What Schmoopie Thought They Were Getting vs. What They Got
Hello Chump Lady,
This is “TooManyTears” writing to you.
I have a Friday Challenge idea in response to Caught Him Cheating on the Doggy Cam. There were so many great responses and insights from CN. This one, from, “I can see the light” really sparked a lot of journal entries for me:
“Yeah, it sucks. It sucks to see someone waltz in and take the life you worked so hard for. But I realized that I was the one who had made our life good, and I could do that again, without FW. “
I proceeded to write a list of what the Mate Poacher thought she was getting — and what in fact she got.
It was very therapeutic, to say the least. That led to what my life actually was with X. And what it is now.
I thought maybe this would be a good challenge.
That very same night of that column, I had a moment that exemplified these thoughts… My boyfriend (hard to write at 64…lol) was asleep and I was moving books and papers off his nightstand — and I picked up his phone to set it aside, and I had this flashback — Of my old life!
How I would lay awake at night until I heard the snores of my X, and then I would literally crawl on the floor to the other side of the bed, get his phone, hide in the closet and try and find anything of what my life really was. Ugh! Heart pounding and adrenaline surging!
When I moved boyfriends phone the other night, I was moved to tears remembering my old self, and how now, I had no compulsion to look at his phone.
It was truly a moment. Trust. Is. Amazing.
That led me to think that at that very moment, Mate Poacher was most likely crawling across her bedroom floor with X’s phone in hand….
What she thought she was getting… and what she actually got!
Here’s my list of what she thought she was getting:
Charming, soulful, uninhibited, outgoing, good listener, easy going, gregarious, good employee (they are co- workers) strong, good looking, home owner, great hobbies, solid.
What she got:
A liar, a cheater, a closet alcoholic (hence the charming outgoing gregarious image…)
A drug user, a black hole of unhappiness, a dysfunctional set of in – laws, a weak man, someone she will need to make excuses for, to monitor, to snoop on, and eventually she will be called controlling because she will have to handle everything, due to all of the above.
I had the hobbies, (he leeched off mine) I owned the home, (with a tight pre nup,) his job is iffy now, he has serious debt, and his good looks have faded.
And…she got an unfaithful man.
Wow! Do I feel better! Her? I’m guessing not so much.
Thank you Chump Lady.
TMT
****
Your Friday Challenge wish is my command. So, CN — what did Schmoopie think they were getting? (You might have to indulge in some skein untangling…) Versus: What did they actually get?
TGIF!
I don’t know what she thought she was getting because she knew she was getting a cheater with a DUI and anger issues! They had a baby 10 months after I left him so now she’s stuck with him for 18 years. My former MIL told me she thinks he’s cheating on her 🤣 it’s been a year. They’re all getting selfish assholes and they deserve what they get.
That crawling on the floor to grab the phone in the middle of the night-SAME. I had not thought that that’s what schmoopie is now probably doing. Phew! What a load off!
*raise hand* that shaky adrenaline feeling, I don’t miss that at all. I had to unlock using his thumb so I worked my way up, the plan to look at his phone took me weeks, testing the best times to touch his hand, where to crawl that wouldn’t creak the floor, using my iPod to test if he would wake if his thumb was moved to it, every night my ears would ring, adrenaline surged and I was breathless from trying not to breath loud. Fuck him for reducing me to that.
I remember hiding in the bathroom in the middle of the night, listening to his snoring while I went through his texts. The only way I could figure out how to save them, was to snap photos of them on my own phone — if I’d forwarded screenshots, he could have found it on his own phone’s texting history. I was beyond terrified of what would have happened if I’d gotten caught … now I look back on it and realize that was the ONE thing I did in decades of marriage, that protected ME.
I find this so funny. I literally crawled to her phone on the night stand while she was sleeping. I sat at the top of the stairs and found the guy she was SnapCheating with.
ChumpMike, most of the weeks surrounding DDay were a blur, but I vividly remember sitting at the top of the stairs taking photos of his screen with my phone, so he wouldn’t even be able to tell I had taken screen shots.
He put a lock on his phone, something he had never done before which should have been all I needed to know.
Instead, I rummaged through his brief case while he was in the shower. How pathetic is that?
When you start looking through their phones or rummaging through briefcase you already know they’re cheating.
“He put a lock on his phone, something he had never done before which should have been all I needed to know”
That’s how D-day went down for me – a voice in my head said, “look in his phone” . I didn’t know the password, but the voice recited it, the phone opened, and kaboom, evidence.
I can’t explain it, but it happened.
Very similar for me, too. Except I discovered she was cheating via the Find My Phone app. She was supposed to be in New York on business but was actually in a seedy flat in London. Further evidence was gathered by looking at her computer for the first time in 18 years. These people are scum.
My sister experience the voice as well. She said she was at work when a voice told her to hurry home. She found hubby and OW in bed.
No More, I had a voice in my head too. For three days it said “go look for it.” This was after DDay and I was traumatized so I thought I was going nuts. My friend finally suggested that I actually ask the voice, “what am I looking for?” So I did, and guess what? I literally felt like I floated downstairs and into the garage where I did find it- the black bag full of evidence…this was way above and beyond what he’d been busted for on DDay and it gave me a much fuller picture of how bad the cheating was. I don’t know what that voice was…but it led me straight to facts of what I needed to know.
I think we all struggled to find the undeniable evidence. It seemed for a while as though the very laws of physics were being challenged, as well as the truth.
I found the evidence in the deleted photos on his phone. We were on what I thought was a reconciliation vacation. The photo I found was from their vacation two weeks earlier.
Very strangely, I recently found a photo album of his from before we were married. Under my sofa, in a home we hadn’t lived in for over twenty years (we kept it as a rental property). I have no idea how it got there. I must have been in a daze.
Maybe we were both being looked after? 😇😘
I had a voice tell me to look in his filing cabinet after he left. I had no idea he was cheating. I loved and trusted him.
In the filing cabinet I found a pros and cons list for me and OW. A lightning bolt of shock went through me.
My dad had died a month before this. I felt the voice was him looking out for me. I always want to know the truth.
In twenty seven years together, I never once looked through this stuff or spied on him or monitored him in any way. Had I done so, I’m sure now I would have found a smoking gun.
For our twentieth wedding anniversary, he told me in a counseling session that “for the past few months, I have been thinking about moving out by myself for a while by myself, but I don’t want a divorce.” It blew a hole in me and you could have knocked me over with a feather, but I immediately asked him if he was involved with someone. He said no, which felt like complete bullshit, so Detective Velvet Hammer woke up and started detecting. Very quickly I discovered an arsenal of smoking guns. Schmoopie put the screws on him and told him she’d quit seeing him if he didn’t leave, and it looks like he wanted to continue eating cake. My detective work thankfully ruined his plans. He continued to lie lie lie lie lie until I held indisputable evidence literally in front of his face. Even then, you could see the wheels turning, looking for a lie.
I really regret not checking things out earlier in the game when my gut owas messaging me. 😪
Sometimes it’s not a matter of not following your gut but purposefully avoiding acting on your suspicions as a form of ‘self-preservation’. Your mind tells you, so you confirm your spouse is an asshole, what will you do with the information? Better to be willfully ignorant.
I thought if I left, I wouldn’t be able to feed my kids and doubly worried the harm to them with a split house would be worse than the harm
I faced with burying my head in the sand.
If anyone wants to know whether they were categorically abused, they don’t need to look beyond their own possum behavior. People who have any control within relationships don’t do that. Captor bonding/Stockholm syndrome within dire circumstances are pretty hard wired in our species– mostly because captor bonding is effective, at least as a short term survival strategy. If you don’t think rebellious thoughts that might lead to giving off rebellious cues, abusers might show a little mercy. So abuse survivors typically make their moves to escape when the danger of staying finally exceeds the statistically significant danger of leaving.
DV is no longer defined only by crowbars and fists. The threat of financial ruin as a consequence of escape or resistance, particularly when children are put at risk, is considered a form of intimate partner violence and “coercive control.” Cheating is also increasingly being seen as a form of IPV. https://www.joplinlawyers.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2021/07/FINAL-COPY-Infidelity-as-a-Consideration-in-Domestic-Abuse-and-Coercive-Control.pdf
Lol: “the wheels turning, looking for a lie.” Yep. I remember that. Don’t miss it.
I never looked at his phone because I never suspected anything. I bought all his lies about needing to work late and going fishing.
His sudden announcement that he wanted a separation came as a complete shock. I asked if there was another woman, and he denied it. I said, “There’s always another woman.” He responded, “Oh, you think you know everything.” Three days later he would tell me about the multi-year affair.
Once I knew, I threw on my detective hat. Or maybe it wasn’t so much “detective” as it was “person who was going to be damned if she was fooled again.”
I drove myself nuts trying to figure out what happened where and when. I threw him out and made him promise that when he came to the house to gather his stuff at designated times (we were getting the house ready for sale), he would come alone. I was so traumatized to learn that they’d been having sex in our bed that I would photograph the bed before leaving the house so that I could compare how it looked after he’d been there with the photo. I also hid tape on my closet door to see if they’d entered it. That was such a bad time. #understatement
I went from totally trusting that man (after 35 years together) to not trusting him at all. In an instant, he became the enemy. I could barely stand. The ground beneath me really seemed to be shifting. I worried about bumping into them but also had this perverse desire to spot them together. I wondered who knew.
I’m in a much better place now, 3 years out, but oh those early days were awful. Newbies, please know that it gets better. So much better.
I know exactly how you feel when discovering the affair. The Whore went after him like a wolf. After 35 years, fighting cancer and being a good and faithful wife he left. Never looked back. But she passed away shortly after he moved in with here so he quickly moved into another woman’s house where he is today. As hard as it is living alone at 70, I rather live honestly without his cruel treatment of me
My cats helped me survive the pandemic and give me unconditional love ❤️ Hopefully karma will hit him hard.
” As hard as it is living alone at 70, I rather live honestly without his cruel treatment of me”
I’m 70 too, and I agree with you 100%. xx.
I think I’m going to get a cat. 😻😂
I’m turning 70 in 3 weeks, and I have 4 kitties. I am content.
Same. I low crawled across the room once he was asleep. got his phone and hid in the closet. After that I knew I was done.
Ditto. Except I waited for the snoring to ease out of bed, grab his keys to his police cruiser and stealthily search around. Scared shirtless. It was many more years before I realized hoe ridiculous that was
“They” say, once you have to snoop, the relationship is over….
Yep I crawled too but found nothing and I was so delighted! Then I found the burner phone but I couldn’t access it. I’m actually glad I didn’t have to see it all… a burner phone is enough evidence!
I never did the crawling thing. But there were so many other demeaning things that I stooped to in desperation and because it incrementally creeps up on you. I have to say that I am smiling and laughing at the image of crawling to get the phone. Isn’t it SUCH a relief not to be living like that anymore?
God, same. The surging adrenaline, too. Scroll, scroll, scroll. I don’t miss it!
Me too! Waiting until 3 am to get his phone and check it in the bathroom. My stomach in knots!
Schmoopie knew exactly what she was getting as she’d been out with him for 2 years when they were at school/uni and again in their twenties. As true love soulmates she must have thought third time lucky. Or perhaps she’s a masochist to his sadist. She knew him to be an alcoholic. She knew him to be a grumpy sulk. She knew him to be a pedant and a know all. She knew him to be ‘the dullest person on the planet’ as described by someone who had dealings with him but did not know that we were, then, married. Oh happy days!
I called her and told her what she was getting. I said you can do whatever you want, but don’t say you weren’t warned.
MightyWarrior – I think your FW is the same guy I was married to: “a know it all” and “the dullest person on the planet.”
The dull part is what made it so hard for my brain to wrap around that FW would cheat. He barely talked to anyone and sat around doing nothing. And he still managed to cheat with a coworker??
Wow – I could have written this! He was so dull, so introverted, so difficult to get along with – both at home and at outings with other people. I was blown away when he said he had a girlfriend. If his plan was to throw me off track all those 40 years, he was very successful. I never, ever suspected he could interact with another female on his own. Weird!!!!!
Ahh…the good ‘ole sneaky covert narcissists! That’s their game, coming off as faithful, dull & steady, but having a secret basement with their “alter ego”. Something my ex MIL said about him being secretive as a kid finally made sense: he’d been doing this so long that he was really good at it! He had honed fooling skills that my “take people at their word” upbringing had no awareness of.
When I was unceremoniously dumped at 59 after 26 years, my friends laughed when I said he must be having an affair. They said he was too lazy and too boring to be doing that. They said I made him interesting! Then I found the emails. I have to say that they were very dull too. There was something so repressed about him or he was completely up himself. His favourite word was ‘nice’. Everything was ‘nice’. But he prided himself on his extensive vocabulary. I don’t know what I was thinking!
I love this discussion. So boring! After DDay my brother said when he met FW, he didn’t dislike FW but couldn’t figure out “why him?” My family said he wasn’t that bad when we married, but it was like year after year someone shoved a stick just a little further up his ass until no one really liked him. He was kinda quiet and after DDay one of his best friend’s wife told me her husband always said about quiet FW “Still waters run deep.” I’m sure he meant it to mean FW was busy thinking profound thoughts, but hearing it after knowing he was capable of throwing his family under the ego bus gave me chills. “Deep… And dark and scary.” When no one knows what’s going on in there, and it turns out it’s not what you assumed, it could literally be anything.
I can’t say Schmoopie got stuck with him. One or the other of them called it off, still not sure which. But back when I still cared whether cheating was ongoing, he said he could never be with her anyways because they couldn’t trust each other. He was trying to save himself, but really put a nail in his own coffin because what I heard was “I’m not trustworthy.” So whatever person wins the sparkly turd in the end (not it!) by his own admission they’ll be getting not trustworthy, and sleepless nights sitting at the top of the stairs with his phone.
She thought she was getting a romantic, intellectual partner. Such lovely texts he would send.
What she got was a judgmental, angry little man. Someone that will embarrass you in front of friends as a “joke”. A man that will ignore everyone if any sports game is on the television. A man that will always put his needs before anyone else and make sure you know he is more important than you.
Good Riddance!
Seems like a lot of us married the same guy.
Cheater x tried to use “humor” to disparage me in front of others.
When I didn’t laugh, he maintained that I just couldn’t “take a joke”.
I can take a joke, but you’re not funny motherfucker.
When every “joke” is at someone else’s expense, it’s mean not funny.
And the best part? He never laughed at himself and always took a lighthearted jab directed at him by responding aggressively. Not that I ever dared to tease him in that way; learned my lesson about that pretty early in the relationship.
Now I think that someone who can’t laugh at themselves is a red flag, indicating at the least that they are too full of themselves.
“He never laughed at himself and always took a lighthearted jab directed at him by responding aggressively.”
Oh, I can relate to this! Ex fuckwit to a T. Any affectionate, mildly teasing remark made by me resulted in a massive tantrum, or at best, prolonged sulking. But all his nasty little jibes at me masquerade as ‘humour’, and if I objected,” you can’t take a joke”.
Freedom from all that is pretty damn good.
The ex was exactly the same and still will be. I have to say that there are a lot of people in England who can dish it out but who just can’t take it!
Sounds like my ex!! He was great with the lovebombing!
Sounds like mine too. A judgmental angry, petty ass man. He won’t pass up an opportunity to ramble on about himself. (He’s the hero in all his stories).
His needs always come before anyone else’s even his own child.
He’s arrogant, uses vocabulary and his education to make others’ feel inferior..
She thinks he’s funny, great sense of humor until the only time he laughs is when it’s at you.
Tells “jokes” at your expense.. If. you mentioned that you don’t like being ridiculed, too bad, you don’t have a sense of humor.
Everyone else thinks he’s funny.
Early on, I got to read some of their texts and emails. She thought she was getting a great guy who is introverted like her. Someone to help her with her 2 teen boys because she was a single mom (sort of — separated 4 years from her husband who moved to Germany). She also thought I was crazy and so mean to him. And he told her that I couldn’t get a job and was a terrible mother.
What she got? A covert narcissist who hides everything from her. If he’s unhappy, he won’t tell her. He holes away with a book and his phone. He aged overnight …. He looks 15 years older than he is. Every job he’s taken has kept him on travel away most of the week. I’m sure he doesn’t cook or clean anymore. He breaks everything (my son even let me know that he clumsily jumped on APs bed and broke the frame. He won’t replace it for her. He buys crappy (or no) gifts. He’s shit in bed — I’m doubtful they have sex much at all (he’s rarely home anyway). The in-laws are horrific — ignorant and narcissistic and beyond racist (I’ve heard she doesn’t even attend much of anything with them anymore. He’ll take our son to see his grandparents, but AP doesn’t go with). He clogs the toilet — daily. He’s a hoarder of trash. AP doesn’t allow our son over her house anymore (not since the start of the pandemic) and she never sees our son — but FW will randomly spend entire weekend days with son on a moment’s notice —- AP and FW don’t seem to do much together at all even on weekends.
lol I am so thankful that dickhead is out of my life
The similarities are making my head spin. I scrubbed the bathroom twice a week and it was still never clean. He could not wait to go in and take a dump while I was still in there scrubbing. Is this a FW thing we could send a warning red light signal out on?
He ate me out of house and home. I spent lots of our budget on feeding him and the kids and I kind of got along on the bits he didn’t inhale as soon as I schlupped all of it into the house by myself. And then he pooped like clockwork several times a day. Always in the bathroom. Now, of course, I realize the last few years he always had his phone in there too. Dick pics while he poops? I’m sure he was taking them while taking his sudden new interest in hot, soaking baths after years of verbally shaming anyone who would “sit in their own dirty water.”
My bathroom is now always clean and nice and I rarely do any cleaning in there. Just spray around and wipe things down once every couple of weeks. And toilet paper? It turns out you can buy a pack of it and it will last MONTHS! Not days.
Yes! My big pooper was a big eater, too. My daughter and I can actually get some damn ice cream now – he’d inhale a tub overnight. I am saving a lot of money on food.
OMG I had a toilet bomber, too, complete with gross sounds 4x a day. I do not miss the pee drops on the floor, either. This is inspiring me to make a list of the little things I’m glad to be free from.
Oh the sounds. He often did it while we had guests. Maybe he had no control over the timing. If that’s the case, then I do have empathy. But what I don’t understand is why he didn’t shut the door to our upstairs bedroom (the one with the en suite bathroom) and/or play loud white noise.
Horrified that our guests could hear (and I made him aware that those of us in the kitchen could indeed hear everything), I’d turn up the music in hopes of drowning it all out.
He obviously didn’t give a shit, so to speak.
There’s a metaphor in this. Chumpy me made a habit of covering for him. #spackle
And the schmoopie won all that and more!!!! #needagoodbrush🚽
The few times I hosted a cooking party or it was my night to host Bunco, ex would place his fart machine near where everyone was sitting.
In the middle of the cooking party or the Bunco game ex would have the machine make noise from upstairs with his remote.
My guests would ignore the noise knowing what it was. No one thought it was funny..
We could all hear him laughing hysterically from the bedroom upstairs . He’d then come downstairs waiting for someone to say something.
Like a child constantly looking for attention.
I have a sneaking suspicion that narcissists are very proud of anything they produce – including their toilet sculptures and the lovely smells and sounds that go along with them. To them it’s probably considered masterpieces.
Like two year olds fascinated with what they’ve deposited in the potty. 🤣
The ex’s brothers and father used to talk about their toilet products or ‘logs’ as they called them. I just thought they were weird.
Ex and his siblings (sisters and brothers) had recordings of themselves passing gas. The highlight of their family get togethers would bring up the recordings. They’d laugh hysterically, I’d never known people who were as fascinated with bowel movements and flatulence as they are
It made me wonder if they were molested as children because of how often it was a topic of conversation.
I could have written this 👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻…. Weird how they are all so similar!
They are all the same. When I told Goofy everything he said and did was so cliché, so predictable – the look on his face was priceless! Shock! Awww, poor man-baby.
I know fw’s whore was just looking for a meal ticket. He wasn’t her first effort at poaching. He was just the first one stupid enough to set her up with “hand”.
Honestly, I think even though he cheated on her, gamboled them into massive debt, filed bankruptcy; she was still better off than when she was single with three boy to feed.
She never went back to work after they married (she was about 37, he was five years older. He lost his standing in the community, his cushy office job, his captains bars etc. I don’t think he thought that would happen. Quite frankly neither did I. I thought like I am sure they did that she would just be slid in my place and his life would go on with everything I helped him build. Whoopsie.
“… gamboled them into massive debt”
I know that’s a typo Susie, but when I read that, I had a vision in my mind’s eye of a fat ex cop skipping through the casino. 🤣😂👮♂️
He clogs the toilet daily 🚽 🤣 Because he’s full of 💩?
Nut Cluster Free Zone – Indeed he does! I don’t miss the toilet issues! We lived in a town house with 4 toilets. He would use ALL of them — so they would all be stinky and dirty.
I hope AP is enjoying her life with the sparkly turd that provides more than his fair share of literal turds.
What is it with these creeps and toilets? I had a horribly clogged toilet and a $350 plumbing bill after I got rid of the FW.
Sorry to have been so gross but I just couldn’t resist 🤣🤣 They’re all full of shite! Happy Fuckwit Free Friday everybody 😽
Since they shared sex, a secret 3 million dollar apartment, 14 hour “work” days, business travel, one office and my lifecycle events, I think she knew what she was getting!
I don’t think she expected him to go to family weddings, birthday parties or to visit his kids and grandkids without her. She was never married and has no kids so I do think this was a shock.
If she resents that time, attention, travel and gift money…too bad, so sad.
I don’t think she was expecting the rapid decline in health or hospital visits. Couldn’t happen to a more deserving couple.
Fella with cool hobbies. Good looking. Funny. Sweet. Interesting. Interested. Strong with standards (gotta laugh at this one). Family orientated (even bigger laugh!!). Affluent. Good career.
‘cool’ hobbies take up all the time and money. Looks faded (old and haggered last time I saw it). Funny when you or kids not done anything to piss it off. Sweet but only because it’s what’s expected in a relationship not because it’s genuine. Stick in the mud. Couldn’t give two shits about anyone else, used everyone around it. Weak minded. Weak willed. Dropped a family. Scrooge. A career I got it that the only thing it said it liked was that it was within walking distance……not anymore as I kept the house within walking distance. It now has to drive there.
I see all this now, but it takes time to truly see.
Hugs to you all ❤️
Oh and a totally shit lover. I had nothing to compare it to so always felt unsatisfied but didn’t know why!
I know now 😉
I love this comment Claire. I was the same. After 25 years with him, and then a few years went by and I was brave enough to have sex again, I was like, “wow, that’s what it’s suppose to feel like!” We put up with so little to be with these FWs…
He doesn’t believe in foreplay after you get married, That’s what you do before you get married…
So there’s that. lol!
One of the things I really resented was a cuddle *always* had to lead to sex. We could never just have an affectionate cuddle on the sofa, it always ended up in sex.
It got so if I felt affectionate, but didn’t feel like acting like a porn star, I avoided showing affection.
Oh god, yes. I started pulling away if he hugged me, because I didn’t always want sex. There was NEVER affection for the sake of affection. I had some physical issues that made sex painful for awhile and he didn’t seem to know how to relate to me if we weren’t having sex. It’s like he knew no other form of “intimacy”.
Same here. It was a huge issue in our marriage, the lack of affection unless it would lead to sex. I used to actually get jealous of the dog. She got more affection than I did. 🙁
This could of been my comment, exactly how I felt for 12 long years.
We didn’t even have much sex, after we got married. Just enough to produce one baby, and after that we had sex exactly twice over the next two-plus decades. Or at least that’s all the sex I was getting. Apparently his sex life was alive and well, just not with me.
Ours became almost no existent. He’d approach me as I’d be getting ready for an Dr. appointment or walking out the door. Then say I always turned him down.
When he was interested he would never cuddle or make any attempt of being loving.
He’d yell from another room, hey, Brit, “let’s grind one out.” Who could turn that down?
When I wouldn’t be interested, he’d complained that I wasn’t passionate enough to just “grind one out,” which meant no touching, except for rubbing genitals until he was satisfied.
She thought she was getting an attentive, romantic partner, now she’s being asked to just grind one out. Wonder what that does for her.
You’re not alone, Walk. And I didn’t even get a baby. Ten years, nothing, not a squeak. All attempts by me to discuss were met with the sad face turning away (ie disengaging). I assume now that he was being faithful to exgfOW. He was rubbish in bed compared to past loves. Really poor. I was always kind and understanding. I made allowances. I knew that he wasn’t up to much in bed before we got married and it did bother me. I should have put my own needs higher in my list of priorities.
Yep sounds familiar walkbymyself. I was often the one asking for sex and I concluded he had a low sex drive. Well, just with me apparently
Same here. I was the one initiating every time. He was happily on apps looking for —- outside our marriage.
The AP who married my ex thought he was getting a high-earning, responsible, smart, got-it-together, look-you-in-the-eye, free-spirit, cool soccer mom.
What AP got was an underemployed, binge-spending and bill-avoiding, clever-but-intellectually-incurious, non-adulting, compulsively lying, sociopathic middle-aged woman who carries 50 pounds more than the old photos she sent him online.
Oh and she apparently still takes solo weekend trips for vague reasons to distant cities where other APs happen to live.
Cheaters cheating on cheaters is a beautiful thing.
Wait…that’s my STBXW.
The affair partner thought she was going to get a new husband… (ther they were both married at the time- coworker) I heard after three years and she pressed him on it and he said no, she left. Now he’s lost and lonely. Poor things. Both of them. So sad. 🤣🤣🤣
I recently contacted the other woman because I am healed and felt like I could potentially help her save herself from decades of abuse if she just had the opportunity of comparing notes on how my ex cheated on me. I strongly suspect that my ex pretended our marriage was dead to this woman and she got into a relationship with my ex thinking it wasn’t cheating. It’s been two years since the end of my marriage, and I had no idea whether they were still together or not, but I still wanted to take my chances. I wrote her a message offering to compare notes on the story of my divorce if she needs to know it for her own benefit one day. She wrote back and told me they are no longer together (I didn’t probe as to exactly why) and she apologized to me for all the harm she caused me. It was actually very therapeutic for me to get this apology since I didn’t get one from my ex for cheating. Obviously, Schmoopie didn’t get what she wanted out of my ex, which I’m not surprised about! This whole experience really cimented “Tuesday” for me and I finally feel like I graduated from renting a flat in Meh-Land, to purchasing my own home!
She thought she was getting the financially secure younger guy who is in touch with his feelings and such a good dad to his 2 kids. What she got was the broke football obsessed binge drinker covert narc. She finally got around to divorcing her husband once our divorce was complete. She was divorced for just a couple months when my my ex-H unexpectedly died. Mic drop.
I’ll drink to that!
Karma…….love her when she’s in overdrive.
Whoa. Apparently she made sure her AP was divorced before she filed, playing it safe so to speak, and once her divorce is final the AP drops dead. Life certainly showed her there are no guarantees…this is an awesome story.
When I caught him the last time (DDay 3), I figured the ultimate punishment would be letting her have him. He spent all our (mostly my) money on himself. He hoarded up the garage and had junk rotting outside that he refused to throw out. I hoped he would move in with her, the parasite that he is, it would have been lovely, but alas, after breaking up both their marriages, the doomed lovers parted ways. Oh well.
My biggest fear in the beginning was that somehow he would escape marrying her. I actually prayed that he would marry her. Even before CN, before internet or any idea of how to manage my situation; I just somehow knew that the best punishment he could get was to get what he wanted.
I am confident I was right. (though I do regret wasting prayers on it).
She thinks she’s getting a good father. But he’ll put his own chaotic daughter (from his first marriage) ahead of her and her daughters forever.
She thinks she’s getting a good storyteller, but 30 years of those stories are from his time with me and 40 years are from his time with his best friend – her deceased husband. They cheated on their friends and spouses. The stories will always be tainted.
She thinks she’s getting a socially conscious man, but I was the one who expanded his actions beyond yelling at the TV.
She thinks she’s getting the benefit of my former marital house, but he won’t move/sell it and won’t put her name on the deed.
She thinks she’ll gain the status of his solid family – as opposed to her bleak childhood. But they know what she did.
She thinks she’s knows where he is now that they are not each going home to their former spouses, but she’ll always worry if he’ll abandon her, too.
“She will alway wonder if he will abandon her too” gold
Slaggy-Anne thought she was getting a highly successful man. Farm in the stockbroker belt of England. Flash expensive car, great career, good credit, money in the bank. He did indeed have those assets. We had those assets. As a covert narc he would have let her assume it was all down to his acumen. She had targeted other men she thought wealthy from our circle, but they didn’t take her up on her offers. He’s also a pro at love bombing and putting you in a pedestal. He keeps any unhappiness bottled inside and then resents you for it but is as moody AF a lot of the time. I guess she’s seen it now.
F/FWD to now. They live on a rough estate in a council rented property. He lost his 20+ year police detective career through stealing; his flash car, that he bought my half out of, didn’t keep up the payments on, was stolen and not replaced; he’s lost and not replaced half his teeth as he’s scared of the dentist ( I used to go with him and hold his hand); he’s only 53 and looks 65 now; he made up such outrageous lies in court about me ( without evidence) that made the judge cross, I was awarded the farm, some cash and a small chunk of his pension.. I’ve been promoted twice at work and my little side farming business is going from strength to strength now he’s not scuppering my plans or taking money from it. Hard work but now so rewarding.
It took me 6.5 years to get to true Meh. If the rumours are true then he’s always miserable now, never smiles. What a life they have together 😂 She defo got what she deserved. A loser that has already cheated on her twice that I know of. Meh
Teddy Chump, I love your gain-a-life success story! And I love how, years down the line, it becomes so crystal clear that the chump was the one who brought the value to the marriage or relationship.
When I met the Lying Cheating Loser, I thought I was getting an intelligent, honest, emotionally available man. One who wanted to work hard, side by side with me, to build a great life.
What I got was a lifelong cheater, habitual liar, and lazy moocher.
It’s been 4.5 years since I dumped him. I’m reaping the rewards of my hard work – I have my dream home, dream job, and lots of free time for travel, hobbies, and time with family and friends.
The LCL has ensnared dozens of women in his web of lies since I left him. I’m sure they all think they’re getting an intelligent, honest, attentive, and appreciative man who, due to his past with the “crazy” ex-wife and “crazy” ex-girlfriend (me) is reluctant to commit.
Which, to these women, is just a cue to pick-me dance harder.
He’s going to continue to cycle through women, extracting as much value as he can before discarding them.
I feel lucky I got away from him as quickly as I did, with only four years of sunk costs. And honestly, he is part of the reason I’m so grateful for my life today. The worst, loneliest, most challenging day of my post-fuckwit, cheater-free single life is still better that the best day I had with a Lying Cheating Loser.
“The worst, loneliest, most challenging day of my post-fuckwit, cheater-free single life is still better that the best day I had with a Lying Cheating Loser.”
^^^^^^^^^
This. 👏👏👏👏👏
Chumpnomore6, although I wouldn’t go so far as to say I’m grateful for the trauma and abuse I suffered, I am grateful for the perspective it gave me. Just feeling safe and at peace in my home and my life – priceless.
Teddy Chump, I love your success story! And I love how, after a number of years, it becomes crystal clear who brought the value to the chump/cheater marriage or relationship. We chumps build new and better lives, and the cheaters crash and burn.
When I met the Lying Cheating Loser almost nine years ago, I thought I was getting an intelligent, honest, emotionally available man. A man who was interested in building that great life with me through hard work.
What I actually got was a lifelong cheater, habitual liar, lazy, passive perpetual teenager absorbed in videogames, shitty dad and employee, selfish, boring albatross around my neck.
I did all the work to create the life we shared, while he sat on his ass, sexting randos.
I dumped him 4.5 years ago. Since then, I’ve bought a 1930 Tudor revival (cash at auction) in a town 100 miles away and lovingly renovated it. It came with an amazing sunroom that I turned into my art studio, and a dilapidated one-car garage that became my workshop.
I still work hard, but my hard work is so much more rewarding now that I’m not dragging along a recalcitrant manchild and subsidizing his cigarette- and beer habit.
The LCL moved back home (the other end of Texas – the “dodgy” end lol) and has successfully ensnared a long, long string of women in his web of lies, fathering and abandoning a couple of babies along the way.
They all probably think they’re getting an intelligent, honest, emotionally available man, albeit wounded by his crazy ex-wife (mother of his two teens) and crazy ex-girlfriend (me) and therefore reluctant to commit. The younger chicks he goes for (and the older ones who are dumb enough) just take that as a cue to pick-me dance harder.
He’s almost 40 and will be broke his whole life (child support for the aforementioned babies). He creates drama and conflict wherever he goes. He’s estranged from his family, and an absent father to his two older kids. He’s a hobosexual, shacking up with any woman willing to foot the bills in exchange for an occasional kibble and some mediocre sex. And, like a hobo, he will keep hopping on and off various trains until age and prostate issues force him to settle down.
I pity whoever his last woman turns out to be. But I am eternally grateful it won’t be me.
He disowned his son within months of Dday. I refused him when he wanted to come back so he cut his son off. Total loser.
Fab that you’re also building a happy life. Love the resilience of us Chumps 🙌
Forgot. He’s £50k plus in debt and on a debt recovery plan with nothing to show for it. Came out in court 🙄
I love to hear of the arrival of the consequences caravan, from a former chump. Flattening a cheater/an abuser, backing up and rolling over for another go. It doesn’t happen enough, IMO. Oh well. 🚌 toot toot.
Oh my…OW’s gold-digging certainly did not turn out as she had planned
Mine, liked prostitutes, so:
What they thought they were getting: $200 left on the nightstand.
What they actually got: $200 left on the nightstand.
What HE thought he was getting: Away with it.
What he actually got: fucked over in our divorce.
Haha, same story here. Give me all your money, loser. He will have nothing more to spend on hookers anymore, its all alimony money from next month on until forever.
Yep. As someone once said “Alimony = the fucking you get for the fucking you got”.😄
😂
I’ll change it up a little, I tell you what he got. He got woman who is insecure and has low self-esteem to the point she has cosmetic procedures done, one who chases validation from other men as she ages. A woman who flirts with other men, has a wandering eye, and wears revealing clothes so other men will look at her. Have fun buddy, cause it’s your turn now.
What she got was an overweight loser, who continues to live in his glory days due to his failure to launch. One who is a 30 year old man child, a who went through a rough patch of continued job loss and a short failed marriage.
Schmoopie got to know my FW when they worked shoulder-to-shoulder (later crotch-to-crotch) at a local plant nursery while I was sleeping on a friend’s floor working away in NYC to support our family. I’m sure he seemed suave, funny, charming, handsome (he was 60 or so pounds lighter), with an adorable British accent and a super sense of humor. He used to make me laugh too. Not so much anymore. She must have fallen at his feet and he would have been so flattered by her attention and adoration. She was already divorced and living nearby with her mother. They decided to call it quits finally in 2014 (though they were still in touch by email when I discovered the 20 year “romance” last December – 30 years after they began it). She must have been trying to make him divorce me so they could enjoy living off my hard-earned $, but he managed to resist that final shithead move though he did pay for half of her new house in Buttfuck North Carolina.
I doubt she wanted him for his sexual prowess (he was, after all, essentially a virgin when we met) since he was a consistent premature ejaculator with a low sex drive. He now farts to beat the band, loudly and with sickening regularity and overt pride in his prowess, and has the most stomach-churning breath due to his habitual mouth-breathing, has become Type 2 diabetic, had stones removed from his bladder due to prostate issues, and likely hasn’t seen his limp dick for 20 years due to his enormous beer gut. At least he has the sense to sit quietly for hours of an evening playing solitaire wearing the hearing aids I forced him to adopt to prevent premature dementia. Actually, she’d probably welcome him back even now to get her hands on the $ (all formerly mine) he’s still got. So she had a cheater who was a lying liar who failed to appreciate that he was emotioanlly abusing both me and schmoopie, a coward, a fearful deceitful man who balked at intimacy, was incapable of communicating any of his emotional needs, and who felt entitled to end a marriage for a bit of sex on the side and someone to cook for him when required.
I should be lawyer-shopping and no contact with FW and every one of my flying monkey in-laws (they are all dead to me), but I need to stay married till I get my permanent residency (3 years down, 2 to go) so I am hoping HARD to be a merry widow long before I’m a divorcee. Yes, purely out of spite. 2010 post-nup means I can only lose more in a divorce settlement if he files first.
The holidays are coming up. You can prepare trifle with all the fat, sugar, carbs and alcohol, roast goose with cracklings, steamed pudding with suet, mince pies with hard sauce, and all the amazingly unhealthy things that are part of UK Christmas traditions. Let him serve himself his just desserts 🍮
My FW was and is a diabetic. When I still cared, I went to great lengths to develop professional-standard healthier versions of his favorite things. (I have a professional background from a previous career.) He would even cheat about that, sneaking around to eat poor-quality pastry in cafes without regard for the sugar or carbs. It was always a lie, just an excuse to belittle my ability
So obese he has a “turtle” penis 🤣
Yep! My XH is near 400 lbs. His penis looked like a (rounded) elevator button. Or a golf ball in a shallow cup.
Believe me, he didn’t know what to do with it either. Except scary, non-consensual stuff.
Now there is an image!
Lmao..
knowsila, you should write comedy! Really!
Thanks! I cannot fecking wait to laugh about this, but that seems a long way off. Still very mired in the crying phase for now. We all really were rendered chumps by the same disappointing specimen.
The one AP that knew he was married thought I was the problem and he was the gem. She was in another city and planning to move here so they could do a lot more sneaking around. Final D-Day came around and he sent her a breakup message, then connected with her again like a week later. I think she finally kicked him to the curb, but I don’t pay any attention anymore. I’m sure she still thinks I’m the awful person, but it’s none of my business anymore.
What schmoopie thought she was getting:
A dynamic, intelligent, handsome man.
Someone who makes a lot of money and would keep her in a very comfortable lifestyle.
What schmoopie got:
A dynamic, intelligent, handsome, AGING, man.
A liar and a cheater.
Someone who ran up debt because he no longer had a highly-responsible, high-earning wife (me) who managed his finances.
Someone who could no longer maintain a comfortable lifestyle and so he sold his beautiful house and bought a double-wide trailer in a trailer park.
Someone who she can’t trust and so she checks his cell phone regularly.
Someone that every time he leaves the house, if he’s not calling her or texting her frequently, then she’s picking up the phone to find out where he’s at.
Someone that when he goes out without her, she’s checking on him and ‘casually asks’, ‘Who else is there with you?’ (As if he won’t know why she’s asking.)
Someone who’s definitely getting tired of taking care of her parents now that he’s retired.
Someone that’s always paying for things for his daughter (my former stepdaughter), her druggie husband, and her three dysfunctional kids.
Someone that is regularly babysitting his great grandchild because his granddaughter is a flake.
Someone who maintains a horrible relationship with his son’s widow (my former stepson’s widow) in order to see his other granddaughter.
Someone who probably wishes the end of his marriage with schmoopie.
HA HA HA!!!
Well, I only know a little of the cowardly liar’s story — that which trickled through friends, plus what I see online as I try to keep an eye on where he’s living — but I know a few things…
– the person he married 2 weeks after our divorce was final was his ex in just under a year (I was wife #1)
– the next person he married needed her mom’s sign off to marry a gross old man, and she was his ex after just a few years
– he’s been married, and divorced, a handful more times, at least 4 (20 year span since me)
– it’s consistently 100% clear to me, via a 5 minute peek at social media, which person he’s communicating with is his next-in-line (and likely already in his pants) as he prepares for when his current one becomes his ex, and I have been right every time
Once seen, can’t un-see. (Yuck.)
I don’t check as much now that a few of the people I care about have aged out of his target demographic, but I still like to know where he’s skulking around to help me avoid his haunts if he’s nearby. My favorite times are when he lives thousands of miles away. I’m not afraid of him, I just don’t want him anywhere near me.
Also important: What he lost.
– Unwavering support, fidelity, and empathy
– Deep and consistent love and passion
– An honest and trustworthy partner
– Fun and adventure and laughter and play, in ways that that have no down sides and do no harm
– A lifetime of understanding and acceptance
– A brave friend who faces challenges with a problem-sloving attitude, disability advocacy and support, and the iron stomach of a surgical floor nurse (matters more than many realize)
In my life, these things are only available to a person who reciprocates them, and he lost out. Absolutely his loss.
That’s a great list!
Your list is a good one, and I think is likely true for many chumps. Reason being, if we had not been so committed and loyal; it just wouldn’t have hurt us as bad.
I have no doubt that is what my ex lost.
My now H values all those things in me, and vice versa. But to be fair my now H and I value the same type of life style. FW was always looking for the next thrill (toy/boat etc) and of course unknown to me strange pussy. I freely helped him get his toys, but I didn’t know he was funneling money for strange.
I like the reframe. Its what these fuckwits lost…. they lost it all ❤️
I noticed in OW’s boast posts that her pix showed her car always parked outside my former house. Well, well, I snickered. The FW finally managed to con the garage for himself! You see, he always tried to take over the entire garage & I insisted that my car be parked inside. It’s not like he was doing anything constructive in there & now am certain he was just using the garage for porn & hook-up surfing. They have also been “engaged” for a couple years now. He told me he didn’t believe in long-engagements when I married him. Also, my kids said he has some sort of legal agreement (that OW agreed to) that she couldn’t lay claim to the house. So while he had to split everything 50/50 with me, looks like he won’t be with her. I now make more money than he does (there’s a post-FW benefit!) & her job is low-paying so yeah, I imagine there is “financial” tension for them now because we had that even on my higher salary. FW’s going to protect whatever asserts he has left like a guard-dog with half a bone & he will get vicious if he feels a threat to that! Yeah the “happy smiles” boast-posts I’m not buying anymore. Their relationship is on life-support apparently (from my kids’ opinions) but it may last if they find some twisted satisfaction in stewing in dysfunction….and who would want that??!
I’m switching it up a bit. Here’s the smoochie version:
Ex thought he was getting:
– an “amazing woman” who I needed to be more like
– a bread winner
– an “amazing mother” to her kids and their love child
– fun, outgoing, health nut who “takes care of herself”
– an “anchor”
What he got:
– a kleptomaniac
– personality disordered and abusive parent in the disguise as “loving” (she sent both of her young children to rehab and psych wards for a week to “scare” them)
– a psychically abusive wife who would fly off the handle randomly and beat him then call the police and say it was he that beat her. She is literally a “ball buster”!!!!
– a nurse practitioner that prefers not to work and instead drink and dope her kids with meds that she has access too because “they are too much”
– an “anchor”….literally! She had tattoos of anchors all over herself and made him get an anchor on him to show his undying love for her.
They are divorced now after she kept beating him. He is now on Victim#3. We shall see how long that last.
Wow Southern Chump! Those poor kids! When an awful, scary thing to do to her own children. It’s a shame they don’t have someone sane to advocate for them. 🙁
It all goes back to the barb-wire monkey concept. Cheaters held it together by “playing the part” in a stable relationship with the Chump until they no longer could. Internal demons, deep insecurities, disordered coping skills, and an unwillingness to face their own internal conflict have to come to the surface somewhere and with someone.
They don’t leave for someone better than us; they leave for someone worse than themselves. It’s the path of least resistance where Cheaters can find their equal and hope to move forward undisturbed by higher expectations and standards of society. They don’t understand the old adage, “Where ever you go, you take yourself with you.”
And thus; with no self-awareness, willingness to face their demons, or desire to change, the cycle repeats itself.
There is no quality of life, growth and development, positive change or happiness to be found where they are. At best, there may be a few dollars, revolving fun and entertainment, endless attempts at stuffing bad feelings, and insincere attempts to hold onto what they think they have.
It’s all yours, AP. Thanks for the offload and good riddance!
“Internal demons, deep insecurities, disordered coping skills, and an unwillingness to face their own internal conflict have to come to the surface somewhere and with someone.”
Yes, this is my take. Early on, FW had enough self awareness to recognize that he was plagued by internal demons but became enraged when I suggested therapy. Guess he used me instead. I provided stability and support. I helped regulate his moods.
I suspect AP saw a different FW once I was out of the picture and all emotional buttresses were removed. I hear he’s alienating people.
Just because they’re married doesn’t mean they’re happy.
Spinach@35: It really helps a Chump tremendously to realize that this was going to happen no matter who they are with. If it wasn’t us chumped, it would have been someone else. For the first few years we take it personally because we don’t know any better. Once we learn that we weren’t that “special” to them to begin with, but were merely a “stand-in” accessory to their lives, we begin to impersonalize the relationship. Then we can face the horrid reality that fixing one’s picker; allowing relationships time to reveal character, conscience and courage; and seeing others with eyes-wide-open is so very important.
Don’t let a Cheater define you forward or reduce your capacity to be the quality person you really are.
The longer Chumps ruminate and fail to release Cheater toxins from their system, the greater the chance is that it will imprint upon your mind and heart and diminish your future.
Latitude, I’m reading your posts right here over and over. It’s been several months since I read something that resonated so incredibly deeply, and I have done A LOT of reading this year!
I know I have more detoxing to do. Your words will help.
Thanks, Latitude. This is a great reminder.
“They don’t leave for someone better than us; they leave for someone worse than themselves.”
Damn…! That is perfect. I’m stealing that.
I know, right ? That phrase goes in my Chump Nation Nuggets of Wisdom journal.
Wow, I couldn’t have written a more accurate description of my ex. Chilling. Sad for him, too, a pity really. My flip side is that I had no idea how good my life could be.
Latitude: thanks for your insight! Exactly true. My ex has dropped the pretend-image of himself & has reverted back to his true self. He believes his 60 yr old botoxed, boob job & fillers “girl” is attractive arm candy while everyone snickers around them. I’m younger & look younger than that, but being “flashy” was more important to my ex than actual beauty. This reminds me of homely Jeff Bezos & his own flashy day-old muffin Lauren Sanchez. All glitz, no substance.
Day old muffin… LOL !!!
Wow – my stbx has the exact same “girl” (actually she refers to herself as a “gal” ) 60, on her second, even bigger boob job, frosted hair from the 80’s etc … And she is in for a big surprise in about 6 month when the smoke from the lovebomb wears off…..
This is a GREAT challenge that has made me smile more than once while reading everyone’s responses and “fondly” composing my own. I’ll skip actually writing up an answer to the question because we were all (essentially) married to the same person, a few characteristics change, but the overall animal stays the same.
THANK YOU EVERYONE!!! What a treat to read. 🙂
She thought she was getting a morbidly obese , middle aged , married co – worker that looks identical to Shrek .
What she got was a morbidly obese , middle aged married co- worker that looks identical to Shrek
If she thought the travelling over the world was him or he paid for it she was shit out of luck 🤣
And I’m 100% sure that weekends away we use to go ( 2 incomes no kids so we use to go away lots of weekends) are over since she had 2 children in a year !!
My poor, poor ex impregnated his jobless new gf within weeks of meeting her (while we were still together) so they didn’t even get a chance to do the fabulous weekends away that he and I used to enjoy. So sad!
What she thought she was getting: considerate, intellectually-curious, woman-loving liberal.
What she actually got: love-bombing, deeply misogynistic and conservative, one-trick pony who stepped out on her at the height of covid, risking her life.
Good luck to her.
(disregard errant comma)
Oh my God. I cannot participate in the challenge right now because I too am having a flashback of crawling on the floor to snatch his phone and scroll it in the living room (rather than closet) after he went to snoring. I am sick at my stomach and almost crying. Fucking hell, y’all!!! 16 months post final dday and divorce, and 11 months post last ditch Hail Mary Jesus-changed-my-life wreckoncilliation scam. THANK GOD that chapter of my life is done and OVER. I don’t have to live that nightmare of an existence ever again. LACGAL!!!
Sorry about that ImmaChumpToo. I have had similar reactions in the past. I think this is all a part of healing and it is not always pleasant. But, like ripping off a band-aid, it helps the process. A friend who had been through it before me described the whole process as peeling back an onion. You just don’t know how many layers. Not an especially original metaphor but spot-on for me.
I am happily remarried to the man that has been by partner for 12 years. I am thrilled with my new life but a few years ago I read a novel that brought me to tears – totally caught me by surprise. The book brought up the thoughts that the whole shitshow (that had happened a decade earlier) was just a shame. Our marriage didn’t have to be that difficult, our family shouldn’t have had to break up, and the kids deserved better. My tears over these things were so unexpected but I remembered the onion.
These things happened to us and they are traumatic. I suspect you won’t be alone in your reaction to today’s post and I hope that you feel better in the long run because of it – another layer. Hugs to you.
Sorry for your emotional triggers… I was a mess for a long time. I wrote now to tell you that it has been years since this all happened to me but my deep inner-self has purged the worst of the memories of those feelings. I know it happened but I can no longer recall how horrible it all was and felt. It has all been replaced by the details of my new life. Tuesday (Mehday) is hard to finally get to, but it happens
I guess that Ex-Mrs LFTT’s AP (now in his 50s) though that he was getting his AP back from when he was married and she was single and they both were in their 20s (yuk), and was hoping that they could live a carefree life funded by her destroying me financially in the divorce, leaving me to do the hard work of bring up 3 kids whose only role – as far as they were concerned – was to obey their mother and look good on her social media. Sidenote: their initial affair occurred before I met her and I didn’t find out about it until well after we were married and had kids.
What he actually got was a lightfingered, manipulative and dishonest alcoholic with depression and spending habits that bear no relationship to her income. Sadly for them both, the divorce settlement worked out very much in my favour in the long term, although I did have to deal with significant levels of debt in the short term. I understand that, 5 and bit years on from the divorce being finalised, there is very little of the settlement left as a result of them living the high life on money that she should have been using to buy a house and set herself up for the future. Similarly, the kids have worked out exactly who their mother is now and keep her at a very long arm’s length and refuse to have anything to do with him.
Sucks to be them.
LFTT
What’s advertised: (and I too thought all of this, once upon a time): A handsome kind loving man. A smart creative professional who also works/ builds with his manly hands. True love. Great singer/songwriter/ electric guitar player! A cool guy. Friendly to everyone, helps everyone.
Inside the box: A covert narc. Constant liar. Not a lover but a love bomber. Needs multiple women in his life to stoke his ego. A man who thinks everyone is selfish because he is. A pack rat verging on hoarder. Actually not good at his job at all – borderline non-functioning. Constantly spins wheels creating an illusion of “I’m so busy and important! I need to answer phone calls all the time! Everyone wants to talk to meeee!” but is unable to actually accomplish the simplest of tasks. Unable to manage money and deeply in debt. A terrible dancer with no sense of rhythm or coordination. An aging garage band rocker who hangs out in the most depressing of drunk dive bars with other wannabe musicians. The act of “helping” is only to pump up his ego when actually he causes far more problems than he solves. The friendly facade is a veneer for total selfishness.
OK …We were married to the same man… OMG.
Ah yes- the guitar-playing, country-rock singing, beer bellied, band leading middle aged music star wannabe..I forgot to add that part
Yep, the catterwalling screecher who thought he was singing country but only knew the first five bars of any song on the guitar!
Let me pile on here. The wannabe singer-songwriter who can’t carry a tune with his whiny, screechy voice and spends all his money on guitars and banjos that he never really bothered to learn how to play well. The “sensitive soul” who will write a song for you that’s so ear-numbingly awful that you plug your ears when he plays/sings it (discreetly, so as not to hurt his feelings and bring on a screaming tantrum). The self-styled music expert who confuses polite listening with thunderous applause. Yeah, I know it well.
Lol. Mine bought a ukelele because many of his friends are musically gifted and he felt left out of their jam sessions. He practiced really really hard!!!…for about three days, before losing interest and abandoning the uke in order to move on to his next “passion”.
Pretty good metaphor for our relationship, actually.
“He practiced really really hard!!!…for about three days, before losing interest and abandoning the uke in order to move on to his next “passion”.
You’ve just reminded me that was ex fuckwit as well. Over the years, he took up so many things, dulcimer, guitar, chess, water colour painting, Texas hold’em poker, probably more but those are the one’s I chiefly remember, (plus all the money he spent on them) they all lasted a week at most. And he was furious with me for spending money on books.
The only thing that stuck was sea fishing. And now the rat faced whore gets to stand on the end of Bridlington pier at midnight in the pouring rain, being cursed at because he can’t find his bait, not me. ☔😂
What she thought she was getting: my home (nope, sold); my kids (nope, 8 years later and they loathe her for her continuing selfishness and disregard); a playful, easygoi
…. Easygoing guy (nope, he is a moody, depressed alcoholic); a man who cherishes her (nope, he’s a sociopath whose cheating on her- he has no regard for anyone and openly blames her for his misery and threatens to get a restraining order against her weekly). Too bad, so sad
I’m looking at the Birthday Day card she sent my FW during the 3 year affair. Not only was it a highly inappropriate card as a co-worker but it reads “you are handsome, smart, funny, strong and incredibly sweet”.
Now she has a FW who is scrawny, and looks 15 years older, simple-minded, manipulative, arrogant and entitled and most of all soon to be broke as the life he paraded around was quite simply, because of me. Good luck trusting him as she was party to all of the hundreds of lies that were told to me, our kids, family, co-workers in order to think they could successfully carry off a 3 year secret second life. He is the broken gift that keeps on giving!
The level of self delusion that these adultery partners convince themselves of is amazing. Sorry you can not sneak around and lie and con other folks with someone and not know what you are getting.
Susie… They all think they are special, and things will change with them… Yes, self delusion!
So even tho they KNOW they’re with a cheater and liar, THEY will never be cheated on or lied to, because they have a special LOVE.. sometimes referred to as Twu Wuv, which always makes me laugh.
The consequences for his dishonesty with the whore is what got me through the first year post DDay! 😂 and still gives me pleasure to rekindle those thoughts. What she thought she was getting: provider, beach house, great Dad for son, money, stud. What she got: unemployed leech, trailer with open sewer, money locked up in IRA for another several years, viagra-dependent alcoholic. When she realized that I made all the money and paid for the properties that she so admired and his checking account was funded by me which I cut off and he had to get a minimum wage job to pay for his phone and gas…she was on to her next mark. Karma!
trailer with open sewer…omg
That is a karma bullet train
What the AP thought she was getting,,, a kind loving man that was disrespected by his family, that was in a loveless marriage. That her love was all he needed to be healed and complete. She thought she was getting a war hero who did wonderful things during his 20 yrs in the army, that she would have a man that drove a brand new vehicle and made lots of money and would be able to take her all over the place and she wouldn’t have to be concerned for anything again. A man that was awesome in bed that would do ANYTHING.
What she got, a man who has adult children that want nothing to do with him because he is a lying cheating narcissitic alcoholic. A man who resented his wife caring for him after knee replacement surgery because it interfered with him talking to AP. A man who did serve his country faithfully for 20 yrs but many of his stories are not exactly true. A man that yes does have money but will be sharing a portion of that with the stbx wife because after 33 yrs marriage she deserves it. She got a man who doesn’t want to commit to anyone telling him what to do. She got a man who drinks a 6 pack or more daily and when supposedly stopping hid it. She won a 59 yr old man child with two new knees and many other multiple surgeries who has to use a blue pill to you know. He gets angry if you park in his parking spot and don’t ever go against him or tell him he’s wrong. She thought that she would just swoop in and become friends with the kids and be the greatest step grandma to the grands as well. She didn’t expect that the daughter would go on her page and tell the whole world what kind of low life she was and how horrible she was early in the morning before she could see it. She didn’t expect that because of her he would never be able to see his grandkids and then he might blame her.
He thought he was getting a woman who would worship him and do ANYTHING in bed he wanted and take care of him and believe all his lies…. He got that… She got a prize that if they are still together ( I don’t know) she is doing the low man crawl across the room to look at his phone and wondering if its locked and why and is this the only phone he has… since I know he used two… She is yet to find out that oh those lovely pics she sent him… well he shared those as well also… ENJOY YOUR PRIZE>…..
The last relationship for my then Ex-husband/Father of my sons, that I know of, was when he married my former nail technician. She was younger than me, and I was 8-years younger than him. She was divorced, with 2 children, one of the children by her ex-husband. The oldest child was the result of her seducing a soldier who was stationed in her home country, thinking he would marry her and get her to America. That didn’t work out. The marriage for her second child didn’t last either. Still no citizenship. So, she expected, and eventually got citizenship. She also expected money and a home. She eventually got a home, which she has inherited now that he is dead. She cannot really afford it, but you know it looks so good! If she doesn’t wise up and sell, she may lose it by foreclosure. It will be her second foreclosure if that happens. She got a much older husband with serious health issues including diabetes and ED, with a history of serial relationships with women all his adult years. She knew about his infidelity, because I had told her why I divorced him because we talked while she did my nails. I never dreamed she was seeking information because another friend/client of hers knew my ex thru work and was trying to fix her up! I think she was getting older, needed citizenship, and had come to the realization she wasn’t going to nab a rich doctor or lawyer. So, she settled for an over the hill Realtor.
He expected a nurse, housekeeper, cook, driver, grocery shopper wife appliance. He expected she would not understand his business or question him about anything because she did not read English well and had limitations speaking it. What he did not expect was her jealousy and temper tantrums and rages. I don’t know if he was capable of cheating, or if Viagra worked for him. I really didn’t care after we were divorced. My children told me about the temper tantrums and rages. I think the jealousy is what you get when you knowingly marry a cheater.
What I got was a divorce from a cheater. Eventually after much soul searching and work on my picker and surviving an epic fail at attempted love with the Lovebomber, and another divorce, I found who I really was and could be. I found peace and stability in my life. I launched 2 sons into maturity — they graduated from college and work for a living. I have no regrets about either divorce. My only regret is how much of my precious time was wasted because I never thought about questioning my belief system until the pain of living with the disparity of what my life was vs what I thought my life should be grew to be too much for me to endure.
When CL says lose a cheater and gain a life, she sums up my journey. Why did I never ask myself “Is this acceptable”?
I didn’t expect to have to. I was not prepared for reality by my FOO. I did not figure out what to do for a long time. I didn’t have CL, or any comprehensive advice from therapists. I had to put the pieces of the puzzle together by myself and learn by trial and error. But the great news is, I did! I also learned not to share personal and private details of my life with someone who was not a friend. My posts here are done with the hope it will help others get well faster. I hate wasting precious time.
She thought she was getting a war veteran and a rich dude. She got a guy who was booted out of the local Reserves, and is a cheap fcker
Funny this never occurred to me until this challenge. My ex is very quiet. Does not like to be the center of attention. In the beginning, I told people you don’t see the ex I do – in private, he’s funny, affectionate, romantic, generous. At the end, I was saying the same thing – you don’t see the ex I do – in private, he’s verbally and emotionally abusive with angry, explosive outbursts, breaking things and punching holes in the wall. At our divorce hearing, it was cathartic to watch him boil over, yelling at me, his attorney, and arguing with the judge. Finally, other people saw what I did. We’re a year out from divorce – I saw him at one of our kids’ events the other day and his knuckles looked all beat up. I guess he’s still angry and doesn’t have a marriage to me to blame anymore. Hope his AP enjoys him punching holes in the walls of the house he and I built together. It was a beautiful house – she definitely got more than she bargained for.
what the 33-year-old thinks she’s getting:
1. a dynamic, intelligent executive working at the big oil-and-gas company
2. a guy who has lotsa $$
what the 33-year-old actually got:
1. a 60-year-old active alcoholic, addicted to on-line shopping, etc.etc.
2. a guy who’s been sidelined in his executive job at the big oil-and-gas company, no doubt related to his unchecked anger and inability to balance his unit budget
3. a guy who spends all his $$ and is maxed out on credit, some of it hidden
4. a misogynist controlling her moves, thoughts
5. dysfunctional in-laws with assorted addictions and no boundaries
6. a guy who never talks about his feelings, bottles them up then blames her for his unhappiness
7. a guy with a sub-basement of sexual fantasies that i don’t want to think about. #gah
8. a guy who places himself inside fantasy scenarios of male characters from popular movies by reenacting them in real life. this can be in small ways. did i mention he once bought an outfit same as one worn by daniel craig in a bond film, right down to the trainers? then there was the bill murray reenactment swim at the park hyatt in tokyo. #lostintranslation
9. a rage driving
My closeted ex has just taken up with a new woman (not the one he cheated with, the one with whom he was “experimenting” he was a woman). I sent her a message to say he wasn’t what he seems; she replied he told her he’d “experimented” but that was merely “compensatory behavior” (but for what?) and he didn’t need that anymore. So: message sent but not received.
She thinks she’s getting real monkey love but she’s getting a barbed wire monkey.
Compensating for a micro-penis, maybe. He could pretend it was actually a clitoris.
He already does. He once told me he considered the glans of his penis a clitoris. And he thought a dildo up his rear end was the equivalent of p-i-v sex. Because what defines “woman” is “that which is penetrated.”
Adelante-
What the everloving fuck? In his mind, “wo” must mean “object whose sole purpose is to be penetrated by”.
May he be afflicted with rectal prolapse. Or what male prisoners call “pink sock syndrome”.
Omg..I did not need to know this!
All the Schmoopies were love-bombed with expensive meals and travel, and would have thought they were getting a kind, generous, adoring, honest, financially responsible, successful man who would, per his emails to the first one I knew about, pay for her education, buy her a business, work at her business, and would love to have her children. She would have gotten a physically and emotionally abusive, stingy, mean, belittling, cheap manchild who would demean her accomplishments, have no interest in parenting, be unable to keep a job, lie constantly, and would spend all his time, energy and money trying to become a successful, famous celebrity in his late 60s.
She didn’t get someone loyal and honest because he was married to me when they got involved. And our daughter caught him on Tinder while he was living with her. (Amanda Tinder is his new name on my phone. It encapsulates so much!). He told me he wanted to know “what else was out there”. 😱
Good luck trying to communicate with him. It’s a frustrating nightmare. This will be further complicated because her English is not great. And the culture clashes will likely be a source of fireworks as well. She comes from a culture where saving face is paramount, and his frequent oblivious tactless faux pas will be a perfect foil. Mr. Etiquette Gentleman Social Graces Discretion he is not.
She has been married before, and with adultery as a foundation for their association, evidently neither of them has learned anything to improve their relationship game.
The nice cars he drove her around in to impress her belong to me. My daughter and I decided to give them super details and smudge them rather than sell them. Traitor Ex, in addition to the Dodge Ram hookup truck featuring the custom plate I gave him, has since assembled a collection of two crappy beater cars for a fleet of flotsam.
Every nice piece of clothing he owns was bought by me. Anything new I’ve seen him in is chintzy and ugly.
I think kissing him was over for me when I saw him pick his nose and eat it. She can kiss his booger mouth now.
He is cheap cheap cheap cheap cheap as they come. She’s in for a big reality check because she likely was fooled by owning a business and the buildings it’s in and a sailboat and a couple of nice cars (mine), and those nice clothes I bought him. Never trust a man who washes his hair with a bar of soap because he thinks shampoo is an expensive waste of money, or owns only two ancient bike jerseys with rips and tears though he rides his bike daily. Ebenezer Scrooge is more generous and thoughtful than him (a fact obscured by fake lovebombing generosity when we started dating.)
He is a cheap selfish self-centered liar/cheater/thief/traitor, who fucked over not just me but his own child. Why she would expect to be treated differently is her insanity. But she is just like him, so they are actually a better match.
“I think kissing him was over for me when I saw him pick his nose and eat it. She can kiss his booger mouth now.”
Aaargh!!! 🤢🤮🤢
What is he, two?
Exactly ! Little kids eat their boogers ! 🤣🤣🤣 Behavior matching one’s emotional development.
“But she is just like him, so they are actually a better match.”
Yep, even in real time when I was hurting and confused, I knew deep in my heart and mind that she deserved him way more than I did.
What she was sold by my X- a hot, healthy, motorcycle riding, swinger. A drinking buddy and concert goer. Such a funny, nice guy who helped others all the time.
When I left him, he had nowhere to go, so ended up moving into her basement 🫤 (she’s a real piece of work, too, so I think really did not want him living with her!) She ended up with a deeply depressed alcoholic chain-smoker, who could not keep a job. The motorcycle was never taken out anymore, no more concerts, and his health went completely down the drain, since he no longer had someone like me to care for him, and futilely try to minimize his bad habits. She was drunk all the time, so probably not wise to hang around her!
Plus, the kicker, he’s been trying to get me to come back for the entire time, which made her furious, LOL
I did try wreckonciliation once, to my huge regret, and got away for good years ago, whew! If only I could get a do over on life. I never would have married this nut, but we had three lovely sons, so there’s that.
Anyway, I’m sure AP was shocked how bad he really was! It was a match made in hell.
Schmoopie thought she was getting a loyal lap dog who would worship her forever, no matter how many other guys she fucked and threw that fact in his face, and one who would never, ever admit they were having an affair, let alone give me her name, because she had ordered him to never tell no matter what happened.
What she got; a weakling who threw her under the bus almost immediately after being caught, allowing me to give her husband the heads up her deserved, providing him with information about her trysts with other guys besides FW as well.
To say she was angry with FW is a vast understatement. AFAIK, they’ve been dead to each other ever since.
Look whose smirking now, bitches.
I never crawled across the floor or hid with her phone…too afraid I imagine. But, after 22 years of marriage and two years post divorce, I realize my ex and Schmoops are peas in a pod…totally deserving of each other. They mirror each other beautifully.
What Schmoops probably thought he was getting was a knockout woman understandably frustrated by decades of an unfulfilling marriage to an emotionally and sexually unavailable dimwit (me). Shmoops thought he was getting a restless, kick-ass woman with the guts to go for what she wants in life (him), suddenly uninhibited by the tiresome, stifling and outdated norms of monogamy and family. He thought he was getting an emotionally stable, fun-loving woman to go on bike trips with him and his friend group of 50 somethings unlike her ex that lacked the creativity and imagination to try anything new that wasn’t his idea (me).
What he got was an insecure, conflict-avoidant neurotic narcissist carrying the tiresome baggage of fractured relationships with her children. What he got was a cold-hearted chameleon-like robot that could lie and deceive at the drop of a hat. What he got was but an extension of himself. Like I said, they mirror each other perfectly.
Yet another perfect description of my FW and Schmoopie. It boggles the mind.
Poor Schmoopie, she doesn’t quite have her FW yet. The FW and his attorney continued our hearing until next month. Looks like the last of this will happen next month and to make it lucky, it is on a Tuesday!!!! So what she thingks she is getting:
– Wealthy and generours man (he will have less and he will go cheap on her very quickly)
– A man who will spoil her (maybe if she considers catering to his moods spoiling)
-A faithful loving person (a FW with a hooker habit and a desire for younger and younger women (Schmoops is 32 years younger but will soon be too old))
-Attentive and kind (moody and sullen)
– A great extended family (a bunch of alcoholics and narcs)
-a Stepson (Son is no contact with his father and intends to keep it that way. He is eight years younger than Schmoops)
What I am getting by losing a cheater:
– a healthier mental outlook
– more contact with my loving family
– a son who will be home for holidays and leave when he can (he is in the Navy but only 6 hours away now)
-a comfortable home that actually is a home where I do not walk on eggshells
-improved physical health
-time to spend with authentic friends
-being able to do what I enjoy doing
-managing my own money
The list could go on. I wish Schmoopie luck. She has a prize sparkly, surly turd.
AP-now-wife must have thought she had nabbed a wealthy, respected, caring, generous doc who was quiet and sweet, but what she actually got is a man who is:
*moody AF (when I close my eyes, I see him stomping around with a sour look on his face)
*entitled (a cheater so…goes without saying)
*addicted to porn (and, if she finds out, blame her for “needing it”)
*addicted to wine (buys expensive wines, so it somehow seems less like alcoholism to him)
*addicted to fly fishing (and I mean addicted)
*shunned by his own kids (they’re NC)
*drives too fast (scary to be in the car with him)
*not so wealthy after all (thanks to my lawyer),
*angry, oh so angry, and sad, sad, sad
*selfish (see entitled)
*impulsive
*a gaslighter
*an expert manipulator and liar (no one does the silent treatment better)
*and a blamer (I know he must still blame me, but, hey, I’m NC ,so it’s probably more satisfying to blame the one he’s with. A bird in the hand and all that.)
If he treats her like me, she will begin to question herself, and her self-esteem will plummet. She’ll feel guilty for everything because he needs her to be the repository of all his shitty feelings. She will feel responsible for his moods. Her needs will become very small until she forgets them entirely.
She will stare at their matching, massive, upper-thigh fish tattoos, and wonder what the hell she was thinking. #karma
“She will feel responsible for his moods. Her needs will become very small until she forgets them entirely.”
Yes! Mine was (is) moody AF as well. I do NOT miss the eggshell walking and feeling responsible for his moods. Worrying about which version of him I would get when he walked through the door each day after work. Making myself and my needs small in order to maintain the fragile peace.
After 30+ years of that, I’m still working on figuring out what my needs actually are….
I forgot. My ex was also very good at the silent treatment. I’m sure he does the same to her now. 🤣
“She will stare at their matching, massive, upper-thigh fish tattoos, and wonder what the hell she was thinking. #karma”
I remember when you first posted that. I doubled up with laughter – ewww! 😂🐠😂
Oh, and forgot to mention that I bet she thought she had a wonderful father on her hands and NEVER expected that his own kids would want NO CONTACT with him post D-Day. Sure, he must blame me for this, but I would guess that, over time, when she see who he is, she’s probably come to realize that it’s not Spinach’s fault after all.
And she also probably didn’t expect his own side of the family to shun the two of them. (I was recently invited to his brother’s daughter’s wedding. He wasn’t.) #ouch
Many friends and colleagues shun him, too. I doubt she bargained for that.
He’s all hers now. #boobyprize
Im not sure if any of his OWs ever got enough if him to understand that his narrative of me being whatever version of bad he concocted was false. I hope that they think he was wonderful so that they can go the rest of their lives thinking that they lost their Great Love. (He died while we were wreckonciled).
I have even thought of possibly of telling them that he loved them and almost left for them so that they would pine and grieve forever, but I dont have any contact with the main two of them.
None of the AP’s would leave their wives for my XW. They could see that she wasn’t any better then what they had! 😂😂😂
The EX always presents himself as very religious. His father was a pastor and he grew up in church, etc etc. He can put on a great front and convince people that he loves to study theology, wants to be a church leader, etc. The truth… he only goes to church to pick up women and because it is a convenient place to get money from a charity fund when his gambling and womanizing puts him short of cash. In our whole marriage, I never saw him open a book at all—not even his Bible, much less theology or even fiction. When he wanted to leave me, he suggested that we divorce secretly but still attend church together so that no one would know. I guess if the pastor doesn’t know, neither does God. So the other woman thought she was gaining a great spiritual leader. She got a man who would turn up the TV loud so that he wouldn’t be bothered by the noise of me reading the Bible and saying prayers with the kids.
Jesus cheaters are the worst. Mine was too. On staff at our church, all the while picking up prostitutes off the street and frequenting massage parlors. He too thought we could both continue attending the same church. 🤦♀️
Thanks, Chump Lady for taking on the challenge!
And Wow. We really were all married to the same person… I realize my list could have been waaaay longer, as while I was reading these replies, I was saying, “Oh Yeah! X was that way, too!”
Feeling bonded to all the “midnight crawlers” out there. At the time it did not seem odd to be doing that. Now, I’m like:
I cant believe that was my life.
I can fully sum him up with all acronyms as an addendum, lol :
What she got: ED, COPD, ADHD, BPD, and CN (Covert Narc)
I think I am most pleased, (tho not proud, lol) about her discovering his ED…
I know she thought she was going to get a Wild Ride in that department…. Nope.
“… her discovering his ED…
I know she thought she was going to get a Wild Ride in that department…. Nope”
😂🤣😂
Rat faced whore sent me a vile letter complaining he couldn’t get it up, and this was my fault, because I “wouldn’t let him go” and he “felt so guilty”.
Heaven knows what he was telling her, because I’d never exchanged one word with him since I walked out of the flat and into my solicitor’s office. 🤣
I’m sure I’ll think of more, but she got a 2D printout of a nice, thoughtful, living person. From far away you can’t tell he has no depth. And the paper is bad. And the ink is smudged and bleeding all over.
At the very least, APs should have known that the cheater can’t be trusted. They watched the lies. They conspired in the abuse. None of that should come as a surprise. You can’t pair up with a bank robber and then wonder why you feel the need to hide your wallet.
If schmoopies end up having an oh-shit-what-the-hell-have-I-gotten-myself-into realization, then so be it. I have zero pity. Those two ending up together really is karma.
Spinach, I agree. I’ve sat around and tried really hard to put myself into the OW’s shoes. If I’d cheated with a guy who left his wife and kids, I simply wouldn’t trust him. I’d be wondering about his character all the time. Even if he had the good spin- he was unhappy, sexless, etc etc blah, I’d be thinking, why didn’t he just leave respectfully? But, I guess it’s because I have integrity and I’m self aware! The OW in my case (the last one he got caught with and he’s still with), is a meek, young, fragile thing with very little life experience. She reminded me of me when I was about 25- the same age I was when I married the FW. I think she might just not even understand the whole situation- she’s that naive. Oh well… she’ll find out one day and I’ll sit back and indulge in a bit of well earned schadenfraude 😉