God bless you for being there to help chumps! God bless Chump Nation for sharing stories and support to help chumps!
Five years ago, I connected with another chump via the Facebook Chump Lady group. We had similar stories with severe verbal and emotional abuse in 20+ year marriages, plus cheating, by our then husbands. We messaged each other multiple times a day, words of encouragement and understanding. We struggled. We celebrated. We struggled some more. We kept saying we were on the path to meh together!
A week ago, this amazing woman… an absolute hero, and the brightest, shining star this world has ever experienced… committed suicide.
In honor of my dear friend, would you please rerun “Please Don’t Kill Yourself For A Fuckwit”, or a new post, reminding fellow chumps that their lives are worth so much, and not to end them because of the abusers?
In Honor Of My Friend
I am so sorry you lost your friend and hero. I know how jagged and raw suicide grief can be. You can haunt yourself with the woulda, coulda shoulda’s. It’s like they take a part of you out with them. I hate that she was suffering. What a testament to her goodness that she was able to lift you up and help others even when her own world felt so dark. If you think a column would help you now or anyone else, I’m happy to rerun it.
Big ((hugs)) to you.
Don’t Kill Yourself for a Fuckwit
I get a lot of sad letters at Chump Lady. Letters like:
“I know I should leave him. But I am in pain, I really really love him so much!!! My life is meaningless without him. I think about him every single minute. I keep hoping he will realize I am the best girl, without me, he won’t be as happy as before. I am hoping he will change for me, I am hoping we can get back together. My world is only him. I don’t want to live without him. If he leaves, my world has no meaning anymore. I want to end my life.”
Please don’t end your life for a fuckwit! If anyone out there is feeling suicidal over a fuckwit, call a suicide hotline, call emergency services for an immediate psych evaluation, get on anti-depressants, find Jesus, find Yoga, adopt puppies — but whatever you do, do NOT kill yourself for a fuckwit!
Can you imagine a more pointless death? Offing yourself for a cheater? This is like committing hari-kari for finding gum on your shoe.
Look, I’m not trying to make light of your despair, chumps — I’m trying to offer perspective. I’ve been there, but let me tell you, these feelings are transitory. It baffles me now. but I once imagined driving into highway medians. For what? A bald, fat serial cheater who read fantasy elf lit and draped his trousers over chairs? A man who couldn’t pick up the dinner check for his widowed mother living on a coal miner’s pension, but would happily drop $800 on a new crossbow for himself? That selfish bastard? I marvel now that I wasted 5 minutes in his company, let alone considered ending my life over him. WTF was WRONG with me?!
I couldn’t live without THAT? The mindfuckery? The gaslighting? The constant drama? The pick me dance? The fucking elf lit?
Oh but there were good times! He… he could be really charming!
Yeah, like that time he threatened to kill me. #Kodakmemories
Fact was, I had sunk costs. I’d been whiplashed between sparkly impression management (KIBBLES! I GET A KIBBLE!) and straight-out abuse. I was EXHAUSTED. I had invested so much in that lie, but it was my lie. It was my LIFE. Please God, don’t make me start over.
Starting over was exactly the plan. And thank you Jesus, because I have a pretty swell life. Like yesterday, my son’s home from spring break and we went to the Smithsonian African American museum (his idea!) and had a great day together! And the day before that, he went to art class with me, and my Russian instructors swooned over how handsome he was, and told him he looked like Pushkin! And this kid hung out with me, drawing (my thing) for three straight hours, because he loves me, and maybe I’m kind of fun to be with sometimes, now that I’m not a snotty mess mourning a fuckwit.
Sure, my son would still love me if I was a snotty mess mourning a fuckwit, but I am infinitely more cool without the fuckwit.
And you are too. Which brings me to the Universal Bullshit Translator.
“I know I should leave him. But I am in pain, I really really love him so much!!!
It’s completely rational to leave people and things which PAIN us. Loving pain? Not rational.
Healthy love doesn’t inflict pain. Do you want to be healthy, or unhealthy?
My life is meaningless without him.
No it is not. YOU ascribe meaning to your life, not him. DO NOT GIVE HIM THAT POWER. Fill your life with a thousand things that are NOT him — peonies, Broadway showtunes, warm cookies, Agatha Christie novels, handknit socks. These are just a few of my favorite things… that aren’t fuckwits. Make your own list.
When you give him ALL meaning, that means you are prioritizing his God-like status above people who actually DO love you, like your family or your children.
Really? You want to worship at the Fuckwit altar when you have all that?
I think about him every single minute.
Seriously. STOP IT. Go out for a walk. Dial a friend. Dial a stranger. Get on my forum. Drop and give me 50 pushups. Just STOP this shit.
I keep hoping he will realize I am the best girl, without me, he won’t be as happy as before.
That’s not going to happen. If he valued you, he wouldn’t cheat on you.
Forget about his happiness. Trust me, he’s happy fucking you over. It’s what these people do.
How about you be the “best girl” for you?
I am hoping he will change for me,
Not gonna happen.
I am hoping we can get back together.
Could happen. And then it will bring you pain and thoughts of suicide. Ergo, I don’t think getting back together is a good idea. The fuckwit isn’t having a character transplant.
My world is only him.
Your world is too small. Why not have your own world instead of being a minor satellite to Planet Narcissist?
I don’t want to live without him. If he leaves, my world has no meaning anymore. I want to end my life.”
“Here lies the remains of a Minor Satellite Chumptronic 45DK0983, which crashed to earth after its last voyage to Planet Narcissist. Its exploratory mission ended when it found Planet Narcissist arid and uninhabitable. Scientists believe the minor satellite then had an existential crisis when it falsely concluded that no planets could sustain life if Planet Narcissist could not sustain life.
The satellite was last seen hurdling towards Pittsburgh, as a fiery ball of space trash.”
Don’t end your life over a fuckwit. Live. Explore. There are better worlds out there.