Stupid Things Cheaters Say After D-Day?
After discovery of an affair on D-Day, cheaters say some stupid things. You probably won’t find accountability in there, more likely blameshifting and gaslighting.
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Dear Chump Lady,
My ex-husband said some of the most absurd things after I caught him cheating.
And also after I filed for divorce. You know, things that make you say, WTF?! My therapist said it was all a “mind f*ck”– just another way to keep me off-balance and confused.
It certainly worked because, in the beginning, I tried and tried to understand what he meant. It felt like my brain was going to short circuit as it worked overtime trying to make sense of things that made no sense. I now know that it’s because none of what he said was rooted in reality. Just more BS to pile on to the already giant Gaslighting Mountain.
For background, my ex-husband is a successful leader with a narcissist’s overabundance of confidence. For 27 years, I was a devoted and loving wife appliance who made my needs infinitesimal. He was always an upbeat person, probably because he got his way in pretty much all things. We rarely fought, and I thought we were a great team, so I was completely blindsided by his betrayal.
In retrospect, I see how unequal our relationship was. I was pretty much a doormat that he ignored and he was the superstar who ran the show. Once I found out about my ex-husband’s secret double life, I wised up and filed for divorce. That is when he opened the floodgates and really let the BS flow, providing me with many WTF moments.
What stupid things did my cheater say?
“I think the divorce will be the best thing to happen to our marriage. The way to save our marriage is to break it up so that we can start it over again.”
WTF?
“I didn’t tell you about it because I couldn’t trust you.”
(He kept his affair hidden from me because I was untrustworthy? WTF?!)
“I do believe there was abuse in our relationship….but you’re not ready to have that conversation.”
(I had told him his cheating and lying was emotional abuse, so he responded by implying that I had abused him! I think my brain exploded when he said that. The biggest WTF?!! of all time.)
“It’s your fault that I took that money out of the account. If you had moved it to the savings account like I asked, we wouldn’t be having this conversation right now. Since it was there, I had the right to use it as I saw fit.”
(Without my knowledge, he had taken $18,000 out of my bank account to pay off his credit card, which had charges for luxury spa and hotel dates with his girlfriend. I only found out about it when I scrutinized our finances, which he had always managed. So he stole my money, and I am to blame? WTF?!)
“You need to stop playing the victim. I’m really concerned about you because it’s clear you haven’t dealt with your anger yet.”
(Said two weeks after DDay. Are you for real? WTF!)
Five years later I am happy to be on my own, away from the duplicity and disrespect.
With enough distance, I can laugh at the nonsense, but it did take time and no contact to get here.
I would love to hear other chumps’ WTF head scratchers for the Friday Challenge. I am sure there will be a lot that are similar to mine since cheaters seem to share the same playbook.
Chump Lady, your book and blog have helped me see the BS for what it is. Thank you for helping all of us chumps!
BuildingANewLife
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Dear BuildingANewLife,
Congrats on getting free of Mr. Mindfuck. We’ve all been there, and this blog is really nothing but a compendium of stupid things cheaters say, so you can all compare notes. They’re not original. (And you aren’t freak of the week. Sadly, this crap is very common. There are only so many ways to manipulate a person.)
That said, they do come up with some doozies. I think one of my favorites is:
“I didn’t cheat on you, I cheated on your idea that I wouldn’t cheat on you.”
Ooh… meta brain twizzler…
You gotta hand it to your ex to think on his feet like that, to make this all your fault. Or perhaps he’d been saving up all his mindfuckery like one big bombing of Dresden. It m must come as a shock to cheaters to be found out, so it’s DARVO, DARVO, DARVO! to gain the upper hand again.
So, your Friday Challenge wish is granted. CN — what nuggets of crazy were you served after D-Day?
TGIF!
I was at work when I received a call from my attorney. “[insert ex’s name] would like you to help him repair his relationship with his children”.
😳
My co-workers came to see why I was laughing so hard!
😂
Mine said he wouldn’t talk to me until I fixed his relationship with the kids. That line is even funnier delivered through your lawyer. He PAID to tell you that!!
After DDay, before he left, X informed me that we were going to divide up our young adult/teen children.
“I get S21, you can keep D18 and we”ll split S16.”
Haha, no. The older two never spoke to him again (8 years still going strong) and my poor baby boy spent two years in visitation hell. We celebrated that child’s 18th birthday like nobody’s business.
Splitting the children? So it’s not only women who are objects then, ok
FFS. That one made me laugh out loud.
Asshat told me that I “owed him our son” (I have older daughter/younger son). Complete transactional covert narc.
I think it says a lot that he wasn’t interested in the daughter. Either that he knew she would automatically side with you, or see through his BS a lot more easily. Or just some mysogynistic claptrap. For some reason cheater X automatically assumed in the early days of my pregnancy that we would be having a boy, and it broke his brain, like I saw the gears graunch, when we found out she was a girl. He actually admitted that is just what he had thought. They’re not right in the head, I should have seen it coming.
He was interested in her when she was little and cute and adored him. Then she grew up. She told me that how he treated me was abusive and if I didn’t divorce him, she was never coming home again. That proved an easy choice. The nuclear fallout included him refusing to fill out her FAFSA, stalking her publicly on social media and harassing her at work. Now she’s in law school and wants to be a victim’s advocate!
☝🏻This
When my father abandoned us, he packed up the macaroni portrait I made of him in kindergarten. Not one photo of his children growing up from the photo albums. We were teenagers when he left. Years later, he whined about not having any photos. Too cheap to make copies from the shoebox of negatives ? Maybe.
They just don’t care.
Ha! “Split” the youngest? That’s some King Solomon and the baby BS. What an idiot.
My decree has this written into it—mother will rehabilitate father!’s relationship with the [adult] children. Uh huh. Liar McLiar can work on that himself. Doubt very much he wants an honest relationship with them. He’s all about transactional (cough, cough) relations.
Nope. Folks need to clean up the messes THEY made.
Speaking as a lawyer, these kinds of provisions infuriate me.
Ahhhhi have so many of these. 1. When ironing out a custody agreement – I can’t take every Friday I have important dating to do! Alas he is a lonely man. 2. My son had a horrible accident and needed his knee rebuilt with cadaver tendons and other tendons he loaned to himself… why does he need such a fancy surgery it’s not like he is an athlete.. yep said in front of my teenager. I replied well he has to walk for the rest of his life. 3. I want to see the kids more which is a lie he sees them 12 hours a week or less. Then often says he wants 50% custody to which my teenagers say please no. 4. When I first left he used to tell me he still loved me. When it was clear I was not coming back he got nasty and discarding.
Thanks for sharing. My ex ( who I had to sue twice for basic child support despite his being a judge, a job I helped him get), told me he needed more money because he had to pay on dates, whereas I, as a woman, got paid for. Yep, that’s your biggest expense raising a kid, your dating budget. 😆
“I hope you better yourself and go to therapy.” Bold coming from the woman who gaslit her partner for months and cheated on her since the beginning.
FW told me he didn’t want me to go to therapy because “you’ll realize you don’t need me anymore”.
Yup.
Snap. ‘Do you think you need therapy?’ So I said, ‘Not particularly, do you?’ Then the revelation that he had indeed been having ‘therapy’. Not your common or garden counselling like I had been having as my dad had. just died and I had looked after him through cancer and then my partner walking out. Oh no, not counselling. That’s for the plebs. He’s had proper therapy ‘Where you look deep inside yourself’. Apparently he hadn’t told me about it because ‘If I knew him I would know his is a private person’. Who recommended the therapist I ask? ‘A friend’. I think we know who that turned out to be. Honestly Bold doesn’t even cover it with their gaslighting does it.
After D-day, when I’d walked out of his flat, filed for divorce, and wasn’t answering his calls or texts, he left a voicemail.
“Listen, you fucking idiot, are you coming back here? (silence, then a laugh). Just give me a call, OK ? (another laugh).
I don’t know how I managed to resist.🙄🤣
how romantic – a modern day Mr Darcy
I think I’d make that his special ringtone.
That is spooky, the madness, caught on tape.
Yeah mine sent a charming email telling me to get my head out of my ass, stop ruining my children’s life and go back. I was acting like a spoiled brat apparently and thought I was something because I have a job. Same dude cheated on me with a plethora of women then financially abused me.
You over there, with your, JOB, think you’re so, AMAZING … God at least it’s funny to be fair
Charming
Wow, Chumpnomore6, you are mighty! Your silence in response to that nasty voicemail probably rang loudly in his ears for a long time.
Too many to write , but my all time favorite was when he said he felt he could date a “better caliber” of women if he could just say he was separated. According to STBX, too many “better women” refused to date a married man.
( He still insists he wants no divorce- he is getting one )
First date guy admitted he was still “technically” married. I told him I only dated single, not separated and certainly not “it’s complicated”. He was FURIOUS. Talked about how evil she was, how she was dragging out the divorce to punish him, and tons of sad sausage stuff.
“Why on earth would I volunteer to get involved with any of that? To be your unpaid therapist and legal counsel, to have that vitriol intrude on our relationship with no end in sight? To potentially coparent with a crazy and vindictive person? No thank you!”
And he was gobsmacked that I said no. While his brain was processing the initial rejection, I pointed out that lying about his relationship status on dating profiles to reach more candidates suggested that he was a really shitty person.
Then I left to live my life of peace, tranquility, financial security – footloose and fuckwit free.
What a dick. Mine said that he was tired of going to sex clubs and paying for hookers so he was settling down with one girlfriend. He actually thought I was going to be happy about this.
Ooh mine said that too!
“You kept asking me if I was gay (because we had an almost non existent sex life) and so I had to find out (by answering a m2m ad on Craigslist but denies actually meeting up) “
Can’t believe you turned that poor man gay, he was just trying to be celibate and pure.
According to my STBX, m2m was just something he wanted to try and now he is done. Sure it is…tried for over a decade and only stopped when discovered.. course, we know the lying, serial cheating, gaslighter has not stopped, but who cares!
In my “marriage” apparently craigslist wonders were the norm for decades…he left to live with one 40 years younger than himself…after bringing him into our home for 5 years as his “friend”…I bought his “friend” Christmas presents and accepted him as “our friend”….it didn’t work out and he now lives by himself…I’m significantly happier…he is recovering from major surgery by himself in his small apartment ..there had been so much emotional abuse that I had had no friends for 9 years when he left. I have been blessed with amazing “strangers” who helped me and became friends…abuse is so insidious and deliberate
Im so sorry you were treated like this. So glad you’re free.
“You’re so strong and independent it seemed like you didn’t need ALL of me.”
Got it: strong and independent are bad. Unloveable, even. And also a license to disregard wedding vows of monogamy. And by implication, the only way to keep a spouse faithful is to be weak and dependent. Though I’m guessing plenty chumps have heard THAT as an excuse for cheating as well.
In related news: I had to throw thanksgiving dinner in the garbage because it was delicious, and I had to throw dog poop on the Klimt because it was beautiful. #UpIsDown
With a little perspective it becomes clear that serial cheaters do what they want and craft these nonsensical “explanations” after the fact to justify their desires.
Ha! I got this too. I “seemed to be able to stand on my own two feet” and “didn’t need him”. I said “isn’t that a good thing? Wouldn’t you rather be with someone who WANTED to be with you rather than someone who NEEDED to be?” Nope. He wanted dependence.
The tragedy is that the nonsensical explanations take what would otherwise be a good and healthy response (“my spouse is telling me about a problem; I need to take her words seriously, do some introspection, and strike a compromise for the good of our marriage”) and weaponizes it. Since the explanations don’t make sense, we’re running in circles trying to solve imaginary or mutually contradictory “problems”, exhausting and frustrating ourselves. This is a deliberate (though maybe unconscious) ploy.
I wish my XW had just said “I have met someone else”, rather than inventing shit to make me think that (1) it was my fault, and (2) because it was my fault, there was something I could do to save the marriage.
Yes. What I wish he had said was “You are a good person and have been a faithful wife but I have decided that I do not want to be in this marriage. My mind is 100% made up and I will be leaving tonight.”
The whole accusation that he needed to divorce me because I was a bed wife sent me down rabbit holes I wish I had never go into.
I have experienced exactly this. You made bad choices. They had terrible consequences, you attempted to convince me that indeed they might improve the marriage. Then on refusal of your kind offer, you begin ripping apart the person you still continue to profess to love!!????
Unicornomore, followed by “here are my negative STI results so you don’t have to worry, and you’re getting all the money because I realize what I’m doing is a betrayal and a violation of vows I made to you that you relied on.” Mic drop!
For the 7 years between D-day and his death, I had an endless loop in my brain trying to figure out why he was so mean and selfish. I kept looking for a reason when the actual reason was that he liked neither me not being married and he really did suck that much. I was, however a wonderful wife appliance that he wanted to keep to tend things and children.
It wasn’t until after he died that I realized what a terrible husband he had been.
“nor being married” sorry for typo
Yep, somewhere inside their black hole of a personality, they either consciously or subconsciously realise they just don’t have the depth/courage to deal with hard things, and they don’t want to be compelled by a sense of obligations, personal ethics or at least guilt into addressing this in an honest way, either by putting in an effort to fix the relationship issues, or just admitting that they’ve found something shiny that they’d rather put their energy into and look exactly as shallow as they are. So they point the finger to get themselves off the hook and out the door. It’s so childish.
Unicornomore, I also went down a rabbit hole. I believed everything he vomited all over me. I needed answers… I wanted to fight for a marriage that he had unilaterally ended and I was desperate. I think back to the person I was 7.5 years ago at the time of his departure. It was a dark, terrifying world and here I was bringing up two traumatised teens who were distressed and angry and blamed me.
Those rabbit holes were overwhelming and self-recriminatory. They were confusing and deep and vast. The grief, the immense grief and being so alone in my devastation. The re-run in my head… I beat myself up over everything. And he wanted me to.
What he said on D Day wasn’t stupid. It was deeply disturbing- meant to completely destroy me. To be honest it did for a while… but I crawled out of those rabbit holes and have stayed out.
He sees the kids and has a surface relationship with them… but they don’t stay with him and have never lived with him. I wouldn’t want to be him – he has broken down with them telling them of his regrets. I think it is true, not just manipulation ( he is good at manipulation).
He probably lives in a rabbit hole of his own making. I wouldn’t want to be him. Lost his kids for what…. a woman who had her own issues and agendas and was using him and dumped him? If he is even slightly decent, that must be on re-run in his head. Self gratification ends badly.
It certainly does.
They try so desperately to claw themselves back from the situation they happily got themselves into. They didn’t care then, didn’t protect a single member of their family. Used everybody to further their situation. Lied and deceived ( both parties in my case, the affair person too.) on a daily basis. Ping ponged between both woman, as and when it was convenient to them or met their requirements.Then have the audacity to call you names, play the victim and defame your character. In between declaring love and change. Rinse and repeat. We are now divorced, selling the home but emotionally and mentally I’ve paid an unbelievable price! Two years since I discovered the affair, he still in the house. Refused to leave and has made me drag his sorry behind kicking and screaming to get out of this marriage, like the spoilt little boy he is.
He regrets the RESULTS FOR HIM of his stupid choices. Not the choices themselves, or the harm those choices did to others, most of all his own children. Believe me, kids figure that out.
Been there, dealt with that.
Sorry to hear all that Expectations. You are mighty! Sounds familiar. My ex was so cruel and flippant after DDay. He was abusive, cold and cruel. Because he was deeply involved in a terrifying S&M world with some dodgy people, I asked him to get a vasectomy (he had fertility issues anyway but I wanted to be sure). The reason was that I didn’t want our daughter to have to deal with a half sibling from one of his freak show sex slaves. I just didn’t want her exposed to his world. But what he said was this – no, I won’t get a vasectomy because I can have another family but you can’t – you’re too old. I was 50 at the time.
What a FW! Yeah, mine is 48 cheating with a 23yo. I asked if he was going to have more kids and he said “maybe, I don’t know”. C’mon, dude, of course she wants you to knock her up and set her up for life!
As a woman who was knocked up by a FW, I can attest it does not result in being set up for life. You have to chase them in court and still they won’t pay even their share. I’m girding my loins for how broke I’m about to be. Having a child with a FW is not lucrative.
Exactly. And what you describe is the reason marriage counseling with these freaks is pointless.
Noooo, Nomar, it’s not pointless – it give them the opportunity to steal more marital funds while you try to fix critical problems like you don’t like the sitcoms he likes.
If you need an excuse, absolutely ANY excuse wor will do.
The whole hoping we can be friends afterward thing. Dude, would YOU be friends with someone who did the shit you did to me (years of cheating via paid sex and so many lies through a marriage, a couple of large moves, and child) to you?!
I got both demands for friendship as well forgiveness because “it’s not fair that you’re angry at me when I did nothing wrong. Anyway, I’ve already forgiven myself.”
Cam yes! FW tearfully told me he had forgiven himself. What? Sure, you fucked yourself over and are about to very publicly lose your family, but you’re hardly a blameless victim. In what world does your own forgiveness of yourself even matter to literally anyone? In what way have you atoned for anything, with any actual victim?
That narcissistic bullshit just made me 100% sure that I could never, ever love or respect this person again. Divorce it is.
Right? “I want us to be friends eventually”. Ok cool but I require integrity in my friends, too, and I think that excludes you. Sry.
I want to fuck you over, and still reap the benefits of your reliability, maturity, and level-headedness. Yes, I’m sure that we all wish we could be self-serving dicks without conscience or consequence, but that’s not reality. Sry.
This theme really resonates with me… Can you believe that my cheating ex asked me if I would be his legal power of attorney if he had a health crisis as he trusted me (you know.. trustworthy, loyal and sensible) and I would know what he wanted…. Ah, like What? Sorry.. like hell no. That is what a wife does and I am no longer yours.
Yup, same. His jaw dropped to the floor when I told him shortly after DDay shock that our relationship was over and our friendship was over. He said “But…it’s been twenty years, you’re just going the throw that all away!?!?” Ummm…nope, Slimeball that’s all on you – you threw it away by cheating, lying, gaslighting.
“But…it’s been twenty years, you’re just going the throw that all away!?!?”
Same. Fuckwit said “so you’re just going to throw 24 years down the drain?”
Crickets from me.
Good for you Hardworking Chump. I only wish I had had the strength or self-esteem to do that during my shitshow. It all turned out ok but I think I could have saved myself years and years of pain if I had been able to muster that response.
Regarding a time that he skipped celebrating our kid’s birthday to drive to Canada for sexy time: “well I didn’t plan to definitely do it. I hadn’t decided yet when I left home.” With his passport. And the burner phone but not his main phone. Yeah right. And he made it a point in couple’s therapy to nag me to admit it is possible that was not premeditated cheating, which I refused to give in on.
And would it somehow ‘not count’ if it wasn’t pre-meditated? What a sicko.
I don’t know if this counts, but at the final hearing, he said to my solicitor, “please thank Rob (my brother) for being there for Chumpnomore6”. I was torn between wanting to puke and laughing hysterically.🤮🤣
Oh my!! What a fucking wanker 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
“I support you in your efforts to fix our relationship.”
Like you supported me in getting the truth out of you? Like you supported honesty, respect and civility while you cheated, lied, gaslit, and abused physically, verbally, and emotionally?
I was also supposed to single-handedly fix the entire shit show. Well, I fixed me by getting out. You can eat the entire picnic of shit sandwiches yourself, buddy.
“Like you supported me in getting the truth out of you?”
Ha! On point. What a rigamarole.
Mine said “Your attempts to fix our relationship are pathetic”
and he was right
I heard these exact same words, “Brit, your continued attempts to save our marriage are pathetic.” As I started crying he went to walk past me but stopped, looked at me with a smirk on his face and said, “you’re pathetic.”
I agree…,
I got “ you look so ugly when you cry” when I was beside myself with grief.
Chumpasaurus, so sorry. What a hurtful comment. On the plus side, it just underlines how much better off you are without him. Hugs!!
Brit, I’m sorry you had to hear that. My heart hurt reading it. So many f’ers out there.
I got, “Didn’t you know our marriage was over?”
How cruel Uni. No one deserves that. It’s amazing when we look back on what we were willing to tolerate for a whole variety of reasons. Easy to say now that it was pathetic but it’s hard to see your way clear when you are in the middle of the storm and just trying to do the “right thing” with respect to your family and your children. Big sigh – this shit leaves a mark.
A skid mark.
I’ve mentioned this one before, but it bears wheeling out here.
While denying that she had been conducting an affair – despite me having irrefutable evidence that she’d been meeting up with an old boyfriend in secret and for some while – she said “This is my only chance of happiness and you can’t stop me taking it. I would have suggested an open relationship, but you lack the emotional maturity to make a relationship like that work, so we’ll have to get divorced.”
I still struggle to understand how you can deny having an affair and demand an open relationship at the same time. As others have mentioned here, when your partner demands an open relationship out of the blue, then you are most likely already in one … you just haven’t worked it out yet.
LFTT
PS – I am pretty confident that my emotional maturity isn’t – and never was – the problem.
Never ceases to amaze me how they can turn their underhanded cheating around and blame the chump. How they justify is mind boggling.
I think I was one of the many here who were in an open relationship and didnt know it. He also seemed to think that we had an established agreement.
Odd though…we would have an actual conversation to decide on what toppings we wanted for a pizza…dont you think a decision to have an open marriage would also require an actual conversation?
Me coming home really late from work once (I had worked 16 hours instead of the planned 12 in a neonatal ICU) seemed to be the thing that convinced him that we had an open marriage. He assumed I was having sex with a coworker….uh, no.
Uni, we were all in an open relationship we just didn’t know it
No doubt you would have seen her “emotional maturity” on full meltdown if you’d said “Great! I’m all in on an open relationship and there’s an old girlfriend I’m going to call right now.”
Adipae,
Of that I have no doubt.
Coincidentally, she was furious that the children (then 11, 16 and 18) wanted little or nothing to do with her AP; she stated that since they would no doubt be accepting of any future girlfriend of mine, they had to accept the AP RIGHT NOW …. and that their refusal to accept him was putting their relationship under pressure to the point that should they break up, it would be the kids fault. Not much emotional maturity – or indeed empathy – there either.
Plot spoiler; I have not dated since she left, but that is very much my choice.
LFTT
My FW blames me for our daughter not accepting his AP. And it’s true that our daughter accepts me dating but doesn’t accept her. Because it’s HONEST! FWs don’t get it.
Yep and I am fairly certain that many of those who insist on blaming the chump, are themselves in an open relationship and just haven’t been let in on it yet.
Hey Chump Lady / Chump Nation! We sure are MIGHTY to still have any brain cells left to type coherently after being in a mind fuck cheater blender lol.
There’s not enough space on the internet to list all the stupid shit cheaters say at any time.
They’re so full of shit that that’s all that comes out!
Here’s a short list from the blender spew after D Day:
* MY ALL TIME FAVOURITE!
“You emasculated me!” by working multiple jobs apparently, since it refused to.
TRUTH? = who cares.
My reply “I didn’t emasculate you. I had to grow balls the size of Mars to do everything you refused to do. You cut your balls off and handed them to me on a silver platter”.
“if you LOVED me you’d spend $100 000 on training for me to become a podiatrist” after 20 years of ME spending countless $ on every other freaking training he ‘needed’.
TRUTH? = he wanted to look up people’s skirts and never wanted to work anyway.
My reply “Your parents love you, go live there and make them pay for it”..
“I don’t know why you’re looking up all this “infidelity nonsense”, I was FAITHFUL! GET THAT THROUGH your stupid head! YOU are being unfaithful to ME by not trusting me now”
TRUTH revealed = he was ‘faithful’ to itself apparently lol.
My reply “I want someone with equal character to myself…. nuff said”.
No this is my absolute fave lol… “You’ll have me back because you LOVE me and no one gives it to you like I do”
OMG
My reply “GIT, go one GIT out” and more wonderful comparisons using explicit language.
Ahhh that was the LAST day it was here.
Gotta love the mind fucks stupid shit cheater’s mothers say after D Day: (Double chump here, TWO ex mils lol)
* “A GOOD woman stays with her husband after his dalliances”
My reply “Oh so that’s what you’ve done? That’s why he ended up the way he is?
I call it ‘fucking other women’ and I call them martyrs”.
“You FORCED him to be unfaithful!”
My reply “Lol so I got home from work, PUSHED him into the car, drove him around to *** house, stripped their clothes off, pushed them onto each other around 5 times…. till the end… how could I do that when I don’t even know where *** lives?”
“Just like a dog, if he doesn’t get fed at home, he’ll go next door to get food”
My reply “LOL! Yes “DOG” exactly”.
The BEST thing about finding out is knowing the TRUTH and being able to say whatever I wanted to, to ALL of them.
The VERY best thing is loving my NEW LIFE!
Love you Chump Lady and Chump Nation xxxx
“Why can’t you see this as an opportunity?”. (Said less than a week after XW, out of the blue with no warning whatsoever, declared that our marriage was over).
“You have to say you love me because you’re my husband, so it doesn’t count”. (Said to explain her belief that I didn’t really love her, though I told her I did).
“If you really loved me you’d have been jealous and suspicious when I traveled for work”. (Because nothing says “I love you” like monitoring and controlling your partner’s whereabouts).
In retrospect, it’s clear that all these statements reveal more about XW and her (still unacknowledged to this day, though they’re now married) affair partner than about me.
Do you know that saying about wherever you go there you are? Well wherever she went there she is and her new guy is going to find out at some point. Then you might get a phone call asking you some questions. It will be time to get a recliner, some popcorn, a beer and watch.
I got pretty standard Fuckwittery. I think they all come from the same manual. Some of FW’s classics included:
1. Until I met Schmoopie (via a hookup site), I had to masturbate.
2. So really, I should get more than 50% of the assets because I saved money up until now and I am older than you are.
3. Any judge will make us continue to live together (um, big NO on that).
4. The judge will not care that I cheated (but the judge DID care that he spent a ton of money cheating).
5. My affair made me happier and made our marriage better (um, how does that work????? WTF???).
6. You need to get our son to talk to me (nope, the son is almost 27 years old and makes his own choices)
I try not to think about it now and just laugh but in the early days I was trying to get meaning out of and there really was no meaning. It was also worthless chatter.
When DDay came, he gave me one hour to ask any questions I had, and I wasn’t allowed to cry. Then we wouldn’t discuss it anymore.
Ugh, that sounds familiar, Trudy. Hard to believe we “agreed” to this insanity, isn’t? Even worse, therapists condone such “strategies.” The success of reconciliation rests alley on our shoulders. It’s no wonder we finally crack.
Fucking bastard. I hate him for you.
I hope you’ve cried since, because crying is cathartic. And I hope that fuckers dick withers and drops off. The arrogance! Hugs.xx
Wow. I hope you have well and truly escaped from that. Horrible.
Every single betrayal and mindfuck I pointed out, he turned around and claimed I did to him. It was completely crazy making. I actually started wondering if I had abused him in any way. That took some inner work to eradicate. Like most chumps, I wanted to understand if I had done anything. Wow! That was a lot of time wasted. But, as my favorite movie scene is narrated by Morgen Freeman, the gist is: I crawled through a long tunnel of sewage to emerge free on the other side. YIPPEE! It is so worth the work!
Mine never admitted to what was clearly going on. Always accused me of his behavior.
His levels of projection were off the charts. Even went so far as to relate in court an incident were he had screamed and cussed at me while pounding on the steering wheel at a child handoff as if I had done it.
“I always loved you.”
VOMIT
They don’t know what love is.
Two and a half years after multiple D-days and 18-months of “wreckonciliation” — during which the abuse continued– I finally left and went through a terrible divorce process. Two days after a zoom hearing when the judge approved the divorce, I got this email:
“friday was a sad day for me. i’m not sure how it was for you but i wanted to acknowledge all the pain i’ve caused you. if i could go back in time, my actions would have been different. i’m pretty certain of that. but i know i can’t. in any event, friday seemed like too big an event to just pass by without noting it. ”
He is nothing if not consistent! Passive voice, sorry/not sorry, etc. It’s almost comical.
“My actions would be different”. Note that he didn’t say he wouldn’t cheat. He would have simply found some other way of hiding it.
Nothing says apology and redemption like “I’m pretty certain of that”. WTF.
Sounds like my ex, who when I asked him not to be at the court hearing that would grant me the divorce (I did all the work of the divorce; he didn’t even get a lawyer), said, “I’ll have to think about it. It seems like I ought to be present for something as important as that in my life.” Too bad he wasn’t “present” in our marriage!
Like the old game of adding “…..in bed” at the end of every fortune inside a fortune cookie, I add, “…..said the liar, cheater, thief” after every sentence he utters. It’s a great tool for keeping your head out of the blender.
I can now add “criminal”.
My mechanic found a GPS tracking device on my car last Monday. I called the police. It belongs to Traitor Ex. Who that very morning said “You’re trying to control me!” “You’re trying to dominate me!” “You don’t want Little Hammer to have a father!” “I’d be happy to see her more!” (Which is complete horseshit because he never asked for more than the few hours he has and did not do a single thing suggested by Dr. Kickass CoParent or Little Hammer’s therapist to try to repair things with Little Hammer. Not one. Which of course I pointed out.)
The same jerk who has said “My personal life is none of your business and I won’t answer any more questions from you!” and freaks out when I am on the street near his house (the grocery store and the doctor’s office are on the street below his groovy Greg Brady bachelor pad).
Now I know how he knew I was there.
He’s been out of town this week. I’d give anything to be a fly on the wall when he logs on to see where I am and the signal is coming from the police department, where the device will be booked into evidence this weekend after I pick the car up.
It’s a criminal investigation. Out of my hands, bro.
We’ve been divorced just over a year.
I’d have his balls in a vise, but he doesn’t have any.
God bless my mechanic. It pays to maintain your car with someone you know and trust. I brought one of my other vehicles to his shop the next morning. We put it up on the lift and there is evidence on the frame that the device has lived there too.
Little Hammer was with me and I was on speakerphone when he called me to let me know what he found. She asked to go with me to the shop with the other vehicle. Life lesson for her. Here’s what you do if you find a GPS tracking device on your vehicle. Of course the jerk, who claims to know all about love, did not think about how this hurt her sense of safety and security, how it violated her.
And please keep your side of the street clean, fellow chumps. I know it’s hard when the person you loved and trusted, and their hired hitman/hitwoman fucked you and your children over royally. But I promise you it will pay off. It feels REALLY good right now that I have stayed on the high road.
I should add that this incident, without question, puts him in the category of batterer. There is no “l fell in love” or claim of unhappiness involved to obfuscate and sugar coat what is really going on…..abuse.
holy shit. this is serious, VH.
I’m so sorry he did that, VH, and I feel privileged to witness your MIGHTY.
Ya know Hammer, I’ve suspected my ex has put a GPS on my vehicle too. He was just turning up too much where I was & one of the times, it was him & the AP laughing it up in his truck as they passed by me. I booked a mechanical appointment but got t-boned by someone & my car was written off before the appointment. I just took my new car in for scheduled maintenance, but I never thought to ask them to look for a GPS (since I don’t see FW much anymore)….so my question is do we have to ask the mechanic to look for a GPS or will they discover it during general maintenance?
Wow, I have taken my cars in specifically to have them swept for surveillance devices because I suspected them. My local auto electronics guy is a friend and he monitors vehicles for local FBI, Secret Service, lawyers and rock stars. He has never found anything.
But this means it just wasn’t there the day he looked. They are magnetic and can be easily removed and replaced.
The car in this incident is maintained by an independent mechanic who used to be the shop foreman at the dealership. We have a long relationship and he just happened to see it. I doubt this would have been discovered by a mechanic at the dealership.
If you suspect it, take it in. It cost me an hour of shop time per vehicle. The problem is that it’s completely hit and miss. You could have the car swept and immediately after someone could put one on. But I would still ask as a matter of course if you are having a vehicle serviced.
This incident was a total stroke of luck (or help from a Higher Power?)
Otherwise I would have had to have caught him in the act, and that would have meant staying up all night watching my cars every night. Even with cameras and security lights it would be like fishing for a mermaid.
While we were “miraged”, it never even crossed my mind that he might be monitoring me with a GPS tracker, and he probably was. And when you’re married, it’s not necessarily illegal. And how might I have responded? I’m glad to have found out now, with over a year divorced under my belt. That puts it firmly in criminal investigation territory.
I am going out this morning to look under my other vehicle. Cheaters especially are creatures of habit, which helps you when you need to gather intel to make decisions and protect yourself.
Thanks for the reply, Hammer. I’m going to see if there is something I can purchase (even a long mirror) to scan underneath for a tracking device. I don’t want to pay or go thru the hassle of taking my car in constantly. Good luck getting the xFW prosecuted! That is some freaky/scary shit they’re doing!!
Wow, I think something that picks up an electronic signal would be better. A mirror won’t reveal much. To get a visual you really need the car up on a lift and you need to know what to look for. In the case of my second vehicle, the rust marks on the frame that corresponded to the magnet housings on the device case was the giveaway, something you wouldn’t see with a mirror.
Rust marks ?! That means the tracker was there for a while. I hope the cops nail his ass.
VH, that is scary. You’re such a tough cookie and so mighty. I’m glad the device was found the way it was and that the police took you seriously.
DV stuff is a big trigger for me so I’m not sure how appropriate-sized my reaction is, but I’m scared for you.
Magnolia, it is very scary. Not just for me but for Little Hammer, who has been privy to what has transpired.
No one saw the Watts family murders coming. People still believe Scott Peterson is innocent. I assume that bad things can happen to me just like they can happen to anyone else. The last time I was hospitalized by a romantic partner (1988) was after we had broken up.
I am taking this step by step and very seriously.
Thank you for your concern.
❤️
I’d have his balls in a vice but he doesn’t have any. Brilliant! Applies to my FW too.
VelvetHammer i love your witty insights and comments. Makes me smile every day. Thank you
Maybe next week’s Friday challenge could be “Stupid Things Cheaters DO After DDay”……
PS
People who have affairs are not healthy. I know it’s hard to believe because they are masters of confusion with all their talk of “love” and “happiness”. But you have to keep your focus on the affair, which is the tell from which the Wizards of Oz are trying to divert your attention.
“You need to stop playing the victim. I’m really concerned about you because it’s clear you haven’t dealt with your anger yet.”
7 years post d-day, 6 years post-divorce, and despite Phd-level gray rock education and experience, and I STILL get this one regularly.
concern trolling!
That line is like a master class in manipulation. Frame the situation on your terms, then make yourself the wise, detached, “concerned” person who knows what your problem is. And I assume it’s projection, too. I twitch just reading that.
He kept trying to minimize his big, in-my-face affair with the neighbor, after I applied consequences. Once he was told I was starting divorce, and moving to my Mom’s, he got pretty creative with the truth!
My fave-
“We got a little too close”
And then-
“She’s just like you! And I don’t see why we can’t go on like this?”
Umm, she’s not anything like me, I have self respect and don’t blow married men!?
Basically, he’s a greedy pig, and anything he vowed to me at our wedding doesn’t count now. I guess his fingers were crossed behind his back.
“And I don’t see why we can’t go on like this?”
Christ on a bike. What, he wanted you to be sister wives?!
🤣🤮🤣
After DDay, I felt like I was in a complete Bizarro World. The guy I knew to be quiet and introverted and sexless became maniacal and evil and mocking…. And had cheated on me with his coworker? That guy I could barely persuade to have sex with me no matter what I did?
Late the evening of DDay, I called him in despair and he called the police on me and told them I was “suicidal.” FW showed up at the house direct from AP’s home 2 miles away, and watched coldly as police cuffed me (first time ever in my life) and took me to a facility for mental review. That was the splash of cold water that I needed… while I waited for hours to be seen (and found to be fine by police and their insight psychiatrist, but traumatized by that dick FW), I realized that the guy I knew was gone.
Then over the next year, FW tried to abuse me through the coparenting coordinator (a narcissist piece of shit himself) — saying that “she can’t deal with being without our son. She needs to be with him all the time “ when I reported him for being physically and mentally abusive to our 9 year old son during his . No, FW, I would have liked to have a few days to myself every other week to manage through the trauma and endless discovery questions, but instead was dealing with frantic calls from my son in tears as FW called son names, shoved him, held him down, locked him outside and called the police on him… repeatedly.
FW also said ad nauseum “you still love me.” Which was hilarious when his attorney finally met me a couple of years later and I introduced her to my boyfriend. She still thought I was obsessed with FW, based on his BS about me loving him so much.
I got to hear in court that FW told his attorney and the judge that our marriage was bad for 7 years. That was news to me.
He laughed at me when he left that I hadn’t held a job in 10 years (SAHM) so I’d never find work. I was able to get right back into my career thanks to a wonderful network from past coworkers and friends.
Son loathes AP and refuses to go to their house, so FW just takes him to movies or dinner. But FW has created a story that he doesn’t permit son at his house with AP and it’s somehow all my fault. We just had to update child support payments and FW doesn’t see son overnight more than 20 days a year at most (so he owes me max), but his attorney came after me that it’s my fault because I don’t somehow force son to behave for FW and AP (son is 16 now). I have no words anymore for the DARVO still happening 7 years post DDay.
Happy Friday
Two more years.
When my son turned 18, a solid, smart and caring young man, I was celebrating my freedom from having to ‘co-parent’ with X-Ass just as much as I was his son’s landmark birthday.
Skunkcabbage, the good news is that with the $20k (for real) I had to spend with attorneys 2 years ago to get FW to stop being abusive to our son and to make FW sign to let our son go home and get away from AP and her threats of police… things are smoother. At 16, son is more mature and able to write off that his father is limited. And now FW is stuck paying me maximum child support for the next 2 years (his attorney could ape FW’s DARVO all he wants, but the LAW is if FW isn’t keeping our son the number of days required, then he can’t get out of child support. My attorney and I simply answered — “that’s nice. You owe this $$$ amount per Virginia law.”)
But yes… 2 more years until 18 and free of a FW 🙂
My ex thought we’d be friends and I’d join the ranks of exes he had poor boundary with. He thought he’d tell me how great I looked, get jollies by flirting, and protect his phony image by showing everyone how we were friends.
Fuck off. My friends aren’t nasty, don’t act like a prick and play dumb, and don’t keep whores on the side.
He’s blocked. The other day I saw him out running when I was out running and he crossed the street to avoid me. He never used to do that…..he’d try to exchange phony pleasantries. It was fantastic to finally see him avoid me after trying so hard for kibbles!
Kim, he might be trying another tactic on you. By crossing the street & avoiding you, he might be hoping it will trigger a “run after him”, “you want what you can’t have” instinct. I know because my ex has tried to Hoover me this way. My youngest caught him doing it & told him to stop.
( Insert mistress’ name) saved our marriage. You were not available to me when your mom was dying of cancer.
( Insert mistress’ name) knew what I was going through because she also lost her mom to cancer.
I need more than one woman to take care of all my needs.
I’ve always been fascinated by women, they are such a mystery. ( said Charles Darwin ‘studying’ his latest conquest with his purely scientific eye)
I need change in my life.
I could live a thousand different lives and been happy.
I don’t want to take care of anyone anymore. ( words on his exit) But isn’t that what ppl that love each other just do because of that love?! Look out for one another? 🤷♀️
Once I’m done with someone I’m done. But if ever there were a chance of it working out again, it could only be with you. ( cue blender up to high speed spinning that fuckwittery!)
Chumpasauras45, I’m sorry for the loss of your mother. 🙁 These FW’s have to have ALL the attention ALL the time! My XFW acted jealous when our first child was born. At the hospital, he downplayed my delivery to anyone who asked about me over the phone. He did not take one single picture of me with our son. He however has lots, because I’m a good person like that! Back at home, he’d make snide remarks about diapers or me not writing in the baby’s milestones calendar, even though he was only born a week before. One week in, and he was already making me feel like a failure as a mother. Then my mom and sister came to visit from out-of-state. That’s when he went into full psycho mode. Our son was crying, and he refused to give him to me, so I could at least try nursing him. The FW stood there in our dining room and flipped through the “Parenting for Dummies” book, all the while our son cried in his arms. I asked him again to give him to me and he said, “He’s my child too.” He then proceeded to go down to our unfinished basement with our crying son. I followed him downstairs and asked again for our son, and he stood against the concrete wall and said, “No!” I went back upstairs and sat on the couch and my mom and sister asked what’s going on. I said I didn’t know. Little did I know I was dealing with a sociopath! He did not like that our son was taking attention away from himself. 15 years later, the same son was performing a magic trick for five people. Me, FW, daughter and grandparents. FW intentionally ruined the trick by picking at the card to find that it was different in some way from the others. Son was so humiliated and walked away and sat on the couch all by himself; he might have even cried, but I can’t remember. FW used to do magic when he was a kid, so I’m sure our son now having that attention trigged the sociopath to put a stop to it. Who does that to their own child?!! A socipath!!
“You were not available to me when your mom was dying of cancer”
Dear God. Do they actually listen to themselves ?!
What a fucking utterly selfish bastard.😡
I’m so sorry you had to hear that.💖
Chumpasaurus, oh yes! When my father died of cancer, that’s when FW said I stopped paying attention to him enough.
The only thing that seems to vary among FWs is the level of audacity. My fave is my XW’s claim that her multiple affairs weren’t cheating because they didn’t meet in hotel rooms over a long period. But by being an insufficient husband, I broke our vows.
My ex was a real wizard at coming up with gems:
– The SecondSelf I know would never be saying these things- said after I finally asked him to move out. He was right! It took me a while to find my backbone.
– It only happened a few times – said about his visits to massage parlor prostitutes.
– I would like the marital bed for memories sake- said via his attorney during negotiations. My attorney was grossed out, as was I.
“She’s like a sister to me” for whom he bought lingerie and a jackrabbit vibrator. My reply was “if that is what you think ‘sisters’ or family are for, you will never see [our 15 yr old daughter] again.”
“She’s like a sister to me” for whom he bought lingerie and a jackrabbit vibrator”
I got something similar, “I think of her as a daughter!”
I said, so you want to fuck your daughter?🤮
“You told me it was okay to have a girlfriend, I can’t believe you don’t remember that.” 🙄
Omg!! My x said the same thing!
Out Ex’s must have read the same script. Every example you use was used in me. Exactly the same.
My ex tried throwing all this BS at me hoping that something would stick & take me out like a torpedo.
It did blow me out of the water initially, but with the help of Chump Lady, the wise chumps here & some others, I was finally able to see his game & one day said to him: so what you really mean is I’m too strong & smart for you & you actually need a stupid, weak-ass bitch like (AP’s name)?!! Well, that actually blew him back physically & I could see his pea brain trying to come up with a response other than the look of horror that the jig was up (he ended up running away). Anywho, he didn’t try to mind-fuck with me after that! He actually avoids me now because he knows I can give him a slap-down. Stay strong, Chumps & don’t believe the BS! These are not your friends & family who genuinely have care & concern for you…don’t believe one word that comes out of their lying yap-holes!
He was the victim in all of it. So crazy and yet the story of so many others!
“Why would you want to stay married to someone like me, aren’t you glad I divorcing you?” Yeah, that’s the ticket, I loved our family getting destroyed by your need to be happy.
The other is when she guilts me into trying to help the boys by saying we need to be united and help them heal. Excuse me, I’m not the one who introduced a guy to them a month into our separation and had him move in weeks after our divorce was finalized. I’m not the one who put my needs first, I still arrive to an empty apartment that is in disrepair every night. But I need to assist you in fixing your mess.
Cheeky cow!!!!
“I was meeting up with couples for sex.I thought it was better than having an affair”. (Btw trickle truth did indeed reveal affairs)
my husband said, ” I didn’t think it was cheating because I was with men”…right
Exactly.
#downlowdoesntcount 🤦♀️
So many! One old favourite, when I texted the ex to tell him that I knew that he had rekindled his schoolboy romance with life coach exgfOW. Imagine a grave tone of voice and sad sausage expression: ‘truth and perception are not the same thing’. It had ‘life coach’ written all over it. And on this occasion, truth and perception were exactly the same thing!
And a new favourite, said on being told by a friend that I was doing well, yet again with a sad sausage face: ‘I’m happy for her’. Somehow I don’t think so …
“Imagine a grave tone of voice and sad sausage expression: ‘truth and perception are not the same thing”
What does that even mean ?
High grade word salad.🙄🤣
Chumpnomore66, he always was a one for intelligent sounding word salad, and I sucked it up for 26 years. We are both lawyers. He told me that, in a work meeting in Paris, a French lawyer said in French to his team: ‘I hate that fucking little Englishman’. The ex kicked off and the teams had to take time out. As we know, the French love a salad, but word salad, not so much 😂
🇫🇷 versus 🇬🇧 🤣 🥗
Vive La France !
👏😆👏
Another one that I found out way after the fact was that ex FW asked my adult kids:
Do you think your mom would take her own life?
Pisses the ever living hell out of me thinking he would scare my kids like that!! At a time of never before seen unrest in our lives and they were already beyond confused and traumatized by it all! What a selfish prick!
The kids said they didn’t feel it was true but it scared them to hear it anyway.
The LAST thing I would have done is checked out and leave them to deal with the manipulative narrative creating mindfuck of their dad they didn’t even recognize any longer and his lying whore.
No way would I leave ppl I dearly love with that situation on their own, I couldn’t perceive of a bigger nightmare!
My daughter has said many times after the divorce that the most grounded and stable person in the family through any of this has been me. 😳
I laugh at that, because I was anything but grounded and stable!! My insides felt like scorched earth, but it makes me feel good on some level, that they sensed my solidness around that, and it was a valid assessment I see in retrospect. I always knew what to value in life.
Their opinion of their dad through the whole process was someone they didn’t recognize and someone who had “ lost his mind”.
My skin actually crawls at the idea of FW and his whore AP raising my daughter if something happened to me. Jeebus!
They really do think they are so wonderful that we will just crumble without them. I wouldn’t give the ass wipe the satisfaction.
Before I discovered the cheating she said something ridiculous but revealing. She wanted me to get rid of the dog that was our son’s birthday present a couple years before. He was a handful and could be destructive and I was desperate to save our marriage. I caved in and found a breed specific rescue group that would rehome him. When I told her we now have to tell our kids her reaction was,
“No, you are just trying to make me the bad guy!”
This was beyond confusing at the time, but of course now I know she was already cheating. Spreading chaos, mindfuckery and preemptive DARVO. If the story of our divorce was a novel, then this was the foreshadowing.
Ah, my ex was so good at flipping a script, latching onto something I’d said but turning it around so that I was the one at fault and he was the victim.
My ex had a secret life. When he disclosed it, and while I was in “wreckoncliation” and the horizontal pick-me dance phase, I was insistent that he needed to be open with me, to communicate.
Fast forward. I wised up and found a lawyer.
When my then-stbx and I met to discuss the division of assets (meaning, when we met so he could lay out for me what he believed he deserved and was entitled to, to which he expected me to agree), my ex said, “Our problem was communication. But I didn’t feel I could talk to you.”
“My ex was so good at flipping a script, latching onto something I’d said but turning it around so that I was the one at fault and he was the victim.” Yep. All the damn time. Throughout all the trauma of his betrayal these past few years, I had forgotten how often this happened (long before dday). It was crazy-making. Yet another reason to be thankful I’m out.
After 35 years married and me ignoring red flags for few years, I finally served him divorce papers.
He was very angry which I didn’t understand because he told me he wanted to be single. Had to live with him until divorce was final which took 9 months. He slept in our basement keeping the phone on speaker so I’d hear the Owhore
laughing at me and him telling her personal embarrassing lies about me. It was very hard to live like that
but I had no choice. He told me I nagged too much that’s why he fell out of love with me. Sleeping with me continuously while the affair was going on. It seems these lying cheaters have no conscience and whatever they say they believe.
Truly living alone is better than a life filled with deceit and pain.
“He slept in our basement keeping the phone on speaker so I’d hear the Owhore
laughing at me and him telling her personal embarrassing lies about me”
Oh Kathleen, I can’t even begin to imagine the horror of that. It’s truly evil . Thank God you are now out of that shit show.
What kind of people do shit like that? Evil people. Hugs.xx
The one that still bothers me. “I’m not only done with you, but everyone in the family, except our daughter. I will make an effort for her” He proceeded to ignore his parents during their last days. Never went to see them citing that it was too painful for him to watch them die. He has since cut off ties from his brother and nieces. Shows what a true sociopath he is. I was just at his niece’s wedding and was asked why he didn’t come, even to just be with his daughter who was there. I had no answer for the person. How do explain that for 30 years, you lived with a narcissistic sociopath who cared about no one except himself and that you were the one that forced him (his words) into family responsibility? My meh was realizing how he screwed up with everyone and I was still blessed to have them in my life.
I have no idea if he was actually telling the truth (for the first time ever) or just thought this was a good answer but needless to say, it didn’t get him back into my home, my life or my good graces:
“Why’d you do it?”
“I was just seeing what I could get away with. They didn’t mean anything to me”
Ten years later, the 67 y/o gigolo’s life is still one of finding women to live off of. Once he gets them ensnared they find out, like I did, that he’s a convicted felon who has difficulty finding employment.
Three months after D-Day, grey rock on my part and almost divorced by then:
“The reason we don’t talk is because I respect what you said to only talk divorce logistics. We can meet and discuss the reasons for the breakup if you want. I never gave you any because I don’t think it is right to tell you my complaints, the same way I don’t tell my friends my complaints about them.” We had always explicitly spoken about how as a couple we needed to discuss even difficult feelings. I wonder what story he wanted to tell me 3 months later. I told him I wasn’t interested.
“I never told anyone you are a bad person.” (I’m sure this was not the phrasing he used, though 🤣)
“I cheated on you because you spent so much money on groceries, and I told you you need to cook more at home.” Um, what?! (also spoken by the person who NEVER got our groceries including when I was 9 months pregnant, and whose contributions to cooking at home were cooking out maybe twice a summer.)
My favorite of many stupid things he said was “ you just need to accept and respect” … which was the last thing he said to me cause I went no contact.
That was after a 35 yr marriage !
“Submit !” 🤣🤣🤣
After the betrayal and abuse from him, during my “fix the marriage pick-me phase” he said
“Men like to be admired”
My mind cleared from my fog just long enough to tell him
“The first step to being admired is to be admirable”
Brilliant!!
“The first step to being admired is to be admirable”
👏👏👏👏👏😆
There are so many, but I think my favorite was “it doesn’t matter if we divorce because I will sweep you off your feet and we will remarry someday.” Hahahahaha. No.
He showed up at my home recently, 3 years after divorce and no contact. When I asked why he was there, “it was the only way I could talk to you since you have me blocked everywhere.” Um, why do you think that is????
Honorable mentions go to:
– I was wondering what it would be like if I was single
– You weren’t paying enough attention to me (FW classic, as we all know)
– You didn’t greet me at the door when I got home from work
– I guess you were serious (when he received the final divorce papers from the court)
Hah! I got the “You didn’t greet me at the door” also. Was I supposed to run to the door like the dogs did? Also, I realized months later that he never greeted me. Typical double standards.
Before the OW issued her ultimatum and he moved out, he told me he wanted to buy a duplex so she and I could be “sister wives”. She could be the sex and fun wife, and I could be the handle the finances, cooking, and child-rearing wife.
My ex actually proposed something similar. Ugh. That we could all be one big happy family. OW actually suggested it too, in a letter.
WTF?
How generous of him to make a plan for you. [insert eye roll]
🤪🤣 Said by a delusional fuckwit. Sister wives 🤣🤣🤣
Dear God, that is some serious crazy.
Mine would never admit to cheating. Even when my attorney said a woman was listed on his lease he said “she is just a friend”. My favorite line from
him was when I pleaded with him to come home, he said that it was all my fault because two years prior I threatened to divorce him while at dinner with his father, and his father (also a narcissist), heard me. In other words, two men had documented proof so therefore it is my fault. The funny thing is that I never actually said that. He was gaslighting me. Even if I had said it, it was two years ago and nothing happened in our relationship after that supposed dinner. Ugh
“Mine would never admit to cheating. Even when my attorney said a woman was listed on his lease he said “she is just a friend”
🙄
Same. Mine told my solicitor and the Court that the rat faced whore was “just my lodger”. 😂🙄😂
Ex-Mrs LFTT had her Barrister tell the Court that her AP was not an AP and that there was no relationship between the two of them …. and that “he is just a gentleman friend who takes her out to dinner on occasion.”
Watching her do goldfish impressions when my Barrister produced a screenshot of her public FaceBook profile, which stated that she was in a relationship with the AP, and gave a date which was the same month that she left the kids and I was epic. Even better was when my Barrister went on to say “Now that we’ve established that Mr LFTT’s wife is a liar, I would like to revisit her claim about not cohabitating with her AP.”
They really are idiots.
LFTT
There is a small part of me that regrets I never got to trial, since FW died before our first hearing. It would have been quite entertaining to watch him try and weasel out of all his lies, when I had overwhelming evidence to support every claim I made. And because OW had left him and would have testified against him at that point (previous to that, my attorney and I were planning to depose her, and have her ex husband in the courtroom to disconcert her – she was not a strong person and I think she would have broken and told the truth about when they started their affair).
Oh well. I saved a lot of money by not doing that.
Yep. 😂👏😆
With Twitter teetering on collapse, wouldn’t be a shame if social media disappeared?
Ahh social media, the tool of the FW!
FW used FB messenger to cheat and get her dopamine fix. Now I hear she is tearing it up on IG.
I recently heard a persuasionist suggest that IG is a majority of Narcissists. I am not on it
Bruno,
I don’t think that it would be too great a loss.
That said, that one screenshot probably saved me a lot of money.
LFTT
I too was told a lot, some I actually got right away, others that just left me frozen (my trauma response). Here’s a few classics-
“I’m being trustworthy but you’re not trusting me!” – he really wasn’t. This time I listened to myself and knew something stunk.
“[AP] was physically abused by her ex”- said as his excuse as to why he was fucking her.
“I shouldn’t have to sacrifice for a relationship” – he really means that he shouldn’t have to make the $ or be held accountable, be transparent, be empathetic to me, or everything his therapy told him to do. Nah, he’d rather hoodwink someone dumb (he also said “she’s not smart” so hooray)
I made a list of what he said so I could review it and remember when I felt weak
“I made a list of what he said so I could review it and remember when I felt weak”
Spot on. That’s one of the most helpful things to do, although it hurts like hell writing it all down, it’s invaluable for those weak moments. If you’re anything like me, one tends to forget/minimise, and think, well, maybe that wasn’t so bad, or that maybe some of it was my fault – writing down all their vicious self-serving bullshit is a salutary corrective to second guessing. Hugs xx
Just a few of many gems from a very long list…..”I was in PURGATORY for years”, he hissed. Hmmm….well, you chose to have a 4 year affair with the janitor from your office (now known as Knob Polisher), so actually I was the one in purgatory. Also, a psychobabble favorite…”It was MY job to make you happy, it was YOUR job to LET me make you happy”. Huh? I guess neither of us was doing our jobs then. I felt like I was underwater and struggling to breathe. Years long slow torture. He also sent me an article about “Emotional Immaturity” haha!! I responded: “where in this article does it address the emotional immaturity required to carry on a 4 year double life”?. Silence.
“Knob Polisher”
😂👏👏😂. Good one.
”It was MY job to make you happy, it was YOUR job to LET me make you happy”
Cheater speak for if you weren’t happy it’s your fault, not mine. Wanker.
Knob Polisher!!!!!! Best thing I’ve read all day.
Velvet Hammer: I hope you have alarms and cameras everywhere. He’s escalating his abuse. And some serious (I mean the type where you learn how to kill people) martial arts might be in order for you and your daughter. I’m getting terrible vibes from your post. He might want to hurt (or worse) both of you because he’s not getting his way. Of course, the most effective way to destroy you is to hurt (or worse) your daughter. You might want to bring this up with your therapist. This business with the GPS might be enough for you to demand that even shared custody ends.
I agree with Lulu regarding Velvet. See if you can get protection orders. And some kind of protection devices. My internal alarm bells are screaming
My attorney and the police recommended a restraining order.
I’ve got an awesome pit crew assisting me.
Unfortunately I know from decades ago DV education that no one can stop another person’s decision to be violent. Precautions cannot 100% prevent. But they still must be taken.
I’m sure you must be thinking about this, too, but this new level of asshattery from him makes me wonder having to see him all the time because your business. Maybe I’m getting the logistics wrong? But you have a fair amount of contact with him, yes? I’m not sure how one can proceed to be business partners when you have a restraining order? You maybe have no plans to change your work situation but just know we are rooting for you and want to hear about things as they unfold.
A lot changed when I got a restraining order against my XW.
-she stopped stupid, petty behavior that would land her in jail (not a good look for a First Grade teacher)
-her friends, family and co-workers started discounting her B.S. stories about me.
-My sons saw that this was not a game. Actions have consequences.
I hope the dumb fuck winds up in front of a judge, but you somehow avoid dying of laughter.
“I can love more then one man like the men in the Bible who loved their multiple wives” My XW was a Jesus Cheater
“God forgave me for all that I did. So I didn’t have to tell you about my affairs”
After taking my inheritance and spending it on the bills for having “our” daughter (actually the AP’s) and taking her to Cancun for our 10 year anniversary (while in the middle of an affair). I told her it was theft she said “It wasn’t stealing because it was my money”.
After I called her our for all her lies she said “I have only lied to you about the affair and nothing else”. If her mouth is moving she is lying. I suspect more affairs but she only say they were emotional affairs.
“God forgave me for all that I did”.
Amazing. The bitch knows the mind of God.