— Daily Mail US (@DailyMail) July 3, 2023
Poor Cindy Silva. The woman was just going about her business grocery shopping as a 66-year-old woman who looks 66. Not 66-botoxed-as-36. Or 66 surgically augmented to be age indeterminate. But — gasp! — gray and post-menopausal.
And worse! UNMARRIED!
But to the Daily Mail, Cindy has one immutable identity — as c
hunk of petrified wood actor Kevin Costner’s ex-wife. A woman who committed the unspeakable crime of shopping while wearing Birkenstocks. Excuse me, I mean aging.
THIRTY YEARS AGO, the former model and mother of three, divorced Costner for his wandering dick. Costner denied his dick was wandering. His dick, he claimed, was out conducting “a job interview.” That was after the paparazzi caught a hula dancer coming out his hotel room in the wee morning hours while filming the giant flop Waterworld.
What job? Sex worker? Anyway, Kevin wasn’t original with his bullshit. Cindy divorced his ass. For which she received an $80 million divorce settlement and a much better Kevin-free life.
But thanks to the Daily Mail people might be questioning Cindy’s mightiness, and focus instead on the implied reasons why Kevin’s dick (allegedly) wandered — Cindy was going to let herself go…
… Thirty years in the future. So hey, he had to screw around preemptively. And wasn’t that a lucky miss?
At the time, in 1995, the cheating scandal was very hard… on Kevin. He told Parade magazine then.
The collapse of my marriage was the hardest thing of all for me.’
For him! Can’t a dick conduct a few job interviews without the world falling apart?
Since then Kevin’s gone on to father four more kids, and enjoy another divorce, which wasn’t his idea either. Second wife Christine Baumgartner just dumped his ass this year. (Friendly tip, Christine, spend the next 30 years looking impeccable while grocery shopping, okay?)
Kevin’s representative stated:
“It is with great sadness that circumstances beyond his control have transpired which have resulted in Mr. Costner having to participate in a dissolution of marriage action.
Has your dick been cruising LinkedIn again, Kevin?
You know who doesn’t care — Cindy Silva out there living her best life. With fancy groceries and comfortable feet.
The Daily Mail can fuck right off.
Hey episode 3 of the Tell Me How You’re Mighty podcast is out today — on the tragicomic subject of D-Days. Don’t forget to subscribe! It’s available on Spotify and Google podcasts. (And more streaming services soon, we have to bank more episodes.)