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UBT: The OW Sends a Self-Help Book

Universal Bullshit Translator
The Universal Bullshit Translator

Hi Chump Lady!

I wrote to you, detailing how my cheating ex got cheated on by his mistress and how karma, completely un-looked for at this stage, caught up with him.

WELL….Today I received a package (at my office!) from the EX mistress with an “inspirational book” and a letter from the Schmoopie. The book is “Ask and it is Given, Learning to Manifest your Desires.” by Esther and Jerry Hicks (with foreword by Dr. Wayne Dwyer).

This is what the note she sent along with it said:

Dear JJ,

I wanted to thank you for reaching out last year after I received my diagnosis (she was diagnosed with Stage I breast cancer and I, nice chump that I am, offered my ex support on info for finding a great oncologist as I work in a doctor’s office). That was incredibly kind of you. Over the past year I’ve had the opportunity to reflect and make changes in my life. As I’ve stepped away from (the business) and my relationship with C (my ex) draws to a close, I look back with regret that C and I started seeing each other before your divorce was finalized. Hindsight being 20/20 I would have chosen differently. I am deep with remorse over the pain that it caused you.

I am not sure if it is any interest to you but I found this book to be incredibly liberating as I’ve gone through the healing process. My hope is that it might bring you as much empowerment as it brought me. Sending you much joy, success and happiness always.

Schmoopie

Uhm, what????? This woman was married to her THIRD husband when she started cheating with my ex. My ex had not once stated he was unhappy with our marriage, had never asked to go to counseling and only knew this woman for three months before they started fooling around. My kids lost their father for years after that, if they didn’t accept the situation he simply ignored them and any of their needs (except my younger daughter, who he forced to live with him so he wouldn’t have to pay child support — she spent every minute at his house in her room and still resents it to this day).

I sent a picture of the letter and book to my ex, explaining that I would appreciate it if he would advise his EX mistress that I no longer want or need “enlightenment” or “healing” or ANY advice from this woman. He immediately text me and then actually called me to apologize. He offered to call her and ask her not to contact me again. You know what? I told him she wasn’t worth it then and she isn’t worth it now.

Still living my wonderful new life over here!!! Thanks again for all you do!

JJ

****

Dear JJ,

I guess you asked for karma, and it was given, so no need for the book. #manifestdestiny

Geez, what a nutter. She must miss the centrality. So here’s a Law of Attraction book? (KIBBLES! COME TO ME!)

I did a little googling about the authors and what surely must be a solid literary recommendation…

Jerry Hicks was a former circus acrobat who sold Amway. Esther channels a celestial consciousness she calls “Abraham” and writes down its wisdom. (Is Abraham getting residuals?)

Maybe they were both getting high off the fumes from those cleaning products. I can’t believe there are enough idiots in the U.S. to make this a best-seller. Then again, America loves a grifter. Especially a pseudo-Christian grifter. With bad hair.

How lovely that Schmoopie is so invested in your happiness and healing. Like $11.95 worth of investment in a cheap paperback. Plus shipping.

Shall we UBT her note?

I wanted to thank you for reaching out last year after I received my diagnosis That was incredibly kind of you.

I wanted to remind you that I’m still alive and require your attention. Cancer cannot kill me. Nor can your kind thoughts and oncology recommendations. I LIVE! And all that sustains me is KIBBLES!

Over the past year I’ve had the opportunity to reflect and make changes in my life.

Changes like swapping out yet another soul mate and finalizing my third divorce.

As I’ve stepped away from (the business)

Fucked a co-worker/fiddled the accounts/committed gross indecencies with office supplies…

and my relationship with C draws to a close,

He is no swingline heavy duty stapler.

I look back with regret that C and I started seeing each other before your divorce was finalized.

The divorce I set into motion by cheating with him.

I look back with regret that I… didn’t learn the Laws of Attraction sooner. Had Esther and Jerry (via Abraham) only revealed The Secret earlier (for small monthly installments of $195) I’m positive I would’ve destroyed your marriage in under 3 months.

Now I Manifest My Desires and Chico’s sales ladies quake. I am master of the sales rack.

Hindsight being 20/20 I would have chosen differently.

I don’t know if leopard-print track wear suits me. Impulse buy.

I am deep with remorse over the pain that it caused you.

I am deep with remorse over the pain of you ignoring me. I HAVE A NEW OUTFIT. And a NEW SOUL MATE. WHY DO YOU DENY ME?

I am not sure if it is any interest to you

So let me send a package to your workplace ala the Unibomber. Check it for explosives. Dust it for anthrax. Oh hey,  it’s a self-help book. #run

but I found this book to be incredibly liberating as I’ve gone through the healing process.

Let me serve as an example to you. Yes, I Schmoopie, Fucker of Other Women’s Husbands, Desire Made Manifest, Master of the Sales Rack ($9.99 jeggings!) am telling you how to live.

The Secret is Accessories. And cold indifference to the suffering of others. And warm grays.

My hope is that it might bring you as much empowerment as it brought me.

My hope is that if I can’t be your nemesis, let me be your spirit guide!

Sending you much joy, success and happiness always.

Sending you leftovers. You can have your husband back. All the shiny has worn off. Kisses!

***

Rock on with your new life, JJ!

***

This is a rerun, but everyone can use a Tuesday karma story.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • Ah yes — an oldie but a goodie that inspired one of my fav parodies.

    To the tune of: “Abraham, Martin and John” (Dion)

    Has anybody here seen our old friend Abraham?
    Can you tell us what he knows?
    He’s got a lot to tell us, but it seems only Esther can.
    Would you like some Amway clothes?

    Has anybody here seen our old friend C?
    Can you tell us where he went?
    He scammed a lotta people, but it seems cheaters just can’t resist
    He’s a lying malcontent.

    Has anybody here seen our old friend Schmoopie?
    Can you tell us where she fled?
    She wed a lotta people, but it seems she just can’t help herself.
    On to someone else’s bed.

    Didn’t you love the shit they peddled?
    Didn’t they try to find some way to swindle you?
    But you’ll be cool,
    Meh comes soon, it’s gonna be a Tuesday . . .

    Has anybody here seen my old friend JJ?
    Can you tell us where she’d be?
    I thought I saw her walking away from the bullshit
    Of Abraham, Schmoopie and C.

    https://www.chumplady.com/cheater-song-parodies/

    • What a great response, UXworld. Hard to believe someone destroying a marriage would write, “Sending you much joy, success and happiness always” when their actions did the opposite. Although ultimately, OP was better off and presumably happier and more joyful after her success divorcing the cheater.

      • It’s not hard to believe that someone who doesn’t value marriage doesn’t see destroying one as a big deal.

        This tramp was cheating on hb #3 so she obviously doesn’t value marriage.

        My ex’s trashy whore was on marriage #5 and still carrying on with him. I told him he’d wrecked our marriage (he didn’t want a divorce) for a piece of shit that didn’t clearly didn’t value marriage or commitments. He had all kinds of sadz but did get quite upset when I called her trash. Trash isn’t good for his phony image.

        • Alright, Kim! You’re hitting those nails on the, the, …what do they call those things attached to our necks? Oh, right, body midsections! No, wait, that’s not it.🤔 Heads! That’s it! Heads! You’re hitting them.😁

          And now you’ve made me think of the rule I’ve cobbled together (ok, I’m sure CL or someone in CN has said or thought of this already, but this is my personal take, for what it’s worth🤷‍♂️):

          If you [insert fuckwit’s name here] couldn’t honor our commitment of marriage or at least fidelity to each other through your lack of love and/or character, I’m pretty sure you’re incapable of actually doing it w/someone else or at least understanding why it’s important in relationships to begin with!

          So go ahead, marry or get seriously involved w/your new fuckwit partner. I don’t care. Because, if you are that lacking in character, and/or the understanding of love and/or fidelity in that love (or just plain old fidelity in general!), I’m sure you’re not really invested in anyone besides yourself and your wants and desires.

          You’ve found the turd of the moment for yourself, so why should I care? And they have (probably) little to no idea of the turd they’ve found in you. Have fun exploring the world w/your awful new partner, and vice versa for them. You two turds deserve each other. Now leave me the fuck alone.

          And don’t fuck up the kids anymore than you already have (assuming there are any). You’ll get me angry. You won’t like me when I’m angry.🤬[apologies to Stan Lee for using his lines for The Hulk]

          Happy Tuesday Kim, CL and CN!😊Maybe if we look really hard, we might see meh on the horizon. For those of you that have reached meh, don’t forget about those of us still slogging it out.

    • “I thought I saw her walking away from the bullshit
      Of Abraham, Schmoopie and C.”
      Well done UXworld!
      Creativity certainly seems to be synonymous with being chumped. 😊👍

  • you n why she sent it to u work place. she thought u would cry and be distraught. u colleagues would pity you. shes missing the pick me dance, or she suspects u ex is back in contact. im 49 and never been married, never mind 3 times. maybe shes planning the 4 wedding, might even get a invite

  • Wow, just Wow. These Schmoopies love to be central! So far, I have not heard from the primary Schmoopie or any of the local hookups or happy ending girls. Ex continues with his dating profile even though he and Schmoopie (32 years younger than him) are supposed to be madly in love. Guess he needs some extra kibble.
    Meanwhile, I will continue to manifest my desire for no contact and an authentic life.
    Thanks for laugh JJ and I hope you are living your best FW free life.
    Extra Lebkuchen for the UBT!!!!!

  • I guess I’m not a “nice chump” because I wouldn’t be offering up doctor advice for APs (FWs either). Love that you got karma, but the old chump in me worries that you still have some chumpiness to kill off.

    • My thoughts too. And no contact means no contact. Calling X afterwards sounds like pick me dancing … ask me how I know🤦‍♀️. I spent 26 years with XH and have 3 kids with him. It took 7 years to get really good at no contact but it helps so much.

  • Quote: He is no swingline heavy duty stapler.

    I laughed so hard the dogs were startled.

    Missed this one the first time around, thanks for the laugh on a dreary winter morning.

  • Nice job CL, that was quite a deep load of contaminated muck to be sloshing through! (Hope you had your high waders on and UBT’s outlets are GFCI certified)
    One benefit of being chumped is that it affords us x-ray vision into the substance of cheaters, confirming our strong held suspicions. They are, in fact, as empty a cavern as anyone will ever find.

    Ex Schmoops view of self for sending that book and note:
    Life is really tough on me! ☹️People make mistakes, I didn’t mean to hurt anyone! I’m just chasing happiness like everyone else. Why shouldn’t I be happy too, I’m such a good person and really care about others.
    I am the bigger person here for admitting my mistakes and offering such a thoughtful kind gesture, everyone deserves forgiveness.
    I’ve forgiven myself for destroying your life and it’s so liberating for me!! I just want to share this great wonderful joy of freedom from my guilt with you!! I’ve transcended the ranks of the ordinary by my generosity of spirit.
    I’ve become a good person again by this amazing kindness I’ve given to you.
    ( now onto the next group of lives she can destroy with her extraordinary skills!)

    • “I’ve forgiven myself for destroying your life and it’s so liberating for me!! I just want to share this great wonderful joy of freedom from my guilt with you!! I’ve transcended the ranks of the ordinary by my generosity of spirit.
      I’ve become a good person again by this amazing kindness I’ve given to you.
      ( now onto the next group of lives she can destroy with her extraordinary skills!)”

      That is exactly where she’s coming from. It couldn’t be more obvious that she was using sending a book as a way to absolve herself.

  • The ground-level messaging in the Abraham stuff includes the usual stuff of the genre, like always choosing to see the present time as a joyful life lesson no matter how bad you feel, viewing human life and meaning from a relatively detached “higher being” sort of perspective, and applying both of those concepts to love everyone for the gifts they provide to help you move toward becoming a higher being.

    This messaging is strongly aligned with the messaging of Perel and the entire RIC. The subtle message of “if you feel anything but love and joy, you aren’t doing it right, so don’t blame others, work harder” is just as harmful in the Abraham stuff as in the Perel and other RIC stuff (and the MLM sales model, for that matter.)

    It’s a seductive genre because it provides a path to avoiding one’s less pleasant realities while providing a way to feel somewhat euphoric with the permissive support of others who are doing the same. So, in that sense, it is rather drug-like. It also constructs a very effective starting gate for anyone who wants to lure people into a susceptible mental space that can entice them to give their agency (and money and energy) over to a controlling sociopath.

    I have no doubt whatsoever that the schmoopie is finding personal absolution in teachings that help her detach from the real-world harm and consequences that come from her terrible choices. The offer of “healing” is wrapped in shiny “see, I’m not a bad person, I was good for your higher self!” paper, from my point of view.

    As always, self-oriented people remain oriented toward seeking their own gain. They just get better with time at acting as if they care about others while they do it.

    (From my point of view, there’s a zero percent chance the ex husband was putting on a concerned act and really just enjoyed the centrality of being contacted about it as well. But, that’s not really on-topic.)

    • Excellent points, Amiisfree. There can be an element of toxic positivity in the “live in the moment mindfulness,” and the possibility of isolating each moment so that one divorces one’s actions from later consequences.

      (and I completely agree about the husband–pure “Look at me! Look at me!” moment for him. These people are so predictable.)

      • Thanks for interpreting correctly what I wrote poorly — changed my direction midstream about the ex and wrote my sentence backwards. I believe the ex was only *truly* concerned about his centrality, and you totally grasped my groove. 🙂

        You inspired me to re-think my words about live in the moment mindfulness, too. Each way of thinking has ways it can be functional and ways it can be dysfunctional. Living mindfully in the moment with integrity, and seeing the good and the lesson in even very hard things, has positives — as long as we aren’t ignoring all of the other things that are true. I can observe the way things in my life are making me stronger and smarter, and be grateful for those good things I’m gaining, without also having to simultaneously fall in love with how shitty they are, think it’s great to be treated badly, give up my agency, or continue to tolerate a person’s BS, LOL!

        You may not have intended to open all those perspectives with your brief reply, but they all came up on my end, so thanks for sharing. 🙂

    • “I have no doubt whatsoever that the schmoopie is finding personal absolution in teachings that help her detach from the real-world harm and consequences that come from her terrible choices.”

      This goes for the cheaters, too. Replace “the schmoopie” with “the cheater” and you’ll have described my ex. His “teachings” of choice are Buddhist (his version of Buddhism, that is).

      • So true, Adelante! It can be incredibly convenient to leverage a perspective that attachment is a weakness and detachment a strength if you want to manipulate other people consequence-free. That’s not what the philosophy actually is, of course, but a huge number of people who didn’t grow up Buddhist and adopt it later seem to apply it selectively when it suits their purposes. (Which is sad and unfair for the people who aren’t making a spectacle of actual legit beliefs and don’t use them as an excuse for harm. It’s a beautiful way of life for those in whom it’s authentic.)

        May your cheater ex choke on his boutique store OM pendant, ha!

    • My verbally vicious, pathologically competitive, misogynistic ex-MIL has been a devotee of a yoga sect founded by a child molester for most of her adult life. A recent study on how some use meditation and “mindfulness” to snuff conscience and enable aggressive behavior rang a lot of bells.

  • If anyone in CN wants a laugh watch this Hicks woman in action. She’s all over youtube. She channels some old guy named Abraham with an accent, no less and talks in circles. People actually pay to see her and ask questions. From what I viewed on youtube they never receive an answer only some condescending response.

  • I know this is a rerun but I would send the book back with no comment attached or a simple “Please do not contact me again.”

    If I were REALLY feeling nice? “I’m glad the cancer treatment worked but please do not contact me again.”

    There is nothing these people hate worse than when you dismiss them, shut them down and refuse to engage.

  • “I look back with regret that C and I started seeing each other before your divorce was finalized.”

    Holy minimization! Consider the affair a timing error. Basically she’s saying that “The divorce would have happened anyway. Inevitable!! Heck, I simply helped push it along, like blowing a golf ball into the hole. It was already teetering! No big deal!!”

    “Now let me educate you so you can be enlightened like me.”

    Yet another example of a cheater’s shocking lack of self-awareness and feeling of superiority. The “sorry…not sorry” is strong in this one.

  • Sigh. “I, Schmoopie…am telling you how to live.” That may have been the second worst aspect of divorce (after the infidelity)–unsolicited advice from people for how to overcome your trauma, and move on with your life (often with “forgiveness benefits you, Tempest” thrown in). Yawn. It was amazing during/after my divorce how many people pretended to tout their newly-minted Ph.D.s in clinical psychology (without ever entering a classroom or having an internship!).

    My two favorites were from a mutual friend urging me to forgive Hannibal Lecher and attain a “state of grace,” and the letter from a chump GF of a close friend (who had never even met me), advising, “And for your children’s sake make friends with their Father. As I told my divorced son, the best gift he could give his daughter is to be friends with her Mother and he did it, and is immensely rewarded with a balanced and open child – comfortable with knowing that both parents love her and respect each other.” Well, here I am 8 years later, NOT friends with my X, and my children are doing just fine knowing I am the sane parent who has their back.

    • Few things are more galling than being told that we have to befriend cheaters for the sake of the kids or simply for our own well-being.

      My ex-MIL was a master of this kind of advice. She came at it from a religious angle. I might approach her godly state of grace if I could forgive her son and resume contact with the entire family.

      It’s like telling someone who’s been stabbed in the gut that she should run along and make make nice with the stabber.

      The subtext in all this is that people don’t think that cheating is a big deal. They don’t see it as abuse. Therefore, they think that we should get over it….and pronto because not getting over it makes everyone feel uncomfortable. #kumbaya

      Glad you’re doing well, Tempest! 💪 👏

    • “A ‘state of grace'”! Who are you supposed to channel? Mary? Will the world bow to you and chant “Hail Tempest, full of grace”?!
      No thanks. I’ll put Tempest’s “Caliban” up against Esther’s “Abraham” anytime!

    • The *arrogance* of some people is mind boggling. Did you reply to her ? I know I’d have been tempted to let fly with some home truths.

    • I abhor this narrative of being friends with the ex. No thank you. I am civil and that is all ex and OW get. Luckily, I’m no longer central in their lives, so I’ve fizzled out of their game-playing, thank goodness.

      I also hate it from my own upbringing perspective. My mother is a narcissist. She left the family home when I was young and took all the money from the joint account and took the furniture from the house. My dad was left with nothing and his daughters to raise. She and her AP took the money and started a new life…until AP left with all the money that she had taken from the joint account. She came crawling back – she wanted to come home.

      They didn’t reconcile, but they are still friends to this day! My sisters and I have had to endure her presence since her return. It would have been better for us all if she didn’t return into our lives. She has used people her whole life and I met someone just like her. You only need one sane parent totally rings true for me.

  • Isn’t it funny how their broken heart apologies never have a big fat certified check with them to demonstrate genuine remorse?

  • I love that the dude gives my ex advice or agrees with my ex when it comes to my sons.

    It’s another boundary I have to work on. I don’t care what your dude thinks, it what we think is right for our boys, I don’t need to hear his advice or have his opinion when he’s been in their lives less than a year.

    But hey, insta-dad knows.

    • One chump dude to another . . .

      No contact is critical here and may help you strengthen that boundary. You can’t control what goes on in that dynamic which unfortunately involves your boys, but you can ensure that anything having to do with them is a matter kept strictly between you and your ex. He can give her all the advice he wants, but he needs to know that all decisions are solely between you and your ex. Assuming you’re not a convicted felon, raging alcoholic or drug abuser, pedophile, etc. every court in Amercia will back you up.

      • This is so true and excellent advice to shore up that boundary. My current husband and I talk all the time about how to manage matters pertaining to my kids and to his kids. We take each other’s counsel but the decisions are left to the actual biological parents. I would not want him to share my opinions with his cheating ex-wife. If my thoughts inform his decision he can, and does, present his thoughts to his ex-wife as his own – because they are. A two-household situation is hard enough to manage without adding extra parents.

        Yikes, Josh, I’m pissed off on your behalf just reading this. I’m sorry you have to deal with that extra shit on your shit sandwich but UXworld is right, cut that contact as much as possible. A firm but friendly refrain “only two opinions count here” might be useful. The kids will appreciate the firm boundary as well.

        • I am no contact with her unless it’s about the kids, but she’ll sprinkle his name into the conversation about decisions we’re making and what he thinks. I am addressing this soon.

  • This one stung.
    X’s first affair (must ALWAYS add – “that I know of” ) was long distance, a FB find! She was into the Hicks family circus. She sent X CD’s of their bullshittery – from what I can recall, a lot of it had to do with “pivoting toward your happiness” which I interpreted to mean: “Ditch your wife and come to me”
    She’s the same one who was all about saving the Sea Turtles.
    X thought her so evolved. And kind.
    Once, crying, I asked him- “she wants to save a sea turtle? What about me?”
    I got a letter from her, too. After I outed her to her husband.
    It was cruel, unapologetic, and condemning in that I couldn’t understand a “friendship” as special as theirs was.
    She was right! I couldn’t!
    I remember thinking I’d like her to pivot right off a Cliff, maybe save a sea turtle on the way out.
    Hmmm. Guess I still have some anger issues! Lol.

    • AP must be a leatherback sea turtle, tying into the S & M characteristics, right? they look like machines. besides, the leatherback sea turtle dives the deepest depths + have spines in their mouths. not only do they bite their prey but they shred them to pieces.

      sound familiar?

    • I hope you didn’t reply to the miserable hag, TMT. I’m so sorry you were treated that way. Schmoopie sounds like one of those communal narcissists. Ugh! They are so gross.

    • In the “full disclosure” part of the RIC fiasco (otherwise known as organized trickletruthing), FW admitted that, on their first “date,” the AP put on a boohoo-ey tearful display when FW told the story of how our chronically ill and disabled middle child had been physically assaulted by a member of school staff at age 8. Then they humped in the restaurant parking lot. Because nothing says “I care for children” more than humping in a Honda.

      I told FW that he and the AP should thank our son for developing a life-threatening condition and thank the classroom aide for violently shoving him in a closet so that he and Fucky the Clown could telegraph their “bleeding heart” qualities to each other as a way to whitewash a spendy fuckfest as an “emotional connection.”

      Apparently the AP never expressed another word of concern for the kids over the next year as she bilked tens of thousands in family assets to pay for her Instagram fantasy lifestyle of four-and-a-half star hotels and top shelf booze while the kids went without. The AP even became competitive with the kids. On hearing that all three got into a college level music program in their tweens and teens, she demanded that FW buy her an expensive instrument she’d studied for half a semester in seventh grade. When our middle kid had a bout of pre-seizure symptoms that kept us up all night and FW had to cancel a bonk spree, the AP– fearing her twat was losing its gravitational pull– apparently ran to a salon for a full twat wax. I know she “ran” to do this because, by that time, the PI I’d hired caught the AP on video frantically running to her car and speeding to a storefront wax joint. Because nothing says “I care for children” more than a stubble-free rectum.

      • This!! So funny and makes the whole situation stand out for what it is- a pathetic circus of crazy clowns. Still laughing1😃😃

      • HOAC, I reeled in horror, then broke into laughter at the end, which often happens with chump stories. What a headcase that AP is.

        Sorry about what happened to your son. I know how it is. My disabled daughter was singled out by a teacher for verbal abuse when she was the same age. She even took a poll of the whole class to ask if they thought she was faking her disabilities. People suck. ☹
        Knowing scum like her and the person who hurt your son are out there is why I’m virtually a hermit.

        • I know the “shriek-haha” and “haha-shriek” reaction well. Gallows humor is salvation.

          I’m so sorry you and your daughter went through similar bullying. Nothing ever pushed me so close to murderous thoughts as an attack on one of my children. In our case, the school covered it up, police and DCF claimed it wasn’t their jurisdiction and then the school retaliated in the most atrocious way when I filed the OCR complaint which, according to Wrightslaw.com, is not an uncommon response.

          What a world. I think what stopped me short of pulling the blinds and withdrawing from life after that was when I wrote a series on institutional abuse of the disabled for an advocacy group and befriended one of the attorneys. She’s the same person who later advised me to hire a PI when I told her some of the odd things FW was doing before D-Day. I’ll never forget how she started chuckling over FW’s accusations, then said “He’s cheating” and gave me a stone-cold set of instructions. So don’t give up hope at finding your haha-shriek tribe. Keep putting out feelers. We hide in plain sight but are legion. {{{{{ <3 }}}}}

    • “I remember thinking I’d like her to pivot right off a Cliff, maybe save a sea turtle on the way out.
      Hmmm. Guess I still have some anger issues! Lol.”

      Sorry this happened but, omg, thanks for the laugh.

  • Cool Schmoop’s life is so liberating and empowered that’s she stalking people who never wanted anything to do with her in a desperate bid for relevancy. That they were never special nor important is a hard pill for them to swallow.

  • “Had Esther and Jerry (via Abraham) only revealed The Secret earlier (for small monthly installments of $195) I’m positive I would’ve destroyed your marriage in under 3 months.

    Now I Manifest My Desires and Chico’s sales ladies quake. I am master of the sales rack.”

    Priceless!
    If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s a new age fuckwit; cheating, abusive swine who blither about “manifesting” and other tommyrot.
    My dog’s offerings in the back yard have more spiritual depth than them.

  • Today’s reading gives me more determination to remain NO CONTACT. I don’t want my STBX husband hearing my voice or seeing my texts. I was my STBXH Advisor, Hand holder, run that crap about how MISUNDERSTOOD you are at work by me again,? Yes I listened to him whine about friends, his 7 motorcycles in 2 years and your whoa is me life…that you apparently have been, and are right now running by a bevy of woman of all stripes and sizes. Whoever will listen to your poor lost puppy horrible wife stories! I quit the harem and do not, and I mean do not, want your opinion or you protecting me or sympathy or triangle or help with A N Y T H I NG. All your APs, dating sites, happy or sorry ending, I do not want to hear about. This is what I want to write to my STBXH But I cannot because NO CONTACT has given me my life back. Most folks make their own decisions as well and my advice as a medical provider is seldom listened to even though people pay for it. I am happy not to be central myself and I am at peace in my little apartment all by myself. Thank you Jesus! Amen( this site is pure therapy, thank you TRACY!! Can you hear my heart ❤️??)

    • Rest assured that even if you did write all the things you wanted to say to him, it wouldn’t make a blind bit of difference. These people have no self awareness. Rock on with *No Contact* ! 😘🌟

  • “before your divorce was finalized” BWAHAHAHA- is THAT what they’re calling it now?? Classic- “we totally weren’t fucking behind your back while you thought you were in a monogamous relationship” and “OOH LOOK i suddenly found someone 2 seconds after I said I wanted to separate!!”. I love when people with ZERO SCRUPLES offer self-help books to others! My sister’s asshole husband once gifted me a “Christian Woman” book (because I’m an atheist, I guess?). Needless to say, I didn’t immediately convert. Thanks, no thanks- bite me.

  • I always wonder if weird grammar, more than the eyes, is a window to the psyche. This typo evinces a kind of Freudian humble-brag: ‘I am deep… with remorse.’

    I am radiant… with rivalry
    I am supple… with resentment
    I am limber… with reaggravation
    I am flatulent… with rutabagas

  • Oh man, Chump Lady, you are the best. I already refer to my FW’s Schmoopie as, well, Schmoopie (you won’t believe how many of his family members have asked me how to spell it).

    Now, from this great day and forevermore, she shall be known as Schmoopie, Fucker of Other Women’s Husbands!

    • After my daughter hacked dad’s emails and dug up dirt, the kids coined their own epithets for the AP:

      Beefy the Danger Pig
      Beluga Whale Woman
      Twatty the Clown
      The Thing that Ate Our Piano
      Crotch Goblin

      The risk of kids finding out about affairs should make any potential AP tremble. Kids don’t forget, tend to manage trauma with disgusting humor and sometimes grow up to be writers.

  • To be fair (not)… Mr. Sparkles will soon marry his 3rd wife (victim)… not an OW… and I’ve thought of sending her copies LACGAL and Psychopath Free as a shower gift. The impulse is real to share our healing with others, but it is her own journey and I can’t save everyone Mr. Sparkles entangles.

    Same goes here – schmoopies should save the stamp money and we should “return to sender”.

  • “He is no swingline heavy duty stapler.”

    Sometimes, Chump Lady, you outdue yourself. Where would we be without your glorious snark?

    Blessings to you in 2023!

  • Case in point that all Schmoopies are delusional and long to be central.

    She’s looking for a 4th husband now and guaranteed he is already somebody elses.

    Hoes gotta be Hoes.

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