What Did You Unknowingly Do for the OW/OM?
Hello Chump Lady!
I have an idea for a Friday Challenge based on a recent post. Politichump wrote:
“The worst part of this is that his wife and I actively supported this “political” partnership, believing that it was important and empowering to support strong male-female coworkers.
And now those two are living together while we share custody of our three small children 50/50.”
From this I thought there could be a “what you unknowingly did for the OW/OM”.
This is from my own experience: I’m a chef with a small event catering business. When FW started seeing his longest lasting AP he once asked her if she wanted me to cook for her. I discovered the texts later of course. Thankfully she declined, but if not I would have spent my business time and resources cooking for her as a “gift” for a “friend”.
She was also a grad student and on numerous occasions FW had me r̶e̶w̶r̶i̶t̶e̶ proofread her friend’s papers. (I also hold an advanced degree in English Literature). I’m sure he was telling them it was his work. I think the only thing that kept him from having me proofread AP’s papers was the “twu wuv” he had for her. He was willing to do anything including spending hours and hours on her papers. I’ve often joked that her degree should have his name on it as well. Oh well.
What do you think?
Sincerely,
Living Free
****
I think most of us chumps have been there, Living Free. I paid the bar tab for an OW who was invited to my wedding. Score!
Sometimes FWs feel generous — partner appliances can be of use for Schmoopies too! But mostly I think it’s part of the sick thrill of humiliating someone unknowingly. The duper’s delight. Being the puppet master and no one can see the strings. Except Schmoopie, of course. Who is either enlisted in the conspiracy (yea! free term papers!) or has to do a pick-me dance with your competence. My wife is a great cook and writer. What do you bring to the table?
This blog has a bazillion examples of this behavior, which really underscores that being chumped is nothing personal. (Of course, it feels very personal.) You were just of use.
Ouch! Tracy! That’s cold.
It is. And when you see cheating through that lens, the behavior makes sense. Cake = more potential sources of usefulness. Abandonment = you’re useful until you’re not. Hoovering = could you be of use again?
Everything is transactional to a FW.
So, CN, what did you unknowingly do for Schmoopie?
TGIF!
Not me, but one of my best, longest friends. She was visiting her adult daughter at Pixar Studios for a week, she made pleanty of fresh/frozen food for her husband and son at home. When she got back, she discovered a text to her husband that said; “Thank you for the WONDERFUL food! You are an amazing cook! Can’t wait to to have you cook for me again!” >kiss, kissrat s#it jerk.
** That is >kiss, kiss< #ratshitjerk.
I tried to get the OW a job at my company, took her resume to the Creative Director and personally reccomended her. One time when we were out and saw her, she walked away crying, I tried to comfort her. Ugh
This reminded me of the time my family was on a retreat with our church. Also attending was the OW, a good friend of mine, but I knew nothing yet of her OW status. She and my husband had been carrying on their deception for a year at this point. Her then-husband was not attending. I knew she and her husb were having marital struggles but she never shared much with me (which makes sense now). I sat next to her by the campfire at this retreat asking how things were going. She was on the verge of tears. Shook her head at me and said something like “everything’s so close to the surface”. Her displaying that sort of emotion was very rare (I always called her a vault, in a complimentary way. She could keep people’s secrets well. Turns out she was really REALLY good at keeping secrets – ha!) The next morning she was sitting alone, directly across from STBX and me, as our church sang and had communion together. I noticed she looked grieved, then disappeared about halfway through the service. Later I offered to ride home with her and a van full of our kids bc I thought she could use a friend, thought maybe she would open up. Three hours of me sitting there extending my time and energy to her, trying to make space for heartache, listen to her. My STBX driving past us on highway, all of us heading back home, waving at her/me, laughing. It’s so fucked up. I realize now my ex-friend was probably – a year into the affair – invested and hoping STBX would leave me for her. I figure THIS is why she seemed so sad at the retreat, being forced to watch him/me doing all the family things, her on the outside. As my mom said to me about this incident: “It’s sick.”
Weepies as performance art, ugh. She was probably imagining you dead but people with personality disorders, maybe women in particular, tend to disguise rage and aggression as “sadz.”
Not everyone who cries easily has a personality disorder. I’m not afraid of strong emotions in general and take other people’s expressions of grief or sadness on a case by case basis. I don’t assume it’s always manipulative and attention-seeking. But there’s a particular drama-y “hunger strike for important cause” vibe to FW sadz, like they’re sucking all the energy and attention in the vicinity to themselves. They “stoop to conquer.” I used to get pulled into that mess when I was young and naive. But after realizing that people with that vibe invariably turn out to be non-reciprocal at the very least and dangerous at worst, I recognize my impulse to “fix” the booboo is really a confused fear response, like the impulse to defuse a bomb.
At a CHURCH retreat, no less. Ugh.5
Oh god, Juniper. I’m so sorry. That’s epically sh!tty.
It turns out that Ex-Mrs LFTT and her AP were a “thing” before I met her. He was married and she was his AP, until their employer (they worked for the same organisation, and one that takes a dim view of that kind of sh*t) found out and they were told to “stop or else.”
About 12 months or so after this happened, Ex-Mrs LFTT and I met and the rest was history …… until 25 years later I found out that they were a “thing” again. It was the old “kids using an iPad synched to Mum’s phone leading to an 11 year old seeing texts that really weren’t age appropriate” manoeuvre, that got them, but with AP returning the favour as he was by then single (two divorces in the intervening years) and Ex-Mrs LFTT was the one married.
So I guess that for 25 years I was – inadvertently – keeping Ex-Mrs LFTT fed, watered and funded (she had and still has very expensive tastes) until her AP was free for them to resume their stately dance. To add insult to injury, it became quite clear during the divorce that she had been using joint funds to fund their lovely days out/nights in restaurants and bars etc for quite some while (and to the tune of several thousand pounds), but I was advised that it wasn’t worth pursuing.
I also gather that he has – very kindly – given her a lot of help burning through her half of the Divorce settlement, which is nice of him. Thankfully I got a clean break, so it won’t be my problem when her money runs out.
LFTT
LFTT, I did the same for the FW until exgfOW became available and contacted him to tell him ‘I’m free!’. 26 years of support (I earned more than him consistently until the last couple of years, or thought I did but, of course, he’d been hiding his bonuses from me). I unwittingly funded their affair while going without myself.
MW,
It’s always the way ….. we minimise our needs so that they can take far more than they are morally (or legally) entitled to. It’s only since our Divorce (clean break as mentioned above) was finalised that I’ve fully realised just how extravagant Ex-Mrs LFTT’s spending was and how much she’d syphoned off while we were together. I view the money that she used to support her affair as just small change within a much wider picture of her financial “creativity” to benefit her at my cost. I ended up taking on a mountain of debt that she’d created to get the clean break, which led to a few very difficult years immediately post-divorce; knowing that she just saw me as a walking wallet to fund her spending would stick in my throat if I let it.
On a happier karma related note, her AP earns much less than I do (I got a huge promotion at work – one that she was adamant that I’d never get – just after the Divorce was finalised) and she was never one to “tighten the purse strings,” so they’ve been regularly dipping into the settlement to fund their lifestyle. It is going to suck to be them when they finally realise that the money’s run out. I know that she’s already told our 3 kids (now adults) that they’ll have to support her in her old age; they told her to go kick rounds!
LFTT
She sounds like such a prize 😂. Well done to you on your promotion. Amazing how we flourish when not weighted down by FWs.
MW,
You are too kind and I now realise the extent to which she was sabotaging myself and our children in almost every aspect of our lives. The four of us are flourishing without her.
As for “she sounds like such a prize” …… her AP won her and he can keep her; absolutely no chance of “takeybackies” here.
LFTT
Rocks not rounds.
Oh where do I start?
Driving them to and from the airport for business trips (afterwards I learned they took a suite instead of 2 rooms)
Power washing her new new beach house
Suggesting my ex help her move various places
Helping to make her 40th birthday party and PAYING for it
Having her to my home for parties and holidays so she wouldn’t be alone (never married and no kids so she only blew up one marriage)
Paying for and making all the plans for us to vacation together
Hugging her
Encouraging my kids to embrace her
It’s a truly endless list
BUT
She also now supports my ex so he can support me
She hasn’t been near my now adult kids since DDay
She’s stuck caring for a too-young-to-be- in-such-poor-health loser
She stays home from all of my family events (weddings, kid/grandkid birthdays)
The satisfaction of the second list outweighs the first list!
You Win!!!! Love It!
That’s right! I love that second list. They deserve each other.
FWs and OW/OM are cowards when they have to face the people they hurt.
My ex can’t look me in the eye (I wonder if she can look at herself in the mirror). She can’t interact with her AP’s adult kids. She’s constantly running damage control for the two of them.
Her AP is too afraid to go to any of my children’s sporting events, plays, etc… He can’t travel with her whenever she visits family. He barely sees his own adult children. The one time he went to my daughter’s play (they didn’t know that I was going to be there), he and ex-PC had to hide in the back corner while I proudly sat up front with my other two kids. I had nothing to hide and nothing to be ashamed of.
Take pride that you don’t have to deal with that mess.
Rebecca, the power washing her new beach house really pisses me off on your behalf. I don’t know what it is about that one that makes me especially frustrated, but FFS!!! Love your second list, though. My divorce is quite recent, but I also have to smile at the “stuck caring for him” bit. Have at it, Schmoops.
Thank you for the kind words, Falling Forward!
The secret is that I love power washing so it was kind of fun at the time. 😊
I’m sorry for your being at the beginning. It’s the toughest place to be. Time will be your friend; just live through one day at a time. ❤️
The OW was my “best friend” which means we talked every day, she and her terribly behaved young son spent almost every Sunday at our house while her then husband worked, our families went on vacation together, the works. I know I financially supported their affair inadvertently since my ex racked up large credit card bills that I made sure were paid off monthly. I babysat her kid from time to time when she and my ex went out (they were “bowling partners”). I comforted her during her divorce (which was a year or so before mine), and I agreed to let her come to my family’s Thanksgiving after she got a divorce at the request of my ex.
In a sad turn of events, those two lovebirds who destroyed two families with their affair broke up about 4 months ago. I laughed so hard when I first heard the news, and it still makes me chuckle.
FreeFromtheBS, “bowling partners.” That’s a new one to me. Sheesh.
I’m glad you’re free. The double betrayal though…I know that particular pain. Pretty sure I babysat the OW’s children at some point while she was meeting up with my husband in the back of her van on the other side of town. I’m so sorry.
He gets dumped by schmoops, and you got relieved of a FW.
Win/win.
FW bet on the wrong horse and lost. Schmoopie dumped him. And by then I wasn’t the least bit interested in taking him back. So he ended up alone.
It was rather amusing.
When we were sat waiting to go in for our appointment to open separate bank accounts, FW started with the ole “I’ve been thinking – it’d be a shame to throw away 25 years of hard work” (he’d left about three weeks previously) so I said “I didn’t, YOU did, but if you think I’ll take you back you’re more insane than I thought”! He never asked again but just last week he sent me a text (11 years post divorce) saying how much he appreciated me. I guess latest schmoopie, while pretty, is the pain in the ass we all figured she was!
I went to stay with the OW and her then husband and their infant son and toddler daughter when they were going through some issues with child protective services so their children wouldn’t be put into foster care. After they divorced and FW eventually began to be sympathetic toward her despite my huge misgivings, I had to deal with her hanging around my house all the time because she had nothing else to do. Eventually she lost custody of her children and out of pity I would invite her over to spend holidays and weekends with us. I even let her recover at our house after she went through a hysterectomy and during her recovery when she and the fw started the affair. I was clueless of course. And at the time I pitied her losing her children because I couldn’t’t imagine what that must’ve been like so I was often doing things to try and cheer her up. At home manicures and pedicures, helping her with her hair, even teaching her how to pluck her abundant facial hair! Naturally we commiserated on the sad state of my marriage and I often cried on her shoulder about how I was trying everything to improve my relationship with the fw but nothing was working. I don’t know how she could sit there and listen to me like she actually cared. I suppose sometimes I still think creatures like OW can feel empathy and guilt though logically I know they can’t. Whenever I think about how close she and I became simply because of our proximity to one another, it makes me want to throw up. That’s one of the biggest parts of being Chumped that hurts the most. She wasn’t just the other woman, she was my situational best friend/sometimes roommate.
I read these comments and even though I don’t know any of you chumps personally, I find I have to take breaks every 4-5 comments because I become so angry that I’m afraid my head will explode. All this sympathy and sacrifice and compassion for these UFAPs (Unidentified Fucking APs–these hideous people who are betraying you behind your back. Iago is a piker compared to these insidious twistoids. In my head they all look like this https://www.pinterest.com/pin/439452876110258298/
#smile and smile and be a villain
Cakeless in Kalamazoo, OMG, what a user. I just…how can people be like that?
Wow, that was unbelievable cruel and so sorry you had to endure that treatment.
I totally relate Kalamazoo! My “friend” of 25 years was devastated when her boyfriend of 10 years was discovered to be cheating. I consoled her and she moved to my neighborhood for support and was a regular guest at family dinner, holidays and whenever she was bored. When I confronted her after DD I told her—you KNEW the pain of being cheated on and you did it anyway—all why purporting to love me and my kids! My ex has never been cheated on and this was my first time. Welp—both FW and OW now only have each other. I hear their fights are epic. My walls sing. F-em!
I unknowingly helped the OW get close to my daughter. I was having issues with my daughter and the FW & OW saw it as an opportunity for the OW to get in there & be “the mom”. The sub-mom thing ended when my daughter eventually saw through it & came around to missing her actual mom, but it sure caused a lot of pain for both of us. Of course, getting back with me soured OWs “motherly” wiles towards my daughter & their relationship is pretty much nonexistent now. You’re only good if you’re useful to a narcissist.
Not me, but my parents — My dad was sleeping with his secretary. For my parents’ 25th wedding anniversary, he bought my mom tickets to a concert. A (legit) family emergency came up and he had to go out of town. What to do with the tickets? You guessed it, dad suggested his AP might be able to go. So next thing you know, my dad’s AP came to our house and my mother kindly, blindly, gave the tickets to AP and said “Have a good time.”
For me — I had a pair of running shoes I bought that I couldn’t wear. FW pulled them out of the back of my closet, dusted them off, and offered them to his AP. When he realized he really give them to her, he put them back in the back of my closet.
I bought the raw materials so he could make her Christmas gift. He was running short of cash, likely because he had bought Christmas for her kids.
I brought her a beverage when he brought her and her “boyfriend” to our house to meet me. (She was FW’s direct report) “Boyfriend” was a twenty something to her 35 year old self.
If I remember right that is the only interaction I had with her, except for they day she picked up or dog to put her down. Dog had a stroke in her old age, and was suffering.
Oh wait we did go to her trailer with friends when we were doing our annual Christmas Caroling in his patrol car. This was the year before Dday which was the following Christmas day.
My friend in the back seat made a kind of snide comment about her. Thinking back, I think that friend had a spidey sense. No I am certain she didn’t know, but she was picking up on something. I wish she was still here so I could ask her.
What was the snide remark pray tell?
FW and I had a freelance business together and, because he was extroverted and I was not, I made him the face of it (even though, if we got a client, we both did the work). I booked him interviews and did whatever it took to get him out there so he could bring us both back some business. He hated the thankless office-work and I hated “being out there” or having my name and face splashed on things, so it worked for both of us.
So, when GF#3/Wifetress happened, she didn’t have to lift a finger. FW already came pre-packaged as a local celebrity with a decent freelancing career. Mostly thanks to years of advancement on my part.
So, when he was gone and I was alone, he sort of effectively took the company away because I had done my level best to make him the face of it and stay a silent partner. When I was back in the pain-shopping days, I could see very quickly on Facebook and Instagram that he hit the ground running and kept the freelance company that we had worked on our entire married life going, only he had pulled the Wifetress into it and she’s the other face of his freelance company now too. “Nothing more to see here folks. Just a old-fashioned, wholesome husband-wife duo working together and doing active and visible charity work!” I felt like he had cut out her face and glued it over mine. Like he had forgotten about the years of effort I had out into, career-wise, advancing him as a marketable freelancer first, us as a marketable freelancer husband-wife team second, and me as a marketable freelancer never.
GF#3/Wifetress definitely stepped in and took advantage of a situation that had taken me years to build (just speaking career-wise/my broken heart and destroyed life set aside for the moment). And, according, to their social medias (which I’ve blocked for years now because ouch), I don’t even exist in this career sphere. It was all them and had always been them. Years of work propping FW up as the face of “us” only to just hand the reins over to her.
I also did this to myself. In my eagerness to advance FW as the face of our work (so I could happily avoid the spotlight and he could happily take it) I never totes my own horn or put myself out there even though I was doing the same work. I didn’t want to and took advantage of FW’s extroversion. I could still do the freelance work that I loved (that I’m good at!) and not have to promote myself at all.
Then FW left. GF#3/Wifetress stepped in as the other half of the freelancing husband-wife team (Fourleaf who? Never heard of her.) and I was left with nearly nothing. They walked away with all the aplomb because I had heaped it (willingly) on FW’s shoulders and hadn’t held some back for myself.
It’s taken a long time but I’ve started from the beginning and have learned to “put myself out there” in order to advance my career because there is no partner to take the spotlight (that I don’t really want) away from me. I’m getting my name out there in my field and now have a book out (something that, in my previous life, I would have probably happily ghostwritten for FW, let’s be honest) and I’m keeping the kudos for myself this time because (looks around) there’s no one here but me and it feels good to take credit for the work I’ve put into things. I wish I could have learned to do that earlier.
Good for you!!
Wow, just swapped you out and pretended you never existed. As Chump Lady says, like buying a new appliance. SMH.
Proud of you, Fourleaf! I was a housepainter for 20 years, and my least favorite aspect was putting myself out there and (as a contractor acquaintance put it) “petting the customer.”
I was okay at it because I had to be. My husband at the time worked in the corporate world and our work lives were entirely separate. Actually, scratch “work” – our LIVES were completely separate.
Your experience resonates with me because my now ex husband was the extrovert, out there schmoozing and gladhanding. In fact, I was known in his friend circle as “the phantom wife” because I purportedly existed but no one had ever seen me.
You are mighty for tackling the tasks outside your comfort zone and keeping the recognition you’ve earned.
Thanks, everyone! It’s uncomfortable promoting myself (I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it), but, if you want to advance in your field, it’s required, alas.
I was only too happy to let my extroverted partner do all that heavy lifting (the promotion) for me. Now he and Wifetress promote themselves like I never existed or poured any time and sweat into his image. I poured all my time and sweat into his image and was glad to do it because I didn’t want to be the one who was “out there.” So, on the one hand, no, he did not take advantage of me; I was only too happy to promote him in that manner so I wouldn’t have to promote myself.
But then took off with a full backpack full of self-image and years of Fourleaf-driven promotion behind him. He and Wifestress started from level 90, and I had to start from level 1, so to speak, because I had done precious little to… y’know… promote myself! And now there’s no one here but me; I have to promote myself if I want to advance in this field.
And it feels good to promote myself. I still hate it, but now that I’m not using an extroverted partner as a crutch to do all the things I don’t want to do (get out there, network, and self-promote), I… am surprising myself with how capable I am at putting myself out there. I don’t like it but, y’know what…? I’ve got this.
FW and Wifetress can have the level 90 that was built off of years of me building him up. Consider it a parting gift, just so long as No Contact is still maintained. I’m at a solid level 10 right now, and it feels satisfying because I’m doing it all myself; there’s no phantom partner doing all the work. It’s just me and it feels pretty great.
I hate being ‘out there’ too, Fourleaf. I’ve had to learn to be more aggressive in promoting myself, realizing it’s also a form of self-protection. I have a Director right now taking credit for my work, but he doesn’t understand it. I can’t wait to hear how he explains the testing and results at the meeting I won’t be allowed to go to. Keep in mind, that office work still needs to be done, and with two show oats running the business there will start to be mistakes, missed deadlines, some friction. The bills will start to be skipped or missed and it will gradually suffer- especially if one of them meets a shiny new client. You are real, and solid, and I bet you were the one carrying that business.
They’ll start skipping the office work, missing deadlines like Susannah said.
Both being narcs, my bet is eventually they will turn on each other. They’ll compete for attention and it will be bad news.
I felt like he had cut out her face and glued it over mine.
This is exactly how I feel. Pretty much instantly after we separated, FW and the OW were doing all the things our family used to do. Where as the things I wanted to do with our family that FW could never be bothered to do like the big camping trip up north I have been planning for a couple years that he could never be bothered to participate in during the planning process was one of the first things he made sure to do with the OW and my kids a few months after I kicked him out. And now he lives the life he used to complain about. Only now he is the Disney dad as well and apparently has no problem doing all the things he used to hate. At this very moment he’s with my youngest at a doughnuts with the grown-ups event at her school while I had some adulting I had to do that could not be rescheduled and no way to attend her event since I can’t drive and I am blind so getting around unfamiliar places is difficult. He does all the cooking, ridiculous amounts of baking, finds lots of excuses to take the kids out to restaurants or shopping when we maybe went out a handful of times per year during our marriage and basically is living the same life we had down to the marriage, buying their house and they are going on their honeymoon to Las Vegas in a couple weeks. She definitely got my life while I am still trying to pick up the pieces.
I’m so sorry Kalamazoo. While on the surface it appears like they got an amazing life, they are still shitty people on the inside & they are truly never have with anyone or themselves. Please take comfort in that ((hugs))
* truly never happy with anyone or themselves
I remember getting so mad when I saw pictures of AP, FW, and their combined children at a fall festival (hayrides, that sort of thing). FW had always adamantly refused to go to any farms for fall festivals with me and our son, because he was “allergic” to hay, or because he was tired or whatever excuse. But he did it with her.
Soooooo many autocorrect typos. Argh!
I had an unusual experience recently where a new (young) friend became “over giving” with me. Making desserts, offering to help with my routine and manageable tasks. I know she was needing to work on not being isolated, BUT I felt a discomfort being on the other side of an unequal effort. I am healing and growing and understand, even more, the warped sense of entitlement required by FWs and OWs. To take advantage of honest giving is a character defect they will never heal from.
I felt this comment so hard. I feel TERRIBLE if I perceive that I’ve taken advantage of someone in some way, and make every effort to balance the scales. I can’t imagine two of these “mememe taketaketake” individuals in a relationship is particularly functional.
I unknowingly at the time not only was I sharing my husband with my cousin. I was paying for her car parts too. My ex used to work on cars(hers only) for extra cash(so I thought). I had an account with Autozone. I would order the parts online with my money. My promised he would give me the money back as soon as he was paid for his work. As you can guess I never received a dime. Later I found out that he was actually working on her car. While I was paying all the bills and at times did not have money lunch he made sure Skankella car was in working order. Boy was I a Chump.
Sorry for all the Typos.
Ughhhhh the car fixing!
FW demanded that I collect and pay for car parts immediately. I had to drop everything to do so because according to him it was so urgent.
Yup they were for howorkers car!
One OW (a university student that both FW and I taught) I convinced FW to give her a job as singer in a wedding band he played in (she got the job). Another OW (our secretary at work) I cooked a 5-course meal for (had a dinner party for work “friends”). That OW tried to be my friend and I also gave her advice on how to deal with the breakup of her boyfriend- .
Not much to report here, except for all the indirect giving of my stuff (example: he would let her use my fly fishing and hiking equipment and/or buy new stuff for me that I didn’t need and give her the old). He also asked me how to cook his favorite dishes because he wanted to impress the AP and NOT, as he told me, because he’d suddenly developed an interest in cooking for the two of us.🤦🏻♀️ This from Mr. I ONLY LIED ABOUT ONE THING.
How could he have lied so easily? How could he have smiled as I taught him how to cook, and let me believe he was doing this for US? This is the part that really gets me. I never would have thought that he was capable of such deceit. He always strode a moral high horse and was especially judgmental of people who…you guessed it…lied.
When I consider this Friday challenge, I am bothered that I really don’t know what else I did to aid and abet that woman and their affair. And it’s this feeling that I was 100% in the dark that pisses me off the most. I do think that my two abusers enjoyed, as CL puts it, the “sick thrill of humiliating someone unknowingly.”
“And it’s this feeling that I was 100% in the dark that pisses me off the most.”
Yep, I will never know how much money was funneled to her in gifts and cash. I only ran three years if I remember right of the credit card, and there is likely several more years of it that went on before that. And likely a few more random whores aside from the main whore.
*rode a moral high horse
Had lunch with two of the OM. Would go over to one of the OM’s house for parties. Went to professional American football (Denver Broncos) games with them. Supported one of the OM becoming a USA citizen. Even developed pictures of the OM who got my XW (8 years into our marriage) pregnant at the baby shower of “our” baby. Sold one of our older cars to a OM. 😞😞😞
😳😡
I am so sorry. This is the worst thing I’ve ever read on this page.
When I was nine months pregnant, I gave FW a birthday party outdoors in the heat of summer. I invited all of his friends, and he invited an AP. I had never met this woman, I was told they knew each other from high school. This woman ate the food I prepared and enjoyed the party while they both enjoyed Duper’s delight on an exhausted, hot pregnant woman. Cheaters are shit people.
OW was (is?) a young (20 years younger) photographer and she did a photo shoot with my beautiful 6 year old daughter to make her portrait portfolio better. That was right at the beginning of their 7 year affair. I definitely burned those pictures. FW had them hanging up in his space.
Btw – I just changed my user name from LOST to ‘lost but improving’. I’m finally, one year later, getting up from fetal position, and I feel it’s for certain this time. Mostly in that I don’t want comfort from him anymore. The depression is still there but it’s being replaced with anxiety now as I have to look honestly at my finances and home and future and custody. Anxiety is no fun either but there’s no way to avoid it, really. I’m starting a new job in 2 weeks. I’m freaking out every day BUT, Im not telling him (nor am I painfully longing to tell him) shit about anything. Fuck that guy.
Thanks CL and CN ❤️
Congrats, LBI. Have been reading your posts and rooting for you. That’s a major step forward and away from the abuse.
Glad you are doing better.
I hope soon you will be totally free, if you are not already.
Love the progress with name change.
There are financial advisors that give free seminars that have resources including legal recommendations. I don’t remember what it’s called so maybe someone else can chime in. It proved invaluable to me because ex continued to use court to abuse and I had the list of expenses that applied to me to take as proof. That resource was a present and future list of what I’d need to live. Things I didn’t take into consideration as would be a future expense. It’s now my budget categories. It did not account for inflation so I’d work in higher amounts with your attorney.
I left so home is what I make it.
I didn’t have to do custody since I only had one minor and he didn’t ask for any time but I’d have fought hard for that.
Your future will be both normal and great. Life shit happens – repairs, illnesses etc. Great because normal stuff at some point won’t send you into a tail spin because you’re capable with the freedom from abuse.
Seriously, don’t tell him shit.
It was at the beginning of the divorce and the advisor really worked to push me out of my comfort, no need, don’t make him angry zone. It was really just a comprehensive list to live financially. He was also going to testify at trial.
The entertainment one had me stuck for a bit. isolated me will need to budget for entertainment? A drink out? Travel? Unimaginable to me at that point.
Next week I’m going on my first vacation for pure enjoyment and I’m in my late 50s. First time flying since college. The ex was sad/angry if he was more than 100 miles from home with us and would never dream of flying. He was fine with long road trips without us but I’m sure he had a female rider and prostitutes along wherever he went because he’s unable to complete anything alone. Gotta have someone to blame if anything happens or he’s unhappy.
*Second Saturday Divorce Workshop* Great resource
We run a talent business. He performs and we book others as well. Until D-Day, I was booking her on gigs (solo and with FW), literally taking my free days to walk business to business to hang posters for her upcoming shows. I booked her travel, arranged her transportation, I even had her IN MY HOME as an overnight guest in more than one occasion, cooked for her, did her laundry, defended her when my own family raised suspicions since her talent was marginal at best at this point in her career (not aging well at all). There’s so much more to this, but this is enough for now.
And – she wasn’t the only one who got this treatment.
Boy, was I blind for so long.
🤦♀️
Well… I don’t know if this counts but, I ran FW’s tuxedo to the cleaner, picked it up and then helped him with his cufflinks and bowtie so he’d look nice for a community event (spouses were not invited). It turned out that he was indulging his 70 year old millionaire (lifted and botoxed) schmoopie’s love of opera with tickets to opening night. He was 56 at the time. During the wreckonciliation attempt, she became our stalker. I guess I expressed too much disgust at the pairing, because later he moved on to the younger crowd.
Well, if we’re counting unknowingly helping exes to pull off the affair as a “service” to the AP: I enabled XW’s pivotal long weekend (she flew up to a neighboring city “for work”, and she and AP spent the weekend in a hotel, hatching their plan to leave their spouses) by teaching her Friday class for her. I literally subbed for her so she could go sleep with another man. When she returned, her loyalty had been completely transferred to AP: I wasn’t permitted to so much as kiss her, even once, after that weekend (though she never explained this, so it was just plain confusing for a couple of months, until my daughter cracked open XW’s phone).
Even though we were separated (it had only been about 6 weeks and I was hoping he’d reconsider), at his request I helped FW pick out a suit and got him all spiffed up for a red carpet event for a film festival where his film was playing. A film I’d played a significant role in making. Not only had I taken care of our kid and home and everything so he had the time to work on it, I was also the costume and set designer. He took schmoopie, and I had no idea. She was his date for the big opening night party. She also went to lots of conventions with him to help promote the film, even though she’d had fuck all to do with making it (he met her after it was already finished). I was never mentioned in any of him interviews or podcasts as having had anything to do with the project. I might as well have not existed.
wow this really hits home for me, as the STBX of a filmmaker/director/photographer who had a gallery show of his images and curated/displayed at least one image of a shmoopie (the one in the show that I know of) and insisted I bring our kids to the opening, knowing her big flat ass would be displayed for all to see ( a nude portrait no less) … and I found out later he invited her to the opening night, so technically we could have run into each other in public that very night. Just corny shit. It’s memories like this that keep me from ever going backwards. Lessons learned. x
With 1st ex’s “next door neighbor” sidepiece I:
– watched her horrible kids as they destroyed my house to give her a break
– cooked dinner for her and her horrible kids as she was a “poor single mom” or when she was sick
– had my mom go over and watch her dogs when she was out of town
With 2nd ex’s “24yr younger nanny” sidepiece I:
– mentored her
– gave her money when she didn’t have any
– bought her clothes, food, toiletries that she “couldn’t afford” at the time bc she was a student and had just started back working so she was in that awkward 2 week gray area where she was waiting on her paycheck and didn’t have much money but needed supplies
– helped her land not 1 but 3 different jobs….including being the nanny
– helped her get her digital influencer video marketing career going
– offered a safe place for her to stay when it came to light her dad was beating her
– offered to buy her a pregnancy test when she thought she was pregnant with her “truck driving” boyfriend….it was more like with “my” boyfriend.
Geez…..after writing these all I can think is I’m so blessed to be long out of these shitty situations! ❤️🙏
Southern Chump,
I think you hit in a very important point for all chumps. It is so important to have these awful stories and awful people out of our lives.
Takes a long time for the anger to go and gratitude eventually show up. But really, no matter how poor or scared or lonely we may be, we are free of the crazy!
I will take a boring, cost-free night on my old couch over any of these awful situations!!!
I control me and know my reality – no matter what that is. I can deal with the truth of my life and actually feel a lot of comfort knowing I know the truth of whatever my life is now.
AMEN Rebecca!
I have a little saying – Vanilla is GREAT!
People always compare vanilla to dull and boring especially when it comes to describing life. However, the reality is, a vanilla life is normal and peaceful. And, the best part is, if you want a change of pace you can always can spice it up or down.
FW hired OW as our nanny so she could stay at the house when I worked, including on overnight business trips. I paid her to watch my kids and sleep in my bed with my husband while I was away. One time I came home and the kids were in bed and the kitchen clean so in addition to payment, I tipped her and gave her an unopened bottle of Versace perfume as a gift. FW watched the whole thing, suggesting I might write her a letter of reference. Thankfully I discovered the affair weeks later, before I had.
It’s sick the games they play while you are unknowingly kind.
I was working at a company that did silk screening and embroidered shirts. AP (I just thought she was a coworker of FW’s) was on a school PTA and FW asked me to call her to help get her products for her school. I called and she was cold and never followed up. I had no idea why until about 4 months later.
FW wanted me to help him shop for clothes — didn’t realize it was to impress AP
FW wanted help whitening his teeth
FW wanted my recipe for salmon “for his parents” (I later saw he sent it to AP)
FW asked me to go to co-worker’s after-work neighborhood bbq. He wanted me to bring with our 9 year old son. When I showed up she said “I didn’t know YOU were coming.” What a strange thing to say to a coworker’s wife! Later I realized it was their way of testing the waters — a chance to get her boys and our son together to play. And FW was feeling like a king, bring clueless me over and watching it stress AP out — he sat back and enjoyed the cake.
Sick fuckers
I unknowingly paid their bills, took them on dates, bought them jewelry, and provided gifts for their children. FW would pilfer new in box items from the house and give them to the AP’s. And then he’d gaslight me about stuff going missing. He “borrowed” money from me for “bills”.
He was seeing a girl who knew he was married with 5 children (he claimed we were separated and he was living at his sister’s). I happened to be visiting his sister and he asked me for pics of their house because they got new furniture and moved items around and he “wanted to see what it looked like”. So I took the pictures and sent them. Those pictures were to “prove” that he was living with his sister, and not his wife. What a fucking asshole.
He also used to get me to take pictures of him (with my phone because I’d couldn’t touch his) and send them to him – he would use those in his dating profiles.
I think I inadvertently took dating profile pics too…
I took a lot of pics of our new home right when we moved in, and sunsets or snow etc, and people including fw at parties – just phone pics nothing great. He kept asking for them – I thought (naively) that he liked them and wanted them. After our cellular bill went up by a strange amount I looked and – damn – he sent every single one of them to her instead of taking them himself because well I guess photojournalism is part of the wife appliance job description… And she was sending weird pics back – her car, the beach, empty hotel rooms. WTF. Bitch even asked for pics of our baby granddaughter but not my stepson or daughter in law – what a sick piece of work. Makes the hair stand up on the back of my neck every time I think about this deranged person staring at pictures of that sweet little girl asleep in her little pink pjs…. Cheaters suck.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I paid that higher cellphone bill as well – the extra charges don’t amount to much more than 100 bucks for the whole year but still – I paid for those two to flirt and FB dry hump all that time!!! Maddening!
I invited OW (coworker) over for Christmas dinner, because I felt sorry for her being without her kids for the first time. She had left her husband a couple months before, and he got the kids for Christmas. Didn’t realize she’d left her husband for *mine*. I also had her over on her birthday (the next month) and made a nice dinner and got her a cake because she was kind of depressed. Both of these were during my “wreckonciliation”. She accepted both invites because it was a chance to try and get FW back.
I had had her over to my house numerous times so our kids could play together, and I’d often make dinner for everyone. She loved “playing house” with my husband and child.
On every occasion when I cooked, FW would rave about my food. OW would ask me how I made it or where I got the recipe. Then she copied me and made the same food for FW. (Or at least, she tried – I saw a few pictures and … yeah. Not really.) FW was having me, all unwitting, teach OW to cook like me, so he didn’t lose the one thing he actually appreciated about me. At one point, FW suggested I write a cookbook “because you’re such a good cook”, and dared to say that OW thought I should as well. I told him I wasn’t giving away my secrets and he got SO MAD. LOL.
The thing was, OW was/is a terrible cook. She thinks she’s good, and thinks she’s a “foodie”, but her food is just awful. One time she made dinner for us all (on one of the “playdates”) that was literally plain tortellini tossed with roasted vegetables, and she didn’t even bother to wash the mushrooms or asparagus (UGH). It had zero flavor, no sauce, no seasoning. Just dry ass pasta and dry ass veg. FW did not eat it, I noticed. He said he wasn’t hungry, so she made a plate of leftovers for him to have later. It was still in the fridge a week later.
She still loves to post Instagram photos of her food, which usually features huge chunks of things in a dish that shouldn’t have huge chunks, or ingredients that shouldn’t be served in huge chunks (like fennel, which is usually shaved very, very thinly – and she just had like, 1-inch cubes of it; or whole ass walnuts in pasta). It looks nasty most of the time. She tried to copy the Oktoberest dinner I always made FW, but she didn’t have a clue how to do the bratwurst (I do it with beer and onions), and her German potato salad looked really dry with… huge chunks of potatoes (like, quarters) rather than slices that can soak up the dressing. Just sad.
She tried. But she just couldn’t be me.
Pretty much, the OW just took over my life – even took the Ireland trip we future planned. Now I have zero interest in ever going. His wedding band was a claddaugh ring I bought him in a larger size since he got bit rotund and couldn’t wear his original band. But then I was forced to attend a family affair and there they were wearing matching claddaugh rings on left fingers. Pretending they were married as we hadn’t even legalized our separation. They also had my artwork and furniture in their house. He just took it off one wall and hung them on another. He also took her on the same whale watch vacays we did with the kids. Honestly, not only was he a cheap bastard, he had like zero imagination. I know she won the prize, but Lordy, he was a putz with no imagination. Can’t believe how much effort I put into making that jerk face civilized. Well, nothing tastes as good as being free feels.
I have no doubt that had FW and AP stayed together, they would have gotten married on a boat in Loch Ness, exactly the way we had planned to do our 10 year anniversary vow renewal. And probably stayed at our honeymoon cottage. AP started putting all these pictures of Scotland on her Pinterest page, in spite of never having expressed any desire to go to Scotland, which is my favorite place in the world.
Hey, matching claddaugh rings are classier than what AP and FW wore on their left ring fingers – cheap ass MOOD RINGS they got as party favors from a charity gala they went to. (No, actually, that sucks that they did that to you. But if we can’t laugh…) We hadn’t legalized our separation or filed for divorce, either, and AP was sporting a “wedding” band.
I used to wonder if AP thought FW had ANYTHING to do with my home’s decor. I hope she liked it. It was ALL ME. So were FW’s clothes, haircut, cologne, car, etc. These AP’s have no idea that they actually fell in “love” with US, the chumps. Because there are so many stories like yours of FW’s using OUR ideas and things to impress their APs. The lives the APs want and think they are getting were made possible by us. The image the FWs maintain was made possible by us (good guy, family man, successful person, competent housekeeper, etc.), especially when chumps protect and spackle FW’s reputation like I did, or when I managed the money to keep up in the black because he was financially irresponsible. All the cute stuff, all the traditions, all the vacation ideas, the restaurants, the food (so many chumps on here mentioning that FW stole their recipes to impress AP). They came up with none of it. In my case, AP tried to copy me, too. Same clothes, hair, etc. It was rather unnerving (and I wasn’t the only one who noticed) and weird. I even found a piece of MY lingerie in the collection she left behind when she dumped FW. Not at the bottom of the pile. In the middle. Like she was wearing my stuff. I don’t know if she knew it was mine. But if FW asked her to wear it… gross.
My ex a****** would pass off my thoughts and ideas as his own. I don’t think he has a true self, he just mirrors whatever person he’s with.
I think it’s kind of disturbing that affair partners can like who we are via our fuckwits, but I think it also means that we are pretty awesome people- you can’t help but turn towards warmth and light!
Innocence: “I don’t think he has a true self, he just mirrors whatever person he’s with”. 100% the same with my ex. He’s just a shell of a man until some woman gives him an identity or a life to slip on like a coat. Who will you be with this one, Mr FW???
She, more than likely, got my 30th anniversary ring (three diamonds to represent our three kids and the 30 years married) ring ‘vanished’ one day right before the final D-day. He organized a surprise wedding vow renewal on our beach front with all our kids in attendance and participating in the event, five years prior. I thought it was his pact to me that his lying cheating ways were behind us and he truly wanted me and our children for the rest of his life.( How the hell many Hallmark movies had I been snowed by to actually believe that was true?!)
Of course, FW said he knew nothing about the ring’s disappearance. I was absent minded and disorganized was his claim and misplaced it myself.
But the place I kept the ring for years without issue, was in the secure corner that it fit tightly and perfectly in, on top of a book shelf in our home. (He had just two weeks before I noticed it was gone, moved all that study furniture by himself to our soon to be retirement beach house.)
I would be willing to make a very huge bet, that one of those diamonds or maybe all three for that matter, are in his wifestress’ engagement ring!!
I try not to spend too much time dwelling on that one, because I’m pretty positive I am right about it.
I know, he took the ring anyway. He even got our close neighbors involved and when that house sold, they called me to ask if I had checked carefully for any jewelry I hid in the house. I knew then, he was telling them made up stories about me and they believed it.
I’ve repeated to myself many times over and over just “ let it go”. It still haunts me he could sink that low though.
It know it bothered him greatly that he had to give up half his net worth to get rid of me and he even told me so during the divorce.
Who are you giving it up too, FW?! Your wife of 38 years, who loved the hell out of you, and our three awesome kids?! I worked and sacrificed for those funds too.
The mistress you met in the parking lot of your apartment complex on day one of move in ( sounds like true love for sure!) is more deserving of our life savings?!
Why shouldn’t she get ALL the monies we worked our entire lives together to accumulate?!
That’s the sick logic of a FW. His dick is the only part thinking about anything and it somehow all makes perfect sense to him. She is so deserving of all he has and somehow, all I have too!
Once they decide they don’t want you anymore, they want their lives to continue on, unscathed, financially fully intact and not a thought to what happens to the family they pushed under the bus. It’s truly surreal. I will never ever understand it.
I’ve never met or seen any photos of his new wifestress. I was hoping to keep it like that for life, but I will be forced into it when my kids marry I imagine.
Maybe I’ll be a lot stronger by then. Maybe he’ll be with someone new by then and the replaced Schmoop’s ring will somehow just disappear from her “carelessness”. 😳💍
Chumpasaurus my wedding and engagement rings that were removed from the house sometime around separation mysteriously found their way back into the top of my wardrobe last week (on ex’s side that had been completely cleared out and the rings definitely werent there). It only took 18 months to return them. Although I changed locks I also found a spare key in a pot plant outside that must have been removed from inside house at some stage. I had been away for a few days so assume ex snuck in to return them. But of course I must be imagining things 🤔
I wouldn’t be surprised if he switched out the stones with fake ones. Such pieces of sh*t, these f*ckwits.
My wedding ring vanished too. I was also told that I was constantly misplacing things. So somehow I was responsible for it disappearing 🤔
The lengths they got to, to literally make us crazy is criminal imho.
Fuck em
EXFW said I stole her rings and wanted me to pay her for them and then claim it on my insurance. A month before this her mother’s engagement ring showed up in the mail and I asked about it. She made up some bullshit. When she claimed I stole her rings. I put 2 and 2 together. She had sold her engagement rings from the first marriage and I guess did it again.
I showed my lawyer a picture on FB of her with her AP after she moved out and she had the ring on. Although she claimed it was her mother’s the picture was good enough to show it was different cut from mother’s. Plus I had the Gem info from ring I bought to prove it was the ring. I informed my/our insurance company and sent in all the info. The insurance company took it very serious being ring was worth 20k. They asked her to file a police report. She never did and dropped the issue, however I think the insurance company is still pressuring her about what happen to it.
At first I thought no way she would ever lie then I realized she has been cheating and lowing for the last 7 years.
So much truth in your words.
“The mistress you met in the parking lot of your apartment complex on day one of move in ( sounds like true love for sure!) is more deserving of our life savings?!”
This is one thing I am happy I got to see. FW just a few scant years after their marriage, (less than ten) over the course of just a few years gambled them into bankruptcy over about three hundred thousand dollars in debt, including their house. He lost it all, except for his big ass car. My son bought his house at fair market value, but it needed a lot of work because fw never cared about his home. He didn’t ours, not sure why she would think he would theirs.
Anyway, they ended up in a tiny mother in laws attachment to the house that he had put on for his mother to live in until she died. They eventually alienated son and sons family and fled to Florida to a run down trailer in a senior complex. He then ran their debt back up for a big ass RV that cost more than the property they were living in. He died and left her in debt.
My son tried everything in his power to talk him out of buying that RV, but to no avail. When son asked him how wife was going to pay it off if he died, he said “don’t care, I will be dead”. She was standing right there when he said it.
He died a year later; last my son heard she has to pay 50 dollars a month to the RV company to make up the difference between what the RV company sold it for and the new price that they owed.
She wanted my life with him, she got it.
I bought her flowers! I am convinced my fw had an affair with the hr manager at his work a few years ago. She facilitated our move to her country and I told my fw to buy her a nice bouquet of flowers as a thank you. Joke’s on me!
My FW, in his sixties, had a secret gay boyfriend — a seriously buff guy in his thirties — who himself was cheating with FW on his own young buff live-in (19 years old, no, I am not making this up). Not sure what to call him, he’s both a FW and an AP — so let’s just call him “Mark” and spare a moment of empathy for his victim, 19-year-old boy trying to survive in a nest of vipers. But I digress. (I met him once — he didn’t even need to shave, so I’m not even confident the claim about him being 19 was the truth)
So buff young AP and his buff even-younger BF got an apartment and my FW very generously allowed them to borrow a sofa we’d been keeping in a storage unit, having no use for it ourselves. When this committee of buff young hot bodies decided they had no more use for the sofa, FW needed help loading it in and out of the family SUV, into a freight elevator, out of the elevator and around a few narrow corridors and back into the storage unit.
Who did he tap for this task? Was it:
(a) Mark, the hot young buff dude in perfect health at the peak of his life in his 30’s;
(b) The unwitting 19-year-old chump, also in perfect health and at the peak of his life;
(c) Your faithful Chump, a woman in her 60’s with osteoarthritic damage to her spinal column, for which two vertibrae had already been fused, and who was under doctor’s orders to avoid the kind of heavy lifting that would inevitably cause inflammation exacerbating the already-existing permanent irreversable nerve damage?
Obviously c).
What a fucking *arsrsehole*!!
“19-year-old boy trying to survive in a nest of vipers”
That makes my heart bleed. Poor kid.
From the Duper’s Delight article (see CL link above & mine below): “Probably what I call duping delight, the near irresistible thrill some people feel in taking a risk and getting away with it. Sometimes it includes contempt for the target who is being so ruthlessly and successfully exploited. It is hard to contain duping delight; those who feel it want to share their accomplishments with others, seeking admiration for their exploits.”
x checked off these boxes:
1. Contempt for targets/chumps. I’m convinced this was certainly part of it.
2. The eventual need to share their “accomplishments.” On D-Day, x seemed oddly delighted to tell me about the affair, that they’d slept in our bed, at the Hilton, on our couch! Oh, and that they first “did it” on his birthday (isn’t the AP a thoughtful gift giver?).
He exhibited a strange mix of remorse and bragging, which fits Elkman’s Duper’s Delight explanation. Not to hijack today’s challenge, but I’m curious if other chumps experienced this.
https://www.paulekman.com/blog/duping-delight/
Thanks for posting that Spinach.
“Probably what I call duping delight, the near irresistible thrill some people feel in taking a risk and getting away with it.”
Yes. I feel sure this was the prime motivation in fuckwit’s desire to have the rat faced whore living in the same place as his wife. What evil fuckers they are.👿👿
These low life’s are something else. I do remember the night he told me he was leaving he worked it in the conversation where he and whore first had sex. I can’t remember exactly how it came up, but I do remember it sounded so weird.
It certainly wasn’t special, it was the back seat of his patrol car. What class.
Spinach: sure did experience this. He sent me scantily clad pictures of his AP to brag! Wasn’t that kind & unbelievably like a 12 year old boy would do with his friends?! Hey, friends look what I got!! I get the last laugh though because she’s a high maintenance cling-on 3x married drama queen & I’m sure he’s sweating bullets now that he moved her into his house & the new toy shine has worn off. Looking forward to the court announcement of her suing him for support & a claim to his house like the court announcements of her other 3 exes! Oh muffin I’ll squeeze out a 1/100000000th of tear for you!
My Jesus cheater had me on the phone, he dialed the number, to convince a “lost” soul of her need to be saved. It was a Sunday morning and we were going to church and we were going to pick her up because she had no car. A guy answered the phone, maybe a boyfriend or pimp? She was one of the young, like in grand daughter age gap, drug addict, street walker prostitutes he was sleeping with while convincing them they needed his “jesus”.
Another prostitute he was using, barely, barely of consent age had the decency of declining his offer of coming into our house for bible lessons with me. He wanted to bring all them girls into my life under the desguise of religion for he knew my motherly instint would kickoff immediately.
And now two years divorced in a friendly converstion he was telling me how sorry he feels towards his new thing, another” grand baby”, no mother, no father, no family, drug addicted lost soul, I was asked if I could talk to her and help her. I can not begin to understand how a man with no soul is worried about his objects/toys soul. Not worried enough to not prey on their vulnerability though. And the man got mad at me because I was kind enough to inform him that he is not a super hero trying to save them young ladies, but a predator.
He’s not really worried about their souls. He learned somewhere along the line that this is what comes out of caring people’s mouths. He knows he’s a predator and needs to lie to himself about that and so he’s parroting what he thinks a good Christian says.
That’s exactly what mine does. I remember reading his Facebook not long after after Dday. Reading his dramatic quotes on life, love, romance…quotes I know he’d normally ridicule. It was obvious he posted these touchy feeling quotes with the idea girls would fall for his deep thoughts.
Definitely a predator.
While I know there are great ministers, pastors, priests, basically people of God out there, I am always suspect of anyone with that so-called “calling”. I feel the same way about therapists. I guess I have a distrust of people that have way too much control over people’s lives but at the same time I know there are those in these professions that have helped so many.
It’s so shady and gross for an older person to mentor a younger (often troubled) person of the opposite sex.
Although, being the same sex doesn’t always protect the young person, as we know. 😞
The most disgusting examples are Christian old guys mentoring young vulnerable women; also “pray the gay away” types mentoring younger gay men. 😠😡
In trying to be the laid back instead of a nagging restrictive wife, he had all the freedom to do anything. I’m here so we know how he spent that free time. That “trying” is the issue. I should not have had a partner where I had to walk on eggshells to try not to invoke an action I had no control over to begin with.
I also provided clean clothes for him to drop for prostitutes and side girlfriends, the image of a man that provides for his family, and a home that he used as an option for whenever.
I gave him what he wanted by disappearing into a nothing without needs or wants.
Initially I didn’t judge him at all. I loved him. Eventually I learned how character disordered he is and how it’s absolutely okay to judge someone’s actions. He spent the entire 33 yrs judging me with a secret scorecard.
In court he cornered me sweating and told me I got this ball rolling and was going to have to deal with what happens. A threat. I had to realize that he was responsible for that ball, I wasn’t going to take it and volley it back. I got out of his game with complete no contact and he could no longer watch and keep score. He can do that with his other unwitting relationships.
I guess I gave another person a character disordered abuser. I’m free
This one hit hard, Informal.
“ I should not have had a partner where I had to walk on eggshells to try not to invoke an action I had no control over to begin with.”
And that’s what was the hardest (and took the longest) for me to grasp – I am not responsible for, nor can I control, his behavior/actions whatsoever. It’s a hard thing to accept when they’re busy blaming you for everything and you believe it.
Never, ever again.
My ex-FW had me bake a birthday cake for his ho-worker’s birthday. Another time (and another OW)…he suggested that I wear some sunglasses that he “found in a grocery store parking lot” and put in his car. I threw the sunglasses away, which angered him. Later at a cycling event, OW walked over to our car and said, “Does anyone have an extra pair of sunglasses? I can’t find mine.” I had already wised up and was planning to divorce the FW. Over five years divorced now and loving the sane life! ☀️
Did I steal your user name by accident? I had a bad feeling I wasn’t being original when I chose mine, but I couldn’t quite place where I’d seen it.
If I did and you had it first…I’m sorry!
Mine has capital letters, so I guess that tells us apart?
I’ll change mine if you’d like.
It’s fine! My first post as Isawthelight was in November 2016, but I haven’t posted much since then. I’m a regular reader, though. Chump Lady has been a life- and sanity-saver!! 🙏 And you are right—the capitalization will distinguish us. I am happy that you also saw the light—life’s much better in the light! 😊
Working my butt off to better myself, get her through school (which she changed degree paths multiple times) in order get our family to a comfortable level when we started off in poverty, only to get replaced by a loser once we got there. I feel pretty used at this point.
Now I remember that I helped him buy her a souvenir for the AP when we were in Ireland. He said it was for his mother. I never saw him so concerned about getting “just the right thing.” And it was weird because he NEVER bought souvenirs for his mom. I remember questioning it, and he just mumbled something and accused me of being unkind to his mom. #blamethechump
He was about to discard me and was fucking around, but, damn, I guess he liked my taste. I was good for that…and for sex. Lucky me. 🙄
I once picked out a gift for OW’s 8 year old daughter (a book of stories about strong women). The thing is, OW knew that I had picked it out (because I asked her if it would be a good choice), and FW was happy to let me do it (it was, supposedly, from my son to her daughter, since they were forced to be friends to facilitate the affair). I guess FW had no idea what to get a little girl. And OW posted stuff on social media about how much her daughter enjoyed the book…
I don’t understand these people at all. If I were sleeping with some woman’s husband, I’d feel so skeevy if I accepted a gift from that woman, even for my kid. I certainly wouldn’t talk about it publicly. My brain just doesn’t comprehend that sort of thing.
The skeeviness is a feature for them, not a bug. Duper’s delight is their drug of choice.
I unknowingly gave her a better dressed and groomed FW. He asked my advice on his hair and clothes. He asked me to shop for nice things. He said it was because I have such good taste and he wanted to look better when we went out together. He was tired of me always being better dressed and wanted to step it up, he said.
After D-day, he whined bitterly that OW didn’t seem to notice the changes or appreciate them. This was a woman in her late forties who actually thought booty shorts and tube tops were stylish.🙄
He was hoping for more sex if he looked better, but she wasn’t even interested in sex with him. She had other, younger guys for that. She just used him as a sycophant and escort for drunken nights out, somebody to get her home safely. She cucked both him and her husband and got off on it. He had pictures on his phone with her hugging on other guys they were hanging around with. The sadistic gleam in her eye and repulsive smirk of duper’s delight couldn’t have been more obvious, but he thought she was just being friendly. He’s so painfully stupid that once in a while I pity him, but then I remember that he is also evil.
“He’s so painfully stupid that once in awhile I pity him, but then I remember that he is also evil.”
Wise and important words to remember, OHFFS. So very true. Never forget that.
Years before D-DAy, he handled all my financials due to an on-the job disabling brain injury. I had no idea he stole both my Workmen’s Comp settlement and my hefty civil settlement. He also cleaned out all the money from my sideline business but repeatedly claimed my son stole it. I didn’t find out those truths until post D-Day, when my banker taught me how to use electronic banking, and we saw proof he transferred my money to his own private account. All were past the statute of limitations, so I couldn’t pursue them. He probably used this money to wine and dine a succession of “life partners” and twu wuv Schmoopies. He hadn’t stopped sharing his electronic calendar with me, so I knew where they were going and for how long. My attorney looked up the menus and was stunned by the costs. He also took Schmoopies on long holidays at peak seasons at very pricey resort areas, where two-star accommodations were upwards of $800 PER NIGHT, and doubtles he was staying at more luxurious lodgings. And as I’ve mentioned before, I had the receipts showing he’d sent the first online Schmoopie upwards of $40k in a catfish scam. Unfortunately, the judge we were assigned apparently did not care about any of this, including the waste of marital funds. Fortunately, I did not “DO” anything directly to support these OWs, but he used my money to woo them.
I really feel for all of you who saw your ex’s hand over your possessions, businesses, homes, cooking, clothing and other aspects of your life and work to their underserving new partners. Truly unfair.
I don’t know what’s wrong with some of these judges. They twist the obvious into something it isn’t.
They must be cheaters themselves.
Your money, he spent on his affair partner but it wasn’t directly?
It’s too bad these judges can’t be held responsible for poor judgements.
I think your fw took egregiously from you. Stealing your disability money etc. There should absolutely be no term limitations of recouping that.
I’d asked FW whether there was something going on between them while we were on vacation. He was AGHAST, and OFFENDED that I would think something so awful of him. He offered to fire Schmoopie (she’s his employee), knowing, likely, that I was a good and decent person who would not take someone’s livelihood from them over my own perceived jealousy and insecurity. So I said no, absolutely don’t fire her. (aside: now that she’s pregnant, she’s still on the payroll, but not doing any work — just sits at home with her thumb up her ass)
When we got back from vacation, she asked him for the use of his work truck to see an out of town concert, as her vehicle was in for repairs. He told her he needed it for work, but I, fresh off a 15 hour roadtrip and feeling rather guilty for having impugned Schmoopie’s honor, offered her the use of my van.
She ACCEPTED this offer (wtf is wrong with these sociopaths?! — zero shame) AND left my vehicle stinking of her perfume (patchouli), AND got a speeding ticket on MY VAN while she was away.
FW later told me that he wasn’t actually involved with her until my accusation “might have put the idea into his head”. Sure, whatever, man.
“FW later told me that he wasn’t actually involved with her until my accusation “might have put the idea into his head”. ”
OH FFS!! It’s all YOUR fault. That’s just evil.
Yeah they went from zero to “in love” in 2 weeks (less than 2 weeks between when we returned from vacation, and when he told me they were in love) because I asked him if there was something going on. Cause that’s a thing that happens. V plausible timeline.
Ugh. The car thing reminds me of when OW’s car broke down at a charity event we were at. I had already left and FW called ME to come and jumpstart it (FW had no clue how to jumpstart a car, let alone have jumper cables, and I guess OW was just as clueless and unprepared).
He then proceeded to drive her to work and ferry her and her kids around every day for a week, because apparently it took a -week- for her mechanic to replace her BATTERY. Something you can get done in 5 minutes at any auto parts store.
They really are totally shameless. Ew. I hope you’re finding FW-free healing now <3
The Limited who never picked out clothing asked my opinion on the shorts and shirts he should buy. He posed on underwear and asked if it looked good.
Given his limitations he was unable to do any activities with me yet borrowed all the ideas I had suggested and stated he was doing those with the whore.
That lasted through the teen infatuation period; now he’s a couch potato with diapers.
The FW would bring him by to “study”, and I’d make him fancy coffee drinks. When he got COVID, I bought him soup and a pulse oximeter and checked in on him. That she got off on doing this under my nose, while I supported the both of them, and then after DDay declaring her newfound confidence, is sickly pathetic.
Ugh, I’m so sorry. You sound like an amazing human, looking out for the needs of everyone in your sphere. Good riddance to FWs who don’t appreciate that rare and awesome quality — I hope the people in your life now know what a good thing they’ve got going!
I made the money he was spending on her. Supposedly he was remodeling our beach house with the expectation that I would retire and we would live there. Instead she was living there and His expense money I gave him was paying for dinners, booze, etc. at one poi the spent $1000 in a week and I couldn’t see any materials charges on the account -just food and restaurant charges. I asked him who he was buying dinner for.. he said just a lot of drinks. Uh-huh..
Similar. Supported him through school so that he could buy things for her and hang out at her place while I was working. All under the guise of “studying.” Funny how the “study groups” were all just 2 people, and always late at night and involving a bottle of wine or two. He ended up with her, briefly, after graduation, so I guess you could say that I facilitated his getting a good job in order to buy her the fancy condo that she wanted. The last time I heard, he was on his 3rd marriage (and lord knows how many APs) so whatever.
Unwittingly, I hosted the AP overnight when she flew in from a different region for medical treatment. Not once, but twice. I cleaned and made up the guest room, I cooked meals, washed the linens after she left, bought extra food to have on hand for our guest, went with my husband and her out for meals (paid for by our family funds). I am not sure, but it’s possible we also paid for said medical treatment out of our joint funds. He said she’d pay us back but I suspect that never happened. The gas for trips to and from the airport and doctor’s office was taken out of our funds, of course. (As well as gifts for her, meals with the 2 of them, etc. etc. during their 3 year affair).
And each time she was staying with us he drove her and sat with her at the doctor’s office the entire time….which almost never happened with me. He couldn’t be bothered to be there for hours of medical exams/testing, etc. with me but found plenty of time and motivation to sit with her during long medical appointments.
The first time the AP – my husband’s underling in his work – arrived at our home, she said “I was so nervous to meet you.” I thought what a strange thing to say, why would she be nervous to meet the wife of her boss? It wasn’t long before I found out why.
It must’ve been quite the thrill for both of them to have the 3 of us together for over 24 hours, but especially for my STBX. As for me, I had a clear “spidey sense” moment when on the Friday evening of her stay STBX suggested watching episodes of the Twilight Zone and she readily agreed. (I cannot stomach that show and he knew it. It was intentional and mean to insist on watching something that left me out of the equation.) So I went in another room. When I came back into the living room I clearly felt like a 3rd wheel, the 2 lovebirds sitting on the couch. Hubby reveling in his cake-eating, I’m sure.
But now he doesn’t have her in his life and he doesn’t have me. Hope all that cake filled him up for a while!
“It must’ve been quite the thrill for both of them to have the 3 of us together for over 24 hours, but especially for my STBX.”
Yep. They truly are abysmal human beings. I remember while the rat faced whore was staying with us, fuckwit was on the phone to someone, (can’t remember who), and fuckwit was crowing about how fabulous it was to have two women living with him, every man’s dream, and how everyone would be so jealous of him. And still the penny didn’t drop. Sigh.
“But now he doesn’t have her in his life and he doesn’t have me. Hope all that cake filled him up for a while!”
Love this.
Oh let’s see. Ex would have me video him singing at karoake. Songs I thought he was singing to me. Yeah no he was sending them to her and texting her while I was taking my turn to sing. He would text me while I was babysitting our grandson ( he couldn’t be bothered to help me or come hang out with us other than to drop off food on occasion) he would ask me to send him pics. Which I found out when the AP dropped everything in my lap that he was sending those to her. Yeah so needless to say our daughter told him that if he were in their life he was never to share pics with AP again. He agreed…. a few months later he was showing her his phone after having the grandchild on a outing to show her pics he took of them( cheats then tries to be the disney grandpa). My daughter said that the AP face popped up in the most recent calls and she said so your talking to her again? Oh no I just called her to tell how she ruined my life…. yeah right we suspect he was facetiming with her while he had grandchild out with him.
The schmoopie in my mirage (thankfully divorced now) is a well-know community activist and directs a local charity. in December of 2020, she asked my then husband to contribute gift cards to her charity “for the kids.” He came to me and asked how much we could contribute and there was just…. something OFF, you know? But … I just had suspicions at that point, he had denied and gaslit and yelled and… you know… all the stuff. But my gut KNEW. I gave in anyway and spent a moderate but impactful sum for her charity. Three weeks later was the final D-Day; Christmas Eve. I found their texts, along with a lot of other stuff he was up to. I resent paying that money to this day, even if it was to a good cause. It was image management for him towards her “Look what a good guy I am!” and to keep me off balance “Of COURSE there is nothing going on! How can you even think that? IT’S FOR THE KIDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Similar thing happened to me, KADawn. I was shamed into making a donation that didn’t seem right. Turns out that schmoopie was involved in this particular cause, and x got to look like the big man for making such a generous gift. But it was my $$. 😡
During peak kibble production, he had me, the AP, other nurses, secretaries, drug reps, and the occasional adoring patient. He also had his kids and, at the time of D-Day, one grandchild. FW was riding high on a kibble cloud!
Alas, FW is retired now. I suspect AP-now-wife is the only true kibble supplier now*, and she must be working overtime to bolster his fragile little covert narc ego.
No tag backs, honey.
*unless, of course, he’s now cheating on his new wife. I wouldn’t be surprised.
I bought tickets to Burning Man for them! My ex asked me to go online to buy Burning Man tickets because he was too busy that day, and they go fast. When I asked him why he needed two, he said he was going to sell one. So I cheerfully went online and spent over $600 for two tickets. During our divorce, I learned through discovery that he took the OW (now his wife) to Burning Man. So yes, I bought vacation tickets for my husband and his AP. What a chump I was!
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My FW wanted to learn guitar …..he asked for a new guitar for his birthday …..which was only a short time before he left. I bought the guitar ……and gave it to him ….he couldn’t play any instruments …where as I could play most ….he got me to teach him some songs …on of which was run to you…a song about leaving your chump to go to ow….as it was a rock song …I didn’t think anything of it …..but that fucker was not telling me but telling me with his dupers delight …..I only found out of this later when after he left ….a friend of his told me how he was impressing the ow with his budding guitar skills playing ….you guessed it …..run to you. ….shallow as a fecking puddle
My OW was a good friend of mine. I gave her my all. Gave her my heart.
He’s one of those “hobosexuals” who’s never had his own address and cycles between crashing with friends/parents and living with girlfriends. So when we moved across the country together after a few years, I showed up in a rented truck full of my furniture and housewares and he arrived with his trusty oversized duffle bag. I wanted him to feel like our home was as much his as mine, so I searched his mom’s Facebook for the best photos of him with his parents and brothers, I printed and framed them, and I placed them around the house, much to his approval and satisfaction.
Several years later, soon after he asked me to marry him, he ended up on probation following his latest DUI (does he sound like a total winner yet?) while working in another state with some buddies. Over the next year, as I planned our wedding and started the process of buying our house, he struggled to pass his drug/alcohol tests and to transfer his probation to our state. I finally called off our engagement, assuming that his addictions had killed our relationship as they slowly killed him too. It broke my heart to think of him having such a hard time, alone and away from home as winter approached. I mailed him several large boxes containing not only those family photos and his other few sentimental items, but also his favorite blanket and books and his warmest socks and sweatshirts.
Imagine my absolute shock when I opened Facebook just a few months after that to see that his mom had posted a pic of him in a familiar sweatshirt, with his arm around another girl, who was holding their newborn wrapped in that blanket. Imagine my revulsion when I spotted the items I had so lovingly created and sent to him, decorating the home he shares with his newest girlfriend.
After confronting the piece of shit in a dark alley (he was a police officer on duty by the way) and telling him to back the fuck off (he immediately put his hand on his gun) he babbled something after I said to him ” go ahead shoot me!” . I found out he called her right away to complain about the confrontation. That gave him sympathy credit. Rodent piece of human trash
And he was the one fully armed? What a whiny wienie.
Don’t feel badly fellow Chumps. I was deaf, dumb and blind to the shakedown because it was done with such stealth, premeditation and diabolical focus. From the onset to the discovery, I was none-the-wiser. I was played like a banjo while Cheater used methodical surgical precision to effect his goals. There’s no doubt I likely feathered OW’s nest- building while unaware I was being double-duped. With alot at stake, my ex went into full-on sociopathic mode to minimize his losses while maximizing mine. Discovery was like awakening to a fully engaged house fire.
Turns out Cheater was involved in the affair 4 full years while Chump and his children had no idea. Sleeping with the enemy that long was the huge catalyst that compelled me to never find myself in that position again.
A bulldog attorney (while at great expense) broke it all down well and served it to him on a silver platter. In the end, I was restored more than whole, rebuilt a good life and learned more than I want to know from the experience. Ex and new wife are reported to be dark shadows of their former selves, living a lifestyle and in a home far beneath former means, lacking family and supports, no-contact with myself or his children, and plagued with health problems.
My FW’s large family came from out of state to cheer on my nephew at his first marathon. I spearheaded the menu planning, cooking, finding best parking/race watching spots, etc. FW was the only one who skipped the race. While I hung with his family all day, his texts show he was busy planning his sexcapade for the following week — during which he banged his coworker (a sugar baby he’d hired for a job on his team) and two sugar babies, and also spent a night trolling for prostitutes and fighting with a pimp.