Where Are You Now?

best lifeHi Chump Lady,

Someone mentioned the other day that it would be encouraging to run a “Where are they now?” Friday Challenge to give us newbies some hope and maybe a recovery or projected timeline to “meh”. New Year’s seems like a good time to do this.

Previous posters could reference the date you published their original letter so we could go back and reread it. You published my letter July 6, 2022 (Husband Uses Massage Parlors).

Thanks again for all you do.

Jesus Cheater’s Chump

****

Dear Jesus Cheater’s Chump,

So where are YOU now? Away from the creep and working on that freak-free life, I hope. Fill us in!

CN has asked for a Where Are They Now post before and I usually demure because of the logistics. Foremost, people gain lives and don’t need this place any longer. So I don’t know if they still read here. As per reaching out — I’ve answered thousands of letters. And even if I were organized (I am not), people often don’t write to me from their usual emails.

But you know, what the hell. Let’s put a call out there — if I ever answered your letter — can you let us know how you’re doing? Put down that umbrella drink on the sunny shores of paradise, tell your gorgeous new partner you have a pressing errand, and give us an update in the comments.

For the rest of CN, who didn’t send me letters, or (sorry!) I didn’t reply, or you get what you need lurking — let’s do a Tell Me How You’re Mighty check in.

And remember — all forms of mightiness count. If it’s early days, we’re grading you on a curve. Oh heck, we’re not grading you at all. We’re cheering from the sidelines.

So, lay it on me — WHERE ARE YOU NOW?

Happy New Year, CN!

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Laura
Laura
1 year ago

This year was the first Christmas in such a long time that I wasn’t depressed thinking about what should be. I was also able to take my adult sons and spend it with my sister’s and that helped tremendously. We had a great time. We always had to spend Christmas with his family. Even the year my mum died. I have gotten the last laugh though. Prince Charming and Cinderella went to New Orleans for Christmas. It must be very tense with the family after what he did. Personally, I would rather spend the time laughing with my sisters and nephew then visiting New Orleans. I am still basking in the after glow.

Anarchyintheukok
Anarchyintheukok
1 year ago
Reply to  Laura

Way to go Laura, you are mighty!

MichelleShocked
MichelleShocked
1 year ago

DDAY was 2015. I got divorced one year later. FW free for 7 and a half years.

Here’s how I’m mighty… I live my life how I choose now. No more dragging dead weight. No more being bored and wondering how I got stuck with a sexless partner. If I want to take vacation with my kid, I go. If I want to buy something, I buy it.

I have a boyfriend and we’ve been together for 6 years. Things are imperfect but still pretty great overall. I don’t want to remarry. I want to keep my financial independence and feel safe. And we’re on the same page — he is a Chump too.

But what makes me feel most mighty? Being there for my son. He’s growing up. From being a traumatized 9 year old to nearly 17… I’m proud that I’ve been a sane parent. I believe he feels safe and loved. And I do too.

Happy New Year, friends. I hope everyone finds their peace and happiness in 2023

Anarchyintheukok
Anarchyintheukok
1 year ago

Love your story Michelle

I’m glad your son is doing well too. My son was nine at D Day and I worry. He’s awaiting counselling

Here’s to being the sane parent

Jesus Cheater’s Chump
Jesus Cheater’s Chump
1 year ago

Thank you for choosing my Friday challenge, Tracy.

I am separated from FW and working on getting divorced. My 14 year old special needs daughter occupies my days. She requires 24 hour supervision. I have family nearby to help, so I can get a break now and then.

It’s so much easier to breathe with just the two of us in the house. Contact with FW is minimal, and that works for me.

I was surprised how easy it was to remove FW from my life. At D-Day, we had been together 38 years. When I discovered he was using prostitutes in massage parlors, it’s like a switch flipped inside me, and he ceased to exist.

Thank you, Chump Nation. Happy New Year!

2xchump🚫again
2xchump🚫again
1 year ago

That light switch went off in my heart and in my body within 10 days of d-day. Once I escaped the house and got some safety I realized how sad a sausage he was. I am living alone no divorce as yet until hopefully this spring but I have never been happier without a man in my life. I get to sleep by myself in my little twin bed and I’m as cozy as a bug in a rug. I don’t want any man in my life but I have plenty of beautiful women and I thank God for each of them.

Chumpita
Chumpita
1 year ago

Awesome for you! I also experienced the flip switch. At the last discovery – Instagram messages planning a hookup, I was also done. Mine had also used sex workers and massages in Asia on work trips. Also dating apps while gone, I’m sure.

Anyway the first year free I maybe overdid it as I felt I had so much energy freed up! I’ve had to have some recovery time to rebalance I think. But the emotional freedom from chumphood is still wonderful.

MollyWobbles
MollyWobbles
1 year ago

So happy to hear you are breaking free from him! Though I have no proof, I’m pretty sure my cheater went to massage parlors too. (I only have proof of dozens of trips to strip clubs and several affairs so that’s proof enough) Enjoy your new life with your daughter FW free!

Dr.d
Dr.d
1 year ago

Thanks for the updates – it’s so heartwarming to hear about how you’re rocking your life fuckwit free!!

Rebecca
Rebecca
1 year ago

To be clear, I never wrote or had a letter answered but I’ve been with CL since very early days. I used to help Tempest moderate the forum (seems like a million years ago) that went on to become a Facebook group and a Reddit group. I had the extraordinarily luck to meet up with CL in real life when her first book was published.
In other words, I’ve been here a LONG time!!! Why I stay comes later.

I successfully navigated a horrendous legal battle, 2 lawyers and several years, learned how to dig and organize, got a job after many years out of the workforce, was a super-mom while my kids healed, fought through 2 psychiatric hospitalizations, went public with my mental health issues, became mentally and physically strong, planned a wedding, special occasions and welcomed grandkids, lost parents, moved 6 times (story for another time), got an adorable dog, learned to travel the world alone, dated and decided to stop dating and kept the most amazing group of friends ever while making a ton more!

I am a survivor! My walls sing, I dance when I’m alone, I learned to really feel joy, I love to laugh and am a happy person 99% of the time.

I’ve learned that the pain of being chumped is part of my core now. It surfaces sometimes and I have learned to ride the wave of all my feelings until it subsides again. DBT, EMDR, mediation, and therapy were all part of my arsenal.

So why am I still here?

Many of us stay and just read. I have Chump Nation friends who need to read every day to keep them going. Like a daily affirmation. Some of these folks are remarried and have whole new lives but they real CL every day.

I experienced so much and learned so much about me, my kids, my friends, family who deserted me that I feel I should pay that knowledge forward.

I learned so much and was lucky enough to have THE most amazing divorce team as my second legal team that it would be a shame not to share all that information. To be able to give my perspective on what a “no fault state” really means when you’re divorcing a cheater is priceless.

Is being here still part of my journey? I’m not sure. But I am a giver like so many other chumps and feel that if I can help one chump along the way, then my life will have even more meaning.

Gary
Gary
1 year ago
Reply to  Rebecca

What a beautiful person you are , you have overcome the most horrible times in a persons life . You have raised my spirit go girl you are an inspiration.

Chumpita
Chumpita
1 year ago
Reply to  Rebecca

Rebecca, can you say more about “what a no fault state means when you’re divorcing a cheater”? I mean, I know that basically it means the cheating is not taken into consideration in any of the divorce proceedings… anything else?

CRHCHK
CRHCHK
1 year ago
Reply to  Rebecca

Beautiful Rebecca!
I comment infrequently nowadays, but I still love reading ChumpLady’s hilarious wit and deep wisdom every week.

thelongrun
thelongrun
1 year ago
Reply to  Rebecca

I agree w/Laura, Rebecca. Your last paragraph hits the nail on the head. I keep coming back if for no other reason than if I can help some new chump, then I will have done something useful w/my life and my hard won experience as a chump.

Ok, and also to vent. I’m coming up on 6 years from D-day in early April, and will be four years fully divorced in March. I am still in grey rock w/the FW XW because our youngest of three is a little over 17 yo now.

I’m in the home stretch, and by October 6th of this new year, he’ll be 18 yo and I’ll technically be free of her. But as long as the kids exist, that won’t really happen. Not that I want anything to happen to them. Her and her partner, though? Hmm…Nah. Only if they do it to themselves. Which could happen w/these moral nimrods!🤣

She still manages to trigger me by saying she wants to be cordial w/me now. As if. Funny, when you exit-affair your loving husband using your rich, older, married boss (father figure/sugar daddy), blowing your family and his apart in the process, cordial doesn’t come to mind. Be happy w/civil, you deluded whore, is much more likely to pop into my head.

Ok, my spleen feels better for venting. Thank you all for putting up w/it, and me. Wishing CL and all of CN the very best New Year, and of course…may it be fuckwit-free!!😁

WFT
WFT
1 year ago
Reply to  Rebecca

I’d love your perspective on no fault divorce. Mine is final So it no longer matters but I’m curious.

OHFFS
OHFFS
1 year ago
Reply to  Rebecca

“I’ve learned that the pain of being chumped is part of my core now.”

So true, and Chump Nation has become part of my core. Thanks for staying to help other chumps. I firmly believe supporting others helps us to heal as well.

Adelante
Adelante
1 year ago
Reply to  Rebecca

What an inspirational post! Thank you for both your life story and your generous contribution to helping other chumps!

MrWonderful’sEx
MrWonderful’sEx
1 year ago
Reply to  Rebecca

I always love reading your comments, Rebecca. I’m in a state that offers fault divorce but the bar is high and I have been told that making a fault claim forces the case to go to trial and causes the legal fees to go through the roof. I have been told that, for what one gets in return if they win, it’s not worth going through that. I would be interested in hearing what you have to say about no fault, as that is the route I will likely have to go. I’d appreciate if CL could share my email address to you. I would very much appreciate your insights on no fault divorce from a cheater. Thank you.

Good N Gone
Good N Gone
1 year ago

Laws need upgraded and inclusive of mental , money and physical abuse trauma as the effects and danger of cheating ! All states should also have alienation of affection on the books as well. I have often thought how the numbers of us here could possibly make for these changes .

Rebecca
Rebecca
1 year ago

MrWonderful’sEx,
I’m happy to reach out privately.

To be clear, what I learned is that one can use adultery as a strategy rather than making a fault claim.
Many lawyers, including my first, aren’t savvy about how to do this; they just follow an easy path to divorce.
The really good ones will know how to weave the cheating into a larger narrative, including how to get financial info about waste of marital funds, to catch them in a deposition and how to use the threat or reality of deposing the affair partner. This usually has to be done carefully and quietly.
I suggest asking a divorce lawyer during the initial interview how they personally feel about cheating, examples of how specifically they have dealt with cheating cases in the past and what suggestions they have for how you should conduct yourself with your spouse. The answers are quite telling.
My first lawyer had a whole boring speech. My second lawyer looked at me and said that she hates cheaters and that she always charges them more so she can charge chumps less! ❤️😂
I knew she was the one to represent me.

Black Swan
Black Swan
1 year ago
Reply to  Rebecca

I’m in a no fault state of WA. I was the “breadwinner” because my ex POS husband could never hold a job. He wanted a crazy amount of spousal support, like $5k a month. He moved back to California and it was expensive there, plus he could only mooch off his mom, sister, and aunts for so long. It didn’t matter that would put his two kids and me out of our home. After a year separation and negotiation he would not budge on several financial issues. So I made a shock and awe strategic move that I counted on him freaking out (Initially because he would be delayed getting ANY spousal support or money). “Hey POS, we are going to court!”, my lawyer informed him. “Here are all the documents you need to fill out truthfully and under oath or you will be in contempt of court, go to jail, etc.” I had read over those docs carefully and asked if I could make changes. There was a section that asked if POS had extramarital encounters. I had my lawyer update and detail the definition of extramarital so that POS couldn’t weasel his way out. Yes, sticking your dick in a glory hole would be considered extramarital even if you didn’t see the persons face. Oh, you don’t know the person’s name you had sex with? Just put “n/a”. The housecleaning person you hired counts too and the money you paid her. Be sure to list all the money you spent when you were at your “AA meetings”.
To add further stress of honesty to POS, there were 5 info areas/spaces to put in this extramarital info, I changed it to 30 and added “Use sheets found in next section to continue” or something like that. He was informed he had to fill it out himself (his sister could not help him), but don’t worry the documents will be public for anyone to read later if they want.
I banked on POS not wanting to drag out in court; not wanting to be honest; not wanting his family to know the truth; not wanting to delay getting spousal support.
It worked. I started paying him $3k a month in spousal and every 6 months it decreased until 2 years later he started paying me child support.
Document strategy is important 🫶🏻

Caro
Caro
1 year ago
Reply to  Black Swan

I love this so, so much. I actually am applauding.

Kara
Kara
1 year ago
Reply to  Black Swan

Oh that is some brilliant strategizing there. Force them under penalty of perjury to admit to their cheating, ALL of it, or knock it off with the dumb demands. Nice.

OHFFS
OHFFS
1 year ago
Reply to  Black Swan

That’ll story has me grinning ear to ear, Black Swan. You did good!

Laura
Laura
1 year ago
Reply to  Rebecca

Your last paragraph describes perfectly why I still read the groups on Facebook and here. Just a gentle reminder to others that there is life after divorce, also to me gives my life more meaning. I am not leading a perfect life – but I am enjoying the life I have now rather than mourning the one I had. Freedom is much sweeter than a life of misery with a person who doesn’t value you.

Adelante
Adelante
1 year ago
Reply to  Laura

“I am not leading a perfect life – but I am enjoying the life I have now rather than mourning the one I had. Freedom is much sweeter than a life of misery with a person who doesn’t value you.”

Any post I could write would be a version of your final two sentences, so I’m just going to say “ditto.”

Cleo (the former Chump)
Cleo (the former Chump)
1 year ago
Reply to  Adelante

ditto ditto! This is beautifully said, and pretty much where I have found my mighty. And though contentedly living in Mehville for YEARS I still read Chump Lady AND most of the comments daily–checking in with a community that remains part of my life. Peace and Love to all Chump Nation.

ChumpedToTheMax
ChumpedToTheMax
1 year ago

You answered my letter eight or nine years ago as I struggled with if I should spend the holidays with the lying, cheating ex. You made it clear I did not have to spend the holidays with exhole ever again. And I haven’t. We’re divorced, I sold the house and moved to a great one-acre home where I garden and raise chickens. I play music and found a great bunch of musicians here. I also remarried a guy who’s stable and has his own money so won’t blow through mine. I’m about to retire from my toxic corporate job and follow my dreams to be a writer. My life is blessed and I thank God every day I finally got out of the hell I was in. Both of my grown sons are making me a grandmother next year. What could be better?

My sons are celebrating New Year’s with their spouses and friends on my youngest son’s property tomorrow. The ex and his parents from Germany will be there. My youngest is grilling all day and shooting off fireworks at night. I can tell he’s a bit disappointed I will not be there. These are hard decisions, but my sanity is worth it. I’m going to my son’s house today for breakfast and to hang out with them before the ex arrives.

I’m also still settling the QDRO so the ex can take half of my hard-earned pension. I’m angry that I paid so much. It doesn’t seem fair after what he did to me, but I remind myself that I would live in a box under a bridge rather than spend one more day with the ex, so it’s worth it.

Better dry crust in peace than feasting in a house of strife–Proverds.

Almost Monday
Almost Monday
1 year ago

The QDRO can be re-visited after a divorce is finalized? Yikes!

ChumpedToTheMax
ChumpedToTheMax
1 year ago
Reply to  Almost Monday

No, it isn’t finalized, partly my fault but I need to get it done so I can retire. It’s all on me, like the whole marriage.

Ladybugchump
Ladybugchump
1 year ago

FW dad asked me to forgive the back child support… so why can’t you re-negotiate this now to pay zero from your retirement?

OHFFS
OHFFS
1 year ago

👏 Wonderful update, CTTM.

Dbleighm
Dbleighm
1 year ago

I posted this awhile back on Facebook, after 10 years on Facebook, from 2009 to 2019. It’s long, but worth the read. Fo reference, I was 25-35, spent 4 years as a JAG, and now work as a civilian attorney for the Army. I met my Ex halfway through 2009.

2009 was such a dichotomous year. The first half of 2009 was clubs, concerts, dinners, and occasional dates. I drove a sports car. I took a trip to Europe. I surrounded myself with incredible girls and guy friends. I strutted around in a uniform. I was skinny, stressed, and constantly on antibiotics. I did my best to prove to everyone in cyberspace that I was successful, confident, and completely fine with being single at 25. I didn’t realize I was trying to convince myself.

The second half was confusion. Confused as to why I didn’t measure up. Confused as to why I wasn’t the person I was sure I was going to be. I was play acting like an attorney and waiting on someone to call me on my bullshit. The ring on my finger didn’t make anything better. I began a 5 year long argument with myself that it would.

2019:

I’m no longer skinny. I play act at losing weight and then call myself on my own bullshit and eat chips and queso.

I strut around in business suits and professional dresses.

Dichotomy is still present. Sometimes I’m mommy falling asleep on the couch to the Addams family theme. Sometimes I’m a tipsy adult falling asleep on the couch after two glasses of wine. Sometimes I’m both (with grandparents around).

I write waaaaaaay too personal, long Facebook statuses.

I drive a Prius. I spend too much money on life insurance and a mortgage. I attend therapy. I surround myself with incredible women and guy friends who I rarely see in person, but are there in a crisis. I’ve found a job that puts my resting bitch face to good use. I circle “Divorced” on my paperwork and wonder if anyone realizes what a victory that is. I’m relatively successful, snarky, confident, and completely fine with not being married at 35. I’m working on staring that measuring stick down and telling it it’s wrong.

I am absolutely, positively, completely, definitely not the person I was sure I was going to be.

I’m better.

MrWonderful’sEx
MrWonderful’sEx
1 year ago
Reply to  Dbleighm

I LOVE this!!! Happy New Year, Dbleighm, from a fellow shark (though I have never been in practice). 😉

TheDivineMissChump
TheDivineMissChump
1 year ago

Good karma rains down in abundance for this chump.

In the 18 months I’ve been FW free I wrote a book, had a long-form non-fiction story published in two major publications, sold the rights to said story for TV/Movie development, and am working on book two as well as an anthology of long-form stories. (Last week, the story was named an editor’s top ten pick and top five most popular with readers in 2022!)

My relationship with my adult daughters is thriving as I continue monthly therapy sessions in an effort to futher better my emotional and mental well-being. As a result,
I feel whole and genuinely happy for the first time in almost 40 years.

In September, I became reacquainted with a gentleman I went to high school with and we started seeing each other. So, for what is likely the first time in my adult life, I am enjoying spending time in a completely honest and mutually supportive relationship with an emotionally stable and mature empathetic person. As we slowly learn more about each other, I marvel at the stark differences I’m experiencing now versus the early days with Cheating Bastard Ex. No commonality whatsoever, and I think part of that is due to both of us being our most authentic selves from day one.

Finally, I can’t say enough about how much strength I’ve gleaned from the Chump Nation! I still read every day as I grow ever nearer to meh. My biggest takeaway is the empowerment and healing no-contact brings to the newly (and veteran) Chumped. I’d never be where I am without it.

OHFFS
OHFFS
1 year ago

“I wrote a book, had a long-form non-fiction story published in two major publications, sold the rights to said story for TV/Movie development, and am working on book two as well as an anthology of long-form stories. (Last week, the story was named an editor’s top ten pick and top five most popular with readers in 2022!)”

Congratulations!

Thrive
Thrive
1 year ago

Happy new year CN! I am ~5.5 yrs post DDay and 5yrs post divorce (yes I pushed it through), sold family home, bought and remodeled condo on a lake near grandkids. Retired and took up hiking then golf. Vacationed in Alaska, Hawaii, pre-COVID and ICELAND a couple months ago. Have NOT had a COVID! have an English Golden retriever who keeps me company, wonderful sisters from other mothers who stood by me and make my life sane and a male friend with whom I go to games, concerts, movies. I am content and drama free. It’s good. My sons are still struggling with their MIA Dad which makes me sad for them.” I wish he was a better man.” (Adele’s song). Things really started to feel new normal around yr 4. (30 yr marriage). Hugs!

foundmywayback2015
foundmywayback2015
1 year ago

Perfect timing as I am over 7 years free of the exhole and coming up very quickly on the 18th birthday of youngest so full and utter freedom is fast approaching!! I’ve got 1 and 3/4 feet into the land of ‘meh’ and it’s a beautiful sight.
I stick around and continue to read to help me continue to hold my boundaries. I recommend this site to so many people- it’s been invaluable in terms of the practical aspects of life after a fuckwit.
We have one more child support issue to resolve and then the morning of youngest’s birthday? I’m blocking the MOFO on everything.
I’m happily remarried to a wonderful man and our marriage is a healthy model for my children to aspire to.
Thanks to you CL and everyone in Chump Nation.

TwinsDad
TwinsDad
1 year ago

It’s been a while for me but I bred with a FW, so…here I am. My letter is here:
https://www.chumplady.com/2014/02/dear-chump-lady-the-kids-are-starting-to-ask-questions/
Since then I’ve reached meh in most of my life. My kids are 20 now and one still hasn’t figured out that his mother alienated him from me. So still working on that. Other than that I’ve gotten a great life. Met and married a fellow chump and am very happy. All the new chumps will get there too. Happy New Year!

Kim
Kim
1 year ago

I’m 4+ years post divorce and my only regret is that I didn’t divorce him sooner. I shouldn’t have married him in the first place, but I digress.

I increased my salary 60% since I left and make almost triple what ex makes. I own a lovely house, the first one I’ve ever owned by myself so everything here is mine. Ex reluctantly paid me my share of what he considers HiS house (I contributed plenty financially…..more then him but since he’d technically bought it a year before we married he considered it his). He kept most of the lawn tools for himself because “his” house.

Whatever. I bought my own stuff.

My now grown young men live with me while they go to school and work and we have zero tension. We away had to walk on egg shells to avoid irritating or offending his majesty and my kids always got on his nerves so he was nasty to them. His spoiled brat daughter could do no wrong….she was grown and was a bitch to me but her ass still had to be kissed. He was in their lives 13 years from the time they were little and thet never even speak of him…it’s like he never existed.

I don’t have to deal with Mr conflict avoidant nasty passive aggressive douchebag following me and changing the thermostat even though I paid the bill. My food bill is way down….I bought the groceries but he ate most of them. I don’t have to hear the shitty comments under his breath followed by him playing dumb with a phony smile. I don’t have to deal with his attention seeking and shitty boundaries. His whore can have all of that, although she was still on marriage #5 so they might still be on the down low.

I used to have bad IBS….now it’s mostly gone.

And I have a lovely bf of 4 years who as sweet as candy and very sexy. And he’s not a phony attention seeking passive aggressive.

Happy New Years everyone!

RuralBeing
RuralBeing
1 year ago

Dear CN and CL

I am a Lurker who has seriously benefited from all the shared experience and the straight-talking advice in this place.
I was in too much pain to share my story. My GP got me into crisis therapy which saved my life. Keeping my kids safe was also a priority.
My close friends & family along with a brilliantly no-nonsense legal team helped me (over 18 months) to finally kick my rubbish cheater off his DIY chipboard pedestal and right out of my life.
My kids – adults now, were hurt and sad for a couple of years. They still have a FW for a father but none of it has to be my problem anymore.

Six and a half years post D-Day, I’m living a ridiculously good life as a wood-fired baker & writer. The lovely friends, the strong relationships with my children & the having no urge to conform to the predicted path of a middle-aged woman are the highlights 😁

Be strong, because you’re already strong. And mighty praises to Chump Lady and Chump Nation for making me battle-ready. I still come back here for top-ups! 💪🏽😍

Hcard
Hcard
1 year ago

I found CL while looking at divorce sites. I was/am disabled, almost sixty. My daughter and grandchild lived in my house. I had 4 pets I adored. I had been married 40 years. If I left I stood to lose, income, pets, house (I paid for before disability) . Basically everything. The letters, advice from other letters, CL snark helped me see through the fog, of helplessness. He unexpectedly became terminal just as I was planning my exit. CL, CN , helped me keep my sanity and grey rock until he passed.
I got it all. My health improved tremendously. I bought a different house I choose. It took a few years to realize what I liked, wanted, not his choices. I have less monthly money and twice as much spending money. I now can recognize gaslighting, triangulation, narcissistic traits and just plain BS. Almost every day I’m surprised how happy I am. My whole life sings. Problems are just irritating, no big deal. My only regret is the time I wasted with the idiot.

Cam
Cam
1 year ago
Reply to  Hcard

>I got it all.

I love a happy ending. Seriously breathed a sigh of relief for you when I read this.

Lurky McLurkerson
Lurky McLurkerson
1 year ago
Reply to  Hcard

To be completely honest, due to circumstances, I’m expecting to be in this same boat — and that’s part of why I haven’t leapt toward divorce. Illness is definitely a factor in my ambivalence. The ethicist in me has a hard time jumping ship when it is so likely he could be near the end.

I’m glad you are finding goodness in this time and I feel you deeply on the regret.

Sandyfeet
Sandyfeet
1 year ago

I understand. I too debated. FW became a cheater & late life pill addict (found needles after he was out), heart stent, untreated high blood pressure and is a skin cancer factory. I decided he was too much of a financial risk to wait. He has judgments against him now. The adult kids blame me (jokingly) that he’s still living. I cooked well and healthy which backfired on me. He was a health care provider. Took 2.5 years to divorce and I’ve been free of FW for 1.5 years.

Lurky McLurkerson
Lurky McLurkerson
1 year ago
Reply to  Sandyfeet

The financial risk angle makes total sense to me, Sandyfeet. That’s one of the dealbreakers we haven’t hit yet, but if we do, that will do it.

There are a few other things that would motivate me, too. Illegal actions in general, physical acting out, stuff like that. If things weren’t pretty good in the status quo, I’d make a move. I have a good job and I’m not afraid to be alone, practically or emotionally. Just trying to keep life stable in the moment, I guess. So glad for you that you did what was right for you and are 1.5 years in to better times!!!

Hcard
Hcard
1 year ago

I get it, if I ditched him while terminal, my adult kids would have thought me a monster. My catholic guilt would have been horrible. I’m just spiritual now, but! Then came things I learned here. (Mr CL) If it feels good don’t do it. Think strategically. I knew if he died I would get everything and not pay a lawyer. For a solid year, one month and seven days, he tried to make my life hell. I went grey rock, remembering my final goal.

walkbymyself
walkbymyself
1 year ago

My D-day happened gradually, but the scales fell from my eyes in December 2017 when I’d been cleaning up after Thanksgiving and getting ready for Christmas. Things went slowly at first … so it wasn’t until August 2018 that I filed for divorce. I moved out of the house on August 2019, and it wasn’t until January 2021 that the divorce itself was final.

I think when Chumplady tells us “no contact” it may be the most significant advice we’re likely to get from any source anywhere, bar none. Here’s why (in my case): from the time I first started dating my husband, up to the day I filed for divorce, I’d been with him over half my life. That’s how many decades I’d become accustomed to turning to him for advice, or for explanations or suggestions. It was pure instinct, evolving as it did over many, many years. When I started to realize what a complete fraud it all was … it felt to me like a phantom limb.

Chumplady is telling us that the phantom limb is exactly that. It doesn’t exist. You can’t lean on it for support.

The thing that most contributed to my recovery, was removing myself physically in August 2019, so he could no longer monitor my thoughts and activities. I may not have fully realized this at the time.

We don’t have contact. Our daughter is in her 20’s. She told me some time ago that she would need to have a continuing relationship with her father, notwithstanding how fucked-up she knew he was. I respect that. I actually think it’s pretty mature of her.

She spent Christmas with him this year.

I have not yet gotten completely to Tuesday, but it’s definitely coming. I don’t spend my life having flashbacks trying to untangle what was real and what was fake. I still have nightmares and wake up with bloodstains on my pillowcase, but it’s happening with far less frequency.

I’m okay, actually content with the Christmas I had, home with the puppy. To be clear, having a puppy doesn’t solve everything in life. On the other hand, it does make the morning happy and cheerful, and it’s nice having someone snuggle up to me at night if I’m thrashing around having a nightmare.

Puppies do not lie or cheat, although they occasionally steal, usually socks out of the laundry basket. I’m willing to cut her some slack on that. My ex stole money, youth and happiness. I can afford to replace a sock here and there.

OHFFS
OHFFS
1 year ago
Reply to  walkbymyself

“To be clear, having a puppy doesn’t solve everything in life.”
No, but it comes close. Enjoy the new year with your wonderful pup, who will be a wonderful fully grown dog this time next year. Dogs are everything.

chumped48
chumped48
1 year ago

Dday was September 2018 (not the first Dday-16 years married). I immediately applied to graduate school because I had no career, found a second job, and was okay, but money was not enough to keep my kids in the same school district so I needed a new plan. While continuing my graduate degree in one subject (teaching English as a second language), I began taking nursing school prerequisites (while caring for my kids 100% of the time, keeping our house running, etc). The pandemic lost me a lot of income (I was a musician) and FW was the boss at the university where I taught. Something fishy went down and my contract wasn’t renewed there so I had to find a new job (yes FW likely had something to do with me losing the job but it was a dead-end low-paying job and I was delighted to NOT have to work with him anymore). Now I have a job as a pharmacy technician (which pays more than my old job). I chose this because it’s super close to home so the kids can use my car when they need it and it will help me prepare for nursing school. I FINISHED MY MASTERS this December and I will concentrate on finishing my nursing prerequisite classes (holding a 4.0 in those now). I will apply to nursing school at the end of 2023. My lawyer has my mortgage paid by FW till my (hopeful) graduation from nursing school in 2026, so my kids can stay in the house they grew up in. I’m 52 years old, starting a brand new career, and getting a bachelor’s degree while my oldest son ALSO leaves for college next year to get HIS bachelor’s. FW lives with AP in the next state over and only stops by to see the kids a couple times a week for a few minutes (oldest son rarely sees him). He totally sucks. Divorce is not quite final, but hopefully any week now we’ll be signing things (I filed in 2019). I won’t consider myself at meh until I’m financially on my feet and can offer support to my kids, but hopefully that will only be 3 years from now. Never in a million years did I think I was smart enough to get through nursing school. That’s something I couldn’t contemplate while living in the manipulation fog with FW. Being out of that abuse is the best thing that’s ever happened to me and my kids. They are both nice boys (teenagers) with friends and just me taking care of them. It’s a good life.

Adelante
Adelante
1 year ago
Reply to  chumped48

That is a real story of mighty!

chumped48
chumped48
1 year ago
Reply to  Adelante

Thank you Adelante!!

CheaterDefeater
CheaterDefeater
1 year ago

Yes you mentioned my question about the trust bank and published My Dog Loves Mark. Basically after a year of dating I found he was on multiple dating sites and has an ad on Craigslist. I broke it off but he begged for us to get together and we started couples counseling. I wanted to believe he sincerely loved me and would be faithful.I took him back. Rookie mistake .Over the course of another 6 years his distain towards me set in. I knew he was continuing his antics and I finally dumped him. When I look back at the timeline, I don’t believe he ever stopped cheating. I was so distraught at being convinced to trust him after Dday 1 just to have history repeat itself. But now I am living my best life and he is probably still living with my former friend. It makes me smile knowing that his payback is the life he leads. I on the other hand am rocking my life. I bought a home and immerse myself in home improvement work. I plan to start a garden. I got a puppy! I do life drawing and plein air painting. I took a swing dance class. I love my job. My two adult children live with me and we are a happy family. I haven’t dated since I dumped him, because I can’t stand the thought of trusting someone who is evil, but if I sense a genuinely good person might be interested, I am open to walking that path. But no rush, as I get all the love I need from family and friends, and I get happiness from living my best, authentic life. I read Chump Lady every day, and start my day with her snark and sage advice. I am grateful for her voice ever day.

walkbymyself
walkbymyself
1 year ago

Seconding the “puppy therapy” solution! See my comment, above.

Sandyfeet
Sandyfeet
1 year ago
Reply to  walkbymyself

My girl 🐾 is 10.5 now. She was such a love 💕 when I’d have tearful waves of grief. I included her in settlement, didn’t want any questions on who she belongs with.

MrWonderful’sEx
MrWonderful’sEx
1 year ago
Reply to  Sandyfeet

My dog has been one of the things holding me up, sadly. I just know klootzak would fight me for her because our child loves the dog. Though he has never been her care taker, he would insist on the dog going with him.

Just recently, the dog’s specialist vet (the dog is at least 12 years old with multiple health issues) advised that her internal condition has worsened and she has, at best, weeks or month left. I will be devastated when she is gone but also unshackled from her being another thing he could use to hurt me. Caring for her has been a very expensive proposition, running thousands of dollars per year for the last several years. I am on a tight schedule of giving her pills before meals, shots, and pills with or after meals. As much as I love dogs, I am doubtful I will ever get one again. I’m getting too old to deal with much more heartbreak.

Lurky McLurkerson
Lurky McLurkerson
1 year ago

I was chumped and got divorced many years ago. Now I’m remarried, and poorly. We get along well enough (not brilliantly, but well enough), and I have no clear information that suggests cheating. But I can’t see how it wouldn’t be happening, because we’re not intimate anymore (for nearly a decade) and he’s focused on the online porn so many people have replaced real sex with nowadays.

I’m not even interested in sex with him at this point because he’s not offering anything in the bedroom that I’d want. I don’t care at all about the erectile stuff or anything physical. I take people where they are in life. And I’m a very passionate person. But I do hate feeling objectified, compared, disrespected, and not personally desired, so that all really kills it for me.

I’m also a lot older, and divorcing would be such a huge financial blow and life explosion, that I just sit here waiting to see what will happen next.

I feel embarrassed enough by this that I don’t want anyone to know who I am. I realize I need to do something, I’m just not ready, and I can’t become ready because others think I should. So I don’t reach out. I lurk and consider what others share because I know I’ll change things at some point and the advice helps me. Until then, I just sit here gathering strength and organizing my life for readiness for the day the change comes.

OHFFS
OHFFS
1 year ago

Lurky, porn use ruined my marriage too. He started with porn, went to more and creepier porn, and then cheated when the porn was not enough anymore. I had no idea he was doing it, only finding out after Dday. You are quite right in thinking his porn use has lead to or will lead to cheating. Studies have verified the link.

When you get ready to make a move, you know we are here to help you through it, and you can still reach out for support even if you are not ready to leave.

Ladybugchump
Ladybugchump
1 year ago

When one is ready the time is there.
Don’t be embarrassed. Whenever I feel embarrassed it’s because I didn’t or am not doing what everyone is spouting as the proper fix. Those are just popular.

Trust yourself as you’re sitting there.

I sat on the fence for somewhere near 8 years and then found LACGAL. I instantly filed for divorce. Sure, I have some regrets and question myself what the heck did you do? But I know that I was very consciously hoping toward my marriage and that he was a good guy. It was a daily choice I made. Period.

HereWeGoagain…
HereWeGoagain…
1 year ago

Hi Lurky, Thank you for writing this. I feel that I’m in the same situation – my second marriage (his third) and it took me a while to realise that current cheater has very similar personality traits to my first cheating husband. I’m currently working on reclaiming my confidence and self-worth (from all of his lying and gaslighting) while trying to work a way out of this mess (in a way that doesn’t impact my finances too negatively). I hope everything works out for you.

HereWeGoAgain…
HereWeGoAgain…
1 year ago

For those of us chumps who are ‘hanging in there’ to time our run (for financial reasons), does anyone have advice on how to get through cheater’s emotional triggers – e.g. cheater starts singing one of ‘their’ special songs around house? I’m trying not to let on that I know about all of their shit – just trying to put everything in place before I run.

Rebecca
Rebecca
1 year ago

I hope you can use your years to build your own best life! Not everything can always be about just getting out.

Try to find friends who you enjoy being with. Find a new hobby or look on meetup to find an activity you might enjoy doing solo. Start walking everyday and get healthy or healthier. Ask the librarian to recommend books that take your mind out of your own troubles.

In other words, try to move on without moving out. You may hate where you are and not see any way out bit that doesn’t mean you have to stay in his level.

Good luck! We would love to hear that you found your way to a positive life for YOU!

HereWeGoAgain…
HereWeGoAgain…
1 year ago
Reply to  Rebecca

Thank you Rebecca – I appreciate your advice and didn’t realise that ‘meetup’ existed. It looks really great.

NotAnymore
NotAnymore
1 year ago

It took me a very long time to leave Lurky. I lurked here for at least three years before filing for divorce. I didn’t have definitive proof of cheating either, which kept me stuck. I was the breadwinner, and I didn’t want to financially ruin myself. He was emotionally abusive, but I “accepted” his “flaws” and absolved him by blaming his behavior on his atrocious childhood. I tried to be the forgiving, loving, understanding partner that I wished he was.

In the end, I caught him in a very typical lie – he lied all the time – often about things that didn’t matter. But it suddenly clicked in, I’d rather be alone forever than be lied to one more time. I was more shocked than anyone that I had filed. Until that moment, I thought I didn’t have it in me.

When you are ready, you will be ready. In the meantime keep a journal. Re-reading my journal, I was shattered to see how depressed and miserable I actually was. How I minimized my needs down to nothing and focused on his. I was shocked by hurtful things he did that I had brushed under the rug and forgotten. The journal was the beginning of living in reality again.

Ladybugchump
Ladybugchump
1 year ago
Reply to  NotAnymore

The journal. Same for me. I wrote a lot most of my life. There was a period of time I kept a calendar. It was proof for me just not enough to get away. I’ve burned all the journals one New Year’s Eve a number of years ago. Wish I’d been able to get to the letters and cards I’d written FW and burn them, too.
It’s really weird but I can’t journal anymore. I’ve tried and nothing happens.
Maybe it’s because I’m at peace.

Lurky McLurkerson
Lurky McLurkerson
1 year ago
Reply to  NotAnymore

You know, I just bought one of those journals where you just write a few things but you can see over time what you did every year on that day. I do think it will be illuminating. Way to be mighty!

Falling Forward
Falling Forward
1 year ago

Hey Lurky, people really don’t seem to understand the horrible, negative, secondary effects of porn (and aren’t the primary effects bad enough?) like the effects on faithful spouses. I cannot imagine how many partnerships and marriages out there have “lost their spark” in direct correlation with porn use (of course, you can add in a myriad of vices here like alcohol, too). I am sorry that you’re in this situation, and want you to know that you don’t need to be embarrassed at all. I also carried so much shame around at first, but am working hard to shake it off! You have no control over your partner, and few of us even has as much influence as we’d like. This shame isn’t yours to carry. I hope you’ll try to shake it off, too. Big virtual hugs, friend!

Lurky McLurkerson
Lurky McLurkerson
1 year ago

Thanks, Falling Forward. I think the reason it’s so humiliating is the same reason it’s so mean for a partner to hide their sexual secrets – because I really worked hard to bring a good picker to this choice after such a bad former marriage, and none was revealed until after we were married. Once again, I’ve been fooled, believed bullshit, entered this marriage with hopes and dreams (and this time having asked all the right questions) only to end up here, now, duped again, and uncertain of which direction I want to take.

Thanks for your kindness. I appreciate it.

Cam
Cam
1 year ago

It’s not your fault and you have nothing to be ashamed of. He’s the one who broke this, not you.

Observer
Observer
1 year ago

Six years ago today I was still grappling with D-day, which had occurred on December 11th. After that things imploded quickly.

Yesterday I celebrated my 4th anniversary with an absolutely amazing woman. In that marriage I gained 4 young adult stepkids who had been abandoned by their own father who walked out on them several years before. I’m like their dad now, and one even calls me that.

I was childless for 30 years in my previous marriage, and I treasure my relationship with my step-kids.

We lost one of the kids to suicide several years ago, and that was the most horrible thing imaginable. But every time I find myself getting angry with my ex I stop to remind myself that if not for discovering her betrayal I would never have known that young man or been part of this wonderful family. I’d have spent the rest of my life investing in someone who didn’t really love me back.

I am much better off now.

OHFFS
OHFFS
1 year ago
Reply to  Observer

Observer, my deepest sympathies for your terrible loss. That is so painful.

My daughter lost her best and oldest friend to suicide at the age of 16. Neither of us were ever quite the same after that precious girl died.
What helped us was having a yearly memorial for her. I would take my daughter, her cousin (also a friend of the deceased) and my daughter’s friend (the deceased girl’s ex-boyfriend) to lunch and we would share memories about her and toast to her.
She died 14 years ago, so we no longer do the memorials, but it helped get the kids through it for several years.

Quetzal
Quetzal
1 year ago

Officially 5.5 years, I’ll chime in as someone who isn’t anywhere near “gaining a life”, despite being a cheater, as health after leaving and the pandemic played their heavy hand in limiting my escape options. Im still financially related to the cheater, but I dont live with him and we have no kids together, so our interactions only revolve around my welfare (he’s gone ahead and built his own “nation” so he’s fine playing charitable ex-villain).

Im putting this out there, so someone in a similar place doesnt have to feel bad about the “Christmas Newsletter” highlight reel effect of everyone else’s life turning out “more”.

Im in the “stuck” section. For now. My turn will come.
I dont live life by someone’s else book anymore, though, so while I feel guilty for not having been able to do “more”, Im for sure enjoying the IMMENSE PEACE of how everything turned out for me.

OHFFS
OHFFS
1 year ago
Reply to  Quetzal

Peace is what it’s all about, Quetzal. I still have some financial ties to my ex. It doesn’t bother me, because I never have to see his stupid face. We communicate, if neccesary, by text, so I don’t have to hear his miserable voice either.
You don’t have a thing to feel guilty about. You made a new life for yourself. That takes guts. Never forget that.

Quetzal
Quetzal
1 year ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Thanks, Tracy 🙂 I appreciate that! Especially today finding out that ex cheater is expecting with his new prey, I mean, girlfriend!

Quetzal
Quetzal
1 year ago
Reply to  Quetzal

WTF, that should have read “who isn’t anywhere near “gaining a life”, despite LEAVING a cheater”- Too much editing gets me strange places!

FinallySawTheLight
FinallySawTheLight
1 year ago

You answered my letter a year ago. One thing you said always stuck with me “Why would you want to (stay with a FW)” It came to my mind more often than could count.

I did let him back. I could tell you the horrors of the past year, the serial cheating, the blaming, the DARVO, but instead I will say, I finally did it. 19 months after the 1st Dday, and 2 weeks after the 5th (that I know of) …my 17 year marriage is over.
And all I feel is relief. A sense of peace I know will only grow.
I face my own shame for staying, with grace for myself and focus on rebuilding my life, and my children.
It’s amazing what happens when you just let go.

bcchump
bcchump
1 year ago

I wrote you back in October of 2018. You didn’t publish my letter but responded to me with such kindness. My ex decided to start “dating” when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I found out in the middle of chemo, surgery, and radiation. I kicked him out.

I had been a stay at home mom for nearly twenty years. Now I was sick, bald, being kicked out of my home, “lost” my youngest son to his father’s lies, and unequipped to support myself.

The hits kept coming over the next couple of years, the pandemic making everything even harder. Some very dark days that I didn’t think I’d survive.

Now four years later, I am cancer free, my hair grew back, and I am living in the condo of my dreams. The mortgage is covered by the required maintenance he has to pay thanks to a good attorney, even after he tried everything in his power to deny me.

My job is only so-so, but I make enough to cover my expenses. I have great friends, my oldest son in beginning to prosper, and I am actually sort of interested in a dude.

Don’t know if I’m completely “meh” yet, but I do see Tuesday; in no small part to reading this blog on the daily. And Chumplady’s book. But I truly believe life is good again and I find myself optimistic, if not down-right happy!

Unicornomore
Unicornomore
1 year ago
Reply to  bcchump

Starting to date while you were getting chemo….that is ghastly horrible behavior and Im sorry you suffered through it.

NoMoreNarcs
NoMoreNarcs
1 year ago
Reply to  bcchump

Dear bcchump, I too had an ex start cheating on me during chemo. After such grandiose (and public) pledges of support right after the diagnosis. Showing up daily for the yucky stuff? Skid marks and disdain.Cancer isn’t fun. Cancer partner support isn’t glorious and really turns up the flame under the exuberant defiance pot they always have going on the back burner. People like that have a core of toxic waste.

HOORAY on cancer free! Hooray for dreamy condos! And Hip Hip Hooray for prospering children!!

Claire
Claire
1 year ago

DDay August 2020 (final DDay as there had been 2 others but they were only friends ‘GODDAMIT woman!’). Divorce finalised April of this year….. can’t remember the date! 😁 This was after much argey bargey from FW. I got my full 407k and some. Actually took some great advice from the good souls here…. especially LFTT regarding house and contents.

My mirage (term coined from VH) was a long one spanning over 3 decades, there was much work to be done, its still in progress.

I work less now and play more. Own my home and have it decorated to my taste. Have my loving family around me – 3 adult children and 4 grandchildren. I’m in a financial position where I can treat them as and when I please with no wanker scoffing at what I spend (although said wanker was always spending what he liked). Forgetting the financial side of things.. Its the simple things that I relish the most! A relaxing coffee while listening to the birds, the flowers, watching the sunrise and sunset, trash TV, reading my books, writing in my diary, planning my crops for next year, laughing at my chickens cos they are funny af and having the heating on!

My life is peaceful and joyous. It gets better all the time.

I can see my Tuesday…. Its right there just on the horizon. If I can get there anyone can.

Hugs to you all ❤️

MrWonderful’sEx
MrWonderful’sEx
1 year ago
Reply to  Claire

Now I’m Googling LFTT house and contents. lol

Shivonnsachump
Shivonnsachump
1 year ago

lemme know when you find out!

Shivonnsachump
Shivonnsachump
1 year ago
Reply to  Shivonnsachump

nevermind, now I get it. LFTT is a person here. lol

Claire
Claire
1 year ago

😂😂😂👍🏼

LFTT wrote on here about his ex wanting to collect items from the home after the divorce was finalised and he’d been awarded house and all contents. I made sure this was in my divorce. Lo and behold the wanker suddenly wanted contents that he hadn’t taken…. I happily reminded him that I now own EVERYTHING.

LookingForwardstoTuesday
LookingForwardstoTuesday
1 year ago
Reply to  Claire

Claire,

It made my day to see that my advice helped you. You are absolutely rocking it!

LFTT

chumped48
chumped48
1 year ago
Reply to  Claire

My FW tried this same bullshit- (we’re finalizing now) He put something like “husband hopes to have the ability to pick stuff up at the house if necessary in the future” – I had already PAINSTAKINGLY packed all of his stuff, plus some expensive marital assets that I didn’t want (documented everything) and left it for him in dribs and drabs every time he had visitation with the kids- took forever!! I squashed that completely and had my lawyer make it so all property is considered divided upon the signature of the decree (which should happen in the next month). They really are all the same.

WalkawayWoman
WalkawayWoman
1 year ago

I lurked here for years before I began commenting and sharing. The heart of the matter for me is the question, so succinctly put by CL: “Is this acceptable to me?”
I apply it not only to romantic relationships but to friendships, family, work and business relationships… all of life.
Because I had it backwards the entire first half of my life, asking “Am I acceptable to you?”
It started with my mom. I was adopted as an infant and as I grew up, I grew into a person completely different from the daughter she expected to have. We loved each other, and I brokered a peace treaty between us when I was a young mom, but my for whole childhood and adolescence I alternated between pick-me dancing and rebelling.
It shaped me. My ex-husband was another version of my mom. Critical. Manipulative. Impossible to please. Not for my lack of trying, though.
I emerged from that 18-year marriage with serious body image issues and my self esteem in the toilet. He had me convinced I was unattractive, incompetent, unlikable, and socially awkward.
If that doesn’t make a perfect target for a sociopath, I don’t know what does. Enter the Lying Cheating Loser and the worst four years of my life.
May of 2023 will mark 13 years since I left my cheating ex-husband, and five years since I dumped the LCL.
These days, I’m a chubby middle-aged cat- and plantlady with a bum knee, and I couldn’t be more content. I have walked away from all the things that were not acceptable to me. Not just the two cheating men, but lopsided or expired friendships, shitty jobs and bosses, and – maybe most importantly – my own thoughts and habits that did not serve.
I’m not dating, and I doubt I will again. Thanks to this blog, I was able to recognize and unpack my broken picker. My picker was so broken it didn’t even pick. It just sat there until somebody – anybody – picked me. And then my childhood programming kicked in and I got to work making myself acceptable to that person.
How am I mighty? All of my mighty comes from listening to, and trusting myself. I trusted myself to buy an old house at auction and fix it up. I trusted I could be a working artist. And every day, I trust that the people in my life (my kids, my friends, my family) love me for who I authentically am.

Daughterofachump
Daughterofachump
1 year ago
Reply to  WalkawayWoman

WalkawayWoman , I asked myself “Is this acceptable to me?” in 2021 when half the people in my department at my level left, and my workload was increased by 30% for no more money. I decided it wasn’t. I wish I’d learned to frame situations this way a very long time ago.

So I gave notice, at the age of 60, at a job I’d worked at for 4 years, knowing I might not be able to get another one. What am I living on? An inheritance, while I finish settling an estate and consider what I want to do next.

Who knows, I may never work a regular full time job again. But at the least, I’m pretty sure I can pick up contract work. And I have the inheritance as a backstop.

It’s better than being ridiculously overworked by a crappy boss.

WalkawayWoman
WalkawayWoman
1 year ago

Good for you, Daughterofachump! It’s such a critical tool for us chumps. I have been self-employed for most of my working life, and while I walk a financial tightrope, my time is mine and my “boss” is a pretty cool chick. 😎

NotAnymore
NotAnymore
1 year ago
Reply to  WalkawayWoman

“My picker was so broken it didn’t even pick. It just sat there until somebody – anybody – picked me. And then my childhood programming kicked in and I got to work making myself acceptable to that person.”

This is how I know I am not ready to date. I don’t even know how to tell if I like someone, I just worry if they like me or not. I got married because I thought it was my “only chance” and that “no one else will ever want to marry me.”

I am working on self-love and self-worth with no aim of ever dating again, and I’m happier than I’ve been in decades.

WalkawayWoman
WalkawayWoman
1 year ago
Reply to  NotAnymore

Not Anymore, sounds like we’re both in a good place!

Formerly Sheepishly Reconciling Chump
Formerly Sheepishly Reconciling Chump
1 year ago

You responded to my letter in April of 2020 when I was still giving my alcoholic ex another chance. In early 2022 I came to the realization that an affair was not something I was “getting over” and that being married to an alcoholic sucks. He would relapse after about 6 months of sobriety, and it was always me discovering he’d been drinking which was triggering. My ex got a hip replacement and I was thinking how I was expected to care for him in sickness and health and he couldn’t even do the same in health. We separated and divorced in October. Early into the separation he asked if we could date, and I was fine with that. I’m dating a thoughtful, kind guy who doesn’t drink much. He’s funny and a great conversationalist. My only regret is not getting a divorce sooner ….

Lee Chump
Lee Chump
1 year ago

This and several of the other letters hit home with me. The caring for someone when they did not do the same for you in health. My problem is I am caring for someone who could not care for me in sickness or health. Out of touch. It is one of those things where person gets bad diagnosis and I would look like a I don’t know what if I left him as everyone thinks he is a good guy (he is not all bad). I found out things were much worse re betraying me and being dishonest about a year after his diagnosis. I am not sure I would leave as our lives, finances, etc. are kind of set in stone and we are quite gray. I just think of the time I wasted with someone who not only did not take care of me or show concern when I had bad neuro diagnosis. This does not make sense at 2:20 a.m. I know but it sucks to have lived your life thinking you had only been deceived once and then almost a half century later you find out that there was more to it than admitted to when you found out and that there has been secret contact with an X since then and then more deception. Bravo to all of those who had the courage to leave and gain new lives. I am stuck in the thought of I am disabled too so things would be more difficult for both of us if we split and I would look like the bitch from hell if I gave up my care giver duties to live an honest life. Blessings to all of you.

OHFFS
OHFFS
1 year ago
Reply to  Lee Chump

Lee, stop worrying about how you’ll look to others. I understand staying because you are disabled and life would be harder, but I do hope you can get over caring about the opinions of others. If somebody mistreats you and breaks vows, then your duty of care to that person is over. He fired you from that job. Anybody who doesn’t understand that and would condemn you for leaving is a fool. Can’t you put him in a care home?

skeeter
skeeter
1 year ago

My initial letter and another after a wreck-conciliation:
https://www.chumplady.com/2019/10/dear-chump-lady-but-what-if-i-leave-him-and-he-changes/
https://www.chumplady.com/2020/09/ubt-if-you-need-me-ill-be-there/

My life is peaceful, easy, cozy. Aside from dealing with a narc-y, elderly relative, things are serene. My youngest with special needs lives me. He’s doing so well. I’ve reconnected with old friends and hobbies. I work part time and putter around the house, crafting, gardening and working on various projects.

I don’t miss my ex. I don’t worry anymore about the things that worried me in those old posts. I’m simply grateful to be free. I can say with certainty, I’ll never be conned by another psychopath again. In fact, I’ve been rooting out all of the toxic, integrity-impaired people from my life one by one. I have a few good friends, a lovely home and a happy, harmonious life with my son. It really doesn’t need to get any better than this.

I’ve been NC for more or less 18+ months – with two exceptions (a death and to tell him I would get a restraining order if he didn’t stop harassing me).

For the newbies – this is a wild ride and it’s really hard to stay the course, but there’s peace and healing to be had. It’s so much better than living with the abuse these idiots mete out and the crumbs they might throw at you once in awhile. I’ve learned that happiness isn’t the high of romantic love nor the highs of anything – it’s peace. I have that now.

I’vebeenchested
I’vebeenchested
1 year ago

I also have never written in, although i have read CHUMPLADY’s post most every weekday for approximately 8 yrs. My Dday was New Year’s Eve 2015. It is a very long story as all of our story’s are. Husband was cheating with woman our daughter’s age in a foreign country, turns out for 6 yrs. Took 3.5 yrs to get divorce. It took me 6 yrs to understand what freedom means. Tracy, I can honesty say you saved me in so many ways( I will be a patron till I die 😂)
You helped me find my spine and helped me to stand tall. I now how to react when people say things like “ oh cheating happens, it doesn’t make him a bad person” and so many other things that have been said to me through the years. I am now a living example to my daughter, who is currently going through a divorce. I send her Chumplady regularly.
I am now living my best life, traveling the world, accomplishing bucket list items.
I can honestly say I would not go back to my old life for anything in this world. I will forever be grateful to you Tracy.

Tall One
Tall One
1 year ago

I too wrote a letter right after DD and CL responded personally (TY!). I’ve also had a letter published on a Tuesday about my Tuesday. I remarried a month ago. My wife is beyond my dreams in many ways. My young-adult children are launching. They care very much for their mother and thats their right. I’m not sure if they know what happened, but someday they will learn.

The biggest gift my XW gave me was wisdom and confidence in myself. Never again will I be that low, that abused, that hurt. Sure, I’ll have pain and sorrow, but I am grateful for my journey and —actually— grateful for the experience; I am a better person through it all.

ANC
ANC
1 year ago

CL answered my letter around 2016 on Hysterical Bonding. A few yrs later I asked her to remove the post and all instances of my activity here. I was dealing with an impending divorce, a potential bunny-boiler, and trying to Leave No Trace digitally.

Short background: married 26 yrs to a serial cheater; cheating the entirety off the marriage. The 2016 incident was discovering the decades-long affair with a married fool from CA, who he picked up at a bar in NOLA while on a business trip. FW is a covert narc who employed all the tactics and was successful in his double life and his real life with me & 4 kids. The 2016 discovered AP is one of MANY across paid sex workers, colleagues, clients and bar randos like herself.

Where am I now: Rebuilding. Divorced in 2021. I gave FW over 26 yrs of my life which included leaving my career to support his professional goals across the globe and leaving my graduate education short of 3 classes to complete the degree. I am working my way back into paid employment and figuring out a way to complete my degree, support my college-aged kids and continue to save for retirement in a 10-15 yr horizon.

I have NO regrets. I have 4 wonderful kids, a great circle of friends, a budding new career and my sibs. I waited longer than most to finalize the divorce because I am a bit pragmatic. Do I wish I had done some things differently, absolutely! I was completely dedicated to my marriage with FW to ‘win it’. Until the layers of deceit, manipulation, emotional & financial abuse kept surfacing. Liars lie and cheaters cheat.

The worst thing was the immediate ghosting of me and the kids from the in-laws, who I have known 30+yrs. I made FW tell his family in 2016 some of the shit he did to me and his own kids. He and his sibs have experienced the same bullshit from their own fathers. MIL was married 2 times to cheating FWs with the last dying from natural causes and she, herself, remained married to the asshole until the end. Perfect modeling of rug-sweeping and showing her kids that cheating is acceptable behavior while projecting a false family front to the public.

The outcome from the horror of this trauma is leaving a toxic asshole and the improvement of my overall well-being on many levels. The entire experience has been a horror for me. The cognitive dissonance, managing the stress of supporting my kids emotionally, mapping out my next steps. I didn’t plan for a Jerry Springer episode to become part of my life, but it did. I accept it and am moving forward. I am resilient, courageous, intelligent, loyal, trusting. And now very discerning! I am also judgemental to assholes to break their vows and commitments with intent and purpose.

Cheating is not a mistake. It is 100% a choice to dupe someone else. Everyone involved in the game of deceit should be outed and held accountable- fuck them.

Here’s to 2023! I wish everyone here strength and abundance at whatever stage you are in navigating a profound life event thrown at you. You got this!!

Luckycline
Luckycline
1 year ago

https://www.chumplady.com/2019/09/dear-chump-lady-i-built-my-whole-life-around-her/

I’ve had a lot happen in the last three years. I got involved with the opera in my city as an extra (i don’t sing), I started learning swing dancing for fun, also started learning french and got to visit the country twice this year. I’m actually now in the process of moving to France by this summer as I have been conditionally accepted to a master’s of cancer research program there. Haven’t managed to find a new relationship even though I’ve dated a lot. Maybe I’ll find a girl in France. Thanks for your response to my letter btw. I’ve read it a lot, especially when I’ve felt down. Your work helps a lot of people Tracy.

ExPat Chump
ExPat Chump
1 year ago
Reply to  Luckycline

Congrats Luckycline. I’m planning to move to France within the next 18 months. Maybe we should connect.

NoMoreNarcs
NoMoreNarcs
1 year ago

Here’s mine:
https://www.chumplady.com/2019/12/holiday-sht-sandwiches/

Still plenty of shit sandwiches, but these are mostly delivered by the Flying Monkey/Enmeshed adult children. But we thrive over here in Tuesdayville and are secretly enjoying the occasional front row Karma Bus action.

damnitfeelsbadtobeachumpster
damnitfeelsbadtobeachumpster
1 year ago
Reply to  NoMoreNarcs

i yearn for tuesdayville. maybe this year? the divorce will go through shortly, so maybe then? i hear you on the front row karma bus action, always entertaining/taxing/sad.

Chumpasaurus45
Chumpasaurus45
1 year ago

Good to read everyone’s striving and thriving stories here. Boy, are there some strong and fierce ppl on this site. It’s truly inspiring!!
My divorce was final April 2018. I mostly feel like I remain in limbo land as far as any genuine life reset. Like, what’s wrong with me, when everyone else amps up their previous lives to such remarkably high bars? I feel like I can never fully get out of the quick sand I was living in for decades of my life and I let narratives into my head: ‘ maybe I was the issue’, since he’s remarried and just finished very successful 4 year post retirement career and now in a new house on the water, traveling, consulting, entertaining like mad, the rock solid power couple just living the dream.
I moved in with my son to a one bedroom apt, to a state I had no connection with when my home was sold and……I’m still here.( son moved to another state 4 mos after my move in when he lost his job and had to relocate)
I just keep renewing the lease every year now. I don’t want to buy a home, although I’d like to have a yard for my doggie to play in and more space for me, but I’m okay with being okay I guess.
I don’t feel like there is anywhere I really belong yet. Just drifting along through space. Not working, ( I’m 67) because I don’t need to, I like the freedom to travel to my kids whenever I want and don’t want to be tied down to a job and I’m not trying to lock in to this town forever. ( I do volunteer stuff)
The scary part is I feel like I’ve gotten no where at all and yet I’m the sane parent to my 29,31 and 32 year old unmarried children! 😳
So, I can paint that picture and some days truly buy into it, that I’ve gotten no where at all since the divorce and one of my biggest fears is getting sick and not being able to take care of myself anymore.
But to the rest of the circle of ppl that inhabit my life and love me, I have incredible strength, positivity and resiliency, lol!
I have “ put the team on my back” as far as I’m seen by the ppl closest to me. ( I have 5 siblings with families in another state and my kids act as if I’ve completely put the moon up in the sky and see me as the strongest person in the family through this crisis!!) Lol, I feel like an imposter to that view!
The odd thing about any of this is I think
both views may be correct!
Yes, I haven’t fully reset and yes, I am unbelievably capable of so many things and my advice offered to others through my trauma lens view, has been sought after, respected, admired and practically seen as transformational wisdom,hahaha!
How can both images be accurate at the same time?!? But I even believe they are.
I have an informed trauma wisdom that can kick the ass on anything the world throws at me and give advice to others with the same affect.
Like the abuse made me a superhero of sorts,fighting dragons and narcissists with untold accuracy.
I have modeled strength to my kids to a level they barely think they can make it without me. I don’t like them to have that view and I will set that straight whenever I need to, but I also like that they see me as fierce and capable instead of my frequent self view of weak and damaged.
I find after 67 years of life, I have a great deal of random knowledge and experiences stuck in this old head that has shown itself to be of great benefit to my young adults in a vast array of areas.
We all pool our life experiences and we have each others’ backs in a very deep way. Real and so solid, I don’t believe breakable. That’s the advantage of going through some awful shit together, either brings you closer or its opposite. We are closer and we were already super close to start.
In being able to help one another out, we have all gained wisdom and strength that isn’t at all common. We get life deeply and we know what to value and why. There is a confidence that gives to you that transcends a lot of crap that life hits you with.
Appreciate what you’ve been given and don’t sweat the small stuff are two life lessons that readily come to mind.
We talk so frankly with one another, there is no reason not to. We all know their dad has dropped off the sanity cliff. It’s sad, hurtful, troubling and life changing, but we look truth in the eye and deal with it.
Life is no cake walk, but when we are all together, we appreciate one another on such a level, it makes all our interactions feel so present, connected and almost with a spiritual element.
I think it’s the going through trauma together, when all the world is not going to understand our experience is what forges the strength of our connectivity.
We have seen the dark side of life together and are walking hand and hand through hell to get one another out. There is an unbelievable strength in that that others can only imagine exists, who haven’t been so challenged.
So since divorce I’ve become a next level cook( my kids are my biggest fans with that) I actually know where my monies are and make financial changes as are appropriate. I feel more spiritual and connected to nature and each present moment. I have gratitude for what life has left me and great thanks for it daily. I take in the tiniest of joys in the course of a day and really celebrate them. I look to strengthen ppl in my world I know are struggling and I reach out more. ( always been empathetic, but it’s my life mission now). I am so curious and always learning something new and I share constantly.
I see the world for what it is, flawed but beautiful. I’m more aware how brief a time we all have here and embrace moments with acute awareness.
I feel the deepest connect to my internal world that I’ve ever felt in my entire life. I know who I am again!!!
I’m not where I need to be fully and I’m still searching for a good solid footing, but I’m actually comfortable with being lost and the journey to find my way to a better place is not that scary anymore.
It feels like this was meant to be somehow.
I’m not trying to prove to the world I have worth any longer. I feel it internally most every day.
I know I will have struggles and not always feels solid, but I am the most solid I have been in countless decades of hidden abuses I could not recognize.
I SEE the world I live in now on a level I was unable to do before.
Is it perfect? Far from it! Is it safe? Far from it!
Is it going to be okay? Yes, it will be.
My kids and I will be stronger because of the hardships we have suffered together from their dad’s drop off the cliff strangeness. We grieve the loss of someone we all loved so much, but we will move forward with our lives and appreciate joys that show up for us in spite of the pain he caused his family and maybe because of it.
The drama continues with their dad, but it has less and less of an impact since we all know who he is now and can’t change any of that. It will always have an element of sad, tragic and senseless to us, but we’ve accepted it’s the real him. We didn’t create it and we can’t change it. It just is.
Life has been given an indescribable sweetness we’ve all never tasted before, but we sure have appreciation for it fully.
Happy New Year to all you good ppl out there in this world!
I know the good outweighs the bad, we just need some reminders some days.

Rebecca
Rebecca
1 year ago
Reply to  Chumpasaurus45

Chumpasaurus45,
I love what you wrote so much!!
So many feelings you described I can relate to but can’t articulate.
I wish you were my next-door neighbor ❤️

Chumpasaurus45
Chumpasaurus45
1 year ago
Reply to  Rebecca

Rebecca, that made me smile! Thanks so much! It sure would be nice to have some next door neighbors that get life, I would just love that too! 😊👍❤️

Skunkcabbage
Skunkcabbage
1 year ago

I wrote back in March of 2020 during the height of the pandemic about my X taking our son on a trip regardless of the risks involved. We got lucky, the kid returned to me fairly unscathed from the trip. (Though he did end up getting a mild case of Covid after returning to me from spending Christmas with his father that year. Thank god for those vaccines!)

Today I’m celebrating the fact that my son is home with me for the Holidays from attending his first semester at college. He earned major scholarships to attend and loves the school. He’s doing awesome. Got a social scene, supportive teachers, and a girlfriend who’s as cute as a button! I couldn’t be more proud of him.

His father? I was forwarded a photo of the X with the son taken at Thanksgiving, boy does X look like crap. I think I would have divorced him just for allowing himself to be seen in public that way! (LMAO). I hear he’s unemployed, but still traveling everywhere, while simultaneously crying how broke he is. And he’s still trying to find that replacement for me. They don’t seem to last long around him… wonder why???

Meanwhile, I just got a raise at work. I’ve joined a local social club. My apartment sparkles with light and peace. I am contentedly single, but open to the possibility of meeting someone healthy, but with no intention of ever being married or living with someone ever again. And I am grateful everyday that I got us out 7 years ago.

Erasure
Erasure
1 year ago

Three years since d-day – some things are still a struggle, largely because FW cleaned me out financially.

But on the great side, I have met someone and the chemistry is so “OMG, this is what it is supposed to feel like?” I can’t believe I went 50 years without experiencing this type of connection. I had stopped believing that it even really existed – I chalked it up to post-coital dopamine and oxytocin lying to the brain. But we waited on intimacy for a bit, and the feelings still grew so intensely. I don’t know what will happen ultimately, but I’m so glad I got to experience this.

Kara
Kara
1 year ago

Where am I now? Hm, well I have a fantastic job in an emergency room and I have gained several new skills in the healthcare field from that job. I also get tuition reimbursement and a residency program for my final semester of nursing school. Oh yeah, and I’m in nursing school at one of the major universities in my city.

I have a boyfriend who treats me like a princess. He was one of my best friends that I’d known for about 4 years. When my last fuckwit fuckwitted off into the sunset, my friend was there for me, and eventually confessed his feelings he’d had for the last three years. (He said he didn’t tell me how he felt before because I was seeing someone else and he was not going to be disrespectful. I had ABSOLUTELY no idea he had felt that way for so long. He was damn good at hiding it.) But we have been together for about 7 months. Our mutual friends have been telling me I look happier than I have in a very long time, and it’s true, I don’t think I have ever been happier.

I lost my beloved pet this year (a python I had for a long time, he passed from a hereditary spinal disease) but I have about 13 plants and they’re all thriving. Turns out I’m good at raising plants. My echeveria is getting so big it’s almost taking over the shelf and it’s roots are actually shooting out the side of it’s main stalk and growing over the side of the pot. I’m on the hunt for a pot big enough for this monster plant.

SouthernChump
SouthernChump
1 year ago

I was reading your blog years (2013/2014) before I commented on a thread way back when (somewhere around 2016/2017) about my court ordered custody evaluation. Another chump (I will keep her anonymous) chimes in and got with you to share my contact information. She helped changed the trajectory of my custody eval as she shared vital information with me that encouraged the courts to find a psychiatrist who specialized in narcissism to do our custody eval. Her help SAVED ME AND MY CHILDREN’s LIVES❤️. The psychiatrist clinically diagnosed my ex as a liar, controlling, manipulative, narcissistic, etc. and totally unraveled his and his flying monkey’s scheme to the court. I stayed custodial parent and finally got out of the years of judicial abuse (which I am still paying for).

After that, I got some additional therapy bc my life was still spiraling in other relationships and in every aspect of my life (work, friends, family, etc.). I did a lot of hard work on myself and I realized I surrounded myself with narcissistic/toxic people in every area of my life bc I was desensitized to the abuse due to being a child of a narc (dad, clinically diagnosed). I didn’t understand boundaries or how toxic people “test” you to see how far they can take their abuse. It’s like I didn’t have a “they are dangerous, stay away!” meter. Instead, I always tried harder for them to “like” me regardless of the circumstance. It took a while due to the long term effects of gaslighting, cogitative dissonance, and trauma bonding but over the course of several years a lot of pieces started coming together for me to purge my life from the toxicity….I left a physically abusive 2nd marriage and slapped a restraining order on him, I quit my job after my boss sexually harassed me threatening to not pay me and blacklist me if I didn’t comply, I dropped toxic “friends” left and right, set major boundaries around my family, I dropped my long term friend turned (now ex) boyfriend who felt that the 26 yr younger than him co-worker/nanny was a better deal after she cut herself and threatened HR on him. After my 3rd time being a chump, a sexual harassing boss, and another “friend” turned AP I realized I still needed major help so I went on a sabbatical to Sedona and went through some major intense trauma therapy. It was the best experience and helped me unload the shit as well as connect the dots that I could never seem to connect before. I came home and continued connecting the dots, setting boundaries, and finally turned around my life.

Within months of my trip to Sedona, I finally purged the last of the negative people out of my life and learned to surrounded myself with positive genuine people. I found a great job in an industry where I once had a stigma of going into bc I thought it was less than due to it not being “corporate”. I have an amazing boss with great teams. I worked my way up to one of my boss’s “go to” people for any situation. I get to positively impact my staff of about 500 people in so many ways that is pure and genuine. It’s so rewarding! I found great friends who get it! They don’t judge me or crap on me like my old “friends”. I now have really good boundaries with my family and thus good relationships with them. I’ve accepted what is and love the parts of them that I can while accepting that they are majorly flawed and it’s not my job to fix them. On that note, my father recently commended me for setting boundaries with him. In his old age, he has these spells where he realizes how much damage he did to his kids and my mom. It’s weird! It’s like patches of clarity and even though I have empathy for him during those short lived patches where he realizes and acknowledges his damaging nature, I still know he is a narc. and, sure enough, his narcissism reveals itself shortly after his epiphany. I have an AMAZING relationship with my kids! We are open and talk about everything. And, wouldn’t you know, I even have as good as I can relationship with their narc FW cheating dad. It’s gray rock and I’m at Meh. He is on victim #3 and nextdoor neighbor sidepiece is still in the mix. (Barf!). But, it’s not my monkey/not my circus…..if he steps out of line with me I have a piece of paper certified from the psychiatrist what a liar and manipulator he is and show it to whoever is involved…..he immediately shuts down and while I get his assholishness for a while to punish me for setting him straight, it’s well worth it! I haven’t had to do it in a while but he knows I’m not afraid to hit him between the eyes with it. Through my healing process, I started mentoring other chumps and/or families in abusive situations around town. I don’t judge, just offer my ear and experience as a voice of reason to help them navigate through the shit of staying or leaving. Sometimes, I’m up all hours of the night bc that’s the only time the victims can talk. I do it all under the radar and it’s been a blessing to get to help those that need it. Last but not least, I found my person. We get along like peas and carrots. He is a fellow chump and we are very happy. My kids, friends, dog, and family love him. It’s a healthy and normal relationship! 🙌🙌🙌 I never in a million years thought me (of all people) would find a healthy, normal, happy relationship. We are looking to get married in April of this upcoming year.

In 9 years, I have done a complete 180 in life, love, work, family, church, finances, etc. and largely thanks to you and CN!!! A big part of healing from narcissistic abuse is educating yourself so you stop repeating the patterns and CL has been a part of my education. I read it just about everyday to remind myself: I’ve been through this, got through it, survived, thrived, and I will do everything in my power to never have relationships with toxic people like this again. Here’s to 2023 CL! Thank you for helping to turn my shit show around to a healthy, boundaries are beautiful, wonderful life! God Bless You and all of CN❤️❤️

Divorced Wine Aunt
Divorced Wine Aunt
1 year ago

If you’d asked me in June of 2020 about the state of my 20-year marriage, I would’ve said we were rock-solid, trusting, and loving (except he’s been working late an awful lot and his drinking has steadily increased over the past year or so).
July of 2020 he called and said he was leaving me. A week later he moved in with the 20-year-old girl he’d been fucking behind my back. (He was 48.)
So in 105 days I: lost my husband, sold my house, my dog died, got divorced, bought my current house, lost my cat, moved, found my cat.
Not two months after D-day I started to hear remarks from trusted friends that I look YOUNGER — and I was still in the throes of grief. Now I understand why. Two months in a row of NOT worrying about how to pay the bills is my longest worry-free stretch of time in twenty years. The dude believed money was infinite. Now I’m debt free except for the mortgage, working towards my bachelor’s degree just for the hell of it, and I’ve achieved new milestones in my day job. Him leaving was like a boat anchor deciding to sever itself.
I’m mostly at Tuesday, except for the occasional dream I have where everything is as it was, and he was the loving, caring, supportive husband I THOUGHT he was. Then I wake up. I’d love to hear others’ ideas on dealing with the subconscious.
But last night I had a dream where I was making out hot ‘n’ heavy with Anthony Bourdain, so those dreams are more than welcome.

MrWonderful’sEx
MrWonderful’sEx
1 year ago

If you find the answer to dealing with the subconscious, do tell. I had a dream the other night that klootzak, who is retired military, was given a nice award thing from his last command to give me for the years I supported his military career and he had gotten it engraved with one of his AP’s initials instead of mine.

TooManyTears
TooManyTears
1 year ago

DWA… love it, yes, we cut loose that anchor!
As far as the dreams, funny just this morning I wrote in my journal… “Hello???
sub conscious??? What else do you have to process ???
I’m done. Duh – Un! “
Because I too, dream at least weekly of the X – it’s maddening.
(I wouldn’t mind a dream with Javier Bardem, however… )
I really have moved on, so I’m not sure why the dreams continue. Maybe someone with more experience can answer.
Keep going with your fabulous new life, and I’m sorry… 20 years old? Let’s take bets on how long that will last. Idiots.

Attie
Attie
1 year ago
Reply to  TooManyTears

Oh God, Javier Bardem. He’s welcome in my dreams any time!

Cuckoo4Karma
Cuckoo4Karma
1 year ago

I wrote a letter in 2016 when I was freshly divorced, having just discovered CL blog and book. I was surprised and delighted to have my letter answered at the time. My topic of interest was “age-appropriate disclosure for kids“. The advice I received was probably the greatest and most unique, valuable piece of advice I got about parenting post-divorce, bar none—which is saying quite a lot because there is so much of value in the CL material.

Kids were in kindergarten and 1st grade at the time. Now they are in 7th and 11th grades. They are thriving. They have as good a relationship with their dad as anyone could have with a basically self-centered, self-important, self-entitled parent. And because they know what’s up with him, they are better equipped than would otherwise be the case to slough off the disappointments and irritations FW dad routinely dishes out—chronic tardiness, controlling parenting style, disengaged with the day-to-day, putting his own pleasures and conveniences first, etc.—while still being able to enjoy his Disneyland-Dad indulgences. Basically, they don’t take the symptoms of FW’s character defects very personally, and they just enjoy whatever it is he can do with them.

As for me, I got a new life. I established and enforced boundaries and financial agreements with FW. I found a new partner in 2017 and discovered what a reciprocal relationship is like. We bought a house together in 2018. I upgraded my career and fully replaced the loss of alimony (plus some) by the time alimony ended in 2020–and I will never again compromise my financial self-agency… I can afford our home on my income alone if I have to.

I stick around partly because I am still coparenting with a FW, which means that I still sometimes have a situation that benefits from CL-style advice. Another reason is that I think I can be helpful. If the whole forum is made up only of newly-minted chumps and people in acute crisis, then I don’t think it would work very well. To be effective, the forum needs to include some old timers, who can speak from their lived experience about what works and what doesn’t. And the longer their track record of “meh”, the better.

Guest
Guest
1 year ago

I was chumped when my ex had a long term affair with a young coworker and walked out on my kids and me. Where am I now? I am in love and happily remarried! My kids have stepsiblings who they adore. Before that, I did some things that were never possible while married to FW, including international travel and getting a dog. I am much less anxious as well. I didn’t realize at the time how anxiety provoking my relationship with the FW was. Sending strength and healing to all chumps, especially the newly chumped.

M
M
1 year ago
Reply to  Guest

Wonderful !

Robert
Robert
1 year ago

Chump Lady you might be the most important person I have been lucky enough to cross paths with. You helped me see that I wasn’t the problem, the problem is unfixable, and that problem was dragging me down beyond my comprehension.

It’s been 5 years since the problem was resolved and at the risk of sounding arrogant I have literally set a world record in my industry because of it and now my business is taking off. Thanks to your advice I cleaned house; ex is gone, unacceptable friends are gone, I was surrounded by narcissists because I was raised by one! I was never going to accomplish anything with all that dead weight dragging me down but thanks to you that’s not a problem any longer!

Thank you!!!!

TooManyTears
TooManyTears
1 year ago

You published my letter back in November- “What Shmoopie thought they were getting VS. what they actually got.”
Where am I now?
Still compiling my list! It grows by the day! Lol
Seriously- I have vowed to make 2023 a year where I DON’T think about those two, what they’re doing, how they’re doing or even relishing the fact that the homewrecker got the best karma ever – him.

TooManyTears
TooManyTears
1 year ago
Reply to  TooManyTears

Wanted to add – that I was having trouble last 2 months accessing this site. I kept getting a “400 request header too large” I missed this so much, I finally had someone look into it for me. I have missed Chump Lady so much, I’m glad to be back. TMT

Daughterofachump
Daughterofachump
1 year ago
Reply to  TooManyTears

TooManyTears and Sandyfeet , I use Firefox and seldom have any problems with the site. If I do, I have Edge and can use it although I prefer not to. AFAIK, Firefox is more secure.

Sandyfeet
Sandyfeet
1 year ago
Reply to  TooManyTears

I get that sometimes on Safari browser, then I go to Chrome and all is well.

To Have and to Withold
To Have and to Withold
1 year ago

I had to dig for it but my original post was: What do I do with the phantom pain of abandonment?

I don’t think there are adequate words to thank Chump Lady and this community for all you have done for me. As others said, coming back here fulfills my desire to help others in this extremely unfair position of betrayal. Also, it helps me to keep my eyes on the road/reality and trust that he sucks.

My update is so positive that I would never have believed it when I sent in my letter. I went scorched earth/no-contact in April 2019. The catalyst was one last manipulative lie to the tune of “you’re not mentally well enough to handle any news, which is why I can’t tell you the truth about the things I’ve done–maybe someday!”

Something about the vicious, unbridled disrespect of that sentiment put me off him for good. There were so many awful things in those 17 years, but I guess you cannot predict the last straw.

Now to the update: I moved to a beautiful city (far away), started a fulfilling and prestigious job, bought my dream home, made new lasting friendships and galvanized the (very dear) ones I had. I often remember that these wonderful things would never have happened if I’d stayed tied to that pair of cement shoes. There was no one bringing me down anymore and making me doubt/hate myself.

I was content with my single life, work, and social group. I didn’t need anything else. Nonetheless, sometimes I would date if I was in the mood. Somehow, in the new city, I managed to find the man who is now my current husband. It is like night and day. He is smart, caring, handsome, kind, funny. Our relationship is HEALTHY, supportive, honest, and irreverant (he was a chump too –as if we need further evidence this happens to the best of people). Compared to the elevator shaft of good feelings that my FW had been, this man makes me a happier, stronger, better person. I learned what love was supposed to be like.

And one last happy update is that I am pregnant and due in March. I never thought I would get to have a family because I was in my mid-thirties when I met my new husband. I guess I learned determination and taking responsibility to work to get where you want to be will pay off. I approached it all like a job. Time, friends, and family saw me through it.

Every chump has value and potential. Someone who betrays you may have terrible opinions about you, but those opinions are not facts. They were designed to keep you off-balance. You get to decide your worth. Happy New Year and New Beginnings, my friends.

MegaMeh
MegaMeh
1 year ago

Congratulations! I too was in my mid-30s when I met my now-husband. I didn’t know if I’d left it too late to have children, but I had my first at 39 and even a total “bonus” second at 44! Nothing in my “past life” holds any meaning for me now, except in some odd way that it was the catalyst that got me to where I am today. Wishing you all the best in your pregnancy and a safe delivery. Nothing else in your life will compare to that…

OHFFS
OHFFS
1 year ago

Congrats. Another CN baby is coming. Wonderful news. 🙂

Looby_Lou
Looby_Lou
1 year ago

I think the last straw is unpredictable and personal too. I kept trying with the co-parenting and the conscious uncoupling until the day my tranquil Sunday evening was disrupted at nil notice by an entirely foreseeable upset with my younger son.

Stella
Stella
1 year ago

Congratulations on your pregnancy! New beginnings indeed!

MightyWarrior
MightyWarrior
1 year ago

I’m 2 years divorced, over 3 years since DDay. I was dumped a few weeks after my father’s death. The manner of the dumping was traumatic. Married 18 years, together 26 years. No children. The ex left me for his ex-girlfriend from school and home town. They had been conducting a long-distance affair (Canada – UK) for the whole of our relationship, emotional and physical, with breaks at regular intervals. The lies told to me were extreme. I was 59, had recently given up a high-profile career as a lawyer and CEO (and had ceased to be a cash cow), and I was blindsided and suicidal. It was grim. The ex in-laws and some mutual friends dropped me immediately, and with hindsight they knew what was coming before I did.

Within 6 months I had found four new roles, two paid, two voluntary. I had achieved the portfolio career I was seeking. I had made new friends through a social media site; women in the same position as me, across a wide geographical spread and age range. We are close, chat via WhatsApp every day, visit each other and give each other a boost when we need one. I was able to buy the ex out of the marital home which I loved. I bought a BMW, with cash (first time in my life) and I love that too. I shed flying monkeys and Switzerland friends. I built new friendships with a few mutual friends but on a different basis – we are friends for reasons unconnected with the ex. I made new friends. And I bought the most wonderful dog who has enriched my life beyond measure. The ex hated animals – a red flag.

Therapy has made much of the difference. I was going twice weekly for two years, and I cannot see me ever stopping once weekly sessions. I was lucky to be matched with a wonderful therapist. She has helped me to do a lot of hard work on myself and it is not easy. As I change, I have to manage uncomfortable feelings by acknowledging them and working with them and through them. I have cried a lot of tears, felt I was drowning in them. But I have reached a place where I am comfortable being single, and am not looking for another relationship.

People say I look ‘well’ and ‘very young’. I will be 63 soon. I feel that I need to work on my fitness because I have lost that over the last 18 months (a ski injury early in 2022 didn’t help). But that’s doable.

I was full of hatred for the ex and exgfOW for so long, it became boring. I pity him now. I can send him loving kindness (on occasion) because he will always be a big part of my history. Meh does not exist for me. 26 years is a long time. Cheating is abuse (and he was abusive in many ways, as well as being a functioning alcoholic). I sold my self short my whole adult life. What happened gave me an opportunity to reset. I would not wish what happened on anyone, except cheaters of course. However, I am now free! Life is mine to live well, and that’s what I am doing. CL and CN were a key part of my rehabilitation (definitely the right word). You have all been part of the therapy. Thank you for that.

To newbies, hang on to the promise of a different, better future.

M
M
1 year ago

I am 7 years out. FW still plays sad sausage with the kids, it’s not working as well with one of them now. His latest relationship went down in flames (no surprise, the leopard never changes its spots). I am re-partnered to a happy person. My nerves are not wonderful, but are better every year.
FW continues to go from one new thing/woman to another. He’s getting too old and ugly to pull the younger arm candy he wants LOL. I am so glad to be free of that evil scheming clown.

ChumpMD
ChumpMD
1 year ago

D-day was in early 2019. Divorce finalized sometime in 2020 during the COVID lockdown. I wouldn’t say I’m at meh yet, but working toward it. I moved to another state, got a job paying more than what I made before and feeling appreciated. Right before D-day, I had felt like I was finally really making strides towards being more organized and relaxed, ready to enjoy the fruits of 10 years of working extra hard to have a nice home and side income stream. When D-day hit, that all went out the window and I feel like I’m starting over with trying to get my “new” old house fixed up the way I like it so I can finish settling in. I’m making progress on my new life each day. I’m still absolutely dumbstruck at how the ex deceived me for so many years.

OHFFS
OHFFS
1 year ago
Reply to  ChumpMD

ChumpMD, I fixed up an old house in order to leave FW. I did much of the work and all the design myself, and I did it to my very particular taste as I only plan on ever leaving here toes up. I get so much satisfaction from looking at how lovely and homey it turned out. So will you, I’m sure. You’ll get over being dumbstruck, too. The knowledge of the deception and betrayal will eventually become tolerable, like background noise that’s always there but isn’t loud enough to disturb you.

Attie
Attie
1 year ago

AH went to a NYE party on 31.12.2009 and never came home again! I thought something was missing – figured we’d lost the cat, but then realized we never had a cat! Anyways, that was the catalyst to for me to push ahead with my own divorce even though he hadn’t cheated until then (the violence was more than enough, of course). I always knew what I had to do to get away from the violent, alcoholic spendthrift, but I also knew I had to do it at my own pace. My divorce went through December 2011. Schmoopie dumped him three years later “because she was afraid he would kill her” and then he picked up with an old school friend from the US, tried to get her a permit for France and when that failed moved back to the US in May 2015 and far, far away from me, thank God! As for me, I did 12 international trips with solos groups pre-pandemic and in Peru met Steve, who was an Englishman living in England. We hit it off so well and him living in England while I live in France was perfect for both of us. I think we had the ideal set up for both of us but sadly Steve died of cancer three years ago. Since then I occasionally go out with a former colleague but seriously, I’m not interested any more. I’m happy with my independence! Four years ago, I came back from a trip to Sicily on the Sunday night and on Monday gave notice of my intention to take early retirement (I hadn’t planned that bit)! And while I knew what I was doing with my own divorce the wisdom I gleaned from CN over the years allowed me to help my oldest son when his wife of 13 years told him she’d “developed feelings for someone else” (turns out it was their wedding photographer)!!!! Anyway, both my kids and little grandson live 30 minutes away from me. I love living in France and FW? He’s now living with latest Schmoopie back in the US, still spending money like it grows on trees and while I hear he has a nice house it’s right under the flight path of a major US airport! Happy new year Chump Nation!

Jan
Jan
1 year ago

HI Chump Lady, you ran my letter from FW, A Million Dollars to Reconcile, through the UBT. And you gave me excellent advice, some which I followed. He did actually end up giving me the million with no conditions after I used some of your, and other fellow chumps arguments (granted I muted the vitriol somewhat lol). I am not considering or attempting reconciliation, I’m at meh. But I am quite well off now, living alone and enjoying it. Thanks for all you do, much respect.

Cam
Cam
1 year ago
Reply to  Jan

YESSSSSSS. I remember your story! So glad to hear this!

DeepGoldenGirl
DeepGoldenGirl
1 year ago
Reply to  Jan

I’m so delighted that you got the money and got out of that situation!

weedfree
weedfree
1 year ago
Reply to  Jan

Jan that is hilarious! Enjoy your cash!

weedfree
weedfree
1 year ago

FW still trying to scam me, gaslighting about finances, through his lawyer and regrettably our 20yo son (who is either a clone or vulnerable to manipulation). But I am free because I understand.
I:
~dont speak to FW at all in person
~only text about our 9yo if absolutely necessary
~am getting divorced March
~am mentally prepared for court for property, and two to three more years of bullshit that comes with that
~have sorted my emotions from relevant facts for purpose of court proceedings
~ have downgraded FW from dangerous psychopath to entitled private school tosser

What has helped me:
ChumpLady
Dr George Simon
Sam Vaknin and Richard Grannon who recently broke up 😳
Robert Torbay and Sophia Bell on Quora
SI
My dv clients who have helped me more than I’ve helped them
HOAC, OHFFS and Katie Pig to name but a few who post here who tell it like it is

InfinityChump
InfinityChump
1 year ago
Reply to  weedfree

I read Robert Torbay and Sophia Bell on Quora daily! I didn’t realize FW was disordered, Googled behaviors which led me to Quora! It doesn’t get any crazier than experiencing FW mirroring the AP! These answers really help me! It has been the most unbelievable thing I’ve ever experienced in my life and I am free now!

OHFFS
OHFFS
1 year ago
Reply to  weedfree

Thank you for saying that, Weedfree. I’m honored.❤ I’m also on Quora, though not much for the last few weeks, but I have times where I’m on there for hours per day. Look me up as Verity Payne and we can follow each other.

KatiePig
KatiePig
1 year ago
Reply to  weedfree

Oh wow, thanks. It means a lot to know I’ve helped someone else. That’s why I keep coming back here. This place and all of you kept me alive when I felt like I could barely breathe, let alone function.

Josh
Josh
1 year ago

In an up and down time.

Negative: getting through the first holiday season and anniversary without my spouse, I didn’t think it would be this hard.

Positive: I’m with my boys, in the best shape in a long time, and one letter shy of getting an interview to enter a master’s program.

MegaMeh
MegaMeh
1 year ago

I love reading about many of your post D-Day lives, so I’ll chip in here too. My letter to CL was published in September 2022 and in it I outlined how many years ago I was newly arrived in the USA from the UK, and finally facing the fact that my then-husband was an abusive cheater. After some particularly egregious episodes of abuse, I filed while he was away (1000s of miles) visiting his parents. He never responded, I got the divorce by default and I never saw or spoke to him or his family ever again. 
I was on my own, with no family or friends, in a foreign (to me) country. But I had a well-paying job, so I put my back into that and tried quickly to save as much money as I could. House prices in my area were very different back then, so I was able to afford a very run down property in a not very good area of town (it’s very different now!). I started the renovations totally on my own. One younger (single male) colleague from work was also doing a solo renovation on his run-down house. He would visit and sometimes help me. I would sometimes visit and help him….
Against everything I had vowed to myself after finalizing the divorce, I did marry this wonderful man a couple of years later. I had my first child at age 39 and my second at 44 (thank you Mother Nature!). We have been married for 35 years and every day I thank the Almighty for where I have landed now. Bizarrely I even occasionally find myself mentally thanking the XFW (now deceased) for all the twists and turns in my life that got me to this place. Right here, right now, this is where I am meant to be and I am very grateful for that.

IDB
IDB
1 year ago

My divorce was final in 2017.

I own a city condo near a lake. It’s perfectly located near several large parks in a very nice part of town. I’ve always wanted to live in this part of the city due to its proximity to the water and parks and now I do! I love that my condo is always clean and orderly. I’ve painted the walls a coral color and have vibrant throw pillows on the most amazing leather couch. I replaced all the lighting fixtures in my home, and they bring me joy every time I flip a switch on. It seems like a small thing – but my marital home that I lived in for 15+ years was a complete disaster and had the worst fixtures. I wasn’t allowed to update anything as “it was fine” by his standards… but I can’t believe how lovely it is to have new fixtures in my new home that I picked out even though the old ones were “fine”. It barely took anytime to do and was worth the little expense. I like having control of my own environment and have pride that I’m maintaining and improving my home.

I’ve also adopted cats! They bring me so much joy and love every day.

I’ve also curated a loving and supportive community of friends and associates. I had good friends from before – and have kept quite a few. The difference is that there’s a lack of chaotic, disrespectful, and disordered people in my life. It would take me many paragraphs to elaborate on that point — but let’s just say, that I am very grateful for all of the amazing humans in my life and the memories I create now with them.

I’m happy. I’m not lonely. Having the opportunity to build my own life without his interference was a blessing in disguise.