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Busted Sexting Other Guys

maintain your dignityWassup Chump Lady,

Recently I found out my girlfriend cheated and I don’t know how to feel about it. Part of me wants to take her back and forgive, but the other part wants to avoid her.

I caught her sending nudes to another guy she play the game with. We dated for two years and recently fell on hard times due to shifts in our jobs, so we got depressed, but I tried to cheer her up towards the beginning, but she said she felt like I was pressuring her, so I gave her space like she asked.

But I started noticing she got a little too close to her friends. They would call late at night and talk about personal issues. When she play with them, she be laughing loud and enjoying herself and the min I come in to be around her everthing get silent, like I’m not welcomed. So eventually I started noticing her moving differently. Like in the beginning of our relationship she was so open with her phone, then lately she been guarding it like hard and would snap on me if I even thought of touching it. So that made me suspicious of her.

I went through her phone and seen she was texting another guy nudes saying she loved him and stuff, but when I confronted her she said it didn’t mean nothing, she don’t know him, that why she sent them to him cause it was no relation. But I don’t know if it’s true. She also said that I made her feel like I didn’t want to be with her anymore.

I feel lost on this.


The Groovy Lord


Dear Groovy Lord,

Why would a cool deity trifle with a cheater?

I don’t know how to feel about it

I imagine you do. I bet you have some pretty strong feelings. It’s totally normal to feel absolutely gutted by this discovery. You invested two years of your life. You considered her your girlfriend. She betrayed you.

Based on my own lived experience, and a gazillion stories on this blog, I think your confusion comes from:

a) Her mindfuckery. People who’ve been manipulating you generally don’t lead with unvarnished honesty after they’ve been busted. Instead you get more gaslighting (“didn’t mean nothing”), blameshifting (you somehow caused her shitty behavior), and more devaluing (she acts like she’s a prize you need to fight for and a not a fuckwit you should run away from). We call further contact “sticking your head in the mindfuck blender.” Please don’t.

b) Your hopium that maybe this isn’t as bad as it looks. (It’s as bad as it looks.) Your feelings of outrage and betrayal are probably also suffused with grief and with grief comes bargaining. I see a glimmer of hope! Maybe I didn’t waste two years on a worthless person! Maybe she’s sorry! Maybe I can live with this! Maybe I’ll sext someone and see if she cares! Groovy Lord: know your worth, know your deal breakers. Do you want a girlfriend who sends naked selfies to randos? No? Then tell your false hope to shut up.

c) Cultural messages that you shouldn’t care. Maybe you watched an Esther Perel video. Maybe you think you should be above this. That it’s cooler to be transactional, or not love with your whole heart. Stop and take stock of yourself. Are you a person who honors their commitments? That’s a great quality. You deserve the same in a partner. Are you someone who bonds and loves with his whole heart? That’s another beautiful quality. You deserve someone who can love you back as hard as you love them. Are you shallow? (Transactional) Or are you deep? (A Groovy Lord).

I vote groovy lord. Agree? Then don’t hang with hobgoblins. Find a groovy goddess.

recently fell on hard times due to shifts in our jobs, so we got depressed, but I tried to cheer her up towards the beginning, but she said she felt like I was pressuring her, so I gave her space like she asked.

Notice how when you both fell on hard times, you leaned in — tried to cheer her up, and give her what she said she wanted.

What did she do? She cheated.

Pay attention to character.

she be laughing loud and enjoying herself and the min I come in to be around her everthing get silent, like I’m not welcomed.

Ouch. I’m sorry. Now weigh this against your confusion. Do you WANT to be in a relationship where you feel unwelcome? Oh sure, it wasn’t always like that. But now that you know the truth of it — she was putting distance there so she could sext other guys — do you want to be Option Z?

she was texting another guy nudes saying she loved him and stuff, but when I confronted her she said it didn’t mean nothing,

That’s probably the truth. Her love doesn’t mean anything. To him or to you. Because she’s a fake person fronting a fake life. The truth is in her actions — she likes the attention she gets from men.

And this is where it gets pathetic — sending naked selfies of yourself to randos is about the lowest form of validation there is. It’s like flinging Hamburger Helper to Labrador retrievers. Will they gobble it up? Of course. Does that make you a great chef? No.

Is this someone you should invest your grooviness in?


Better days ahead, Groovy Lord. Remember you’re a stock that trades high. Don’t give your gifts to the undeserving. ((Hugs)).

Ask Chump Lady

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  • Groovy Lord – It’s hard to accept that the person you want to be with exclusively doesn’t feel the same. When she told you she needed more space and then she pursued/enjoyed contact with others, that was what she would rather do.

    You’ve learned more about your boundaries which suggests you are maturing. Go no contact with her so that you can heal and move on.

    • Yes, when she said she needed “more space” she was inferring that you being close to her was a problem and asking you to trust that she would use the space in a helpful way but she used it to betray you.

      My first husband cheated on me and I cannot imagine inflicting that sort of pain on the man Im married to now. There are good women out there who would value a faithful man like you.

  • When people show you who they are (or you find out what they’re hiding), believe it. It’s not complicated.

  • Groovy Lord,

    You’ve caught this early and your GF is clearly not partner material. You have nothing to lose (and everything to gain) by walking now and going no contact. Every second that you invest in this person in the future is likely to be wasted because – judging by her behaviour towards you – she just does not care that her actions negatively impact you.

    Seriously, things with her won’t get better in the future; she’ll just get better at hiding what she’s doing and more adept at BSing you when she gets found out.


  • “And this is where it gets pathetic — sending naked selfies of yourself to randos is about the lowest form of validation there is. It’s like flinging Hamburger Helper to Labrador retrievers. Will they gobble it up? Of course. Does that make you a great chef? No.”

    This is freaking brilliant. Her value is so low that she is literally begging anonymous randos for attention and validation. And she can’t even do it with conversation…..nudes are required. Extremely poor partner material.

    Cut this trashy attention whore loose. She has nothing of value to offer you.

    • Absolutely. Sending pictures of your naked self is like advertising your wares at the lowest possible level. She should be sticking them on telephone poles on the street for even more validation. A woman who respects herself does not do this kind of thing. She doesn’t respect herself and she doesn’t respect him. Not GF material, definitely not wife material. To me it looks like she’s shopping for a new man for additional resources right now….when the going gets tough, this one will always run for someone else.

  • I know I am showing my age, and likely more than that, but I am ok with it.

    My concern for young women is why the hell are you putting nudes of your self out there? Despite all the warnings, all the abuse etc they keep doing it.

    I am not asking about men because lets face it most men don’t care if their junk is seen by anyone. It just doesn’t affect men the same way it does women.

    • I’m also a senior chump and believe that the objectification of women’s bodies is more prevalent than ever. I was at my local mall which had a large (franchise) spa. When I stepped in to ask directions to a fitness center, I saw half a dozen young women spending hundreds of dollars for hair, nails, tanning and make up. This was in a middle-upper class community. I kept thinking, “Don’t you need that money for bills? For tuition?”

      Sending nude pictures is encouraged by the technology and societal norms. Similar to the crassness of social media comments and political discourse. Kibbles for FWs.

    • I agree. I’m not a fan of the religios fanatic women should know our place mentality, but I do think women should value their bodies enough to not be putting naked pictures out there. I’ve been accused of “slut shaming” for this, but it’s not a moral judgement….I just don’t think its good for wonen.

      It’s a sign of low self esteem…..look at MEEEEEEEE!!!!!

      I don’t understand why anyone feels the need. I’ve never even sent nudes to my real life partners….take a mental picture and like it.

    • I agree. I’m also a senior chump and I just don’t get the naked pics. Of either sex actually but I do think it’s worse for women because of the history of objectification, which actually seems to have gotten worse in the past few decades with young women actively participating in their own degradation under the illusion of “empowerment”. And those pics frequently pop up later on when they DON’T want them to – the Internet is forever. As for men….sorry guys but the unit is not the most attractive part of most people’s bodies, I just don’t get dick picks. I’d rather look at your face.

    • They genuinely think they have to hand out naked photos of themselves if they want to date. Because it’s so “normal” now. I work with younger women and it horrifies me.

  • Groovy, think about this. She was willing to hurt you over meaningless internet sex romps with a bunch of neckbeards sitting at home playing games. She rejected you in favor of that. The fact that it didn’t mean anything makes it worse, not better. Nobody means anything to her. This is a creature whose personality is composed of 90% pure ego. There isn’t room for love and meaning, because that involves surrendering the need for validation for a higher purpose. She can’t do that. She’s as shallow as it gets, Groovy. Dump her and leave her to the neckbeards. Let the loser sit on her lazy ass and play fantasy games with cretins while you go off and gain a life. You won’t regret it.

  • Groovy, unbeknownst to me at the time, I was married for 36 years to man who sexted and Webcam-ed randos on an almost daily basis when he was not meeting up with them in person.
    Had I discovered this at year 2 as opposed to year 36, I probably would have been as conflicted as you are now. But take it from someone who knows. It. Never. Gets. Better.
    This is a flawed person with no character or remorse and it is my sincere hope you cut and run as quickly as possible. Save yourself now before you invest any more of your precious life into someone so not worthy of you. You’re got this! (And the support of the Chump Nation!)

    • I second this Groovy! You’re still young and have the added advantage of CL and Cn, plus loads of other information on the net about these kinds of disordered people that the likes of myself and other older chumps didn’t have. We ended up giving years, and in some cases, decades, of our lives over to FWs who never treasured us like they should have, then sucked the life out of us because we’d no idea of who nor what they are when they first got their hooks into us. Now we’re having to heal and work out rebuilding lives for ourselves in our 50s, 60s and even 70s!
      Dump her like the gone-off meat she is and heal, learn as much as you can about personality/character and you will meet a decent woman and have a stable, loving, FAITHFUL relationship. You have youth on your side!
      Get rid of the slapper and make the most of your precious life!

  • I discovered that my wife of 18 years was sending nudes of herself to other guys (at the Xmas dinner tables of her parents, as it happened). I also realised that these were photographs that my wife had gotten me to take of her.

    No fool like an old fool.

    • Ugh! She’d no self-respect at all!
      Don’t these daft cows realise that those sorts of pictures only attract the worst sort of men, those who see women as mere things with bits to grope and holes to poke, rather than as human beings? As persons?
      Ah well, she’ll end up with a sexist pig, or even a bone-deep woman-hater and but it’ll be her own fault!

    • Hey Back; its eerie, 18 years, family Christmas, pics she convinced me to take….same for me. I am starting to wonder if they have a procedures manual we chumps don’t get to see (except here!)

      • They most certainly do. They all behave in exactly the same way. They even use the same phraseology. Beware: aliens are among us.

  • “…sending naked selfies to randos is about the lowest form of validation there is. It’s like flinging Hamburger Helper to Labrador retrievers. Will they gobble it up? Of course. Does that make you a great chef? No.” My new all time favorite :’D

  • Whilst it is painful and confusing now, count yourself lucky. You can walk away after 2 years without having invested into the relationship for longer, got married, had children and then find out after 20 years … walk now and remember that there is a much better live on the other side …

  • So times have been hard for you both & you became a better partner & she didn’t? She’s now looking to escape her situation looking for a sugar daddy? Yeah, all signs are pointing that she’s not the love of your life after all. This hurts like a bitch. All of us have been there, helping our partners through something while they’re sneaking out the back boinking someone else to improve their situation. You know what you gotta do. You just gotta do it. Pull the plug. If you don’t, you’re gonna waste time not finding & being with some fine lady who won’t be sending out pix of her bits. Or you just might find you’re cool & groovy on your own for a while too. ✌️

  • When someone shows you who they are, believe them the very first time you see it. It’s not some sort of fluke or a brain tumor, or FOO issues. It’s their true selves coming through.
    She is showing you just how selfish and uncaring she really is and how hurting you does not hurt her at all. That’s a flaming red flag and a very blatant signal for you to bail. She is so not relationship material, she is superficial and will be unable to deeply bond with another, she’s not capable of that.
    She’s willing to degrade herself to men she doesn’t even know for cheap stale kibbles of attention to fill up her wobbly ass ego.
    That is not the quality you are looking for in a partner on any measure.
    I’m sorry she hurt you so much. It’s who she truly is though and that is just not a fixable situation.
    It will always be all about her journey, she doesn’t love herself and will not be able to love anyone else either, no matter who she hooks up with along her path.
    I’m happy for you that you get free of that fake ness, disrespect and deceit in two years time, instead of countless decades. We all realize how much you hurt, it’s depressing they don’t care how much they are hurting you, but it’s actually true.
    She. Won’t. Change.
    And she honestly doesn’t want to either. You deserve so much more than that kind of heartache from your intimate partner, Groovy Lord. She has nothing to give, other than pain to you and it will get a whole lot worse too, as she perfects her deceitful ness.
    There are women out there that would value highly what you have to offer, and would love you back and count their blessings for having you in their world.
    Not this one, let her go. She’s on a path of destruction for her life, say no thanks to that.

  • She revealed who she is as a person, she is unsafe. We move on from unsafe people who decide that sending nudes to someone on a video game chat is a great choice to make. What are you losing? A depressed and secretive scrunt who does not value you or your relationship, one that does not know what love and commitment are. You, you my friend are gaining a life of your own choosing.

  • Groovy Lord…. I love your name! Leave this abusive pos and you’ll celebrate your mightiness in a few months to a year… you’ll be so relieved you’re free of her abuse. It feels bad now but that will fade fast once you go no contact. Block her on all your SM,s and phone, move if you must and don’t tell her how to find you…. Thank your lucky stars she didn’t trap you with your innocent child, who would be sure to be a pawn in her abuse.

  • Not married. Shes acting weird, sounds kinda bitchy. You are a heterosexual male, nice guy, with a job? You are a unicorn. Why would you pick her? Get a nice woman who will treat you like a king. Sounds like you live together. Kick her out or you move out. Two years the excitement has worn off, limerence gone. She is damaged, not able to love or bond to you. But she wants the money and security you provide. She is seeking the limerence high. That is more important to her than you. Cut your losses move on!

  • Groovy Lord, it’s probably worse than you think. It always is. Look, I was married for 25 years to a man who eventually acted the same way. I wasn’t welcome in the relationship. In the end I was basically the maid/childcare worker. He kept me around because I was useful. Don’t be me. You are way too groovy to hang around this chick just because she thinks you’re useful.

    Your first step is to stop using the word “we.” You and your soon-to-be-former girlfriend are not a “we.” She’s a cheater and you’re a good guy. You don’t have enough in common to be a “we” with her. Anybody who is sending nudes to randos thinks she is an “I” not a “we.”

    Next you need to end this relationship. Also, be careful how you do it. Sometimes female cheaters accuse groovy guys of hurting them.

  • Groooovy Lord! May you find a beautiful woman who shows genuine love for you through her kind, honest and faithful good character. You deserve it!

  • Groovy Lord, sorry you are going through this but CL is right…..this is a revelation of character and that’s what happens in hard times. If you stay with this woman, more hard times at some point are inevitable….ups and downs are part of everyone’s life. You want someone who’s got your back, not someone who’s sticking a knife in it. This shows you how she will be have under stress. Stress is inevitable in life. If you take her back now, it shows that you have weak or no boundaries and no consequences for behavior….she’ll only do it again. As CL says….YOU didn’t act like this and you were stressed too….your response was to pump her up…..her response was to get selfish kibbles and sneak around with some guy behind your back. Please end this, this was a preview of life to come if you stay with this woman. You’re only 2 years in….take this warning, end it, and look for a better woman who will be there for you no matter what.

  • My 33-year-old son had a comment the other night about girls who set up Only Fans pages, and then get mad when guys send them dick-pics and lewd comments. They claim they are expressing their sexual freedom by posting their pics, but the men who send them pics or lewd comments are all perverts. I say, when you put bait in a rat trap, don’t complain when you catch a rat!

    Anyway, son said these girls claim to want a husband, or boyfriend, some have children, and they complain about the quality and/or quantity of their relationships. Evidently this is on their main fakebook page, because my son is not a subscriber. He said, “How can they expect a good man to want to marry them, or have children with them, when they are basically selling sex online? What are they going to do when their children become teens, and those pictures are “out there”?” He also says he never offers an opinion about what they are doing online, because the girls don’t want to hear anything negative about what they are doing. The girls claim it is an easy way to make money to provide for themselves and their children. They are doing it because they don’t make “enough” money, and it’s not prostitution.

    I am from an older generation, and I cannot understand why these girls don’t see they are sabotaging their future. But aside from being appalled, I know you cannot change the past. If someone is willing to devalue herself/himself, then someone else will gladly enjoy the discounted price. I also know the difference between wants and needs, and I don’t think there is ever “enough” money for folks who know the price of everything but the value of nothing.

    I’ve always had reservations about the word “groovy”, but I don’t believe its sophisticated or cool to put up with this behavior from a partner. I think “Groovy” Lord should put plenty of space between himself and this woman, go no contact, and look for better girlfriend material. Maybe consider someone with more self-respect. Maybe he should respect himself and set his standards higher. If he forgives this, what will she do next? Then what?

    • Amazing comment, Portia, thanks so much for posting this! I think part of what has happened is that for decades now promiscuous sex has been encouraged and promoted. Part of the result of that is the increased cheating we all regrettably have seen (and the ease of it with the technology) but another aspect is that young women seem to think that their main assets ARE sexual and that instead of the other things women used to do in prior generations to get a mate (square dancing anyone, lol?) now they just display their wares or they act in an over-sexualized manner and their point is they get kibbles from displaying themselves so it’s partly narcissistic, but it’s also partly that they don’t know how to court any more and courtship has become about SEX. Not romance and getting to know each other gradually….it’s as though all you need to know is how someone looks or behaves sexually, and a lot of that may depend eventually on how well you get along personally. Just hooking up body parts is not a good indicator of how you will do in an actual relationship. So the women are using their sexuality, as they have been taught since the 60s, to get a husband or accept a less permanent kind of mate as a baby daddy, but they get offended when the men react sexually as of course, they are GOING to do to sexual stimuli. Women need to DOWNPLAY the entire sexual aspect just as their ancestors did so they can get to know men on a more non-sexualized basis. Sexual attraction is always part of any relationship but it should be the spice, not the entire meal as it’s become. And women cannot be offended that men react sexually to sexual stimuli….that’s nature. We have been conditioned deliberately in a way to create a real war and misunderstanding between the sexes and it’s harmed the courting process and marriage and family themselves. Sex needs to go BACK IN THE BEDROOM and out of classrooms, out of pic sending, out of gyms, etc….people need to become more modest in general, especially women because when you keep sending sexual messages to men….you’re going to get sexual messages back and the young women find that offensive as that’s not going to convert into husband material for most of them.

    • Another idea that occurs to me, Portia (and I hope people don’t mind me taking up bandwidth because I think it is an important issue) is that because of the over-sexualization of young women and the idea that you have to use SEX to be “empowered” is that many young women actually don’t feel they can say NO to young men because it removes the one power they think they have (which is a terrible thing to think but that’s what the society has been emphasizing) and that men won’t want them as potential mates or think they are….gasp…prudes! So they are put in the bind of always having to take a relationship in a sexual direction or maybe having sex when they are not sure or don’t want to, because if they don’t….they’re not going to be considered or they’re “prudes”. I think this leads to a lot of feelings of being used and resentful in young women, and a lot of confusion in young men, who have also been taught to value promiscuity (as long as a woman is personally faithful to THEM) and respond to sexual stimuli. The promiscuity of the past 50-60 years really desperately needs to be dialed WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY back if we are to have healthy relationships between the sexes and healthy marriages and families. Women have to be regarded for things beyond beauty and sexual appeal and behavior. Every time I see these nearly naked women in online news stories, PR releases, etc…..I think…..PLEASE put your clothes back on and have some dignity and emphasize other aspects of your being….if you can.

      • Exactly. Respect yourself. You do not have to conform to mob mentality. You do not have to do what the “hot, popular” crowd does. What does a healthy relationship look like? Are you “empowered” when you do what others want you to do with no respect for you or your wishes?

        I remember an old expression, “there are plenty of fish in the sea.” What type of fish are you looking for? One that will fill in as “catch of the day” for a few tawdry moments? Or the “catch of a lifetime” who sees the same big picture you do and is looking to take care of your needs for a lifetime, together? What type of fishing gear are you using? A good fishing trip involves planning, awareness of the elements, and patience. Sometimes you throw back fishes that don’t meet your standards. Every fish in the sea is not necessarily the fish for you. Have standards.

  • Let me review this. You care, you listen, you give space, you see depression and understand. Are you also giving her back rubs while she texts other men?. You are a trophy🏆🏆winning Chump.Welcome to my world. I made my husband smoothies with vitamins and minerals while he was doing strangers. I gave back rubs when he was achy all lots more. Lots more. I was of use just like you are. Do you mind being used as a side dish? I finally had enough and filed with evidence enough. You have over-the-top enough. Why are you dumpster diving and wasting your life forces on the bottom rung of the trash heap. She can go lower, you go up and get out. Get therapy for you to see why you got this far down in the dumpster. I’m going there now. Save your precious self.

    • I gave her massages, head scratches, and back rubs and no i don’t mind it thats why im gathering the courage to leave that alone and move on with my life at 22 I use to feel like my life is what it is but now i feel i can shape teh world around me appreciate yah and im sorry your experiencing that as well know it gonna get better for you too keep yah head up

  • I appreciate everyone in my counsel this is why my kingdom will thrive I heard all your advice and on top of my discernment I left the situation when it happened, moved in with my parents again( it just sucks as a 22 yr old I feel like I failed as a man) but the first week she would come over and I would give her the time of day cause in my head I wasn’t seeing her for what she was even after she showed me and after my parents told me to leave her alone I couldn’t believe it she still seemed so sweet she was taking accountability over the situation and showing great remorse over it saying how it didn’t mean nun and that she still loved me and only me she just wanted validation cause she didn’t feel like i loved her or wanted to be with her and she’ll do whatever to fix this. It made me feel like it was somehow my fault deep in my subconscious like what if i did better with my job this wouldn’t of happened, what if i was more out going and did more out the house, what if i had finished school and had my life together, or what if i opened up more emotionally to her so she wouldn’t of felt this way so i told her i wouldn’t like to talk for min while i figure this out and process my emotions and the more and more i think about the situation the more and more it became clearer of who she truly was see what makes this worse is two things 1) she knew about my past on how i was cheated on and how it affected me before we even got together we were talking about it 2) She told me about how she feared that i would leave for another woman on the game and it was a big issue for a while since she was cheated on that way. This revelation opened my eyes to how similar she was to my ex she just like this but was harsher i knew it was no saving that relationship and left it thats why i was so confused about this situation i was thinking what if this was a one off that made her realized that she really loved me but the more i thought it was making me madder how hard i fought for her, how much i sacrificed for us, how much i LOVED that woman which she claims i didn’t show enough of then to come found out her family was mad at me for leaving her cause at the time we were trying to figure out how we paying rent i dedicated my life to fix this situation and even elavate us to higher place by going back to school and she did this to me so i just abandon ship i felt bad so i told her i still pay my half for this week but she declined and told them that i said to figure it out (which i did but i came back later and offered to pay) she didnt tell them nothing good about me and i hate it i was close to her sister’s boyfriend we played games together, watched anime, and even DND sometimes but now i got to cut him off just like her i hate it i wish things were different but i also realized that this was out of my control I also felt guilty because in a way i cheated on her she caught me watching P stars and it devastated her so i stopped i thought this was a similar situation to my mistake and i know how it changed me so i thought this was the same thing but im starting to realize that what we once had the kingdom we once shared is over now but now im better myself working out more, socializing more and most importantly enjoying life with me and mines i know all women arent like this so don’t worry chumps my goal is to still find a queen to my kingdom someone when the economy is looking low she steps up and do her part as well i feel i deserve a queen not a peasant so i can promise all of you i will never question myself in times like this again and trust myself to the fullest and i know we don’t know each other but i know yall got yall own shit going on so remember your kingdom might not be as grand nor lavish as my mine but it still deserves to be nutured and cared for and enhanced with a roundtables of those you trust to thrive we got this fellow chumps love yall

    • Groovy, the whole “you didn’t love her enough” bullshit is blameshifting. She’s trying to get you to take responsibility for her cheating. Do. Not. Do. It. I’m so glad you’re out of it. Please stay no contact with her. Keep that Kingdom healthy!

    • Here’s an IMPORTANT piece of advice: Stop Watching Porn!

      This is not a moral problem about seeing naked people, or a curiosity problem about sex. Porn will cause you unbelievable problems in your future, because it eats away in your brain and changes the way you look at all people. This is not just my opinion, there are studies on the harmful effects of watching porn. Study it, continue to read Chump Lady and Chump Nation will tell you all about it. We know from experience.

      Also, all women are not the same, but shouldn’t be divided into peasants and Queens. If you find the woman who fits in with your values and goals, treat her like a Queen. Act like a man who knows how to be her King. Then you two can have your own royal love and marriage. A man’s home is his castle if he values the home and all his family inside as if they were more precious than gold.

      You are just 22. Believe me, there is a lot more to learn about life, and you have plenty of time.

      • With the peasants and queen thing i just couldnt find a better anology for my joke:) but i agree im realizing i need to take time and energy into myself to develop myself into the man who can be her king i also realized ive been deprieving myself of love from myself so i want to discover myself better at 22 i thought i knew everything i need to know about myself but my world is smaller than i thought so i want to continue to grow and expand my universe around me and also with the porn thing i hear you i can pinky promise you i wont watch it again plus that not the type of person i want to be or the woman i want to attract to me again thanks

    • Groovy Lord–Yay! I’m so glad you have left your girlfriend. I know it’s not easy, but it’s great that you did this so soon, rather than submitting to more months and years of abuse.

      And yes, as a fellow chump I will try to “nurture and care for” my own kingdom–wise words!

  • “You didn’t pay enough attention to me”…”I thought you were growing distant”…”It seemed like you didn’t care anymore”, blah blah. Cheaters tend to gravitate to the phony “you made me feel bad so it’s really your fault” narrative. Groovy, you need to walk away from this person. She hasn’t much use for you and will only keep you around till she has landed another guy.

  • Hi Groovy Lord–If you’re like I was when I discovered my husband’s sneaking, you’ve been spending some time thinking “Is it really THAT bad–is this person treating me horribly enough that it’s clear I need to get away immediately?” Sadly, the answer is YES. I encourage you to keep reading this blog, as I have done for several months now. The reason is that the stories are all the same, and just seeing this chorus of voices will help to strengthen you in taking care of yourself and recognizing when you are being treated abusively. (Yes, cheating and even sexting are abuse.) Believe what Chump Lady says: “Her love doesn’t mean anything. To him or to you. Because she’s a fake person fronting a fake life. The truth is in her actions — she likes the attention she gets from men.” Take care.

  • ” It’s like flinging Hamburger Helper to Labrador retrievers. Will they gobble it up? Of course. Does that make you a great chef? No.” What a great line!

    When my ex and I were supposed to be “fixing” our relationship after she came home from her drug-bender I caught her sending a message to some guy on a community website called Nextdoor. When I walked up to talk to her she was pounding her finger on her iphone trying to exit out of the website. And, (because this makes sense – not), she got mad at me for seeing what she was doing.

    • same shit woke her up cause i wanted to address it before i went to work and she just took her phone and hid it and just looked dumbfounded when i ask what was this then got mad stay up king

    • Stephen,
      “Next Door”, Your local community, newsy, neighborhood doings, sometimes busybody website. These are all over now. Sort of a neighborhood fb. Didn’t know it was used in this way but then again my fw is on it a lot.

  • I really do appreciate all yall support i want to thank everyone personally for understanding and also opening up about there past wounds as well it means a lot

  • Groovy Lord.
    Am late to the thread here as I’m in a different time zone but I so hope you read all the comments over and over if you feel a bit wobbly in these early days.
    Congratulations for leaving this Cheating Ex. The second someone cheats, they are already an Ex!
    They made themselves an Ex when they thought of it, you’re now caught up on their thoughts so don’t let gaslighting and false blame shifting tell you otherwise.
    You now have “The Facts”. Stick with the facts. Stay away from the Cheater’s false narrative!
    Firstly, I hope you feel supported by all the chumps here who have so much wisdom. There is much survival in the comments here and at 22, it is probably feeling overwhelming to be betrayed when you believed so much in someone.
    Better days ahead as CL says. Stay strong…

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