Dear Chump Lady,
Below is a pretty decent story of karma and consequences, combined with my heartfelt request for a UBT submission.
Background: Ex is a serial cheater and cheated on me with eight or nine different affair partners over the 10 years we were together. There were undoubtedly more, that’s just what I am aware of. He cheated on his partners before me, on me, and the partners after me. He had all the narcissist behaviors. He lied, cheated, blameshifted when caught, emotionally abused, emotionally dysregulated, zero empathy for anyone but himself, etc. His behaviors permeated all of his relationships, including his professional life. He cycled through jobs like he cycled through partners. I have so many crazy stories, but you’ve likely heard it all.
Anyhow, after a family therapist suggested he was a narcissist, I started researching, found CL via a Google search, and when the final D-Day happened in 2016, I attended a local Chump Group meeting two weeks later. The rest is as expected. I did counseling, read books, lots of Chump Lady reading, received support from Chump Nation on the old site, and I still regularly read and contribute to the current Facebook group. Life is fine, the job is good, I have good friends, hobbies, etc. For the most part, life is boring- – and boring is awesome! I’m content! Seven years later, I don’t care what he does other than I occasionally laugh when I hear something.
There was a point a three or four years back where I tried to have cordial contact with him for the sake of the kids and the dog. Some concerning things were going on that peripherally included him, so I went no contact again. Since 2016, he has gone onto cheat on his girlfriends and recently remarried in a whirlwind. I do not know this new wife, but my understanding is they are perfect for each other. She apparently has a history that rivals his. It’s kismet.
Here’s where the karma, consequences, and the UBT request come in. I was going to submit this story to your recent karma stories post, but this story was/is still developing. Then I got a UBT candidate and decided to write you. Here goes….
My ex is smart, well educated, well employed (Ha!), fairly well connected, and is a member of the bar. While he was still a newlywed last year, I received messages from friends (he doesn’t know are friends) that they saw dating profiles of his. He had attempted contact with one friend. Then a month or so ago I received a messages from a friend that he had put up yet another dating profile. He’s so predictable, predictable, predictable.
Then last month, apparently the cops were called and he was arrested on some sort of harassment charge with physical contact, thus a domestic violence enhancer. A class 1 misdemeanor where I live. I suspect wife discovered the cheating and a domestic disturbance ensued, resulting with him going to jail. (Where I am, anytime the cops are called to a domestic disturbance, someone goes to jail, it’s the law.) Having a DV on your record does not bode well for bar membership or bar penalties, not to mention employment or business opportunities. So, it was in his best interest to hire a really good attorney. However, apparently he has missed one of his court dates and now has a bench warrant. Not sure why he did that, he knows better. Maybe he left the state to go have the sadz for a while. Call it karma or consequences but either way, he’s in trouble. He has imploded his life, again, and this time it’s going to take a tad bit more work to recover. He doesn’t know I know about these recent, juicy mishaps.
Here’s the UBT part. As if all of that isn’t enough, I recently received the following email from him. I haven’t had any contact with him in several years. I take it he’s in some sort 12-step program, maybe for sex addiction (IMO, he is not a SA, he just likes power and kibbles). Maybe he has offered this program up to wife to repair their short marriage so they don’t have to sell the house they just bought and get divorced. Maybe it’s the agreement so she doesn’t testify against him. Who knows.
Will you please run this through the UBT and provide words of wisdom for myself and other chumps?
I am on the 12-step path to recovery. I am not recovering from alcohol, but from fear. Step 9 says I need to contact those I have hurt, and unfortunately, your name is on the list.
At first, I felt that I should just leave it alone and pray that God had given you healing. I even told my counselor it was not my place to say anything and reopen old wounds. I am not so sure now. So, here I am…
I can see now that my fear of abandonment took over in our relationship. You could never love me enough or do enough to make it go away, because I was not ready to admit it was a problem. I ignored my fear and let it turn into anger to justify my selfishness. Obviously, I have carried it with me now for many more years. Probably just as obviously, it has caught up with me. God had to hit me with a 2×4 to get the message across. It was not a good experience and I am in a world of hurt right now. I am not asking for your help or your sympathy, I am only asking for your forgiveness.
I broke your heart. I am sure I made you feel like you were not enough and then didn’t accept the blame I deserved. I believe you did your very best to save me and save us. I let you down. I am not sure any apology I can offer now can make that right. I am here though asking for your forgiveness.
If ever you need my help, I will be here to do what I can.
Okay, my guess is he’s in some court-ordered sobriety program so he doesn’t reoffend. But who knows the ways of fuckwits? He’s in a pickle. You’re good kibbles. Maybe you can throw his bail. Worth a bullshit email.
The poor man has a fear of abandonment addiction? Holy timid forest creature! Prepare the weighted blankets at once.
I don’t have any words of wisdom on this. (Heat the blanket first? Serve with graham crackers and a bedtime story?) But I can feed it to the Universal Bullshit Translator.
I am on the 12-step path to recovery.
I am on the 12-step path to disbarment. I’ve completed steps one through ten: criminal harassment, assault, whiny-ass baby man excuses… Thought I’d line up a chump or six as the consequences hit.
I am not recovering from alcohol, but from fear.
Fear, that saucy temptress. Bungee jump from this 15-story office tower! Let spiders crawl on your face! Be emotionally available!
Step 9 says I need to contact those I have hurt, and unfortunately, your name is on the list.
It’s not me violating your boundaries, it’s the steps.
Unfortunately your name is on the list. Walk past the bouncer and enjoy front stage passes to my psychodrama disco.
At first, I felt that I should just leave it alone and pray that God had given you healing.
How ever can you get over me? Dare I touch the open wounds? I pray that God has given you healing from the chlamydia.
I even told my counselor it was not my place to say anything and reopen old wounds.
I have a counselor AND Jesus. How do you like the new me?
Listen, I told my counselor, and God, and the steps to leave you alone, but they said NO, Cheater. Your fear of abandonment is just too important.
I am not so sure now. So, here I am…
Behold this timid forest creature. I am but a vulnerable kitten rolled on the carpet of atonement, showing you my vulnerable underbelly. Stroke it. Send it bail money.
I can see now that my fear of abandonment took over in our relationship. You could never love me enough or do enough to make it go away,
But I was perfectly happy to watch you try.
No, over there! Missed a spot. #dancypretty
because I was not ready to admit it was a problem.
Because I was not ready to admit I’m a power drunk asshole who gets off on goading people into humiliating contests for kibbles.
I ignored my fear and let it turn into anger to justify my selfishness.
A therapist said this to me. I thought, “That’s an excellent bit of mindfuckery. I’ll have to use this.”
Obviously, I have carried it with me now for many more years.
I wear my fear like a hairshirt.
Probably just as obviously, it has caught up with me. God had to hit me with a 2×4 to get the message across.
These aren’t the consequences of my shitty behavior. It’s God smiting me with lumber. Really God? This is how you do me? A frightened man, with FEAR ISSUES and you go all Old Testament?
It was not a good experience and I am in a world of hurt right now.
Could I have warm milk with those graham crackers?
I am not asking for your help or your sympathy,
I am asking for your help and your sympathy. And warm milk.
I am only asking for your forgiveness.
For the crime of hiding my fear. Not the wandering of my dick.
I broke your heart.
I am so powerful. Give me a hit of your pain and centrality. Kibble reserves are low.
I am sure I made you feel like you were not enough and then didn’t accept the blame I deserved.
A therapist said this to me. I thought, “That’s an excellent bit of mindfuckery. I’ll have to use this.”
See how I accept the blame now! By not specifying what I did, but only speculating about your feelings on it, which underscores how important I am? And laying the reasons for my double life on some squishy Timid Forest Creature bullshit theory? Which focuses all the sympathy back on me? Accountability!
I believe you did your very best to save me and save us. I let you down.
God I miss your pick-me dance. It’s still not too late to save me!
I am not sure any apology I can offer now can make that right.
Yeah, so why bother?
I am here though asking for your forgiveness.
Twice with the forgiveness request, and no apology. Just fill in the fuzzy blanks yourself and imagine whatever repentant ex-husband mirage you wish to believe in. And send money to PO Box 366, Cheaterville, USA.
If ever you need my help, I will be here to do what I can.
Like maybe you break down by the side of the road with a flat tire. I’ll do what I can. Which is jack shit, because tires! Who understands them? I have a fear of galvanized rubber. The important thing is, I had a thought. About you! And isn’t that flattering?
Sincerely, Man Who Needs an Angel Investor in His Crazy
ContentChump — don’t break the no contact. Crickets. I have a feeling he cut and pasted this to everyone on that long “list.”
Wasn’t there a show about this? “‘My Name Is Fuckwit” I think it was called
Yes, and a song…”I Am Fuckwit–Hear Me Whine….”
My daughter got similar rot about forgiveness for her father’s crazy treatment of me when he was going through some Landmark Seminar thing (it’s reincarnated EST). It was a ploy to reel her back in because it looked bad to his new target that his daughter was ghosting him after boasting he was such a good dad.
They want the world, but don’t deliver a crumb.
Oh my goodness. A Landmark weekend was where the crazy began for me and my kids. Authenticity vomit = world turns on its axis for so a 10 and up. Heartbreak and trauma that continues 6 years on, and for goodness knows how long for my children 😔
I truly appreciate this Confirmation They Suck And Don’t Change story and hope the writer is feeling much better after being married to this sap.
Traitor Ex wanted 10K from the business for a Tony Robbins seminar. He thinks a weekend with Tony will fix what the 12 step programs he faked his participation in and the excellent therapists (who called him out) couldn’t. I said no.
I did agree he could give Tony 10K of his own money.
I’m glad you got away, Content Chump, and I’m glad the rest of us did too.
$10k face-spittle sprinkles have magical healing powers!!! 😂
Tony Robbins, a Perel fan, seems like the Pied Piper for cheaters everywhere. For all his flowery humanist lisping, I once saw Robbins attempt what looked like “attack therapy” on a chump. There was a blonde, middle-aged woman in one of his filmed seminars who spoke up about overcoming her divorce. You could tell that she’d already been brainwashed by RIC therapy to “accept her part” in the “power struggle” of her marriage. She had a chumped or even battered aura and, from the fact that her voice was still quaking a few years out from divorce, it seemed like the RIC split-blame approach had done fuck-all for her ability to heal. Though Robbins had just been gooily nicey-nice to some nubile young thing who’d asked a lame question, Robbins reared on the divorced woman with a sneer and, in a caustically cynical tone, said something like, “Well you tried to withdraw love as a form of control but it turns out men are better at it.” He left the woman humiliated and fighting back tears.
I immediately guessed Robbins was a cheater with some kind of scary sexual compulsion. One of my weird little red flags for rapey types is that some seem actually enraged when presented with a member of their target group who “comes close to” but doesn’t quite meet their rigid physical specs for body type, age, hair color, whatever. They act betrayed, like that person tried to “trick” them by having a few but not all of the traits they look for in victims. Robbins face showed he was disgusted by the woman before she opened her mouth to ask a question. My guess at the time was that he prefers blonde prey but this woman disappointed his hopeful dick by being over forty and carrying a few extra pounds. How dare she! He didn’t have enough information on the woman’s situation to spew his analysis of her marriage but he clearly wanted to cut her off and shut her down because, probably like I did, he sensed she’d been victimized in some way and, in his world, no victim should ever be allowed to speak freely, which– dead giveaway– is the supreme law of batterers and rapists.
No surprise when exposes came out a few years ago charging Robbins with sexual assault against a minor, harassment of staff and fans, adultery (he apparently began dating his second wife while she was married and he was still married to his first wife) and berating victims of domestic violence and rape. From a Buzzfeed article: https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/janebradley/tony-robbins-self-help-secrets
“Robbins’ private events said berating traumatized women and blaming them for their reactions to abuse is a dangerous strategy.
‘It’s not only secondary trauma, but a secondary assault,’ said Ruth Glenn, president of the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. ‘This behavior from a self-touted self-help expert is just beyond egregious.’
‘We are alarmed that he’s using his platform to ridicule victims privately and publicly,’ said Jodi Omear, an executive at RAINN, the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network…”
Thanks, Hell of a Chump. I got the ick from Tony Robbins back 15 years ago when FW was really into him. Shoulda known…
People who self promote their ability to fix your life are charlatans in suits. Human beings are more complex than that.
There is a book (I have still yet to read), the title is: If You meet the Buddha on the Road, Kill Him.” Yes, there are some who have genuine wisdom to share but gosh, so many fakers.
Same here. Since I was a kid I’ve always gotten the ick from men who use a kind of lisping or treacly voice to convey empathy or seem warm. That’s only true for straight men since certain vocal traits might be used to convey identity in LGBT circles and don’t mean the same thing. As far as I knew, Robbins was supposed to be hetero so it set off my creepdar. At one point I read a quote from Robbins that seemed pretty insightful and made me feel a bit bad for knee-jerkedly writing him off so I checked out a Robbins video to hear more. That’s when I saw the exchange I described. My first reaction turned out to be right. That’s not always true but it was in this case.
Thanks for bringing more attention to what a piece of shit Tony Robbins is. Guy’s got a ton of bad stories like this and I’m sorry people are still giving him money.
I’ve been on the 12 step path of recovery since 1985 and this letter is complete horseshit.
It’s not Well People Anonymous. Like everywhere else in life, please vet character. Claiming membership or attendance alone is not a yardstick of
recovery or character.
My ex periodically texts or leaves messages saying that “I don’t know who I was back then,” “I was another person then,” and “I don’t remember what I did. It’s a fog, like another person did them.” Like he accidentally turned left instead of right while driving. Or was possessed by someone else.
Nope. Not buying it.
Yes! I got a lot of “I was mentally ill,” “I don’t know what I was thinking! I can’t believe I acted like that.” It’s all a fog for FW, a blurry mistake that continued for years. He couldn’t be responsible for his actions–it was as if a temptress (read: sex worker) took control of his mind and body.
“I am not the same person I was then.”
That’s it, the sole reason she has given as to why we should have a “better” relationship. To me, no contact is better than a relationship with an unrepentant cheater.
Him: I was another person then.
Me: So was I. The new me doesn’t give a sh*t about you.
Goodfriend, when I heard something similar from Traitor Ex, I said, “You lie so much I am sure even you don’t know who you are.”
They actually don’t
Similar excuses from my FW. “I didn’t know what I was doing”. “I thought it all meant something so I followed it”. Yeah, you followed your dick into strip clubs for years, stalked women and dated all throughout our 30 year marriage. But…”I’m the man you deserve now”. Bullshit. I deserve so much better.
” “I was another person then,” and “I don’t remember what I did. It’s a fog, like another person did them.”
It may well be. But he is still accountable.
Still accountable. Exactly!
It may be true that they don’t remember or that it was like someone else was doing it because of how they compartmentalize and switch to different facets of themselves.
I remember reading something about a fictional character with a cube for a head. The cube had a different face on each side and the creature turned it to whichever face suited the situation.
The memory is a little fuzzy. Did we talk about that on here?
So yeah, they might be telling the truth but no matter which face did it, the other faces are still accountable.
Wow. This one is a glowing turd of entitlement, he is.
Life has taught me that scared people are mean, so there could be a tiny wiff of truth to what he says, but it doesnt matter. He is like my Cheater with depression – he had a cross-to-bear and instead of dealing with his challenge, he picked up hit cross and used it beat the shit out of everyone within 50 feet of him.
So we all know the solution to this is no-contact. I think one benefit to this cautionary tale is the clear picture it can give newbies. Those hoping that their Cheater is Special and they may have a Unicorn could benefit from this tale. Someday, the staff in the nursing home will wonder why no one ever visited and left him to die alone.
Or perhaps the staff will know exactly why, especially if he had been there any length of time!
“…he had a cross-to-bear and instead of dealing with his challenge, he picked up his cross and used it beat the shit out of everyone within 50 feet of him.”
This is so spot-on. I have never heard this concept described better.
There are some people who are unforgivable….don’t ever forget that bc it’s discernment and it will save you❤️.
I’m with CL….this smells cut and pasted. Stick to no contact.
My mother went through an extensive program about forgiveness. I then received a similar letter from her. Honestly, couldn’t tell if she forgave me, for existing. Or telling me, why I have to forgive her. It’s definitely all about her. Her pain, her experiences, her expectations. It should feel like a confirmation of my feelings about her terrible narcissistic behavior. Nope, more like , I said I’m sorry, get over it. Somehow she suffered more, by hurting me.
You just have to trust that they suck
This just makes me feel tired. LW isn’t quite at meh – she still is getting too many updates about her ex – and this letter from her XW is just another hurdle to overcome. She’s already spent more time and energy than he deserves writing to CL about it. It’s a hard enough process without someone circling back around to dredge it all up again. I feel vicariously exhausted for her.
Sorry – that should be XH, obviously, in my comment above. Perhaps I’m projecting some of the same tiredness from my own situation (with reversed genders).
I generally agree with the NC rule and not “checking up” on FWs but violence adds a certain wrinkle. Former victims of DV will periodically check what’s going on with past abusers to see if there are any red flags for renewed danger. By rights, authorities should be doing this but it’s generally left to survivors themselves. Because it’s a repugnant, emotionally risky task to be stuck with, some might do it with a kind of gallows humor like the OP in the post (in case anyone assumes the OP’s humorous attitude is just gratuitous and casual. It might not be).
Anyway, I think if there was violence in a relationship, vigilant checking-up is clearly not about making perpetrators central but basic safety. Many DV murder victims die from civility– because bystanders, authorities or victims themselves didn’t want to “overreact” and weren’t quite convinced the abusers would go to such extremes. Oops. In hindsight it will suddenly seem stupid that people weren’t keeping an eye on whether the abuser had moved closer to the victim, whether the abuser had developed an interest in guns, whether the abuser was preoccupied with a new victim or had recently been dumped or lost a job or stopped grooming (red flags for “having nothing to lose” and potentially becoming more murderous), etc.
What might be less clear is if there was a hint or whiff of violence that didn’t quite manifest. That can leave survivors in a sort of no man’s land where they can’t quite confirm whether their own behavior during and after the relationship was genuinely motivated by fear or “codependency” and less sure about how far to take future safety measures. Now that the ExFW in this situation has been charged with assault and, to the extent this proves he always carried the capacity to be violent which likely charged the air around him even if in intangible ways, I think it settles the question of whether gnawing fear might be a reason a former victim would compulsively keep tabs. It’s a bit like trying to get a better look at the spider you glimpsed under the bed that had a few suspicious markings but you’re not sure what breed it is. Now the OP knows it was a black widow and all that silly jumping on chairs and paranoid peering under furniture she did in the past weren’t so silly or paranoid after all. I think that confirmation can fill in gaps in the “traumatic narrative” and, more importantly, is a good guide for future actions. She’ll know it won’t be silly or paranoid or “uncivil” if, in the future, she calls the cops if the guy shows up at her door or if she turns heel and bolts if she ever encounters him in public.
Thank you for pointing that out. My son lets me know when his dad is out of town for work because I feel safer during those times. It’s nice to know he’s not around and I don’t have to look over my shoulder. I know some people might accuse me of not being meh but I’m completely over him, I just enjoy being alive and he told me point blank how much he wanted to murder me. If a random, psychotic stranger wanted to murder me, I’d like having an idea of where he is also.
I relate personally. It’s been decades but I still occasionally check up on the doings and geographical whereabouts of the workplace psycho I criminally convicted and sued for stalking and assault. If he ever crosses my path again, I’ll do a #MeToo, publicly expose him with court documents and set about retrieving the uncollected quarter million + interest in awards.
I never bothered to collect the court award initially because he was too big a loser to make it worth the effort. Since he works in media, in theory his fortune could suddenly shift. I’m sure my lawyer would like to recoup costs and it could make a nice trust for my kids. But it’s unlikely his loser status will change and the real power of the award is that I effectively get to dictate where he lives and breathes, which is nowhere near me and mine. The fact that the jury ruled for malice means he can never declare bankruptcy and the debt will be over his head forever. Consequently, I suspect he prefers to steer clear of me.
Justice to me is never again getting another flutter of nerves over running into the guy for the rest of my life. It’s like he’s dead. I just sometimes check to make sure he stays dead. I’m not sure how anyone could call that codependency.
Last time I sat in his physical presence, a few months ago (bc unwell teenage son) all I had was, you are a joke. No emotional reaction. Just, you are so limited, I am free of you. Yes, he cries poor despite multiple overseas trips, and son still requiring big (mental) health expenses … I’m not even shocked or upset anymore. Sure I work my arse off to cover support workers etc. (co tributing factor father abandonment issues) … this is just how it is, I don’t believe in chasing sunk costs. Let it go!
H o’ Chump,
Once again, I benefit from your deep thinking on all things chump.
My Cheater never assaulted me yet his behavior was steeped in violence. He drove dangerously in rages, held my head in a wrestling lock and told me he could snap my neck, told me that I deserved to be beaten, and warned that someday he could commit a mass act of violence. Very recently, I have developed a theory that he threatened mass violence to scare me into telling authorities and when they would have approached his educated, successful self with no history of violence, I would look crazy and his narrative would be progressed. There were moments I was afraid of him.
He never assaulted you?!
Unicornomore, those vile things you describe *are* assault ! I’m so sorry you went through that. Fucking *bastard* ! 😡
You had good reason to be afraid. Holding your head in a wrestling lock and making threats like that were, as follows, felony assault and felony terrorist threat (https://www.criminaldefenselawyer.com/crime-penalties/federal/Terrorist-Threat.htm). I think in most US states the assault would automatically be marked as a felony if you were living together at the time.
He belongs in prison. It’s sort of a myth that batterers chiefly rely on violence to control their prey. It’s worth repeating that most operate on a “beat-by-need” basis and typically opt for less athletic, less legally risky methods of terrorizing victims into line. The most effective never have to lift a finger. His attempt to preemptively set you up to look like the “crazy one” sounds typical of the top tier of skillful abusers.
Oh wow…yes, he did have his own brand of terror.
I think that he dropped dead because God had had enough of his shit. So surreal now to reflect on the fact that I would have never ever hurt him and that what he did was battering.
What he did has a name and a criminal code. You deserve a badge of courage. Stick with people who know that about you.
Hell of a Chump,
Incredibly well said and spot on!
I agree. Shore up the no contact. That said, this sort of dreck feeds the UBT and provides entertainment for us all, so I cannot scold that much.
Love your work Tracy and UBT!
ContentChump – you say you’re free of this guy after seven years but there is a LOT in your letter about all the updates from friends, all the details of his love life and who he cheats with, and his court dates. That’s not “I don’t care and we are NC.” That’s you still letting this guy drain your bandwidth. Disengage!
He’s showing up at your place driving his cement mixer truck. It’s loaded with 50 tons of the discontinued shade, ‘last ditch effort’ spackle.
His incredibly ambitious plan is to pour it out on the crumbled bits of walls he sees laying before him.
He’s so used to controlling and manipulating everyone in his life and he just knows he’s too special to be the victim of any horrific life choice consequences. That’s for the little people.
He’s just WAY too uncommon a man to suffer mere mortal man’s consequences.
Can’t you see it in your heart to forgive him CC?! The tumbling tower can be reset anew if you’re heart is big enough to just forgive and forget. He’s may consider changing your flat tire some day, now it’s your turn to do something for him with all his fear, hurt and spackle dust covering everything. ( as the sadz whistle of the karma train is heard moving ever closer in the distance)
Love your mixed metaphors!
Accountability doesn’t expect forgiveness. Accountability for heinous, abusive behavior would look like such horror about the behavior that forgiveness wouldn’t even seem like an option, so the request would never hit the table.
Accountability for serial cheating would look like this:
“I’m doing personal work, and it’s clear to me now that the way I treated you was abusive, cruel, and completely morally wrong. You bear no fault. It is entirely my fault and completely unacceptable. No apology exists that comes close to covering it. I have no expectations of you and I’m not asking for anything from you. I’m only sending this to express some small shred of accountability in case it can bring you even the smallest amount of peace and healing. You won’t hear from me again. I wish you a beautiful life.”
No self focus. And absolutely no whinging for forgiveness, or even for acknowledgement.
Then it means realizing he wrote it for himself and never delivering it to the chump — because showing up in the life of your abuse victim is revictimizing. He would put it on his bathroom mirror every day and read it at least once a day.
THAT’S what accountability from a serial cheater looks like.
That would be some unicorn.
Great comment about accountability, except that it doesn’t include owning the motivation behind the actions. It sounds like it just happened, which let’s them off the hook. I adjusted part of what you wrote as an example.
“I’m doing personal work, and it’s clear to me now that the way I treated you was abusive, cruel, and completely morally wrong.”
“I’m doing personal work, and it’s clear to me now that (I made the intentional choice to treat you in a way that was abusive, cruel, and completely morally wrong for my own benefit.)”
“It’s clear to me now” is what Judas would write to Jesus about betraying him, instead of admitting it was for 30 pieces of silver and gaining favor.
How much would we all love to have that sent to us!!
The UBT never fails to cut right through the bullshit… thank you CL! Gonna keep this in my wallet for giggles: “A therapist said this to me. I thought, “That’s an excellent bit of mindfuckery. I’ll have to use this.”
If I had a nickel for every Trader Joe’s gift card filled with words of “sorry… sorry… it won’t happen again”… and I always loved this one “we need to fix us”… he was definitely reading up in the world of the RIC. I keep those cards in my divorce binder along with the copies of phone records and emails to hookers and personal ad profiles. My cognitive dissonance was so horrible in the beginning, I used to believe his “sorry” was real. It wasn’t. And flipping through that binder in my early days after discard and divorce help keep me in the present and in reality of who he is and will always be.
I encourage you to think the same way – kinda like yesterday’s post… delete the email and take the $5 you found in your pocket and buy an ice cream cone. Liars lie like we breathe.
That is why no contact is so important. This email above needs to be tossed in the trash. No answer required. That’s the nice thing about 12 steps, it is about their journey not you needing to forgive or forget or re-engage.
Enjoy the silence of no contact.
I got: “We need to be nicer to each other.” I know now he only really meant that I needed to be nice to HIM no matter how horribly he treated me, but oh, how I twisted myself up to be “nicer” to him when I was young.
I soon learned he had no capacity to truly be “nice”
Tracy and UBT some of your best work! Absolute gold 🥇
Walk past the bouncer and enjoy front stage passes to my psychodrama disco!
Tracy, this cracked me up.
They perfect the cut and paste technique in all areas of their life. Pretty desperate.
I liked “ Prepare the weighted blankets at once!”
Such a non apology. It wasn’t me it was the “fear”.
Exactly. Blaming fear is such a great get-out-of-jail-free card.
This might be a good Friday challenge:
“It wasn’t me it was ……”
“Blaming fear is such a great get-out-of-jail-free card.”
Right? Oh I was afraid my employer was going to fire me, so I embezzled enough to live on after.
I have developed a rule for myself, part of my own self improvement program, and it works! I do not listen to or believe any diagnosis provided to me by anyone I suspect of being a FW. There are a zillion theories that explain to us all why we do what we do or think what we think. If we are researching for our own consideration, these theories are fine to consider. If we are trying to explain away our actions to an offended party, these theories are not admissible in the court of my sanity. I simply don’t care. I’ve had some therapy. None of my therapists has had my permission, or felt the need, to share any of their theories with others. I am the client. I am only concerned with my own behavior. If I determine I owe someone an apology, I offer it, without trying to deflect the blame for my action. For me, that is the only true apology.
I have experienced plenty of what I would call dysfunction in my life. My family tops my personal charts, but I also have contributions from employers, teachers, co-workers, and random angry people in the grocery store. When a FW tries to explain away former bad actions due to something as vague as fear, my only question is why would you spend any of your time considering this feeble attempt at communication?
I have my own theories about why the FWs I come in contact with do what they do or say what they say. It doesn’t really matter if I am correct in my assumptions. What is important, for me, is I avoid these folks at every opportunity I can. I endure if I must be in their presence. I do not give them credit for offering explanations. I just want them to go away. No contact is the only theory I need to believe in. It works.
I am not trying to be flippant. I have people who were part of my life that I loved and cared for. I have tried to understand or decipher their actions. But the bottom line is they hurt me if I am around them, and I have better things to do than be abused. I enjoy the snark of the UBT, and I find humor a useful balm to help recover from the trauma these FW’s cause. Seriously though, my advice is don’t waste your time. Their current “why” is no more important than past “whys” or future “whys”. You’ve got better things to do.
One thing I’ve taken from being a chump is knowing now how to cut loose those toxic people.
If I’m not mistaken the “apology to people you hurt” step has a few qualifiers. 1) Don’t reach out if doing so will cause that person more pain. 2) Nobody is obligated to forgive you and you must accept it if they don’t.
Great content for the UBT, but please no more contact, Content Chump. No more listening to anything about FW from anyone… and no replying to emails or anything from FW — block if possible (unless you need to keep loose contact strictly for the kids).
He could have sent you an email saying everything correctly… apologizing with all his heart and soul… offering you mountains of cash…. or that he grew wings and a unicorn nose. Musings of a FW are all lies and manipulation. They might as well be AI generated…the words come from a source without a soul.
Just make sure that anything you get from him is met with crickets 🦗
” They might as well be AI generated”. Love it, spot on.
Being in Easter season, this letter struck me as one that Judas could have written. Read It again with that in mind.
You are not your Ex-Husband’s therapist, you are not responsible for his mental state and you do not owe him forgiveness. In your shoes I would just delete the email and remain no contact.
“I broke your heart” and Humpty Dumpty couldn’t put it together again, is that what he’s saying? Yeezus, what an ego. No response is a response & it’s one that I’ve been enjoying using towards my ex….just returning the favour & showing him how unimportant he is to me too.
Oh, how I love the UBT !🤣😂🤣
A couple of thoughts; firstly, CC, why are you in a position to know all this about the fuckwit ? Why is he able to email you, if you’ve been NC for several years ? NC isn’t just no texts, phone calls, emails etc(unless you *have* to because of children, in which case, *only* discuss child related problems), it’s NC in your *head*. That’s very difficult to do, I know, but it’s exponentially more difficult when you allow channels of information about whatever the fucker is up to into your life. Believe me, I truly understand how tempting it is, especially if the info tells you the fuckwit is imploding, but it really doesn’t do *you* any good for your healing, and *you* are the one who matters, not that piece of shit. Please shut all that crap down, for *you*.
Having said that, you did provide the UBT with a delicious morsel! 😝
I don’t know anything much about 12 step programs, but surely they can’t be based on such self-serving, manipulative, and ignorance of what words actually *mean* bullshit ?
A 12 step program tells him to recover from *fear* ? (if it really did). How utterly idiotic. Fear is a very sensible emotion, when confronted with something dangerous, and you don’t recover from it until the fear is removed.
This Step 9, which *directs people to contact those they have hurt* ??!!! Are there no qualifiers for this ? You just bulldoze your way into someone’s life, irrespective of whether they want you to or not ? Because it might make *you* feel better ? Fuck’s sake.
This screed of self-serving bullshit was absolutely nauseating. Please, CC, *block* this moron, pay no attention to his snivelling whinging, and *stop getting updates on whatever’s going on in his pathetic life*. You’ll feel a hell of a lot better for it. xx
“This Step 9, which *directs people to contact those they have hurt* ??!!! Are there no qualifiers for this ? You just bulldoze your way into someone’s life, irrespective of whether they want you to or not ? Because it might make *you* feel better ? Fuck’s sake.”
No, in a proper step 8 and 9, there are lots of caveats to contacting people you have hurt. The first one is, “Don’t contact someone if doing so would hurt them further.”
A competent sponsor would also advise you to be considerate in your approach so that you’re not, for example, dropping an emotional bomb on someone’s lap while they’re at work.
Thanks for that information. So presumably the fuckwit doesn’t have a competent sponsor.
Or maybe the whole thing is just utter bullshit, he doesn’t attend a 12 step program at all, and he got the info off the internet so he could fuck with CC even further ?
Who even knows with these goons?
I sponsor people in a 12 step program, and I can say with absolute confidence that this is not a proper amends. If a sponsee showed me this letter to debrief, I’d be like, “wrong, do it again.”
Also… a 12 step program to recover from fear…? The hell?
I was going to comment that if I had put a 9th step letter like this one in front of my sponsor before doing any amends she would have returned it covered in red ink. Totally off base.
Interesting read but… not at meh, not even close. Way too invested in his life.
Cut/pasted is right. A REAL apology addresses the exact behaviors. My XH used to attempt one by saying, “I’m sorry for the things I did that hurt you”. I would ask, “What specific things?” then watch him squirm. Having to catalogue the many, many ways he had been a complete a$$wipe was too painful for HIM.
I am ContentChump and submitted this email. Tracy’s UBT is golden, as usual. Thanks so much for the work she does.
No, I did not reply to the email. It’s been a long time now since I’ve had a negative emotional reaction regarding him, nor do I have any desire to interact. Maybe I’ll never be at true “meh”. Sleuthing is part of my career, it’s second nature. It’s just too amusing and educational to watch what they do from afar, to watch human behavior. Me and a bunch of local recovered chumps sometimes laugh and attempt to predict the outcome of whatever current chaos any particular FW has created. We can’t help ourselves. Like driving past a car wreck without looking, or observing a bad science project. Oftentimes, we are right….thanks to what we’ve learned here. Also, I do think that sometimes you get lucky and Lady Karma gives you a front row seat.
I hope that new Chumps read this and see that they do not change.
In this case you’re not solely a former chump but someone who seems to have had a close brush with an individual who’s turned out to be quite dangerous so your reaction is understandable. I think all of us have a primitive part of our brains that can pick up on even the subtlest cues that someone in close proximity to us has the potential to be violent. It wouldn’t really matter if your ex hadn’t been overtly violent with you since it’s now been proven he always had that capacity. Since abusers channel an inordinate amount of psychic energy into masking this dangerous “smell” with charm or self pity or whatever, the core of abusers’ gaslighting is convincing prey that they (the abusers) are harmless. I’m not insisting this was the case but it’s highly likely you were frog-boiled in that “danger smell” for years while this FW waged war against your intuition to make you feel like your nervous flares or sleepless nights were self-induced. If you find yourself almost giddy with relief these days and finding humor in some of these things, it’s no wonder. You just dodged a serious bullet.
I worked in advocacy and moderated survivor groups and a lot of survivors would manage the stress with humor. On occasion a few dumb observers would show up and assume the outbursts of hilarious banter meant these survivors were faking victimization but nothing could be further from the truth. There was a study showing that WWII POWs who engaged in gallows humor were more likely to survive German prison camps so advocates never mistook use of gallows humor as a sign that what survivors had endured wasn’t serious. We even had a term for the tendency: “dancing on the carpet”– inspired by a survivor’s description of someone dancing and laughing in celebration on a magic carpet that just whisked them away from danger. In short, just because you and other members of your group manage to find something entertaining about studying deviant human behavior doesn’t mean this wasn’t inspired by serious events.
By the same token, the tendency to study the enemy isn’t idle either if there was any hint of violent capacity involved. CL and CN tend to warn against “untangling the skein of fuckupedness” to the extent that it continues to make the cheaters central which plays into cheater’s sense of self importance. “Untangling” can be a serious trap where survivors start assuming abusers can be fixed. But when survivors are well past the point of getting sucked back in and especially when there was danger involved, studying enemy MOs can be about predicting the enemy’s future actions and also avoiding people who give off the same red flags in the future. Like Alexander Pope put it, “The proper study of mankind is man.” A good incentive for study is basic safety.
Personally I agree with the emerging view that cheating is a form of IPV or intimate partner violence, not just because it involves typical elements in common with DV like coercion, control, gaslighting, robbing of sexual agency, financial abuse, trauma to children and direct endangerment (STD risk), but also because I never encountered a battering victim who wasn’t also cheated on. In fact, I’ve started to suspect the core of domestic violence is enforcement of sexual double standards (sexual freedom for perps and none for victims) so it’s not actually surprising when cheaters commonly turn out to be violent. It’s all on the same continuum.
If you find yourself checking over your shoulder to see if anything’s gaining on you, that’s also no surprise. You may have dodged a bullet but there might be more bullets in the gun. Apparently there were since the guy has now been charged with a crime. The question is whether any of the “bullets” left in the chamber have your name on them. The email hints that there might be. I wrote another comment earlier about the tendency of abuser survivors to keep tabs on former abusers and how, if there’s any hint of violence involved, it’s different than idly letting an ex “live in your head rent free.” Knowing what a past enemy is up to can be useful for predicting future aggression.
The reason I’m saying these things is because, in my experience, random onlookers might not understand why you’re reacting the way you are. If you’re not quite clear on it yourself (also understandable in the case your ex-AH wasn’t directly physically abusive or threatening and, because of this, you haven’t been encouraged to define your experience with him as fear-inducing), that could leave you open to suggestions that your attention to the issue is proof of “codependence.” Again, the fact that the guy eventually *was* violent is proof this was something that could have been felt all along. Any whiff of violence means that applying “codependency” to the survivor is inappropriate.
It wouldn’t be codependent to get an order of protection.
Hell of a Chump,
Fear for one’s safety? Times of thinking, this could end badly? You betcha!! Seems like this goes without saying for many who have experienced the emotionally dysregulated. Scanning your perimeter is about awareness, preparation, self preservation. Paying attention to your instinct is Gavin De Becker’s mantra.
ContentChump– “Checking the perimeter.” Aaah, the reassuring ring of military terminology. Quite appropriate and it makes it clear you’re totally on top of this. Wishing you peace and safety.
I’m glad that you didn’t respond.
After the legal mess completely died down (no custody issues or need for contact), multiple members of my legal team reminded me to let it go unless it was TRULY something legal.
It does make it easier in the end.
Content Chump – If you still share a minor child (or even a dog) with FW, you may want to consider a change to the custody arrangement because this guy is going off the deep end. That is the only relevant basis for further inquiry. If you don’t have a minor child together, you should block this turd.
I’m a leader in a twelve-step group that addresses a variety of issues, and this seems so very off on multiple fronts. For one thing, most of these types of groups require discussion with a sponsor for a sanity check before embarking on amends. If a sponsee of mine presented an email like this for feedback, I would point out problems in the approach as Chump Lady flagged. Particularly, you do NOT repeatedly ask for forgiveness. Forgiveness is NOT assumed. I always tell my sponsees not to expect ANYTHING back. If they do come back with something, be a good listener and enter into what they have to say. Watch for defensiveness. Amends are about “owning up and showing up” on your own junk, period. I’m also not sure about “recovery from fear.” That’s a little different too.
Personally, I would not feel obligated to respond. If you do respond, maybe, “Thank you for your thoughts. Have a good day. X” If he rages back after your non-response or minimal response, he is truly NOT working the program.
I’m not going to share details (of course) but it can be a revolving door with these programs. Those who stay and truly work the program are rare, but it works if they do.
Hey! My chronic cheater (men and women- oh and he likes to expose himself & jerk off in front of women🤢) is an AA superstar who lied to his sponsor and would take me to his “birthday meetings” and say from the podium that he loved me- while screwing chicks in the room. People knew, but did nothing… keeping “your side of the street clean” amiright? I guess that “you’re only as sick as your secrets” is just a suggestion. I’m sure contentChumps ex will find a poor victim (who is at her wits end – ends up in a room for help, and exploit her). And look – I know “that’s not supposed to happen!!?” But it does, and there is no authority or checks and balances and the members won’t do anything. I guess this is for content chump: he’s a serial liar and probably a narcissist. All these steps are pretend. It’s the long con.A court probably made him go because of his DV (along with other criminals) . He needs a paper signed. RUN
There are certainly bad sponsors and sick groups out there. Such corruption often comes from the top, IMHO. I’ve heard horror stories, of course.
Predation is very real and something I always warn new women about.
People truly can get “kicked out” though for what you relate. We’ve done that several times after multiple warnings.
I assume he is 40s or 50s. Exactly how does he think this garbage is going to work? He gets a character transplant? He sure has his sponsor fooled.
You are doing fine. He isn’t, he hasn’t and he won’t. Leave him alone to his nuttiness.
Who needs help from someone with a bench warrant? And a fearful someone at that?
I tell you, the things people will do to feel good about themselves…
If you’re actually afraid of abandonment and terrified your partner will leave you, then you try to be a really good partner or do things to prevent them from leaving you. Sometimes to an unhealthy degree, but you try to keep them from leaving you, you don’t cheat on them. Nothing about being afraid of your wife leaving you makes you thrust your dick into random women. I’m so tired of people using psychobabble to excuse their selfish and abusive behavior. He’s such a scumbag.
The FW abuser in this case has a) committed criminal abuse and b) is on the lam so, if it were me getting the creepy email, I’d immediately turn the email over to relevant authorities and seek an order of protection. Even if this turned out to be unnecessary, it would hardly be overreacting.
Like someone else here wrote, the FW in this situation is probably not wrong that his root disorder began as fear. Dueling, internally generated fears of abandonment vs. engulfment are the core of reactive attachment disorder which apparently begins with unreliable and evil caretakers in infancy and childhood. It makes the “sufferers” seem very sad sausage until you have the sobering realization that reactive attachment disorder is the root disorder for batterers (of which he is apparently one) and serial killers. It’s not about whether offenders like this are immune from fear but *what* they fear as opposed to what they don’t. Their fear is focused on consequences to themselves. What they don’t fear is doing grave harm to others.
Another thing that makes this FW’s admission of “fear” unsympathetic and scary is that, just like how every accusation from a narcissist is actually a confession, every confession of vulnerability by a batterer should be taken as a potential threat of what they have in store for victims. In this case, I’d take a wild guess the abuser might be seeking to instill fear in victims. It might be more to the point to instill fear of intimacy but I’m sure instilling any kind of fear would do. That’s because all abusers live by an inverted golden rule whereby they will always do unto others what was previously done to them. If you look at what kind of damage an abuser does to their victims, it typically matches the way in which the abuser had been damaged in childhood. It’s something called reenactment compulsion but abusers typically replay their own past trauma (from childhood or whatever) with victim/perpetrator roles reversed. I guess it begins as a typical attempt to “rewrite” past events in an attempt to resolve them and change the outcomes. But abusers add the twist of playing the role of powerful abuser rather than helpless victim as a way to resolve their former sense of helplessness. What makes abusers intractable is that, through some process of “maladaptation,” some eventually get off on replaying events with victim/perp roles reversed, actually derive pleasure from harming and betraying others.
Anyway, again if it were me getting an email like this from an abuser like that, I’d be bracing for further spooky drama to come. Hopefully he’ll run out of steam or direct his psycho tractor beams elsewhere but I’d probably invest in an alarm system and ring cameras just in case on top of getting a protective order.
Your definition of their behavior makes sense. Young girls, 16 17, 18, 19 who have babies are trying to redo their own childhoods, which is then passed on to their children. It’s a very sad, circular life.
It’s true that children from abusive homes generally experience puberty at earlier ages and tend to engage in “fast life strategy”– becoming sexually active at younger ages. It’s said to be part of nature’s “live fast, die young, leave a lot of spawn” response to violent environment (true in war-torn or crime ridden regions even if the family of origin is generally positive). The difficulty with children having children in order to have someone to love them is that teens haven’t even had a chance to grow up and learn that love is only supposed to go in one direction until children are of age– from the parent to the child. Even the healthiest teenager wouldn’t have enough or the right kind of love to fill all of a baby’s emotional needs in the first place since the teen is still forming an identity.
So I don’t know if I’d call that reenactment. Maybe more of a love vacuum? I also think the concept of reenactment is too liberally applied to victims who find themselves entrapped by an abuser. The old assumption was that all victims “sought out” someone who resembled the victims’ past abusers as a form of compulsive reenactment. But more current research shows that victims of domestic abuse are no more likely than the general population to have been abused or traumatized in childhood. It’s not a popular fact since it suggests DV can happen to anyone. Furthermore, clinical research argues that abusers channel more psychic energy into image management than normal people and also gravitate to jobs where they can play “hero” or rescuer. So the fact that most abusers are doing everything in their power to wear the disguise of being exceptionally harmless, cuddly and safe might only suggest, if anything, that women– whether they were traumatized in childhood or just from being female in a sketchy world– tend to seek protective partners.
Once entrapped in abuse, victims from different backgrounds might behave in different ways but this still doesn’t really support the idea that victims from bad childhoods incur more abuse or are less likely to escape. Since abusers operate on a “beat-by-need” basis, reserving their worst abuse for victims who resist, it could mean that someone’s high self esteem and relatively unmarred childhood may be a liability in domestic violence. There are also reports that individuals who’d experienced trauma in childhood might be more effective in escaping abuse than those without previous experience. There are too many factors to create blanket assumptions about victims, including the idea that victims are “reenacting” anything by being drawn into abuse.
The only parties involved with domestic abuse who have predictable backgrounds are abusers who invariably grew up either witnessing or experiencing abuse and then internalized the worst of what they experienced. They’re the most prone to “reenact.” Something else that’s not often noted about sadistic abusers is that they have a tendency to periodically get enmeshed with bigger sharks and end up being victimized at times. If anyone’s a glutton for punishment and “looking for Mr./Ms. Goodbar” to reenact their terrible pasts, it’s probably abusers themselves.
An addiction medicine specialist and doctor joked he couldn’t have kept a raccoon 🦝 alive when he was a twenty year old 🤣
“Their fear is focused on consequences to themselves. What they don’t fear is doing grave harm to others.” perfectly stated, thank you
What made me realize that fear itself isn’t the problem but what is feared was the poem “Fears” by Yevgeni Yevtushenko which begins with the line “Fears are dying out in Russia” and goes on to say,
…I wish that men were possessed of the fear
of condemning a man without proper trial,
the fear of debasing ideas by means of untruth,
the fear of exalting oneself by means of untruth,
the fear of remaining indifferent to others,
when someone is in trouble or depressed,
the desperate fear of not being fearless
when painting on a canvas or drafting a sketch.
And as I write these lines-
and I am in too great a haste at times-
I have only one fear when writing them:
the fear of not writing with all my power.
He keeps saying “forgiveness”. I do not think it means what he thinks it means.
Whenever somebody brings up that word with me with my ex, I asked him what they think it means. And it tends to be society’s view of MY absolution and excuse, without any mention of HIS accountability, empathy, and self-reflection and improvement.
Yet it seems these assholes are SO CONCERNED with its receipt from us. It’s only to makmake themselves feel better about what happened, not their victims.
OMG, Content Chump. Maybe my ex-FW is yours too? My ex-FW is also an attorney who ended up with a DV charge for assaulting his “wife” — the one he married in Vegas while he and I were still married and I was clueless. So, he’s an attorney who committed felony bigamy and also misdemeanor assault. He got lucky that the bigamy charge was never pursued — I didn’t want to ruin his employment prospects while we were in the middle of our divorce, so I never returned the Vegas’ cops call to me. I think they just said, “forget it.” I also never turned him into the bar. On the assault charge, he hired a really good attorney who got it diverted/expunged so long as he attended anger management classes, which he did.
I didn’t think it was possible for someone else to have a similar story, but I should have known — these FWs are all the same. No matter how outrageous the story, another FW has done it too.
CL nailed it. FW copy and pasted this into god-knows-how-many emails. FW mail merge.
He didn’t actually apologise. What a manipulator.
OMG this is awesome Chump Lady and the UBT has outdone itself again.
Do not respond to this pathetic non-apology! Do not be one tiny bit tempted. This is a trap set by a narcissist freak. He’s mastered the sorry not sorry manipulation. No contact. Let he and his new wife enjoy the drama until she leaves him. You got this!
Well this guy’s a load of BS. Almost every 12 step program out there discourages participants to make direct amends where abuse, including marital fidelity, was involved as that is considered too painful for the person cheated on. Thus, indirect amends is the suggested option, where the participant just live a better life and perhaps try to do something positive for the chump from afar, like donate to their preferred charity, without ever letting them know…meaning, the sad sausage gets no credit. Obviously, most cheaters can’t live without getting credit or being let off the hook, so they use their 12-step programs as a reason to harass their victims. Don’t bite. This guy is ignoring the rules of his own program.
Thanks for this information, NotANiceChump. I’ve commented before on the 12-step apology I got from my FW. It felt insincere and seemed like merely a step to check off of a checklist. I had actually seen his “apology checklist” beforehand, so I knew it was coming. I was so upset by it that when he started speaking, I cut him off and basically told him that I wasn’t a step to check off of a list and that he’s not supposed to apologize, he’s supposed to make amends, and I hadn’t seen any of those. Makes sense that they’re not even supposed to try it with someone they’ve abused. It was early days, and it was extremely upsetting.
Once you reach meh, doesn’t matter if the person is sincere or trying to blow smoke up your derrière. He/she is from another place. Another time. Wishing all of you the joy of meh. It comes, even though you may not believe it right now.
“Prepare the weighted blankets.”
Hang in there CC!
This bilge is crying out for a re-write.
I am on the 13th step of my 12-step court ordered bit of tiresome fakery. I am not recovering from alcohol, but from fear of my dick going moldy if I don’t release it from the prison of my jockeys to the sunlight and then use it, and I mean use it often. Step 9 says I need to contact those I have hurt, and unfortunately, allegedly, according to my therapist, your name is supposed to be on the list.
At first, I felt that I should just leave it alone and pray that God had given you herpes like He did me, so that we can commiserate. I understand from mutual friends that He did. See? We do have things in common! I even told my counselor it was not my place to say anything and reopen old wounds. I am not so sure now, because I do like reopening old wounds. So, here I am with my trusty box cutter.
I can see now that my fear of penis mildew took over in our relationship. You could never love me enough or do enough to make it go away, because I was not ready to admit that crotch mold was a problem. I ignored my fear and let it turn into anger to justify my selfishness, which is totally justified. Obviously, I have carried it with me now for many more years. The burden is crushing me! What are you going to do about it?Probably just as obviously, it has caught up with me. God had to hit me with a 2×4 to get the message across. Actually, I hit my wife with a 2×4, but same thing. It was God working through me. Consequences are not a good experience and I am in a world of hurt right now. So what do you intend to do about that? Huh? I am asking for your help, your sympathy, and the use of your vageen, at least until schmoopie cools off about the 2×4. After that too, if you’re into it. 😉 I am, of course, demanding your forgiveness, which you have no earthly reason to refuse to give.
You said I broke your heart. I dispute that. I am sure something made you feel like you were not enough, because after all, you weren’t, and then I didn’t accept the blame you tried to put on me, because I didn’t deserve it. I believe you did your very best to save poor, helpless me and save us. Things happened that let you down. I am not sure any apology I can offer now can make that right. I am here though asking for your vageen.
If ever you need my dingus, I will be here to do what I can. I have kept it mold free, but the herpes persists. No problem, since you have it too. We can be herpes buddies.😀
All my best,
That was brilliant ! 🤣👏🤣
They are not ashamed of what they have done
They are freaked out when they are held accountable
I am recovering from fear and wanted to apologize to you. I am sure I made you feel bad, what with my ________, ______________, and ____________, which was all due to fear. You tried, in your own paltry and ineffective way to help me, and I forgive you for your failing in this area. Since I’ve forgiven you, I think it only fair that you forgive me.
Suggested donation (check one): __ $1,000 __ $5,000 __ $10,000
😄 A form letter for hoovering fuckwits. What a great idea! We should post it on the forums over at the RIC sites.
CL Snark is a pure comedy routine!! I laughed so hard out loud people turned around!! This is Tracy at her best!!! A weighted blanket and warm milk!!!!!! As for my opinion?.This apology is just a big FAT worm on the hook of a hoovering attempt and is not the work of any 12 step program I know. For those 2 step amends cannot be about YOUR own boo boos and feelings, but about the ones you wounded and tossed by the side of the road. There is no awakening here. There is absolutely no remorse and zero maturity here. It’s not even possible for this man to have enough insight to be able to say a true sorry. Sorry. No contact has saved my mental health! Reading anything like this would set me back for a few days!!
Don’t take the fat worm. Keep the focus on you and your life. This is a waste of a human being, still stuck on the ME channel.
The UBT could have just counted the number of times FW used “I” in the subject position of a sentence or a clause in a sentence. I counted 24. God got 1 sentence. Content got, “You could never love me enough…”, followed by his BS excuse about fear of abandonment, and an “if clause,” “If ever you need my help” followed by an empty promise.
Still the same.
“If ever you need my help, I will be here to do what I can.”
I will be HERE. Not actually where you are and helping might occur. I’ll be HERE, where I am presently. To do what I can… aka whatever the fuck I want.
ContentChump, PLEASE do not dignify this drivel with a response.
I wish 12-step programs would STOP telling offenders to harass their previous victims as part of their “healing journey.”
I have gotten several unwelcome missives like this and have NEVER gotten one that seemed sincere or gave me any closure in any way. I have friends who say the same thing. Messages like this only reopen old wound and in most cases have been overt harassment.
When you’ve broken the social contract so badly, the best thing you can do is fuck off and leave the people you’ve wronged in peace.