I feel for the kids, especially the younger daughter. I had so much sympathy for my SIL at the beginning and now i just want to shake her and scream that she’s hurting her children, even though I know there isn’t much I can do and I worry that none of this is actually my business anyway.
I am writing you and Chump Nation for any advice on what we can do now as just waiting for the Fuckwit to die (he is 18 years older then SIL) doesn’t seem very proactive. However, she has definitely shown us that she isn’t interested in any opinions that point to LEAVE HIS ASS. Also, while we did an extensive internet background check on him we discovered what might be an illegitimate child from 30 years ago. My husband hasn’t said anything because there isn’t conclusive evidence, and he doesn’t want to completely ruin his relationship with his sister.
Should we tell her anything? Is any of this even my business???
Thank you for listening,
Leave A Cheater Believer
Dear Leave a Cheater Believer,
It’s really painful to watch people you care about behave self-destructively. And it’s exponentially worse when there are children involved.
I absolutely understand the desire to bolt her to a chair for the Red Flag TED talk. Or intern her at the Red Flag re-education camp indefinitely. But I’m not sure you could break her.
I mean, what torture could you devise that is worse than what she’s already enduring? This woman pours pain over her cornflakes.
I know, I know, you’re trying to show her the way OUT. To stop wasting her life on a serial cheating, broke-ass fuckwit. To move toward safety! Away from the pain!
Yes, but to do that means first she has to walk through an even greater wall of pain. And she can’t face it. Or doesn’t want to. She’d have to accept the truth of him.
And as every chump here can tell you, that is a tsunami of pain. To know that you were deliberately devalued. That you invested in a fraud. That you can’t get the years back, or any of the other sunk costs. And in this weakened, vulnerable state, you have to rebuild. Which feels completely impossible.
Especially when there’s this really powerful narcotic hopium on offer. Just escape.
All that pain has a purpose! A new and improved EVEN BETTER marriage! That’s the shit the Reconciliation Industrial Complex is peddling. You don’t have to lose this husband, he can be transformed! Just send us one-to-three years of your disposable income, and maybe you’ll get a unicorn. If you don’t? Well, it’s because you didn’t follow the Affair Proof Your Marriage™ recipe carefully enough. Sorry, no refunds.
The RIC is selling hope. And you are selling a shit ton of pain. Wrapped in 16-years worth of I-Told-You-Sos.
But as you can see, and CN can see, I can see (because I have read a bazillion of these stories) the fuckwit is going to keep being a fuckwit. Because it works for him. And because there are zero consequences. All he has to do for the price of his gambling and whoring is attempt contrition. Sit on the shrink sofa, or in the sad church basement with his fellow jizz “addicts.” And wear her down.
When it all blows up, he’ll blame her for not trying hard enough at his recovery. And so will the quack sex addiction therapists. (And if you don’t believe me, go down that whole RIC rat hole of victim-blaming “therapy.”)
They are both seeing counselors and have all worked together to outline the criteria for his “self reporting” and the consequences he will suffer if he breaks the rules.
Wow. However will he withstand the weight of such accountability? Self-reporting from a man who’s led a 16-year double life? How do these therapists get credentials?
She does say any more physical cheating is a dealbreaker.
And yet she won’t get a post-nup. I’m not seeing the boundaries.
I had so much sympathy for my SIL at the beginning and now I just want to shake her and scream that she’s hurting her children, even though I know there isn’t much I can do and I worry that none of this is actually my business anyway.
You don’t control her, but you do control yourself. You’re free to tell her that it pains you to see her put her children through this. You’re free to go no contact with her, but try to keep up with the kids. You’re free to say the fuckwit isn’t invited to your family gatherings. But you’ll reconsider it after that three years of fuckwit detox he’s in.
You have other options than to eat the shit sandwich that you approve of her choices and of him.
what we can do now as just waiting for the Fuckwit to die (he is 18 years older then SIL)
My doctor says these people live to ripe old ages. But everyone around them kicks off early from the stress. Fuckwits themselves don’t stress. Why would they? Everyone around them is paying for things, rescuing them and making life quite comfortable. This is her medical opinion!
we did an extensive internet background check on him we discovered what might be an illegitimate child from 30 years ago.
I’m sure if you wanted to devote the energy to it (please don’t), you could find a long rap sheet of fuckwittery and hurt people. And it won’t matter to her, because he’s Different. And she’s Exceptional. And it will be different this time.
Until it isn’t. And she’s either going to break, or she’s going to endure in her shitty marriage.
People have a right to their shitty marriages. Many people — and I am as baffled as you are — prefer their shitty marriages to the taint of divorce.
I totally understand the desire to wake her up. Look, I created this blog exactly so I could yell from the sidelines: GET OUT OF YOUR SHITTY RELATIONSHIP! But I actually possess no power to make people do what I want them to. And neither do you.
Just try some boundaries yourself. Don’t untangle the skein. As long as those kids are not in imminent danger (drugs, sex predators, physical harm), don’t escalate this. Keep the door open as much as you can stand. Or shut, if you can’t stand it. (That’s completely valid.)
I hope some day soon she breaks. And when she does, we’re here for her. And I’m sure you will be too.