And Happy Valentine’s Day to you all. xoxoxo
Limerick Runner Ups…
My wife, good hearted thespian,
said she was suddenly a lesbian.
So she started to date,
And gaslit me so Machiavellian.
I give this points for rhyming Machiavellian.
I once had a wife called Claire,
Who once caught gave me the dead-eyed stare,
An affair with her boss,
She couldn’t give a toss,
And now my children I half share
For the whole D-Day trajectory in one limerick.
As soon as I had paid for your schools
You went out and found some new tools
Your own money you could now make
And there was nothing left of me to take
Now, I’m still your #1…but just in a series of fools
That ending! Way to deliver a punch!
He thought he was king of the gym
She taught bikes and flashed him her quim
He tore the family apart
Just to be with his tart
Now he’s broke and his future is grim
I had to look up “quim.” And it rhymes with grim. Nicely done.
Left for a Dumpling Queen
There was a homewrecker named Yi
Took my ex on a dumpling spree
Hundreds of dollars he spent
But not a penny for rent
Now he mooches off her and not me
Oh the karma.
Pepe Le Pew
Can’t emphasize enough you’re the worst
Served your dick to the girls like bratwurst
Did you make them all cum?
Haha, you’re such a fucking bum
Step aside, I’m now putting ME first
Way to be mighty! And way to turn me off bratwurst.
There once was a sparkle-dick master
Whose love-bombing turned into disaster
now she’s the one stuck
with that old mother f**k
and I’m happy alone ever after
Sparkle-dick master is delightfully snarky.
She began acting all shady,
We could get through this, reconcile maybe?
alas, with regret,
I should have bet,
that within weeks she’d be having his baby.
Call Jerry Springer! Unicorns cannot save this.
Way back when I married a plumber
Couldn’t see there was nobody dumber
He could not tame his zipper
Ran off with a stripper
And now I’m a bright up-and-comer
Tame his zipper and stripper — love!
It was rather shocking to find
several teenagers with which you were entwined
you’d already bought a ring
made sure I’d found everything
motherfucker you’re one of a kind
Oh FT, your cheater is not singular as the CN blogometer can sadly attest.
Porn to assist masturbation
Stripper and hooker intoxication
My ex is a slime
His lying divine
My middle finger as salutations
Nice fuck off.
No Virginia, there is no Unicorn
An ex wife I’ll tell you about,
Hiked her skirt for a smooth talking lout.
Much to her surprise,
His promises? Lies!
He’s *still* married and she’s long thrown out.
Under the bus, huh? Shocker.
My life free of you is a joy
No longer your optional toy.
It’s full steam ahead.
How I love my own bed!
My soul’s not yours to destroy.
That’s the attitude! LACGAL.
He says I love you.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
I know about her.
Seven-syllable ha ha — love it.
Household work was mine
I was your wife appliance
You were just a tool.
Ooh. Clever turnabout on “tool.”
I feel sad for the
children involved in the three
marriages you broke
Tragic and to the point.
Dear God up above,
What did I see in that narc?
Alone is better.
We all ask ourselves that, Crabby.
Still I Rise
“I should get credit…
For the years I didn’t cheat!”
Have a bitch cookie
What was the longest interval? Weeks? Months?
I cleaned my bathtub.
Came home to find a whore’s pube.
On my brand new soap.
Many thanks Schmoopie!
His lies are now your problem.
Good luck with that shit.
No tag backs.
I wanted to live!
Happily ever after.
So I had to leave.
Lawyer not sailor
Got that nautical tattoo
boat already sold
Hahahahahahaha! He probably can’t afford a ballpoint pen or a box of crackerjacks now. #tattoosadz
And the LIMERICK WINNERS ARE:
To my ex, in honor of the apparent abandonment of the “sexual evolution podcast” that was being planning for 2019 —
In drumming up buzz for the podcasts,
And spotlighting both of your odd pasts,
They ain’t so spellbinding.
I trust you’re now finding:
Who cares how long R-P-D’s rod lasts?
Podcasts, odd pasts, rod lasts — genius! And a collective ewww.
You thought a younger wife would look cool.
But really you look like an old fool.
When you come down with dementia,
I’ll be happy I sent ya’
away, and Schmoopie can wipe off your drool.
I think he’ll die in a puddle, Polish. Well done!
And the HAIKU WINNER IS:
Diarrhea AND Dead Phone?
Try Whore Stop
Ain’t GPS a Bitch?!
So much cleverness distilled into three lines. The lame excuses. The savage snark. And how you busted him. Standing ovation!
I’ll be in touch, winners!