UBT: ‘I in no way want be looked at as a home wrecker’

Hi Chump Lady,

My ex was a serial cheater, cheated on me our entire 7 year relationship (7 years together married for 4; 2014-2021), even got another woman pregnant when I was pregnant with our youngest son. He has an affair baby who is 4 months younger than our youngest.

Finally, in January 2021 we separated when he asked for an open marriage; but we still lived together, I was playing the pick me dance for several months, we were still married and still having sex; I thought we were going to get through it again, like we had every time in the past. Then he met his current fiancé (OW), and he did a complete 180 with me.

He stopped coming home to help me with the kids in the mornings (while I was working from home full-time supporting us), he became cold and started disrespecting me more and more. Finally, I got the strength and courage to kick him out (June 13th 2021) and he called up the OW and she picked him up and he has been living with her and her young sons ever since.

Father’s Day was a week later… he asked to spend the day with the kids, so I of course said yes, then he showed up almost 4 hours late to take the kids, and when he finally got them and had driven away, he texted saying he was not bringing them home. He went and stayed at a hotel with the OW and her young sons, had all 5 kids sleep in one bed (my daughter being the only girl, she was 5 at the time) and he and the OW slept in the other.

He brought them home the next morning at 6:45AM and they were all tired and dirty and hungry. I fed them, and they went back to sleep and slept till noon. When she woke up, my daughter cried to me about how scared she was and how she just wanted to come home. It lit a fire in me that I never knew was there! I filed for divorce the next day; with full custody and supervised visitation for him only, out of fear he would pull the not bringing them home bullshit again.

He dodged the process servers 4 times, and was finally served. He didn’t even bother reading the divorce papers, did nothing the court required he do (parenting classes, etc.), couldn’t be bothered to do anything. The judge signed my default divorce decree January 4th 2022, so I got everything I asked for (full custody, supervised visitation every other weekend, child support) because he couldn’t even be bothered to read the papers and file anything contesting what I was asking for.

He is responsible for paying for the supervised visits, which he hasn’t done, he is also $6,000 in arrears from child support, as he hasn’t paid a dime for anything to help support our kids since the day I kicked him out. He only asks to see them on birthdays or holidays, and always shows up to my house on those occasions with gifts, so he is Disneyland dad!

Anyway, to the point of my email — the OW sent me a text yesterday, my ex gave her my number and she decided it was time to text me. I have copied and pasted that below! I was thinking maybe you could run it through your UBT if it isn’t too long! Luckily, I wasn’t triggered by it, I found it to be extremely hilarious (thank you therapy – haha)! Below is the text from the OW……

“Hey Amanda.
This is long and I apologize for that, but I hope you take the time to read this. Since it’s been over a year and we haven’t been properly introduced my name is Christine. This is long overdue and I’m more of a face to face person but I can understand how that may not be ok with you yet and I will respect that. I’ve been wanting to speak to you for awhile but wanted to make sure to give you and FW the proper distance and respect to figure you guys situation out. Since it’s been over a year I feel a talk is needed. I understand you may think we don’t have a reason to communicate but there are many things I feel should. As a woman, I can sympathize and have an understanding with you on how you feel and where your mind is. Since the beginning of my relationship with FW I’ve had nothing but respect and best wishes for you in your healing and in your future. I’ve always made sure we spoke positivity into your life and heart. I just want to come to you as a woman and say that I get it. I get the pain and the hurt you feel. I have never been married and had children with someone so I can’t come to you and say I understand that part and I hate to see a family torn that way. I’ve had that happen in my family and see how in the beginning things can be hard to navigate and hard to process those feelings. I do want to say from the outside looking in I want everyone in this situation to be happy and be able to elevate in their own lives and find the good. I’m not going to speak for FW because I want this conversation to be strictly my feelings and my words but I can say from him and I we want everything good that can come to you. We want you to find true love and happiness. We want to see you thrive. We want to see the children enjoy two happy homes. Two happy homes are better than one miserable one. I want to put it out there as well is that I hope you don’t have some sort of animosity or anger towards me. FW was very honest with me in the beginning of the relationship of you guys situation and where it was headed. I in no way want be looked at as a home wrecker or that I want to keep him from his responsibilities as a father. Since the beginning I’ve always encouraged him to keep an open dialogue with you and to be there for the children as much as you would allow. I just want to make sure that I’m treated with the same respect as you would wish for us to treat the man that comes into your life. As far as why I feel it’s important for us to communicate is because I’m in the life of your children’s father. And where you may not feel at the moment it’s not important to speak to me I feel it is. I remember in the beginning of his and my relationship you wrote him and told him that after he and I have been together for 8 months then you would allow me to be around the children. We are now over a year into the relationship and it’s very salient to me to have some sort of relationship with his children. I want to make it clear that I’m not here to try to act like their mother or step on your toes. I have two kids and I know what it’s like being on the other side in wanting the right type of women around my children. Mother to mother I totally get it and back you 100% when it comes to those children. Because I love him so much, I love those kids just as much. It hurts me to see him down and crying about his children and I hate feeling like I’m part of the issue as to why he can’t see them even though I’m really just an innocent bystander. The love he has for those children is so beautiful and wish more men in the world were more like him. I can see how seeing the positive qualities in someone is hard amongst a lot of chaos and confusion. I know healing takes time and I’m not here to push you to a decision, I just merely want to speak my peace and hopefully open up another path of dialogue for us. I want nothing more then to blend our families down the road and be able to get along and have all the children together for holidays and birthdays. I adore the kids and the couple of times I got to spend time with them was amazing. My children and your children get along very well and had fun the times they were together. We want the kids to feel love from all sides. And I also want to thank you for thinking of my children on a couple occasions by giving them Halloween candy and giving them food that they liked. I appreciate it whole heartedly. I do hope you are a woman of your word and allow my presence around the children and if that takes for us to talk and come to an understanding just know I am open to that.”

????????????

Amanda

****

Dear Amanda,

Wow. Christine needs to learn to use paragraph breaks. The Universal Bullshit Translator cannot chugalug that much ridiculousness.

Poor Christine loves a deeply misunderstood sad sausage, whose only crime is adoring his children so much. If only you weren’t such a mean buzzkill. You with your custody schedules and court ordered visitation decrees.

Hey, public service announcement to the Christines out there — you know what says “I love my children”? PAYING CHILD SUPPORT. It is, like literally, the LEAST they can do. People who do not pay for their children, do not love their children.

Ooh, that’s so harsh and capitalist of you, Tracy.

Children are not props in Christine and Fuckwits’ happy family fantasy. Children need tangible, costly shit like braces, school supplies, and medical expenses. They grow out of shoes every 6 months. There’s a lot of frozen pizza consumption.

The unmitigated gall of Schmoopie to lecture you on the bonds of motherhood when you are the show up parent who foots the goddamn bills!

My head wants to explode. Fortunately, I have a well-oiled bullshit machine here to deal with Christine’s pile of crazy.

“Hey Amanda.
This is long and I apologize for that,

I’m sorry, I’m typing so furiously I cannot hit the return key. Nor can I edit. But please accept my meaningless apology.

but I hope you take the time to read this. Since it’s been over a year and we haven’t been properly introduced my name is Christine.

I missed the part in the Emily Post Book of Etiquette where you’re supposed to exchange curtsies with the wife after your married boyfriend is thrown out.

This is long overdue and I’m more of a face-to-face person, but I can understand how that may not be ok with you yet and I will respect that.

The same way I respected your marriage.

I’ve been wanting to speak to you for awhile but wanted to make sure to give you and FW the proper distance and respect to figure you guys situation out. Since it’s been over a year I feel a talk is needed.

You guys situation isn’t figured out. I feel I should figure it out. #properdistance

I understand you may think we don’t have a reason to communicate but there are many things I feel should.

Let me demonstrate my respect by violating your boundaries.

As a woman, I can sympathize and have an understanding with you on how you feel and where your mind is.

Our shared uteri trumps our divergent values.

Since the beginning of my relationship with FW I’ve had nothing but respect and best wishes for you in your healing and in your future.

I won the pick me dance. Best wishes. Enjoy the luggage set.

I’ve always made sure we spoke positivity into your life and heart.

Either I’m casting positivity spells and imagining my voodoo has reached your heart, or I read this shit on a Pinterest board.

I just want to come to you as a woman and say that I get it. I get the pain and the hurt you feel. I have never been married and had children with someone so I can’t come to you and say I understand that part and I hate to see a family torn that way.

I can’t imagine what tore this family up. Was it FW’s wandering dick? A tornado? A pack of wild hyenas?

I’ve never been married, so I can’t understand.

I’ve had that happen in my family and see how in the beginning things can be hard to navigate and hard to process those feelings. I do want to say from the outside looking in I want everyone in this situation to be happy and be able to elevate in their own lives and find the good.

Can’t you be happy that your ex abandoned his children for me?

I’m not going to speak for FW because I want this conversation to be strictly my feelings and my words but I can say from him

I don’t understand how contradictions work.

and I we want everything good that can come to you.

Except $6,000 of child support. That good cannot come to you. #everythingNOTthat

We want you to find true love and happiness. We want to see you thrive.

Eat my dust, bitch.

We want to see the children enjoy two happy homes. Two happy homes are better than one miserable one.

Tis for the best. I cannot imagine a world in which you have a happy home and I’m utterly irrelevant. Surely you need my munificence.

I want to put it out there as well is that I hope you don’t have some sort of animosity or anger towards me. FW was very honest with me in the beginning of the relationship of you guys situation and where it was headed.

I trust the serial cheater. Why must the baby mamas hate?

I in no way want be looked at as a home wrecker

I in no way want weasel fritters with my porridge. Blasphemy! You home helpers!

Excuse me, the UBT has malfunctioned. I think the transponders are melting.

or that I want to keep him from his responsibilities as a father. Since the beginning I’ve always encouraged him to keep an open dialogue with you and to be there for the children as much as you would allow.

It’s not like I’m saying DON’T WRITE THAT CHECK, DONALD! Who am I to keep him from his responsibilities? I just drove the getaway car. I encourage him to dialogue! Except through money.

I just want to make sure that I’m treated with the same respect as you would wish for us to treat the man that comes into your life.

Some day some man may abandon his family for you, and when that happens I will treat him the respect he deserves… oh.. um…

As far as why I feel it’s important for us to communicate is because I’m in the life of your children’s father.

Which is more than I can say for his children.

And where you may not feel at the moment it’s not important to speak to me I feel it is.

My feelings trump yours. #respect

I remember in the beginning of his and my relationship you wrote him and told him that after he and I have been together for 8 months then you would allow me to be around the children. We are now over a year into the relationship and it’s very salient to me to have some sort of relationship with his children.

Change your custody decree. I have FEELINGS.

I want to make it clear that I’m not here to try to act like their mother or step on your toes. I have two kids and I know what it’s like being on the other side in wanting the right type of women around my children.

I am the Right Type of Woman. The sort that allows her married boyfriend to move in with her kids.

Mother to mother I totally get it and back you 100% when it comes to those children.

Except for honoring the custody order or paying child support.

Because I love him so much, I love those kids just as much. It hurts me to see him down and crying about his children and I hate feeling like I’m part of the issue as to why he can’t see them even though I’m really just an innocent bystander.

He’s just so sad about his children. And I am powerless to help him. Innocents, both of us.

The love he has for those children is so beautiful and wish more men in the world were more like him.

You know, deadbeats with baby mamas.

I can see how seeing the positive qualities in someone is hard amongst a lot of chaos and confusion.

Am I talking to you or myself?

I know healing takes time and I’m not here to push you to a decision, I just merely want to speak my peace and hopefully open up another path of dialogue for us. I want nothing more then to blend our families down the road and be able to get along and have all the children together for holidays and birthdays.

Won’t that be fun? You respecting me, us blowing birthday balloons together, playing Pin The Tail on the Fuckwit.

I adore the kids and the couple of times I got to spend time with them was amazing.

I love them, after just a couple visits! Let’s DO ALL THE HOLIDAYS TOGETHER! #blend!

My children and your children get along very well and had fun the times they were together. We want the kids to feel love from all sides.

Except in the form of child support. #thelovethatdarenotspeakitsname

And I also want to thank you for thinking of my children on a couple occasions by giving them Halloween candy and giving them food that they liked. I appreciate it whole heartedly. I do hope you are a woman of your word and allow my presence around the children and if that takes for us to talk and come to an understanding just know I am open to that.”

I do hope you’re a woman of your word. As the woman who used to fuck your ex when you were married, I am a person of integrity. Who appreciates Halloween candy wholeheartedly.

Thank you.