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UBT: Humans of New York, Douchey Cheater

Oh, Humans of New York, what happened? I am such a fan. Those quirky character profiles in courage. The Hot Dog King veteran. The recovering addict in love. Venus, the plucky, chumped single mom turned realtor.

So, WTF? A nameless, headless serial cheater? Are you desperate for clickbait? In a city of 8.5 million people you couldn’t find another inspiring story? Come on, anybody but this guy, Brandon. Rudy Giuliani! Times Square Elmo! Pizza rat!

What are you nattering on about, Tracy?

The latest Humans of New York story. It’s an anonymous douchebag waxing lyrical about cheating on his wife.

Someone opined that she should leave him just for the sin of eating NY pizza with a fork.

How about the chardonnay and the upturned French cuffs? Compensating much? How ever does he work in the manicures between fucks? I guess we’ll never know because he didn’t leave his name, or his head. Just his self-serving words. Which I am now forcing down the gullet of the Universal Bullshit Translator.

“My wife has my back. More than the girlfriend. If I ever got in trouble, my wife would be there

My wife shaves my hairy back. “Just that little tuft over my ass crack! Thanks, Honey.” Then I go fuck my girlfriend.

— so I love her too.

Too! Bitch cookie. It’s a given I love my feckless girlfriend. But — behold my magnanimity — I love my wife too. In that reliable Maytag appliance kind of way. Thanks for not crapping out on me. Here’s another load of shit-stained underwear.

But it’s two different worlds.

The man I pretend to be, and the creep I actually am.

My wife and I fuck, but when my girlfriend is in front of me—it’s like: I need that now.

When my girlfriend’s in front of me, it’s like: urgent. Hey, I’m renting this place by the hour. #PrematureEjaculation

We found each other at that perfect moment in time.

On Ashley Madison while pretending to work.

Extensive track records: multiple partners, multiple situations.

Serial cheaters. Multiple partners. Multilevel marketing. Three-ways. Amways. Herbalife.

Then we came together to reach the zenith.

I cheat for the sexual ecstasy. And bad Penthouse cliches.

I know my role.

Naughty school boy… Hells Angel… Raggedy Andy. Run your fingers through my red yarn, Hot Mama.

I can bring her to a certain point.

And then I’m like, “What’s a clitoris and why should I care?”

And a big part of my satisfaction is getting her to that place.

Of frustration. And then turning it back on her: “My wife isn’t needy like this.”

Every time is different,

Sometimes I’m Raggedy Ann. And a very bad pizza delivery man knocks on the door.

or we’ll go through phases: do one thing for a month, put it down, pick something else up.

Sometimes it’s Ubereats. A doberman pincher ate my rag-doll face and only my wife can stitch me back together. Then my girlfriend says, “This fantasy does not turn me on.” And I say, “My wife never talks back.” And then she pick-me dances harder.

It’s never gotten old.

She falls for it every time.

For the longest time I didn’t know her husband’s name, or where he lived.

Why would I care if an orifice has a husband?

But things got too blurred. A couple years back we got caught. It was my fault. I was drunk; wife got the phone.

A cheating drunk. The total package, Ladies.

In therapy my wife was like: why don’t you do that stuff with me?

A couple years back, I got caught. Yet, still cheating. #[email protected]

It’s like, look, nobody checks every box.

I wouldn’t know where my wife’s box was if you gave me a map.

It’s impossible, impossible.

Mythical women’s boxes. They don’t exist.

If your wife checks five, and you got six other boxes—you’re going to check those boxes somewhere else.

Box Kings do not check boxes for others. Box Kings yell, “MORE BOXES!”

This whole monogamy thing is just a story.

I could’ve conned my wife with a handful of magic beans, but monogamy was easier.

It’s made up. It doesn’t work.

My commitments are made up. They don’t work.

Look at nature— the males fuck different females, the females fuck different males.

I’m a veritable Jane Goodall. People fuck. You cannot deny it. Ergo, game, set, match. #evolutionsays

She was like: ‘But you took a vow.’ And I do feel bad. I’m sorry to disappoint her.

Perhaps you’d like to do more therapy?


Always the qualifier.

The bad feeling passed. I wonder what my girlfriend’s doing?

it’s like, you knew this.

You actually knew about that thing I’ve been hiding and lying about for years, even going so far as to do therapy together. To discuss all the ways I could stop doing the thing I’m doing, while denying I’m doing it.

Are we clear?

You can’t be so naïve that you think all the sudden the leopard is going to change his spots.

You can’t be so naive as to think I’d be accountable. I’m a leopard who eats pizza with a fork.

When we first got together—I was cheating on the girl I was with.”

I told her she was a very, very special box.

Who will always have my back.


Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at [email protected]. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • As a huge Humans fan, I sincerely hope that Brandon (author of the page) added this because he thought the guy was such a prick.
    And that no face was so that he wouldn’t get accosted on the streets of New York.
    Hope someone recognizes his hands!!!

      • That’s my hope too!

        I’m no expert, but that looks like a panera flatbread

    • I saw this on IG last night and lots of folks were like, HONY shouldn’t give this guy space. The page is humans of NY, not only good people of NY … I think it’s a service, in a way, to show that these people are real, and out there rationalizing like this, demonstrating how they make their excuses to the entire internet. Blecch.

  • I had followed Humans for years, but immediately unfollowed and blocked the account yesterday after this post. I thought surely they had been hacked. What is wrong with this world?!

  • omg, it’s basically The Rev Cheaterpants’ life goals in one post. Except the origin story part. Except he’s more of an “I tie my own bow ties” brand of sartorially affected guy instead of the French cuffs.

  • Perhaps the widely read blog will expose the bullshit and encourage conversation “Did you see what that asshole said?”

    I recently contacted one of my favorites – NPR’s Hidden Brain – to suggest they explore the impact of infidelity abuse on cognitive functioning and emotional/physical distress.

    • Oh PLEEEEZE Hidden Brain, prove yourself to be the functional, investigative brain podcast I’ve held in high regard and DO THIS!!

      • Although… since infidelity and betrayal became central to my life and identity, I’ve had this same fantasy about several of my favorite radio shows/podcasts (no doubt including Hidden Brain at one point). However, I always come around to the resigned acknowledgement that chumps/infidelity won’t get a fair shake with any major show, thanks to the implicit biases and character/deeds of the programs’ creators and contributors, and likely the outlet higher ups as well. Think it’s a reflection trends and power structures embedded in pop culture and media generally, unfortunately. Thanks to my new chumpy awareness, personal UBT and FW-vision, I have been disappointed so many times by shows I like and respect — run and reported by men and women alike (although I do think the patriarchy and gender are factors in misleading representation and narratives). This was why I was so happy to hear about CL’s upcoming podcast!!! As with the gaps in the infidelity book market when she first published, I’ve not found any podcasts/shows that deal with infidelity and abuse in a way I can feel comfortable with and learn from. I also hope CL’s message will reach a broader audience than the blog, because everyone needs to hear what she/we have to say. Time for infidelity and abuse counterstories to be heard

    • During peak discard, my ability to read, remember and concentrate (not to mention sleep) were severely affected. I had to read and reread a three-paragraph email from my lawyer multiple times before I could understand it. I locked myself out of my office so many times that I started keeping my keys on a chain attached to my belt. I had panic attacks where I literally banged my head against the wall (which I previously thought was just a bad TV trope). I lost 20% of my body weight in 8 weeks. The whole experience really opened my eyes to the effect that stress can have on the mind and body. It’s kind of amazing (in a horrifying way) to learn how vulnerable your “self” is to physiological stress.

      • Same here IG. I had huge problems functioning, weight loss, cardiac arrhythmia etc etc. I was the most scared when I got huge holes in my memory. My psych said it would come back, and it did. But then I had to relive the trauma in different waves. Meanwhile, I always felt like my ex just skipped off into the sunset. Infidelity is really bad for one’s health in every level. This story of the hell of it all needs to be told more widely…

      • IG I’m still wandering around the carpark trying to find where I parked my car two years ago

      • One of my degrees is in English, and I’ve taught at the college level. For three years after Dday I could not read because I could not follow the words, which were always interrupted by my panic and flashbacks. I had to start with “beach books” those crappy and reliably predictable paperbacks suitable for a lazy day at the beach. I had to train my brain again, like a stroke victim. I turned to YouTube, and was comforted by listening to stories of women whose husbands were rapists or serial killers….because it comforted me that other women, reasonable, smart women could be as completely deceived as I had been. What a mess. There needs to be an understanding of just how devastating it is to find out that your life has a foundation of lies, crafted by a person you loved and trusted, who enjoys hurting you.

      • Same physical reactions. It was an out of body sensation. Just numb from the neck up Md nauseous from there down. Read Cheating in a Nushell if you haven’t already. It perfectly describes the physical effects.

    • Speaking of the physical distress, just realized when I visited the barber that my hair-thinning of recent years has totally reversed. I thought it was age, because I’m no spring chicken. Maybe late-summer chicken at very best. Apparently it was just the stress of the chumpdom, divorce, pandemic, and several other things I won’t list, all at once. Cause it’s all back now. This stuff wipes you out.

  • Oops. This guy was meant to be featured in Narcissists of New York, not Humans of New York.

    • Must be trying to compete with NY Times “Modern Love,” where they find betrayal to be edgy and cool.

  • When I read this on HONY, I could smell the narcissism wafting out of every pore of this douche. It was definitely triggering, as I’m sure it was for many. Fortunately, the consensus from the commenters is this effin’ guy is a top-tier a$$h*le.

    • I also was pleasantly surprised and proud of humans when I browsed a few of the comments. Maybe it’s not as hopeless as it seems!

      • Amy Moran calls him out in her comment, and her comment has 20K likes and 193 replies. The original post has 11K angry, 6K sad, and only 7K likes. Methinks the HONY audience is not impressed with the narc douchebag.

  • “it’s like, you knew this.
    You can’t be so naïve that you think all the sudden the leopard is going to change his spots.”

    Classic reverse blaming on the victim of infidelity. Classic not taking accountability for his actions. Also comparing himself to a leopard when he is just a cockroach cowardly cheating in secret on his wife, to get the rest of “his boxes ticked”. So much contempt that made the hairs on my arms rise. I hope his wife kicks boots his cheating ass to the curb, kicks his ass in the divorce settlement and says to him at the end “it’s like you knew this. you can’t be so naive that you think I will put up with you cheating on me.”

    Crazy that HONY, which i equate with inspiring me, would put out such depressing and depraved content!
    UBT, this is your finest work to date! have a Lebkuchen!

    • Agreed, chimpedlindyhopper! Though I must admit that hearing “wife” started her relationship with this FW as a knowing AP made my empathy for her mostly dry up. FW still sucks big time, regardless.

      • Yes, I noticed that too, and felt the same. On the other hand, this man is such a piece of entitled shit, he could be lying about that to justify his cheating on her. Maybe she’ll make her way here, and we’ll hear her side of it.

  • HONY is too viral for someone to not recognize this dickbag. Hands maybe, clothes definitely. Quoted words and story, his wife will know it.

    Just because ding dong didn’t show his face doesn’t mean he won’t be caught. Again.

  • Yuck, just yuck. Evidently this douche thinks he is the modern male. The combination of suave and sophisticate but really all he can be is your average narcissist. Nothing new or even original just a petri dish for new disease. Hopefully his wife will find chump lady and let him go.
    He signed up for monogamy and a wife appliance. She needs to give him his freedom so he can pursue life in the delightful garden of orifices. This reminds me way too much of FW EX. Happily, I was able to file and get rid of him along with getting more than my share of the marital assets that he enjoyed squandering on Schmoopie, hookers and happy endings.
    I am content with my life now and in a better place. Life is so much better without a cheating douche who thinks that being a man means cheating.

    • From his photo and post, I pictured an archetype that Magnolia described to nauseating perfection in a comment some months ago (and CL herself gave kudos to). Can’t recall the actual post for the life of me, unfortunately.

  • He’s every cheater. They are all inhumane. My ex’s eyes changed once he got caught. So ugly. No. Creepy. This guy is ugly/creepy as well. I guess I don’t really want to know how their brain evaluates their choices. No humans here. Keep walking.

    • The change in the eyes once my ex was outed was downright bone chilling. I oft wondered how close I came to being drowned while we were out boating.

    • Lol, Inhumans of New York. I’m a NYC native but have rarely gone back since post-9/11 gentrification and friends who stayed want to leave. I felt like my birthplace had been desecrated when I found out the AP had plied FW to take her to Manhattan for a dirty weekend. But then I remembered they didn’t get anywhere near my hometown because it doesn’t exist anymore. From the secret affair credit card statement, they had a cheesy, geriatric-tour-bus type of experience and might as well have gone to Des Moines.

      Whenever I go back, the only fun I have other than taking the kids to museums is seeing friends and doing the traditional standup comedy complaining about how things have changed but now it’s all about how eerie and dull the city has become. It’s like husk filled with phone zombies, bad chains and grubby little corporate tools like the HONY cheater. Artists and the usual revolutionary thinkers can’t afford rent, are mostly gone and it’s like they took that dreamy feeling of possibilities with them. Diversity is shrinking, racial profiling and stop and frisks are inching back up to mid-aught levels, former ethnic neighborhoods have been taken over by chain restaurants and (according to friends in Brooklyn) are overrun with “neoliberal Karens” who run you off the sidewalk with their two thousand dollar strollers shouting “ExCUSE me!” Monster billionaires have apparently tailored divorce and custody laws for wealthy psychopaths and have managed to make the NYPD even more like a racist private paramilitary than it already was. Meanwhile the trash mountains, hordes of rats and constant stench of urine are exactly the same. Midtown is a little less desolate but Central Park is still dingy, the air is still carcinogenic, violent crime is still high, assholes still shout slurs (and it’s almost like they want to be friends if you shout back since they haven’t seen another native in ages). Pervs still abound while all the consolations are disappearing. Nightlife seems to close up on a provincial schedule and, even after the recent repeal of Cabaret laws, the city doesn’t seem to be recovering from post-9/11 dance hall crackdowns. If you can’t even spontaneously go dancing on a Tuesday night, what’s the point??

      • Oh, my God. That description has scared me so bad I’m hiding under my desk, and I’m in San Antonio. I’m supposed to go to a meeting, so my boss is trying to coax me out with crackers and promises that I won’t ever have to go to New York. (I jest) Really though, NYC has always freaked me out. I have never been there, my vision of it is shaped by Friends and CSI episodes and one David Bowie video. Makes the homicidal maniacs on Loop 410 seem downright cuddly.

        • Susannah– Crime isn’t the biggest issue. That’s gone down since the 90s for sure and it’s now far safer than Chicago, Atlanta and Boston. Toronto’s homicide rate was actually higher than NYC’s a few years ago and NYC has about the same robbery rate as Montreal. The problem is that it’s now like a Disney theme park version of NYC. To compensate for how generic it’s become in many ways, you’d expect zero street crime, zero urine aroma, zero dog poop, no rats, no downtown trash mountains, affordable parking and about the equivalent number of assholes you’d see at Disney World. I don’t think the tradeoff was necessary. There were things that could have been done to reduce crime all along that didn’t involve chasing diversity, culture, artists and hope away or making the city so grossly unaffordable.

    • My ex FW blue eyes turned black during his online howorker addiction. Soulless is what I called them. Lights out

  • I’ve somehow never read HONY (can’t believe it either!). But it does look like this guy is being put on display to be skewered. He is so unaware of what a self righteous creepy douchey misogynistic prick he is, that he said all that to PRINT? LOL!! And then allowed that very recognizable shirt and choice of white wine to be photographed? He will be recognized for sure. I just hope this is the wake up call his wife needed. She can stop going to therapy. Now she can be certain he has no desire to change and has been using her.

    I don’t find that post of a shit human depressing… I think the blogger is hoping to out him. Or really, let him out himself.

    • Agree. “There are 8 million stories in the Naked City” and a lot of them are going to suck. Reporting/retweets are not endorsements. This jerk is so self-absorbed he doesn’t think anyone can see him. Let’s hope his wife gets the message to call a lawyer and then stick a fork in the FW, because he’s done.

  • How he refers to “wife”: not MY wife, not THE wife, but simply wife like she’s a possession or a non-person. My x referred to me as wife in his texts to the sex worker with whom he was cheating on me. I felt so utterly unhuman. He too told our marriage therapist that humans are not into monogamy–when she didn’t agree, he told our children, his co-workers and his family (one brother, a master cheater, agreed with him “monogamy isn’t natural”).


    • Except it is. If he wants to argue animals in the wild, he needs to go check a list of animals that mate for life.

      Barn owls
      Wolves (this one especially. This tears down the “alpha male” fallacy. Wolf packs are actually family units of a mated pair and their pups. There is no alpha male wolf that mates with a bunch of females.)

      • Puffins, Seahorses, Bald Eagles, Albatrosses, Sandhill Cranes, Geese, Titi Monkeys, Pigeons, Parakeets, Vultures, Foxes, Condors…

        • Mantis, black widow, jumping spider, anaconda, octopus, scorpion…

          Oh wait, wrong list. Those are the ones that eat the male after mating.

          Anyway, best wishes to Mrs. Douchebag extricating herself from the situation, by whatever means.


          • Don’t forget the honeybees, who throw ALL of the male bees out of the hive to die in winter, because mating season is over and at that point they are just extra mouths to feed.

      • Good point, Kara. The nebulous, unsubstantive use of ‘science’ to prove a point is always a red flag for me. Screams unscrupulous douchebag gaslighter. They think they’re convincing, when in fact they’re tipping us off.

        • Red flag of a jerk and of someone who doesn’t actually understand the “science” he’s talking about.

          • Kara, FWs never let something ridiculous like facts or the truth get in the way of their unsubstantiated statements they need to back up their shit behavior. It’s not even worth presenting them with proof that they’re wrong — they’ll just double down on more crap. Impossible to win. As they say, never wrestle with a pig in mud…. You just get dirty and the pig likes it.

    • I hate the “BUT ANIMALS DO IT” non-argument. Y’all wanna start like… sniffing each other’s asses as a form of greeting, and defecating on the floor, too? The animals do it! It’s natural! Instinct

      • Here’s one for him, when a younger male lion challenges the established male of a pride, they fight, sometimes to the death. If the younger male wins, the defeated male either sulks away, or is…just dead. The younger male then kills the existing cubs and the lionesses will go in heat and he introduces his genes to the pride.

        So by the animals-do-it logic, if a younger guy wants his wife, he could beat the crap out of this guy, possibly to death. If not death, he could kick him out in shame and, (…god forbid this man have kids) commit murder just so his genes would proliferate.


      • Or how about this one:

        Giraffes fight by smacking their necks together and trying to break each other’s legs.

        Male giraffes drink the female’s pee to see how fertile she is.

        Would he like it in a wine glass?

          • Whether monogamy is natural or unnatural, from the ocean’s depths or outer space doesn’t matter.
            The fact is, he agreed to monogamy when he took his vows.
            I agree to wearing clothes and not shitting on the sidewalk. just sayin’…

    • He sucks, Faithful Rage. Visceral WTF reading that. Sorry you had to see/live through it… and so glad to read he is now ‘x.’

    • FR,

      Ya know, some people AREN’T into monogamy and that is fine. Those people should not get married, or they should marry people who have the same view on non-monogamy. But proposing, taking marriage vows and then secretly cheating on your wife is not excused because “that’s what most animals do”. It’s really such a frustrating stretch he and every cheater who spouts this is making. If you decide you don’t want to be faithful, tell your spouse before you cheat and go from there. Maybe they will agree to some level of open marriage, or maybe you will need to divorce. But this whole “that’s what raccoons do!” is not the flex they think it is. It’s truly pathetic.

      Also, all this talk of “box ticking”, I wonder how many of his wife’s boxes this insufferable FW ticks, if any.

      • I once had a friend who cheated on his wife, justified by the whole “monogamy isn’t natural” thing. I asked him — “Well then, why did you get married?” I will never forget his response: “I don’t want to be a 50-year-old BACHELOR!”
        In other words, I want to appear to be a family guy, but without the responsibilities.

        • He wanted cake. How utterly unsurprising. Dude, you worse than a 50 year old bachelor, you are a cheater. And honestly, what is so bad about being a bachelor if being a loyal husband is not what you want? Live authentically. Nahhhh… he WANTED a wife appliance AND a schmoopie.

          • This is why I can have some respect for somebody like Bill Maher, a lifelong bachelor who is open that he’s not interested in a commitment and will never get married. He’s gross, and I sure as hell wouldn’t want him, but he doesn’t present himself as monogamous to trick somebody into dating him. That’s the way to be if you don’t like monogamy. The guy who didn’t want to be a “50 year old bachelor” is a coward and a weakling who relies on conforming to a socially acceptable external appearance for his identity.

        • Gross FYI! my ex kind of did this too. He said he had to go do it all now before he got too old. He was 50 at DDay. He was tired of sneaking around so he was just gonna have a new GF for awhile but he wanted me to hang around for when he was all tired out so I could take care of him when he was older and ready just to sit down with me while I fetched his dinner. That was his plan! He thought so little of me….

    • I’m starting to really hate the “monogamy isn’t natural” people who get married. WTF? If you don’t want to be monogamous…why enter into that? My ex was like this too…like “one person can’t meet my NEEDS.” It’s so dishonest to not say up front that you don’t want to be monogamous. If you want to fuck a lot of people- cool! Just tell your partner that so they can decide if they’re up for it too. I feel like my ex got married to me so I could organize his life. He enjoyed the structure I brought to his chaos and I was the babysitter, cleaner and such. Then he just spent his free time fucking others. I’m so mad about this level of dishonesty- not just all the day to day lies, but the lie of him using monogamy as a smoke screen while he never really committed to that at all. It’s a one sided con.

      • And that’s what it comes down to, them being dishonest, lazy people who sucker others into their orbit on false promises, so they’ve got someone who will do all the adulting while they fuck around (which gives them the TIME to fuck around). It’s no coincidence that chumps are usually sincere, loving, hard-working, hyper-competent, giving people who put others first. These cheaters don’t choose the ‘crazy, wild and free’ ones to pin down, because they can’t do the heavy lifting for the FW, no those ones are always the fuck buddies that they can work out the kinks with.

        And they’re dishonest because who would willingly buy into, “hey, I think you’re useful, have a steady income, you keep a great house, do taxes and will make a great parent for my progeny, plus I get some regular sex and look like an upstanding member of society, because I have a lovely family (that you do most of the work on). How bout you do for me, while I make you look good by being splendid, but I also get to fuck around on the side when you’re not able to give me the level of attention my ego requires, ’cause you’re too busy doing all the aforementioned stuff, but that’s okay, I won’t rub it in your face, and if it threatens the stability of our arrangement, I’ll apologise for a while and concentrate on you until you get distracted again by doing for?”

        Who would willingly sign up for that? Noone. Hence the dishonesty. (And of course not many of them are as blatantly transactional about it, or at least admit it to themselves, but those that come from backgrounds where they’ve been used to others making way for them, or from abusive upbringings that have brought on a ‘I deserve this’ victim mentality, will have an ingrained sense of entitlement one way or the the other. As we all know, they will go to crazy lengths with the blaming and projection to justify themselves)

  • I saw this on Twitter too. Blocked Humans of NY. Massive narcissist alert. Douche Canoe. Reminds me of my ex. He was dating someone when we met too. We were 19. He had been dating her for 2 years. We met 6 months into University. He said he had been trying to break it off with her for 8 months. Two weeks after we met he broke it off with her. 6.5 years later (at 26) we were married. I don’t know how many women he had been with during our 22 year marriage. I don’t think he cheated in the early years. We went to work together and came home together. I think he started either after my daughter was born or my son. I was a SAHM and 90% of my time was spent on my kids (one on the Autism Spectrum). The next 10% was him as he was at home for probably only 10% of the day. 0% was on myself. This entitled POS in this piece sounds exactly like him. Smug. Thinks he can have it all. I hope his wife reads it and gets 60% of everything. Judge: Why do you think you get 60%? Wife: Shows HONY article. Judge 70%. Next.

  • Actually, this is an excellent view into the thought process of an entitled cheater. I didn’t want to believe my xh could think like this, but he did, and worse. Let’s face it most cheaters are never going to tell you the truth, BUT if I had an inkling of his “truth”, I would have been in a much better place for recovery. I think I would have healed much quicker and with less self doubt.
    Narc cheaters of this caliber are never going to give chumps any consideration. They don’t really give two shits about what you want or need.
    I ALWAYS say, “What goes a long way in persoanl recovery? Knowing the truth.” I said that then and I mean it even more so now.

    • 💯 @Magneto. This is clear evidence of exactly how cheaters think of others: as objects for their use and abuse.

  • It’s a shame they cropped the photo this way. I would like to know what peak vapidity’s face looks like.

    Imagine being an adult and simultaneously thinking this deluge of word salad makes you look cool. Yikes.

    • Look up that federal judge who was involved in the mifepristone case, Kacsmaryk. He might be the world’s nicest human and this is totally unfair, but when I think about what peak vapidity looks like, that’s the face exactly.

  • Maybe I’ve just been here too long, but I was completely unfazed by this. If anything, I think it’s kind of a service to chumps since it shows so explicitly that cheating is a problem with the cheater’s character, not a problem with the marriage. This guy is surely portraying the most sympathetic possible version of himself, and he still can’t find anything bad to say about his wife. His only complaint is some lack of sexual novelty (not completely specified) and even then he acknowledges his wife offered to meet his sexual needs and he responded “no thanks, I like my solution better”. This post is a powerful unintentional rebuttal to the “she drove me to it” narrative.

    Notice that – consistent with the “it’s all about me” nature of adultery – he can’t spare more than a couple of sentences to talk about anyone other than himself. This isn’t how people who are actually in bad marriages talk; nor, for that matter, people who are actually in love.

    • Excellent point. Hopefully if chumps can read this and rightfully go “wtf” when he rolls out the “what did she expect? she didn’t check my boxes right!” line of bullshit, they can also extrapolate to their own situations.

    • The more I focus on poor character, which cheating is about and lying and cheating proves, the less I care about the details of what Traitor Ex actually did.

      People of good character don’t lie and cheat and screw around with people who are in committed relationships (who are also character disordered).

      An affair is an inherently dysfunctional relationship, comprised of character disordered individuals. Marriage does not remove that. It doesn’t matter how long they stay together. “Together” is not character. Marriage does not confer character. Only character is character.

      • Exactly this:
        An affair is an inherently dysfunctional relationship, comprised of character disordered individuals. Marriage does not remove that. It doesn’t matter how long they stay together. “Together” is not character. Marriage does not confer character. Only character is character.

    • “This guy is surely portraying the most sympathetic possible version of himself, and he still can’t find anything …” GOOD to say about himself!

    • Yet he’s still such a coward he won’t show his face, because he knows there’d be blowback (from family, friends, his job).

      Cheaters think they’re so smart and love to gloat when they don’t think they’ll be held accountable.

  • Oh, he says that monogamy is not natural, but I would bet my paycheck that this guy would be bullshit if his own wife claimed that she was having an affair because he simply didn’t check all the boxes.

    I also just want to say that CL’s response was spit-out-coffee funny. I was about to copy and paste one truly laugh-out-load bit, but I can’t choose. 🤣

    • Total agree, Spinach. If monogamy is so unnatural, why agree to it? Why expect it of a wife object? Why hide anything? If Asshat is so damned sure monogamy isn’t natural, why pretend he’s willing to offer it?

      (Answer: To dupe a partner into becoming a servant and a mommy and take care of all those pesky responsibilities and routines that are so beneath him. And maybe destroy her pelvis birthing a kid or ten he helped create, then ridicule her for not having a pregnancy body anymore, to keep her feeling bad about herself so he won’t lose her as his socially normalizing beard.)

      I’m so tired of the ego-fractured whining of cheaters. “Monogamy isn’t natural! I have needs! She wouldn’t do all these nice things for me if I didn’t lie about my cheating, so my lying is all her fault.” Poor whiny toddler, no empathy and all self-focused needs. News flash for ya, Son. Adults aren’t supposed to think toddlers are sexy. And speaking for healthy adults, I can assure you, we definitely don’t.

      I’ve said it to men I’ve known in my life, when they say their wife doesn’t really seem interested in sex anymore, in non-cheating contexts. I’ve actually said, “Could it be that you’ve become less interesting to her because she feels more like a parent than a partner? Does she have to pick up after you? Do you keep yourself and your house and car clean? Do you treat her like her opinions matter and deserve action? Do you whine and act petulant when she asks you to do something, or sneer and mock when you disagree with her? If you act like a teenager, she won’t view you as a sexy adult. That’s only natural.” Can’t tell you how often that sort of thing is met with awkward silence followed by a muttered “maybe”, and it’s not at all just men doing that.

      • Those who believe that a great sexual relationship in a long-term committed relationship is automatic probably also routinely kill houseplants.

        I used to say about Traitor Ex that if I were a plant in his garden, I would be dead.

        The concept of sex as barometer and end result of what happens outside of the bedroom went right over his head, though it was clearly explained.

        After DDay I realized it was not that he didn’t get it. It wasn’t his objective.

        Previously I did not know that cheating is the objective, not an Either Or Contest. It’s the entitled pursuit of dopamine and oxytocin generated by a secret sexual double life and fueled by character rot.

      • It’s not that complicated. If you’re not willing to hold your spouse’s hand in the afternoon, don’t expect sex that night.

        • Those two sentences alone are worth more than everything Esther Perel has ever written, Almost Monday.

      • I love it Amilsfree that you ask those questions. They are truly so valid. I was never married long enough to get to this point, but it was long enough to understand it’s truth.

  • Honestly this guy is such a greasy cliche that all I can do is roll my eyes. If he is real, and there are so many around I have no doubt he is, he would spit nails and screech with rage if he found out his wife was getting her “box” filled else where.

    Thing is these ass-wipes think they are so fantastic they deserve more.

  • I often wish for warning labels on humans. The ability to reveal oneself, courtesy of the internet and social media, is pretty close to having my wish granted (and makes me realize why humans weren’t designed with a mind-reading feature). In my daily exposure, it’s easy to lose more faith in humanity than I gain. The comments on the story are the antidote to the nausea and disgust with which I was overcome with.

    I hope someone ID’s the cretin’s arm and shirt, alerts his wife, she puts him on the curb with the rest of the garbage, and he shows up on the side piece’s stoop with his crap in a garbage bag.

  • My ex asked me to shave his back the night before he told me that he “ met someone” and left after 28 years married. I was blindsided, had no idea he was cheating or even that he had issues with being married.
    His affair partner is our daughter’s age and they are married now.
    I’ve been released from back shaving, the only thing I wish I could change is I should have let the razor slip.

    • I, too, provided some grooming services for him, not knowing I was doing so to help him look good for the AP. I even applied a soothing balm to his massive, upper-thigh, fish tattoo not knowing he and the AP got the same tattoo together.🐟 I even recommended that he have the tattoo artist fix the fin because it didn’t look quite right. . 🤦🏻‍♀️

      I’m 3 1/2 years from D-day and still become enraged when I think of how much he used me.

      I’m sure my ex also justified the shit out of what he was doing. He really had the same attitude as the FB poster: He said that he stilled love me and that sex was still good, BUT she flirted with him and..shazam…he had to have her. And, because Spinach is a vindictive bitch, who can’t forgive, he just kept the affair going for almost 3 years. #myreactionwastheproblem.

      He and the AP got married one year after D-day. Guess all the boxes are now checked. 😜 🦄

      • My ex used to extol the virtues of his crush to me as if he thought I would be part of a mutual admiration society.

      • Spinach, no matter what the future holds: You never, ever have to look at a massive, upper-thigh fish tattoo ever again.


    • I will never again shave a man’s back, pop a pimple or extract a blackhead. He’ll have to pay an esthetician, plus a tip. I saw a long handled back shaver in the Brookstone catalog 🪒🤣

  • I just…can’t. Of all the things to talk about that define you, this man-toddler chose…this. His greatest accomplishment. It’s a straight up un-apologetic brag! He’s talking to other men as well because women are just supporting cast members in his life. Who are easily replaceable.

  • This glorifying of bad behavior is supposed to be edgy. It’s not. I was so sad over the weekend because I discovered another piece of irreplaceable treasure the Human Wasp stole from me: my ability to love full blast.

    I know that sounds drippy, ridiculous, and like a HallMark whore…sobs in a rainstorm, rips Donna Karan wrap dress…I’ve lost my ability to love!!! Sob. Gulp. Mascara runs.

    We were at a friend’s house whose sister is dying of cancer, at the end of her journey . Her husband was there, popping in to borrow our heated mattress pad and he said: All I can do at this point is spoil her rotten.

    I sat there thinking, the clouds of conversation muted to me now, like Charlie’s Browns teacher, because of my overheated brain. Petting the friend’s obese lab Clyde (so sweet) I thought: But wait….. Should you spoil her rotten??? What if she is lying to you? What if she is secretly texting boyfriends while you wait on her hand and foot as she gobbles oxys as you bring her milkshakes? What if they are taking the money I make (you see…now it’s ME) and sending it to old girlfriends? What if when they were well, they cheated on you, and you did not know… and now you are a chump for taking care of them?

    I wish I was not this way. My mind has become a deformed creature, one who is always watching for The Signs. I still smile through bleached teeth. I still dutifully send the I love you texts. I participate. But I am permanently…disfigured. I never stop playing Sherlock. I never just believe it took you 2 hours to be seen at Great Clips for a cut and beard trim. (Really? Maybe I will call. Ask the wait times. I don’t need to ask which Great Clips, because I was tracking you the whole time on our iPhone Find My App). I was not this creature before I was chumped. I can’t get it back….. that lamby innocence.

    We calculate the cost in dollars sometimes. And yet he took something from me and raped it dead- a guileless outlook, an open heart, a belief in people’s innate goodness. Who is good? Who is honest? Ha!

    No one.

    • If he actually was at Great Clips, and it just so happened to be the same Great Clips that the Craigslist cockroach from my story works at, I’d be willing to bet he was not there getting his hair cut but in a car in the parking lot receiving other salon services.

      In my case, Traitor Ex often disappeared from the house on weekends, not saying anything to either me or our daughter before he left. When asked where he went upon arriving home, his excuse was down to the boat, up to our business, the car wash, the hardware store, etc. I asked him more than once to let us know he was going somewhere. He never did.
      Of course after DDay I knew why.

      Hugs to you.

    • Oh, yes, I know this takeover of loving feelings by cynicism and doubt, because now I can always accept that anyone can have a double life.

    • For some reason, my version of this is that every time I see a mother with a new baby I think “You poor thing. You’re stuck with the father for the next 18 years now, whether you like it or not”. Absolutely not logical (I love babies, and I’m the father!), and yet there it is.

  • I’m actually quite happy he posted that story. It’s validating to those of us who keep telling people-this is not a ‘two to tango’ bs craziness. Look-right from his own mouth-this is how they think! HONY is too big, someone will recognize him. Expose all the grossness of their thoughts, maybe it’ll help someone who’s stuck in the RIC.

  • How many boxes were there that his wife couldn’t check off when assessing him? Asking for a friend.
    Before the shit hit the fan years ago, I would have read this and said it was totally made up. Now I’m sitting here with everyone else here going “yeah, that’s the playbook”.

  • Willing to bet the AP fakes her “zenith” as a component of her pick-me dance, to stroke this guy’s massive ego.
    Because are cheaters ever really that good in bed?

    • No. They actually suck at sex. I didn’t know just how bad he was at it until later. I could never figure out what the Schmoopie saw in him as he was her third or fourth (I’m told) married dude. He wasn’t particularly good looking, didn’t have a pot to piss in, and wasn’t that good at sex. The only thing that I figured is that he was the first one that was scared enough that his wife would find out if he didn’t leave. Which I guess is the whole point of being a mistress. If you can get him to leave, you must be something super special. Ugh. Perpetual pick me dancing.

  • Great UBT. I really expected better from HNY too. How do you go from Tangueray to this BS? Nothing about this person is interesting or original… NOTHING. Just another lying cheater being a lying cheater. Pathetic, not empathetic, drivel. At a minimum, he should’ve had the courage to show his face so his wife could know to dump his ass. #cowards #hnydobetter

  • The trope about male biology being so strong that they are driven to “spread their seed” and “find multiple partners” is so abhorrent. ExH used it all of the time, and must have done it so well that he got his partner pregnant. Gross. Just gross.

  • I can only hope that due to the anonymity afforded this douchebag that it leads to a whole slew of wives in NYC kicking their cheating husbands out the door.

  • Typical cake eater. Their head is typically so far up their own ass, they don’t understand how shallow, transactional and underwhelming they come across.

    • Honestly I agree. I don’t think my ex fw even remember half of what he said to me during the discard phase, and after. Heck he likely didn’t even remember a forth of it.

      They just spout BS long enough to get away.

  • I’ll bet his wife KNOWS!! I bet she is vacuuming for bread crumbs as we speak! I’ll bet she just had twins and is sleeping in the nursery on her yoga mat. She may be taking a nap while he comes out of the fog! I bet they are in couples therapy #forevertogether. I was born and raised in NYC and those ladies are tough but it’s expensive to live alone! Family is nearby! Daycare is close. You weigh your options. I’ve seen lots of cheaters in my days in the city. My hope is, CN can pump up the narrative. Of course I cannot judge. I was chumped in Texas and Missouri. It’s the same story. Is this relationship working for me and how much toxic waste can I swallow before I’m no longer me? Spackle no more, run!

  • The French cuff, chardonnay and pretentious rationalizing remind me of “The Triangle of Sadness” or “The Menu.” Now I’m picturing him bloated and bobbing face down or wearing a flaming marshmallow suit. Shudder. And what a perfect example of junk science consumer. The same idiots who glaze over or make fart noises when Greta Thunberg explains distribution of climate budgets will suddenly raise a pinky and turn intellectchull when it comes to evolutionary apologias for titty bars and cheating. Look at nature! The last time this guy saw nature was when a pigeon shat on his monogrammed velvet loafers.

    Speaking of fussy fictional scholars (“zenith!”), he sounds enough like Humbert Humbert that I’m actually relieved the side piece is at least old enough to be married and not 11. Some might think location lends an air of sophistication to the portrait but the sight of a middle aged guy sitting in a cafe facing the street and day-drinking alone in Tribeca looks just as sad-sack and spooky to passersby and wait staff as a compressor salesman in a Waukesha dive bar at noon. He has to be pretty drunk if he thinks his wife isn’t going to recognize his stubby, hairy little arm or gingham sleeve.

    “When we first got together—I was cheating on the girl I was with.” So he’s saying his wife started out as a knowing side piece? Whether or not he’s doing the typical cheater thing of confabulating his spouse’s awareness, he’s clearly explaining the fine print in the side dish contract: if you cheat with ’em, you’re barred from complaining when they cheat on ya.

      • Lol, I tell my kids that one of the main reasons to get educated is to combat the “intellectchull” arguments used by every breed of scumbag, fascist, con artist and psychopath. They seem to especially love sciency-sounding spin.

        • Here’s to being edumecated, as Eddie Murphy’s character said in one of his movies 🤣

    • “The last time this guy saw nature was when a pigeon shat on his monogrammed velvet loafers.”

      “the sight of a middle aged guy sitting in a cafe facing the street and day-drinking alone in Tribeca looks just as sad-sack and spooky to passersby and wait staff as a compressor salesman in a Waukesha dive bar at noon.”

      ZZZING! I’m lmao, and I don’t even know where Waukshea is.

      • Waukesha is about 12 miles east of Wauwatosa, 65 miles north of Waukegan and is apparently the 17th drunkest city in the US. 😀

  • Haha, I replied to two posts in a row and got a pop-up message that said “you’re posting too fast, slow down”. Sorry you can’t keep up, website, I type 90 wpm!!!! Ha!

  • This is the perfect complement for the drivel written by the side-piece woman that CL has featured before.

  • CL, your dissections of these FW missives are always hilarious. But for some reason, today’s made me sad. So much entitlement, self-regard, obliviousness to the reality and the needs of others. Again and again and again.


  • He thinks himself a leopard?😂 I would say that a leopard does neither change his spots nor HIDE them. You are clearly hiding as we can’t see your face. Fake self-confidence, pretentious yapping and a non-existing Biology knowledge. He looks extremely boring even with one hairy arm exposed.

  • The part of this that makes me mad on Yosemite Sam levels is this: “It’s impossible, impossible.”

    Because it’s entirely possible — even easy! — to not be a cheating douchebag, as long as you’re a sentient human with free will and principles.

    • “It’s impossible” translates to; “I don’t wanna! You can’t make me!” said in a pouty, snotty teenage voice.

  • So, it’s possible I’ve been watching too much Succession. That said, I think our mystery man is Kendall Roy himself.

    Can anyone else hear him saying, “Then we came together to reach the zenith”? Or, “it’s like, you knew this”?

  • “Sometimes I’m Raggedy Ann. And a very bad pizza delivery man knocks on the door.”

    “I’m a veritable Jane Goodall.”

    That GIF!

    Oh, this UBT was delicious. What a revolting individual. I hesitate to say anyone is worthless and subhuman…oh hell, who am I kidding. No I don’t. He’s worthless and subhuman. If anybody wants to start Subhumans of New York, here’s the first one. He reminds me of that despicable stockbroker, the guy who called his wife “wifey” and his kids “my spawn.”

  • I was at a friend and former colleague’s funeral yesterday. She died in a car accident at 71. Her husband is the same age. They have been married for 47 years. They could not have children which was a sadness. They are, however, the most engaged, inspiring aunt and uncle that I could have the privilege of knowing. My friend’s husband was in shock, grieving, bewildered, overwhelmed by the death of the love of his life. I chatted to him and he said that he was overawed by how many people loved his wife and that he could understand why they loved her because he loved her too. He thought he might fall into the category of spouse who dies of a broken heart within a few months of her death. I said I hoped that wouldn’t be the case. That’s what being married looks like. That’s what being a man looks like. That’s what love looks like.

  • For once in my life I’d like to hear someone say, “My wife is my girlfriend”!

  • If his current wife knowingly helped him cheat on his then-girlfriend, then my sympathy wanes. Marrying a disgusting douchebag isn’t a magic douche-cure.

  • Oh so so typical. Monogamy is just a story. You’re my favorite dessert but everyone eventually needs variety. The bonobo monkeys have different partners. I love you both. Why can’t we all just love each other. Blah blah blah.

    Four years divorced. Haven’t seen him since before the pandemic. Just a few emails about visitation and child support.

    Even so— get this: He married the OW. They have an open marriage and just last week mentioned to our 24 yr old how great it would be if I could join him and the OW/wife on their vacation to Mexico- conceivably for a threesome. This was said to our daughter (!!!!!) while she was out to dinner with them.
    Like WTF!?

  • Methinks our Modern Day Metro, Tragically Hip Renaissance Man has a very pedestrian, old school, tired trope Madonna/Whore complex goin’ on. yawn

    Wife asks in therapy, “Why don’t you do that stuff with me?”

    Honey, that’s not ‘the box you tick’ in his brain, in his psyche, in his emotional or sexual landscape, through absolutely no fault of your own.

    This dysfunction has absolutely zero to do with the wife, as we all know.

    Junior here married his equivalent version of his mom. His actual mother was no doubt his Mom Appliance.
    At ‘the appropriate age, Junior swapped The Mom Appliance out for The Wife Appliance, yanno, to avoid those socially awkward stares and whispers. Then he went and found himself an emotional maturity equivalent playmate.

    Never fear, Junior will get busted again He’s simply too trite to avoid it. In fact, he seems to be daring it (if this whole thing is actually real; I mean, WHO DOES THIS???)

    And if so, then (as we all know) it’s up to the wife to define herself.

  • Upon further consideration (more than it deserves)
    What is this ‘My wife has my back if I’m in trouble’ nonsense???


    Second, Shades of Mom, Again.
    Is your wife gonna come pick you up from the police station if you get caught shoplifting? Buying beer with a fake ID? Busting curfew? Like, oh, I don’t know, YOUR MOTHER WOULD???

    Whereas your equally underage ‘girlfriend’ won’t help you, BECAUSE SHE CANNOT.

    Gah. The initial PoNY letter reads like a fake Penthouse Letters submission written by a fourteen year old.

    It’s, cringe worthy.

    If it’s real (I cannot quite bring myself to believe that an adult man would be that ridiculous) then I hope the author has followed the interwebs here.

    I can just see him stomping about, having an “I AM NOT TRITE!” tantrum, LOL.

  • Why does this profile get anonymity? So many people have laid their most vulnerable moments bare, and surely gotten some scathing comments as a result. Why does this weirdo get to be an exception? What has he done to earn privacy, except abuse the privacy he already has?

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