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I Have Cancer, But the OW ‘Suffers’

mindfuckHelp Chump Lady!

I’ve made a complete and total eejit of myself this week……so ashamed…..

One and a half years ago husband starts affair. Simultaneously turns into a monster overnight. All the usual — lies, gaslighting, accusations, buying me presents, disappearing, feeling sorry for himself, refusing marriage counselling, refusing to say marriage is over blah blah and into the twilight zone for me.

One year ago I am diagnosed with cancer. He spends appointment fainting and being fanned by a nurse, the afternoon crying about how sad his life is, disappears next morning for two and a half weeks and fails to respond to texts, etc. Later I found out he was at her house. He comes back (after my scans, chemo, lost my hair etc.) and tells me repeatedly he’s not cheating on me.

Then disappears again leaving me very ill. Whereupon I discover various lies and give him an ultimatum to come back and man up or get lost. D-day. He tells me he is having affair and dumps me. I throw him out, divorce him before he knows what’s hit him, buy a flat — all during chemo, surgery, radiotherapy. He continues lying, playing mind games, never offers any help with my treatment/the divorce etc. and cries about how people aren’t as sympathetic to him as he had anticipated. Since January when I (on my own) finished all the break-up bureaucracy, I’ve been sticking to no contact. Overall it has been utter hell for a year and a half and I have been so heartbroken and grief-striken, the pain is beyond words.

The problem: This week I stumbled on emails from him to her on my computer, proving yet more lies and that he’d taken her on a dirty weekend to the same place we’d been on holiday that year way back nearly a year and a half ago. I lost the plot. It was something about seeing it in black and white. I rang her. She told me she knew all along he was married. I emailed him. His response: “Congratulations for making her suffer.” For real.

My friend said this is like Jerry Springer. I lost it even more and have spent the week crying, not eating, not able to work, and sending a range of truly deranged emails that made me look like an absolute crazy. Now I’m feeling back to square one, plus with a total loss of dignity. How do I pick up from here? Is it normal to make a prize ass of yourself in these situations? Really, I’m struggling a lot to get over this because I can’t do any of the normal things people do — I’m too sick to socialise, make new friends and finding it hard enough to keep clean, fed, and watered. I’d really appreciate some wise words from you if you have any to spare.


Dear M,

I actually don’t have any words.

Sometimes, I think I’ve read it all on my site. Cheaters who leave women pregnant with a toddler at home, poor chumps who have to check the paternity their kids, discovery of exorbitant hooker habits, parents who walk out on their children without so much as as backwards glance. And I’ve even read here of chumps being cheated on while battling cancer. But yours is the first letter I’ve read where you’re battling cancer AND D-Day AND the nightmare of divorce logistics all on your own.

I mean WOW. M, you are MIGHTY. You’re sitting there bald, puking your guts out from chemo, and you divorced the son of a bitch.

So many people stay stuck and spend years waffling, undecided. Days of ennui, staring at their half-finished copies of “Not Just Friends.” The sad self destructiveness, the inertia and indecision — and you M, you get up from your fucking DEATH BED and divorce him before he knows what hit him! Hell, you even manage a REAL ESTATE TRANSACTION. You bought a flat? M, in the months after D-Day, I couldn’t even buy a sandwich without apoplexies of self doubt.

And cancer thinks it can kick your ass? Cancer fucked with the wrong woman. You are a warrior, M! An INSPIRATION. And you’re beating yourself up again, why? Because you sent a sociopath a nasty email? Because despite incredible valor and superhuman powers of composure, you slipped up and let him see your pain?

When he accused YOU of making the OW “suffer” — that’s the kind of provocation that kills people. It’s the most obscene blameshifting. It’s the cruelest thing he could say to invalidate YOUR suffering — the one-two punch of his betrayal AND a life-threatening illness. Oh yeah, those are a cake walk compared to an unsettling phone call from the wife of your boyfriend.

This is where I don’t have words. To tell you what a disordered, cruel, fuckwit he is. The peddlers of “compassionate divorce” can bite me — is it normal to make a prize ass of yourself and lose your dignity? YES, it’s normal. YES, you’re human and you’re mad as hell and you’re not going to take it any more. You told those two cheaters how utterly loathsome they are, and you lost your cool. So what?

You didn’t napalm them, you didn’t put a bullet through their heads, you didn’t run them over with your car and then throw it in reverse. You kept your dignity and you divorced him. Alone. Without one bit of help from him. You faced the worse crisis of your life like a hero. And then one day, you discover the betrayal was worse than you knew, and you got righteously pissed off.

And your mistake — why you’re feeling like an ass — is you directed that grief and rage to someone who just doesn’t give a flip. No, worse, he takes your grief and rage (which he so deserves, which is infinitesimal compared to what he should be forced to hear), and he uses it to injure you further. You exposed your vulnerability to him, and that’s why you’re embarrassed. Your rage and hurt give him centrality and he uses that to hurt you.

This is why no contact is essential — don’t let him keep hurting you.

He is a wicked, horrible person. It’s okay to show your grief to good people who love you. But you can’t show your ex your grief. He is impervious to shame. Clearly, he feels zero shame or he would not be capable of cheating and abandoning you this way. You may as well try to shame a doorpost. He cannot feel a fraction of your pain — and attempting to reach him will drive you insane. So please stop.

He is your ex, and assuming you have no children with him, you never, ever have to speak with him again. You need to heal — on all fronts — and no contact is the best way to do that. Keep his crazy away from you! Just grieve and heal. You’ve already been totally amazing, so let’s shelf socializing, and getting out right now. We need to kick cancer’s ass, so your ex cannot have any of your precious energy.

When you need to scream at the unfairness of it all — scream. Scream to us, we get it. No one here is going to hold you up to some impossible standard of zen perfection. You’ve been through HELL. Be kind to yourself, and you can start by recognizing that you’re amazing, not an eejit or a prized ass. You’ve been waging a war of self preservation on all fronts! You don’t think Winston Churchill lost his shit some days? When the Germans were dropping bombs on London, do you think he struck a yoga pose and said, “Gee, I feel like an idiot, being so bitter about the Germans. If they would just consciously uncouple from Poland, I’m sure we could all get along for the sake of Europe. I should find my compassion! I probably contributed in some fashion to Hitler’s invasions, (I can be a pompous windbag and… I do smoke). Perhaps these bombs were sent here to teach me a spiritual lesson…”

No. This is what Winston Churchill said:

“Never give in – never, never, never, never, in nothing great or small, large or petty, never give in except to convictions of honour and good sense. Never yield to force; never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy.”

“Victory at all costs, victory in spite of all terror, victory however long and hard the road may be; for without victory there is no survival.”

You had some bumps last week on the long, hard road M — but victory is yours. Don’t lose sight of that. He’s out of your life — you achieved that, and it’s a huge achievement. You never yielded. You did not let him destroy you. Cancer did not destroy you. Keep up the good fight. We’ve got your back.


This one ran before. M I hope you’re still out there. Thanks for your patience today. Had to migrate the site.

Ask Chump Lady

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  • You made the OW suffer? GOOD. (Although I doubt you actually did – any woman who can knowingly have an affair with a married man while his wife is going through cancer doesn’t have the ability to feel shame.)

    Next time you want to write a scathing letter, do so, then burn it. It does help to get the words out. I can’t tell you how many raging missives I wrote and didn’t send. But doing so allowed me to interact with FW (during pick up and dropoff with our kid) and OW (we were coworkers, ugh) with some modicum of dignity and restraint, since I’d vented all that anger in some form. Since it doesn’t sound like you two had kids, go completely no contact. Someone like your ex is never going to see what he did wrong, or feel bad about it. He doesn’t deserve one more moment of your time, energy, or attention. Let him and OW rot.

    You have done nothing to be ashamed of. Your divorce is done, you can’t harm yourself by looking “crazy” (you’re not, btw.) You’re not a prize ass, you’re a human being who has been royally fucked over. You reacted like anyone might expect. I wish I could give you a hug. I hope things have gotten brighter for you. You are incredibly strong (I know, it’s EXHAUSTING to be strong). Wishing you health, healing, and joy.

  • I pray M is living their best life. This post is an amazing reminder of how fuckwits love to use your pain for their own ego. It’s sick.
    The ex in my situation said he was leaving me the day after our kiddo was diagnosed with autism. 4 days later he took $ from our joint account to put a down payment on a condo for himself. We sold our house under duress and I had 8 weeks to find a place to live in the middle of the pandemic. He didn’t care if I would have ended up on my a** on the street because he had twu wuv (puke!). The divorce followed and I will say the worst of it all is how he continues to tell our children that Homewrecker is their mother. Still trying to be the sane parent as he sends email assaults at least 3x/week.
    I hope to hear the obstacles you overcame while life was crashing around you.

    • “Still trying to be the sane parent as he sends email assaults at least 3x/week.” Can you get a court order to use only a parenting app like OFW or something? You don’t deserve to be assaulted like that. OFW is accessible by the courts so if he abuses you there, the court can see it, date and time stamped, etc. And if he contacts you outside the app, he’s in contempt of court.

      Kids are smart. You’re their mom and they know that. I think it’s disgusting, though, when FWs and OW do this to kids, though.

      • Is there a way you can document those email assaults and switch to a monitored app like Our Family Wizard? Or have a trusted third party read to you the important parts? Because getting to meh will be difficult if you have to be subjected to that 3x/week in addition to him trying to brainwash your children.

    • “The divorce followed and I will say the worst of it all is how he continues to tell our children that Homewrecker is their mother. ”

      I wish I could give you what little is left of MY patience. I know that this site is full of all kinds of batshit crazy/infuriating tales of all types. But this one struck a nerve with me. I am in early stages, the OW is long distance and I have no idea if she will move here once the divorce takes place. I think the FW hopes so, but until it happens, I am trying not to worry about it. I have plenty other things to worry about. But one thing that does give me so much anxiety and grief is the idea that my kid will possibly spend time with her. The idea that they could call her mom, is just WAY too much to even consider.

  • Like all fuckwits, it is not what they did that is the problem, it is how you reacted to their mean, shitty, abusive, crappy behavior.

  • I can’t stand the “things are so awful for me” crap from FWs. Infuriating how they expect pity when the people they hurt are the ones suffering.
    Found out recently about HPV and guess what, get to go start getting painful procedures done because dr thinks it may have turned to cancer. FW is moping around about how he doesn’t know how to handle it. WTF!
    They turn everything around to them. Well for starters, FW, you could go get some painful procedure done. I’ve got some ideas.

    • Oh for f*cks sake, BTAW, that stinks. I also got a parting gift from my FW. I remember yelling over the phone, “FIX THIS” but I knew it was beyond repair, the whole mirage, just turned me absolutely inside out. Painful. Please know that we are out here, virtually pulling for you every time you go to an appointment…the cloud of witnesses. Take care!

    • I hope you are able to heal quickly from hpv. I have it too. Mine was cin 3 pre cancer that became recurrent. I had 2 biopsies, a minor surgery and a hysterectomy. The process was far less painful than I expected. I was so scared because the internet makes everything sound horrific. I’ve been better with no more procedures for over 11 years. It’s really scary to go through at the time. The good news is cervical dysplasia/cancer is really slow growing. And I don’t blame you at all for wishing your FW could go through some procedures.

  • Oh my god, fainting and crying and needing attention when YOU are diagnosed with cancer! Sounds like something my horribly narcisstic ex would do. You are well rid of that jackass and you are amazing!

    • The dramatics, fainting, crying, why me, gasping for breath, looking for attention, sounds like ex. I’d expect the same behavior if I had cancer. Always had to be the center of attention. It would make me cringe.

  • Hope this poor woman managed to survive and thrive. Would love to hear an update.
    But as for Churchill and his so called ‘conviction of honour’. He was the very man who sent a murderous militia called the Black and Tans in to suppress the struggle for freedom in another country. Much admired by the British as a great wartime leader,which he was for them. Elsewhere,not so much.
    He was very much an Imperialist.

    • Most politicians of that generation would today be described as ‘imperialists’. We (Britain) stood alone against the Nazi tyranny until 1942 before the USA was up to strength. Even then many Americans did not want to help us, including their own brand of Nazis. Churchill was an extraordinary man who helped us win the war!

      • IBM and the Holocaust, by Edwin Black, is a very interesting read, and not a very well-known story.

        I also must be honest and say that I have had the experience of being helped by the WORDS of people whose character I did not care for.

        • I read Black’s War Against the Weak. One of the first comprehensive books on the Nazi T4 killing program was geneticist Benno Muller-Hill’s The Science of Evil which references the eugenics craze in the UK and especially the US. But the only book I know of that gets into the “why” of it is Tzvetan Todorov’s “Hope and Memory.” Fascinating stuff. Todorov defines totalitarianism as an existential salvation cult at the core of which is absolutist junk science (aka “scientism”) supporting some kind of Sneetch caste system. It can come in right wing or left wing flavors, be based on bastardized Mendelian genetics (Nazis), Lamarckian genetics (Stalin) or both (Franco), but the defining thing is race theory which goes back to Plato. “Race” can be defined as anything– ethnicity, religion, class, ideas, political beliefs, etc.

          If you think about it, eugenics is the perfect cult for narcissists because, if someone is trying to set themselves up as a kind of transcendent being free of taint and deserving of moral exemptions, they need “bad” castes for contrast and to create the enemy they will “save” humanity from, without which the earth will supposedly become a paradise. The promise of “paradise on earth” part is what makes it a cult– the ultimate future-faking. So it’s arguable that what eugenicists were actually ushering in when they proposed ways to enforce eugenic policies was totalitarianism. The fact that the infection really took hold in Germany makes people forget that most developed countries once caught the bug to some degree. It also makes people blind to the political ramifications whenever the “disease” crops up again in the form of modern genetic theory which often slip-slides into weaponized pseudoscience according to John Horgan at Scientific American. These days, former Axis countries seem to guard against that ideological creep more than former Allied countries, probably because the latter assume that, as the victors of WWII, we’re forever immune.

        • Velvet Hammer, well said. I love this quote and I find it incredibly inspiring. The idea that it embodies can be enjoyed and admired separate from whatever may or may not be the failings of the person who said it

      • Britain was not alone. Don’t forget the other commonwealth nations were fighting, as were the Soviets, the French and even China to some degree. Many historians say the Soviets actually had the biggest impact. They definitely suffered the most losses.

        • In my opinion Chump Lady’s use of WWII era Churchill as metaphor and source for inspirational quotes is unfortunate for many reasons not least of which is that Hitler and nazism must come into the frame. The Soviet Red Army defeated the German Wehrmacht, liberated concentration camps and then the USSR spent blood and treasure denazifying and rebuilding formerly occupied countries in Eastern Europe. The losses on the Russian side during the Great Patriotic War, as it’s called there, are indeed beyond staggering as to be almost incomprehensible as is their indomitable courage. This would be a more apt metaphor for chump stories, this one particularly, but even so I would stay away from using Just War (a thought terminating cliche masquerading as garbage political theory) to frame the chump/cheater dynamic. The lesson here is about chumps not reacting to the triggers, not sharing your feelings with cheaters and other people who have no compassion and the worthy though elusive quest for meh. Just my two kopeks.

        • OHFFS you are absolutely right, and Anne Arthur too. Quite early in the war, Poland, Belgium, and France had capitulated. The USA and Soviet Union had not yet entered the war. Yes the British empire was alone. Then the Nazis invaded the Soviet Union, Pearl Harbor was attacked, Charles de Gaulle started his radio broadcasts (maybe not in that order), and the rest is as you said, OHFFS. But we disgress. My cat, acquired despite FW dilatory activities, was always wary of FW and his booming voice. I have no proof of cat manhandling, nor infidelity. I decided to leave at first bruise (took me a year to get him out of the house). That’s when I realised FW’s behavior was unacceptable. Today I realise maybe that wasn’t a first bruise. I don’t put past FW to have mistreated the poor animal. Three years later, the cat is definitely at meh, curled on my lap. I try to emulate her nonchalant style 😻

  • Dear M,

    You are a warrior !
    And I am very sorry you had to go through all that.
    And if they suffer, well done. No shame for you but every shame for them. Don’t beat yourself on their account, they are worthless.
    You are the warrior here, you have strength.
    Think of yourself, your health, your happyness.

    In France we say “chapeau bas” for those who like you have the courage it takes to face all you had to face.

    You are a fine lady, they are nothing.

    A french chump

  • If ever it there was an example of fighting for yourself this is it M. I’m hoping you’ll update us with your mighty! The sheer neediness of a woman who knowingly inserts herself into this situation is pure evil to the core. May they both burn in hell.

  • This one makes me cry every time I read it. I so hope that M made it and is living a MIGHTY life. Never give in!

  • Critters like this need the triangle. Because triangles generate the poor me drama. Don’t feed their fire.

  • The is one of the mightiest letters I’ve ever read! What a warrior this chump is!

    Yes, the FW is fixed on his and OW’s pain. When I was a wreck, as he was leaving me (PTSD, pills, depression), he had no interest in my pain, but he would happily talk about all the trauma OW had in her life and how her childhood was a bad one and how he was her hero. It was bizarre.

    I admire this chump so much. Cancer and a FW divorce?! This is mighty!

  • Wow, M is queen. The only reason he was upset when he learned you had cancer, was he was planning to leave and he knew that leaving you so sick was going to make him look like a right asshole, so he threw a tantrum. I hope you are still here reading and can give us an update. You have a will of iron, and as Chumplady said, when you’re so mighty, there’s bound to be a slip up here and there, but who cares. They are beneath your concern.

  • M – it sounds like you might not be in the US, but if you ever find yourself in Florida (it’s a pretty place, in spite of our ignorant, ridiculous politicians), I’d like to buy you dinner. You are magnificent!

    • Word of the week for me-eegit. Remember that Chump Nation is international. Congrats to this woman on fighting cancer and getting rid of a whiny, self-centered fuckwit. And no, an other person doesn’t give two shits if the spouse of their fuck buddy is gravely ill. Disturbed individuals deserve each other.

  • Such a timely post. Thanks, CL, for making it happen in spite of technical problems. I’m really hoping M has made a full recovery and is living her best, mighty life.

    This morning I found a post showing that the OW is part of my former in-laws’ gatherings. I responded by unfriending my former SIL on Facebook. Not much of a loss.

    Also today, I found out my post-divorce walking partner is having major surgery due to cancer. So we talked about how she was feeling, and what she needed, and how her husband could contact me, and what her favorite snack was for when I came to visit her in the hospital. Because that’s how human beings are supposed to behave when someone has cancer.


  • FW’s and all abusers count on people to ‘be kind’ and to doubt themselves

  • You are mighty!!!!
    The Book Heartbroken was very good for dealing with trauma. From that I gleaned warm baths, warm beverages, warm blankets, heating pads make you feel good. Its like a warm cuddly body. The warm body sleeping next to you is gone, I need warmth. A big dog or cat is warm and a companion, someone to take care of. Animals are helpful. Meditative walking in nature. I didnt need myself but sometimes MDNA the god drug can help let go of trauma, or magic mushrooms. It changes your mind set. There are therapists who give you a guided trip. It can help trauma. Sleep, lots of sleep. Rebound relationship. If no kids in the house and person is safe, having a person to connect with and sleep with even if you dont care about them, just having a warm body. Friends, lots of friends. These things were very helpful to me.

    • Sorry, but I don’t think it’s a good idea at all to use MDMA or any kind of drug like that to get through d-day and divorce. No. An emphatic No from me. First, any kind of street drugs are HIGHLY dangerous because you don’t know whether fentanyl is mixed in. Secondly, the potential for dependence and fuzzy thinking is just too high. Chumps need to get clearer, not drugged.

      There is no such thing as a “god drug,” really.

      • Couldn’t agree with you more FYI. I don’t understand how this is happening, the use of psychotropic or psychedelic drugs to “heal” trauma. All it takes is one bad trip and one could have a psychotic break and then one is really in deep shit, as in a locked psychiatric facility. With no hope of getting out. I bet Hell of a Chump has some thoughts on this.

      • I wholeheartedly agree. One of the lesser known side-effects of MDMA (it is a rare side effect) is the permanent inability to experience pleasure. Can you imagine how awful that would be? It’s not worth any of the risks.

  • You felt bad. About a PHONE CALL.
    As the individual who was victimized and violated. To a woman who was fucking with a man who was knifing you in the back, whom she knew was married. So she was knifing you in the back too. While you were VERY sick. Which is a very valid thing to do, though it might feel mortifying afterward.

    May I point out (because chumps need a lot of pointing out by knowledgeable outside observers) that they very clearly do NOT feel bad, AT ALL, about what they intentionally and purposefully did to you, which unmitigated evil, cruel, callous, cold, and evidence that the individuals lack the hearts they profess to be following.

    Victims of cheaters do far worse. Some end up in prison. The rage of betrayal is like dynamite and nitro-glycerin combined, and cheaters are stupid to juggle with it.

    After what you have been through, they’re lucky all you did was make a phone call. A lot of people get guns, and use them. If you don’t believe me, spend some time watching the Investigation Discovery channel.

    You made a phone call? I’m giving you an A+ for handling the situation.

    Tell him “you’re welcome.”

    May your PET scans be forever clear, and
    may they get a dose, multiplied, of their own medicine.

    • She likes to fuck guys in committed relationships. He likes to fuck around on his so-called significant other.

      They both like the secret sexual double life game, and they need new players when the episode ends.

    • VH-

      “A lot of people get guns, and use them. If you don’t believe me, spend some time watching the Investigation Discovery channel.”

      YES! It’s kind of funny that we learn here that “if it feels good, don’t do it” and we try to avoid any kind of angry shenanigans of any kind. (And I agree with that concept fully, it’s hard to adhere to sometimes, but I see the wisdom of it 100%)

      But the other end of the spectrum is the Betty Broderick Story. So I would say the OP was doing just fine for making a single phone call to the woman who was sleeping with her husband while she had cancer!! I don’t condone murder, but I understand how enraging DDay and every aspect of a divorce can be. Not to mention, it frequently puts chumps in a state of mind that is very much NOT themselves. I wasn’t ever violent, but ivery much felt rage and lack of stability. You would think that would give cheaters pause. Goodness knows that enough chumps worry about situations like Lacey Peterson.

  • M, At the beginning of your story I was thinking he’s probably a “vulnerable” narcissist. By the end I was thinking he’s definitely a psychopath. They enjoy hurting others.

  • OK ok ok!!!So what happened to M?? Oh please write ✍️ a PS!! I must know!
    My story though painful did not lend itself to such a horrific ending, i praise my lawyer, my and my therapist for lighting the fire I used to work on an Oncology unit and I witnessed a man walk out on his wife to the arms of a woman who comforted him.His wife said that was his old girlfriend and she understood!!!?? NO WAY! And yes, that could have been me because my first cheater walked out of the delivery room into the arms of his waiting mistress who never could have kids. I was like the surrogate for them. My second cheater would have been fanned by nurses and wheeled to the ER if I needed him.
    Plus several OW would be waiting for him!! I know this now 9 months after filing. I would have to say to anyone hanging on to their prized skunk thinking this could NEVER happen to you. Think again. Maybe he’ll lie, but it is easy to pull off.My STBXH would have never had my back, never. I AM SO THANK FULL TO M. for the heartfelt reminder to all of us. You are the most MIGHTY woman In my world OF MIGHTY woman. Keep doing what you are doing and stay with us.
    We’ll have your back!!!

  • Like many have said here, if you look at it that the fact that all you did was pick up the phone and say a few choice words. In reality they are lucky you didn’t go round with a sawn off shot-gun.

    It really takes some front to be in their shoes and play those kind of cards when dealing with someone who’s been through what you have, it says it all really. They are scum

  • This story is why the show Snapped exists. I hope she felt more pain than the entire world. No contact is the only way. I journal my anger. The OW my ex is with also knew we were married the whole time. Knew he was struggling with depression. And swooped right in to feed him kibbles.

  • M, what a story! Like CL, I think you should applaud yourself EVERY DAY for the absolute grit you put into getting free of the FW who had treated you so viciously. If you were my friend or relative, I’d stand by in amazement, and I’d be cheering you on.

  • Wow!!! And you don’t consider yourself mighty?! Lol!!
    You are some sort of freaking superhero!!
    I cannot believe how heartless that FW was to you and his scummy whatever the hell she is. I always think I have heard it all from all the tough stories of strength on this site, but I am continually awed and inspired.( why I can’t stay away)
    And you, dear mighty M, you are truly magnificent!!!
    Thank God you dumped his ass and it sure as hell doesn’t sound like cancer would be able to survive you!
    I hope you are in a much much better place now, that the a-hole of a loser is a very distant memory.
    You got rid of three cancers at once,what a legend you are! That was quite a hat trick!
    Good health and blessings to you. 💕🌷

    And CL’s advice?
    Perfect!!! 👏👏👏👏 😊👍
    I hope you hung it on your wall in a really beautiful frame.
    You need to remember how remarkable you are on the daily. 💙

  • “He spends appointment fainting and being fanned by a nurse, the afternoon crying about how sad his life is, disappears next morning for two and a half weeks and fails to respond to texts, etc.”

    Even if there had been no affair, this puts him on the same moral level as primordial swamp ooze, although swamp ooze does have a more appealing personality. I hate hate hate this guy!
    M is amazing. What a tower of power she is. I bet she’s living her best life now, free of that albatross.

    The OW should suffer, as should the FW. In fact, they should suffer a hell of a lot more than just a phone call and some angry emails. That’s nothing. I’m thinking being tarred and feathered and run out on a rail is to good for them. This situation calls for nothing less than being keelhauled. What they did to M while she was being treated for cancer was unconscionable. 🤬

    • For sure…this chump is mighty as fuck.

      I didnt know the worst of Cheaters actions until after he was dead. If he had been alive when I learned, I would surely have made a few calls filled with stone-cold-crazy.

      There was a chump here for a long time who had cancer and the Cheater and OW used to mock her about her likely death. She recovered and the Cheater died.

      • Unicorn,
        The OW woman texted me once. It took EVERY ounce of my being not to reply. (I had thankfully found CL before this and knew “if it feels good, don’t do it”.) But I have to admit that the REAL reason that I found the strength to hold back was that I felt that NOT responding would piss her off more. Anything I said, she could reply to with more hurtful info. Why open that gate? And I figured, now I have her #. If I ever REALLY want to say something, I can. If I replied with vitriol then, I bet she would block me. And then I would lose the option.

  • FW was cheating on me while I went through chemo. Never made to any of my treatments. One night I had to drive myself to the hospital with a bad complication from chemo. She didn’t bother. I speckled and thought she was in denial and worried that she might lose me. That is why she was distant. Now I know it is because she was rooting for the cancer. After it appeared I was going to survive she got mean, which was a side of her I had never seen.
    These people just suck

    • DrChump, people like you are special. I was telling M as well, if your ex had a tiny amount of sense, she would have fallen in love with you over again since you were dealing with so much by yourself. Those who cheat when their spouses are going through such a difficult time are extremely sick individuals.

    • Oh Doc, that is ghastly. Her behavior in not taking you to the hospital is awful…yet I understand the urge to spackle…before I married Cheater, twice he subjected me to irrational fits of rage. When one of them subsided, he claimed that he was upset because (away in the military) he missed his parents/sibs. I thought in the moment, he was being vulnerable about his inner pain and it was bonding. I now think that he was juggling me and another woman and was frighteningly close to us being in the same place thus him getting caught and pulled the excuse out of his ass.

  • Dear M,
    You are precious. What a personality you have, strong like steel. You make those horrible people look so little that they are invisible. A needy scum and a narcissist; they only live for attention and no amount of attention will ever be enough for them. You are so above them that they are completely irrelavant.
    If your ex had a tiny amount of intellect, he would have fallen in love with you over and over seeing how strong you are. Yet, he wanted to go after someone who has no morals and no limits. Anyone, who willingly inserts herself knowing your situation is utterly despicable. If he finds this kind of a character attractive, he is the same.
    A friend of mine was in a similar situation like yours. She is strength and elegance. But her good character was too much for him so he went after a heartless attention seeker. My friend is finally happy after many years of sadness and her ex’s life is all about self-pity.

  • Ahh….so I see it as you blew off some steam at your ex who harmed you grievously at a time when he should have been a supportive & kind human being…but since he wasn’t up for the task…proved himself to be weak & a coward instead. The OW -being dumb as rocks & self-centred to boot- doesn’t pick up on him abandoning his wife during a serious illness as a huge red flag either. She better stay healthy & at the top of her game or she will find herself dumped too at the side of the road. Like all dumb OW, she bought into his story or simply doesn’t care because she’s a selfish twat. Either way, as they say, you can’t get blood from a stone & since these two appear to be just that (same as my selfish ex & his drama queen GF) you now know that it’s utterly pointless to get any satisfaction or validation from communicating with them (as it is with all fuckwits & affair partners). Chalk your attempts up to directing some missives that they really did deserve (and way way more) but now that you have found out – in black & white – that it’s a big waste of your time & energy, don’t continue to do it. Instead find another outlet (or two, three or ten) to direct that anger & energy. Therapy, zen yoga, meditation, whatever your physically capable of….concentrate on healing yourself….and redirect your mind wherever you think of your ex & the OW because they really really don’t deserve a place in your head…throw thoughts of both of them into the scrap heap! Practice does achieve this. Hope you’re doing well x

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