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I Want to Out Him as a Cross-Dressing Cheater

Dear Chump Lady,

I’m 27F, and have found myself fooled by a manipulative, narc, man child.

This came after my late fiance passed away in 2020, I went through a period of grief, depression, homelessness, isolation. Finally got myself back on my feet, found a place to live, then around 10 months ago I met this energy predator who was clearly seeking out vulnerable prey.

I’m currently reading your book, leave a cheater, gain a life. So I don’t really have to explain his behaviour to you.

Other than it comes mainly in forms on online perversions, attempt to meet up with other women on fetish dating sites. And I discovered he’s actually a secret cross dresser/sissy, or whatever he wants to call it.

He’s had me paying for everything in the relationship, with false future-faking promises of him paying for marriage and immigration.

But the one thing I am very upset about, is that he has somehow managed to fool not just his own family — but even my family — that I am delusional. Even though I have solid evidence, they can’t possibly believe he would do this to me because he’s done a good job and acting all calm and patient, whilst I call up my family upset and hurt.

He’s even lied to his own family about me, made out like I am basically keeping him hostage in this relationship, and I’m playing mind games, and he is scared of me.

The manipulation of this goes so deep, I have found him messaging them, mainly his mum and dad, putting on some act like the reason he hardly messages them (only does it when he needs money or wants to lie about me), is because I go insane if I catch him doing so? I have no issue with him talking with them, I actually am the one telling him he needs to talk to them more.

He’s originally from Finland, and he’s in the UK with me. And he’s made up a crazy story about how I’m hiding his passport and keeping it hostage, after he’s asked them for money for a flight home.

Whilst at the same time he will talk to me about how much they really like me. Yet tonight I’ve just seen a freaking message from his mother telling him that if I throw another tantrum then he needs to report his passport stolen to the police???

I don’t want to cause drama, but now I honestly want to secretly record him lying to me, so I can send it to them. And also I want to expose his cross-dressing cheating messages to them.

I’m at the point now where I’ve stopped letting him on to what I know and what I don’t know. I’m playing dumb. And since he has all these weird fantasies about dressing up as a woman and being locked in a cage or room… I am considering following him up on it, and leaving him in a locked room with only your book for entertainment for like 8 hours…whilst I pack up his stuff to kick him out.

What do you think?



Dear CW,

I think you should leave him, like yesterday, and forget the revenge scenarios.

As empowering as you think it might feel to have this guy as your own personal parakeet, caged, forced to read my snarky self-help — pay back is pointless.

Because it doesn’t hurt him like it hurts you.

Revenge comes up here time and again, and at the core of it is that some dramatic gesture will make the Fuckwit SEE and FEEL. Oh, let’s see how you feel if I cheat on YOU. Oh, why don’t you choke on some of the humiliation and pain for once, now you’ll know how I suffer.

Whatever the gesture, attempting to make them jealous so they’ll perform the pick-me dance for you (a common fantasy) or locking them in a room with my book (a less common fantasy) — revenge is predicated on the fundamental error that they give a shit.

They do not give a shit. This is their superpower.

He’s using you, ergo he’s not emotionally invested in you (probably because he’s incapable of having emotions to invest). He can’t feel like you — a bonded, sentient human being. He’s shallow and lacks the raw materials. Also, because doesn’t value you (see “cheating” and “using”) your currency is worthless in his economy of vapid self-interest.

He’s already decided he’s splendid and entitled to use people, so my book isn’t going to convince him of anything. This isn’t an insight problem, (“Send more self-help, STAT!”) it’s an “don’t give a shit” problem. (Splendid people are perfect as they are.)

That goes for trying to convince him he’s wrong, trying to get him to feel bad, or imploring other people to see him for the fraud that he is. (Will get to enablers and Switzerland friends in a moment.)

Revenge just keeps you locked in a power struggle with your abuser, trying to get them to care. Or at the very least, react and notice you. This struggle will make you feel WORSE and totally solidifies their loon narrative. The only winning move is to quit the game.

And I discovered he’s actually a secret cross dresser/sissy, or whatever he wants to call it.

The cross-dressing is besides the point. Secret is the point. He has a double life, he enjoys the power trip of his secrets. I feel the stampede of toxic shame apologists, but we live in a world with Google and a thousand kink communities. He could openly find someone to enjoy this with him, or have a relationship without monogamy. But he CHOOSES to future fake you for a greater investment in him. He pretends to be what he’s not (conventional, monogamous, financially solvent) to get others to do for him (invest, pay the rent, imagine future reciprocity). Deceit is his problem. I don’t care if he throws a feather boa around it.

He’s had me paying for everything in the relationship, with false future-faking promises of him paying for marriage and immigration.

Is this acceptable to you? You’re dating. You absolutely should not ever pay for everything. The reciprocity needs to be out of the gate. If it’s not, you don’t have a boyfriend, you have a project. Explore why you tolerated this. I’m not judging, we’re all chumps here, I’m saying take his as a red flag going forward. It’s OKAY to expect reciprocity. You do not have to be everything to someone’s nothing. It’s okay to believe in potential, but a partner needs to bring more than potential and promises to the table. Again, this is DATING. You don’t have a large data set of his character to work from, so don’t front ever money. You’re just getting to know him!

But the one thing I am very upset about, is that he has somehow managed to fool not just his own family — but even my family — that I am delusional. Even though I have solid evidence, they can’t possibly believe he would do this to me because he’s done a good job and acting all calm and patient, whilst I call up my family upset and hurt.

I am very sorry that your family let you down. Especially so soon after you just suffered the loss of your fiancé and now are going through this traumatic experience. Please stop trying to convince your family, and just act with conviction. Period. They don’t have to agree. He’s harming you with his double life, this is a deal breaker, you’re ending it. You’re not doing consensus surveys about everyone’s feelings. You’re DUMPING him. I don’t care if your parents like him or not, they don’t get a vote. And shame on them for not believing you.

As for his family? They made this monster. Please don’t waste your breath trying to convince them. They’re deeply invested in their son as Splendid Person with Lots of Potential. What you’re selling is very upsetting, so of course they buy the mean, controlling girlfriend narrative. Pity them. Unless they have some painful reckoning about who he really is, their future is financing this guy’s lies. There’s probably a reason he doesn’t live in Finland.

The minute you feel the dread and anxiety of trying to convince someone of something you have EVIDENCE of, stop. It’s a nonstarter. To the rational brain, you think, oh evidence, this is irrefutable. But people gaslight for reasons. Your boyfriend gaslights you because he wants to keep using you. And the truth gets in the way of that. Your parents don’t believe you, in spite of the evidence, because sadly, horrifyingly, they value some narrative of who they want you to be (partnered with Splendid Person). They’d rather believe you’re unstable, than doubt what they thought they knew about Mr. Splendid.

As I said, ACT on the knowledge you have. Let your actions do the convincing.

I don’t want to cause drama, but now I honestly want to secretly record him lying to me, so I can send it to them. And also I want to expose his cross-dressing cheating messages to them.

Let GO.

Exposing his penchant for wearing women’s lingerie will cause drama. Don’t go there.

I completely understand the impulse. A full court press to convince is a natural reaction to being gaslit. YOU’RE WRONG! I’LL MAKE YOU SEE!

You know what communicates “Your son is a lying liar who lies”? Consequences. Being thrown out of the apartment. Losing yet another mean, controlling girlfriend who doesn’t understand him. Having yet another mysterious passport crisis. The stories won’t add up. His parents will feel the weight of his consequences, if not now, eventually, when they’ve floated their 15th emergency loan.

Your job is to escape. Focus on your own healing.

Oh, and as a bonus?

Consequences are better than revenge.

Consequences land. He doesn’t care about your feelings. He does care about losing his meal ticket. He’s impervious to shame. He’s not impervious to cold sidewalks and couch surfing.

Let him go. Free your “hostage.”

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at [email protected]. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • At CN, we talk about “fixing our picker.” But there’s also the life tasks which are just part of being human. So, don’t worry about revenge. Send him on his way, change the locks and work on your own true independence. Education, career, wellness, addressing family of origin issues. You’ll find the next 10 months to be a rewarding relief.

    • Exactly this! Also, slow the hell down. Dead fiancé, homeless etc, and all this! It’s only two plus years. Get those feet on harder ground. Your walking on marshmallow’s

  • My situation was different (“gray” divorce), but the dynamics were the same. My attorney said something very similar in the initial phone interview to what Chumplady said here:

    “Revenge just keeps you locked in a power struggle with your abuser (your husband), trying to get them to care.”

    He added that if I wanted revenge, he wasn’t the attorney for me. He was all about efficiency and legal correctness, not trying to extract things that weren’t even mine, according to the law. I liked that, and he got it done.

    I don’t know who said this, but, “Revenge is sweet, but the aftertaste is bitter.” Let it go and move on.

    • Just let it happen. The karma bus tends to show up for people who don’t pay their way.

      • Agreed.

        I saw my last Ex joining partner finder kink groups on fet life while I was away for work and in the middle of a cancer diagnosis. I had told him before that I wasn’t open to poly. I paid for all our food, for his and my pets, did most of the chores and covered most of the rent. I broke up with him, paid up the apartment through the end of the lease, and my movers arrived within a week. I filled the fridge one last time, told the landlord I wasn’t renewing my lease and was out. I didn’t even bother go into the sketchy internet history because he always had excuses or explanations. I was just done.

        When I left the landlords said they didn’t want to renew a lease with him, and he had to move out. He kept looking for another free ride, found one with another woman, but he wasn’t even fully moved in before she changed her mind. He imploded, blew up at all our mutual friends, and his entitled, guilt tripping behavior was on full public display. He tried to blame his situation on me, but when friends found out I had paid up his expenses for two months even after I had moved out they didn’t buy it.

        In the end I didn’t have to do anything. So many mutual friends reached out to say that while they hoped he got on his feet, they were glad I was out of the relationship. I was complimented on my maturity, and many are planning to visit my new City. I don’t even wish him poorly, but he couldn’t handle the consequences of refusing to take responsibility for his own life and he is running out of couches. It isn’t my business, and it isn’t my problem to solve anymore. I didn’t want revenge, but what he inflicted on himself was worse then anything I ever could have planned. Just let them go and let them and their hot mess life do what may.

    • Anyone who’s ever been stalked probably has a reduced impulse to get revenge. When you get a full face of how dementedly obsessive abusive people can be when they’re spurned, the lesson sticks and you tend to extrapolate it to any other spurned abuser, imagining they’re all sitting in troll holes plotting your doom if they suspect you might move on and have a happy life. It makes you want to run not walk.

      But one thing I do find helpful for overcoming trauma is to lace a little prank into the final throes that makes me laugh years later. Laughing beats crying. For example, while I was actually in the process of meeting the district attorney to report the stalking, assault and threats, the psycho tried to hoover me at work by asking me for advice on how to paint his apartment and then, possibly because he was totally investing in his hoover, he went through with it and used the exact color I pointed to on the chart. The paint chip looked like a warm beige but in effect was a buff rose color. When he was arrested, his walls were pink.

      In the case of ex-FW, I led him to believe– to his great horror– that more coworkers knew about the affair than actually did. He ended up conveying this as fact to the AP who also had a paranoid meltdown. As far as the other married office doorknobs who’d toyed with FW but didn’t follow through (word to the wise: cheaters bat out at a high rate), a bit later I sent them “helpful” anonymous messages “from a friend” (using a dummy account and VPN) who was very concerned about the unfair things people were saying about them. I didn’t indicate what unfair things, just let the hints unspool in shitty consciences.

      Those things still amuse me.

  • Yes, CL, yes.

    The way the abuser abuses is never the point. The fact that the abuser abuses is the point.

    “Secret is the point. He has a double life, he enjoys the power trip of his secrets.”

    Deceit is abuse.

    Betrayal is abuse.

    Spot on!!!

  • “Revenge is predicated on the fundamental error that they give a shit.”
    Absolutely true. Forget about revenge, level consequences instead.

    Your fiancée died only two years ago, you went through hell, and pulled yourself out of it. Do that again. This pig of a man is utterly worthless, so kick him out, and go totally no contact. It’s the only way to win. And don’t date again for a long time. Concentrate on you, who you are, what you like/want, date yourself.

    • Revenge shows that you give a shit.

      Consequences.- Silence and no contact is the best revenge.
      Sends a clear message that you don’t give a shit.

      There’s nothing they hate more than not being the center of attention..

      • Going NC was for MY benefit. The icing was that it drove the xFW crazy. He resorted to sending me certified mail so that he would know I got whatever his latest scree was. I tossed them in the trash, unopened. I think he figured out I wasn’t reading the letters, because then he started sending certified postcards. On one of them, he wanted a copy of our divorce decree, which was the only one I responded to. I wrote, “I have no idea where it is, can’t be bothered to look for it. This is YOUR problem, not mine.”

  • These people don’t believe you with solid proof now – what makes you think they will believe you when you out him?

    You almost certainly aren’t his first chump-financier and you won’t be his last. You can’t fix people like him. Just get him out of there NOW.

    • Exactly. I found proof of sexual attraction to children. All I got for that was “How did you find this?! Did you spy on him?! You had no right! You’re an abuser!”

      At that point I realized that it didn’t matter what happened, it was going to be him=good and me=bad so I just had to get the hell away from all those sick people.

  • CW, I totally get you. I actually found CL’s site back in 2014 by Googling “how to get revenge on a cheater.” Which seems funny to me now, because revenge is absolutely not what this site is about.

    My then-STBX had enabling parents, too. They pulled stuff like asking me if I needed help getting an attorney, and then hiring the attorney I interviewed and picked out—for their son. They were Mormon and they didn’t trust me and seemed sure that the sweet Mormon son they had raised had been corrupted by his nasty Protestant wife.

    But ditching my loser ex, and getting his fail out of my life, really was the best revenge.

    Fast forward 8.5 years. I finished a master’s degree and a college certificate and am working on a doctorate; he’s a college drop-out.

    I work for law enforcement. He got arrested for petty non-adulting stuff in 2015 (I FOIA’ed his mugshot and that’s his picture on my phone).

    I remarried to a total upgrade and live in a nice 5-bedroom house. He’s living with his (also non-Mormon) girlfriend and her homeless parents in a 2-bedroom apartment. (Note: his current GF is not the affair partner, I have no hate for her, but the homeless parents living with them shows how dysfunctional his life continues to be.) I’m sure his parents are thrilled that he ditched one non-Mormon only to go shack up with another.

    I’m publishing articles and already have actual publishers interested in my dissertation. He used to brag about being the next Brandon Sanderson but hasn’t published even a short story.

    Meanwhile, three of my ex-in-laws’ five children have left the Mormon church or gone inactive (my XH included). I wonder who they blame since I sure as heck wasn’t married to the other two! I imagine seeing me succeed while their son flounders has made the whole “she was terrible and corrupted our son” narrative hard to sustain.

    Just leave this guy, and let his family (and yours) pick up the pieces of his false narrative. Eventually reality will catch up and they’ll realize he was never Mr. Wonderful.

    • Good for you, Rarity. My exFW was also an anchor that prevented my ship from sailing anywhere. I wanted to do things and go places with my life (not big things; I’m still an introvert) and it took me years to realize that he a) never supported my attempts to do things that enriched my life (he had be be dragged kicking and screaming to some of my choir concerts) and b) actively told me that I couldn’t or *shouldn’t* do anything that was just for me. To the latter point, I once tried to apply for a short course (one year long) that would involve getting a mentor and, be the time the course was over, producing some work. It was real baby-step type stuff but I was tired of only being either a stay-at-home mom of two babies or a minimum-wage part-time earner. I wanted to advance myself. I got through the entire application process before he pulled me aside and convinced me that this was something I shouldn’t do: “You’re overworked here at home as it is; you don’t have time to take on a program. I’m just concerned that you’re over extending yourself.” Nodding, and wanting to do whatever he wanted in order to keep our marriage afloat (we were in reconsilation at that time), I withdrew from the program I had been accepted to and stayed at home with him.

      Months later, he packed his bags and moved into GF#3 (later Wifetress’s) house. I felt like a fool. It took me a long time to realize what went unsaid throughout our entire marriage. Never did he ever encourage me to do something for myself (although if it were an activity that benefited either him or us as a unit, it was cool). At no point did he say “Go ahead and take that course! I know that means I’ll be the one, this time, who is left at home to take care of the kids occassionally, but I can do that for you.” I didn’t realize, for a long time, that he always took advantage of my offers (“Go on out with your friends! I’ll stay home and watch the kids.”) but he never offered the same back to me.

      Like you, once the rope to the anchor was cut (and I went through years of antidepressants, single-parenting, and figuring out how to survive), my ship started going places. I’ve worked through a certificate program, another BA, my MA, and now am finishing my PhD.

      None of that would have happened if I was still married to him. He would have guilted me out of it.

      My ship is no longer anchored to someone who doesn’t want it to move. If there is any revenge to be had, that is the kind of revenge you want. Leave the anchor behind, don’t center it in your life, and drive that ship to new places you’ve always wanted to go. Go on and live your best life.

      • Fourleaf (soon to be Dr. Fourleaf), that is AMAZING! Good for you. Thanks for sharing.

        My then-husband would tell me to go for the classes / degrees etc., but he’d get extremely pissy about having to take our kids to let me write and get academic projects done. It was hard for me to grasp that he was saying one thing, but his actions were saying another.

        Towards the end I’d asked him how he felt about me pursuing an MDiv next and he said to go for it. During the divorce he complained I was a perpetual student who wouldn’t graduate and get a job. I felt completely backstabbed; like, why couldn’t he just say he didn’t want me to do another degree when I asked him??

        My advisor has commented that I’m like a completely different person from who I was during my MA. It’s because I’m not tethered to that falling star anymore!

    • “I FOIA’ed his mugshot and that’s his picture on my phone.” OMG, that is hilarious–mighty squared.

      • I have a screen shot of sex addict topless, “waiting on someone very special,” aka sex worker online special. That is his pic on his contact which I no longer use (NC!). Reminds me who is really is.

    • Rarity, I love your story. Congratulations!! So inspiring. I wish I could frame your comment and hang it on a wall.

      Isn’t it funny how we level up in every way when idiots leave our lives? Hard to sustain the narrative that we were the problem when we do great without them and they blow up without us.

      In the last few years, I’ve been promoted several times, 4Xed my income, and am being recognized as a leader in my industry.

      One of my fuckwits left our industry altogether after he burned every bridge in it and moved across the country to start anew. Last I heard, he’s already burned every bridge in his new community and is now a million dollars in debt.

      The other fuckwit is in his 50s, refuses to get a job, and is driving for Uber. He still tells people I’m a crazy girl who can’t get over him. I never talk about him and my life is great while his is a dumpster fire, so everybody thinks he’s delusional.

  • It seems like this guy lives with you, CW?

    If so, and if you have no family who will help you get him out of your place, then enlist your local Legal Aid or domestic hotline to see how to get him out safely. I don’t want to alarm you, but people with no money and no citizenship can act in desperate ways. You will have to be extra careful that such action doesn’t heighten the drama and emotions for YOU, because drama makes you vulnerable.

    Repeat: drama makes you MORE vulnerable to his manipulation.

    No contact is your friend. But you have to get him out of your house first, if that’s where he is.

    • Agree. This guy isn’t someone to play games with (revenge fantasies), this guy is unhinged and evil. And could very easily be dangerous in all different kinds of ways, when/if he realizes that his meal ticket is getting rid of him. OP needs to be very careful about how she gets this narc out of her house and life. And do it ASAP.

      • I got chills reading this letter.

        CW, this guy is a parasite without a pot to piss in. He has nothing to lose, no money, no citizenship, and will be on the street without you. AND he’s trying to destroy your relationships with anyone who might support you. AND he’s trying to set you up as a threatening, unreasonable, dangerous person. You’re holding him hostage? How long until the police show up to “rescue” him and put you in handcuffs?

        This guy is a sociopath and he’s setting you up for a fall. Any attempts at revenge give him exactly what he wants: Proof that you’re crazy and need to be locked up, which gives him unfettered access to your home and money while you rot in jail. Bonus, it gives him supporters and more potential victims for his sob story about what an abuser you are.

        And he’s doing it so easily! This guy is a seasoned predator. He’s done this before. He’s dangerous.

        Don’t engage. Call whatever legal aid or domestic violence resources you have and get him the hell out of your home and change the locks.

  • CW, you don’t need a reason to throw him out. You’re entitled to break off any relationship that doesn’t suit you. He clearly doesn’t. You’re angry because he fooled you and is fooling other people about himself and about you. You don’t have to convince anyone of what you know is the truth. Don’t hang on to a relationship with him because you’re looking for proof.

    People who want to believe him are going to believe him, no matter how much proof you have. If you’re holding on to the relationship in search of the perfect proof, what other people will see is that you’re holding on to the relationship. You don’t need to prove he’s a bad guy to his family or yours. Let go and kick him out of your life.

  • I’m concerned that he is lying about her stealing the passport. Mummy dear is advising him to go to the police.

    This is the kind of guy who will file a false police report when you throw him out. He will destroy his own property & claim you did it or try to get you fired at work.

    • Yes. I know first hand the destruction these types cause. You have said the truth!

    • I haven’t got his passport. Here’s the proof he financially abused me. The Finnish Embassy could issue him a passport for a moderate fee. Could I suggest you send the paperwork to the CPS who may choose to prosecute him for wasting police time.

    • Also, check the location of your own passport and valuable documents and if possible; lock them in a safe deposit box. Whatever they are accusing you of is usually what they are doing.

  • It’s concerning to me, for your safety, he is laying groundwork to the parents. Please get out of the situation ASAP.

    • Yes. This guy has a narrative going and he is up to something. What ever it is will not be good for the Letter Writer.

  • I married this guy! But he was from the Czech Republic. He told the same kinds of lies to everyone about me, accused me of stealing his passport. He had lost his passport three times (on his drunken sexcapades with men and women) promoting the need to actually visit the Czech Embassy in DC to get a third one) then he misplaced it, accused me of stealing it again but found it where he actually had put it! I went through pure hell with that demonic nut case. I urge you to get out today and never take another call, message or bullshit tomfoolery of his crazy ass. Be done. Today.

    • Yes, the priority here is not revenge or proof or convincing anyone — it’s physical and legal safety. That takes preparation, so the LW really needs to enlist professional help NOW. Tell a domestic hotline or Legal Aid place about the passport accusation. Or a lawyer, if it’s affordable.

  • CW,

    I echo what everyone else is saying: drop the rope and walk away.

    And remember that you don’t have to justify leaving him to anyone–not your family, not his family. You don’t have to get into the reasons. People aren’t owed an explanation, especially people who aren’t supportive of you.

    That said, I do hope you CAN find supportive people in your life. This is a lot to handle for anyone, but especially for someone so young. May I suggest therapy, if you are able. A good therapist is gold.

    Good luck.

  • When I read your comments, I find myself healing from wounds that I forgot I had.

    “Your” comments means ALL OF YOUR comments: Chump Lady, and the noble citizens of the Chump Nation.

    The amount of anxiety that had been entwined in my nervous system has dropped enormously since I found your site (about six months ago). It is noticeable to everyone.

    You do far more good than you realize. Each and every one of you.

    • I agree 100pc LW. This daily dose of healthy perspective and no nonsense clear advice from CL and CN, is keeping me sane and grounded.

    • Little Wing, Chump Lady’s writing, and comments on this site, have helped me enormously in processing my parents’ divorce. Ancient history, and they’re both dead, but it still affects me today.

      I’ve also learned to heed red flags in relationships. I already have, in the past, and ended a relationship because of verbal abuse, but some of the stories I’ve read here have made me even more cautious! I live in a community property state. I’m unlikely to ever marry, but if I do, there ‘will’ be a prenup in place!

  • Once in my career, I worked in post anesthesia care. These are folks who come out of surgery and need to wake up,but they are semi sleeping. You can’t make them wake up before the anesthesia wears off. Just like the men in my life that I tried to teach lessons to, begging them to want their family, their babies ,to love ME? Pleading,crying, yelling , revenging, silent treatment, withholding, putting out,making brownies, only butter cream frosting on cupcakes. IT DOES NOT AND WILL NOT MATTER. They are half asleep, walking through life and you cannot breach that fortress. You can’t wake them up and make them into the person you want them to be. Maybe my STBXH will come to his senses, maybe with someone else, maybe never. But sleep walking through a marriage with future faking, empty promises, affairs and disregard of my precious self was not acceptable. Lose this sorry man and find someone who has the capacity to love someone besides himself. If I did – anyone can!

    • You had me at “butter cream frosting on cupcakes.” Your previous partners were idiots if that didn’t make them change their ways!

  • Outing a FW’s behaviour doesn’t make a chump’s life better. Sometimes, doing so actively makes the chump’s life worse. The FW has the advantage; as CL puts it, not caring whatsoever is their superpower. Meanwhile, the chump cares. They care a lot. No amount of raging against the FW, or weeping, can really prompt them to (truly) care about what they have done. Think of Shakira’s FW’s super revealing statement: (paraphrasing) “In the end, nothing matters except that I do what I want to do and stay faithful to myself. The end.”

    With my FW’s first affair, GF#1, I told everyone. I shouted it from the rooftops. I phoned mutual friends to try and get ahead of the narrative. Not only did this not really affect his “happily ever after” mindset, it actively made my life more hellish as now my husband didn’t just see me as an obstacle to his happiness; he saw me as his opponent. Fast forward a bit and there was a reconciliation (something I’d never wish on anyone). Then he skipped off into the sunset again with GF#3/Wifetress. This time I took no overt revenge. I didn’t trumpet his behaviour to one and all. I didn’t phone up mutual friends to tell them. I was just too tired and sad.

    And you know what? FW still had the same “Shakira’s Ex” mindset between those two controlled experiments (one where I let everyone know and one where I just clammed up about it): he did not care.

    Don’t bother with revenge. Don’t bother trying to do anything that centers the FW or focuses on trying to get them to feel shame. Is it fair? No, it’s not but it is what it is. Just make sure they have their passports or the keys to their car or whatever it is they need to get away from you.

    And run. Run as far away as you can from them in the opposite direction. Don’t engage. Leave them, their families and friends, and their stupid secrets behind in the dust. You’ve got more important things to do.

  • CW, I say this with all the power of a outside observer, why the fuck are you still messing around with HIS drama? Get out of it. Maybe he’s going through his own mental issues or maybe he’s just a fuckwit, whatever, put his stuff outside your door and lock it. And, do not out him – that’s his business and nobody else’s! I do understand the temptation but no good will come of it and you may end up not liking yourself.

    Work on making you stronger, wiser and better able to understand what you need and what you don’t need. Learn from this mistake and carry the lessons to your next relationship. Fix you first!!

  • As the ex-wife of a secret keeping cross-dressing trans woman wanna be who decided to stay in the closet because he liked his male privilege and prerogative as well as the thrill of a secret life, I will say that the cross-dressing may not be the point, but it does flavor the experience in particularly mind-fucking ways. If your partner cheats with another woman or another man that’s its own particular bitter flavor, if they’re closeted homosexuals cheating with their own sex, that’s another particular bitter flavor. When your partner is in love with himself acting as a woman–when the other woman is himself–that’s a bitter flavor of a special mind-fucking kind, especially when he’s also cheating with another person or via porn (and sissy porn, at that). In fact, I’d say the cheating with the other woman was not nearly as traumatic for me as the psychological repercussions of being devalued and discarded in favor not of another person but of an imaginary one, of an actual life cast aside as less valuable than being able to dress up in women’s clothes in secret and wank off.

    The only way to win is to leave the game. He can’t lie about you if you’re not with him. And if after you leave, you want to defend yourself in retrospect with the evidence you have, I suggest you be prepared for a sympathetic response not to you but to him.

    • I immediately thought of similar stories I’ve heard similar to yours and OPs.
      I hope you have found the community of supportive “widows”.

      My own FW was heading this direction and it’s a whole new mindfuck to not just be vilified, but to be told that “anything that isn’t accepting of my narcissism, fetishism and entitlement is absolute bigotry.”

      I’m rooting for you and anyone else in this situation that is finding it difficult to escape.

  • Please please just give him his freedom by kicking him out whether he likes it or not. Absolutely do not lock him in a room. That would totally play into his “she is keeping me captive” narrative. You want to show the world he is a liar? Do the exact opposite of what he claims you are doing. You will free yourself at the same time.

  • Condolences for the loss of your fiancé. How incredibly difficult that had to be to go through!
    I would imagine you might still be grieving such a tremendous loss, and I’m sure you probably are. But you somehow landed yourself in an extremely toxic relationship for almost a year! 😵‍💫
    That’s way too much going on in those three catastrophic years, it’s no hard wonder you haven’t been able to get a clear head around any of it!
    It might very well be your picker isn’t broken at all. You just didn’t give yourself long enough to grieve and reset, you anxiously rushed the process.
    Don’t beat yourself up over that,it’s not your fault you wanted to feel grounded and whole again. Who wouldn’t?!
    But the vampires are out there lurking in great numbers and one flew over your head and found a vulnerable injured lamb and went in for the kill.
    Your gut knows you need to get out, that is the voice you should be following right now. This is not a good person you are involved with, he WILL continue to harm you.
    You will immediately feel the loss of a heavy burden weighing you down when you lose this freak. (My God, he sounds like the hugest twat!)
    You do not deserve to be treated like that, not for a single second! Your family who should always have your back, has not supported you enough through these times, so that’s a whole other weight on your overtaxed shoulders you are dealing with too.
    But navigate those waters, you must! Get the hell out of that dangerous waterway and head out to the sea of clear blue possibilities.
    Stay single for a good long while until you fortify those wobbly sea legs below you.
    You are the lovely age of 27, still plenty young enough that you can completely turn your ship around and stay whole and solid. (Some of us chumps are not as fortunate as that. I for one. ) We kept our ships in bad seas for way too long a voyage.
    You still have plenty of time to find a great guy, have babies if you want, and live a wonderful, loving life.
    I strongly agree, no revenge, just get this lipstick wearing pig the hell off your ship! “Fair winds and following seas‘ will find you and you’ll be able to breathe in huge gasps of that fresh salted air again. It’s all out there waiting for you to show up.
    You will then be hearing yourself say and firmly believe a simple truth:
    “Fuck yea, I’ve got this!!!” 💪🏼🔥

  • My advice is to get out of the relationship immediately and go no contact with him and everyone who supports him. And I mean everyone. If your sister takes his side, cool. She can be the perverts sister now. Maybe they can roleplay incestuous sex together in front of your other family members who support him over you. That’s fine. You just move on with your life and won’t even need to know what they’re doing together because you weren’t no contact.

    People may think that sounds harsh but I’m three years out now and my life has only improved by getting rid of unsupportive people. I think you’ll find that family who supports you pervert boyfriend over you are not actually worth your time and energy. I bet there’s lots of other times they’ve let you down too. This may be a wake up call to make you ask yourself, do you really need these “family” members in your life? You might do better without their sabotage.

  • CW, you have a “you” problem honestly. If you didn’t, you would’ve kicked this guy to the curb as soon as he stated devaluing & using you. I’m not judging, I had a “me” problem too. After I found out the ex-jerk was cheating (2nd time that I know of), I finally realized my worth & got him out. Then, I’ve spent the last three years learning about myself & bettering myself. This involved therapy, belonging to a divorce grief group (a grief group might be what you need too even now), and reading books like CL. I haven’t dated because I wanted to focus on myself for a change & not others. I hope you get the privilege of doing the same.

  • Back in the thick of it I used to have very vivid fantasies of all kinds of revenge. The impulse was almost unbearable sometimes.

    But one day I realised that revenge is exactly what he wants so he can solidify his narrative that I am unstable. This is why he kept telling me weird stuff and doing things that he knew would upset me. He wanted to make me react in some way that he could use against me. “See, I have a reason for cheating! How could I be happy with someone as dramatic/jealous/unstable as you!”.

    There’s no way I am giving him that pleasure.

  • CW I have a daughter your age. I would happily throat punch anyone who tried to hurt or abuse her in any way.
    However, I grew up in a family where I was the emotionally abused scapegoat. This of course shapes who you become and helps make you prey for the sharks in this world. The fact that you say your family are unsupportive and buying into his narrative suggests to me that maybe,like me,you have FOO issues that make you vulnerable to men like this hideous man you describe in your letter.
    You need to get away from him. You need to get this piece of shit out of your orbit ASAP. Today. Tomorrow.
    He is an abuser. You are wasting your precious young life and energy on a toxic man. Run. Run away from him. Then keep him away from you by any means necessary. He will destroy your heart,your emotional and psychological well being for as long as you allow it.
    Ask me how I know.

  • This is gold. Pure gold. A benefit of letting consequences land for the FW is that they’ll see it as revenge. “Why are you doing this to me?” whines FW when ordered to pay child support. When the AP dumps him, when he loses his job, when his kids don’t want to see him – it will all be my fault, according to FW, and it will happen all without me having to lift a finger. While FW spins himself into circles, I’ll be over here, living my best life.

    • Right. They will see consequences as revenge.

      They’ll whine and stomp. They’ll accuse us of being vindictive. They’ll characterize consequences as punishments. They’ll DARVO the shit out of their situation, all while holding the pin to the grenade that destroyed the mirage.

      FWs will try to blame chumps even when we have removed ourselves from “the game,” but I would argue that that will became increasingly difficult over time. Spaghetti won’t stick to a fridge that’s no longer there. That’s not to say they won’t try.

      But, if we don’t respond and are 100% out of the picture, it can’t be very satisfying.

      So I think that they will have to find another blame recipient. Enter the AP. In my case, the AP-now-spouse might not have realized that one of my roles she was assuming was that of FW Emotion Regulator. Being the recipient of unfair blaming comes with the job.

      He’s left yelling into a void @ me (presumably) and flinging spaghetti wherever it will stick. She’s covered in spaghetti and wondering what the hell has happened.

      Call it indirect/passive revenge.

      • “Spaghetti won’t stick to a fridge that’s no longer there”
        I love it. So simple yet so profound.

        I still have revenge fantasies sometimes. But the best thing I can do is give him plenty of rope with which to hang himself.

        Detaching from him was incredibly difficult at first (still is sometimes).
        But I am rewarded when he spins out of control because I am calm and collected and he cannot deal with that.

        As previous poster said, act the opposite of how he’s telling people you act. The truth will be sorted out eventually.

        There will, however, always be people that refuse evidence right before their faces. They need to hold on to an idea very strongly. For example “that bad lady stole my sweet little boy’s passport” is easier to believe than “I raised a garbage human being that will pull this kind of shit”.

        Don’t try to convince anyone of anything and he will out himself eventually.

        There’s another side to this, though. Do you need to convince other people in order for you to be strong in your belief?

        I intentionally stayed away from people who didn’t believe me until my faith in his shittyness was unshakeable. Then I didn’t care too much if others believed him. I knew the truth. That led me to this:

        Gathering proof about his deception and recording his lies did help me not to fall into the “he’s not so bad” trap.

        But that evidence was saved in order to remind ME, not to prove something to others. Give it a thought to see if it applies to you.

        Also a huge resounding YES to getting away from him asap. He’s dangerous. The counseling provided by my local dv shelter was invaluable. I was able to get out relatively safely.

  • CW, gently…. He doesn’t “make you” do anything. You have agency. You are choosing to pay for him, choosing to let him mooch off you, choosing to stay knowing exactly who he is- a lying, cheating, blameshifting grifter. Leave him today! Hire a lawyer if you have to. Get as far away from him as possible. Your life is in danger.

    Once you’re free, spend a serious amount of time and energy figuring out why you put yourself in this danger. Why you stayed a single second past the moment you knew who he was…. That’s where your focus needs to be. Until you have that sorted out, you’ll be prey for these types over and over.

    • Many of us here stayed looooooong past the first second we knew who the abuser was. Would that we ALL could’ve left immediately. It is confusing, disorienting, and crazy-making — trying to sort out truth from lies.

      That’s why we all thankfully have this space.

  • CW, it was painful to read about your losses and trauma. I wish you healing and I believe, in part, you hooked up with this fuckwit because you were reacting from the devastation. Please read CL’s word over and over again. Let them sink in. And LEAVE. Get OUT. Revenge for what? He’s a destructive cyborg. He doesn’t care, his parents don’t care. He’s just a cyclone that will roam the earth causing destruction to anything and anyone that comes in his path.

    If you were an inanimate object to him, you’d be equivalent to a rental car. You’re serving a purpose in the moment to get him from point A to point B. He doesn’t care whether he treats you well, strips your gears, runs you down to gas
    fumes. He knows at some point you’re being returned. As long as you don’t have any “visible dents or damage” that he has to pay for, no one is the wiser.

    He sounds incredibly f-up’ed and as CL pointed out, he’s probably in the U.K. because too many peopl are either sick of, or onto, the loads of shit he left behind in Finland. Remember: There are no emotions that resonate with cyborgs. Pick-Me Dancing doesn’t work because they don’t bond and they don’t care, so if you try that, all you are is a swirling dervish of craziness. GET OUT. NOW. If you live together, or rather he lives with you, give him a day to pack his shit and get out of your apartment. End of story. No ifs, ans or buts. If you do that, he’ll probably try to crocodile-tear you, knowing that you’re human and can respond to emotion, but do NOT fall for it. HE IS A CYBORG. He is a USER. He is an ABUSER. He uses and sucks people dry. Then he steps over the body as he heads onto his next victim.

    As one of the other members posted, your picker is out-of-whack, understandably so. My suggestion is also to take the next year – even two – to be alone and work solely on yourself. You’re young. You have plenty of time to date, mate and all that jazz. It will be waiting for you when you emerge and this time, you will be healthier with the ability to make healthier decisions. Join groups (PTSD, healing from loss/grief)… even your homeless situation, no matter how temporary, had to be incredibly jolting to your sense of security and your emotional hardwiring. Heal. Heal. Heal.

    I often say this, perhaps a bit too much, but I just turned 62 years old and I’m a cancer survivor. I look at time through the eyes of my “cancer clock,” not in the sense that I plan on leaving the earth soon (I don’t) but in how VALUABLE our time here is. When you’re young, it’s hard to envision or truly appreciate, but the years go by so quickly. Make the most of yours. You’re still young enough to have that wonderful mate/partner/husband and a family, if that’s what you choose. Work on yourself, your financial security and putting that strong emotional “dog fence” around you that will keep away the predators. Oh, how this older broad wishes she could get a Peggy Sue do-over. Learn from those of us who are ahead of you on the road of life.

    Best to you, sweetie. Hang in there. GET RID OF HIM. Forget revenge. Remember you.

  • Nothing wrong with a juicy mad fantasy.. but indulge in this from the shelter of a disconnected and safe life. I’m suggesting that you concentrate a survivalist level energy on escape and barricades.

    Then play with your healing mind in the knowledge that you can enjoy thinking of things you’re too smart and self protective to actually be silly enough to do. There’s a reason that listening to the Blues can cheer you up!

    I cooked up a whole imaginary planet on which my FW got fully restrained and gagged and transported to the reservoir of an out-house toilet, their remaining days to be spent shivering in the pit while being continually shat upon.

    A girl can dream! (Absolutely don’t do anything real though, and detach yourself emotionally asap!)

    • Totally agree! Revenge fantasies can be fun (and are even better when they’re funny) but while you’re still living with a scumbag liar, your energy is best spent on getting away from this toxic jerk.

  • “And I discovered he’s actually a secret cross dresser/sissy, or whatever he wants to call it.

    The cross-dressing is besides the point. Secret is the point.”

    As a queer nonbinary chump, thank you for pointing out that cross dressing isn’t the problem. Being a manipulative liar is the problem.

  • Since your fam or his are just being fooled by this dude, just tell them you broke up because you realized you, having suffered the loss of your beloved ex, were not ready for a relationship with dude. ‘Thanks for sharing your concern’ will be your auto response to any relationship advice concerning the dude. Now, get him and his stuff out of your house. Use a domestic violence group to help if necessary. Change your locks and tell your landlord for safety reasons. Block his number. If he pulls any crap, report him to immigration that he’s preying on women, tricking them into lying for him to get citizenship. Just remember. You didn’t do anything wrong. You got taken in by a con man liar. Hugs

  • “…and he’s in the UK with me.”

    CW – The hostage in this situation is you. Dump him. Get him out of your home and out of your life. Don’t try to convince his family or friends that he’s the issue. Just get him OUT.

    Then l would focus on learning how to not only “fix your picker” but TRUST it. If someone’s behavior isn’t acceptable to you then you are not obligated to give them more slack. Particularly when dating. That is when you see someone at their absolute BEST and if that’s not good enough – it’s not good enough!

    A written journal may be the best free therapy. Use different pen or highlighter colors when you note things you need to focus on in the future.

  • You’ve known him 10 months and he’s living in your apartment/house and causing all this drama?
    Do you realize you are dating, not married?
    Kick his ass out. Today. Have someone there (perhaps a local police officer) to be there to verify that he has his passport.
    Then block him on all social media, on your phone, and put his emails into spam.

    Who cares what his parents (who raised this no-good parasitic loser) or his skeevy friends think? And ignore what your parents. You’re an adult. You can conduct your adult life, including dating, without their input. DON’T TALK TO PEOPLE ABOUT THIS WHO ARE ACTIVELY ON THE OTHER SIDE, FOR NOW. Your life is not something you talk a poll on every time you have a decision.

    More important, get some counseling if you can. Jumping into this relationship so quickly and picking a predator is a sign (as someone says above) that you need to slow down. Give yourself a year to get your financial life and your career fully established. Learn CL’s lesson that reciprocity has to be there from the get-go (as we say in the States), meaning from the very beginning. Don’t date men who are “projects” or people who need money from you. Don’t allow a man who runs you down to family and friends to live in your home. Time to raise your standards.

    • “I love you!” + “Can you loan me money” = Not a long-term relationship.

      Particularly in less than a year! I mean, if this was a 3 year relationship and he wanted to borrow money to buy a used car and was willing to sign a promissory note, that’s a bit different. Presumably CW would have a better idea if he was a good credit risk or not.

      But this guy? Ugh. Broom him to the curb. Block his number. Offload any Switzerland acquaintances and be blunt with any family who brings him up in glowing terms.

  • My advice is to get away as soon as possible. If its your apartment then move him out. If his move you out. Video any transactions. Or take pics to show what you gave him back so He cant’ accuse you of not returning them.

  • CW, please listen to all the good advice here today. We don’t know your whole story, but we know he’s hurting you, and most likely planning more intense hurt for you! My suggestion is to go to your mirror, look yourself in the eyes, and promise ‘I’m going to protect you’. Love yourself, and push him away, and out the door. I hope you can be ok living alone, and work on yourself like we have advised here, because that’s the key. Being alone is not failure! It’s a special time, when you can dig deep into who you are, and what you desire. If it scares you, there are groups that are out there to help, or maybe a friend you already have. A grief support group seems a natural for you.
    Sending you love, and strength to let go of this con man 💕

  • As usual, Chump Lady is right. Do whatever you have to do to throw this user out – give him legal notice, put his stuff outside, let your landlord know, change the locks, whatever. (I don’t know because I don’t live in the UK.) If you can’t get him out, LEAVE. And go no contact with him! ASAP!

  • “As for his family? They made this monster. Please don’t waste your breath trying to convince them. “

    This is undeniable truth, and I wish it could be flashed in large neon letters in front of every chump each time we feel that urge to get the cheater’s family to see what they have done and the pain they have caused.

    They really did make these monsters, they’re usually familiar and comfortable with the behaviors. Just like the cheater, if the narrative doesn’t serve them, they refuse to entertain it. Better at Christmas dinner to keep reciting that the chump was always the problem, because it beats the alternative: “Sorry Aunt Becky, our sweet little John-John simply can’t control himself around strange hoochies, so he went ahead and destroyed his marriage and damaged his children. “

    But even for the cheater’s family there will be consequences. Their own cognitive dissonance when poor, sweet John-John ends relationship after relationship and they finally realize that one failure *might* be an evil chump…but a string of seven or eight chumps means…*gulp*…maybe there’s something wrong with John-John.

  • CL is absolutely right. But I sent a “revenge” text to FW over the weekend that I think will end up helping me, and I believe it’s a very limited exception to the general rule.

    Ever since D-day, I have been unable (or unwilling), for various reasons, to tell FW what I really thought about him and to express my anger at him. First, I was pick-me dancing, or at least standing around in limbo, then I was afraid to tell him off because I wanted to get a good settlement without a fight. I also played nice because I thought it would help my son (who is now almost 20), and sometimes I was nice because I actually felt kind of sorry for FW. So, I maintained contact related to my son (necessary contact only), but I always felt like I wasn’t true to myself. I was acting in a way I didn’t feel. I was being civil, even nice on occasion, when I actually hated his guts. It was fake, I wasn’t speaking my truth, and it was actually keeping me in contact with FW rather than cutting him off because (in my mind) I hadn’t given him a sufficient reason not to engage with him. (Total chump behavior, feeling guilty if I stopped speaking to him without an explanation, as if what he did wasn’t enough explanation. SMH.)

    So, over the weekend I sent him a text finally telling him how I feel: that I despise him, that most everything negative that has befallen me or will befall me is his fault, and that I will never forgive him. Then I blocked him. I know he probably won’t care or feel guilty, so it’s not about revenge. Rather, it’s about me finally speaking my truth and feeling better about myself. And there’s the added benefit that there’s no way to take back what I said, and now that I’ve told him how I really feel, I will no longer feel obligated to engage with him AT ALL. He has his explanation. 🙂

    • Were you able to get a good settlement? Is it a one time payment you’ve already received? I’m also playing a long game for these reasons. I’m concerned that FW will not pay the lifetime support I’m due after a 37 year marriage if I don’t “play nice”. It’s not been easy to continue to eat the shit sandwich of pretending to reconcile while I’m lining up ducks.

      • Yes, I was able to get a good settlement. I was with FW for almost 30 years, married for 27, and the one thing I really wanted was to keep my full pension, which I got. He has a much smaller one, which he got. Otherwise, things were split pretty much down the middle, accounts were divided in half, house sold with half proceeds to each of us, etc. In fairness, I think playing nice helped, but I also think FW was pretty distracted with the OW and drinking too much, so that helped too. He never even retained an attorney, although he is one, as am I. All that said, although it’s hard to do, I would definitely play nice until everything is finalized. That does not mean not fighting for what you’re owed through an attorney, which I was prepared to do, but I figured it was worth the extra personal civility with FW so as not to give him any personal reason to oppose me,


    For best results, get your body AND your mind out of the relationship with him.

    His own actions will create consequences that are way better than any revenge you could exact. You need to spend every ounce of your time, energy, and attention on yourself and your life to get out of his gravitational pull. His own hand is keeping the door shut to things in life that only come from being genuinely kind, honest, compassionate, emotionally mature, of good character with a working moral compass.

    Revenge costs you your credibility and gives him undeserved credibility for free. It validates any lies he told about you. Your dignity and credibility are invaluable assets that are yours to keep when you stand aside and don’t interfere with the natural cause and effect of his a**holiness. Just because it doesn’t arrive on your timeline does not mean he’s getting away with anything. As I said above, his own actions keep away the rewards of good character.

  • “They do not give a shit. This is their superpower.”

    You said it all CW.

  • While CW considers revenge, I think the Fuckwit Finn is way ahead of her. I’m a bit worried that the FW Finn’s allegations against CW are aligned with new criminal laws against coercive control in the UK. His fake charges of CW keeping his passport hostage, “not letting” him speak to family, etc., don’t sound accidental because they smack of the pattern of behavior described in coercive control statutes which is punishable by up to 5 years in prison. So, to me, this sounds like FW Finn is doing some really diabolical fake case-building in order to entrap CW and bend her to his will lest he unleash the law on her, at which point his cross-dressing will make him part of a protected population. I also suspect FW Finn knows about controlling behavior because he himself has done it– held someone’s id hostage, prevented them from calling family. With a malignant narcissist, every accusation is a confession.

    When I worked in advocacy, I learned that, quite typically, batterers will often try to use anti-DV laws against their own victims. They’ll do the bar bouncer trick of creating an alibi to beat up drunk customers like, say, when the victim raises a hand to shield themselves from blows, the abuser will act as if they were struck, fly backwards and loudly into a wall and scream in a way that neighbors can hear, “Stop hitting me!” Batterers will put on a limp as they open the door to police and report their victims assaulted them to trigger dual arrest policies. They’ll tell bystanders and the courts they were just trying to contain the victim’s violence.

    As an abuser does terrible things which would cause most normal people to flee, they will simultaneously lay the trap to prevent the victim from fleeing. I think this is what Fuckwit Finn is doing and it’s so practiced that I wouldn’t be surprised if, back in Finland, there are charges against him. But that may not protect CW in time to avoid a major trauma or drama so I would consider protecting myself against allegations like that. Instead of gathering evidence of the abuser’s cross-dressing, it would be better to set up a sting proving that his allegations against CW are lies. I don’t know what that would entail. Maybe pretend to book a holiday abroad for which passports are necessary and, while filming by secret cameras set up around the living space, show the FW Finn going casually to retrieve his passport in the place he keeps it. Tape him answering or ignoring calls from his family while CW obviously doesn’t intervene. I’m sure others can be more creative about ways to hoist Fuckwit Finn on his own petard and prevent him from retaliating after CW tosses him out on his ass.

    • “I also suspect FW Finn knows about controlling behavior because he himself has done it– held someone’s id hostage, prevented them from calling family. With a malignant narcissist, every accusation is a confession.”

      BINGO. She needs to get rid of this guy immediately before he can put his plans into action. I’d suggest she touch base with a domestic violence shelter and a lawyer about her concerns in case he decides to up the ante and comes back to harm her. She needs a paper trail that shows this guy has been falsely accusing her of holding his passport.

    • “so I would consider protecting myself against allegations like that”

      HOC is exactly right. Instead of trying to prove him guilty, gather evidence to show you’re innocent.

      It may come in handy someday. Even if you never use it in court, it can help fortify you against his gaslighting.

      My atty encouraged me to emphasize that I am an excellent, capable, loving mother instead of talking about him lying about me, being a terrible father and a human shaped bag of worthless landfill fodder.

      These things are all true, of course, but irrelevant to my case.

      I ignored him entirely and built my case based on myself, my character, and my actions.

      It was the clean high road. It left me feeling good and I didn’t get dirty from any mudslinging.

  • Oh good grief. Do not do anything illegal such as locking him in a room, even if he’s a deviant and likes it. He’ll get you in trouble with the law, even if he likes it and agrees to it. He’ll do that because he’s evil and wants you to suffer. Holding somebody against their will is illegal whether they enjoy it or not, and gets already laid the groundwork by claiming you are holding him hostage. Do what CL says immediately. Stop coming up with revenge plots and DUMP. You want to show him how inconsequential he is? DUMP. Then proceed to forget he exists. Set him free to cross dress and be locked up to his shriveled little heart’s delight by others. As for his family, fuck ’em. They created a monster and it sounds like they suck. The work you have ahead of you is on yourself and with your family. It may be that they suck and you need to distance yourself from them, or it may be they were just drawn in by an experienced manipulator. Concentrate on figuring that our rather than on getting back at the fuckwit.
    I also think you needed more time to grieve before being in another relationship. You can do that now. There’s no time limit on it. You’ve been through a lot, so do the work on healing from it. Come back here and talk about it some more. It helps.

  • CW:

    I think he is setting you up. I’d make copies of all the evidence that shows who he really is, and then throw him out, with hired security and a few friends present and surreptitious video taken. And maybe discussed with a lawyer first. Protect yourself! If he leaves in peace let it all go, but if he is tryng to set you up, you’ve done everything you can to protect youself, and if he comes back at you with strange accusations, you have evidence of his real self. This man is dangerous and the sooner you can safely get him out, the better.

  • Three years later, I remember with amusement the face of the ex when I said ‘there are consequences for your actions’. The look of horror as he shouted in the neutral pub in which we were meeting for the very last time, ‘consequences, what consequences’. The smirk that I pulled out of the bag when I looked him in the eye and repeated, quietly, ‘consequences’. We were together for 26 years. The panic that I caused him on that last occasion of seeing him in real life was my best revenge. I suddenly had the power to let him go off with his exgfOW (he could not bring himself to admit her existence and was a long way off ‘shouting our love to the world and not giving a f*&k who knows’ as she wanted). I’m no contact and it’s wonderful. Lovely UK chump, from another UK chump, you are 27 and have a whole wonderful life to lead. I was 33 when I met the ex, and 59, very nearly 60, when I was dumped. Not caring about being heard by his family and his friends after months of angst was wonderful. Let go of the string and walk away, free and mighty. You will feel much better. Give yourself time to reassess what you want from life as a single woman. This societal pressure to pair off is, in my view, damaging to women. Only now am I completely free of the burden that comes with having a man around. I am truly myself for the first time in my life. I wish that I had known at 27 what I know now.

  • You are in the UK. Please go to the police and report this intimidating behaviour before he reports his version. He likely won’t vanish quietly.

  • CW:

    His family knows that their son is a liar. They just choose not to acknowledge it. They are either liars themselves or too arrogant to admit that their son is a loser.

  • Oh My God , just dump and run, no contact , these type of men are very disordered , narcissistic ,volatile, leeches, entitled hard to shake the list goes on..No point in even thinking of outing them as they rewrite the narrative so successfully that you will doubt yourself! If you do out him which is obviously extremely tempting, it will be a 5 minute wonder with you painted as the lunatic/cause of/consequence of and ultimately leave you doing the exhausting engaging/explaining dance, save yourself ! Bin him !

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