Anthony Weiner Gets Sent to the Clink

Creepy sexting mongoose “Carlos Danger”, otherwise known as disgraced politician Anthony Weiner, has a bad case of the sadz. He sobbed in court this week as he was sentenced to 21 months in prison and three years of probation for naked video chatting with a 15-year-old girl. He also has to register as a sex offender.

People magazine reports:

The disgraced congressman sobbed as Judge Denise Cote of the Southern District of New York handed down the sentence, telling him, “This is a serious crime that deserves serious punishment.” He grabbed tissues to wipe away his tears and stood crying after the judge left the courtroom in lower Manhattan.

Poor little Weiner. What’s with the consequences, judge? Don’t you know he’s a timid forest creature with an addiction? He got treatment at a ranch! There were ponies! And arts and crafts!

ABC news writes:

Calling himself “a very sick man for a very long time,” Weiner tearfully apologized to the teen and sought to assure the judge he had finally learned his lesson. He has been undergoing therapy.

“I stand before you because I victimized a young person who deserved better,” he said, adding, “Your Honor, I’m not asking that you trust that my recovery is real. I ask you for the opportunity to prove that it is real.”

And by “prove it” I mean “let me go free.” Tell it to the therapy ponies, Anthony. Judge Cote doesn’t play.

Personally, I’m a little disappointed his sentence wasn’t longer. I mean, Jesus, he endangered an entire democracy with the contents of his laptop. Also, his screen names are felony stupid. Carlos Danger?

I’ve been writing about Weiner’s bullshit since 2013. It’s nice to see the arc of the moral universe bend toward “registered sex offender.”

However, Chumps, let this be a lesson to you — it’s always better to GET OUT EARLY. Huma Abedin is STILL going through that divorce. Now she gets to drop her kid off at school still married to a criminal sex offender instead of being miles away from this scandal.

Speaking of which, I know it’s a trying time for Huma Abedin, but Christ on a cracker, why would you choose the week your husband has been sentenced to make bizarre fashion statements? What does this outfit say? Help I’ve been captured by commune hippies? Those embroidered jeans scream LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! at a moment when you might finally want to retreat from the limelight. Not all attention is good attention, Huma.

It’s probably churlish of me to pick on her. God knows she suffers enough from the association of Anthony Weiner. Maybe the high fashion outfits are her way of trying to remain above it all, or deflect the attention from his throbbing boners to her wasp-waisted dresses. I don’t know. I’m glad this story has ended with a prison term and these two are out of the headlines. Their poor kid. If anyone needs a therapy retreat with ponies, it’s him.

Meanwhile, on November 6, one sexy mongoose goes behind bars. Buh-bye Anthony.

Subscribe
Notify of

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

247 Comments
Oldest
Newest Most Voted
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
DemHoez
DemHoez
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

She was dropping her kid off, she can wear whatever she wants.

Paprikash
Paprikash
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Good riddance to bad rubbish! I hope that Huma will take him for all he is worth and then some while he is incarcerated and move in with her life. He is the lowest of scumbags and deserves much more than his light sentence.

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Damn Tracy! what she is wearing on any given day has zip to do with her cheating pedophile STBX. Huma is free of that shithead and I for one LOVE her jeans. PS: photo of her taken the day after his sentencing, as if it makes any difference. I’m wearing bell bottom jeans sitting in my purple living room on an Italian chaise lounge drinking beer out of a bottle right now :). Just kidding, I’m not wearing any pants at all right now, but I wear the jeans when I go out.

NoGuilt
NoGuilt
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

I bought your book,read the posts, direct others to your site and really value what you are doing. I have been trying to ignore different things you say as irrelevant to your main point but I just can’t continue. “CHRIST on a cracker”? Swearing is one thing. Continuously taking the Lord’s name in vain is something else. Like a commandment like not committing adultery.

Caroline Bowman
Caroline Bowman
6 years ago
Reply to  NoGuilt

that is entirely subjective. It’s not swearing, it is not caring about a specific religious set of beliefs. Some people don’t like swearing, others don’t love blasphemy, still others couldn’t give a fucking goddamn about either. It’s a real pick-and-mix of views. It’s also Tracy’s blog to write as she sees fit. You need not read it and we are all entitled to our views of course, but labeling something so incredibly subjective as ”wrong” because you have a very specific view (no, it’s really not universal) is pointless.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago
Reply to  NoGuilt

Tracy provides this site, which helps millions, via her own money and time. Therefore, Tracy gets to be Tracy — in the language department and in all other departments.

If there is a demand for a similar message delivered with different language choices, then there should be a site that provides it. If someone wants that and can’t find it, then that person can do what Tracy did – use their own time and money to make one.

People say things I am uncomfortable with here all the time. My personal discomfort with a certain comment can’t, and shouldn’t, drive the tone of the entire site. I am not entitled to that kind of control over others, and neither is anyone else (except those honored few who hold the permissions to moderate this site).

I get that spiritual beliefs are more strongly held than simple opinions. Even so, at the end of the day, it’s a diverse world. Loving and respecting one another requires a great deal of tolerance for those differences.

Differently Chumped
Differently Chumped
6 years ago
Reply to  NoGuilt

I have to chime in here. I admit it did make me cringe a little. I can say fuck fuckitty fuck all day long.

But Jesus, or Oh My God, or Christ on a cracker feels like a Ped Egg on my heart (metaphorically, of course. What would emptying that be like? Eww!) Anyway, I digress. . .

I make no judgements (see fuckity above), but am simply saying how it makes me feel. Just speakin’ my truth.

I read it again and in my mind said “Jesus Christ IS a cracker. Then I didn’t cringe because transubstantiation and all that.

Susannah
Susannah
6 years ago
Reply to  NoGuilt

Taking the Lord’s name in vain is pretending to be a devout Christian while fucking other people behind your spouse’s back. Jesus Cheaters, the ones who profess to be “saved” and “forgiven” are the ones using and abusing the name of our Lord. It does *not* refer to an epithet that expresses frustration.

JeepTess
JeepTess
6 years ago
Reply to  NoGuilt

(((((((NoGuilt))))))) 🙂

I hope we can all agree that angels come in all shapes and sizes…all different specie…and speak different languages… 🙂

I know that Tracy is an angel.

I, myself, and so grateful for Tracy…for the (to quote Desert Guy 🙂 ) Smack Me in the Head epiphanies and bottomless concern for me and my healing that she teaches me and Chump Nation everyday.

I truly do not know if I would still be breathing if it were not for Tracy and CN.

I’m kinda of a mind that this was Christ’s teachings… I could be wrong…

‘Love one another…judge not…’ 🙂

🙂
Jeep and Beau

JeepTess
JeepTess
6 years ago
Reply to  JeepTess

Trying again 🙂

Your comment is awaiting moderation.

(((((((NoGuilt))))))) 🙂

I hope we can all agree that angels come in all shapes and sizes…all different specie…and speak different languages… 🙂

I know that Tracy is an angel.

I, myself, and so grateful for Tracy…for the (to quote Desert Guy 🙂 ) Smack Me in the Head epiphanies and bottomless concern for me and my healing that she teaches me and Chump Nation everyday.

I truly do not know if I would still be breathing if it were not for Tracy and CN.

I’m kinda of a mind that this was Christ’s teachings… I could be wrong…

‘Love one another…judge not…’ 🙂

🙂
Jeep and Beau

Soldiering On
Soldiering On
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

My “Holy Roller” grandma used “Christ on a crutch” in moments of exasperation!

kimsoverit
kimsoverit
6 years ago
Reply to  NoGuilt

Oh Puhleeeese… Chump Lady and Chump Nation are here to speak freely. If “Christ on a cracker” is ruining your day, I suggest you perhaps get another cup of coffee and start over…
(Hugs)

PutAForkInMe
PutAForkInMe
6 years ago
Reply to  NoGuilt

What if she isn’t Christian?

Natalia.B
Natalia.B
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Chump Lady….that is hilarious. What would we do without you ????. Tell it to the ponies. Love it!

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

I would never beat up on your for anything. But I say if a chump wants to do “high fashion” and show off her mightiness and beauty, I say go for it. Nothing better for chumps than self-care, including pondering a revision of our fashion style to go with a new life. I have a whole Pinterest board devoted to re-thinking my style after D-Day.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

The Ex always complained about how I was dressed. No matter what I wore it was never the right thing. I clearly lack fashion sense myself so I will never judge others by what they wear. Honestly I rarely notice anyway. As EX said once, “we have different priorities” and fashion just isn’t one of mine. I value character, he is the one who values image.

StaryEye
StaryEye
6 years ago

Being fashionable without character is worthless. They might be pretty on the outside but ugly on the inside.

Spoonriver
Spoonriver
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Leave Huma alone. For god’s sake we all should know how it feels. She has to be dying inside. She has her sassy armor on.

SuperDuperChump
SuperDuperChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

I can’t believe she didn’t have a Leif Garrett concert shirt to match those jeans.

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
6 years ago

Oh, Leif Garrett, ….the hair. I thought he was a heart-throb.

ANC
ANC
6 years ago

Actually that would be awesome. I think she looks great!

Free Vix
Free Vix
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

I would be really proud of myself if I managed to look that put together after wrangling my 5-year-old and somehow getting him to school on time. I mean, she’s wearing pants, so that’s as far as I judge.

sara_esq
sara_esq
6 years ago
Reply to  Free Vix

God love you Free Vix. Completely agree. (I, ahem, didn’t even get a haircut for a year – let alone rock a pair of hippie jeans)……

Gato
Gato
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

The outfit is horrible. But I guess she wore it because if anything, it screams “I’m not defeated/bothered/crushed!”.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

I made far worse choices, fashion and otherwise, during and after my divorce from the teen-seeking missile (just made that one up now, thanks for the idea!) As far as I’m concerned Huma is welcome to wear pretty much whatever the hell fabrics she wants. 🙂

A
A
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

I expected better than a commentary on Humas jeans.

Danni Smith
Danni Smith
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

I wonder what she is really feeling. Although I am on this site due to chumping, I was a widow prior to the chump attack. During that intense grief period I had gone to work the full day and then to my Grief support group. Sitting there as the group is in session I was looking down at the floor and saw I was wearing one brown sock and one blue sock-the difference was obvious, not slight. How out of your mind with angst can one really feel when you can choose your polished hair, clothes, makeup? I say she is at meh, already.

cheaterssuck
cheaterssuck
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

I thought he got 21 months?

Nobody2U
Nobody2U
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

I am glad to see he got a little time for his nasty little hobby…I got my first unsolicited dick pic just the other day…from a friend’s son no less. I admit I was shocked and caught completely off guard..but on the sunny side a man young enough to be my son has the “hots” for me…good grief..what in the world makes men think I would be impressed by that?! Why is it that just being a nice person leads them to think I want to see their junk?! I told him I would definitely be telling his mother if he tries this crap again. I have a dark sense of humor so I am not too tore up about it but I kinda felt like just shooting him in the face…

Caroline Bowman
Caroline Bowman
6 years ago
Reply to  Nobody2U

tell his mother immediately. Not to be unkind or humourless, but if he’s doing this at a young age, sending gross pictures to his mother’s friends, it shows a lack of forward-planning and an impulse control problem that can end badly later, when it’s not funny anymore and his poor judgement gets called ”pervert sex pest”.

Really. His parents need to understand what has happened. It’s not cute at all, it might be flattering (hey, I’m only human too, flattery is always welcome), but this is… weird.

Mehphista
Mehphista
6 years ago

Seconded. Prevention is better than cure.

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
6 years ago
Reply to  Nobody2U

You ask “what in the the world makes men think I would be impressed by that ?!”

Young men who have been weaned on porn (the m.i.l.f. category) as a guide to navigate their sex lives, that’s what.

God help us ! We’re way past Playboy, Penthouse, laddie mags,etc.

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

I seriously had a smock shirt sewing project that I embroidered with an almost identical pattern back in Home Economics class in the early 70’s. I’d forgotten (repressed the memory?) about it until seeing her pants. I guess there really is nothing new under the sun. I thought I was cool back then. (Shuddering now).

S&D
S&D
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Some chumps take up welding , others rock their hippie jeans. ????

anewwoman
anewwoman
6 years ago
Reply to  S&D

This! Whatever makes her feel sparkly again is exactly what she should be doing.

Jo
Jo
6 years ago
Reply to  anewwoman

Yup! Take back the sparkle from your sick STBX-narkle, Huma! Rock on with your fly-ass jeans! Wish I looked like her.

Newlady15
Newlady15
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

I agree about Weiner. He’s a menace and deserves more than 21 weeks. I didn’t dress great while in the middle of my crisis either…I give Huma a pass on the high fashion.

DOCTOR's1stWife&Kids
DOCTOR's1stWife&Kids
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

CL

Am I a horrible chump to want to see some of proof that a fine upstanding Congressman ALMOST VP Candidate and husband of a smartypants cute Huma Abedin, might have said illness?

Perhaps some of the photos in evidence?
Signed,

A Chump who likes a little tit for tat (or dick for dat, ) etc.

FarBetterOff
FarBetterOff
6 years ago

Huma better get her divorce wrapped up before the Civil lawsuit starts.

violet
violet
6 years ago
Reply to  FarBetterOff

How very unfair of you to speculate that Hillary “advised” Huma to stay (under circumstances that were in no way similar)! For all you know, Hillary told Huma to leave immediately. But then, that doesn’t make for good smut slinging/chump shaming, something that I thought we were trying to avoid here.

SuperDuperChump
SuperDuperChump
6 years ago

I would hate to know I was going to prison with a name like Weiner. Hopefully, he’ll meet an inmate named Soap.

WhichWayDidSheGo
WhichWayDidSheGo
6 years ago

Yeah, rape is hilarious!!!! It’s okay when we think someone deserves it!

Come on CN. I know you’re joking, but we need to better than this.

Caroline Bowman
Caroline Bowman
6 years ago

no one is being raped… we are talking gay-for-the-stay names. That’s all.

It’s like saying ”I’m so angry I could kill him” *but having to clarify that murder is never funny at all and how could you say such a thing?*.

UXworld
UXworld
6 years ago

I am well rebuked.

Brightmorning
Brightmorning
6 years ago

Agreed. Rape jokes are stomach turning.

UXworld
UXworld
6 years ago

More who are anxiously awaiting his arrival —

Rod Lever 2000
Hot Lava
Benny Lux
Irish Shlong
Ebony Ivory

50 Chump
50 Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Little late to the name game party:

Amanda Kissenhold

Everyone back to their cells

NotaMeanGirl
NotaMeanGirl
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

like I said–rape jokes are NEVER funny. never.

Skinwalker
Skinwalker
6 years ago
Reply to  NotaMeanGirl

Who says it’s going to be rape?

Weiner is a very horny sexually disordered individual with little self control when it comes to comnon sense.

Since he seems to be always on the lookout for satisfying his libido, I wouldn’t be surprised if he initiates prison sex.

No rape joke there.

Caroline Bowman
Caroline Bowman
6 years ago
Reply to  NotaMeanGirl

who’s being raped? These are prison names for men who enter into homosexual relationships whilst incarcerated. Of course rape is horrific and a problem in these situations, but a lot of what goes on is clearly very consensual… in which case Irish Schlong or Dick Weiner is entirely apposite.

Leavingthecrapbehind
Leavingthecrapbehind
6 years ago

Weiner is a sexual predator. Period….end of story. Voyeurs/exhibitionists are NOT harmless. In Fact Ted Bundy and other notorious sexual predators started out with “mere voyeuring/exhibitionism.

sara_esq
sara_esq
6 years ago

or perhaps Vaseline.

UXworld
UXworld
6 years ago

Or “Sidney Lathers.”

cheaterssuck
cheaterssuck
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Good one UXworld!

SuperDuperChump
SuperDuperChump
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

You are a genius. Ok, I’m in a 6th grade mood this morning….”Ben Dover”

KibbleFree_MightyMe
KibbleFree_MightyMe
6 years ago

Seymour Butts? ????

2nf Gen Chump
2nf Gen Chump
6 years ago

Oh, the second cousin of Hugh Jass?

NotaMeanGirl
NotaMeanGirl
6 years ago

sorry, rape jokes are never funny. full stop. even for slime creatures like…weiner. (shudder)

Marissachump
Marissachump
6 years ago
Reply to  NotaMeanGirl

This. Thank you!

sara_esq
sara_esq
6 years ago

me too! cannot stop giggling at today’s Post!!!!

Jgirl
Jgirl
6 years ago

“Better to get out early.” YEP.

The problem with chumps, I believe, is we wait for proof instead of getting out because of pure instinct. We wait for the numbers to add up, not wanting to “sentence an innocent”. And after all, we don’t have the cultural tools, most times, to navigate the realm of the disordered. So of course, being heart-warm people, we give the benefit of the doube (hello, spackle!).

Was I supposed to know, when my sobbing ex came to me “not knowing what to think about getting emotionally too close with a colleague at work that he found attractive” that he would go on to be a serial flirter in the workplace?

No, I couldn’t know because I can’t predict the future more than anyone else. So I went on to move in with him, restarting my life in a new city. But what I did know is I spackled over a red flag, because I didn’t like his logic at the time and would come to like it even less later. I could have gotten out earlier. I chose not to, as I had more reasons to shut my instincts up. Live and learn, I guess. It’s true that we only get out when it’s time for us to get out and not a minute sooner. Sad, though true.

We can only encourage people to recognize patterns, because until we know to look for those, I’m afraid we just keep piling on the signs never really knowing what to do with them (until you find hard proof, sure, but that typically comes much later).

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  Jgirl

We also stayed because we actually loved the assholes. We spackled and evaded learning the whole truth because we didn’t really want to believe that someone we loved could really be that horrible to us (and is some cases others). Also, we really meant our wedding vows and did our best to keep them (which doesn’t just mean staying, it means loving), which required a certain amount of not focusing on the negatives. I don’t think any of that makes us bad people. Most of us were pretty naïve so it wasn’t hard to believe that they wouldn’t really do whatever it was they were doing. Being naïve is something that it is good to get over, but being that way to begin with isn’t a character flaw of which to be ashamed.

slowtolearn
slowtolearn
6 years ago

Yup. The mistakes I made throughout my marriage were about being too loving, too trusting, too willing to overlook mistakes and give him multiple chances to live up to what I saw as his potential. Things were often stressful, but I tried to work on our issues. I did not lie, cheat, gaslight, discard, etc.

ChumpedTwice
ChumpedTwice
6 years ago
Reply to  Jgirl

JGirl,
Yes!! Exactly this!! My gut told me eons ago to leave, but I ignored it. On MULTIPLE occasions! And even after D-Day#1(which is actually D-Day#2), after a brief separation, I chose to let him back in. STUPID!! D-Day #2(actually #3), I FINALLY lawyered up. And the three months since my most recent D-Day has been hell. Meeting lawyer tomorrow afternoon and I can’t wait to find out when I’ll finally be free!

With that all said, the #1 thing I want my three daughters (16, 18 & 20) to learn from all of this is: GO WITH YOUR GUT!!! That they DO NOT NEED PROOF!! They do not need to explain a choice to anyone; that they only need to feel comfortable with it in their own mind.

Years ago, I read a book called The Gift of Fear by Gavin deBecker. Excellent book about gut instincts. It was more geared towards avoiding attacks, rapes, etc.; wish I would have made the connection to lying assholes and manipulators.

Jgirl
Jgirl
6 years ago
Reply to  ChumpedTwice

I remember the day in 2008 where I had run out on him in the middle of the night because he’d been physically violent (though not towards me) and asked my parents to drive 150 miles at 2 in the morning to pick me up.

The next day I was sitting at the very desk where I am typing now, it was early evening, I was about to eat an ice cream before he’d call me on the phone.
I accepted to discuss things over with him and remember thinking “if I go back to him, I am going to regret this”.

Almost a decade later, had I only trusted myself…
Of course one could say that hindsight is always 20/20, but we know now it’s not about that because the things we saw are actually connected in the psychological pattern of who they are.

I’m going to have to pick up that book…one thing this relationship also left me is fear for my well-being all around (being attacked, etc.). Of course, he’d mock that, what does a man know after all about being a woman in this world…

Soldiering On
Soldiering On
6 years ago
Reply to  Jgirl

I live alone, also. I have taken common sense steps to secure my lodgings and financial dealings. Good locks, a shredder for financial documents (and unsolicited mail offerings of credit cards), flip locks for inside of outer doors (can’t be unlocked from outside), secure fittings on windows. Battery operated distance alarms for garage area, proximity lights for approaching visitors, spare keys to trusted neighbors.

You can be safe without being paranoid. Do what you can, but don’t let yourself be overtaken by paranoia. It can turn you into a recluse, and you really don’t want to isolate yourself.

ANC
ANC
6 years ago
Reply to  Jgirl

Our instinct is to run asap. Our logic and disbelief keeps us tied to a cheater for ‘real proof’. CN also has very mighty chumps who listened to their gut first. Run first chumps, find answers later.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago
Reply to  ANC

Real proof? Your stomach hurts. You feel like you’re having a heart attack. You’re terrified. You can’t sleep.

That’s real proof that something is no good for you. It doesn’t matter what the jackass is doing. What matters is how what is going on in the relationship is killing you.

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

I had dreams where my then-husband was criticizing me, and I would open my mouth to defend myself, and nothing would come out. I wish I’d paid attention to my subconscious mind reminding me that I often felt helpless in my marriage.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

I dreamt I had a terminal illness and had picked a date to euthanize myself. I changed my mind at the last minuet and Ex seemed disappointed “well, if you’re sure that’s really what you want, I wouldn’t want to linger myself”. When I woke up it took me a few minutes to convince myself it was really a dream.

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago

How horrible, that even in your dreams you entertained the idea that your then-spouse wanted you to die.

slowtolearn
slowtolearn
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

I also had so many dreams about my husband — about him cheating on me, and then being unspeakably cruel to me, etc. I wish I had paid more attention to those dreams–my subconscious mind knew long before I was ready to face reality.

Natalia.B
Natalia.B
6 years ago
Reply to  slowtolearn

Just before my D-day I had dream that I was cornered and bitten by a huge rat which drew blood. How symbolic.

Now-I-Know-What-Hell-Looks-Like
Now-I-Know-What-Hell-Looks-Like
6 years ago
Reply to  Natalia.B

For me it was constant dreams about snakes pursuing me try in to sink their fangs into me. I tried desperately to get away from them. I would wake up crying and terrified.

Jgirl
Jgirl
6 years ago
Reply to  ANC

You’re absolutely right about the disbelief.

The human quest for safety leads us to refuse to believe that such characters exist, because it means having to recognize we are victims. To protect our self-esteem, we reject that notion. I know I did.

We want to believe the world is a good place and that we are deserving and we are simply scared by our illusions of monsters under the bed. Too bad the monsters here are ON the bed !!

Newlady15
Newlady15
6 years ago
Reply to  Jgirl

I hung around for 4 more years of abuse.. its common unfortunately

Trying for Mighty
Trying for Mighty
6 years ago
Reply to  ANC

Absolutely! “Run first, find answers later”!
When you say it’s our first instinct to run but we get tripped up by our logic and disbelief, you have described what I did to a “T.” At first, I said, “I want a divorce.” And meant it. Then I got drawn back in by the sad sausage fest. Almost two-and-a-half years of a roller coaster ride later, I am back to where I was at first. I saw a lawyer last Friday!

MyRedSandals
MyRedSandals
6 years ago
Reply to  Jgirl

Jgirl:

“I could have gotten out earlier. I chose not to, as I had more reasons to shut my instincts up. Live and learn, I guess. It’s true that we only get out when it’s time for us to get out and not a minute sooner.”

Couldn’t agree more… even when I saw the red flags flapping wildly in the swirling vortex, fear kept me rooted to the clusterfuck with a very long umbilical cord. I had to be ready to be done.

I’m waaaaay done now. Buh-bye!

Struggling
Struggling
6 years ago
Reply to  Jgirl

“Spackled over a red flag” Oh I love this phrase. Your whole post here just screams at me “that’s you, chump”. Indeed I spackled over Giant Red Flags with Loud Blaring Sirens very early in the relationship with the ex. I chose to see goodness in someone who doesn’t actually have goodness. That’s me, that’s my M.O. I am way too goddamn trusting. Now in my forties and dating, I can recognize those red flags. Chump Lady talked about seeing someone’s potential rather than their actual current self. Yup lol, I was doing that with a guy I was dating last year. I was thinking of him and what a great partner he would be if he would just get over these giant character flaws.

For me, recognizing my tendency to be attracted to assholes is just the beginning of change I need to make in myself. It’s not enough to recognize red flags and recognize that I am attracted to assholes. I need to get to “Attracted to Nice People” land. Anyone know where I can catch that bus? Lol.

(Chump Lady, you are so goddamn funny. Love reading anything you write. Thanks for being you!)

Jgirl
Jgirl
6 years ago
Reply to  Struggling

I thought nothing when he smugly told me, quite early on, that at age 4 he had nailed (with an actual nail) the hand of a fellow kindergartener to a desk, in a rage. His mom had defended him with the teachers in classic abuser form “well the other child must have done something to provoke that!”. I thought nothing when he told me he almost went to prostitutes one night to retaliate on his ex. I thought nothing when he got furious and fought for composure when I told him innocently that another guy had asked for my phone number. I could see his darkness, though I couldn’t name it, as revelead in a fictional short story I wrote at the time, which was entirely autobiographic. I saw everything and still decided to follow him into destruction.

He was in his early 20’s at the time, I thought he was just immature. I’m a BIG believer in the potential of self-growth, apparently !!!
But also, I knew on some level I was waiting for years for us to reach the dead end just so I could tell him “see? there’s something wrong with this”.

In my case, only better self-esteem, a non-dysfunctional family, and less previous emotional trauma would have prevented all this. Or maybe someone looking out for me or access to resources like CL. But better rescued late than never.

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago
Reply to  Jgirl

Yet another very relatable post. I remember not feeling as strongly about him in the beginning of our relationship but I didn’t want to hurt his feelings and I turned it into it must be me that’s wrong because he loves me so much. I still take all the blame! ( he blames me but I am realizing that it is not all me). It will be a long road as far as trusting my own judgement.

KathleenK
KathleenK
6 years ago
Reply to  Jgirl

Jgirl, I love that you are only 33 years old – age is so relative and you may feel quite old, but to the rest of us in our 50’s it feels like you have a world of possibility and happiness in front of you. You have wonderful insights and with the help of a good therapist (or without their help), you will get where you want to go. I always suggest the therapist because I have had such good luck with mine and love the boost to my personal growth that she gives me. Good luck!

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
6 years ago
Reply to  Jgirl

Jgirl, you are a gifted writer. Thanks for your post.

Jgirl
Jgirl
6 years ago
Reply to  FindingBliss

Thank you, that’s very sweet of you! You actually made my day with this comment *sheepish grin* 🙂 glad to be of service!

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
6 years ago
Reply to  Jgirl

Agreed.
Of course many of us are so messed up we don’t have a gut instinct to trust.
Educating is the key.

violet
violet
6 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

And the gas lighting can truly make you crazy. I knew OW was batshit crazy, but X was so good at convincing me he did, too. I will never again mistrust my gut instincts.

But for me, now, is the reality that I can’t trust anyone. I was married my entire adult life and I thought I knew my husband, but I knew nothing. How can I ever trust another person again? It is something I struggle with every single day and, unfortunately, there seem to be so many people who can’t be trusted!

When everything was a lie, how can I know what the truth was? I think that is one reason many of us get caught up in “knowing the truth.” Then, we think we can avoid being chumped again.

I have a good life, now, with grown children who love me and would do anything for me. But ever seeking another mate? I just don’t see it. I love to read here about people who have found love after betrayal. For me, though, it feels that part of my life is over.

lyndaloo
lyndaloo
6 years ago
Reply to  violet

Violet, I feel exactly the same way. Married for almost 40 years, thought I knew the man and accepted him warts and all, as that’s what I thought love was about. Perhaps it’s an she thing; but I just don’t see myself ever trusting another man again. My life is good, wonderful family, supportive friends and enough money to live comfortably. At 72 the thought of hooking up again with another possible cheater (how do you really know, like I say 40 years of lying and not a word) or some high maintenance guy; is the furthest thing from my mind. When I look at the relationships of some friends and acquaintances it almost always the women who are catering to these old farts. I know many here will say, there are many wonderful older men out there; but, I think at my age they are either looking for a nurse or a purse and I’m not interested in either role. Here’s to older single mighty women!

violet
violet
6 years ago
Reply to  lyndaloo

I am laughing out loud! “A nurse or a purse”. I have never heard it better put. Thank you for reminding me that being single has its advantages, especially for those of us of a certain age! I may be handling shit alone, but at least I control the remote.

Survivor
Survivor
6 years ago
Reply to  lyndaloo

To all of you fine chumps who wonder how you will ever trust again,

Once you reclaim your life and your self, and you are in a good, safe and happy place, you just might. It takes a while to rebuild your foundation, and to trust yourself, which has to come first. So never say never, my friends. Nothing is more attractive than a person who is confident and competent, and by the end of this exercise each and every former chump will have those attributes by the truckload. After leaping those tall buildings, you’ll be able to see those snakes in the grass. You don’t just need to trust that cheaters suck. You also need to trust that you are mighty!

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago
Reply to  violet

I trust myself. I trust myself to pay attention now. To now a narcissist and/or a disordered person when I see one. To be able to walk away without a qualm, even if it hurts. To be able to take care of myself so I don’t invest my whole life in another person (because then I disappear…). I trust myself.

Tessie
Tessie
6 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

Same here. I know I will always land on my feet, because, like most of us chumps, I survived some bad shit, and built a healthier life on the other side. We are the definition of resilient!

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

I agree; I trust myself to have a zero tolerance policy for deception or lack of openness.

Chickynot
Chickynot
6 years ago
Reply to  violet

Yes. This. Even though through my entire marriage I never TRULY trusted my husband (and perhaps as a result was not as blindsided/unprepared to leave as many here), it’s discouraging to have my poor faith in human (male at least) nature confirmed. I hope I’m wrong but I can’t see myself ever wanting to be married again.

Jgirl
Jgirl
6 years ago
Reply to  violet

I feel the same way right now. It’s really early for me (5 months out, but I was dragging my feet for at least two years) and I’m 33, so also at a crossroads because on the one hand I feel like I’ve lived that part of life already (though I haven’t, since an ex cheater is all I got from it), on the other I know I have only a few years to try the “married cycle” again: boyfriend turns husband, have kids, etc. But I know how I operate in grief and I don’t see myself being ready for an evolved relationship for many years yet. And by that time it might be kind of late.

I’m with you in not knowing how to ever trust someone again like that. I remember clearly the kind of naiveté it takes to accept the risk of being hurt. It makes sense when you have that type of energy and don’t have our kind of experience. I feel like it’s a chance I exhausted. Maybe a new, healthy relationship will come with positive signs that you can trust, rather than absence of red flags. The truth is, I can’t fathom what that would even look like.

The only way I tell myself it might work is to be in a position where financially, logistically, etc. I could get out in a blink of an eye (not being financially independent is what kept me stuck longer), so that at least all I’d have is a loss to mourn – rather grief on top of being homeless, jobless, carless, which is what I was when I got out.
But yeah, it’s a disheartened view of romance. I don’t know that it can be restored, it looks like for some it is.

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  Jgirl

A widower friend of mine found true love in his 70s, with a widow (also in her 70s). It can happen.

CalamityJane
CalamityJane
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest, my girlfriend, a widow age 69, just married a gentleman, 72. They met when I went on Match.com looking for men to invite to her dinner parties. She insisted I try it out because she was having such success at meeting fascinating fellows.

I found this professor with an interesting background and set up a time to meet for drinks. I brought her along because she was closer to him in age and it was for her dinner parties.

It was kismet. She dropped the two men she was seeing, they dated, moved in together, married. Both feel like they are in their twenties.

He is no prince and she is no princess, but that is all they see when they look at each other.

StarStuffGoddess
StarStuffGoddess
6 years ago
Reply to  CalamityJane

I met my Beloved when he was in his early 60’s and I was in my late 50s.
Yes. It can happen!

Another friend of ours lost his wife of many decades to cancer about two years ago. He’s in his 80s.
He’s a charming, funny, well-respected man, very loved in his community.
I’d say he was only on his own about a year before he started turning up with a new companion, about his age, who obviously adores him.
They are currently “living in sin” and good for them! They seem very happy together and I think they both know that real love and support is even sweeter when you think you’re past all that stuff.

I think good people who have something real to offer will always be in demand. Just look at all the trash out there. Let them have each other!

As Frank Sinatra says: “Love is lovelier, the second time around…”

I couldn’t agree more.

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  CalamityJane

What a heartwarming story, Calamity! The most important for a true love (not the twu wuv our cheaters had with their APs) is acceptance & adoration of the other person. May we all get that one day.

Newlady15
Newlady15
6 years ago
Reply to  Jgirl

Take heart I am 57 married for 36 years and in a new relationship with a good man–not perfect but good. Right now he is nursing me after surgery including taking care of drains I have.. I will proceed cautiously and he has said the same to me but I feel loved and cherished..

KathleenK
KathleenK
6 years ago
Reply to  Newlady15

Love to hear this Newlady15! Hope you heal quickly from your surgery.

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago
Reply to  violet

So with you too Violet. I now see gaslighting did to me. The smallest decisions are mountains. I am constantly aware that I defer to others on even the most mindless decisions. I am so proud of myself these days as I learn to make decisions as seemingly trivial as what to have for dinner and what to wear. I just had no idea this was happening. Spackle is so powerful.

I, too, still cannot see myself with anyone else. I still have the feeling that I made a commitment for life and it would seem like a betrayal. I am still not divorced yet,however , so maybe in the future this will change. I am fine by myself for now and I am grateful for my children and my friends but I do hope that maybe someday I will get to experience real love . If not, I believe in the world to come.

Who knows, if Huma is a victim of gaslighting and/or possibly she is a narc as well based on the outfit. It certainly looks like she may like to draw attention to herself. She is better off without the narc but it still hurts based on my experience so I will cut her some slack.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

I can see what you mean on the decision making. There were so many times when I let him take the lead because he seemed to want to only to later have him complain that he had to do everything for me. I never made him do anything for me, I let him do things for me or for the family when he wanted to have it his way. Just another case of he gets his way and still finds a way to complain.

Several months after he had moved out and I had gotten used to doing things for myself again, we went to the bank to take care of some joint business. Our daughter went too as she had some banking of her own she needed to do. When we walked in and went over to the help desk, I was about to tell the people behind the counter what we needed and daughter was about to say what she needed, but before either one of could say anything, ex jumped in and took over telling them what we all needed. It’s like he didn’t trust either of us to get it right if he let us talk. It struck me then, “wow, was it always like this when we were together? Was he always taking over like that?” Then I remembered other similar incidents. He was the one who found the job posting for my current job. He filled out the on-line application for me and then sprung me with the news when I got home. I did continue to pursue the job because it was a good fit, but he even wanted to update my resume for me. At the time I said “thanks but no thanks, but I might let you look it over when I am done”. I mean really, I know how to put together a decent resume on my own and I felt a bit insulted that he thought he would have to do that for me. He didn’t do everything for me so much as he didn’t let me do anything for myself and I gave up trying after a while just to keep the peace. For him to then use that as an excuse to be unhappy in his marriage is just another example of how/why he is an insensitive jerk.

LilyBart
LilyBart
6 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

Let’s give Huma a break. When I was in the midst of separating from my narcissistic, gaslighting ex, I cheered myself up with a new hair style, new clothes, whatever made me feel empowered. I’m not especially narcissistic — I was just celebrating being able to focus on myself for a change. I needed to pump myself up however I could.

If Huma wants to get a giant afro perm and platform shoes, she gets to make that call. Nobody- not Anthony, not us, get to make that call for her.

ZHUCHI
ZHUCHI
6 years ago
Reply to  LilyBart

Haha! Yes. Funnily enough, before I met ex, I was always a pretty wild dresser and always had a different colour in my hair. Over time his snide remarks or comments framed as being “for my own good”, made me tone all that down until I was so freaking “beige” and run of the mill that I didn’t recognise myself anymore. Psychologically and emotionally I didn’t recognise myself and I didn’t recognise the bland plain jane in the mirror either.

I never threw my left of centre outfits away, just packed them up in boxes. One of the first things I did post separation was drag them all out and hang them up. Started to tentatively wear them but by bit until I felt my mojo come back. I know that woman in the mirror now. Even if she is older, fatter and more wrinkley than before!!!

Cancer Chump
Cancer Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

I just had this conversation with my therapist last night. Ex is on to his 3 OW since he left the house 9 months ago. We are not divorced. He has done no work to try to divorce me. I know that we do not have a relationship. The love part of our relationship was probably never there. All we actually have is the legal part. Yet, I feel guilty for even talking to another man on a dating site.

My therapist told me that there is no reason for me to feel guilty. The emotional, love part of the relationship was severed long ago. The legal aspect (money) is still being honored. And I am working towards dissolving the legal tie.

I also STILL blame myself for a lot of what went wrong in the relationship. The gaslighting does that to you. After 8 years of being told you are the problem, you are crazy, you are understanding things wrong…it takes a lot to actually believe you are none of those things. Part of why it is so hard to accept that is that they will never take accountability to what they did to you. I will never get a real apology. I will never learn the whole truth. All trust for me has been destroyed and I find it hard to trust in anythingm even that they suck.

Intothelight
Intothelight
6 years ago
Reply to  Cancer Chump

Cancer Chump, all I can tell you is my experience. I am a two-time cancer survivor so I am terrified of being alone when/if it recurs. I had been with Cheater for most of my adult life. But! D Day in May, got recommendations from trustworthy friends and family and met with a good lawyer two days later, filed in June. The legal process is very official and scary. What a hard first few weeks. I was almost nonfunctional. But now I feel like I am emerging from a dark basement. No more trying to connect the dots. No more asking myself why am I such a suspicious hag. No more wondering why it takes him 4 hours to go to the supermarket. It did happen. My suspicions have been validated. Infidelity is abusive and I will not allow myself to be a victim of that abuse any more. I will model what Mighty looks like for my daughter. I can focus on what I like, play my music, spend time with my supportive friends and family, every day more grateful that Cheater will slowly drift off the horizon into my past. All because I worked up the courage to cut that negative influence out of my life. My husband didn’t do the work to divorce me – I cared enough about myself to do it myself.

PianoMom
PianoMom
6 years ago
Reply to  violet

Violet, your comments resonate with me! Lately I’ve been thinking about how our past experiences can’t help but shape our future selves. Yes, I know, we have a choice and we can “re-frame”, etc. etc. But, it’s very hard for me not to be guarded and suspicious now, or maybe the better word is cynical. Not entirely…someone at church said to me that it appeared I was still the open, transparent, honest person they remembered me as, but yeah, that might still be me, but my interest or desire to be in an intimate, day-in, day-out relationship has been killed. I think, before I was married, I idealized it all, and the reality that I experienced with my ex (true, due to my faulty picker) really sucked. I lost myself to a fool. So, in order to avoid drama, sabotage, pain, conflict, waste of time and energy in the years I have left on this earth, I’m ‘reframing’ my being single – cultivating gratitude for the peace I have personally, the close relationships I have with my kids and good friends, my work and the time/health I have to pursue my own interests. That’s enough.

Onwards
Onwards
6 years ago
Reply to  PianoMom

This is so well put PianoMom ” order to avoid drama, sabotage, pain, conflict, waste of time and energy in the years I have left on this earth, I’m ‘reframing’ my being single – cultivating gratitude for the peace I have personally, the close relationships I have with my kids and good friends, my work and the time/health I have to pursue my own interests.”
Writing out this as a reminder to appreciate ‘gaining a life’. Just coming up to a year from DD and it’s been a year of pain, growth and the necessity to move forward as strongly and positively as possible. CL and CN wisdom like this really helps thank you.

PianoMom
PianoMom
6 years ago
Reply to  Onwards

Onwards, wishing you the best as you recover and re-discover yourself. When I first came to CL and CN, I heard others say, “It gets better,” but I had a hard time believing it. The daily encouragement I got by hearing everyone’s stories and experiences has pushed me gradually toward “meh.” (Still not quite there yet, but light years away from where I was in 2013).

Still I Rise
Still I Rise
6 years ago
Reply to  violet

Hi Violet,

I can completely relate to so much of what you said, especially about not being able to trust anyone. I don’t know how to resolve these feelings, and I too consider that having a significant other to love is forever only going to a part of my past as I am too fearful to consider it in the future.

In addition to the massive trust issues I have which were forged by the revelation of my husband’s betrayal, there have been residual effects which have surfaced causing me to lose several people who’ve been pivotal players in the bulk (if not all) of my adult life just as he had been since my husband and I began our relationship in our late teens (and we’re now in our forties). Switzerland friends and relatives who had to be cast aside for my own health and sanity are still sorely missed. Whereas my husband deliberately chose to reinvent his whole life and social circle and had time to put it all in place prior to the big discard, I was completely blindsided by his infidelity and abandonment and am feeling forced to create a new life which I didn’t even want as I thought ours together was really wonderful.

I’m told that I’m better off now and “time heals all wounds”, etc. but it doesn’t feel that way. Lately, I’m stuck in a toxic state of belief that I was the best “me” I’ve ever been and ever will be by being with my husband and that without him I am absolutely nothing. I know that the grief cycle ebs and flows and is not a linear process, but it just hurts so badly to feel so worthless and not even know who I am anymore. (I’m certainly not living up to my screenname either when I’m in this state of mind).

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  Still I Rise

You were and still are the best you. He was the worst him, you just didn’t know it. His abandonment really has nothing to do with you. You could have been anybody and he would have done the exact same thing. He is the one who is worthless and eventually the truth will come out. There are probably more people than you know out there who recognize him for the POS he is and feel bad for you but they just don’t know you well enough to approach you to let you know it.

ZHUCHI
ZHUCHI
6 years ago

I agree with the comment about more people than we know who see them for what they are.

It does suck when some people we cared about are still persuaded by the ex’s superficial dazzle. But I think that says a lot about them and their deficits in character assessment. They are chumps waiting to happen themselves. Or disordered themselves.

Only this week I have bumped in to four different people I haven’t seen since the split. None of them knew. All of them said things along the lines of: “if I can speak frankly, I always thought he was a selfish prick with no substance.” That’s really validating because I’m not putting words in to their mouths. But they saw him for what he was.

I met his daughter for dinner (not my daughter) and while I refuse to discuss him ever (no contact = he no longer exists), she said one fleeting comment about how she merely tolerated him because it was easier but a very unlikeable man when the shine wears off.

We are our best selves now! Single, strong, independent and pushing on. We may not feel it, but as CL says: pay attention to what people do, not what they say, and if we pay attention to what WE are doing, we are all of us being pretty amazing people. X

violet
violet
6 years ago
Reply to  Still I Rise

I think it also comes to the surface for me when I have other losses/stressors in my life. Like so many, throughout the southeast and the Caribbean, my daughter’s home (that I own because of the divorce decree-complicated) was essentially destroyed. My home was also damaged, and I am having to negotiate with all the insurance companies, fight to get money to rebuild and find reputable contractors. And I feel guilty about complaining because I have a home and insurance, etc!

In the meantime my very narcissistic mother is under my care and my X is terminally ill (he has has a severe medical condition for years). Everywhere I turn, I am required to be strong and yet, I feel as through I have no one to be strong for me. And then, I again feel guilty because people died and are dying as we speak of the effects of Harvey, Irma, and Marie!

I have tried so hard to heal. I have tried so hard to be strong and look for the positive in everything my entire life. I truly have never felt so alone in my life. So yes, for me trust is a huge issue, one that I cannot seem to break through. On good days I can shine it on. On bad days, it is everything I can do to get up, go to work at a very demanding and stressful job, and get through the day. And I do not think I will ever trust anyone enough to ever again expect anyone to share my burdens. For me, that is the legacy of X’s infidelity.

Tessie
Tessie
6 years ago
Reply to  violet

Hugs, Violet. You have a lot on your plate Girlfriend. We all get tired sometimes. I know that feeling of being on ones own, no one to lean on. It seems as we get older we become the matriarch and are seen as the nurturer, the rock, the one our family depends on through thick and thin. Sadly, it seems sometimes, when we need to lean, there is no one there.

I was raised by two personality disordered people. I was carefully taught to ask nothing of anyone….to expect nothing. I was ripe for the picking with the two cheaters I married. Now having been single for a good long time, I have found myself, grown a sense of personhood so to speak. As I have let go of old conditioning, more and more friends have fallen by the wayside. Dang if a lot of them were disordered. The healthier I have gotten, the less use I have been, hence the discard.

Like you, I am not trusting of very many people, and the circle has just gotten smaller. All we can do is bring our troubles here where folks care, and keep on stepping. Hang in there my friend, I will keep you in my prayers.

violet
violet
6 years ago
Reply to  Tessie

Tessie, this is my comfort place and you, Tracy and so many others here give me strength. Yes, I do I have IRL friends, and they support me. But you folks understand what I am feeling (and why) and that helps me persevere . I do accept the “strong woman” mantel and perhaps it is time I step beyond that role. Thanks for the kind words, all of CN. I got to read the kind comments after work and it really brightened my day.

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  Tessie

Tessie,
Every time I read one of your posts I gain strength.
I am aware of your story and I admire how you reach out to help others.
I am so sorry for your tragic loss of your son. You honour his memory as you reach out to help and encourage others.
The recent past months have been very heavy for personal tragic loss and subsequent serious medical concerns for my grandchildren.
I am usually a very strong person. When I feel myself falter I think of you, Tessie, I seriously do, and I continue to breath, be thankful for each day and help each of my precious loved one the best that I possibly can.
I have been wanting to say, thank you, for being the very special person you are.

Dear Violet,
I hope and pray for the best for you and your children.
I read your posts and I also admire your strength.

(((((Many many hugs for Violet and Tessie and all Chumps))))

❤️
Peacekeeper

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  violet

I’m sorry, Violet, about the abundant trials you are being burdened with. It’s not the pain Olympics–yes, other people have it worse (no home, no insurance), but you are still suffering from substantial tribulations. I hope you and your daughter can get your houses re-built to take one set of troubles off your plate. And I hope you have friends who can be strong for you some days.

That Is Not A Thing
That Is Not A Thing
6 years ago
Reply to  violet

Oh, Violet. That is such a heavy, heavy load to bear alone. I wish I could buy you a cup of coffee and sit with you and give you just one real life moment of levity and support. Your burdens are real, no matter what is going on in the world. A deeply betrayed friend of mine, whose ex is denying her medical care for her pre-existing condition of breast cancer, says brightly and with a grim smile, “At least I’m not in Syria!”. Accessing that perspective may help some, but truly, your suffering is YOUR suffering. And it sucks. I’m sorry.

Jgirl
Jgirl
6 years ago
Reply to  Still I Rise

I totally understand the feeling of “being someone better” when you perceived someone had your back.

It’s a parental fail to not have given you that feeling of being whole by standing on your two legs. It’s not your fault to look for that in others now. You’re human and you need that security like everyone else. The part that sucks, I agree, is that we are left to give that to ourselves. The mind struggles because it is unnatural, after all. It’s basic safety that should have come from others, early in our life, and simply didn’t.

You might want to look into attachment theory (Bowlby’s original, steering clear of Dr. Sears and his kind).

I hope you have yourself one day.
After all, we are the only person we do have to spend our whole life with!

Differently Chumped
Differently Chumped
6 years ago
Reply to  Jgirl

Thank you for this, Jgirl. Today I needed to hear the “it’s not your fault” part.

I just happened upon a transcript of an IM from a couple years ago. I read it through different eyes this time and wow, I can really be manipulative when I’m threatened.

Not sure I even know how not to be manipulative. It is the only kind of relational discourse I have ever known.

No matter my childhood I am still responsible for my words/actions as an adult. But learning Love as a second language is HARD. So I try to give myself grace.

Jgirl
Jgirl
6 years ago

I haven’t been the perfect partner either, because of all the dysfunctional survival mechanism I had learned. But I always had a sense that I was reacting to circumstances, not provoking them.
Of course, that’s also what abusers think, but I think the big difference is we always put ourselves under the microscope. We question our behavior, we want to make sure we do better. They never ask themselves any of those questions. Their implied answer is that their way is always best, simply because it’s theirs. We would never think this way and that’s why we can outgrow any abusive patterns we may have been carrying, they will not be able to.

This also happened in my relationship. Six years ago we were at a crossroads where we both were not showing the commitment needed. I thought we were both scared to get close to one another (I was, and perhaps with good reason!), but after opening up to him, for me growth followed and my bond to him deepened. He went completely the other way, and failed to tell me. And even today, he doesn’t choose to do right by me, he perseveres in his abusive ways, even defends them.
That’s the difference between a cheater and a chump.

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago
Reply to  Still I Rise

“Switzerland friends and relatives who had to be cast aside for my own health and sanity are still sorely missed.”

I am there now! It is something I don’t want to do but they just don’t get it so you have to. I am feeling, however , that they want to think they are Switzerland but Switzerland is a myth. If he would lie and cheat on his wife, do they really think he wouldn’t do that to them. Secondly, I wonder if he had beaten me before walking out if they would feel any different.

Patsy
Patsy
6 years ago
Reply to  Still I Rise

Totally get you, Rise.

Its been ten years for me, and only now do I believe I am ‘someone’ again.

Have faith, one day at a time,

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YKn_yvtE480

MightyChris
MightyChris
6 years ago
Reply to  Patsy

Thats really & genuinely interesting.

I feel I need to post this as the usual discourse here is cheaters = narcissists. My cheating STBX is an empath, through and through. She still exhibited all the usual behaviours; gaslighting, etc. But not a narc. 100% sure of that.

Now, I had myself tested – ‘high in healthy narcissism’, ‘average in unhealthy narcissism’. So, in terms of the average population, I’m about the same as anyone else, except for when it comes to self esteem, etc where I think highly of myself! ????

Now, I am sure, confident, that I was able to form a healthy, loving relationship with my ex wife. I did stuff for her that would ‘fill her heart with joy’, etc – it was not a one way flow.

It occurs to me that maybe she was drawn to my high level of healthy narcissism. Shortly before her affair, my self esteem took some hard knocks. And maybe during this time, I got “out narc’d”. Maybe by a full blown narcissist.

So maybe the ‘all cheaters are narcs’ discourse works in a lot of cases, but I suspect it’s also somewhat dangerous to be with an empath – they are vulnerable, after a period of time where a relationship loses the freshness perhaps, to ‘falling in love’ with someone else – someone more narcissistic than you. And all it takes is for you to have a little down period and suddenly the office narc looks mightily more attractive.

Kimhopes
Kimhopes
6 years ago
Reply to  Patsy

Patsy, thank you SO MUCH for posting that video. Just had an experience of thinking someone liked me more than they do (not romantically, invited them to something my friends and I are going to only to hear them bag me out afterwards). Also explained the behaviour of a narcissist I know (miraculously I had the insight before the video that he acts a certain way because I react a certain way). I am the empath as described on the video. Really fantastic to have that insight into myself.

TKO
TKO
6 years ago
Reply to  Patsy

Patsy thanks for sharing this video. His are some of the best I have seen on the inner workings of empaths, and the one on childhood origins of narcissism is maybe the clearest summary of that subject I have seen or read.

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago

Interesting how the video clip you linked to (which did not show Huma’s groovy pants) focused on how Weiner hurt himself and May have cost Clinton the presidency. (In his defense, she had a myriad of problems that can’t be pinned on pervert man) but absolutely ZIP on his hurting the actual 15 year old girl.

Typical

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

The article has the pants… the video clip does not.

I Didn’t articulate that very well.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Yeah. On my end, the page was so ad-heavy (like most are now, grrr…) that it took about 90 seconds for all of the images to load.

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago

And I like the pants. I’d totally wear them with my Five Finger Dearh Punch T-shirt…

But then Mr. Twatwaffles isn’t a high profile dude, either. So there’s that…

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
6 years ago
Reply to  Sunflower36

And I’d be wearing my ear cuffs with them too. I love bell bottoms and I embroidered mine back in the 70s. LOL, finally found some just like last year, minus the embroidery

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago

DEATH Punch…
Geez… coffee please….

Whatringofhellisthis
Whatringofhellisthis
6 years ago

I feel like Weiner has shame and not remorse for his actions. Shame comes from egotism and remorse comes from morality. I view Weiner’s crying coming from feeling public shame and not from remorse. This is how I am now sorting out my feelings about what my stbx is saying to me. Is he feeling shame because i reported him and now everyone knows that he’s a lying cheating abusive scumbag…? or does he feel guilty for what he has done to me? He had no issue doing horrible things to me in our marriage. Even when i was broken down on the floor he never let up. Everytime I analyze his statements it’s always coming from shame. Its sickening. How the consequences of his actions have caused him “pain” and how he is a victim and everyone knows because I told others. So apparently it’s my actions at the very end to protect myself that are the issue. There’s nothing to work with. He’s just a crying npd bag of shame.

Soldiering On
Soldiering On
6 years ago

Yeah. He’s not sorry he hurt you with his actions. He’s only sorry he got caught. And next is extreme anger at being exposed. NC all the way.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago

The ex doesn’t feel bad for leaving me. He thinks he did the right thing. He feels bad because he left me and still isn’t happy. What’s with that? He keeps changing his external environment to make himself happy and it keeps not working out. He never regrets the actions he takes, however. That would be admitting to poor decision making skills on his part and he’s perfect after all.

Soldiering On
Soldiering On
6 years ago

My son was always up to his neck in problems (never his fault, of course). I finally told him to look within; “Wherever you go, there you are”. You can’t change your life just by changing your location. He’s almost 5 y.o., and it doesn’t appear that he has gotten this message yet.

Soldiering On
Soldiering On
6 years ago
Reply to  Soldiering On

OOPS! that’s 50 years old! Yow!

Differently Chumped
Differently Chumped
6 years ago
Reply to  Soldiering On

Soldiering on,
I did not realize “5” was a typo and it made me crack up! It is the perfect description of a 5 year old. I thought your post was a witty/ dry humored way of comparing cheaters to 5 year olds. It works!

Soldiering On
Soldiering On
6 years ago
Reply to  Soldiering On

OOPS! that’s 50 years old!

pregnant chump
pregnant chump
6 years ago

Mine will admit that he made decisions that were not perfect but they are always blamed on something someone else has done before hand. Saying that I’m not really sure his motivations for anything because of his love of lying over anything else. I’m not sure what is real and not in the whole time we were together.

pregnant chump
pregnant chump
6 years ago

Friends and family assume that he feels guilty for what he did to me. I haven’t seen anything that shows he feels guilty. Since he made a mistake (cheating,leaving and falling in love) it was after all my faults that led to these things . He’s not likely to take any responsibility. They just can’t understand how someone could do this sort of thing and not feel bad.

Sausalito
Sausalito
6 years ago

whatring, I think you hit the nail on the head. The shame and embarrassment that come from being outed as a liar/cheater/all-around asshole is waaaaaay different from feeling actual remorse for his/her actions. So in most cases, the tears are about the consequences, not actually feeling bad for someone else, which is a capacity these people just don’t have.

ANC
ANC
6 years ago

https://youtu.be/SrDSqODtEFM

Yup. Shame is not remorse.

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago

I doubt it’s even shame. At least that would be something. No, I think it’s all an act. Pour out some crocodile tears to make it look like your sorry for whatever.

Bullshit. All an act…

FUNR
FUNR
6 years ago
Reply to  Sunflower36

It’s about putting on the act to *appear* remorseful in order to AVOID PUNISHMENT by hopefully garnering sympathy.

Whatringofhellisthis
Whatringofhellisthis
6 years ago
Reply to  Sunflower36

Or that! It is probably all an act. All of them.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago

A-dubs asked the judge for a chance to prove is recovery is real. If he truly understood his “recovery”, he would understand that not nearly enough time has gone by for him (or anyone else) to be anywhere near certain of that.

Besides, it’s not “recovery” he needs to achieve. He’ll never stop feeling sexually attracted to children. The thing he needs to achieve (to make the rest of the world safe from him) is a management plan for his severe mental illness, a plan that includes a series of lifelong checks and balances that will prevent him from harming more children.

He’s sobbing because he doesn’t want the consequences of his crime, not because he is sure he has suddenly become repaired. Full-on narc fest.

He sexted children with his own child right next to him in his care. How can he raise his head and ask a court for mercy? Simple — he’s not concerned about who he has harmed. He’s only concerned about his own interests.

ANC
ANC
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Weirdly in the printed statement, he only admits to the ONE act of Pedo with only that particular child victim.

Sociopath rule #4,657,167 : if busted by clear evidence of crime, only admit to what you are being accused. (I guess this works with all criminals per advice of their legal. However, Wiener’s wiener crimes against youth are much more extensive.

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  ANC

This is spot-on. The iceberg is deep with this asshole.

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

And the video clip reinforces how he harmed himself and his “future.” The idea is completely reinforced by the narrative everywhere.

kiwichump
kiwichump
6 years ago
Reply to  Sunflower36

Yes, Sunflower!
What bothers me about all these “harming yourself”‘ comments is that the media and everyone around me below a certain age (say 45) seems to believe that this is the real problem with these behaviours. They are bad because they are harming you, not because of what you are doing to innocent people. So the argument to try to convince people to do the right thing is that you should do the right thing because it benefits you. This is all so egocentric.
Isn’t the point of being a social species that we all need to do the right thing to benefit all of us? All this me, me, me, just reinforces selfishness as the goal.

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago
Reply to  Sunflower36

Yes and I don’t think anyone can completely define the complicated formula for becoming an entitled narcissist (there are probably multiple), but I am now convinced that once an entitled narc, always an entitled narc. Recovery- bullshit, repairing the mask- possibly, until it slips again.

nomar
nomar
6 years ago

These events also show how consequences fall upon chumps who reconcile with a known cheater, as well as upon the cheater him/herself. Huma knew, as the whole world knew, how rotten and sick Weiner was when she took him back–and started in a movie with him in part about their reconciliation. Lord knows why she did it, but she is a cautionary new chumps would do well to heed.

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago
Reply to  nomar

She followed in Clintons footsteps who gave her own husband a pass and was rewarded with being voted Senator and then appointed Secretary of State.

Individual mileage seems to vary.

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago
Reply to  Sunflower36

I seriously doubt humanwould have left him had criminal charges not been filed. He then became dead weight to her instead of a asset to her own ambition.

I don’t believe she’s a victim anymore than he is. Same with Clinton. If Bill had been criminally charged at the same point in his career for assaulting any of those women, she’d have stepped in his head as he was sinking to get away from him and being collateral damage. As it was… he carried political clout in a decade where he could still get away with that shit… and she was complicit with that behavior because it bouyed her ambition.

Huma’s no different.

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  Sunflower36

I really hate for us to dump on people who themselves have not cheated nor engaged in pedophila acts, but are chumps. We do not know the motives of Hillary nor Huma, but we do know the mindfuck they were subject to, while having to navigate their pain in the public eye.

To say that H & H stayed for career moves, when so many people on this site also reconciled with their cheater, is unjustified.

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Correct Tempest, I raise my hand to the call for those who did not want to admit they were chumps, alone, blind, naive, statusless, cornutos, losers, etc. when we are being cheated on.

Tessie
Tessie
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Same here, plus, I wonder if Huma’s culture of origin has anything to do with taking cheater hubby back. There are some cultures that really brainwash the women and girls that they are nothing without a man and have to put up with anything to stay married. I would think that kind of lifelong conditioning would be tough to get past.

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago
Reply to  Tessie

Huma’s plenty without a man.

PutAForkInMe
PutAForkInMe
6 years ago
Reply to  Sunflower36

Agreed. We all are whole individuals without a man or woman…the problem is that some of us don’t have the feelings of self-worth, be it because of FOO issues or because a jerk has brainwashed us to believe otherwise, and don’t think we can stand on our own two feet and demand better. I have no idea what went on behind closed doors in that marriage, but I do know that even if others from the outside looking in think someone has it together way too much to take the abuse doesn’t necessarily mean that the individual experiencing the abuse has enough self-awareness and value to feel the same.

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Agree 100% Tempest. A chump is a chump, regardless of social status.

Kellia
Kellia
6 years ago
Reply to  Sunflower36

Very well said Sunflower. I couldn’t agree more with your assessment.

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago
Reply to  Sunflower36

Human would have… fat fingers…

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Oh… sorry. I thought we were talking about cheaters and chumps.

IIWII
IIWII
6 years ago
Reply to  Sunflower36

I don’t think Sunflower36 brought politics to the group. She simply mentioned if he had charges brought against him rather than just “simple” infidelity she would have left.

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago
Reply to  Sunflower36

Fuckin spell check…

NotaMeanGirl
NotaMeanGirl
6 years ago
Reply to  Sunflower36

quit with the politics. Bill Clinton assault? right wing garbage lies. cut it out.

sara_esq
sara_esq
6 years ago

i would rock the shit out of those pants. With my “Straight Out of Saudi Arabia” T shirt. (I actually grew up there).

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
6 years ago
Reply to  sara_esq

maybe Tracy will retract the pants thing, they are cool!

chutesandladdders
chutesandladdders
6 years ago

How’s ole Esther Perel going to spin this news? Is Weiner going to “…experience a sense of aliveness and vitality in [his] relationships…” in PRISON?

Oh, how this made my DAY! Fucking pedophile.

Free Vix
Free Vix
6 years ago

Esther Perel would likely condemn him while claiming that he’s an outlier, much like she responded to CL’s experience. Ms. Perel doesn’t recognize that this kind of behavior is far more common than cheater apologists either know or are willing to admit. Weiner isn’t the exception, he’s just in the spotlight. Cheaters do illegal, unethical, and profoundly dangerous things in the name of self gratification CONSTANTLY. Show me a cheater who sought aliveness and then sensitively supporter their spouse’s healing, and I’ll show you the real exception. It ain’t Weiner.

GratefullyDivorcedDad
GratefullyDivorcedDad
6 years ago
Reply to  Free Vix

“Ms. Perel doesn’t recognize that this kind of behavior is far more common than cheater apologists either know or are willing to admit. Weiner isn’t the exception, he’s just in the spotlight. Cheaters do illegal, unethical, and profoundly dangerous things in the name of self gratification CONSTANTLY.”

Cheating is an epidemic. Why do you think so many states went to ‘no fault’ divorce?

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  Free Vix

>>”Cheaters do illegal, unethical, and profoundly dangerous things in the name of self gratification CONSTANTLY.”

Absolutely. Because it is a character problem — and character is in everything a person does (or doesn’t do). It’s WHO they are.

Got a brain
Got a brain
6 years ago

Lol! My first thought when reading this was, “I wonder what fucked up monologue Esther Perel would come up with around this!”

TorontoChump
TorontoChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Got a brain

Dont you know? Weiner’s (all-too-short) jail time not a result of the crime he committed but rather do Amerca’s puritanical and sex-negative culture. Thanks, Esther!

Huma? I don’t mind the hippie jeans or the corporate pussy bow blouse, but I don’t understand them, together.

Traffic_Spiral
Traffic_Spiral
6 years ago
Reply to  TorontoChump

Yeah, it’s like: Business Blouse on Top, Woodstock on the Bottom. I mean, you do you lady, but… that’s an odd one. Her hair and lipstick are on point, though.

chirral
chirral
6 years ago

Apparently, as part of his defense to show that he did not have an undue interest in underage girls, his lawyers made the point he was also in contact with 19 other women at the same time he was texting the 15 year old. Because, you know, that makes it all so much better! Smacks head!

Lulu
Lulu
6 years ago

Her outfit is far less offensive than the fact that she stood up there a defended a child predator who involved their own son in his creepy sext games.

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  Lulu

True, she can be criticized for that.

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago
Reply to  Lulu

Exactly right…

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  Lulu

Thank you for saying this — and I 100% agree. At the point that the images came out with her son lying next to him while he was sexting … then the criminal charges of sexting a minor … these are enough of a clue-by-four to knock any chump into reality.

I try really hard not to be too judgmental of her, given that she’s a chump, and I wholeheartedly understand the mindfuck and spackle. But when proven child abuse is occurring? That is a line in the sand for me.

Now-I-Know-What-Hell-Looks-Like
Now-I-Know-What-Hell-Looks-Like
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

Total agreement.

Got a brain
Got a brain
6 years ago

It’s scary that I lived with a “sex addict” for so long that I could probably parrot his “I’m not the problem” mentality.

Everyone makes mistakes, stop viewing me in black and white terms.
This anger is not productive, let’s just all forgive and move on, shall we?
It’s societies fault! we are living in a world that advertises sexuality! You throw sexual images in my face and I’m supposed to suppress my god given biology! I am the victim here!
Don’t judge me as a person based on my behavior. Hate the behavior, not the person. I am a good person!
Judging me says more about who you are, than about who I am
Judge not, less thee be judged
All sins are equal, no one is perfect, and its Gods job to judge me, not yours.

It’s apparent that his tears weren’t a result of his guilt over what he’s done, rather they are a result of feeling sorry that he’s being punished for it!

DavidB
DavidB
6 years ago

The elitist politicians both parties have no soul. They hedge their bets on what may get them ahead. I feel for the many chumps on this page but could care less about Huma. Her calculated risk blew up in her face. Nothing more nothing less.

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago
Reply to  DavidB

I don’t have much sympathy for Huma either. She’s got plenty of resources and has known about wieners proclivities for a long time. She cut him loose when he became a liability, like most of us have. But it’s not like his perviness was news to her.

Free Vix
Free Vix
6 years ago
Reply to  Sunflower36

Money, status, and power don’t protect anyone from being human, or from being devistated by their spouse. Privilege can shield people from a lot of things, but the pain of betrayal isn’t one of them.

NoMoreCharityCases
NoMoreCharityCases
6 years ago
Reply to  Free Vix

Maybe she spackled A LOT all the way through. Lord knows, most of us have.
It is the norm to be in a relationship and often we’ll do anything to maintain that status for reasons of image, security, money, career, etc.

NotaMeanGirl
NotaMeanGirl
6 years ago
Reply to  DavidB

just exactly how many National-level politicians are not elites, by definition? Exactly zero.

Why yes, I do have a Ph.D. in Sociology, and yes, it has earned me the right to define “elites”.

Individuals at the top of the national power structure, regardless of affiliation, are elite. D’uh.

So fuck off with the attempted chump-blaming.

DavidB
DavidB
6 years ago
Reply to  NotaMeanGirl

Obviously you are a bit skewed in what u think I said. I did note your defense of a serial cheater up above (bill) . That being said, I am not chump blaming! I am a chump and as stated, feel for the chumps on this blog! Hillary and Huma nope! Nada! Never! They are elistist mega millionaires who hedge their bets on what will increase their money and power! So you can go fuck off with your mischaracterizatiin of my post!

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
6 years ago
Reply to  DavidB

You are chump blaming, even if you feel justified because the chumps are politicians. Not everyone is so cynical about those two and let’s keep politics out anyhow…

chirral
chirral
6 years ago

Apparently, as part of his defense to show that he did not have an undue interest in underage girls, his lawyers made the point he was also in contact with 19 other women at the same time he was texting the 15 year old. Because, you know, that makes it all so much better!

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago

This is how “sorry” these disordered freaks are ….

At then very end of my marriage with the serial-cheating, abusive, and disordered fuckwit STBX … I discovered he had viewed porn WHILE watching our child. I was in the the same house, but another room — working. I completely flipped out when I realized this (I don’t regret my rage, for the record).

After STBX himself came unhinged in response to me kicking him out — he was banned from seeing our minor child until the order of protection cleared. Once it did, he started supervised visits. I requested that he either leave his phone in his vehicle OR at least get apps on it that would hide anything a young child shouldn’t see. He completely agreed — through TEARS, he said he understood how horrible his actions had been to have that kind of crap around our child. And that he had stopped viewing porn altogether — there was nothing on the phone to worry about. And, he gave me his password, assuring me I could check it any time.

So, the following visitation, I asked to verify that the phone was clean. He said, “Sure.” He even unlocked the phone himself and handed it to me. I pushed ONE BUTTON — and guess what I found … porn. Lots of porn.

Given the asshole’s propensity for violence, I was calm — and, of course, he cried. He swore at the time he said there was nothing on the phone (just 7 days prior) that it was true. Hahahahahahahahahaha! Fucking liar. Regardless, now, he is not allowed to be around our carry any kind of electronic device when visiting our child. And, of course, it reiterates the necessity of supervised visits.

These freaks will lie and lie and lie — even using lies to protect lies. My STBX brought his phone to his visit with our child to PROVE to me that he was not lying — BECAUSE he was, in fact, lying. He risked our daughter (who’s already been through far too much and is finally starting to recover) to protect his lies.

My point: No matter the tears; no matter how sincere it looks and sounds — with these disordered freaks, it is NOT sincere. There is no shame; no guilt; no remorse. But boy, they can fake it like crazy.

Kellia
Kellia
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

I’m sorry, but I wanted to vomit when I read this. I can’t even begin to understand how disturbing this is. I mean really. This guy has no impulse control that he needs to watch people fucking around an innocent and helpless child. I just can’t… this is too much.

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

I agree — he is utterly repulsive. And, thank you for stating this. It’s helpful to have my judgment validated — even though my gut knows I acted correctly to protect my little one.

Having been molested as a kid, I have always erred on the side of being “too protective” of my girls. But, the voices of my family (“Sex abuse is not that big of a deal”) haunt me internally at times. I always assumed I was just a bit crazy about protecting my kids because of the hell I had been through as a child (not wanting them to experience the same pain). I was willing to accept being “crazy.”

I’m so glad I ignored the voices in my head and erred on the side of protecting my kids. In hindsight, I think my judgment was more correct than I ever realized. Maybe I’m not so crazy after all.

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

OMG — it just dawned on me that I typed “voices in my head” … hahahaha! Horrible word choice! Okay, for the sake of clarity, I’m NOT talking about actual voices! 🙂

Instead, I was trying to refer to the crappy doubt my family instilled in me so that I always think I’m overreacting.

Differently Chumped
Differently Chumped
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

I knew what you meant by “voices in my head”. They are not literal voices but thoughts that echo voices you have heard in the past. Critical words from a parent, a teacher, etc.

I often wonder if I am too protective with my girls as well, because of the abuse in my childhood. This is something I have not thought to question (You mean I’m not the crazy one here?) But now I will definitely question it.

Thank you for that.

My mom groomed me as her narc supply. She was a bully that tore her family down in order to raise herself up. The odd thing is, she was incredibly respectful, almost deferential to people outside the family. Always. Longsuffering wife, pillar of the community. What’s up with that? But in the privacy of our home she’d filet us and eat us for dinner, raw.

I did not realize she was a bully because her treatment is all I ever knew. Until she bullied my daughter. Just one comment in front of the extended family. But it was enough.

I am doubly fiercely protective because my daughter has physical disabilities.
Picking on a four year old in a wheelchair. Yeah, that takes guts. (Sarcasm)

Even as I write this, I see it anew. It’s as though I can’t believe it is the truth. But I know in my heart that it is. I also just want to slip back into denial. The pull is strong.

Is this odd, out-of-body feeling a common occurance among chumps?

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

*be around OR carry

(it’s early …)

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
6 years ago

I’m not sorry he’s going to jail. I’m only sorry that it won’t stop another predator from behaving the same way. These people don’t “see” themselves for who they are, they only see what they imagine themselves to be… someone sexy, desirable, and above the rules of human decency (and law).

As for spackling over red flags, raising my hand here. My son was three when I first discovered Mr. Sparkles had online personal ads. I eventually tracked back his records to someone he met on Adult Friend Finder when our son was just under a year old. I STAYED. Why? It was quite pragmatic, I didn’t want to get into a 50/50 custody situation. I wanted to raise my child 100% and if that meant sleeping next to a man who would fuck anything that moved, so be it. I didn’t stop to think how that decision would slowly erode my own self-esteem… how it would dull my mightiness… how it would make my step-children think Dad’s behavior was acceptable. And guess what… HE LEFT ANYWAY… 5 years later when he found a younger “me”.

How did I dress after he left? Who can say, I was losing weight so quickly that it didn’t matter because nothing fit.

Yes, there is victory in this day, but sadly it is but a raindrop in the ocean.

Keepin Calm
Keepin Calm
6 years ago

Weiner is an absolute bastard. I feel sorry for his wife. I hope she can recover from his antics.

JC
JC
6 years ago

I have a hard time using the word “addiction,” as it (IMO) removes a level of agency from the perpetrator. “I couldn’t stop because of my addiction.”

Also, back in the day, I was quick to claim that my wife was addicted to the dopamine of her affair…because it was easier than admitting that she just didn’t give a shit about me.

If he’s an “addict,” then fine. I hope he continues to get help for it and works to improve himself.

I still have to see the documentary. I’m told it’s fascinating.

Kellia
Kellia
6 years ago

Weiner got 21 months only? Heck, I would have put him in the slammer for 10 yrs +!!! He even sexted a photo where his newborn son was in the picture. And he’s crying because they will be taking away his toys and he won’t be able to sext anymore. He’s crying not because he hurt others, like his wife and son, but because how he won’t be able to freely prey on women anymore…

chumpsterlinzz
chumpsterlinzz
6 years ago

I can’t imagine that he will not violate his probation. There is no end to the chaos these cheaters cause. Wish I had left earlier instead of giving myself a twenty year term with a serial cheater.

Portia
Portia
6 years ago

I worry that the sexual use of pictures, film, phone videos and internet social sites has permeated the culture to the extent that everyday people feel it is perfectly fine to act like porn stars. Not just fine, either, but it has become an expected social activity. If adult’s feel it is fine to do it, the children will mimic it, and do it too. Why would a fifteen year old think it was ok to do the things he suggested? Why do people sexualize children, anyway? Why don’t we as a society do a better job to protect the time of childhood from these predators? We know about this stuff, but it used to be kept more contained. It seems to me that we see this stuff on tv everyday, and even though the dangers are mentioned, the activities are still somewhat glamorized. It is insidious, like smoking cigarettes used to be in movies and on tv. The characters do it, and it becomes glamorous or at least acceptable to do it for the audience members, too.

Education about the dangers of smoking and the health issues related to it has turned the tide on the number of people who smoke. When I was young, my parents were the abnormal ones in their families because they didn’t smoke. Now, the ones in my family that still smoke know it is not good for them, and they go outside to do it. Let me be clear, I am not equating smoking with being a sexual predator, I am just talking about the social acceptability and the product placement of the two things in media as they influence the general public.

I hope that people who have been damaged by predators like Weiner are able to continue to tell their stories, and will try to educate the general population that these folks are not glamorous. The long lasting effects that are the results of the actions of these selfish, entitled, thieving, dysfunctional people are devastating. Weiner is truly a very sick man who has been doing terrible things for a long time. I am glad he is gong to jail, but I am not sure 21 months is enough time. Maybe it is all they can convict him of in this instance, but those of us who understand spackle and repeat behavior know this was not an isolated act. The victim is underage in this instance, but the actions are reprehensible when they are perpetuated on adults, too. We cannot ignore these red flags, or make excuses for them. These folks are not socially acceptable or admirable in any way — and that is the message that the media audience needs to learn.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  Portia

All of this also gives a false sense of what a healthy sex life entails. I believe ex felt that he was entitled to every kinky thing he had ever heard about no matter how damaging mentally or physically it might have been for me. My refusal to engage in some sexual practices proved I didn’t love him or care about his needs. I was just too selfish to accommodate him. I guess Schmoopie has no sense of self worth and will do anything.

kiwichump
kiwichump
6 years ago

Oh thank you, Chumpinrecovery!
And why isn’t the medical profession more vocal about the risks of certain practices that porn has now made almost compulsory or you’re just a prude who doesn’t want to let people have some harmless fun?
Between porn and the medics’ silence, what protection is left for people who refuse to let themselves be abused? It’s the medical profession’s duty to warn us and be more vocal. They don’t mind badgering people about their diets and their weight. But when it comes to sex, it’s all about “safe” sex, meaning use condoms. Like that solves everything. It doesn’t or half of the people of our generation would never have been conceived…