Rage Plumbing and Other Acts of Mightiness
There are some benefits to a shared life, even with a FW. Perhaps your FW knows how to start the lawn mower, or do small engine repair, or complicated taxes. Then you’re on your own and all those jobs are now yours.
Today’s Friday Challenge is to share all the domestic things you thought you could not do — and then with some moxie, discovered you CAN do them. And it wasn’t so bad, or so mysterious — because there’s a youtube video for everything, right?
Moreover, you did these things without attitude. Or scorekeeping.
CN member here, Luziana coined the term “rage plumbing” — which is exactly what it sounds like. A plumbing fix under duress. Meanwhile, I follow her on Facebook, and damn if the woman didn’t just fix her clothes dryer.
There’s a lot of mightiness and can-do spirit out there. What did you learn to do yourself?
TGIF!
I don’t know how this was ever acceptable to me, but FW couldn’t be bothered with these types of domestic tasks. I would have to assign them to him. Maybe it’s my drive. Maybe it’s my independence, but I would call someone or I’d learned all of it and always handled all of it as needed. He was good at painting. So, that was nice. Even putting something together, like assembling something. Most of the time he’d get too pissed off. Or I would read the directions and tell him what to do/do it together/end up taking it over because his patience was short. How was that acceptable to me? Thanks for the reflection CL. Oooof.
I definitely see now how little he did and when he did so something he would throw a tantrum. He was a passive-aggressive MOFO. Neither of us is handy, but at least his BS rage is gone!
Mine couldn’t be bothered especially towards the end. He used to mow and do car stuff, but the mechanical stuff usually ended in chaos, like the time he wanted to take the front end of my car apart in my work parking lot after he dropped a clip into the headlight “compartment” when changing a headlight for me. (I still don’t know a lot about cars, but can pay to have someone do it for me.) He’d also procrastinate on mowing to the point that we regularly got notices from the city, until I started just doing it. (I was the one who was usually home to answer the door when the dude came around got the lecture.) Ex then would get upset that I was mowing and not giving him the chance.
We’d always split the home maintenance stuff but there are things that I’ve managed without him (like patching a leaking pipe until the plumber could get here or repairing the washer after my daughter sock got sucked into the drain line or replacing the window that the dog broke twice trying to get to the chipmunks on the backporch) where I might have relied on his help before.
My dad was also a big help when a giant tree branch came down during a storm and detached the electric line from the house.
Just being able to recognize what you are able to do and what you should just pay a professional to do is head and shoulders above my ex. I cannot count the number of times he took something apart just to have it languish in a closet somewhere til he finally junked it because he had no idea how to put it back together. Please note: It wasn’t always items he owned that he did this with. Once I was working retail and won a very nice fishing pole from work and within an hour of me having brought it home, he had decided to take it apart for some asinine reason and had it broken. I never even got to use it once.
He did that with a few instruments too. Luckily they weren’t mine. I probably learned how to fix all the stuff I did because he was always breaking stuff. I know I learned how to plumb my bathroom sink because he claimed he fixed the plunger stopper, but instead made it so the whole thing drained into the cabinet. So since I don’t have to fix stuff he broke, I’m actually ahead by at least half.
What is the rage thing with them? Mine also would get pissed when presented with a challenge. When I started doing the things that he had done, I sat wondered why he became so upset, because the majority of them, just took a little bit of patience. I honestly think he wanted me to think it all so complicated and he was such a master for having achieved. He was a master at BS.
The rage is instrumental; it’s to make you back off and stop bugging him to step up/do some adulting/take his responsibilities. Just like the deliberate incompetence is; they use it because it works.
But there’s another layer to the rage; how DARE you ask his/her precious and perfect self to step up/do some adulting etc?? They truly believe they should only have to do what they feel like doing IN THAT MOMENT (because what they figure is ok for them to do changes w/their moods).
It’s interesting, because the deliberate incompetence allows them to maintain a semi-nice-person facade, while the rage means they actually don’t care that they may look like an asshole.
(I had a friend whose husband apparently couldn’t figure out how to change a diaper. The man had three degrees and ran his own mid-sized company.)
Mine too. I swear the term “Weaponized Incompetence” in the dictionary has his picture next to it. When he was gone I was actually quite surprised that the only day to day difference at that point for me was that I was no longer responsible for dealing with whatever he needed anymore. Now I only had one toddler to take care of! It doesn’t keep him from sending me endless missives about how I should be raising our son, but I’m happy to ignore them now since I know his opinion is worth less than nothing. 🙂
One time he picked up our son during the first year after and he asked me if I needed him to mow the lawn for me. HA! I’d rather have it grow into a jungle than let him do it. I’m sure the fact it was a few centimeters higher than usual made him believe I was an unfit mother and NEEDED A MAN! Truth is, he had been setting the mower far to low and it had been damaging the grass, it needed to grow to repair the damage he’d been doing by mowing wrong. He couldn’t even mow right.
we should just write a collective book called weaponized incompetence that’s a photo gallery.
For Dr. D’s book, I nominate my sister’s FW first husband, who sat on the couch and watched my parents help her paint the whole first floor. Paint rollers are so hard to operate.
I can’t believe this is the first time I’ve thought of that lazy, cheap fucker while reading CL, but Weaponized Incompetence brought it right out.
Only a few days after my FW left the laundry washer machine pump stopped working. $400 repair the repairman said. I was able to order the part for $60, watched a few YouTube videos and wallah, it worked after 5 hours of laying on a cold floor reaching under the machine. After that I purchased a home warranty for $46 a month that covers all appliance, ceiling fans, electrical and plumbing repairs. I now do all outside work exhole use to do, surprisingly.
Keepmovingforward, I had a home warranty the first year I owned my home. But, when the heat when out, the company had to send out 3 different technicians before it was fixed. I was not impressed. Fortunately, this happened in March, and it wasn’t very cold.
And I didn’t renew when it expired.
And I nominate my ex-husband for the cover photo! He never lifted a finger to help with the chores – the thing that sticks in my mind is that he refused to use the microwave to warm up a meal for himself because he couldn’t figure out how to use it (mind you, he was a medical professional who used fancy equipment every day at work but pushing a couple of buttons on the microwave was beyond him). Let’s not even talk about household repairs – I once spent most of a day replacing two closet doors that he’d damaged in a drunken stupor while he whined that dinner was going to be late.
Couldn’t figure out how to use the microwave? Seriously?
And people wonder why I never wanted to marry…
I was always envious of other couples I knew as apparently they all had blue jobs & pink jobs divided between them, however in the marital home, all the jobs were mine, putting the rubbish out, gardening, decorating, sorting my car out ect,
also realised after DDay I was & always had been a single parent while married to the FW…. My life is now a peaceful oasis…..& adult kids refuse to have anything to do with him 🥰
Refusal to master the microwave–that takes weaponized incompetence to a new level!
Even I can handle a microwave. I can even handle different models on the fly!🤣 Maybe I should list that as a skill on my resume?😁
At 62 years of age, I learned to rewire a light fixture and install a ceiling fan. And there were no fires or crashes. Take that FW!
That’s awesome!
I replaced a light fixture in my bathroom. I usually don’t mess with electrical stuff, but it wasn’t that hard really, and the light worked when I was done! It’s a good feeling.
I did my taxes in the second year after he died, I am a great carpenter and not a bad plumber, but electric stuff is beyond my expertise, so I applaud your accomplishments in this realm !!
I did this, I removed a ceiling fan and replaced it with a flat light and no house fire yet!!
Your meme reminds me of a bumper sticker I saw recently “calm your tits” lol. I put together an elliptical bike straight outta the box, something I would’ve never tempted if FW had been in the vicinity. I would’ve been too concerned about his disapproval & amusement if it took me too long & didn’t get it just perfect. I used a drill for the first time ever, nothing earth-shaking, but just watching YouTube videos on home repairs & becoming a “handywoman”. I have an acquaintance & instead of attempting her own handywoman-ness, went out & got another FW. No thanks! I would rather spend hours watching YouTube on repeat & swearing like a sailor while doing so than having to put up with another degenerate. “Calm your Tits” is what I tell I tell myself now banging around trying to fix something & have a huge giggle when I do. TGIF!
Anything. Everything. Car batteries. Tires. Sprinklers. It’s not rocket science. The assholes were lazy assholes.
So I traded my dads truck for the ex’s tractor in the divorce. I needed the tractor since I live in the middle of nowhere and it’s great for heavy lifting and if need be digging holes. Well. Of course ex was to busy doing whatever with whoever and didn’t maintain it. Thanks to YouTube I have changed the oil the fuel filter the hydraulic fluid and am a whiz at greasing it. It is even waxed. I fixed the ATV too. It wasn’t running at all. This past week I have trapped 6 mice. The dog left the door open …. I have repaired the chicken coop and redid the fence. I haul water every week and just restocked the wood pile. I set up surround sound in the shop along with a tv and dvd player. That’s so I can sit and look at the tractor while listening to the music I like The place looks so much better without him. It’s a zen experience now.
Your life sounds like heaven to me! I’m impressed by the surround sound install, as I’m not sure I’d know how to do that. I love that you’re doing tractor maintenance, as he should have, but we all know FW’s are all about show, and no boring routine (important) things 😂
<<< Applause >>>
I dug out a garden at the front of my house, planted and maintained it, bloody hard going but I did it. I drill holes, I’ve put in a cat flap, I’m about to put right the door surround from where I had to take the old one out using my new chop saw, I paint gunned and restored my garden swing seat and I routinely maintain a huge garden and shrubs and hedges on my own. I have decorated quite a few of the rooms in my house, this weekend I’m going to put new mastic around the sink. Now, frankly sometimes this is knackering and I know my limits and there are jobs where I need help for sure but the satisfaction I get when I manage these things myself is huge. While this all started out as ‘I’ll show you what I’m capable of’ it’s now just the satisfaction of being accomplished and not afraid to try things. Can’t wait to give the chop saw a bit of a workout and see what I can do it with it.
I don’t know how I lived without my chopsaw, Sawzall, and multi-tool. I used to be so serious, but now I’m a veritable cut-up.
So envious!! I need a chopsaw!!
I see what you did there, Grandma Chump! 🤣
I did everything myself from the get go. The ONLY thing he did was grill (beer and partying was involved so he embraced that skill well). I missed juicy well-flavored meat so I figured it out.
Ha. FW thought he was great at grilling so he always insisted on doing it, but he always turned the meat too frequently and dried it out. I usually (subtly) stepped in to assist and make sure stuff actually turned out okay.
I fixed the furnace in the middle of winter, unfroze my pipes, fixed the sprinklers, fixed the AC, painted a metal awning (primed first), fixed a leaky shower and got rid of mold, and the list goes on. I don’t need him for anything. I did my taxes on my own too. Wasn’t that hard. We idealize these guys for not much. Whatever it is, you can do it yourself.
Installed new bathroom sink and plumbed. Took down kitchen cabinets and installed open shelving. Built deck landing to front door. Landscaped front yard. Installed new vinyl fence. Removed wet carpet in basement and sealed floor. Not the toughest projects but all were a lot of work for one person and never would’ve attempted without a little bit of rage.
I can do all things through spite, which strengthens me.
LOL
Another thing I agree with!😂
Ha, belong to Unvirtuous Abbey grp on fb, and this is practically their motto. Amen.
I painted the basement bathroom and hired someone to finally tile the shower. I learned to use the riding lawnmower. I removed ice damns that appeared while on a winter vacation – thanks Bob Vila. I filed a hail damage claim and then got a new roof and gutters. Also hired someone to replace the water tank. Did all the things he just didn’t want to bother with!
I was so intimidated by my riding mower, but it’s really fun!
Good for you, ISawTheLight! They absolutely can be fun. I haven’t had one in around 23 years, but I remember. I am not, however, a fan of Cub Cadet riding mowers. I would get a different brand if if I ever needed another one. Ok, sorry, TMI.🤣
I have a Scott brand one, which the repairman (I had it tuned) said is made by John Deere. It’s older, but it’s good for my purposes (it was also free, given to me by my neighbor, who was getting rid of a few).
Back in the day, when I was struggling to get by, (it gets so much better new chumps!), I needed to mow my lawn and the machine had broken down a few weeks earlier. Summertime. In the city. Couldn’t afford a new one, nor a service.
Went into proud beast mode (Was NOT going to call FW), repaired it. Don’t even remember what I did – just followed along a YouTube tutorial. got it humming again.
Replaced two interior doorknobs, patched concrete sidewalk, stained deck, painted front door and shutters, repaired antique end table, purchased excellent used car, assembled microwave cart, maintain yard with push reel mower, invented scratch-less, top of car snow remover tool. Located the charging device from an old laptop and found it can replace my current, broken one. Located a nut/bolt from my collection to repair folding table.
FW would spend hours “shopping”. These mighty acts have been healing.
I learned to pump gas, yes I didnt’ pump it for 30 years. I opened a bank account and learned about money. I changed light bulbs in a 9 ft ceiling condo, and last week changed my furnace filter which was a challenge. I didn’t even know where on my car the little button was to release the gas cap thingy. I remember being on empty and rushing into the garage to ask the guy behind the counter where the button was, he was a Millennial so had no idea, got out the car manual and found it. I discovered I had a CD player in my car after owning it 10 years, and also Onstar which I hit by accident one day preening in front of my rear view mirror, hit the button by accident and heard a voice, I thought it was GOD speaking to me. Clueless about all things mechanical. Empowered now though….
Oh, I can so relate Charmee! I was not mechanical either – everything you said was describing me. I love your honesty, attitude and way with words. You made my day because I am smiling and I am going to have a great day.
Charmee, I love this!
Oh, I have one. My ex took the ceiling fan down in our apartment and hung up this big black light fixture with a bunch of edison bulbs on it. (It was the reason I decorated the living room in black furniture and copper accents, to match his light fixture, but during the divorce he bitched that he wanted soft gray decor and hated my decor but ok) So, anyways, he’s an eletrician. He said he would put the ceiling fan back up before moving out. He did not.
I don’t know if he was just lazy or didn’t care or wanted an excuse to come back into the apartment but that was not happening. So I looked up a youtube video and put the ceiling fan back up myself. Then I joked for the next month that I was an electrician now. “What? Like it’s hard?”
KatiePig , speaking from my life experience, one should NEVER take down a ceiling fan unless it no longer works. Ceiling fans really do help with comfort!
Honestly? Nothing. I’m one of two daughters of a lifelong farmer and I know how to do shit.
I took apart the car door, replaced the handle, and put it all back together by myself, at 7 months pregnant.
That same car has been sitting in FWs garage for almost a year because first, he couldn’t be bothered to put in a new battery and then, when someone did that for him, the tire rod broke and it still sits.
So he’s doing the rage plumbing these days. Or maybe his house just floods. Meh.
Everyone I’ve ever met who grew up on a farm is supremely competent. I really respect it.
You never met my xFW, so I have to say not all are competent. He was raised on a dairy farm and the laziest person I have ever known. He didn’t paint, take out trash, change a flat tire….but he did mow the grass in the summer. That was basically all he did, but once that grass was mowed he would have me come out and show me how nice the yard looked, loved to point out how nice he mowed around the mailbox 🤦♀️.Of course he had an $8000, 360°riding lawn mower. Then he’d shower, sit on the porch, drink beer and watch me do all the trimming with the weed wacker. He was supremely an asshole.
My artist mother didn’t grow up on a farm but her immigrant Finnish family did everything from deep sea fishing, growing their own vegetables, making their own clothes, raising chickens, training horses, hunting, building furniture and houses and waging guerrilla warfare on skis. You’d never know it to look at her but she could have survived in the wilderness for decades with a Swiss army knife and a tube of Neosporin. If I hadn’t been raised in urban environments, she probably would have taught me a lot more but I think she still imparted the DIY spirit. Short of having the stomach to wring the necks of chickens and fight Nazi invasions, I’m handy with power tools and can reupholster furniture.
I hate to point this out, HOC, but Finland was semi-allied with Germany during WW2 to fight their common enemy, the Soviet Union, in a weird collaborative relationship until very late in 1944 when Finland finally turned against Germany. The enemy of my enemy is my friend, more or less. They didn’t fight Nazis via skis, they fought Soviet invaders. Finland wasn’t Nazified during the period and didn’t persecute their citizens but they did build and maintain camps to hold their Soviet prisoners of war and swapped some of them for Finns held by Germany. We can imagine that didn’t end well for the prisoners.
Replace rusty bolts on toilet, clean out gutters, repair weedeater, replaced weather stripping on door, drill new holes in entertainment center to adjust shelf, cleaned out condensation drain pipe on central air unit (for boyfriend at the time who didnt know how), my daughter was determined to replace a door knob herself when she was 15 and did a fabulous job. I’ve learned these things are not hard and I did t blow them off with the excuse that I “didn’t have the right tool”. As a mom I was already doing the hardest part of running a household. These time to time home repairs are a breeze compared to the daily grind of raising kids.
During suffering I was going to sell the beautiful home we bought for retirement because it was older, had a pool, several zones of sprinklers, a riding lawn mower. While getting it ready to sell I learned how to work the riding lawn mower and also bought a push mower just in case and added it, I learned how to take care of the pool, all chemicals, balancing, cleaning etc. I learned how to fix the yard sprinklers and clean out the home air/heater, hang pictures, curtains, fix power issues like when I circuit goes or whatever. I changed the oil in both lawnmowers and replaced a headlight on an old family van that I ended up selling it. I also bought a new a washer and we never had the hot hooked up because the faucet leaked, I was able to fix that! Him leaving was the best for me.
Wow! Amazing job! I love that you kept the house!
I kept the house!
That’s what I was waiting to find out, so glad you did!
Driving. As lame as it sounds, I never learned how to drive. It always scared me. My ex left me after being in a devastating car accident that left me unable to walk. And after 4 years of recovery, proudly I can say, I’ve had a Tesla and my license for a year next week!
I would say HELLA BRAVE.
Damn! Not lame! You literally became UN-lame.
Now let’s do some score keeping ……. I fixed my washing machine, thanks to Youtube. It worked while I had it for another 5 years and is still going strong 3 or 4 years after that as my (student) daughter now has the machine. I built some out-of- the-box furniture, moved 4 times and assembled beds, set up the TV etc., drilled holes for shelving, and everything else involved with downsizing home(s). Successfully planned and enjoyed several vacations or get-aways by myself. I bought a Townhouse while going through the terribly painful separation and then sold it recently for a nice price. All by myself!!!! My finances are in order and I am not in the red. I secured a (water-view) housing situation for myself that works in my favour where my rent is below market value in a different city – I am thus free of all the triggering memories of our life together and without the stress of bumping into him and his latest gf. Just listing these makes me realize how mighty I have been. No plumbing or deck-building, but my accomplishments are remarkable because FW was actually very handy around the home. However, he would set things up so that even turning the TV on was complicated so that I had to ask him for help – every damn time. I kid you not.
Life is simpler, stress-free and I am financially in a much better place. I have discovered over the years that I am capable and far better off by not having a cheating , lying liar (32 years of it) in my life. I am now 66 years of age, had never drilled a hole in my life or fixed anything – If I can do it, anyone can. Not sure if I would aspire to building that deck or tackle the plumbing, but Luziana and other mighty chumps inspired me at the time, and continue to do so.
You are truly Mighty!
I bought a condo six months after divorcing the FW. By myself. No hyperventilating about what it would cost like with the FW. The toilet broke. I replaced the guts (this was before YouTube videos or the Internet) in the tank with little effort, but a lot of going back and forth to the kind of little hardware store that used to exist before the big box stores took over. The kind of store that let you borrow tools that you’ll only need once or twice in your lifetime and then bring back. Except if you’re a professional plumber. I can only imagine the drama if I’d had the FW around. The only thing the FW did was wash his car. Oh. He did cook. He thought he was Jacques Pepin. He wasn’t. I taught myself how to cook. I threw away 40 pounds of biscuits and pie crust before I mastered them. I can now do both blindfolded. I make better biscuits than he ever thought of. His were like hockey pucks. Mine are high, flaky, buttery masterpieces. Jacques Pepin would think my biscuits are sensational.
I bought a condo six months after divorcing the FW. By myself. No hyperventilating about what it would cost like with the FW. The toilet broke. I replaced the guts (this was before YouTube videos or the Internet) in the tank with little effort, but a lot of going back and forth to the kind of little hardware store that used to exist before the big box stores took over. The kind of store that let you borrow tools that you’ll only need once or twice in your lifetime and then bring back. Except if you’re a professional plumber. I can only imagine the drama if I’d had the FW around. The only thing the FW did was wash his car. Oh. He did cook. He thought he was Jacques Pepin. He wasn’t. I taught myself how to cook. I threw away 40 pounds of biscuits and pie crust before I mastered them. I can now do both blindfolded. I make better biscuits than he ever thought of. His were like hockey pucks. Mine are high, flaky, buttery masterpieces. Jacques Pepin would think my biscuits are sensational.
I wish I could be handy because I would have kept my house. But without Mr. 2xcheater🚫again, I raged packed up my whole house, found an apt and moved like a stealth bomber. Under the radar. My Mr.2xcheater 🚫again was a mechanic and an electrician so I never even opener the hood of the car. Was not supposed to touch anything. I found the most awesome young man in his grandads old time mechanic shop ( 70 years in the Family business)and he is honest to his bones and answers his own phone at his business! I call whenever I hear any noise and he is teaching me things I can do. I fill my own tires and take care of my own car. I find good people to take over from Mr 2x🚫again and they don’t expect me to do anything for them except write a check. I realized that EVERYTHING Mr. 2x did for me was TRANSACTIONAL,and I owed him pay with my body. Even if he never ever finished a project. So yes, I know I’m not handy but I can find the best people and they are kind and good and have given me boosts in my moral. Yes there are good men out there,but I’m not marrying them to test out my theory either! Life is good without Mr. 2x 🚫again, and I have made my own way and life after 32 years!! Hey chumps you can do this!
Right after D-Day I had to call in a plumber. I remember the moment when he stood at my front door and said, “$165 please.” I wrote a check, he took it, said thank you and walked away. No pouting and whining. No anger over not getting an immediate appreciation blow job. Just a cheerful thanks and out of my life he went. I was stunned for a bit.
It’s hard to describe that moment to people who do not understand.
Huh, that’s kind of what my mom used to say after she left my dad. She said getting anything done in the house caused a huge argument the last few years they were married. I didn’t witness this, but apparently my dad got much more difficult after I moved out to go to college.
She said it was amazing to just call somebody, schedule the service, be there while they did it, and pay them.
Luzy here. Tracy is right. Those of us whose FW does not help with F-all can do so much more than we thought. And fella chumps? If you’re lonely you CAN cook and bake and have instant friends that are deeper than hobby buddies. True fact, PEOPLE LOVE PIE.
In the last few weeks I was coming up short by a grand for daughter’s college tuition and Ghost Dad was hemming and hawing how he couldn’t afford his half before it was due. My dryer was broken, a headlight was out, tire sensors failing and air and cabin filters were dirty on both cars. Mechanics wanted over a thousand to fix that and look at a small new weird sound in the exhaust of the 8 year old car that is a fresh hell every pay period. I JUST PUT $1500 into it. My file cabinet also collapsed.
I have my limits. I won’t be able to fix the exhaust or the tire sensors myself. I don’t do any electrical more elaborate than rewiring a lamp or switch. I will not take my 30K bionic knees on a roof.
But everything else? The dryer, the headlights, the air and cabin filters? With the wonders of YouTube and Amazon, the cost for all of those was less than a hundred. I saved over 900 dollars and the complexity of ALL was no more than putting batteries in a kid’s toy. I sorted all my files and fixed the drawer with new camber bolts and wood glue.
Chump Friends, that $900 was real and it went right the F onto the College Tuition, right where the 5K braces went, the travel, the school trips, the hobbies and music lessons, the high school grad gift, the no frills 10 year old Honda Civic she drives.
I will give my daughter the start she deserves in life regardless of how her dad fails her.
And it feels heckin’ great. When that new dryer heating element blew warm over my dusty cobweb covered feet, I may have screamed, raised my fist and said something more than HECK to the Universe.
AND, another great benefit, you daughter is watching you do all of this! She will never keep a man just because he’s “handy”. You Rock!
I get boiling hot over dealer charges for changing air filters, but especially cabin filters. I was standing at the dealer service counter overhearing them quoting a women $99 to change the cabin air filter. She looked distressed and walked away. I followed her out and told her I could show her a YouTube video that would explain how to change it in 3 minutes. Filters are $10 on Amazon. Turns out she was a chump too. Got a thank you and a nice hug!
XW declared that once a kid went to college she wouldn’t deal directly with me about college expenses (which are split evenly among me, her and the kid per the divorce) and wanted everything to go through the kid. She and AP have plenty of money (7 figure inheritances and good-paying jobs) but she kept paying her share late, so my 20-yo daughter ended up repeatedly fronting XW’s share of college tuition herself. Daughter graduated nine months ago and XW still owes her $3k but daughter is reluctant to confront her over it.
My son is starting college in two weeks and XW is already starting the same bullshit with him: he and I paid our shares of his tuition with plenty of lead time; she waited until less than 24h before the due date and we didn’t know if she would actually come through, but son was reluctant to ask her about it so we were guessing until the last minute. She never informed either of us, of course: we ended up just logging into his account twice a day to see if his outstanding balance changed and breathing a sigh of relief when it dropped to zero with a few hours to spare.
I understand she hates me and thinks she should have gotten more money out of the divorce, but why is she taking it out on the kids?
Involuntary Georgian, because she can. And because she knows it makes you crazy.
IG, the NonChumped and Cheaters love to bray how Infidelitiy doesn’t mean the parent cheated on the child. Bath there are LEGIONS of us who know their commitment to their own flesh and blood is just as tenuous and conditional as to their spouse.
Ghost Dad also will only pay daughter directly now, as if I ever wasted a penny of his paltry garnished wages. And he’s fine with treating his daughter like a creditor too. Get in line behind his other kid and all the rest.
When he does give her the rest, I’ll tell her to keep it for gas and books. The only reason he’s doing anything Al all is for impression management with his wife. She was not an AP and has no idea what a liar he is.
Luziana, if I may make a small correction…She “has no idea what a liar he is” so far. But sadly, she will because of course he hasn’t changed.
I haven’t yet heard of a FW who didn’t drop the ball on their commitment to their children. In the big test of true character, cheating flushes them out.
HunnyBadger , my dad did. My mom made the mistake of making a verbal agreement for him to help me out with college expenses in exchange for her not asking for any part of his business. They were divorced in a community property state, and he started the business after they married, so she was entitled to half of it.
She was shocked when he broke his promise. She told me she never dreamed he’d do that to his only child.
Anyway, I got a loan and a grant and finished my degree. Ancient history now. I should have gone no contact with him then instead of 4 years later.
Oh shit IG. I had the same situation except it was 50/50 for me and the FW. So many bills were late. He wouldn’t tell us the bill was paid either-had to check the portal. The only time the child would say anything was when they were talking to me. Still frosts me. Fuck him. And your ex-wife too. These people suck.
I feel bad for the kids-they are in an impossible situation.
It’s called “You’re Not the Boss of Me.”
$900! Not Chump change. 😉
You are an INSPIRATION!
Plus you coined “rage plumbing” which will forever live in the CN lexicon. In awe of your mightiness.
I do have to admit that while I always was a can-do person, I did a lot of projects early on, side-by-side with the FW. He taught me perfection. At least when it comes to home projects!
Then I got better than him and didn’t realize all the “free” time that gave him. While I was building our last 2 homes and moving his parents into a renovated new home, he was busy with his affair right under my nose.
The true blessing is I’m so much better than him and not just in home repair! I’m the better person, the better friend and totally the better parent and grandparent.
He’s so old looking, unhealthy heavy and miserable looking. I’m happy, healthy, fit for my age and can still fix or MacGyver anything.
Yea me!
For anyone who doesn’t know, MacGyver was a TV character with the extraordinary knack for unconventional problem solving and an extensive bank of scientific knowledge.
People say I can fix or solve almost anything. The employees in the local hardware store don’t even ask anymore what I need. They know I. An take all sorts of strange hardware and repurpose it to do many different things.
I love a good challenge!
I used to love watching MacGyver at my grandmother’s house (we didn’t have a tv)!
Oh boy! Before I left my FW he told me “you’ll see you will call me or think about me ever time you need to connect tv cables, you know you need me for this!” with s smirk and some arrogance sprinkles all over his shit face….. it’s been 10 months and I haven’t needed him once. It also lets me know how useless he actually thinks I am or he projected his insecurities on me again for the millionth time.
I’ll write my chump letter to you at some point, all tho it would have to be concise because I could write 100 pages – front and back!
Oh yeah. “How will you manage to keep up the house if I’m not here?” I’ve done it for this long, why would I need you now?
I changed the dryer element! I also fixed my stove element. I cut down bushes, I bought a house, moved in and settled everything in and outside of my house. Changed my will, all beneficiaries, have a trust, invested my finances, host dinner parties, host overnight guest, joined groups and having fun doing it all! The other thing is I’ve handled everything electronic in my home (he was the nerd). I also did it all without an attitude and with verve!
Hurrah for verve! You and Luz can compare notes on dryer elements.
Everything- maintenance on a large house, swimming pool, large garden. Found out that all tasks that FW did with great drama were actually easy to outsource (like car maintenance or garden maintenance) or actually much easier to do with smarter procedures and better material. Starting up the pool comes to mind: FW always made this into a major dramafest taking heroic effort over multiple days. I figured out the effort was because wet leaves and debris weigh a ton. Solution? Put in a submersible pump first – rake the debris on a dry spot – take out the dryish stuff that now weighs much less. Sold the house recently in much better condition and at a nice profit. Also installed flooring with my daughter (then 11 ) She still thinks of this as a bonding experience- fixing things with mom.
I LOVE that you are teaching your daughter to be mighty and self-sufficient. It will serve her so well.
I’ve learned that I can do every last thing he complained about by myself. I’ve replaced tile in my kitchen and rewired an outlet. Also, I completed a brick patio using bricks from a 100 year old chimney that was demolished. Yesterday I bought paint for my living room. It’s the last room with new color.
Most of all I’ve redecorated my home with items that bring me joy. I picked up a 1900’s floor lamp that he’d have made fun of because, asshole. It took a day to remove the black and bring it back to its original luster. It’s gorgeous!
I take pride in my beautiful yard and enjoy mowing an acre of grass all by myself.
My ex had been in the trades and was really good at that sort of thing. He tried to teach me but was so critical about my lack of skill that I avoided that. Painting was especially a nightmare. Every small flaw was a serious problem in his eyes. After he left, the kids told me that they couldn’t stand that either. They wanted to learn, but not from him.
The rental my kids and I went to when the family house was on the market was a wreck. I fixed the fence, ice maker, toilets, fans, and more, mostly by watching Youtube. I also painted several rooms and then patched-and-painted when we left.
Similar in the next house. I replaced light fixtures, changed out plugs, removed a tree, removed blinds/hung curtains, assembled shelves, and changed out plugs. I did pay to have someone paint some of the rooms in that house and also to replace carpet with wood floors in two rooms. I don’t do high ceilings, and flooring is too much for me.
Frankly, basic house stuff isn’t that hard, and there are so many tutorials out there.
Somehow I was the one who did virtually everything while we were married, not just the financial stuff but also the traditional “guy” stuff like starting the generator, mowing (ride-on mower), fixing broken dishwashers and toilets etc…. So, adjusting to life on my own has been easy in that regard.
Actually, sometimes I wonder how my ex is managing, unless, of course, the wifetress has assumed my many roles. 🤷🏻♀️
I used to think my ex was incapable of so many things. Alas, I was wrong. For years, he managed to live a double life, make hotel reservations, pay for plane tickets with cash, lie every day, pretend to be at work, etc….ALL BY HIMSELF! #darkarts
I wrote below, but want to add:
I was wrong to take on so much in the household. There were always reasons for it at the time, but in the end people don’t appreciate something if they’ve never had to do it themselves. (This is true of everyone but goes double for people lacking in empathy). I would have had a healthier marriage if I had demanded more.
XW was raised conservatively in a conservative country (Italy) with gender roles from a generation ago. She’s an outspoken feminist in her professional life, but at home she lost respect for me because I cooked and cleaned and changed diapers and her paycheck was 50% larger than mine. I am sure she would never admit to it, but cognitive dissonance is a real thing; it’s not a coincidence that AP is (by all accounts) a mansplaining asshole who never lifted a finger with his previous wife. Personally, I find competence in a woman – including in traditional “guy” stuff – very attractive, but there are people out there who have fixed ideas of gender norms and are (perhaps unconsciously) squicked out by it. We’re from an older generation so it’s too late for us, but if there are any youngsters here I’d say to them the same I said to my daughter: look carefully at the kind of values your potential partner grew up with. Expectations and norms can get buried deep in the unconscious and rear their ugly heads unexpectedly.
“She’s an outspoken feminist in her professional life, but at home she lost respect for me because I cooked and cleaned and changed diapers and her paycheck was 50% larger than mine.” That truly sucks. I’m sorry that happened to you.
You write, “I would have had a healthier marriage if I had demanded more.” I feel the same way, although I don’t think that would have changed much. I don’t know. You press the air bubble from one part of the plastic screen protector and it reappears in another.
In my case, I did too much in part because I’m a people pleaser (thank you, FOO), and he earned more. By doing stuff, I earned my own little kibbles. I suppose. I wanted an “atta girl.’ Ugh. It seems so pathetic in retrospect. Looking back, I see that my self-esteem was in the gutter.
By the way, after D-Day when we were prepping our home for sale, he wondered why I didn’t want to repaint a room rather than hire someone because…get this…he was convinced that I LOVED to paint rooms. Ugh.
If you demand more from a FW, they accelerate the abuse. Mine cheated before and during two decades of marriage, but I didn’t find out until I insisted on taking over the “financial management” he said he was spending all that time on every day, somehow leaving us without cash despite his huge salary and an unpaid mortgage. Things went seriously downhill from there, until he announced he was cheating and intended to keep doing so, openly.
I rescued the house from foreclosure and have my own mortgage now. I don’t have to spend hours at a computer every day “managing finances”.
Oh, and weaponized incompetence? That’s the other response to asking a FW to pull their weight. I thought I hadn’t been clear enough, or he never learned to do those things, so I wrote him instructions and checklists. I still have the clean kitchen checklist, and a recursive algorithm that explains floor vacuuming.
Funny thing, neither resulted in a clean kitchen or vacuumed floor.
Now he has a girl young enough to be our daughter who does everything and doesn’t care who he sleeps with or what he does.
CountryChumpkin , my goodness, “managing finances”? Is that what the young people call it these days? (/s)
I’ve done it all since I was 51 (now almost 65). I could still cut my own grass but FW never actually did that anyway. So I hired someone to do it – and of course I can afford it without FW spending all my pay check at the bar!
The hilarious thing is that even when I was married to FW, I did all the household repairs, mowed the grass, did all the yardwork, stained the deck, did the taxes, managed all the paperwork, handled the bills, did all the housework, maintained the cars, etc. FW didn’t know fuck all about any of it (judging by the state of the marital home after I left, the man didn’t even know how to change a lightbulb). I had to teach FW how to put windshield wiper fluid in the car, check the oil, and jumpstart a car. So now that I’m single, I continue to do all the things. Only now, without him, I have enough money to pay a professional if I choose to do so. (FW was such a drain on my finances. I had no idea how much until he no longer had access to my money.) I COULD have installed my new bathroom vanities myself (in MY new house that I bought, by MYSELF), but it would have taken forever and required a lot of tools I didn’t have, so I just paid a plumber who did it all beautifully in just a couple of hours. And now I have a ride-on mower (a gift from a kind neighbor who didn’t need it anymore) so mowing the lawn is fun and not exhausting. I paid a skilled guy to come and tune it up for me, since it was an older mower (hence being free). I also took a hard look at my finances and made a plan that allowed me to pay off all my credit cards and debts in only one year, in spite of also paying my lawyer a huge sum every month. And so just two years after FW died (and I was “divorced” by default), I had repaired my credit enough that I qualified for a mortgage.
I found that YouTube is fantastic for any sort of household repairs, as there are detailed instructional videos for just about anything. I have repaired my dishwasher, washing machine, garbage disposal, replumbed a sink, replaced faucets, built furniture, etc. I’m a member of a LOVELY Facebook group called “Handy Women”, where women give each other advice and encouragement on projects no matter your skill level. There are a lot of widows or women whose husbands just won’t get around to doing projects, but there are also an awful lot of chumps who found themselves with a house and no more husband. It’s a really uplifting group and I’d highly recommend it.
When we were separated and FW was living in the marital home, a pipe going to the boiler broke and water was pouring all over the basement floor. He texted me with pictures and demanded that I call a plumber and get it fixed. He didn’t even know how to call someone (let alone find the water shut off, LOL). It was a Sunday, so it took a few calls to find someone who would come out, and FW kept sending me angry texts asking why I hadn’t gotten someone there yet. We ended up needing to replace the boiler, and I handled the whole thing, including finding a way to finance it. FW complained through the whole process about what an inconvenience it was TO HIM to have repair people coming in (we ended up needing some asbestos remediation, and the chimney relined in addition to just replacing the boiler). When they were finishing the install, he texted to find out when they would be done, because he wanted to relax, and when I said they needed more time, he called me and screamed at me over the phone so loud that all the workmen could hear him. They looked at me in pity, and I said “There’s a reason why he’s my stbx. Sorry you have to deal with him when he gets back”.
First I took down the gender neutral wallpaper in the master bathroom and painted it the color I wanted; lavender. Rage weeding got rid of the plain green plants and colorful flowers replaced. I have fixed my washer and dryer by watching a YouTube video.
The ex did absolute nothing towards any home maintenance, he either didn’t do it or expected me to do it, which usually meant involving my dad, a contractor. Then my dad had a fit of rage because of the injustice of it all, got my mom stressed. The point being: looking back, most of what he did was intentional in order to cause the most drama and stress to the whole family. Typical FW behavior.
My cheating spouse used to say if something to him I wouldn’t be able to function. I bought into his mind fuckery so when he left me for his gutter troll I learned I could do it all or hire it done. I have fixed a hole in the wall ( made by ex), mow my 60 acres, take care of the pool, weed eat, stained decks, hung pictures, burned a lot of shit ( 😉), cut down a dead tree, hired loggers, electricians, etc. , taken trips with my daughters, friends and solo. Gone to concerts, sports events and movies solo. I could go on and just realized as I am typing I have done a lot without that narcissistic lying cheating bastard. When I would ask him about my suspicions with other women his reply was “ chicks dig me” ! Well not this chick anymore! I am learning to dig me! I can do this!!! I am okay and I am striving to be better than okay. I still feel like I can’t breathe sometimes but those moments are becoming less and less. Oh the most important thing I am doing is practicing self care! ( exercise, manicures/pedicures, facials) I have learned self care is not the same as selfish!
What I learned to do myself:
Set up tv, sound bar and speakers out of the intimidating wire and gadget filled boxes in my first ever living alone apt, at age 63. ( I was shocked and impressed with myself for doing it, took me 9 hours, I wasn’t the family tech go to person,lol!)
I would have avoided that task like the plague, def in FW category in the past. ( it’s actually fascinating how little cursing is really required for such a job though, who knew?!🤷♀️)
There’s basically nothing I won’t attempt to move on my own. With a little thought and planning, I’ve found nothing is impossible to move. I’ve hauled a recliner and a queen bed up three flights of stairs at my apartment, moved treadmills and massive furniture pieces countless times. I actually see it as a challenge to take on and I’ve never gotten hurt doing it and feel pretty powerful and accomplished afterwards. ( albeit kind of stupid for not looking for help? Maybe a wee bit sometimes. )
Auger level plumbing issues, hanging large heavy wall items, hung four carpenter bee traps from eaves at my beach house yesterday ( with hand held screwdriver, not the easiest maneuver on a wobbly high ladder, because who knows what FW did with the bits to the actual electric one sitting idly in the garage)
Took down and put up a ceiling fan at my daughter’s. ( my kids have learned more from me, doing household repairs and assorted things in the last 5 years than they ever had from their father, who was ridiculously talented and handy, but never showed anyone how to do anything at all, he had to be the only bright shining star in the house.)
My kids and I have a shared mantra, “ We can do anything!!” We laugh at ourselves when we say it, but damned if it isn’t pretty true, we’ve accomplished a lot as ‘team healthy’ in our family!
Changed the starter on a UTV, when the battery replacement didn’t cut it. ( YouTube can get you through anything!)
If FW was still around he would be very critical of most anything I did and I just left it all to the ‘great one’ to get it done mostly, partly believing he was right, maybe I couldn’t do it.
We had a broken toilet tank that ran water forever back in crazy kids early HS days. FW wouldn’t let me call a plumber( guts needed replacement) because he was going to fix it and I couldn’t and it would be bad to deal with his wrath if I tried too. That went on for sooo long, years, I actually wrote a poem about it “Toilet Bowls”, which I will have to look around for sometime.
The gist of the poem was how beautiful a person would be if their toilet bowl never needed repair, their kids were never sick or needy and their lives you barely needed to touch. ( I knew of his mistresses at this point) I showed him that poem, his only comment was that I was a good writer, lol!
Yeah, I’d way rather stumble through repairs and projects with me and my pup by my side, than have an incessantly complaining and yelling turd ball to deal with, no thank you. I pass.
I now fully believe, I’ve got it! We can do anything CN !!!😊💪🏼
Great weekend all! I’m getting pine needles out of the gutters today, boo-yah!
Only 36 comments in, but I’m noticing a trend. A lot of chumps were doing everything by themselves even when they were married. Funny that!
This had the interesting effect of freeing up the cheater for other…ahem…activities. Those motel reservations didn’t make themselves. And all the sneaking around? I still marvel that my ex managed it all and didn’t ask me for help. Lol. He DID ask me to help him pick out a gift for “his mother” while we were in Ireland. Guess he liked my taste, so there was that. In so many ways, I was used.
Spinach@35 , reminds me of what my mom said sometime after she left my dad. She said she figured out she was doing all the housework, cooking, and laundry while working full time to support them on her salary while he “built up his business.” And scheduling mowing and home repairs IF he’d allow them. I’m not sure if he was still taking care of their cars or not.
And as she said, “And he wasn’t even nice to me.” I saw that behavior myself. At the time, I thought it was because of his alcoholism, and maybe so, but quite possibly it was devaluing behavior.
I wonder how much time he actually spent on his business? I know he was sleeping with his office manager, and who knows who else. Whatever.
Rage plumbing…. Yes I sort of did this although I was sobbing as I did it. But I did it!
I was so scared that the house would fall apart. I hadn’t done anything myself and if I did try I was made to feel useless. However, within a month of separation and with much help from YouTube videos, I’d decorated a bedroom, fixed a plumbing leak, rendered a wall, fixed my car, changed a bath panel, changed the shower, oh and mowed the lawn which I expected to be the worse thing ever as it was always moaning about this chore 😁. And what I found was…. I’m actually quite good at it 👍🏼
To any newbies who are standing at the abyss of leaving/being left… I was there 3 years ago. I didn’t think I could survive but I did and am now living my best life. You can do it too. ❤️
My cheating ex-husband saw everything as a competition he had to win. He was the better parent, the better cook, the neater, cleaner housekeeper, the slimmer, fitter person with better eating habits… you name it, in his world view, I was a distant second to his awesomeness in all things. Except home improvement. He did let me have that. Even bought me power tools for birthdays and Christmas.
Fast-forward to my relationship with the Lying Cheating Loser (which began about 5 years post-divorce). He RAVED about my cooking. So I did all of it. In all the things, he praised me and showed gratitude. So I did all the things. I paid the bills. I grocery shopped and cooked. I planned vacations. I arranged activities for/with his two teens during his parenting time.
What it was for him: weaponized incompetence. All he had to do was act incompetent (and verbally praise and thank me) and then he could sit on his ass and play video games.
What it was for me: a rebuilding of my confidence and faith in my own competence.
Also, to be honest: control issues. In my marriage, I’d had the luxury of pretending I had no control issues, because mine were eclipsed by my ex-husband’s. With the LCL, my control issues were allowed to run rampant because he was fine with me running the show, leaving him to his video games and his fuck shit.
I overcorrected. But maybe I had to.
I dumped the LCL over 5 years ago now. Since then, I’ve bought an old house, outright, at auction, and set about fixing it up. I have refinished some of the original hardwood floors. I have turned antique dressers and sideboards into bathroom vanities. I have painted almost my entire exterior, including the brick, by hand – no sprayer. I have laid a flagstone patio and built a raised deck.
Most recently, I converted a decrepit old attached former boiler room turned storage shed into an awesome catio for my furbabies Gus and Scout. 50 times a day (and night), I hear the flappity-flap of the cat door as they go in and out, and it sounds like my walls sing.
I’m 100% happy to be single from here on out. I left two cheaters and gained a life I still can hardly believe I get to live.
Started with pressure washing the deck and then painting it. Moved on to pressure washing the fish pond. Painted the railings of the deck. Took down a large hornet’s nest (yuck!). Changed the flapper on the toilet and adjusted the handle to flush better. Cleaned clogs in the sink and shower. Fixed the garbage disposal. Sealed a leak in the basement. Cleaned out the condensation pipe of the AC. Try to do as much as I can. The few things I can’t or don’t want to do, I hire out. The peace is so worth it than listen to him b**ch and gripe about everything he had to do.
I readily admit I moved into an apartment complex so I would not have to worry about home maintenance. I love that can place a maintenance call and have certain light bulbs replaced. No lawn mowing. A pipe breaks, I call the emergency line. These issues were an incredible source of stress for 23 years with FW.
That said, I left with almost nothing besides my nightstand, dresser, pictures, and mementos. I had to get new lamps, a coffee table, a TV stand. I ordered or bought these items and had to put them together myself. I am proud to say I was able to accomplish constructing these items and probably better than FW ever could (since he usually refused to read instructions).
Next on my list of upgrades is replacing the shower heads 🙂
After spending almost 20 years in a remote community living in a 30 year old pre-fab double-wide with XAss, where nothing was new, nothing was ever fixed with the correct part, and was cobbled together with wire, duct tape, screws and glue, renting an apartment with a landlord that actually responds when needed and fixes things in a timely manner, and correctly, and with an eye towards ethics(!!) is something that is awesome to experience.
That said I would give my eye teeth to be able to have a tiny place of my own that I would have total decision making ability to decorate and manage.
Oh, and one of the first things I bought when I left XAss was a DeWalt battery operated drill and screw set. I love that drill so much.
I love my DeWalt drill!
I was married to a supervisor. He didn’t do sh*t, but he could watch and comment and criticize. I was one of those kids who could assemble the xmas toys, fix things, use tools and also sew clothes and paint. In his meanest times, he would say my masculinity was not an attractive part of me. Until he wanted somethng fixed.
I’m so happy for this post. FW is moving out as I type & I’m so lost. I went straight from home to living with him 20 years and I don’t know how to do repairs/mower/cars or things along those lines. I’ll be reading through these post today.
Needsapush2022 , I’ve never been married or lived with a man. Trust me, it’s easier than you think. Look things up on the Internet, and if that doesn’t help, go to the hardware or home improvement store and ask them.
Re car repairs, make them explain it to you in detail. If possible, get them to put the car up on a lift, or open the hood, and explain it to you. (Again, the Internet can be a good resource for this.) And make sure to get the oil changed regularly and the tires rotated. And if the car is under warranty, follow the maintenance schedule. Under federal law in the US, you don’t have to go to a dealer for maintenance. There are plenty of other garages that are cheaper.
Needsapush2022, I hope today you feel a sense of open possibility without the ex’s stuff there. You can do this, both the starting over and the home management stuff. (And/or you can ask for help or hire some stuff to be done.) One day at a time! And I hope nothing breaks for you for a good, long while!
You’re going to be mightier than you imagined. I wish you a feeling of empowerment every time you learn how to do something new.
You got this.
i took care of most home maintenance (by myself or hiring a specialist), so there’s not a lot of change. i mow my own lawn and fixed the weed whacker with the help of youtube. thank god for youtube! my kids live with me still, and we have a team approach to things that need doing/fixing. it’s calm.
after moving, i sorted through the filing cabinet and it told me everything i needed to know about my X: no organizing principles; dodgy labelling; no labelling; not keeping up on the filing. and then there were all the financial secrets revealed in the receipts. i finally understood the financial abuse by looking at those receipts. my X lied about everything.
i now keep a tidy and transparent filing cabinet. my kids know the entirety of my financial existence and how to use the filing cabinet in case of an emergency.
i do hire folks for the electrical matters–that stuff makes me nervous!
The only domestic tasks XW did were clothes (buying and cleaning) and presents (buying and wrapping). I never thought I couldn’t do those things, but since I was doing everything else I didn’t particularly try to take them on as well. I barely noticed the increased workload when XW left. Once she set up her own household and started taking care of the kids every other week, I actually had much more free time than I’d had in years.
What’s caused more stress than the couple of additional tasks is having to coordinate with XW about the things that I have always done but that must now be documented and formally consulted about. For instance: before divorce XW never could be bothered to go to parent/teacher conferences so I just picked a time that worked for me; now she makes a big deal out of her right to go as well, so I need to work around her very busy professional schedule to find a mutually agreeable time.
When I say I did everything else, I mean it. Cooking, cleaning, all shopping (except clothes), all childcare (transport, baths, bedtime, arranging playdates, disciplining) for three kids, all yard work, all household maintenance and decorating, all car maintenance, everything financial (paying bills, dealing with insurance, planning for retirement), everything related to schools and doctors. Just a small example: XW moved ahead of me and the kids to start her new job. When we finally arrived, one of my many tasks was to find XW a gynecologist because I knew that if I didn’t do it, it would never happen. For context, XW had been in town for 9 months and had plenty of female colleagues and friends, but I (the middle-aged balding man) had to knock on new neighbors’ doors and ask them for gynecology recommendations. It didn’t even occur to me at the time how bizarre it was (and all my neighbors, who are wonderful, were very nice about it). If it matters, I should emphasize that I am not a SAHD and have always had a full-time job (and in fact was starting a new job with a fairly steep learning curve while all this was going on).
Unfortunately, the aftermath of this skewed dynamic is that XW is still – many years on – angry with me because her divorced life is harder than her married life was. I used to do a lot for her. Now I don’t. Therefore it’s my fault. To be fair, she planned (and did) swap me out for AP so she never expected she be responsible for these things. She didn’t foresee that AP’s wife and kids (who live 1000 miles away and have inconveniently refused to move) would prevent him from spending all his time at her household.
Everything he did was half-assed. Since he’s been gone, I’ve dug up the bayberry in the front yard, built raised vegetable beds in the back yard, replaced a ceiling fan, cleaned out the dishwasher filter, fixed the pump on my washing machine, replaced a toilet, fixed leaky toilets, and I’m in the process of removing the vinyl tiles he slapped down in the kitchen. I’ve also painted some rooms in the house. Additionally, I am now mowing the lawn at an acceptable height rather than down to the grass roots.
I don’t know why I ever expected him to do anything.
Nothing. He traveled all the time for work, so I did everything. Except saving for retirement, but I just took half of his savings and hired a financial advisor to deal with it.
On the other hand, I had scheduled the kids’ dental appointments on a day he later claimed as his for custody. He didn’t know where the dentist was. Our oldest just turned 11. 🤦♀️
I did all the yard work, you know because he was just so dang busy with all his meeting and such. So that was easy.
He did do the taxes, so the first year I was alone, I did it. I didn’t have much so it was pretty easy.
I bought myself a dolly with wheels so that I could move heavy things around on my own. With that one purchase, FW was not missed at all.
I learned early in our marriage that if I wanted something done (and done correctly) I’d have to do it myself. I rarely asked for help because I knew he either didn’t know how and had no desire to learn, or now I would “owe him”. Thank the heavens for YouTube and eHow. They have made troubleshooting life so much easier.
What you say brings back the day early in our living together, before we married, when we were running wires from the stereo to speakers in the back of the house and I wanted to redo a section to make the wire straight and flush with the baseboard so it didn’t show. My ex said, “Good enough for who it’s for.” I was raised with the mantra “if it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing right.” Yet another red flag I failed to heed.
So very, very true. And it seemed damned if you do, damned if you don’t. If I did it, then there was passive-aggressive disapproval. If he did it then then there was condescension and a need for praise, and always a sense of owing him for the ‘favor’ of doing this ‘amazing’ thing.
Wow, we all have similar stories…I came from a DIY family and he did not. So from day one in our marriage I found it easier to just do ALL OF IT myself. He was horrible at all of it and if I just had to redo it then what was the point? I paint, wire, lay tile and do basic basic plumbing. I used to kid about becoming a general contractor! Oh, did I mention some of that painting was exterior multistory homes on ladders or scaffold? Ya. And I’m just a girl…
my Rex is an interior design and can build or fix or design anything. he designed a beautiful kitchen, fireplace, sunroom etc but he never quite finished projects at home. after he left i bought a new bed and assembled it myself, refinished all of my br furniture, painted the entire house, learned how to cut and install corner moulding, take care of the lawn and bought and run my own boat. not as mighty as plumbing but dang i’m crushing it at 63!!