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UBT: Cheater Wants to Get Back Together With Ex-Wife After 20 Years

Universal Bullshit Translator
The Universal Bullshit Translator

Well, Dear Amy whiffed it this week with her reply to a cheater who was considering leaving his Schmoopie for his ex-wife — after 20 years. And his ex’s remarriage.

Amy thought that might be romantic.

The Universal Bullshit Translator thought Amy should have her sprockets checked.

This is what Cakey Von Cakestein sent Amy:

I’m a 71-year-old man. Twenty years ago, I was married, had an affair and left my marriage. I am still with “the other woman,” but not married. My relationship with my ex is very good, and we speak often.

At the time of this affair, we had four children, ranging in age from 13 to 20. They are all grown now with families of their own, and after several tough years, they all understand and are good with everything. My ex hooked up with a guy she went to junior high school with before I even moved out of the house — she eventually married him. I understood why she did all that.

The thing is, my ex and I now realize that we had the best times together. The people we are with now have been good for us. We’re both more stable and financially secure than we would be if we’d stayed together.
We obviously can’t get a do-over, but it’s also no fun this way. Neither of our mates would appreciate our getting together for some fun times. Have you ever heard of such a thing — and what advice, if any, can you give?

— Want to Escape

We really have no idea if this delusion is mutual. For all we know “speaks often” means he asks if he could have the old air conditioning filters in the basement back. “Very good” could mean “doesn’t openly revile me.” And “we had the best times” is probably nostalgia for cake.

I just really hope some idiot out there — some married idiot — isn’t longing for her cheating ex. Consider me skeptical. My random survey sample of a few bazillion people who’ve left cheaters is she’s not.

But, let’s see what the UBT has to say.

I’m a 71-year-old man.

Errant ear hair. Saggy balls. Droopy boxers. The total package.

Twenty years ago, I was married, had an affair and left my marriage.

Twenty years ago, my wife divorced me.

I am still with “the other woman,” but not married.

Next year, Clover, next year we can do that Vegas chapel wedding. Meanwhile, here’s a cheap ankle bracelet as a token of our abiding commitment.  

It’s been a very long pick-me dance.

My relationship with my ex is very good, and we speak often.

I constantly violate her boundaries with unwanted contact. Yet, she hasn’t called the authorities. #verygood

At the time of this affair, we had four children, ranging in age from 13 to 20.

They were too involved with adolescence and young adulthood to be bothered by me annihilating the family with my wandering dick.

They are all grown now with families of their own, and after several tough years, they all understand and are good with everything.

I see my grandchildren sometimes! On Facebook. #allgood

My ex hooked up with a guy she went to junior high school with before I even moved out of the house — she eventually married him.

When is this 20-year-long married hook up going to end? Babe, I’m still single!

And the NERVE of her, moving on before I’d left the house. The house where I’d been cheating on her. The house I wouldn’t leave. My wife appliance warranty hadn’t expired!

I understood why she did all that.

I have no idea why I’m not still central.

The thing is, my ex and I now realize that we had the best times together.

The thing is, I miss cake. Her unknowing chumpdom. Clover, lurking in the bushes, ready to pounce as soon as I flashed the vertical blinds. Coast is clear!

Now I realize that ankle bracelet won’t hold Schmoops forever. I need a wife appliance.

The people we are with now have been good for us. We’re both more stable and financially secure than we would be if we’d stayed together.

Time for a backup plan. Clover will only pay my bills for so long. My ex seems financially stable. Hmm.

We obviously can’t get a do-over, but it’s also no fun this way.

It’s no fun being with the same fuckbuddy for 20 years, my one heart’s desire, the jelly to my toast, the one Twu Wuv who was worth destroying my family over.

You know what would rehabilitate my image, and my wallet? A do-over. #daddysback

Neither of our mates would appreciate our getting together for some fun times.

Because that’s me — caring about chump feelings. Would you appreciate me fucking your wife? No? Okay then.

Have you ever heard of such a thing — and what advice, if any, can you give?

— Want to Escape

Have you ever waded hip-deep in a flask of flaccid flamingos? Do hiccups canoodle on your porch? Dither pants then. What magic, if any, can you amortize?

I’m sorry. The UBT has irretrievably broken down. I’ll have to step in.

CL here. Have I ever heard of hoovering? Oh sure. Kibble production is down, new sources must be secured. And the best new source is an old source!

My advice: Check your inbox. I’m sure there are many offers from Nigerian princes and misunderstood hot young ladies in foreign countries who need a handsome investor like you. Send all of Clover’s money. (Don’t tell Clover, just do it! I’m sure she’ll appreciate your discretion, just like your former wife did.)

Next, plan that escape! Hop on a plane for Thailand and meet your 90-day fiancee! You don’t want ex-wife 70-year-old snatch. You want FRESH snatch! Clover’s money should go far when you think of the exchange rate. Hock that ankle bracelet.

Wishing you permanent erectile dysfunction all the best.


Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at Read more about submission guidelines.
  • Sincerest wishes for UBT to get well soon. That was a lot of delusional shit to eat for breakfast, poor guy.

    Did I miss the Valentine’s Day poetry winners?

  • Did Dear Amy reply? I’d love to see that. And if necessary the UBT snacks.

    The freaking nerve of this guy. ‘Getting together for some fun times.’ I sure hope his chumped ex knows what’s up.

    And thanks to junior high bf now 2nd husband for swooping in to step parent.

    • His sign-off says it all — “Want to Escape.” He doesn’t even want to get back together with ex-wife. He wants to “get together for fun times” because his current set-up is “no fun.”
      Always amazed that people like this exist. His poor kids.

      • To the newly chumped among us: proof they NEVER change. They won’t be “better” for the APs, and APs are delusional to believe it!

        • It’s also great when the AP and the cheater are both narcissistic fuckwits, like mine. Pathetic assholes don’t realize the true shittiness of the other partner. Or if they do? Even worse! They’d then know they traded down for lust and/or greed. Oh, I’m sorry. I meant “twu wuv.” Gag me.🤢🤮

          • My abusive ex ended up with an abusive schmoopie and got to experience a taste of his own medicine. I can’t say I felt bad for him. The he got uncerimoniously dumped and ended up alone. He bet on the wrong horse and lost. Whoops. Unlike me, who climbed out of the devastation and recovered, he couldn’t survive alone and took his own life. Not even wanting to see his son grow up was enough to make him self-examine and try to repair the damage he’d caused. You reap what you sow, I suppose.

    • Every once in a while, prayers DO get answered!

      I had read the original submission* (02/17/2023), and I thought to myself: I wonder how the Chump Lady would reply to this one?

      And now I see that our CL did reply, and in her outstanding-as-ever way. (I just love CL and her UBTs.) (FWIW: Ask Amy’s response was OK, but no one is in the same league as the Chump Lady. Not by a long shot.)

      *(It will pop up if you google “Dear Amy: I’m a 71-year-old man.” )

  • Oh come on!

    Could this guy be anymore pathetically desperate for centrality?

    He reminds me of this cheater lawyer I knew, whose son I dated when I was 19. He had blown up the while family of 5 kids and his wife had moved very far on by that point.

    One night he dropped his son and I off, talking about the myriad of women he was dating. He asks his son “which one should I choose? There’s this one, or this other one I met, or regular schmoopie (who he hired to work in his office after) or your mother?” WTF.

    So his son is just so uncomfortable. So what does cheater lawyer do? He asks me, his son’s date. I, being 19 and lacking a clue, says “the one thats best in bed.” And he’s shocked by the response.

    Of course he didn’t like me very much either, I was fat. He let me know it. Then when he found out his son is gay, he saw me at the grocery store and requested I go out with his son again and date him (his Hail Mary I guess). I shook my head and said “Jon’s gay.” And he said to me “he wasn’t when he was with you.” I told him “I don’t know we never tried anything. I think he always was.” He looked absolutely crushed. And Jon had been out for awhile by then. I mean, he had rainbow nail polish in the early 2000s.

    Man, you couldn’t buy that guy a clue.

    • Growing up, I remember a few creepy divorced dads of childhood pals. The three I saw developed this bizarre swagger after divorce as if they assumed they were sought after by young girls based on very thin evidence– say, because a destitute teenage Walmart greeter once eyed their wallets or some struggling undergrad banged them for a better grade. I felt so bad for my friends as if one of their parents had cracked up and was wandering the streets singing hymns with a shopping cart and no pants.

  • This is another ‘bwahahahaha’ post. Seriously? Yes the entire world revolves around you. She’ll JUMP at the possibility….

  • I dont condone cheating, intimate betrayal is some of the worst pain someone can inflict on another. That said, my 70+ yo aunt and uncle rekindled their relationship after 30+ years apart, granted there were no significant others anymore so no cheating, no kibbles, no centrality issues. They had history and children together, it was kind of cute to see them together again after so long and they died relatively close in their 80s. My uncle and his bro, my dad, were not nice people when drinking, had a hard life growing up in an orphanage and drafted into wars early. Uncle was WWII and Dad was Korean War, never talked about it but both drank heavily except during Lent and both got divorced. Surprisingly my mom remarried my dad after 5 years apart, I’m guessing my sister and I were a factor. I also know my older bro moved out because of the remarriage and I watched my dad like a hawk, often spoke my mind too which got me punished on occasion. Fast forward my bro and younger sis are cheaters, I am the chump. I’d love to say environment plays a stronger role in behavior over genetics but my siblings and I are all adopted from other families. We dont know our biofamilies at all (I only recently did the dna testing and had a biofamily contact me), but there is a strong possibility each of us are the products of intimate inappropriate behaviors. My cousin, the dtr of the cheating uncle, is still married to her cheater (RIC) and has grown dtrs married with hoards of babies, quite beautiful actually but I sit and wait knowing the statistics for divorced rates are against them.

    • Your aunt and uncle have nothing to do with this LW. He isn’t single and looking for a second chance with someone who is also single, he’s bored and looking to spice up his life by cheating again. He doesn’t even say he made a mistake and wants to try again with his ex, he just wants to “have some fun” with her behind his wife’s back.

  • Guess Clover doesn’t serve cake that tastes that great. It is really still all about him and his need for cake. Hopefully his ex doesn’t agree with his deluded thinking. He is and always will be a cheater. He blew up his marriage before and cannot be trusted. This is not the person I would want in my later years.
    I hope the UBT recovers soon. This was a lot to take even for such a powerful machine.

  • It sounds to me like the cheater has learned nothing. And even if it seemed like he had, I’d be steering clear of him forever more.

    If everything and everybody is so All Good, why is he writing to an advice columnist? Seems like there are some holes in the story. Surprise surprise.

    In my own experience, the boyfriend I had as a senior in high school cheated on me. He actually tracked me down, EIGHT YEARS LATER, wanting to get back together, citing “all the good times we had.” Whaddaya know, he was getting divorced. I wrote him back telling him to never contact me ever again.

    They actually do these kinds of things, which only prove to me how disordered they are and how they are complete and total dunces about relationships.

    • It’s shocking to me how many asshole exes have tried crawling back, YEARS after they blew up our relationship with abuse and deceit.

      You know what they say… if you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, it wasn’t meant to be. If they do, nobody else wanted them either!

      • As the saying goes, for you it was a traumatic event, for them it was Thursday. They don’t remember (and don’t want to remember) the bad times. They’re just bored and lonely, they reminisce about old relationships, and they think “hey, I wonder what Cam is up to these days?” The idea that you might have moved on and don’t like them much does not cross their minds, because they are not good at thinking about (much less caring about) other people’s feelings.

      • After OW left FW, he started putting out feelers to me. Calling me looking for sympathy. Inviting me to join him and our child for dinner or outings. We weren’t officially divorced even (it had been about 4 years since D-day). But by that time I had thoroughly decided that I wanted nothing to do with him. I think he was genuinely surprised that I declined every offer he made to hang out together. I guess he forgot all the scary abuse he heaped on me, all the threats, all the lies, and expected me to keep waiting for him to come back. Had he lived, I have no doubt he would have kept trying. He couldn’t be alone, and he was struggling financially while I was getting my life together and doing well. He was so angry about that, and angry that I wouldn’t help him out.

    • Cheaters and side pieces as relationship partners are LEMONS. I would not buy a vehicle or an appliance or ANYTHING that I knew to be a lemon. I wouldn’t go see a movie or eat at a restaurant that was trounced by the critics. I would not hire a bookkeeper or a financial planner with a history of embezzling. I would not rent to someone with a history of trashing rental property. I would not hire someone to work for my company who had terrible references. The same people who put so much energy into leaving and listening to Yelp reviews for inconsequential minutiae have no problem cheating, getting involved with people in committed relationships, or defending/minimizing cheating. It beggars belief.

      What on earth accounts for dismissing and disregarding deceptive (aka abusive) behavior in relationships I will never understand.

      I’ve said this here before. In my Amazon chump phase, when I bought ten thousand million books on infidelity, the ONE USEFUL SENTENCE came from Shirley Glass’s book, Just Friends. It’s in the chapter TO THE AFFAIR PARTNER, of all places.

      “A man [person] with a history of infidelity is a poor choice for a life partner.”

      I agree, and IMHO that goes for everyone who participates in illicit relationships.

      So why should I buy your book, Shirley? Why did you stay with your husband, Shirley?

      I will say that one sentence summed it all up for me, so thanks for that, Shirley.

      • …..and his pen name, Want To Escape, is also a succinct description of what cheaters and cheating is all about IMHO.

        I’ve found that living somewhere is very different than vacationing there, and that vacation feeling is not sustainable. If you vacation somewhere long enough, it turns into living there. IMHO cheaters are escapists, and it’s an unsustainable high that requires fresh game players.

        Escaping is not how I want to live, or love. I want to create and live a life I want to run to, not run away from.
        Geographics, swapping out places or people or things in response to my inner restless and discontent, doesn’t work. No shocker that as a person who looks inward, my marriage (mirage) to an escapist who blames and points fingers and uses geographics would not last. He moved in with the “sole mate” he met on Craigslist and is cheating on her with hookup apps and massage parlors.

        I take commitments seriously and would prefer to be involved with people who do the same. If someone is cheating they have just announced in no uncertain terms how seriously they take commitments.

        • I think that’s why affairs that turn into “relationships” often don’t last. When FW and schmoopie moved in together, and tried to live real life rather than just having a fun affair, their relationship completely imploded. It’s a very different thing to have weekend roadtrips and clandestine after work hookups than it is to face bills, and dishes, and taking care of the kids every day. They couldn’t hack it, their lovey dovey facades crumbled, and they reverted into being the selfish, abusive people they are. FW said he needed to “start over” fresh because “too much has happened between us”. I tried to tell him that he would take himself with him into the new relationship and that changing partners didn’t erase what he had done to me. He didn’t listen. He fucked around and found out. The new love wasn’t any better than the old, and nothing really changed for him. He was still miserable and broke.

  • The way that guy writes (“hooked up with”; “best times”; “no fun”) had me thinking of the drunk uncle in “Lost Worlds,” a chapter in Lynda Barry’s “100 Demons,” who “would wander over and try to get in on the [children’s kickball] game,” making a fool of himself calling out “Throw it to tha’ swinger, kids! Looget me!”

    Hard to believe his ex-wife takes as loose a perspective or so rosy a view as this hoser does.

  • The language used is telling and victim-blamey. For his actions, forthrighness: I had an affair and I left the marriage. For the ex, qualitative: She got together with some guy from junior high before I had even left the house.

    Sounds like a great guy.

    • My ex lies to anyone who will listen and says that I had a boyfriend while we still lived together !

      A complete lie. Liars lie. Cheaters are liars.

      • In my experience, the men all have wives who have cheated on them before. Hell, they’re cheating now! Poor them, sticking around and putting up with it.

        The schmoopies all have abusive husbands and need a strong man (aka someone else’s husband) to swoop in and save them from these awful men.

        It’s all so f’ing cliche.

  • Now I realize that ankle bracelet won’t hold Schmoops forever. I need a wife appliance.

    The Limited is the one with the ankle bracelet and forced to wear a wedding band despite being single. As if it matters.

    What’s up with the hoovering of an old source? Better yet what don’t we miss?

    A crooked 2 inch inflatable? Nope
    Wetting the bed? Nope.
    Complaining about everything? Nope.
    Financing and planning vacations? Nope.
    Putting up with a man child? Nope
    Always looking at young girls like a pervert? Nope.
    Being put down for reading a book? Nope.

    Meh is a beautiful thing. Being single is bliss.

    • “What’s up with the hoovering of an old source?”

      I know, it’s just mind boggling. I’ve now been divorced four years, and have had no contact with the fuckwit since Dday, *6* years ago. He’s blocked everywhere.

      Last February I got a call from a man asking me if I was happy with my booking, and please contact him to let him know if I was happy with it, etc etc. I said I didn’t know what he was talking about, I hadn’t booked anything, and how did he get my number ? Oh, he said, Mr Fuckwit gave me this number !

      I suppose he was hoping I’d break NC to ask him what he was playing at. Or he just wanted to fuck with me. Such an arsehole.🙄🤣

      That gif ! 🤣😱🤮🤣 I haven’t been able to stop superimposing fuckwit’s face on it.🤮🤣

      Joking aside, as others have noted, that nauseating letter shows that they *never* change. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

      • ‘That gif! I haven’t been able to stop superimposing fuckwit’s face on it’


        #metoo Chumpnomore6

    • What’s up with the hoovering of an old source?

      Pure laziness. It also shows the level of their entitled thinking, that they think this is something the ex would entertain and the dismissive language ‘hooked up’ he uses to minimise his exes second marriage in the same way, as if that relationship were lazy and second rate because she couldn’t get his splendiferousness.

      • Stig – I read something about narcs, in their hearts, really just having a deep and longing desire to annoy people. When you think back to being a kid, there were always those classmates that were just really fucking annoying. Unfortunately for some of us we married them.

    • I just wanted to put this out in the cyber ethos that my FW also wet the bed a couple of times. I certainly do not miss being woken up from a deep sleep in the early morning to be told he wet the bed and doesn’t know what to do. Nothing quite like the stench of grown man, who doesn’t drink enough water, urine at 3am.

  • This sounds more like delusional monkey branching. This FW isn’t capable of supporting himself (or living with himself). The relationship with Clover has probably already imploded. Hope the first wife and now grown children have developed some strong boundaries. I’m still suspicious about the wife’s second relationship starting before FX moved out. Smells like 20-year-old blame shifting.

    • Who knows. I wasn’t raised in a religious family so I tend to think chumps– technically speaking– have zero obligations to FW partners once any cheating is discovered. But there’s a big catch that makes any chump rationale moot. The concern for me is that I wouldn’t want to get involved with the type of person who’d pursue a married target before the ink was dry on the latter’s divorce papers. I wouldn’t let someone like that near my kids. Chances are they’re just another FW or something worse.

      I’m watching the ten year old series The Good Wife as a distraction on the treadmill at the gym and, while I wouldn’t fault the protagonist for having wandering sentiments after her husband character is caught in a hooker scandal, I just don’t buy that the object of her emotional workplace affair would be a good bet. In order to somehow legitimize adultery, all these cheating-themed shows have to create amalgamated Frankenstein characters like the “mate-poacher with a soul” that never exist in real life. Shonda Rimes’ productions are the worst in that sense. The Good Wife does a good job of depicting cheating as devastating and as a reflection of intrinsic lack of character and the emotionally incestuous mother in law hits a realistic note. But the show muffs it when it comes to the mate-poaching lawyer by trying to justify him on the basis of long-standing “twu wuv.” Bad human math.

      • HOAC “wasn’t raised in a religious family so I tend to think chumps– technically speaking– have zero obligations to FW partners once any cheating is discovered.”

        This caused me to ponder:

        I was raised in a very religious family and community and I, too, believe chumps have zero obligations.

        Ever since I realized the extent of his abuse, lies, and self-delusion, the gloves were off. Lie, cheat, steal, anything to keep me and my children safe.

        Incidentally, it’s not about getting revenge or trying to ruin him. It’s about going to great lengths to protect ourselves.

        Jesus said, “Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you”. I’m not certain what He meant exactly but I do know He doesn’t want any of His precious children (meaning us, even though we are adults) to be abused.

        This is so contrary to the teachings of most Christian circles. I thank God that my pastor did not spout the usual B.S. about staying with your husband, forgiving, etc. In fact, he gave me the aforementioned advice.

        Lately I’ve been daydreaming about writing a book for women who are misguided by religious authorities and the RIC to “forgive as the LORD forgave you.”

        This particular chapter would be called “Pray, But Don’t Stay”.

        I don’t forgive FW. “Forgive and forget” keeps me vulnerable to falling back into a captor bonding situation.
        In other words, I might get drawn back into a relationship with him if I let my guard down for even a minute.

        I don’t pray for him, either. (See reason stated above). I don’t have time or energy for that. There are plenty other people out there that can pray for his sorry ass. I won’t be drawn in to all that. Boundaries.

  • Here’s her response:

    “Dear Escape: To recap the plot of this wonderful ear-worm, two former lovers who have moved on to other relationships realize afterward that they both love pina coladas and walking in the rain.

    “In short, this song is about reconnecting with a previous love.

    “The cynic in me says that this is something you should have realized before you had an affair and blew up your marriage. I also believe that fun and joy are qualities you can try to bring to your current long-term relationships.

    “The romantic in me says that you and your ex obviously believe that you are on a path leading to fun and passion. Given that you are both entering your elder years, you might see this as a last chance at revisiting your youth and you might see this as a last chance at revisiting your youth and repairing some of the mistakes you made.

    “Yes, divorced couples do sometimes reconcile after many years apart. And a percentage of those couples (an estimated 30 percent) break up again.

    “If you choose this particular “walk in the rain,” I suggest you make this choice with much more care and compassion toward your current partner than you showed the last time.”

    Amy clearly misremembers the Pina Colada son, “Escape.” The singer is in bed with his “lady,” reads a personals ad, replies, then when they meet up, the singer discovers the LW is his own partner, they laugh, and share their sudden discoveries that each likes pina coladas, walks in the rain, etc. And, apparently, cheating.

    Amy, cheating on your affair partner with you ex-spouse is NOT “a last chance at revisiting your youth and repairing some of the mistakes you made.” It’s not romantic, it’s repeating the same mistakes. Especially when LW says he wants the fun times–sex—but doesn’t mention wanting a relationship beyond that.

    • Yes! I thought the same thing when Amy described the song. She got it all wrong! Thank you for posting this, Goodfriend.

  • I’m wondering if this guy is using “times” as a euphemism for sex. Saying he and his ex “had the best times together” and that their current spouses wouldn’t appreciate them “getting together for some fun times.”

    It’s possible his ex-wife is on board and that they speak often of all the great sex they used to have and how their current spouses don’t measure up.

    So if they want to blow up their stable, financially secure lives in their 70s, thinking the sex will be the same as it was 20 years ago, they should definitely go for it. #totallyworthit

    Disclaimer: I’m being sarcastic.

  • Let me guess, either he or Clover are having health problems and he would like to 1) abandon her in her time of need or 2) have a more responsible party take care of him.

    • Nailed it.

      Having self serving folks like this realize, in their older age and/or poor health, that they have no one truly loving or supportive in their lives due to their own conduct is the closest thing to justice their ex partners and children will get for all of the years of abuse and neglect.

      • Unfortunately, it has been my observation that older men, fuckwits or upright, are usually able to find a caretaker for a late-life wife.

    • I wrote to Dear Amy once when I was nervous about my husband’s odd behaviour (he would no longer go to marriage counselling to discuss it). Amy reassured me that my husband “loves you” and to give him space but let him know I was there for him. Bahaha! Well, Amy was dead wrong on that & that’s why I am here! I might as well have gone to a fortune teller lol

      • Amy comes from that place of ‘Midwestern nice’ where you are supposed to forgive people as soon as they’re sorry and give second (and third, and fourth) chances to anyone who isn’t an open sociopath. It also helps to keep in mind that she’s married to some far-right guy “but I love him”, so she’s fixated on the idea that we should all just be loving and respect the differences of friends and family members no matter what.

    • That is exactly what I thought when I read this!

      My former Monster In Laws are having health problems now. Every time I hear about them, I think “I bet they wish they still had their NP DIL.” The whole dysfunctional bunch are so not my problem now.

  • WHAT is that GIF I can’t unsee?!!

    Are you OK, CL? That’s major stress, dealing with what broke the UBT. 🙂

  • “They are all grown now with families of their own, and after several tough years, they all understand and are good with everything.”
    In other words, I blew up their lives, but eventually was able to make THEM understand ME. Right.

  • This moron’s correspondence is an example of what most who think the grass is greener experience in the long run. The grass is only green because it’s planted in bullshit

    • Absolutely. And I loved how the moniker “Clover” managed to simultaneously call up “the grass is always greener” and “a roll in the hay.”

  • FW just sounds like a delusional idiot. He thinks he’s being romantic by cheating on his wife and leaving her… then 20 years later dumping his AP current wife to get back with his ex wife? It sounds so stupid even as I write it.

    I want to hear the perspective of his chump ex wife. I’m guessing she’s not aware of this letter and would tell him to fuck off. Part of me hopes she’s leading him on so he blows up his life, while she stays with her current husband — but nah. Hopefully she has gone no contact and FW is just a delusional twit.

  • That’s his fear creeping in. Aging sleazebag is possibly developing health issues and is aware that schmoops, who’s as shallow and selfish as him, won’t be interested in his doctor’s appointments or wiping his ass, so he figures his former spouse/victim is his best bet for a final round of man-child caretaking.

  • He was a dirty old man 20 yrs ago. He’s just older and dirtier now. So pathetic. Can’t believe his ex wife would fall for his idiocy. I’m thinking this is his one-sided fantasy. Notice money is still a consideration in his moves.

    My ex ran off with a classmate dot com tramp who wasn’t his gf in hs, but was a trampy back then as well. All the guys liked her. Most likely she never gave him the time of day. But they met up 30 yrs later and oh he really thought he was the stud muffin of yore. They recently broke up. Our bridges have been burned but I wouldn’t be surprised if he started calling. Not for good times but for money. I’ve got his number.

  • I can’t even untangle the skein of this guy … is he asking permission to cheat on schmoopie, to whom he is committed but apparently not quite totally married? Is he asking permission to make a chump of his ex-wife’s new husband? What does he mean by both being more stable and financially secure? Is he suggesting that his ex-wife should cheat on her husband but not divorce because the new husband is wealthy or something?

    I will never, ever unpack the mind of a FW.

  • Just from his short letter I can tell he’s a perverted degenerate serial cheater. He says, “we realize that we had the best times together” but he’s only talking about fucking. Because he goes on to say “Neither of our mates would appreciate our getting together for some fun times.”

    The only “best times” he’s referring to are fucking, that’s why his solution is an affair with his ex wife. He does not want her back, he only wants to fuck her. He’s a 71 year old degenerate pervert. EW! No wonder he’s bothering his ex wife and trying to blow smoke up her arse about the good times they had. No one else is going to want him now. He can’t pick up women at the bar anymore. Disgusting.

  • The “ick” factor is high in this post. The gif solidified it. And this post comes the morning after I remembered this very bad, very vivid dream of XH entering my home and changing the floors without my permission and starting to cook both lunch and dinner (stinky raw fish on the counter) and it all being left half done. Talk about trying to Hoover!

    Hope the UBT has a better day ahead!

  • Cheaters don’t change!!! Entitled to the core.

    Oh how I wish we could hear the straight poop from:
    -his ex wife (and her husband)
    -his current partner
    -his kids

    p.s. THAT GIF!!! OMG. My eyes!!

  • Wants to Escape is dumb as a stump, but his ex is a genius. Lead the old guy on, let him crash his life, and then dump him again. It reminds me of the chump who had her husband dump Shmoopie publicly, then had him served with divorce papers the next day.

  • Cheaters are delusional and I don’t trust the words of one who’s still harassing his ex 20 YEARS LATER, my god.

    Allow me to translate from Fuckwit to English:

    “My relationship with my ex is very good, and we speak often.”


    “My ex acknowledges me at weddings and funerals. She also replies to my annoying emails telling me she’s getting a restraining order, but that counts as contact, right? She’s still mad for me, I tell you.”

    • I’m glad to read Amy’s reply and see that I’m my mind anyway she subtly telling him that his hopes for rekindling the romance are based on regrets and wishes for do-overs tgat are common at his time of life. I guess, not knowing from the letter whether he’s delusional or whether his wife is actually a party to this she is hedging, but there’s certainly no fool like and old, entitled fool.

  • More proof that they don’t change (as if we need more evidence). For those that doubt it, please don’t. They will always want their cake and eat it too. Asshat used to intentionally tease me all the time that the correct phrase is “have it too”. Well now he truly does HAVE his Schmoopie Cake, all day every day.

    Trust that they suck.

  • This guy must think he is one charming MF to get his former wife back after 20 years and all the harm he did. Good luck bro, you’re gonna need it

  • This was a gift. I am embracing the concept of “trust they suck”, but I still occasionally have some weak moments where I “worry” that he will go on to be a decent and loyal partner to the AP. (I know it doesn’t matter even if he DID. *I* can’t stay, he was not a decent and loyal partner to me. And I trust that meh will arrive eventually and I simply won’t care what he is up to as long as he remains up to it the hell away from ME)

    It took my STBX 20 years to cheat and blow up our marriage. (well, that I know of) In any case, he has found twu wuv and is going to live happily ever after with AP. If he cheated previously which I now realize is highly likely, it was never a case where he wanted to tell me and leave.

    Anyway, he’s nearly 50, and it has often really bothered me that I won’t get the satisfaction of seeing him cheat on AP because they could also have 20 good years before he is ready to stray again, and by then he will be pushing 70 and I assumed, surely he will be done with indulging his wandering magic dong by 70? And then I saw today’s post. And I’ll tell ya, it really made me laugh. I could absolutely see him writing this letter. THEY DO NOT CHANGE!!!

    • I was married for 25 years and there was an early affair before Asshat ran off with now 55 year old never married co-worker. Asshat has reached back to his first mistress (hoovers are crazy) while portraying “happily” married with a big fat white wedding to prove it. First mistress even commented on photos of my daughter on Instagram.


    • Sort Of, he has not gone on to be a decent and loyal partner to the AP. He has never been decent or loyal to any AP as he was in a committed relationship with you when he got together with her/ them.

      “Decent and loyal” would require that he begin a relationship from a place of integrity; an honest single available individual.

      Illicit relationships don’t meet those requirements.

      If someone raped me (and cheating is soul rape) and never raped anyone ever again, their violation of me would still be a valid part of their rap sheet. That they never did it again would not erase it or minimize it or make it less heinous.

      And I still wouldn’t ever trust him ever again no matter how he treated someone else.

  • OK, so here’s what happened. He was having an affair and having the time of his life. He was interested in having a relationship with OW but his wife was supposed to stay right there in that house and behave herself. Instead she went out and found her old high school boyfriend and had him going before that Cheater even got his clothes packed. So now he had no choice. He had to live with OW. So for 20 years, he’s had to put a smile on his face and say that he was very happy with the way things turned but secretly ticked off because, sniff, sniff, he did not get his way. He is ticked off because he did not have what he thought he was going to have….a woman at home crying and sobbing and waiting for him to come back through the door and Schmoops available any time he wanted to have Secret sex. I would love for someone to ask him how that’s working for him.

    • That’s right, Letgo. Plus he needs a caregiver now that he’s in his dotage. Chumps make great caregivers. AP’s, not so much.

    • This is exactly what happened.
      “before I even moved out of the house” means that he WOULDN’T leave. She gained a life (oops, sorry, “hooked up” — !??!) without even bothering to ask him if she could! How dare she!

  • The truth is I got along better with my Ex after we divorced, because we focused on the children, and he wasn’t my spouse anymore. I didn’t really care what he did or who he was with, unless it somehow was bad for my children. No one who knew me ever thought we should “try again.”

    I had fantasy thoughts about old boyfriends when I was younger. I had to learn there were many good reasons we had broken up. I think when one relationship goes, your mind wanders to the good times of another relationship to reassure yourself that you are desirable and know how to have fun. If you just remember that you are fun because of who you are, and not because of the old attraction, I think it is harmless. Just remember to move forward. Don’t take one step forward and two steps back. The “good ole days” were not really as good as you remember, or think they were.

    When I was married, I found we argued about the same things, over and over, because the issues were never resolved. Promises made were broken again. When people decide to just quit talking about it, without true resolution, that is exhaustion kicking in.

    Now that my ex is dead, I find it easier to go with the positives when my sons bring up an old time that was good for them. I realized long ago that there were very few times that were actually good for me in that relationship. I spackled to survive. I realized after our divorce that he never really cared for any of the many OW’s either. They were just escapes from reality. None of them ever lasted long. He finally did remarry, because he was old and sick and needed a nurse. She needed US citizenship. I’m fairly sure there were few good times rolling through that relationship either, but she only had to last a few years until he died. I think there are many dysfunctional people out in the world who always seek happiness and never find it.

    As for me, I think about how happy or content I am often. I remember the bad ole days, and I am so glad I left a cheater and gained a life. Even though my main companion is a cat, she does not snore, and is a good cuddle in bed. No one tells me what I can and cannot do or makes negative comments to start my day. The peace is wonderful. I feel lucky to have two wonderful sons as a result of my marriage to their dad, and lucky that we were able to divorce while I was still young enough to enjoy what was left of my life. I made a few more mistakes along the way, but I self- corrected my course quickly. If the ex ever had delusions of a reunion, he kept them to himself. I never cared what happened to the parade of former OW’s, or the sad choices he made after we divorced. They were all old enough to know better, and if not, they learned a hard lesson they needed to know.

  • 🤣 That was delicious!

    Typical FW. He’s old now. Selfish schmoopies don’t make good caregivers. So he casts his eyes in his former appliance, hoping to suck her into changing his Huggies with; “I realize now I had the best times with you.” What- it took him 20 years to figure that out? Bullshit. I hope she doesn’t fall for it.

  • I read the letter in the Ask Amy column last Friday and wondered if someone would send it to CL so she could pick it apart. I’m glad it went through the UBT because when I read “Want to Escape”‘s letter the first time, I saw his ex-wife through his eyes – a willing partner in crime, probably still something of a “pick me” dancer, feeling like the bloom was off the rose of her twenty-year marriage, so why not go back to the ex-husband, where what’s old is new again, and get back at Schmoopie as a bonus? Oh, the wisdom of CL and her UBT – it was SUCH a good reminder that cheaters are NOT reliable narrators!

    The statement that turned my stomach the most was “[Our four children] are all grown now with families of their own, and after several tough years, they all understand and are good with everything.” It reeks of a “you want your dear old dad to be happy, don’t you?” sense of entitlement, and I was sure he was lying to himself about how his kids really felt. I’m a little ashamed that I didn’t smell the same lies and self-delusions in what “Escape” wrote about his ex-wife.

    • Even though I read this the first thing in the morning today, it did not occur to me until this afternoon, that this is exactly what my parents did, though they were only in their 40’s. I do not know who initiated it, but evidently FW old man and chump Mom rekindled a long distance thing 20 years after their divorce when the old man moved in with my brother. I only heard about it from my step dad 5+ years after the fact. Mom used my college graduation as cover to travel and to hook up with the old man. I was oblivious to what was going on at the time, but I also was not around much since she dumped my younger half-brother on me to watch so that he did not report the goings on to my step dad. The collision of illusion and reality opened her eyes pretty quickly that the old man was still a drunk loser.

      In the end, her cheating destroyed her family. Step dad and Mom rug swept the cheating and turned a probably already bad relationship to a toxic one over the next twenty years. I did not realize how toxic it had become until I found myself calling her local PD to do a welfare check when Mom started sending alarming text messages to my brother and I. It turns out that step dad and half-brother were so emotionally abusive to her that she was intending to kill herself. Having the officer tell her that she was being abused snapped her out of it.

      We spent the next couple of months talking about an escape plan but I think she wanted to stay long enough to make sure that my half-brother finished his apprenticeship program and would be able to support himself. She came for a visit that Christmas, and two weeks into 2015, she died suddenly at 64. She never had a funeral because step dad had no money and would not release her body to the rest of the family after a couple of her sisters implied that he had killed her. There was a memorial service at the hospital where she worked. Her youngest son could not be bothered to show up. None of her three sons speak to each other to this day. I have not spoken to my step dad since before she died. This all started more than 25 years ago, and there are still consequences being felt to this day.

    • The phrase about the children being fine with it turned my stomach also.
      It’s classic narc speak: “I said I’m sorry so everything is fine now.”
      Those poor kids with their completely clueless father. His infidelity has change their confidence in relationships forever.

  • The beer bellied twerker is both hilarious and nauseating. For laughs, look at the satirical ad for the nut bra on YouTube.

  • CN —
    Just saw a facebook post from a man I used to know. His engagement announcement, “she said yes,” photos from the island where they vacationed, blah blah. He is gregarious, charming, always smiling, great public speaker. He was so vicious to his first wife, and a cheater of course. Now all the people who don’t know are congratulating him.

  • Do you think this variety of deluded human believes they are so desirable bikini clad hornbags will line up at the cemetery gagging for a ride on their decomposing corpse? An embarrassment to humans.

  • My ex blocked me on everything the day he left ….before I could even fathom what had just happened.
    Fast forward 5 years, and 6 weeks after we finally settled on our houses (after said 5 YEAR court battle ) my ex popped up on my FB. I’m assuming he’s now bored 5 years out and looking for fresh kibbles so thought I might be up for it … he was blocked. THEY DONT CHANGE. My sisters ex still hoovers 20 + years after their divorce, it drives her nuts.

  • Chump Lady, you nailed this one! I hope Schmoopie gets wind of this and dumps the FW. And takes her money away. And if they’re living in her house, throws him out. And empties their joint account.

    She probably won’t though.

    Man, even when I was in high school, I could see that if a man will cheat with you, he’ll cheat on you!

  • The way cheaters constantly use the word “fun” makes my skin crawl. I always imagine it said in this creepily sing-song, saccharine, giggly tone, the kind of tone people use when they’re patronizing you on a subject they’re not even right about, like your former high school bully who’s now an anti-vaxx single mom sending you laugh-cry emojis in your DMs about all the horrible “chemicals” in your food and how you need to buy from her pyramid scheme.

  • So timely for this hoovering post.
    I awoke a couple mornings ago to discover that someone at a number unknown to me called me 16 times between 2 am and 5 am, left an SMS Page, and 4 voicemails. I keep my phone on silent now that I’m no longer on call so all this went on while I slept.
    The voicemails all went something like this “Hi, I’m looking for Em. We went to Europe in the late 80’s. My phone number is ….”
    Yes, this was Steve from a bad breakup in 1988. Good for me — bad for him. There were many reasons for breaking it off and I have had no desire to get back in touch with him ever. In those 35 years, I have moved 5 times (sometimes to different states), had multiple phone numbers and here he was calling me on my cell phone.
    I wondered why he could leave a message with substance (‘my mother died and she always liked you’ or ‘I’m on step 9 in my 12 step and I need to make amends’ or ‘I want to pay back the money I owe you.’ etc etc)
    I blocked him on my cell phone, but discovered my phone still allowed him to leave voicemails and still alerted me that he had called in my call list. Had to Block and report Spam.
    I am very surprised how unsettling it is to have an abusive person attempt to re-enter one’s life after 35 years.

    • Oh my goodness, Emma- that horrifies me. Just the fact that he called 16 times is scary enough! And that he tracked you down after 40 years of silence, even if he had a legit reason.
      Even if he did, per your example, want to make amends, the middle of the night is not an appropriate time. Also I do not believe the program suggests stuffing your amends down someone else’s throat. 🙄

  • Yes, I’ve heard such story before, from my mother’s work colleague. Her husband left her because he was having an affair – with her own sister. After a few years he wanted back and she agreed because she’s a Catholic and divorce is wrong (I think they weren’t divorced and cheating is fine with religion, obviously). After a few years of being his nurse and a purse, the husband died and sister had fleeced her out of around 2 million euros (yes, you read correctly) inheritance. Then her daughters found out how generous the mother had been to the sister and didn’t leave her alone for gifting away her and their inheritance to the aunt. Then the woman died, I assume because of all the stress.
    You just can’t fix stupid.

    • Holy 💩 ! That takes being a doormat to another level.
      My favorite quote this week is “Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness.” When I realize I’m dealing with a disordered person, I limit contact, fade away or just drop them, without explanation.

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