Dear Chump Lady,
So, I finally left my FW husband of 27 years after enduring two years of mindfuckery after I learned of a series of affairs and his spending thousands of dollars on all kinds of nonsense. (Nevermind the entire marriage being filled with all kinds of other abusive treatment).
In end, he was forced to settle and needless to say, he was very displeased. Part of the immediate deal was for him to immediately transfer half the cash in his bank account.
When he didn’t send the money for a few days, I reminded him of the agreement and he sent the money, but he also sent this series of self righteous texts that the UBT might want to snack on?
Note: the “kids” are all grown and in their twenties and he has a very high-paying job, if he can keep from getting fired for sleeping with direct reports…
Here is the text:
Ha. You’re like the mafia. Settle yourself down. Don’t need your help. I was not given time — I allowed it. I acquire no debt. I took care of everything. I built an empire over decades (all lawyers — I had like 8 of them from their own turnover were shocked with what I built and what I accomplished) that you dismantled in days. I can work in the grocery store at night now to begin rebuild) I have no hubris. My children shall win. Not your lawyer’s. I need no explanations from you. I don’t need your permission or allowance to let it slide. I am not in your control nor required to listen to lectures. Take your money and be happy. The kids and I will be just fine. Shit, if you need more, just ask. I will always give to you. No explanations, no contracts, no repayment. I just will. You are my family to me. Hell, I won’t tell you what to do with your money or life, that’s you. But, if you ask, I’ll be there. Always. I labor for you and the kids. I know no other way.
Money ain’t shit. Search for love. Real love. In your heart. That legal part is done. Be good. Righteous ain’t good. You have way too many sweet characteristics to fall short. You are too damn good of a woman. A damn good woman.
I like me. A lot. 😍.
They don’t make ‘em like me too often. Rare breed. Your boys are like me. I pray my daughters marry someone like me every night and pray every night that my sons won’t marry at all.
You are a great mom and a great woman. Fear is your enemy. I love you. You are desired. Always. We are lucky people. The world is good. Don’t resent. Don’t turn your nose up on my grave – that burden is too great. Let it go and love with all your heart.
Gosh, who doesn’t love validation from a fuckwit? You’re a sweet, rare breed! Like a sugar candy narwhale.
I think someone’s still carrying a torch.
♫ And I-I-I-ayyy will always love YOU-oooh-oooh ♫
What a bitter little harridan you are expecting a divorce settlement.
Alas, lebkuchen season is past, but I think I can still persuade the Universal Bullshit Translator to kick into gear with
a good flogging some encouragement.
Ha. You’re like the mafia.
And yet here I am with intact kneecaps, and not at the bottom of a New Jersey river. Oh merciful one.
Settle yourself down.
Don’t get your bowels in an uproar.
Don’t need your help. I was not given time — I allowed it.
These consequences… they were all my idea.
I acquire no debt. I took care of everything. I built an empire over decades (all lawyers — I had like 8 of them from their own turnover were shocked with what I built and what I accomplished) that you dismantled in days.
“My name is Ozymandias, king of kings: Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!”
I had 8 lawyers quit me because they were so impressed by my
I can work in the grocery store at night now to begin rebuild) I have no hubris.
Behold my new empire — arranging soup cans.
My children shall win. Not your lawyers.
I need no explanations from you.
I accept my stock boy fate.
I don’t need your permission or allowance to let it slide. I am not in your control nor required to listen to lectures.
You’re not the boss of me! I am not in your control. I’m paying this divorce settlement by my own free will because I like family law judges.
Take your money and be happy. The kids and I will be just fine.
Huddled together, stocking shelves…
I will be just fine. I have my soup cans to comfort me.
Shit, if you need more, just ask. I will always give to you. No explanations, no contracts, no repayment. I just will. You are my family to me.
Don’t you need something from me? Is there anything I can dangle to get you to dance? Why the lawyers? You are my wife appliance. No contracts, no payment.
Hell, I won’t tell you what to do with your money or life, that’s you. But, if you ask, I’ll be there. Always. I labor for you and the kids. I know no other way.
I’ll be there. If I’m not fucking a subordinate. Or buying an escort a new set of boobs. I labor for you and the kids and a phalanx of strippers. I know no other way.
Money ain’t shit. Search for love. Real love. In your heart.
Real love. In singles. Stuffed in a g-string.
That legal part is done. Be good. Righteous ain’t good. You have way too many sweet characteristics to fall short. You are too damn good of a woman. A damn good woman.
A damn good wife appliance is like a fine whiskey. Malted, peaty, with just the right amount of subservience.
I like me. A lot. 😍.
I like being a broke-ass serial cheater. A lot.💩
They don’t make ‘em like me too often. Rare breed.
Common as dirt. Stamped out at the fuckwit tool and die.
Your boys are like me.
My boys are an extension of me. I have no idea who they really are. What’s my left forearm majoring in? I have no idea.
I pray my daughters marry someone like me every night
Just a little prayer I say. Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray my daughters marry creeps.
and pray every night that my sons won’t marry at all.
Who needs grandchildren? Save your money for the gentleman’s club, Junior! Don’t give it to lawyers or gold-digger wives. Spend it on Bambi. #reallove
You are a great mom and a great woman.
In that lecturing, money-grubbing, annihilating way.
Fear is your enemy.
I am your enemy. But I’m certain you’re so dazzled by my charm that you’ll never suspect my true motives. #bringmemy9thlawyer
I love you. You are desired. Always.
I love me. Desire me. Always. 😍
We are lucky people. The world is good. Don’t resent.
I feel unfortunate. The world is shit. I resent you. This is all your fault.
Don’t turn your nose up on my grave – that burden is too great.
Piss on it. Relieve your bladder.
(Oh sorry, that was the UBT acting up.)
I imagine my centrality will be a lifelong burden for you. I imagine you visiting my grave. Let me tell you how to visit my grave. Don’t hold your nose at that angle. Do not wear green. (You look terrible in green.) Lay snacks at my headstone. Have a picnic. With the good china. Invite our brokenhearted children, if they can pull themselves away from their cheating husbands or attendant strippers. Don’t weep. I’ve gone to that Piggly Wiggly in the sky, to labor, for eternity.
Let it go and love with all your heart.
Let it go. Take my money. Bankrupt me with all your heart.
Thank you KB for sharing all three channels of mindfuckery (rage, charm, self-pity) with CN. Godspeed on that settlement. I’m sure your heart will go on.
“I am neanderthal. Write like cave man. You bad. Me good. Uga uga uga”
What the fuck? That FW’s a lawyer and writes like that?
Good riddance. Thank goodness you’re free of him.
“I am neanderthal. Write like caveman. You bad. Me good. Uga uga uga.”
That was brilliant.
Yeah, it started to seem like a freaky free word association beat poem toward the end. I think he is more unglued than he lets on.
That was the purest example of “masked dependency” I’ve ever seen outside of a Tennessee Williams play.
“KB bad. Don’t need KB. KB go ‘way take toys. I hate KB. Where KB? KAYBEEEEEEEEE. Sniff. I okay without KB. I big boy. Where KB? KB good. KB bad. KAYBEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE…”
You and MichelleShocked take the prize !😂🤣😂
I got KD’s alias wrong. Sorry.
Perhaps a little ADHD, narcissism, thumb sucking, temper tantrums allow his ego to assume that what he wrote makes sense. And he is going to stock shelves. Where did that grocery store rant come from!? Throw in a little “Mommy, Mommy, Mommy and there you are.
For some reason this reminds me of a supervisor that used to be in our building. She was a short woman so she wore the tallest platform heels I have ever seen. She screamed and yelled and acted like a jack ass every day until she got fired. I told my coworker that one of these days she was going to stomp too hard and go up in a puff of smoke like Rumpelstiltskin.
I think “I’m going to stock shelves” might be some weird equivalent to “I’m going to live in a box after you ruin me financially.”
But who knows what he meant, as he certainly sounds deranged.
eirene, I just remembered a song I learned as a child.
“Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, I’m gonna go eat worms!”
There’s more to it, but I can’t remember the rest of the lyrics.
“…Big fat juicy ones, long skinny slimy ones, my how they do squirm!”
“Big fat juicy ones, Long thin slimy ones. Going to the garden to eat some worms. Down goes the first one, done goes the second one, down goes the third little worm. Big fat juicy ones , long thin slimy ones, Going to garden to eat some worms. Up comes the first one. Up comes the second one, Up comes the third little worm. Big fat juicy ones, long thin slimy ones going to the garden to eat more worms.” My British warbride grandmother taught it to me. I sang this song for years because she hated worms. Yet she taught it to me. Miss her something fierce. Thanks for reminding of it.
MS my ex is a lawyer and the dross he sent me post separation made me conclude he had gone insane. One sentence was along the lines of “this (me not agreeing to be swindled further) will cause so much resentment, and resentment is a compounding emotion”.
Lawyers like most professions have scripts, so you dont have to be intelligent or good at communicating ~you just have to learn the code.
What kept running through my mind was this.
(Tazmanian Devil “What for you bury me in the cold cold ground?”
Very cave man…I thought of Tarzan. Me Tarzan, you Jane!
This had me laughing out loud at 6:30 am… classic!!
Huddled together, stocking shelves…
I will be just fine. I have my soup cans to comfort me.
I’ve been a trial lawyer for 32 years and was lucky enough to be mentored by some legends. They all led with humility: it was their sword and their shield. One, who recovered hundreds of millions for victims of negligence, fraud, and various predatory schemes and was internationally famous for it, had exactly one certificate in the wall of his modest office: his 1965 high school certificate for completion of his driver’s education course. His character and achievement spoke for themselves. Braggarts like this cheater, on the other hand, are a dime a dozen in the field, and they usually end up bankrupt, alone, and defending themselves in lots of lawsuits, usually with little success. One I knew (who took lots of steroids along the way) will be in federal prison for another couple of decades for a profoundly stupid scheme to bribe judges. KD and her children will be AOK and much better for leaving this pop-dick blow hard behind them.
My divorce attorney was like that (now retired). He was the son of an appeals judge and was on all the top lawyer lists, but what got me was how he behaved at a Second Saturday Seminar. I checked in with a very friendly older lady (his wife, I later found out), and then there was a white-haired man in the conference room bringing in chairs and handing out water bottles and kleenex. He had a dress shirt and tie on, but no suit jacket like attorneys who spoke. I assumed that he was a paralegal or something. During a break, I asked the woman next to me who he was because he had a certain presence. She said he was the founder of the firm and the managing partner!
I interviewed five, but he was the one. When I asked him about his values when he looked at a case, he said politeness, ethics, and legal correctness. He asked the same of me, and I said I wanted to divorce with dignity, fairness, and reasonableness. He liked that answer. I retained him and not once regretted that.
Oof, so many sentence fragments.
Notice how the fragments and bad grammar seem to peak around the biggest lies.
I hate the assumption that his daughters will marry. No, no, no. They don’t have to marry anyone.
What got me is that they should but the sons shouldn’t. Uhhhhh
At first he writes “your boys” and “my daughters.” Yikes. Feminist advocate Prof. John Stoltenberg wrote about the intrasexual competitiveness of abusive men, that they even see their own sons as rivals. He points out that, statistically, the risk of assault to pregnant woman and fetal injuries and deaths in the course of domestic violence rise when the sex of the fetus is known to be male.
From that perspective, you could interpret it that he wants his daughters to be his chattel (marry him) and his sons to be eunuchs (removed from the mating and breeding competition).
Very interesting. I hadn’t grasped the reality of that in my case.
My son (the oldest) was a commuter college student when his dad took off. Looking back, I believe he was a threat to my ex. They had been clashing more, and my ex complained that our son was “disobedient and disrespectful.” From my perspective, my son expressed alternate viewpoints in a calm, measured way as an adult. He’s still that way.
My daughter (the younger one) went no contact almost right away and later shared some disturbing stories about her father that crossed the line. Enough said there. Thankfully, he never pressed for temporary visitation, and they were both over eighteen during the divorce process.
My ex also told me that being in this area was highly triggering and that he’d never be back once he got his stuff. His attorney also mentioned to mine that his client seemed to have an “unnatural fear” of coming back here for any in-person court dates. We used that to our advantage (of course).
I’m so glad you broke out. I have a feeling that what your kids experienced is more common than most would like to think. One day some brave group of researchers is going to defy the unstated censorship from the cheater-ridden powers-that-be and look at the obvious: the link between marital infidelity and emotional incest/incest of children. That will come after the statistical association between infidelity and domestic abuse/violence is finally acknowledged so no one should hold their breath.
I would imagine it’s sort of an axiom that a hetero incestuous parent would view a same-sex child as a rival in those dynamics. I suspect there’s also a degree of incestuousness in parents that treat opposite sex children with the kind of hostility that would normally be reserved for an adult enemy. That was how a former boss who was later multiply accused of raping teenage girls behaved. He had boy-girl twins, treated his daughter terribly (while cheating on and abusing the mom) and groomed his son as a kind of “flying monkey.” Go figure. Some rapey types may simply direct hatred against a child of their preferred gender as a stopgap against their own impulses to rape the child. Interestingly, this boss’s adult son from a previous marriage publicly sided with his father’s accusers and described how his father had groomed and raped a childhood friend of the son’s. It seems this boss had “use” for his sons as lures. It all still fits a pattern of adults using children in age-inappropriate ways for their own gratification.
Stoltenberg wrote something about how even the male fetus symbolizes a rival penis to abusive men. As a former advocate for DV survivors and just from the personal experience of street harassment, I started to agree with my mother’s novel take that the really insulting thing about misogyny is that we’re not even the main targets of the hatred, more like footballs in an eternal war between certain types of men for sexual dominance. Maybe it starts with some disordered men’s feelings towards their own male role models/fathers. So when some goon is bellowing sexual remarks to some woman on the street, the real target may not be her. The aim is that she’ll run back to her “owners”– dad, boyfriend, husband– and cry about the harassment and that her “owners” will feel thwarted and threatened and as if their “property” has been trespassed upon. People who vandalize may not hate the inanimate object they’re vandalizing after all.
What lends weight to the idea is that men kill men at 7 to 8 times the rate they kill women and also that, when children– not just fetuses– are injured and killed within domestic violence situations, they’re far more likely to be male.
None of this is to say that women can’t be abusive FWs but violence statistics are more trackable when looking for patterns and motives and women tend to be statistically less violent in their abuse. My MIL was grossly emotionally incestuous and treated other woman like bitter rivals but her expressions of it were all underhanded, passive-aggressive and sneaky. She also seemed to be a twisted “agent of patriarchy” in that her attacks on other woman were all about “policing” femininity, sexuality, attractiveness, etc. I also sensed that her weird need to be the center of all male attention was a way of groveling for amnesty from male violence, something she probably developed in response to childhood trauma. Since she groomed her son to be a cheater (maybe to ensure he never brought home a permanent rival or as her revenge against other women), maybe that’s another way that domestic violence and family histories of sexual abuse relate to cheating.
We could wring this grisly subject out forever and still come up with more thoughts on it.
With regard to emotional incest:
My Cheaters tactic of making me his Whipping-person and blaming me for any and all life inconveniences had the result of making him eventually not like me at all (who would like or love a person who brought all of life’s miseries to you?).
He likely eventually got lonely since he banished me from his heart so he brought our teen daughter into his world to be my substitute. I tended the home, worked the budget and had sex with him. She was his buddy and best friend.
After he died, she said that she feared that she would never again find a relationship like that one. I hope she doesnt, it was fucked up.
He seems to have delusions of being James Joyce, as if this is some kind of traditional epic poem.
When the gaslighter has huffed a little too much of the product, caveman sentences are all that are left. Seriously, sounds like he dissipated marital assets in substances while fucking strippers in canned vegetable aisle.
How misogynistic do you have to be to wish this shit for your daughters (and fucking strange for sons)?
This guy sounds completely unhinged and almost completely incoherent.
I am glad she got out of there.
Imagine hoping your own daughters would marry an abuser like this. Ick.
This is all I could discern, other than the length of the thing is probably correlated to his rage and having to pony up his money.
This guy is so far up his own assh*le it’s a wonder that he hasn’t disappeared.
Wow, I guess he is not getting enough kibble at work. He is just sooo central and amazing (not). In the end, I guess he is just an average everyday Fuckwit. They always think they are all powerful and super special. Hopefully KB raised her kids not to be like him. As for the daughters, based on what they have seen, hopefully they will stay away from abusive FWs like him.
KB, I hope you got your settlement and do not need any more contact with the cheater. NC will give you peace and healing. Enjoy your life away from this turd.
“ What’s my left forearm majoring in? I have no idea.”
This says it all.
“Here, punch me right here in my stomach. Go ahead.” “Ha – it doesn’t even hurt”. He’s a caricature.
“My children shall win. Not your lawyer’s.”
KD’s lawyer’s children are involved? Wow, this IS a complex case.
This guy doesn’t know jack about love or the possessive case.
FYI, your comment made my day! #endapostropheabuse
And of course if he really meant that possessive case and was speaking in the plural, it would be “not your lawyers’.”
Adelante, you’re giving the guy too much credit. I am certain he doesnt even think about apostrophe’s.
LOVE that she dismantled his empire in days, almost as if she were a conquering army. Mighty
“I pray my daughters marry someone like me every night and pray every night that my sons won’t marry at all.” Wow!😳
Too bad there is only one of him to go around. It’s a tough task to satisfy as many women as he possibly can with just that one impressive dick of his he’s swinging around and all those damn shelves still left to stock. (Both thankless jobs for someone of his great magnanimousity! )
That letter belongs in the dictionary alongside the definition for “ malignant narcissist”, or perhaps it could be of use in some 6th grade English class, demonstrating utter and complete grammatical illiteracy.
It almost seems like someone wrote it as some sort of a joke and couldn’t possibly be serious. But I sure know that it is, I was married for 38 years to one. They are roaming out there in droves!! Maybe the issue might be that his head has swelled up so large, it’s now completely cut off circulation to any functioning brain regions.
KD, it’s so painful and grueling a road travel down, we all know that too well. I’m sorry the only way out is through for you too, we are not looking for any more members to such a club!
Hang with us for awhile, we’ve got your back and we get it.
You are going to be okay, I can promise you that. The overwhelming peace you will experience after the shit storm has passed on by, will be a shocking revelation to you. It was for me.
He isn’t changing for anyone else either, his pockets will always be overflowing with the drama, chaos and delusional entitlement he carries with him every single day. It’s sad, but true.
Leave that Piggly Wiggly in the deep muck of the life he’s created for himself. Preferably, in a really distant pen.
( “ huddled together, stocking shelves”, that one got me too, the visual is too hilarious, lol!) Awesome job UBT! 🤖👍😂🤣😂
Chumpasaurus45, I find myself wondering if the FW was high when he wrote this. It’s just so rambling, disjointed, and illogical.
Ok that made so little sense and was all over the place I honestly wonder if he was either drunk or typing that message with his non-dominant hand while putting money in a stripper’s underwear with the other. What the actual fuck was that??
I imagine it’s a sexting thing to wank with the dominant hand while typing with the non-dominant hand.
Literally getting off on his own perceived superiority.
This is just embarrassing on his part.
whoa. yeowww. he wrote that and he sent that .
you may be his family, but he wouldn’t be in my tribe.
hes a hanger on. delusional.
there’s going to be years of this head case to deal with.
advice: no contact immediately
no contact ever. he may just spin into a new situation and get trapped there.
This came in response to a division of marital assets, not in regard to child support, yet much of what he writes is focused on the twenty-something kids. “My children shall win.” “The kids and I will be just fine.” “I labor for you and the kids.” “Your boys are like me. I pray my daughters marry someone like me every night and pray every night that my sons won’t marry at all.” And it’s odd that he first describes their sons as hers…”Your boys are like me.”
The standard advice is to leave the kids out of things and let them have their own relationship with the cheater. KD, I suspect he’s trying to poison the kids against you. I hope they can see through him. They’re young adults. I suggest sharing this column with them.
Yes, I let the kids have their own relationship with him, but he sabotages that all on his own as well. He sends crazy texts like this to them, too, and to his entire family. So, yes. Therapy all around.
Maybe ring cameras and security systems all around, too? I mentioned “masked dependency” in another comment (in which I got your initials wrong– sorry). It’s the “I don’t need you/I need you” push/pull thing which is described as an earmark of particularly dangerous abusers in a clinical book on battering listed in this site’s resources under Academic Articles and the works of criminologist Donald Dutton. Regardless of whether your ex had previously been physically abusive, there are too many stories of FWs being “violent for the first time” after separation. Stay safe and all power to you.
Posting to say just this. Abusers are at their most dangerous when they feel control slipping away. Killing their ex-wives is SOP for these losers.
KD, if you are not already, please take security measures against this unhinged creep. Cut off contact (you don’t need to facilitate his contact with adult children), get security cameras, take measures to get help if and when he escalates.
Good advice! Thanks. I agree.
It sounds like his narrative is that she’s blown up the family and damaged the kids as a vengeful harridan but he and the kids are standing in solidarity against her evil. The kids are like, wait, what?
One of our daughters said he distorts his own reality…”Just like his own Wanda Vision!”
Those texts tell me all I need to know about him. He is abusive and mentally unstable and you escaped. Protect yourself at all costs.
The kids are adults. There is no need to communicate with him. Block him.
I am telling you this from a been there. Done this. Have many Tshirts.
This one is hilarious!
I’m not usually a fan of responding but this one put so much effort into his bullshit that a nice “fuck off” might be in order.
There was a lot of grandeur in those wee sentences. Overt narcissist much? Why did KB walk out on a fine, rare man as himself? I’m sure that’s a real head-scratcher for him 🙄
Seems like a lot of effort put in to trying to convince himself he’s not a piece of shit.
When friends of mine share crapstreams like this from their exes, my go-to response is usually, “thanks for the documentation”. This cheater nay have thought he was telling our writer all about herself, but I see, in this word salad, some useful croutons: A clear admission of late payment, a clear admission that paying more money (without needing to know how it’s used) is a great idea in his mind, a clear admission that he believes men should be held to a different standard than women, and a clear statement that our writer is a good parent.
Seems to me this crapstream is good filing for any future times he takes our writer back to court because he’s controlling, and bored, and needs more singles for stuffing into the G strings of young women who remind him of his daughters, and because he can’t stand to even take a piss without feeling a heady sense of centrality while doing it.
Thanks for the documentation, Bro.
“I see, in this word salad, some useful croutons …”
And admitted to having plenty of disposable income to dole out.
Definitely a keeper for future court dates. I have a feeling she’ll need ‘em.
Keep everything he sends or you find on fake book etc if needed.
Under the definition of Narcissism, this letter appears.
Tell us you’re a narcissist without telling us you’re a narcissist.
This FW understood the assignment!
This is a textbook con-fidence ex. A deluded imposter that gamed 27 years off one victim (‘never mind the entire marriage being filled with all kinds of abuse’.)
KD needs to get distance the width of the Grand Canyon between her and this freak to see where she’s been, where she is now, and to begin her own work to see why.
Great Monday morning laugh! 🤣👏
And KD, it sounds like you have a really healthy perspective on your FW’s craziness (no doubt, in large part due to this blog, which has helped so many of us see clearly 🙏). Prayers that your strong example will ensure that your daughters never marry a creep like him, and that your sons have healthy relationships, too.
Oy veh. This pompous FW flip-flopped so often I had to take a Dramamine.
Yes, the two attorneys collaborated and basically forced my ex’s hand as well.
My ex was only slightly more subtle in closeout but clearly raging mad at me and the attorneys. After being no contact during the negotiations, I chose to do some things like car title arrangements via email to save money, and he raged about everything at first. I would compose the email back according to Bill Eddy’s BIF, and then email my attorney to get a quick phone call to read it out loud. The closeout attorney had just changed firms and wasn’t very busy yet, so it worked out until I got so good at BIF emails that I did my own and BCC’ed my attorney. Win!
When we were preparing to close the file, my attorney gave me three things that might come up and had me compose the responses. Then we got on the phone so he could tweak, but I pretty much had it down. Two did indeed come up later, so I did a cut-and-paste and was done without my attorney.
But yes, the insanity of their thoughts. I’m so glad that I’m out of that. I therapist friend of mine has a saying, “I don’t do crazy, and I define what crazy is.”
What a great attorney you had!
This “message” to her vacillates between being the victim and being an aggressive p——k.
Turns out consequences are painful!
Guess he didn’t think about the fact that the decisions in her court now that she knows!!!
My EX husbands famous line which he yelled at me, “You can’t put my dick in your purse!”
I couldn’t even finish reading the letter. Is the UBT all right after having to process that?
Oh, man, he’s lost it: total fear and panic mode. I love it. Take no prisoners: nail him to the wall.
Unfortunately, awful, repellent humans, like the author of this awful, repellent letter, are not rare.
Why did I stay? Because Traitor Ex’s deception and lying and my blind spots created a boilerplate bulletproof reflective shield from reality for a very long time.
Someone knowing the truth about him and choosing to hook up with him is on the same level of fucked up as he is, or worse.
I can’t imagine why anyone expects love and loyalty from someone who lies and cheats, or a side piece, but they do. What I care about is having the wisdom to know the difference between those who are trustworthy and safe, and those who are not, and that my daughter, and those I care about, also know the difference.
The world is full of people who run stop signs and drink daily doses of denial in
its myriad forms, and I don’t want to be one of them.
The person I thought he was existed only in my head. What I know about the person he is, I want nothing to do with, and neither does his own daughter (to whom he is also a fraud).
Good relationships are essential for enjoyment of life. Cheaters and side pieces prove with their actions that they don’t have the skills. Hit the launch codes and choose higher quality people to spend your extremely valuable non-refundable life with.
And, sexist dogma aside, I’d like to hear how his daughters are going to be able to marry men just like him if he doesn’t want his sons to marry , who he presumably wants to be just like him?
Survival of the fittest is not just a concept that applies to physical fitness. It also applies to mental, emotional, psychological and ethical/moral fitness, areas where it is far more important, and exponentially more difficult, to be fit. IMHO.
Screen out those who show they are unfit.
“now I lay me down to sleep…I pray my daughters marry creeps” and ” I have gone to that Piggly Wiggly in the sky”……… bahahahahahahaha……I am crying laughing……….. Wonderful way to start a Monday!
This is eerily similar of texts I received from my sociopath XH. Nuts.
Thank God I went no contact. Best decision ever.
Barfed up word salad. He’s a living legend in his own mind, watch out ladies. I don’t think I can complete.
This brings up the sentence my ex said. “Men fawn over me.” Before it almost gave me a panic attack, now I just laugh.
huh. one of the (many) disordered things my X said, on the way out, was how much he liked himself. he was behaving so badly at that point, it was weird.
there was no evidence of likeable behaviour. but there you go.
i’m thankful for my lawyer these days–got an email from my X about how he wanted to arbitrarily change the divorce agreement re: spousal support, so he needed me to send the cheques back and he’d reissue new ones in a different amount. seriously? i sent his email straight to my lawyer.
again, this guy is a VP and can’t manage forms, budgets, life.
that said, i kicked him off the Costco membership so my daughter could have the associate card, and he was outraged. “how could she do this? embarrass me in Costco when i was buying my fish supplements?”
he’s got a lot more to be embarrassed about than a recalled Costco membership, that’s for sure.
OMG, my ex-FW and your must be related. He, too, went off about my changing the Costco membership when we separated (I had my son put on the membership). He raged and wrote to his attorney. My attorney and I got a good laugh. By this time his attorney was laughing at him too. My attorney found this out when they were at some local state bar event and his lawyer thought it was the funniest thing that the FW would raise a stink about Costco!
Oh the Fullness self righteousness of a controlling ego . How they love to hear the reverberation of their echo! Just imagine if their dicks kept growing with each lie , each omission, each word of BS. the ultimate of limp dicks . How they find all of the deficiencies about us that had never existed in years of marriage that all of a sudden become forefront! As in “Your the problem here” not my cheating, not my deceit! Look at my greatness and your a pion . They try to whittle us down to bare bones. Lucky are those who get a decent divorce settlement as many do not! It gives them far more ability to move on after leaving .
His remark of, “You are too damn good of a woman. A damn good woman” reminded me of the scene in Animal House where Otter introduces himself to the individual freshmen during Rush Week, saying he’s “Damn glad to meet you,” and off he swoops. Shallow shallow shallow.
Not sure what this fw cheater was getting at but pretty sure he is unhinged. This guy is crackers and I hope KD stays away from this creep.
He had to rearrange it in mind so that he hadn’t lost to a lowly appliance; it is part of his winner identity. He tells himself, “I didn’t lose! Someone as great as me makes sacrifices for their kid’s sake! My Ex-appliance was special too (like me).” Also, “Maybe if I give my Ex-appliance kibbles now she’ll give me some later which I can use to my advantage.”
I almost vomited 🤮 trying to finish reading this! A mentally disturbed cheater with an egotistical attitude.
So glad your away from him. You deserve so much better. Good luck
Jesus, either drunk, high or manic. Did he always operate like this?
Oh, I feel for you KD. Better out and away, then using all that mental and emotional energy trying to parse the madness!
Stig, or some combination of the three. Sheesh!
This passage was so hilarious to me that I snorted loud enough to wake up my (mostly deaf) basset hound. You thought Jesus sacrificed himself for others? Christ ain’t got NOTHIN’ on this man! NOTHING.
**Take your money and be happy. The kids and I will be just fine. Shit, if you need more, just ask. I will always give to you. No explanations, no contracts, no repayment. I just will. You are my family to me. Hell, I won’t tell you what to do with your money or life, that’s you. But, if you ask, I’ll be there. Always. I labor for you and the kids. I know no other way.**
I assume english is his second language.
Alot of billowy word salad. Very nonsensical.
Comment in two parts.
That FW screed was “scilarious” as my teen daughter puts it– hilarious but scary. I scattered my thoughts about it in replies to other comments but I don’t want to be glib about something potentially serious so I’ll put my usual spiel in one comment. If KD’s ex is older than fifty-ish or has health problems he may be less likely to act out his bullying so I don’t want to be alarmist. But whether or not he’s relatively fit, has a history of physical violence/threats, has a history or substance abuse, hunts or owns firearms and whether or not he’s becoming disheveled or showing other signs of increasing mental instability, I’d consider getting a security system installed just to err on the side of safety.
Only the survivor in any abuse situation really has a bead on how dangerous their abusers can potentially be but there are certain factors that de-calibrate intuition. I think there’s a lot of social pressure on survivors to model “calm rationality” in the wake of abuse which can mix dangerously with the numb, exhausted “brownout” stage of PTSD. When I did advocacy for abuse survivors, I likened the resulting guard-lowering to “falling asleep in the snow” for the tendency of people on the brink of hypothermia to experience sleepiness and have the dangerous impulse to lie down for a “just a second.” That’s why we’d encourage survivors to invest in security automatically and regardless of whether they believed themselves to be at imminent risk or not. We normalized it “just what one does” and “all the cool cats are doing it” to counter the typical “hypothermic” impulse or social pressure to minimize. Security cameras will pick up evidence of an abuser showing up uninvited or behaving in menacing or erratic ways that could provide grounds for protective orders which are, at the very least, helpful in maintaining NC. A protective order will also put an official stamp on the situation which may discourage bystanders from minimizing and therefore dangerously hacking, disrupting and meddling with survivors’ all-important gut intuition.
The thing that gave me the creeps about the FW message was that it was a really in-your-face example of the classic abuser “push/pull.” KD is good, she’s bad, she’s the best, she’s the worst, life is great without her, life is bad without her, she’s evil, she’s a saint. Then he trickily ascribes vengefulness to her which, if you consider every accusation by a narc to be a confession, could be taken as a bit of a warning. Also the suggestion that KD should go on to find love seems like disingenuous “approval” for her to move on. He’s saying he’s not asking for permission on the one hand then, in an unbidden way, “grants” it. It smacks of a need for sexual control so that if and when KD does “find love” in the future, FW is preparing to pretend to himself and others that it’s only because he instructed her to– as if that would take the pain out of her doing just that. The real message may be that he deeply resents the specter of her sexual autonomy.
One of the books in this site’s resources is The Batterer by criminologist and researcher Donald Dutton which describes case studies of both violent and sub-violent abuse and control. In the many years since I first read that book, certain parts of Dutton’s research on batterer psychology stuck in my mind more than others, probably to the extent that I kept seeing those bits borne out in real life over and over again. I think some of these things also stuck in my mind because they’re counterintuitive and therefore under-recognized– and that can be dangerous to the degree that certain behaviors/red flags are warnings of escalation.
Anyway, one of the theories that stuck is “masked dependency” which I believe Dutton was presenting as a facet of reactive attachment disorder (due to whatever childhood abuse/trauma these individuals internalized) where abusers– out of deep shame for their own pathological, infantile dependency on partners– will unconsciously conceal that dependency from others and even themselves. For instance, they may not appear to others or their victims as the stereotypically jealous, possessive abuser. They may even express deep indifference towards partners but can inversely become explosive in reaction to threatened abandonment by partners. I think I remember Dutton describing these types as being more prone to suddenly commit the most extreme types of violence.
If Part One wasn’t long enough, here’s Part Deux:
Typical of most DV researchers in the time Dutton was actively studying batterers, Dutton doesn’t write much about infidelity beyond some batterers’ paranoid territoriality. But emerging research is starting to mesh with my experience as an advocate by presenting infidelity a common tactic in coercive control and DV. From what I saw, almost all domestic abusers cheat and chronic cheating fits the masked dependency model very neatly. First off, domestic abuse is theorized to involve “reenactment” of childhood trauma but with victim/perpetrator roles reversed. From that vantage point, it makes sense that abusers would make a preemptive strike and subject victims to the abusers’ own worst fears which suggests dependency plays a part in the motive to cheat. What’s more, cheating could be seen as an attempt to “dilute” abusers’ pathological dependency on primary partners by spreading that dependency out among more than one partner. By the same token, cheating could be seen as a means of hedging bets against abusers’ chronic, internally driven fears of abandonment. It could be seen as a protection against intrusive and frightening violent fantasies of what an abuser imagines they’d do to the victim if the abuser’s terror of being replaced were ever realized, sort of like “See, I’m a lover, not a psycho killer! Really!” It’s also a kind of distracting feint that says, “Who needs ya” to the victim. Because sexual betrayal predictably triggers fear of abandonment and at least temporary knee-jerk pickme dancing in blindsided victims, cheating is arguably a very potent way to displace the abuser’s own feelings of dependency onto the victim, temporarily relieving the abuser of their own demented fear and shame. It might explain why even cheaters who seem to fully shift allegiance to a new partner can’t fully let go of former partners, will keep showing up like bad pennies, stall divorce or may even become violent.
I hope cheating is eventually more widely recognized as a statistical red flag and warning sign of potential violence. It could save a lot of lives. The especially scary thing is that Dutton describes abusers who mask their own dependency as statistically more likely to be lethal than other abusers. I can also imagine how concealing dependency– maybe especially through cheating– dangerously misleads victims, bystanders and legal authorities into believing the abuser has “moved on” and therefore won’t be circling back around to make trouble or is only doing so due to reasons (custody disputes, money) other than a sheer need to control and inhibit the freedom of former victims. In other words, there’s gaslighting built into the gesture that can lead victims, legal authorties and bystanders to mistakenly lower guards.
Even after killing their partners, some abusers seem to continue to mask any depedency motive for killing and may even do so to their own detriment. Chris Watts conveyed to police that he killed his wife and children because they were impediments to his affair. But according to the masked dependency theory, the reason he admitted to the more cold-blooded, more premeditated-sounding and severely prosecutable motive was because it was less catastrophically shameful to him than admitting he killed his wife in an infantile rage of thwarted dependency because she threatened to leave him after she discovered the affair (he also suggested the children were simply killed because they were witnesses).
Authorities and the public believed that Fotis Dulos– who’s wife Jennifer left him after he campaigned to move his affair partner into the family home to live with his wife and children– killed his wife due to a custody dispute. But, according to the masked dependency theory, consciously focusing his rage on a custody dispute would have been a distraction from and less shameful than conceding his continuing need to control his wife, punish her for leaving and ensure she could never move on and replace him.
The masked dependency concept doesn’t rule out the existence of psychopathic “zero empathy” cyborgs who jump from relationship to relationship without a pang or who kill for expedience. But while that level of “zero empathy” psychopathy is said to be pretty rare, domestic abuse and domestic murder aren’t. The masked dependency theory is a reminder that reverse rules and self deception can apply to disordered liars and not everything is as it appears.
That’s my scary spiel for what it’s worth.
Oh—but the creepiest thing that most disturbed me was to learn, about a month ago, that he hadn’t told anyone at his work that we were getting divorced, even after a year. When people would ask why I wasn’t at various events, he’d say, “Oh, she’s been in Florida.” My eldest daughter discovered this at a family picnic I didn’t attend. THAT was unsettling.
Now they all know—when his bank got subpoenaed, everyone found out. And of course, they were crying and so so upset because he’s such a great guy who loves his wife so so much.
Thank you for all this—I’m going to check out the Dutton book. And he IS scary. When I left him a little over a year ago, I literally snuck out (said I was going to work, but actually moved into an apartment. I was safely ensconced in my apartment before he knew I left and I told him I wasn’t coming home). He lost his mind. Literally. There was a restraining order at the time, but there isn’t one now. He is over fifty and I don’t think he’s got it in him to go after me, but I am going to look into the security system.
I agree with everything you said. Thanks. I can’t believe I lived under that so long. The cheating wasn’t the half of it.
I think it’s a long road to reconcile our inner kickass spirits with what we– in the common vernacular– “put up with.” One of the services that researchers like Dutton offer is that, by focusing on abuser psychology and tactics, they show how deep and ornate the trap of abuse really is and how intensely driven, dedicated and focused abusers are at laying that trap and keeping their captives paralyzed. Another famous researcher noted that methods used by domestic abusers are virtually identical to those used by professional interrogators and torturers. For instance, because it’s so predictable that even veteran intelligence operatives who are captured and subjected to certain stressors will– even if the methods used against them fall short of physical violence– crack and spill whatever secrets they know, most spies are never given whole parcels of state secrets, only bits and pieces. It’s also so predictable that political captives will “bond” with captors that, if released from political captivity, intelligence professionals are routinely deprogrammed to break any “captor bonding” they might have formed in order to survive. Were they all “codependent” or is it that human beings can only take so much and domestic abuse, just like the breaking-down process used in political interrogation, pushes those limits to the brink.
There have been more recent advancements in terms of understanding how universally paralyzing “coercive control” or “sub-violent” forms of domestic abuse can be. In the introduction to veteran DV researcher Evan Stark’s “Coercive Control,” Stark notes that most domestic violence survivors report that psychological abuse and torture can be more paralyzing than violence. That’s another great book.
Were we all gluttons for punishment? I don’t think so. I think it’s hard for average people to conceive that, for every person alive, there’s an abuser who’s specialized in getting past individual defenses. Rather than blaming ourselves for having been entrapped to begin with, I think it’s more helpful to recognize the odds against escape and giving survivors credit for beating them.
You beat them. You deserve a parade. Yay.
As an abused child, I always found tortures scenes unsettlingly familiar but couldn’t put words to why outside of it involved pain and degradation. This helped. Thanks.
Hell of a Chump- your comments are so insightful and brilliant.
Thank you for taking the time to write them out.
I am an abuse survivor and understand and agree with everything you’ve described.
I was married in total for 15 years, and have been divorced 6 years to the day, today. You really get the mindf*ck that is abuse and have such insight on it.
I’ve done a lot of reading and research on abuse the past decade, but it’s really hard to explain just how deep and dark the psychological abuse goes.
I recognize my abuser in what you wrote and it makes perfect sense, what you explained about the “masked dependency” theory. You helped shed some light on my ex husband. He could have written the message that KD’s FW sent her. I’m still so bizarre to see how similar these disordered minds are.
My ex FW at the same time hates me and calls me every horrible name in the book, and also dragged out divorce out forever and threatened to stand up in court and tell the judge he wouldn’t consent to the divorce.
Pretty much everything you write in your three comments describes him, and you gave me some insight on him, thank you.
As someone who’s been researching abuse since I realized that’s what was happening to me, 17 years ago- as well as reading everything about narcissism I could get my hands on since I’m had that revelation about a decade ago, you have given me some things to think about. Thanks for shedding some light.
You are so smart and have such a way with words! I always enjoy reading your comments. Thanks again for sharing.
This is the best. The goodnight prayer especially.
This sounds like something my ex would write so I’m going to suggest that this particular FW was high AF when this was sent. The grandiousity. The complete failure to acknowledge reality. Even the phrasing. I don’t miss the FW.
I’m glad you have a settlement KD. Now it is time to block him so you don’t have to listen to any more of his twaddle. Look to your future and leave him to his self-congratulary fairyland. Don’t try to untangle the skein of fuckedupness any more. The more you don’t give a shit about him the better off you will be. Best wishes.
I finally figured it out. He’s composing! This is Broadway, people.
FUCKWIT, THE MUSICAL
The spotlight hits him. He looks earnestly up at the balcony.
“I like me. A lot.
Don’t turn your nose up on my grave – that burden is too great.
They don’t make ‘em like me. Rare breeeeeeeeed!”
[CHORUS LINE OF SIDE SKANKS ENTERS, HUMMING AND SNAPPING]
“Money ain’t shit. Search for love. Real love. In your heart.
I was not given time. I allowed it.
I pray my daughters marry someone like me every night
and pray every night that my sons won’t marry at all.”
“Yes I like meeeeeeeeeeeee”
[ORCHESTRA STOPS ABRUPTLY]
Lol! Spot on!
Glad you’re free of the show, KD. This is a good illustration of what I learned from my ex, too- the one thing that can never, ever happen is for one of these FW Supremes to think of themselves as having done something bad. If my ex stubbed her toe because she was in too big a hurry, it was the fault of the furniture manufacturer.
😄 Love it, AAB.
I find it strangely reassuring that the world is populated by this variety of scum and they havent gone on to kill their ex or kids. I was so worried ex had a major screw loose and would hurt our child when he started writing shit like this, in amongst a bit of low grade stalking, until I came on CL and realised it is just standard FW behaviour.
Ex the financial gaslighter would intermittently announce we were living beyond our means and he’d have to get a second job. It was a tedious speech he gave about once a year, in between siphoning money off to his other bank accounts.
Eventually I started querying why someone who was so brilliant with money never had any.
I despise entitled people.
They sound like the same person! This guy also did that—he’d rail on about me spending too much money at the grocery store or buying the kids shoes or what have you, and say he’s have to get a second job to support all “my” spending…all while siphoning off money into a secret account.
Then, he’d be mad at me for having a job—he was all kinds of angry about me choosing to work at first and became more and more upset the further so rose in my career; while still bragging about me in public. So much insanity. I told myself that even if I ended up in financial ruin leaving him, it would be MY financial ruin!! (And it doesn’t seem to have come to that anyway)
I think there are millions of us sadly.
Mine is also a lawyer, but conveniently doesnt seem to have any understanding of professional ethics or principles of law as it applies to our matter ~ he is also a dumbshit who didnt change his Google password so I could see him researching how to hide assets from family court, not make full disclosure etc. As if he was the first person who’d ever thought of this. Only a narc would think it was an original idea.
I think these written communications are more than word salad ~ they are feigning crazy to make us scared ~I realized this when ex would snap back to sounding normal when it suited his interests.
I am a DV lawyer and it seems to be a pretty common pattern of behaviour ~ a form of intermittent reinforcement perhaps. Or setting up some sort of insanity defence in case they do become physical.
I’ve now concluded all this sort of unhinged behaviour is very deliberate and well thought out unless there is proof to the contrary.
My ex too. He was so angry when I spent “his” money (on, you know, the mortgage, electric bill, etc.). We had agreed I would stay home with our baby for awhile, but then he was furious that he was the sole wage earner and he couldn’t buy anything for himself (but never wanted to sit down and do a budget with me so we could decide how to spend the money together). So I went back to work. Then he was angry that he was “a single dad” since I worked nights while he worked days, because we couldn’t really afford childcare. Angry because he had to do some child care and make himself dinner, lol. He blamed every financial issue on me (not working, not working the RIGHT job, wanting a house, having a kid, buying organic vegetables, etc. ad infinitum). He was embarrassed that I was a waitress, no matter that I made almost as much money as he did. When I got a “real” job (as he put it), he was still angry with me because he thought I didn’t deserve it.
Once we split and shared custody (so I had some nights without our son), I got a second job at a restaurant to make some extra cash. He was FURIOUS. He thought HE deserved some of that money. I was like, you have just as many free evenings/weekends as I do, why don’t YOU get a second job. He had every excuse in the world why he “couldn’t”.
Meanwhile, I was paying off my debts and saving money, and he was going rapidly broke. He even stopped paying the utility bills (yet oddly had enough money to buy a video game system and TONS of booze) and refused to contribute to the mortgage (we ended up selling the house and he moved in with OW). In spite of sharing expenses with OW and her giving him tens of thousands of dollars, they couldn’t make ends meet. I, on the other hand, was really surprised at how much “extra” money I had even though I was now supporting myself on a single income.
He died completely a year and a half ago (I am not sad – he was an angry, abusive, and scary person), completely broke.
I am now debt free and about to buy a house (and will still have money in the bank when all’s said and done).
“… if you need more, just ask. I will always give to you. No explanations, no contracts, no repayment. I just will.”
She should ask for more. I want to see Round 2 with the UBT.
If she ever asked for more that would be the exact moment that “he’d loooove to help her but his investments just tanked”
Comic gold, the entire UBT ! CL rocks !
These creeps are so high on their own fumes; too idiotic to know they are idiots
That’s some of the weirdest stuff I’ve ever read in my life. Such a disjointed word salad.
Afrer reading that bizarre stream of consciousness that sounds like it comes from a drunk 13 year old, I’m pretty sure this FW is, if not actually mentally ill, teetering on the edge of it.
Nobody loves me
Every body hates me
I’m gonna go eat woorrrrmmms
Long slim-y slimy ones
Short fat juicy ones
Ittsy bittsy teeny tiny wooorrrrmmms
Ittsy bittsy was never spiders , they are eensy weensy
This reads like one of those predictive text memes. He typed “I cheated on you because” and hit the middle word and added a period occasionally?!
WTF did I just read? Waiter, some dressing for that word salad, please. The guy’s on drugs, delusional, or both. Sheesh.
Looks like the words of a control freak who can’t accept that he lost, that someone else made him do something he didn’t want to, that someone left him, that someone is critical of him. He has to make himself believe that he was in control all the time and still is. That he was a great guy all the time and still is.
Invite our brokenhearted children, if they can pull themselves away from their cheating husbands or attendant strippers. (*Gold*)
Whenever Im down and I feel like I can’t cope with the fwittery any more I come and read this …. It has me crying with laughter every time. UBT was on fire this day.