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UBT: ‘I’m in a Good Place Now’

Universal Bullshit Translator
The Universal Bullshit Translator

Dear Chump Lady,

So two years ago my husband of 25 years left me for his technician, immediately moved her in, got her pregnant and they are now living their happy life with a 17-month old, while I struggle.

Anyway, we are still not divorced. It’s in process, but very expensive and we disagree on many key points. Mostly the point where he doesn’t want to give me anything, he just wants me to go away.

I had the pleasure (or not) of speaking to him yesterday about our daughter. Anyway, I received a text from him today. All I see is he’s happy, happy, happy with no regrets. Honestly it still hurts and I think I need him to be miserable for me to ever feel justification. Like, why can’t his girlfriend cheat on him? Or why can’t the baby belong to a different baby daddy? Why are they so stinking happy???

I’d really like you to use the UBT on this text.

I appreciate u picking up the phone and calling about (daughter) yesterday, but I’m in a very good place right now. My leaving was just a tad bit more complicated than just I wasn’t appreciated. So please don’t trivialize my life decisions. I do not do things on a whim. That is not my nature. I’m sorry u got hurt and sorry kids got hurt. I have talked to them and explained my thoughts. Hope u have a good day.

Thoughts?

Struggling

****

Dear Struggling,

Yes, don’t call him and remind him he has other children. Geez, quit being such a buzzkill. Don’t you know the effervescent, new baby scent has worn off your kids? He has another family now.

Seriously though — don’t communicate with him except in writing where his answers and non-answers can be documented. And do NOT try to call him up and shame him or discuss your or your kids’ pain. As I’ve said here before, you may as well try and shame a doorpost. He’s “happy” because he’s about an inch deep. No, your feelings do not matter to him. And yes, that’s the REAL him.

If you insist on plumbing his shallow depths, you’re going to get exactly what you got — mindfuckery.

So stop engaging, and more full-court press to the divorce finish line, okay? There’s nothing you can say that a fat settlement check can’t say better.

Now to the UBT:

I appreciate u picking up the phone and calling about (daughter) yesterday, but I’m in a very good place right now.

Thanks for the kibbles! Your distress reminds me that I’m super awesome powerful! And ignoring whatever it is you want from me gives me shivers of delight. Please don’t try and make me feel bad. I don’t feel much at all because my conscience is a tiny, withered prune pit.

But, since you asked (and I know that I Am The Most Important Person here) — I’m happy! Couldn’t be better!

Are you miserable? Great! More evidence that I’m superior in every way!

My leaving was just a tad bit more complicated than just I wasn’t appreciated.

My being a fuckwit is just a tad bit more complicated than just I-walked-out-on-my-family-and-got-an-employee-pregnant.

I wasn’t sufficiently appreciated… as being a total fuckwit.

So please don’t trivialize my life decisions.

My life is not a triviality. My obligations are a triviality.

I do not do things on a whim.

I’m a cold-hearted, calculating motherfucker.

That is not my nature.

Actually cold-hearted, calculating motherfucker is my nature. If there were an astrological sign for dysfunction, I’d be in the seventh house of Fuckwit.

I’m sorry u got hurt and sorry kids got hurt.

Feel the depth of my sorry. #NoFullWords4U

Sorry something hurt u and kids. #passivevoice No idea what that could be. An asteroid?

Want to see my latest baby pictures?

I have talked to them and explained my thoughts.

I discarded them and explained it with a little chat — “Daddy’s happy now!” We’re good.

Hope u have a good day.

Hope you’re hit with a horseshoe. U, u, u.

****

This is a rerun updated for more snark.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • Struggling, you do not have to agree on anything to get divorced. Don’t let that stop you. Say nothing to him and hire a lawyer. The longer you wait the more time he has had to move and hide assets. If he is a high earner hire a forensic accountant. This is money well spent as you have been married a long time. Say nothing to him! There is nothing to discuss. Get to a lawyer today.

  • (I know this is a rerun but…)

    Struggling, as Gentle Reader said — serve him. Nothing says “you’re happy? Awesome. Let’s go our separate ways” like getting served with divorce papers that say “let’s finalize this shit. Bye Bye fuckhead”

    He’s only happy because he’s not dealing. He’s doing whatever he wants, no questions asked. But guess what? He has to get divorced from you. And that’s going to BLOW. He’s going to have to pay you and deal with attorneys and child support… with a 17 month old child that proves his abandonment.

    Focus on doing it to support yourself and your kids. No need to be vindictive… just having to adult will piss him off to no end and throw a wrench into his new life. Not to mention it’ll point out to the world that he’s in a “family” with his coworker while still married —- that isn’t a great look at work or with family/friends.

    Deep breaths… Get a lawyer and stick a nail in that coffin

    • I read this to read she’s in the middle of the divorce (so someone got served). She writes “it’s in process.” It’s totally like FWs to drag it out.

      • It absolutely is. It’s a power play. The fuckwit ignored everything my solicitor sent him, I had to pay to get him served. Which incidentally was in his own flat, on Valentine’s Day, and the rat faced whore opened the door to the process server 🤣😂.

        The process server told me he looked absolutely *furious*. 🤣

        • When I look back on it, I was so nice to my ex-wife. I could have done this – in fact, all I needed to do was give my lawyer a location and it was all ready to go – but instead I sent it by mail, and warned my XW that it was coming so she wouldn’t be blindsided by it. She still called me up ranting when she received it.

          In retrospect, I’m not sorry I did it the way I did, but it really had no affect on anything (the settlement itself, or my relationship with XW now) in the long run. They’re going to find something to resent and to fight you about no matter what you do.

        • 😂😂😂 Love it Chumpnomore6. My FW was also served ( blindsided) on Valentines day, and luck would have it our divorce was final on his 67th birthday 🤣🤣🤣

      • Ah… I read sloppily and missed that. When FW wasn’t agreeing and was dragging things out, I pushed harder… and more expensively. Maybe not the most financially sound choice but I figured that getting it over with was worth any amount and it would all come out in the wash. (I had a friend who refused to do that and kept saying I was wasting money… But my divorce was finalized in one year and hers dragged for 4 years and she was left with little after her FW hid and spent everything during that time).

        When my FW didn’t want to agree and kept threatening that he’d give me nothing? I made sure to get a court date set to move forward that way… he settled very quickly at that point. No FW wants this in court. So even if it costs more than you can afford, go for it and make sure the costs fall on him. That’ll move his ass. And a happy side effect is that it makes it much less fun for him to play house with coworker and the new fam while he’s filling out mountains of discovery and legal crap.

        • When my ex was messing around, my attorney and I agreed on a bold move. The draft agreement we had been working on was legal and reasonable, but my ex kept nitpicking and adding stuff. His attorney had been talking about quitting for weeks because my ex was “the worst client ever” and trying to game his own $700/hour attorney (as if that was even possible).

          We gave my ex 24 hours to sign the agreement, or we’d get a trial date with no more negotiation. His attorney added that he’d quit if his client didn’t sign. He didn’t want to go to trial. My ex signed just a bit before the deadline. Both legal teams were relieved. Of course, my ex putzed around more in closeout, and we had to play at filing contempt motions three times to keep it going.

          No, I couldn’t afford it, but my legal team wrote off things at times and billed fairly. My ex paid way more than I did with a more expensive attorney who billed for everything and let my ex go on rabbit trails.

        • And there’s nothing more “discoverable” than the baby he had with said coworker before the divorce even hit the courts.

          • LovedAJackass, And a baby is “very” concrete proof of adultery if one lives in a fault jurisdiction. Assuming it’s actually his.

  • The main things to remember are:

    -these people are VERY into image management. Is he REALLY happy? Doesn’t matter, as long as YOU think so. The reality may be very different. FW and OW presented themselves as head over heels in love, perfectly happy, starting their little blended family, blah blah blah. She ended up leaving him only a few weeks after they moved in together. Their home was chaotic, they were alcoholics, both were depressed to the point of suicide, they were completely broke, and they were abusing each other verbally and physically. In public and on social media? All smiles and kissy-face photos and little family portraits.

    -their version of “happy” is not what YOU mean by happy. My FW was “happy” when he got what he wanted, but it was always only fleeting. The smallest inconvenience and he was miserable again. Or he’d get what he was working for, realize that it did nothing to alleviate his feelings of inadequacy, and plunge into depression. The happiness was very surface. As CL said, they aren’t that deep.

    FW wanted me to disappear with nothing, but I refused. Make sure you have a good lawyer and get everything you are entitled to. And save every email like the above where he is basically telling you not to bother him about his kids. Send that shit to your lawyer. Hopefully you are also in an at-fault state/country. Nothing proves infidelity better than a baby.

  • I hope the OP is out now and living her happy and cheater free life. I always thought it was strange how FWs, who are supposedly happy in their new lives love to drag things out. The FW I was married to wanted out so bad but yet made sure to drag his feet. I had to put my attorney in full gear with all the paperwork and tell the other side that we intend to depose the primary Schmoopie and the massage parlor Schmoopie. That did not get him to move much faster but when we told them we intended to bring in his amateur porn that he had left on the shared account and eventually charge him with perjury (he lied in all his answers from denying he knew Schmoopie (videos showed he knew her quite well) and spending money (had a nice audit trail on where he had sent $$$$ to Schmoops)he moved very quickly and settled for more than I figured. Guess he did not want to be a prison bitch and have his videos shown in court.
    I guess he also heard me after our last settlement conference saying that if he wanted a fight, I would give hhim one and spare no expense. It seemed these things all helped deflate his tremendous confidence that I would be left with nothing.

    • Yes! Like chumpedforanewmodel, my lawyer asked me who would freak FW out the most if we brought them to court… So our list included schmoopie (his junior coworker) and the supervisor over both of them. Boy it moved quickly after that.

  • Quite simply…he’s lying. He’s not happy and will never be happy. This is a situation that it definitely isn’t you, it’s him.

    Yes, you are struggling now. But it will go away sometime and it’s called “Tuesday”. When you have no more Fs to give, you have reached Tuesday.

    Here is a fun song to correlate the advice. Have a happy Tuesday!

    https://youtu.be/Vqbk9cDX0l0

    • And here are the lyrics to the brilliant song that Gonegirl shared with us, for those who just really need to sing along! 😂🤣

      ‘I’ve No More Fucks To Give’ By Thomas Benjamin Wild Esq

      (Uke tuning GCEA)

      Intro – Bb C7 F7 Bb

      Verse 1

      Bb
      I’ve tried, tried, tried
      F7
      And I’ve tried even more
      F7
      I’ve Cried, Cried, Cried
      Bb
      And I can’t recall what for
      Bb
      I’ve pressed, I’ve pushed, I’ve yelled, I’ve begged
      C7
      In hope of some success

      But the inevitable fact is that
      F7
      It never will impress

      Chorus 1

      Bb
      I’ve no more fucks to give,
      C7
      My fucks have runneth dry,
      F7
      I’ve tried to go fuck shopping
      Bb
      But there’s no fucks left to buy

      I’ve no more fucks to give,
      C7
      Though more fucks I’ve tried to get,
      F7
      I’m over my fuck budget and
      Bb
      I’m now in fucking debt

      Verse 2
      I strive, strive, strive
      To get everything done
      I’ve played by all the rules
      But I’ve very rarely won,
      I’ve smiled, I’ve charmed, I’ve wooed
      I’ve laughed,
      Alas to no avail
      I’ve run round like a moron,
      To unequivocally fail!

      Chorus 2
      I’ve no more fucks to give,
      My fuck fuse has just blown,
      I’ve been hunting for my fucks all day,
      But they’ve upped and fucked off home,
      I’ve no more fucks to give,
      My fuck rations are depleted,
      I’ve rallied my fuck army but
      It’s been fucking defeated!

      Bridge

      Eb Bb
      The effort has just not been worth
      F7 Bb Bb7
      The time or the expense
      D7 Gm7
      I’ve exhausted all my energy
      C7 F7
      For minimal recompense
      Eb Bb
      The complete lack of acknowledgement
      F7 Bb Bb7
      Has now begun to gall
      C7
      And I’ve come to realise that I
      F7
      Don’t give a fuck at all!

      Chorus 3
      I’ve no more fucks to give,
      My fucks have flown away,
      My fucks are now so fucked off
      They’ve refused to fucking stay!
      I’ve no more fucks to give,
      My fucks have gone insane
      They’ve come back round and passed me
      While they’re fucking off again!

      Chorus 4
      I’ve no more fucks to give,
      My fucks have all dissolved,
      I’ve planned many projects
      But my fucks won’t be involved!
      I’ve no more fucks to give,
      My fucks have all been spent,
      They’ve fucked off from the building
      And I don’t know where they went!

      Outro
      E Bb
      I’ve no more fucks to give,
      F7 Bb Bb7
      I’ve no more fucks to give,
      E
      I’ve no more fucks,
      Bb
      I’ve no more fucks,
      F7 Bb F7 Bb
      I’ve no more fucks to give!

    • Have you seen all the creative and hilarious ways people have used this song on TikTok videos? I started collecting them as part of my healing journey! 😂

  • “If there were an astrological sign for dysfunction, I’d be in the seventh house of Fuckwit.”

    😄 Killing it.

    I get this need for the cheater to be miserable. They certainly deserve to be. However, they don’t even have the depth to be truly miserable in the way that we can be. They can feel frustration, rage and depression if things don’t go as they’d like, but the deep sorrow about loss that we feel is just not in them. That also means they don’t have the depth to be truly happy. They experience pleasure and self-satisfaction if things are going well for them, and that’s about it. That is what they consider happiness.
    Think about that next time you’re envying a FW’s supposedly charmed life. Think about how puny their experience of life must be when all they care about is gratifying themselves.
    The FW in this story is a perfect example. For him, kids stop being shiny and new just like wives do, so they have to be chucked in the trash to make way for new ones.

    • OHFFS, I have thought about this. I look back at my “mirage” and I can see how FW was always glum, never could be happy about anything and never really enjoyed any gift or anything that was done for him. He never showed any appreciation for Christmas or birthday gifts or when my son was young and brought him crafts and stuff from school. They are just incapable of any type of joy other than the next orgasm. They do SUCK!!!

      • I hear you, CFANM. That seems to be a common thread in chump stories. Lots of chumps say FWs ruin special occasions with their miserable, whiny little bitch personalities.

        Actually, my FW was not always as empty and self absorbed as he is now. I do believe he used to be happy and used to at least believe he loved me. However, I learned after dday that from about 2003 on, he started to ruin his brain and destroy his capacity for love with porn and booze. It brought out latent narcissistic tendencies that run in his family as well. The effect now seems to be permanent. He’ll never be happy again.
        I like that they get our revenge for us just by being who they are.

        • I believe this was the case with my ex. A good man turned pure evil, and I do hope he spends eternity in misery. He gave up a great life to what he thought was love with online sex workers.

    • The seventh house of Fuckwit bit got me too, OHFFS, hahaha!! 😂 So good again, CL, snark and advice!
      And I agree, they seriously do not have the depth to be truly happy or truly any emotion at all really.
      It’s just a long and drawn out stage show they are performing on and as long as the beam of the spotlight remains on them, they will be
      “ happy”.
      Not the same happy we know of happy, they’re happy is ‘everybody is watching me’ and they are impressed by my superficial facade of a life and that makes me so happy to pull that off.
      These FW’s go as deep as a puddle in your toothpaste tube cap gets to go. 🪥

      • “It’s just a long and drawn out stage show they are performing on and as long as the beam of the spotlight remains on them, they will be
        “ happy”.”

        Good way of putting it. Shakespeare described them best without meaning to;

        “A walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
        And then is heard no more. It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.”

    • OHFFS
      “Think about how puny their experience of life must be when all they care about is gratifying themselves.” I think about this alot. How boring is that and shallow?

      • Spoonriver, I agree. It must be awful to have that gaping void where the heart should be. No wonder they need distraction from it with shiny new things.

    • ““If there were an astrological sign for dysfunction, I’d be in the seventh house of Fuckwit.””

      And the image would be of a human body with their head up their ass.

    • “…all they care about is gratifying themselves…”

      Last I heard, x is spending all schmoopie #19’s money and she’s concerned about it. Didn’t ask for this info.

      WTF does x care? The false narratives are plentiful. He’ll mooch off the kids if needed or finish himself off if options (meaning other chumps or suckers) run out.

      Glad to be fuckwit free. If they try to hoover- use no contact as parasite deterrent.

      • “He’ll mooch off the kids if needed or finish himself off if options (meaning other chumps or suckers) run out.”

        I hate the way they use their kids!😡

    • Yes, if everyone were Like FW there would be no art, poetry, music, religion, culture, philosophy, beauty in the world. Innovation and society would not have flourished. We would be animals in the mud, never striving to be anything better, to overcome our human condition. Thank the gods for us chumps. We make the world meaningful and a better place.

  • (Horseshoe, u, u, u, SO GOOD! 😂 )

    God, these cheaters and their highly consistent cheater playbook. Smug entitlement and total self orientation at the root of every interaction.

    Hope this writer knuckled down and completed the divorce with focus and determination after this. (I can just hear the whiny cheater in my head now, not wanting share half the assets because “how can you take food out of my baby’s mouth, you monster!!!”)

    • I loved that too! It made me think of the song “Burn” from the musical Hamilton. I can just hear Phillipa Soo’s voice:

      “You and your words obsessed with your legacy
      Your sentences border on senseless
      And you are paranoid in every paragraph.
      How they perceive you
      U, U, U!”

  • Wow! What a fucking monster this guy is. Completely without any redeeming features. I’m sorry that you had to let someone like this into your life. And I’m sorry that your kids are also paying the price. I’m sending you all my love and support.

    Aliens walk among us.

  • I know that this is a rerun, but it’s a neverending, sad story. It hurts like heck, but indeed trust that they suck. My wonderful attorney had a more colorful term and called my 60-something ex “the boy” because he didn’t deserve to be called a man, in his opinion. LOL. My attorney was in his late sixties and a traditional type. His wife was the business manager of the firm, and they had been married for 40+ years. I adored him, and he gave me so much more than just the law. He treated me like a big brother would. It was expensive because my ex wouldn’t let go and considered himself to be smarter than the two attorneys but eventually, we got it when his attorney basically changed sides and muscled him into signing. You know it’s bad when opposing counsel is sending you messages through your attorney that their client is delusional and a big jerk in their eyes.

    If these types don’t own up to themselves, you can’t make them.

    • Elsie , this reminds me strongly of my father’s behavior when my parents divorced. He wouldn’t listen to his first attorney who told him he had to split assets 50/50 (such as they were) with my mother. He kept trying to get her to agree to an unfavorable property settlement. This was in a community property state, after a 25 year marriage, and she had proof of adultery, with names.

      He and his first attorney finally parted ways; I don’t know, but I suspect the attorney fired him as a client. He didn’t pay the attorney, who sued him. I don’t know how that came out, but I bet the attorney got a judgement and was paid from my dad’s share of their assets.

      My mom finally got disgusted with his behavior, and told her attorney to tell his second attorney that if my dad didn’t sign a 50/50 division, she’d sue him under the fault laws still on the books in their state, and ask for 100% of the property. I guess the second attorney made him see sense, and he finally signed.

      My dad was an alcoholic, and it seemed like the longer he drank, the crazier he got. When my mom left, he’d been drinking heavily for five years. He just got worse and worse. He lost jobs and tanked two more marriages, with subsequent losses of assets, because of no prenups and living in a community property state.

      He finally drank himself to death…a very sad story.

    • That was my attorney’s specialty. He cut through the cr*p like it was all a day’s work and was very reasonable in his billing. He told me in the initial interview that he loved crazy cases and representing the underdog.

  • It’s amazing that they think they can just say “I am not giving you anything”. In the US at least, they don’t have a choice. Sure, they can drag out the case, but ultimately, assets will be split, period. My FW freaks out any time he is faced with reality at all. “Rent is so high” “How are we going to do afford two households?” “I don’t want to NOT see my kid every day”. And he just keeps saying how hard this is going to be financially. Harder for me as he makes more $. I am not thrilled to be divorcing at 50, but he has a gf, so my options are rather limited. But the pure idiocy of it kills me. We will split custody as evenly as makes sense, I don’t want my kid to be shuffled back and forth every 2 hours, but I have zero intention of keeping them from their dad. But he keeps getting so torn up that there will be some days he doesn’t see them. My Dude, you’ve been involved with another woman for YEARS, you’ve had plenty of time to think about this. Did it never occur to you that in order to be with schmoopie full time, our marriage would end and that would mean shared custody? Sometimes his lack of acceptance of these realities scares me. He is so hell bent on not having any consequences and it makes me think of those family annihilators.

    • “ultimately, assets will be split, period. ”

      And the longer it drags out the less for the fw as well as the betrayed.

    • “Sometimes his lack of acceptance of these realities scares me. ” Me too SortOfOverIt. My STBXFW rewrites reality as it suits him. He’ll even go so far as to cough or clear his throat over words he doesn’t like so he physically doesn’t have to hear them. And now, he’s rewriting our entire history, which includes 30 years of him cheating on me and having an entire secret sexual life that I knew nothing about, to make ME the villain. It’s insane.

      • We’re married to brothers! One night at dinner, before I could get him to move out, my STBX announced out of the blue ‘You know, I didn’t start cheating on you until I was in my fifties’.I didn’t even look up from my plate to tell him ‘We both know that’s not true’.

        However, he has put his most creative fiction into the sworn defence he presented to the court. We’ll see how that goes when we get to the trial he opted for. I guess he needs to paint me as a villain so he can justify his pathetic behaviour but I think it’s going to backfire on him and his sleazy lawyer big time. My lawyer told me if he was smart he wouldn’t admit to adultery and we couldn’t bring it up but there it is in black and white ‘I did not commit adultery’. Image management trumps all. I can’t wait to be free of this idiot.

    • As the ex said to me when I mentioned ‘consequences’, with a look of horror, ‘consequences, what consequences?’ I smirked at him and said no more, knowing that the divorce proceedings were in the post. Cheaters don’t have a monopoly on the ability to smirk and it’s good for chumps to remember that. My guess is that he was terrified that I would blow his image with his parents, but frankly it wasn’t worth the energy, even after 26 years. They are as bad as he is. I will shortly be celebrating the 3 year anniversary of our last inperson meeting. I recently reclaimed the table in the neutral bar where that last meeting took place, with a good friend. I felt nothing bar pride for when I am now.

    • SortOfOverIt , and not only that, in equitable distribution states, the judge can give one party more of the marital assets if the judge sees fit to do so. And sometimes they do.

      On a related note, one of my aunts received an alimony payment for her ex’s lifetime because he tried to hide assets, and the judge punished him with that. At least, that’s how I heard the story.

  • Seeing the comments elsewhere about Shakira being “a dried up prune” & the above ….all the justification that it’s A-okay to throw your family away for something that makes your dick harder….my heart is a little heavy today. I hope Struggling came out of it/is coming out of it okay.

    • Agreed. And not that it changes the pain of infidelity, but why oh why do these men not realize (especially older men that that hard dick won’t last once routine sets in.

      The is in long term marriages part of the value and yes excitement of long married sex, that person loves you and however you work the physical side out is with someone who loves you and accept you as you are.

      I have no doubt when my ex fw was hiding and sneaking that the thrill was tremendous for him. But, once he married the last whore, he was cheating on her almost immediately. It was common knowledge; quite frankly he didn’t put much effort into hiding it anymore.

    • Probably most of the senior FW’s are secretly relying on Viagra. I realized much later that one of the red flags was the “urgency” with which FW wanted sex with me. He was really annoyed if I wasn’t interested in a quickie. And, of course, my gut was telling me that he no longer cared about me or our marriage.

    • Not that it’s at all relevant here, but I happen to think Shakira is stunning. I don’t know what it is about her but I think she’s truly lovely – and I AM a dried up old prune!

  • SortOfOverIt wrote, “Sometimes his lack of acceptance of these realities scares me. He is so hell bent on not having any consequences and it makes me think of those family annihilators.”

    Listen your gut about those fears, contact a domestic violence organization and find out how to stay safe. When I discovered evidence of financial fraud, soon after D-DAy, he assaulted me and tween. His rage was immense because he wasn’t getting his own way, or getting the online Schmoopie who I proved was a catfisher. He tried to manipulate tween by threatening to kill me and tween’s pets. If he hadn’t had a few heart attacks, he might have carried out his threats. He was certainly hurting us every way he could. Before he left he sabotaged the house –electric lines, plumbing, alarm system, smoke detectors. Once gone, he kept changing my info with the DMV, utilities, etc., anything to make my life more difficult. Everything seemed so out of character. Looking back, I know he was a sore loser when it came to minor issues. THAT was his real character.

  • They are all the same:
    “I have talked to them and explained my thoughts.”

    (E.g. I discarded them and explained it with a little chat — “Daddy’s happy now!” We’re good.)
    pure evil. Good???!!! Youngest had panic attacks for years, middle attempted suicide and was in a lock down psych ward for months, eldest quit college team, lost scholarship, moved home to get minimum wage job in dishpit and became violently angry and suicidal. The devastation was beyond description. I will never forget what XH did to our kids. Never. It’s been 8 years and I’ve built a great new life but some trauma is too immemse to be forgotten. To say nothing of the abuse XH done to them since he discarded. That’s who XH is …. An abuser and her hasn’t changed one bit.

    • I agree, this kind of trauma can’t be forgotten. I don’t think it can be forgiven, either. You had to carry the burden of your own pain and also the horrible consequences to your children. I hope they are doing better and will be able to do well.

  • My ex was having an affair after 35 years married. It was going on for 2 years after I became the marriage police and found out. Red flags that I ignored but the Owhore
    and him tormented me to the point of myself losing my mind.
    Legally I couldn’t throw him out until we were divorced. It was one of the most traumatizing times of my life. But now 5 years later I’m in a better place. Financially strapped but have peace in my heart. The original woman he left me for died so he’s now with another woman whose 15 years older than him. He’s afraid to be alone. So she takes care of him. Almost feel sorry for him but then I remember the cruelty of him disposing of our family and never looking back. 😈

  • I am certain I define “happy” differently than Traitor Ex and secret side pieces.

    Quality people don’t think lying, cheating, stealing, betraying and abandoning your family, deceiving others are good ideas that will bring them happiness.

    I FORGOT Little Hammer’s DENTIST APPOINTMENT yesterday, FOR THE SECOND TIME since November, and I feel TERRIBLE. I don’t even want to imagine how awful I would feel behaving like Traitor Ex and his secret side pieces.

    Good people don’t screw around with people in committed relationships, and good people in committed relationships don’t screw around.

    It made Bernie Madoff very happy, for decades, to fuck over everyone in his orbit. He would have continued to do so if the stock market crash had not exposed him. He always made sure to have Norman Levy’s favorite ice cream on board his yacht. He called Norman Levy his father, best friend. He drained Norman Levy’s bank account. This all made him “happy.” Be happy like Bernie? Do I think Bernie knows happy?
    Nope.

    Cheaters play for Bernie Madoff’ team.

    Imagine the traitor with a baseball jersey, MADOFF on the back. Number 00. And think about if you agree with how they define “happy.”

    Opinions are not facts. Perceptions are not facts. Appearances are not facts.

    What matters is that you associate with people who share similar criteria for happiness.

    The idea of cheating or being in a relationship with someone cheating has always filled me with revulsion. If I have a choice between eating out of a garbage can or a restaurant, I’ll take the restaurant, thank you.

    Joanne Woodward and Paul Newman, whose relationship is often used to justify cheating and prove resulting Happiness, did not actually have the happy great “love story” they were believed to have.

    Also hilarious is how Happy Cheaters get SO UPSET if they get cheated on. There is an episode of Tori and Dean where Tori finds out Dean cheated that is especially schadenfreudelicious to watch if you are a chump.

    If hurting others results in happiness for you, please stay far away from me and those I love.

  • OMG that “but” in the first sentence killed me. “I appreciate you telling me about daughter, BUT” BUT WHAT??? But I have better things to do with my time than listen to shit about my kids??? WTF??? Holy Fuckwit Batman- he’s not even PRETENDING to care about his kids.

  • Just wait until his saggy balls can’t keep up with his very young kids, and his younger gal starts looking for greener pastures as being with a much older dude is a buzz kill…

  • Struggling, you have now seen the real FW you were married to…the mask has fallen. Decent people, even every day selfish jerks do not intentionally engage in cruel antics. His response was meant to make you feel like shit and it worked. Attempting to make someone like him feel embarrassed, ashamed or have regrets is simply not possible. He has a new life now and you, the kids are just annoying. Go no contact and do not push the kids into having a relationship with a man that would prefer they just go away. Sure he’ll go through the motions with the kids because not doing so would really expose who he really is…but it will then make the kids feel like shit. Get a balls to the wall lawyer and get everything possible. Then go forward without having this defect in your life.

  • This guy is a grade A asshole with his fake “sorry you feel that way” apology. This is exactly the attitude I got. He even nearly cried at times and said “ I just want to move on with my new partner” as if his wife and daughter were just hurdles to his true happiness. I think they are happier at first because they got what they wanted. My ex was so concerned with achieving his entitled happiness and yet- as mentioned by others- he wouldn’t finish things with me. They are selfish, entitled in-human creatures who don’t care who they hurt. In fact, many of these types seem to enjoy the sadness they create. Anyone who can send a cold text like that after sharing 25 years with someone is a vampire. And no, they won’t maintain their “happiness” forever.

    • Yes I got the advice from more than 1 person to divorce ASAP. Because they would give you more in agreement initially and the longer it dragged on the less you would get. Good advice. Maybe because they have remorse? I doubt that. Maybe they are initially happy? Maybe. But then realize after a short while they are still unhappy with new person. Or perhaps they realize their joy comes from abusing you and you are not there to abuse. Sadz.

      • Yeah. FW’s “happiness” was short lived. He ended up just as miserable with OW. And then she left him and he was all alone. Their relationship fell apart when I (FINALLY) decided to step out of that messy triangle. I healed enough that I just didn’t care about him and her anymore. FW would try to goad me and I stopped taking the bait. So it wasn’t fun for him anymore because it didn’t work. I refused to see or speak to schmoopie at all, beyond saying hello if I absolutely had to. They didn’t have me to abuse anymore, so they turned on each other. FW dragged our divorce out so long that he ended up broke. His lawyer dropped him for nonpayment (even after schmoopie had given FW over $20K). FW thought he was smarter than either his lawyer or mine, but he started to realize he wasn’t when the proceedings started going my way. I was awarded primary custody of our son. FW spiraled downward and ended up taking his own life.

  • Chump lady is 120% correct. These men that abandoned the family do not care. The problem is that we do. One Tin Man has no heart and it is not you. To weep upon a gravestone does not bring anyone back and it is truly a waste of tears and energy that could be used calling your lawyer and upping the alimony and lowering the visits if this man has no love for his family left. Which he doesn’t. I wept and gnashed my teeth and begged and cried over two men 32 years apart. Each time they didn’t care and each time I just went to my lawyer and said let’s get this ball on down the bowling aisle to the pins. My plan with both men was to go to mediation attended by my lawyer and get it nailed down quickly without the back and forth and the years of craziness that could be better spent focusing on my children. Mediation with both your lawyers and a extremely competent mediator could cut the time down to complete the final process without all the emails going back and forth. It must be a mediator that knows about abusive men so you have to pick carefully. You’re a lawyer must be present to make firm it in the law. My children are now 34 and 40 and doing well. Still going back and forth to visit their dad and they have their own relationship without me involved. My current divorce has no children and I knew quickly that this man also did not have a heart and I didn’t waste but 10 days before I filed. You learn from experience and you go on. Please do not waste your time crying over a shriveled heartless Tin Man prune pit. Go look for some live loving people 💗💗they are out there. Don’t just look for new men either. The Sisterhood of wonderful women are out there too and they provide a lifetime of love and fun without the drama of Affairs and dropping you like a hot rock. Go do your life and love your children. This is from a two-time abandoned woman who is proud to be alone but with tons of meaningful friends and relationships. Also God sustains me daily. Don’t give up keep going.

  • Very familiar to me

    These disordered types love to TAUNT their victims

    I see it years later; he used to taunt me about the kids liking him more, now it’s that the grandkids are visiting him more. I never reply and he barely ever contacts me now

    Don’t fall for it, it is only another form of ABUSE

    Get a tough lawyer and press ahead dumping this toxic trashy man

  • I’ve always been fascinated by odd and probabilities. I enjoyed going to the racetrack as a kid, and one small vice I still have to this day is I like to gamble (within reason and under control.) That said, let’s look at the odds here: Your estranged husband has a poor character. He impregnated another woman while he was still married to you. He’s in the shiny new object phase with the new car smell. We all know that wears off and reality comes knocking on the door. Could this be the love he’s been waiting a lifetime for, and could they skate into the future, unscathed and blissful? Well, yeah, maybe. Could happen. Shitty people do get away with a lot in life, but the odds, long term, are against it. As it’s been mentioned many, many times before on this site, people like your ex do not suddenly get character transplants.

    You became the scapegoat for his inner unhappiness and his inability to be deeper than a glass of spilled milk. He’s uncomfortable in his own skin and he can’t deal with the reality of the problems life will bring (sidebar for “Moonstruck” fans: “Cosmo, I just want you to know, no matter what you do, you’re gonna die…”) Shiny new object comes along and gets pregnant. As CL says, “new baby smell.”

    If I had to bet a stack of green chips on the situation, here’s how I think it’s gonna go down: New car smell wears off. Character defects remain, for both parties. Kid grows up. Expenses get tighter. Tensions grow. Eyes wander. Her episiotomy scar may develop tough scar tissue, making sex uncomfortable. “Not tonight hon, I have a headache…” becomes more common. Oops, problems have to be solved and dealt with. Shallow Hal gets unhappy, sad and frustrated. He heads to another car dealership looking for shiny new wheels, except now he’s older and his funds are diluted. Too bad, so sad. It’s a story as old as the ages.

    Don’t allow his facade of fairy dust confuse or anger you, or worse, impact your ability to move on. Grieve, get angry, then move on. Reinvent your life and grab newfound happiness, knowing you are a fully functioning human being with depth, character and emotion. He’s not. Baby Mama is putting $5 on number 17 on the Roulette table if she thinks she’s going to live happily ever after with him. Long shot. Good luck!

    • True about the EP scar, or even more likely age has taken its toll and the Johnson and adjoining body, just ain’t as firm and dependable as it used to be and she goes looking for harder pastures. Either in the marriage, (so she can keep the money) or she falls for a hard Johnson and leaves him cold.

      • True about the scapegoat part. If you remove yourself from the triangle it’s difficult for him to blame you. He sounds pathetic if he does. Boo hoo I have been divorced for 40 years and haven’t spoken to my ex in 40 years. She is the reason my life is so bad now. I never recovered from her abuse. My kids, I was such a great dad seeing them twice a year, My ex turned them against me. They don’t talk to me because of her not because I never showed up for my visitation weekends! It’s always her ! Disordered people need to blame others always.

  • I know this is a rerun but I would recommend, for anyone in this position. You need to divorce ASAP so that he will get a lot of pressure from AP to get married. Get a great bulldog lawyer to fight for you and don’t pay it any attention. It’s possible he’s dragging it out because she is pressuring him to get married. And boy oh boy once you are taken out of the triangle it gets Uber boring. Welcome to their s*** show! 70 % second marriages end in divorce. And the other 30% may not be happy just staying in it because. You will see the beautiful s*** show unfold. And you will be happy and chuckle. You will be fine. But gets your kids in therapy. The quicker they learn to let go of their sperm donor the better!

    • My lawyer speculated that FW was dragging out the divorce for this very reason – to avoid marrying OW. I sat back with my popcorn and their relationship blew up with zero help from me.

      FW had blamed me for all his problems, especially the financial ones. It was kind of hilarious that once we split our finances, FW ended up in dire financial straits (in spite of OW handing him copious amounts of money, and sharing expenses with him) and my bank account continued to grow. I now have a decent amount of savings, am debt free (besides my car), and am in the process of buying a house (on my own, with no help from anyone). I’ve been able to completely support myself and my son. OW left and FW died broke and alone.

  • The “seventh house of Fuckwit”– I can’t stop laughing.

    Why do I sense the FW in this case sought Schmoopie’s counsel in writing the text if she didn’t outright pen it? Maybe he always used juvenile “u” for “you” but it sounds very odd for a forty/fifty something dentist or whatever he is that requires a technician. And the text sounds like every Schmoopie’s fantasy of what a FW should say to a chump.

    It probably depends on what type of FW he is. If he’s that particular type of dissociated narcissists who– though they may be busily efficient in one area and manage their double lives like the MI6– seem to check out at home while their chumps gradually get roped into over-functioning in all the areas FWs under-function in, he may have formed a contract with Schmoopie where he’s not allowed to interact with his STBX without oversight and management.

    If that’s the case, it would hardly exonerate the FW in this situation since he’s orchestrating the dynamics. From reading so many chump narratives and having my own experience, I get the feeling that certain kinds of FWs yearn to “de-individuate” like a baby crawling back into the womb in order to lead a floaty, stressless, thoughtless, daydream of a life where all their needs are met at all times. But God help any partner who doesn’t fulfill this manifesto. It’s a full time job and if you dare fail, you’ll see the vindictive baby-rage brewing underneath. As for whether the OP’s soon-to-be-ex is really “happy” at the moment, I think it all depends on the sweaty efforts of the AP to coddle the giant man-baby. If the AP went so far as to breed with a cheater, she’s clearly chasing the mail truck for all it’s worth.

    A lot of people object to the trope of the side piece who manipulates cheaters into cheating and “alienates affections” and I get why it’s absurd. It lets cheaters off the hook for their starring role in abuse in betrayal. But I can also see things that at least feed the impression. Someone here put it well when they said disordered people in general and FWs in particular are like hermit crabs looking for identities to occupy when the old “shell” gets too confining. They find someone to mirror and invest in fulfilling the expected role like gonzo method actors. They believe their own performances for awhile, believe themselves to be truly sincere, until the relationship they’re drawing their identity and kibbles aren’t filling all their infantile needs. I have a personal theory that most cheaters ricochet from one type of partner to the opposite in trying go find “Baby Bear’s bed.” They’ll switch from seeking a wholesome chump to someone who offers to let freak flags fly and back again. But when the relationship inevitably a) gets too tight in the crotch and restrictive of their secret feeding activities; or b) doesn’t lead them to the dream life they thought would result from adopting an new identity (wearing the “spouse suit”); or c) if the relationship is so mutually compulsive that they start fearing for appearances or their own survival, they hunt for a new target to mirror, usually one that seems to offer compensatory “relief” from the former, and that target will, at least for a time, be given the reigns so FW can re-individuate and crawl back to the comfy, floaty womb. At least until boredom sets in or the human host hemorrhages or bolts. Rinse, repeat.

    Anyway, so much for “happy” appearances.

    • I think that is a really excellent and realistic capture of the MO of fuckwits, HOAC!
      Let us know when your book comes out, I sure want to own a copy!
      You have a brilliant mind, you bring the deep dive, blow your mind angles of these devious abusive characters into incredible clarity. Always enjoy your input, thanks for it! 👍😊

  • I guarantee that the FW in this story is getting mega pressure from his AP to marry her (“we have a child now!”). He doesn’t actually want to and as long as he’s married to Strugging/Chump, he has an excuse.

    • I am pretty sure my fw did the same thing.

      In my case I had only requested 6 months of temp maintenance to get my bearings and plan. When the six months came near my lawyer called and told me that fw had requested a delay, and he asked if I was ok with that. (otherwise he could push for the final D). I said does he still have to pay the bills, he said yep. So I said fine by me. It was six more months before the D was finalized.

      It took me a while for that to hit me as the reason, I didn’t know why he delayed. I knew he had no illusions of us getting back together, he had done way too much shit by then.

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