A Decade of Chump Love
Today is my 10-year wedding anniversary. I don’t generally blog about myself or the goings on at Chez Chump. But I thought I’d make an exception as I’ve got something to share in the Mighty column — I’ve been in a healthy marriage for a DECADE.
I don’t suck at this. Mr. CL doesn’t suck at this. We’re both pretty great partners.
Why is this a revelation? Because if you’ve been chumped, you’ve probably carried around baggage that the problem was you. You’re unlovable. Controlling. You make pasta wrong. You’re embarrassing. You drove them to it.
Why should you think such a thing? Because your cheating partner told you so — and so did all the resources purported to help you. (i.e., the Reconciliation Industrial Complex.) You weren’t “meeting their needs.” You demanded too many answers. You couldn’t forgive this nebulous thing we aren’t allowed to discuss. You didn’t love unconditionally, horizontally, or swung from a trapeze.
So, give up, chump. Just give up. Stay hopelessly devoted to a cheater, says the RIC, don’t give up on THAT. No, give up on expecting mutuality and respect. Give up on mattering.
I didn’t give up.
Mr. CL, who endured a much longer 22-year-long mindfuck, didn’t give up either.
We found each other and it stuck.
I didn’t earn Mr. CL because I learned a Lesson. He was a gift. What changed is that I could recognize an opportunity (fix your picker!), and I let myself be open to the idea. And then — this is the crazy part — I let myself be ridiculously brave after I’d suffered two crushing failures at this life partner thing.
When I met Mr. CL, I was a twice-divorced squidgy 42 year-old woman with a kid. A year and a half later, I moved to Texas, a state the color of dead grass, to be with him. A state with open carry gun laws, jalapeños (pain is NOT a flavor), drought, tornados, floods, rattlesnakes, fire ants… (Don’t get me started on Texas.) Suffice it to say, I never imagined myself in Texas.
I never imagined myself married to a Texas trial lawyer who drove a quad-cab Ford diesel pickup truck with a gun rack. I didn’t get the life I planned. I got a BETTER one because I was brave.
When I left a cheater, I didn’t know what was on the other side of my life. I just knew that I MATTERED. And I wouldn’t be accepting abuse. Whatever it was I’d had when I was married was toxic, lopsided, chaotic and painful. I left for an ideal — self-respect. I deserved better. I had ZERO expectation that I would live to see a day I’d find “better.”
Things were demonstrably better after I left the cheater. As we say around here, “the walls in my house sung.” I created a good, safe, well-ordered life. I had a job I loved, and a little house that was just mine, and a garden with two pears trees, an apple tree, a cherry tree and raspberry bushes. My son could walk to school. It was a hard-won kind of heaven. It was enough until I met Mr. CL.
Trauma can make you go two different ways — you can curl yourself up and retreat. Or you can be a bold risk-taker. Few things in life hurt more than being chumped. You stared down the worst sort of humiliating rejection and survived. So why not be brave?
Ten years ago today, I woke up in Lockhart, Texas. The day was hellishly hot. Hotter than a June bride in a feather bed, as my grandfather would say. So hot we drove the two blocks to the Caldwell County courthouse. Judge Jarrett fit us in between traffic violations. It was just us and the judge as our witness. Mr. CL wore a suit, I wore a sundress. Exchanging vows took about 10 minutes, and then we walked across the street and shared a slice of coconut cream pie.
Married!
Since then, we’ve muddled through blending families, launching three young men into adulthood, a lawsuit (from my son’s deadbeat father. He lost, of course he did.), a flood, the death of Mr. CL’s father, a couple health scares, a relocation to D.C., new jobs, expanding waistlines, gray hair.
None of this was as hard as one day spent with a fuckwit. What a difference a loving, invested partner makes.
Today Mr. CL made breakfast tacos for breakfast. I put hot sauce on mine, because I’ve grown a lot in 10 years. We exchanged cards. I failed to adequately express the goopy love I feel for him, but I tried.
Mr. CL wrote:
“I met you when I thought my life had been destroyed. Turns out, my life was just beginning!”
Here’s to new beginnings!
Happy Anniversary to you! I hope you have something special planned, even though it’s raining 🙂
-Fellow DC-er
Happy Anniversary! Thanks for sharing your story and for giving us hope!
You’re an adorable couple! ????
Smiling.
Ha! Nothing planned, we’re both working today. Leftover pizza for dinner probably. We had something planned, but COVID… Next week we’re probably going to get away and have a little celebration.
Thanks for alllowing us to share your anniversary with you two , Congrats
I just love a happy ending ! Your story Inspires me that just maybe there is hope for decent men in this world. Maybe one will come my way but maybe not. I’m just happy to know they are out there.
It’s perfect! Congratulations on a wonderful life.
Happy Anniversary! You continue to be a bright light and an inspiration as I continue to navigate through ups and downs in my 3rd relationship (not remarried yet) after a severe chumping in my 2nd marriage! I am so happy to hear your story and to hear how happy you both are! You continue to give us all hope! Enjoy your special 10 year anniversary!
Congratulations ????????????????????????????????????????! Like you and Kimberlee, I hope to get to a successful #3. Your story is similar to mine in terms of H#1 untreated MH issues, H#2 (presented like Mr CL) but turns out not so much. Thanks for the hope and the vote of confidence you send out.
I love your writing, the straight shooter in you and your sharp wit. I love how you can frame real life into something worth being very grateful for. Mr CL is lucky to have found you.
Happy anniversary and thank you for sharing! I absolutely love the simplicity of Your love, as explained! (As it should be)
Your writing style is so quick and clever
Thanks again- ALL the best????
That is a just *lovely* post! So happy for you, CL, and Mr. CL. ????????
Just wanted to say, your book, your blog, and CN have made all the difference to my life, during, and after, all the horror. Thank you. xx
Being 68, and still working on fixing my picker makes it unlikely I’ll ever either date again, or get in a relationship, much less marriage, but I have learnt so much from you and CN, my life is *so* much better now, thank you again, and again. ????????
Never say never chumpnomore6. I know couples who married in their 80s. Not that marriage is the end all be all but those people found love and each other in the later part of their lives. When you’re an intelligent, kind, compassionate person such as yourself you’ll attract people you. You never know.
????❤️ Thank you.
And you both look so happy, and you *fit*. ❤️
Many happy returns, and enjoy your getaway next week, CL! Anywhere other than the Bay of Breakfastnook or Patio Peninsula sounds lovely right about now. Don’t get me wrong, though – I’m so grateful to have moved into this apartment just days before everything shut down in March. No fruit trees, but my tomatoes are going like gangbusters. Peace is priceless.
Marriage is in the quiet, working, rainy, leftover pizza days. Sounds like a wonderful day. <3 Have a great trip!
Dear Tracy and Mr. Chumplady, felicitations and best wishes for many more years of joy! Thank you and bless you for the Genuine hope you share here!
Happy anniversary! You and your book and your blog are keeping me afloat right now as I navigate through the initial stages of betrayal. Thank you for all you do and your wonderful insightful words. I hope you guys have a great day!
He’s a keeper!
So glad you both found a happy new life.
❤ Happy Anniversary CL & Mr CL! So grateful for all you do & have done for so many good chumps CL. May god continue to bless you both ❤
YES!! Me and Colonel Greatguy just celebrated 5 years and are navigating the choppy waters of life. When I said I wanted to get old with him, I didnt actually picture GETTING OLD but we now look different than the photos of our courtship.
I try to never come here and frame success as future marriage…that is good for some but not everyone. For those who eventually choose it and pick a winner, great. For those contented with themselves or those who are clever enough to not settle for dumpster-fire prospects and keep your options open…good on you. Lets get on with this business of living our best lives.
Congrats! I agree that remarriage isn’t the end goal. I didn’t want to come across as self-congratulatory. When I created this place, I was remarried, and I wanted there to be a place that showed new lives after betrayal are possible and happy, and aren’t about reconciliation with a cheater.
There are MANY new beginnings. New jobs, new degrees, being the sane parent, better friendships. So much to fill your life with that isn’t flinging your precious life at a narcissist.
Thank you so much for this post. I’m almost a year out from D day yet really struggling with it all still. I think covid has delayed my gaining a new life quite a bit. I love a hopeful story though.
You are always very kind and considerate on this point…I just wanted to add that caveat as I am also celebrating marriage yet give lots of love to the chumps in every version of love.
Congrats on your 10-year! What a blessing both you and your hubby found good, decent and loving partners after the hell you both went through. I believe it makes you appreciate each other even more.
I have been remarried to my “keeper” for 17 years now. Early in our courtship, he said to me, “Wiser Now, don’t ever let anyone run over you, including me.” Right then, I knew he was a good one. And he has proven himself to be. 🙂
CL, no need to explain your post. You have made it very clear in your posts that the goal is self-love, self acceptance, moving forward and living – a new partner has never been the focus of your writing. Many of us would like one, but it goes without saying, some people actually prefer the perks of being single.
???? ( love what you said )
There are indeed many new beginnings, and all of them should be embraced and celebrated–including your happy, successful marriage to Mr. Chump Lady. Congratulations on ten happy years together, and here’s to many decades more!
What a wonderful way to wake up on a Thursday, two days after a Tuesday! Congratulations to you two and thank you for this empowering blog.
Love the photo of your Golden. I have two myself…life-savers, I’d say! Stuck with me through all the crying!
Well being from Texas, I am mildly offended! Happy Anniversary! From a Texas chump!
You can stand beside Mr. CL in the “mildly offended by Tracy’s snark about Texas.”
The best people are from Texas. The weather, however…
Back when I lived in Houston there were 3 seasons: Hot, Wet & February.
February is the awesome one (sunny, temperatures in the 70s, not too humid). Dining at night on a patio on your birthday (Feb 24th) is fun when most people are still snowed or iced in, but yeah the rest of the time you go from air conditioned interior to air conditioned interior.
Anyhoo congratulations on the decade CL (& Mr. CL)!
The last time I was in Houston, I was in a mall hit by a tornado and got caught in a flash flood.
How can anyone complain about 105 with heat index of 110 plus? Or the 90 plus percent humidity that goes with it??? Now Lockhart is not one of our best examples of greatness!
Thank you for sharing this. I’ve spent another night getting no sleep and wondering why I’m so awful.
You are far from awful.
And I prescribe an escapist movie for you (if I knew your tastes, I’d suggest one, I just had a blast watching the head trip ‘Rocketman’, it’s currently a freebie if you are subscribed to Amazon Prime) as well as a portion of the dessert of your choice.
Having been in an awful relationship with an awful person doesn’t make you awful. The corollary to “Trust that they suck” is “Trust that you don’t suck”.
Isn’t this the damn truth?
Yes! This!
“Trust that you don’t suck” is so important. CL should do a companion block to Trust That They Suck about this. Trust That You Don’t Suck.
I struggled so hard with this. Like what about me is so shitty that this is the life I have? What did I do that makes me deserve this shit?
Talking with my therapist, I told her about the experiences I’ve had with terrible partners and at the end of my story she just said “You know those guys suck right?” Just that. No buts, so qualifiers, no “But you…” just “You know those guys suck right?”
I thought I sucked because of all the terrible things these terrible people had said and done to me. Too old to like pokemon, too old to have stuffed animals, how stupid I was for going to University and incurring student debt, “resentful” for asking them to stop talking about their ex spouse, “dumb sjw bullshit” for wanting to see the female-cast Ghostbusters, “creepy and weird goth chick” for owning a snake, being told to “stop trying to control other people and being so insecure” for saying I don’t want my partners to cheat, being “strange and making them uncomfortable” for liking anime, stop wearing heels in public that’s slutty, don’t wear ripped jeans that’s trashy…and a thousand other criticisms of everything about me.
It’s garbage. All of it. I have a pokemon facemask and backpack. I am very upfront about the fact I will not tolerate cheating. I wear whatever pants or shoes I want. I take pictures of my pet snake all the time. I did watercolor art of my favorite female Ghostbuster. And I love anime so much, I connected with my current partner through an anime quote. (For his birthday, I actually got the voice actor of his favorite character on his favorite anime to record him a personal birthday video message. He was speechless.)
They suck. You don’t. Don’t let some asshole convince you that you deserved the pain of their shitty choices.
My therapist told me, “You aren’t for everybody.” Not every man (or female friend, for that matter), are going to be comfortable with who I am, what I love, how I like to live.
And I take that to heart. But for sure, I have to be “for” myself. I hope all chumps know that when someone starts to tear them down–during dating or after marriage–that’s a sign that there is something wrong with the person finding fault. And the corollary is true also–that if we find ourselves wanting to remodel or change someone, then that person is not for us.
I’ve mentioned this blog & companion book on several occasions with my therapist. He once asked me what I had learned the most & I said “trust that they suck.” He loved it.
“Trust that you don’t suck”
Perfect Chumpinrecovery ????
Try new surroundings in a new life. Watch the awful recede.
Congratulations!
Loved this post ❤️❤️❤️ Happy Anniversary
“None of this was as hard as one day spent with a fuckwit. What a difference a loving, invested partner makes.”
Great, now I’m crying. And before my morning meetings. You really *are* awful, CL! (I kid.)
Been with the new guy for 4.5 years now, and everything we face is, like you said, so much easier than one day spent with a fuckwit. If he could hear me over the sound of our two small kids singing together in the kitchen right now, I’d tell him. That being said, my life as a single mom post-chumpdom was ALSO amazing. I’m so grateful for this community and for the walls in all our houses, singing.
That was the part that I loved too! Just knowing you have a dedicated person who’s facing the problems *with* you is great – I’ve started saying to people that if they find true peace with someone, that is a VERY good sign.
I love this sooooo much! Thanks for sharing your life and love story with us! And all the pictures too! Happy 10th wedding anniversary, Mr. & Mrs. Chump Lady!
This is awesome! Hope you day is awesome. You and your book has helped me so very much!
That made me cry, it’s so lovely. Congrats to you both, truly. And thanks again for regularly putting us all straight!
Wouldn’t it be lovely to quietly match up the men in this group to a possible female Chump connection also from the group? Often when I am reading the posts of an eloquent and kind Chump dude I think, “Why can’t I meet someone like him?”
I would caution everyone from thinking that finding a chump is the ticket. My chump chumped me. Look for other qualities instead :).
I first posted this in April 2019 — since the tune comes from a song celebrating anniversaries, I’m posting again on your special day — have a great one (and Mr. CL, please take for a spin on the dance floor on behalf of all of us) . . .
“A long distance anniversary dedication goes out to the Chump Lady blog, and to the paradox that while it’s a life saver when we need it most, it also aims to get all chumps to the point where we DON’T need it anymore.”
To the tune of: “Can I Have This Dance” (Anne Murray)
I’ll always remember the hell of my D-Day
My mind in a horrible place
I found you on Google, and knew when I came here
I’d found my saving grace
Can I have this blog for as long as I need?
To deal with and process every misdeed?
Things become better the more I read
Can I have this blog for as long as I need?
I’ll always be grateful for gaining the know-how
To understand shit cheaters say
For Bullshit Translation, for Tempest, and Nomar,
Cashmere and L-A-J
Can I have this blog for as long as I need?
To deal with and process every misdeed?
Things become better the more I read
Can I have this blog for as long as I need?
Aww. How do you come up with these so fast? It’s like a super power!
I hear the voice of Casey Kasem…
UX is a creative genius.
UXworld: You have a special talent, indeed!!! Genius! Thanks for sharing.
(I’m pretty sure the ex Mr. Spinach and I danced to that Anne Murray song at our wedding. Ah, the 80s!)
I was married 45 yrs….my husband has a 5 yr old. (I Don’t). Im so broken and sad. I was blindsided.
But, I can and will wish you and Mr CL a Beautiful Day. Linda
This has made me cry, congrats. I am 11 weeks of living in Chumptown and sill very broken, While WH and AP living in unicorn land of Twu Luv!! Trying to believe it will get better. I hope my Tuesday is out there and there is hope that this gets better like it did for you.
I’m so sorry….. you are definitely not the one who sucks. This is the most important thing to remember
I agree: you are still bleeding and broken at 11 weeks. All your energy needs to go to self-care. The temptation is to try to “fix it.” The temptation is to try to get your cheater to “fix it.” Trust me: they have nothing for you; they can give you nothing; and the thing they did isn’t fixable. Pretend they were a hurricane: Hurricane Cheater. What’s the point of blaming a hurricane, or wanting the hurricane to fix the damage it did? Shift your focus from fixing to healing.
To heal…. First, you need splints and wraps so you can heal straight and clean and strong: talk to your therapist, your friends who have their heads screwed on straight and know how precious you are, your pastor or priest if that applies. Read CL’s book. Another one I really like is Margalis Fjelstad’s Healing from a Narcissistic Relationship. Do all the exercises to take an inventory of how you feel (b/c your cheater spent years gaslighting you into doubting your own feelings) and what you love about yourself. Keep a journal to keep yourself honest with yourself.
Second, you need painkillers: healing hurts, and there’s no short way through the pain (though it does ease up over time). So, when the pain comes, don’t mess around, medicate it with things you know are healthy for you. I used hot baths, phone calls with friends, cooking and baking for friends, playing piano, running, martial arts, home improvement, hiking my dogs, K-drama, and fly-fishing. Painkillers have to be things you know you love and that will take effect immediately.
That’s it: there’s nothing else to do right now except be kind to yourself and wait for the awesome healing power of your spirit to kick in. I promise it will. ((Hugs))
Most of us don’t get lucky enough to find this site in11 weeks.
okupin, ‘Hurricane Cheater. ????What’s the point of blaming a hurricane, or wanting the hurricane to fix the damage it did? Shift your focus from fixing to healing.’
Brilliant!
I wish I had found CL sooner, rather than wasting months doing a deep dive into the RIC literature. Better late than never though.
** Hugs! **
I agree with Zip. Hang in there and try to take things one day at a time. Make sure you eat & get enough sleep, and take care of you! Things will get better with time. I know that probably feels impossible right now, but it’s true and we are all here to support you and lift you up. You can do this!
** More Hugs! **
11 weeks
You are still in the thick unbearable heat of it. One day at a time – advice that helped me was to do one thing for myself every day. Some days that amounted to taking a shower, ???? hug.
Remember, you’re not the one who sucks.
Congratulations! I’m so happy for you both, you give us hope and motivation!
Just wanted to add, something just fell into my eye, that’s why I’m tearing up, not crying, not me… I wish you all the best
Chump lady proves life goes on.
Cheaters are like prickly heat, horrible and annoying.
Lovely pictures.
I would say cheaters are like wasps, but that’s a insult to wasps.
Happy Anniversary you two! It makes me happy every time I read this blog that someone has found a great partner after being with a fuckwit. I remember when Mr. CL started chiming in on your advice and knew that you had found a wonderful man! Thanks for sharing the pictures. Enjoy your day and may you enjoy another ten years too! By the way – does Mr. CL have any eligible brothers??? Lol 😉 PS – without this blog I don’t think I would have made it to Meh. For that I am eternally grateful!
❤️. Best thing I’ve read in a very long time! Cheers to you two enjoying life and having a healthy loving relationship ship. I hope we are all just as lucky to find loving partners like y’all did.
Happy Anniversary from Australia. I had been questioning myself tonight for the first time since BD 3 years ago that ‘somehow’ I deserved this. I know I don’t, but just that nagging feeling of “what if”. I’m so happy to hear of chumps “happily ever after”, can’t imagine what that would look like, but I’m still searching.
No one “deserves” to be lied to, betrayed, manipulated and wounded.
Happily ever after can take many forms, but the prerequisite is knowing who you are and what matters to you. Once I put aside the push for a life I thought I “should” have and started figuring out who I am and what I like and what I want in my life, then my “happily ever after” in my 60s started to come together.
Congratulations! There is so much hope and love in your story. My dude and I will be married 3 years this November. It was hard to work through the fear to choose love again. It’s not perfect, but I’ve learned to trust again, never as naively as I did before, but I know he has my back no matter what.
I love everything about this post but especially the pictures! Happy Anniversary Tracy and Mr. CL. Here’s to many, many more decades of loving, invested partnership! ????
Happy Anniversary!
Thank you for sharing your experience, strength, hope, and infidelity recovery with me. You have saved my life every day since I found you.
I am overjoyed that you and Mr. CL found each other. I know this blog is a lot of work and takes a massive amount of energy and time….so thank you for so kind and generously taking a slice of that precious time you have with Mr. CL and giving it to us.
It posted as a reply to Beth but y’all know what I mean!
❤️
Happy Anniversary! May you enjoy many more years together.
I don’t know – Ledo’s pizza and beer sounds like a celebration. Or at least crabs and beer.
So many congratulations! Even in this post, you know our hearts. I appreciate you so much — for your willingness to lay bare the pain you’ve borne, for your devotedness to the lessons it taught, and for your dedication to sharing those tough (and valuable) lessons with us.
Then here, to circle back and acknowledge that we just wanted to be loved, valued, respected, and treated with honesty when we ended up chumped (and chumped, and chumped), acknowledging that we weren’t wrong, and that in time, there could be someone real and true to genuinely and happily share the minutiae of life with. This is the best post. I’m so happy for you, and thankful even here you’re sharing the path you’ve blazed so we (with fixed pickers) can follow. All the best, and happy anniversary!
Congratulations. I, while being a hopeless romantic, am happily content single. I have just obtained permanent employment from a contract role. That is my celebration. That and having survived cancer and all the wonderful friends in my life. I haven’t formally rejected dating again, I just think I might be one of those people who lives a full life alone. I know that is better than being with a lying, thieving, cheat.
Once I got over the brainwashing that I needed to be in a married couple and the fear and hatred of living alone, I found I really look forward to coming home at the end of the day, knowing I can have peace and solitude. I feel very blessed to have found a nice man to “keep company” with so i don’t go full hermit.
This post makes me happy. I teared up reading it. Thank you for sharing with us. At 57 it seems unlikely I will find a partner. I am not actively seeking any kind of relationship because my life feels happy and full as is. And it seems to me it is not a good use of my valuable remaining time to be searching for a needle in a haystack. Seven years after d-day and pretty meh thanks in large part to the wisdom of CL and CN. After a 27 year (what I thought was a good) marriage it took quite a while. Still sometimes I think it would be nice to have a partner and if someone comes along maybe. Hearing the good stories make it seem possible. Thank you Chumplady and Happy Anniversary!
Sometimes you find the needle when you aren’t looking. So go on doing your happy, full life. That’s how I met the Very Kind Man I date–in the process of recovering an activity that had fallen out of my life before I was old enough to date.
@BetterEveryDay–you and me both. I’m 54, 27 years together of what I too had thought was a good marriage; completely blindsided as he was a really good husband until he wasn’t. And I get it–right now I still can’t even imagine a partner and it makes me sad that even that possibility was soiled for me. HOWEVER, as I mentioned somewhere here before a former co-worker remarried at 60, a friend’s aunt married in November of last year at…i think…I can’t remember but she’s in her 60’s. And a former client moved in with her boyfriend a year ago and she’s I believe 72. Oh! And a client who had left an abusive marriage in her I believe 40’s was single for 20 years and when I met her she was remarried for 2 years. I’m still in the ‘it won’t happen for me’ camp (still struggling with that self-esteem) but I do like to let people know that it can and does happen sometimes.
You have a solid 20 yrs with your next partner- if you want one. 57 is NOT a write off.
Happy Anniversary!
All the best to CL and Mr. CL! Good people can find each other and make it work.
You’re an inspiration!
Happy anniversary!! It’s good to put a face to the name! Enjoy your special day.
I have a Texas size grin after reading this. Here’s to fixing pickers and doing the hard work of being a good partner. Here’s to breakfast tacos. And here’s to your gorgeous mane of curly hair – this stick straight haired woman knows the grass isn’t greener on the other side of the hair fence but dang it’s pretty. Happy anniversary and many more!
Happy Anniversary I’m am so Happy for you Reading your story brought tears to my eyes tears of joy for you tears of hope for me You did it you got your second chance , I’m so proud of you Very moved by your story Thank you for sharing it Hope you have a Amazing day They you also for being here for all of us Congratulations ????
Thank you also for being here for all of us Congratulations ( not they) ????
So much radiance, from you two!! ✨
Happy Anniversary, Mrs. and Mr. CL !! ????????
Happy anniversary CL! Thanks for sharing your joy.
Have you ever shared how you met Mr. CL?
Not2ndplace, at the top of the page, right next to home, click on “about” to read part of CL’s story. Then, go into the archives and there are more details along the way, like August 8, 2012.
Short version: New Orleans. Jazzfest. Solomon Burke.
Solomon Burke!
I love your site, insight into the reality of the skein, and this post. Congratulations. I’m so happy for you both and to know there’s life after a little death by a cheater. Single or healthily rehitched!
Have a great one!!! Ty for all you do.
Happy Anniversary! Not that many years ago I found your website and it helped save my sanity in the midst of something I couldn’t figure out myself. I’m forever grateful for you and the love you show your fellow chumps with actionable information to get us unstuck and on a path worthy of our value as good people. May Karma continue to shower you with rewards from helping so many people and may your blessings in life multiply.
Happy Anniversary to you both. You make a great looking couple and I am so glad that you have found your happiness. I am also so very grateful that I found your site and your book…you helped make sense out of absolute nonsense.
Today is actually an anniversary for me also. Five years age today was Dday (after 36 years)! I actually feel like it happened 100 years ago. I have not yet reached nirvana, but life is good!
Omg, reading this makes me sob of both happiness and pain. I am so happy for you Chump Lady. This brings n m e so much hope for the future. I am separated from my ex but not divorced. We are trying to heal from all the wreckage of the marriage separately but we talk once a week. The rest of the time we’re going no contact. This Friday would’ve been our 10th anniversary. It is so heartbreaking that some people can create so much damage to those closest to them. I guess we have to have faith that it is not all in vain. Happiness is hopefully around the corner for those who choose self-respect. Happy anniversary! Xx
As Chump Lady says….it’s not that she doesn’t believe in Unicorns ( cheaters who really, truly are sorry and are committed to change and being the honest partner they should have been, etc)- it’s not that they don’t exist, it’s just that ——as she says, she’s never seen one. So, knowing that a Unicorn has never been spotted but with that teeny tiny sliver of hope and your shields UP… that your cheater might just be the Big Foot of Unicorns and .if talking to your Asshat cheater once a week allows you to collect data, watch the specimen like you would study a virus in a Petri dish laboratory….if that gives you peace from a distance then perhaps it can work for you. But tread carefully because as much as the emotional blow is painful the first time it’s worse the second and third rounds. I hope for your sake that your cheater can be the first Unicorn spotted…..but this new breed of animal must come with papers….and those papers are called a post nup. Put into writing now that any all property is yours, a monthly annuity for you for life, etc – set the bar high and if he won’t sign it, look for the zipper around his horn…he’s not a real unicorn – he rented the costume from Central Casting. Good luck and please take care of yourself first – people will treat you based on how you treat yourself. Sending you best wishes- you are not alone.
I’d add that while I get the idea of talking once a week if the goal is to save the marriage, I’d suggest that you, B, are putting yourself at risk. If your spouse lied to you and gaslighted you during an affair, how can you believe what they say now? How can you heal when you are keeping hope alive for a marriage that is “wreckage”?
I’m not saying that you need to get a divorce. But time really apart from each other is a way to figure out, first, what you need and want in a partner and what you need for yourself. And second, whether your spouse has sufficient character to be a faithful, kind, honest partner. The most important thing I learned was that you can’t have a good relationship with someone of poor character. The second most important thing was that I needed time on my own to think clearly about the relationship while not allowing reconciliation to be more important than my own long-term health and happiness.
LofedaJackass is right. Be very careful during any communication if you must/want to have those weekly chats – keep your shield up. Do not become a hermit but at the same time beware of others who will mindfuck you the same way the Cheater has…..the not so sincere girlfriends that say “leave him!!!” only to date him later…..or the mother-in-laws or the mothers or the neighbors or that person at work, etc. – you can go nuts listening to other people – this is about you….what gives you peace. You’ll know when your pushing a square into a round hole….you’ll have that light bulb moment – sometimes you have to put your hand back in the flame a few times to really know that Trust That They Suck is true. I know women who still morn their divorce because they feel they didn’t give him a second chance – if walking back through the flames allows you to be more certain of your decision then go for it – but shields up – Trust Chump Nation – these are all very good women/men.
“We are trying to heal from all the wreckage of the marriage separately but we talk once a week.”
*We*??
If he cheated on you, there is no ‘we’ here. You can bet your boots *he* is not “trying to heal”, and talking once a week? He’s manipulating you, don’t fall for it.
Hi B,
Sorry you’re in the thick of the pain and the hurt right now. Can I make an observation? Talking once a week isn’t “no contact.” It might seem harder at first, but if you stop those once a week phone calls, you might find yourself healing faster.
Agreed, if he chumped you, talking with him is helping him not you. I did the same. It took a while to let it sink in. If it’s over it’s over. Unfortunately. Hugs.
Herzlichen Glückwunsch! Congratulations!
For the newbies, I am one of the long term visitors here. I joined CN in April 2013. My divorce had just been finalized, and I was spending two months overseas for work, while my minor aged children were home with my exH cheater. He had just tried to move the pregnant OW into the house, but I managed to halt that. I wish I had found CL while I struggled post DDay and through the divorce, but better late than never.
It’s been a tough 7 years ,even pre-COVID. 7 years of ex hiding salary, two trips to court (what a waste of 20k dollars) , a suicidal 14 yr old (two hospitalizations— they are in college now!), a younger child with self esteem issues who is a people pleaser (I worry about chumpdom for them…) .
Mx ex moved overseas, married the OW, and had a kid less than six months post divorce finalization. That made life somewhat easier, as I did not have the daily contact.
As CL says, then end goal is not another marriage. It’s about finding your worth, and taking that into all aspects of your new life.
I had been with my high school sweetheart for 23 yrs, 18 yrs married…. I had a very difficult time accepting that he was not the person I thought I married. Add in I was the single parent with no support…
Three years ago I ignored a note from a guy from an online dating group— eldest was in crisis again and I did not have the energy for dating. I responded 2.5 months later, but he was traveling for work. Our first date was two months after that. Then we muddled through for four more months because he could not read if I was interested in him romantically (I had never dated…). We are still together, and I am still amazed at times.
It has also not be a walk in the park- deaths of parents, our differing habits and needs, now COVID— but it has also been full of adventures, big and small. He took me backpacking, I took him to Europe.
So, for the newbies — take a chance on yourself. Life will get better, whether it’s a new city, a new job, a new relationship. Be present for yourself, your kids.
Jedi hugs to all.
“As CL says, then end goal is not another marriage. It’s about finding your worth, and taking that into all aspects of your new life.”
This.
Hey zyx321; Just wanted to let you know I have a daughter I was worried about when she was young. (Too nice, worried about her boundaries). She is now 35, a nurse practitioner, and I pity the fool that gets in the way of her goals.
Good to hear!
Many congratulations , I’m in absolute tears reading this ( happy tears though )
I want to be brave someday but for just now I’ll just read this over and over .
Right there with ya!
Lockhart? We’re practically neighbors! (New Braunfels)
Happy anniversary !
A year ago, my life exploded. Im much better now and a good father to my kids, and that’s thanks to an unbelievable support system, of which you were part. I recently had a meeting online with divorced men, many chumps. We discussed what we learned. I told i learned how to identify bullshit, and thats one of the things you teached me, so congrats, and thank you.
I also remember that twenty years ago, i had to write a philosophy dissertation for an exam. The question was “is heroism a perversion of courage”. I dont remember what i wrote but it didn’t get me a good grade. Today, i would simply write “no, its not.” You’re a real hero. I still can’t believe you answered my mail almost a year ago, in addition to everything you do everyday. You put me back on my feet. I talk about your blog every occasion i get. You teach us clarity, self respect, self forgiveness, and you generally rock.
Thank you!
Francois
Congratulations!
I too found Mr. Right and we are getting married this weekend! He is my Angel and I don’t know what I would do without him. I am so grateful to have this man in our lives. Thank you for this blog and showing woman what is not acceptable and how when you know your worth you can find Mr. Right or be happy on your own!
We all so appreciate all the topics that we read here!
Enjoy your day together!
Congratulations to you, Mindy!
Happy Anniversary! I was married on this day as well. Today would have been a significant wedding anniversary for me. I woke up this morning wondering how to make sense of all the conflicting emotions I’m feeling, nearly 2 years out from my divorce. I have not posted much on CN lately, but reading this post today feels like a sign. I’m glad the day worked out well for Chump Lady. It truly gives me hope!
My entire married life was “toxic, lopsided, chaotic and painful.” I suppose I will always miss the dream of what “could have been,” but let’s face it, the reality sucked. There was nothing wrong with the dream, but the person who lied, betrayed, and traumatized me did not ever truly value me or my dream.
Reading this post, I am reclaiming today — and my future. Here is to new beginnings!
MehBeSoon, sending you love and support.
I second that!
Congratulations, CL! You’re both picture perfect.
This makes my day in every way. Thank you for encouraging me to believe I am worth it and that my mighty is just beginning! Sending gratitude, congratulations and so many wishes for decades of future happiness. ♥️
Happy Anniversary… you and Mr. CL are so inspiring (I wish there was a dating site for chumps!). Cheers to your bravery, your love, your commitment, and to the next ten years!
Cheers to a different type of hopium! What’s not to love about 107 degrees with 100% humidity at 8:00AM?
CL undersells herself once again. She is more beautiful, more talented, and more courageous than the “pretty great” she (barely) admits to. Remarriage for me, to CL, was a no-brainer.
About getting married on Friday the 13th (yes, August 13, 2010, was a Friday), there is a story. The day before I met CL in New Orleans, I got a tattoo of the number 13 on my arm. I chose that for my first and only ink because 13 has always been my lucky number, since I won a huge decorated Christmas tree on a No. 13 raffle ticket when I was 7 years old. Seven-year-old me thought, “Is there anything better than having YOUR VERY OWN CHRISTMAS TREE?!?” And as the years passed, I came to love the idea that things that appear at first to be bad luck—say, a raffle ticket bearing the number 13, or losing a job, or perhaps even discovering that a wife of 22 years was cheating the whole time—can end up being tremendous good luck.
Of course, I love that idea even more after I showed CL my new tattoo and we went on to fall in love and make a wonderful new life together. I proposed the following year on May 13, we got married on August 13, and when our marriage certificate arrived it had been recorded in Book 13 of the marriage records of Caldwell County, Texas. And if I could go back in time, I would tell seven-year-old me, “Having your very own Christmas tree is great, but trust me, it gets WAY better than that.”
Happy anniversary, Tracy. I love you. And to all the chumps out there who think they might want to partner up again, take heart: No one knows yet how your story is going to end, and ANYTHING is possible.
Nice, Mr CL. You and Tracy enjoy all the 13’s you want. You deserve it. I’m an eleven man, myself. I was already there for personal reasons, but “This Is Spinal Tap” helped confirm it. But I love your idea of finding the silver linings in times and situations that are traditionally not considered that great. May you both enjoy many more years of worthy love together.
Maybe I’ll join you in that someday, but I have no prospect of that right now. Just focusing on my almost 15 yo son primarily (my only minor child that I currently share w/the FW XW) and my two daughters (in their twenties, but also from FW XW). Otherwise, I’m just trying to enjoy my freedom from the FW XW as much as possible.
You two give the rest of us here at CN a view of a possible happy future w/another person. It doesn’t have to be our future, because we know now that we can be happy and alone (not totally happy, I think, since we are social beings, but happy enough). But at least through you both, we see it IS possible. That’s enough for me.
Awww! So very wonderful.
This may be the sweetest thing ever
You are making me cry again!!!
I know! I had no idea I needed kleenex to read this today!
Congratulations to you 2 on your decade! May there be many many more! 😉
As someone who also loves Lucky 13 (and also has a 13 tattoo), thank you so much for this post!
My Friday the 13th wedding did not work out, but that’s because I married a fuckwit. I like to believe there are better days ahead for me. Today’s posts give me hope and make me look forward to the next chapter in my story.
I broke up with my last boyfriend on a Friday 13th! I don’t think he cheated on me, but I did once see evidence that he had a wandering eye… I’d been utterly miserable with him, but the horrible fug I was in disappeared almost immediately, and my mental health got so much better after I got out.
Congratulations and much love to CL and Mr CL, may you have many more happy anniversaries! ????
Paul,
You and Tracy are an amazing couple and perfect for each other. The blended family you created is pretty special too.
The world and all us chumps are lucky to have you both in it.
Enjoy your special day because you deserve it.
????
Ahhh, Mr CL, you’re gonna make everyone tear up. Congratulations!
And I have to add as someone born on a Friday the 13th, I think it is a perfectly wonderful number.
Happy Anniversary to you and Mr CL!!!!!
Thank you so much for everything you do. This site has been a lifesaver and helped me to LACGAL. Almost divorced. Fixing my picker, healing and working hard to achieve my dream. I have changed so much. I am enough by myself!!!