I was thinking this week of Sumner Stroh’s video (one of Adam Levine’s Schmoopies) playing the aggrieved party, the wounded innocent. And I think we could have a new award, a sort of bronze weenie — The Sad Sausage — given out for best DARVO performance.
Hey, this hurts them too. More really.
So, your Friday Challenge is to share the most egregious deny-attack-reverse-victim-offender word salad you’ve heard.
It can be your cheater, or some buffoon in the public sphere. Half-assed non-apology apologies abound. (Boris Johnson, I’m looking at you.)
Bonus points if you want to describe what this award ceremony looks like, or the statue itself. Categories of mindfuckery. Best new bullshit artist. Etc.
Think this one is classic: my x-FW said «this just happened to me, I’m not the kind of guy these things «happen to»…like screwing your secretary over many years and lying about everything just «happens»…
He sure was the victim in that scenario, SNARK
Not me but one of my best friends. The other woman (the one he left his wife and young children for) made a sad FB post saying, “I guess I’m just Good Luck Chuck ????” after he left her for another woman too. Of course she left off the home wrecker part of her story, and the fact she was cheating on him too.
Omg what’s wrong with shmoopies?
My h’s latest gf was feeling all miserable because he stopped contacting her.
She was cheated on and treated miserable by her x and was whining about that, but somehow- running around with my h and creating webs of lies was ok.
( probably because she was such a splendid individual and didn’t deserve mistreatment and I was a horrible bitchy wife ????)
Their “thinking” (or lack thereof) is mindboggling, it really is. A cheater who dumps his family for you, then dumps you. Imagine that? There really needs to be a class for these clueless “puttanas” (one for my fellow Italian chumps out there) entitled, “Your Vagina is not Magical, it’s like Everest: Cheaters mount it because it’s there.”
I should feel bad for him because he’s a narcissist. ????
Here are a few:
-the hookers were all awkward and he felt awful after every one
-He was catfished and she didn’t look anything like her pic (still able to do her though)
-I apparently cried when he mentioned divorce 13 years ago, so he was forced to stay married, so he had no choice but start using hookers
-one hooker left after a BJ and had the audacity to ask for money for an Uber
Poor poor FW.
BTAW: i was told by FW that ALL his hookers were ugly. SMH.
“Some of them were disgusting!” (Ex describing his conquests) yep … I got that too.
X actually shuddered when recalling one of his many one-night stands.
Wonder if that one gave me one of the numerous STDS?
I don’t understand how anyone can be intimate with strangers, let alone a stranger they find don’t find attractive in any way.
He thought she was shudder-worthy but also fuckable? How does that work?
She apparently was very unattractive to him, but also worth blowing up his family? Risking his health (obviously he didn’t care about mine) and job (she was a customer of his company and he was on the job when they had sex) for a quickie seems outrageous, let alone for a quickie with someone who he would be ashamed to be seen with.
I can’t, and will never understand, the thought process at work here.
This is a sentence as packed with meaning as Hemingway’s short story: Baby shoes for sale, never worn.
and about as up lifting.
Do they use the same playbook?
My h told me almost identical bs
Oh yes, my Sad Sausage felt absolutely TERRIBLE while cheating on me with dozens of strippers and other women. Just awful. Every. Single. Time. Over and over and over again. *eyeroll*
Oh an another one: after high risk HPV diagnosis (married 22 years, wasn’t from before him) he was sad that there was no test for him and the only way he’d know is when he got throat or penile cancer. Ugh
Ooh, penile cancer. Now that would be karma.
FW has a bent carrot. He’ll have to stay with OW since I stopped pick me dancing.
That freaking commercial about ‘bent carrots’ is hysterical!! I didn’t know it was a ‘thing’. My ex’s did curve, but I didn’t know it was that unusual. That commercial though, cracks me up every time!
I was really getting in the way of FW and OW’s perfect plans (it finally sunk in that there was no way I’d let them take my one-year-old out of the country be the ring bearer at their beach wedding), and, defeated, FW exclaimed, “You’re just being a sore loser!”
He flattered himself!
His whole thing with the OW was based on flattering him. That was not the dynamic in our marriage. OW (true sociopath) knew precisely what his ego craved. For the record, the beach wedding didn’t happen. Their true love imploded when I made it clear I would no longer be serving as the villain in their fantasy.
It’s no fun to playing Princess in the Tower without the “ogre.” Twu wuv isn’t sparkly without human sacrifice.
Yes! And human sacrifice is sadly such an accurate term. I don’t know if we talk enough here about the direct lines we can trace from FWs’ abandonment to the very real, long-term trauma and mental health damage for us Chumps but perhaps more tragically for the kids. It’s been 7+ years and I can see how the trauma still affects my kids in very real ways. Every single day.
Truer words were never posted!
I’m convinced cheating is related to battering. It’s probably because I was a victims’ advocate and have that “hammer” so every form of intimate abuse looks like a DV nail. But the more you look into the association, the more it fits. From where I stand, the psychology of perpetrators, the tactics, the effects on victims all look virtually identical. Plus virtually all batterers cheat so it’s arguable that cheating is on a continuum with battering and could eventually lead to the latter in overt forms. That potentiality is something that can be intuited by victims and can induce terror and paralysis but, without proof in the form of bruises and broken bones, betrayal victims aren’t having this widely acknowledged and aren’t getting tailored support. Cheating certainly involves “coercive control” which is being increasingly categorize as a form of intimate partner violence. One little known concept is that most batterers operate on a beat-by-need basis, reserving the worst abuse for victims who have the resources to resist. This also suggests that the most effective psychological abusers never have to take their hands out of their pockets to completely destroy their victims.
The thing that concerns me is that it seems battering victims who get the most cutting edge support (which is a radical departure from the old victim-blamey therapeutic approach which presumed all victims were “psychologically deficient” and “drew” abuse to themselves on Voodoo tractor beams) often seem to recover from trauma more thoroughly than some victims of “mere” betrayal. I gather this is because traditionally trained victim-blamey therapists just hunted around for a new market to peddle their crappy, defunct, injurious wares and glommed onto “betrayal trauma” as an economic niche. That’s why I think it’s probably more beneficial for chumps to pursue resources related to domestic violence, batterer psychology, and PTSD recovery as it relates to DV, etc., instead– at least until the therapeutic arena catches up to the overlaps between battering and cheating. And believe me, DV survivors won’t mind or feel like their “victim turf” is being usurped. As DV researcher and author Evan Stark argues in his book “Coercive Control,” most domestic violence survivors report that it’s the psychological torture, manipulation and control that are the most devastating and paralyzing.
There are a lot of healing “aha” moments of recognition in reading books like DV researcher Donald Dutton’s “The Batterer,” the chapter on DV in founding psychotraumatologist Frank Ochberg’s “Post-traumatic Therapy and the Victims of Violence,” and the book “Coercive Control” by Stark. I haven’t had anything close to those kinds of explosive “aha” moments reading anything clinical or self-help-oriented related to cheating outside of CL and CN. Part of the mission of CL and CN has obviously been to expand the understanding of what cheating really involves so that there are eventually more tailored resources. But for now borrowing from DV literature and resources can’t hurt.
p.s. All this is to say that cheaters’ abiding need to victimize is a definite overlap with batterers. Another overlap is serial killers. Call it a spectrum.
True. Not all my cheaters battered. But my batterer cheated.
In the course of five years, I never met a DV survivor who hadn’t been cheated on. Thank God you got away.
I think this is very true and tracks to the experience that many of us have had regarding cheating as abuse. The irony in my life is that the OW is a DV advocate and relatively high up in my state’s DV prevention organization. Talk about cognitive dissonance.
It wouldn’t really be cognitive dissonance if this OW worked in an institutional system that specializes in some form of victim-blaming which, unfortunately, is true of many state-run apparatuses. You could say that the system she works might have already bridged the dissonance for her so that she doesn’t have to experience any psychological discomfort for being a flaming hypocrite.
And to quote famous FW Jean Paul Sartre, “Everything is permitted the hero.” He was saying it of himself. In my experience, helping professions and advocacy attract only the best and the worst and little in between. Given typical abuser psychology of playing “rescuer” for the sake of image management, it’s not surprising that perpetrators of every stripe hide out in helping professions, some of which harbor the highest rates of batterers (psychologist, psychiatrist, policing, etc.). Because abusive people are the most aggressive operators in any system, they tend to spread toxicity until whatever system they’re tainting resembles themselves. That was my experience.
I worked for a grossly underfunded independent advocacy organization because the institutional system at the time stubbornly adhered to various victim-blaming approaches or what you might call “split blame” approaches to DV. Many people have tried to change this. Read veteran advocate Evan Stark’s “Coercive Control” or his book written with his wife Anne Flitcraft, “Women at Risk” for the long and shocking history of the “official view/approach” to victims. Traditionally it was assumed something had to be wrong with both parties in a dysfunctional relationship. At least that’s what the (often creepy) politicians and corporate sponsors controlling budget preferred to believe and the effect was a trickle down in terms of who would be appointed to important roles in the system and what those appointees would expound. If that system is like anything else in politics, I’m sure there’s a lot of literal or figurative lap dancing for advancement. Maybe even more than in other spheres because nothing draws hypocritical abusers more than issues related to “saving” victims from sexual abuse of power. Think of Ted Bundy aiding a university panel that was studying serial killers before he fell under suspicion.
Never mind that the split blame approach to DV has long been debunked, it lives on according to internal critics. For instance, take “misapplication of contingency”: First responders and helping professionals encounter victims in their worst states– confused, exhausted, frantic or numb. So it’s easy to assume that the state of the victims post-abuse explained how they ended up becoming victims in the first place regardless of who victims had been before abuse. Also it’s not like abusers are approaching services seeking help for being abusers so by default it was always victims falling under the microscope and being scrutinized. Who is most scrutinized in a dynamic implies– also by default– who is being viewed as “responsible.” It’s also expedient to blame victims “a bit” because it appears on the face of it that it’s the victims who are costing public resources. A bit of blame justifies underfunding. A bit of blame justifies siphoning off slated money for private gain. A bit of blame also keeps the public from caring that much and lobbying for an improved system which they would do if they understood all the ways in which DV damages society.
In any case, a lot of what the independent service I worked with did was detoxing survivors from their encounters with the official system. The most direct way to do that was to share with survivors the most cutting edge writing and theory on DV and let them decide for themselves. It was a process of “radicalization” in a way because part of healing was inviting survivors to become critical of the status quo and institutional policy and to become experts on their own experiences. The alternative service cranked out a lot of newly minted activists as a result. I saw one survivor I interfaced with on Nancy Grace kicking ass several years after she’d approached the service as a teen.
Institutional systems don’t seek to “radicalize” for obvious reasons. Some of the early shelters in the 70s did this and that trend was “discouraged” and shut down over time as shelters received public funding. At intake for state-run services, survivors would typically be asked why they felt they “deserved to be abused.” Forget about survivors arguing that this wasn’t the case in their situations– if you wanted help you had to hang your head and take your medicine. Heads of shelters, while hardworking and clearly traumatized themselves from being on the front lines were probably the least toxic individuals in the state-supported apparatus but mostly seemed to expound on the “psychological deficiency” approach to victims because that was the view at the top at the time and they didn’t want to lose their jobs. They could be quite cynical about why victims “went back,” never considering that improper triage might have a lot to do with it. Institutional systems are resistant to change and resist blaming themselves for failure so the failure to extract victims from abusive situations was automatically doubled back on victims. I think there’s also a name for blaming patients for therapeutic failure but I can’t remember it.
Back when I was involved, I think a lot of us wanted to believe in the myth of human progress and hoped that the new science and statistics and theories that were proving effective on the ground would naturally change the official approach. But I’m not sure how much progress there’s been since then other than fits, starts and backsliding. Evan Stark is still out there fighting to get coercive control statutes added to domestic violence protections. He and other advocates have had a degree of success but his decades of lobbying for better laws and policies are kind of a catalogue of frustration.
Depending on how toxic the network she works in may be, that OW might fit like a pea in a pod. That field abounds with “Mrs. Jellybys” (from Dickens’ Bleak House). I know Dickens was a FW himself but Mrs. Jellyby is still a classic archetype for those who enjoy patronizing “obscure little faraway victims” and taking power over people in dire circumstances for self gratification while ignoring the misery happening in front of them and the misery they cause in their personal lives. All in the spirit of “helping” (retch).
HOAC, thank you so much! Your insight is amazing. In my neck of the woods victim blamey therapists are rampant. Sadly, advocacy agencies and groups are looking at them for direction.
Looks like there’s a big gap to be filled in your area. Have you thought about joining forces with others and starting some kind of support network? These things can start small, humble and grass roots. Even starting a kind of discussion group or book club online which filters out the shitty cultural views and crappy clinical theories and offers links, titles and excerpts for the best and most advanced thinking on abuse can catch fire. You’d be amazed how fast something like this can snowball into a local movement. Offering summaries of authoritative alternatives to victim blaming is like offering tourniquets to people who just lost their arms in wood chippers.
And the people you meet doing this kind of thing is inspiring. It’s extraordinary how survivors may show up fresh from trauma appearing wild-eyed and wild haired and clinging to the walls and then, if offered truth in whatever form in a context where it’s safe to think for themselves, the same people who could barely utter a cohesive sentence at the start can quickly turn into eloquent advocates who will, say, make clinical explanations of the neurofeedback system involved with trauma comprehensible to newcomers.
Not everyone has the time or resources to be Harriet Tubman but it’s enriching and a tremendous learning experience to be involved with positive solutions on any level, especially when there are few resources to choose from and people are literally starving for it.
Articulate and insightful, notably from “First responders” on. And this doesn’t even touch on the actual abusers and their direct effect on their children, spouses, families and the interconnected web of relationships and thought processes or daily routines or their partners’ potential which never has a chance to materialize.
Mine also immediately started to date a DV advocate and hotline manager locally when I obtained a restraining order.
I would caution women in these roles to be aware of their value to these monsters. They’re likely to be weaponized against victims by the men who seek them out and claim romantic motives.
I work in DV advocacy as well and I agree with this. The same behaviors that CN describes as classic FW shit – narcissim, DARVO, sad sausage/timid forest creature, ego kibbles, trickle truth are critical parts of the DV playbook as well. Oh, he hit her but she made him do it, poor sad sausage, he just has trauma from his FOO, well actually he beat her several times but TECHNICALLY only one time was his fault, etc. Batterers and FWs need kibbles, and will turn the rage, self pity and charm high if they don’t get their way. Batterers go an extra step with the rage and start being violent.
And you’re spot on about chumps needing DV support. The whole RIC is victim blamey as hell. Chumps are abuse victims who have in many cases been as insiduously abused as DV victims.
I completely agree. Have you had any exposure to Don Hennessy’s books or talks? He’s a DV advocate in Ireland and until I found his work, none of this – not the DV and not the cheating- made sense to me. Centrality works, sure, but there’s so much other cruelty and twisting of the knife that isn’t needed for centrality (or that even works against it). Reading his “How He Gets Into Her Head” was the most eye-opening experience of my life. There it was – the explanation for all of it.
I can’t recommend his books enough if you’re a reader. Life changing.
And you’re entirely right. Mine was largely a cheater and coercive controller, but he did resort to battering badly in the last 3 months (up to and including roofies followed by unwanted acts … I think; not entirely conscious for all of it). I was his wife and our children were one room away. But it wasn’t hitting, so the only use for my story would have been to establish “alienation” to show I couldn’t coparent. I choked it down and tap danced to the family court tune of “He may hit me but he’s a good dad!” as hard as I could to keep my kids.
And I send alll the DV and cheating survivors I send to the same resources (including chump lady). It’s not that different, once you get past the fear of being unalived for leaving. Our wounds are all shockingly similar.
Healing from Infidelity podcasts shed so much light on the trauma aspects and affirmed me better than any of the 3 therapists I employed!!
You’re right. We all should/must talk more about the real, actual EFFECTS on HUMAN LIVES, the cascade of thoughts, feelings, views of ourselves and other people in the world, relationships, roles of partners, perceived responsibilities and ways to handle conflict, effects on families, the covering up and awkward silences, sleepless nights, why mom or dad seems sullen, confused, mad, shaken up, discombobulated, unable to focus, completely erratic, grilling their mate/partner/spouse for “seemingly no reason at all” (especially when the partner speaks that aloud and gaslights everyone!). These are the absolute effects and reality that influence entire generations and … well, here we are now.
Hell… luv this & so true! They need a bad guy to keep the focus off themselves!
OMG, same. OW flattered and adored him (easy to do when he hadn’t abused her for a decade the way he had me). I stepped out of that messy triangle (I admit, it took a few years for me to go NC) and they blew up spectacularly.
He wanted to take your one-year old out of the country???!!!! So she could serve as a prop in his beach wedding???!!! Delusional in many ways, obviously.
The whole thing was so ill-conceived and based around some imaginary parental figure/evil villain in the shape of me that it was farcical really (in retrospect!) But of course he had me thinking it was my mess.
Fking kill him. Right now. Run him over repeatedly. Then we’ll see who the sore loser is. Air? Or him? Ah, HE’s the loser who can’t get air.
And the winner for the spookiest between the sheets scene goes to 50yr old JTL & 23yr old Suicidal Nanny Smoochie????????????????
Apparently, smoochie came downstairs in the middle of the night and insisted on sleeping in my bed because she was terrified to sleep upstairs after she saw a dark figure is code for “I only fucked her and left her hickies on the pool table….then I took her to the bedroom.”
Jesus, I’m so glad I’m out of that disaster! They are married now????
NOTE: Suicidal Nanny got her nick name for threatening to kill herself to keep him engaged after he tried to break it off. She even went as far as to cut herself and make other threats like killing me, harming his twins, killing him, etc. And, latest I heard she is now going to mortician school and got a job at a funeral home. She is very into death and all things dark/sinister????????. Glad she won the sparkly turd????.
Southern: He deserves HER big time!! Hahaha
Wait, what? She was afraid of a “dark figure” but is working at a funeral home and studying to be a mortician? How does that work?
Right!?!? I was thinking the same thing SerenityNow. One minute she would act like a child (I’m scared of the boogie man????) to gain his attention while the next minute she would throw glass all around the house and then cut herself when he would “come to his senses” and would try to break it off with her. He would see her crazy, try to leave, and she would act even more crazy…..the last time I talked to him he called her his family and he felt like it was duty to “save her” with God????. I insert eye roll because he was a massive narcissistic “God Fearing” Jesus cheater.
SC, I smell borderline personality disorder, and the nose knows.
You might mention to him, in a joking sort of way, that she’s practicing embalming him when he kicks the bucket.
That is hilarious! I’m strict no contact so he can figure that out on his own. I wouldn’t be surprised if he “mysteriously” dies. She is that messed up!
Believe it or not that is a question that we all have about a friend of ours. They were three sisters that we know are sociopaths. Once this man became widowed one of the women went after him because he had money. He was in perfectly good health. Mysteriously he died and was cremated before any member of his family was notified. And she got all of his money
He’s definitely to the one eye open stage. ???? ????. Splendid!
Any OWife/forever girlfriend who goes hard for her man about getting more custody to avoid child support gets so deep in the DARVO where it’s abundantly clear the Chump Mom has been triangulated to appear “cRAZY!” even though the cheater left her and the kids. (Aka the “Bitch Be Crazy Red Flag” CL has posted about here.) Look at their ACTIONS.
“My man’s high conflict babymama is the problem.???? He’d never do me like that because past behavior is never a predictor of what’s to come????” ????????????
“You won’t fold my underwear properly and you said you NEVER would!!!” so he bought a plane ticket to Miami, got on a cruise and spent a sex filled week with his old girlfriend for our 20th wedding anniversary. Poor guy.
(((ChumpedToThe Max)))Your cheater has made the “finals” list.
I am certain CN will agree.
Wow. Nice. No matter the actual shade of his skin, I think this guy deserves the name Tighty Whitey. What a disaster he is. Really feel bad for him.
to be fair (hah) once they start “mansculpting” down there misplaced creases are probably debilitating. ????
Good riddance! What an asshole!
When I found all the Victoria’s Secret stuff he order for Schmoopie (aka She’s Just a Friend), he looked down and said “Friends do this kind of thing for each other”.
Sorry FW, I did not know that friends give each other underwear. I have quote a few friends both male and female and never gave or got sexy underwear from them. WTF?????
Right? The only non spouse I gift anything remotely resembling intmate wear is my sister, and that consists of flannel pjs with wine themes. (She’s a wine lover).
Mine bought stuff at Victoria’s Secret too for his whore! I found the purchases on a credit card statement, which he had statements emailed to his email account, so I never saw a paper copy of anything. He forgot that he gave me the password a year prior, in an emergency situation. When I discovered mysterious phone calls and texts on the phone statement, (which he also thought I didn’t have access to), I checked that same credit card. On there was a hotel charge and Victoria’s Secret and Bath and Body Works. For a Victoria’s Secret, the credit card charge description said, “Women’s Clothing.” That was enough for me and I knew he hadn’t given me anything from VS. When I asked him about the charges, he claimed the purchase was perfume, for her, but that he never bought clothing. All for a friend who lived out of state that he kept going to visit
They all lie and gaslight. The gaslighting nearly killed me, it is the worst part.
It helps my sanity to read other stories and know others got told the same things and that I wasn’t crazy.
Dude one of the things that tipped me off to my ex cheating were finding that he had a fresh pack of underwear. He never buys underwear. I always had to buy it for him when it was needed and I had bought it for him already recently so there was no reason for him to have more. When I confronted him he just said he thought to get some during a Walmart run. Which … He never went to Walmart by himself either.
So so many little things like that kept adding up. Then when he was finally in the thick of it, his mindfuck channel was 99% tuned in to Sad Sausage, Woe is Me, I’m Sorry, sad puppy eyes so he could appeal to my empathy and weasel out of consequences.
The other 1% were the occasional glimpse of his true thoughts and feelings, such as, “why did you kick me out of the friend group chat?! I thought we would handle it privately and you’d let me lurk!” and how his trickle truth escalated from his insistence from, “I only touched her a little bit, we didn’t ACTUALLY fuck” to her giving me all the graphic, grisly details of all the ways he enjoyed touching very, very much of her.
I am struggling to think of examples of him strongly and openly DARVO’ing me, probably because he knew I would see through it and wouldn’t allow him to speak to me that way. Partially because he knows he fucked up and it’s bullshit. But I know, in that little head of his, he was doing all the necessary mental gymnastics necessary to justify his behavior, convince himself he was right, that I was somehow a bad wife who deserved all the psychological torture he put me through. If he believed otherwise, he never would have hurt me in the first place.
Whatever helps him sleep at night.
From his “goodbye” letter to me, drafted while I slept after a day of skiing together with our kids and the night before he manipulated me into sending the kids off for the day so I’d be alone by telling me he’d crunched the numbers and we were ready to buy our dream home so we needed to sit down together to work out our plan. He is very very very sad. And will now be very very happy. As will I. And our children. Because he is happy. I think this is perhaps less DARVO than just an abdication of his VERY ACTIVE role in destroying our marriage.
“I have basically been very sad and very unhappy over the past two or three years. And this sadness and unhappiness then grew because of the realization that I will not grow old with you. That our family unit will not remain intact. That I would break my promise to be with you until death do us part. That you will not be able to count on me in the same way that you once could.
I did not consciously go looking for new love after I fell out of love with you. (This will surely provide very little or no consolidation to you given the circumstances, but I wish to tell you that I never cheated on you or tried to cheat on you before AP. You are married to a cheater, I’m afraid, but not some sort of serial cheater the stories about whom will come out of the woodwork in the weeks to come. Pre-2015 FW never cheated on you or on any other woman. Though this is clearly but a historical footnote now.) But I suppose that my mind and heart were unconsciously open to new love and affection. And then it happened. My first reaction – and hers – was to recoil. “How could I even explore this?”, was certainly my first thought. But as I thought about it more, and thought about my unhappiness and my sadness, it became, in my mind, the only option. My only option for current and future happiness was this. I fell in love. I wanted and want to be happy. I wanted my relationship unhappiness to end. I contemplated me being on my deathbed reflecting back on me having passed up this love, and the thought utterly crushed me.
I believe that we splitting up will, in the long run, make both of us much happier. I’m aware of how convenient for me such a statement is. But as much as I am trying to find my own happiness, I know that you deserve to be happy at least as much as I do. You deserve to be with someone who is madly in love with you, or at least to not be stuck with someone who is not. I want you to be happy.
You may ask how I can do this to our sons. I know that in our parents’ day (or certainly our grandparents’ day), most people in my position would simply suck it up and forge ahead in an unhappy marriage. For better or for worse meant exactly that. But, ignoring my own happiness or lack thereof, would that really assure your happiness? And the boys’ happiness? As my growing sadness causes our relationship to disintegrate further in front of your eyes and theirs together with all of the consequences of that?”
Do we have the same ex? Talk about sad sausage, poor me minimising and excuse making. Honestly even the words are so similar to what I heard it’s uncanny.
Blimey is right. I only wish FW were as concise as you, MightyWarrior. Unfortunately, he’s still the same blowhard he was back then.
“ I want you to be happy”
He put YOU and your precious children first. ????
He must have had to drink a lot of kool aid to get all this garbage out.
( you can’t make this sh~t up).
So sorry for all you have had to endure.
YOU are Mighty❤️
This needs UBT treatment! Gah!
OMG, just, OMG.
Did you think you were being punked? Dumbest BS ever!
Oh boy. What self serving crap. CL should UBT that, but maybe there isn’t enough lebkuchen in the world! Your ex’s letter made me want to puke. I hope his dick falls off and his whore gets leprosy. ????????
You’re probably right – it’s three single-spaced pages long!
Funny how their “only option” is always to hide what they’re doing forever or wait to fess up until it’s convenient for their happiness. There’s just no other approach anyone could ever come up with!
So sorry you went through that.
Lemme guess…five minutes before he met Schmoops, he’d declared his undying love for you and talked about being the luckiest man alive, right?
Just in case you didn’t find out the real story, here’s how it works: If they go out of their way to depict the AP as somehow highly moral and reluctant to cheat, it means she went commando to the office Christmas party, sent him crotch pix and humps coworkers in parking lots. The whole letter is basically like when toxic corporations build playgrounds over their own dumpsites. Ignore the smell! Ignore the cancer cluster! Look at the merry-go-round and wilting magnolias!
Hell of a Chump – you’re clairvoyant! Not long before he shagged AP for the first time (in the Presidential Suite at a high end hotel in our city – and did I mention she was his intern and engaged to her high school sweetheart at the time?), I threw him a blow-out 40th birthday party. He gave a speech at his party thanking me for being the love of his life, his rock and his inspiration. He was clearly terribly terribly unhappy in our marriage. Poor guy.
CB posted a picture of me on Twitter that said “the only queen I’ll ever bend a knee to”. He left a month later. Performative BS.
My ex posted a lovely picture of me on Facebook at Christmas saying, “I’m a lucky guy!” Not even two months later he left for his 21 years younger coworker. Performative BS indeed!
It’s not clairvoyance lol. It’s that they’re really all the same. That’s true of every stripe of abuser– all pretty same, gray and unoriginal when you boil it down to brass tacks (background, psychology, tactics, drives, patterns, etc.). Meanwhile survivors statistically come from all walks.
Klootzak was a military officer. Two months after giving a speech at his promotion ceremony about how lucky he was to have me, I made him the success he is, etc. I had to fly to another state for a conference. He flew a schmoopie in from out of state to spend the week with him vacationing while I was working.
He rarely tried to justify his behavior to me because he knew I’d call bullshit.
Oh my, my x and yours read the same script. I heard almost word for word exactly that. “You deserve to be as happy, excited, and wanted as I am (of his relationship with a hooker)”.
Holy batshit crazy! This one is delusional. I need a shower after reading that.
A shower in bleach. GROSS.
ohhhh – his “sad letter” is causing me to create a UBT (universal bullshit translator) in my head.
I am so sorry that you were married to this despicable coward.
Wait, so he DID cheat on you before the twu luv? Are those the stories that came out of the woodwork?
Who knows? I have no evidence he did. He was saying in the letter that he never cheated before AP but is admitting that he is now (hanging head in faux-shame) a cheater. He became a cheater for twu luv — and to set me free from the shackles of our unhappy marriage apparently. He refers to 2015 because that’s when his affair started. He blew up our marriage in January 2016 with this letter, so it’s been a while. I could not have posted his smarmy, delusional word salad back then. I was too ashamed. (Sorry if the timing was confusing.)
I have never heard or seen evidence that he cheated before the intern-AP. However, I do know of at least three instances in which he’s used his power/position to threaten the careers of women just for fun – a colleague of his, our son’s lawyer (long story) and a mutual acquaintance he helped find a job then undermined.
It sounds like he was batting out at a high rate before finally finding anyone willing to do him. I don’t know why it’s not better understood that cheaters are mostly losers (and sore ones if you look at harassment stats). Because cheaters are never honest, we can only guess how often they set their sights on a target, delusionally set the stage for an imagined affair, send out feelers and signals only to be rebuffed. It would probably improve our faith in humanity to know how many “nos” these idiots get before finally getting a drunken “yes” from some fellow loser.
Wow–the same playbook. Mine had such terrible sadness about blowing our family apart and only the OW could console. “I was crying with her, you know. A lot. It wasn’t the way you imagine it”.
Tears as foreplay? On a site that shares “red flags” for dangerous partners, up near the top were people who are turned on by crying.
Christ what a complete arsehole.
He said, “Do you think it made me happy? No, I stopped seeing colors!” He was crying while he said that.
LOL! What does that even mean? What a loser.
MaisyL – exactly! Such a puzzling yet self serving declaration!
I see the plot for a Hallmark Channel movie. They are all the same, these over-sensitive timid forest creatures as ChumpLady would say. Why are they all so similar?
Let’s hope someday they can find the gene sequence for fuckwitism & spare future generations of chumps.
He was certainly blind to more than colours!????
Struck with color blindness. He’ll never match his socks again. Sob.
That’s because, sad sausage, when you cheat, you become a dog. (With apologies to real dogs.)
Dogs deserve to see in color.
Lollie, I think your cheater deserves the Bronze weenie. After all, he stopped seeing colors!
All the sad sausage I got was that I didn’t appreciate the hard work he put into raising our sons while I was working in another state (said sons were in their 20s when this happened)
From the fuckwit “after” we had finalized and sign divorce. I got the house, he had six years to get stuff he wanted.
I heard from my attorney that we are ready to finalize the divorce decree. I’m sure we could argue back and forth about the exact value to use for assets and liabilities being divided, but there’s no point. I recognize that doing so would be emotionally and financially damaging to both of us. There’s been far too much of that, and I’m not willing for either of us to pay the cost any longer. I’m glad it works out that you can keep the house, and I think that’s the best thing for our children and grandchildren as well.
In one of my recent conversations with my attorney, I discussed personal or household items that I would still like to divide. Rather than creating any delay in signing the divorce agreement or getting attorneys involved, I hope that we can work it out between us pretty easily. If you agree, I can give you a list of things that have crossed my mind and we can go from there.
I did not reply.
“Won’t you pay attention to me? Btw please don’t tell your lawyer.” What a prize.
Ex was dumb enough while our attorneys were negotiating Marriage Settlement Agreement to list things he wanted and added to list “and anything else that’s husband’s……”
I said definitely not comfortable with that, my attorney took it out. Ex was too much of a coward to come get his stuff, so I got rid of a lot of his junk when the moving truck finally showed up.They were in a 1 bedroom, I’m sure it went straight to dumpster especially anything that reminded the 30 year old that he at 63 had had a life.
THAT explains why my ex took nothing of his with him. The 29 year old would not want to see his life of stuff! I never thought about that until you mentioned it Sandyfeet! Wow! It make such sense. My ex bought everything new! Took nothing of our life together. Now I get it…
1. I used to go out and drive and sit in the car park and cry as I was so unhappy and couldn’t believe what out relationship had become (previously never mentioned.
2. You should be lucky it’s ending this way (this was pre me knowing there was an affair), you don’t know what I would. have done if it hadn’t but I have been like a caged animal waiting to lash out but it would have been pretty and it would not have ended nicely like this (er, is this ending things nicely?)
3. My friends have been really worried about me. Me: What friends? Ex: I don’t have any. Me: Oh is that my fault too?
4. If you knew me you’d know would know that this is the kind of thing I would do (upon the elevation that he’d been in ‘proper’ therapy as opposed to counselling where you look deep inside yourself and unlock your big head it seems). Never mentioned it ever even though apparently I need therapy. Who recommended the therapist? A ‘friend’? Oh I need therapy because ‘It’s time you took a good hard look at yourself’.
5. I need someone that nourishes my soul.
6. In response to asking if he discussed our relationship with who turned out to be the AP? Why don’t you let me have any friends? (spoiler alert, he doesn’t have many friends)/ Why are you always like this? She is my work colleague and she has a boyfriend actually (all lies)
7. When confronting him after he’d been away and I’d been through his office and found a few gems by reading him a shite poem he’d written to her and asking him who he took to v. expensive restaurant in London after telling me it was with a client…….. Tears and more tears, more denial, I am horrible. However, about 10 minutes after this spectacular sad sausage show both their social media platforms went private (how strange) and he posted a weird meme thing on Pinterest of all things saying ‘I used to love you but now I am just sad and don’t know you’ or something so pathetic. When I said to him what on earth are you doing, am I supposed to read this and acknowledge it or do you want to say something to me, can you just grow the off up. He took it down and denied it every happened.
I could go on and on and on but that’s enough. Bear in mind this was within days/weeks of burying my dad. May that fucker burn in hell.
The whole “you should feel lucky it’s ending this way” is a threat. It means he thought about killing you instead. Please protect yourself. Don’t ever be alone with him or let him into your home.
Perhaps not the outright winner, but I’d suggest a “highly commended” for Ex-Mrs LFTT and her statement to our 3 children ….. “It’s not fair that you won’t have anything to do with AP. Your rejection of him is putting my relationship with him under pressure, and if we break up it will be your fault.”
The kids’ response (they would have been about 19, 17 and 12 at that point) was pitch perfect …. “Mum, your relationship with AP is your problem, not ours.”
In terms of prizes, for her, the worlds smallest violin and for the kids, a shiny set of boundaries.
Why WHY do these FWs insist the kids have a relationship with the APs???!!! My FW is with his AP who is a 25 year friend of mine, who ate Sunday family dinner with us for years. Over the years she SHOWERED my kids with gifts. When I found out and brought up this sick gift giving FW said she bought those presents bc she loves them. Uh huh. Great insight ya got there FW…. Now every Xmas and her Bday he gets anxious and insists the kids have a present for AP bc it will hurt her feelings in they don’t. Needless to say my kids who call her the step c@$t, have a contest if who can buy the stupidest item or make the crappiest craft. They show me with glee.
I suspect that the FWs insist on the kids having a relationship with the AP as a means of “normalising” what they’ve done, and – of course – it all plays into their BS claim that what they did wasn’t all that bad.
PS – I like your kids’ coping strategy!
This is definitely a common theme. Tracey, you might want to do a post on this —“forcing the kids to love/care for/respect the homewrecker. And rage when they refuse.” Of course, the cheater apologists always blame the chump, crying “alienation!” …. No, fuckers, they hate AP all on their own for what AP did/does… no stories I could tell would come close to causing the hurt and revulsion that kids feel towards APs because of AP’s behavior. ????♀️????
Sickening manipulation and image management.
I literally sprayed coffee at the term stepc**t ???????? your kids are awesome! Team BigCityChump!
I almost spit my coffee. I would have loved to be there.
My XW’s AP’s want nothing to do with her. Just used her for her pussy.
Sir…Ah he got a two-fer! Sucks for her to be used! Not.
Wow, blaming the kids for the problems in her affair is next level FW behavior. She wins the prize. Can she be a sad sausage though if she doesn’t have a sausage? How about tearful taco?
Tearful taco!!! bwahahahaha Soggy taco? hahaha
Immediately after I discovered the affair: ‘I know you think I’m a complete bastard, but I do care’. I did not think he was a ‘complete bastard’ because that implies the existence of a personality or something more colourful than this tedious, pompous, dull, pipsqueak of a man had in his toolbox! I had decided at the point at which I read his ‘yearnings’ to his soulmate written 4 days before my Dad’s funeral that he was a shameless, cowardly, pathetic little creep and that she deserved him. But why educate your enemies? I merely told him that I didn’t think he was a complete bastard, leaving him to infer what he wished. He was unfit to scrape the soil off the bottom of my shoes let alone share my bed. I’m so glad he’s gone.
Ah yes I got given a hug that was ‘Gratitude for all the things I had done for this family’ and told ‘Love never dies’. I think mind did mate, pretty stone dead cold. My friends always say the fact that he could stand next to me in that church when I was burying my dad and be there knowing exactly what he was about to do. It says it makes them shudder. Then he probably thinks he’s a ‘good guy’ for waiting until he died. I’m with you MightyWarrior.
“‘Gratitude for all the things I had done for this family…’”
Don’t you love the way their words drip with condescension, as if they are the ones entitled to pronounce on your behavior? A man who blows up his family has not earned the right to give you praise (or blame).
Mine like many found his twu luv while my dad was dying of pancreatic cancer. Exfw iniitially lied, gaslighting etc making me think I was imagining things. He then promised my dying dad that he would always take care of me. My dad said while exfw may not be perfect ( functional alcoholic) at least he really loved me.
Discard came 5w after my dad died – still denying affair. They are now married.
Ugh! I feel for you Ishtar.
Dudders, I have often thought how did he watch my Dad’s coffin going into that grave knowing what he had done and was about to do to me.
All I think is that on some level they must have realised how shit it was of them, but he had convinced himself we were ‘wrong’ together. That said deep down I know he will be more than aware of what he did, the little sensitive soul and one of the reasons they hate us so much is that they know that we know. We are a mirror to their true behaviour.
In therapy when I mentioned that he had cheated before and I was worried he was doing it again (warning ladies, they don’t stop) my ex swore he wasn’t cheating and then stood up, threw his arms up in the sky and said “I can’t help it if I’m a fucking chick magnet, I don’t try to cheat, they come after me, I should join the Me Too movement.” Yep! For real. The therapist was gob-smacked!
Who’s the real victim? My poor ex. So many more DARVO moments.
I think the MeToo movement might roast him over a spit.
My XW used as one of the excuses for cheating on me, “you had women who wanted you and I wanted that also. I wanted men to desire me.” Not that I consider myself super good looking but I had women who would flat out ask me to have affairs with them but I NEVER cheated on her. You can resist that if your morals are strong ????.
It sort of dawned on me after D-Day that affairs and the vanity of cheaters might have a lot to do with same-sex competition. One realization that brought me closer to “meh” was understanding how jealous and hostile FW had always been towards other men whom he perceived as younger, better looking, stronger, etc. I’d previously taken his mockery of narcissistic behavior in other men as a sign he wasn’t like that, not realizing he was just displacing or externalizing his own flaws onto others. It was also distracting that he’d hang out with younger, better-looking men as if those traits would rub off. It seems strange that someone would hang out with people they feel hostility towards but I guess it’s no stranger than marrying someone you secretly want to hurt. In any case, his behavior around men like this was always weird. He’d become loud and stiffly “jocular” and it seemed aggressive. FW was typically covert about his narcissism but after D-Day I started reviewing his behavior in a clearer light. I realized he was catty. It made him seem sniveling, petty and unattractive.
I missed one red flag when his narcissism started becoming less covert. Right before he launched into the affair, he told me about a conversation he had on the “difficulty of being so handsome” with a male work friend who’s ten years younger than him, looks like a 6 ft Ivy League Ken doll. It was so obvious that FW had incited the friend to humble-brag so that FW could insert himself into the same category. Mistakenly thinking he’d see the humor of it, I burst out laughing and said he should start a #MeTooHandsome movement.
He pretended to be a good sport about it but during the DARVO stage of the affair, he wouldn’t specify exactly how I was “always putting him down” when I asked for examples. I’d always been supportive so I was stumped. Later it became clear his sole ground for the accusation was that that I’d laughed at him for his embarrassing ego-kibble-fishing. After D-Day he admitted the AP was always gushing over how handsome he was and how young he looked for his age even as he was bloating up, rapidly aging and losing his hair from all the binge drinking they did during the affair.
Also after D-Day I learned FW had a chronic history of pursuing partnered and married targets that went back to his teens. There isn’t a lot of research on same-sex competitiveness in cheaters but there are quite a few studies regarding mate-poachers and “intrasexual aggression.” I’m guessing it’s probably true of both cheaters and poachers. #EnvyGremlins.
LOL #metoohandsome Oh man, that one takes the cake, well done!!! AWARD: best humor writer in a FW story
“… he should start a #MeTooHandsome movement.”
Interesting thought. Klootzak is very short and has some embarrassing features. The kinds of things kids pick on. I always felt he had a bit if a Napoleon complex, like he felt he had to prove he was manly. Having “scored” with a high number of women certainly feeds that ego. He always had to be better than everyone else. Well… let the APs have him and his little mushroom.
Pathological envy is one possible symptom of narcissism. According to the “Stalking the Soul” book, this kind of envy is why Iago destroyed Othello, or why Cain killed Abel.
Covert envy is pretty hard to detect. My impression is that covert narcissists see envy and sexual jealousy as things only lesser beings suffer from and so they deny or project/displace the feelings onto other people. Displacing can involve triggering those feelings in a partner as punishment (a potential drive for cheating). According to a leading DV expert, it’s the masking of these impulses that makes some abusers particularly prone to explode in rage and become dangerous.
Mine said something similar. It’s not his fault so many women want him and no men want me. He doesn’t understand that I chose not to cheat and had plenty of opportunity. In his mind the only reason a person wouldn’t cheat is because no one wants them. It was great insight into how screwed up his mind is.
He can’t help it! How horrible it must be for him with skanks throwing themselves at him. Oh, the suffering. How could he dent them his wonderfulness? LOL This one gets a prize.
Dent = deny ????
“I don’t know what love is.”
My vote for the trophy idea would be an ornate music box that when you open it, a flaccid penis turns on a spindle to the song ‘Send in the Clowns’.
Divine, I think you have just designed the ultimate Faberge egg.
I would totally pay to see that in a Faberge exhibition, regardless of Russian sabre rattling.
Or to the sound of “I gotta be free”
Lol. Now I’m envisioning the self-pitying she-cheaters trophy. Brain bleach please.
He told me he didn’t think he knew how to love. I glazed over that at the time, thinking it was self-deprecating/crisis mind talking, but it turned out to be pretty damn true.
Good trophy idea. I mean, when you spend all your hard-ons on porn and hookers…
Hahaha!!! I literally just laughed out loud!! ????????????
I am totally laughing out loud here. I’m laughing as much as I did when I tried to watch the infamous Ruby belly dancing video and – I shit you not – my phone crashed.
Right after d day, I read a sad sausage message from ow to fw complaining that they couldn’t break up because they’ve traveled so many places together and all those locations will be ruined for her. Uh hello dumbass he’s married with children, but yes you are the real victim here. We are divorced now and she can have him. Good luck with that!
I didn’t get a true DARVO moment directly, just adjacent. So I’ll give FW and AP a runner up award — made of cheap plaster. And there’s no way I’m wearing stilettos to the awards ceremony — I’ll stick with my comfy Rothys flats.
When FW left, I didn’t have much of an explanation other than that he loved co-worker schmoopie and didn’t love me…. And walked out and moved right in with her.
But I got snippets in gaslighting DARVO fashion. Through emails and texts that I got access to well after DDAY…. Clearly I’m “crazy.” I “see a therapist.” FW and AP had an exchange where he told her I “never wanted children” and “didn’t want our son.” But also read in Discovery that I fought over custody because I “can’t be away from our son.” And when FW took son out early on and wasn’t letting him respond to the set phone call, I found out they had left the state and I reached out to schmoopie to reach him. Her response was that I’m crazy and she’s “not my friend.” FFS So clearly he had her believing that I’m unstable while he played gaslighting mind games.
Then there’s the flying monkey in-laws who told all the family that I kicked out FW and was so cruel and poor FW was taken in by kind co-worker… and then they fell in love.
Does that qualify? Oops… dropped the plaster award —- pieces everywhere. I’m going to put my slippers on now and get some tea
“told all the family that I kicked out FW and was so cruel and poor FW was taken in by kind co-worker… and then they fell in love”
This narrative was the goal and I didnt go along with it
That was exactly what my FW told everyone! He was very taken aback when our 20 year old daughter (always his favourite golden child) said ‘No Dad. It didn’t happen like that. I was there, remember?’
KnittedRobin, our 9 year old son said the same to FW! “That’s not what happened — I was there!” FW was trying real hard to gaslight his kid.
At only 9 years old, that sweet little boy had to grow up fast. He had to learn what gaslighting was. And he learned his dad was a cowardly liar.
My most important lesson for him was when he said that his dad told him that FW and I always fought and didn’t get along. Son said to me “that’s not how I remember it at all.” He said “you can hear everything in this house. You guys didn’t fight. That only happened in the last couple of months (when FW started his affair of course and was picking fights).” I asked him “what do YOU remember? Always trust yourself and your memory. And always feel free to ask me. Because I remember it the way you do. We were both there together.”
Triangulation has many purposes, one of which is that disordered liars and character assassins need to repeat lies to a nodding audience often in order to fully invest and believe in the lies themselves. It’s a kind of criminal “self talk” that’s clinically known as “neutralization.”
In any event I suspect a lot of affair-DARVO is just a matter of FWs saying to chumps’ faces what they’ve already said behind chumps’ backs to APs or flying monkeys in order to justify cheating. Many cheaters eventually repeat these things to the chump as if doing so puts a seal on the fabrications and makes them true. I think you can tell how often the cheater has repeated the charges prior to unleashing them on the chump because, each time a cheater “rehearses” the false claims and weaves in more lies to an approving audience, the less and less the lies resemble reality. If the chump responds to the DARVO attack by staring back in silent horror– as many people would when hearing such bizarre fabrications– the silence is then hijacked as agreement. Or else the cheater will hurl the accusations and then scurry out of the room wailing with their fingers in their ears to avoid hearing the response.
So I think you got the first stage of the cheater prevarication ritual but not the follow through. It probably reflects the fact that the AP in your situation was a super enthusiastic audience for the bs. You might have been all they ever talked about if he was so satisfied with the AP’s enabling that he didn’t take the classic next step of spewing the nonsense to your face. It also suggests that relationship can’t sustain without triangulation. They have nothing to share other than attacking the same victim. Without a fresh victim, they’ll start attacking each other.
Hell of a Chump, from your mouth to G-d’s ears. They are still together but it seems FW is hardly ever at the house with AP. They’ve been “together” 7 years now… but he’s on travel during the week… and then often on the weekends too. They can stay together (meh) but it’s still nice schadenfreude to think that they attack each other when they’re together ????
Imagine in twenty years when they’re both toothless, retired and muttering dementedly at each other from layered years of rage and rancor.
“So I think you got the first stage of the cheater prevarication ritual but not the follow through. It probably reflects the fact that the AP in your situation was a super enthusiastic audience for the bs. You might have been all they ever talked about if he was so satisfied with the AP’s enabling that he didn’t take the classic next step of spewing the nonsense to your face. It also suggests that relationship can’t sustain without triangulation. They have nothing to share other than attacking the same victim. Without a fresh victim, they’ll start attacking each other.”
YUP. EX FW and AP bonded over their shared “unhappy” marriages. In spite of the fact that she knew me (we were coworker, our kids played together, she’d been to my house many times) and I had never been unkind to her, she believed every lie FW told her about me, and she turned around and started attacking/abusing me as well, and goading him during the divorce proceedings. She was paranoid (with good reason I suppose) and started accusing me (through FW’s discovery, etc.) of copying her. Which was hilarious because she was morphing into a version of *me* (I wasn’t the only one who noticed) by blatantly copying me.
It took awhile because I was smoking the hopium, but I finally stepped out of their nasty little triangle, refusing to engage with him, and moved on with my own life, and their relationship (so perfect! so happy!) imploded.
Ex told his friends that I said I wished our daughter was not born — a lie taken out of context for his benefit. What I *did* say, in the middle of a sea of anguish when I was making the mistake of still talking to that asshat, was that it would have been so much easier to deal with this if we didn’t have children. FW magicians — pulling bullshit rabbits out of magic hats for image management illusions!
Chump On It,
You don’t need to explain yourself. FWs are lying liars that lie. They love to twist our words to make us doubt ourselves… or just make shit up and put it out as facts. They are asshats for sure
Ex is a master of twisting words, taking them out of context for his benefit. Then when I’d try to explain what I actually did say, ex and his flying monkeys would be concerned for my mental well being. It was a vicious circle. So many half truths and exaggerations to make me look like I was crazy while portraying himself as the sad sausage victim.
“Aren’t you glad I want to divorce you because I want to engage in physical affairs?” “Why would you want to stay married to someone like me?” After an emotional affair and engaging in one few weeks into separation.
“I am actually the best for leaving you” — utterly delusional. Even if she didn’t physically cheat, it’s still a devastating blow. They just can’t look like they delivered it, because that would take them down a few pegs and they might have to sit with the idea that they are not a wonderful person. Ugh, the sugar coating…
Fraudesco, then nearing a65, sent over $40K to the under 30 “woman” he met online, a catfisher running a romance scam. II found the evidence in 1000 pages of emails he sent her with photos of the gift cards and codes to redeem them, discussions about the credit card he got in her name and paid for, printouts of the bank transfers he sent her, receipts from $7k he sent via Western Union, etc., and the listing of the apartment he picked out for them, his invitation for her to move in, plans to buy her a business, have a baby, etc. and his befuddlement why he couldn’t understand “her” in their only phone call, and his comment that she “sounded like a man.” As soon as I discovered this, via the apartment listing and his email asking her if she could move in with him in the next few days, both left open on the computer in our bedroom, it took me about five minutes to search and prove to him the photos belonged to a hooker in Columbia. No idea if he was communicating with her or not. Tried MC til I discovered he had only given me trickle truth, he got violent with me and tween grandson I was raising, grandson called for help, he left, I filed. Discovered he’d stolen most of my own money, including settlement for on the job injury, while I was nearly severely disabled by a brain injury, and it was past the statute of limitations. Also learned he’d been draining marital assets for years.
Over the next two and a half years, he found a woman he introduced to friends and posted online as his “life partner,” and when that fell through, he love-bombed another under-30 (he’s 66), and within a week he introduced her by phone to our young kiddo as his new mom. She dumped him soon after. Somewhere in between, there was another woman and her 15 year old daughter. It sounds like he pursued both. Discovered he’d been abusing our kiddo and that he was threatening him repeatedly in secret phone calls.
Finally got divorced. Got full custody, NO visitation or contact because his abuse towards kiddo was so bad. His health declines. He called and wrote friends about how he died on the table anywhere from one to six times. Called our kiddo on a burner phone to say that God came to him, forgave him, and God said that kiddo must forgive him too. Refused to give back money he stole from kiddo’s bank accounts against court orders, or the inheritance he denied kiddo received. (Fraudster took the checks.) Never found all the money he’d stolen from me, my successful civil settlement, my business.
I’ve been NC throughout. Last week he called me on a burner phone, told me how awful it is that he’s now in assisted living, and told me, “I had no woman. There was no other woman. It was all in my mind.”
What a nutjob! I hope your son is doing ok. And you must be much better with this idiot safely tucked in the facility!
He sounds like that delusional old loser who was on Dr. Phil and made a total ass of himself because he was getting catfished by young women. If you haven’t seen it, you might want to look it up. I wish I could remember the name… Dennis? I don’t know. I felt bad for his wife because he blew through a lot of money but I was happy she was divorcing him and could finally see what a loser he was.
I looked for it but didn’t find it. Found some others, though.
He used to watch the show “CAtfish” every week and laughed at the victims, sneered about how stupid they were to be taken in.
At the same time he was being catfished.
What a moron.
The mind-blower in my case was when Traitor X attempted to claim that He Was Hurt Too!
……to our daughter, who promptly took aim and shot him out of the sky like an Olympic skeet shooter bagging the gold medal.
In the final session with Dr. Kickass Co-parent, where he had to face her and confess to the lies he told her, Little Hammer was praised by Dr. Co-parent for being direct, clear, honest, not sugarcoating, and kind. Yes, the fifteen year old child in the situation, as opposed to the fifty seven year old (chronologically) adult parent.
That day it was also clear which parent’s modeling she copied……
Traitor X, who cheated and lied and hid money and intentionally neglected/destroyed our marriage and our family, and basically ghosted our daughter, with the assistance of the cockroach he shopped for on Craigslist (his “sole mate”!), in one of our last sessions with Dr. Kickass Co-parent said, “ I feel like I’m being cut out!” Both Dr. Co-parent and I raised our eyebrows sky high at the same time and I said, “You LEFT, remember?”
He left at the beginning of 2018, and this stunningly obtuse utterance came in at the end of 2021….
….and I will always be grateful for Dr. Kickass Co-parent. When he complained in a session that our daughter doesn’t want anything to with him and won’t talk to him, she told him, “She’s giving you a taste of your own medicine.”
That was totally worth the money spent on her services.
Last night on our couch my step daughter was complaining about a friend on the cheerleading squad who “hates her dad” and I asked why what did he do?
She said he cheated on the mom and now she’s just really overprotective and “keeps the kids away from him”. I said first thing: he cheated. That ruins the whole family not just mom.
And we dont know what exactly happened behind the scenes.
And I’ll be damned if everything she said was going wrong with this family, (and as I tried to get her to look at another perspective) she had an EXCUSE for HIM and each behavior or incident. “He comes to all our games and just looks really sad”. “They say he doesn’t show up
To things but he’s always there”. I swear I even heard “she’s kinda crazy” and “isnt divorce really expensive”?
I swear I felt for a second like I was talking to her about her dad and I. He sat there facing HER
“I feel like I’m being cut out!” … I said, “You LEFT, remember?”
x made a similar claim, adding that “Spinach is sitting pretty, and she got everything.”
What the everliving fuck!
I’m sure he still feels this way. Doesn’t get it. Never will. And perhaps were he to tell his kids that he’s sorry and that they must be experiencing pain as well, they might agree to some kind of relationship with him. But he doesn’t seem capable of empathy.
Note: His mom just died. He didn’t tell his kids. Only me. And the email was a succinct, “My mom died earlier today.” The kids were astonished that he didn’t tell him. One daughter wrote a text to him expressing her condolences. He didn’t respond. WTF
*didn’t tell them ????
FW got SO ANGRY that I ended up doing better financially than he did. Even though he had schmoopie paying for half his life, he was completely broke (and he made more than I did; she made about the same as me). He was even more furious that I refused to help him financially. He also gave me the “you got what you wanted” (really?) and said I was out to destroy HIM. Never mind he blew up our family for his twu wuv. He couldn’t believe that I was successful and constantly accused me of taking money from other people. Truth was, he was draining schmoopie’s savings. I was doing everything on my own. I’m just better with money than he was, and I no longer had him spending what I earned. I had gotten a second job to help pay for the divorce, and he was resentful that he didn’t get any of that money. I told him he was free to get another job, and he was like “when am I supposed to do that?”. He didn’t like when I told him that he had just as many days/evenings free as I did, due to our shared custody arrangement. But that would have involved him giving up “his” time, and giving up some of the things he did purely for his ego/image management (like charity work).
He’s dead, but I can just imagine how mad he would be that I just took a vacation overseas.
For Best Actor in the category of Performative Fake Grief, the Saddest Sausage award goes to… the Lying Cheating Loser!
He grew up with an objectively awful stepfather who abused him, his mom, and his siblings. Over the years, the LCL extracted a lot of empathy from various members of the Broken Bitch Brigade recounting his childhood tales of woe. He refused to call his stepdad “dad” and instead referred to him by name.
When as an adult he slunk back home after being dumped by the WalkawayWoman, the LCL and his stepdad led parallel lives under the same roof for a time, until the LCL could secure another chump with an apartment.
At the time of stepdad’s death, the LCL hadn’t spoken to him for months. Not being one to waste any opportunity for kibbles, the LCL posted prolifically on social media. Including a selfie, all dressed up in funeral finery, with the caption “RIP dad.”
The Brigade showered him with loving attention and I’m sure the panties were dropping for months.
“Broken Bitch Brigade” ????????????????????
My ex-SIL told me that at a family party, the OW approached ex-SIL to chat. Apparently, she was sick of people gossiping about my breakup with the ex and how hard it must be for my son and me. She told ex-SIL ‘people keep talking about how hard it is for ‘ChumpyLou’s ex’, but they don’t realise that I left someone too and it’s hard for me’. Ex-SIL looked at her and walked off. I was pregnant at the time with ex’s child. Gross.
On discovering the affair, my ex proceeded to punch himself in the face while shouting ‘I’ve ruined everything’. He gave himself a black eye! He then sat on the sofa having a pity party and I think he wanted me to tell him everything would be ok and get him an ice pack.
I ran him out of the house and raged off in the car at a ridiculous speed.
I am so sorry Chumpy Lou.
Is it just me, or is there truly extra pain when a chump is carrying ex’s child when they decide to wander off to greener pastures?
( this seems to be a jump start to making the finals list)!
( well, one thing I feel certain of, is, it builds a very very strong bond, especially between this child, and the Chump Mother- the forever present, sane, loving parent).
Big hugs to you dear Chumpy Lou
Ah thank you. It was almost 7 years ago this Christmas. It was awful, but I know this sounds so cliche – I am so much stronger and I realised I’m pretty resilient now due to that experience. I would have preferred not to have gone through it though.
My daughter is 6 and loves her dad, but my son, now 13 doesn’t have a good relationship with his dad. We all have a very close bond and I wouldn’t change it for the world.
OW tried to plant a flag on Victim Mountain and got tossed into the gorge lol.
Post-divorce, me: “Should I pick up our kid from soccer today?”
Her: “It’s always about you. But I don’t have to put up with your shit anymore.”
[She had multiple simultaneous boyfriends, including two during the month in which she was “sorry.” Best quote from then: “Yes, I lied about being in touch with him. But you’re still paranoid.”]
“Yes, I lied about being in touch with him. But you’re still paranoid.”
Holy shit. You get an award for not resorting to violence after that. I hope she drops her DARVO award on her toe
I was in such shock at her ability to lie that well that I was mostly just catatonic. She admitted her activities. But later refused to participate in therapy if anyone said she’d had an affair. Because I was always making false accusations like that.
Omgggg…it’s just maddening how ridiculous they are! I hope you can laugh about it now…like WTAF?!
It sounds like she had that “it’s all about you” rumination all wound up for weeks and ready to blow on the very next thing you said, even if it was “Looks like rain” or “Did you vote?”
Oh god, I got so many of these responses to just normal, logistical questions with no emotional connotations. He’d name drop AP just to upset me (there was NEVER any need to bring her into those emails). I learned to just respond “I’ll pick kid up at 3”. It drove him CRAZY that I didn’t take the bait.
I got one. In between being nasty to me, he would get mopey because I wasn’t asking him how his day was and I would just stare at him when he tried to tell me stories when he came home. He got mad about it so I said “What do you expect me to do, high five you and say cool prank bro because you faked a 20 year marriage?”
And he hung his head and said “but isn’t it really a prank I played on myself?”
Oh yes I forgot that one. FW saying to me with tears in his eyes: I’ve become my Dad (he was a cheater who deserted my FW, his mom and brother at a very young age). I can’t believe I did this to myself”. Probably the most insightful he was through the whole thing….didn’t stop him.
Yes! It’s like to yourself?! You can’t believe you do this TO YOURSELF?! What about all the other people you did this to, knowingly, by choice. We didn’t get to make these decisions. They did it to us, without our knowledge or consent and then they whine about what they did TO THEMSELVES. Yeah, it’s unreal.
At one point before I got him to move out of our apartment he just randomly screamed at me, “Poor Katie, always the victim!” I wasn’t even speaking at all, he just walked by me and screamed at me. That was after the “isn’t it a prank I played on myself” comment and all I could think was well, that’s a textbook example of projection if I’ve ever seen one.
It must be in their hand book. “I got the poor Brit always the victim.”
Cheater would then repeatedly say, “so you think I’m a bastard? I’m a bastard, go ahead call me a bastard.”
I wasn’t sure what to think, so I’d ignore him. Looking back I couldn’t agree with him more.
For the prize itself, I suggest one of those displays that rotates hot dogs under a heat lamp. Just add an easy listening version of Brenda Lee’s “I’m Sorry.”
I am impressed with all the FW excuses! My entitled narcissist didn’t even bother to pretend to feel guilt or remorse and said things like “You just want me to feel bad about myself!” and “I cant change the past.”
Mine acted this way at times, too, adding that he just “had to move on” (cue the violins) as if he hadn’t been the architect of the entire shit show.
Also, the AP chimed in with her own version of self-pity by having x tell me that “she doesn’t want anything of yours.” I replied, “Just my husband and my life.” But ok.
The AP, whom I’d met briefly only once, seemed to have complete disdain for me. I never understood that. Those two slept in my bed and snuck around for YEARS. She knew full well that he was married. She conspired in my abuse. And yet, I was somehow the bad guy, and she was the aggrieved woman who wanted nothing of mine. #mindfuck
The two seem to be wallowing in self-pity together.
After D-Day, x said that she was the only friend he had and that she would probably end up wheeling him in a chair and cleaning food off his shirt. When I pointed out to him that I would have done that, too, he simply said, “I know.”
Your FW and his AP sound perfect together. May they wallow in their victimization and self pity forever. I’m glad you got away from that dysfunction.
“The AP, whom I’d met briefly only once, seemed to have complete disdain for me. I never understood that. Those two slept in my bed and snuck around for YEARS. She knew full well that he was married. She conspired in my abuse. And yet, I was somehow the bad guy, and she was the aggrieved woman who wanted nothing of mine. #mindfuck”
I unfortunately saw a lot more of her than that, since we were coworkers and (I thought) friends. Which makes it even more crazy that she saw me as the enemy to her happiness and believed all FW’s lies about what a cold bitch I was (or whatever – I don’t know details). She was WELL AWARE he was married, and we all hung out together. She watched us kiss, hold hands, play with our kid, she came to my house, I cooked dinner for everyone. But she stood shoulder to shoulder with him in his abuse of me, and took it on herself to scream at me, push me, threaten me, make up lies about me to try and get me fired, etc. So bizarre. The crème de la crème was when she sent me an angry text saying “Stay out of my life. You have NO RIGHT.” as she proceeded to threaten to call the cops (?) on me for “stalking” her (i.e. looking at her PUBLIC social media – which I was checking because I knew FW was lying to me). SHE was fucking MY HUSBAND, but apparently I had “no right” to be upset about it…
XAss never admitted to anything. Never apologized for anything. Instead I got projection, he accused me of everything he did to me. And then he had the gall to say to me, “But we had some good times together, didn’t we?” with a hopeful expression on his face. I just turned and walked away.
omg. mine says the same thing. No originality. It is like yess after 18 years and raising 2 kids I would like you to feel something. She now thinks we will be besties over time. lol
I feel you! It is so sad when you realize just how much you meant to them. But still glad that I can care about deserving people…them not so much.
I talked to the AP and she had a long-term relationship with my ex…8 years long. We bought a huge home together in the middle of it all and she was aware. During our conversation she had the gall to say to me “I can’t believe he did this to me and my kids”….mind you she was married at the time they started their affair and only got divorced after she got caught. No one bothered to let me know until I found out at the 8 year mark on my own. And at the end of the call when she thought we were both done she said “it was so nice talking to you, maybe we could meet for a drink someday”. I’m, that’s a hard no. My FW begged and cried to work it out so we tried….and guess what, they carried on (I know, shocking, right?) I’ve been single for 2 years and don’t think they’re officially together but he’ll continue to use her until it doesn’t serve him anymore. I sleep just fine at night…they deserve each other.
APs are audacious. When I told her ex said she was going to follow him to our daughter’s home where we were to babysit, (she was allegedly being fired)I said I’d call police if she came anywhere near my granddaughter. She looked at him & said no wonder your kids think I’m a psycho. Same person that threatened to put flyers all over our neighborhood and both daughters. A neighbor actually saw her in my mailbox.
Yep. That’s who he’s with. Btw my tires were also slashed after she revealed herself. Same car I transport grands in. He swore she’d never do that. Idiot
Sandyfeet: they deserve their dysfunctional relationship! Keeps them busy & away from us “normals”!
*Best Sad Sausage Performance at a Divorce Hearing goes to….. Ex Mr FW!*
Ex Mr FW will be leaving today’s proceedings with a court order to pay ByeByeFW a 6 figure sum, in addition to back child support and child care costs, and assurance from the judge that failure to pay said amount in the next 3 months will result in the sale of his house. And if house sale doesn’t cover these expenses, he will still be responsible for the remaining balance.
Ex Mr FW is being bestowed this honor for literally describing himself as the victim during the hearing. The judge addressed Ex Mr FW directly – informing he was a victim of nothing, and it was in the best interest of his minor children that he stop thinking of himself as such and start being a parent. #besthearingever
When I was upset about him purchasing sex at massage parlors, his response: You are so crazy and overreacting- it only happened a few times!
“I only shot you once and you didn’t die! Why are you fixating on this?”
That’s insane! Yet typical.
I remember reading one message to one of our friends wife whose husband was divorcing her “What is happening to our men? I don’t know why he (Sirchumpalot) is divorcing me?”. She was telling everyone who would listen that I was divorcing her without cause. That she was the victim in the marriage and divorce. Such a sad sausage for having multiple affairs. ????????????
“Your insistence that I give up porn was abusive!”
Right, having a spouse who loved you and wanted you to be present with her instead of treating her like something disposable was such a buzzkill. Go ahead with whatever, I’m over you now. Hope porn looks after you when you’re old.
I remember early on getting shit for calling him out on wasting himself on porn when I was literally in the next bedroom. How dare I expect my husband to pay that sort of attention to his wife rather than strangers. That was back when I thought in general that it was harmless “me” time and I bought into the idea that I was shaming him and did feel bad about doing so. I was so naive.
After finding out my ex had cheated on me our whole marriage (16 years) I kicked him out. He came back crying one day and said “I never knew how cruel you are. I’m suffering grief and loss and you don’t care. I’ve lost your parents and you could care less”. Note: he was closer to my parents then his own. I didn’t say a word, just closed the door in his face.
I got “your family doesn’t like me”. You abused me and then finally cheated on me. Why would they like you?
So many.. the psychologist told her that she needed to do some soul searching about what she did so she can regain trust from me and she said “what about him?” After spending a year telling me she did not want to work anymore, she wanted to be a homemaker, she was forced to go back to work after I left and called me to tell me how happy she was having something to do and how she appreciated her days off. The flip side, her employer cut her hours and she called to tell me how unhappy she was because she really enjoyed working. Then there was the time she said she was tired of being punished for what she did, she felt like I put her into jail after what she did, and how upsetting it was to be reminded of what she did (went off on a drug bender with an old boyfriend for 5 days, etc.). The most recent, she got us into trouble with the IRS because she cashed out inherited stocks, did not give me the details, gave money to her boyfriend and we underreported income for our first year of marriage to the tune of $46,500 to which she said “I would never do anything to hurt you” after I confronted her. The real mind fuck was me thinking I could actually stay married to her before realizing there was nothing to work with…
RVA the financial stabs in the back are horrible! I can so relate, and I’m so happy only my name is attached to my returns, bank statements, etc! FW was awful with any money we ever had, and now that he’s gone, it’s such a weight lifted, and I’m doing great in that area ????
I went to his apartment to retrieve a box full of my books that he’d liberated without permission when he moved out. As I was hauling it out, apropos of nothing, he whined that when he had a wedding ring on women threw themselves at him, but now that he was single they weren’t interested.
I didn’t bother to respond.
Good God! Hats off to you for just walking away.
Good God! Hats off to you for just walking away.
As for women like that, I assume that to them married men hand out the best cash and gifts; to buy silence.
I do know without a doubt that fws last whore was looking for a meal ticket, he was not her first married man rodeo; but he was by far the stupidest.
I imagine it was some and/or combination of women who get ego-kibbles at the idea of “stealing someone else’s man”, and women young and inexperienced enough to fall for the whole poor-wounded-man-trapped-with-a-psycho-wife, you-are-the-special-one-who-will-save-me routine.
You know, I keep hearing that. But it certainly wasn’t my experience. Maybe I didn’t give off the scent of being open to someone who’d screw a married man?
Wow – I bet we’ll hear all kinds of word salad crap today! Here’s one of the last emails that the lying FW sent to me. He always did have a problem writing a coherent sentence… now I realize it’s because he needed that word salad to confuse people and not be forthright:
“I have been just as anxious, and depressed, for a long time watching your pain, and hoped some how, we could heal.
With no idea that I was so messed up, and that I treated you so bad. I did what I thought to, trying to make you happy all the time. I would have danced like a court jester fool.
My movements, and actions gave you information, that could only coming to the conclusion that I was unfaithful to you. I have no way of showing you that I was faithful. Just being able to say, I was.
No way of telling you, for you to understand, I was desired, with my kindness, and charm. The constant contact in my work life. I stood right in front of it, and knew, I could not go there, and with a thank you for your business, I removed myself.
Now with this, my failure, my loss of you, I am in such sadness. I am sorry, you are too. Two hearts, two souls, crushed at once. I am so sorry that it will be so hard healing.
Having to look at family, and friends thinking they have some story of what happened, and why I failed, and know I will never talk of it. I will just suffer it.”
Wow. That is just incomprehensible. It’s clear that he thinks very highly of himself but other than that, it’s total word salad.
He has a promising future writing unintelligible assembly instructions for foreign companies marketing a product in the U.S.
I just woke up my dogs laughing so hard.
Bleurgh, is all i can say to that!
I got this email from x one month after D-Day:
“Now my entire family has blocked me.
I’m in pain, too. But I can’t complain because I’m responsible, right?
This is more punishment than self-protection. If you look through all of our texting, I think you have been the aggressor.
Please unblock me
I have an emotional connection to you.”
Feel free to UBT this.
p.s. No idea what he’s talking about re me as the aggressor. ????????♀️
And just to add some context: on D-Day, the man I’d been married to for 35 years confessed to cheating on me and lying every day for 2 1/2 years with a much-younger co-worker/nurse. He said he wanted to marry her, which he eventually did. I kicked him out and then blocked him from texting because it was too immediate, and he was abusing the access. I had not blocked him from email, so he had access.
On the day he wrote this, I was sitting reeling from the news and not eating or sleeping well.
But he wanted me to feel HIS pain.
His adult kids blocked him because of poor treatment/emotional abuse over the years.
You deprived him of cake, which is obviously an unfair and aggressive act. WTF.
“Now my entire family has blocked me.
I’m in pain, too.”
“What do you know of pain? I was blocked! The trauma is beyond belief!”
“But I can’t complain because I’m responsible, right?”
I just complained, so I added that disclaimer in the hope that you wouldn’t notice what a whiny little bitch I am.
“This is more punishment than self-protection. If you look through all of our texting, I think you have been the aggressor.”
I need you to stop protecting yourself from my abuse, so I’ll accuse you of being a meanie and lay on a guilt trip. You big bully!
“Please unblock me
I have an emotional connection to you.”
Please unblock me so I can manipulate you.
Omg! Homerun, OHFFS!
I got that too!!!! “please stop telling me what I did, you are upsetting me… I’m going to get a restraining order against you for harassment.” 🙂
Mine once said I had *sighed* “aggressively.” ????
Greatest hits from FW, after both me and our therapist asked him to take a step back from his friendship with Schmoopie because it was interfering with our relationship:
“If anyone is going to fall in love here, it will be Schmoopie.”
In the middle of a fight about the exact same thing:
“You’re just like [Schmoopie’s abusive ex].” In tears I said “I have many faults, but I am nothing like that.” And he just went “No, you’re not”.
This is the time I truly regret not leaving right there and then. I see it for what it is now, but somehow I didn’t have the energy then. The only good thing about this is that now I’ll see it first strike!
Ok, one more for the laughs (you can’t make this up):
“The sausage at the supermarket where [Schmoopie’s mom] works is the best sausage EVER.”
“My sex addiction therapist says that you’re not courageous enough to stay with me.” Keep in mind I knew nothing about this “addiction” until I discovered his cheating 4 years into our relationship.
Oh, please. You know what takes courage? Leaving. Staying takes self-administered anaesthesia.
Thank you, Poet!
???? When it comes to therapists, the sex addiction ones in particular deserve to have the title therapist divided in two, as the rapist.
But also, cheaters are lying liars who lie.
We don’t know if the therapist even exists, let alone if they said that.
Wow, Lola, never considered that he might very well have made the whole thing up! Good call!
“My sex addiction therapist says that you’re not courageous enough to stay with me.”
O.M.G Some therapists (not all) can be so FULL OF $H!T. They can do more damage than the initial transgressor.
Sex addiction therapists are just disgusting abusive perverts. Nothing is going to change my mind about that. Every time I see a picture of a female sex therapist she’s dressed like a whore looking for a “date.” I think the whole industry is just a bunch of perverts scamming for money and looking for more gross whores like them to screw.
“I think the whole industry is just a bunch of perverts scamming for money and looking for more gross whores like them to screw.”
There may be some who actually believe sex addiction is real, but that doesn’t make it any less of a scam for them to claim, without any evidence, that their therapy model can cure it.
But yeah, I agree that most of it is a deliberate con and that many of these so-called therapists are outright perverts.
FW brought up a random comment that I supposedly had made, twenty years previously, that I wasn’t particularly interested in visiting a certain city again and that Batshit Becky told him that she do anything and go anywhere for him (sure, Jan.) Also said that Batshit Becky was too short, overweight and had warts on her face, but would beat herself with a hairbrush for him (FW didn’t seem to comprehend what this comment said about him).
Batshit ditched FW when FW had his license revoked for several years and received a jail sentence for his DUI. Apparently there were some places Batshit wouldn’t go with him.
he just needed to “live alone in the woods” which meant live in our beach house without me before DDay to find himself.
The following said while weeping and choking on sobs:
“You have no idea how much I am suffering KathleenK: I’ve lost my home, my family, even my dogs. You are living in the same house living the same life while I am out here starting over from scratch. You don’t understand how cruelly hard this is for me. Could I at least come over and walk the dogs sometimes?”
PS And I had just paid for his new house.
Gross. I simply got, “Thus is so hard” when he was moving out
My shitbag ex turned 64 after I divorced him (I was 45) and he left a sad sausage FB post referencing the Beatles song…..
Will you still need me, will you still feed me, when I’m 64.
He then wrote “guess someone answered no to that question”.
He conveniently lef out the part about keeping his ex gf around our entire relationship and his nasty attitude/divorce threats when I wouldn’t rugsweep it and paint a phony smile on my face.
My friends were pissed off on my behalf but I laughed because it was so pathetic. He’s still talking to his on her 5th marriage ex gf but can’t actually be seen with her so he’s alone. He’s apparently not as good of a deal as he thought.
The cheap, shitty toupee probably doesn’t help. LOL
Upon discovering his 2 1/2 year serious EA with his JUNIOR high school “friend” … I did everything I could to sort out our marriage.
I made the therapy appointments, bought all the books, including that lousy Love Language one that I later flung in the trash. Made date nights, renewed our vows, all to be told after discovering 8 years later his last and final affair with his much younger co worker:
“Why didn’t you try harder when we needed you to?!!!!”
(Sniffle sigh sob)
At the same time while “researching” co worker on FB, I found she posted a sad sausage song:
“I Hate myself For Loving You”
Yeah, I hate you, too.
I’ll never forget John Edwards’ comments to an interviewer who confronted him about his affair with Rielle Hunter while his wife Elizabeth was undergoing her cancer treatments–“But her cancer was in remission then.”
A Prince among Princes that guy.
FW and I are newly separated and our children (7 and 10) are naturally having a hard time adjusting. My 10 yo started experiencing suicidal thoughts as a result. During a heated exchange with FW about school stuff, FW blamed me for my 10 yo’s mental health concerns. FW said if I had just sold him the house then our children would be doing ok. Never mind that it was his wandering dick that caused the separation and cost our children their stability. Also, I did try to sell it to him but he couldn’t afford it and couldn’t find a co-signer. But yeah, I’m the asshole ????
The Bronze Sad Sausage goes to
*OW for “can’t you & your mother be happy that I’m trying so hard for you kids to like me?”.
Yup, being an OW is hard you know, when the kids hate you (for absolutely no reason, other than fucking their dad & blowing up the family, but minor pesky details, amirite?!).
Spoken by the AP: “It was only after he told me of his AVAILABILITY to date, that I began seeing him.” It didn’t matter that he was living with me and the kids; taking family vacations; and after moving out not lifting a finger to file for divorce (see CAKE). But, she dragged him to mass every Saturday #jesussavescheaters. I don’t know how she defined “available”… but to me, divorced is the only thing that qualifies for a healthy start to a new relationship.
Of the OW, x said, “She loves me more than I deserve.” ????
I laugh at their attempts to sanctify and white wash the whores.
Please, two alley cats ending up together. No better revenge available. Except maybe their dick rotting off.
My ex got very upset when I called his whore a disgusting whore.
I was accused of being ugly. Apparently calling a whore a whore is bad for image management. LOL
LOL!!! I got the “stop saying disparaging things” when I called her piece of shit a parasite because he’s been lingering around her for 9 years waiting for her mother to die so she can get her inheritance. Of course, she lingers around him for the drugs and he is her soulmate when they are stoned together ???? (there’s just too many things and it is like PTSD now)
Technically correct, since the amount he deserved was zero!
When I confronted my fiancee about the fact that he had sex with a mutual friend during my wedding shower, he replied that if I going to have fun before the wedding, so was he! As if having sex in the back seat of a car was the same as wedding shower. Believe me when I say I dodged a bullet.
Hope it’s a FORMER mutual friend, Kathleen. What truly horrible people they are.
My latest entry into the Sad Sausage awards just happened a few weeks ago. FW and I are separated and have been for a year. Our youngest son (17) no longer speaks to him and FW was lamenting that fact to me “I didn’t do anything to deserve this. He’s holding an unreasonable grudge!” When I informed him that, in fact, our son was wisely removing a toxic person from his life FW responded by saying “I’m allowed to have feelings! This is hurtful behavior. I only cheated on YOU, not him!” Gee DumbAss, you think our kid might have feelings about that?? That maybe he might have reason to be angry that you cheated on his mother his entire life? But sure, wallow in your self pity. It’s everyone else’s fault. Blame our child for the choices you made that destroyed our family.
PS Does anyone else have “your comment has been marked as SPAM” come up if you like too many posts? I’m not sure this will even post now.
I get the spam comment every once in a while. What I do is copy what I wrote, go out of CN, then back in again and paste my comment in a new square and it takes it.
I wonder if it happens when it is open too long. I leave it open all day and check all my sites time to time.
Anyway, that seems to resolve it.
That’s exactly how I got it to post! Just wasn’t sure it was going to work when I did it.
Hi Molly no, however when I do comment most times I don’t ever see it posted so perhaps that’s happening!
I came here this morning with my insomnia because a convo with my step daughter and her dad last night on our couch. (We’re still cohabitating in an unhealthy way)
She complained of a cheer mom who is “overprotective” of her daughter and always makes comments about her (my step daughter) clothing being too short, tight etc. also “gatekeeping” her daughter.
The dad cheated and all the kids are “hating” him. She went into other details and I couldn’t help
Myself but to say he cheated. He messed up the whole family. And everything I said she countered with some lame excuse for the dad! I felt like I was talking to her about me and her father. He sat there looking her way on the couch (body language was so dismissive of me) and stated that he met him
And he was a “nice guy”.
I just went to bed feeling disgusted. I often think what will I say to
My step daughter in the event of our demise. How will I handle finally filing for divorce when it comes to her?
Now I know she’s a cheater apologist there’s no heart to heart about THAT!
my X said, as he was moving out, “you know, there’s a formula that says you can date someone half your age + 8 years” so why don’t you go and do that?”
uh, what? as if i’m interested in dating. as if i have time. as if that’s appropriate. i’m 57 years old. gah.
guess who’s turning 60 and dating a woman in her 30s? you guessed it.
guess the co-worker/immediate subordinate that he promoted to director that he was having an exit affair with didn’t pan out. she’s in her 40s and has kids and a husband. so much for those heady thursday afternoons at the sheraton.
the awards are made of single stiletto shoes and presented at an awards ceremony in the basement of the sheraton. think of dripping pipes. the emcee is a skeezy guy who normally runs the superdogs show and forces nominees to run naked and screaming through an obstacle course. there’s a maze of mechanical rooms that are dark and confusing. eventually, they land in a heap in the dirty laundry.
the afterparty is in the alley out back, and consists of FW’s sharing downloads of their favourite porn clips with one another, while their sheepish AP’s shift nervously from foot to foot. they’re lined up against the wall, wearing uncomfortable shoes and scanty clothing. performing.
chumps? they’re at their favourite beach/park/mountain top/resort, watching the waves roll in, dreaming of their futures. free.
What is it about these ass wipes that think they have the standing to tell their victims how to live their lives.
I KNOW. assholes.
After 18 years married and 10 years of friendship before that, in Jan 2019 my (apparently gay*) husband told me he is still interested in men. [sidenote- I knew he had dated a few men prior to marriage but figured marrying me meant he had chosen -me-. ] This absolutely broke me, but we didn’t separate for a year while I pick-me-danced/ we tried to create a new vision for our marriage (i.e. open marriage or polyamory) and maintain our family of 5 (we have 3 teens).
One evening I was feeling mad as I emptied out the dishwasher alone in the kitchen. I muttered to myself “I guess this is my life now.” He had come up behind me and heard me say that. Looking hurt and very sad sausage, he said “well, how do you think I feel?” And I freakin’ apologized for hurting his feelings! It is, after all, very hard to come out! What was I thinking!?
*being LGBT is 100% fine. Announcing it after close to 20 years married- not fine.
Yep, I don’t subscribe to giving liars a pass for stealing the very life of another person for their own benefit.
I would say the same about my ex; being Bi is fine just don’t keep it a secret for 20 years and meet men behind my back. I would have appreciated having agency over my own life. When I found out I was so shocked my knees buckled and I sort of slid down the wall. Later he called me homophobic. Uh no that’s not the problem. Just nope.
KathleenK, I got called a homophobe also. And he whined at me pitifully “What gay guy would have me?” asking me to validate how deeply he would be desired by a male partner. Add this to the long list of questions a wife should never be asked.
Here’s the best centrality story, though: My mother, a cancer survivor, told the family that she had skin cancer and needed surgery. We were all silent, processing this info in distress. Up pipes my husband in the silence in a cheery voice, smiling: “Hey, as long as we are talking about our health, I just got some great news from my doctor!” Then angrily recounts to me later how no one praised his good news.
On the night I discovered his year-long affair, as I cried over the betrayal and expressed my anger and disappointment, he began to punch himself hard in the head. This became a habit. It was almost as if he was playing out the abuse that my disappointment felt like to his poor ego. Then HE was the victim, see? He’d look at me after as if I had just abused him. It gives me chills to think about now. I’ve never hit anyone in my life, and he had 50 pounds on me. But he was so determined to be the victim. He actually ran headfirst into our refrigerator during an argument a couple years later. It’s a wonder he’s still able to feed himself.
That is scary, hopefully he is out of your life. That is the kind of person that would try to frame someone else.
My ex-FW also punched himself on occasion during our fights. At the time I thought he wanted me to feel sorry for him… but I think now that this was a tactic to derail/divert the conversation. He did this when he was cornered with his obvious lies – and, of course, the conversation stopped when he did this so he never really had to answer the questions then.
He punched himself? ????That’s almost as bad as the infamous pillow biter story.
Okay, running headfirst into the fridge is even crazier than the infamous pillow biter story. Wow!
He wasn’t playing out abuse – he was abusing you. Violence used to shock and silence you. By ‘victimizing’ himself he carefully centered everything on HIM being the victim in a way he couldn’t if he hit you – but the shock tactics and look-what-you-made-me-do are exactly the same.
When I found out Fuckface was also consistently screwing a crack whore he met on Ashley Madison (in addition to countless randos unprotected for years), it gutted me even more knowing he had some kind of relationship with that gutter-rat-whore. He said “I didn’t have a relationship with her…I didn’t take her on dates or anything”.
GO. FUCK. YOURSELF.
Shortly after the 2nd D-day when I left the LCL to whom I was married for nearly 27 years, he changed his sorry “genuine naugahyde remorse” tune to blameshifting and presenting a “he’s really the victim here” mentality. He literally tabulated the number of communications I sent his way after leaving him which hurt his poor feelings (I hadn’t found Chump Lady yet and so for some months I would let loose some messages written in anger and grief). And he started talking about our “shared dynamics” and reiterating his belief that “It takes two to tango”. So my 27 years of being fully devoted to him and our kids and our unusual and exhausting career, being careful to never ever displease him out of my need for self protection…OF COURSE he had to carry on a double life with another woman for 3 years! How evil of me to only be a *faithful* servant/secretary/cook/laundress/travel agent/party planner/chauffeur/partner with as big of a smile on my face as possible for 27 years and then be mad at him for throwing it all away by having an affair with a married OW! How dare I not be a Stepford Wife who can’t react against his crap towards me!
While of course I’m not perfect and haven’t always been submissive and positive enough and supportive enough for his liking (an impossible task!), I cannot accept his “shared dynamics” narrative. Never once did I even think of breaking our wedding vows, never once did I lie about what I was doing with my friends & colleagues, never once did I tell anyone but him and close family members that I love them. Never once did I neglect his emotional or physical needs. All of these actions and thoughts towards me and our marriage were his and his alone. Not shared. Yet he likes to tell me and others how badly used he’s been. He hams it up by talking about my FOO and how messed up I am as a result. Poor sad sausage, having to deal with a human wife who got really, really angry instead of a fantasy!
I am loving this Friday challenge, because put them all together and you can see how ridiculous they all seem and how truly unoriginal. They act like five year olds (no disrespect to five year olds meant). Of course when this is happening it’s very hurtful but when you read everyone’s tales above you just realise how very desperate these people are and how they will literally try anything to shift the heat. Also makes me realise how little I want to be with someone who could actually try to pull off this kind of stunt and what the APs have actually landed themselves with.
I nominate my FW for the Self-Awarewolf Award:
FW followed the FW playbook, and once I clued in that something wasn’t right, he revealed that “I made a mistake” which turned out to be 2 years of secretive alcohol abuse, porn, chat room sex, and f*cking 6 (or more) randos. Then, he had “a connection” with a rando met via Pure (easy sex meetups). Bye-bye 23 year marriage, FW found twu wuv. He was super-sad-sausage after attending our kiddo’s graduation (smack in the middle between d day and actual divorce), saying “I feel like I am living two lives” and “sister-in-law won’t even look at me.” A few months later he said, “I want you to know I was really sad yesterday. I talked to my therapist about it. He said it was actually good that I was feeling emotions, because I wasn’t feeling any before.”
I don’t have time today to post a humdinger (or two) but I will this weekend. ????♀️ They’re quite the victims, aren’t they ? ???? poor babies !
Here’s my husband’s spiel about why he was in a relationship with a client from our work:
“I’ve been going to prostitutes and that wasn’t enough so I went to S&M clubs and met people but that was too risky because people could see me so I decided to get a girlfriend. I told her that you weren’t into doing the things I wanted to do in bed and she said she’d be happy to do anything I wanted so we’re a couple now.”
Mr. Cheaterpants’ whine “Do you have any idea how hard it is to have two women fighting over you?” is always good for a chuckle now. (Of course I did not know I was “fighting” anyone for the privilege of dating his fabulousness).
Cerise, a simple gesture can make that the truth;
“Do you have any idea how hard IT is to have two women fighting over me?”
Gesture- FW points to his dick.
I think it bothered my fw that I didn’t fight over him once I discovered his whore. I was devastated of course, but I never once begged or even hinted at him coming back. Thought inside I hoped he would. (just for a short while).
He even came by one day and accused me of calling whore, I was pissed; i told him I had never once called him or his whore and if he didn’t believe me he could file charges and we would let the courts handle it. I told him I wouldn’t give him or whore the satisfaction of calling either one of them. He had a kind of shocked/frightened look on his face and ran out of the house.
And no I never called him or the whore. It didn’t occur to me at the time but I thought later on, hmmmm; I wonder if his mom was calling whore. But, honestly I don’t think so, I would be more willing to bet that whore was making it up to triangulate and ramp up the excitement again. I imagine as long as our D took, she was scared shitless he was going to bail on her. To be honest I think he would have had he been assured he could keep his job. (direct report).
I saw a spot on TV tonight where some basketball coach has been fucking an employee and he has been suspended for a year. I told my H, if they would fire some of these guys it would set a precedence for the next guy that if you dip your wick in the company pool you are fired.
I am speaking from the company’s point of view, this shit needs to stop; there are plenty of willing whores out there who don’t work for the company they can fuck without risking a lawsuit to the company.
The statue is of a turd weeping. For the ceremony, when the FW steps up to accept the award, he/she/they gets a bucket of horse piss tossed over his/her/their head. Horse piss because it smells really bad. No offense to horses intended.
Some DARVO gems from my FW;
FW (after Dday)- “I didn’t get enough of your time and attention.”
Truth- No, that was me. His time and attention all went to his whore while I was ignored and lonely all the time.
FW (after Dday)- “You didn’t do enough activities with me. I needed more activities.”
Truth- I did plenty. He refused to join me, even on the ones he particularly liked doing with others, like biking. He even joined a weekly biking group and never missed it. But would he bike with me? Literally only about three or four times in 30+ years. I went alone on weekends while he loafed around. His only “activity” with schmoopie was elbow bending. All they did was drink and party.
FW (during long term affair)- “I think I’m going to date other women and you have no say in it. It serves you right because you aren’t a good wife.”
(He said this after I finally managed to get him to do an activity with me, which was taking a walk. He sabotaged it on purpose. We weren’t even two minutes into it when he said that, and of course that was the end of our “romantic” stroll. I was so horrified I literally ran away. See above about the alleged lack of activities together.)
Truth- I was a great wife and he was a shit husband. I was loving, loyal, and supportive to a fault. He was none of those things to me. He admitted that was true after Dday, but it still didn’t stop him from being a prick.
FW, after Dday, after being told I had been considering leaving him during his affair due to his emotional abuse.-
“See! You were no better than I was! You wanted to leave me! That proves you didn’t love me!”
There are so many more. Too many to list.
“See! You were no better than I was!”
I swear – all of this stuff comes down to that. Can’t ever let themselves believe they did a bad thing. Anything that accomplishes that is fair game, no matter how much more damage it does to anyone.
Agreed. That is what it comes down to, protecting the false self image at all costs. The ridiculous things they say to justify themselves are about that. Deep down they know they really are shit, which is why any criticism, even if it’s constructive, enrages them.
FW: “Bad actions don’t make you a bad person.”
Me: ” Really? Then what does?”
I was called a “mean”, “controlling”, “sex weaponizing C***” after I told my FW I needed some time and distance after learning of his 20+ years of cheating with mostly men. OH!!!!! and this!!!!! Upon learning that another woman he had met online had been invited into my house (multiple times) for sex while I was to of town…..FW laments….”I just wanted intimacy with my wife!!!! Look at her picture… she looks a lot like YOU.” ????????????????????
Oh. My. God.
(((PT))). I can’t even with your FW.
Calling you a “sex weaponizing cunt” is not just DARVO…it is pure projection as well as a confession.
He abused you using sex as the weapon. That earns him the Award of the Rolled in Glitter Turd, fixed in perpetuity on the cheap plastic pedestal it warrants. ✨????✨
‘I cant live without you’………he left 5 days later without a second thought.
Stuff like that still gets to me.
My fw a couple nights before he left said I know you don’t think so, but I do love you, then he stayed out all night. (Note: I knew he was cheating by then, I was just kind of catatonic).
A couple nights later he left and said he needed some space to get his head on straight and he thought it was going to work out. (I realized later of course he meant it would work out for him).
Then he was gone about a week, then came back to drop the final blow, told me he had been “dating” for ten years (21 year marriage). He finally had been seeing this “girl” and they were in love and wanted to get married.
Fast forward through hell and of course I finally figured out I was so much better off, but when you are going through it it is almost unbearable. Not sure how I did it. It was long before CL, or even internet.
Talk about an entitled man! Geez.
Kudos to you, Susie, for navigating your hellish situation without the internet or CL/CN. You’re ????!!!
I’m so glad you’re better off now.
This is my first time posting. I’ve found CL and everyone’s comments so helpful these past two years.
After I’d asked my husband if he was cheating on me with another man (which he was) and which he immediately denied, the next day, we sat down and he told me he was seriously worried about me because of how paranoid I’d become. He said I was trying to put a wedge in our marriage. He went on to say that I had intimacy issues and that I had major trust issues. I didn’t yet know about DARVO so I told him that yes, sometimes I had intimacy issues and yes, sometimes I was distrustful, but I was not paranoid.
Within a few days, his mask slipped, and I became scared of him because he knew that I’d discovered something about him that he’d never ever want anyone to know. During a hellish few months, I read up on gaslighting and DARVO and GID men while I lost weight, couldn’t sleep and felt nauseous whenever I had to eat with him. I waited until a therapy session to tell him I wanted a divorce, and I then went pretty much no contact (I’d already rented a small studio to get away from him when I needed to). I am so glad to be calm and at peace and free.
Also, I’m grateful to my body and gut for leading me to the initial realization of what was going on.
You’re a gem. I’m sorry you’re here, yet grateful you’ve made it this far. Very Inspiring
Thank you. I appreciate it. It felt good to put it into words.
so glad you found CL, so glad we all did! Before finding my STBX’s adult friend finder account and discovering he had been lying, cheating, having M2M sex for years, I told him I knew in my gut something was wrong. I asked if he was cheating on me, but would have never guessed it was with men. I begged him to tell me, told him he was my best friend, we could figure it out… he not only lied to my face, but told me I was crazy, did not know where I got this stuff from…hope he rots in hell
Me too! I also gave my husband several chances to talk about it, but he chose to deny everything and go on the offensive and sacrifice me in order to save himself and his closet. Even though my gut knew, I spent 2 months gathering proof because I had older children and I wanted to be sure I was making the right decision. The day I made the decision, I switched from helpless and confused to the one in control and he became the one who was in shock. It was the best feeling ever.
As an aside, I read a quote somewhere that said something like, it always begins with a lie, what you decide to do about it determines the rest of your life.
I was busy thinking of which to write about (just so many quotable quotes from the dbag) then he suddenly sent an email to my kids telling them about this Black musician who played in a bar frequented by Klan members. The Black musician, he said, was willing to sit down and talk with the Klan members so they could understand each other more. All leading to his point that HE is misunderstood, it was all a miscommunication, and that he is like the Black musician in his story. Wow, I love how he is always the protagonist in any story. And how he essentially called my kids Klan members.
Trying to reason with the klan is no more productive than trying to reason with a FW. That musician was wasting his time. Good thing we’re no longer wasting our time trying to get toxic people to learn to dwell in reality.
FW is stupid, so he doesn’t realize that he is the klan and you and your kids were the black musician. No more music for FW. Boo fucking hoo.
Oh, just wow. So many levels of fucked up with that analogy.
What a slimy disgusting puke Adam WHO?!!
And her? They should actually just be together. His wife is an actual
Model. Who I hope gets to read this post and learn about CN♥️
A recent text -(parens are my editorial comments)…
Deny: It’s no point in discussing our past (were we discussing it? I must have missed that part). You know why I left. Attack: You just don’t want to take any responsibility at all. That’s fine. I’ve explained to you by phone, text, email and messenger many times (his expanation was “you know why I left!!”)
Reverse Victim: I’ll end up with a nickname like the others (yeah, ‘ex-husband’ if all goes as planned), you’ll blame me for everything and that’s fine (yep, humiliating me by rubbing schmoopie in my face? I do blame you for that. Guilty as charged)
Reverse Offender: You are happy now, that’s all that matters. I’m happy for you and for him. I really am. I’m sure he’s a fantastic guy. I want you to be happy with a man you love, respect and can be intimate with. You deserve that.
My ex emailed me an apology in which he said that to get out from under the “unhealthy guilt” he felt, he needed to apologize to me for… telling me he loved me. It was a big lie and in his new and enlightened world, he is all about honesty.
He copied his mistress/wife on it.
After D Day and I kicked him out the basement til he could find a place and leave, STBX FW couldn’t handle what he’d done to his pregnant wife (with twins) that he decided to write me a ‘suicide note’ and call the AP then his sister to ‘say goodbye’. Sister texted me to go help him to which I rushed down two flights of stairs from my 2 older children (pregnant) to stop FW from taking a bottle of benzos. He went to a 30 day treatment facility for mental health and substance abuse that I paid for. Just to later find out he retained counsel prior. Took me 5 months and giving birth and therapy to realize he was never suicidal. He only couldn’t handle it. So literally made himself became the victim. DARVO at it’s finest. My twins are 5 mo old now. FW is in ‘the best place he’s ever been.’ Good thing I ‘saved his life.’
Wow. DARVO at its finest, indeed.
Good luck to you with those little ones.
CNMof4 – Does his “best place” include fulltime employment?
Overnight, my FW’s best move came to me: in front of our kid, she’d regularly say some variant of, “None of your father’s girlfriends can [fill in whatever she was doing at the moment] like I can.”
It pained me deeply to have to keep saying I didn’t have and would never have another woman, since I was married. And of course, the whole time, she had boyfriends (plural).
I still shudder at the memory.
Let me get this straight. She regularly told your kid you were cheating on her with multiple women, whilst she was cheating with multiple men? She’s a psychopath. That’s emotional abuse of both you and the child.
Is your kid okay now, or is the psycho still at it?
It’s scares me to even think of that level of evil. No wonder you shudder at the memory.
My kid is mostly okay, but is having to play to the FW (who feeds lines about awful dad), and is receding from me. It hurts far worse than the divorce. Which pleases FW, of course.
Talk about epic level of projection…what an effing sociopathic POS.
Poet– In a word, what a sick fuck. I’m sure she made herself expediently believe her own malarkey. I consider that kind of behavior to be on some kind of psychopathic spectrum. She’s in fine company. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/shadow-boxing/202201/the-serial-killer-btk-and-the-concept-cubing
Yes, no one believes in her angelic nature more than she does. I’ve heard from mutual friends that she’s telling people -I’m- a narcissist!
Nothing as good as all the comments here, but fuckwit stated on his FS, ” this whole process has made me ill”. ????????????
As if it had absolutely nothing to do with him.
Right? My fw when he got busted in rank (fucking his direct report) lamented that the mayor stabbed him in the back because he had been loyal to the mayor. How is it loyal to your boss to lead them into a lawsuit situation by lying to them about what you are doing and pretending to be something you are not. Just because the boss doesn’t say “hey are you fucking the ugly dog catcher” doesn’t mean you are being loyal to them. Lies are lies whether they are overt lies or lies of omission.
My ex-wife claimed that it was an unloving marriage, I had worked so much, that she didn’t want to bother me with her personal needs, which wouldn’t have been attended to.
Later it changed to me gaslighting her.
The affair partner was “just a friend”.
I had read the messages these two friends exchanged, and knew what they were up to: Not just friends.
It infuriated me so much at the time.
At one point I received an email in which she stated that I was right and that stepped outside the marriage. That email was later forgotten.
[This won’t match up exactly w/CL’s DARVO word salad, but is more just sad sausage stories. Apologizing up front about that.]
I’m afraid I don’t pay much attention to anything news-wise other than NPR or CNN usually, so for reporting on fuckwit-related news, CL is my usual source. And since I’ve been out on short-term disability since August began from my job as a FedEx Express courier due to a foot injury I incurred at home, I haven’t been paying much attention even to NPR or CNN, sad to say. Yes, there’s a reason you all have been hearing from me more lately. Listening mainly to audiobooks right now instead.
So I can definitely recommend a good audiobook read, e.g., J.K. Rowling’s C.B. Strike series, under her pen name of Robert Galbraith. It’s been enjoyable. The female co-lead is dealing w/a cheating fuckwit partner (I hope that’s not ruining things for anyone interested, but I thought CN would like to know that), and J.K. Rowling is slowly revealing the mindfuck as the books progress while keeping up the murder mysteries. Btw, the Cinemax series made out of it is very well done too, and is also available on HBO MAX for us non-Britain dwellers, who get to see it first (Somebody should be paying me for this plug!????).
I have wondered if J.K. Rowling has dealt w/this in her life, as she seems to understand narcissistic fuckwits very well (Voldemort was a powerful, evil, murdering, sociopathic/narcissistic fuckwit, wasn’t he?). I’m pretty sure she was married and divorced after having at least one child before writing Harry Potter. Maybe she’s experienced it first hand, or she’s just that good of an author to be able to grasp and show the awful dynamics of dealing w/a fuckwit. My feeling is that it’s both.
Ok, sorry for going off on tangents!Back to the challenge! The only sad sausage stories I can think of right now (other than fictional ones) involves the FW XW. Surprise, surprise.????
Since she was/is a covert narcissist (in my opinion), she didn’t display too much in the way of sad sausage, but here’s what I’ve got. Two instances come to mind.
First, post D-day, she told me to basically stop playing the victim. I’m not sure if she was saying I was overdoing it by showing how hurt I was by her exit-affairing me, or what. But I did get the distinct impression that she thought that I was making too much of it, and/or that she was suffering as well, and I didn’t see her crying all over the place, did I? Nice bit of narcissism backed up w/DARVO overtones.
The second was when she came back post D-day for one of her talks w/me, in an attempt for some type of closure for both of us (I think it was more for me, though). I mean, she had her new life and new guy to flounce off to, right? Who needs closure when you’ve got your rich, older, married fuckwit boss renting a brand-new condo a half mile down the street from where you’ve left your husband in what’s supposed to be your marital house?!
She got a call as we were discussing our mutual grievances from the past and in her exit-affairing me when her phone rang. Now, as I had a job that paid less at that point than hers and had worse insurance, both the kids and I were under her job’s insurance.
But, by fucking the boss, she’d lost her job (they gave her a couple of months to find a new one) and she’d been trying like crazy to line something up job-wise ASAP (w/her new partner trying to call in favors for her, I have no doubt) but hadn’t found anything yet. And we were starting to look into filing for Medicaid.
[What? You want your affair partner’s fellow cronies to find employment for your 15 years younger than him yet still middle-age stupid ass just because you’ve been fucking each other clandestinely without your respective loving spouses knowing for at least months, and because now you’ve decided to fuck over those two spouses totally by exit-affairing them? And you’re having trouble finding a job because everybody knows what a heinous thing you’ve done due to the gossip in a small city/state? I don’t understand! What could possibly be causing you any difficulty?!????????????]
So, it turned out the phone call was a State agency that was willing to give her a job w/fairly good benefits (again, not unlikely that the fuckwit pulled strings to get her this offer, but I really have no fucking clue). She then tells me what has just occurred after I prompted her to talk about it (I guessed what had happened to some extent), and she revealed she’d finally gotten a good job offer that would cover her, the kids, and me insurance-wise (my job really sucked for insurance, and I was still in major shock from D-day and hadn’t come close to figuring out my moves to get independent).
Me, being half in the mindset of the Pick-Me!-dance, saw her starting to cry (rare for her), and awkwardly asked her if she wanted a hug. She nodded and said yes, and like an idiot, I gave her one (a bad and awkward one). It occurred to me that she was finally feeling some of the consequences of her affair, by losing her job and jeopardizing the health and safety of herself and her kids. I’m pretty sure I was an afterthought, if she thought of me at all, in regards to my welfare.
So, she fucks our love, marriage and family up, realizes it, then wants me to console her and be there for her. Poor, poor sad sausage!???? And like the idiot I was at that point, I did. It was awful and awkward and not well done, but still… Probably #1 in my list of regretted things I’ve done in my life. At least I know I’m not alone in doing stupid things I regret playing the Pick-Me!-dance post D-day, and can somewhat forgive myself. Thank you CL and CN!
As for mindfuck award categories, I’m low on blood sugar right now, so the only thing I can think of is the “I hope we can still be friends” subsection. God, how awful that is to hear. It may not be DARVO, but it really made my head want to spin around and off when the FW XW said that to me.
Hoping everybody had a good weekend. I’ve got eat and then take a walk. Best wishes to all.
I know it’s late, but this juicy one just happened today so I had to share. So, after years of witnessing the FW torment me, my daughter is done with him and has told him that’s why. I repeatedly encouraged him to make amends with her and even set up a therapy appointment for them together. The therapist found him disengaged and didn’t think another appointment would be useful.
So FW has now told me;
“You’re the reason I don’t have a good relationship with her! You keep coming between us!” ????????
I can just shrug off this kind of thing and laugh at it now. He has a dimwitted therapist he gets ideas from that are almost as dumb as his own. Another howler he got from Dr. Punchworthy, PHD was; “You cause your own feelings.”
Epiphany! I caused my feelings by abusing myself! I forgot all about how I slap myself across the face with a codfish and call myself a doodyhead. I also cheat on myself with drummers from lousy tribute bands. Mea maxima culpa.
OHFFS Must be a blessed relief to the see the backend of that tosser in your rearvision mirror
There must be a mistake! Victoria ‘s Secret models don’t get cheated on… That only happens to people who are older, heavier, undesirable, losers, right? This is a perfect example to remind everyone you don’t get cheated on because of your issues, but because of the cheater’ s issues,. ie, they’re assholes.