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Help! I’ve Got a Bunny Boiler

Dear Chump Lady,

My D-day was two years ago. OW, aka the Yoga Whore, is a woman who had met Porky Pig on a beach vacation when they were 14 years old. She hadn’t seen him or been in contact with him in 46 years but, when her second marriage failed, she looked him up on LinkedIn and contacted him. That, of course, was a megadose of centrality-kibbles for the Pig. Two months after they re-connected, she posted on Instagram that they were moving in together. (At the time, she lived in a different state.) Twu luv moves fast!

I did not do the pick-me dance in any way, shape, or form. My daughter was 14 at the time. I was determined that what she would learn through all of the turmoil was that women do not need a man to be happy, and that when “bad” things happen in life, you hold your head up and soldier on. In Michelle Obama’s words, “When they go low, we go high.” My divorce was final this year.

Here’s my confusion:

Despite my complete disconnect from the Pig, (the only contact we have is via email and concerns our daughter or items from the separation agreement), the Yoga Whore, who moved here to be with the Pig (although they’re not married because cohabitation was negotiated into her divorce) continues to stalk my daughter and me.

She shows up at various events that my daughter volunteers at, or at the coffeehouse my daughter likes. She constantly drives through our neighborhood. She has snuck into my garage and let the air out of the tires on my car and vandalized my home. (I cannot prove to the police that she did this, but I know it was her…). She waits on the walking trails that adjoin my house and follows me when I walk the dog. She doesn’t try to stop me or talk to me, she just walks behind me.

Yesterday, I had a team tennis match. She showed up during the match and stood just behind the fence of the court I was playing on so I could see her. She just stood there and stared. I ignored her, didn’t even mention it to my doubles partner until after the match was over.

WTF is her problem?

I have never met her, spoken to her, or had any form of communication with her. I have never tried to “fight” her for the Pig. I have not made any trouble for her (while my friends know who and what she is, I haven’t posted her on cheater sites or contacted her employer — a Yoga studio that bills itself as a safe haven for all).

We talk about “bunny boilers” here, and I get that kind of crazy when the cheater has decided to dump a psycho OW and go back to the wife (eff Hollywood). But in this case, the Yoga Whore “won”! Do these women boil bunnies even if they have gotten no blowback from the chump? Is that the track she’s on? Should I be worried?

I hope you can shed some light on this for me. I will close with a quote from her “professional” bio:

(New Age yoga blather)*


Mehny Rivers to Cross

PS: I’m attaching a screen grab of her bio so you can see that this is real. BTW, while she claims in her bio to play tennis, she doesn’t. I can only suspect she included that for my benefit… what a freak show. God, I wish the UBT could translate her bio……it’s just too classic.

Editors note: What appears — If smugness could hold the Lotus pose.

  • Removed tagline for anonymity but yoga blather is pretty ubiquitous.


Dear Mehny Rivers to Cross,

Wow. She’s certainly managed to get inside your head. Which isn’t surprising given she’s trying to menace you. Yikes! Yes, I would be worried. She sounds completely deranged.

But then again I think the cheese slipped off the cracker with your ex too. He falls in love on LinkedIn? And moves her in after two months? (Between what? Improving articles on updating resumés?)

She doesn’t sound stable. I’ll take a stab (probably bad verb choice) at untangling her scary little skein in a moment, let’s begin with the practical stalker advice — take it seriously.

Build a document trail. Presumably you reported the vandalism to the cops. You can also tell them who you suspect did it. If they don’t believe you? Okay. You’re still building a document trail. (And why wouldn’t they believe you? So many crimes are committed on people who know the perpetrator.)

Get one of those Nest-type security systems. (No affiliate link, I’m just linking to show what I’m talking about.) Put cameras on your doors. Which really, as a woman living alone you all should be doing anyway. (No, I don’t like the world we live in either. And it’s not fair. But that’s my advice.)

Have your lawyer send her a cease and desist letter, as the first step in formal harassment charges. Talk to your lawyer about the stalking laws in your state. When you send her the letter, cc the local police and cc her place of employment.

I had to do this with the OW in my chump story. (Well, the long-term OW among OW.) My situation was cyber harassment. Emails. Spam. Signing me up on dating sites and political campaigns (of the other party). Filling in all sorts of personal details (to fuck with my head that she knew them) and insults (because pick me dance…)

And it’s the gift that keeps giving. I did an identity theft check on myself last week (got an alert) and found her ADDRESS on one of my credit profiles. So… yeah, good times.

Anyway, my point is — normal people don’t makes these kinds of transgressions. Disordered people do, so don’t brush it off.

Also don’t confront it on your own. As tempting as it would be to walk across that tennis court, stand to your full height, and tell the bitch to fuck off — she wants engagement. She desperately wants triangulation kibbles. She feeds on this energy. You completely did the right thing to ignore her. You choked off kibble supply. Keep at it.

Of course she should be confronted and told to fuck off — but by third-party professionals — the legal system and law enforcement.

Now, to the skein.

WTF is her problem?

She’s an OW. Which means she thrills to the pick me dance, and you’re a wallflower at the Batshit Cotillion. You won’t dance.

How’s she going to maintain her superiority if you won’t dance? Surely, you want to compete for LinkedIn Love! How dare you move on with your life? She’ll just insert herself everywhere you are and REMIND you that she’s the WINNER of the shit pile you divorced without a backwards glance.

How can she do this?

Because you loom very large in HER head. While you might not be pick-me dancing, she sure is. That man of hers has obligations. He has put other Gods before her — a daughter and an ex-wife. It doesn’t matter how negligent he is, or minimal a presence in your daughter’s life, or yours — you exist. And if you’re batshit, that’s enough.

Cheaters also love to keep everyone off balance. More kibbles. So, if you unnerve her, that’s probably a win for him.

And he may have other hypotenuses (cheaters often do), and she may assume it’s you. (As you are the last known hypotenuse and she’s Very Special so it can’t be anyone else…)

The best thing you can do is extract yourself from this toxic geometry problem.

Call a lawyer. Buy a security camera. Please be safe.

P.S. I suggest the current carry her to the nearest psych ward.


This one ran previously. I hope Mehny and her daughter are safe and weigh in.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at [email protected]. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • Definitely put in those security cameras. I’d bet she’s lurking around more than you realize. I’m wondering if she’s going into your house while you are out. In regard to reasons, I suspect FW is using you as an excuse for not giving her what she wants. As in, “I would marry you, Schmoopie, but alas, it would hurt my ex-wife’s feelings, and I cannot do that! She still waits for me, and I must give her time to adjust to her sad, single existence… blah blah…”

    • Oh, I just saw that this one ran previously. Yes, I hope they are safe now. I’m a big fan of security cameras. Anyone in this situation should definitely get some. They are relatively cheap, and they can save your life.

      • Get a few of the lipstick size pepper spray dispensers they sell for self defense. Keep them handy for quick use. Literally in your pocket, in the car door, hidden near the front door, with your tennis gear, etc. If they assault or threaten you, whip it out and spray them without warning. Immediately, leave and report the incident. Consult your state’s laws about legal use of pepper spray.

    • Good point, Carol. Porky Pig is using Mehny to keep Bunny Boiler at arm’s length.

  • I wouldn’t use an Amazon product – but SimpliSafe or something like it where YOU can control the access may be better for those reading. I do hope Mehny and her daughter took steps then and are safe now.

  • Yeah reading this it’s downright sinister. It’s just not in the realms of normal. I love how mighty you have been through it all and continuing not to engage with her is an A+ move. I would be getting the security cameras fo’ sho’ and trying to add to the pile of evidence to build a case of attention that’s gone beyond safe. Might also be someone who eventually gets bored of it (if you are lucky). I wonder why the Porky Pig kibble dispenser has already run dry? Seems like that is going well for them.

  • Blink has worked wonderfully for us, we have several positioned around our house.

    One night it caught a teenager crouching in our bushes by the side of the house. We were out of state. My H saw it on his camera and we notified our neighbor.

    Turns out it was a teen who was with another one and they were doing that bang on doors thing then running. In his case, the home owner got in his truck and was chasing them down. He hid behind our side bushes. My put the video on the NH watch page. She didn’t put his name on there, or which house it was, but his parents identified him.

    I bet it was tense in that household. Kids do stupid and dangerous things, but this woman is no kid.

    • Yes, I used Blink for an unoccupied house while I managed an estate, very effective. Side note, if you use the mini, the videos are cloud only, accessible for only 59 days, and must be downloaded one at a time, and only with a phone app. So if you need the clips, stay on top of the downloads.

  • I wonder if OW do this sort of thing BECAUSE the Betrayed Spouse is being dignified, showing self-respect and making a decent life for themselves and and children the have? Because the LBS is not doing so much as a “pick-me-shuffle”, never mind a dance?
    This might make the FW start to respect the LBS at least a bit, and see them as being of higher value, especially if the OW/OM, who is a bit of a head-case in reality, and doesn’t have much dignity nor self-respect, because the haven’t got much integrity and have a weak, immature character. So the bunny-boiler wants to drive the LBS mad so the can make them look like head-cases! “Look! Told you she’s a psycho! No wonder he prefers MEEEE!” It’s a sign things aren’t rosy in the cheats’ garden anyway, but so long as the LBS is fine, and the kids are OK, who cares! They’ve made their beds- pun intended!
    Do do as CL advises though and keep records, inform the police and get a camera alarm system in the house as a nutter-deterrent!
    P.S. I haven’t a clue who FW’s with now, as the first Schmoopie is “out” according to him, and he’s gone very quiet since I got the Gardai involved. I hope I’m not going to have to deal with this sort of rubbish though, because the sorts of birds he’d be able to pull would be DOG-ROUGH, so I’m not ruling nutters/headcases out!

  • I can’t add anything to that perfect advice, but I will speculate that since Bunny Boiler knows Porky Pig is inclined to cheat, she wants to make sure it’s not with his ex. It speaks to how insecure she is in a relationship with him. She feels powerless to do anything about Piggy, so she contents herself with intimidating Mehny instead of dumping the FW, because she is both crazy and stupid.
    Mehny’s existence also bothers her because unlike Mehny, Bunny Boiler has no real identity of her own. She is basically just a life support system for sick obsession.

  • i use a simplisafe security system with cameras. you install it yourself and can take it with you if you move. the monthly fee is very reasonable.

    when you are in public, take a photo with your phone so you can document her stalking. no need to engage, just snap a photo. keep a journal of her stalking as Chump Lady says. the cease and desist letter is a good start and will formalize all of this so there is a paper trail.

    i will never understand people like her and you and your daughter need to be careful

  • MRtC,

    I suspect that, for the OW, it’s not enough for her to “win” your Ex-FW; she needs you to know that you’ve lost him because she’s taken him from you. She is one of those disordered people who wants centrality in your life …… you win by not giving it to her.

    And absolutely take all of the personal security precautions that CL recommends; stay safe.


  • And enlist allies! Do you have a “Team MRTC”? If you do not, then create one. Then let them (surreptitiously) join you on walks, sport events, and have them do the smart phone picture taking. (Have them lag behind and begin their walk after the BB has joined yours. Get different people to show up at different times. Have them show up earlier (or later) at the sport event, and not sit near you.)

    I know this is actually an earlier post. But having your very own Team when dealing with stalkers is a godsend. Also some of them can do a pretty good job of being a detective/investigator when dealing with a FW and their cheating-around-town antics. Lots cheaper too. (I knew some who would accept a NY cheesecake as compensation.) (OK, it was a really large cheesecake. With sweetened sour cream topping.) (Really, really Large.)

      • My parents had a bakery. My mom worked behind the counter. My dad did the breads, the cakes, the sweet rolls. Only the highest quality ingredients. No shortcuts. No cheaper-increase-the-profit-margin replacements. Best bakery ever. (Back of the Yards, in the Polish South Side of Chicago.)

        And BTW, the cheesecake would be made in a large (18″ X 26″) sheet pan. So it was large cheesecake. Really, really large.

        • Little Wing, I feel like being on a team like that would be gratifying in and of itself… but the cheesecake definitely tips the scales 😁

          • Ah, a mighty woman of courage and wisdom.

            And in honor of Stacy, I will make one with the base made out of Lubkuchen crumbs instead of Graham cracker crumbs.

  • This stalker is scary and unpredictable: I worry for your physical safety and your daughter’s. In addition to what ChumpLady said, I would buy a gun and get trained on proper firearm use. You have a child to protect and this woman may be dangerous to your daughter. You said she keeps showing up at the coffee shop your daughter likes: she is also stalking your minor child. Please include that prominantly in your documentation, because the police should take that seriously.

    P.S. Stop trying to figure her out. My fear is that you will think you have her figured out and let down your guard when that is unwarranted. She is a rabid dog: don’t think you understand her and don’t ever turn your back on her.

  • My ex-turd’s Schmoopie also seems to have a fixation with me. I have seen her parked outside my home a few times (up the street trying to not be seen). I also haven’t engaged. I did call the police & report. She gave them a bs excuse & they did warn her not to be around there again or they would charge her. Schmoopie also posts & continues to post things (4 years later!) that seem to be subtle attempts to provoke me (yes, I do keep an occasional eye on it to gauge for any threats or liability). Schmoopie could post them full-on boinking up on a chandelier & I couldn’t care less (thank you, Father/Mother Time!). A couple weeks after D-day, I sent ex-turd a warning (just to him, not her) that if his Schmoopie continued to send me harassing messages (“I won the sparkly turd stay away from him” type of messages) that I was going to get the law involved. The messages stopped, but then I got a lot of spam…. 🤨 I do have cameras & still to this day observe my surroundings when I step outside of my house. Schmoopie is majorly competitive & because of that, I think she is capable of anything if the ex-turd provoked her enough to bring out the green-eyed monster. My kids have told their dad to keep Schmoopie under control (and he likes to impression manage so he would not like it if Schmoopie went too far to shine a negative spotlight on him)….but then if he started cheating on her…. she might go looking for someone to blame. Be safe & don’t “normalize” stalky or abusive behaviour! especially by OW/OM because we didn’t invite them into OUR lives so they are in fact, intruders & strangers to us. Protect, protect, protect.

    • Do your kids have to engage with Schmoopie at all? That must be horrible when “stepmom” is a nut.

  • Wow, this is very similar to my story. Piggy moved on to OW in less than four weeks from D Day for being exposed for years of sexual transgressions (with men and woman). Now OW feels it necessary to be in contact with me and my children because she is worried about Piggy and needs to make sure that I in particular don’t “shame” him and add to his downfall. Crazy.

  • I like the suggestion of setting up cameras. That would give you evidence of her entering your home if it ever happens. Also, I would keep in mind that FW might be egging her on. You don’t know what he tells her about you. He could be saying that you want him back, etc. (I know–gross.) This OW definitely has something in her head that is not reality as you know it. Be careful. Document everything. Get a lawyer involved. She is stalking you.

  • It kills me when I hear people say “I know that X, the person with an obvious motive did this, but I don’t want to report them because I can’t prove it.” You don’t have to prove it! Report it so there is a record that you did, and if you’re lucky the police or other authorities will also investigate it. They’ll appreciate that you already have a good idea of who did it and why – it saves them a lot of time and effort.

  • Read Gavin de Becker’s book “the Gift of Fear”. It has good tips to help your daughter stay safe too.

    • Yes, “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin de Becker is one of my favorite books. He knows a lot.

  • ´Cheaters also love to keep everyone off balance. More kibbles.´
    I wish I had known this. FW kept coming over, to talk, help out, listen to my despair- wearing W ring – until every paper was signed.
    It was so confusing.
    Also, I was hacked too and now I’m nervous about putting info online to do a credit check!

  • “… they’re not married because cohabitation was negotiated into her divorce …”

    Er? That sounds like total b.s.

    • Yeah, I wondered about that too, that doesn’t sound right. I’ve never heard that written into a divorce. Maybe Porky has refused to marry her and maybe he kind of wants to go back to Mehny after living with Ilsa, She Wolf of the SS. Maybe he’s had enough too. That’s why I wonder if Mehny should just write a letter to Yoga Bear and ask her why she’s doing this and cc: Porky – maybe communication would help expose Porky and end this baloney. To me, it seems like she’s really worried about losing him.

    • It could be that her spousal support ends if she cohabitates with anyone, that is a common clause.

    • Yoga whores ex H traded some intellectual property for her right to cohabitate and still collect alimony. He jokingly told me, upon learning my FWs salary, that he was the one paying my alimony.

      My lawyer loved that she negotiated this into her divorce settlement because it proved “intent.”

  • As usual, CL’s advice is spot on. But I have to comment on the amazing restraint that Mehny had shown in this situation. It takes a LOT to not respond at all to that level of fuckery. The absolute audacity of the OW to be stalking her, especially given the fact that she left immediately and never danced or fought back. Mehny basically said “here, you can have him” and the OW still is harassing HER? I’d like to think that I could be as strong willed as Mehny, but I don’t think so. The OW in my case was long distance, and the only contact I ever had with her was when she texted me once (2 texts but 3 minutes apart, and just the one time). I didn’t respond, and not responding is something I do over and over. Her texts were nearly a year ago, but I have frequently wanted to tell her off in the meantime. I don’t, and then I congratulate myself on practicing “if it feels good, don’t do it”. But Mehny has self restraint at a whole different level.

  • I don’t know why OW create a world inside their head where they become you/replace you, but many do. Maybe when they decide to have an affair with a married man, they want to figure out why he married you? Maybe they think they can be “Just Like Her, Only Better”. They may consider “taking” your husband means they get to “take” your education, work history, relationship with your children like a shoplifter steals a product from a store, without paying the price it takes to have those things. Maybe she is pissed because you didn’t “fight” for him, and suspects she now owns damaged goods? (She does and He does, too!)

    She may have “Linked-Up” with him, but she will never be you. He may use you as leverage whenever she does something “less-than” the way you did things. He may have cheater’s remorse because he traded down. Who knows? The important thing to remember is her problem is hers, and your ex’s problems are his.

    Take the advice about increasing your security, gather evidence if you can, and consider making a video of yourself which gives a brief history of the events and your suspicions. Make sure you leave it with someone close to you to give to the police if something happens to you. You may not be able to take legal action with your gut instinct, but it gives the police a lead. People who lead their lives on the edge of crazy are more likely to cross over the line, IMHO. I don’t want to sound paranoid, and I may have watched too many true crime shows or episodes of Law & Order, but it seems like violence is seldom random, and often is perpetrated on people by someone they know.

    Hopefully time has passed and she has lost interest, or maybe cheater moved on to the next OW and she will get a new target. It takes a lot of time and resources to be so obsessed. OW sounds like an annoying insect buzzing around you at a patio party. I hope you find the right repellent to get her to stop buzzing you, and to be on her ever -unhappy way.

    • Well…..if you’re a competitive person….I’m not competitive at all so it’s hard for me to understand but….if you ARE a competitive person, the idea of winning the “prize” may be more important than the actual affair or “love” or “sex”….it’s the winning. So may these bunny boiler OWs may just feel like they haven’t “won” or they’re not sure they “won” because it doesn’t feel like “winning”. If you have to steal a married man instead of finding your own single guy, that kind of puts you at a disadvantage because you went AFTER damaged goods and that’s what you “won”. If he cheated with you….he’ll cheat on you, and they always know that. Its in the small print.

    • “I don’t know why OW create a world inside their head where they become you/replace you, but many do. Maybe when they decide to have an affair with a married man, they want to figure out why he married you? Maybe they think they can be “Just Like Her, Only Better”. They may consider “taking” your husband means they get to “take” your education, work history, relationship with your children like a shoplifter steals a product from a store, without paying the price it takes to have those things.”

      This is how I feel about OW. She just … moved into my life. Did all the things I did, with the same people, at the same places. Even our little cute habits, like kissing at stoplights, she copied with him. She probably thought all those things were unique to her, but they weren’t. It was like a rerun of our relationship. She even started dressing like me! and dying/cutting her hair like mine. She was unrecognizable as the person I’d been introduced to (my coworker, yay). More than one person remarked on it. It was like she had no life of her own (though she’d been married and had two kids and whatnot). She stayed in my house (once I left), used my things, slept in my bed, etc. It was so weird. I was really angry, basically because of what you said in your last sentence above – she didn’t WORK for any of that. When I started dating FW, he was a 29 year old waiter who was still in college (B.A. degree). We spent years with basically nothing, having to scrimp and save to make ends meet. I helped FW, whose dream was to be a famous film writer/director, make his first two movies, which involved HUGE sacrifices of money and time, and a hell of a lot of work on my part. And this bitch just waltzes into that life that I created for a man that now has a good job, a house, two cars, a kid, money in the bank, two award winning movies on Amazon Prime, etc. Would she have wanted the broke guy with big dreams? Probably not. I took a gamble on him. She didn’t have to. She used to go to film festivals and conventions with him and stand next to him like SHE had something to do with his projects, when she met him long AFTER they were finished. (It still kind of bugs me, even now, years after they have broken up and FW is dead.) Though he was never good with money and was very broke after I left and stopped managing everything for him. OW gave him tens of thousands of dollars, which she will never see again. She seems to have reverted back to the person she was when I first met her.

      After she dumped FW, she contacted me several times, once to “apologize” and another time to offer to help me in my divorce case by being a witness (!) because FW had abused her too and apparently she had “evidence”. I ignored her (though I forwarded both emails to my attorney). When FW went missing, I unfortunately had to contact her to get his landlord’s phone #. After the cops found FW’s body, I did let her know, because I’d told her I would. She seemed to take this as an opening, and continued to call/text/email me like she wanted to be friends, acting like we were somehow comrades due to our shared experiences. She also contacted FW’s sister (whom she’d never met, and who FW was not in contact with though I was) and tried to be friends with her too. We both cut her off, and I told her before I did so exactly what I thought of her, and told her she was not welcome at the funeral. To this day I found it weird. Like she desperately needed to be relevant? And since FW could no longer pursue her (he was trying – HARD) she latched on to me and my sister in law for that? Who knows what goes through these women’s minds. On the one occasion I crossed paths with her (she was coming to get some things out of the rental) she was nasty to me, and then proceeded to tell her ex landlord that I was stealing her belongings (I only took marital property, all of which I had documentation for). Thankfully that went nowhere. She also posted on her social media something about her “arch nemesis” having taken her kitchen things and craft supplies, and I’m SURE she meant me. Though I never took her crappy things. I found it funny that I was someone’s arch nemesis. Haha. I haven’t ever contacted her to deny that because I don’t care and she doesn’t deserve me paying any heed to her lies.

      • UX World isn’t here at the moment and I think you need this. To the tune of Yesterday…

        Cluster B
        So much trouble from one sordid freak
        Why’d she Single-Whi-ite-Female me?
        Oh I just can’t
        Grasp Cluster B

        Why did she resort
        To scraps
        And mimicry?
        If I ate sardines
        She’d grow gills
        Oh Cluster B-ee-ee-ee

        Cluster B
        Get this copycat away from me
        Let her burn another effigy
        I don’t relate
        To Cluster B

  • OW wanted a fight for Piggy, and Mehny basically shrugged and let her have him. Haha. I love this. By not engaging in the pick-me-dance, she signaled that he’s no prize. Well played!

    By the way, I think we can all agree that is not the behavior of a happy woman (or a woman with a full set of marbles). Anyway, so much for twu luv. Clearly there’s trouble in paradise.

    • On my D-Day, thePig looked at me and said, “Is this all there is?” “I want to have fun.”

      Yes, Pig. This is all there is. A stable home life, two healthy smart kids. Work. Education. Retirement.

      What more do you want?

      Oh. An AP who can suck golf balls through a garden hose.* Lol. Have at it.

      (Referencing brilliant schmoopie videos that used to be online.)

  • Oh, my goodness, I was so surprised when a friend of mine, GBOK, from the F*#k Thread in the old forums texted me that this letter was being rerun! What memories it brings back!

    First, my daughter and I are doing well! My primary concern during my divorce was to try and do everything possible to safeguard her future. I’m happy to share that she graduated from high school with multiple academic awards and is a rising junior at a top notch college where she earned a merit-based scholarship. Porky Pig still bullies her (e.g. threatening to stop paying tuition if she doesn’t do what he wants her to do). He also constantly threatens to stop paying for her therapy. Trust me, I will bankrupt myself to ensure that my daughter continues in therapy as long as she needs/wants it – Porky Pig did a lot of emotional damage and I want to do everything possible to help DD heal.

    With regard to Porky Pig, he’s actually kind of a sad-sack that I mostly feel sorry for in between wondering what I ever saw in him, if I ever think about him at all. He’s trapped himself in a suffocating marriage to Yoga Whore and he will never leave it because that would be admitting he was “wrong” for thinking she was the true, albeit LinkedIn, love of his life. Yes, he is exactly that stubborn.

    Yoga Whore. Yup, she’s batshit crazy.

    She did eventually marry Porky Pig. In fact, she chose my daughter’s birthday as their wedding date. I’m not sure you can get much pettier…

    Here’s what Porky Pig’s marriage looks like (I know these things not because I ask, but because DD tells me and I don’t want her to feel like she can’t talk to me about things – I respond with “Cool. Bummer. Wow.”

    • Porky Pig is only allowed to talk on the phone in speakerphone mode. She monitors all his phone calls regardless of whether they’re work related, or family members. She also joins every conversation whether she has any relevant things to say or not.

    • Porky Pig teaches a night class at local university. She attends every one of his classes and sits in the back row keeping a close eye on his interactions with any and all nubile 20-year-old females. I’m fairly certain that she’d go to work with him too, if she had a security clearance and could get in.

    • She continually harps on Porky to “sit/stand up straight.” Porky has a congenital spine defect and cannot. But she thinks, through her force of will, that she can and will correct it.

    • She continues to stalk my daughter on social media, even though my daughter has her blocked. We’re not sure exactly how she does it, maybe a fake account?

    Here’s the most recent story about her that happened a month ago.

    I saw a job listing that looked interesting, but the post said to go to LinkedIn for a full description. I clicked the link, but then got a message that I had to be a member of LinkedIn in order to view it. Sigh. Okay, I set up a LinkedIn account.

    However, in the process of setting up the account, I hit some kind of button that immediately began to send out invitations to apparently every single person I’ve ever known in my life. I watched in horror as the messages “Invitation Sent, Invitation Sent, Invitation Sent” flashed across the screen for the next several minutes.

    About a week later, I was at a tennis match and saw the Yoga Whore there, standing against the fence staring. Huh? Again? Really? It’s been four years.

    It took me a minute to realize that LinkedIn had probably sent an invitation to Porky Pig. He probably mentioned it to Yoga Whore and that is what triggered her spy/intimidation mission to the tennis courts.

    Is it wrong that I think this is hilarious? That the very website that connected her with Porky Pig was the instrument that apparently reignited her insecurity over me. I mean, she knows what happens when the Pig gets messages on Linkedin, right? Lol.

    Wow, being the “marriage police” must be exhausting.

    Anyway, practicing the philosophy of Chump Lady got me through my divorce. I still call on those techniques today when I need them. But, one heals over time. And…

    MehnyRivers is doing just fine!

    Here’s wishing all the other chumps out there are too!!!

    • I am glad to hear you and your daughter are doing well and are safe! As someone who is dealing with a bunny boiler herself, I am frustrated for you that Yoga Whore is still going at it four years later.

    • Mehny, so great to hear that you and your daughter are doing wonderfully!

      About feeling sorry for PorkyPig, though…. this man browbeats tries to financially abuse your daughter. He exposes her to a mentally unhinged stalker. Not because YogaWhore is holding a literal gun to his head, but because he chooses stubbornness and pride over, uh, not abusing your daughter.

      Eff him and his sad sack situation.

    • I neglected to mention that after ignoring Yoga Whore’s actions for a while, she eventually stopped stalking. She’d been dormant for about 4 years before I inadvertently sent the Pig the message via LinkedIn. But, there are definitely OW out there who are a lot more dangerous than she is. And, all the security measures listed here are absolutely valuable and should be followed if you feel threatened. It’s sometimes hard to wrap one’s head around the fact that there are crazy people out there who really will do you harm. I know that during the negotiation part of my divorce I believed the Pig would be a stand up guy and do the right thing. He didn’t, he fought me tooth and nail, and I was surprised. It’s because Chumps tend to assume that other people have moral compasses and are compassionate, etc. That’s how we get chumped. And that’s also how we can get harmed. So, pay attention to OW’s actions and heed Chump Nation’s advice.

      • Heads up, there are a lot of privacy controls in LinkedIn BUT you have to double check your settings otherwise the platform will make a lot of decisions for you. For example, I made my contact information private and turned off strangers’ ability to message me. I also turned off LinkedIn’s ability to harvest my data for advertisers.

        To check yours, click on the arrow next to your profile headshot at the top of the screen and click on “Settings & Privacy.”

        • Hi Cam! I remember you from the original posting of this letter! As I recall you were WTFing all over the place, lol. I deleted my LinkedIn account as soon as I got the job info I wanted, but not before I noticed Yoga Whore had been viewing my profile (massive eyeroll)! But yes, I try and minimize my online presence as much as possible!!!!

          • I remember your original letter and am pretty sure I was WTFing all over the place too. I’m glad to hear you and your daughter are out of the frying pan and doing well (besides the idiot stalker).

          • Also, to protect your privacy, check out a service like Delete Me. They remove stuff you don’t want on the internet like data brokers listing your home address. Best of all, they keep monitoring your digital footprint so you don’t have to. I’ve found them invaluable.

      • And yet…..look at what a jewel Porky rooted out for himself… happy he must be every night when he goes to his jail cell.

    • Thank you so much for checking in. I was worried for DD’s and your safety. The part about the invitation going out is hilarious to me because I once did something similar, and the invitations went out to each person by the name in my contacts. I won’t repeat the vulgar name I assigned to FW’s miserable sister, but her invitation from me was not addressed nicely 🤣

      • Porky Pig used to get emails from me addressed to Porky Pig, lol. That’s how he was listed in my contacts. Took him months to eventually notice. ROFLMAO

    • “She attends every one of his classes and sits in the back row keeping a close eye on his interactions … ”

      My god.

      Well, he got exactly what he signed up for. Your post is filled with mightiness! ✊

    • Mehny — so glad you gave us this update! We all hope and pray to hear from past Chumps. it does everyone a world of good to see other chumps make it out on the other side, gain a life, and be mighty for their kids!! It’s also icing on the cake to hear that FWs and APs continue to live in crazy. Side note… please never feel the least bit sorry for FW ever — remember he CHOSE it.

    • So…..Karma IS real!!!! What a delightful marriage Porky has worked out for himself! Life sentence! Does your daughter have to deal with this woman in person? If she does, does she feel safe?

      • Mehitable, I love all your comments. Of course Dd has to deal with Yoga Whore in person; YW doesn’t stand for PP having any time alone. I feel bad for my daughter. She recognizes what a dick her father is, yet still loves him on some level because he’s her father. She constantly strives for his approval or at least a kind word (ergo therapy). Yoga Whore is perhaps the biggest misogynist I’ve ever encountered. She constantly tells DD that she’d be prettier if she lost weight. She constantly comments on DD’s breast size. She constantly flirts with young guys then tries to educate DD on how to do same. DD is not concerned being around the Yoga Whore, but it terrifies me cuz, um, yeah, I watch Dateline. Porky took her on a hiking trip with YW and I bit my nails til they were bloody until she was safe at home. There is no doubt in my mind that the Yoga Whore would try to get rid of any female threat to her “prize”. Sadly, I feel powerless to block their contact. Dd is 20, a legal adult, and then there’s PARENTAL INTERFERENCE. don’t get me started on this. I may have to go to law school and become a politician (lawmaker).

      • And, btw, Karma is real and I’m not sure I like the schadenfreude (sp?). The fact that Yoga Whore chose my daughters birthday to be her wedding day to the Pig… on that same day, after the wedding, she got into a screaming match with her oldest son from her first marriage. And, he committed suicide. How is her wedding day to the Pig ever going to be happy? This story gives me chills and confirms my belief that a dark cloud hovers over Porky Pig and his AP.

    • “Is it wrong that I think this is hilarious?” No. I think finding the humor in it is the best indicator that you have healed. I look back on the whole debacle with FW and OW and have to laugh at how ridiculous it all was.

      So glad to hear you’re doing well. Soon your daughter will be done with school, and then hopefully she won’t feel so at the mercy of her dad.

      Sounds like your FW and his OW are very…happy. LOL!

      (On a side note, it is interesting that you say your FW is staying with Yoga whore out of stubbornness. I think the statistics that say marriages that started as affairs have an 85% failure rate aren’t taking into account that a huge portion of the remaining 15% are doing exactly that – staying because they can’t admit they made a grave error in marrying their affair partners.)

  • Here is what I think:

    Bunny Boiler (BB) uprooted her life for Porky Pig (PP). PP is now probably cheating on her and using Mehny as an excuse for when he needs his time unaccounted for. “Oh, BB, I won’t be home tomorrow night because I have to help Mehny clean the lint out of her dryer screen. She’s just so helpless since I left and after all, she is the mother of my child….”

    BB has a lot to lose here, and most likely everyone she knows things the whole escapade is crazy so she needs to save face. Just because she is unstable, doesn’t mean she’s always wrong. She likely smells an interloper here, and mistakenly assumes it is Mehny.

    Also, please consider PP pay be deliberately directing BB’s crazy towards Mehny to retaliate against her for not fighting for him. From his perspective, the point of all this was for two women to fight for him, and that hasn’t worked….yet. He may think an escalation will provoke the girl fight his ego needs.

    This could easily become dangerous, as so many have noted.

  • I agree cameras are necessary. Front and backyard. Motion sensor lights. Also a camera in garage is a good idea. I have one there. How did she get into garage? Is it secure?
    Take pictures and video of her following you. Get an order of restraint. But you need proof. IDK the mindset of someone like that, especially if you bowed out and NC. Doesnt make sense.

  • linked-in love. reminds me of that song ‘tainted love’:

    Once I ran to you (I ran)
    Now I run from you
    This linked-in love you’ve given
    I gave you all a boy could give you
    Take my tears and that’s not nearly all
    linked-in love
    linked-in love

    PS i’m no uxworld

  • So glad you are doing well, Mehny Rivers! And really glad you can laugh at her latest stalker move. You are Mighty Mehny Rivers!

    The video camera advice is excellent for all chumps who are separated or separating. Cameras on the doors, cameras with motion lights to ensure an intruder will light up the whole yard at night. Make sure they are in fact hooked up to a monitoring source that will call the police at any sign of an intruder.

    The fact that the OW got into Mehny Rivers’s garage reminds us to 1) make sure all doors have secure locks; 2) in the case of the garage, install an automatic opener if there isn’t one or get someone to install a system that requires an opener or a code. If an ex knows how to get in the house, change everything. Put a camera in the garage if it’s attached to the house, in case someone a in through a window. My own Ring system tells intruders they are on camera as they approach the house. You can also install a driveway alarm that can be mounted on a tree or the mailbox post so that when a car turns into the driveway, you get a chime inside the house.

    Some of this is common sense. And CL’s advice to contact a lawyer about a cease-and-desist letter is great. But I would take it four steps further. In a case like this, I would hire a private investigator to follow her and take video and still photos of her showing up at events, stalking you on the tennis court, and following you as you walk your dog. You want evidence and someone who can testify in court. Take a friend to a venue where she is likely to show up to take photos. She can’t notice who all might be taking photos or recording her. Second, I would do a Mosaic Threat Assessment to see where your case falls on a model developed by experts in domestic violence protection. And third, in addition to sending a CC of the letter to local law enforcement and her employer, send one to the F*ckwit XH’s lawyer, with a short letter reminding him that his Schmoops is stalking his daughter as well as her mother. Finally, change your routines. Take different routes to familiar places like work. Leave at different times. Keep social media posting to a minimum and never post anything that reveals where you are and what you are doing.

    But Mehny Rivers’s update shows us also the power of just ignoring a whack job like this one.

  • Mehny – – thank you so much for the update!

    I love updates. We ALL LOVE updates.

    Honestly, I’d love to have a Friday entry to be all about updates. Maybe even make it a last-Friday-of-every-quarter to be dedicated to Updates.

  • It’s another reason to have a DNE (Do Not Engage) policy with a cheating accomplice, and use lawyers and law enforcement to set any boundaries and run interference for you.

    There is no shortage of murder cases related to infidelity, and I don’t assume it couldn’t happen to me.

  • Mehny – thank you for the update and thank you all for your wisdom you. You are mighty and I’m getting there.

    This was a good followup to yesterday’s post. After reading the comments, I went down a bit of a rabbit hole(speaking of bunnies) related to the Chris Watts murders including the Netflix doc about it.
    His demeanor and ability to pull off the lie is chilling.
    It brought me to re-taking the Mosaic test. If you don’t know about this, it’s an eye opener and can help assess the threat of escalation to violence.

  • Run don’t walk away from that mess and take every security precaution. One of the reasons I was so terrified of the AP in my married-to-a-FW saga was because of a situation that happened when I was a teen starting college that left me scarred for life. As the story goes, I dated an older guy right out of high school. My parents were never impressed by him. My dad felt he had no substance and said, “I could put my hand right through the guy.” I didn’t know it at the time but the first bf was probably a vulnerable narcissist, mostly a cerebral one because, as he’d casually let it slip, he had a “massive IQ.” Being 18, I was head over heels for about six months but my attention was soon absorbed by school and, when I had a chance to transfer to a college in NYC, I jumped at it.

    Looking back, I can see that maybe I wasn’t as “flighty” and “immature” about drifting away from a relationship as everyone said but was just reacting to the fact that there was no “there” there with this guy. For instance, he had the classic Cluster B “rapprochement” reaction to my leaving town. We seemed to have a nice time dating but when I left for school, he went cold and sour and pretended he couldn’t care less. I was mildly hurt but so distracted that it didn’t darken my excitement that much. Once I was in NY, he never wrote, never called and would sound monosyllabic if I called him so I stopped calling. If he was punishing me with the infamous narcy “silent treatment,” it was going right over my head. I wasn’t a great coMmUniCaTor then, didn’t ask what was up and simply assumed it was fine to date other people– yay. Things in general were going really well– school, work, social life, dating– and it was a painless transition. But, on catching wind of some of my new adventures, suddenly this guy started calling me– drunk– to propose. He was a math nerd and, even if he cultivated a sort of alt-cool pose, I’d never seen him have more than a beer now and then. I was shocked and squeamish about seeing his “drunk” side. I took nothing he said seriously and just got off the calls as quickly as possible and forgot about it. He drove to NYC once and then expressed sadz that treated him like nothing more than a “buddy.” It left me feeling guilty but I found him repellent.

    A short time later, he apparently hooked up with the daughter of a step-relative of my mother’s distant cousin (not a blood relative in other words) whom I’d sort of grown up with. But she’d always been weird and a little hostile towards me which made me feel vaguely guilty, as if I’d done something bad to her but didn’t know what. She’d met my former bf through me and the vague hostility had increased, like I’d somehow “taken” something from her. Long story short, the two of them called me drunk and giggling at 4am to invite me to their wedding. I went and they looked miserable through the whole civil ceremony and then called me aside afterwards to say really bizarre, insulting things to my face as if it was the planned “sacrificial scapegoat burning” part of the wedding. I’d actually been relieved the two of them were getting married as if this would tie together two vaguely guilt-inducing loose ends and they’d finally get off my back. But that didn’t seem to be the case and, because this woman was somewhat tied to my family, I started avoiding a few family events over the next year just to steer clear of a drama I didn’t understand. I don’t know why I didn’t just tell my parents these people made my skin crawl. 18, busy and not a great CoMmUnIcAtoR?

    There was one family event that I couldn’t avoid and, while I was visiting my parents, I got lured to the former bf’s house on some pretext and errand. I walked into a scene of total horror. His wife had literally just been carted away to the booby hatch after cutting her wrists and overdosing. There was drying blood everywhere in splashes and smeared, gory hand prints running up an entire staircase. It turned out it actually wasn’t that much blood but on first glance it looked like several people had been violently butchered. In the middle of the carnage the ex was lounging cheerfully drinking bourbon at 1pm and joking about how his wife had “cut her wrists the wrong way” and had taken “insufficient” antidepressants and wasn’t that hilarious of her? And then he started hitting on me. I had no physical fear of this emo nerd but the whole scene sent me into fight or flight and I bolted out of there.

    On behalf of my mother’s relatives, my parents made the gesture of going to the psychiatric hospital to check on this woman (it should be clear where I get my slightly misdirected empathy from). Anyway, guess what? My name came up as the “theme” of this woman’s suicide attempt. When my parents poked their head in to ask how this woman was, she began muttering about how they should know how evil their daughter was, that I had “deliberately” cast a shadow over her whole marriage and the former bf had never stopped “obsessing” about me. My parents were chilled to the bone and said it looked like a case of murderous impulse ‘turned inward” and that, if I’d shown up a few hours earlier, it might have been my blood on the walls. Amazingly, this woman wasn’t that seriously injured by the attempt but she signed up for shock treatment, then she and the former bf divorced. Before the papers were even filed, the former bf began sending me disgustingly sexual letters which I’d steam open, photograph as evidence in case things escalated on the advice of friends, then would reseal and “return to sender” to make him think I’d moved to an undisclosed location. He eventually stopped and I never heard from him again. But, to this day, the former bf’s ex wife goes around telling anyone who will listen that I had “always been jealous” of her because she’d “stolen” my boyfriend. I never bothered to correct the narrative and was just glad I lived so far away from that mess, especially after my parents retired in warmer climes and I never had to go back there.

    Studies have found that so-called “mate poachers”– not to mention poachees– tend to be high in “dark triad” traits, particularly psychopathy. In my case, the poacher never poached a thing from me but the defining factor is that she somehow needed to view it this way and so did this malignant geek of an ex bf. For chumps own safety, we should probably take those reports seriously and automatically err on the side of extreme caution if any FW starts to act the least bit strange. Whether it ever clearly manifests or not, I sense there’s kind of a pall of death and violence hovering all around the margins of pathological triangulation.

    • That’s amazing. You were definitely blessed to not fall into that trap. But it does sound like the two of them were not playing with a full deck. In my case, from the early days when I met my FW he was obsessed with a young woman friend who he had a crush on and she had died just after college. Fast forward 35 years and he is still obsessed with her. SMDH.

      Meanwhile, his three live children have minimal contact with him because he’s such a miserable disappointment.

      Some people need to live out a victim role and will look for someone to be their villain. That was my FW. Is it pain, trauma, psychosis that makes them act like that?

      • DrDr… Is it pain, trauma, psychosis? God if I know. I’ve always been interested in that stuff but the skeins I untangle are mostly for “red flag identification” purposes. I’m also trying to figure out how I’ve ended up in similar dynamics more than once, at least in terms of being with a narcissist who triangulates out of mommy issues.

        My relationship kryptonite has something to do with “smart.” For someone else, it could be the idea that, say, people involved in rescuing or helping professions make the best partners. As a kid I grew up in a family that admired my “genius” uncle who was a do-gooder extraordinaire who built a green tech empire where not even the manufacturing facilities polluted and all the workers were treated as equals in a flat organizational structure. I swear this generated some myth in my head that super smart people are also better, safer, kinder people. Since I’m really not great at math (numeric dyslexia), it could look like fan girl crap or like I was raised to be a “courtesan” for “movers and shakers” but I think it was really about safety. I thought smarter meant kinder. As it happens, the guy I dated at the end of high school now has a nice post as technical director of a plasma physics program at a top ten university.

        If that first bf is nuts, it pays well and he seems to have nestled into a cozy niche with fellow nuts. Maybe it reflects our entire society that pathological nuts rise in certain corners. Look at nuclear culture (which relates to ionized plasma gases) and the functionally delusional way that nuclear scientists justify their deadly contributions. Whatever the case, my assumption that “smart = good/kind/humane” now looks like Utopian idiocy to me. Just like devils don’t wear horns, there is no “infallible caste” that can be identified by job title or some in-your-face trait or other. Still, it’s not an uncommon fallacy. Just ask Elie Wiesel who never got over the fact that the architects of the Holocaust were among the most educated in history– and then got pawned by his own bias again when he trusted Madoff’s bs “intellectual humanist” pose. But every generation has to learn the lessons of the last all over again. I would date so-called “geniuses” and talented types and then keep digging through the horseshit thinking there had to be a kind, stable, ethical pony under there.

        I still like geeks and brainiacs if just for entertainment value. They can be funnier and even the ones who fake alignment and “mirror” do it more insightfully. But in an age of tech dominance, those types can also be among the worst narcissists around because their stock runs so high. If geeks are somewhat less prone to caveman violence, it might only be because they can destroy others with the power of their minds alone. On top of this, the environment of corporate psychopathy tends to “encourage” and bolster the worst of the worst who will then be more likely to present themselves with confidence as “smart.” So now tried-and-true humility and ethics are the first order traits I value. I wasn’t wrong to value that in my uncle, just in thinking that this automatically came in tow with analytical brain capacity. Fuck no it doesn’t. Hello Zuckerberg, Musk, Gates, etc.

      • DrDr…”ps” about your ex’s “pining.” WTF is it with psychos and carrying delusional romantic torches forever n’ ever? I can understand the enduring pain of losing a beloved family member or dear friend to untimely death but healthy people experiencing loss tend to eventually honor that love by sharing it and valuing the capacity in others, even if it’s not expressed romantically.

        • I think my FW is a covert narc, so idolizing a dead woman is one way to make himself a victim forever. Martyrs gotta martyr.

          • Also, I’m the villain in his narrative. He said I crushed his dreams (for the past 30 years) and that all this time I, “had my foot on his neck.” Yes, gentle readers, he invoked the murder of George Floyd to describe himself in relation to ME—his wife, mother of his three children and the absolute villain in his life. He: A 50ish, pasty white suburban dad with a desk job. Yes. He did. WTactualF? He’s nuts is all I can think.

            • DrDr– Holy crap. The original application of the term “Karen” was to describe entitled white folks with desk jobs who dial 911 to report hapless passersby for things like “bird watching while black.” As much as I cringe at how the term’s original meaning has been watered down by the white media appropriating it to describe every slightly uppity or annoying woman on earth, I really don’t think the gods of civil rights would protest using the term on a white cheater who compares himself to (shriek, wtf?) George Floyd to describe the woes of facing civil consequences for being unable to keep his pecker in his pants. I think your ex is a Karen in the original sense.

          • There’s also a more macabre way to view extreme idealization. Serial killers arguably kill their victims to make, in a sense, “angels” or figments of them that they can hold and own forever. There are shades of this in Dante Gabriel Rossetti’s treatment of his so-called muse, Elizabeth Siddal. Even before she died, likely by suicide (with a bit of help from Rossetti who chumped and gaslighted her half to death), he was memorializing her in poetry as a dearly departed angel in heaven looking lovingly down on him. Kind of like Rossetti insisting Siddal cover her ears because ears are too human and ugly and not eat because fat isn’t wan and ideal enough, perhaps a woman being actually alive was too human and ugly for Rosetti. Her ending seemed to manifest his ultimate fantasy. It reminds me of Sam Vaknin’s wacky but interesting riffs about how narcissists have some displaced “Thanatosian” (is that a real word or just a gamer term?) impulse to completely erase their victims.

            • Hm. This is truly uncharted territory for me. I will have to think on it some more. I started watching the Betrayal show on Hulu. Yikes! Double lives just seem so sinister. But also, exhausting! I can barely keep my one life in order.

  • Yep, this shit happens. This is why i do not automatically side with other women and I do not trust woman any more than men. They can be just as psycho and dangerous.

    When i got chased across a Walgreens parking lot by a van and had a liquor bottle smashed on the hood of my car, it was girls laughter I heard coming from the vehicle as they sped away. I had be no contact for over a year. I had cut off absolutely all mutual anybodies except for our son. I completely left him alone. It didn’t matter. They’d still terrorize me and kill me just for the fun of it.

    Everything must be documented. I used to be a very private person who didn’t talk about my problems. My lawyer told me that’s how you end up dead. Now i tell everyone everything something strange happens. She shows up at your tennis match? Stop the match immediately. Inform everyone your stalker has arrived and you are not safe. Ask staff to remove your stalker while you hide somewhere. Let her have a meltdown, they’ll call the police.

    Inform your employer, Co workers, all friends. Anywhere she shows up, go ask for help. I didn’t expect help because my own shitty friends and family didn’t care but I’ve been surprised to find that other people do care and are happy to help. Tell people the situation, tell them you’re afraid, and then let the psycho hang herself. Because they will. They have no legitimate reason to be following you and terrorizing you so when people realize that’s what they’re doing and ask them why and tell them to leave, they’re going to look batshit insane. And that is what you take to court and to the cops to get restraining orders and mark them as psychos for life and protect yourself. Stay calm, report everything.

    • I also want to add, my ex’s pedophile adult baby girlfriend tried to buy a gun during our divorce. She was refused because someone else had got a restraining order against her. It came up in the background check. That person may have saved my life. Documentation is so important.

    • Great point about telling people. It’s a strange quirk of normal people living under abnormal threat is that we literally risk dying from our own embarrassment and wish not to bother other people with messes we didn’t cause. I remember an Anthony Hopkin’s line about that in some otherwise bad movie about an evil bear (?). He says that people who get lost in the wilderness “mostly die of shame.” Why do we do that?

  • I’m willing to bet that the OW and FW had an off-and-on relationship during those years. My FW swore up and down that the OW was just a former co-worker (much younger college intern, turned out) who out of the blue sent him a letter, seven years after they’d last worked together/communicated. He didn’t even know how she’d found our address! I eventually discovered they’d had a two-year affair that began back then, and they’d occasionally been in contact in the interim. She’d also been following his YouTube channel (a/k/a our life on display, but with me behind the scenes) the whole time, as well.

    Another OW was off-and-on for five years, overlapping that time. When FW confessed this to me as part of his fake remorse/Hoover/radical honesty act, he claimed they’d only had a fling for a few weeks, while I had been away, then completely cut contact—and that she was scary, and a mistake, and someone he wanted nothing to do with. (“She practically raped me” was one of his lines.) I found intermittent correspondances from that entire time and learned that there were also times when she’d drive hours so he could sneak out to run “errands” (fuck in his truck) while I was at home. I’m sure what I learned was only the tip of the iceberg, but it was plenty to condemn him as a shallow, shameless, duplicitous POS.

    I knew nothing about any of this when it was happening, had zero suspicions of cheating for seven years. As so many other chumps share here, my ex only revealed what he perceived helped his cause/helped him gain the upper hand. It was all about controlling me and the narrative and getting whatever he wanted at any given moment. If I discovered something that undermined his narrative and control, he’d scramble to get it back and would covertly interrogate and prompt me to elicit what I knew/didn’t know in order to begin to spin a new web of lies.

  • LinkedIn is the new booty call cesspit. It’s triggering for me because I set up my cheater with a LinkedIn profile as part of our shared business and that’s how the BB in my case fou

    • Posted too soon!
      Continuing… that’s how the mate poacher skin suit found my CheaterX.
      Basically she adopted many of my actual traits including my profession and it got super crazy and wild. From LinkedIn!!
      Everyone is at risk when “skin suits” or “mate poachers” enter the picture.
      It’s violating, covert and super dangerous. Mehny was mighty the way she handled PP.
      All chumps need to not engage as per Mehny’s fine example

    • How about Facebook as the “new booty call cesspit”?
      I think FW is on their now looking for some new “old” supply. (Reconnecting with high school friends and women from long ago jobs.)

      Because he just has so much free time? What a disgrace.

      • DrDr,
        Facebook might be the old cesspit rather than the new one! But the ‘seerious’ psycho stalkers use the professional angle of LinkedIn to get an easy “in” with their target.
        Doesn’t mean the FWs like your Ex won’t use FB if they think they can groom someone easily, just that I have heard of (and experienced) a lot of stalking that goes on with LinkedIn. I ended up hibernating mine (so the profile is there but no one can see you unless you log in again) due to the crazy OW in my life.

  • Wow, this one is a mystery to me as to why this woman would waste the time on a battle she already “won” but then CL said….the hypotenuse….maybe LinkedIn has found another Link and she’s thinking it’s this lady. Cheaters don’t quit. Wonder how crazy she’d be without Yoga.

  • This may be a stupid comment but I’m curious what you all think. What about sending her a polite letter asking her why she’s doing all this (list the events as in the letter to CL) and cc: Porky? Maybe ask if Porky is talking about her (Mehny). I’m wondering if she might even respond with some reason, as Carol39 says….maybe Porky is feeding Yoga Bear a line of BS or he’s cheating & blaming it on Mehny. Maybe some communication might help get to the bottom esp if Porky IS playing the two against each other? Bad idea? I just like to be direct myself.

    • There are people that LIVE for any type of interaction, even bad interaction. It really is best to not interact because they are not sane. Yes, they certainly appear sane to the outside world. My FW’s female is a Family Counselor and has a Masters in Psychology. But when I was going through the last efforts to save my marriage, and in my efforts to speak with her to make her realize that if she would just get out of FW’s life, then my family would still be intact, I quickly realized that she was not the type of person that it was safe to speak with. I remember in my 2nd interaction with her that she was very calm as she told me everything she and the FW did. Just matter of fact. She wasn’t screaming at me of how she was better than me and that I couldn’t keep my man. I was shocked because she was very calm in the telling of where, when, and how often. All I could say, is “You’re sick. There’s something really wrong with you. You’re really sick.” And I left. Now the FW is married to her and though I never asked, I was also told that she checks his cell phone and keeps tabs on everywhere he goes. I wouldn’t doubt she even has a GPS tracker on his car. There are sick, sick people in this world and you don’t know it until you become a threat to them.

    • Personally, I would never give the Yoga Whore the satisfaction of me acknowledging her existence. Years ago, I emailed the Pig about my concerns over an upcoming vacation with Dd. SHE emailed me back and her closing line was “I’m sorry you’re so bitter.”

      Oh, I wanted with every bone in my body to respond to that but, no contact.

      I will never, ever email her.

      I somewhere read (here?) that ignoring FWs is the strongest move you can make. It drives them crazy.


  • This post reminds me of the risk of exposing an affair, telling APs partner etc which seems to be standard advice to posters on another site. Yes potentially the honourable thing to do but chumps have to prioritise their own safety and well-being and as we all know there are a lot of people running around who look normal but have a screw loose including APs.

  • My first cheating XH had a crazy OW who would call me at home and hang up or yell into my ear WHERE IS HE???She Waited for my husband to get done in the delivery room with me so THEY could celebrate the birth of my daughter together, without me. There were knock down drag out fights between them by reports from my older child about who would ultimately win the turd (at the house of OW).So CL is so right. These crazy couples will pitch drama to the extreme to keep centrality and kibbles to MAXIMUM FLOW. What mightyness to leave Pronto! PROTECT YOURSELF THEY ARE UNSTABLE.I did that with #2 cheater 34 years later. My hat is off to you. Protect lawyer said she would fix me up with any letter I need or court action if my XH or XHs bubbly OW(s). Start harassing. I’m not dancing!

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