People say a lot of stupid, insensitive things to chumps. It’s everything from the grossly mistaken — “Gee, the affair partner doesn’t seem all that bad!” To the dunderheaded smugness of, “I’m so glad my husband would never cheat on me.” (Bully for you.)
Chumps, being pretty nice people, are usually taken completely off guard. Did you really just say that? To help you identify Stupid Shit Other People Say, I’ve broken it down into a few categories.
1. Your Misfortune Is Very Threatening to Me. See “dunderheaded smugness” above. If a comment seems oddly competitive — “I’m so lucky that my biggest marital crisis was my husband buying a Trans Am!” — you can rest assured that this person is deeply freaked out by you. So let’s heartily avow that Bad Things could never, ever happen to them. Why did a bad thing happen to you? Well, because you brought it on yourself. And in that respect, we’re very, very different people. Unless we’re not. In which case your misfortune may be contagious, so I’m going to avoid you entirely in any case to make sure I don’t catch it.
2. You’re Doing It All Wrong. You know what you need right now? Someone yelling at you from the sidelines of your life. “You should wait 6 months before you make a decision. You didn’t wait 6 months? OMG! Everyone knows you have to wait 6 months!” Chances are this person has never experienced your particular calamity, but they are well versed in exactly how you are fucking this up. You really should thank them. No? What’s wrong with you?
3. Damning with Faint Comparisons. Let’s say you share that your wife cheated on you with 15 men she met on Craigslist. This is the person formerly-known-as-your-friend who replies, “Wow. That reminds me of like, when my car wouldn’t start. I thought it was the battery, but no, the whole alternator was bad. Cost me $700. Can you believe it?” No. No we cannot believe it.
4. Norman Vincent Unreal. “Think outside the box! Shift the paradigm! Breathe!” Are you feeling suicidal? Norman has exactly the right sunny cliche to make it all better. “Everything happens for a reason.” You can’t find a reason? “Every cloud has a silver lining!” Please God make him stop. “A smile is just a frown turned upside down!” “You’ll find someone when you least expect it!” “It’s always darkest before the dawn!”
So I’m curious — what sort of stupid shit did other people say to you? (Not including the cheater, of course, who has their own page of Stupid Shit entirely.)
This column ran previously.
My friend said, “Watching what’s happened to you and the FW has made our marriage much stronger and we’re so much happier now.”
As I’m still the only one in my former social circle that this has happened to, I’m sure my coupled up friends think the same thing.
You’re probably not the “only one in your social circle.” I’m always suprised what people hide.
Also, statistically half of those folks saying that have been cheated on or are currently being cheated on.
susie lee, Or, they’re cheating.
Dear God. That is mind bogglingly cruel. I hope she’s no longer your friend! 👿
wow. So does that mean she was a weak and unhappy chump? Formerly, I hope “that besides having gained a life, you lost this “friend”
Let’s just say that I cooled it off by always being busy when they invited me places! I didn’t want it get back to FW that I told them off. Also, they were Switzerland friends until FW pissed them off then they wanted to complain about him to me. Unreal.
WOWWWWWWWW the urge to strike must have been strong.
I can’t see much difference between what your friend said and “Whenever I hear of poor children getting brain cancer because their housing development was built next to a Superfund dump due to geographical racism, it makes me so happy to be white and middle class…” or “I love driving by fatal wrecks because it makes me happy to be a good driver.”
Wow too many to count. Here’s a few:
(1) from another parent at my friend’s elementary school who just found out what happened “You cannot divorce. You must win him back. This is for your child.”
(2) FW’s grandma “use your feminine wiles to win him back”
(3) a woman in my ladies group (we’d met every month): “I’ll bet you’re getting rid of a lot of furniture and having to move houses. I don’t have to because I’m still married.”
(4) a friend: “There’s no way FW did this. He is such a good dad. I just don’t see it.” (To be fair, she did come around. We were all in shock and hoodwinked by the cover narcissist)
(5) everyone who said “he’ll come running back. They always do.” He didn’t. They don’t. I’m thankful.
(6) a trainer at my gym “he wasn’t getting his needs met at home. That’s always the case …you just can’t admit it.” (he’s no longer my trainer)
My FW’s “needs” were, apparently, anal sex. I cannot physically perform this act, so he had no choice but to cheat. Hope Schmoopie enjoys being sodomized by a guy with a heavy porn habit and resulting delayed ejaculation.
No take backs!
Asshat consistently requested this. I repeatedly tried and repeatedly told him that it was too painful. He just didn’t care.
It is the one thing I think about whether Schmoopie can accomodate.
Painfull it is, my ex raped me in a situation he knew I would not fight . His new wife better like it or he will rape her also .
Jesus. It’s like they’re all the same…this was a favorite request of mine and the reason he used for not touching me for over a year…
At some point in the “full disclosure” part of the RIC fiasco, FW confessed that Schmoops reported having anal sex in the past. I couldn’t suppress my “ick” reaction and he got defensive, sputtering “I didn’t know you had such strong prohibitions against that!” But I wasn’t imagining this in the context of responsible couples carefully practicing their mutually preferred kink but the reality of two drunken, irresponsible, callous slobs driving drunk on the freeway, rawdogging each other and exposing me and my children to whatever without our knowledge or consent. My reaction had little to do with morality but facts and stats and what this meant regarding my own health– like the fact Schmoopie refused to use condoms and the 230% to 310% increased risk that people who engage in unprotected anal will be infected with STDs and the increased risk of delayed diagnosis. As a measure of how high the risk of infection is, I was thinking of reports of teen girls ending up on colostomy bags because of the generation of men raised on PornHub who demand what they see in streaming videos. Meanwhile more than half of gay men apparently won’t do it because a lot of measures are required to avoid permanent injury and increased risk of infection and not everyone thinks it’s worth it. I was also having an intrusive head film of his dumpy Schmoopie using one of those training kits where people shove progressively larger plugs up their butts over a period of weeks or months to stretch their sphincter muscles. But that’s only if it was a carefully planned activity within past relationships rather than an unplanned bang during one of her Tinder hookups– which, again, increases the specter of STIs.
And what’s even worse, FW went gape-mouthed when I rattled off all the above. He was completely ignorant of any of the risks he was subjecting me to. He hadn’t even bothered to Google any of it. So I stand by my “ick” reaction. It’s like he just announced he’d been exposed to ebola after using my toothbrush.
Yep apparently that was something ap would engage in with him. Texts or emails she shared with me referenced their first hookup ” It was like a movie scene when you came into the hotel room and immediately kissed me, then we spent the night exploring each others bodies” trust me that thought is enough to make you throw up. He had not used any protection during any of their encounters. She said she felt safe with him since you knew he was only with me and no other woman and I was a faithful wife.
YEP I was and he didn’t care and was ignorant to the risks he was taking and exposing me too without my knowledge.
Too bad they didn’t “explore” each other under lights strong enough to find genital lesions. (bleurgh)
I don’t think FW in my case was too assured of how clean and disease-free the AP was since he hid from her the fact that he repeated STD testing four times throughout the affair. Dumbass didn’t know there was no reliable test for men for the asymptomatic cancer-causing strains of HPV or the rate of false negatives for online testing labs. Consequently I’ll be in stirrups every six months for the next decade or so.
When I was sent to a new GYN for the testing and had to explain why, she asked, “So where’s he buried?”
Were you married to my ex? Lol.
My mother came through for me ” he did?!!!! Take him for everything” this was SO amazing as she was a big fan of his.
Feminine wiles insinuations are so insulting. After I moved out of my home into a friend’s place to get away from my serial cheating FW when he became physically abusive, I told that friend how disgusted I was when FW casually invited me to join him and a visiting friend (who was dying of cancer) for ice cream cones, as if he hadn’t just beaten me up and screwed me over, and we’d all have some wholesome fun together. I declined, but my “friend’s” response was that were she in my place, she would’ve gotten dolled up and made him see what he was missing. The thought of seeing, let alone dressing up for, that abusive POS made me feel sick. And to have to fake nice and easy, because I wasn’t about to put a dying man in the middle of it? How gross.
Soon after, she commented that if it had been her partner, she probably would have stayed. She was one of the few confidantes I’d told about most of what happened (though I was still protecting FW back then, she knew plenty to know it was an unhealthy, and increasingly dangerous, situation). Needless to say, grateful as I was for the temporary housing she offered for a couple of months when I was in dire straits… I moved away and stopped responding to her calls, texts and cards. Haven’t regretted it, though I was disappointed and sad at first.
The one that made me the madness was, “My husband knows if he cheats on me, I will kill him.” So infuriating!
“I’m a stronger person than you are. Only the weak get cheated on. Also the threat of murder keeps my spouse in line.”
Wow, who knew that saving up for your murder defense retainer was part of planning a wedding these days?
Same here. It was something like, “ you’re too nice. I’ve got mine on a really tight leash.”
Water really does find its own level.
Yeah, a tighter leash might have actually worked on my Ex, and not only around the cheating. But guess what? I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone I have to keep on a tight leash. I’d much rather be with someone who, like me, doesn’t need a leash to act like a caring adult.
A male friend told me, after I said I cannot have those 24 years back. “And what about his 24 years?” I am still devastated.
Yep….mine was effing around the whole 26, traveling all the time on”business”, robbing our family of time, money, emotional support. He was having a blast, then he’d come home on the weekend sometimes and soak up our love and adoration. Glad you ditched the trainer and the FW.
Oh Hera, that’s awful. Cheating, divorce and other related fuckwittery shows you the true character of your friends. Sometimes that hurts because you see that yet *another* person isn’t who you thought they were.
Also this reminds me of FW. I lost everything in the divorce. He got the house, I got the retirement account which was immediately used to pay my lawyer and half his credit card debt.
He said “but it’s MY retirement, too!”
Poor, poor sad sausage. Barf.
@ Battletempered Lionheart
“Sometimes that hurts because you see that yet *another* person isn’t who you thought they were.”
(also, magnificent username)
Thank you, RT. I’ve carried your affirmation with me for days now.
“There’s two sides to every story” my response.. ‘yeah, his and the truth’ followed by cutting them out of my life.
I got “there are 3 sides: your side, his side & the truth.” What the everloving f@#k?! This from a long term coworker.
Hey, there’s even a logical fallacy for that!
Thanks for that, Poet. I had to go look that up and I’m repeating to myself “Golden mean fallacy, golden mean fallacy, golden mean fallacy” so it automatically pops out of my mouth if I hear someone spewing that garbage. Of course I would choose the fanciest way of saying it because the kind of know-it-all who would say such a thing is exactly the type of person to feel threatened by terms they don’t understand. All the more fun if you can say it in Latin: “argumentum ad temperantiam.” 😉
I love this example from that page: “Andy thinks that Michigan is south of Indiana, but Linda believes it is north of Indiana. Thus, it must be west of Indiana.”
Or just keep it simple: fuckwit fallacy. My ex got so far with this kind of “logic.” I knew he was wrong but could never respond in the moment.
From SIL: “It’s just so hard to know what’s true, because I hear different things from both of you. It’s all so confusing.” Confusing, yes… I’ll give her that. I didn’t, but should have, asked why she would believe her brother — who was an alcoholic and addict who hid things from us all for many years, who she said made her so confused about what was true/what she felt when she tried to talk to him, and who’d covered up and lied about multiple affairs (and more) for nearly a decade — instead of me, who’d been an honest, calm, kind and loyal presence in their family’s life for fifteen years. I just took it, in the moment, but it sunk in soon after and helped me feel confident about my choice to cut contact with the entire family.
When I get this comment I reply with a screenshot of his online sex addict profile and ask, which part of this was a reasonable story?
Or even “there are two sides to every story”! Yeah his, and then there’s the screenshots!
This one also pisses me off because obviously you living your life did not require lies and deception. Shouldn’t one be less inclined to believe the story put out by the guy who said he was working late but actually getting BJs in a parking lot?
Teddy, probably said by a cheater. The truth is that if your FW was sooooo miserable he had to cheat, he could have done the honorable thing and divorced you first.
Ex was a ‘Jesus-cheater’, so in response to this type of comment, my retort: “There is only one side, it is God’s side and we better be on it!” As in, God TOTALLY condemns adultery, there is absolutely NO justification for it in any way, shape or form, so do not give me this ‘2-sides’ bull. Adultery is ALWAYS wrong. ForgeOn! great Nation
So true…mentioned twice in the 10 commandments
I got that from an aquaintance. Also, “Oh well, these things happen” and “We’re not taking sides” from a neighbor.
My reply, it seems you have already judged and judged me to deserve this treatment.
the myth of mutuality is the one that pisses me off the most (as it does for any victim of abuse)- “it takes two to tango”
Uuuugh, the two to tango one. I hate that one.
Yeah, and a third to cut in.
My response to ‘It takes two to tango’ (from a religious friend): getting slammed to the floor repeatedly isn’t dancing. Idiot. Yeah, we aren’t friends anymore.
A friend of his said “It takes two to tango.” My response seemed to shock him .” And only one of them to mess both up”.
Or my more crass reply: “…only takes one to fuck up the dance.”
OMG! All these comments are so horrible!!! It pains me to read them.
I waited 6 months to tell my mother because I knew her comments would hurt. Well, I only got one question…”did you sleep without underwear like I told you to?” Then back to talking about her.
I considered myself lucky.
Too bad you can’t divorce your mother.
She’s been dead for a while.
Long enough for me to recover from a lifetime of not being “enough”. Insert pretty, smart, thin, outgoing, friendly…
God bless my self-confidence 😂
Are you my sister?????
Yeah, the not being “enough” to one’s mother cuts deep. After my divorce, our relationship was better for several reasons–because my divorce humanized me in her eyes and because I gained (through therapy) some understanding of her own demons and limitations. It also helped that I decided to limit contact to phone calls and short visits–during which I would be unfailingly kind, positive, and patient–hence the shortness of the visits, because my patience was limited to 3-day stints before it was hard to maintain.
Near the end of her life, she said to me “I think I didn’t appreciate you when you were younger.” A staggering admission on her part, which meant a lot–but it also made me sad because of the damage of my “not being enough” to her did to me and our relationship. And I’m sad to this day because I know we couldn’t really have an authentic relationship because she was so reflexively defensive.
I’m betting you were advised to wear lipstick and put color on your cheeks too.
I also avoiding telling my father. My mother had dementia so I couldn’t talk with and she would die during this process. I was relieved when my father’s response was “why would he do that?” He was so disappointed in Asshat. He told me awhile later after he processed it, “I only have one question to ask Asshat. What would his (dead) mother think of him?”
My dad got it.
Wow, I wish mine was like that!! What a great response from your father.
My father told me that men have needs.
I had a “friend” that said that he cheated because I didn’t make him nachos. WTF?
And then he took the wifetress to Cancun for their honeymoon. Who knew that the way to honesty and fidelity was Mexican food?
Well, he’s “nacho” problem any more. #QueBueno
Wow! Taco bout a bad pun! : ) #dontblockme
Just think now you are Nacho Libre!
My close friend who came from a family of cheaters: “You know, this OW is going to be a part of your life now. It’s time accept it and figure out a way to live with her in your and your kids’ lives.” Not the worst advice really, but she said it way too soon and I definitely didn’t try to accept the OW. Luckily, FW and OW’s fantasy came to an up-in-flames end with minimal direct contact (despite her attempts to be the new sister wife in charge.)
“The new sister wife in charge” is such an apt description.
Fortunately, the same happened in my case, where FW and OW’s relationship went down in flames, so she was out of my kid’s life for good, thank god.
I got the same advice from an unsympathetic public lawyer: “she’s a part of your kid’s life now. It’s on you to find a way to live with her.” I began to cry (it was all still fresh) and the lawyer didn’t even look up from her paperwork. She had no time for my nonsense, it felt like.
Not bad advice though but it’s devastating to hear in the early days. I prayed for FW and GF#3’s relationship to go up in flames. It never did, they’ve now been married for longer than FW and I were, she’s been my kids’ “other mom” since they were in diapers, and… yeah, that heartless lawyer was right. She’s a part of my life and it’s on me to find a way to handle that. (Epilogue: it took me years but eventually I handled it with rules, boundaries, and No Contact. FW and Wifetress aren’t actually a part of my life (even if they are a major part of my kids’ lives), I never see them and that feels fantastic.)
DOES YOUR KIDS KNOW ?
It doesn’t matter what they do or don’t know. She’s their stepmother.
– Oh well, you two didn’t look that happy anyway.
– oh, that’s awful but I need to hear his side of the story, there’s always 2 sides you know!
I think the worst comments actually came from my mom. I can’t remember all of them but they all had the same narrative in the sense like “everyone deserves a second chance” and “what are you going to do, you think you’re gonna find someone better? it’s not that easy..” ..after I found out he cheated on me our entire 7 year relationship with around 20 different women.
It’s for the best. You’d never have left him, and he wasn’t good enough for you. Affairs happen. People separate all the time. You’ve just got to always say positive things about him because you don’t want it to damage the kids. But him fucking my friend, then moving straight in with her to play step dad to her kids didn’t damage them. Must be me calling him a prick that did it! 😱
And also, she must be nice, after all she was your friend, so you did used to like her 😂
Maybe some people are able to view spouses like they view their clothing, and swap out old clothes for new whenever they see something cute….but I can’t. Geez. “People separate all the time.” No wonder there are so many messed up people out there. They are being fed the line that it is “normal”. So just snap out of it!! Because PTSD is so easy to just get over. Grrrr.
When someone really loves his wife, he’ll look at her and always see the beautiful young woman he fell in love with. When he really loves his wife, he doesn’t need a new one every five years like a car lease-buy option or something.
I honestly don’t know what divine intervention kept me from all these horrible experiences, but all my friends and family were crazy supportive. Telling me what FW did is off the charts wrong, showing up to help me move, offering free childcare, sending cards of encouragement, giving me rides to court and my attorney, sending food, taking me out, staying in with me. When FW started disappearing, FWs dad, who I found out through this process is an adulterer himself, told me to “start wearing edible panties”, I shot right back to him, “he’s never home to eat them, so what good is that going to do?” Like father like son, FW and FW Jr. When the truth came out, my daughter was 11. She once said to me “AP is nice, so maybe what daddy did isn’t that bad.” I just ignored. She’s a child who wants to love her dad and see him as a good person.
There are just so many. People tend to be insensitive.
a. Well he never seemed happy (he was sulky man child who was always unhappy when things did not go his way)
b. You work too much (yes, I had a job and the responsibilities that come with it which means you have to show up and work. It also provided a lot of things that we would not have had without the extra income)
c. At least your son is an adult and you don’t have to worry about custody (as if this did not impact my son at all)
d. You need to forgive him, these things happen (it was an accident. He didn’t mean to spend money on Schmoopie and hookers? WTF?)
e. Well, everyone cheats (they do????? I didn’t so I guess I am not normal.)
f. He is such a nice guy (nice guys don’t lie and cheat. Nice guys don’t have hooker habits)
g. What did you do to him? (why does it have anything to do with me? It is his lack of character, morals and integrity)
h. You have to take half the blame here because a marriage is 50/50 (this from the RIC)
The great thing is I no longer have to walk on eggshells and try to sense his moods. My son (who is no contact with FW) feels more comfortable coming home and bringing friends with him. My parents spend a lot more time with me (they were never comfortable with FW around). There are definitely benefits to getting rid of a cheater.
“At least…” *anything* is *always* inappropriate.
I think that I’ve mentioned this one before, but someone that I used to consider a friend asked me “What do you think that now-Ex Mrs LFTT’s AP has that you don’t?”
My response was “A drink problem and low standards … rather like her.”
I am no longer in contact with my former friend, because he can f*ck right off with that sh*t.
I was fortunate not to hear these comments about my situation. But a (former) friend insisted that a fictional mistress in a book were both reading “experienced even more pain than the wife/mother”. I was able to explain to her about agency and the advantage of having all the facts. Same (former) friend was adamant that a “cold wife” contributed to the biggest sex/pharmaceutical scandal in our state. Bleh.
“Men need to be needed”. My “friend” said this because she felt my husband was cheating with one of his university students AND our secretary because I was too self-sufficient. (Of course, I was self-sufficient because he was NEVER around)
And if you weren’t self sufficient he would have blamed that. Excuses for the cheater/cheater apologists, are so easy to pop out of their ass.
Whenever I did anything that he said he would do (after waiting sometimes years for the task to be accomplished), he would say I had emasculated him.
I bet you served bagged salad, too!
I had the same comment from a friend. So aggravating!
You share a child. You’ll be friends again someday.
I actually didn’t really get any comments like these. I didn’t tell many people, only the ones who I knew would support me (mom, therapist, lawyer, best friend). All our mutual friends dropped me like a hot potato, so I never got any commentary on the situation from them, at least not directed at me. I saw a few comments on social media where they were congratulating/supporting FW and OW’s relationship. Which sucked. Including a mutual friend who had divorced her husband for cheating on her. I wouldn’t have thought she’d support FW’s affair, but she did. But honestly, I am not even all that angry. FW was a consummate liar, so I’m sure no one was forming opinions based on the truth. FW and OW lied about the timeline as well, to make it sould like they got together AFTER FW filed for divorce, but in reality they’d already been together for 3 1/2 years.
My son used to ask me things like whether I liked OW, and I was just honest and said no. I said she’d been a bully to me and I don’t play with bullies. But I told him it was okay if he did like her, because we don’t have to have the same friends. He was only 6/7, so I didn’t really get into things. Now that he’s a bit older, I have set the record straight about OW a bit, because FW and OW lied to him a lot about the breakups (ours and theirs), and I think he deserves to know what really happened (minus the gory details, obviously).
“I think he deserves to know what really happened…” Yes he does, I SawTheLight!
>I’m sure no one was forming opinions based on the truth.
Yeah, but they certainly didn’t ask to hear your side of things, did they?
These people sucked. Glad you’re rid of them.
Yeah, not one person asked my side of the story. And no one even asked me if I was okay. I’d known some of them for 15 years. They’d known OW for a matter of a few months. I cut every mutual “friend” out of my life and I’m better for it.
This is my fave of all the stupid advice I got;
Idiot said; “If you feel you have to break up over it, you should at least forgive and just be friends. My brother was married for 20 years when his wife had an midlife crisis. She had an affair and left him for a younger guy in a band. They are all good friends now and everybody’s happy.”
I said; “I’m sorry your brother has so little self respect that he’d be friends with the lying bitch who cucked and dumped him for some overgrown teenager. I hope for your sake that a steak of masochism doesn’t run in the family, because only a masochist would be happy in his situation.”
You should have seen his face.😄
But hey, the schmoopie was in a band. Who could blame her, right?🙄 I bet he was a drummer. They usually are.
Keep in mind that FW was a serial cake eater with zero remorse, was a giant creeper pervert who took video and pics of every AP encounter, mocked my trauma response, bragged about his affairs on post boards, gaslight, kept “working late” after Dday and would always threaten suicide daily as his last ditch attempt to both keep me on his hook but also show the world what a heartless demon I was for leaving while he was so suicidal.
Neighbor: “A man like that deserves a second chance. Only a good man could maintain a garden like that”.
Ummm… excuse me 😯
The only response to that is, “Yes, and Hitler liked dogs.”
That reminds me of my friend being shocked that a mutual friend of ours had been raped by her boyfriend: “But his parents are teachers!”
A friend that I was confiding deeply in, during the GF#3/Wifetress D-Days, said once, off the cuff: “I kind of feel bad for her. I mean, FW’s the bad guy here because he has a wife he’s cheating on, but she was single. She was cheating on no one. And here this turd comes along and lies to her and gets her in a relationship with him. I just feel bad for her too because he’s the only one doing anything wrong here.”
I just stared at my friend like he had grown a second head. Then I went on a (very uncharacteristic for me) free-fall rant which I won’t subject you too but the highlights included “she met us *as a couple* and knew he was married” and “I don’t feel bad for her! How could anyone?! She sent him texts to sneak out and come see her in the middle of the night!!” (Etc.)
My friend let me finish and then politely disagreed, noting that, in his opinion, there’s a certain amount of blame to pass around in this kind of situation and that only the married party deserves most of that blame. He allowed for a bit of a blame split (80-90% married cheater’s fault and 10-20% affair partner’s fault) but maintained that, unless they are also partnered up, an affair partner is mostly blameless.
I don’t hang out with this friend anymore. I didn’t dump him on the spot, as he was otherwise supportive and kind except for this *very weird take,* but I did phase out contact with him over the years (due to other factors unrelated here) and now I never see him at all and that feels good and right. Some friendships, even if they were good, weren’t meant to last.
Fourleaf, next time I go to Neiman Marcus, I’ll bring a big empty shopping bag and use this empty-headed logic to fill it with whatever I want.
Hey, I didn’t make vows to Neiman Marcus! It’s THEIR job to keep me from absconding with their merch. It’s mine for the taking if security lets me in!
Emily Ratajkowski is the latest supermodel with a baby to be cheated on. She, who has written a tome of feminist wisdom, also posted a bullshit vomit TikTok where she explains how cheating accomplices are not responsible. Blecch.
……of course the number one perp is the cheater. Duh. But to be a cheater, you need an accomplice. And accomplices are guilty of wrongdoing too. I would say the exception is an accomplice who is a minor…..
When someone told me they met the mistress I asked “What is she like?” Their response was “SHE has a lot of money.”
As if this somehow made her better than me who owned a business with my ex husband.
I spoke to my ex-mother-in-law shortly after D-day. She very matter-of-factly said of the OW – “yes, I’ve heard she’s young, attractive and very clever.” Still can’t believe she said that to me, having been married to her son for nearly 30 years. She also told me to “be patient.” I didn’t follow her advice.
From my MOTHER in front of my KIDS when I told her I was unable to visit her (at her nursing home that she hated) as often as I was bc I was struggling after DD—Why should I suffer bc you married that bastard!!!!! I told the kids to leave the room and went ballistic. Welp…1000s of visits and acts of love made me think I deserved a little compassion, but nope.
My mother also told me I should get a boa and spice things up. Which sadly is what a lot of people told me. Jokes such as AP must give the best BJs. (To which I dryly replied—No I do.) Since I knew the APs past relationships (she was a close friend) all became sexless, it is my sincere hope that my X is enjoying a sexless existence with his twu luv. Me? I’m enjoying me some carefree dating!
Sis, is that you? Seriously, Big City, sounds just like my mom. Compassion and empathy genes both missing from her DNA. Now she sits alone in her room in the assisted living facility and wonders why none of her kids visit. Um, look in the mirror?
Another one I hate is when people encourage you to stop feeling sorry for yourself and to start taking Christmas photos together because you’re all one big blended family now. This sentiment is rampant on social media and is usually posted in meme form by married friends who fantasize that, were they ever to divorced, they would happily sit next to their ex’s new partner at soccer games because a united front is “what’s best for the kids.”
The implication, of course, is that because I will not celebrate holidays or soccer games with FW and Wifetress, I am an unforgiving shrew who holds a grudge and can’t swallow her pride and put the kids first.
This sentiment always comes from those who were never cheated on. It comes from married friends and it comes from FW and it comes from FW’s parents.
I’m older and, hopefully, wiser now. I know that if something has never happened to me yet (like the death of a parent or the death of a child) then I have no right to pass judgement on something I simply have no experience with.
What’s Best For The Kids is to teach them to avoid people who stab other people in the back, to end a relationship ethically, keep the agreements you make, and not lie and deceive others.
THIS. When I explain what happened with our divorce to my son (he’s 10), my main point is the lack of RESPECT. To have a girlfriend while you are married, and to lie about it, is disrespectful, and I can’t be with someone who would disrespect me like that. I tell my son that he’s not obligated to be friends with, or spend time with, people who treat him badly. He is free to walk away. That’s why daddy and I couldn’t stay married. Daddy didn’t treat me well (I’ve even shared some of the abuse, in age-appropriate terms, though I told my son that I’m not ever telling him he can’t love his dad or have good memories [my ex died last year]; my son said “I have good memories and some not so good ones, but I think about the good ones). And I’ve ALWAYS stressed honesty.
These are FUNDAMENTAL to any relationship.
Cheating undeniably nukes trust with the children.
The cheater and the accomplices are unsafe and untrustworthy. Trust and safety are the inextricable qualities of a healthy relationship. I will NEVER promote someone as safe and trustworthy to my daughter. who is not. It would set her up to put unsafe and untrustworthy people in her own life. This is the reality that goes completely over the little tiny minds of cheaters and their accomplices. And it’s a consequence of cheating that they vehemently disavow.
A man who leaves his ten year old daughter home alone, with no phone, lies to her about where he is going, and rides his bike off to hook up with a cockroach hiding in a hotel room in town? NEITHER of them cares about the welfare of the child, and neither of them is qualified to be a caregiver for a child, and it’s too bad the legal system denies this.
Who was on duty with our daughter while he was out and about, lying about his whereabouts and who-abouts?
Me. And I remind him every motherfucking time he dares to tell me how much he cares about our daughter.
The legal system and their “it is always in the best interest of the children to have a relationship with each parent… “ BS, are lazy and clueless. It is NOT in the best interest of a child to be abused. Lied to, neglected, gaslit, invalidated, is all mind-fuckery and does more damage than is measurable. It makes me angry that judges and lawyers still push for 50/50, when that is the WORST thing a child can be subjected to.
My daughters want to live with me 100% and that is why I fought for that. I instinctively knew it was worth the fight so both my dukes were up and blazing.
Turns out FW is living with AP and her 2 daughters (replacement team players / tax write-offs) so my gut instincts were right all along.
I agree, Chumpadellic, 50/50 is bullshit. Maybe in a normal divorce and where the FW actually had a hand in equally raising the children. They have to pack up and live in two households. I would hate that as an adult, let alone a vulnerable child whose just had their version of reality destroyed
Most of these entitled pricks left the majority of parenting to the chump and then whine 50/50. FWs are too sparkly to parent sensibly
It’s normally to avoid paying fair maintenance
My DS has mental health issues, including saying he wishes he was dead. He needs his stability
“Most of these entitled pricks left the majority of parenting to the chump and then whine 50/50. FWs are too sparkly to parent sensibly. It’s normally to avoid paying fair maintenance”
My ex exactly. I was keeping my son full time during quarantine (since I was working from home and ex had to go into the office), but the MOMENT I asked for child support, ex was “miraculously” able to work from home part time.
In some, but not all, US states, it’s illegal to leave a minor under a certain age without supervision. Depends on state law.
Hmmm. Stupid Shit People Who Really Should Know Better Say:
Quite a few of the ones mentioned above unfortunately but there were also a few absolute pearlers from all directions:
Example 1 — Ex best female friend:
“Oh God, I wish [ExBFF’s husband] would have an affair.”
Picture my head spinning off its axis at this one while I was in the depths of despair and heartbreak.
Example 1A — Also Ex best female friend:
“He’s not coming back”
Said about my cheater, approx one hour after he ran off into the night after a fake tantrum.
Um. It’s the first night. I’m hysterical. Can I please have a minute to process my shock first before pronouncements are intoned from on high? K thanks.
Example 2 — my accountant (who now still does the “Swiss” banking of my exCheaterFW):
“You are both so different. It’s amazing it lasted so long!” 18 years by the time we were actually divorced, so yeah, long doncha think? I can’t even. She was fully aware he cheated on me however the narc missing empathy / sensitivity chip was duly noted.
Example 3 — My father:
“Well, you must have done **something**”
I sent him a text later saying something ranty about rape and skirt lengths, drinks consumed, consent, coercion etc to bring him up to #MeToo speed or at the least into the 21st century to clarify that I in no way deserved this abandonment and infidelity. And, no, I didn’t **do** anything to make either of my ex husbands cheat on me.
Example 4 — My sister:
“Why are you still referring to him as your ‘husband’?”
Like this was some terrible word, some completely outlandish concept and yet it was less than 6 months from D-Day at that point not to mention 15.5 years and I was still smoking hopium like a fiend not to mention in my country you have to be separated for a year before you can do anything legally to begin the process of divorce, a fact she well knew.
Example 5 — Brother #2:
“Everyone gets divorced! You need to get over it.” Pause. “I’ll never be divorced though.”
To this one I managed to quip, “Well, it’s your first marriage, and you do tend to think that with the first one.”
Example 5 — Said too many times to count by too many people in general:
“Well at least you don’t have children with him, thank goodness.”
This last one is honestly the WTF of all time.
I went through terminations, miscarriages and IVF with CheaterX. They can all GFT for saying that to me.
I have been told:
“He shows up for his access. The OW (wealthy home wrecking whore now wife) and her 4 children are good to your children. He is a good father.”
Every time someone tells me he was a bad husband to me but is a good father to them, I cry inside.
I was told to wait 6 months also. I filed 2 1/2 weeks later because she wasn’t repentant. “I am sorry but…” Also that only unhappy (with you) women cheat, so what did I do to cause her to cheat? That I deserved to be cheated on because of some issues (FOO) of mine and this was from my “best friend”. And the one that drove me nuts the most “you shouldn’t act like this…” when I was at my lowest of low. Like those who have had their lives blown up should be skipping and smiling down the street. Also I was judged harshly because I posted on FB that my old life ended at 9:10 am and that one chapter closed and another opened on the day of my divorce. Never even used the word “divorce”. Some people believe that you should only post happy and positive things.
Apologies never have the word, “but” attached to them. Ever.
I don’t know where this prevalent wait 6 months comes from. A cheating con man/woman can bankrupt a spouse in half that time.
Get that legal separation in place, I know not all states have legal separation, then go straight to D. I have researched some of the states folks claim don’t have a legal separation and in fact many of them do, they just call it something different. It is legally separating the finances and responsibility for any new debts. It is also a part of getting prelim child support and spousal support (if in play).
Per Google (All states except Delaware, Florida, Georgia, Mississippi, Pennsylvania, and Texas recognize legal documentation of separation.).
So in those states go straight for D. Get rid of that barnacle as soon as possible.
I should also add, I know not everyone is in US, so of course that is a different situation. But for all try your best to research what is allowed to get you free of a con artist.
Susie: I think people get the time people used to say after death of a spouse to wait six months before you make any decisions…and they think of that six months when talking about a separation or divorce. Nope. Why wait six months when you know something is not acceptable to you.
I have never understood people who think social media posts need to be constant sunshine. I would probably unfriend such people and solve the problem for them.
Father in law after husbands life long hooker habit (of which he shared 20 years with me (and about 400 hookers)) was exposed: ‘it is just as tragic for him as it is for you.’
‘Do you really think there is much demand for an 38-year-old mother of three? He is your best option.’
‘99% of him is really good, just this one little thing…look at all the good!’
I knew that was bullshit, and this fueled my anger even more. I am a divorced woman since last friday and it feels like such a relief! One year and one month post D-day I can start my life again, without Fuckwith. He still lives here until he finds himself a decent place, and as soon as he does I will be even more free than I already feel now!
Congratulations on that big step forward. Now push to get him out of your house.
Sounds like he should go live with his father.
Sounds like he learned certain fuckwittery from dear old dad.
I was told “he loves you, he’s not with her anymore anymore!” by MiL who, of course, is a FW herself. She was generally supportive of me otherwise, but good God, could she not see that she had taught her son her own disordered definition of “love,” and that it was no more acceptable to me than to her first husband??
“… Much demand for a 38 year old mother of three”
This REALLY steams me. Unfortunately, this attitude is common. I used to believe it.
Now I know my kids aren’t unwanted baggage. It is a PRIVILEGE to take care of them and be in their lives.
A former friend, also a chump, told me he cheated because the house was messy.
(I was handicapped from post-infectious neuropathy for quite a while, and Traitor Ex was “busy with work”, so yes, the house did suffer. It looked like a magazine spread all the years before I had a child and was handicapped, so yes, that must have been it.)
She lives in my neighborhood. I walked out of her house and have never spoken to her again. It’s been four years now.
The first mediator told us “you need to be friends” and “it takes two people for a marriage to end and anyone who doesn’t understand that is a narcissist.” Boomed at me during a private conversation, “I HAVEN’T HEARD ONE THING FROM (about) YOU WHY THIS MARRIAGE ENDED!” Later told me what a Nice Guy Traitor Ex is. Fired. I’m actually grateful Traitor Ex agreed to fire him. We were quite a ways into the divorce when this happened and I felt like I was stuck.
Traitor Ex’s therapist, which I referred him to, said to me, “He was unhappy, he met someone and fell in love.” I said, “When I am unhappy with a restaurant, I don’t keep eating there for 27 years.” I was unhappy and I TALKED TO him, was basically ignored, and didn’t cheat. It infuriates me that anyone thinks “falling in love” happens instantly with no agency. Just walking along, minding your own business, and BOOM, like lightning striking! In love! IT JUST HAPPENS! Like a stray bullet! A freak accident! No time and energy and attention paid to that person or prolonged pattern of deceit required! And of course, if you have feelings of attraction, you HAVE to act on them, because, you know, YOLO! Man, that one REALLY pisses me off.
Another (former) friend enthusiastically told me, “Divorce was the best thing that ever happened to me!”
Translation “Good thing your house burned down! Now you can get all new stuff!”
I would say divorce was NECESSARY, like removing a malignant tumor, but frankly I prefer a cancer-free existence. This is actually the worst and most painful thing that has ever happened to me.
Lots of people do not make the distinction between divorce and infidelity. They are not interchangeable situations.
“ Lots of people do not make the distinction between divorce and infidelity. They are not interchangeable situations.”
Yes. I would not have reacted well if my ex had asked for a divorce without the infidelity while we had two very young kids, but it would have at least been an honest thing to do. Instead I was left wondering how much of my life was a lie.
Exactly!! When I explained to someone that the supposedly unhappy FW (news to me!) should have divorced me and THEN dated, that person shrugged and said, “But no one does that.”
Sounds like that person is cheating…
And then there’s the spectacularly stupid things Traitor Ex himself said to me.
He thought we would all be friends! That I would like her! That we are a lot alike! He had been unhappy for years! That he feels like he Missed the Boat (marrying me and having a family). He’s always been attracted to Asian women and never acted on it! (I am Caucasian and this was news to me after 27 years. We are peas in a pod, her and I.)
The looloos keep coming. Just the other day he was put out that I wanted to consult with the accountant about how to handle a mistake on our corporate tax returns. I am disrespecting his thinking! Said the jerk who lied cheated and hid money from me for 20 years. How dare I. Yes. Correct. I do not respect your thinking.
It is true that ultimately I do not want any of these weeds in the garden of my life, but it still really hurts to pull them.
Mine actually thought that the three of us could live a polyamorous life! Together! If she divorced her husband! Nevermind the kids!
I got that from a lot of friends — “you could agree to an open relationship.” Sure, with a liar and narcissist. Boy does that sound fun (not).
Ha, OW actually suggested that to FW in one of her letters. That he should tell me about her and we could all be one big happy family because I “seemed to be having a really good time” that one night she was over.
No, bitch, I’m just good at keeping my game face on. I was miserable on the day in question. And no, I did not want a sister wife.
FW implied the same thing once, saying he wished he could have us both.
Lord have mercy.
And they actually think they DESERVE both at the same time. #narcissistic #entitled
Also there’s no regard for what YOU would want. ME me me me me me me. And these FWs will never see the flaw in their thinking. No self-awareness.
I also got that we had a lot in common and would like her if I would actually give her a chance. I pointed out that I had met her on several occasions, well before the affair, and tried engaging in conversations with her and she had zero interest in responding more than a few words back. He said “oh she’s socially awkward. She can come across as rude when you first meet her.” She has no friends. This was confirmed by my ex. What the hell do we have in common?!!
Well, I can answer that from his POV. You two have HIM in common, and that should make both of you feel oh so special and connected.
Asshat actually said to me “I never would have thought of her (HoWorker/Wife) if you hadn’t suggested her”. This after telling me he met his soul mate.
I almost laughed out loud! This just made me realize how ridiculous he is.
I can’t like this enough. VH nails it!
“it takes two people for a marriage to end”
This isn’t even logical if one spends maybe a minute thinking about it. Yes it takes two to make a solid marriage, but one can quite easily destroy a marriage on his/her own in short order without the other even knowing what is happening.
It is like saying it takes two people to create a rape. Well yes there needs to be the perp and the victim; but is the victim half to blame.
Or blaming the betrayed business partner when he/she finds out his/her business partner has embezzled.
I don’t know where people get that because every therapist, coach, and wise person who advised me said that it takes only one person to end a marriage. My ex had addictions and documented mental health issues and took off when I asked for a separation. The last ten years together had been horrific, frankly, and that was followed by a crazy divorce that my 69 y.o. attorney called “memorable and unprecedented.”
Other than some relatively minor flaws, how did I contribute to that dumpster fire?
After I dumped my cheating fiancee, a lady at church told me that I should put up with his cheating because I may not get another another chance at a husband. I was 21 at the time.
Also, when this is said to a devastated spouse, I wonder just what the speaker is thinking. “you may not get another chance at a husband”. Wow, you mean I won’t get another chance at this picnic. The last thing most chumps are thinking about in real time of horror is “dang I hope I can get me another dose of this”.
The lady was the type to knock you when you were down. Disgusting.
Years ago 3 friends and I went to visit another “friend” that just had a baby via c-section. We were all in the 29-30 age range at the time. One of my friends just ended her marriage (he cheated before they married but not during) as I guess she realized he was never going to grow up. The other friend and I just got out of long relationships where we were both cheated on. Both relationships did not end well, very messy breakups. The “friend” that just gave birth didn’t want to miss an opportunity to make us feel “less than” so she asked the divorcing friend how it felt to be dumped? Her exact words. Mind you the divorcing friend was the one that actually did the dumping. Then she turned on me and my other friend and said doesn’t it bother you two that you’ll never end up married? We were all stunned, however we roared with laughter after that visit. In any case my friend going through the divorce ended up marrying a very successful lawyer and lives in a lovely town north of San Fran. My other friend married an extremely successful product designer, they live in the UK. I married last, after yet another relationship where I was cheated on, and lets just say I never had to work again but I still continue to work. The “friend” that had just given birth? She married a bum and he has stayed a bum all during their marriage. She works hard to support their lifestyle while pretending her husband is successful. No one is fooled. He suffered a stroke about 10 years ago from partying and using coke. They have lived in lovely places but always rent and have never owned their own home. On Facebook you would think they have a picture perfect life. Oh and he was also a cheater, and how we know he was a cheater is he pursued my friend, the one that lives in the UK while his wife our “friend” was pregnant.
Just weird. My ex is retired, and I’m headed that way.
People said, “You’ll have no one to enjoy old age with.”
Kathy, this is thinking left over from a time when women were kept from getting decently paying jobs to support themselves. And were told that being single was a bad, bad thing. Convenient for men, yes?
1. “She’s only 12 years younger than FW? I would have thought he’d have an affair with someone even younger.” (male neighbor who is an ass)
2. “I’m narcissistic, too.” (same male neighbor)
3. “My husband said she (the AP/nurse) is really nice.” ( Husband=another co-worker)
4. A friend said, “If you’re still acting like this (crying, grieving) in a year, I’ll worry.” Say what?
5. “You need to forgive and move on.” (By “move on” she meant stop this NC tactic and accept the new reality.) (x-MIL)
6. “I love you both.” (another nurse)
7. “Maybe you can get together and hug it out.”
8. “This happens all the time.” (…implying that betrayal is no big deal.)
Honestly, most people in my circle sat in my pain and just listened, offering up the occasional, “That’s awful, ” and “He’s a jerk.” God bless those people.
“Is there anything different you could have done to prevent her from cheating” “you can be over the top”
From a church lady whose son went through the same thing.
“We love you both”
Funny that while criticizing me it was expected that I would do her husbands complicated surgery. I sent him to somebody else.
Turf that patient. Good for you.
I, too, heard “I love you both.” Infuriating! A co-worker of x (a nurse) smuggly tossed that Swiss gem at me. I’m sure she thought she was being an enlightened person by not “taking sides.” I remember sputtering, “But, but, he lied and betrayed me,” to no effect. Then I gave up and decided that I would simply cross her off my friend list. Some wells are dry.
Btw, when I relayed the “I love you both” comment to the accountant for the small practice, a woman I hardly knew, she immediately said, “I HATE THAT.” God bless that woman. Her indignation on my behalf warmed the cockles of my aching chumpy heart.
So most of the people around me were kind and understanding and took my side. I do remember two separate times that two mutual friends said something off.
The first was the wife of his best friend they have been friends since kindergarten. They are our daughters godparents and even after all of this I do still care about them. I dont talk to them and they haven’t reached out to me since I filed. However, in the early part of the separation she was talking to me about how they loved us both and were hopeful things would work out. She admitted her husband had cheated on her very early in their marriage and that if he did it again she’d leave as well. That being said she told me you know they are like children and if they don’t feel like they are getting constant attention then they will look elsewhere. I was like so you’re saying its my fault that I didn’t stroke his ego while working full time and helping with our grandchild that I was neglectful, nevermind that he was a narcissistic alcoholic who didn’t exactly show anyone attention other than the hoe. Yes this was dd2 and she knew it.
Second, a mutual friend contacted me he was drunk and started up how I should have given him more sex of any kind he wanted. That I had a nice body and that I should tell him I will do whatever he wants and he would come back. He then proceeded to tell me that I should send him pics of myself. When I declined he said see thats part of the problem. I send pics to him of my wife and he has sent me pics of his girlfriend, you are way better than her. Needless to say I ended that conversation. The next day his wife contacted me and we talked. She was not aware he was sharing her pics. She had his phone and forwarded the pics of the gf to a mutual friend because I dont want to see them. Divorce final two days ago. I’m thinking of sending the pics to her because she may not know he is sharing.
I’ve got Switzerland neighbors so connected in my life and that of my kids that I can’t completely cut ties. I’ve cried twice at events where one of them was drunk and insisted on trying to unravel the skein of how my covert narc FW left his family and moved to another state with schmoopie leaving me to raise my 10 and 12 year old alone. (He left 5 years ago, and makes sure he chums it up with the neighborhood men when he’s in town 2 or 3 times a year to visit my kids).
Two times now, my neighbors been been like “cmon, he’s such a nice guy, you must have had something to do with him going into another woman’s arms.” And not let it go until after I was in tears. Cmon, it’s been 5 years, dude. I’m more over my ex than he is.
The second time happened last weekend. I’ll be missing neighborhood potlucks for a while….
Thanks for this post. It helps to see I’m not alone here.
That’s an interesting point, I didn’t have anyone who said anything really stupid at the time but now I get a lot of ‘Can you see with some distance where things went wrong?’ and ‘It’s good to see that two are managing to get along’ (What, I have nothing to do with him?) and ‘You’ll eventually forgive him and become friends’. It’s like guys, what are you talking about. Ok with some time passing I can see things that he was doing that I didn’t realise what they meant or what he was actually capable of, I can also think of times when probably I wasn’t the best girlfriend of the year etc but I just cannot blame myself for any of it and no one seems to like that. I’m not saying I am a saint or anything but it just feels so wrong and unfair to try to pin his cheating on my failings in our relationship when I had no idea he would ever do it. Everyone just wants it neatly wrapped up and tied up in a bow don’t they.
1. Well…there’s two sides to every story. (And there are fake stories to make oneself look good too).
2. Time will take care of everything. (Yes, it does. But still lots of stuff to deal with before then).
3. Forgiveness will set you free. (Forgiving myself sets me free. Forgiving him just lets him off the hook).
4. Yeah, my husband would never do that. (Hey, that’s what I said!)
5. Maybe if you were nicer to him instead of mad, he might take you back. (I believe I have a right to my anger. He should be the one being nicer to me okay after betraying me & he’s not, so there’s that).
6. Do you think he felt ignored/inferior/$ broke when you went back to school. (Yeah me trying to help us out/ease his burden with a more secure & financial future must of led to him thinking that).
7. He never seemed to be the type to chase other women. (Hey that’s what I thought too, the sneaky bastard!)
8. Everything happens for a reason. (I’m not sure blowing up a marriage & family is a good reason for anything but m’kay).
9. Yeah, I remember the time when a co-worker stabbed me in the back. (That’s shitty, but nothing near comparable).
10. There’s more in the “clueless & shitty things people say vault” but that’s enough for now. 🥴
The best thing you can “do for the kids”, in my opinion is to tell them the truth. Teach them about abuse and character. How we are what we do and hopefully they won’t become like the idiots we are hearing about here who say stupid shit to others who have been emotionally abused.
LOL. These are so relatable.
Many of mine were religious nothings about praying more, forgiving “seventy times seventy,” and “we all sin.” Thankfully, I grasped after being separated for a year that my long-distance husband was a deeply disturbed person with all of the markers just getting worse.
He had documented mental health issues which made the divorce really difficult. His attorney kept telling mine that he wanted to quit, but mine secured a promise that he would at least stay in until the divorce was final. That attorney kept to his word.
My divorce was final just before the pandemic hit, and our long-term church shut down entirely. I used that period to do a huge amount of study and actually am stronger in my faith than ever. But I’m warier than ever of “the wolf in the pew” and have ditched all the platitudes.
“Men cheat. It’s just what they do. They all do it, some are just better liars than others. If you don’t want to end up alone, you have to learn to accept it.”
I’m willing to bet there are about a zillion chumps with wieners who would absolutely disagree with what that person said to me, many of whom I’ve met here. ⭐
(Also, I told her “Well, I’d far rather be alone than be a walking STD carrier or die young from a totally preventable illness. If that’s the best men can offer me, that’s disgusting and I don’t need them.” She then shut her piehole.)
On a roll now, recalling some of the other absolute classic foot-in-mouths I endured:
Example 6 — via CheaterXFW from ostensibly COWhore:
“She wants to give you space, to be respectful of you.”
The Skank wants to **give** me space, like there isn’t an entire fucking geogaphical ocean and land mass fifty times the size of California between me and her (and my erstwhile spouse) to begin with? And having stalked me relentlessly on social media before I even knew she existed? Wants to “be respectful” of me now, after she fucked my STBXH for weeks and literally blew him on the phone for at least 10 months?
R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Find out what it means to me (shoutout Aretha).
Example 7 — Well Meaning Now Ex Friend:
“Oh but you’re so strong Samsara. He isn’t.”
Pfft. No words.
Example 8 — EvilExMIL:
“Well, we are very different, you and I”.
Said so randomly, I to this day do not know why we were all of a sudden talking about our relationship (mother-in-law and daughter-in-law) when the only relationship I was discussing was the marriage between me and her son in the wake of the cheating revelations.
[A friend mused, “She means if only you’d been less smart mouthed and less ‘strong’ and pretty much less of everything, like MIL is, you would not be being cheated on.”
[Another said, “Oh that’s just code for ‘Put up and shut up’]
And the ‘Ne Plus Ultra of Fuckwittery Award’ goes to CheaterXFW himself:
“You’ll find someone, you’re still hot.”
Also me: (holding up my rings-clad wedding finger)
“See these? We’re married, you dick. That means it’s not a fucking treasure hunt!”
A friend with whom I’m no longer close, after telling her I had to take my ex back to court to enforce reimbursement for certain expenses PER OUR DIVORCE DECREE, “Maybe it just isn’t worth it to fight him on it.”
Ugh. She’s super non-confrontational, but it sucked that she wasn’t supportive of me standing up for myself & my daughter.
Most people were very supportive but one comment I remember was “he obviously found her more attractive than you. Otherwise why do it?” I tried explaining all of the reasons why someone might engage in an affair that have nothing to do with attractiveness. I finally showed her a pic of OW and that shut her up.
What a mean thing to say! Some people are such idiots.
FW was here in France at the end of March for the first birthday of our grandson (he hadn’t met him before that). I was civil because … well it wasn’t about me! Found out later that my oldest and FW bumped into the fat ankled skank (AP) in town one night and invited her up to son’s house for drinks!!!! And yet she had cheated on FW after three years together. Apparently it was all hunky dory but I made some comment and son told me “not to be like that”! Oh I couldn’t give a shit about FW or the skank so I just turned around and said I wasn’t in the habit of wanting to have a drink with a woman who fucked my husband, not that my husband was any better!
On another note, FW was very “handy” with his fists and one time after yet another beating and me being covered with bruises he said “but that’s not who I am”! Kudda fooled me (and later the skank apparently)!
All of the above. And then there were helpful suggestions to “take care of myself”. Well, I managed to get up and shower, dry and style my hair. But nobody really had ideas on how to actually take care of myself (beyond a daily shower).
I had a few friends ghost me after I confided in them. I guess being a chump means you now have cooties.
But most of my friends were incredibly compassionate, and willing to just listen. One of them, who could never stand the FW, said to me, “I know this is hard for you to hear right now, but this is the best thing that has happened to you. You can start over.” I was in my early 20s, and yes, it was hard to hear, but she was right.
I did find out, after my divorce, how many predatory people there are out there. I am not looking, but IF I ever became interested in somebody, I will not be ignoring any more red flags. Thank you CL and CN.
Yeah, I had one “friend” drop me as if I had cooties. Eh, she wasn’t a close friend, but still….weird reaction. I don’t get it.
Well, it’s for the best – you didn’t look that happy on your wedding day…
When my husbands cousin found out about his cheating she smiled and said to me “ well, boys will be boys”
and smiled. I said “ how would you feel if your husband did that?”
She looked down and mumbled something I couldn’t make out.
That was the beginning of the affair. Years later he left me and never looked back. 35 years married meant nothing to him 🥲
Makes me think to say that I don’t want to be married to a boy and is you husband doing boy things?
Hope that is a former friend, or one held at a safe distance!
My “friend” said that it was going to be really hard to parent all those kids (I have 5) without a husband.
Guess what? It was much easier to parent all those kids without the ex because he was the 6th child in the household and was completely out of control.
I was told “You knew what he was like. What did you expect?” I knew he was an entitled jerk. I didn’t know about the hooker habit.
Over and over I heard, ” Oh, the job really got to him to act like this.” A therapist even remarked, “People in these professions often break under the stress and pressure of their work.”
This year a national news report stated that marriage counselors have found three professions most prone to infidelity. They are: Military, First Responders (police, first responders, nurses, fire, etc.), and CEO’s.
What they fail to grasp is that most military, first responders and CEO’s aren’t infidels. The non-infidels somehow managed nicely to gain power, prestige and control and use it for the greater good. I’d surmise it’s the ones with weak character, conscience and courage that gravitated to these professions for power, prestige and control and use it for abusive personal goals.
Meanwhile, the rest of us manage effectively without hurting others while under stress and pressure, frequent moves, adverse circumstances, distress and duress, etc., and are able to crawl out from under the rubble without victimizing others and self-destructing. It is integrity, character, conscience and courage that make or break us.
“I’d surmise it’s the ones with weak character, conscience and courage that gravitated to these professions for power, prestige and control and use it for abusive personal goals.”
I agree. Same with child abusers, professions do not cause it, child abusers gravitate to where the children are.
“I can’t believe it.” Does that mean you don’t believe ME?
“But he’s such a nice guy.” After I show them the bruises.
“Don’t you think you can work it out?” I don’t want to work it out, I want him out of my life.
“I can’t believe he’d do this.” After I show them evidence of his thefts, on paper, and the texts/emails to his AP.
“Don’t you think you can let it go?” No. Why would I want to?
“It’s going to be so hard for you to take care of yourself, your house, your child. Wouldn’t it be easier to take him back?”
Uh, why would I want to?
There were some good, supportive comments too. The best one came form a friend’s pastor. After I told him just a few of the things Fraudster had done, Father Eddy aid, “He’s a monster.”
My fave was “the problem is your denial.” Of what, he never had the courage to explain. We aren’t friends now.
I only got one comment that “ people change and grow apart” I responded that” I hope people change. I was 17 when he became my life focus, had kids, had stage 3 cancer along with other normal changes as well as being left single but married. It was abuse and I’ll never be backed into a corner again.” It was met with silence. I left and cut all interactions out.
The ex had gotten ahead of that narrative. I wish I would have only said that the problem is the ex never changed. He’s the same mentally with the exact patterns and habits as when I met him. Never grew up.
The most painful comment was “why didn’t you just leave?” From my mom. There’s so many layers answer that also puts you into defense mode to that that most will never understand. She had her own FU FOO so after doing a poor job of answering it it was dropped. I don’t think she wanted to know about the abuse.
The better question is why did you have to leave?
All the comments about finding another person to love/love me were bad before I even got married in the first place (I finally married ‘late’ in my early 30’s). Since I’ve been single in my late 50’s these types of comments are really cringy and annoy me even more. Let’s see I: ‘live my life”, “just get out there”, “put myself in positions to meet new people!” and “when you least expect it the right person will appear!” and 8 years later (checks around room, messages, in the driveway) Nope, still by myself. Still no one knocking on my door. (Huh, did I do something wrong?)
I get such comments as, “Oh, Skunk, you got a man in your life? No? How come?? Don’t give up! It’s all going to happen (one nebulous day) and you’ll find your love!” Um, please just stop. No, I may never experience such a relationship in my life. It is a sad, but a fact I have to accept. I need to hold onto my personal joy and contentment and move on with no expectations of anything more.
My exhole left me in 2017 for the side chick. I stupidly took him back in 2019. After 2 years, I realized I couldn’t live with him anymore and told him to go back to his sister’s house (That’s who he ran to when he left in 2017). I told exhole’s sister and she responded with, “Let it go, that was ancient history.”😳
Ah the flying monkey minimizers!
You have tremendous resiliance.
Said by the VSC judge.
Translation: I don’t have to feel guilty because I’m about to administer the, shall we say, “second rape” here.
That word “resilience” really triggers me in regard to my son. The judge in our custody case split us 50/50 – my X lives in a small remote village that is extremely socially dysfunctional with a sub-standard school. My son is an Honor student – techy nerdy. I moved out of the community that was eating my kid alive to a bigger (healthier) community with lots of social support and with a top STEM school. The judge said, “I know I’m going against AK State Supreme Court precedence, but if any kid can navigate a split school /home year and be resilient, this one can.”
My kid was spending the 1st part of the school year with his father in screwedupville and then coming to me at 2nd semester and playing catchup on every level. He graduated with a 3.8 gpa, but I am certain he would have been 4.0+ if he hadn’t had that challenge every year from middle school through high. I still feel the rage over the unfairness of that for my son years later.
“ You are so resilient”, AKA “ You are such a strong person. You will get through this.”
Translation: I’m not interested in your problems and think this is a flattering way to dismiss them. Let’s talk about something else now. Something I want to talk about.
Oh, one more:
“He’s just having a midlife crisis.”
Yes – I received a lot of reasons why he cheated from “ friends” and unfortunately until the shock and haze passed I believed them all:
-Well, you were gone too much.
-You worked too much.
-You didn’t get your hair & nails professionally done.
– You wear a 34AA bra, men line boobs – you should have had them done
-He has guilt over recommending the surgeon who operated on your dad who died in surgery so he needed a release
-He wanted things in bed you probably weren’t willing to do.
-He’s a high powered successful man he has needs – whores are like going to the gym for him – it’s just a release.
-You were too nice (?)
– His mother didn’t like you.
– His sister didn’t like you.
– What did you expect? All men cheat. Why did you think you’d be special?
Be nice and they’ll want you kind of mean
Be mean and they’ll want you nice
Have perky little boobs and they’ll want big ones
Have big ones and they’ll want perky little ones
Doesn’t matter what: bagged salad excuses.
“Well, you must not have had good sex with him”
I got a similar “did you guys have sex enough?” The ole clearly-you-weren’t-meeting-his-needs so he had to go elsewhere to have them met.
For the record, yeah we had sex a lot, but as you all know it’s not about the sex, your looks, etc – it’s about entitlement and power.
The worst thing that almost everyone has asked me is “Is he still with her?” Dear friends, family members, even near strangers- it’s unbelievable how many people have asked me this! I’m always flabbergasted and say that I have no idea, and then six months later they ask again.
It’s like it makes it more legitimate cheating if they stay together? WTF.
Most of the comments that I’ve gotten from the few people I’ve told have been incredulousness because the one thing I complained about the most in my marriage was how I wasn’t getting much. Little did I know it was because he was getting it elsewhere. So their thoughts were on the lines of ‘what, how, why?’ because affair logic would dictate that I should have been the one out and about…
By and far the worst of this sort of comment I have gotten was after the premature stillbirth of one of my sons where the person said, “It’ll make you a better person.” I still wonder how terrible a person I must have been to need baby death as a cure…
This is simply horrendous Chumpiest and very upsetting for you, when you were already going through hell.
So sorry for the loss of your darling baby boy. The insensitivity of the comment has echoes of the equally awful “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” cliche brigade. It’s beyond triggering. It’s not on.
Huge hugs to you.
ex wife had 2 year online affair on fbook, sister new about it , i wasent online so suprise to me, i quote sister: you must not of given your wife much attention , i shit you not , i nearly fell out my chair when she said the words .
From FW, highly annoyed with me at disclosure, when he was telling me he was leaving with his 5 year affair Schmoop, that I knew nothing about while I was actively melting into complete shock and pain.
“ You know, people get divorced Chumpasaurus!” Like I should just shake it off, it’s some common life event. What the hell was wrong with me anyway?!
My brother, who I dearly love, said to me when first finding out: “ you have to be strong for your kids and grandkids”. ( my kids were late 20’s and not in relationships at the time, but family is everything to this brother and it’s probably all he could think to say to me as we both absorbed the shock)
Another mutual male friend: “ he just needs constant change in his life”. Damn, that one floored me and still gets me, but I was still too devastated to react and come back with something. I have a close friendship with his wife, but she knows her spouse is a goofball and does not share with him what we discuss. He stays enamored of the FW still.
Another friend going through a divorce said I should only think about the good things he brought to my life, which she said outweighed the bad. She was married to a flaming overt narcissist but was such a Pollyanna it was hard to observe her harming herself.
Ex SIL: “ you can be happy too!!” in a text when I was a total basket case. ( blocked that idiot immediately)
The other ex SIL, “ if you loved him, you would be happy for him”. ( yeah, she’s out the door too, as is his entire family)
My brother told my kids when they were so very worried over my reaction, “ she will remarry in 3-5 years”. Just underlines how difficult it is for anyone to get it unless they have been through it first hand. It is a lonely road to walk.
But the one trinket I kept, I got from a very dear male friend who told me to “ let him go”.
I wasn’t fully ready to absorb that when I first heard it, and was upset he wasn’t advising me to fight for my marriage, but it was the only truth worth holding onto in the end. ( his own father deserted his mom and her four young kids when he was 8 and moved to the opposite coast and became some prestigious professor, greatly honored at his passing a few years back. They never saw their father again and their lives were greatly affected by that desertion, but the father was an esteemed man in his new life.
It sometimes seems to play out like the worst horror movie you’ve ever imagined, but as much as their lives ‘appear’ glorious on the outside, they can never get away from who they are at their core or what they have done to others.
I still truly believe the statement I read from a long term career psychologist, who said “ in all the years I’ve worked with clients, I’ve never once seen anyone get away with anything.”
I choose to believe that’s true.
I believe that too.
It is just unfortunate that many of us don’t get to see it.
The worst comment was from the OW’s sister, “Oh, you knew he was fooling around and you didn’t care”. Turns out Cheater #1 had told his circle of drunks, I mean, friends that I knew he was having a main affair and multiple sex partners and I was OK with it. Because I was working out of town to support his lazy ass and he was “lonely”. Yeah, needless to say I don’t see/talk to any of those losers, including Cheater #1, anymore.
My friend that had found out she had just been cheated on while her father was dying of cancer:
“NoKibble4U, when it happened to you, I thought you just didn’t tend your garden” ). My cheater left me on the way home from my mom’s ash scattering service.). It turns out, her cheater also cheated on her after their first baby was born.
The “I bet he regrets it” or some variation thereof.
Nope. Asshat never regrets, never apologizes. He just moves on to his next victim, while with his current unwitting victim.
Another one I just thought of. “But you got two wonderful kids out of that marriage”! Nope, not buying that. If I had married a decent guy instead of a violent alcoholic asshole I could still have had those wonderful kids – they would just have looked a bit different and not had to go through the trauma of living with the ex. When your youngest is a teenager and tells the hairdresser that “now dad’s gone I can actually sleep at night” what makes anyone think I would ever be grateful to or miss that jerk!
Oh, I get this one too. I don’t want to not have my kids, but I could have had them with someone who actually enjoyed parenting them vs someone who treated the 3 of us as dead weight. We could grow old and become grandparents together. Sharing custody of the two people I love most in the world with a cheating, emotionally abusive man with an alcohol use disorder is not something I would wish on anyone.
From a former best friend – “Maybe you just weren’t enough for him”. 30 years of marriage, but hey, maybe it’s my fault that he had been cheating the whole time. Also from the same friend “You’re living my nightmare. I’m so glad this isn’t me”. Turns out, her husband started hitting on me in the form of extremely inappropriate DM’s as soon as I separated from FW.
And from my beloved brother (I’m just now processing the fact that he has been on FW’s side the whole time) – “Please think about your wonderful family before you do anything rash”. He had just learned that my husband of 3 decades had been cheating the entire time. This hurt so badly.
I forgot another one. “I’m sure he’s hurting too”. Yeah, he’s a fucking mess. But who cares? What the hell?
Ughh so many. And I was fairly brutal. If anyone said anything remotely unkind, I cut them off from my life and told them so. I have always been so understanding and forgiving, but I had to set boundaries. My ex MIL said that if I was working, we would have more money, so dbag wouldn’t have to work so hard and end up having an affair with a coworker. So it was my fault. My ex FIL told me that I really can’t prove that dbag is cheating. I told him I have these sex videos of him and another woman that I found on his phone. His reply was I could have just used photoshop. What in actual hell. These lowlife parents can’t handle the truth that their son is a fucking piece of shit. I don’t care that they are in their 70s. They don’t get a pass. Next time they contacted me to greet me merry Christmas, I said “you have raised a monster. never contact me again” What happened was a test of character for so many people in my life. So many failed and life is so much better without them.
“At least you don’t have kids” -people here and a few therapists. Thanks for minimizing!
“”- the silence from people I thought were my friends (not anymore) as well as from his mom and brother (they were always really unhealthy and i’m glad I don’t need to tolerate them anymore,but I wanted an acknowledgement of my pain. Never got)
I”ve noticed that people who experience certain types of misfortune and are subjected to victim-blaming comments from bystanders often think that the bystanders might have been kinder if the misfortune had been even worse. But, in my experience, that’s not really the case. Actually nothing is sacred when bystanders are in the throes of distancing themselves from misfortune.
For instance, when my middle child developed a chronic condition and developmental delays as a toddler (he’s largely recovered since then), other parents of children with that condition described being crushed by the ignorant, unscientific cracks they’d get from bystanders. Horrible stuff, often with eugenic overtones (“Maybe some people shouldn’t breed…”) or assumptions about lifestyle (“Well I’m glad I didn’t drink in pregnancy…”) or health status of parents (“Is your husband much older?”). I heard a lot of it too. And the parents of affected children would always say things like, “If my child had cancer, we’d be getting casseroles instead of cruelty.” Except I visited hubs of parents with cancer-stricken children and you know what? They heard this kind of shit too often as well.
Jury consultants for criminal cases know that the more any particular prospective juror feels at risk for falling prey to a certain type of crime, the more the juror might try to find fault with the victim as a way to psychologically distance themselves from the victim’s fate. If the victim isn’t easy to find fault with, the distancing and fault finding can become very arbitrary: “This would never happen to me because I would never wear red on Sundays/walk my dog in the rain/juggle oranges in the park…”
When I was stalked by a coworker, I was curious about why almost every official or bystander or run of the mill helping professional would get visibly frustrated when I’d correct their immediate assumption that I’d been in a relationship with the perp. Here’s the bystander brimming over and exploding with all sorts of victim-blamey moral and personal condemnations of me– reasons why I must have brought it on myself– but I wasn’t giving them anywhere to spew it. They wanted so badly to distance themselves from my fate but, aside from saying something grossly retro about stranger danger like my skirts must have been too short, I was depriving them. So instead they’d redirect the spew at domestic violence victims in general. It never failed: “Well at least you’re not like those battered women who keep going back…”, etc.
I actually ended up advocating for domestic violence survivors because of all the victim-blaming I heard aimed at other people while prosecuting a stalker. I figured if this was the common view of helping professionals, no wonder that help wasn’t helping. Merely witnessing the great need of bystanders to mold victims into a shape that the bystanders could throw rocks at was distressing and terrifying even if the rocks were aimed at other people.
Plus I realized there was something else going on beyond bystanders’ discomfort at misfortune or need to distance themselves from misfortune– almost slathering anticipation. Some even looked excited at the opportunity to spew this stuff. To people in the throes of this kind of knee-jerk distancing, it’s as if the self-protective “incantation of blame” requires punishment and has to be said out loud and frequently to victims’ faces in order to reach God’s ears or something. I don’t remember which ancient Greek wrote, “Luck is when the arrow hits the other man.” It’s like some bystanders are appeased when someone else gets struck down, as if misfortune has a quota and they’re celebrating that it’s not them.
It’s depressing to report that I’ve never seen anyone doing the above who turned out to be a solid person in other ways. The knee-jerk blaming tendency doesn’t seem to be a mere idiosyncrasy, more a deep flaw in character. It always comes out in other ways. As soon as I would hear that kind of nonsense from someone, I’m done with them. It doesn’t matter which victims they happen to be blaming, I see it as a red flag. That’s probably why I didn’t hear a lot of blamey shit after being chumped. By then I’d whittled down my pool of contacts to only those who would never say such things and stayed far away from the people I knew from experience were likely to say such things. Once burned, twice shy.
Yup, I noticed this too (as per my baby death comment above). I also have a friend whose spouse died by suicide and she often got blamed and this is apparently common! Also I am going to start to look at it from the angle you suggested – that people who knee jerk victim blame may have a character flaw.
My ex MIL upon finding out her precious son carried out an affair with his young intern “well, things must have been really bad in your marriage for him to cheat”. When I responded that I was not aware of any issues, “well you had to have done something to make him cheat”.
Yup – my shallow materialistic exMIL said – well something must have been not right for him to do that. I have had JOY is cutting her out of my life.
Setting the scene: my sister in her house, with my aged mother sitting next to her, New Year’s Day 2020. 4 months out from being dumped, but only 6 weeks out from discovering the affair. Aged 59, no kids, no pets, retired but needing to re-enter the workplace urgently, ex had just flown to Canada to be with his true love soulmate exgfOW. I had been speaking to the NHS to get on a CBT course. I was seeking out and taking any help I could get. I was sat at the kitchen island with my lap top applying for jobs. I said how hard it was. My sister said: ‘you need to give yourself a slap’ and my mother agreed with her. My sister has a very well paid (7 figures) job. My BIL has not worked for 21 years. He is a kept man. My sister would not lend me a tiny amount of money to pay my legal fees while I waited for my first salary payment a couple of months later. She said she had to ask my BIL! And that was it. I had helped to bring my sister up. Supported her when my mother was being a narcissistic cow. Found her work experience roles. Had her to stay with me for weeks. Given her stuff to furnish her first home. Given her my car. I saw instantly that the acorn had not fallen far from the tree. I speak to my sister. I visit my sister occasionally, I will never forgive her for that comment. Not sure which category she falls into, and I don’t care. Our values are different and that’s enough for me.
My wreckoncialiation therapist: “He was so wrong to do that, but now we need to work on how you were co-dependent.”
My computer technician who helped me preserve his self-made videos of him f***king prostitutes for legal purposes: “Well, what did you do to make him feel the need to seek them out? Cheating always happens for a reason.”
A friend: “You’re a beautiful, successful woman. He will not be able to do as well with someone else.”
My gynecologist when I went for STD testing: “Ah, you know, all men do that”.
” “Ah, you know, all men do that”.”
Well we don’t know if all men do it, but we certainly know your gynecologist does.
My mother always told me when someone uses the phrase “everyone does it”, that is a confession.
The only stupid thing anyone said to me was our coparenting mediator—the one who helped us to negotiate our divorce. She said the real reason for the divorce should never be disclosed to the kids. Fortunately—thanks to this site and the book—I unwound that misguided directive and put things right with the kids about a year after our divorce was final, when my kids were in first grade and fifth grade. I think I repaired and avoided a lot of damage that would have happened otherwise.
People said that I was lucky I didn’t have children with him – which may be true – but I had a miscarriage two weeks after I filed for divorce. I didn’t know I was pregnant, and I didn’t tell anyone. I think I was afraid people would repeat that phrase to me. I also felt like he would tell me that was proof that he couldn’t be with me.
I had one friend ask why I even bothered to get married if I was just going to get divorced. I filed for divorce because my husband had moved into his affair partner’s apartment. I no longer had a marriage!
I had someone tell me that I didn’t try hard enough to fight for my marriage. That the next time this happens to me, I should try harder and not give up. I tried and tried.
Someone else told me that it makes sense that he went for the other woman – the thrill of an illicit relationship. That she was also prettier, younger, and more exciting.
I had a couple of people say that I was living their worst nightmare. Thanks for that.
Another say that I wasn’t strong enough for the fight and to give up. I was in an incredible amount of emotional pain throughout the entire divorce. It felt like torture. However, I knew that if I gave in this one last time to him, that it would be disastrous for my healing and future. I had a very good lawyer that was invested in doing the right for me and our case. She shut him down numerous times. In the end, he signed the paperwork that we drafted. I was strong enough to seek expert council and strong enough to follow through to the end.
“I had one friend ask why I even bothered to get married if I was just going to get divorced. I filed for divorce because my husband had moved into his affair partner’s apartment. I no longer had a marriage!” Right?
My mother in law must have panicked because not long before our D became final she said “you two better get your act together”.
I just said Jeanie, he is engaged to another woman, just what do you think I should do. I don’t really hate her for it, I know she was desperate and she hated the thought of the whore he was marrying. I really do believe to this day that his actions took years off his mothers life.
But, if one person walks away there is jack shit the left one can or should do. We just have to take care of ourselves and rebuild.
Example of when to go No Contact with Switzerland family members… my Fuckwit’s son’s GF “friended” the OW on Facebook within weeks of my being discarded. When I asked her why she would do that, she shrugged and said, “Well, we still have to be around them.” Click – blocked. Two years later, when the OW broke up with Mr. Sparkles because she found out he was cheating on her, the now fiance of my stepson asked me to be “Gigi” to their first born and re-friend on FB. MINDBLOWN.
Some people just don’t get it… until it happens to them.
Rock on Chump Nation – you’ve got this. Go No Contact today 🙂
I had this with my ex SIL ICanSee. She immediately friended OW on Facebook and liked posts about how you should seize every opportunity etc
More than one said “when he comes to his senses & gets off the drugs, he’ll come running back”
Others “when that girl gets his money, he will come crawling back”
Ewwww. Like a used tissue during a heavy cold, you don’t want that back. Thanks, but no.
Fuckwit’s father nonchalantly said, “Well, sorry.” when I told him and fuckwit’s mother – who I had known for 24 years – about his affair. Like I had a flat tire or something. That’s all either of them ever said to me about their son’s behavior, but these were the same folks who were friendly towards their eldest son’s wifestress, who helped him destroy his first marriage, and only badmouthed her after she ditched their son for another affair partner.
I wasn’t surprised three years later when a relative of theirs (who was supportive of me) told me that fuckwit’s father was upset that fuckwit hadn’t bothered to visit his mother in the hospital before she died. Mistreating me was OK, but his father didn’t grasp that fuckwit’s heartlessness extends to everyone.
“People have affairs all the time.”
Ah right. That’s really helpful, thanks.
So I guess you’re saying stop overreacting and chill out? If people have affairs all of the time, that makes it ok, does it? No? Oh. Well why are you saying it to me then?!
Still haven’t worked that one out.
“Time heals all wounds.” No, sorry, it does not do that.
Then the 41 day mantra prayer a ( former) friend offered to me starting with me saying I am sorry for all the harm I did to FW!
(Can’t even imagine what a brain fuck that would have been to recite for 41 days!!) 😳
FW always thought I would eventually “ come around” and we could be “the best of friends” and that he would “ always look out for me” and that his Schmoop was so much like me, “a really good, hard working person” but she needed him more than I needed him and he wanted to be needed.
How would he ever know what I needed, pray tell, when he never wanted to stay home long enough to find out?
I wasn’t needy, because I wasn’t afforded the luxury of depending on anyone or “needing someone” to get things done.
So I was getting dumped, partly for my independent nature and another thing he told me when he left was that he
“ didn’t want to take care of anyone anymore”. ( ?!?)
He had a refrigerator full of bagged salad excuses since there was no legit justifiable excuse that actually ever existed.
She was way younger than him and fully believed he hung the moon, that’s worth discarding a loving wife and three great kids every day of the week to a FW’s way of thinking.
Oh, here’s another one. Multiple people were shocked that FW lied to them! They couldn’t believe he would do such a thing… as if for some reason they were more special than me. That they couldn’t connect the dots that if he could lie and betray the most intimate person in his life that he was quite capable to lie to them. I did not have the emotional bandwidth to console them.
I’ve read all the comments. Cruel, heartless, insensitive things people say to chumps. 🤦♀️ 😿
5. Just Get Over It And Move On
This is an entire category in and of itself. These are folks who, when you tell them that you’re hiring a lawyer, or dealing with FW, or are sharing your feelings about the kids meeting the AP have only one thing to say. Move on! You’ll be happier! Why are you fighting him for alimony? You don’t need it! It’s time to get over FW and start your new life. These people drive me insane.
And if the situation was reversed, these people would NEVER EVER follow the advice they are giving you.
This is from someone who was more on his friend side of the divide: “I’m glad to hear that you are heartbroken.” It was in the context of an email that I had sent in response to this friend sharing a few updates on his life. I shared some updates and mentioned that the whole thing was heartbreaking. It just makes me wonder what the FW has been saying about me, like I made some blasé choice to divorce him because I’m a coldhearted B!
From my mother: “Why are you leaving him? He’s going to be a lawyer and you’ll be rich!” What she didn’t know – or rather, refused to acknowledge – was that I’d been supporting him, via 2 jobs, through law school. Not a penny of contribution from him although he had a part-time job and a hefty savings account which he refused to touch. Most of the money from his job went toward buying things for his AP (a classmate) and taking her out to dinner when I was working late. Looking back, I think she knew about his AP but figured he was entitled to his fun since I was out of the house (working!) too much. When I had finally had enough (AP had the nerve to start calling the house and asking for him as if I was the hired help) and confronted him in a fury, my mother happened to be visiting and witnessed his denials. She then tried to help him bind my arms and legs so that they could have me committed. I ran out of the house, moved in temporarily with a friend, and started the process of disentangling. To her dying day she chastised me for not staying with him.
That is a horrific tale. I hope you are healing.
It was a long time ago and I’ve had lots of therapy so yeah, I’m doing well. Married to a great guy and only thinking about that chapter of my life now and then (and even then I’m thinking in terms of how far I’ve come and how much my life has improved since that time).
Ugh, that is just plain awful. I feel so sad when I think of all the women in the past 150 years who were simply locked up when they wouldn’t fall in line with abuse. So glad you got free from them!
Salem witch 🧙♀️ trials ?
I’m sorry he cheated but I’m sorrier that your mother treated you even worse.
That was merely the tip of the iceberg – my mother was a textbook narcissist and I was the scapegoat. I have tons of stories but none are really relevant to this discussion.
“They seem really happy together”
When the person who said this to me also got chumped in her own relationship she called me to apologise for being so thick headed when it happened to me.
‘That’s why I told my husband, if there’s ever anything bothering you we need to talk and get into counselling’
I was devastated and only weeks out from Discovery and a friend visited and said something along the lines that my friends will be worried about their husbands being around me. As if I am a siren that will lead their husbands astray or I will try to take them.
I told her I just got rid of one cheating husband why would I want someone else’s one!
Good for you! I got so sick of the assumption that I was interested in the husbands of other women. They flatter themselves and insult me. Also sick of listening to women telling me how wonderful their husbands are! I don’t care and I’m not interested!
Upon hearing that my husband had been having an affair for 7 years, with vacations and everything, and knowing how shocked and surprised I (and everyone who knew us) was, ex friend said, “wow, he loved you SO much to go through all of that trouble to protect your feelings for so long. That must’ve been hard for him!”
Wow, that’s rough. I’m sorry.
hmmm. how about “she’s probably going to marry him.” or, “oh, she just went to him for diet pills.” or from her mother, “don’t worry, she’ll come back.” or, “you should be glad this happened after 10 months and not 10 years.” or, “she’s so cute and pretty, I can see why guys are attracted to her.” how about something stupid the cheater said, “I’d never do anything to hurt you.” (my favorite!)
Anyone else finding it difficult to upvote today as it feels like you are upvoting the shitty comments people have said to chumps!!.
A few weeks after D-Day: “You need to get over this.”
My mother said I drove him to other women because I wasn’t trying hard enough. I hadn’t done enough for him or made efforts to look pretty all the time and I was too independent.
I don’t remember any other stupid comments at the moment. The few close friends who I have told seemed not surprised and cast no blame. No weird comparisons or telling me what to do. I have received countless offers of help and though I have not asked for such a thing from anyone, friends have declared themselves on my team and will not be Switzerland when all is said and done. They have strong morals. I did much better picking friends than I did picking a spouse, it turns out. I know others in CN have not been so lucky so I do not take for granted that my friends are real gems.
My mother, OTOH, is only self interested. She always thought of klootzak as a deep pocket. If she had ever had looks or a great figure, she would have been a gold digger. She grew up poor and so her outlook on life is to take whatever you can get. She thinks that a nice house and financial security provided by a spouse are nice things to have and so she assumes I am stupid to walk away from a man who earns three times what I do. But honestly, I would have preferred a spouse earning much less who was a good, honest, faithful man. No amount of money can make up for the betrayal I have suffered. She will never understand that.
About “The Politics of Surviving
How Women Navigate Domestic Violence and Its Aftermath,” the newly published book by sociologist Paige Sweet: “For women who have experienced domestic violence, proving that you are a “good victim” is no longer enough. Victims must also show that they are recovering, as if domestic violence were a disease: they must transform from “victims” into “survivors.” Women’s access to life-saving resources may even hinge on “good” performances of survivorhood. Through archival and ethnographic research, Paige L. Sweet reveals how trauma discourses and coerced therapy play central roles in women’s lives as they navigate state programs for assistance. Sweet uses an intersectional lens to uncover how “resilience” and “survivorhood” can become coercive and exclusionary forces in women’s lives.”
I think this relates to today’s post and speaks to some of the harmful yet common gendered pressures and responses women who are victims of cheating (abuse) face, privately and publicly, to varying degrees. I’ve heard chumps here voice similar ideas/experiences. I’m definitely interested in reading Sweet’s work. Thought I’d share in case others are, too.
OMG! What’s wrong with “I’m so sorry this happened. How can I help?”
My xMIL feels that I am being “cold” and decided she would send me and FW an “inspirational” quote.
“Negativity is contagious. Unhappiness is contagious. Fear is contagious. But so is happiness. So is optimism. So is love. Surround yourself with people who bring out the best in you. Strive to be a reflection of what you want to receive.”
It took everything I had to stay no contact. I really wanted to say “That’s why I left, eh?”
One thing I learnt was that some of these platitudes can be strategically used against the narc/manipulator to highlight their mediocrity and averageness, which of course they hate. Examples:
~ oh well it wasnt much of a marriage anyway
~ never mind these things happen
~ yes yes it’s all very sad but time to move on
Essentially shooting them away like an annoying house guest.
I wanted to say so much but I kept my trap shut because narc~ey sorts hate being reminded they are one of 8 billion people, behaving in a very very unoriginal manner.
I realise the above may also be a get out of jail free card for some cheaters, it just depends what variety they are.
“shoo” not “shoot” 🙄
My Dad said “You, with all your (university) degrees, you think you’re so smart but you couldn’t even keep your marriage together”. Now, I wonder why I don’t like talking to my Dad???? This, when later I find out the FW cheated and lied. Thanks Dad – you’re a weak FW yourself.
The day I found out FW told me I was lucky i was loved during childhood…
Hmmm well, he didn’t do it to me.
“C’est la vie.”
“Let’s be honest, there are much worse things that could happen.”
“It happens to all of us.”
Late to this post, but a man told me in the grocery store not two months ago…I can’t believe he picked her over you. I very quickly said…no, no, I picked me. His wife said…yes girl lol