Divorce Minister and UXWorld to Speak at Chumpalooza
Telling people you’ve been chumped is no easy thing. But to be public about it and help others through the meat grinder is another level of exposure and vulnerability all together.
I’m talking about CN members Divorce Minister and UXWorld — who will be speakers at Chumpalooza this November 4. They’ve both been out front changing the infidelity narrative.
David Derksen, aka Divorce Minister, has been challenging the evangelical community about its divorce shame and victim blaming by creating the award-winning blog divorceminister.com and the follow-up book Cheated On: The Divorce Minister Guide for Surviving Infidelity and Keeping Your Faith. He’s a Yale Divinity School graduate and works for U.S. Department of Justice as a Federal Bureau of Prisons Chaplain. He is very happily remarried to Aubree, aka Ms. Fiestypants, and a father to “Munchkin.”
At Chumpalooza, David’s going to talk about the spiritual harm of being cheated on. What it means to lose your community and have your faith identity shattered. How do you rebuild when the people you thought were safe side with your abuser?
If you’ve spent any time on this blog, you know Paul Doncaster, aka UXWorld, our resident song parodist. But did you know he’s also a seasoned Moth Radio storyteller? Here’s some badass mighty — the guy got on a live sound stage and told his D-Day story — while his ex and her affair partner were in the audience.
At Chumpalooza, Paul will be hosting the Tell Me How You’re Mighty storytelling evening on Saturday, Nov. 4, — a showcase of five- to seven-minute stories of mightiness, told by the chumps that lived them, in front of the best audience one could hope for.
Need help finding the guts to get up and talk about it? Paul will be your coach. He’ll work with all volunteer tellers to craft their stories, find the best ways to deliver them, and be inspiring.
Paul says:
Our personal stories give us perspective, clarity, and hope. They help us solidify our reality and see the absurdity. They create connections that help us heal ourselves and each other.
Hey, Tracy. How can I get in on all this mightiness?
Get tickets for Chumpalooza here. You don’t want to miss all these badasses in one room. I’ll be making more announcements on speakers and events soon.
But Tracy, I live in Burkina Faso and I cannot make it to Chumpalooza.
Work on that. But meanwhile, you’ll be happy to know that Paul is going to be a guest this month on our Tell Me How You’re Mighty podcast.
You have a podcast?
YES. With Sarah Gorrell. The third episode drops tomorrow. You can find Tell Me How You’re Mighty on Spotify and Google podcasts. (And more streaming services soon. Apparently you have to bank a few before iTunes picks you up.)
Sarah and I are going to be discussing with Paul the cringe factor of being Out There with our chump stories. How it’s received, the dumb things people say, and why it’s important to have positive representation as a chump.
Our interview with Paul will come out later this month (on a Tuesday, naturally). Tomorrow’s episode is on D-Days (you can hear Sarah’s tragic “flip-flop” story). And on July 11 we have what turned out to be a rather disagreeable interview with British therapist Andrew G. Marshall.
I can’t wait until July 11 to hear the “affair proof your marriage” controversy.
Well then, you’re in luck. If you support the blog (for as little as $3 a month!) on Patreon you get the podcast days before anyone else.
Well CN, that’s a lot of self-promotion before breakfast. To you all in the U.S., hope you’re enjoying the long holiday weekend. Any stories you’d like to share about telling people you were chumped? Any stupid shit people said to you? Tell me in the comments — or if you want to be on the podcast, leave us a voicemail.
My first Dday was July 4th, 2010. In some ways it feels much longer ago than that. Maybe it’s my meh. 😊
Monogram’s!!!!!!! It’s 7 years today that I left the lying cheater, who I found out after had done that same thing to his first marriage! He just got married again,. Let freedom ring for us!!!! YAH!!
That’s congratulations!!!
CL,
The podcasts are amazing! I feel like you and Sarah are BFFs and I get to be a fly on the wall while you dish everything infidelity together. ❤️
Been tremendously helpful in encouraging my own path to mightiness. Can’t wait to hear you with pseudo-therapist and cheater extraordinaire Andrew G. Marshall.🤮
After years of this Jewish girl loving Divorce Minister’s spot-on comments about not losing faith, even if it’s faith in mankind, I’m excited to meet him in person.
And UXWorld always makes me laugh with his parodies and comments!
Cannot wait for November help further Chump’s world domination
🙌 🫶
Agree Rebecca, I love listening to podcasts at work and I’m not sure I’ve ever heard a first episode sound so natural and so good.
I like how you two start with basics so it’s easy to share with new Chumps (or just those new to CN).
SO EXCITED to come to Chumpalooza. I haven’t even started my shiny new post-graduation job yet, and I’m already requesting the time off.
I’m also obsessed with the podcast. Excellent work!
The best part about telling people was that I found support in unexpected places. Thanks for me my safe community in the middle of a war zone!
Im so proud of DM and UX for their awesomeness and so happy to see this line-up.
SQUEEEEE!!!! Divorce Minister!!! That blog is good soul medicine.
Sounds like an amazing weekend of chump-style is coming together! I won’t be there- I’ll have used up my holiday time 🙁 but I hope to hear and read about some mighty stories!!! Go Chumps!
I love the podcast but will pass on listening to the RIC encounter. It just turns my stomach. I swear, I sometimes feel like I have more PTSD from being wronged by the MC than by klootzak. I’m grateful to CL fighting the good fight against their nonsense, but I find reading or listening to it too much to handle. Like physicians who physically abuse patients, I feel like MCs who do this to chumps abuse our minds and emotions. It felt like a further violation.
I’m much looking forward to chumpalooza. I know I am repeating myself but in my life, I only know two other people who both live many hours away who have been chumped. I am looking forward to physically being with CN. People who really understand this pain and upheaval. And it will be at a time when I know I will really be needing the boost to be mighty.
Tracy you’ve created a monster in the BEST way possible! I love all this
Thank you for all your work and to divorce minister and UXWorld
And of course CN. Happy Independence Day I’ll be in the airport working, but that’s ok! We all have our day♥️
It’s mighty to work in the airport on a holiday weekend. Sending strength!
Fantastic news! It’s unlikely I can go, since Covid shows no sign if going away and my immunity is compromised. It sounds like a ton of fun.
Stupid shit people said to me after I told them;
A family member;
“Well, he didn’t do anything to US, so why should we cut him off.”
😥
Another family member, after urging me to stay with FW and even yelling at me about it;
“You’re too sensitive. It’s impossible to talk to you about this.”
🙄
An acquaintance;
“Even if you’re leaving him, you should forgive and be friends. My ex cheated, but we’re good friends now.”
🤡
Random idiot;
“Why would you resent his happiness? If he falls in love with somebody else and doesn’t want to be with you, that’s his perogative. I wished my ex well in his new relationship.”
😖
OHFFS,
We are in the early stages and still live together, but that is changing soon. I am going to need to start telling people soon, or maybe not “need to” but it may naturally come up. I am resistant to telling people. And I couldn’t quite figure out why exactly. I am embarrassed to an extent, but also realize I have nothing to be embarrassed about, I am not the cheater. I wonder if on some subconscious level, I am worried that people will say these stupid things to me? I guess one benefit I have is I can see what other chumps heard, and formulate responses that I feel good about?
Each comment worse than the last!
So sorry you had to hear such stupidity!
Thank you so much, Rebecca.
I also got some kind remarks, mostly from people who didn’t know my “nice guy” cheater. He has almost everybody he knows fooled.
I had to have an estate sale and worked with a professional couple to set it up. The woman questioned why I had such a big house to myself, and I told her the short version. She replied “If you lived in Korea, your life would be over!” While her horrified husband looked on. Still gave them my business due to shell-shock, I guess.
Later, on the upside, I told a co-worked what had happened after she’d asked after my well being (must have been looking right miserable as we were only aquaintances). I told her the abbreviated truth and she looked me dead in the eyes, straight faced, and with a thick Russian accent responded “You are so lucky.” I assume she meant about the divorce going forward. That was the first good laugh I’d had in a month and we’re good friends now, 7 years on.
“She replied “If you lived in Korea, your life would be over!””
I’m confused by this statement. Did she mean that being divorced is considered the kiss of death in Korea? I’m pretty sure lots of Koreans get divorced. She sounds like one stupid bitch.
It may have been more culturally clumsy than an active insult. In some cultures it is not common to get divorced, much less remarried. Older women that are not married, regardless of the reason, are devalued. Furthermore, if one does get remarried, especially past child bearing age, one is often perceived as a nymphomanic, or a gold digger. I’m saying this from the point of view of someone married — for the second time — to a South Asian and from listening to family conversations.
I assume she meant lucky to get away from a FW? lol
Yes, turns out she was praising the bravery of leaving the situation behind me.
Love UXworld and DM and am a huge fan of the podcast! 👏
I’d love to listen to UX’s Moth D-Day story. Is there a link?
There are several if you go to youtube and google his name and Moth radio.
👊💥THIS!💥👊
DivorceMinister and UXWorld are such badasses.
I resonate with DM as my evangelical church and minister shunned me and actually wanted me to meet with my abuser face to face to “talk things through” after he tried to kill me and had a restraining order on him. I asked my minister if he understood how restraining orders work and promptly reported him to the board – he was fired less than a week later and ran out of town! About 2 yrs ago he came back to town to minister another church and that asshole had the balls to contact me and ask me to support/promote a movie that was made about “his story”!?! (barf) Talk about a self righteous asshole!
His, my FW, and my “church friends” actions have forever put a nasty taste in my mouth about evangelical churches and churchgoers. I only stick to my home church (Episcopalian) because THAT is the only church that I’ve experienced that truly loves and accepts others and says it’s ok to set boundaries.
“my evangelical church and minister shunned me and actually wanted me to meet with my abuser face to face to “talk things through” after he tried to kill me and had a restraining order on him. I asked my minister if he understood how restraining orders work and promptly reported him to the board – he was fired less than a week later and ran out of town!”
Good work!
Most of my FW’s family are evangelicals, and the majority of them are cheaters and liars who treat their spouses shamefully. FW didn’t adopt the religious dogma, but he took to the family tradition of cheating, lying and mistreating spouses like a duck to water. I share your distaste for evangelical churches. The way a great many of the these churches approach LGBTQ and women’s bodily autonomy issues is reason enough to avoid them. It’s not a surprise that evangelicals would take a wife abuser’s side.
Amen! ^^^ALL OF THIS^^^
Me, showing permanent protective order with attached pics of the guns Ex threatened me with: “How can all y’all support him and shun me?”
Ordained minister, friend since college, looking at floor: “Well, he explained all that.”
Translated: He told everyone (and I do mean everyone) that I was a lying bitch.
Result: Every single (mainline progressive Christian) church person dumped me, despite the documented domestic violence and our three adult children’s complete estrangement. Hard to come back from that.
My husband’s comment. When you put “organized” and “religion” in the same sentence you have problems. He has faith but will not step foot in a church. He said he got more a sense of God sitting in a boat, in the middle of a lake, on a warm Spring day.
Wow. A “lying bitch” with a protective order and photos of his guns, huh? 😡
So many people believe whatever suits their own self interest and will ignore or rationalize away any evidence that they are wrong. It’s in their self interest to disbelieve and shun victims, because the existence of true victims is proof that it could happen to them or to somebody they care about. Plus, in a church community, it is evidence that prayers don’t transform people, that religious observance cannot make a decent human being out of a psychopath. That undermines the whole idea of being redeemed and lifted to a higher moral plane by faith, which is basic to religious belief. So you being abused by a member of their church hit them where they lived.
I’m so sorry they did that to you. I hope you have better people in your life now.
Wow, you know, it’s been 8 years. I’ve put myself back together but your kindness and empathy still made me cry. And I’m at work!
I shrunk my world down to my kids, my parents and my sister. I have added a new bestie (fellow chump!) but no one remains from the before time. Those few are still my people; my heart is too guarded now to admit anyone new. In my case, the primal need to feel safe, (physically, emotionally, financially) still rules my life.
Yes indeed it is very hard to come back from that! Big hugs to you, I get it❤️. Makes me loathe certain churches and denominations. May I ask, what denomination was it?
As a cradle-to-grave Methodist, it pains me to acknowledge the hurt. I will add that I have since transferred my membership to another very lovely, very welcoming Methodist church. And, not to get too deep into the weeds of church politics, but the church that rejected me has since rejected the denomination and its stance on LGBTQ members. So, I guess I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. It did take a while, though 🙁
I’m glad you found your place🙌❤️ and hate you went through that hurt….it’s a whole other level of abandonment that no one should have to go through.
I’ll get in those weeds with you, Eve. I found it oddly fitting when the Southern Baptist Convention ousted churches that employ women in pastoral roles. In 2023.
Because I’m noticing a theme, both in the churches and out, of rolling back rights and pressing down on those with less power. There are parents in my school district right now who are submitting books to be banned – and it’s SUMMER.
What are all these people so afraid of, and why now?
On a side note, is it just me or have y’all noticed that it is it way easier for men to come out publicly about infidelity than women?? These guys are badasses and I’m so thankful they are fighting the good fight on team chump but I seriously want to throat punch society sometimes. I say this because women who speak out publicly are ridiculed, judged, banished in certain circles, and even hunted down by unruly tactics (judicially, their jobs, Bible studies, not allowed to be the classroom parent, etc.). I know because myself and others women in my community experienced all of these things. I was specifically told by women in my community to shut up and stop sharing my story because it made them feel bad….needless to say they are longer in my circle but I did try it out because my career (and financials) were struggling. What I noticed is I got further ahead socially, professionally, and financially when I was quieter. So now I fly under the radar and share my story quietly to safe people. What’s interesting though is because I’ve been so open about it, my community knows my story. Safe people refer me to those in need and the unsafe ones stay away from me which has actually helped me in so many ways.
Yet, my now husband was admired by our entire community for his openness about his FW. Women and men adored him. He has told me stories of how easily career opportunities came to him and how people (especially women) felt sorry for him. As we have shared our stories with each other, he can’t believe the treatment I’ve gotten vs. his and other males. He appreciates my grit, whit, hard-work, and determination to do the right thing no matter how ugly society has been to me – it’s one of the reasons he fell in love and married me.
It’s just frustrating to me that women are ridiculed by society and treated as the bitter woman when men seem to have it much easier.
Could it be that it’s still more socially acceptable for men to be cheating than women? Flip side is less empathy for the chumped female spouse.
It’s interesting, no one shuns cheater celebrities when they dump their spouses and marry 20 yrs younger etc.
I agree. From what I’ve seen, experienced, and heard from those I’ve mentored – these points are very alive and real!
I think what happened w/you speaking your truth about your FW may be a result of your locality.
I can tell you as a male chump in New England, I have found some understanding people who know of the situation w/my FW XW, but more people who believe she couldn’t possibly be a bad person. She’s a “pillar of the community,” after all.🙄She’s got them all bamboozled (Thank God, my immediate family, except for my one brother, all support me). So it’s not just you or only female chumps, it seems.
That being said, it still sucks that in your community it’s skewed towards putting down the female chumps and celebrating the male chumps. That’s not right, like you said. Unfortunately, the world is not fair.
Best wishes to you and your new husband, who appreciates you. Ignore all the rest. He understands and loves you, and you understand and love him. That’s what matters.😊
The longer I live, the more I’m convinced that women’s problems are simply inconvenient to society.
Same! It’s infuriating to me in so many ways. I now find myself teaching my kids (they are mid/late teens) how not to be this way in hopes that it will at least make a difference in their and those they impact lives.
Southern Chump,
I’m sorry you feel that way about being able to speak your truth!
I told EVERYONE and had zero problems with it. I frequently used Tracy’s great suggestion…I didn’t like his girlfriend; bit crowded in the marriage.
I’m totally honest and upfront about the cheating and the black hole of depression I fell down as a result. I will never be embarrassed about everything that he did to me and the kids.
The shame is on him.
I cannot pretend it’s easy but I will never be quiet about HIS infidelity! Just wait until the non-disparaging clause is no longer in effect.
Rebecca, for clarity – I’m not ashamed to speak my truth and do it often. I just am very careful who I speak my truth too. In fact, I’ve been helping and mentoring other victims and their kids to get out of abusive situations or if they choose to stay, keep in contact to make sure they are safe for about 4.5 years now. I used to be very vocal about my abuse but soon realized that the more vocal I was, the more pushback I received in many ways that ultimately negatively affected my life. One example was I was sexually harassed at work which lead to me leaving without a backup because I was “tarnished” due to me speaking out against abusers and cheaters. One could say that I could have sued, but in my southern city you are blacklisted if you do such and a measly settlement is NOT WORTH not being able to provide for your family. I also noticed people distanced themselves from me and my kids in many areas of my life during that time. Ultimately, people distancing themselves from us ended up working to my advantage because during that time I purged toxic people, but, when I started rebuilding my life I decided to become very strategic about who and when I shared my survival story too. That was the game changer for me and I know that a lot of it has to do with my region (the South has historically been known for discrimination against women….including women against women).
I now have a better career making more than double than what I was, have an abundance of “safe” friends, and have gotten a lot further professionally and personally than I did when I was more public. And, I have had more opportunities to help other domestic abuse survivors by flying under the radar. I’ve found that it is safer for me, my children (one had been assaulted and heckled at a game by a parent) and the victims.
Heartbroken to hear you didn’t have the empathy band support you deserve.
How amazing that you have done so much to help others! That is mighty indeed 🥰
Empathy and support
It’s remarkable to see pictures of people you’ve only known from the blogosphere. It’s a lot like meeting a radio announcer.
UX world totally looks like I imagined in my head!
Wow! So glad I’m registered and already blocked out that weekend with family logistics. Can’t wait.
Now I’m looking forward to Chumpalooza even more, if that were possible. As MrWonderful’sEx mentioned above, it will be so nice to be among a throng of people who understand.
As for stupid shit people said:
My MIL’s response to learning that her son was cheating with ho-worker was to call, not to inquire after my wellbeing, but to ask, “Is she prettier than you?”
FW had spent decades building up his image as a pillar of the community, so sharing the news of our divorce with family and friends, especially those in the church, was especially difficult. Like many chumps, I hadn’t told anyone what was going on during “wreckonciliation,” because I prioritized protecting FW’s reputation over my need for support. I knew people would be shocked and devastated but I had not anticipated the degree to which people projected their disbelief onto me. Several asked me outright if I was sure I had this right, if I was overreacting.
When I called a friend in another state to catch her up, her response was to tell me that she’d observed FW’s Facebook posts as serving “sad single dad.” She then said something to the effect of, “Well, we know that you are an intelligent and sensitive person who thinks deeply, and since you left Facebook after 2016, we could only conclude that you’d abandoned your faith and walked out on your marriage, and we assumed that’s why we hadn’t heard from you.”
Acta,
Holy hell. I’m so sorry (your MIL?! Gross.) I left FB several years ago, too – fully expecting to get back on once the FW dust had settled. But the longer I was off, the less I wanted to go back.
As for your “friends,” they could ONLY conclude that you’d abandoned your faith? I’d bet I have some who believe that of me, too. May I just say, to yours and mine: Take the plank out of your eye, set it down, put your self-righteousness right on top, and walk away.
Lay those burdens down, Acta. Big hugs.
Gosh, the insult people add to injury is mind-boggling. No hate like Christian love!
Thanks for the virtual hug 🤗 Right back at ya!
I’m just so friggin’ proud of you guys! My chumpy heart is swelling. I feel like we’re part of the Resistance to a FW-dominated world. A Chump Nation Movement.
We’re all holding your beer, Tracy. Keep on rocking! 🙌🏻
I went on a YouTube deep dive this morning (was I supposed to be working? Yes. Am I sorry? Not one bit) to search for UX’s Moth performances. The one on dating after 50 is 👌🏼
I wish someone could make a documentary on Tracy’s evolution and how various amazing people are changing the conversation. It would be very Netflix worthy.
Oh how cool would that be? Great idea and yes I’d watch that. I’ve run out of content about psychopaths 😂 Watched Dirty John like 5 times
I’m so jealous that I can’t be at Chumpalooza. Any plans for an Australasia tour? 😉
And the UK leg of course. I look forward to hearing tales and hopefully seeing some pics from it from y’all. In the meantime I’ll keep tuning into the podcast.
I wish I could attend. I can’t justify the expense at this time and I’ll keep my fingers crossed for a San Francisco version.
Divorce Minister, your blog has been lifesaving. I consider my damaged faith my worst injury. Your site has helped repair my badly dented belief in God.
Ux, it’s a privilege to know you. I’ll always remember our Chump meeting in Concord and texts from you and Magnolia. You’ve been a much appreciated member of my recovery team!