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The unicorn has died for reality star wifetress Tori Spelling and rancid slab of Canadian bacon, Dean McDermott.
Alas, CN, infidelity did not make their marriage stronger. (The Reconciliation Industrial Complex shall now gather for a moment of silence.)
Meanwhile, let us snark. Here are five reasons Tori and Dean’s divorce was inevitable.
1.) Their relationship began as an affair.
As you’ll recall (I’ve been reporting on this nonsense since 2014) Tori and Dean cheated on their spouses the day they met each other on a film set. Tori’s chump soon got the I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You speech. Yahoo reports:
The Scary Movie 2 star detailed telling her first husband about her affair with McDermott in her 2009 book, sTORI Telling. “I told him that I’d never been in love with him. I loved him and he’d been a friend to me, but I married him because he was a great guy, a guy who took care of me. Charlie didn’t want to hear it,” Spelling wrote. “He kept saying, ‘Where’s all this coming from? We have a perfect relationship.’ Then he turned to me. ‘Did you cheat on me?’ I said yes. He said, ‘It was with Dean, wasn’t it?’ I said yes. He said, ‘I should have known.'”
Charlie was unavailable for comment today, having likely overdosed on schadenfreude. Meanwhile, McDermott’s ex, Mary Jo Eustace, made a minor cringy career as a wronged wife, but not so wronged that she didn’t mess around with McDermott while he was married to Spelling.
Point is, these were two shallow people with a commitment as sincere as a 2 a.m. reverse mortgage ad. Tori was never special. Because…
2.) Dean McDermott did not get a character transplant.
He continued to be exactly what he is — a serial cheater. Remember Emily Goodhand? (A 28-year old Schmoopie with a double entendre for a name.) There were others. And booze! And Dean’s sorry. So, so sorry. But not so sorry he didn’t do it all over again. And again. And again.
3.) Babies make bad anchors.
Five children cannot tether that dick. He walked out on his first wife and child. Tori, did you expect differently? You do not have a magic uterus. Babies make bad FW anchors. But they do make good product placement judging by your Instagram. Shout out to the Beverly Hills hotel! Candy Spelling is going to have to pay for a lot of therapy.
4.) Tori Spelling’s hopium was not compelling television.
How many years must the public endure Tori and Dean’s Love Against All Odds? There was True Tori and the Lifetime specials. Oh, and Tori & Dean: sTORIbook Weddings! where they rebranded themselves as celebrity wedding planners! (It collapsed after a $60 million lawsuit alleging they stole the idea.)
Hammy actor though he is, I personally think Dean got tired of playing the role of Repentant Husband. As I once wrote: “Come Back to us Dean!”:
Tired of bleeding, tired of answering Tori’s stupid questions about the babysitter. Dean’s soul wants a pancake. It wishes to be left alone in Canada where he and his demons can go ice-fishing. And maybe cruise for escorts. Anyway, Dean’s soul is EXHAUSTED. Enough, Tori! ENOUGH!
5.) Winning the ‘Pick Me Dance’ isn’t winning.
Whether they divorce or not, Tori and Dean demonstrate that the pick me dance sucks. Ever wonder what winning a cheater looks like? Read the Tori and Dean timeline here. His constant sex demands. The tax debts. The 6-digit unpaid Amex bill. The children they cannot afford. The divorce they cannot afford. That time Tori fell backwards into a hibachi grill. Dean tattooing his dick. Then hoovering his first wife, Eustace, saying it was a mistake to leave her.
Maybe Tori is going to rebrand as a plucky single mom. Maybe Dean is going to die in a tragic poutine accident. (Hot gravy meet intimate tattoos…) Maybe this whole divorce rumor is just another desperate bid for a new reality TV series RECONCILE OR DIE, where Esther Perel parachutes in to explain Dean’s exuberant acts of defiance.
Stay tuned. Or tramp stamp “Tori” on your butt crack. Or have a fifth child. I dunno.