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Infidelity Valentine’s Day Poetry

Are you ready for another round of Infidelity Valentine’s Poetry?

Every year about this time we remember the less fortunate — the poor freaks that wound up with our exes — and immortalize them in verse.

Just like previous year’s contests, I’m looking for either a haiku or a limerick that encapsulates your cheater experience. I’ll announce the winners on Valentine’s Day.

To recap from 8th grade English, a haiku is a poem with 5-7-5 syllables.

I love you but I’m…
Christ, you are such a cliche
…not in love with you.

A limerick is a 5 line poem with a rhyme scheme of AABBA.

There once was a mistress named Kay
Who was a better liar than a lay
She had HPV
And now it’s with me
My husband’s clap conveys

Check the archives for past chump cleverness. We have some real snarky gems.

Extra bonus points for anyone who rhymes anything with Esther Perel. (Bad smell? Where goblins dwell? Pustules swell?)

Please no lugubrious long-form verse — keep it bitter, funny, and short. (Yes, I said bitter. As in acerbic. As in take-this-Valentine-and-shove-it.)

Send submissions. TGIF!

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at Read more about submission guidelines.
  • To celebrate Valentine’s day,
    You always expected a lay,
    And not just from me,
    So much fish in the sea,
    But that’s someone new’s problem today.

  • There once was an intern named Lori
    With the brains of a disused quarry
    With morals to match
    She offered my hubby her snatch
    What a “pure” and “inspiring” luv story

  • Upon reading Ester Perel,
    I learnt I had not done too well,
    At accepting your freedom,
    To love ’em and leave ’em,
    And I that was to blame for this hell.

  • Blame-shift, minimize
    Let me count the ways you suck
    There are so many

    You wanted to try
    a double-headed dildo???
    Look in the mirror!

  • My so-called best friend
    Shagging Fuckwit in MY bed!
    Burn in hell, you bitch

    When he left for another “work meeting”
    I found all of the proof of his cheating
    I moved out that day
    Why the hell would I stay?
    Now a lawyer is what he’ll be needing

    As a reader of Esther Perel
    He joyfully spurned “marriage hell”
    His children and wife
    And our nice happy life
    Can’t compete with the cheap Jezebel

    • I could tell they were different poems….and they are wonderful !! I am not very creative today, so I appreciate this (especially the middle one…my Dday was when I found proof of his howorker affair while he was at a “work meeting” )

      • My first D-day discovery was while he was mowing the lawn. The second was while he was allegedly out playing poker with co-workers. It turned out to be a Meet Up group he was using to pick up more OW. Most of his time actually cheating was over long lunches and out of town meetings.

  • Your husband has cheated, do tell?
    I’ll send you to Esther Perel.
    See, he’s justified.
    It’s so bougie you cried.
    Please save me from Switzerland hell!

  • I’m trying to be clever with VD — the double entendre of Valentine’s Day and venereal disease…. I’m just not that creative this morning 😂

  • Discovered fuckwit’s secret email account
    Dick pics too numerous to count
    Hookups with CraigsList randos in the park
    He was just looking for a spark
    Thanks to this leverage, my settlement was a great amount

      • Klootzak actually had no dick pics at all. He would pose and just cover it like he was hiding something exciting. Because it’s a tiny mushroom.

        And now all his selfies look like hell, too. Karma is him developing horrible rosacea all over his face at the age of 50. I feel terrible for anyone dealing with such a thing – except him. Redness and pustules – his ugly is coming out. That might hurt his dating game. Awwwwww.

  • There once was a gal who made men
    So she ditched her family for some new lawn,
    Soon to be married,
    The baggage they carry,
    Makes me feel wonderful inside.

  • For my brother:
    Their mother packed up and left
    And made all her babies bereft
    Their dad cried with them
    ‘Cause she left on a whim
    But they all healed their own self

    For Ester fans:
    There once was apologist, Perel
    Who made Chumps feel like hell
    And made lots of money
    Sugar coating cheats with honey
    And her coffers continue to swell

  • there once was a VP named rob
    so preoccupied with his knob
    along came tisha
    with a heart squishy
    now they’re “working it” on the job

  • There once was a hooker named Mattie
    She really liked it up her batty
    She named her price
    He paid for the vice
    And now also for an atty

  • He fucked Jennifer
    Married Susan–cheats on her
    And now I don’t care

    (Names have been changed to protect me and Chump Lady from the guilty)

  • Our therapist quoted Perel
    And FW ate it up as well
    But to their surprise
    I just rolled my eyes
    And pulled out a copy of LACGAL

  • Not an entry- I am glad I wasn’t drinking my coffee when I read this phrase
    Every year about this time we remember the less fortunate — the poor freaks that wound up with our exes
    Hilarious !!!

  • All you inspire is loathing
    Your face, your voice, your clothing
    You are ugly, inside and out
    All that is missing is a tail and a snout

  • Here’s a haiku based on my lived experience with the Lying Cheating Loser, that applies to Valentine’s Day and any other holiday or occasion.

    Pick your poison, chump:
    Ugly present on purpose
    Or no gift at all.

  • i’m sorry i had an affair
    but i didn’t think you cared?
    tisha’s the best
    scars on her chest
    with no STD’s, i declare

  • There once was a fuckwit from Cheatville.
    Who had to start taking a blue pill
    His dick wouldn’t stay hard
    He just spouted canard
    Apparently fidelity’s a buzzkill

  • There once was an Esther Perel
    Whose teachings will keep you in hell
    Her books are a joke!
    They’re just hopium smoke!
    Read LACGAL and then you’ll feel swell!

    • LOVE THIS! The one time stbx tried to sell me on her, it was with a ted talk. She really seems to level up the word salad. Such BS.

  • There once was a woman named Esther.
    She wrote books, so I thought I would test her.
    Turns out she’s a quack
    So here’s some feedback:
    Perel is a chump heart-molester

  • Esther Perel is from Belgium
    On one day she tripped and then fell some.
    She lands on her head
    Does not end up dead
    Now thinks cheating is something to sell some.

  • i visit my local GP
    there is burning when i pee
    it’s a little itch
    from a blondy bitch
    tisha’s twat is quite trich-y

  • Esther Perel raises hairs
    When she speaks on the state of affairs
    Every hair on my neck
    Stands up straight from her dreck
    Tracy Schorn kicks the ass of her wares.

    (Woke up in a mood and this is tge first thing I read today)

    You state our marriage was a waste
    That I divorced with far too much haste
    But all I can say
    In a very crude way
    Yes but how did his dick taste

  • There once was a husband called Dick
    Who met with a woman quite thick
    He cheated on me
    But now I am free
    And she is stuck with the prick

  • Challenge accepted! I’m home sick, so what else have I got to do? I tried to do this last year. Started, got one so-so limerick, and that was it. Didn’t think it was good enough to enter, especially late in the game. So, this time, I’ve come up w/two haikus and limericks to start. Hope they give someone a chuckle.😊 More if I think of them.

    A moral compass?

    She didn’t think she needed that.

    Killed her family.

    Loved you once fuckwit,

    but the cat’s out of the bag,

    I don’t need you now.

    There once was a wife born in Jersey,

    whose morals just weren’t that purty,

    with a husband depressed,

    she decided it best,

    to fuck her boss, and destroy her family.

    There once was an absolute war fuckwit,

    who fucked her boss (quite the strumpet!),

    where’s her moral compass you say?,

    why, that just gets in her way,

    let her husband and kids deal w/it.

  • FW met Humpty Dumpty at his job
    Where she distinguished herself as chief office doorknob
    For the price of some pizza and a couple of shots
    She’d hump married old douches in parking lots

    Though perhaps Humpty pilfered creeps’ marital assets
    She’d be humptied and dumptied and gained squat from her antics
    Alas Alice Paul’s hunger strikes weren’t an entree
    For Humpty’s dong-riding Cirque de Soleil

  • Your new wife doesn’t have a clue
    Until she finds out she got Hpv from you
    You fought me in court for a house that you couldn’t even afford to rent
    Getting away from you, changing my name was the best 70k I ever spent
    Stepping in dog poo is so much better than being next to you.

  • A sad little man named Mike,
    His wife’s money he sure liked!
    He moped through life all night and day,
    And found a trashy coworker to lay.
    “I’m unhappy! You don’t meet my needs!” He exclaimed,
    And for years his wife shouldered the blame,
    Until one day she discovered his deceitful true ways,
    So she snooped, consulted and kicked him out in a few days.
    So, sad little Mike, go get a new life!
    Signed, FU! Your soon-to-be Ex-Wife <3

  • Roses are red,
    Violets are blue,
    Not a single married FW
    Left his wife for you.

    You might think you’re sexy
    You might think you’re hot –
    But a free roaming crotch
    Is all you have got.

    • Omg, now all I can see is a herd of skittish crotches on wilderbeest legs, down at the wateringhole! And instead of running off when a penis leaps out of the water like a crocodile, they spring towards it.

  • Depression you claim
    Spend all my money on quack
    Thanks for the clap

    There once was a fuckwit from here
    Who would have liked me to just disappear
    I stood my ground
    Battle Royale went abound
    I got it all and now have nothing to fear!

  • There once was a Cheater named John
    Who felt he could do no wrong
    I found out his lie
    And told him goodbye
    Now I don’t have to touch his schlong

  • There once was a girl named Row (ena)
    Who really showed herself as a Ho
    She humped my partner at break time
    Cos she was having a ‘breakdown’
    And now she’s married the clown

    (The last line doesn’t quite fit)…but I wanted to contribute. Haha

  • I sent my loved hubs for a massage
    But he tripped and fell up her passage
    When asked ‘what’s the deal?’
    He denied it was real
    But he got a divorcing you message

    I truly thought I was stuck
    But now can’t believe my luck
    I’m sure she is whiny
    His penis is tiny
    His ego the size of a truck

  • Esther Perel is prolific
    She dispenses advice that’s horrific
    Eschew what she said
    Please read Tracy instead
    Your life will be oh so terrific!

  • Divorced seven years
    And it’s blatantly clear
    Life doesn’t need to be chaotic
    You thought your lifestyle was erotic
    Thankfully Without you our home’s full of cheer.

    • Sorry, typos! (I need a second cup of coffee this morning apparently…)

      Wives, condos, kids, and houses
      You’re slum lord of all

  • Oh God what’s that horrible smell?
    Look! It’s coming from books by Perel!
    I’ll take them away!
    To the landfill! Hooray!
    May they dwell on the bookshelf in hell!

    • I actually found one of her books in a little free library. Should burn well in my campfire this weekend.

  • I’m not into doing a dance
    To win the wee worm in his pants
    But the cheater thought; “Whee!”
    “I’ve still got my plan b!”
    Get real motherfucker. No chance.

  • You labeled me stubborn and bitter
    I know I’m determined and no quitter
    Those latter traits kept me trapped
    Spinning trying to figure you out
    Praise be to the fact of you becoming someone else’s bedshitter

  • When he cheated he blamed it on me
    He’d been Oh So Unhappy, you see
    He’d kept his mouth shut
    Told the slut God knows what
    But she bought it and now I am free!

  • My marriage it was a mirage
    He was often inside the garage
    I thought he was alone
    I found out that his phone
    Was barraged by his ho entourage

  • His “sole mate” was found on Craigslist
    My reaction was royally pissed
    You still called me your friend?!
    No, this is the end
    But I’ll kiss you goodbye with my fist.

  • The cheaters just want to eat cake
    They don’t realize what is at stake
    Those who know about love
    Are up front and above
    Making bigger mistakes with the fake.

  • One day I saw he was phony
    He was so full of shit and baloney
    I was blind for so long
    It was there all along
    A liar can’t do matrimony

    • oh yeah……the GPS tracker……so, can you ever let us know how that got resolved? or is that still being dealt with?

      • On the criminal charges side, the DA is not going to file. He believes Traitor Ex did it but they don’t have the evidence they can present in court which they need for a conviction.

        I’m exploring a civil suit now.

        The statue of limitations is one year.

        I have to call the victims’ advocate back that the courts assigned to me to see what else I can do.

        I got myself security cameras for Christmas. Ho ho ho. ☹️

        • Thank you for the update. I appreciate it.

          I send you blessings for an excellent outcome in your favor, and a whole lotta crap raining down on his head, and that this comes about with very little (additional) aggravation for you.

    • Oops, I got so riled up that Esther was the marriage counselor to an alleged potential cannibal that I goofed the syllables. I mean, WTF? “Yes, he may have some unusual fantasies, but what an exciting opportunity for a fresh start! Have you considered adding some BBQ sauce to your lube, Elizabeth?”

  • I found he’d been telling them all
    “Bitches be crazy, y’all”
    But I blew that dick’s cover
    and subpoenaed his lover
    The truth really helped me stand tall.

  • I’m waiting for comments from Ux
    He knows how to dish out what’s skux!
    Where are you today?
    Please chime in! Don’t delay!
    Today’s blog needs your excellent touch!

  • She makes you feel great, your life so much better, you tell me?!
    And time with the ho hum wife, so regretful, you annoyedly ask, why didn’t I see?!?
    I see you casually burned all our memories, wonderful adventures and a love without end.
    You traded it all for some unscrupulous taker, with lies and deceits a plenty, so crazy to even comprehend!
    But it bizarrely works out for me, I see the low life you were and will always be.
    And you got just what you aimed at, that’s hell, your solid guarantee.

  • An ode to the “noble whore” – the sugar baby who outed my FW and set me free:

    sugar daddy came.
    limp dick stiffed her on payment.
    bitch blew the whistle.

  • I’m really so happy at last,
    The sex – at least it was fast!
    You were so fucking vile,
    I ran more than a mile,
    Rot in hell, yes you will, and I’ll smile.

  • Always jerking off to that screen
    Married women, porn, or meme
    But then found your golf shorts
    Jiz and lipstick of all sorts
    That’s it, I’m done, I’m free.

  • Playing the victim
    You said strippers weren’t cheating
    You lie glitter dick

    There once was a man from L.A.
    Who liked a good roll in the hay
    But not with his wife
    Had a whole secret life
    And now he must learn to pay.

  • Valentine Day and I am eight years free
    And now I hear you have HIV
    Hooking up with strange on GRINDR
    Your consequence is a life changer
    I dodged that bullet, thankfully

  • For moms around the whole block
    My husband strutted like a peacock
    I worked and paid bills
    He lied for cheap thrills
    I guess skanks enjoy a tiny cock

  • At first I liked Ester Perel
    Her thoughts seemed as clear as a bell
    She said keep it open
    But it just keeps chumps hopin’
    Hey Ester, just go rot in hell.

    • Wow! This is tremendous. It always surprises me that cheaters always down – Chumps seem to be clever, acerbic, wise, intelligent, compassionate…I like Martha Stewart’s response when she was asked why she hadn’t remarried. I think she said something like, ‘Who knows? I’d marry me!”

  • To the cheaters let’s raise a glass
    Gotta hand it to them showing such class
    One loser’s pole
    In another loser’s hole
    With dog shit stains from where they rolled in the grass

  • Boy likes cameras
    Quick, delete the evidence
    Still watching me, creep?

    [This one is darker, I admit. Skanks are only implied.]

  • For seven years you lied to me
    And screwed every fish in the sea
    I know you did, mister
    With even my sister
    Look out – karma charges a fee!

  • All the excitement’s in sneaking
    Waiting for her signal, then peeking
    But when I filed the petition
    It killed their ambition
    It’s less fun with dinner and speaking

  • I once knew a fuckwit named Jack,
    Who I found never did have my back.
    Spent all his days stalking and screwing,
    Many lies and distractions, vows were renewing.
    Just blissfully porking with glee,
    Til the iPhone betrayed it on thee.
    He turned his life black, the kids think he’s a quack, giving him the hard sack.
    Good luck, it’s a lot for your flaccid dick to unpack!

  • There was a Canadian stoner
    Who gave my wife his ole boner
    She gave it a suck
    And a bit of a fuck
    But now is alot more aloner

  • I have to say I cringe hard whenever it’s song lyrics, poems etc as a post, just find it embarrassing for some reason and never like those posts/threads. Maybe because I feel like an AP or cheater would get a kick out of it.

  • and I used to think that I could never learn to like poetry. (;->)

    Thank you, CL for this Friday Fun Challenge. And thank you, everyone in CN, who has been submitting these gems. (VH, I send you lotsa hugs and muchas smooches.)

    I can not recall enjoying any Valentine’s Day as much as I have been enjoying this one. (And I’ll check back in a few days to read wha else has been added.)

  • There once was a nurse name Lulu
    Who said she got wet when she saw you
    So you fucked in our bed
    Then decided to wed
    After getting matching upper-thigh fish tattoos.

  • Pity the mirror
    That reflects your cheater mug
    Try lying to that.


    I was not perfect
    No excuse for your cheating
    You suck. So does she.


    x cheated for years
    “Not a double life,” he said
    Always a liar

  • A widow with wealth in New York
    Matched with a narcissist dork
    Her money he lusted
    Soon she’ll be flat busted
    And learn hard that he weren’t worth the fork

    Happy Valentine’s Day from the glorious mountain called MEH!!! ❤️

  • “Meet all my needs!”, you’d rebuff;
    My kibbles were never enough;
    So onward you chose,
    Those lunch hour blows;
    And now I have half of your stuff.

  • There was a granny with love-beads round her gullet
    Who trolled FaceBook for married exes she’d covet
    She posted only old pics
    Of when she was a young chick
    Honey, that’s not a shag – it’s a mullet!

    • There’s always room for improvement 🙂

      There was a granny with love-beads round her gullet
      Who trolled FaceBook for married exes she’d covet
      She’d post only old pics
      Of her as a “hip” young chick
      Honey, that’s not a shag – it’s a mullet!

  • There once was a cheating cavorter
    Who decided to mess with my daughter.
    He stole lots of pics
    Showed his friends for the kicks
    And now his rap sheets a slaughter.

  • you swore it was a one time thing
    never gonna happen again
    serial cheater, I never knew
    hit me, so hard, out of the blue
    serial cheater, so brand new

  • The cheater has a fugly whore, he calls her Athena.
    I scored big with a quick divorce, not a one subpoena.
    They now lurk in the fog near Tuscaloosa
    Funny, no one told him…she’s really Medusa.
    That explains his crusty patina.

  • There once was a man with the horn,
    Who could not relieve it with porn,
    So he found a dumb bit,
    Who believed all his sh1t,
    And now he’s her problem – yawn

  • Esther, Esther, Esther Perel
    You say you have a book to sell?
    It’s full of shit and tons of lies
    My copy’s rotting with maggots and flies
    From the guts of the garbage truck the blasphemy cries.

    • again…forgot to type last 2 words

      Esther, Esther, Esther Perel
      You say you have a book to sell?
      It’s full of shit and tons of lies
      My copy’s rotting with maggots and flies
      From the guts of the garbage truck the blasphemy cries like hell.

  • I once loved a man we’ll call X,
    Who only could write bouncing checks;
    Emotional, sexual
    Or faux intellectual
    He’s now gone the way of T-Rex

  • Loving this, but also hating it for what going round in my brain, nothing but limericks!

    I once had a husband called Peter,
    Who was charming but also a cheater.
    He filled up his physio
    With gallons of jizzio,
    Did he know he was still on the meter?

  • He thinks he loves the whore
    It’s the drugs he’ll love more
    Whore thought she won such a prize
    Whore how do you like the bad credit and lies
    He got her metal braces removed, dick sucks galore

  • I would first say of Esther Perel,
    That the twat should get back in her shell.
    Though my ex would agree,
    She’d look good on her knees,
    I’d be ringing the ‘unclean’ bell!

  • He cheated on me and I left him
    So angry and scared with my future grim
    She now has my life
    I should not have this strife
    I hope there is hell for both of them

  • Ex screamed in my face
    No one will ever love you
    I can love myself
    Jobless low life scum
    Schoompie dumped her husband for
    Still scum, now homeless
    Axe dark tempation
    Did it cloud schoompie’s judgement?
    Her future’s fake, too

  • Newly cheated on chumps gather round
    For CL and CN to expound,
    How to leave cheaters’ “sorry”
    For NC and Meh glory —
    Wiser words, saner snark can’t be found.

  • That Christmas, candy canes

    could not hide, the rotting slick

    PR you sold me.


    Would Emily Post

    approve- you fucking young girls-

    In my new red car?

  • A mendacious cheater named Xavier
    concealed adulterous behavior
    +2 kids by two mothers
    plus affairs with two others
    while he maintained he was a savior.

  • If you’ve got your mind stuck in a blender,
    Or are off on a hopium bender:
    Drop the spackling knife,
    Time to go Gain a Life
    You are mighty, forget that pretender.

  • Esther Perel is not smart,
    Just a greedy, capitalist old fart.
    Sold her soul for a buck,
    She does not give a fuck.
    Sprinkling sparkles on shit is not art.

    Last one. Too addictive, these!

  • I call my haiku “Cheater Logic”:
    You shit all over
    Our life and then you declared
    “Look, our marriage stinks!”

  • You thought you were so smart
    Yet you hooked up with such a stupid tart
    On Instagram she told all
    And I just watched you fall
    And now I am everything you aren’t

  • There once was a slapper called Nat,
    Who lived alone with her cat,
    Her pussy would itch,
    And she thought she’d be rich,
    By screwing my husband – the prat!

  • Your schmoopie you flaunted
    Your studio apartment my memory haunted
    Yeah, my dad paid for it
    And you sure as shit threw a fit
    But you got the divorce you wanted

  • Lies comprised nearly everything he ever said
    Fucked his much younger howorker in our bed
    I also should mention
    He’s getting half of my pension
    Wish we lived in a fault state instead

  • Esther Perel said on Ted
    Infidelity starts in the head
    I have to blunt
    Its began with a cunt
    Who allows married men in her bed

  • Esther Perel said on Ted
    Infidelity starts in the head
    I have to be blunt
    It began with a cunt
    Who allows married men in her bed

  • The Trollop Queen consort Camilla
    Prefers sex on a horse to vanilla
    She was happy to ride
    With a tampon inside
    ‘Till Cheater Charlie was ready to fill her

  • “Trust that they suck”
    Roses are red
    In the land of the free
    I cared for someone
    Who cared nothing for me
    Out with the old, in with the new
    My time was borrowed, now I’m blue
    “Trust that they suck” says Tracy

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