I need to thank you and Chump Nation from the bottom of my heart. You gave me a fuckwit decoder ring right when I needed it. Thanks to you, I missed so many potholes I would have driven the whole horse and buggy straight into.
I was 4 hours into D-Day when I found you. My husband of 14 years was away on a camping trip and he’d finally deigned to respond to the “the doctor says you gave me an STD I can’t stay married to you” email. He waited 24 hours then sent a garbled, poorly dictated text message whose first word was “Verizon.”
When I asked him to retype the sentence, he said: “Ignore Verizon. I acknowledge your email.” He asked me if I wanted him to stay away a few days longer. And then he told me he’d bumped his head — pretty hard! — on his ride and he thought I should know.
Chump Lady, I drank a bottle of wine, then texted him that he was a fucker and a coward who had lied to my face for five months. Then I forcibly removed my fingers from the keyboard, searched Amazon, and found LACGAL and stayed up all night reading it.
Oh. My God.
If you would have asked me about my marriage even two weeks earlier, I would have said that my husband was tricky and a little emotionally stunted but we had our good times. Chump that I am, I had already suggested in my email that we start with mediation! I read the book, highlighted almost every passage, re-typed paragraphs into my Notes app (trying to sear them into my brain), sent snippets to my sister via text. I got the biggest wake up call of my life and immediately saw my marriage and my husband through new eyes……and, in this new reality, so many things made a lot more sense.
Today, it’s 18 days later. We were supposed to take a trip out of town the week after D-Day — instead I told him to go alone (dollars to doughnuts Schmoopie got a plane ticket).
While he was gone, I got an STD test (well, for the rest of them), found a storage space, found a place to live, moved everything out of the house that I cared about (five friends showed up to help; we were out in an afternoon). Forwarded my mail. Found, interviewed, and hired a lawyer. One day after he got home, the lawyer filed for divorce and the next day they sent him the paperwork.
Thanks to you, I am now conversant in fuckwit, so I was not at all surprised when:
- He texted multiple times before the trip to ask if he should cancel the catsitter (since I was now going to be home packing and not on vacation with him)
He texted to ask for my help in understanding the “confusing” paperwork the lawyer had just sent “with a list of demands”
He asked when in the divorce process we (translation: he) got to “communicate directly to the courts what we wanted to see happen financially”
He wrote this afternoon (four days after the divorce filing) noting that the lawyer letter had said he couldn’t make any financial moves — and he wanted to buy a new house so would I sign an affidavit STATING THAT HIS FINANCES WERE SEPARATE FROM MINE so he could put in a bid? (It’s worth noting that this is the same man wouldn’t let me change a chair after I moved in with him, so I think this note was less about the money strategy and more about rubbing my face in buying a new house with or for the AP).
In our first meeting, I asked my lawyer about a no contact order, and she asked me to try a civil approach first and not block him and that we could escalate if necessary. So when he asked about signing the affidavit, I wrote back: “I will ask my lawyer” (knowing the answer was HELL TO THE NO). Then I cut and pasted her response back. (“Until you have full financial disclosures you should not be doing anything. That’s why the injunction is in place. He cannot buy the house.”)
His response: “I’m sorry we cannot communicate and be respectful.” And: “I was hoping we could communicate our intentions, but I understand you are speaking only through lawyers. I’m sorry we got to this.”
Here’s what I’m winding up to: Indirectly, you have also taught my sister to speak fuckwit, so instead of replying to him I told her about the exchange and I thought you might enjoy her response (to me, not him):
1) I’m sorry you thought it would be any other way after you gave me an STD from your trashy girlfriend.
2) because you can’t do whatever you want, THAT is disrespectful? Let’s revisit that word, sir.
3) if this makes you mad, just wait.
Thank you for adding rocket fuel to my learning curve — just the message/mindset I needed and I am so grateful. I was completely blindsided and spent the first week in shock, I’ve had many crappy days, I’ve made liberal use of an emergency Xanax prescription, and I am still waiting for my high-risk HPV results. But I’m proud of where I’ve gotten and the clarity I’ve achieved. Wish me luck, chumps.
Standing on the Shoulders of the Mighty Chumps Before Me
Dear Standing on the Shoulders of the Mighty Chumps Before Me,
Girl, you don’t need luck. You’ve got mightiness to burn. I LOVE THAT YOU SERVED HIM IMMEDIATELY. Just shoot that into my veins! Letters like yours are why I do this. And it’s the reason recovered chumps come back here and comment — to save the newbies pain.
Well done! You snatched your power back and I’m certain he doesn’t like it one bit. The poor moppet. He’s bumped his head. You might have cervical cancer thanks to his wandering dick, but he has a boo boo! Get on that stat!
What’s this? A summons? A consequence?
Alas, it’s all fun and games until the chump lawyers up.
His response: “I’m sorry we cannot communicate and be respectful.”
And I’m sorry you can’t keep your poxed dick in your pants.
“I was hoping we could communicate our intentions, but I understand you are speaking only through lawyers.”
He’s fortunate you don’t speak through threaded pipes and a guy name Vinnie. He potentially gave you a lethal STD.
“I’m sorry we got to this.”
Isn’t it funny how they have no idea how “this” happens? It’s so unfortunate, these consequences. He fails to understand your hostility.
– He texted multiple times before the trip to ask if he should cancel the cat sitter (since I was now going to be home packing and not on vacation with him)
WHO WILL DO THE ADULTING?! You can’t expect this man to cancel a cat sitter. He’s very busy sitting in stunned silence right now.
– He texted to ask for my help in understanding the “confusing” paperwork the lawyer had just sent “with a list of demands”
His lawyer can explain it to him. They bill in 6-minute increments. Hope he’s a quick study.
– He asked when in the divorce process we (translation: he) got to “communicate directly to the courts what we wanted to see happen financially”
Oh yes sir. Everyone is totally invested in what you “want to see happen.” The court system is absolutely predicated on your wishes. At the leprechaun tribunal in Gofuckyourselfistan. Rub your summons three times and a Genii will appear.
God, he really doesn’t understand how this works, does he?
Well, not your problem! And isn’t that glorious? Thanks for the wonderful letter to start the week. Keep us posted and fingers crossed on a positive outcome with the medical tests. We’re here for you.