There are Jesus cheaters and then there are Family-Values-Crytpo-Fascist-Elected-Official Jesus cheaters. The next level freaks. The sort of corrupt performative “Christians” whose gravitational pull of awfulness is so bad it collapses in on itself to create a hypocrisy supernova.
I’m talking about South Dakota Republican Governor Kristi Noem and her special side piece former Trump aide Corey Lewandowski. Last Friday the Daily Mail tabloid broke the story that those crazy kids (Noem married 30 years with three kids) and Lewandowski (married father of four) have been doing the horizontal bop since 2019. Neither denied it when asked to comment.
Who cares what goes on in their private lives? They’re politicians. What do you expect?
Well, I honestly wouldn’t care if they bump uglies, except the two of them care very much what goes on in YOUR private life.
Noem has continually defended her state’s abortion ban that makes no exceptions for rape and incest.
And according to the Human Rights Campaign: “Noem signed a law will cause healthcare providers to lose their medical license or other certifications if they administer what is age appropriate, medically necessary, life-saving care to transgender children – care that is supported by every credible medical organization representing over 1.3 million doctors in the United States.”
You see, Kristi Noem is very concerned about your genitals, CN. Where they are, what they’re doing, who they’re doing it with, and if they’re properly gender binary. What gives her the authority to enact such cruel legislation? JESUS.
Uh Tracy, that Jesus bears absolutely no relation to the Jesus I learned about in Sunday School or in those 70s rock operas.
I’m sorry your interpretation of Jesus Christ is not valid. Are you the governor of South Dakota with a direct line to God? No, then sit down and shut up.
During her 2018 run for governor Noem told South Dakota Public Broadcasting:
“My relationship with the Lord is my foundation in all things. As a result, the values I hold according to biblical principles impact my decisions: we are called to love, but we’re also instructed to stand for truth. I’m hopeful my leadership reflects that.”
It must be biblical principles that made her suck Corey Lewandoski’s face. And um, other appendages. Kristi was called to love.
Cheating is just her way of expressing the sanctity of marriage. Gays can’t have it because:
“she believes marriage is a special bond between a man and a woman.”
And Schmoopies, and randos, and whomever she may have catfished on ChristianMingle.com.
But Tracy what about her hunky Christo-fascist boyfriend Corey?
Well, it hasn’t been an easy few years for the pencil-headed prankster, Corey. He got kicked off the Trump team in 2021 when he (allegedly) grabbed the wrong pussy. Lesson learned.
But was it? Corey apparently has a history of questionable choices when it comes to his dick.
He has been embroiled in a number of other scandals throughout the years, including, according to the New York Post, accusations that he battered a Breitbart reporter, which were dropped; singer Joy Villa accused him of slapping her backside at a holiday party; he was accused of engaging in a relationship with Trump’s communications director Hope Hicks; and he was accused by the wife of a GOP donor of asking for her hotel room number and making “inappropriate comments about his genitals” to her.
Don’t get handsy with the GOP donors, Corey.
…. detailed allegations that Lewandowski had pursued a female donor, Trashelle Odom, during a Sunday evening charity event in Las Vegas. Odom accused Lewandowski of touching her repeatedly, including on her leg and buttocks, talking about his genitalia and sexual performance, and following her throughout the hotel.
Probably wasn’t a good idea to hit on the wife of a guy with deep pockets. The Odoms pressed charges. But alas Lewandowski winkled out of it.
The Odoms’ attorney said in the statement, “Mrs. Odom stated that over the course of the dinner, Mr. Lewandowski tried to hold her hand, and she pushed his hand away. He touched her leg, and she moved it away. He grabbed her napkin off her lap and tried to touch her leg again, and she pulled her dress over her leg, to move his hand away and cover her skin. He touched her back and she tried to get away. He described an area where he was sore from a workout, on the side of his butt, but he demonstrated this by touching her there—on the upper side of her rear end. Lewandowski tried to touch her approximately 10 times, and Mrs. Odom always rebuffed him.”
According to the statement, Odom left the room and Lewandowski followed her, telling her she has a “nice ass” and then “threw his drink” at her. She said it landed on her shoe and dress. The former Trump aide also “called her stupid,” Politico reports. Her attorney said Lewandowski told Trashelle he is “very powerful and can destroy anyone” and that he is close to Trump and can “get anyone elected or can take anyone out.” According to Politico, other attendees at the dinner said Lewandowski appeared to be intoxicated, and a photo reviewed by the news site showed Lewandowski above Odom’s right shoulder with his tongue sticking out.
What a charmer!
Well, when a woman named after garbage won’t have you, Corey, you need to set your sites lower.
Like Kristi Noem lower. Here she is talking about how much the Bible means to her during National Bible Week. This is apparently on the floor of Congress in 2017, when I guess the separation of church and state was broken that day. The point is FAMILY VALUES. And junior Bible quizzes.
She and her husband Bryan spend many warm hours together with the kids quizzing each other on Deuteronomy. When she’s not making out with Corey Lewandowski at political rallies and squiring him about the country for (cough) “work.” Apparently she’s got her boyfriend on her payroll.
The Daily Mail claimed it has a long list of receipts including “stays at luxury resorts where their intimacy was observed and noted.” They allegedly took private planes on donors’ dimes, and would disappear frequently. Rumors of their alleged affair surfaced briefly in 2021, via far-right conservative website American Greatness, but Noem issued a strong rebuke of the story. She said it was “total garbage and a disgusting lie,” and she was “proud of the God-fearing family” that she raised with her husband. Lawyers for Lewandowski dismissed the allegations as “rumors.”
Lewandowski became a key adviser to Noem by 2019, and they would travel frequently together. Per the Daily Mail, “In the months leading up to the 2020 election, Noem and Lewandowski became virtually inseparable companions on the Trump campaign trail. By then, their relationship was an open secret at the White House and among high-level GOP lobbyists and political consultants.”
However, after a scandal in which Lewandowski allegedly propositioned a donor’s wife at a Benihana, he was supposedly cut loose from Noem’s team. “Corey was always a volunteer, never paid a dime (campaign or official),” Ian Fury, Noem’s communications director, said in a statement at the time. “He will not be advising the governor in regard to the campaign or official office.” The Daily Mail claimed this was not true. Lewandowski continued working for Noem, and she would, according to a source, “make excuses for his behavior and apologize to staffers for him.”
Can you imagine what that apology looks like? “Okay, so he’s cringey and hits on other women. And he looks like he was extruded from Satan’s letter press. But he’s my paid boyfriend and allowances must be made. He may be a serial cheating, sexually predatory, grifting creep, but at least he’s not a transgender child, rape victim, or a gay person wanting a wedding.”