3 Tips for Dealing with Betrayal Trauma Rage

bitter

A reader shares her strategies for dealing with betrayal trauma rage. How did you deal with anger when you discovered you’d been cheated on?

***

Dear Chump Lady,

When I was in the middle of severe trauma after D-Day, I was filled with so much rage I didn’t know what to do.

I am not someone who gets angry normally, so this was something very new to me. And the anger felt like toxic acid that was going to kill me if I kept stewing in it, ruminating about every horrible thing my husband did. Therapy, exercise, and a meditation app were life savers, but I had to come up with additional ways to cope. Here are some unconventional things that worked for me. When I was filled with intense anger, doing them calmed me down and made me feel a bit better.

I wrote down my thoughts and then burned them.

I would think of things that I was extremely mad about in that moment (i.e., How could he throw away 27 years of love and devotion? How could he spend thousands of dollars taking his girlfriend to a luxury spa while I’m watching every penny shopping at Walmart? How dare he blame me for his betrayal and say he lies to me because he doesn’t trust me! WTF?!!).

I would write each thought down on a small piece of paper, wad it up, and put it into a disposable tin foil baking pan. Then I would spend several minutes furiously writing and crumpling up the strips of paper until the pan had a decent amount in it. I then took the tin foil pan into a safe, windless part of the backyard and lit the papers on fire. As the papers burned, I did my best to imagine that I was purging those horrible feelings of anger out of my system. Somehow it gave me some comfort to see the tormenting thoughts turn into ash.

I kept an “anger magnet” in my pocket.

I found a small round pebble outside and washed it up. Then I would put it in my pocket any time I had to see my husband in person (after I filed for divorce and kicked him out). When I would feel like yelling at him and telling him what a scumbag he was, I would instead hold onto the pebble. I imagined that all of the rage surging through my body was exiting into the pebble as if it were a magnet for my anger. And I imagined that the pebble was neutralizing all of it. This was basically a mindfulness activity that helped keep my rage from spiraling into the extreme during those stressful early days.

I tuned in to live animal cams.

The San Diego Zoo website has a lot of great animal cams that are live streamed every day. I found that watching the cute polar bears, koalas, and baby elephants playing melted a bit of my anger away — I highly recommend them!

I realize that these are unusual coping mechanisms, but they were super helpful to me when I was going through the worst time of my life. They were tangible things I could do when I was desperate to get even a tiny amount of relief. I am now five years post D-Day and l thankfully haven’t needed to use these methods for years, but I wanted to share them in case any new chumps find them useful.

For the Friday Challenge, I hope other chumps will share creative strategies they used to deal with rage when they were going through the trauma.

Thank you for all that you do, Chump Lady!

BuildingANewLife

****

Dear BuildingANewLife,

Great challenge idea. How do chumps deal with betrayal trauma, the rage or intrusive thoughts and overwhelming emotions. Anger at being abused is perfectly normal. I worry about paralyzed chumps. The ones so numb and mindfucked, they can’t find their anger. They stay stuck. To me, anger is fuel to get you through the worst of it. To assert yourself and gather an army (legal, medical, psych).

But I get your point. A person can’t go through the day imagining their cheater’s head on a pike when there’s laundry to fold.

I love the creativity of your approaches, especially the diversions of animal cams. Or whatever brings you joy. Part of getting through the trauma is giving your brain some stimulus other than pain.

So, CN, what’s your advice on getting through the overwhelming anger stage?

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DUDDERSGETSCHUMPED
DUDDERSGETSCHUMPED
1 year ago

In a word… cats. My cats, pictures of cats, cat memes, other folks’ cats, happy stories about rescue cats.

And laughter and the ridiculousness of it all. And being mighty.

I’m not sure cats is that unusual a coping mechanism at all.

WalkawayWoman
WalkawayWoman
1 year ago

Yes to cats! The Lying Cheating Loser and I adopted a gray tabby together. We named him Gus. The LCL picked him out, but Gus quickly switched his allegiance to me. Maybe it was because the LCL would throw shoes at him when Gus disturbed our sleep wanting to go outside.
When I left the cheater, naturally Gus came with me. He didn’t leave my side for the first two weeks.
A couple of years later, I adopted a longhaired calico I named Scout. She adores Gus and tolerates me. Gus still adores me and tolerates Scout.
We’re a happy one-human, two-feline family.

Hurt1
Hurt1
1 year ago

Yes, cats! I have 3: Lucca, Maisie & Brioche. At the lowest point of my life I cried to my therapist that I have nothing to live for except my cats. Her reply, “well, then live for your cats.” Here I am going on 13 yrs after dday.
Do I still have anger after all these years – hell yes! But it is an anger that has mellowed to a lingering sadness for what I thought was a loving husband & financial security into retirement.

Duped for Years
Duped for Years
1 year ago
Reply to  Hurt1

For me, Hurt1, it’s the financial insecurity into retirement more than anything. I had banked on us having a comfortable retirement. Now he will, with his 32 year old wife, while I worry about taking care of myself in old age. It scares me every day. And he, I’m sure could care less.

Kathleen
Kathleen
1 year ago

Dudder yes! I have 2 cats inside and one I fixed, in a doghouse outside. They helped me smile when hugged and laugh when they did something funny. Unconditional love I get from them unfortunately not from my ex after 35 years married then abandoned. Very hard time 🥲

ChumpedToTheMax
ChumpedToTheMax
1 year ago

Anger is what got me to the lawyer. Anger is good and right when dealing with betrayal, but also at some point you need to control it and finally let go. I still get angry, even 10 years after DDay. I’m angry as I finish the document that gives half of my pension, ending at the date divorced of course, to a person who betrayed and abused me. So to deal with that anger, I remind myself it was the price I paid to rid myself of him and it was worth every penny for the peace and joy I have gained. Plus, I’ve been able to save and invest now that he’s not spending all the money on himself anymore. I should have all the money I’m losing in my pension and then some once the stock market goes back up.

Strugglingnomore
Strugglingnomore
1 year ago

I wrote down every insane, cruel, baffling, and/or self-centered thing he ever said or did. As I remembered things, I added to it. At first it was recent stuff. But over time I started to recall ancient history, and so began my journey to seeing him for who he really is.

Whenever I would feel despair or rage take over, I would break out The List, and those feelings would wash away, partly because I would recognize how pointless anger with a narcissist was (what did Carrie Fisher say? Resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die). But also, it would just crack me up. Some of it was so bonkers, I would laugh out loud at the absurdity that I had ever wanted such a shallow excuse for a man. It’s hard to stay angry when you’re laughing. Example, years earlier he made a spreadsheet of all the things he would do with my grandmother’s money after she passed. You would think it was his grandmother, that I would have no say in what I did with my own inheritance, and that he was in a hurry for her to pass away. I remember getting that far in my list and laughing right out loud. Then I didn’t need to read any further. Eventually, I got rid of my list. I didn’t need it anymore

This Shit is Not My Story
This Shit is Not My Story
1 year ago

Hi Strugglingnomore,
I love your post and did something very similar.
There were 8 weeks between when he told me he was leaving me (later I found out if was for the AP) and when we sold our home. I was mostly numb during those 8 weeks as my life blew apart. I started a list and called it “All the Things I Will Not Miss.” I keep the list on my phone and although I am 2 years out, I still find random things that come up that I have to add to the list. It is now titled “All the Things I Do Not Miss.”
Just recently I remembered how he took pleasure from causing me pain during intimacy and I believed this was normal. I added it to the list. Last week I added one about him clipping his toenails in bed.
I was surprised to read in your post that you could let go of the list. Maybe because I have toddlers and I still have to endure interacting with these trolls … Maybe it’s because I have not started dating … when did you know you were ready to toss the list?
Yesterday would have been our 7-year marriage anniversary and I hadn’t remembered it until someone asked me about it. I feel that shows so much growth that I hadn’t remembered. Maybe Tuesday is closer than I know.

ISawTheLight
ISawTheLight
1 year ago

This past spring I completely forgot about our anniversay until it had already passed. It would have been 13 years. That was a big sign to me that I was healed.

❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
1 year ago

I mean no criticism or disrespect here, Struggling…..

What Carrie F. said is a very old saying from the rooms of AA, to which she belonged. I don’t know that AA is where it originated, but it in the rooms of AA long before she came in.

In the case of this expression, it refers to repressing anger by drinking instead of expressing/processing anger in a healthy way. Certainly growing up in an alcoholic home means you will be given a MasterClass on denying and dismissing and repressing anger, in yourself and others, which really messes up a human.

(I would add my two cents here for chumps to be aware of their drinking. I’ve made it 37 years sober so far and by some miracle cheating did not take me out. It easily could have, and I know a lot people for whom this pain meant nosediving into addiction).

Hazelden, one of the oldest and most respected rehab facilities in the world, has a great selection of books on anger in their catalog, which anyone, in recovery or not, can benefit from. It’s a great resource for learning about healthy anger, an emotion that I got no education on in my super troubled violent alcoholic family of origin.

I do think HOW to express anger is incredibly important, info that far too many people don’t get growing up. I got into recovery and therapy at 22. I am now 59 and still have trouble being OK with feeling angry and expressing it in a healthy way. ☹️

❤️

(If any chump here is concerned about their drinking, drug use, or someone else’s, they can go through Tracy to contact me. I am in Al Anon and ACA too.).

❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
1 year ago

Why I jumped in here is also because alcohol, drugs, and cigarettes, though they work very well to stuff feelings, they are not the only things that work.

I was clean, sober, and nicotine free when I met Traitor Ex and am to this day.

BUT

Since the end of our relationship, I have seen how I used other things (eating, spending, picking at my skin) to tranquilize the anger, had I really allowed it to come up, would have helped me leave much earlier. All relationships have problems, and in our case we had therapist oversight our entire relationship. This was at my request because we both came from seriously troubled violent alcoholic families and I did not want to repeat. I mistook his therapy attendance for sincere willingness to learn. I believed his claims of sobriety and recovery. But my body was onto him long before my mind was. There were pieces that didn’t fit what I believed about him. I tranquilizer myself in other ways. That anger, those feelings were trying to clue me in! Raised in a family where feelings were not allowed, punished, denied, dismissed, mocked, invalidate, meant I was a sitting duck.

Anger is a signal, and being out of touch with it was like ignoring my hand on a hot stove.

😪

❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
1 year ago

As for me, as far as processing the rage and anger, I am doing something right because the thoughts that jumped into my mind, if acted on, would qualify me for prison.

I’ll share a few strategies that worked for me.

I voluntarily enrolled in the batterer’s intervention and prevention course at The Center For Domestic Peace, formerly Marin Abused Women’s Services. They created a batterer’s intervention program, ManKind, which I learned about back in the 80’s because of a violent boyfriend. Later they created the companion program for women, WomanKind. Yes, women can be violent too, and usually start out as victims. The class was every Tuesday night for 52 weeks. Mediation session were on Wednesdays. It was a great idea. My classmates were all court-mandated. I was the only person there voluntarily. We got interrupted by COVID. When classes resume in person I will be going back.

Therapy went up to three times a week, for a long time. I am back to once a week, and extremely grateful to have a great therapist and that I can afford it. There are great therapists who work on a sliding scale. FIND ONE.

Physical activity.

LOTS of talking with friends who have been there. Reach for the phone when you want to reach for a weapon or verbally attack.

Meetings. Any 12 step meeting I could get to. Zoom meetings play like a radio at my house slot. A blessing of the pandemic.

A foam bat and a pile of folded towels.

Writing with a big black crayon. Scribbling. Burning what I wrote in the fire pit.

LOTS of reading here. Reframing is miraculous.

VERY helpful to remember local Marc Klass, whose daughter Polly was abducted, sexually assaulted, murdered, and left by the side of the road. His dignified demeanor in court in the presence of Richard Allen Davis is an impressive reminder to keep my composure. Remembering people who have experienced worse rage and anger than I is very helpful to me.

Tools tools tools. Not to deny or dismiss or repress but to acknowledge and express, in a safe way that does not hurt me or others.
ESSENTIAL.

❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
1 year ago

In the five years I am sure I have worn the ears off of my therapist talking about this situation, the anger, etc. I know I have bored her dachshund as she goes to sleep while I am on the couch venting.

She has never once told me how to feel, to “move on” to “let go”, or anything else to indicate how I should feel or how long. I keep this in mind when I run into people who do…..

ISawTheLight
ISawTheLight
1 year ago

My therapist validated my anger and said I had a right to be. That really helped. I needed to feel and express all the anger I’d had to hold in while I was in the relationship because it wasn’t safe for me to express it then. It did dissipate on its own after I let myself experience it.

❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
1 year ago

This is what I am reading now…

How to Be Angry: Strategies to Help Kids Express Anger Constructively https://a.co/d/544T6FY

The re-parenting around anger continues (repair-enting) for me, because I don’t want to drink, use, eat, shop, pick my skin, etc. The misguided, damaging maladaptive repression strategies are endless….

One of my most important parenting achievements is that Little Hammer can be angry at me. It’s scary because of my childhood programming, but it was important for me not to handicap her emotionally. Good thing, because she is off the charts angry at her dad too.

Our children are angry and need tools as well…..

❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
1 year ago

When my brain needs a break, there is Netflix, etc. I could not read for a long time, which I understand as common in profound loss/trauma situations, so I could get some relief from myself by watching something.

I envy anyone who is able to retain their superpowers of reading. I just hit the five year mark and my ability to read returned at a frustrating pace.

My love of books was on his laundry list of grievances.

Jasmine
Jasmine
1 year ago

I didn’t know that …I was an avid reader …..I still can’t concentrate to read 10 years later.

20th Century Chump
20th Century Chump
1 year ago

Good lord, he objected to your READING??? Let me guess–because when you were reading, you weren’t paying attention to him?

Letitsnow
Letitsnow
1 year ago

My x said I read to much too.
UGH

MommaB
MommaB
1 year ago

I changed his name in my phone to Kid1 and Kid2 Dad…so that way when I was tempted to go a anger fueled rant that could be used against me later. I withheld and kept it about the kids.

I agree with you about the need for anger to be unstuck. When I needed the push to file for divorce. I got online and read about all the sex trafficking that was done at the rub and tug places he liked to frequent. It was a lot easier to press send on the divorce papers thinking about the women who came here for a better life and ended up playing with his little guy.

Battletempered Lionheart
Battletempered Lionheart
1 year ago
Reply to  MommaB

Finding the definition for “rub and tug” led me down quite the rabbit hole!

8YearsMeh
8YearsMeh
1 year ago

I wrote in a journal what I would have liked to say to him after each time I saw him (we share a son, so school events, etc.). I always was polite and cordial in person, but that journal was an entirely different story lol. I also found that a workout that involved kickboxing was amazingy therapeutic. I would envision him and his AP and that my punches and kicks were in their faces. Highly recommend it!

Tall One
Tall One
1 year ago

The anger became my rocket fuel, it propelled me out of the orbit I was in.
I just had to accept the anger.

I did wear a rubber band around my wrist and would snap it if my brain got too busy down the anger path, especially during any procedures or conversations. I rode my bike a LOT. I journaled, I went to therapy, I talked to my team.

Once I saw it, I realized that anger had been inside me for YEARS and I tried so hard to ignore it. But when D-day occurred, that same anger helped me move forward. Then you have to let the anger go, but thats another post.

Surviving Day to Day
Surviving Day to Day
1 year ago

Axe Throwing and kickboxing. I mentally pinned his photo on the axe target or the punching bag and went completely Towanda.
In addition to using the anger to fuel the throws/punches, my arms got quite toned.

MollyWobbles
MollyWobbles
1 year ago

I throw axes too! Weirdly, I don’t think about FW at all while I’m throwing. I just kind of zen out and enjoy it. I’ve also met some great people in Axe League. It’s been a blast!

Elkay
Elkay
1 year ago

Karaoke in my basement alone channelled the rage. Dance fitness classes made me sweat and smile (and sometimes cry right in the middle of class but I kept on dancing). A women’s therapy group showed me I could survive and thrive.

BeenThereandWasAChump
BeenThereandWasAChump
1 year ago
Reply to  Elkay

Yes! I have often cried during workouts. Not sure what that is all about but whether it is running, walking or even during lifting weights I have cried. I used to hold it in, but then I stopped holding it in and just let it come. It’s a release of sorts is all I can tell.

IamChump
IamChump
1 year ago

“It’s the paralyzed chumps I worry about. The ones so numb and mindfucked, they can’t find their anger. They stay stuck.” Thank you CL, I’ve internalized it all. I attempted suicide twice, ended up in the hospital for a few days. This site is the first place I’ve found that doesn’t place most of the blame on the chump, and instead brings understanding and compassion to the chump. I’ve even been reticent to post here. One comment was pounced on since I’m not at the same place as the successful chumps, at least not yet.

ChumpiestChumpinChumptown
ChumpiestChumpinChumptown
1 year ago
Reply to  IamChump

I don’t know where you are in your journey but I’ve corresponded with various people in similar situations, who are friends of mine in real life, and they have offered their support regardless of where I was in my journey. One, in particular, stood out as she suffered from various abuse not just betrayal. She said she’d understand if I stayed because she had and she’d understand if I left because she eventually did. So there may be a goal to aim for – respecting and caring for yourself – but there are different paths to get there. I too have suicidally depressed and it was directly related to the value others had subscribed to me and the internal messages I had been living by. I suspect there are many lurkers on here that aren’t on the other side of this journey yet. Hugs.

Chumpnomore6
Chumpnomore6
1 year ago
Reply to  IamChump

“One comment was pounced on since I’m not at the same place as the successful chumps, at least not yet.”

Oh hun, I’m sorry you felt pounced on. Everyone here tends to be at different stages in the whole shitty scenario, and what looks like ‘success’ is another stage. It takes a *long* time to process this shit, and it’s *ongoing*. I’m 5 years out, and still feel anger and sadness occasionally.

CL often says this is not the “Pain Olympics”, and it’s not the “Success Olympics” either, so don’t judge yourself by other chumps, who seem to be at a more ‘successful’ stage, just remember we’ve all been through it, and we truly understand and empathise with *every* stage. ((hugs))xx

MamaMeh
MamaMeh
1 year ago
Reply to  Chumpnomore6

And how wise CL is there. Pain is pain, grief is grief, suffering is suffering. Full stop, no competition.

CurlyChump
CurlyChump
1 year ago
Reply to  IamChump

I’m sorry you were pounced on IAm. There’s a commenter in particular here usually skip because I just don’t care for what she says / how she says it. Another one on here that tends to be long winded that I’m sometimes not in the mood for as it feels to me like the “Insert Name Here” show. But, while those comments might not help me on those days, they may help someone else, and it probably helps the commenter get it off their chest.

Take what helps you and leave behind what doesn’t. Works here, works for self-help books you may read, works in a fitness / hobby class.

❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
1 year ago
Reply to  IamChump

Dear IamChump,

I’ve been here about four years. I have been pounced on. I think I have pounced (you can’t edit here after posting yet, unfortunately). Tempest and Tracy have both reminded me that people here are pretty raw and sensitive. I know I am. For the most part, it’s respectful and civil here.

I take what I like and leave the rest as best I can. Just scroll past who and what doesn’t work for you.

And in case I was the pouncer, I am sorry! 😪

MamaMeh
MamaMeh
1 year ago

Yes. just lately I have regretted being off-topic, or provocative … Chump Nation is a bunch of humans, wounded humans actually, and year in year out, it astonishes me and heartens me the level of respectful, supportive and mature discussion. Not to mention, seriously, how many lives saved? And that’s not being melodramatic. I’m just waiting for a research project that employs this wealth of data gainfully. Velvet Hammer, think I’ve said before, I’ll be in your posse anytime.

skeeter
skeeter
1 year ago
Reply to  IamChump

I can relate as I’m also a person who internalizes and freezes and can’t express anger. It’s something I continue to work on. I had suicidal ideation many times. It took me longer to stop hitting the hopium pipe than everyone else – it seemed. I also didn’t always feel comfortable posting bc I was in and out of reconciliation, and this crowd tends towards 2x4s for people like us. You’re in good company. I pray you get where to you need to go to be happy again. There’s life after this trauma. It’s just down the road.

MamaMeh
MamaMeh
1 year ago
Reply to  skeeter

Hugs to you x

IamChump
IamChump
1 year ago
Reply to  skeeter

Thank you skeeter for your prayers, and for all the kind words from everyone. Being dismissed and gaslit makes all my interactions feel tenuous. I’m probably quite a bit more sensitive than I should be.

Ginger_Superpowers
Ginger_Superpowers
1 year ago
Reply to  IamChump

You are you. Meet your sensitivity where it is at. Create a healthy boundary for you and don’t make accommodations for others if they can’t see your kind soul. Tune out their advice. I watched a documentary with Oliver Sacks and he did a brain scan playing Bach and Beethoven (or it could have been Mozart). I forget which was which, but one of them was like fingernails on a chalkboard to him. Chump advice isn’t one size fits all and I tell myself everyone is well intentioned.

This shit is hard. Being gaslit, disrespected and invalidated for years takes its toll. Take time to heal.

Several times I grabbed my butcher knife and went down to the beach in our town and sat for hours, thinking I was going to swim away from shore and end it. I also got in my car and went 90MPH+ on the parkway wanting the pain to just stop. Crazy times. Dday April 2017 and divorce final May 2018, loosing both my parents along the way. I’m solidily on my way to meh. You will get there, one day at a time & one moment at a time.

Battletempered Lionheart
Battletempered Lionheart
1 year ago

“You are you. Meet your sensitivity where it is at”

Exactly. When people say you’re too sensitive or you’re overreacting, they actually mean “your feelings are inconvenient for me at this time”.

In other words, the problem lies not with my actions but your reaction to what I did.”

Complete bull.

walkbymyself
walkbymyself
1 year ago
Reply to  IamChump

I spent 18 months struggling to understand what was “real” and what had been “fake”. Hang in there, and give us a shout-out if you need us. I only began to heal when I physically moved out of the house, so that he couldn’t continue to control and manipulate me while I navigated the divorce. When my daughter was a baby, she had a tape of a song called “Bear Hunt”, and it kept coming back to me all these years later: “Can’t go over it, can’t go under it, can’t go around it, got to go through it.” I won’t say time and distance healed me — it took a lot more than that — but time and distance were both necessary so that the things that helped heal me could get a foothold.

Chumpasaurus45
Chumpasaurus45
1 year ago
Reply to  walkbymyself

One of my favorite books I read do my kids, Going on a Bear Hunt! I never thought of it then as a life analogy, but I sure see it now.
Willie Nelson’s song, ‘ Something you Get Through” is one of my very favorites of his pointed out to me by my BIL during my divorce.
I played it a million times. He sings of dealing with loss as “ it’s not something you get over, but it’s something you get through”. It’s a beautiful song.
I don’t think time heals all wounds, but we can get through it to a much healthier place for us. On the journey to get there every single day.

MamaMeh
MamaMeh
1 year ago
Reply to  walkbymyself

We’re going on a bear hunt – YES!!! A beloved children’s book in our home. Heaven knows if the author had symbolic intent but .. my mother has always had a saying, since I can remember, “there’s no way round but through it”. And se had a cot death.
That was my MO after my daughters death (one of her favourite books btw), my Dday, and the many many traumas besides.
My “healing” is that time doesn’t heal, time just allows the space to learn you can live with a wound, and you can keep growing, and you can be happy again.

Someone Online
Someone Online
1 year ago
Reply to  IamChump

I just want to give you some hope – it’s going to get so much better. Life without a FW is wonderful. It sucks to go through the process, but I love myself so much more on the other side. Please hang in there.

LeftToxicTown
LeftToxicTown
1 year ago
Reply to  IamChump

What you are going through sucks and it’s hard. Depending on how your relationship was, if you were completely blindsided, if he is a controlling Narcissist and is gaslighting you and manipulating you, I’m sure you probably still don’t understand what happened etc. I was like that. My brain couldn’t process what was going on. Nothing made sense. There were a couple of times, I pulled into my garage and thought about ended my life too. I’m a Taurus and way too stubborn to let him “win” like that. I told him about my suicidal thoughts and he swept it under the rug, like everything else. That’s when I started therapy. It took 3 more D-Days in a span of 6 months before the anger allowed me to see clear enough that his words meant nothing. That the feeling of being paranoid and constantly suspicious and checking find my iphone every second he wasn’t with me and feeling like I was a shell of a human being that I woke from my being stuck and said F-you. Get the F out. I want a divorce. You’ll get there. It’s a decision that no one else can make except you. Just know, YOU are important. YOU are loved. YOU are being abused. You can do this and honey, once you get through hell, life is your oyster. Cheers, hugs and happy Friday. LTT.

Wow
Wow
1 year ago
Reply to  IamChump

I, too, have had posters jump on my comments. One person here -who posts everyday- called another poster a “B” & I completely scroll by whenever I see that poster’s name. I guess she gets the freedom of speech get free card because she wasn’t banned (hopefully warned) for that. Anywho, ignore those comments, some people are at a different place (like you said) or intolerant of other’s opinions. Continue to share your opinion (in a supportive way) because we all receive messages differently & sometimes that one message is the one that clicks for someone & helps them enormously. I know because it happens here daily for me. That one poster says something that speaks to me. Also, anywho, Chump Lady I agree is awesome & extremely helpful in waking us all up to cheating & other bad behaviours is abusive in relationships (which have been normalized) & that’s really worth being here xx

Involuntary Georgian
Involuntary Georgian
1 year ago
Reply to  Wow

Compared to just about any place else on the internet, CN is amazingly kind, generous and supportive. Of course not everyone every time, but the vast majority of people here are great. I would say the most frequent comments – by far – are “yep, that happened to me too”, “yeah, that sucks” and “cut yourself some slack today and try again tomorrow”. Actually, the contrast with the kind of knuckle-dragging comments you encounter in most other places online is pretty amazing. I don’t know how CL keeps the trolls away, but kudos to her (and her elves, I assume)

Wow
Wow
1 year ago

I wish I had that beta-blocker (from your blog the other day)….but driving helped me enormously. I would drive to unknown places & explore. It was therapeutic, as well as, a metaphor for my new life.

Vixenière
Vixenière
1 year ago

Im still pretty fresh, but city builder games (I personally play Caesar 3 the most) have been a lifesaver lately. Can’t focus on the hurt when you need to fix your fictional city’s economy.

Foghorn
Foghorn
1 year ago
Reply to  Vixenière

Planet Zoo and Sims 4 saved many sleepless nights.

Gettingthereslowly
Gettingthereslowly
1 year ago
Reply to  Vixenière

I need to branch out to city-building; that sounds like fun. Online solitaire has been my go-to when I need to shift the energy. Honestly, 5 years out I’m pretty bored with solitaire (though it still works, and now my worries are about my kids, not ex-what’s-his-name so thanks for the suggestion!)

threetimesachump
threetimesachump
1 year ago

Chess.com! Free…play bots, do puzzles, take lessons, play games!

Chumpnomore6
Chumpnomore6
1 year ago

Words with Friends !

You have to watch out for some of the cheaters and assorted freaks who want to chat with you though.😆

Her Blondeness
Her Blondeness
1 year ago
Reply to  Chumpnomore6

I’m glad that Words with Friends works for you, Chumpnomore, but it is incredibly triggering for me because Cheater #2 used that for undercover communication with The Town Bicycle (his slut). I can’t even play Scrabble anymore because that was something we did together. It never ceases to amaze what they take from us.

Ginger_Superpowers
Ginger_Superpowers
1 year ago
Reply to  Her Blondeness

The Town Bicycle…….Outstanding name! I’d say more like a tricycle…..anyone can ride her, she’s so easy!

Chumpnomore6
Chumpnomore6
1 year ago
Reply to  Her Blondeness

Fucking *bastard*. I’m so sorry Blondeness. Yes, they take so much, and spoil so much. What scum they are.😡

Anna
Anna
1 year ago

1. I took a close-up photo of the side of our toilet and saved it as his contact photo in my phone. No one else knew what it was. It is still there. 2. My list of what he had done was crucial and I needed to review it when I would start to feel soft. Anger early is very important to fuel forward motion. 3. I reminded myself that these are ditch-dwelling – losers and for me to act on anger for them would bring me down to their level. Acting on anger would make me appear as a jilted equal with dirt-balls, and I was above that and had to remind myself of this often. He eventually broke up with the whore and married what appears to be a decent woman who is good to my son so I am able to soften up on the image since I don’t need the anger at this point.

CakeEater'sDaughter
CakeEater'sDaughter
1 year ago

“Part of getting through…trauma is giving your brain some stimulus other than pain.”

Thanks, needed this today.

FooledAgain
FooledAgain
1 year ago

During the first few months, I found I could really lose myself in a great book, and it was a great escape from the grief. He had always resented my reading, I think because I could be happy without being with a bunch of loud drunks, and he just could not understand that. It’s so easy to buy into their idea of what a good life is – constant stimulation, lots of people, booze and too much food – and accept that you are dull and no fun. But the truth is you have internal resources that they lack, and for which they desperately try to compensate.

ISawTheLIght
ISawTheLIght
1 year ago
Reply to  FooledAgain

Your comment rings so true. This was my experience with FW as well.

NotFromVenus
NotFromVenus
1 year ago
Reply to  FooledAgain

FooledAgain, I had the very same experience. As you said, he could not do without constant stimulation, lots of people, booze and too much food. They find it boring if you do not feel like drinking sometimes, do not want to go out every night, want to have a quiet evening. Sadly, at some point I thought I was boring for liking books…

Attie
Attie
1 year ago
Reply to  FooledAgain

I think we were married to twins!!!!

ChumpedForANewerModel
ChumpedForANewerModel
1 year ago

I have several that worked for me. One was playing some mind numbing computer/phone games. That just distracted me enough. Next, I made up songs about cheaters. I do have some classics like “Fuckwit Games”, “Cheaters Gotta Pay”, “Look at me, I am a Schmoopie”and others.
I was so angry at the start especially since I was the one who was blamed for his cheating by him and the RIC. Fortunately, I found Chump Lady and Chump Nation and got out of the RIC and filed. Finding this place really helped me so much. FW finally signed the agreement and started acting on what he is supposed to do. We will be final later this month on a Tuesday!!!!!
Since one of the greatest things he did for me was to upload his amateur porn with Schmoops to my son’s shared photo account (yep son is NC with FW after that) if he does anything to piss me off I remind FW of the videos. It is very effective. He says ” hey I will be a few days late with that check…….” instead of ranting, I just say “hey just love that video of you and Schmoops at the Lake…..” then “can I just give you cash????”. Probably not the best thing but FW should know enough not to leave a footprint (well porn video) on the internet/cloud/electronic device.

walkbymyself
walkbymyself
1 year ago

Mine sent his male fuckbuddy a video of his own sphincter.

Chumpnomore6
Chumpnomore6
1 year ago
Reply to  walkbymyself

Ewwww! That is just … ugh.

JML
JML
1 year ago
Reply to  walkbymyself

Probably just wanted to show his most valued “ass-et”

No way
No way
1 year ago

The FW formerly known as my partner and father to my kids (now neglected and abandoned) left downloaded porn videos and porn games on the family computer! I was livid!

Guest
Guest
1 year ago
Reply to  No way

Mine left a porn dvd in the player for my now partner to discover. I was mortified but affirmed. I also still have screen shots that I don’t hesitate to share with Switzerland friends who think this was mutual.

UXworld
UXworld
1 year ago

I recently performed at a storytelling event (theme was “Turn The Page”) in which I describe the coping mechanisms I depended on during the 10 months of forced cohabitation while the court was making its decision on who was going to be forced to leave the family home.

I gave the audience a primer on gray rock (for dealing with the source of the anger) then related how I created a Shutterfly book for M the Younger containing her many quotes, malapropisms and attempts to get me to laugh that had given me so much joy at being her father.

The last sentence I spoke was: “When life feeds you shit sandwiches and forces you into situations you don’t want and didn’t ask for, gray rock the toxicity, and (holding up the book) focus on the joy.”

No way
No way
1 year ago

I took up jive dance classes. Exercise, social, fun and you can’t be angry when spinning about to grest music!

All A Blur
All A Blur
1 year ago

It helped – well, “helped” – me that my FW was an eternal eruption of anger. She did all the things. The blame-shifting, the ridiculous false equivalents, and some really advanced gaslighting like, “yes, so I met him for a drink last night. But that doesn’t mean you aren’t paranoid.” I’d bought her BS for years. When I stopped because I knew what was really happening, she switched to a different way of being, became like another person, channeling pure rage quickly and easily.

My method for not getting angry in return was observation and humor – will she do the weird twitch? Will she say the thing about how she’d never let anyone into the end zone? Will she do the rapid blink? It became like a bingo card. I stopped listening to the content, and just watched her. It let me stay untriggered long enough to exit calmly.

Only ever when no one was home, I’d give myself a few minutes to yell, throw something, come up with the best string of curse words I could. The rage eventually spent itself in those moments. But it still shows up when she pulls new shenanigans with our offspring. I don’t know what to do with that long term version. Looking forward to hearing from others.

UXworld
UXworld
1 year ago
Reply to  All A Blur

“It became like a bingo card…” This is just outstanding. And your username is great too.

Tired Mama
Tired Mama
1 year ago

Running!

Squirrel
Squirrel
1 year ago
Reply to  Tired Mama

Out from the insanity after 7 years, just ran a full marathon. Running is excellent for us chumps.

SouthernChump
SouthernChump
1 year ago

Great Friday Challenge! I love the animal cams idea too. I did a lot of conventional and unconventional things bc sadly, my anger and rage wouldn’t dissipate. It escalated for 6 years due to still being stuck in a horrible custody battle and in toxic relationships. I even tried hypnosis and that didn’t work bc it was so deep seeded in my unconscious due to being desensitized to abuse from my narc father and step mother that it took a lot more unconventional digging on a solo trip to Sedona to do healing work to finally let it go. That trip changed my life and I call it my pivot point. Here are some of the conventional and unconventional things I did that “finally” changed my life:
1) took up running and eating right bc the huge amounts of cortisol and fight/flight hormones we’re doing a number on my body…doctors were afraid I would have a stroke with the levels I had… so I started being very careful to what I ate, drinking more water, and running (sometimes multiple times a day) to burn off anxiety.
2) had a “what I am grateful” list and recited them everyday on my way to work. I did this with my kids too and we would talk about all the things we were grateful for.
3) if something (or someone) hurt me or them we would also talk about “what hurt us today” so get our feelings on the table and have a safe space to emote. I kept this age appropriate. We still do this and my kids are now teenagers. They don’t understand how teens can’t talk to their parents about difficult things bc I’ve been so open with them and given them the safe space they needed to emote.
4) Journaled
5) kept a prayer stone and anytime I got upset would rub it and pray to keep me from exploding in rage
6) meditated and learned breathing techniques (such a life saver when your stuck and can’t immediately exercise)
7) I connected with nature. I did this by mediating and praying to Mother Earth. The neatest things would happen when I would do this as if God and Mother Earth were telling me I was doing it right….if it was too windy I would ask the wind to stop and it would but just a few feet in front of me it would still be blowing, wild/not tame animals would come up to me (birds, squirrels, rabbits, dogs, cats, horses,etc) sometimes just to be inquisitive other times to ask for help (wild squirrel begging for water, goose with a stick stuck in its wing, etc.). When I did this a lot of activity would happen with my exes that would be positive for me.
8) I took cleansing baths with lit candles while meditating
9) I wrote on pieces of paper of what I wanted in life and what I didn’t want and put it under my pillow
10) I found a therapist that connected the dots instead of letting me “self discover” because I just kept missing the mark and learned how to set boundaries confidently

***On the Life Changing Sedona Trip that Changed My Life and was the Starting Point for the Rest of My Life***
– we worked on a lot of unconventional trauma healing technics (only bc the conventional trauma healing technics had not worked and I was desperate to do anything).
1) we did exercises and stretches that opened up our nervous system and chakras then we focused on more deep breaths while closing our eyes (weird thing is the more oxygen you take in the more vivid visions can be) and through guided therapy they helped me unravel what was keeping me stuck in these toxic relationships and situations. I vividly saw myself at younger stages (hypnotist or therapists couldn’t even get me here even though several tried) and I gave her a hug, told her she is loved, and did a lot of inner child healing. We did this with other areas too like letting go of toxic people and healing my brokenness
2) we did magnetic therapy where they can detect major trauma and the age that it occurred (they were amazingly accurate) then used sound waves and other technics to help process and heal that trauma
3) we connected to Mother Nature as well God and the neatest encounters happened here. I could see the aura of the land (I have a pictures), I calmed the wind multiple times during my nature outings, and several animals visited me including a little wild bird kept sitting with me during a meditation session (like right next to me) and an owl swooped down and sat above us looking down and hooting as us during the middle of the day in the city while we were going through a session.

*NOTE: less than 24 hrs after I got home from that Sedona trip I got a call from my ex that smoochie had been beating him and I needed to take the kids. And, just like that my life became extremely easier. God told me on that trip He was changing it and this was the next chapter to the rest of of my life and He was right. My life is sooooo much better now.

NotAnymore
NotAnymore
1 year ago
Reply to  SouthernChump

Where did you go in Sedona? I’ve been trying to find a place to go when my divorce is finalized. I want to get weird with it. I’m not a religious person, but I feel like I need rituals to help define this transition in my life and set the tone for what is coming after.

SouthernChump
SouthernChump
1 year ago
Reply to  NotAnymore

It’s called Inner Journeys and the website is https://www.sedona-spiritualretreats.com/
They are a husband and wife team and can bring in different specialist to help you during your retreat depending on what you want to work on. Kurt Raczynski was the husband and I forgot the wife’s name. She does a lot of angelic work. While you are there, I highly recommend you truly open yourself up to accept what we don’t understand and allow yourself to be vulnerable to new technics to help you heal and grow. I promise you, if you have that mindset it will change your life forever!

Limbo Chumpian
Limbo Chumpian
1 year ago

In general I’m not much of an angry person, but I have lashed out at FW on a few occasions, mostly having to do with bringing the kids around AP really early on. What usually keeps me in check around him is the thought that it drives him up a wall to not get a reaction out of me. I just turn it into a game. He wants to piss me off and I won’t let him. Nana nana boo boo. I only cared what he was up to while we were married. No more.

Josh
Josh
1 year ago
Reply to  Limbo Chumpian

Yeah, that’s gotten me in some hot water. I’m getting better now and treat it as a game. On the positive side, I finally got her to admit she was a cheater, still didn’t take responsibility, but the words were said.

damnitfeelsbadtobeachumpster
damnitfeelsbadtobeachumpster
1 year ago

re: intrusive thoughts

i find the ruminating the worst part of grieving, the 3 a.m. swirl of thoughts and feelings. so i created a mantra that i repeat until the swirl slows and stops. this mantra is specific to my situation and slowly morphs over time, as i understand myself more. it’s a lot of work.

1. he’s an active alcoholic
2. he refuses to get help for alcoholism
3. he is not emotionally capable
4. he was raised in a dysfunctional, alcoholic home with parents who fought all the time, and had no boundaries
5. the result is that he avoids conflict and uncomfortable feelings
6. he is not interpersonally capable
7. i was primed for this relationship because i was raised by a narcissistic mom
7. this relationship is not sustainable, that it lasted as long as it did is kinda amazing
8. but, i deserve more and i will have more

by the time i get to the end of the mantra, i’m thinking of myself and what i deserve. that’s the biggest shift over the first year–shifting focus to your self.

yoga, walking, talking to my team and therapist help, as does burning items (assorted papers, photos, his travel journals that had nothing of substance written in them) in the firepit. i say “fuck that guy” or “FTG” A LOT–even wrote it on the underside of the dining room table i lost in the separation agreement. because, FTG.

No Way
No Way
1 year ago

I like the picture in my mind of him eating on top of you FTG scrawl 😆👍

Sadder but Wiser
Sadder but Wiser
1 year ago

I found that pulling weeds is a great way to vent my anger. I have a big garden and there are always weeds. Yanking them out of the ground was very satisfying when I was so very angry.

Quinn
Quinn
1 year ago

I never felt anger. If anything I felt sorry for my ex, trapped with dull me and our dull toddlers. He cheated on me so many times with so many different women that I became completely numb.

When he disappeared one day, I just went on with my life. It’s like he never existed. He hasn’t contacted me or our young kids for years.

I imagine him as the hero of the story, who finally got the courage to leave his boring conventional life for something new and exciting. The kids and I are the disposable secondary characters who serve as background, but who the reader has completely forgotten about by the end of chapter two.

I wish I felt anger. I wish I felt anything at all.

Piper
Piper
1 year ago
Reply to  Quinn

There are days raising children and going through the monotony of making breakfast, lunch, dinner, doing laundry and ensuring everyone has underwear that fits feels less than glamorous. But our roles in raising little humans is greater than any movie could be. Those minds shape the future. Could anything be more important? My ex abandoned our children, too. They know who to trust, they know who loves them, they know who they can count on. Being this source of stability for them as they discover who they are is a role not for the weak; the weak run away. It is for the strong and amazing- like you.

❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
1 year ago
Reply to  Quinn

Quinn, he is a loser of the lowest order. YOU are the heroine. Please find a great therapist to help you realize it. Sending hugs….

❤️

KathleenK
KathleenK
1 year ago
Reply to  Quinn

Quinn, please make sure you are telling yourself the truth. The thoughts you have create the feelings you have. (Yes, thoughts create feelings.) When you tell yourself that he is the hero of the story….wow, I have no words. He is a lying cheating coward with no integrity, no strength of character; most assuredly not a hero.
And dull you and your dull toddlers? That’s all of us at home with toddlers – it’s repetitive, loving, caretaking and not all that exciting. Please please be careful of telling yourself things that aren’t true. A good therapist can help you reframe your story into something more true and something that will not depress you. ((((Hugs))))

This Shit is Not My Story
This Shit is Not My Story
1 year ago
Reply to  Quinn

Reading this I feel so sad. I definitely hear that you are numb and that is not necessarily a bad place to be. From here you can decide what you want for you and your kiddos.
I have been trying to focus on shaping the smaller details and that helps. I love the idea that I am authoring my life moment by moment so that each mindful moment is delicious. Last night my boys (toddlers) and I washed the dishes together and it was a soapy mess, but I loved it.

FooledAgain
FooledAgain
1 year ago

Your day-to-day life defines most of who you really are. If you can’t enjoy the little things, you can’t enjoy life. And I think that is what is wrong with most FWs, certainly mine. They can’t enjoy ordinary life, so they reach for nonstop “excitement” in the form of side pieces, booze, whatever, and it inevitably fails them.

Chumpolicious
Chumpolicious
1 year ago
Reply to  Quinn

Quinn. I agree with everyone here that you are the heroine of your own story. You are stepping up and raising the kids. You are important. You matter. Being a wife is just one hat you wore. And not that important in the scheme of things. I wish you well.

Apidae
Apidae
1 year ago
Reply to  Quinn

Don’t you dare relegate your children to being “disposable secondary characters” in someone else’s life.

Get therapy, do whatever it takes to pull yourself past this numbness you’ve wrapped yourself in. Your little ones are helpless and dependent on you right now.

FooledAgain
FooledAgain
1 year ago
Reply to  Quinn

Quinn, that guy is not a hero. He is someone who is incapable of real feelings. People like that need constant external stimulation – whether it’s new women and new “friends,” new toys, substance abuse – to feel anything. And all those things have a shelf life. He doesn’t have an exciting new life – just an onslaught of new sensations to try to feel alive. Please talk to a therapist. This loser shouldn’t be allowed to steal your joy.

UpAndOut
UpAndOut
1 year ago
Reply to  Quinn

Quinn, I am angry at your ex for you.

I also understand feeling nothing because I felt dead for so long. I needed to shore up the part of me that demands justice.
I had to have some one else acknowledge that what my XH did, and continued to do, was far out of the range of normal, and was destructive to me and the kids. That person was not a counselor.

Quinn, your ex abandoned you & the kids. He is not a hero. He is someone who broke a promise. He shirked his responsibility. He weaseled out instead of manning up.
Is he really an ex, as in you are divorced? Is he paying child support & spousal support? If not, I am angry for you. What do you tell the kids when they ask where he is? I am angry for you – no kid should have to ask where their dad is.
First get that anger going, then you’ll have to “metabolize” it.

Then, I hope you can come to realize that it’s good the rotten asshole is out of your life.

Chumpnomore6
Chumpnomore6
1 year ago
Reply to  Quinn

“I imagine him as the hero of the story, who finally got the courage to leave his boring conventional life for something new and exciting. The kids and I are the disposable secondary characters who serve as background, but who the reader has completely forgotten about by the end of chapter two.”

Quinn, he’s not the hero, *you* are. You’re building a life for your children and yourself, after being brutally discarded by a shallow piece of shit. You are *mighty*. Hugs xx

Heidi
Heidi
1 year ago
Reply to  Quinn

You matter! You are the hero of this story. He was just a side character who was passing through.

BattleDancingUnicorn
BattleDancingUnicorn
1 year ago

How did I deal with my anger? I accepted it as my inner self’s way of protecting me, like, “Are you really going to put up with this nonsense?” and put the anger energy into crushing him in the academic arena. (Still waiting on word that he’s failed out. Any day now, I expect…)

Her Blondeness
Her Blondeness
1 year ago

Please, BattleDancingUnicorn, update us when he does. I sooooo love a happy ending.

chumped48
chumped48
1 year ago

SAME battledancingunicorn!! FW used to lord his masters over me so I applied to graduate school 4 weeks after Dday (finishing that degree in 8 weeks). Now I’m pursuing a second bachelor’s in a completely different subject and one day I hope to out-earn him. That’s not my prime motivator (keeping my kids’ house is and learning ALL THE THINGS is) but putting FW in his place will be a happy accident. Also hoping your FW fails!!

Curlychump
Curlychump
1 year ago

Boxing / kickboxing classes. The kind where a trainer puts on mitts and has you hit them. Soooo cathartic.

I struggled with ruminating while driving, and music would just get me so, so emotional & stuck. I started listening to audiobooks! Lots of free ones through the local library via Libby or Hoopla apps.

Motherchumper99
Motherchumper99
1 year ago

It’s really a blur, but I recall channeling the misery into a lot of exercise. My predominant emotion was fear. I belonged to the YMCA and did every class I could— HIIT, boot camp, kick boxing, step, strength…. I joined a mountaineers club and started serious day hikes, I bought a stand up paddleboard, I ran a race. I also was so scared of being impoverished (I was homeless and pregnant as a teen and lived for years not knowing how I would even feed myself after my dad died suddenly when I was 15 and my sociopath alcoholic mom kicked me out at 16) so scarcity mentality was terrorizing me when Dday hit and XH threatened to leave and take everything we’d built over 26 years together. So I took your advice and got busy building a life. In the middle of my divorce from hell while working full time and raising 3 kids solo I studied for the California bar and passed! 48% pass rate that year nonetheless. 1 month after the divorce was finalized I got a new job as a partner in my new field working remote in CA. In the ensuing years I’ve tripled my income and met my financial needs, helped my kids with college and down payments on starter homes. Finally, I watched a lot of Marvelous Mrs. Meitzel episodes and Call the Midwife. Those were soothing.

I know it was unlikely to be long-lasting, but I dated a bit and flirted a bit with friends from the gym and hiking club and started seeing one man exclusively. We’ve been together 7 years and engaged for 2 years. The care, kindness, socialization, and yes… the intimacy, helped me heal from the discard. As a 50 year old mother of 4– brutally devalued and discarded by the man I thought was my lifelong best friend and beloved— left for a girl almost the same age as my eldest daughter…. The knowledge that there are lovely, decent potential intimate partners was a balm.

Chumpolicious
Chumpolicious
1 year ago

Caveat. I have never done anything violent to anyone in my life. Yes I TPed an ex boyfriends house in HS. My mother had some sort of PD. Very difficult person. Did not have a good relationship with her growing up. So as a teen/ young adult I would imagine stomping on her head and having it explode like a pumpkin. It brought me relief and made me feel calm and zen. I tried that scenario on FW, with no satisfaction. So I visualize different things happening to him. Such as he gets into a car accident, he gets a foot cramp while swimming and drowns, he chokes on a hotdog. It lowers my heart rate and makes me feel calm and relaxed. Not sure why. Maybe thats the same feeling someone gets cutting themselves.

UpAndOut
UpAndOut
1 year ago

Yelling the worst words I could to describe him, at the top of my voice, alone in my car.
Singing along to song lyrics that were meaningful, at the top of my voice, alone in my car.

ISawTheLight
ISawTheLight
1 year ago
Reply to  UpAndOut

Yes, absolutely. I did this all the time on my commute to and from work. I especially liked loud, angry songs, like Papa Roach’s “Burn”.

SerenityNow
SerenityNow
1 year ago

I wrote down every shitty thing he did or said in journals. On pads of paper. Any time I had them and then burned them. Some of the things that I wrote I wrote again and again and again until I started to trust that he sucked. I like the idea of pulling weeds. I also find that therapeutic. I’m still finding journals with crap written in them from 2007 which well predates my 2019 DDay. I will burn those too.

My therapist also suggested being my own best friend and take that invisible best friend with me wherever I go. If I have a question about something I ask my best friend. If something doesn’t seem to be right I ask my best friend.

Walking with a friend also helped. Cleaning and purging junk helped.

Jo
Jo
1 year ago

This may sound strange but I was so shocked and scared and angry to learn I’d been living with a man for 30 years that led a double life – I was truly more scared than angry but thank goodness I had my fluffy dogs and I would spend hours at night looking on-line at paintings – of all the great masters – like walking through a museum – it held my attention when sleep was impossible and if I did fall asleep the nightmares about his whores were terrible. Scrolling through 1000’s of pieces of art – I could disappear and learned a lot too. “Living well is the best revenge” I kept trying to focus on not letting his freaky antics destroy me but it almost did.

ChumpOnIt
ChumpOnIt
1 year ago

Boxing, started running again. Highly recommend physical activity to channel the anger and stress. If you are acting it out, it dissipates. As much as I’d rather punch his face directly, this was more legal. It also was beneficial for my health. Once you’ve expended that energy and are too tired, you will feel yourself settling back into an even-keeled state. Anger/stress sitting around is no good and can lead to deep sadness and other self-harming behavior.

Piper
Piper
1 year ago
Reply to  ChumpOnIt

Yes! I poured myself into my chosen workout, I even own the place I started in now, I became that passionate about it. I lost 30+ pounds and am in the best shape of my life. Best of all I did it for me, not to be pretty for someone else.

Attie
Attie
1 year ago

I had to focus so hard to get past the anger and get what I wanted after FW left! I HATED the guy for my lost youth, the beatings, the way he spent us into one hole after another, despite us having damn good incomes. I also resented the fact that he got to retire at 50 (disability – bipolar) and all his debts were paid off by the insurance, whereas I now had to take out a $350,000 mortgage to buy the AH out of the house at the age of 53! Yeah, I was angry as hell! So I kinda made a game out of aiming to get my mortgage paid off as soon as possible – that’s what had me plugging the leaky holes where money used to dribble through every month. Hell I knocked €1,000/month off my bills as soon as he moved out and threw everything at paying the mortgage off. Oh I still travelled with my solos groups but I was so disciplined about packing a lunch, not wasting money etc. that I paid off my 17 year mortgage in just 7 years! All the while I was posting pictures on FB of me hiking in the mountains round here (he misses France) and on my solos trips. I did it on purpose (which probably makes me shallow but whatevs) to show him what he had thrown away and what he would never have himself because he had no self-restraint or discipline and just threw money away! So yeah, living my best disciplined life with an end goal allowed me to retire early – that’s how I channelled my anger. It took time, but then I’m a tortoise not a hare!

Chumpy McChumpface
Chumpy McChumpface
1 year ago

I went to the thrift shop in town and bought about $10 worth of colorful, 25 cent ceramic mugs. Then with a friend, threw them against my garage wall screaming things I hate about him. Then I collected the pieces and on my first wedding anniversary post-separation I made a mosaic from the shards. It hangs in my kitchen as a reminder of hope, that broken things can be reimagined into something beautiful.

tallgrass
tallgrass
1 year ago

My counselor suggested this to me many times. I didn’t have the umph to even go find things to throw. But, it might really be a good idea for me now. Thanks for the reminder.

OutButNotDown
OutButNotDown
1 year ago

What a great idea!

OutButNotDown
OutButNotDown
1 year ago

What a great idea!

Skunkcabbage
Skunkcabbage
1 year ago

My futon couch absorbed a lot of my anger (and tears). Rage screaming into the pillows. Punching and kicking. I also wrote in a notebook and then burned the whole thing in the wood stove. I sometimes wish I had kept the notebook to look back and see just how crazy he made me, but it was toxic poison and needed to be purged.

Sirchumpalot
Sirchumpalot
1 year ago

Kept busy spiritually, volunteering at my church and prayed for hours. Left things in God’s hands. Volunteered at NPE, infidelity, and “chump” support groups. Was interviewed by the BBC, Good Morning America, and The Atlantic magazine. Traveled, hiked and hung out with friends. Focused on my kids. Therapy and sympathetic friends helped me out a lot.

Chumpnomore6
Chumpnomore6
1 year ago

Alternating between sobbing on the floor, and screaming expletives in the woods:

Walking into my solicitor’s office and starting divorce proceedings 2 days after D-day.

Throwing the photos of fuckwit and me at the wall, then stomping on them before ripping and binning.

Throwing anything he ever gave me into the bin(unless it was worth selling).

Selling all the jewellery he gave me and adding the proceeds to my divorce fund.

Starting a meet up divorce group.

Blocking him and his flying monkeys everywhere.

Going on the Israel holiday he bought me anyway, and totally ignoring all his texts reminding me about my passport etc.

Calling the police about his continual texts, phonecalls, and coming over uninvited, which resulted in him being visited and sent a warning letter.

Most of what others have said as well, journalling etc.

And last, but not least, reading LACGAL over and over, and finding chumplady, and wonderful, wonderful CN!💝💖💕

New York nutbag
New York nutbag
1 year ago

He’d call her on a drive up.pay phone…I found out by calling scratched down numbers on random pieces of paper, he was a cop so.it made sense. So I located every dive up pay phone and wrote in permanent marker”BACK THE FUCK OFF JIM” and signed my name to the message. Not really effective but very satisfying

justme
justme
1 year ago

I wish I had used my initial rage to kick his ass to the curb. Two years of trickle truth and constant attempts at rugsweeping, left me numb and disconnected. Even now , I wish I felt anger. All I seem to be able to muster is an overwhelming sense of grief and loneliness. Even four months after kicking him out, I find myself actively telling myself to not go near the hopium. Depression is becoming my default. For all the newbies, please , PLEASE! use your anger to get out. It is what got me out the first time my picker was shown to be broken. Second time is so much harder. Thanks CL. You and this blog are helping. Here’s to “Trusting that they suck”.

Just a Chump
Just a Chump
1 year ago

I went on antidepressants and propranolol for awhile. They helped my mental health immensely. There were some side effects so I’m off them now but I wished I took care of my mental health from the beginning.

susie lee
susie lee
1 year ago
Reply to  Just a Chump

I went on Prosac for about 9 months. It helped me a lot. I had to work and I couldn’t think or sleep.

Honestly to me it was a part of taking care of my mental health. All I had to depend on was my job. Luckily it was fairly secure, though minimum wage. But, if I didn’t perform well; promotions which I needed would be a long time in coming. It was issuing checks to military and doing monthly financial report to the feds. And numbers are not my strong suit. Luckily, before long I got out of that and got into inventory, which was still numbers but not the same stress.

I was fortunate that I suffered no side effects using it or coming off of it. But, I kind of knew when it was time to stop; and by then I wasn’t quite as raw.

I think as chumps we just have to do whatever we can. Most of us don’t get a lot of down time to figure it out.

Especially those with children. I can’t even imagine how stressful that would have been. Mine was fully emancipator at the time of discard.

OutButNotDown
OutButNotDown
1 year ago

My strategies for managing the anger have been in two parts:

1) Active channeling of the rage

-Listening to my favorite head-banging metal band of my youth over and over again, and repeatedly playing music from the likes of Carrie Underwood, Billie Eilish, and the Chicks – who sing quite a bit about cheaters and abusers. Music is powerful and cathartic.
-Water aerobics in a pool – “punching the water”, imagining my abuser and the OW.

2) Calming down

-White lights on the balcony in my new apartment and burning candles every night
-Caring for plants for the first time ever
-Deep breathing techniques

It’s all helped a lot! Big hugs who are new to the nightmares/sleeplessness and shock and rage. You’ll get through it.

Thrive
Thrive
1 year ago

White rage-never been so angry as long as I can remember. Over time my CoPing with anger has changed. One helpful activity was taking a bay to a big punching bag and a tennis racket to the bed. Being physical was helpful. At the beach house where the affair happened, I went to get My stuff and threw all the deck furniture off it and dumped all his booze down the drain and dumped his viagra in the toilet and left the empty bottles sitting on the counter. Was that childish-well yes it was but oh so therapeutic. It’s been 5 yrs and I still get angry on occasion. Now I hit golf balls and see his face on them. And I do nice things for myself-main-pedis, new clothes, hikes but most importantly talks with my friends! Peace and love! Turn your anger outwards to a safe activity. You can’t let one prick ruin your life. He or she is not worth it! Hugs!

Chumpnomore6
Chumpnomore6
1 year ago
Reply to  Thrive

“It’s been 5 yrs and I still get angry on occasion”

I’m so glad you said that, Thrive, I thought I was the only one !

It’s been 5 years for me, too. 5 years since D-day, and 3 years since the Decree Absolute. I’m not consumed with rage anymore, but as you say, it still hits on occasion, sadness too.

Cheating is such a visceral horror, the knowledge that the one person you loved and trusted was prepared to lie and deceive you, gas light you, steal from you, and the humiliation of being taken for a mug, just turns ones whole world upside down.

Thrive
Thrive
1 year ago
Reply to  Chumpnomore6

I look forward to the day he doesn’t show up in my thoughts but honestly can’t really believe that will happen. It is so traumatic. Hugs to you! May you find peace and joy!!

Chumpnomore6
Chumpnomore6
1 year ago
Reply to  Thrive

And to you!💖

Freedomfinally22!
Freedomfinally22!
1 year ago

I have a refrigerator that is stainless steel. My grandbaby uses it as his white board with dry erase markers…. I thought well I can do that too… Somedays I have reaffirmation quotes and other days its anger like… FU Scott and the WHore you road in on… I hope you both rot in hell…etc… my daughter came over one day and saw one of my rants ( I leave them up until I don’t feel that way then I erase and write something else..) she was actually ok with it. She said well its better than calling him up and giving him the fuel… YEP exactly.

Ain't It a Shame
Ain't It a Shame
1 year ago

Decluttered my house and repainted it from top to bottom, exercised and read a ton of books. Worked on other projects that I’d been procrastinating about. Planned a vacation with my sibling and a friend. Understood that my anger was a wake up call from my self esteem that I shouldn’t put up with this abuse any longer.

A counseling group really assisted me with dealing with the anger and grief over losing my loved ones in healthier ways (my good friend and my beloved pet both passed away within three months of the drama being exposed) and to see fuckwit and his schmoops for the dysfunctional losers that they are.

Hardworking Chump
Hardworking Chump
1 year ago

First, here’s what did not help:
1. Long walks in nature. As much as I normally find solace in the woods, long walks alone only served to give my brain plenty of space to ruminate and replay the awful things exfw said, the things I wish I had said back to him, the past 2 decades of lies and so on.
2. Texting exfw angry messages. It was very hard to stop myself doing this but much more satisfying and effective to give him nothing. Any time I started texting I couldn’t stop and would spend a few hours ranting angry message after message. (Actually finding CL and reading the book 3x was what finally cured me of this particular behavior and marked the end of my days of angry text messages – so this belongs on the list below)
What did help:
1. As others have suggested, strenuous physical activity. I’m personally not big on running but I started swimming laps again and there is something about the water that makes one feel incredible post-swim. Buoyant, powerful and like all the stupid crap doesn’t matter.
2. I took up a new sport that a friend of mine was involved in – rowing – never occurred to me before to row but it was perfect. Having to focus and pay attention to all the technical things (arms, legs, timing, coordination, commands) is wonderfully distracting from all the intrusive thoughts. And rowing is a social sport so a new community of people who are not at all associated with ex or anyone who knows him.
3. As others have suggested – laughing about it. Realizing how astonishingly, ridiculously pathetic he is. I received a particularly dumb email from him and rather than respond I channeled the UBT to create my own translation. I read the translation to a few girlfriends over drinks and they crowed with laughter.
4. From above – reading CL’s book 3x and visiting this site to find comfort in the stories of others and the similarities of so many of our stories

Hardworking Chump
Hardworking Chump
1 year ago

I keep coming back to this post and all of the comments as this one really resonated with me.

And I wrote my original comment above on a pretty good day while this week was not as good (had an in-person work meeting with ex where he showed up in a new motorcycle. I don’t know why this makes me SO angry – who cares if the Slimeball bought himself a motorcycle? I think it has to with the fact that the Worm seems so pleased with himself which is also how he seemed when he was cheating and lying to me in the year before I found out about OW. And during that time he kept accusing me of hating all the things he thought were cool and fun – motorcycles, hanging out with his music buddies etc – which was totally baffling and untrue as I used to play music with him in many of his various “bands” before the discard.)

All of this to say that I have a few additional and more quick-acting anger-dissolving strategies to add to the ones above:

1. Singing. I’ll put on some early country/ Appalachian tunes and belt out the lyrics along with them. Lots of lying, cheating, stealing in those tunes and there’s something about the physical act of singing that has an immediate effect.
2. Indulging myself in re-reading some of my favorite young-adult fiction from my childhood. In particular Joan Aiken’s “Wolves Chronicles” – which are probably not too well known in the US. They are full of good vs evil characters with satisfying plot turns. While I’ve read all of them multiple times I can still get lost in the narratives and it is a fairly immediate respite from the anger and intrusive thoughts.

Pink_Nora_Rose
Pink_Nora_Rose
1 year ago

I signed up for boxing lessons about 10 days after FW discarded me. I NEEDED to hit something.

tallgrass
tallgrass
1 year ago

I didn’t find my anger for a while……maybe 6 or 8 months after D-Day. One thing that worked for me was to go to my bed and just scream like a two year old for as long as it took before I collapsed into tears and usually fell asleep. The only way anyone would have known about this is sometimes someone would comment on my voice the next day. I would scream so hard for so long that I was tearing up my throat and it would take a couple of days to clear up.

I have one (now 10 year old) granddaughter who expressed anger this way as a young child. She would be tripping along in life as a happy little girl until something would set off her anger. And there was nothing to do but let her go thru the entire anger cycle. Hopefully we were not away from home in a crowd…..but regardless, this was what would happen. No shortcuts. She felt it fully until it was finished.

I decided to just try and follow her example and it was freeing. It was an important time for me to get through and lasted several months.

Only my big outdoor dog knew. I’m sure he was quite puzzled but I’m happy he keeps my secrets.

OHFFS
OHFFS
1 year ago

Humor is how I cope. I’d rather be laughing than raging, so when I feel the anger welling up, I think about the things FW has done and said that were so stupid I had to laugh, even while in the depths of despair.
My daughter and I have made fun of FW a lot. It helps her to cope as well.

weedfree
weedfree
1 year ago
Reply to  OHFFS

OHFFS I think I’ve mentioned before, knowing now that my ex is a covert narc, I wished I’d laid the boot in more. The stupid things he did over the years, I thought he realised they were stupid!
I dont know if you recall an earlier thread i said my rings were removed from house around D Day ~ lo and behold I go away for a few days and the rings have been returned to the exact same place. What a mystery ~ I must have lost my mind 🤔Nothing like a bit of break and enter coupled with a bad attempt at gaslighting to pass the time.

eirene
eirene
1 year ago

I spent over 20 years in a furious, screaming, throwing-things rage, after it became obvious that he was a lying, cheating scoundrel dating from even before our wedding. However, I had also suffered a vertebral artery dissection (stroke) ten months after we were married, so that (plus a three-month old infant) kept me tied to him financially. And there was also my inability to walk without constantly falling, my 50% visual field loss, and my memory impairment that continues to this day.

I probably would have remained stuck forever, mostly because I didn’t think we could actually afford to divorce even though I was adding to the household income with my measly minimum-wage job. Those six daily hours of entry-level office employment took me 18 hours to recover from, especially since I was also running the household single-handedly. I was an angry, depressed mess, trying to make a happy home for our daughter.

The dam broke and all my anger was finally released on the day that our 20yo daughter and I found incontrovertible evidence of his cheating. I cried for two years (not kidding–sobbed in stores, wept at work, blubbered at my doctor’s office) as I released all my pent up fury. Eventually I got it all out of my system, and my life became once again my own, with no lying, cheating anchor to cart around. Literally the best thing ever to happen to me.

weedfree
weedfree
1 year ago
Reply to  eirene

Well done Eirene!

dmartinigirl
dmartinigirl
1 year ago

CB had a collection of beer glasses and steins that he couldn’t bother to pack when he left. On particularly angry days, I would smash one of those in a a storage tote I called the “smash bin”.

I also took up Krav Maga for a bit.

But mostly it was the daily routine of walking the dogs, yoga, meditation and journaling that got me through it.

NotTodayFuckwit
NotTodayFuckwit
1 year ago

I am 3 years out from the final of 4 D-days…mostly at meh. But one of the things I did – at the behest of my trauma therapist – was to join a local choir. It was something that I used to love doing, before I became “too busy” for it (so I thought – actually, I was just spending all of my free time trying to fix an unfixable marriage). I was super skeptical that it would help that much, but it turns out I was SO wrong. I get so much joy from it, even though when I auditioned, I was convinced that I wasn’t able to feel joy any longer. Who knew that singing was the answer? (My trauma therapist, apparently.) I had been convinced that I wasn’t good at making friends (another gift from FW) – but I proved that wrong as well, I have several new friends in the choir and they are wonderful. And it’s something that makes me feel like ME again, which I hadn’t felt in YEARS. So, I say: Do the thing that you thought you didn’t have time for while you were trying to manage a FW! It’s WAY less exhausting.

Another thing that really helped – though not at first, maybe more like 1-1.5 years in when I was a little better at managing triggers – was meditation. Specifically, “witnessing” meditation where you practice acknowledging your thoughts and feelings without judging them. A good example is to allow a thought or feeling to come into your head, say hi to it, then tie it to a pretty balloon and watch it fly away. This never would have helped me in the beginning, as the thoughts and feelings were too overwhelming – but later on, it really helped me realize that I am not my thoughts. This may be a little too “woo woo” for some, and I was also skeptical before I tried it, but it really worked for me. I continue to meditate on an almost daily basis.