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Mighty People You Didn’t Know Were Chumped


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Hey, who wants to start the weekend with a great Mighty story?

Did you know that Barbara Corcoran of NYC real estate and Shark Tank fame was once chumped?

She told her story on Business Insider’s podcast, “Success! How I Did It.

Her then-boyfriend was her business partner in her first real estate start-up. They were together for seven years, living together — and he was cheating on her with her secretary. Barbara’s D-Day: One day, apropos of nothing, he announced he was marrying Schmoopie.

Then, he gave this parting shot:

“You know,” Barbara Corcoran’s ex-business partner and ex-boyfriend told her soon after they split up, “you’ll never succeed without me.”

Anyone else might have felt those words sting and then, eventually, brushed them off. But for Corcoran, “It just hit me in the gut and I felt that fever in my body like, ‘I’ll be damned if you ever see me not succeed.’ I felt like I would kill not to let that thing happen.”

Did Barbara pick-me dance? Did she buy a hundred books on Amazon trying to understand why she made her boyfriend’s dick wander?

No. She started her own goddamn business.

“I moved two floors above him in the same building. I went immediately to my landlord to ask for a new lease on another space and it was a tough market. He happily gave it to me and it was cheaper than my other lease by a few hundred dollars a month. And I loved getting out of that elevator with Ramone Simone and his new wife every day and saying, ‘Sorry, I’m going up.’

“Stupid ego lifts that you do in life, right! But somehow that made a difference. If I was below him, psychologically it would not have been good.”

I learned this story when a friend shared this awesome Jax video on Instagram. (Above.) They’re rocking out to Jax’s song “Cinderella Snapped.” Lyrics:

I don’t need no prince to save me
I’m a goddamn CEO
Don’t call me “Baby”, equal pay me
Snow White said you tried to kiss her
So I’ll just buy a new glass slipper and
Burn your castle down
And kids, that’s how Cinderella snapped

I suspect Jax might also be in the chump club.

So, your Friday Challenge is to tell CN about someone you admire who you previously had no idea had been chumped too.

(Harriet Tubman! Luke Perry! Nora Ephron! oh wait, everyone knows Heartburn… Anyway, it’s a big club.)

Someone suggested a Friday Challenge about Charles and Camilla and the big impression management coronation thing going on, complete with swearing oaths of allegiance to the monarchy. (Hey, THERE’s a lopsided relationship. What is it with cheaters and oaths?) But to this I say, “Meh.” Got better things to do with my Saturday morning. Like clean up dog poo.

Also! Announcement! Chumpalooza is HAPPENING. The weekend of Nov. 4 at the Maritime Conference Center outside of Baltimore. I put the deposit down, so there’s no going back now. Watch this space, I’ll get event and ticket information up soon. There will be a giant unicorn piñata and early birds get the first whacks. So save the date, CN!

TGIF! Be like Barbara!

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at [email protected]. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • Oh I feel this today! “Cinderella snapped!” and then she ……

  • First, hooray for Chumpalooza!!!
    Cannot wait to meet fellow chumps in real life and my hero, Tracy!

    Second, this video made my whole day. Barbara with her somewhat dorky moves who doesn’t care because she’s Barbara Corcoran. Like her or not, can’t deny she’s made herself successful by hard work and determination. Goals to make yourself into whatever your dream is.
    And the lyrics!?!? Just perfect 👍🏻

    • She’s awesome and older and didn’t let it stop her – having money REALLY helps😅
      About meeting everyone- funny story
      I work in a MI airports always wonder if I’ll see Tracy and if so I’ll prob pass out 😭🤣🤣

    • I’m not on Instagram (sick of the tracking, spying and mining) and the Barbara-bopping-with-Jax video doesn’t show up for non-subscribers. Here’s the TikTok version which doesn’t require subscription (to more tracking, spying, etc.) to view.

      Turns out the song was inspired by Jax’s grandmother who, when Jax was a kid, scribbled all over a Cinderalla book to change the tale to a feminist parable and titled it “Cindependent.” Here’s a video of Jax presenting the song to her grandmother for the first time and telling the backstory:

  • Goodness me! Well, I missed Newcastle Australia bc such early chump days was focussed on keeping my kids afloat. Just three hours by ROAD at the time was quite impossible. Sheesh! Was that 2017?? Anyhoo. Despite the fact my passport expired long ago, this could well be my 2023 goal. There’s space now to renew passport, book plane tix and travel to other side of the world. I can’t even imagine being amidst ppl who just GET chumpdom. hurrah Chump Lady!!!

    • Also, ““you’ll never succeed without me.” Just wanted to say, Beyonce. We get chumped not just by lovers, but by “friends”.

    • Yes, that was in 2017. It was great flying across the world meeting fellow Aussie chumps. Glad you are planning the next one!

    • My mother was a battered woman, and never left my father. Her best friend used to send her letters telling about her glorious life as she traveled around the world with her pilot husband. One day the letter was about her children and their successes. My mother said my children are nothing.

      Considering that I was placed in the role of her caretaker for most of my childhood, that comment made me work harder. When I went to get a degree in computer science, I was given a test in math and failed it. The instructor said this field is probably not for you. I didn’t give up, and I had the highest GPA out of the class.

      Later with three kids at home, I decided to get other degrees and spent five years with three children at home to complete my bachelors and masters degree in my current field.

      My mother was there when I graduated and was proud.

      Her words, however, hurtful made me decide right there, and then that I would never have to stay with an abusive person.

      • Congratulations you did it! And while taking care of little ones.
        I am working on a bachelors and can’t imagine doing so with children! My babygirl just turned 26.
        My mom was abused by nearly every relationship she’s had and wish she was more adamant on me leaving but I’ve learned this question through therapy-
        “Would you trade places with those giving you advice?”

        • “’Would you trade places with those giving you advice?’”

          Just one more reason to keep coming back here daily–for these gems of CN wisdom!

      • But your evidently loved you even though you were “nothing”

        • Yes, she loved me. I believe she was more disappointed in herself. She was a beautiful person.

      • I feel your feels, Doingme. My mom was an alcoholic with Borderline Personality Disorder and my dad is a narcissist. They wanted me to got a flashy degree that they could brag about but they budgeted $0 for the effort. They decided I would attend a military academy but living in a heavily military area, spots to those schools were hard to come by and my grades in math were inadequate. I opted for a vocational nursing school which was very cheap and I got a scholarship but they resented every $. I overheard her talking to a friend about how they could justify cutting me off financially and it was decided that when I got my first C, that would be it – I was out. (I never got a C, joke was on them)

        They spent lavishly on themselves (mansion, fur coat, $60,000 piano) but to them, I was not worthy of a university education. Life with Cheater was hard enough without adding school to it. My second husband paid for me to finish my bachelors degree. I didnt participate in graduation because by them I was in a masters program and I figured we would celebrate then but covid happened and I ended up with no events but she had alcoholic dementia by then anyway. I helped them liquidate the mansion and move to their retirement digs. Every expensive thing I found dug into my heart..they loved their house and their crap much more than they ever loved me and I know it to be true all the way to my marrow.

        Im well known in odd professional circles and Ive helped a lot of people, so Im now content with my career accomplishments. My dad now claims credit for my success and it pisses the shit out of me but he is a pitiful old man and nothing would be gained by reminding him of his failures.

        • Despite the selfish self-centered we thrived. Per usual the only thing they focus on is the bragging rights. It’s a lesson in self love.

          I laugh now nine years later at the Limited’s exclamation that N didn’t even make any money. Thankfully, I left him in the infatuation stage .

  • I’m so here for Chumpalooza. A room full of inspiring chumps? Count me in.

    Shout out to my fellow chump aunt who, when my sister said “All I know is cheaters cheat because they’re unhappy” clapped back with “Don’t speak about what you don’t understand or I’ll show you what happens when I’m unhappy.”

    • Reminds me of when my sister stated that when someone gets cheated on it’s their fault.

      • Ugh. I’m sorry.
        I don’t understand why people have to make it worse. Like, they could just say nothing, but noooooooo

        • Yeah, I had to let go of a friend post-divorce too. I was starting to feel like she was kind of a user, but we had so many good memories after decades of friendship. When I started to talk to her about how I was filing an RFO to enforce our divorce decree (which required him to share 50% of my childcare cost) and also lower my child support obligation since he had switched to a higher paying job, and mentioning how frustrating it was I was having to go to all these hoops to get him to do what he agreed to do… She mentioned, “Maybe it’s just easier not to ask him for that.”

          Sorry, she stopped being a safe friend for me when she suggested I just roll over and accept more of his financial abuse, and that it was ok for him not to fulfill the terms of decree just because he didn’t feel like it.

          Spoiler alert, got some of the unpaid childcare back from him, and agreed to stop asking him for 50% of my childcare expense if he agreed to drop his child support request from me (they were going to end up about the same). It’s nice not to be arguing about money for the moment anymore.

      • I know, right?! Makes my blood boil. Those who make such cruel statements are just plain ignorant. This happened to me to a degree, mostly implied rather than an outright statement like that. What hurt my heart the most was when Christian counselors straight up blamed my precious son for his (now ex-) wife’s cheating. He was / is an amazing and kind person. He was absolutely an engaged and doting husband to her. But, they said if he had been ‘doing more’, she would not have cheated!! Seriously, folks?! Made me cry when I heard that!
        Love to all as we continue to ForgeOn!

      • Which reminds me of when my best friend said it to me. A hard person to let go, but I’ll never forget how I felt at that moment.

      • I think that when people say that, it’s bc they WANT to believe it’s true bc if it wasn’t the Chump’s fault and this is something that just happened to them, it means it could happen to anybody. And that scares them. They want to think that only happens when chump’s are terrible spouses. Obviously, everyone here can attest to that NOT being the case.

    • My sister told my mother that I would never file for divorce. BWAHAHAHAHA

      All it takes is one person saying you can’t or won’t whatever to set you over the edge. My sister also once said I would never dump my bowl of cereal over her head. Guess how that worked out? 😜

      • My mother and sister said the same thing–to each other behind my back. Only after I left my now-ex did my mother tell me this. Even though I’d found the strength to do it on my own, without their words propelling me, it was hurtful to find out they had this opinion about me.

        • I’m sorry your family was like that, too. People are really something.

          My sister is a hair on fire flaming toxic individual who I have cut off from all contact for over 4 years. She doesn’t understand boundaries or how many normal processes of life work. Jerry Springer (RIP) could have made an entire week of episodes on her. So what she thinks or thought got me angry for a minute but I’m used to her not having a clue about the real world. My mother may well have agreed with her. My mother enjoys gossip and is her own heap of trouble. I’m in contact with her but pretty arms length. When my mother told me that, I said to her – knowing she’d report immediately to my sister – “Yeah, she thought I’d spend the rest of my life putting up with her, too.”

  • My lovely amazing former boss was chumped. I found out after my D-day when I went into work the very next day & promptly burst into tears. My kind & empathetic boss then told me her story. It was a doozy. She offered me paid time off, but I said no because I didn’t want the FW to destabilize me from my job too. I also didn’t want to think about him & his Schmoopie 24/7 either. So then my boss offered me “light duty” for awhile & that was part of my miracle cure. Afterwards, I started advancing my career based on my boss’s suggestions & I took another position & doubled my salary in two years. Thank you to all these “tough like Barbara” chumps out there guiding us through chumpy times!!! 💪

  • She’s a badass I love it♥️
    Also, chumpPalooza?!? I got chills that’s awesome

  • What I found out is there are alot of secret chumps . Why? Shame ? Not me! I sit in the front row at church alone. I like it that way. So I don’t know who’s been chumped. I do know the cheaters with second poached spouses on their arms. They are more brazen. One gal I do know is raising 2 boys and was married to a cheating cop husband. She eats the crapola sandwich dropping off and picking up at former in laws house. She works full time and hides. Shame? We need to come out of the shadows. Let’s be proud like the King and royal Consort of England, or the Bill Clintons,or the myriads of other abusers. Let’s change the narrative! You don’t have to be a CEO, on the 18th floor apartment. We just have to speak up about the abuse of cheating and stand tall. Give up the victim mentality and tell your story.

    • Agreed!
      Whenever I fill out a form with “married, widowed, single, or divorced” I check the Divorced box. Then I write in the margin something like “I left that giant abusive loser. Go me!”
      Also I’d like to think it amuses the person doing data entry.

      • I was technically widowed, since FW died in the middle of proceedings. But I STILL check the “divorced” box, because that was the goal. I’m not a widow. I’m divorced and free.

  • I recently learned Colin Firth was cheated on. Somehow I missed this crazy story when it happened. I don’t pay much attention to celebrity news, but I do like Firth. His cheating wife had her lover charged with stalking after he sent Firth an email about the affair. I assume that was in the hope of pretending it was all lies from an obsessed nutter.
    They wreckonciled for two years and then split up, reportedly because he couldn’t get past it. Way to get mighty, Colin! He now has somebody else. Hopefully she’s not a cheater.
    All I could think of when I first read about this was; “Who in the hell would cheat on Colin Firth?”
    The answer, of course, is a fuckwit.

    Fantastic news about Chumpapalooza!

    • “Who in the hell would cheat on Colin Firth?”…. exactly. At the height of Bridget Jones Diary popularity, I was madly infatuated with Colin. So much so that I would send my friends birthday cards that said, “Happy Firthday” with his photo. (smile)

      Seriously – I agree with your post. And when he finally broke free from his wreckonciliation with his cheater-pants wife, I thought, “Way to go, Handsome. Leave her in the dust…”

      • He’s such a wonderful actor. He even made the awful Mr. Darcy relatable. I’ve never seen him put in less than a sterling performance.

    • I don’t know who Jax or Lindsey Sterling are. But I love these bad-ass women. Thanks, Logo, for sharing this with me. Makes me feel hopeful for this generation and a new message.

          • Thank Uni. I found it. What a delightful song! I’ll be sure to share it with my daughter and every other young woman I can😜. Made up by a dude in Ohio – how I wish it were not the case. No mention of the Jeffery Epstein tie…. but there is that as well.

    • Chump Lady did a blog entry on that tiktok! I can’t find it, but it’s hilarious and I sent it around to a couple friends. I have now learned who Lindsey Sterling is, too …

  • Several ladies I knew through our kids’ activities tracked me down when I was going through my mess. They had quietly disappeared, leaving the area, so I had no idea. Someone told them about me, and I discovered my story wasn’t uncommon. Others have since tracked me down who were divorced after me. Boy, this story is more widespread than I ever knew!

    My ex’s family believed that women with college degrees were bound to go their own way and appropriately branded me that way. Never mind all of my ex’s misbehaviors. They knew some of what went on, but not all. By their reactions to what they knew (“you still have to stay married”), I didn’t bother telling them the rest.

    Yes, I did go my own way because of him, not because of my three college degrees. And I toast all of those I knew locally who went through the same and the partners here who survived!

    • If you’d been a SAHM, some would have cited that as the “reason” for your marriage dissolving. I’m sure if I hadn’t quit my outside-the-house job to care for a chronically ill child, I would have gotten all the “selfish domineering ball breaker career bitch” flak too. Instead I got to hear suggestions that the career-oriented AP was probably shinier for being less “dependent” and had more “common ground” with career-oriented FW. In reality, the AP was– according to two workplace whistleblowers– one of those women who went into her subordinate field for its proximity to rich, ambitious dudes. She was an aspiring trad-wife and anti-feminist who backstabbed other women, had constant “widdle baby cwying fits” and scurried around doing humiliatingly servile things for FW as a form of competitive pickme dancing. Meanwhile I juggled childcare and working from home as an editor and researcher for environmental and feminist causes and didn’t have time to pick up FW’s socks. In fact, it amused me when a few bystanders struck at the wrong stereotype in trying to blame me. They really should have been calling me a ball-breaking feminazi for full effect! Missed me, missed me, now you gotta kiss [my ass].

      What I learned in advocacy meshes with what CL always argues– that some bystanders have a fundamental and irrational need to blame victims. The reasons they invent for victim-blaming are completely arbitrary, based on whatever thin grounds they can snatch at (“You wore stripes on Sunday!”) and whatever they can claim is different from themselves (“I would never wear stripes on Sunday!”). If this isn’t simply a confession of being an abusive perp in their own right, it’s just their way of deluding themselves that only good things can happen to good people and bad things only happen to those who are bad.

      • I’m sorry about what you went through. Very good points.

        I was a career bitch who became a SAHM and then a career bitch post-divorce, and I decided that some people just don’t like me. And I DON’T CARE. Some women are so judgy of each other and have this weird “good woman” scale that means nothing in the end. In addition to “only bad things happen to bad people,” there’s the false belief that men don’t leave/abuse/cheat on “good women.” Totally false.

        One day I realized that all of the “good women” who were giving me a bad time about being divorced live in fear. Their finger-pointing hides the truth. They can’t control their husbands, period. Their husbands could become like mine, and they couldn’t stop it. So they victim-blame to feel better about it all.

        Thankfully, I figured it out and reinvented myself. I’m happily single and have lovely friends who never even met my ex. They are real and raw, and I like it that way.

  • Someone sent this to me recently and it’s a great addition to my playlist on my way to the gym at 5am, along with the theme from Rocky.

    Cheaters are energy vampires. If you want your life force sucked out of you, staying with a cheater will do the trick.
    Do you feel anxiety, depression, low energy? That’s what staying with a cheater feels like. Watch that first training montage scene from Rocky where he is stumbling up the steps of the library. That’s the beginning of being on your own after infidelity. Keep going, keep training. Watch the second training montage where he is leaping up the steps of the library. That’s where you are headed without the life force drain of the energy vampires (cheaters and side pieces). You cannot fill a bathtub if the drain is open. You cannot fly if you have a partner who is breaking your wings every day.

    I will never ever recommend anyone stay with a cheater.

    Truth, integrity, good character? That’s power. The whole point of a relationship is partnership, safety, security, WHICH IS IMPOSSIBLE with a traitor, thief, liar, cheater.

    Ending a relationship with a cheater is like surgery without anesthesia and it is extremely painful, but it’s followed by the cessation of the pain of being cheated on which you may have felt but did not know where it originated. The cessation of that pain is AMAZING.

    Gonna fly now!!

    • “Ending a relationship with a cheater is like surgery without anesthesia and it is extremely painful, but it’s followed by the cessation of the pain of being cheated on which you may have felt but did not know where it originated. The cessation of that pain is AMAZING.”

      YES!!! Well said.

    • “Truth, integrity, good character? That’s power. The whole point of a relationship is partnership, safety, security, WHICH IS IMPOSSIBLE with a traitor, thief, liar, cheater.”

      Love this statement, so clear and powerful.

    • I often compare my relationship with fuckwit to a case of gangrene on my arm.
      Would it hurt to get my arm amputated? Absolutely. Would I have phantom pains from the missing limb? Yes.
      But the other option is to stay and let myself rot, and stink and negatively affect those close to me while they watched me die.

  • Happy Friday Fellow Chumps!
    My first thought is that someday, people are going to have the same shock when they hear I was chomped. I’m determined to live so well that you’d never have expected that being a chump was a motivator.
    I’m on a wellness kick and feeling stronger than I have in a while and this morning I remembered how the ex used to say, “if you’d only try hard for 2 months, you could look good.” Fuck him – I look just fine as I am.
    Watch out Barbara, there’s a ton of Chumps joining the Mighty Club!

  • My anthem ever since I left my cheating ex-husband almost 15 years ago has been Jill Scott’s “Golden.” Based on the lyrics, I surmised she’s a chump too.
    So I googled. And discovered that she filed for divorce from her second husband in 2017, citing “inappropriate marital conduct that such further cohabitation would be unsafe and improper.”
    She basically handed the FW $20K and told him to GTFO, whereupon he threw a fit in the gossip press and called her, among other choice words, “an evil woman.”
    But the prenup held: FW got no spousal support. And the judge even denied his request for Ms. Scott to pay his legal fees.
    Living her life like it’s golden indeed.

  • Yo Chumpalooza is happening on my birthday!!

    Anyway, seriously tho we all heard about Shakira. But I do admire her. Her cheater does not deserve someone of her caliber. I think his stupid ass knows it, hence all the tittering about his seeking happiness in himself.

    Okay bro, but I don’t buy it. At all.

    Speaking of “you’ll never succeed without me” it reminds me of my abuser. I used to really want to be a tattoo artist (he was one. Apprenticing.) He told me if I can’t take being verbally abused then I’d never succeed in tattooing.

    Well for one, I work in an ER now and get verbally assaulted every week. Is it great? No, but I am succeeding in my healthcare career nonetheless.

    For another, I decided to think about an old dream I had that he sort of killed. I had wanted to be a tattoo/goth model. The kind on tattoo industry magazine covers. I used to grab every one of those I could get my hands on and read the features about amazing women who had hundreds of hours worth of intricate tattoos and what they did in their careers (motorcycle builder, NYC bartender, leather worker, automotive garage owner, etc.) I wanted to be one of them. My ex really stomped down that dream and that love of tattoo publications.

    I talked to my boyfriend about it and he was so behind it he suggested we get me some professional photos taken to get me going towards that dream.

    So I guess I count my own self in this list.

    • It is horrible to abuse health care givers. Oh I know some patients are not in their right minds, but my sweet H had a stroke and felt horrible, but he was still so kind to them.

      I said something to one NP that came out totally wrong, and I immediately apologized. She said it was fine, I said no that did not come out the way I heard it in my head.

  • My former co-worker. I had no idea she was a chump until my own DDay started to unfold. She had two babies and packed up and left her FW, got remarried, second husband passed away, and she’d fought breast cancer. She is mighty.

  • Halle Berry, Emma Thompson, Gwen Stefani and one of my favorite college professors.

    My experimental women’s lit professor talked frankly and unforgivingly every semester about her husband’s affair with a nurse in the same hospital where this professor was giving birth to their first child. She’d admit the event drove her to the brink of suicide but that, instead, she went back to school to get her masters and then went on to become a well known scholar and author. The story seemed to be an example of how women’s potentials are often sabotaged by sexualized abuse which was the theme and subtext of every novel we studied in her courses. Her classes overflowed with every type of person you can imagine– male, female, old, young, black, white, rich, working class, LGBT, punks, published writers and even a soloist from the NY Philharmonic. Everyone would end up completely electrified by the cohesiveness of her world view and position on civil rights and creative expression. It was like watching a revolution unfold. Yet, oddly, she had remained married to the same person for the rest of her life. She later wrote a book on the theme of adultery in history and literature which was very disappointing to me because the tone of the book was way more “adultery is no big deal and sometimes a rebellion against convention!” than what she conveyed in person.

    It was like she shared her true views and feelings in the “privacy” of the lecture hall (right before camera phones became a thing so no evidence exists of her personal asides), but caved when it came to putting it all on public record. Maybe she wasn’t just reconciling her true position to make room for her husband’s abuse but also reconciling it to make room for a certain hypocritical sex-pozzy wave in feminism which reigned at the time (and seems to repeat itself every ten years). Maybe she softened her message as a political concession for cheating fellow scholars and literary figures. In any case, I thought the book was intellectual gibberish. It upset me and I realized how “contortionist” it is to try to reconcile any form of civil rights with minimizing any form of abuse. I wondered if the stress of straddling that contradiction contributed to her premature death.

    But, at the same time, this professor’s courage in the classroom genuinely changed my life and gave me a clarity that probably saved my skin and sanity over and over. I started out as someone tragically easy to confuse and intimidate and ended up always coming down on the side of my gut instincts even if I initially hesitated. She also coached a lot of students– including me– through personal crises. She made me realize that real empathy is a superpower because it can make people visionary and prophetic which, on the flip side, means that lacking empathy is a qualitatively inferior state– an impairment or form of blindness. She wasn’t just a meddler haughtily foisting bad advice in exchange for guru status. Instead she would notice if you seemed “off” or distracted in a student meeting, would ask you what was going on, would listen intensely to what you were going through, get down in the dirt with you, become emotional in telling you about similar things she’d been through and would explain the hard lessons she’d learned. She gave so much of herself every semester that she had periodic breakdowns which might not seem terrible professional to some. But everything she predicted would happen if you did or didn’t do X or Y in response to some fraught situation would turn out to be true. She was the Green Mile guy, not a carnival act or cheap guru.

    How could she be so right in most ways and so wrong in one? Feet of clay. I believed her mercilessly honest classroom self which was also reflected in the rest of her written work and literary analysis. Only the book on infidelity seemed to crap out and cave to pressure to not seem “bitter” or “uptight.” It represented a few dots she wasn’t able to connect in her otherwise spectacularly unified view. Since she was the first in her right-off-the-boat Catholic family to get a degree, maybe she has to be measured from the distance she leapt and not how she wobbled when landing. Sometimes real leaders might fail to walk the full walk in their personal lives but still inspire courage in others. I don’t think the one misstep or failure of courage reflected her essence or soul, which remain mighty.

    • “I realized how “contortionist” it is to try to reconcile any form of civil rights with minimizing any form of abuse.”

      The mini-me-zation of infidelity stigma can’t be unseen, but evidently it’s hidden causes can be unpublished. This cognitively dissonant element of her career arc as it relates to her infidelity experiences is so troubling.

      Thank you for your candidness in sharing this episode in your life. You have composed a parable and it has resonated with me big time.

      There does appear to me to be intent by a professional to obfuscate and explicate cheating in print by eschewing a discussion about narcissism and narcissistic supply. As a victim of therapy induced trauma I can only advise chumps to ‘go with their gut’, because that feeling of disgust is real and all you really need to feel.

      I ditched “couple therapy” after one session both times it was attempted. My instinct said loud and clear that this is a no-win scenario simulator and that I don’t have to play. Individual therapy went better, in that I had my intuition confirmed that one can in fact have PTSD and not have been in the army, but as soon as I was told ‘she didn’t do anything that bad’ I was out the door.

      But, I didn’t walk out on the marriage when I could have. 20 years on and I’m in Vancouver, BC and in a very Vancouver separation. NO-body is moving because, while existing rental hikes are controlled, new rentals are skyrocketing. I know there are many, many people who are in much worse situations than mine and that is humbling. When I’m feeling especially gross about staying I take a pause to remember this then I, like Lear, pray for the ‘houseless heads and unfed sides’ that ‘bide the pelting of this pitiless storm’.

      I’m not reading any infidelity books that have even a whiff of chump blaming or going to any therapists unless it is to discuss narcissism and PTSD in particular without any relationship or other context. It does. not. matter. which narcissist caused what trauma, but it is vital to recognize both and how to manage our responses and to develop successful personal strategies to do that.

      That’s meh story and I’m sticking to it.

      Thank you again for sharing, HelluvaChump.

      PS-I’m going to look at 1 bedroom condo open houses in my beloved Grandview/Woodland/Commercial Drive neighbourhood this weekend!

      • Best of luck with the house hunting. It sounds like you’re staying sane by keeping your eye on the long term goal but it has to be really hard. The cost of housing is causing what seems like emotional massacre in a lot of first world countries because people can’t move away from lousy exes. I can’t imagine what it must be doing to children involved in these situations as well as mistreated partners.

        I don’t know what got into that professor. Maybe she was afraid of other so-called feminists. NOt all are the same. For instance, there’s this trend among certain trendy, click-baity (so-called) feminists who, in order to not sound puritanical or ungroovy, will give women a pass for cheating on the dumb idea that it’s some kind of sexually liberated rebellion against gender repression of yore (here’s an idea: honest convo and divorce, then screw around till the cows come home) and then, in order not to sound hypocritical, will generally minimize the seriousness of the effects of cheating no matter who’s doing it. It’s a discussion-killer because, if anyone points out all the abuses that infidelity comes in tow with– financial abuse, gaslighting, physical endangerment, emotional trauma to children, not to mention the usual epic cheater rages, etc., etc.– they’ll say, “Well now you’re talking about domestic violence, not just cheating.” Except here’s the problem: those things invariably come along with “just cheating” regardless of who’s doing it. I’m at least glad that Susan Faludi didn’t fall for it and thumbed her nose at the trend of anointing Monica Lewinsky as a #MeToo hero. Please. Like CL has said, Alice Paul didn’t go on hunger strikes just so women could blow their married bosses.

        I was lucky to find a therapist who viewed cheating as a form of intimate partner violence. She’d been cheated on herself and took no prisoners over it. She was in her sixties and a light-hearted, glamorous little thing who loved a good laugh and was always in heels, scarves and perfect makeup. You’d never know on first glance that she had a deep understanding of human darkness and that she regularly marched in protests for humanitarian causes and got herself periodically pepper sprayed. I love surprise packages like that.

        • Thanks, HoaC!

          I came to the realization yesterday, as I was looking at a lovely little Grandview condo (that already had an accepted offer shortly after the open house began, seriously, lol) that, while Vancouver real estate is crazy expensivo, studio/1 bedroom condos in East Van, that are good enough for me, are not! So, I’m going to four open houses today and remembering that E-V-ER-Y-BO-D-Y in North America seems to be hunkering down. I’ve been here eleven years and I’ve never heard the conversation so dominated by the stay-where-you-are narrative; it puts the ‘real’ in ‘real estate’.

          What would be an interesting read is a sober discussion, in print, surrounding the ways in which the effects of narcissism, narcissistic supply, narcissistic infidelity and PTSD on the victims are similar or different across the sex/gender spectrum, what aspects might be stickier given one’s particular dynamic, the direct and indirect effects on children (and pets, why not?) from a range of home life arrangements and disasters.

          As a 55 year old chump I probably wouldn’t read it, but I can dream, eh? Would it be not be lovely if, at the very least, the social stigmas would be erased, if not from civilization, but from psychiatry?

          If CN will indulge me I composed this little ode yesterday and would like to share it here:

          Weights, Hon! Your? Mine?

          What’s on my mind is that I’m grateful not to have ever owned a smartphone.
          What’s on my mind is that I’m grateful not to have even had a mobile number since moving to Vancouver in March 2011.
          What’s on my mind is that I’m a citizen of Canada and am free to move about the country. 🍁
          What’s on my mind is that I love The Drive and want to stay!
          Weights on my mind is that I love The Drive and want to stay!
          Weights on my mind is an unanswered question: Where is Home?
          Weights on my mind is an unquestioned answer: Not here.
          Weights on my mind are the ‘houseless heads and unfed sides’ that ‘bide the pelting of this pitiless storm’.

  • So, none of them are famous, but three (THREE) smart and powerful women I work with had been chumped, big time. I found out after I told my story. I had no idea there were so many women in that same position. It also help me realize the narrative of women being bumped was because they were “door mats.” Ummmm…nope. None of these women are weak in any way. They just made bad choices in partners. I felt really validated. And no longer ashamed of my own experience.

  • Anyone else finding guestrooms rooms are not available at conference center for month of November? What are alternatives?

  • Can’t wait for Chumpalooza.
    And I love the mighty stories. They make living with the slings and arrows a tonic

  • I toured the Netherlands with a rugby club in the early 2000s. I was co captain of the team with another guy named Nick. We were both in our late 30s at the time. We won every game and Nick and I were given an award for Man Of the Match (MVP). 2 days after DDay Nick called me to tell me he had been through it as well. He said “it doesn’t matter how smart, rich, tough you are. It has nothing to do with you, it is them. She is gone get your ducks in a row and get out”.
    Same day a vascular surgeon I worked with and we did couple things with told me he went through it with his previous wife. He said he was blindsided same way. He and his wife knew FW well. They are both chumps and weren’t surprised.
    Both of these men are the last people I would have expected to be chumped.
    God Bless them they have been with me every step of the way the last 22 months

  • Tori Spelling is a Scummy Schmoopie! You guys might not know of this Chump.. she was famous here in Canada – her name is Mary Jo Eustace and she was Chumped by Dean McDermott who is an actor some people may know of mainly on made-for-tv movies – he went to film something with Tori Spelling and in 2005 left Mary Jo and their son Jack to be with Tori Spelling – I always felt so bad for her but I just don’t buy Dean and Tori’s life as being very good – I actually think she had some kind of a reality show and it showed the reality of their shit-show life especially with his battle with drug and alcohol addiction

    • Actually I have just finished watching a couple of YouTube videos about this whole thing and it’s REALLY interesting as he tries to paint Mary-Jo in this terrible light to everyone including Tori Spelling -but Tori ended up meeting with Mary-Jo and she admits that the things that Mary-Jo explained about Dean McDermott ended up coming true little by little – and I guess at some point Dean cheats on Tori Spelling too but she still stays with them (and seems miserable for it) and they have 5 kids together – I am just at the tip of the iceberg about all this because I guess there is even a podcast so I’ll be watching some things and listening to the podcast too – all I know is he definitely seems to fit ALL the traits of the F*ckWits we have dealt with and grown to easily spot out!

  • Madeline Albright, future Secretary of State. “Following Carter’s loss in 1980 to Ronald Reagan, Albright moved on to the Woodrow Wilson International Center for Scholars at the Smithsonian Institution in Washington, D.C., where she was given a grant for a research project.[51] She chose to write on the dissident journalists involved in Poland’s Solidarity movement, then in its infancy but gaining international attention.[51] She traveled to Poland for her research, interviewing dissidents in Gdańsk, Warsaw, and Kraków.[52] Upon her return to Washington, her husband announced his intention to divorce her so that he could pursue a relationship with another woman; the divorce was finalized in 1983.[53]”

    She was 60 years old. They had 3 children together and she was heartbroken.

  • I don’t really know any people, famous or not, that I admire (ok, I knew about Emma Thompson, and I do admire her, but that’s obviously been discussed. Colin Firth I did not know about), and that I found out unexpectedly that they had been chumped.

    However, reading all these posts has been inspiring.

    Here’s to all the chumps who have gone on w/out the fuckwits in their lives to be mighty. Famous or not. It really doesn’t matter how beautiful you are, how rich you are, how smart you are, how successful you are, etc..

    A fuckwit will find a way to devalue you and fuck you over. They really are energy vampires. And it really is so great to exist w/out them being around to bring you down. Makes me think of Tim Allen’s character’s (in the movie Galaxy Quest) signature line: Never give up, never surrender!

    I’m really going to try to make it to Chumpalooza. It would be great to meet my fellow chumps from the blog, not to mention Tracy (and maybe Mr. CL too?). A crowd that understands where I’m at in my life (and vice versa).

    P.S. I just thought of one person, not famous, that I found out was chumped after the FW XW chumped me. One of my dentist’s administrative assistants. When I was initially emotionally vomiting on any and all who would listen, she told me the man she thought was the love of her life (her first husband) left her for some schmoopie. She remarried, and seems very happy. Her name? Glynda. I don’t think she’s a good witch, but I do think she’s a good person. And mighty.

    P.P.S. I did not know about Madeline Albright being a chump! What an asshole her FW XH must have been. That this woman could be so heartbroken at 60 years old by his actions, and still went on to be so mighty, is a beacon of light to all of us other chumps.

  • It’s an appropriate day to mention a man named Andrew Parker-Bowles whose wife, Camilla, carried on for years with some British fellow who just spent $175,000,000 in British taxpayer money for his look-at-me party.

    People seem to forget that for all these famous people who cheat, there are frequently non-famous spouses being left behind. They get to suffer not just the abuse and grief of being a Chump, but spending years afterward watching their FW applauded for various things.

    Oh well. Anne Boleyn eventually won her King, and look how that turned out.

    • Was not Elizabeth chumped by Philip? Actually, I don’t care. I don’t follow the Royals or any other celebrity, so why in blazes do they follow me? “Let me be, I can’t be arsed!” Yet they’re always there, taking the piss and not cleaning up after! “At least let me digest me supper first, ya purple blooded shitegoblins, before ya drop yer pants down round yer ankles and Livestream yer Corny Nation!” Meh, humbug.

      Footnote: “livestream” is an anagram of “evil master”.


    Radical acceptance

    Of a flaming turd sandwich,

    Served up on a toilet paper platter,

    Enrobing my Home,

    For which I paid dearly

    And that I can’t send back

    Does not mean I have to eat it.

    From “Odes to Meh” by A. Chump

  • Chumpalooza sounds epic….and a piñata in a shape of a unicorn?? Well, I wish I could afford to go but unfortunately, cannot…please take tons of pictures and videos for us.

    One of our well known female OBGYN’s specifically came to speak to me when I went into her practice asking for a complete STD panel. I felt so embarrassed but shared the entire sordid story, and then she shared she had been chumped also….this well educated, beautiful woman had been duped. Pick me danced also.

    I felt better after that.

  • Off topic, kinda. Late afternoon Central time. Have been ignoring the news all day.

    Violet: Do you know who won the Kentucky Derby?
    Mr. Violet (Brit, erstwhile royalist): Camilla.

  • It took just one day of this Friday challenge for me to learn a new friend experienced the breakup of her parents’ marriage when she was in her late twenties. She said she had a strained relationship with her stepfather because “the timing of the relationship was suspicious”. She also said her father never recovered from being chumped. She doesn’t know the reason for my divorce.

    So how do we chumps process how common cheating is?

    • I think there is just no processing narcissistic cheating. It’s a no-win scenario simulator and I do not have to play. Radical acceptance to me means not having to run that program. I’m not a cheater and that’s all I really need to process. It doesn’t suck, they do. Meh.

    • The ‘oh, cheating is so common’ comment often comes from those who want to normalize and minimize it – usually cheaters. Our concern around that issue is based in the belief/fear that we just have to accept it because ‘almost everyone cheats’ or that even if we’re no longer with one cheating partner, we’ll never find a partner who won’t cheat.

      The way I think about how common it is, is this;
      – cheaters tend to cheat repeatedly. So one cheater can easily cheat on 4, 5, 6 partners in their life. Most of their partners will be chumps, because selfish people know how to choose partner appliances (a few will be other cheaters). So just for a guess, let’s say that on average one cheater creates 3 chumps, plus let’s say, 1 person in 4 or 5 who has never been cheated on or cheated. That would lead to a proportion of, say, 1 cheater to every 4 non-cheaters. So while CHEATING is common (4 out of every 5 people will have been in a relationship where there was cheating, either as a cheater or a chump), CHEATERS are actually not as common (1 cheater for every 4 non-cheaters).
      – also, who cares? The question ‘is this common?’ isn’t relevant. The relevant question is; ‘Is this acceptable to me?’.

  • Some comments and replies I woke up with from Substack users for CN and the UBT to gnaw on. I’m very sorry it’s not Lebkuchen!:

    Aly Drummond, “Seasonal Womanhood”:

    “Being a public figure in an age-gap marriage has taught me the following about modern women: They do not believe in true love. Most single women can understand and justify psychologically a man loving an obese woman, yet they cannot do the same for a young woman loving an older man. This tells you all you need to know about delusional female daters. Their love is fickle as it is based on preferences and not values. This is why they remain single.”

    Sasha Latypova, “Due Dilligence in Art” queries:

    “Have you ever seen a young woman loving a much older POOR man? e.g. age gap 20+ years?”

    Aly responds:

    “Many men date obese women even though that is a noted health deficiency. An older man not financially established speaks to another deficiency the majority of women would not accept, as he would stick out like a sore thumb. It screams incapable. Poor older men are less valuable than obese women. Eggs are expensive, sperm is cheap. Love is real, but logistics cannot be ignored in consideration of reproduction.”

    Jaine Benson, “Jaine’s Newsletter” chimes in:

    “I did but then I believe in reincarnation and we are in the age of revelation so we are finding people we loved in past lives but now they are to be found in varying ages and I do believe that is the foundation of the true homosexual movement, (not the agenda based one). Some people recall loving someone before. It happened to me in France. Olivier. I knew how I died when we had loved each other and now he was easily 20 yrs older. I will always love him!! And J Pierre. We drove past Saumur on a back road and I KNEW I had been lost with him before. What joy to get to meet people you once and still do love in your soul.”

    “Scott”, a lurker with nothing to say, has this to say:

    “Oh how so many are deceived by the father of all lies. You get one chance as a soul even tho your vessel contains reused cells. Just because each cell may have been part of a previous life doesn’t mean your soul has. Too many confuse cell memory with reincarnation. As usual these are people unhappy with their lives and choices they have made so what better way to ignore the sins they commit. These are lessons and blah blah blah. The men on the cross did not ask Jesus if they can be reborn as better people on earth again but to save them a place in heaven with the father. As usual eve is tricked by her lust for power. In general men understand how to wield power in a just manner. If you don’t believe that then we would live in a society like animals that basically mate without morals. Rape would be rampant as well as murder. We don’t have any female run societies for a reason, they can’t even get along with their own sex due to competition. Men the hunters are able to resolve differences and work together to achieve larger goals aka sacrifice for the betterment of family and tribe. So much talk about divine masculine and feminine yet only being is divine. We are mere creations of his love for us, as usual satan plays on that other sin, pride. When women make up 90% of the divorce rate these days it’s clear which side is following the wrong path.”

    Sasha’s question wasn’t answered and she’s entitled to one immediately because she’s a failed artist:

    “My question was about marriage/girlfriend-boyfriend relationship. I have never seen or heard of a woman 20 yrs younger in a relationship with a guy who is broke and she has to keep a job to support him and eventually has to be a nurse and change his diapers. Not to say it can never happen, but just not the pattern overall. The younger women love older men of certain wealth and social status 99% of the time.”

    And G. Michael Vasey, “The Magical World of G. Michael Vasey” to round things out:

    “Indeed I have. It happens often and your comment reflects poorly on you and your views of women… and men. In some cultures and nations, it is the way things are and have been.”

    Well, I’m a 55 year old man, 30 plus years chumped, and, while not “poor”, I am unemployed/retired (which is what I think they’re talking about, not destitution), but I am not a cheater and I’m very invested in my health and wellness and I take care of myself. I would like to be with at least a slightly younger woman, not to work and pay for everything and change my diapers, but because I do not want to risk being with another Boomer narcissist.

    “An older man not financially established…would stick out like a sore thumb…screams incapable…Poor older men are less valuable than obese women…Eggs are expensive, sperm is cheap…”


        • By that, I meant “thank you” to Chump Lady, not to Long-winded AL. (sorry – I did not click on the correct nub.)

    • That’s quite a long-winded justification for a shallow preference for younger women. That preference is about looks and ego 100% of the time, so nobody is buying your rationalization. Boomers are no more likely to be narcissistic. If anything, they are probably less so, because they aren’t as much under the influence of the normalization of attention whoring in the “Look at me!” social media age. On behalf of all the older women who can’t even get a date because there are so many guys with your attitude, and who were chumped so that their FW could have a younger schmoopie, I would like to invite you to have the decency to pipe down about such a sore subject.
      Yes, it’s unfair for women to pick men based solely on income, just as it for men to pick women solely based on looks and youth. So if you hate being judged for shallow things like your income and social status, I suggest you not be a hypocrite.

  • Yes!! I love Jax! She is indeed in the chump club. In her song “To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before” her lyrics are “I loved a kid from Hollywood but he cheated on me ‘cause he could, and I went full Carrie Underwood on him.”

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