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Stupid Cheater Lame Excuses

lame excusesEver need something from a FW? Then you’ve probably witnessed a barrage of nonsense about why they cannot do you this one small solid.

Yesterday, Eve suggested this dynamic could be a Friday Challenge and reported her exchange with “Mr. Fluoride Truther.”

X was also ordered to pay half of son’s medical expenses. I would send X a copy of the bill and request reimbursement. He would drag his feet, stall, ask for the doctor’s report, etc.

The most infuriating was the following exchange after a routine dentist checkup, where X acquired the nickname of Fluoride Truther.

Me: Here is the dentist bill. Please reimburse me for $12.50, which is half of the $25 for the (non-covered) post-cleaning fluoride rinse.

Flouride Truther: No

Me: ???

FT: Fluoride isn’t real. It’s just a made-up gimmick by greedy dentists. And, anyway, it was your choice to give it to him. I will not be paying.

And he did not.

Oh, the unilateral decision-making to renege on mutually agreed-up agreements! We know it well. Oh, you don’t like it? Well that contract is null and void! Did someone trim your child’s hair wrong? Finished! No more obligations for this child! You’ve got clog-dancing that night? Well, that’s more important than taking your mother to chemo.

Also expressed as “Why didn’t you take your mother to chemo?” “The clogs needed exercising.”

This shit is never theirs to own.

It’s completely bananas. But I bet everyone who ever tangled with a FW can give you an example of the lamest excuse to shirk responsibility. Or how the Thing Not Done is really your fault. You chose the Fluoride. What else could they do?

Give CN your silliest fuckwit dodges. And TGIF!

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  • “I never agreed to pay for senior photos!” A whopping sub $100 fee for senior yearbook photos was beyond his scope of parenting. He could order wall size photos of the literal prostitute to decorate his pit but could not spring for actual senior photos (which never got taken). Kids NEVER forget a big one like that.

    “I never agreed to pay for a car repair for our son!” Despite telling our son, several times, to charge it to his credit card—whoops, card declined, over and over, at the dealership. Our son started to cry—18 years old and his father had let him down. His father who that exact day, had bought a prostitute a BMW. But G”d damn was he was not going to be in the hook for our son’s car repair.

    • I am so angry for you and your kids, Faithful Rage. No excuse. Hope he wraps that bmw around a large spiked pole.

    • For your sake, I find it comforting that kids don’t forget this shit. When parents clearly display that they dont give a fuck, you REMEMBER.

      My parents were building a mansion when I was in a vocational nursing program (I wanted to study at a university but I wasn’t worth university dollars). I avoided the 50% fallout rate at my school, graduated and got a really good job. I would be financially independant at 20 yrs old. The one thing I needed was food to last me until my first paycheck. Mom ( who refused to work under any circumstances) said “no”. (sorry for telling that story so many times, but it makes the point)

      • I remember that story Uni, and then you realised that she had bought a $300 mirror instead, that turned out to be PLASTIC. Thee worst.

        • Your kindness in remembering is really appreciated. I wish I could just purge that memory, but after I married well and observably had money (I never told them what my late husbands life insurance payout, but the fact that I have bought my children dwellings and gone to Europe 15 times is a clue) they now seem to like me. Their new-found affection for me is so awkward and uncomfortable I literally squirm at it.

          • in answer to Unicornomore: My father and step-mother are like this too. They always treated my youngest sister like inconvenient dirt, abandoning her financially when she was ill, for example. After years of struggle with no help from them, my sister married a man with a really good income. All of a sudden my step-mother started talking about adopting her, and inviting them both to join her for vacations in the playgrounds of the rich, and my father has put them both down as co-owners of his house so that they won’t have any difficulties inheriting (and incidentally disinheriting the rest of his kids, how convenient!). It is so obvious, and so fake and utilitarian. I am really glad that you are generous with your kids, that the withholding and narcissistic parenting style has ended with your parents’ generation. You rock!!!

      • I can totally relate your experience Unicornomore. I have the same type of mother. She would rather throw her own kids under the buss tisane herself. My mother lives in a mansion on the water in Coronado San Diego CA, and in addition owns 4 rental properties for extra income to pay for her damm house on the water’s property tax. She got the house, by making major unilateral decisions for her self, formed an agriculture C-corp into a real-estate C-corp, traded our family’s farm land, for a nice 4bed 4bath single family house, with a boat dock to hold 2, 50′ boats,…. all to herself. According to SSA, she has worked her 40 quarter units, to qualify for Social Security. By listing herself as President of the corporation, VP, and Executor. She works for herself essentially. And she tells me, “I will never retire!” (pout pout, boo hoo).Meanwhile her 4 children are struggling to keep afloat in todays world.The youngest daughter, gets kidney failure age 32. Right at the time to take the Nursing NCLEX boards.

        Due to a rare autoimmune disease, daughter endures 8.5 years of hemodialysis, staying alive hooked up to a machine by having two, 14 gauge needles, poked into a large vein in her arm, and taped in place. Dialysis (3x a week for 4 hours each treatment, plus recovery time afterwards) keeps daughter an economic prisoner. Barely making ends meet, on SSDI, Daughter does all of the work to stay alive, and finds a kidney transplant hospital out of state, world renown, will transplant daughter much much sooner than California wait times (which are 10-14 years on average) for a kidney. and passes all testing, plus insurance bills, figures out 6 weeks of hospital required aftercare arrangements near the transplant hospital. Daughter asks mother if she, (mother) would put down a credit card number, to hold a reservation, whenever “the call” comes in for a new kidney match. Daughter not asking for money, just a credit card number for a hold. Mother says NO! And throws a fit. It takes 4 hours of arguing, negotiating, insistent demand for all information, and that daughter must first give mother, the hotel breakdown invoice ($3800.00 total including transplant discount). Mother insists that 3 other siblings must chip in and pay the $3800.00 hold. Which is actually zero $0.00! Point is, why the struggle and drama? Answer = mother is grandiose malignant narcissist. And yes, this is how far they can go, plus more! They do not care about anyone but themselves. Even their own offspring. ‘How dare you ask ME! a poor elderly lady, for a credit card number, to ensure your kidney transplant works, and keeps you alive!’.

        • WOA – you could add everything I have together and it wouldn’t come close to mansion in Coronado. That is some serious coin and Im sick that she wouldn’t help your sister with what she needed to get the transplant. Damn, no matter how many of these stories I hear, I can still be shocked.

          My son needed a scan to see if he is cancer had spread (he missed 9 scans in 3 years when he refused to seek care likely from fear). I was able to find a fabulous cancer center that would give him a scan and an appt if he were destitute. Really, he is. I advised he pause his job hunt while we get the scan and I continued to pay his expenses while we got through it. On the child support thread, I shared that I paid his child support as one of those expenses. Honestly, Im not enjoying this phase but I will not throw him and his son under a bus. He starts a job on Monday (seemingly cancer free)

      • I’m so sorry. My mother was the same. Wouldn’t give me a dime for college. Wouldn’t contribute a penny for my wedding, but there a huge fit about the design of the bridesmaid dresses literally 10 minutes before the ceremony (as if I had an option to change anything at that point). And so on and so on. She never worked a day her life herself, and she made me and my sisters do all the cooking and cleaning. I think this sort of thing contributes to us marrying cheaters. We are used to being treated badly. It doesn’t throw up red flags for us. I help my daughters pay for school and encourage them in their dreams, and I notice that both are much quicker than I was to end toxic relationships. I hope they internalize that they are worth more than being treated like a live in maid.

        • Yes. the parenting I was subject to DID contribute to me choosing and staying with an abuser.

          Im gobsmacked that someone who refused to contribute to a wedding would then criticize a detail which was none of her business. When I had my first baby, my mom said she would not but me anything for the baby because she hated that he would be name after other grandpa. It was when I first hit my limit. I decided she could beat her head bloody against a wall if she liked, I would not change my mind. Eventually I started to enjoy my rebellion.

    • He really sucks. To leave a kid alone with a credit card that won’t work.
      Your son won’t forget that!
      You may never find out but know that will come back to haunt him.

    • Did your kiddo ever get his car fixed? My heart is breaking at the thought of an 18 year old alone and crying, I have an 18 year old. I couldn’t imagine leaving him washed up like that.

    • I once screenshot a section of the custody agreement and emailed it to FW because he wasn’t following the orders and his response was “why are you always trying to start fights?”

      • ISTL, how did your head not explode? Like, the “fight” is literally over and this legal document with your signature on it is proof of the outcome. Sorry you don’t like it?! The audacity!

      • What, by asking you to honor and abide by the legal agreement that you consented to by signing?! It really is crazy-making.

    • My ex is a lawyer. I had to do the divorce paperwork, negotiate the agreement. For years afterward, he was constantly threatening to “invoke the contract” for something he wanted if I said no. I don’t think he ever even read it.

  • Son needed tutoring.

    He refused to pay. The schmoopie can do the tutoring! Son trusts her. She was good at school!

    Yeah „loathe“ is the verb son actually used for schmoopie.

    He can’t have a dependable visitation schedule, how’s he supposed to go on vacation?! He has a serious relationship with schmoopie!

    Also he refused to file taxes unless he gets to keep the marital tax benefits for himself. I filed my taxes, he keeps ignoring it. The tax office will take care of that.

  • “I’m not putting her on my insurance. She’s young and young people don’t need insurance.”

    “The house doesn’t need a new roof. You can just throw some tar up there.”

    I am now totally convinced that porn rots the brains of these useless shit piles.

    • I had that too with insurance.

      He called me to tell me the schmoopie doesn’t want the kids on his insurance.
      Health insurance is mandatory w

      • Unchumped, same, AP didn’t want our son on cheaters health insurance. It was only a small amount taken out of cheaters pay each month. Did I mention Cheater is an airline pilot?
        So incredibly selfish and stupid to be listening to his AP regarding his son.
        AP also made our son move out of cheaters home while our son was going to college full time and working full time. . Our son had no other option but to move into the only apartment he could afford in a gang infested neighborhood. I know Cheater wouldn’t live in the same neighborhood years ago because of the crime but it’s okay for his son to live there, knowing the neighborhood had deteriorated even more in the last twenty years.
        . After my son moved AP’s daughter, who is the same age as my son, immediately moved in to live with cheater and AP.
        It’s unbelievable..

        • That’s what I really don’t get.

          I do believe these affair narratives are always delusional.

          However, where’s the kibbles in being bullied around by schmoopie and her parents.

      • Ugh same. Porn rot as well. It was a quick progression. Mine has been on monstrous mode for months now. Last month, he sent spreadsheets to each of my three kids (2 college kids and 1 minor) listing every expense he made for them in the past 12 months, ASKING FOR REIMBURSEMENT. The kids just ignored him (too weird/shocking/painful to deal with) and he emailed them weekly to remind them to settle their amounts due. Un-effing-believable. This dbag has been literally unseen for 18 months, has not picked up the minor for alternating weekends at all, and has the audacity to bill his own children for court-ordered school-related expenses while billing their college funds. And he is a doctor who makes good money. Go figure. What I learned from all this is that no-contact is a beautiful thing. My kids have mastered no-contact and I can see how he simply cannot tolerate it. It makes him act crazy, the mask falls off, and the sociopath comes out for all to see.

    • Cheater and his AP stopped our son’s insurance and refused to pay the small share of the cost for sons contacts. Our son has poor vision and wears glasses with thick lenses..
      Cheater stopped the insurance knowing our son was due to have eye surgery to help correct his poor vision. Cheater said our son’s glasses were good enough to help him see, he’d be okay.
      During this same time Cheater paid for Lasik surgery for himself.
      Priorities..

  • I only asked FW once–once!–to contribute towards our children’s wellbeing. The kids needed glasses, so I took them to the eye doctor, and that eye doctor recommended certain glasses. So I got those glasses but let the kids choose the style. I sent off my first ever invoice to FW for the expense of which he had agreed (in the divorce papers) to pay half of.

    To consolidate the bizarre flurry of texts that followed: I never agreed to this. I was not consulted. These are not the style of glasses I wore as a kid; they should be like mine were no matter what the doctor said. It was irresponsible of you to let the kids pick their glasses; I guess I’m more concerned about being their *parent* and not their *friend*! OW and I talked about it and we are not going to financially support these kinds of decisions. Etc etc.

    I was floored. The amount of vitriol that was returned my way just by asking him for glasses money was, at the time, entirely unexpected. I was sad and nauseous.

    Then I got angry. Was I, the single mom, to face this everytime I reached out to the low-income household for child expenses? I concluded that yes… I could expect this aggressive micromanaging for everything from health expenses to the color of the next winter coat I would buy for one of them. I didn’t want to live the rest of my life like that.

    I can’t recall if he paid up for the glasses or not, but after Glassesgate I never ever asked him for an extra childcare penny ever again. Was it financially hard on me? Sure was. But was I free to do whatever I wanted, get them piano lessons or blue coats or optional tooth cleaning if I wanted with zero panic attacks because he was no longer involved in any of my decisions? Oh heck yes.

    Worth every penny. Never asking him for extra expenses saved my emotional sanity.

    • Just wanted to clarify because I mis-typed.
      “Was I, the single mom, to face this everytime I reached out to the low-income household for child expenses?”
      should have been
      “Was I, the single mom, to face this everytime I reached out to the *two*-income household for child expenses?”

      FW and OW both had jobs and one kid (her’s). I had half a job, two kids, and all the chumpy expenses you could think of. Apologies, was typing too fast and typed “low” instead of “two.”

    • In my state, I can submit invoices for reimbursement to the child support office, and they’ll collect it for me. I have to ask him first, thought. I sent several packets of invoices to him, which he ignored. When enforcement started, he was shocked, shocked! to find out two of our kids have epilepsy. Well, if he’d looked at the invoices….

  • The most bizarre statement he made was during his granddaughter’s therapy. After a year of abandoning her as well as adult children he wanted to reconnect with granddaughter.

    After a discussion of how she maintained her full schedule via texts with everyone his lame blanket statement was, “I don’t know what happened.”

    Guess who wasn’t invited to her high school graduation?

  • COVID started soon after he assaulted me and I filed. He emailed, offering to get groceries for tween and me. I suspected it was an excuse to get me to allow him back to the house, so I responded that would be fine, he could do the shopping and have his friend B leave them on my doorstep. He was outraged, stating that he would never put B’s health and life at risk by asking B to do that. About a week or two later, he emailed “It’s time…” and when I opened the email, it stated that it was time for him to get his bikes, and that B would come inside the house to get them. What happened to risking his friend’s life? And why would B need to come in the house, since the bikes were in the garage? I left them on the porch for pick-up.

  • It was mid January. My son forgot his coat at his dad’s house (dad never checked for things like that). I was going to have our son for five days. I asked ex if he could bring son’s coat to me (30 min drive). He said no. The reason? He “didn’t feel like it” (i.e. it took time away from schmoopie and thus THE SEX). My poor kid was without a winter coat in January. I coat *I* had bought, because FW never bought clothes for our child. Ever. I ended up driving down to ex’s house (technically still our house) to get the coat the next day. Never mind that if our son ever forgot anything at MY house, ex would blame ME. But son forgetting his coat at dad’s? Kid’s fault, so he should suffer and not go outside. I often voluntarily drove things down to ex’s house, like my son’s favorite doll, or medication (something ex never had on hand either, for some reason). But there was never any reciprocity.

    Ugh.

  • “It’s some kind of damned holiday” was the excuse I got when FW was trying to resolve lack of insurance coverage on both our vehicles. It was the only task he was given since the
    cars were still jointly owned and registered at his address. I had already given him my half of cost. He doesn’t know how to use email and is impatient with voice mail prompts. Needless to say, I handled everything else.

  • The crazy nit-picking is why I took certain things related to our commuter college students out of the divorce agreement. It was bad enough before the split, and I knew once we were in the fray with the attorneys that I had to drop that. My attorney also had stories that he shared with me, including a post-divorce college tuition case that he took to the state supreme court. Oh, my. I didn’t want to deal with how he’d scrutinize every class and every book purchase and how he’d dig into every single medical and dental detail. Sure, my finances were rough, but we’d figure it out. I explained the situation to the offspring, and they were 100% in agreement with taking all of that out.

    I can only imagine custody would have been like if they were younger.

  • My ex promised my adult kids that he would never marry again, especially not the younger mistress he left their mom for. No way would he do that!
    ( I did prepare them for that inevitable event at least, so it wasn’t a complete shock when it happened, image management and all that.)
    Well, post retirement he had a federal job with campus housing, which he immediately moved Schmoopie into before the ink was dry on our divorce papers.
    Two of the kids visited( one of two times the whole 4 years he was there) and Schmoop had a rock on her finger, according to my daughter. Their father told them they were not really engaged, they were faking it for the naysayers that didn’t like them living together in the office of young minds being influenced that he was inhabiting.
    IT WAS A FAKE ENGAGEMENT PEOPLE!!!
    Yep, you all know where this one is veering into the ditch of deception.
    3-4 months later he calls all the kids to tell them he is getting married in three days. ( they, thank God above, were not invited) Just can’t control tru wuv I imagine.
    The kicker is the following week he called them all back, really annoyed and hurt that not one of them called to congratulate him!
    Imagine that?! Must of been an oversight. 🤷‍♀️

  • When I found out about skankella. FW denied having sex. They were just friends. I did not believe him. He refused to get tested for an STD. We had an agreement that he would pay any out of pocket costs for getting tested. Since I had the full STD screening the insurance company would not pay for everything. I was billed $250.00. When I gave him the bill. He refused to pay. He denied promising he would pay. Nice if him.
    Not only did I have to go through the embarrassment of getting tested. He refused to pay for it. I should have known better to think he would take responsibility for his shitty choices

  • “Marriage is hard work, and I don’t want to work on it anymore. I won’t get married again.”

    She’s engaged to be married five months after that comment. 🤷‍♂️

    • This really means “I see that I would have to work hard to fix the problems in marriage 1.0. I don’t want to do that. Instead, I’m going to start over with marriage 2.0 that has zero problems.”

      The problem with this thinking, of course, is the magical belief that marriage 2.0 will never amass its own problems; the tragedy is that the person who is unwilling to work on problems in her first marriage is unlikely to work on them in her second marriage.

      • Yes, though I remain optimistic for them for the sake of my boys. But at the same time you know it probably won’t. Such is life.

    • I was told that ex would never marry again, I had turned him off marriage and women forever.

      Guess who got married a week after AP’s divorce was final?
      I must not have been that bad after all…

      Cheaters don’t allow time for reflection on what went wrong in their previous marriage and how they could improve in future relationships. In their minds they do nothing wrong so they have nothing to reflect on.
      No need to work on themselves.
      Any problems in the previous marriage will follow them in their new marriage.

      • Oh AMEN to this!
        “They do nothing wrong, so they have nothing to reflect on. NO NEED TO WORK ON THEMSELVES.”
        This, X one million.

      • It’s funny bc I am the one that says “I will never marry again”. (Though I mean it) I don’t even have an interest in dating. Mind you, I am in the early stages, haven’t even filed yet but that is coming soon. Friends say I may change my mind, but I am 50 and I am convinced I have a bad picker. Not to mention friends younger than me have told me the horror stories. There are more married men on dating sites than single, some admit it and some you have to figure it out on your own. No thank you, I have had enough of cheating in my life, don’t need to become someone else’s OW. . In the meantime, my husband’s AP is 15 years his junior. It grates. Not bc 35/50 is a problematic age gap, she’s 35 not 20. It’s more that men my age, like him, can and will date 35 year olds, so who would I date? Because even men slightly older than me will be going for those younger women. And retirees would be at a whole separate place in life than me. I really can’t help feeling like he waited until I was 50 to do this. I think if this was 10 years ago, I might be more open to dating.

        • My friend’s STBX immediately jumped on multiple dating sites; he states he’s divorced (he isn’t; nothing is final because he is holding things up); that he has some college education (he never finished high school); and that he has no children (he has two, by two women he was with prior to marrying my friend). Yeah, I’d stay away from dating sites….

        • It annoys the hell out that a 50 yo man can and will date a 35 (or younger) woman rather than peers and that they think it makes perfect sense (because why? they look so much younger/fitter than women their age?). Frankly, it annoys me that so many younger women seem happy to date much-older men. I don’t get it.

      • Your last para is spot on.

        In my case I doubt fw gave a second thought to how his marriage with the whore would work. He was going to do whatever the hell he wanted to anyway.

        Her life would have been a whole lot better had she stayed in the alley and took his money and gifts; but she couldn’t because he had an ethics complaint filed against him so she got drug out of the alley.

        I am thankful because if someone had not done that, he likely would have used me for at least one more year, maybe more.

    • Like most FW’s, he likely thinks this one will be different, cause it is just so easy now; you know while the hormones are raging.

      Honestly anyone who gets married quickly after a first marriage is not thinking straight.

      My ex fw married his whore fairly quickly after our D was finalized. And it lasted until his death. However, because we share a son I know how his life went down; so I am so glad that as much as it hurt in real time, I didn’t not have to spend my Golden years with him. FW wouldn’t even buy her health insurance after he retired at about age 50, because it was too expensive. He of course went on to cheat on her, and he got into massive gambling and bankrupted them to the tune of almost three hundred thousand dollars in gambling debts. Which included a 30 thousand dollar lien against their house that he tried to sneak by when my son bought the house. My son assumed the loan anyway, but re did their living arrangement so fw would have to make payments to pay off the lien. Of course he paid some but, skipped out after a short while.

  • About the lamest thing my ex said regarding money (hard choice, long list) was that I should remarry a doctor or lawyer or someone with lots of money, so that I wouldn’t have financial problems whenever he was (constantly) “late” with child support. He did eventually pay, and I know about commissions on sales not being “regular.” I lived with him 20 years with that situation. I am trying to be fair, BUT 1) We were responsible for our kids, not any imaginary potential new spouse, and 2) he always found funds for any new folly like a drunken party or dating a significantly inappropriate new woman. So, I always played the guilt card. It didn’t really change the situation, but it made me feal better. I said, they are your children, and you say you love them. Ask yourself, ask your friends, ask your dad, what is the most important expense we both have? How do I pay for them when I don’t have enough money? He was very concerned with his image, so he would eventually pay up, because he knew I would be vocal if he did not. Keeping me quiet about his failings was more important to him than actually trying to correct his failings.

    I know I was fortunate that he did eventually pay. It doesn’t make him any less lame. It was an uneasy peace, but for the sake of my children peace was better than war.

    • Portia, that’s what my mother had to do with our dad. Work on him until he paid. I was outraged on my mother’s behalf & I never saw him again after I grew up. The last letter he sent years before he died was all sad-sausage about “finally realizing that chasing skirt over my kids was a mistake”. I actually googled “does testosterone make men dumb?” after I read it. There’s studies out there about impulsive bad decision-making with excess/higher testosterone levels. I doubt that was the case with dear old dad, he was just a fuckwit that my mom tried to make a man of.

      • I think many of us have had to resort to ridiculous measures just to keep our children safe, fed, and clothed. I struggled with my pride, but resolved my children were more important.

      • StopTheSap, my mom always used to say that she wondered how children felt about it when the noncustodial parent refused to pay court ordered support. I would guess you’re not the only person who, in these circumstances, never saw the deadbeat parent again after age 18.

        Fortunately, I was over 18 when my parents divorced. My father reneged on a verbal commitment he made to my mom to pay for my last year of college. He told me to get a loan, which I did. I don’t know why I didn’t go NC with him after that. I eventually did five years later, and was NC for twenty years until he died.

    • “He was very concerned with his image…because he knew I would be vocal if he did not. Keeping me quiet about his failings was more important to him than actually trying to correct his failings.” This sounds familiar…

  • As part of our settlement, FW had to pay some stuff in advance of the final decree:
    1. Hotel miles (he was to give me all of them) FW: “Well I planned on using them because I wanted to take Schmoopie on a nice vacation” Chump: ” The miles or a cash equivalent or we go back to a fault-based divorce and your videos will be shown in court (him and Schmoops doing the dirty) and your Schmoopie will be deposed. He actually transferred to hotel points within hours after that.
    2. Cash Settlement: FW: ” I don’t have that kind of cash available to transfer to you” Chump: (pulls out bank statements showing money he transferred to Schmoopie) “Um, yes, you do. You gave this to Schmoops so you can find the cash by tomorrow or we go back to fault based”(same stuff as above). So glad that my lawyer put in the agreement that if he did not comply with all the advance payments, we would revert to fault based and start bringing in the evidence of his adultery as well as working with prosecutors to file perjury charges against him.

    Two weeks ago (his final court ordered transfer of retirement funds) : FW ” Well, you know the market has gone down so I really should not have to give you all this money….” Chump: “This is a court order, you can comply or be in contempt. Your choice. I am more than willing to go back to the court and get some more plus attorney’s fees. Your choice again. FW transferred the retirement funds the next day.

    I just decided not to play his games any more. Thank God that the retirement accounts were the last thing. I would love to say I will never hear from him again but he will no doubt continue to ask me to help him mend fences with our adult son although he knows my stance on it (you broke it, you fix it). Son has zero interest in a relationship with his father at this time (my fault of course).

  • Valentine’s Day toward the end of our marriage and he didn’t get home till near midnight.

    His excuse for not being home: he’d been out with his (male) good friend who was having a hard time romantically!

    His excuse for ignoring my worried calls and texts: the pub, which we went to often and definitely had cell service didn’t have cell service!

    His excuse for not giving my anything: Valentine’s Day is sexist, it’s unfair to men to have to give presents (said after opening my present to him).

    I did not put together that he and his friend were cheating till long after the divorce when he came out to me as bi. All the secretive texting, late night phone calls, choosing him over me on Cupid’s birthday … it finally all made sense!

  • When I filed (because of course I had to), my lawyer advised me to move all of my income to a separate account and give her a small allowance since I paid all bills, mortgage, kids expenses. Being an Uber chump at the time, I gave her half of my income after expenses. My lawyer said I was being too generous. My ex was furious that I took all “her” money.

  • Oh keyboard get ready…. let’s see just recently… won’t give our son a copy of his DD214 so he can apply for a nomination to the Naval Academy. Says it’s his only copy… really, give him a copy. Or how about half of the medical expenses… just won’t pay. He lapsed on dental coverage when retiring, says it’s my fault I took him to the dentist… even though I didn’t know there was a lapse in coverage… my issue to deal with the bill. Umm…AP testing. Won’t help pay for the school testing…total for him $200. Won’t help with school sports, club sports, a vehicle for the kids, letterman jackets… I could go on and on.

    BUT he pays for the affairs…oh I mean wifes kids dance and pagent stuff.

    • Ooooh that is ghastly. To watch parents spend on stupid shit and stiff you is a horrible feeling.

      The fact that mom would buy booze and cigarettes and not tampons for me is a dreaded memory. When the hygiene issue became an emergency, I did learn that they sold tampons at the local liquor store so she could do one-stop-shopping. How convenient

    • Yes, that’s my story too. And I will tell you how it continues on…no contribution to college application fees (x 11 schools), no SATs fees, no graduation fees, yearbook or college deposit. No High School graduation gift. No birthday or Christmas gifts. FW (who makes mid six figures) declared he would not give any funds for state college unless child agreed to drop college sports (which he was recruited for), live at home (at my expense) and go to community college (when accepted into four year universities). Because paying for room and board is a waste (from a man who went to college overseas and paid room and board). Refused to even co-sign a small loan for tuition when child’s federal funds fell short two years later (because the divorce settlement inflated my income that year and disqualified us! Oh the irony). Ex has not been to one college game nor spent any time with kid since graduating HS two years ago. Ex-FW has not contributed one cent to this child since he graduated. I feed, clothe, pay cell phone, health insurance and car insurance, transport to/from college and house our/my child during breaks and help navigate decisions and young adulthood. I have taken on tens of thousands in loans to fund my kids’ education because ex dumped the family right at graduation of the oldest. Right now I’m helping this child build a resume for a professional internship in the summer. At this point, child thinks it’s good riddance to the FW. I can only concur. Moving on.

      I will also let you know that I have TWO in college at the same time and also one younger. Both older kids are on track to graduate and will be able to get good jobs as their fields are in great demand. Oldest was doing volunteer hours at my organization for Honors degree over break. ExFW does not see and pays nothing for the older two. His FW way of saying ‘your alimony should cover it’ or ‘it’s your choice to pay for those (dependent) college kids’. Like I will kick them out. And yes they work on breaks and get decent grades.

      All I can say is that the kids absolutely know who has got their back. Kids grow up eventually and they REMEMBER. So silly of me to think raising kids was a lifelong commitment. Well, it is, but only for me apparently. Still, I have the pleasure of their company, watching them grow up and mature and navigate their futures. They share their lives with me and my life is full and richer because of it. I feel privileged to be their parent and to be able to help. Soon enough they will no longer need me, but maybe they will still want me around. I would not trade my kids for all the money in the world.

  • Most recently “Can he stay with you this weekend, I have a ‘thing’ to do”. Said thing was obviously his most recent girlfriend because their cars were at their house. Unfortunately fuckwit decided to move within 8 blocks of me so I see him more often than I want to. He stated I “forced” him to move when I bought a house that was literally *checks notes* 20 miles away from him. My new husband thinks he’s both pathetic and hilarious but very upset at how this makes our son feel. At least my son has never felt like he was not welcome in his own home with us no matter who might be visiting. One reason I chose my new husband was that when we were first dating, and my ex would figure out that I was dating and just not show up to get his son when it was his time so he could “sabotage” my dating life, he said “No matter what our plans are, your son is always welcome. He’s not an intrusion, he’s family and you come as a package deal.” I knew then he was a keeper. Now our son is a teenager and he “gets it”. He knows where he is welcome and where he is considered just a guest.

    • Ah yes “I have a thing to do”. I know that one. Her name started with M. Like the time he couldn’t take our son on his day because he was “busy at work” but the house alarm log (oh, yeah, I still had the app on my phone) showed he didn’t open the front door til after 10 am, so clearly he wasn’t going to work that day. I never complained because I got extra time with my child.

      And you indeed found a keeper. What a sweet thing for him to say.

      • FW was definitely NOT like your husband. According to letters I found after FW died, he and OW fought sometimes because her ex at least once unceremoniously dropped her kids off to her when it was not her parenting time, spoiling FW’s childfree (i.e. sexy) day. OW’s letter is a very long apology, berating herself for not standing up to her ex and asking how she can make FW feel better and get him to forgive her. Sad really.

      • Yes, I got this last week. Ex didn’t show up to the required joint dinner for my daughter’s 9th birthday. All three kids and me sat there and waited. He called and said he was running late, just start without him. I could hear new girlfriend in the background. Then we sat and waited before cake and presents. And he failed to answer the phone or texts. He finally emailed and said he couldn’t make it because “some things happened. Tell daughter she will have another party tomorrow.” My heart breaks for my girl.

  • Youngest daughter (then 17) gets a short notice opportunity to go to a weekend music festival during Summer 2021 with a school friend; a music festival that is a 5 hour plus drive from where we live. She discusses it over the phone with Ex-Mrs LFTT who says “if your Dad can get you there on the Friday, I’ll drive down on the Sunday PM, pick you and your friend up and drop you both back at your Dad’s house.” So all is agreed, tickets are bought and paid for and I get youngest and her friend to the festival in good time and with all the right camping equipment etc on the Friday.

    Mid-afternoon on the Sunday, the youngest rings me in tears ……. Ex-Mrs LFTT (who had decided to go and visit her mother) had determined that it was too far for her to drive to pick youngest and her friend up, leaving sorting out the mess that she had created to a couple of 17 year olds. The fact that public transport wasn’t an option (the girls checked and it was all booked up) was of no concern to Ex-Mrs LFTT; she saw this all as a “them problem” rather than a “her problem.”

    No prizes for guessing how I spent the rest of my Sunday ……. and no, Ex-Mrs LFTT did not say a word of thanks to me for bailing the two girls out of the situation that she created.

    LFTT

      • FYI,

        It was both cruel and stupid. Cruel because she would have known that by her decision would have ruined the festival experience for both girls and stupid, because who leaves two teenage girls to fend for themselves under circumstances like that? Ex-Mrs LFTT didn’t even have the courage to call me to apologise and ask me to pick the girls up; she left our daughter to make the call instead.

        Sadly, our three children (now 19, 23 and 26 but 11, 16 and 18 when she left us to be with her AP) have all learned the hard way never to rely on their mother for anything.

        LFTT

    • 16 year old lad with limited money put on a train that was BOUND to terminate at Reading and be replaced by a bus. I feel your pain.

  • My ex is a teacher. His excuse for anything that he doesn’t want to do, is always work. Could you collect your son from x at 6:30 pm? I HAVE to work late. There was a fight at school.

    Can you make your daughter’s Christmas play? ‘Sorry, I can’t make it. I need to call a parent about an incident at school.

    I don’t ask any more as I don’t want to listen to lame excuses and if they aren’t lame excuses, his kids come before all of the ones he teaches.

    • I have learned not to listen to the “why”, because it’s either untrue or infuriating. I ask “can you X” and only process the “yes/no” part of the response; I literally let my eyes skip over the rest of the paragraph.

      Actually, I told XW this explicitly (“I don’t need to know why”) but made the mistake of adding “to be honest, I prefer not to know too much about your private life” and XW threw a rod, informing me that she would tell me anything about her life that she wanted to tell me, because she doesn’t take orders from me.

  • Colonel Bamboozle 🤡 claimed that he had to attend an emergency Top Secret military strategy session at Ft Hood over the weekend. The building was so secure that it would NOT allow a cell phone signal to get in or out… but as a precaution Top Brass was also going to collect all cell phones at the door.

    #ApplianceFreeWeekend 🎉 🥂‼️

    • Yes, Major Cheaterpants always had such serious work …even over Thanksgiving even though no one else seems to be there.

      Ironically, my now-husband actually was himself a lower version of “top brass” and DID work in a building so secure that cell phones weren’t allowed. I had to take a step of faith with it all. He, as it turns out, was telling the truth and is trustworthy.

      • You got one of the good ones. 🏆

        This particular trip came up overnight and was one of many questionable and shady adventures.

        In that same chaotic time period, he also told me that he intended to drive his car 10 states away to a garage owned by the Army and kept there while he was deployed for 9 months. Apparently the military has people on the payroll that will insure that the car battery doesn’t go dead and the tires won’t deflate. And you know what? Turns out they do! This particular person assigned to his vehicle turned out to be an attractive 34-year-old Army Captain that reported to him.

  • I minimized the asks… just another opportunity for him to control and abuse me. Now that our youngest is 18 there are even less reasons to have any communications. Haven’t texted/emailed/called or even seen XH in months. It’s amazingly peaceful and I put a premium on freedom from his abuse.

    One of the most infuriating, diminishing things XH said whenever he didn’t want to help carry any of the load of having a family/home/pets was: “I work!” 🤬🤬🤬. I worked too— raising 4 kids, ran a 7-figure real estate development company, practiced law, volunteered at legal aid clinic and the kids’ schools. WTF???!!! so glad I kicked that lazy, lying, cheating, sociopath to the curb.

    • I hate that too. It’s as if I don’t work and he is the saviour of the working world. I work from home, so I can (the majority of the time) make sure that my kids are prioritised, but even when I didn’t work from home, it was the same. And I only ask him on the days he has the kids. I got my new job as it allowed me to work from home, so I could be there for the kids.

      If my daughter has a swimming lesson on a day that he has our kids, she just doesn’t go swimming. Such a waste of money, but I’ve accepted it. It’s the way it is and I don’t fight it as I just end up talking to the wind.

      I am also so glad I no longer have the lazy, lying, cheating, sociopath around.

    • I know, right? I was like wtf, dude.

      After that head-scratcher, I started responding in the OFW emails: “Your refusal to pay a properly documented medical expense has been noted.” He still didn’t pay but it made me feel better.

  • I’ve become convinced that alongside the fact that these douches like continuing to argue because they are living their best lives whenever they have any kind of centrality (“give me that sweet sweet attention”), they also like to get in sniping matches about specifics because it distracts focus away from requirements.

    If I can get you into a logic dispute about whether I *should* have agreed to pay a bill, I can more easily prompt you into reactivity that I can then use to discredit you as hysterical and unreasonable. Then I can use *that* to argue that *you* aren’t keeping the agreement, then leverage *that* to suggest *I* shouldn’t have to keep the agreement.

    It’s an “owning the chump” thing.

    More and more, I’m increasing my ability to look for and cull out things another person is trying to change from a requirement or boundary into a negotiation. This skill is simplifying many complex things. Taking a position of “I’m not interested in your opinions about whether this expense is appropriate. The expense is complete and fits the agreement and I’m sending the receipt and requesting reimbursement per the agreement. If you prefer to violate or challenge the agreement, that’s your choice. I’ll document that and include it in my periodic activity report.” is a great way to halt the chaos on your end.

    Of course, you have no control over cheater chaos You’re likely to get a big ration of shit for refusing to negotiate. That’s more bait. Do not respond to anything that doesn’t explicity require a response per the agreement, says me.

    Opinions are irrelevant when they don’t change anything about the agreement. Put the reactive vitriolic response in the activity report. If a response is truly needed, respond only to the one item that needs a response, and respond like you think your lawyer would respond, says me.

    Cheater exes negotiate like small children. It’s all about what’s not fair and what a hypocrite you are and the validity of your reasons and how unfair it is that they can’t do and have and destroy whatever they want. In children, we can treat these as opportunities for education to help them grow up. In cheater exes, it’s appropriate to ignore them because we aren’t other adults’ parents or advisors and we don’t owe them our energies and time. Get a therapist, Bro.

  • Opened up my family insurance acct online one day to get the shock of my life. Some random female’s name is listed on the account next to all our five family members!?! WTF?!?
    I call FW at work and inquire frantically. He had a very nonplussed tone to his voice, kind of eery now that I think of it.
    “Well, we DO share an apartment together, seems only fair I should pay some of the expenses.”
    That was the final nail in the coffin D-Day. I knew nothing of this woman and we were still all systems go on our move into a bay front retirement home we were excitedly building and dreaming about for the previous seven years. At least that was my view.
    Him? Kept his options open and tossed a coin in the end to see who the big winner of his awesomeness was going to be.
    I couldn’t see at the time how much that coin toss saved my life.
    The universe dreams bigger for us than we do ourselves. A whole lot of things matter more than being fat and comfortable in life, even if struggling through all the hard times is tremendously stressful. It sure is!!
    They head off, onto the greener pastures they’ve spotted in the distance.
    Greener due to the toxic fertilizers applied to the land, while our pastures will thrive in the sunshine growing wild, healthy and abundantly rich.
    The grass being greener is not so infrequently, the poorer option.

    • “The universe dreams bigger for us than we do ourselves.” I like this, I hope it’s true, and I hope I can find the way.

      • It is certainly true for me. I could never have imagined life being this good.

        5 years ago I was a shell of myself, crying every day, losing weight rapidly, angry, miserable, scared, feeling worthless. I thought I’d never be happy again. I’d been abused for over a decade, culminating in FW having an affair. He blamed me for everything.

        It took time and it took work, but I healed from my trauma and found joy again. I realized that I hadn’t even known what happiness was. “Happiness” with FW was just the lack of abuse. Those times between.

        Now I have REAL happiness. The kind that isn’t always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

        Every “disappointment” I’ve experienced has led to something 10X better. I’m in my 40s and am loving life.

  • After 3 years of red tape, I finally had a child support enforcement hearing with my abusive ex-husband. He is an abusive, mentally ill, drug addict who has been representing himself Pro Se for about the past 4 years of continuous litigation.

    Less than 48 hours after he had been arrested for possession of methamphetamine, and while still under the influence of Crystal Meth, we had our Court Hearing and he questioned me on the stand.

    His defense for not paying child support for our 4 minor children was to ask me if I had a car payment. No, I answered. (My 13 year(!) old Kia is paid in full.). Under the influence of methamphetamine psychosis, he argued that our 4 young children and I have no expenses and we should receive no child support.

    When my children are adults, I plan on writing a book to share my experiences with domestic violence and legal abuse.

      • I could write a book.

        It’s been almost a year since my court nightmare ended with the suicide of my ex.

        The peace since then is so wonderful.

        • Wow. Same thing happened to me. 4 1/2 years of lying, cheating, and a divorcy/custody battle where FW sank lower than I ever thought he would (falsely accusing me of all kinds of horrible things to the courts, saying I was mentally ill, that I abused our child, that I was a stalker, that I was sleeping with all FW’s friends, etc.). But we never got to the actual divorce because FW killed himself a few months before our pre-trial hearing.

          The peace is indeed wonderful.

    • >he argued that our 4 young children and I have no expenses and we should receive no child support.

      Please, please tell me the judge told your ex to shove his “logic” up his ass.

  • For context, FW makes 14 times what I make (he is extremely wealthy) and part of the reason for this discrepancy is that I gave up my career to move to his country (where I don’t speak the predominant language) and focused on raising our three kids — until he walked out for his 25 year old intern and left me stuck here. There are certain special expenses that have been pre-negotiated and certain ones that have not. Winter gear (which is essential and can get expensive in this climate) is not. I asked him to contribute to the cost of winter gear for our kids, which is required for school and goes back and forth between houses. I asked for a proportionate contribution (as is the law for special expenses in this country) and rounded up (in his favor) to a 90/10 split. I purchased our youngest son’s snow gear (at a great sale!) and asked if he would send his share of $195. This is what I got:

    “You choose to forget that in addition to me paying 100% of the boys’ school tuitions and activities, 100% of a very long list of “special expenses” (many of which are pretty routine expenses) of the boys, having transferred to you on several occasions a very significant amount of assets on a very-far-from 50-50 asset split basis, paying very significant spousal support to you and paying child support to you that is materially in excess of the actual child-related expenses that you bear, I also contribute at least, if not very likely more, of my share of non-special-expense clothing and other routine items. I never complain about any of this (the iteration above is to set the factual record straight, in light of your many distortions of the truth), yet you frequently write to me about baseless financial complaints. Should I start, as you suggest you do, sending you invoices, for example, for 50% of (eldest son’s) new winter jacket that arrived this week? No, I will not. But I would appreciate, at a very minimum, the common courtesy and decency of you not doing the same to me.

    Further, Please feel free to contact your counsel regarding the 50/50 rule vs. some sort of 90/10 rule. My counsel has made it very clear to me that extraordinary items (such as an optional trip to Japan with school), if agreed to by the two of us, are to be split exactly 50-50.

    My counsel has also made it clear to me that each of us individually pays for and does not seek reimbursement from the other for day-to-day items such as indoor and outdoor clothing, as we have been doing for the past seven years. I have not, nor will I, ask you to split the many such day-to-day items that I have been purchasing and paying for.”

    Eldest son’s jacket, by the way, was positioned to eldest son by his father as a COMBINED GIFT for his SIXTEENTH birthday and Christmas. (What every boy wants – a COAT he would have needed anyway). I offered to pay my 10% of the coat if it was not in fact a GIFT from father to son and I sent him links to explanations of the law about what is covered under special expenses and how these expenses should be split proportionate to income. (He is a lawyer, too, btw, just like his incompetent “counsel”.

    All this blah blah rage blah blah over a $195 request to someone who makes over $2M a year. For a fucking snowsuit for his kid.

  • My ex-h complained about the annual life insurance premium he had to pay. Mind you both of us always had life insurance but this was the first bill he had to pay on his policy post divorce. Since his last birthday put him in a different age bracket his term premium was slightly more and somewhere around $500-600 for the year. He told me he would get a policy through his employer instead. I told him the court docs require you to keep this policy in effect plus policies through employers tend to be even more expensive plus they might require a medical exam. Once I told him I’d let my attorney know if he didn’t pay it, he went online & sent me proof of payment. Thank goodness because he unexpectedly died of a heart attack a few months later.

    • I wish I had gotten insurance on my ex. He was so spiteful I figured he’d live forever just to piss me off. Nope. He killed himself last March and his OW got the life insurance and then bitched about having to pay the back child support from the sale of their house. She also asked me if she could claim my daughter (because my ex could for that year per court order, but they didn’t file before he died) on her taxes so she didn’t have to pay the $3,000 he owed for a signing bonus. Nope sorry… already claimed.

      Sweet sweet karma.

      • I was fortunate that FW had life insurance through his job, and that our son was his beneficiary. And I was fortunate that his first 11 attempts at suicide failed, because he was only JUST past the two year requirement for the insurance payout when he finally completed.

        My son now has a nice nest egg for college, or whatever else he wants to do when he turns 18. And with the SS security survivor benefit being paid monthly (which covers all his expenses), I don’t have to touch that money to provide for him.

  • I’d been taking our daughters to a dentist in a fairly far away town, for 5 years. Took me forever to find her and she is WONDERFUL. I would literally crawl over broken glass to take my kids there.

    Last year, when The X was beating the living shit out of me through the court system and managed to get sole custody of our oldest daughter, Daisy, AND file an emergency order that kept me from having ANY visitation with her, their semi annual dentist appointment was approaching and I mentioned it to The X.

    Nope. He couldn’t take her to the dentist she’d been seeing for the previous 5 years. He’d schedule her to see another dentist.

    Pissed me off, but not surprised. Whatthefuckever, just get her in because she is due for an appointment.

    But, no, that wasn’t enough.

    Out of all the dentists in his town, my town, the next town 40 miles away…. He picks the ONE FUCKING DENTIST I purposely avoided and warned people about because he molested my older daughter while she was under anesthesia 11 years previously. ( yes… he’s still practicing. I went with that daughter to file a police report against him. It took her 6 years to tell me because she didn’t know if it had actually happened or if she dreamed it. Then, when her friend reported her own brother for the sexual abuse he was putting her through, that caused my daughter to talk to me about it. Turned out there were a number of complaints against the dentist, but the county attorney wouldn’t prosecute, because all of the complaints were from young children while under anesthesia and their testimony was too easily questioned.)

    THAT was the dentist he picked to take her to.

    I wanted him dead for just that alone.

    • My kids’ dad called braces an “upper middle class luxury”, and declared that, since he never had braces, the kids didn’t NEED them. Well, yes, the kids did need them, as 2 of the 3 had awful teeth and mouth issues. I fought tooth and nail to ensure good orthodontic care for all of them (although #3 didn’t get theirs until years after they should have).

      Their dad, who never had braces, and had questionable oral hygiene, now has lost more than half his teeth, won’t pay for his own implants, and neglects to wear his dentures. He looks and sounds absolutely awful.

  • Our negotiated agreement includes a joint account for unforeseen expenses (as an entirely separate issue from child support) to which we both deposit $$ monthly in proportion to our respective earnings—as represented on prior year tax return. So, money is already there, saved up, ready and available to spend as it’s needed… I don’t have to go chasing reimbursement for soccer cleats, orthodontia, $$ for school field trips—ever. It’s for work-related childcare, school-related expenses (including school lunch), sports & enrichment activities and related expenses, summer camps, medical expenses not otherwise covered by insurance. I wish every chump’s coparenting agreement had that. It’s called an “above the basics” (ATB) savings account. Enhanced practice of “no contact” is a significant value-add… I don’t have to contact the FW to request reimbursement. I just take the money and document what it was for.

    • I wish wish wish I had known about this. But I somehow feel FW would never have agreed because control is his kink.

  • I came home from parent-teacher conferences one night to find the kitchen flooded and water still forcibly spraying from the faucet, which had a completely soaked towel thrown over it.
    He was sitting in his chair in an adjacent room watching TV. As I waded through the mess to shut off the water at the connector, he hollered out, “You need to call a plumber.”

    • This is so WTF to me. His house is flooding and he just sat there watching TV? Im so glad you never were reliant on him in a life or death emergency. Honey, a tsunami is coming …. Wanna watch CSI?

    • Hahahahaha. Oh god. These guys, I do NOT understand. FW did the same thing. We were no longer living together, and he was in the marital home (I lived with my mom 40 minutes away) and he texts me in a panic one weekend because a pipe in the basement had water pouring out of it (it was the boiler pipe). Clueless, he never thought to shut off the water, just let it pour. He tells ME to find a plumber and then proceeds to get angry that it is taking me so long (it was a SUNDAY). I end up driving down there to a) shut off the damn water and b) deal with the plumber since FW won’t understand what he’s talking about (he never tried to learn).

      We had to get the boiler replaced. I handled 100% of finding a contractor, getting the money, scheduling, etc. FW was furious because the only day they could do the repair was black Friday and he didn’t want his “holiday” ruined (meanwhile, complaining every single day, about the fact that there was no heat in the house). We had to get some asbestos removed from the pipes and FW sat in a chair complaining the whole time the workers were there (even though they were able to fit us in last minute). No gratitude. When the boiler finally was getting replaced, I went over to supervise, and they ended up taking about 2 hours longer than they had originally said. FW calls me raging about the fact that his evening will be spoiled by having workmen in the house. The workmen could hear him cursing me out over the phone. They looked very sympathetic after I hung up and I just said “there’s a reason he’s my ex” and apologized for the fact that they’d have to deal with him.

      When FW finally moved out of our house, it was in such a repulsive state of disrepair, filthy, broken appliances (due to neglect), trash everywhere, yard like a jungle. He had not one iota of responsibility, or pride of ownership. Nothing. My only consolation is I got all of the money from the sale of the home (not a lot), since he died.

  • After the Lying Cheating Loser got fired from his warehouse job, I carried us financially through my work as a housepainter. He “worked with me” which entailed me having to drag him out of bed to get to work. Once there, he would take excessive breaks and generally be as unproductive and surly as possible. Several times a week, I opted to leave him at home rather than have him do the most to make me hate a job I loved.

    The plan was for him to enroll in college on the GI Bill (according to the LCL, he never wanted to do this – I “forced” him). It took a year to get him enrolled, since he sabotaged the process at every turn. But finally the BAH payments began to roll in and he could contribute to the household in a meaningful way.

    Halfway through his spring semester, I asked him about his plans for the summer. He said he would not enroll in summer school – thus halting the BAH payout – because he “needed a break.”

    Meanwhile I’m working 10-hour days, 6 days a week.

    Me: “So you’re gonna paint with me then?”
    Him: “No, not that either.”
    Me: “Well then what? You need to do something!”
    Him: “I might help a little with prepping and painting furniture if it’s here at the house.”

    Thankfully, I came to my senses and dumped him just as the spring semester came to a close. He used part of his last BAH deposit to pay our rent (per our agreement) and I dumped him two weeks later.

    Only, in his mind, I “tricked” him. Had he known I was going to dump him, he wouldn’t have paid rent, but instead left me holding the bag.

    I can’t believe I wasted four years on that manchild.

  • My ex promised to help pay for half of my daughter’s prom dress. After I told him how much it was he informed me, “I’m not helping pay for it because I didn’t get to pick out the dress.”

  • Mine is not child related.

    He picke up the family car after I bought my own (we were legally searated and I could have kept the family car until the D was finalized, but I decided to go ahead and let him have it.).

    Anyway, it was a caddie about four years old or so. He picked it up, no issue I always take care of cars. Two days after he picked it up he came back and said the emblem is missing. I said it was there when you picked it up, otherwise you would have noticed it. (I truly believe it was). He was a police officer, he noticed everything. He said it will cost one hundred dollars to replace. I just said send your complaint to my lawyer, and shut the door in his face. I never heard about it again.

    NOTE: he had moved into an apartment building that was right outside the army base, and I have no doubt it was stolen likely the first night he parked it out in the lot. I kept it in the garage.

    Anyway, I never heard about that emblem again. He knew darn well it was stolen after it was picked up, he was just trying to get a few bucks out of me. Maybe whore wanted another fancy dinner. That shit adds up when your wife is not helping you pay for it. Flaming ass hole. I might have agreed to pay for it, if he had offered to let me jam it up his ass first.

  • “My dorm doesn’t pick up FedEx.” From a 34 year old who had moved into a college dorm, on why I was standing in the bank at 11am trying to refinance the home mortgage into my sole name and the paperwork from him had not been returned, despite return postage being pre-paid/envelope pre-addressed, etc.

    “Then I can simply stop paying the mortgage because you’re legally still responsible.” (Of course I would not have done that, but there was some temptation ….)

    Refinance papers miraculously sent that day.

  • My whole marriage was a fuckwit dodge! I swear he saw marriage as a game to challenge, out maneuver & frustrate his opponent! I was better off divorcing him because he got into image management of “being a great dad”. He actually told the kids he didn’t like doing anything with the kids pre-divorce because “your mom would have to be there too”. According to him, I’m a miserable old cow who rained on his happiness parade. One of my kids said to me after, “but mom you’re so happy when we’re doing stuff”. FW Marriage = Dodgeball

  • A week after his cheating was discovered and our joint mortgage was due, he told me he couldn’t “help me” because he had his own expenses. Not sure how he reasoned that the mortgage in both our names wasn’t one of his expenses, but almost a year later in the divorce process when he finally supplies his documents, I find out those expenses were some groceries and a single, brand new dresser from ikea. Apparently far too costly for him to be able to contribute to the expenses he had amassed with me. And of course his income was significantly higher than mine at the time.

  • A year ago I was in mid-divorce, and ex had moved 5 minutes away. One kid started to feel sick; testing showed my 3 teens and I had COVID. Next day or so, I asked ex if he could drop off a few perishable groceries (milk, bananas). I was following quarantining guidelines as well as I was so exhausted I couldn’t think clearly. Anyway, he replied he wasn’t planning on going to the store. I was flabbergasted. Still am shocked.

  • So I have a special needs patient. Came with mom and dad. Second marriage for mom. I saw the kids from first marriage and they were happy with my care. Unsure if second husband had previous marriage. Kid is very uncooperative. Mom cant or wont brush teeth at home. He needs oral sedation, they wanted to avoid general anesthesia due to his medical issues. So we did a few teeth, went pretty well. The kid needs 2 more sedation visits to finish treatment. Mom comes alone to next sedation visit. We do the treatment. We collect their portion at time of visit. Whomever brings the child is responsible for payment at the time of visit. Mom is asking us to call dad to collect money. They must be newly separated may not have formal agreement for who pays what. We spoke to mom and dad the day before to let them know financial what they owe. So we have done our due diligence. We call dad, he seemed pleasant previously. He says that this was moms choice and what she wanted so hes not paying. WTF? They both came 2 x before and agreed to it. We called and told him amount. When is basic medical and dental care to get a child out of pain a choice? The choice is to get care or be neglectful and have the kid wind up in hospital with a facial swelling getting CPS called on you. We were in shock! Never before in my over 20 yrs have I had that happen! As I said he came across as being a great dad, reasonable at the previous visits.

  • The pathetic excuse given by new-husbands XW for refusing to pay half of college for their only child after D got into a really good school: ( Selfish XW wanted to keep D captive in their small town with a demonstrably shitty university).
    D had done extensive research and submitted applications and had made her decision. The divorce decree stated they would each pay half of an “agreed upon” university and all her mom had to do was way “I dont agree”. The letter of the law ignoring the spirit of the law.

    Her mom never once visited D at school (a drivable distance) but showed up at graduation acting like Mrs Astor since her D graduated from such a good school. XW bought D an ugly piece of diamond jewelry from Tiffany for graduation then told us we needed to add it to our insurance policy.

  • After agreeing in writing to pay for half of our son’s cell phone bill, FW decided he was not going to pay it anymore because I had taken the phone away from son for one day for disciplinary reasons and he “was not going to pay for something that I was in control of.” I told FW to put son’s phone on his plan and he could be in control of it then. FW has never even responded to that suggestion, of course.

  • as we were separating, my university aged son was struggling, and i said to my X, “i think son needs therapy. he’s really struggling with us breaking up. i’m worried about him.” and my X said, irritably, “you’re just trying to make me feel guilty.”

    “no, i’m dealing with what is.”

    “he doesn’t need therapy. therapy is a waste of time.”

    that’s when i knew i was a solo parent. after that, i just parented on my own, got my kid family and individual therapy, and he’s doing fine.

  • I got…I already paid half the school fees. No, you paid half of your half. No, the total is $1,000 and you paid $250 so you owe $250 still. No, I paid half. No, you paid one quarter. Can you please pay the other quarter so our girl can get her school ID and go on her trip? No, I already paid 😡 Do of course I ended up paying $750 of the fees 🥺😫

    • Oops typos! And I also got a “no” to all medical and dental expenses because he said, “that’s what child support is for.” Um, no. And also, he didn’t pay his child support 🙄 You can make this shit up.

    • Husbands XW negotiated a lot of extra support which husband paid. After it was all settled, she then told him that he also needed to pay for private High School or else daughter “will be beaten up by black girls at school” (have we already seen that a fw in one area is often a fw in other areas, so her racism is not a huge shock).

      So from what we discerned, she instructed the private school to add every possible fee. Tuition, books, uniforms, lunches, field trips, school ring, graduation fees (including parent breakfast where they ate the one breakfast that came with the fees. We had to pay more for our breakfast) etc.

      Of course XW said to send her the money but hubby was savvy enough by then to pay the school directly. After D graduated, we had so over paid that they sent a check for $2500 to refund us. Im sure she would have liked to claim our over payment, but that didnt work out for her.

      My kids are Mexican and live in historically black neighborhoods, so step daughter is now getting the life lessons on social equality and justice that she missed growing up.

  • It’s my fault that he has to spend so much in gas to visit his kids.

    Definitely nothing to do with the fact that he moved an hour away from the kids so that his work commute would be shorter. Nah. All my fault. For like… not… uprooting myself and moving closer to him? idk. Logic. Not a fw’s strong suit.

  • The ex presumed that he would keep his long term, long-distance affair with exgfOW secret and that we would jointly and happily petition for divorce when no fault divorce became a thing in England. I discovered the affair and started divorce proceedings immediately, citing his unreasonable behaviour and referencing the affair. This man who wanted to be with his alleged soulmate, then dragged his heels on the finances. He was asked by my lawyer (I refused to deal direct) to respond to emails. His excuses for not doing so, thus forcing me to make court applications, were ridiculous. They were also intended to enhance his image and upset me eg I was on holiday in a remote location, blah blah blah. He was, may still be, a lawyer working in fashion. One excuse was ‘I was in New York for fashion week and couldn’t access email’. Because obviously email doesn’t exist in New York for super important fashionistas in rolled up tight trousers and little jumpers. My immediate thought was ‘you pathetic w*£n+r’. And that continues to be my thought. I’m so glad that I got rid of that PoS within 9 months, by driving forward, not giving him any space to manoeuvre. I didn’t bother arguing with him, and used my energy getting my lawyer to make his life hell. Now, over 3 years out, I have no idea why I ever started a relationship with him. I must have been completely bonkers.

  • Well, my mom isn’t a cheater (that I know of) but my father is currently in the hospital with cancer and days left to live.

    Before being brought to the hospital (by my uncle) my mom didn’t do anything when my dad asked for help and told him to “stop being a martyr.”

    So…there’s that.

  • My ex worked in construction, and he had all the skills for maintaining our home at minimal expense. In spite of that, the house was practically falling down around us–plumbing problems so severe that food from the kitchen sink kept washing up in the bathtub, and electric issues that nearly burned the house down. His reason for fixing nothing? “I do that work all day. I don’t want to come home and do the same thing.”

  • One afternoon, months before D-day, FW backed into our daughter’s new car while racing out of the house. I suspect he was on his way to be with the AP even though he said he was going fishing. Those fish won’t catch themselves.

    Anyhoo, FW kept driving rather than get out of the car, return to the house, fess up and apologize.

    Later, he refused to pay for the repairs. $1k. This was not a large sum for him, so I really don’t get why he wouldn’t cough up the money. He mentioned something about having contributed $2K to the purchase of the car. Not only is that irrelevant but, IMO, it’s not fair to lord that over someone.

    Adult daughter (30s) remains pissed about the incident, even now, 3 years later.

    And he wonders why his kids want nothing to do with him. #clueless #myfault 🙄

  • We were living in D.C. and I was heavily pregnant (do you have any IDEA how hot and humid D.C. is in August)???? Of course I couldn’t have a car because FW took my pension payout from my previous employer (in Switzerland) so that he could have a brand new car, while I got to walk, catch the bus, catch the metro and then walk some more to work. Two second-hand cars didn’t even cross his mind! The baby was due in two weeks but I felt well so actually went into work on a Saturday to do some overtime because he spent money like water. It was August 29 and when I came home from work he asked what was for dinner, although why he couldn’t have made it I don’t know. I told him to give me a minute to rest as I was hot and tired, so he told me not to “pull that pregnancy bullshit”! I went into labour five hours later!

    • “…he told me not to “pull that pregnancy bullshit”! I went into labour five hours later!”

      What a jerk!

      I hope you and your child are doing well now, Attie.

      • I had easy pregnancies so I never pulled “that pregnancy bullshit”. In fact three of my bosses were travelling the week before so I moved four offices total that week. When I pulled him on his comment he actually looked “sheepish”, but me and my bab(ies) are doing great now. They’re 35 and 30 and both live 30 minutes from me here in France while FW is in the US and has seen is 2 year old grandson just once (although I believe he’s coming out again in March)!

    • >he told me not to “pull that pregnancy bullshit”! I went into labour five hours later!

      As the CaptainAwkward community used to say, only someone who went through abuse to could believe that there are partners this awful. [tags: house of evil bees, darth vader boyfriend] I didn’t react sometimes because I couldn’t wrap my mind around some of the mean things he said which made no sense. Shocked incomprehension.

      • I think you’re right Chumpkins. I knew his treatment of me wasn’t normal but I think it’s only when you say it out loud to someone else and see their reaction that it begins to get driven home!

    • What a mother fucker. All these stories just kill me. it’s just amazing the shit I took for so long. He wanted all-the-things but then blamed me for working too much. uh, how do you think we get all-the-things, dude. God, I cannot wait to get this divorce finalized.

  • Please have more topics like this. It helps me so much to kniw i am not alome. My ex is a master at this particular area and this truly hits home for my situation, and boy do I have stories just like the ones shared here in the comments. These cheaters are all the SAME. It amazes me.

  • I don’t have any kid-related ones since the timing to have children with him didn’t happen but here are some gems from my experience:
    * [he got caught watching porn from his harddrive full of it on his work computer, and he worked for Federal govt] “InnocenceLost put a porn blocker on my computer so I had to use my work one”. That was one time I was able to call him out on throwing me under the bus in almost real time.
    * ‘I don’t know what “couple” versus “several” means’ when talking infidelity numbers in therapy (he’s Puerto Rican so I got caught up in semantics vs the real issue)
    * “But AF was physically abused by her husband” (…implying that was why he was sexing her)
    * “I thought I was a good guy because I don’t drink so I don’t become an alcoholic”
    * ” I shouldn’t have to sacrifice for a relationship”

  • My ex-FW, Slacker Boy, kept delaying the divorce with one ridiculous demand after another until he conveniently hit that ten-year timeline to be vested, insisting on a certain date. Since he could never remember when our anniversary was, I was ready to accept a date a few days short until he realized it and changed his demand to the correct date. I accused him of doing it deliberately, and he admitted it with his trademark lack of shame or grace: “It would never have occurred to me to drag out the proceedings long enough to collect on your Social Security if YOU hadn’t waited until it was possible!” He claimed his doctor had advised him to do it in order to get Medicare instead of Medicaid (in his words “sh*tty care”) when he reaches that age. So it’s entirely my fault and his doctor’s, not his.

    (I did get him to sign away all claim to my government pension, which is worth a lot more than he ever realized.)

    • My FW paid me about half of what I could have gotten to waive his pension, (in the form of a small, one bedroom paid off house) but I did it because I had to have something to start a new life on. He also waived mine, but he wouldn’t have gotten much as I had only been working for DoD for three years when he dumped me for the whore.

      He worked for the Police Department so he didn’t pay into SS. I did and had he not remarried he could have drawn on mine when he became old enough, but luckily he married the whore. She quit working as soon as he married her (she was 37, so she never finished all her contributions. She only gets a small SS check, and he made her sign away her rights to a pension from his work.

      Him drawing on my SS wouldn’t have affected mine, but I still am glad he couldn’t.

  • About walking the dog, which FW never did, but I made the mistake of asking him to do it one night while we were still married…

    Me: Will you walk Charlie?

    FW: No, because he doesn’t even like his walks.

    WTF? You couldn’t think of anything better than that? There’s never been a dog in the history of planet Earth who hasn’t loved walks, and of course Charlie was no exception. But the worst part, FW was victim-blaming the dog!

    So glad to be away from the insanity.

    • Poor dog. Pups are proud as punch to be out and about with their loved ones. I guess that is one reason dogs are better than fw’s.

    • Victim blaming the dog, lol! Unreal, right?
      My FW never walked our dogs in all the decades that we had dogs, it was always just me or he may rarely come out for a walk, only if I was doing the walking, never just him.
      Kind of burned me when I saw a text to his schmoopie that read, “ oh please, can I walk the girls when I get there?!” She had two labs that were like her children and he acted all twitterpated to see them when I can bet you fully he didn’t care about those dogs any more than he did ours. They will play any starring role they need to until they get what they want out of you, then they can give up the game.
      They are pretty believable con men, that sure is a skill they possess. Dog lovers? Not so much.

  • I’m reminded of another of the FW’s brilliant excuses. He was 46. Off work on a Friday afternoon, he said he would mow the back lawn. Mowing the small lawns was one of the four household tasks he did. The others were managing the dishwasher (a classic FW task), doing the grocery shop (when he communicated with OW), and literally throwing a bucket of water over the car to ‘wash’ it. I arrived home from my CEO role at about 7:15 in the evening. FW is snuggled on the sofa with a nearly empty bottle of red next to him, grinning away as he watches the 2012 Olympics Opening Ceremony on TV. I was surprised (not least because he refused to consider applying for Olympics tickets – we live in London). I asked ‘have you cut the lawn’. He smirked and said ‘no, there’s a chicken in the garden’. There was indeed a chicken in the garden and it had dug up all my carefully planted bedding while he got drunk. I arranged for collection by the farmer and the chicken speedily returned home. I should have swapped FW for the chicken because the chicken would have been a better bet in every way.

  • the ow stalking u is not my problem
    ii cant be expected to provide for my kids
    dont expect me to help u
    im nice to people when i want to be
    shes always nice to me, the ow, that is, i get the verbal physical abuse, i have crime numbers against her
    some women i n have sti s, but not hiv
    i wasnt going to leave you

  • FW was ordered to provide health insurance for kids, and pay all medical expenses. He dropped them from his insurance. I added them to mine, and then he refused to pay any of their expenses, even halve them with me, because he didn’t “want to contribute to fulfilling a deductible” that wasn’t his.

  • He wouldn’t file an insurance claim for a small auto mishap our daughter had because it would increase his rates, but he got a Vespa for his birthday a few weeks later. If I had a nickel for every time he’s said he cannot possibly help our children, I’d be able to travel as much as he does: Cabo, Belize, BVI, Las Vegas, NYC, Africa…

  • FW tried to get out of his promise to give me the equity in our family home by saying he “couldn’t remember” making that promise, as if anyone would forget such a thing. His excuse; “We didn’t write it down! It’s not binding if it isn’t written down!” Well, actually, a verbal promise is legally binding in our jurisdiction, but his claim was bullshit, because in fact it had been written down and notarized. I threatened to take him to court, said that I would bring out all his dirty little secrets in the courtroom. That shut him up and he backed down.
    Lots of others. But meh. I would rather read other chump’s stories.

    • Three for one, OHFFS! “Stupid, Lame Excuses,” “Things FWs ‘Forgot’” and “Promises FWs Broke.”

  • A couple of classic excuses from my ex-wife. After taking her lover to meet my fifteen-year-old daughter at Brighton Pride, at a time when I had no idea that he even existed, she told me:

    “Well you didn’t want to go and I had a spare ticket!”

    And,

    “Well, they would have met eventually anyway!”

  • “I didn’t provide the agreed monthly amount for the mortgage payment because for some reason I couldn’t get my bank account to transfer money to PayPal.” (me: why didn’t you tell me that so we could figure out an alternative?) *crickets* (me: we can set it up so you can transfer directly from your bank account to mine) “You know I can’t do that, I would need information like the account number and routing number!” (me: I already provided that and set it up for you) “I am not under any Court Order to pay you a dime, and never have been!” (me: this isn’t alimony, it’s paying half the mortgage loan with your name on it)

  • FW, when reminded he owes for his half of the accumulated home repairs and medical bills for his kids, from the last nearly two years (as he refused to settle the terms the divorce), advised he “already pays for that. I asked him how he believed this was so, as the judge ordered us to split these expenses. His reply, “I give you my money every month.” Yeah, moron, it’s called spousal and child support…You STILL owe your half of the extra expenses.

    Of course, he still expects me to have the house appraised and pay him full value for “his half…”

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