And the winner of the Valentine’s Day Contest is….

My God, chumps, you made this VERY, VERY difficult! The talent! The humor! The snark!

I hate choosing favorites, and yet I like to goad you all into little acts of creative rebellion. So, if I didn’t single you out, take heart — I salute your efforts. Keep at it, we will have more contests. (I’m considering a singer/songwriter one next… stay tuned. See Eddie’s Wing Nut rap below for inspiration.)

Well, without further ado, I am awarding TWO winners (just like last year) because I just couldn’t decide between these awesome limericks.

DuckLinerUpper went on a limerick tear! Check out her multiple submissions. But the one for the win was:

He thought he perfected his tricks
But cell tracking exposed him real quick
His 2 am fuck
Means he’s all out of luck
I’m done GPS-ing his dick

Not to be outdone, beendonengone gives the contest some Southern grit with a twist of karma.

Ya done went an found ya another,
Cos yer home life started to smother.
Now its yer turn to crawl,
Call Jerry Springer, y’all!
Cos I hear she’s been fuckin’ yer brother!

I love them both for their karma surprises at the end and the simple, yet creative wordplay.

We had a lot of runners up! In the haiku runners up we have:

Chumpalicious

Jesus wants to know
How you do adultery
With a clear conscience

AtomicFireball

Old guy at the bar.
He’s an Irish band groupie!
Thank God I left him.

mzmama

You always told me,
“I’m not going anywhere.”
I guess your dick did…

And the limerick runner up goes to:

Daffram

Years ago you said you didn’t believe in divorce
You didn’t say anything about being a whore of course
You cheated and lied
My false reality died
Guess what, I believe in divorce

You say I didn’t treat you special everyday
You say I didn’t treat you like a queen everyday
Your claim is lame
I’m not playing your game
You weren’t even that great of a lay.


Her farts were often and loud
So much so, a teenager would be proud
The blast was steady
I thought your underwear was confetti
Even the dog was wowed.

In the long-form limerick verse we’ve got runners up Dr. I Can’t Believe I’m a Chump and Little Mighty Me.

Dr. I Can’t Believe I’m a Chump


I worried when you cheated, you gave me an STD
So I ran to the gyno at a high rate of speed.
I checked out clean
And divorced you mean
Now I am working on my PhD.

You left me alone to take care of your house
Even though I was not deeded, I was just your damn spouse.
While repairing your plumbing
I saw something in the crawl space a-running
And it was an effing mouse.

I admit that I was not afraid
It was another float in this fucked up parade.
There was food in your suitcase
As well as left over toothpaste
You always treated me like a maid.

When you walked out, you left dishes in the sink
An uncleaned bathroom with a mucous crusted counter nearly put me over the brink.
Your beard clippings on the commode
And a septic tank about to explode
Your hoarding requires a shrink.

I hauled all your shit to the attic and the rest in that basement den
Apparently I was married to a cheating bastard who wasn’t even housebroken.
As for the mouse
I brought a cat in the house
I knew when I left, you would need a friend,

Who understood all your “nocturnal” needs
And overlook your disgusting misdeeds
You can this mouse Gus
Because your just a cuss
Who never cuts grass or pulls weeds.

I will admit I was sad the day I had to go
It was not long before the neighbors said you moved in with your trusty hoe
I left that house spotless
Because in a matter of time your mess
Would sooner your ass show.

I sleep in on weekends now with one less toilet to scrub
I soak most weeknights with a book in the tub
She married a cheat
Who was not neat
One day she will join the Chump club.

Little Mighty Me

Poor sausage, he had a rough life
Stuck with his sick, pregnant wife
Dick too immature
To ever endure
A few weeks without sex every night

Our sausage, he hatched quite a plan
Create drama whenever he can
So she’d give him some space
To spend time face-to-face
With Ms. Whorecunt, who wanted her man

Crush my soul, then run out for a “beer”
Taking “me” time to help his head “clear”
Spend his time “at the bar”
Jerking off in his car
While he sexted one-handed, oh dear

The chump who was me lay crying
Every day feeling like dying
He made me feel crazy
Everything was so hazy
But one thing was sure…he was lying

“I don’t think I love you, I’ve been faking.”
“Sorry if your heart seems to be breaking.”
“But now I need time,
To make up my mind,
Some decisions I need to be making.”

“So, I’m taking off for a few days.
I’ll think my way out of my malaise.
But I can’t do it here
So, please be a dear,
And don’t worry, it’s all just a phase.

A chump is a chump, but she’s bright
Technology fits her just right
“Of course you can go!”
What he didn’t know
His phone had been hacked in the night.

Now Sausage has been shown the door
My God, but he’s gonna be poor
I
’ve got the kids AND his truck
And oh YES, the side fuck?
Whorecunt dumped him, ’cause she “deserves more!”

And a new form entry! A rap! Complete with sound — check out Eddie’s Wing Nut Rap!

Eddie the WTF dude of 49 days 

Wing Nut Rap