UBT: ‘I’m in a Good Place Now’

I know that this is a rerun, but it’s a neverending, sad story. It hurts like heck, but indeed trust that they suck. My wonderful attorney had a more colorful term and called my 60-something ex “the boy” because he didn’t deserve to be called a man, in his opinion. LOL. My attorney was in his late sixties and a traditional type. His wife was the business manager of the firm, and they had been married for 40+ years. I adored him, and he gave me so much more than just the law. He treated me like a big brother would. It was expensive because my ex wouldn’t let go and considered himself to be smarter than the two attorneys but eventually, we got it when his attorney basically changed sides and muscled him into signing. You know it’s bad when opposing counsel is sending you messages through your attorney that their client is delusional and a big jerk in their eyes.

If these types don’t own up to themselves, you can’t make them.

It’s amazing that they think they can just say “I am not giving you anything”. In the US at least, they don’t have a choice. Sure, they can drag out the case, but ultimately, assets will be split, period. My FW freaks out any time he is faced with reality at all. “Rent is so high” “How are we going to do afford two households?” “I don’t want to NOT see my kid every day”. And he just keeps saying how hard this is going to be financially. Harder for me as he makes more $. I am not thrilled to be divorcing at 50, but he has a gf, so my options are rather limited. But the pure idiocy of it kills me. We will split custody as evenly as makes sense, I don’t want my kid to be shuffled back and forth every 2 hours, but I have zero intention of keeping them from their dad. But he keeps getting so torn up that there will be some days he doesn’t see them. My Dude, you’ve been involved with another woman for YEARS, you’ve had plenty of time to think about this. Did it never occur to you that in order to be with schmoopie full time, our marriage would end and that would mean shared custody? Sometimes his lack of acceptance of these realities scares me. He is so hell bent on not having any consequences and it makes me think of those family annihilators.

SortOfOverIt wrote, “Sometimes his lack of acceptance of these realities scares me. He is so hell bent on not having any consequences and it makes me think of those family annihilators.”

Listen your gut about those fears, contact a domestic violence organization and find out how to stay safe. When I discovered evidence of financial fraud, soon after D-DAy, he assaulted me and tween. His rage was immense because he wasn’t getting his own way, or getting the online Schmoopie who I proved was a catfisher. He tried to manipulate tween by threatening to kill me and tween’s pets. If he hadn’t had a few heart attacks, he might have carried out his threats. He was certainly hurting us every way he could. Before he left he sabotaged the house –electric lines, plumbing, alarm system, smoke detectors. Once gone, he kept changing my info with the DMV, utilities, etc., anything to make my life more difficult. Everything seemed so out of character. Looking back, I know he was a sore loser when it came to minor issues. THAT was his real character.

My ex was having an affair after 35 years married. It was going on for 2 years after I became the marriage police and found out. Red flags that I ignored but the Owhore
and him tormented me to the point of myself losing my mind.
Legally I couldn’t throw him out until we were divorced. It was one of the most traumatizing times of my life. But now 5 years later I’m in a better place. Financially strapped but have peace in my heart. The original woman he left me for died so he’s now with another woman whose 15 years older than him. He’s afraid to be alone. So she takes care of him. Almost feel sorry for him but then I remember the cruelty of him disposing of our family and never looking back. 😈

I’ve always been fascinated by odd and probabilities. I enjoyed going to the racetrack as a kid, and one small vice I still have to this day is I like to gamble (within reason and under control.) That said, let’s look at the odds here: Your estranged husband has a poor character. He impregnated another woman while he was still married to you. He’s in the shiny new object phase with the new car smell. We all know that wears off and reality comes knocking on the door. Could this be the love he’s been waiting a lifetime for, and could they skate into the future, unscathed and blissful? Well, yeah, maybe. Could happen. Shitty people do get away with a lot in life, but the odds, long term, are against it. As it’s been mentioned many, many times before on this site, people like your ex do not suddenly get character transplants.

You became the scapegoat for his inner unhappiness and his inability to be deeper than a glass of spilled milk. He’s uncomfortable in his own skin and he can’t deal with the reality of the problems life will bring (sidebar for “Moonstruck” fans: “Cosmo, I just want you to know, no matter what you do, you’re gonna die…”) Shiny new object comes along and gets pregnant. As CL says, “new baby smell.”

If I had to bet a stack of green chips on the situation, here’s how I think it’s gonna go down: New car smell wears off. Character defects remain, for both parties. Kid grows up. Expenses get tighter. Tensions grow. Eyes wander. Her episiotomy scar may develop tough scar tissue, making sex uncomfortable. “Not tonight hon, I have a headache…” becomes more common. Oops, problems have to be solved and dealt with. Shallow Hal gets unhappy, sad and frustrated. He heads to another car dealership looking for shiny new wheels, except now he’s older and his funds are diluted. Too bad, so sad. It’s a story as old as the ages.

Don’t allow his facade of fairy dust confuse or anger you, or worse, impact your ability to move on. Grieve, get angry, then move on. Reinvent your life and grab newfound happiness, knowing you are a fully functioning human being with depth, character and emotion. He’s not. Baby Mama is putting $5 on number 17 on the Roulette table if she thinks she’s going to live happily ever after with him. Long shot. Good luck!