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UBT: A Million Dollars to Reconcile

Universal Bullshit Translator
The Universal Bullshit Translator

Dear Chump Lady,

I separated from my partner of 20 years after I found out about his porn and prostitute addiction. The FW wants to reconcile and sent me this email. Please run it through the UBT for me.

“Dear Jan,

I am knocking around in our lovely lonely villa and I am convinced that we should be here together. I do not deny or minimize my behavior that led to our breaking up; instead I feel that I have learned a lot about you and caring for our relationship as a result of these months of conflict, regret, separation, study, and repentance.

Recently when we lay in bed together we talked about forgiveness and you suggested that you would forgive me for $1 million. Do you remember? Were you serious? There are other good reasons to forgive me, but a lot of money is a good reason. Therefore I offer a proposal: I will give you $1 million; in return there are conditions.

You forgive me for cheating on you and for years of “utter disregard.” That means you judge me and value me on my current behavior not my past behavior. You are free to criticize my current behavior so long as the objective is healing our bond, not angry punishment for past behavior.

We agree to live together for at least 1 year, in our house. Of course we can travel and live elsewhere, but we will stay together.

We go into couples counseling, with the goal of making a long-term relationship together.

We have intense, specific, recorded discussions about what we expect from one another in our relationship. We’ve got to get down on questions of respect, consideration, sex, public behavior, core values, priorities, hopes for the future, money… These discussions must become a regular event, no more staying silent when things are not right. In these discussions I will practice what I am learning about validating your ideas and feelings, avoid being defensive and overbearing, try really hard to arrive at harmonious agreements. You will do the same for me. This will be a lot of work — sometimes angry, frustrating, infuriating struggle; but we have a chance for a better relationship than either of us has ever had before!

Together we compose and sign a “pre-nup agreement” (a promise, not a legal document) reflecting our initial expectations, things like housework, sexual fidelity, household expenses, and the agreement to stick together for at least 1 year. We can revise the pre-nup agreement as the discussions and relationship evolves, but it’s a good idea to have it in writing.

This sounds very transactional and not the kind of spontaneous falling back in love that maybe we would prefer, but there’s a lot of water under the bridge and a lot of other things too. We have a deep core of love, attachment, history that will help us go forward, and the incentive of a secure financial future will also help.

If at the end of a year back together and trying our best to make it work it just ain’t working then you keep the $1 million and we go our separate ways. I expect we’ll decide that our partnership is mutually beneficial and we’ll keep practicing reconciliation, friendship and forgiveness.
I love you and want to try…please say yes!”

P.S. He asked how he could make amends and I said, “Jump off a cliff or give me one million dollars.”

Jan

****

Dear Jan,

So, you’d trust a cheater with a hooker habit to give you a million dollars?

He’s playing you for a chump. The giveaway sentence here is:

If at the end of a year back together and trying our best to make it work it just ain’t working then you keep the $1 million and we go our separate ways.

Oh, you get to keep it? Meaning: you don’t get it up front. As in, the bogus check is post-dated. Like, you have to give him another year of your precious life for an IOU. Because he honors his commitments. Snort.

You want to know how deep his sorry is? Ask for the money now. He can transfer an asset to your name. Then he’d have to trust YOU to do the work for the next year. The person who has demonstrated 20 years of trustworthiness. That’s a lot less risk than what he’s asking of you.

But no, he wants you to trust him. Take his word for it! He’ll let you keep the money!

The next giveaway line is:

Together we compose and sign a “pre-nup agreement” (a promise, not a legal document)

Dude, prenups are legal documents. And they have fidelity clauses. Hey, let’s do this over a handshake and stay away from lawful, binding contracts. Double snort.

The larger offensiveness of this letter is that he’s framed it all as a couple’s therapy problem. Joint communication issues!

That’s like if I got fired for stealing from the cash register and then offered my employer another year on the job, if they upped my pay.

He got fired from your life for fucking prostitutes, risking your health, and conducting a double life. This isn’t a relationship problem — it’s a fuckwit problem.

Fortunately, you have the Universal Bullshit Translator to explain.

“Dear J,

I am knocking around in our lovely lonely villa

Lovely, lonely John seeks sugar baby for sexy playtime. Has villa.

Oops sorry, that was my Backpage ad. Meant to say, just knocking around here! All alone! Missing you!

and I am convinced that we should be here together. I do not deny or minimize my behavior that led to our breaking up; instead I feel that I have learned a lot about you and caring for our relationship as a result of these months of conflict, regret, separation, study, and repentance.

I has a sadz.

I do not deny or minimize my behavior — I just don’t name it. Anywhere.

Recently when we lay in bed together

A momentary break while the UBT bitchslaps Jan.

WTF Jan! Why aren’t you no contact with this freak?

we talked about forgiveness and you suggested that you would forgive me for $1 million.

Which I prefer to jumping off a cliff.

A true measure of my repentance would be if I failed a year of reconciliation, I voluntarily fell into an abyss.

Do you remember? Were you serious? There are other good reasons to forgive me, but a lot of money is a good reason.

I buy hookers. Why not you?

Therefore I offer a proposal: I will give you $1 million; in return there are conditions.

I don’t understand how gifts work.

You forgive me for cheating on you and for years of “utter disregard.” That means you judge me and value me on my current behavior not my past behavior. You are free to criticize my current behavior so long as the objective is healing our bond, not angry punishment for past behavior.

I don’t understand how forgiveness works either.

If I detect any anger or perceived punishment — no money for you. Dance pretty!

We agree to live together for at least 1 year, in our house. Of course we can travel and live elsewhere, but we will stay together.

We go into couples counseling, with the goal of making a long-term relationship together.

I don’t consider a 20-year relationship a long-term relationship. But if you need another bogus promise carrot — I’ll give you a million dollars AND I’ll consider marrying you!

#goals

We have intense, specific, recorded discussions about what we expect from one another in our relationship.

Let’s tape it. That’s not creepy.

We’ve got to get down on questions of respect, consideration, sex, public behavior, core values, priorities, hopes for the future, money…

You must walk 10 paces behind me in public out of respect. We’ve got to get down on core values and priorities, like three-ways. Hey, I pledged a million bucks, and recorded your promises!

These discussions must become a regular event, no more staying silent when things are not right.

Note my not-so-subtle blameshifting.

No more staying silent! So long as you’re not angry, or punishing, or bring up the past.

In these discussions I will practice what I am learning about validating your ideas and feelings, avoid being defensive and overbearing, try really hard to arrive at harmonious agreements.

I cut and paste this from a therapy brochure.

You will do the same for me.

Because we both brought issues to the relationship that made me fuck prostitutes.

This will be a lot of work — sometimes angry, frustrating, infuriating struggle; but we have a chance for a better relationship than either of us has ever had before!

Ctrl+C, Ctrl+V

Together we compose and sign a “pre-nup agreement” (a promise, not a legal document)

reflecting our initial expectations, things like housework, sexual fidelity, household expenses, and the agreement to stick together for at least 1 year. We can revise the pre-nup agreement as the discussions and relationship evolves, but it’s a good idea to have it in writing.

Writing is a good idea. Lawyers are not.

This sounds very transactional

…Says the man who’s been hiring hookers for 20 years.

and not the kind of spontaneous falling back in love that maybe we would prefer, but there’s a lot of water under the bridge and a lot of other things too.

Like chlamydia and genital warts.

We have a deep core of love, attachment, history that will help us go forward, and the incentive of a secure financial future will also help.

My promises are an incentive! If you invest now, I will reward you in Confederate war bonds! Haypennies! And 8-track tapes!

If at the end of a year back together and trying our best to make it work it just ain’t working then you keep the $1 million and we go our separate ways.

I would never give you a $1 million. Do you know how many hookers that buys?

I expect we’ll decide that our partnership is mutually beneficial and we’ll keep practicing reconciliation, friendship and forgiveness.

I love you and want to try…please say yes!”

Waste another year on me! Humiliate yourself further! Please say yes!

The UBT thinks Mr. Offer should go fuck himself. #mutuallybeneficial

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • lol so you don’t get the $1,000,000 until he thinks you have humiliated yourself enough

    pro tip: it will never be enough, the is no $1,000,000 and you will NEVER get $1,000,000 but you will waste another year of your life

    run

  • Jan, I have a better idea: Get a divorce lawyer. If he’s offering you a million dollars, that tells me you’ll get a LOT more via split assets handed out by a judge … you’ll get your money within a year or three … and you’ll never have to see this fuckwit again. Much better deal!

    He doesn’t control this. You do. See a lawyer. (Don’t tell him.)

        • This.

          If that option doesn’t exist in your jurisdiction, Jan, cut your losses and go no contact otherwise this guy will waste more of your time.

        • Almost certainly not a common law marriage if the LW lives in the US, but regardless, it is always always worth talking to a lawyer about these things.

          • I think there are 10 states in the US that recognize it. I had to research this to advise my ex-FW in Montana to be careful about the gold-digger he was living with bc he could end up married and unintentionally disinherit his son.

    • Cam, My thoughts exactly.

      I want to know why she gets to work hard on the relationship when it’s he who has the problem. No responsibility…and blame shifting.

  • You’ve been married for twenty years! Why does he think this million dollars isn’t half yours anyway? I’d be willing to bet that, legally, it is.

    You’d be in line for at least half of the million (and possibly a lot more) if you just divorce this nitwit.

        • Back in the late 70s or 80s, there was a Hollywood couple who weren’t married but split up and she sued him for alimony and won. The press at the time called it Palimony (I guess since they were “pals”) but as a teen, I thought it was a real word. The result though was a precident of winning alimony without being married in that jurisdiction.

  • Jan,
    If he were truly serious, he would give you the cash up front with no strings. He just figures you will be lured into a year of pick me dancing for some money? Transactional is how you treat hookers not someone you love. Send him a message back and say something like” Although your idea is interesting, how about going no contact? For zero dollars, we don’t have to see each other, talk, text or anything. I think that really works best for me.”
    Don’t fall for it. He is not worth it and in the end you will give up a year and you will most definitely not get the million dollars. He is a FW and FWs lie.

    • Jan doesn’t need to contact the FW to tell him that she is going no contact.

      Nothing says FUCK YOU like silence.

      • Fuckwits also use any breakup conversation to manipulate you. I knew a sociopath in college who literally argued me back into the friendship/weird pseudo-relationship any time I tried to leave. I literally lost another ten years!

        Finally I wised up and ghosted him. Blocked him everywhere. Never spoke to him again.

        He freaked out and stalked me for a year demanding a response. I never responded.

        Fuckwits know what they did wrong. They know they’ve engaged in deviant behavior. Any communication with them is an opportunity for them to hurt you some more and keep their prey from escaping. Don’t give it to them.

      • I suspect they are in contact because of his statement “Recently when we were in bed…..” That and the email being used to communicate seems to indicate that they are still in touch but yes, no contact is the best way to go. I still suspect she is going to keep the communications open.
        No answer would be optimal. Not getting a response (kibble) really impacts the FWs more than anything.

    • i wouldn’t even waste the time to send a response…i would be seeking legal advice with regard to common law shared assets and what options there are. he did refer to ‘their house’.
      i would be no contact and would not share with anyone about seeking legal advice. here in Canada there are legal rights to shared assets (property equity increases etc) I’d be looking into the options.

  • Boy, oh boy. I could have sent this in—- except for the million dollar offer. The x has expressed interest in “exploring our future” and if no one better comes along in a year (“oh did I say a year? I meant two or three.”) then he’d like to reconcile, but live as roommates. The prostitute loving, marriage destroyer (not just ours, but an underling co-worker, whose husband served with divorce papers when he found out. The co-worker thought X would marry her. She’s pick me dancing right now.)

    X is telling our children how much he misses our family but uh not enough to do (pay, provide for, care about) much beyond lip service.

    The hoops X’s think we’ll beg to jump through..

    • Wow. What a load of entitled crap! And playing with the kids’ emotions is especially gross. Who does he think he is?

      Run!

    • Hoops! So right.

      That is what the seemingly innocuous “lets be friends” is about. Oh don’t worry, we can be friends and if you need any help I will help you; and maybe get a freebie once in a while” After all it is going to be tougher to fool whore, because she knows where the whores hang out. (It didn’t stop him, but she did catch him).

      Yeah, no thanks.

  • “I buy hookers. Why not you?”

    Yep. That’s all this is. This is how he deals with women–one big transaction with him doling out the cash in exchange for 100% subservience. Don’t fall for it.

    Also, the creep is strong in this one! Recorded convos? You know those would be used against you. Ugh. Stay away from this guy. So many 🚩🚩🚩!

    • Yes, no lawyers for the pre-nup, but recorded conversations throughout the year that he can use against her when she inevitably can’t meet his requirements, he refuses her the money, and she tries to extract it through legal means.

      Not that I think his proposal a good idea in any circumstances, but I notice there are no actual behavioral or other benchmarks by which to measure any success, failure, or progress, which means just as he’s trying to dictate terms here in this letter, he’ll be the one dictating her “success” later!

  • I loved the “ Together we compose and sign a “pre-nup agreement” (a promise, not a legal document)”. As an attorney I can’t express how little sense that sentence make. I literally spat coffee out as I read that sentence.
    That being said they may not be married but 20 years is more than enough in most common law states in the US. She should take him to the cleaners, and send him a $1 (post settlement) to never talk, see, or even think about her again.

    • Yeah, I’m a lawyer too. There’s a million dollars floating around? It’s gonna hafta be a legal document. I had a lot of comments on the terms of the contract, but it sounds like Jan already saw through the BS.

    • There are a tiny number of states in the US that allow common law marriage anymore, and even in those you have to hold yourself out as a married couple, among other things. I’d be more concerned about their assets being intertwined without her having the protection of a marriage at all.

      But yes, sign me up for today’s “attorneys who shouldn’t have had coffee while reading this drivel” club. A pre-nup that isn’t a legal agreement and, uh, isn’t a “pre” anything because they’re not getting married at all? You just know that #1 on that “pre-nup” is going to be him dictating how often he’s entitled to sex.

    • They may not be US citizens…I know a lot of people with vacation homes, cottages, lake or beach houses, but never heard of anyone calling their place a “villa”.

  • Ouch. Not that big, but my ex promised the house and lifestyle of my dreams if we reconciled. We could live anywhere I wanted but here. Of course, here was where there were people who knew the truth and the location of my support system. Our kids were in college here, but he said at one point that they could quit college so we could all be together. Really?

    Not a postnup, but we were to do a big weekend eval to look at everything and work out a plan going forward. I refused. If I had asked for a postnup, I knew from previous behavior that it would have cost tens of thousands and taken a year or more to negotiate. He bugged me for some months, and then he got his attorney lined up and called to say that he wanted a divorce. I had to agree that it was over. It was a mess. Both attorneys were disgusted by how controlling and disordered he was. His attorney actually went turncoat at times because he respected and liked mine.

    During closeout, my ex was resisting one aspect, and a retirement expert we hired recommended a back door where we could get the current valuation of certain accounts without my ex knowing. Oh, my…he had been spending like crazy. She also ran a credit check, and he had a lot of credit card debt that wasn’t there when we split. I don’t know how he thought we’d finance a dream lifestyle at that point.

    But yes, the OP’s “boy” is throwing spaghetti to see what sticks. Let him go…

  • I can’t help but think there’s some nefarious impression management behind this offer that he needs to make a financial deal. It makes absolutely no sense otherwise. (Not that fuckwits ever do make sense.)

    • My thought exactly, Adelante. My guess is that he’s a player. And for whatever reasons, she makes him look legit. A good reputation for a player is golden for “operational strategies”.
      (Hot chicks dig guys who are stable and taken, other men envy him, in his mind anyway. ) Normally, a good reputation is something you earn, not buy. Since he buys whatever he wants, whenever he wants and whomever he wants, why change a good working strategy ?

    • It makes sense because it’s not a financial “deal”, anymore than three card monte is a game of skill. In what he no doubt thinks is a brilliant plan, his “pre-nup” lulls the OP into staying with him while signing up for a whole bunch of nebulous “obligations”, and when he cheats again, he’ll indignantly point out that she “broke” their pre-nup.

  • Long layoff for the song parody machine, but today seemed like a good excuse to rev it up

    (music by Barenaked Ladies, lyrics by Jan’s Fuckwit)

    If you had a million dollars (If you had a million dollars)
    Well I’d go underground
    I would go underground

    And if you had a million dollars (If you had a million dollars)
    We’d go to counseling way downtown
    Maybe a nice RIC-recommended guy

    And if you had a million dollars (If you had a million dollars)
    Well we’d both sign a “prenup”
    A nice pledge without legality
    And if you had a million dollars, you’d forgive me . . .

    If you had a million dollars
    You’d never comment on the past
    If you had a million dollars
    I’d have everything I want at last
    If you had a million dollars
    Maybe we could put some little tiny provisions in there
    We could insist on you not criticizing me
    Or judging me and stuff
    And you wouldn’t actually get the money right off
    I reserve the right to withhold it all
    Because it’s all conditional
    And depends on how I feel that day
    Or whether there’s pussy in the area
    Yeah . . .

  • No one in the known or unknown universe has enough money to pay me to stay with a TLC (Traitor Thief Liar Cheater Criminal).

    The only relationship he is qualified to be in is one where he pays someone by the hour.

    There is a billboard just south of San Francisco advertising a dating app exclusively for high net worth individuals.
    Blecch. This letter is one reason why I would never consider it, even if I met whatever their criteria is.

    When I worked as a housekeeper, I ran into morons and jerks with lots of money all too often. I’ll take character over coin any day of the week. What is most valuable in this world, things like integrity, loyalty, and genuine kindness, is beyond purchase and priceless beyond measure. I think a divorce and a lot more money would be my Let’s Make A Deal offer, with no pledge of forgiveness.

    In other news, it looks like Traitor Ex may have stolen the rewards points I accumulated with my business credit card and used them for vacay plane tickets for himself and the Craigslist cockroach. Off to email the attorney now.

    I envy chumps that have no ties to their TLC’s.

    • Yup. I decided that living in a basement with the dog and the two college kids was better than reconciling. I was working but making poverty wages. I didn’t want the kids to quit college although they offered. Friends offered to rent to us. I had some resources to fall back on, but not long-term. We got it figured out though.

      I thank God every day that I got out with no custody issues and no ties. My closeout attorney noted when we closed the file, “This type likes to reappear; I’m here if you need me.” So far, so good.

  • I’m still stuck on bitchslapping Jan for the “pillow talk”!
    I’m sorry but what the fuck were you doing in bed with him?

    We’re you hoping for an STD? You’d be getting that way faster than cold cash.
    And do you really think the cash would be worth wasting another year with someone who has ZERO concern for your health and well-being?

    20 years with a schmuck is enough wasted time. Don’t give this clown another 5 seconds of your time! The 5 seconds you could use on figuring out how you got to this place and how to get to No Contact.

    Please evaluate the part of you that landed you here asking your question. It’s sad that you seem to be considering his offer, that you even presented it to him in the first place and that you don’t seem to know where to begin to start an authentic life.

    I wish you good luck and hope you can go forward into a new life for yourself.

    • Yes, and what’s with twenty years together without being married? Was this a complete shock?! Sounds like OP has some issues of her own.

      • hmmmm… would have to chime in that marriage in the legal sense is not for everybody, not desired or required, and has nothing to do with whether someone is cheated on. you can be married for 50 years legally (as seen here in CN) and not have any protection against FWs. If you have shared assets and children the legalities of marriage are not as immediate for some. x

  • I don’t think narcissist think we are people. We are more like comfy, old jeans. If after a little effort, they can’t find those old comfy jeans? They simply buy another pair. It’s why caring people, have such a hard time understanding their behavior.

  • He’s a controller, master manipulator, fantasy seeker, has low impulse control, weak character, knows nothing of love, and is very bold in his pursuit of objects that meet HIS needs.

    Oh, and a few bucks…

    The writing is on the wall. The writing isn’t in hyroglyphics…it’s spelled out for you.

    Where is the real value? Is it in the money or in the person? Your choice. Choose wisely.

  • RUN!!!!!!!!🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
    He’s asking you to be his high priced whore for a year and to take equal credit for the problems with your relationship to boot.
    Getting STD’s, invalidation, being used and devalued, emotional and psychological abuse, selling your soul to a FW for a million dollars, none of it is worth giving up your self worth and your very essence of humanness for.
    You are not for sale! He is an out of this universe controlling, manipulative, entitled A-hole of the greatest magnitude, who has very real potential to destroy you.
    Think of him as the Grim Reaper coming for your soul, who will flippantly throw a million dollars in your pocket just before he takes it.
    No f-ing way you take that deal!👎

  • “We’ve got to get down on questions of respect, consideration, sex, public behavior, core values, priorities, hopes for the future, money”

    I love how sex came before core values. Also, we all know he *really* wanted to put sex first, but patted himself on the back for listing it third.

    “reflecting our initial expectations, things like housework, sexual fidelity, household expenses”

    Oops! He wasn’t as careful with this list. He needs help with the housework first and foremost!

    Jan, come back! Please **ck me and do my dishes! I’ll give you a million dollars! You’ll be the most expensive person I’ve purchased for my own selfish needs to date!

    • I rolled my eyes so hard I think they’re stuck somewhere in my cranium at that “initial expectations, things like … sexual fidelity” as if maybe there was some ambiguity about whether “sexual fidelity” is normally part of that whole marriage-vow nonsense. My husband was really confused by that one, too, apparently.

    • Also this:
      “I do not deny or minimize my behavior that led to our breaking up; instead I feel that I have learned a lot about you and caring for our relationship…”
      I’ve learned that you DON’T want your partner to see prostitutes. I didn’t know that about you before! I’ve also learned that constant porn is NOT the best way to care for our relationship. This is new information!

  • Oh Jan. Thankfully you have come to the right experts!

    My FW was also into prostitutes, apparently for the entire duration of the marriage (24 years) plus the eight years we’d dated exclusively and lived together before that.

    The person I ultimately divorced barely resembled the person I thought I’d married, and at least in part I think that once you spend that much time consumed with the world of transactional sex, all human relationships become transactional to you. He never dangled a million dollars in front of me in the hopes of getting me to play the pick-me dance for a year (like yours is doing), but I can assure you the money, to him, is going to be worth far more than the relationship. Even if you were dumb enough to take the bait (and it sure looks like you’re smarter than that), you would never end up with the money.

    He knows very well: all prostitutes get the money up front. If you’re not getting the money up front, no deal. That’s the universe my husband lived in, and that’s the universe your husband lives in.

  • Hubris is as close as I can get to describe this man but it does not even come close. Does anyone know a foreign word that does?

  • “You forgive me for cheating on you and for years of “utter disregard.” –Why the quotation marks? Next up: You accuse me of “cheating” and “lying.”

    “That means you judge me and value me on my current behavior not my past behavior.” –IOW, don’t be human. Erase your memory.

    “You are free to criticize my current behavior so long as the objective is healing our bond, not angry punishment for past behavior.”–Oh to be judged by a self-appointed, cheater demigod who doesn’t own and accept the natural consequences of his cheating behavior but instead describes all of it as “angry punishment.”

    • “You are free to criticize my current behavior so long as the objective is healing our bond, not angry punishment for past behavior.” This is the statement that got me the most.

      The superior, I’m-in-charge, I-set-the-rules-that-you-inferior-peon-must-follow attitude here is classic. Entitled narcissism at its finest. Who do you think will be in charge of deciding whether your pick-me dancing was enough for him at the end of the year (hint: it won’t be you, and it WON’T be enough).

      As others have advised, please run very far and very fast, and work on fixing your picker so that you are not susceptible to being on the losing end of similar power dynamics in the future.

  • How do you put out of your mind that your partner used prostitutes? Why kind of mental gymnastics are involved? You would have to mind-f**k yourself to live this way. I’ve tried and it’s impossible. There is never a moment that I’m not aware of what FW did – and I’m sure I don’t know the half of it. It colors everything. 39 years together.

    Who cares if he’s “repented and found God” – his words – and never again “purchases human flesh to f**k?” Thanks CL for characterizing use of prostitutes that way.

    Reconciliation is impossible. I will never be able to “unknow” what a freak he allowed himself to be. Cue violins for his FOO issues.

    Looking forward to the day he is 100% out of my life.

  • dear jan, he’s asking you to be a fembot. Erase memories, adjust your behaviour to suit him, act as he commands. he’s going to demand all kinds of things under the guise of “don’t judge me” and “i’m sad, make me feel better.”

    he’s trying to CONTROL YOU.

    #notafembot

  • I have 2 conflicting things to express:

    When my Cheater was alive, there was no pile of money that he might have offered, but with his unexpected death, there was.

    (Full disclosure for newbies: I did not wish nor facilitate his death nor do I advocate such in any form. I dare not even joke of such. )

    So, in trying to find logic where there was none, one day I asked myself if what I suffered was “worth it” in any way and the answer was “Hell no…and I was never for sale”.

    I was a very loyal and true wife loyal beyond the pale of money … decent and loving in a way that cannot be bought. I hope in the Great Beyond he has come to understand the gift he was given when God gave him me.

    • I have enjoyed reading your posts, Unicornomore. But, you are incredibly optimistic to think your FW is not currently residing somewhere “toasty” with no time remaining to regret or make amends for his lousy choices.

      • I hear you and I have gotten that from others, but I genuinely believe in Purgatory and I really believe he is there. I think there might have been times when Hell would have been easier for him because in Purgatory, there is accountability (I think not one bothers with that in Hell).

        Soon after he died, I tried to say a prayer of forgiveness for him and I sensed a response …something to “you may want to hold off on that for a bit” …then I started to find stuff in the house

        I dont blame anyone for having the opinion you expressed, but yea, in this Im a an optimist. Mind you it would require “Creator of the Universe” level persistence to deal with a whole room full of blame shifting narcs, but if God can create a thousand suns, he can straighten out a Cheater if the Cheater died without mortal sin on his soul.

  • I’d be tempted to reply with some version of:

    “In the past you have betrayed me, so I do not trust the agreement you are offering. In the past, I have been honest with you, so I think the trust in any future agreement must come from you, not me. Consequently, if you would like to give me a million dollars with no strings attached, I am willing to give our relationship another chance. Once you have gifted me the funds, I will endeavor to evaluate you on your current behavior, not your past behavior. That is all I will promise. I will not promise how long I’ll try, where I will live, or what conversations I will engage in with you. All of that will be a matter of day to day decisions that I make entirely on my own. If you are interested, let me know, and my lawyer will contact you about transfering the million dollars to me. I am not interested in further negotiations, so if this response doesn’t appeal to you, don’t bother contacting me again.”

    If he jumps at this, maybe it is worth it. She isn’t committing to much. I don’t think he will, and then she can move forward with confidence that he lacked genuine repentance and the offer was a set up.

    (I also fully believe it is a set-up. He has no intention of parting with a million dollars, hence the description of the agreement as not legally binding and the request to tape conversations where he will undoubtedly say things like, “You know the million dollar offer only stands if we both agree the conditions were met.”)

  • I didn’t think from her letter that she was seriously contemplating it or actually offering anything for $1M. The cliff/$1M is, to me, not literal. I think she was just sending in the crazy letter for the UBT.

    And it is CRAZY.

  • Reframe this and look at it as a business deal. You have an opportunity to get something for your pain and suffering. I am assuming you are not married. If not see if you qualify as a common law wife. You can get money in a divorce. If he is willing to offer 1 million then that tells me there is plenty more to go after. If you are ineligible for divorce then take the Million up front, do your time, and walk away with the money as a consolation prize.
    Being a chump and sole provider to the household it is a double shit sandwich to pay your FW for cheating on you. Get anything you can from the FW

    • They’re not married and it appears he will hold onto the money for a year and the chump has to jump through hoops to earn the mill. If it doesn’t work out poster gets the money but she has to meet and abide by all his stipulations. The thing is he’s not exactly a man of his word so he’ll use some lame reason to stiff the poster. The million dollars is just a ruse to keep the chump until he lines up someone else. He’s not serious and has no intention of giving her a dime.

  • Wow. FW lost me at (and I’m paraphrasing here) “I cheated on you, but I’M making ALL the rules for our one-year reconciliation experiment.”

  • I’d be inclined to respond like this:

    I’m worth so much more than a million dollars. But you’ll never understand.

    Goodbye

  • You know what I hear? That he has one million dollars in assets that you should seek via your attorney. Despite not being married, you two were yoked in many other legal ways. That villa, for example.

    And don’t have sex with him again. In fact, all communication is to go through your attorney. Is palimony a viable option?

  • I am flabbergasted to read in some US states the person would have no standing to make a claim against the FW for a property settlement. In Australia, you are eligible for property settlement under Family Law Act if in defacto relationship for more than 2 years, or a child together, or if relationship is registered, or if you have made significant contributions. You have to make a claim within 2 years of separation.
    On a side note, the “it’s a promise not a legal document” screams narc “I make the rules, the law doesnt apply” to me.
    My FW claims being a director and partner is “only on paper” and doesnt mean he has any real interest in the business or assets. His lawyers are scrambling to come up with a reason a book debt owed to me is “only on paper”.
    BTW we are both lawyers, and I have an experienced lawyer, but he still believes the law doesnt apply, or he can just make shit up and I will believe it. Worked for 25 years I guess.

    • I love when they find out they aren’t going to orchestrate the outcome anymore.

      My FW wanted me to file, and I wanted him to file. So I called him and said you wanted this divorce you file. Don’t force me to file for something I didn’t want. He hemmed and hawed, “oh I don’t want to hurt you” shit, (like he really cared) but I just said the sooner you do it the sooner it is over.

      I don’t think he even considered that the moment he filed he lost all control of me, and the law would kick in. He even called me and threatened what he would do if I didn’t go along. I just said: “knock your self out big boy, good bye”. He did call back in about 20 minutes and apologized. I am guessing even his sad sack lawyer said dude, you just threatened her.

      I knew I wouldn’t get much because he had us pretty much covered in debt, not too much for him to pay off; but I couldn’t pay it off. I just wanted to get away with him assuming all the debt and I did.

      I also got a tiny apartment sized house that was the only asset we had that was paid for. (that bought me out of his retirement) and paid back some though not all of the funds he had spend on entertaining his dick.

      • SL I just received an amusing text from FW – he said something like I’m so sad and devastated to have to do this but can you please following the link to divorce application, fill your bit out, and can you also pay half the fees. Well the other thing is in Australia once you are granted a divorce, time limits kick in and I would not be able to claim any of his numerous assets as being part of the marital asset pool. He must know that, he advised clients of that. But he is so deluded he thinks I dont know, despite also providing clients with that advice. They are so effing dumb it is unbelievable.

  • Oh Chumplady, thank you for this piece of razzle dazzle. I cannot express how much I needed this today. It is perfect!

  • Interesting read. I also discovered a hooker and porn habbit of my partner of twenty years. Unfortunately he is not rich, but he makes good money. As a post-nup I demanded the house (still under mortgage, but worth twice as much now – 700000 dollars) and monthly alimony of 2600 dollars. I penned the parental agreements for our three young children. And colour me surprised, but he agreed to everything. We are now divorced and still live together in what is now my house, and sometimes I even think he really might be trustworthy as he gave me all I asked for. He wants to reconcile and sometimes I am inclined to try so, I still love him despite it all. Unicorn?

    • My impression is that if he still has a house to live in for free, of course he wants to reconcile / get his investment back. Is he still paying the mortgage now that it’s in your name?

      I’m not sure if what you describe is a post-nup or the divorce agreement. Post-nup is an agreement meant to keep people together. If you have one, and you divorced, doesn’t that mean he effed up again?

      Keep reading here, Rosie. A hooker habit isn’t something that just disappears. And your peace of mind is worth so much. It’s no good that you’ve gone through the whole process of divorce and he’s still right there, messing with your heart. As a woman with a house of my own, I’m now the target of many an economically challenged man’s attentions. Don’t underestimate what someone will do (i.e. pretend to care about a woman or man) in order to get cheap housing.

      • No, it is not a post-nup, you are right. I wanted a divorce on my terms and I got one, and now I am like… well, maybe he really does want the best for me from now on. The paperwork is just finalised and the house will be officially mine next friday. He still lives with me because money is tight now and houses are sparse. The plan is he will move out next year. The children dont know we are officially divorced now and life looks just like it did before from the outside. I felt I had no other choice than this slow transition to seperation as I was 38 weeks pregnant when I discovered and lived in shellshocked trauma for half a year. Now I am back on my feet (Thanks to the settlement, the baby, therapy and my friends and work), and I feel like I can breathe again. I can do this. But I do realise he will use this time to worm himself back in my life.

    • Rosie,

      Why is he still living in YOUR house ? I’ve got news for you-he’s hiding his hooker and porn habit. Are you doing his laundry for him ? Scrubbing the toilet bowl and the surround after he uses it. Please have some self-respect to model to your children.

      • Main reason is a lack of houses. For the kids I want him to have a nice house close to mine as they will spend time there. Hé cooks our meals, pays for groceries and bills. I am not his servant, more so reverse. Whoah of course is not healthy either. I oversee all his finances, so I dont think he van sustainability his hooker habit. Hé still lies about little things though, its pathological it seems.

    • Throwing money at you does not mean he’s changed, Rosie. Quite the opposite actually. It means since he buys women, he thinks he can buy you, too, and it seems to be working, since you let him stay. Don’t be treated like a commodity. Kick him to the curb.

      My cheater was generous as well. He agreed to my terms readily. It didn’t mean anything beyond him trying to look like a good guy. He is still as big an asshole as ever.

    • Real talk: He cheated and you’re divorced. It’s over. I’m so sorry.

      Please get this freeloader out of your house. You and your children deserve the peace, and they need to learn healthy boundaries.

      • Ouch! I know, sometimes I can live not feeling the pain by juist living like we always did. This is a weird way to seperate, but it is the best we can do now.

    • He still has free run of YOUR home and the kids are getting mixed messages. Don’t reconcile with a cheater. Don’t rehire a cheater! You can’t be a cheater without being a LIAR.

      He needs to get out. Rest assured he is gathering information he can use to continue his hooker habit. I would run a credit check on the children. He’s their parent and I wouldn’t put it past him to use their social security numbers to pad his lifestyle and ruin their futures.

  • Yes, we know he’d back out if she demanded money upfront. As CL says, this would be an excellent way to test a cheater. This FW thinks he could use that year to reel her her in emotionally so she’d agree to forget about the money. Besides, if they were together 20 years and he’s rich enough to casually offer to throw a million bucks at her, she can probably get that much in the divorce anyway.

    I tested my FW with a post-nup offer. He said he’d agree to give me 65% of assets if he cheated, but I wanted 75% if he either cheated or was abusive, so he backed out. I was never serious, I just wanted to see what he’d do. He acted as I predicted he would. He tried to claim it didn’t mean he was going to cheat or be abusive. He claimed he couldn’t trust me not to define abusive in a self-serving way just to get the money. He’s the cheater and the liar, but he supposedly didn’t trust me. Smh. These people live in an alternate reality.

    • I’ve just realized they are not married. 20 years together should automatically be a common law marriage. If it isn’t where she lives, that’s fucked up and it needs to change.

    • I have lived the same thing. I am apparently the one who could not be trusted because I had snooped and found out about his affairs. How dare I violate klootzak’s privacy? Pay no attention to his years of lying and cheating. The real problem was my snooping.

  • Thanks Tracy and All, yeah the whole tone of the proposal felt off to me besides the transactional nature. You hit the nail on the head when you pointed out he was making it a relationship issue and blame shifting. I deserve the bitch slap tbh, I’m an on again off again Chump. I might call his bluff and ask for the money upfront though, that’s a good idea.

    • Or you could stop engaging with this disgusting FW, and get to a good therapist to figure out why your standards are so low.

    • Your time’s better spent untangling your life together – getting out, getting your own place (if you haven’t already), rebuilding, probably therapy. Focus on you, not the idiot. He’s stolen enough of your time.

    • “I might call his bluff and ask for the money upfront though, that’s a good idea.”

      Really ? I think it’s a horrendously *bad* idea.

      This cretin demonstrated for 20 years he held you in nothing but contempt. And now he’s demonstrating that contempt even further by dangling a 1 million dollar carrot in front of your nose, and confidently expecting you to snap at it. And he’s not far wrong, is he ? After all, you’ve demonstrated how little self-respect you have by sleeping with him *after* you knew he used prostitutes.

      Get yourself checked out for STD’s right now, and *stop sleeping with this fucker*. There is nothing for you here.

      Go *no contact*. Also, see a lawyer. I know you’re not married, but in most countries, a 20 year relationship results in some financial obligations. Find out. Incidentally, this may be why this shithead has come up with this bizarre suggestion – he may have been advised you are entitled to something, and is trying to preemptively circumvent you. See a lawyer, and *don’t tell him*.

      And last, but not least, do some seriously deep thinking as to why you have so little respect for yourself you would risk your health/life by having sex with a man you know uses prostitutes, and who *knows you know*. To him, you’re a mark. Don’t be his mark.

  • Maybe this is much too big of a reaction, but my reflexive instant response upon reading this was “At the end, if she tries to leave with the money, he will try to kill her, both to keep the money and to ‘win’.”

    I guess I just don’t see an abusive objectifier who loves centrality suddenly becoming willing to be accountable to the tune of a cool million. It doesn’t ring true in the light of what we know thus far.

    Nobody hires prostitutes because they think the prostitutes have high human value and should be held im high regard. Such patronage is objectifying and one-sided by design (for at least one of the parties, sometimes both). I just don’t believe that guy really means this offer in an altruistic way.

  • Holy shitsnacks, Batman. I laughed so hard at each line (except I’m giving OP the wonk eye for lying in bed with him recently – hope you got some antibiotics!) and then reread it all. Indecent Proposal Part II! Notice the not so subtle suggestion that she will not have a secure financial future if she totally dumps his ass now!

    Oh he can’t handle a post-nup? No lawyers? F you, bub. Chump’s boots are made for walkin’.

  • “We have a deep core of love”

    Uhhhh….bahahahahah!

    Yeah, no. Deep as a mirage.

    Dude is glib AF. This is a game to him. He uses people to cope and to exert control. He is creepy and manipulative.

  • Jan, this is one of the most absurd UBT FW letters I’ve seen, and that is saying something! Hugs, and Godspeed (away from him!).

    I never married my ex-partner of 15 years. After dday, I bought the BS promises — having kids, my name finally on the deed, I’d get to make all design choices for the house we were building, more equality and reciprocity, better communication — he offered up while begging me to return and give him a chance to prove his love. It seemed like a risk worth taking at the time because otherwise, I was sure to lose nearly everything I cared about. I lost everything, anyway, and I barely survived the ordeal. FW did not follow through on a single promise and was worse than ever. Being promised the world after being so low, only to have it snatched away — that broke me.

    Regardless of your common law marriage standing, my guess is that you’ll be better off cutting your losses and cutting contact. I fought for a fraction of what I deserved from FW, really just out of principle because it was all so fucking unfair and I needed to feel like I was standing up for myself. Unfortunately, he still held all the power and assets, and he is an unethical, dishonest, entitled asshole. I found myself right back in the same familiar position of begging for scraps while FW condescendingly enjoyed withholding every single thing I asked for, including compassion and decency towards me. They suck. It drive me crazy — quite literally — until I eventually accepted I needed to give up on any sort of amends or closure, eat the shit sandwich and go NC in order to GAL.

    • Friday Challenge idea: What promises did the cheating FW in your life make — and (inevitably) break? And, if you took the bait, what did it cost you?

  • CL and UBT chomped right into this entitled creeps ass! He will do anything to reel Jan back in for another round of abuse and humiliation…and still wants to remain in control of every condition! UBT unraveled the real motives here as usual. UBT deserves an achievement award and a few squirts of WD40 for this one! Jan should send him back the UBT’s response.

  • Back in the day, Mike Tyson would end fights (boxing) in seconds with a knockout punch. And people would inevitably ask the question “would you let Mike Tyson punch you one time for a million dollars?” And so many people would answer YES. But let’s be real… for a million dollars, you’d be willing to let your head get bashed in? You could literally DIE or end up with brain damage or enough issues that you’d use up the money in medical bills.

    No amount of money is worth risking your life. Also, you are not a prostitute — so why would you negotiate YOURSELF for cash?

  • Wow thats rich. Does he have a million dollars? How much will you get in the divorce? If its similar I would forget it. You would have to ask a divorce lawyer, because if its considered a marital asset after 1 year and breaking up you may not be entitled to it. Perhaps if your lawyer could write up an iron clad agreement that you keep it because its a gift. Im not a lawyer. How good of an actress are you? How much money is your sanity worth? Just things to consider. This is a good ethical exercise to ponder. Im not sure I could do it, even for a year with a guaranteed million.

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