In breaking news, good things happen to lousy people.
Many of you have written in since Queen Elizabeth died last Thursday to express outrage that Camilla Parker Bowles/Duchess of Cornwall/Lady Horseyface of Frumpshire — mistress and wife of King Charles, tormentor of Princess Diana — is now officially Camilla Queen Consort.
(Chump Lady excuses herself to examine her split ends.)
Look, Camilla’s probably been measuring the drapes over at Buckingham Palace for awhile now. Does it matter? It’s not as if we’re going to be invited to tea and have to genuflect to one of her beagles or something. I don’t think we travel in the same circles.
But, but… she was a mistress!
So was Anne Boleyn, and look how that turned out.
Okay, okay, Camilla’s not the quality person you envisaged for Queen. But the British Empire doesn’t exactly have a squeaky clean reputation either. Ask Ireland, Kenya, and India how they know.
Yes, what royal biographer won’t forget the cringetacular details of Charles’ and Camilla’s sexy talk.
CHARLES: Oh stop! I want to feel my way along you, all over you and up and down you and in and out . . .
CHARLES: Particularly in and out.
CAMILLA: Oh, that’s just what I need at the moment.
CHARLES: Is it?
CHARLES: Oh, God. I’ll just live inside your trousers or something. It would be much easier!
CAMILLA: (laughing) What are you going to turn into, a pair of knickers? (Both laugh). Oh, you’re going to come back as a pair of knickers.
CHARLES: Or, God forbid, a Tampax. Just my luck! (Laughs)
CAMILLA: You are a complete idiot! (Laughs) Oh, what a wonderful idea
Could anything be more mortifying than the future king imagining himself as a tampon? That exchange probably did more to delegitimize the British monarchy than generations of colonial freedom fighters.
CN, what do we say here when an OW wins the sparkly turd?
Good luck with that.
Camilla wins Charles. A man who, if his eyes were set any closer together, would be a cyclops.
A guy who’s idea of foreplay is probably discussing organic soil Ph.
A schlub who didn’t get a job until he was 73 years old.
Do you envy her? This life of ribbon cuttings and silly hats?
Isn’t it punishment enough that she has to endure a public existence knowing that everyone thinks of her Tampax?
Imagine the charity fetes. Opening the Munificent Hospital for Afflicted Corgis and all attending will, at some moment, envision Her Royal Majesty’s cooch.
And they won’t stop imagining.
When did she get her last period? The Clinton administration?
Camilla lives her karma.
All hail the Tampon Queen.