Infidelity Valentine’s Day Poetry 2023
Are you ready for another round of Infidelity Valentine’s Poetry?
Every year about this time we remember the less fortunate — the poor freaks that wound up with our exes — and immortalize them in verse.
Just like previous year’s contests, I’m looking for either a haiku or a limerick that encapsulates your cheater experience. I’ll announce the winners on Valentine’s Day.
To recap from 8th grade English, a haiku is a poem with 5-7-5 syllables.
I love you but I’m…
Christ, you are such a cliche
…not in love with you.
A limerick is a 5 line poem with a rhyme scheme of AABBA.
There once was a mistress named Kay
Who was a better liar than a lay
She had HPV
And now it’s with me
My husband’s clap conveys
Check the archives for past chump cleverness. We have some real snarky gems.
Extra bonus points for anyone who rhymes anything with Esther Perel. (Bad smell? Where goblins dwell? Pustules swell?)
Please no lugubrious long-form verse — keep it bitter, funny, and short. (Yes, I said bitter. As in acerbic. As in take-this-Valentine-and-shove-it.)
Send submissions. TGIF!
I did not punch you
That is forgiveness enough
Go away, Butt Face
Great haiku, BDU. How about shoot instead of punch and asshole instead of butt face? 😅
Hahahaha. I aspire to this mood.
Hahahaaaaaaaaa first one knocks it out of the park! 😁
I laughed when I read the first one but last even harder when I read your comment!!!!!
To celebrate Valentine’s day,
You always expected a lay,
And not just from me,
So much fish in the sea,
But that’s someone new’s problem today.
A boundary is
not a punishment for you
it’s my protection
LFTT
I love this one!
FKA,
You are too kind.
LFTT
And while I’m at it.
The consequences,
For the choices that you made,
You own them; not me
LFTT
Also,
Three kids and me shed,
By a snake changing its skin,
You f*cking reptile.
LFTT
There once was an intern named Lori
With the brains of a disused quarry
With morals to match
She offered my hubby her snatch
What a “pure” and “inspiring” luv story
I can’t tell you how much I love this!!
Upon reading Ester Perel,
I learnt I had not done too well,
At accepting your freedom,
To love ’em and leave ’em,
And I that was to blame for this hell.
Kudos!
Blame-shift, minimize
Let me count the ways you suck
There are so many
You wanted to try
a double-headed dildo???
Look in the mirror!
Were we married to the same person? LOL
Hahaha. Yikes.
My so-called best friend
Shagging Fuckwit in MY bed!
Burn in hell, you bitch
When he left for another “work meeting”
I found all of the proof of his cheating
I moved out that day
Why the hell would I stay?
Now a lawyer is what he’ll be needing
As a reader of Esther Perel
He joyfully spurned “marriage hell”
His children and wife
And our nice happy life
Can’t compete with the cheap Jezebel
I could tell they were different poems….and they are wonderful !! I am not very creative today, so I appreciate this (especially the middle one…my Dday was when I found proof of his howorker affair while he was at a “work meeting” )
My first D-day discovery was while he was mowing the lawn. The second was while he was allegedly out playing poker with co-workers. It turned out to be a Meet Up group he was using to pick up more OW. Most of his time actually cheating was over long lunches and out of town meetings.
Thanks! Sorry this happened to you too.
These are 3 separate poems, in case that isn’t clear…Happy VD day to all!
To not see your face
Makes every day my best
You lost cheater boy
🤣👏 this makes me laugh!! Great one.
Your husband has cheated, do tell?
I’ll send you to Esther Perel.
See, he’s justified.
It’s so bougie you cried.
Please save me from Switzerland hell!
Great, and extra kudos for excellent limerick rhythm!
Aw thanks!
I’m trying to be clever with VD — the double entendre of Valentine’s Day and venereal disease…. I’m just not that creative this morning 😂
When they’re a cheater
VD could go either way
Candy, or Herpes?
I tried.
That works! lol! Thanks Stig!
Here’s an attempt at a limerick a day late and a dollar short:
I got hearts and flowers on VD
But only when purchased by me
A fuckwit, you see, ignores and cheats — yippee,
So with him all you’ll get is VD
Discovered fuckwit’s secret email account
Dick pics too numerous to count
Hookups with CraigsList randos in the park
He was just looking for a spark
Thanks to this leverage, my settlement was a great amount
What is with the dick pics?? Seriously. My xFW did the same. I guess maybe it was all he had to offer.
Klootzak actually had no dick pics at all. He would pose and just cover it like he was hiding something exciting. Because it’s a tiny mushroom.
And now all his selfies look like hell, too. Karma is him developing horrible rosacea all over his face at the age of 50. I feel terrible for anyone dealing with such a thing – except him. Redness and pustules – his ugly is coming out. That might hurt his dating game. Awwwwww.
Because they’re trying to show who they are – a “dick”
There once was a gal who made men
fawn,
So she ditched her family for some new lawn,
Soon to be married,
The baggage they carry,
Makes me feel wonderful inside.
What’s that itch you say?
Got it from a toilet seat?
Thank you for the clap.
You had a diamond
But you chose to play with rocks
I left and shine bright
At her place for hours
“I was picking tomatoes!!”
Guess the store was out?
For my brother:
Their mother packed up and left
And made all her babies bereft
Their dad cried with them
‘Cause she left on a whim
But they all healed their own self
For Ester fans:
There once was apologist, Perel
Who made Chumps feel like hell
And made lots of money
Sugar coating cheats with honey
And her coffers continue to swell
there once was a VP named rob
so preoccupied with his knob
along came tisha
with a heart squishy
now they’re “working it” on the job
There once was a hooker named Mattie
She really liked it up her batty
She named her price
He paid for the vice
And now also for an atty
Bloody brilliant 👏🏻👍
He fucked Jennifer
Married Susan–cheats on her
And now I don’t care
(Names have been changed to protect me and Chump Lady from the guilty)
I loved the you that you pretended to be
Now I know better and live for me
Our therapist quoted Perel
And FW ate it up as well
But to their surprise
I just rolled my eyes
And pulled out a copy of LACGAL
I really want to read more about how THAT went down with FW and the RIC “therapist”.
It’s right here, this was my post:
https://www.chumplady.com/2022/03/ubt-you-shouldve-been-a-better-husband/
Not an entry- I am glad I wasn’t drinking my coffee when I read this phrase
Every year about this time we remember the less fortunate — the poor freaks that wound up with our exes
Hilarious !!!
All you inspire is loathing
Your face, your voice, your clothing
You are ugly, inside and out
All that is missing is a tail and a snout
Here’s a haiku based on my lived experience with the Lying Cheating Loser, that applies to Valentine’s Day and any other holiday or occasion.
Pick your poison, chump:
Ugly present on purpose
Or no gift at all.
i’m sorry i had an affair
but i didn’t think you cared?
tisha’s the best
scars on her chest
with no STD’s, i declare
There once was a fuckwit from Cheatville.
Who had to start taking a blue pill
His dick wouldn’t stay hard
He just spouted canard
Apparently fidelity’s a buzzkill
Esther Esther Esther, Big Sigh.
You just don’t get it do you?
Gaslighting victims, shame on you.
There once was an Esther Perel
Whose teachings will keep you in hell
Her books are a joke!
They’re just hopium smoke!
Read LACGAL and then you’ll feel swell!
LOVE THIS! The one time stbx tried to sell me on her, it was with a ted talk. She really seems to level up the word salad. Such BS.
There once was a woman named Esther.
She wrote books, so I thought I would test her.
Turns out she’s a quack
So here’s some feedback:
Perel is a chump heart-molester
Another awesome Perel takedown!
Esther Perel is from Belgium
On one day she tripped and then fell some.
She lands on her head
Does not end up dead
Now thinks cheating is something to sell some.
Will Smith and Jada
Oh so enlightened cheaters
Will’s face says it all
#redtabletalkbullshit
i visit my local GP
there is burning when i pee
it’s a little itch
from a blondy bitch
tisha’s twat is quite trich-y
Esther Perel raises hairs
When she speaks on the state of affairs
Every hair on my neck
Stands up straight from her dreck
Tracy Schorn kicks the ass of her wares.
There once was a moron named Esther
Whose books about cheating should d
Delete….incomplete!
Velvet Hammer tried making a rhyme!
About Esther whose books are a crime!
Her fingers were fleet!
It was not yet complete!
So delete, just delete, please delete!
Awesome, VH.
WARNING! VERY VULGER!
(Woke up in a mood and this is tge first thing I read today)
You state our marriage was a waste
That I divorced with far too much haste
But all I can say
In a very crude way
Yes but how did his dick taste
Lol NYNB!
There once was a husband called Dick
Who met with a woman quite thick
He cheated on me
But now I am free
And she is stuck with the prick
Challenge accepted! I’m home sick, so what else have I got to do? I tried to do this last year. Started, got one so-so limerick, and that was it. Didn’t think it was good enough to enter, especially late in the game. So, this time, I’ve come up w/two haikus and limericks to start. Hope they give someone a chuckle.😊 More if I think of them.
A moral compass?
She didn’t think she needed that.
Killed her family.
Loved you once fuckwit,
but the cat’s out of the bag,
I don’t need you now.
There once was a wife born in Jersey,
whose morals just weren’t that purty,
with a husband depressed,
she decided it best,
to fuck her boss, and destroy her family.
There once was an absolute war fuckwit,
who fucked her boss (quite the strumpet!),
where’s her moral compass you say?,
why, that just gets in her way,
let her husband and kids deal w/it.
Please ignore the word war in that final limerick. I have no idea how that got in there.
FW met Humpty Dumpty at his job
Where she distinguished herself as chief office doorknob
For the price of some pizza and a couple of shots
She’d hump married old douches in parking lots
Though perhaps Humpty pilfered creeps’ marital assets
She’d be humptied and dumptied and gained squat from her antics
Alas Alice Paul’s hunger strikes weren’t an entree
For Humpty’s dong-riding Cirque de Soleil
The neighbor you said
“Oh she’s just a friend that helps.”
Helps take you pants off.
Great punchline.
Your new wife doesn’t have a clue
Until she finds out she got Hpv from you
You fought me in court for a house that you couldn’t even afford to rent
Getting away from you, changing my name was the best 70k I ever spent
Stepping in dog poo is so much better than being next to you.
A sad little man named Mike,
His wife’s money he sure liked!
He moped through life all night and day,
And found a trashy coworker to lay.
“I’m unhappy! You don’t meet my needs!” He exclaimed,
And for years his wife shouldered the blame,
Until one day she discovered his deceitful true ways,
So she snooped, consulted and kicked him out in a few days.
So, sad little Mike, go get a new life!
Signed, FU! Your soon-to-be Ex-Wife <3
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Not a single married FW
Left his wife for you.
You might think you’re sexy
You might think you’re hot –
But a free roaming crotch
Is all you have got.
Omg, now all I can see is a herd of skittish crotches on wilderbeest legs, down at the wateringhole! And instead of running off when a penis leaps out of the water like a crocodile, they spring towards it.
Depression you claim
Spend all my money on quack
Thanks for the clap
There once was a fuckwit from here
Who would have liked me to just disappear
I stood my ground
Battle Royale went abound
I got it all and now have nothing to fear!
There once was a Cheater named John
Who felt he could do no wrong
I found out his lie
And told him goodbye
Now I don’t have to touch his schlong
There once was a girl named Row (ena)
Who really showed herself as a Ho
She humped my partner at break time
Cos she was having a ‘breakdown’
And now she’s married the clown
(The last line doesn’t quite fit)…but I wanted to contribute. Haha
I sent my loved hubs for a massage
But he tripped and fell up her passage
When asked ‘what’s the deal?’
He denied it was real
But he got a divorcing you message
I truly thought I was stuck
But now can’t believe my luck
I’m sure she is whiny
His penis is tiny
His ego the size of a truck
Esther Perel is prolific
She dispenses advice that’s horrific
Eschew what she said
Please read Tracy instead
Your life will be oh so terrific!
Excellent!
Divorced seven years
And it’s blatantly clear
Life doesn’t need to be chaotic
You thought your lifestyle was erotic
Thankfully Without you our home’s full of cheer.
feeling joyful about-
freedom came on tuesday
-living Fuckwit free