Hello Chump Lady!
I am in need of a good wake up call in the form of the UBT.
I have been dating FW for approximately 11 years and met him about a year after my divorce from my verbally abusive, narcissistic (non-cheating) ex-husband.
Admittedly, I discovered by accident a few years in that this FW was cheating on me with prostitutes, randoms and even found that he had a sugar daddy account. He left his laptop open, and I snooped. Of course, he denied everything even though I had proof. I kept foolishly taking him back after countless fabulous trips, jewelry, and empty promises to change. Frankly, I think I did this because I couldn’t admit defeat. Not to mention the thought of my newly remarried (still abusive) ex-husband laughing at me from afar.
Contrary to what you might think, this text was not penned by a 12-year-old, but actually a 58-year-old “man” with not only children, but grandchildren whose lives I was very involved in for over a decade. We do not have children together and we do not live together (I moved out once I discovered a prostitute situation), but we continued spend a lot of time together. Every other weekend and several weeknights. Recently, he took on a larger territory for his job, and I wasn’t seeing him as often because of that (supposedly), but I would still spend time at his house and help out with his dog, etc. when he couldn’t get back early.
Well, one evening I decided to stop in unannounced to deliver an early birthday gift to him that I would not be able to give him in person because my daughter had a chorus concert on his actual birthday and he claimed he was spending that night celebrating at his daughter’s house in another state. Not surprisingly, that turned out to be false. According to her Instagram, they celebrated the night before I later saw. But I digress. He was not answering his texts, so I figured I would just stop in since I knew he was home.
Anywhoooo, I showed up unannounced with said birthday gift, and there was an unfamiliar car in the driveway. I pulled in the driveway and rang the doorbell. No one answered. I opened the garage door and his car was parked in the garage. I then received a text saying “Just go home”.
Ok ok I know!! This is a KNOWN cheater. And I should have known that his new territory probably wasn’t taking up as much of his time as he said, but I’m a chump through and through. Even so, this was so humiliating.
Mind you, I had just finished spending the weekend (this was the day after, on Monday) with him, his daughter, her husband and his grandson, hanging out with them and doing “family“ things. When I was leaving to come back to my house Sunday night (as my son just got home from college), I noticed he was stripping the bed, but again, it didn’t really occur to me that was a red flag.
So after I peeled outta the driveway in a confused, humiliated and enraged stupor, he texted me and asked if he could call me and I declined. He texted me the next day and asked if we could meet and talk and I declined. I said that a neighbor of mine would be coming to take the dog crate that was there and anything else of mine, he can give to whoever that was because I don’t want it back. I informed him that he would never see me or hear from me ever again, and I intend to stick by that. I told my kids and all my friends exactly what happened to ensure that I would never go back. I was completely and utterly blindsided because I had never actually caught him in the act. And, yes, I know I shouldn’t have been. He’s a FW after all.
So a day later, I got this weak, self-serving “non-apology” apology and that was pretty much the last communication from FW. Can this be put through the UBT based on my background information?
It would be so much appreciated! Even though he’s a dirty, lying FW, my pride is really injured from this incident. I mean after over a decade I get “just go home“ and then this. Ouch. I will say catching him red-handed was strangely satisfying at the same time as being utterly humiliating. I’m sure he was pooping his britches, and that gives me some small bit of satisfaction.
“Foolmetwice, I love you and your family and dog. You aren’t discarded but we haven’t been working for a long time and I didn’t know how to tell you. I’m sorry about us. I am. I feel horrible. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know where my life will go. I feel lost to be honest. I thought taking this new job would help and it’s only made my life worse. I’m lonely most of the time. I don’t know what else to say except I’m sorry”
Before I feed this self-serving, sad sausage dreck to the Universal Bullshit Translator, we need to give you that
bitchslap wake up call you asked for. We’re all chumps here, we know from hopium. But let’s be clear on the concepts. To be chumped is to be duped, to be acted upon unknowingly. One you discover cheating, you must make a choice — invest further, or dump.
Further investment (chasing unicorns, turning a blind eye) is on you. (And all of us who gave 15th chances.) So let’s square this:
Admittedly, I discovered by accident a few years in that this FW was cheating on me with prostitutes, randoms and even found that he had a sugar daddy account. He left his laptop open, and I snooped. Of course, he denied everything even though I had proof.
… with this:
I was completely and utterly blindsided because I had never actually caught him in the act.
You had proof he was a cheater. So you weren’t “completely and utterly blindsided.” The spackle just wasn’t sticking. Figure out why “prostitutes, randos and sugar daddy accounts” weren’t immediate dealbreakers.
You don’t need to catch someone in the act. And, you didn’t actually catch him in the act. He was just very, uh, busy. He could gaslight you and say it was tiddlywinks.
Ok ok I know!! This is a KNOWN cheater.
Right. Ask yourself why that was acceptable to you. For a decade. Why being a Potemkin girlfriend was enough.
I kept foolishly taking him back after countless fabulous trips, jewelry, and empty promises to change.
Who’s the sugar baby here? Examine your values.
Whatever you told yourself to make the cheating go away — unpack it. Know your worth going forward.
Okay, we can kick the UBT into gear now.
“Foolmetwice, I love you and your family and dog.
And Golden Girls. And Rice Krispy treats. I love all the things. Like your dog Whattizname. And your Aunt Whosis. Very fond.
You aren’t discarded
You’re obsolete. No longer needed! Thank you for your services dog sitting.
but we haven’t been working for a long time and I didn’t know how to tell you.
I thought my BackPage ads would say it for me.
I’m sorry about us.
I’m sorry you thought there was an “us.”
I feel horrible.
Enough about you.
I don’t know what I’m doing.
These dating profiles just keep writing themselves.
I don’t know where my life will go.
Syphilitic dementia most likely.
(Sorry, the UBT is getting stroppy.)
I feel lost to be honest.
Screwing randos. Wrong left turn. Tomato. To-mah-to.
I thought taking this new job would help and it’s only made my life worse.
I blame my employer for my terrible life choices.
I’m lonely most of the time.
Saw you Sunday. Boinked a prostitute Monday. There are entire intervals I don’t have to pay someone to be near me.
I don’t know what else to say except I’m sorry”
For being a lonely, lost man whose job makes him unhappy. I’m sorry I’m suffering. If only I could alleviate this pain. Let’s call Bambi. 1-800-36D-TITS. Hey, Foolme — could you dog sit Wednesday?