Well, I don’t really keep up on the goings on of celebrity sex therapists
quacks. So many unicorns, so little time. But an alert chump sent word that Douglass Weiss announced his divorce. Which of course sent me down a rabbit hole of “Who is Douglass Weiss?”
What a very interesting little hole that was.
Dr. Douglas Weiss is a psychologist and the founder of Heart to Heart Counseling Center, which specializes in the treatment of sexual addicts, intimacy anorexics and their spouses. He has counseled with sex addicts and their partners for almost three decades. Heart to Heart Counseling Center maintains weekly 3 and 5 Day Intensives that couples fly in from all over the world to attend, dozens of weekly groups, hundreds of weekly appointments with 16 counselors on staff. Dr. Weiss personally continues to provide 5 Day Intensives at the Center. Dr. Weiss has been in recovery for over 34 years, he and all of the counselors at Heart to Heart verify their sobriety with regular polygraphs.
Dr. Weiss has authored more than 40 books and offers 30 therapeutic DVDs for men, women and marriages. He is proud to be the first author to write a book for the partners of sex addicts.
Dr. Weiss was the first to coin the term Intimacy Anorexia which is the withholding of emotional, physical and spiritual intimacy in marriage.
I suspect only chumps are “anorexics.” Blameshifting being the bread and butter of the Reconciliation Industrial Complex. Does your husband have a hooker habit? Hey, your Intimacy Anorexia caused it. (Previously in misogyny, we called this the “frigid wife.”)
I can’t believe this guy is getting a divorce. Hang on Doug, shouldn’t you be sending yourself $399 for the cure? With all your youtube videos and weekly intensives, you couldn’t save your marriage?
Yes, but what do his satisfied clients say, Tracy?
Here’s a review of his services over at Sisterhood of Support, a site for partners of “sex addicts.” (A diagnosis that doesn’t exist in the DSM, btw. But we do believe in fuckwits here.)
“When I stated I was so devastated that I didn’t want to have sex with my husband, he (Doug Weiss) told me that if I didn’t have sex with my husband I would lose him. (I guess nonemotional, objectifying sex is okay with him.”
“He said that I had full blown intimacy anorexia because I did not want to have objectifying sex with my husband after I found out that he had unprotected sex with over 1500 different prostitutes, my sister, his patients, gym members, nurses, drug reps, etc. … and did nothing to rectify the marriage and lie, lie, lie.”
Wow, Doug. What a ringing endorsement. How do I get on Dr. Phil? Or one of those Lifetime Specials?
If you Google around, you’ll read he scrubs his reviews. I don’t know if that’s true, but at wellness.com, a couple people who paid for his costly retreats, tried to leave reviews, but oops, developer problem! when you try to read them. What a cowinkydince.
But wait, there’s more. According to this site, his materials are promoted at some fake clinic looking for sexual assault survivors.
Steps to Sexual Health
Have you dealt with sexual trauma, abuse, or misuse? Steps to Sexual Health is a 10-part DVD series by Doctor Doug Weiss, Ph.D. that encourages sexual healing and healthy attitudes toward sexuality. Available in safe, confidential sessions for groups or individuals. Call or email Crossroads Clinic to book your session.
You know what you need when you find about about your partner’s hooker habit? Sex tips! That’s what you need. Here!
“ALL WOMEN NEED THIS,” says Doug.
Really? Even the gay ones?
ALL OF YOU.
What about those of us living alone in a bunker full of cats?
What if you don’t want a husband? Or if you have one, but he’s presently engaged with 1500 hookers?
ALL WOMEN! Bow down! Suck!
And you’re telling me Lisa got tired of your ass?
Funny how you need space and privacy to heal. But your clients need blameshifting and sex tips.
I’d love to know more, but won’t ask out of respect
A very good take down of the Sex Addict Therapy industrial complex here at SoS. https://sisterhoodofsupport.org/archives/198708
SOS led me to CL and Dr. Minwalla. It is a terrific resource and helped me comprehend that abuse isn’t limited to physical violence. When that light bulb switched on, I was hell bent to extricate myself from cheating bastard ex as quickly as possible.
To add a few words to the “sex addict” debate: no, no, and no! Sense of entitlement, character deficits, narcissism or sociopathic tendencies? Yep.
My husband went to sex addiction counseling for over 2 years. It cost over $20,000 dollars. He claims he is a new man, no longer addicted. I looked for remorse, sorrow over what he’d done to me and our children. Instead I found that he once again expected me to forgive, forget, share the blame even though I didn’t know what he was doing while he was lying and sneaking around. He claimed he didn’t want a divorce yet joined a meet up group for singles and intended to keep going even if we stayed together.He didn’t see the need to rebuild trust … blamed me for not trusting him. His sex counselor was yelling at me, asking what MY sin was. Then he said I was neurotic. The marriage counselor assigned to us said I was Co dependent and that’s a big reason our marriage didn’t work. My husband walked away totally justified in his lies and cheating. It’s been difficult to get past all of it. He is remarried now. I wonder if he is different with her.
Thanks for posting the video of Patrick Carnes, founder of CSAT. Ugh, Carnes. This is prompting me to update my spiel and heads up about using Carnes’ hijacked, mutated and monetized term “trauma bonding.” Unless you want to throw clicks, money and more unsuspecting chumps in Carnes’ direction, consider opting for the term “captor bonding” instead. Captor bonding is the original, far more helpful and more deeply researched clinical term that Carnes’ ripped off and defaced.
What’s in a word? A whole world of bullshit. First notice how Carnes’ mutant coinage removes any reference to perpetrator (captor) or implication of victim (captive) or crime (captive-taking) and instead evokes the idea of two or more people– none more guilty or innocent than the other and all equally “traumatized”– clinging together in a flood and pulling each other down. There’s no crime, just tragedy. No bad guys or good guys! Now stop to consider the fact that the term and concept of “captor bonding”– aka Stockholm syndrome– caused a revolution in victimology and legal response by illustrating how violence or coercion explained the behavior of victims of domestic violence as well as undermining the old, moldy theory that victims “stayed” because they secretly liked being abused, were drawn to abusers and provoked abuse. Why would anyone want to undo that progress and all the enormous changes that it brought like victim/witness protections and compensation, funding for programs and shelters, protective orders, stiffer penalties for abusers, more effective therapy for victims and children, improved public involvement in protecting victims, increased reporting and an untold number of lives saved?
I think of Carnes’ diagnostic term hijacking as akin to vandalizing a road sign for a hospital emergency department that points injured travelers to a fake back alley “clinic” where they’ll be beaten up and robbed instead of triaged and helped. Basically “travelers”– survivors of violence and coercion– were attempting to go to resources that would actually support and heal them but instead are pointed in the direction of resources that will blame them, exploit them, take their money and, furthermore, exonerate their abusers. And after seeing the video above, I think I’m a little clearer on why Carnes would do this. I used to think the term-vandalism was just cynical traffic piracy, a sort of corporate competitive strategy driven by a therapy model that coddles abusers for mostly pragmatic reasons– because, generally speaking, abusers won’t pay therapists who call a spade a spade, call abuse “abuse” and call abusers “abusers.” But now I suspect even creepier motives. I get the feeling that Carnes has some demented drive to tear down almost 50 years of progress in advocacy for victims of domestic violence because, deep in his heart, he’s on “team batterer.”
Of course I don’t know the guy personally but we’re talking about classic cues. Clinical research of batterers in prison settings suggests that batterers are extremely sensitive to public perceptions of their behavior as if they count on support from the “crowd” in order to destigmatize and rationalize their conduct. Serial abusers tend to collect “palliative comparisons” or evidence that society approves or at least forgives their behavior and will zealously fight against notions and perceptions that condemn them, including the idea that their own victims– or victims in general– are truthful, wholly innocent and undeserving of abuse. Like pedophiles, domestic abusers appear to have a drive to enter professions with “hero aura” which give them power over both prospective victims and sway over public perceptions. This suggests that, as domestic abusers form protection rackets in private to entrap victims, they also seem to be driven to do this in a wider, organized public sense. It would be in keeping with this twisted MO to form therapeutic traps to prevent victims from seeking help from actually helpful resources and instead to steer them back into a fold controlled by abusers.
Meanwhile, the original term “captor bonding” was coined in the 1970s by founding psychotraumatologist, veteran domestic violence survivor advocate and the original researcher who identified Stockholm syndrome, Dr. Frank M. Ochberg. Any search for the term or Ochberg’s name will, again, bring up over 40 years of hugely important victim resources, research on the effects of violent and coercive systematic brainwashing and all sorts of not-so-palliative comparisons to other forms of violent entrapment such as political hostage taking and torture, pedophilic grooming and serial killing. “Stockholm syndrome” was the name for the condition created by the press but, as Ochberg coined it, captor bonding would be considered proper “nosology” or disease-naming in the field of medicine because reference to cause (the “captor” or perpetrator) is built into it. When cause is known, it’s supposed to be included in the clinical name for a condition. The existence of victim (captive) and perpetrator (captor) and that a crime has been committed (taking captives) give the term sufficient gravity and it’s clinically accurate when applied to DV since leading DV researchers have repeatedly illustrated that the tactics used in political interrogation and hostage-taking are virtually indistinguishable from the tactics used by domestic abusers.
Also built into the term “captor bonding” is an understanding that the victim was held hostage in some way under coercive circumstances and had their agency robbed from them, therefore discouragement of victim-blaming is built into the term as well. This is no accident and reflects Ochberg’s general non-blaming philosophy of victimology and non-coddling view of perpetrators. It’s also no accident that following the term “captor bonding” down the rabbit hole of the web or expert resources leads to a rich supply of other victim advocacy resources because the good faith operators in the field tend to hang out with each other and work together. In the bible of PTSD therapy that Ochberg edited (which is listed on the resource page of this blog), “Post-Traumatic Therapy and the Victims of Violence” is a chapter by pioneers of DV survivor advocacy and the international shelter movement, Evan Stark and Anne Flitcraft. What’s more, the chapter is a direct attack on the same clinical and legal victim-blaming approaches to victims of domestic violence that Carnes and his acolytes now aim at survivors of a form of domestic abuse involving sexual control and betrayal.
Just as a side note, since– in my experience– virtually all batterers cheat, I don’t see much difference between DV and cheating other than broken bones. It’s as if Carnes and his acolytes have fished out and focused on one particular abuse tactic used by abusers to the exclusion of all others. This would be equivalent to, say, only treating abusers for their tendency to hit victims with toasters on the theory that victims, say, burned the toast one too many times and ignoring assaults with any implement unrelated to burned toast. Aside from being dangerously blaming, the approach is sort of loony reductionism.
The reductionist view of domestic abuse is probably the only thing novel about Carnes’ approach. Otherwise Ochberg’s book is more than 20 years old and the chapter on DV clearly illustrates that that Carnes’ approach is nothing new. It’s just the same “takes two to tango,” split-blame approach that battering victims were once routinely subjected to. The fact that the approach has weeds growing on it makes the adoption of it by Carnes et al. appear to be a type of “therapeutic instrumentalism.” In the sense that I mean it, this is instrumentalism as in “using something just because you happen to have it lying around,” sort of like how Laos was bombed during Vietnam because there were a bunch of unused jets and bombs lying around. In other words, Carnes et al. have repurposed a dormant therapeutic approach for a supposedly different application. As Stark and Flitcraft conclude in the chapter on DV, this approach tends to end very badly for victims, their children and for society in general.
And here’s the kicker: Evan Stark is now spearheading a global campaign to include “coercive control”– or “sub-violent” forms of domestic abuse, control and coercion– in domestic violence statutes. As defined by criminal law in the UK and civil law in the US, coercive control includes many of the behavior patterns that typically accompany sexual infidelity such as gaslighting, psychological bullying, financial abuse, etc. In other words, while banning the act of cheating itself wouldn’t be legislatable, coercive control statutes would make make many of the behaviors used to facilitate cheating unlawful and either punishable with prison terms (UK) or could help victims get orders of protection (Connecticut) and full custody of children (Hawaii and California).
Why would those who defend abusers and euphemize abuse want victims to find resources and sources like Ochberg, Flitcraft and Stark, etc., that not only directly contravene defenders’ claims and approaches but are also actively campaigning to criminalize what the defenders defend and condemn the defenders?
I know that, in the past few years, some well-meaning self-help resources have adopted Carnes’ term “trauma bonding” simply because it’s been so heavily pushed by Carnes and company to the point of becoming viral. But survivors in serious straits have to ask themselves how helpful a self-help resource or therapist could be if they don’t know anything about the history of the terms “trauma bonding” vs. “captor bonding.” No one deeply versed in trauma psychology could be unaware of that history and it’s a safer bet to find someone who does.
Anyway, I’d like to urge people to use the term “captor bonding” rather than the term “trauma bonding” and to share the history of Carnes’ term vandalism when they see “trauma bonding” mentioned as an act of insurrection against the forces of bs. Vive la revolution.
That’s really interesting HOAC – just today I saw BTR.org describe it as “manufactured relational tether”
Well that version has six more syllables. I can’t disagree with Blythe that Carnes’ bastardized “trauma bonding” implies victim blaming if just by removing a portion of blame for abuse from the perpetrator. But Stockholm syndrome– what the press dubbed Ochberg’s captor bonding syndrome after his investigation of Swedish hostages who bonded with bank robbers– isn’t the same thing and isn’t victim blaming in essence (even if toxic bystanders, bad therapists and crappy ADAs sometimes say it with a sneer). The idea is that it can happen to anyone, including veteran intelligence specialists who are captured and subjected to particular interrogation tactics.
As always I enjoy your analysis.
This is an excellent overview of a phenomenon I’ve noticed in the wider culture, generally. That is, co-opting clinical language to excuse behavior choices. Maybe it’s the prevalence of WebMD (I can attest to my own self-diagnoses every time I have an ache or cough – it’s usually Bubonic Plague or leprosy)
It’s also a subject addressed in so much literature I’ve thought about (1984 or Things Fall Apart or Hamlet).
Also, it’s not even 8:00 a.m. on a Monday morning where I am so Whoa! that you can produce such a well-thought through and cogent argument is astonishing to me.
Th ask for posting sisters of support, that is how I can to hear about your book. I just listened to the clip on that link and my jaw dropped open. What a load of rubbish.” Betrayed partners often go to emotions and have a history of going to emotions”. Yes…because they have a history of being cheated on and emotionally abused. I am so grateful for people like you and also Omar Minwallem that helped me to challenge that line of thinking.
Not wanting to have sex with a husband who sleeps with prostitutes, your sister and a load of other randoms isn’t “intimacy anorexia” …… it’s consequences in the form of a boundary.
As an aside, who is it that licences people like Dr Weiss?
LFTT, it’s also self preservation. STD’s for all!!!
The state department of health professions licenses counselors among other health professionals in each state. Not surprisingly it looks like the DHP in Colorado has found him to be in violation of Colorado statutes and publicly admonished him at least once (it’s public record).
He is a psychologist and he is technically licensed by the psychology board of his state. As a therapist, I can tell you it is all such a racket, and worrisome to me. If you have the word doctor in front of your name it seems you can do just about anything….want to improve your memory? Squirt shark piss up your nose. and by the way, you are an emotional anorexic, go have sex with your prostitute-ladenG husband….and then you have a bill on your credit card statement for about 3k.
Barf, just barf.
This is the very reason to trust that they suck. They believe no matter how bad the behavior, it’s not their fault. You should fix it. Why fix a marriage full of lies, deceit, disrespect, financial harm and the very real physical harm. They truly have no limits in narcissism.
My ex boyfriend begged me to go one this idiot’s retreats during his last attempts to Hoover and try to get me to reconcile after I found him with the 24 yr old smoochie who had a habit of cutting herself and would threatened to kill me, his boys, and him as well as threaten to call HR to keep him hooked. Soon I later found out he was also hooking up with randos from multiple dating/social media websites. He compared himself to Tommy Lee and said he had to get his “fix” of young girls then smeared me with “intimacy anorexia” and how I should go to this idiot’s conference as it would “help me” and “enhance our relationship and our sex life”. Soon after, I went no contact. #dodgedabullet
Wow, cheaters’ self-exculpations have really gone down hill in recent years, obviously with the help of RIC, CSAT and sex-pozzy/faux-poly hypocrisy. In college, I caught a guy I was dating cheating and he wrote an overwrought 7 page letter vowing to become a “better man.” Ack. I still told him to fuck off and die but, in comparison to modern apologism, the lack of psychobabble seems almost refreshing.
Truly pains me that so many horrible people like this guy exist. Using the guise of “helping” to destroy lives for a buck.
It’s insulting to anyone who has suffered from being cheated on, especially those who have been denied intimacy from a partner looking to inflict as much pain as possible…not to mention a blow to those individuals truly suffering from anorexia by stealing the term.
Sometimes it’s hard to cope knowing the number of devious, disorder people out in the world.
I find it helps to ridicule them.
🤪😜 that works for me !
Ridicule is a politically respected and effective tactic according to Gene Sharp’s bible of nonviolent resistance. It worked for OTPOR! in bringing down Milosevic. https://www.newtactics.org/tactic/using-humor-put-oppressive-government-lose-lose-situation
CL/HOAC what’s your take on humour as a substitute for violence? And why some men feel so threatened by funny women? My 20yo son, who believes Andrew Tate is an innocent man, tries so hard not to show any signs he enjoys my humour, as if he is betraying the brotherhood by doing so (no, it isnt just cos my jokes arent funny). I’ve experienced this my whole life from a particular type of male (aka fuckwits)
Interesting question. Boy are you in for it because I’ve spent years trying to figure that stuff out. Here is my theory which is my theory…
First off, maybe you’ve heard of that old poll where men and women were asked what terrified them most about the opposite sex. Women said “Being killed” and men said “Being laughed at.” But I can think of a million extra reasons why the “manosphere” movement– for whom Andrew Tate is a kind of figurehead– would fear being laughed at. “Small dick energy” comes to mind, not to mention the collective’s jumbled pile of really idiotic, unscientific and ahistoric rationalizations. So much fodder for humor.
The more followers of that ideology become a recognizable group with common philosophies and aims and the more the collective attempts to hijack scientific rationales to justify itself, the more the movement bears all the earmarks of “totalitarianism.” I’ll explain that in a minute, but, for starters, you could argue that totalitarians especially hate being laughed at. Happy people laugh. Happy people tend to be happy because they feel free. Ergo anyone who demands total control over society or certain segments of society would fear humor as an earmark of rebellion particularly by the movement’s designated underclass which, in the case of the manosphere, happens to be mainly women. Since the manosphere’s plan is basically to enslave women (for, cough cough, “women’s own good” of course), they tend to bristle at women’s laughter the same way a Southern plantation owner of yore would freak out hearing a group of slaves giggling. Laughter is the sound oppressors hear right before their heads end up on pikes.
For the sake of argument, “Totalitarianism” is generally defined as a kind of existential cult whose ideology involves using evolutionary junk science (something called “scientism” by political historians– a kind of authoritarian science which no-one is allowed to question despite the fact that authoritarian science is invariably bad) to justify violence and to promise followers a “future paradise on earth” free from suffering, discord, etc. And the thing is, scientism is funny on the face of it. The theories are idiotic. The fact that this brand of ideology can lead to mountains of corpses isn’t funny but the junk science itself is hilarious. Some examples:
The first targets of eugenic science under Hitler weren’t Jews and Poles but the mentally and physically disabled. Eugenicists believed racial impurity caused disability and mental illness and ignored the fact that a) Europe is one giant ethnic melting pot; and b) Germany’s role as the leading chemical producer in the world at the time might have had something to do with the sudden rise of novel birth defects that initially set off the eugenic movement. Then Stalin believed in debunked “Lamarckian” genetics or the idea that acquired traits– like political beliefs– are heritable. Stalin used this as justification to kill off entire ethnic communities as well as killing or displacing their children on the grounds that the children had “inherited” their parents “wrongful” political ideology. I think in the case of the manosphere, leaders are using bastardized evolutionary science as the grounds to promise a generation of horny or attachment-insecure young men a “paradise” involving either endless pussy buffets or the expectation of total female devotion within marriage regardless of how shitty a man’s social skills are.
That said, I’m so sorry your son seems to have been drafted into that growing “insurgency.” It’s like losing a loved one to a cult because, again, it seems to be becoming a cult. I don’t know exactly what’s causing the rise in this kind of ideology but suspect sociopolitical/economic conditions have probably caused “surges” throughout human history. There’s an older book by feminist scholar Susan Faludi titled “Stiffed” which discusses how political climate and economic conditions can cause a kind of crisis cult related to masculinity among young men. The book is more than a little prophetic considering what’s going on now.
And there’s also the simple fact that, whenever women get too uppity in any society, there’s usually political backlash. Berlin– for better or worse– was becoming the center of sexual expression prior to the rise of the Hitler and the conditions gave women more freedom for a period. But under Hitler, women lost the right to vote or run for office. And the libertarian (Euro version of libertarianism, which means anarchosocialism) experiment in Spain gave rise to the anarchofeminist/socialist group “Mujeres Libres” in the 1930s which seemed to really get Spanish military dictator Franco’s knickers in a wad. Franco and his chief psychiatrist, Antonio Vallejo Nágera, developed a demented theory that the “maternal red gene” was “threatening to emasculate” Spain. Consequently Franco’s regime removed over 300,000 children from suspected Republican (in Spain at the time, Republican meant “leftist”) mothers and sold or gave the children to Franco supporters in order to “lessen the expression” of the supposed red gene for “genetic political psychopathy.” Franco’s “scientism” was kind of a contradictory hash of Freudianism, Catholicism and “Lamarckian” eugenics. Then in the 1970s, the Argentine and Chilean dictatorships adopted Franco’s political psychobabble and did the same, killing off tens of thousands of suspected socialists and “disappearing” suspected “red” mothers and stealing and displacing their children. It’s arguable that both South American dictatorships were also partly backlash to women’s increasing equality in both countries prior to the military coups. Religion played a different role in South America compared to Spain’s authoritarian Catholicism (where the church was an instrument of oppression) because the Catholic church in South America during that period was swept up in “liberation theology” which, because it focuses mainly on the words of Jesus for guidance, was pretty lefty and egalitarian. Consequently priests and nuns were being slaughtered under the Latin American dictatorships. The current pope is an Argentine liberation theologist.
Left-learning totalitarian regimes like Stalin, etc., tend to give more lip-service to women’s equality in order to squeeze more labor out of populations but typically fail to implement equality in actually significant ways. Totalitarianism is invariably pretty macho. Again, fake authoritarian science defines all forms of totalitarianism and is at the core of leftist totalitarianism. Either way, plebes aren’t allowed to mock it, probably to the degree that there’s so much there to make fun of.
Chump Lady nailed it.
Funny that he uses “intimacy anorexics” for the chumps to blame us for depriving cheaters emotionally, physically and spiritual . We are the ones who are usually deprived of genuine POSITIVE emotions and actions from our cheaters.
So right. When I heard that term I immediately thought yes! My ex was an intimacy anorexic, so descriptive for a man who withheld love and intimacy!
Then I reread it. Im so naive. I guess I was actually the anorexic because I wouldn’t have sex with him while he had a girlfriend! I didn’t understand intimacy is actually sex with strangers, not my ridiculous definition of being fully oneself in a safe relationship. They use their twisted definitions to justify being twisted people.
For what it’s worth, the current generation, with their “hook up” culture, is clarifying this point. Tinder sex is sex. Intimacy is what is found within caring relationships between all types of people. Makes sense to me, as long as everyone is honest about their intentions.
I realize, as a woman, there is so much oppression and abuse to go crazy about. However, does anyone on this site care about rational journalism, or do we just prefer to get worked up by dozens of people who have never had a conversation with Dr. Weiss? I’d like to say, IN MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE being married to an abusive, narcissistic, cheating ex, that I agree with most of what is said here. These men hide behind their sex addict label and attach their labels of blame on everyone else: co-dependent, trauma attached, blah, blah, blah. There are plenty of sex addict groups for them to run to and hide behind. If it weren’t for my ex getting unexplainably fired from his corporate jobs, his lies and psychological manipulations may have never been exposed.
In my actual experience, the only therapist that called my ex on his BS was Dr. Weiss. He saw through my ex’s self-centered fake tears and pathetic acting and called him out. He counseled me continually to leave.
I was young and so beaten down with abuse, that it took awhile. But no counselor tried harder to get me to leave my personal hell. Doug Weiss had me (and all the women at the 3/5 day intensives) write a Plan B if our husbands turned out to be lying and unwilling to follow the plan he wrote up for them. Dr. Weiss was very clear in person, and in his books, that the perpetrators were the sexual anorexics. That the women would said no were only having appropriate boundaries to protect ourselves from more abuse and more std’s. I know it’s more exciting to get angry about it being flipped, but that is not what Dr Weiss said and it’s clearly not true, a woman always has the right to be healthy and say no.
I feel bad for the woman who wrote the bad review for what she endured, because she deserved to be believed and helped like I was. I believe there are plenty more women in this situation.
And for those women on here reading this- women who are young, too overwhelmed to get out of your living hell like I was, maybe feeling trapped with little kids and no support, please know there are good, smart people out there who will support you and lead you out of your abuse. Dr. Weiss and a Battered Women’s Shelter counseling group was there for me. Keep fighting and looking, you can find the help you need.
Exactly! Just reading this my first thought was yeah, I was starved of all that, including sex. But wait!! He’s blaming me? Interesting that anyone would assume withholding sex causes someone else’s “sex addiction”. I did everything I could to get my ex interested in me, but he wasn’t. I wasn’t as exciting as S&M clubs and hookers. And no, spiritual intimacy did not come into it either Doug. I find it interesting that he doesn’t see that the “addicts” are the withholders not the chumps.
Yes, sounds just like my ex’s go-to “I can separate sex and emotions” which really probably was more accurately stated as “I cannot actually maintain sex in the context of a relationship where I have to feign relational intimacy.” Hypersexual guy who was definitely not interested in much sex with me for years, and any that existed required slapping and gagging and name calling dirty talk. But sure, the chump is the intimacy problem. He was just “feeling really disconnected lately.” BDSM, sex clubs, swinging and whatever the hell is on the self identified “dom and sadist”s extensive list of fetishes these days I guess is what passes for intimacy.
Wait. What if a chump succumbs to having sex with a cheater who’s lousy in bed, gets nothing out of it and throws up afterwards? Does that make them an intimacy bulimic? What if a chump prefers only organic sex with healthy partners free from pesticides, additives, colorants, STDs, personality disorders, vinyl gimp masks and hormone disruptors? Are they intimacy orthorexics?
Seriously, the latter term was coined in a junk food industry boardroom in an attempt to categorize healthy eating as a disorder. Just like with sex addiction, the DSM won’t include it. It’s a perfect equivalent for Weiss’s bs.
Can’t help but observe that after dday, chumps don’t just “develop” intimacy anorexia (WTF is wrong with that monster?). Many of us also become actual anorexics and insomniacs. Neither by choice nor by coincidence. Why isn’t Weiss worried about that? Us? We chumps need to get more counterstories out there. Cheater and apologist narratives around cheating and abuse fall apart as soon as you acknowledge that chumps are human and have needs, rights and feelings, too.
Not to mention that the cheater is a vampire who has sucked all the trust and respect out of the relationship and we are left to somehow replenish the lifeblood that is necessary for true intimacy.
Which of course can never happen because intimacy requires two real people, not one who has been sucked dry and a deep faker.
OMG, this is exactly the type of crap I had to listen to in my short six-week exposure to the RIC. Never once did they say anything about my trauma as the cheated-on spouse. Instead, I was supposed to take half the blame (or more) plus had to feel greater empathy for his “addiction” and trust him again. Really, why should I trust a person who has lied, cheated and stolen from me? Well, the counselor’s answer was “to help his recovery, you have to trust him at his word, it would not be right to look at his phone or question him!.”
Fortunately, I did not need much time to figure out that the RIC was all about supporting the cheater and not the chump. Trust is something that is given based on actions. The FW showed with his actions that he could not be trusted. I am not buying into the whole sex addict concept because it just gives cheaters an excuse to lie and cheat. I signed up for lifelong monogamy and I though t he did too. He violated that agreement so now he has his freedom and can eat all the cake he wants!
Glad that Lisa finally woke up. Hopefully, she found this group. It was a life saver for me.
Fine with me if people want to identify as a sex addict. It helps me identify people I would never be in a relationship with.
IMHO they should stick together, which makes the whole debate moot for me.
My parents’ marriage was an example of What Not To Do. When I met Traitor Ex I was very aware I lacked the skills for a healthy committed long term relationship, and said so. I wanted to be with a fundamentally good guy who wanted to learn those skills with me, or I wanted to stay single. And I said so. He said he was that guy, and counseling was a regular part of our 27 years together. That only turned out to be an extra layer of mindfuck to deal with, realizing he was lying about what he thought, how he felt, what he was doing, and who he was doing it with, for God knows how long, for 27 years.
He lies lies lies lies lies to this day, five years after we parted.
I would rather jump out of an airplane without a parachute than continue a relationship with someone dishonest.
Launching liars is a great way to decide who I spend my nonrefundable time and attention and life with.
So-called “doctor” Weiss’s failure to disclose the circumstances of the end of his own marriage only confirms his status as a charlatan.
Lying prevents intimacy.
Another doctor I do respect, Dr. Frank Pittman, tells people who cheat “YOU are what is wrong with your relationship.”
Conducting a secret sexual double life requires lying, which effectively and single-handedly sucks the intimacy out of any relationship. If I am putting myself out there to someone who is defrauding me, I am hardly an “intimacy anorexic”. I am a victim of fraud.
If you want to flummox a cheater, ask them why they kept hanging around if things with you were so awful.
I don’t keep going to a restaurant I hate.
I don’t keep seeing a movie I don’t like.
I don’t wear shoes that hurt my feet.
Intimacy requires honesty. Illicit relationships run on lying, so there is no intimacy there either.
years ago i asked my ex- that question: if i suck and our relationship sucks and you are so unhappy, why do you want me to stay with you?
it does stop them in their tracks LOL and his answer was to read ‘how to win friends and influence people’
he announced he had changed (in one day after reading it LOL) and when i said no one changes in a day he had a total massive meltdown about how unfair i was to him by not believing his miraculous change, proving that i was right LOL there was no change and he was just trying to delay my leaving
i was packing, not hiding, making plans, not hiding, i was trying to separate things, not hiding and the day before i moved out he what SHOCKED, SHOCKED I TELL YOU that i was leaving LOL
the delusion runs deep and one of the main things i’ve learned through my break ups is the cheaters all want some type of ‘security’ – money, appearances, someone to clean the house, someone to raise the kids on their own, etc so they can continue their lies and cheating
it is all a game to them
“and his answer was to read ‘how to win friends and influence people” – a book whose message is to pay attention to the needs of others and communicate with them from an understanding of their point of view. FW clearly never read it.
I believe it is a game to them. And my X was laughing up his sleeve about it for 30 years! He still wears his wedding ring, and says I’m his wife to everyone. (Divorced 11 years) He’s basically lost what was left of his mind. And I’m doing better and seeing the light in life at last!
Don’t think serial cheating worked out so well for him. Of course, along with all the other games he played on us, financial, etc.
As far as ‘Dr’ Weiss, I agree with CN here, the chumps are the ones being starved of affection and truth. He’s only in it for the money, and the betrayed spouses are getting betrayed once more by this con.
Break free! Come to the ChumpLady light!
In his mind the relationship is over when he says it’s over. Since you left him he’s still claiming you are his wife 11 years later.
I think they are shocked because their deception game up until that point has always worked. So when they are finally revealed for who they really are, and we follow through on actual consequences, they are genuinely shocked that the Karma bus has finally come for them.
Well said, Velvet!
Sex addicts and absolutely everyone who works in the sex addiction therapy field are incredibly bad people. That’s all there is to it. I attended a group session for partners of sex addicts after my divorce, hoping it would help me heal. It was the saddest thing I’d ever seen. A bunch of women who blamed and hated themselves for the sick, fucked up things their husbands had done and continued to do.
Agree 100%! I fell into the sex addiction hole of hell after Dday. The trauma I suffered in those 18 weeks at the so-called therapist’s hands was worse than Dday. They diagnosed XH as a sociopath— didn’t tell me until after we spent thousands in “therapy.” CL called it: Nothing to work with. Go no contact. Get a lawyer and divorce. Leave a cheater gain a life. That’s the “cure.”
The sex addict support groups are no better. When it was clear that my ex was performing badly at work and staying up until 3am each day because he was watching porn all the time, I asked my ex to attend a sex addiction support group. Back when I thought things could change for the better. I think the group just made him feel like he wasn’t a bad guy and introduced him to a variety of new options for unhealthy behavior. When I found out about his prostitution habit, he made a comment that he just recently realized that maybe he had a problem; previously he’d been going to support groups and thinking he didn’t really need to be there. Just sitting there feeling superior. He told me that maybe he just needed to find someone who wouldn’t be so judgmental, like some of the wonderful people at his support group 🙄 I think support groups can be ok, but you get out what you put in, and his foundation was so broken, it just trained him in more effective manipulation techniques. I think that seems pretty typical of all our stories. I’m slowly arriving at the sad conclusion that one’s path is set early in life and very difficult to dramatically shift.
My x also felt he wasn’t bad compared to his SA therapy cohorts—he’d only solicited one hooker, only set up f@ck buddy dating apps (pure, seeking, etc etc) BUT had not used them (how dare I question his motives?), and lamented that he hadn’t screwed around with hundreds of people. The incessant porn, the fortune spent on sex workers… he used a different Dr Weiss, sex addiction therapist (Rob not Doug) to shift the blame to me. It’s so dark and sick to blame the cheated on spouse for the atrocious betrayal.
My STBX is the same. He feels superior to the other “sex addicts”. He’s even told me repeatedly that he’s “one of the good ones”. Um…yeah….sure. 30 years of lying, cheating, gaslighting, strippers, other women and financial abuse, but sure, you’re one of the good ones. *eyeroll* He’s also extremely defensive about his “sobriety” and will go into a rage if I bring up the fact that he still abuses me. He wears his 3 year “sobriety” chip with insane pride and nothing can jeopardize that.
What does a “sobriety chip” look like? A boner with a line through it?
🤣🤣 “boner with a line through it” FTW.
He proudly takes out of his pocket a chip that looks like a No Smoking sign except… oh wait…not quite. 😂
Klootzak is the same. He is fixed now. All better. Except I know he isn’t. He recently convinced an old high school girlfriend that she has always loved him. I wonder if her husband knows. If I had a way to tell him, I would. But he is cured of his SA because he hasn’t slept with her. lol Yeah, right. Like CL says, adults fuck. I’m sure she isn’t in love with him based on his beautiful prose.
I also attended a support group for a while, but I was the only one who’d left my FW. A few were newly chumped and struggling with the whole “stay a year” thing. A couple were long-timers and were still finding burner phones and evidence. I left because that dynamic got uncomfortable for me. I didn’t like hearing amazing women talk about being repeatedly abused, and then being expected to just be a neutral sounding board.
So Dr Weiss puts out an announcement almost a year after his divorce? Someone’s been on damage control. Trying to get the spouse to reconcile in the meantime & the ex-spouse wasn’t having it?? Something smells. maybe Dr Weiss (or his wife) failed the annual liar detector test that’s given to all the staff to prove their sex addiction “sobriety”?? If so, he should give all his patients their money back!
I am one of those clients who want their $ back! We had done an intensive with him within this last year in May when he was apparently just newly divorced in April. Pretending to still be married while taking in tons of intensives this last year in his marriage ministry of 30 some years. Many of us yes feel lied to, deceived and betrayed. Especially, when some of us found out about not only the divorce, but also to his engagement to Joni from Daystar at the same time. My counselor from H2H has confirmed this, but it is not public yet. We keep being told that date keeps getting pushed out to be released on Daystar. Last I heard maybe around Mar 13.
“Dr. Weiss has been in recovery for over 34 years, he and all of the counselors at Heart to Heart verify their sobriety with regular polygraphs.”
Imagine the office parties.
You mean orifice parties?
It’s a cult waiting to happen.
“ALL WOMEN NEED THIS,” says Doug. I don’t know about other women, but I’m really tired of RIC material aimed at women!! I’m tired of sole-caretaking relationships too. If I don’t get equal input into a relationship by the other party (friends & family included), I’m going to invoke that “intimacy anorexia” & that’s called a consequence, Doug!!!
If I had been pressured into being intimate with my cheating ex-wife after the last D-day, I would have vomited. Not because I am an emotional anorexic, but because she gave me emotional food poisoning. Love listeria. Sex salmonella. #blargh
Relational retching. Coital queasiness. Nookie nausea. Barenaked biliousness.
I couldn’t agree more. I couldn’t look at klootzak naked and not want to puke. Gross. He just looks like used goods to me now. Nothing special at all and nauseating. I can imagine the pubic lice.
I attended a few sessions of the Heart to Heart group sessions for women. These were the loveliest women, grieving and praying for their husbands. I was the odd woman out with my volcanic anger, foul language, defiant attitude and plans to build a FW-sensing gps unit and mount a harpoon on the front of my car and thereafter drive around hunting these motherfuckers down. They thought I was funny but sure didn’t want to be me. I also didn’t want to be me.
Before I signed up for the sessions I called their office and asked for their stats on marriages still together after a year of therapy. I’m in medical research and am data-driven. Very reluctantly and churlishly they informed me that of couples that did the work, 70% were still together a year later. However, I found out later that they advised staying together for at least a year to try to sort things out. And how many cheaters actually do the work? It was a meaningless statistic. My fantasy is a group action lawsuit in which they have to reveal their true results, and are shown to be snake oil salesmen.
BTW, intimacy anorexia is a euphemism for narcissism, since most sex addicts are narcissists as well. But you already know that.
BTW I’ve been cured of my belief in “sex addiction.” This is a result of my google degree in sex addiction, which I acquired in my post Dday skein-untangling review of all things SA and of course my personal experience. There is no such thing as sex addiction. Instead there are disordered narcissists and their lies. They lie about everything, not just sex, their problem is not as simple as ‘sex addiction.” Once you know who they really are, Dday is the happiest day you will ever have with them moving forward, because you still have a smidge of hope. Luckily, it is completely unfounded hope and does not last.
Meaningless, all right, especially when the 70% figure is already loaded by “of couples that did the work.” One wonders how “doing the work” was measured.
ha ha ha ha Adelante, that’s an easy one. It is defined as you still ponying out regular sums of money to the Doug Weiss empire.
[smacks forehead] Of course!
And then there’s the possibility that liars lie about the stats. Imagine that. 🧐
In “Your Brain on Porn”, Gary Wilson – author (an aetheist, BTW, if that is relevant to anybody), shows how damaging and addictive porn is – particularly to young brains. If any of you out in CN have sons READ THIS BOOK. The easy access to porn has resulted in almost 25% of teenaged boys experiencing erectile disfunction – a condition that was almost unheard of in that demographic 20 years ago.
I believe there is such a thing as sex addiction. But the addict makes a choice every single time they decide to indulge in their drug of choice. (Those who indulge in regular use of porn are far more likely to cheat.) The choices they make, every single day, the lies, the secrecy, the grooming of schmoopies…all are choices they make which they KNOW will cause serious problems to their marriage (hence the secrecy and lying). They CHOOSE to do this.
The choices of cheaters do severe damage to their spouses. Dr. Minwalla nails it on the head with his paper “The Secret Sexual Basement” (sorry, long string ahead)(There is also a podcast) https://uploads-ssl.webflow.com/617ae91f60ee604e4aad3dae/61a539b9d10d4eaac2032f2b_The_Secret_Sexual_Basement_Nov_2021.pdf
More and more people are starting to rise up against the blameshifting of cheaters and the RIC. I am so glad I found CL before I grasped at that dessicated RIC straw.
The choice chumps have is to stay and continue enduring abuse, like I did for two years, or to realize it is time to get off the Titanic and save yourself.
There is not a such thing as sex addiction. It’s an excuse to medicalize a package of behaviors ranging from treatable personality disorder to sociopathy.
There’s a lot of money being made in keeping chumps captive. Not just the RIC. The resources to help chumps are under-funded or not available.
I tried 4 therapists billed as betrayal or trauma experienced and found no help until I discovered this blog and the Heal from Infidelity podcasts including Minwallas Secret Basement! The sex addiction therapy my ex received obviously did not train him in victim trauma. He has yet to provide any explanation, remorse, nor emotion for the 35 years of marriage he blew up. I do believe that porn like any bad habit forms a personality of addiction but I agree too that these are choices, driven by character deficits, and willful,deceitful decisions.
Dr. Douglas Weiss
Not very nice
If you pay his price
Gives bad advice
“Just add spice”
“Weiss” said with a proper German accent sounds like “vice”. Fitting.
“You won’t let me have my ‘me time’ (hours of porn). 😫 You have my balls in a vice, you meanie !”
Oh my goodness, the whining about “me time”!!!
“I’m an introvert so I have to wind down at the end of the day” [by staying up until 3:00 doing who knows what and then complaining that he’s soooo tired]
I never caught him cheating or looking at porn. But when we split up, I found a porn DVD in the case of my favorite movie. I am positive that the sick fuck put it there on purpose, knowing I’d find it.
Creepy beyond words…
My life is full of those weird, creepy “coincidences”. His excuses/ explanations are just believable enough to make me look like the crazy one, the paranoid one who reads into every little detail and makes mountains out of molehills. 😡😡
I am beyond glad that my FW didn’t try to identify as a sex addict or I might have been tempted down this ridiculous road (FW thankfully could not stand to admit ANYTHING could be problematic about him, including refusing to be labeled an alcoholic and despising that our couples therapist called him one, as well as apparently resenting me for his 5.5 years of cold turkey sobriety because I never would say he wasn’t one and didn’t praise him enough for quitting. The reason he quit is because he knew I was no longer going to tolerate his impulse control problems with women/sex when drinking. Spoiler alert – the drinking wasn’t the cause).
I asked my long time therapist who I truly trust and has worked in various capacities in the psych field just the other day out of curiosity if she believes sex addiction is real. I prefaced it by saying I know the DSM does not recognize it and that’s not what I’m asking. She replied: “Yes. I’ve had a few in treatment with no success at all. They all met criteria for sociopathy in realms other than sex.”
I got the “I’m just a drunken philanderer” 24 years ago. He said at that time that if he stopped the drinking, the urge to pick up women would stop. Oh, but he omitted telling me all the behaviors he had, and that they also began to occur way before we got married. Thus began the long road into AlAnon, then SAnon, then POSA, then individual CSAT’s, Came’s philosophy, Barbara Steffens, then the segue into “trauma” therapy, a buzzword now in that RIC, then finally CL.
CL faces things head on & uses real language. Fake counselors use fake language. I was able to see the behavior of the Ex as behaviors that directly harmed me.
And who does this for 36 years?
Only someone who is intensely disordered.
Klootzak would chase skirts while stone cold sober. He drinks too much but I never once thought of the behaviors as related. The word I always came back to to describe him was “entitled.”
What is CL
CL = ChumpLady (this website)
Guess he failed one of those polygraphs. 🙄
I hope Lisa can find healing for her sexual anorexia.
And Doug? I hope he finds a speeding manure truck.
…with faulty brakes.
This brings me back. I was suckered into a weekend retreat with an organization called Retrovaille. It’s “curriculum” maybe wasn’t overtly foul like the Weiss program, but it certainly teed up manipulation and faux remorse in an environment where accountability wasn’t the point. I remember feeling so sorry for a woman there who was clearly traumatized and suffering from her d-bag husband’s cheating. She kept breaking down, but somewhat privately. It wasn’t for show. Her meat-head husband would feebly try to act consoling. And there I was thinking “this poor woman” as I was in the midst of being toyed with and deceived on so many levels, and the stealth slander campaign was in full gear, but believing I was getting somewhere, with oh so much more to come.
Ugh…this is bringing back memories of the hopium I had, and the lonely meetings I attended, the conference we both went to, and the CSATS I found.
Not worth one lousy penny.
I drew the line at paying for lie detector tests. My gut instinct was that a relationship in which you needed a $300 test every few months was not much of a relationship.
Now that I am out of the marriage, it is crystal clear how much I was used as his legitimate front to disguise his outside sexual activities. The few meetings that he attended & the weekly counseling added more substance to that front. But he’d only do those things when I initiated it. Then it would fade away. Otherwise he was happy for the status quo of UpAndOut at home, taking care of the kids & being concerned about our marriage, and he went about his business trips doing what he pleased. At times, he would do the “oh poor me, I am an addict, I am ashamed, I have too much shame, I can’t help myself, I don’t want to be doing this” but nothing ever seemed to change and everything else in our relationship went downhill over the years. He was unreliable, moody, preoccupied with himself, and then became reclusive.
I have given up untangling his skein. At times, I still try to figure out what happened to ME over the 36 years we were married. Omar Minwalla’s articles have been very helpful, and Dan Hennnessy’s books. Both believe that the perpetrator believes he is entitled to sexual gratification.
I don’t believe it’s an addiction, but it definitely has overlapping characteristics: an easy way to feel good, secretive behavior, lying or omission of facts, escalating behavior to obtain that “high,” and bafflement within the healthcare community of how to effectively treat it.
I personally think so many people within healthcare, business, politics, and law have this entitlement problem that there will not be a solution. Except to get the hell away from these people as soon as you know.
I used to work for professional regulation, and I’m a divinity school PhD student, so I did some brief digging. He did his MA and MDiv at Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary, which would explain some of his backwards views on gender (essentially articulating a philosophy of the partner who is usually a woman being at fault for the problems in the marriage). Google “Paige Patterson” for info on how screwed up and backwards Southwestern is on gender.
Weiss’ Psy-PhD appears to be from a non-clinical program at Northcentral University. It’s accredited but the Psychology program there has *terrible* online reviews.
His Psychology license was disciplined by the State of Colorado in 2009, over an incident that happened in 2008, just a few months after he was licensed to practice Psychology. “Respondent created more adversity and alienation between the couple and elevated the marital discord by becoming an executioner of the marriage and rushing both of them into discussions about ending the marriage…”
The complaint is online if anyone wants to read it.
Anyhow, it’s not really a big surprise that he wasn’t able to make his own marriage work. He wasn’t taught healthy things about marriage at Southwestern, went to a crap Psychology program, then continued to teach unhealthy things as a psychologist.
There is a note under the description of the Northcentral University PhD-PsyD program: “Note on Licensure: The Doctor of Philosophy in Psychology program is not a licensure program and does not prepare an individual to become a licensed psychology or counseling professional.” So uncertain as to what that means? Also, the normal route to becoming a psychologist is a Bachelors Honours in Psychology, a Masters in Psychology, and then a PhD or PsyD. How was he able to jump into a PhD-PsyD program -perhaps with his marriage counselling MA degree?
Yeah, I’m not sure how licensure in Colorado. It’s possible the program at Northcentral was clinical when Weiss did it. Finding out would be more effort than I’d care to expend on this.
But considering he got disciplined for something he did just a few months out of the gate, I’d say a little more college might have done him some good.
*how licensure in Colorado works
I googled “Northcentral University” and the search came up with an online university that was founded in 1996 and is located in Scottsdale Arizona.
Is this what you found? If so, then……..yuck.
Yup. Looks like it was a for-profit university when Weiss went there, though it’s since become non-profit. It was accredited, but they’ve had their accreditation threatened, and make no mistake, some accredited PhD programs are a joke. I was just talking with one of my peers yesterday about how the PhD programs at Southwestern (where Weiss did his MA & MDiv) are largely a cash grab. A friend of mine did a PhD there and didn’t have a single specialist in his topic on his dissertation committee.
Anyhow, I’d bet money Weiss couldn’t get into an actual good program.
No one is ever going to convince me that a pig is not a pig
Not even if they have 10 PhD’s
“Have you dealt with sexual trauma, abuse, or misuse? Steps to Sexual Health is a 10-part DVD series by Doctor Doug Weiss, Ph.D. that encourages sexual healing and healthy attitudes toward sexuality.” Oh god. He’s a full blown predator. This screams all the red flags imaginable. He’s preying on victims of sexual abuse.
FW didn’t identify as a sex addict — because of course he wasn’t in any way part of the problem. Only me. FW left me because I was the problem. In fact, FW had little to no interest in sex. “Intimacy anorexia?” FW was the withholder. So I’m not sure how FW would fall into the “Dr” Doug Weiss school of thought. Not that I care or would bother asking.
MS: my ex withheld intimacy too. He thought anything beyond a “quickie” was too much effort!! That’s why he likes cheating & the first six months of a relationship. He can get sex based on lust & little to no intimacy during those times. Suits the avoidant/narcissist/asshole personality very well!!
Long, long ago, when I first started dealing with “the troubles” I found out about sex addiction and porn addiction. I wanted it to be true, because there were “programs” to deal with it, and maybe a “cure.” But alas, no cure. I do believe porn use works on the brain like a drug, you need more and different, stronger doses to become completely desensitized to thinking about people as a human. The “actors” become interchangeable parts and have no feeling of pain or humiliation. As time went on, I became convinced porn and sex addiction were just sub-categories of depravity caught up in the Cluster B personality “disorders” and sociopathology and/or psychopathology. These folks become detached from reality, and life is a game for them to “win”. They have delusions of grandeur, of their own importance and intelligence. Other people are either useful, or not. Maybe there is some traumatic event early in their lives, maybe they are just wired that way. I will never know, because for my own sanity and well-being I had to step away from the malignancy.
I did not want to believe there was no fix or cure, because I am a hopeful chump. But when I find a bottle labelled with skull and crossbones, and the word POISON on it, I don’t take a sip to be sure. I believe it and I avoid it. There is no safe exposure, there is no anti-dote.
You did not cause the problem; you cannot fix the problem. You are not the problem. Don’t want to have sex with a cheater? Healthy, not anorexic. Maybe some people grow apart for other reasons or have health issues that make them lose interest in sex. Deciding NOT TO HAVE SEX WITH A CHEATER is not that.
When I am angry and disappointed or horrified or gob-smacked, my sexual interest tends to turn off. I find it normal not to believe sex will fix any of the problems presented by cheating. People who give religious reasons that tell a partner to provide sex without question to “cure” this type of dysfunction are misguided. (I am being kind to use the word misguided.) Even when I am upset with someone else for some other reason, I’m not feeling sexual. A partner can choose to listen, or not, try to be helpful, or not. But don’t try to use sex to distract me from the issue at hand. Don’t try to make me feel guilty for not being in the mood either. Just let me work out my own issues, don’t tell me what to do or how to fix it. I am a capable adult. Try empathy, or compassion, or even ask if there is something you could do to help. Believe me, it’s not the time for sex therapy.
Incidentally, it may be my Irish ancestry, or my warped sense of humor that make me describe my time of marriage to cheaters as “The Troubles.” No offense to anyone, please. I try to use humor to deal with bad times. It is a coping method of mine. One of the reasons I read CL everyday is her use of snark.
My friend’s ex-husband went from one “addiction” to another: drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, food, you name it. Like my friend says, “it wasn’t the addiction, it was the source & the source is him!” My ex never claim an addiction because narcissists are perfect, you know 🙄
Maybe your ex, like mine, was addicted to his narcissism…
Oh nos! Dig Dougie have a “relapse” of his dreaded “illness”, the ilness that is completely, 110% not his fault and certainly has nothing to do with him being because he’s a con artist by nature?
So this guy created a phony treatment modality just so he could abuse other chumps besides just his own. Then he tried to rope not just chumps, but sexual assault victims into taking the blame for the results of trauma as “intimacy anorexic.” I think that calls for some commentary on his social media, if he hasn’t disabled comments. What a scumbag!
Btw, does anybody know what depriving somebody of “spiritual intimacy” is supposed to mean? What, you refuse to pray together or something?
Doug Weiss does seem to be the epitome of a Jesus Cheater. His Twitter is full of bilge-inducing, phoney religious drivel. I was going to snark, but I noticed he hardly gets any likes or retweets, so it seems that few people listen to that dingbat anyway. So why bother. Let him fade into obscurity. Now that his own marriage has imploded, it should prove more difficult to get people to believe he can save their marriages.
Tracy you. Are .the. Best 👌
I scrolled down and people can rate their helpful or harmful therapists by name.
I saw those ratings too. I was appaled to see that one of the therapists actually responded to defend himself.
In a sickening display of cluelessness and callousness, he mentioned that if things had gone better with his “sex addicted” client, he was going to suggest the pervert’s chump should get marital counseling with the creep. This was not just a guy who serially cheated and used porn, it was a guy who actually RAPED HER DOG. 😱
This is an illustration of why my handle is OHFFS and why I avoid therapists like the plague.
Interesting reviews of one of his books:
I sent my husband to a CSAT but did not plan to participate myself. I had one foot out the door and thought “Maybe he can get his shit straight and be a better person and co-parent.” The CSAT wanted to talk to me, and luckily she was one that actually understood betrayal trauma. She knew I was done with him but asked if I wanted to do a disclosure. I did it – basically used it to hold him accountable and get answers. Then I wrote my “impact letter,” which doubled as my last word because I filed two days later.
I am glad I held firm and didn’t get sucked into the healing together crap. That makes zero sense – it’s like being mauled by a grizzly bear and asking it to make you better. Meanwhile the grizzly’s still in the damn house and you have to set the boundaries to not be attacked? No thanks.
Me, an asexual, laughing hysterically
Dr. Doug is getting married in June. I suppose he needed to break the divorce news before his marriage announcement today.
Was there a marriage announcement?
Nope! He has still not mentioned his engagement to Joni at Daystar yet either. Where he has been for some time now. Those of us at his marriage ministry Heart to Heart are still waiting for it to be announced on Daystar supposedly soon. Last I heard around Mar 13, but it keeps getting pushed out.
Allegedly there was an announcement at daystar to the staff. Supposedly it started out with a lot of tears for the former sweetheart (God rest his soul) who passed just over a year ago and showing of the ring (with the obligatory daystar didn’t pay for this). Allegedly it was also said keep it on the down low or you will be let go. So maybe the pending engagement and wedding (allegedly set for June) announcements will still hit the airwaves 3/13.
Yep. That is what I heard. Finally confirmed by my counselor at Heart to Heart.
The engagement was announced and there counseling that they are still going through.
What a surprise ! 🤣🤣🤣🤣 Or rather, what predictable behavior
I am a guy who has struggled with sex “addiction” and infidelity and am now a counselor myself who has studied under Dr Weiss. I come in peace and am not posting this to fight or attack anyone. And I hope none of this comes across as mansplanning.
I first want to say to any women on here who have been hurt by men like me that I am sorry. You did absolutely nothing wrong and you were right to leave your ex. I will never understand the pain caused by these choices and any man who pretends to understand is a liar.
I am not here to defend Doug Weiss or his actions. I did not get into the counseling field because of him and his choices do not affect what I believe to be true or my desire to try to help other men with this behavior.
That being said I feel there are a lot of misconceptions about this topic that I would like to bring up and maybe bring a new perspective into the discussion.
First, I want to agree with and echo something that I’m finding said a lot on here: this behavior is about the heart, we “sex addicts” are selfish, narcissistic sociopathic bastards. We choose to do what we do: the devil didn’t make us do it, it’s not caused by a mental illness, we have free will and we have used it for our own gain. One of the misconceptions I see a lot online is the idea that “addiction” is used as an excuse. I still use the word addiction in my practice even though I think there is good reason to argue against it. But in all the material I’ve read from people like Weiss, Carnes, Laaser and others, I’ve never seen it used to excuse anyone. The way I interpret the research is that it explains how deviant sexual behavior affects the brain and how those affects can be treated. A good resource I have found is the book Hooked: The Brain Science on How Casual Sex Affects Human Development by Dr Joe McIlhaney and Dr Freda McKissic Bush (2018).
Unfortunately it seems as though many men have tried to use this as an excuse. And that goes back to our personality traits of lying and manipulation. But it doesn’t take away from the actual research.
The truth is there is NO excuse for this behavior and us perpetrators deserve everything that’s coming to us (divorce, loss of family, finances, health). The flip side is there is hope for some of us. But where the rubber meets the road is we have to want to change. This is true for anyone who comes to counseling. If the person does not have true remorse and a true desire to change then THEY WILL NOT CHANGE, no matter who’s program they go to.
In the end I just want to add that there are many men and their families who have been benefited from these programs. I’m sorry that many of you have not experienced that and went through continual pain from your abuser.
Like I said earlier, I can’t defend Doug Weiss or any of these guys for some of the things they say or do. I’m not looking for sympathy but I am hurt by the recent news. But I hang on to the truth and the evidence, not a person.
I hope this rambling mess made sense. Again my intention is to come in peace and just share some thoughts to add to the discussion. Thank you.
And yet you post your comment several days after Tracy’s post.