Stay in Touch

Check out CL's Book

UBT Me, Please

Universal Bullshit Translator
The Universal Bullshit Translator

Well, this doesn’t happen very often. A cheater submitted their OWN bullshit to the Universal Bullshit Translator.

Yes. Really.

This blog is absolute crap! I believe that the infidelity person should be given a second chance to prove that they can have the life they had before they caused and made a big mess of “you’ve made your bed now lie in it.” I had a 4-month affair, it was shit and I don’t know what made me keep going back there to this prick of a guy I was cheating on my husband with. My husband is my home and heart I’m just the Asshole that that became greedy not a “narcissist” as you keep labelling people. This is not stupid shit people say. I want my husband back and I want the life I had with him back. I love him with all my heart!


Dear Nic,

You asked for it…

This blog is absolute crap!

The UBT’s feelings are incredibly hurt by a self-described asshole. The depth of the UBT’s pain is proportional to the deep admiration it has for your ability to craft run-on sentences.

I believe that the infidelity person

“Cheater” is such an ugly word. “Infidelity person” is just one of those randomly assigned labels. Like Tadpole when you’re put in the slow pool and you really believe you’re a Dolphin.

should be given a second chance to prove that they can have the life they had before they caused and made a big mess of “you’ve made your bed now lie in it.”

I’m entitled to a second chance. Big messy beds consequences suck. If you give me a second chance, I will PROVE that I can turn back time to those simpler days… when you were a chump.

I had a 4-month affair, it was shit and I don’t know what made me keep going back there to this prick of a guy I was cheating on my husband with.

I have no idea why I had a 4-month affair. Maybe if I can go back in time and cheat all over again, I’ll figure it out! My moral befuddlement should totally reassure you. Let’s stay married!

My husband is my home and heart

The prick is just a guy I like to fuck.

He doesn’t have a home (or one I’m welcome in), so I need a place to crash. I LOVE YOU BABY! Fluff the pillows, I’m coming home!

I’m just the Asshole that that became greedy not a “narcissist” as you keep labelling people.

Greedy asshole is so much nicer than “narcissist.”

I don’t know how infidelity people become greedy. Just one of those messy bed things. We should stop labeling tadpoles.

This is not stupid shit people say.

No. I wrote this stupid shit.

I want my husband back and I want the life I had with him back.

I don’t really care what he wants. I miss cake.

I love him with all my heart!

He dumped me! And my prick boyfriend did too.


This one ran earlier. Chump Lady is sick with COVID! First time. Vaxxed, boosted… and unlucky. Be careful out there, CN.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at [email protected]. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • I was hoping the UBT could translate the “I love you with all my heart” part. My X would say that too, but of course it was rhetoric- over-expressing a feeling he knew he should have, but if he really did love me and the children, he wouldn’t have abuse us, lied and cheated for 20 years.

    • Maybe he did love you with all his heart, but unfortunately his heart is as big and as dried out as a raisin.

    • UBT: I love you in that whole-hearted-fuck-around-with-other-people-and-lie-to-you-about-it way.

    • He loves you and the kids the way most people “love” an object they’re very fond of – their new iPhone, or a great pair of shoes, or the T-shirt they’ve had since college. Meaning, “I like having this object around and I have many fond memories associated with it”. Not, “I care for it like a fellow human being”.

      • Exactly! FW ‘loved’ me the same way he ‘loved’ each of his cars. His ‘love’ was all consuming at first, but as the mileage ticked up and problems arose, he began to lose feelings. Eventually, it was time to trade the old car/wife appliance in for a newer model.

  • Omg Tracy — feel better!

    As for this “infidelity person”… It begs the question, why focus on CL? If a cheater FW wants to prove that they are a unicorn, fucking prove it. Do everything — all the things — to earn back trust from a Chump. Give your Chump all the proof. All the info. All the money. Post-nup. Get personal therapy.

    CL’s blog is not the problem 😂

    Man oh man are FWs dumb

    • Because everyone else is wrong, not the “infidelity person”. Wow. That letter is “Me me me, me me me me me, me!” Ick. Probably her “non-infidelity person” found CL blog and how dare CL give them the courage to refuse to accept the messy bed anymore! It’s almost laughable.

    • “CL’s blog is not the problem”. It is to cheaters. Sorry, “infidelity person”. 🤣. It must be so hurtful to be snarked on and called out on one’s bullshit. The RIC is much more sensitive.🙄

    • If my FW could have blamed the Chump Lady blog for me leaving, he would have. Anything to not take responsibility for himself and his actions!

      • Chumpy—Mine doesn’t know I am here. He would 100% blame this blog. Obv, my leaving is his fault, but this blog has turned my resolve into a steel rod.

    • Just another version of the “it’s not the terrible thing I’m doing that’s the problem, it’s your reaction that’s the problem.”

  • CL,

    I hope that you get better soon.

    Nic, you can – to quote Douglas Adams – “Go stick your head in a pig.”

    You cheated on your husband (a funny way to treat your “home and your heart”), found out that the grass wasn’t quite so green on Cheater-side, and now you want your husband and the life that you had with him back. You’ve done the “fcking around” (which was apparently sht, but that’s on you) and now you are finding that the “finding out” isn’t quite to your taste. You say you love your husband with all of your heart. I doubt it ….. I suspect that it’s more like “I would love – with all of my heart – to avoid the consequences that are due to me.”

    I’m willing to bet that your husband’s take on this differs from yours.


    PS – Thank you to all of CN who wished me well for today’s house move. For LAJ; I’m currently taking a break on the blue velvet Chesterfield I mentioned yesterday. You really should get yourself one!

    • I was originally thinking green velvet but I have a big cow painting with a blue sky, so maybe blue. Lot of wood here in the LAJ cave so blue would pop. Moving is so hard! Take as many breaks as you need!

      • LAJ,

        I’m pacing myself; aimpoint is getting it ready for when the girls get home at the weekend. 🙂


        PS – as regartds sofas, I’m blue all the way.

  • Wow. These FWs are total victims. Everywhere they turn, the world doesn’t like them (their actions, lies, self-pity, grammar, and dislike of consequences). I think I hear the smallest violin ever playing. It is hard to play the victim when you’re so combative though. Hmm

  • 🤣 UBT, my heart is yours. Always.

    I have corrected the many errors in this troll rant.

    “This blog is making me feel like absolute crap! I believe that the infidelity person, (which is totally a legit job title, thank you very much) should be given a second, third, fourth, and fifth chance to prove that he/she can have the appliance he/she had before. The infidelity person (or should I say extramarital boinking specialist?) caused and made a big mess of your bed while lying in it fucking somebody else. Sorry about the semen. Maybe if you had bought 400 thread count Egyptian cotton I would have thought twice, cheapskate! I had a 4-month affair. It was shit. Did you know pigs love shit? I don’t know what made me keep going back there to this prick of a guy I was cheating on my appliance with. Please refer back to my question about pigs. My appliance is conveniently my home and heart because I need his money and somebody to come home to. But you must understand, home and heart sure are a bore. Pricks, otoh, are exciting. So what’s the problem? I’m just the asshole who became greedy, not a “narcissist” as you keep labeling people. Don’t label my labia, bitch! Actually, my labia are borderline, so get it straight. This is not stupid shit people say, it’s stupid shit I say. I want my reliable old Maytag back and I want the life I had with him back. I love my Maytag with all my heart! Oh Maytag, Maytag. Wherefore art thou, Maytag?”

  • Your snark is the very best. Thanks for the laugh! I hope you are feeling better soon. <3

  • Crap tends to follow an entitled cheater. The grass was greener until the affair was exposed. Scorched earth replaces the high of duping an unsuspecting chump. It’s pretty narcissistic to use others and expect to keep what you carelessly abandoned.

    You risked your partners health, spent months infatuated with a side piece, and spent marital funds without a care in the world.

    Yeah, that’s the crap of consequences. Life moved on for your X. He deserved what you as an entitled, selfish, lying, blame shifting asshole couldn’t provide. Next….

    Hope you’re feeling better Tracy!

  • CL, I hope you feel better soon!
    The entitlement runs deep with this Cheater and self-described asshole. Me, Me, me! I DESERVE another chance! So I can hide my cheating better!
    Like the husband-appliance would ever be able to trust the cheater again.

  • Hope you feel better soon and rest. Vaxxed and boosted here. Got it in early April for first time.
    This “chance to prove that they can have the life they had before”. What does that even mean? Do they mean a chance to be the person they should be, or it should all go back the way it was before? It probably means they are selfish jerks.

    • For me the verb that jumped out was HAVE. Not the chance to prove they can DO better, that they can WORK on themselves, that they can REBUILD trust, that they can LEARN, EARN, STAY, or KEEP. Nope. Just to prove that they can HAVE what they had before. A docile, credulous spouse, maybe? Entitlement all the way.

  • 100% support your rest and recovery, CL. All the pros say deep rest is super important to the best possible recovery. Hope you and the family weather it all OK.

    My favorite line of this one is “I don’t really care what he wants, I want cake.” An excellent summary of a cheater’s sense of entitlement. After all, in infidelity, the philosophy is “these rules are for me (ok if I lie to you to screw someone else) but not for thee “you’re my whole world when it’s convenient so you should want to be with only me whenever that’s what I want.)

    This cheater is in the literal “find out” stage of the FAFO process. Grasp at all the straws you want, cheater, but there aren’t enough straws in the world to make you a person who deserves a second chance with a person you already abused.

    Want a second chance? Get a therapist and work on your bullshit yourself before being in any more relationships so you’ll stop making the world worse — and possibly deadly — for more abuse victims. (Cheating kills, asshole.)

  • “Greedy”? Wait, what happened to “I don’t know why I did this”?

    I am so sick of entitlement-to-forgiveness culture.

    • My xFW demanded that I forgive him 2 months after he came clean about his 7 year affair. “Why aren’t you over this?” Nevermind my devastation, HE wanted a wife-appliance again.

      • My husband asked me back (he had kicked me out of our house with threats, but like an idiot I went back), but he never stopped seeing OW. He had the audacity to say to me “you don’t seem happy to be home”. No, I don’t. Not when you spend your entire weekend with your whore while I clean and fix the house and watch our child.

        Needless to say, our wreckonciliation didn’t last long.

      • They don’t really care about forgiveness. They care that you “forget” their cheating ways so they may continue having cake & eating it too. To them , that means you MUST NOT TALK ABOUT IT and if you do, they’ll blame you for not forgiving.

      • Ivy, Two months isn’t even enough time to grasp that a 7 YEAR affair happened! At the 2 month mark, I could barely put together a coherent thought on the topic. My mind just bounced around to every bit of crap that had been handed to my unsuspecting self. They are nothing if not entitled.

      • Ivy league, Chump, I wonder what would’ve happened if you had said that you will take an equivalent amount of time, let’s say seven years, to have them do the dance to prove themselves worthy of you? My guess is that it wouldn’t have Lasted two weeks

  • I’m just recovering from first time Covid too. I lost smell & taste for 5 days (which was hella weird). I’m also vaxxed so I hate to think what I might have gone through if I hadn’t been!!! Take care of yourself >3

    • I was not vaxxed and was back to about 80% by end of the second day. By day 3 I was at 90% and back to doing light exercise, etc. TBH, I’ve felt worse with the flu! But, I’m sure everyone’s experience is different.

  • I hope you are feeling better soon Chump Lady and thank you to you and the UBT for being knights in shining armour that slay cheaters with your mighty keyboard.

  • I’m so sorry you’re sick CL! That really sucks. Hoping you feel better ASAP!

  • Raise your hand if you gave your cheater a 2nd chance and they kept blew it. Now keep it up if you gave him/her a 3rd chance? 4th? I stopped at 4 but i bet a ton of you can keep going

    • 🖐️ 🖐️ 🖐️ and then he went super undercover.

      The part that got me about the OP letter was “ I don’t know what made me keep going back there to this prick of a guy I was cheating on my husband with.” Her default mechanism is to blame and criticize and never look within herself.

      CL, Hope you have a fast recovery, and no lasting symptoms!

      • Such a mystery. Not their fault that there were keys to the car right there. And then the car just kind of went on auto-pilot, and stopped right where the AP was staying. And really, the FW just HAD to get out and check on the prick for reasons that had nothing to do with itchy genitalia.

    • I gave 2 chances and on D-day 3 I stopped loving him and decided I would divorce him when our child graduated high school. By the 4th, he was the one talking divorce and I knew I would not waste any more time waiting for the other shoe to drop. I believed at first that I would destroy my child’s life but when I realized FW might actually file, anyway, I saw no reason to spend another decade plus miserable with him. I have come to learn I would not be doing my child any favors by trying to wait. I found CL not long after that.

      After a few D-days you figure out that they are only sorry they got caught and pile on more and more lies. Plus, every time you find the truth they treat you worse and worse as if it’s the chump’s fault they are disordered. Like CL says, you realize there is nothing to work with here.

  • The UBT made heroic light work of that bagged word salad Nic the self described “greedy” “asshole” (label(s)) served up to the “crap” (label) blog. Looks like this cheater attempted a complex monkey branch manouver into/onto the “prick” of a guy (label) she affair-fucked for four months but then failed to stick the landing. Wah!!
    Call the wahmbulance!! Cheater doesn’t like it when she doesn’t control everyone. Flings labels freely but she doesn’t like the Narc profile for herself (cuz she is speshul) but we all know the shoe fits.
    This is a classic cheater tantrum. A+
    Calling John Wick: consequences are inbound and the market is cleared hot!

    Hope you beat that virus CL 💪🏼

    • Samsara enthusiastic YES to John Wick!! Has been my go to hero since d-day! Could watch him fight for days and mentally put the OW’s face on all the douches he puts down!!!

  • I’m sorry you have the vid, Tracy. I finally got it this spring. Same about being vaccinated, boosted, etc. I was sick as a dog for the first week, marginally better the second week. I gave it to my entire family who hadn’t had it either. I hope you get better soon!

  • Uhoh..hopefully it will be mild since you’re vaxxed. Take care of your self.

  • I’m sorry you have Covid. An important reminder on Covid, Vaccines and behavior – getting an illness of any kind is about probability/chance or the likelihood that a person will get sick under different sets of circumstances. Vaccines and behavior, also known as prevention, REDUCE the probablility/chance that a person will get sick, have mild symptoms and/or may get well faster, but prevention measures a person takes do not eliminate the probability/chance totally. That said – GET WELL SOON and I hope your preventive measures reduce your symptoms and your recovery is smooth and fast 😊

    • This is very important, Stephen. Thank you. It’s really remarkable that I didn’t get COVID until this past Christmas, as I worked in person through. most of the pandemic. But certainly having the shots kept me (over 70) from having a disastrous outcome.

  • The only thing Nic (AKA Narc) deserves a second chance at is repeating the 6th grade.

  • Yeah, story as old as time … she bet on the wrong horse. Oops. Crocodile tears. Faux contrition. Had this self-centered a-hole’s AP been the shallow Prince Charming she was seeking, her boring, staid, unattractive, we’re-just-like-roommates chump of a husband would have been swept under the rug for good cause – HER right to happiness, because that’s all that matters. But since her AP was just as devoid of character as she, she became the disposable roll in the hay. Now her security is threatened. She fears being a lonely, old dried-up cheater pants without her husband’s wallet.

    All bets are final.

  • I’ve had covid, and I’ve been chumped. I’ll take covid over chumpdom any day! However, get well soon.

  • COVID after vaccination: Kind of like getting chumped. You can do everything right, yet still have consequences because of others around you.
    Tracy, I hope you get well soon with no lasting reminders.

  • Get well soon! My elderly parents just caught it for the first time – vaxxed, boosted, the lot. It wasn’t too bad as a result – I hope yours is not too bad either.

  • Unless she had some spiritual awakening and miraculous character transformation between the first time this letter was published and today, this pathetic twat probably still subscribes to the Erich Segal/Love Story philosophy that “Love means never having to say you’re sorry” as it relates to infidelity. It wasn’t true in 1970, and it’s not true today. And now I’ve got that dreary earworm (song with that line sung by the Lettermen, I think) stuck in my head.

  • Oh no!!! Covid?? It’s happening still and now it wants the rest of us! Those that never got it and are truly resistant. Not! Sneaky virus! As a parable on cheaters who don’t like messy beds and cry and beg to come-back and they will be good!!!! PULEES! So you let them back and guess what? They still are viruses and even a mask won’t help anymore because they have better disguises, they morph into other viruses more likable and easier to digest and then and then, you get sick again!!! I’m sorry CL for using your Covid story To play on your misery now but my mind is on cheaters all day. The craft of it ,the entitlement, the arrogance of this letter to the UBT. I’m working on Getting a life but cheaters are my PHd of ruminating and how that virus hit me twice…while i am now finishing up on my own divorce it helps me process. MAYBE JULY!!!!???PTL! really! Get better Tracy!!💔=💛 We need you!!

  • First, CL: Sorry you have COVID and I do hope it’s a light case. I had it over Christmas (also vaxxed and boosted) and haven’t had physical issues afterwards but getting back to my old “get it done” ways has been tough. Maybe COVID messed with my head! May you get better fast and have no lingering issues. Now I stay far away from big gatherings indoors. Never again.

    I’d add to the UBT’s take on “I want my husband back and I want the life I had with him back.” First, note that Nic manages to use “I” three times in one sentence and two of them are “I wants.” Not a word here or elsewhere about what her husband wants or needs–or the damage she did to him. My guess? Nic doesn’t want to support herself and she’s all about that husband appliance. Wonder how Nic took her encounter with the UBT?

    • “MY husband is MY home and heart” stood out, too. “My”, like a two-year-old would claim when snatching back a toy. To say nothing of the unconscious (to Nic-the-twat) implication that “My husband is my HOME” really means her husband is just real estate to her.

  • “should be given a second chance to prove that they can have the life they had before they caused and made a big mess”

    Not a second chance to prove that they really love their spouse and will do anything to make it up to them. Not a second chance to prove that they can change. Not a second chance to do better.

    A second chance to get back their cozy, easier life before you knew you were a chump.

    Hard pass.

  • Wishing you the mildest of cases and the speediest of recoveries, Tracy! I wish I could bring you casserole!

  • Oh My!! I hope your bout is a mild one and that you feel well very soon. Even though I have had the vaccine, 3 boosters and am about to get the fourth, I know covid is still an issue and probably will be for some time. Rest, hydrate, and lots of self-care.

  • I’m commenting before I’ve even finished reading because I was laughing so hard at “Like Tadpole when you’re put in the slow pool and you really believe you’re a Dolphin.”

    • I’m at the end now. I hope you feel better soon, CL, and don’t lose your sense of smell or taste. 🙁

  • First get well soon! Second, the UBT autocorrect is dead on. The reason why the blog is crap, sparkle dick-(your affair partner) is crap, everything is crap-is you Nic. At least you got the asshole part right. What pisses you off we know it, and because of this blog the poor guy you have been relationally abusing may know it too.

  • You are caught stealing at work, you fleece an elderly relative, you commit arson ……. you cheat on your partner

    I see no difference in these acts

    Other people have the right to cut off contact with deviant people

    Deviant people just don’t like that, tough shit.

  • Covid! Yikes. Take care of yourself. Hopefully it passes through quickly. Get well soon!

    I’m good with referring to klootzak as a greedy asshole. So many people misunderstand what a legit narcissist is actually like. I once thought a narcissist was someone who believed him or herself to be very good looking. In reality they think they are the actual center of the universe and they will brainwash and destroy their partners who don’t agree. But I digress. Greedy asshole is a good layman’s term for it.

    • I think “greedy asshole” fits just fine. But i findit hilarious that this FW feels that being called a narcissist is not ok, and feels that “greedy asshole” is somehow preferable? Just how low IS that bar?

      • ahhh… because narcissist comes with guaranteed : consequences for life.

        Anyone can be a greedy ASHhole but still not be required to : see a mental health professional regularly, possibly apply for disability services since commitment to employers may end in ego battles or deviance from rules/policies… etc…

        there’s a bigger safety net in admitting you need help but it disagrees with their disordered logic. Sad.

  • Get well soon Tracy! I hope it’s a very mild, quick case!

  • Ya know, my kid would sometimes have tantrums and break his toys in a fit of rage. When things calmed down he would always ask for his toy to be replaced.

    We would then have a talk about how we have to take care of things we care about, not carelessly break them for a feeling we are having the in moment. There were always more tears when we put the broken toy in the trash.

    It was hard to watch him experience all those tough feelings, but I don’t think it clicked in why that was such an important thing to do until I read this letter! This woman has no concept of natural consequences.

  • Get well soon, Tracy!

    I had COVID for the first time in March. I am vaccinated and boosted. I have AFIB, asthma, and am immunocompromised. I noticed symptoms at 8:00 am on a Friday; by 10:00 am I took my first dose of Paxlovid. Paxlovid nuked my symptoms, but I did experience REBOUND COVID a few days after completing the course of Paxlovid, which no one told me about. This has been a public service announcement!

    As for today’s post? Cheaters are vampires, and this blog is sunlight, garlic, a cross, and a stake that goes right through a cheater where a heart would be if they had one.

  • Sorry to hear you are sick CL! Feel better soon!!🌻🌷🌻
    I don’t think CN will hold it against you if you take a couple of days off from posting while you rest up. I sure wouldn’t. I know how exhausted I felt with it last April, you just crash from chair to bed to couch all day long. Even with shots and boosters, it was pretty intense.
    I love the old posts, I never mind when they are repeats. I am always picking up something very worthwhile. They are oldies but goodies.
    Nic, I only hope your husband was smart enough to leave you. You are probably cheating on another partner now and wondering why life doesn’t shower you with every joy you think you deserve. Get over yourself. The world does not begin and end for your benefit. I doubt you are fixable anyway, you only see your own journey through life. It’s known as narcissism and it sure sounds like you have a severe and incurable case of it.

  • Infidelity Person: Therapy. And if you must write to someone like CL, find a proofreader. You suck. I hope your husband has bailed.

  • I don’t remember seeing this post before. What an idiotic, fuckwit cheater. Not far from my FW XW’s recent declaration that she is “painfully aware” of what she did to me and our family. Yeah, right. Throw some more bullshit on the pile.

    As everyone else is pointing out, it’s more like, “I don’t like the nasty consequences you’re exposing me to!” Mostly what I’m doing is hard grey rock to the FW XW. So sorry I’m not providing the image you want to portray to your many local idiot supporters (what she wants to be able to say is look! Even my XH, that I fucked over by fucking and then marrying my lech of an older boss talks nice to me! I’m really a good person! Ignore the ever growing pile of shit I’m producing!)🙄😡

    I wonder what this cheater’s husband (hopefully now former husband) is doing now. I pray he’s building a better life w/out this self-centered fuckwit in his life.

    I hope you get better soon, Tracy. A coworker at FedEx Express just got Covid last week, along w/his wife and daughter. I asked him if it was still rough (I had it last spring), and he said the first two days were, but then it was just recuperation time for the next three days. May you be affected less than he was. Please take good care of yourself.

  • >
    %d bloggers like this: